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Tag: European diaspora

Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to “finish the job” he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering democracy. What do you think?

“Who better to capture my weariness?”

Donny Latimer, Unemployed

“If he needs the money to retire that badly, maybe he should just have a fundraiser.”

Hank Brennan, Building Climber

“Okay, but can anyone tell me if this is the most important election of my lifetime or not?”

Renee Sheridan, Bookmark Artist

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April 26, 2023
Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

If you ever have the misfortune of having to talk to a fan of “the GOAT,” here are things you should never, ever say.

“I bet I’m better at football than him.”

“I bet I’m better at football than him.”

Aside from this being patently false, you’re definitely just trying to upset them.

“Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

“Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

Seven’s fine, but it’s not exactly eight.

“O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

“O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

Don’t go too far in comparing the former running back’s incredible on- and off-field work with Tom Brady’s Hertz campaign.

“Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

“Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

Comparing their favorite player to Hitler is sure to bother anyone, even if Brady eventually comes out on top.

“He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

“He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

Keeping the conversation centered around Brady’s Super Bowl wins, and not his unwise promotion of cryptocurrency, is generally a good call.

“It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

“It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

Fans of Brady acknowledge that this is technically true, but would prefer to downplay the connection.

“Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

“Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

Middle-aged white guys can’t process what you just said but it won’t stop them from saying something sexist and racist.

“Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

“Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

One of history’s big what-ifs. Brady fans can only dream.

“He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

“He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

Most Tom Brady fans are holding out hope that he’ll continue to play at least into his ’90s.

“Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

“Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

Shut up, nerd!

“His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

“His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

Many fans are sensitive to the fact that he’s old and decrepit.

“What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

“What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

There’s simply too many to count.

“Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

“Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

Good sentiment but wrong conversation.

“He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

“He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

This point is a sore spot for Brady fans who lament the fact he’s never suffered from scurvy in his life.

“He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

“He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

What else is he gonna do?

“I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

“I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

Say this and you’ll have most Tom Brady fans singing the blues.

“Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

“Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

Before dating a Brady fan, seriously consider whether you want to always be second place to the Buccaneers quarterback.

“Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

“Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

Tom Brady fans just can’t choose between his most exciting eight-yard completions.

“He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

“He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

For the third straight year, he didn’t come to Gronk’s birthday and it just crushed him.

“BLUE 42!”

Great, now they’re in motion.

“No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

“No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

Worth a try just to see if you can irritate one of these people for a while.

“Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

“Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

Cram it, historians!

“Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

“Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

Brady fans hate being reminded of the old crone’s curse.

“Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

“Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

His fans hate to admit this, but Tom Brady is a really stupid name compared to Joe “The Comeback Kid” Montana.

“Your family obligations should come before work.”

“Your family obligations should come before work.”

Shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.

“Tom Brady.”

You didn’t mention his name, did you? Christ. Welp, hope you’re prepared to get talked at.

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November 18, 2022

Tag: European diaspora

Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

“I bet I’m better at football than him.”

“I bet I’m better at football than him.”

“Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

“Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

“O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

“O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

“Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

“Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

“He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

“He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

“It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

“It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

“Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

“Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

“Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

“Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

“He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

“He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

“Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

“Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

“His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

“His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

“What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

“What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

“Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

“Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

“He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

“He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

“He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

“He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

“I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

“I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

“Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

“Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

“Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

“Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

“He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

“He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

“BLUE 42!”

“No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

“No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

“Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

“Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

“Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

“Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

“Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

“Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

“Your family obligations should come before work.”

“Your family obligations should come before work.”

“Tom Brady.”