Being CEO has its many perks: Business leaders get to command the world’s most powerful companies, shape their legacies as pioneers of industry, and enjoy hefty billion-dollar paychecks. But in the steep climb up the corporate ladder, many won’t notice all the peers left behind until they’re looking down from the very top. It can be a lonely, solitary job.
Leaders at some of the world’s largest companies—from Airbnb and UPS to PepsiCo and Apple—are finally opening up about the mental toll that comes with the job. As it turns out, many industry trailblazers are grappling with intense loneliness; at least 40% of executives are thinking of leaving their job, mainly because they’re lacking energy and feel alone in handling daily challenges, according to a Harvard Medical School professor. And the number could even be higher: About 70% of C-suite leaders “are seriously considering quitting for a job that better supports their well-being,” according to a 2022 Deloitte study.
To ward off feelings of isolation, founders and top executives are stepping outside of the office to focus on improving their well-being. Toms founder Blake Mycoskie struggled with depression and loneliness after scaling his once-small shoe business into a billion-dollar behemoth. Feeling disconnected from his life’s purpose and that his “reason for being now felt like a job,” he went on a three-day men’s retreat to work on his mental health. And Seth Berkowitz, the founder and CEO of $350 million dessert giant Insomnia Cookies, cautions bright-eyed entrepreneurs the gig “is not really for everyone.”
“It can be lonely; it’s a solitary life. It really is,” Berkowitz recently toldFortune.
Brian Chesky, cofounder and CEO of Airbnb
Eugene Gologursky / Stringer / Getty Images
Airbnb’s cofounder and CEO Brian Chesky is one the most outspoken leaders in the business world waving the red flag on loneliness. Chesky described having a lonely childhood, pulled between his love for creative design and sports, never really fitting in. But his mental health took a turn for the worse once assuming the throne as Airbnb’s CEO. His other two cofounders—who he called his “family,” spending all their waking hours working, exercising, and hanging out together—were suddenly out of view from the peak of the C-suite.
“As I became a CEO I started leading from the front, at the top of the mountain, but then the higher you get to the peak, the fewer the people there are with you,” Chesky told Jay Shetty during an episode of the On Purpose podcast last year. “No one ever told me how lonely you would get, and I wasn’t prepared for that.”
Chesky recommends budding leaders actually share their power, so no one shoulders the mental burden of entrepreneurship alone.
“I think that ultimately, today, we’re probably living in one of the loneliest times in human history,” Chesky said. “If people were as lonely in yesteryear as they are today, they’d probably perish, because you just couldn’t survive without your tribe.”
Indra Nooyi, former CEO of PepsiCo
Jemal Countess / Stringer / Getty Images
Leaders at Fortune 500 giant PepsiCo face constant pressure from consumers, investors, board members, and their own employees. But it’s also tough to vent to peers who may not relate to—or even understand—the trials and tribulations of running a $209 billion company. Indra Nooyi, the business’ former CEO, said she often felt isolated with no one to confide in.
“You can’t really talk to your spouse all the time. You can’t talk to your friends because it’s confidential stuff about the company. You can’t talk to your board because they are your bosses. You can’t talk to people who work for you because they work for you,” Nooyi toldKellogg Insight, the research magazine for Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management,earlier this year. “And so it puts you in a fairly lonely position.”
Instead of divulging to a trusted friend or anonymously airing out her frustrations on Reddit, Nooyi looked inward. She was the only person she could trust, even if that meant embracing the isolation.
“I would talk to myself. I would go look at myself in a mirror. I would talk to myself. I would rage at myself. I would shed a few tears, then put on some lipstick and come out,” Nooyi said. “That was my go-to because all people need an outlet. And you have to be very careful who your outlet is because you never want them to use it against you at any point.”
Carol Tomé, CEO of UPS
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Before Carol Tomé stepped into the role of the CEO of UPS, she was warned the top job goes hand-in-hand with loneliness. The word of caution didn’t phase her—at least, not at first. But things changed when she actually took the helm of the $75 billion shipping company.
“I would say, ‘How lonely can it really be? It can’t be that lonely?’ What I’ve since learned is that it is extraordinarily lonely,” Tomé toldFortune last year.
“When you are a member of an executive team, you hang together…Now, my executive team will wait for me to leave a meeting so that they can debrief together. It’s the reality and you have to get used to it. But it is super lonely.”
Tim Cook, CEO of Apple
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Apple CEO Tim Cook isn’t immune to the loneliness that often comes with the corner office. More than 14 years into his tenure, he’s acknowledged his missteps, which he called “blind spots,” that have the potential to affect thousands of workers across the company if left unchecked. Cook said it’s important for leaders to get out of their own heads and surround themselves with bright people who bring out the best in them.
“It’s sort of a lonely job,” Cook toldThe Washington Post in 2016. “The adage that it’s lonely—the CEO job is lonely—is accurate in a lot of ways. I’m not looking for any sympathy.”
Seth Berkowitz, founder and CEO of Insomnia Cookies
Courtesy of Insomnia Cookies
Entrepreneurship can be a deeply fulfilling and rewarding journey: an opportunity to trade a nine-to-five job for a multimillion-dollar fortune, if all the right conditions are met. And while Insomnia Cookies’ Seth Berkowitz loves being a CEO and all the responsibilities that come with it, he cautioned young hopefuls about the weight of the career. He, like Cook, advises aspiring founders to counter loneliness with genuine, meaningful connections.
“It can be lonely; it’s a solitary life. It really is. [During] the harder times, it’s very solitary—finding camaraderie, mentorship, some sense of community, it’s really important,” Berkowitz recently toldFortune. “Because I go so deep, it’s sometimes hard to find others and let them in.”
I was staying in a hotel with our two grandsons and the fire alarm went off at 1 a.m. We threw on coats, hustled down the stairs, and stood in the cold in front of the building. While most fire alarms are false alarms, turns out there was a small fire.
Months later we were staying in a hotel and the fire alarm went off. One grandson immediately freaked out. The other said, “Hey, all right.”
Same event, two very different reactions. Why?
Neuroscientists call the process of linking feelings with a memory valence assignment. Once we experience something, our brains associate it with a positive or negative feeling, or valence, which helps us know whether to seek or avoid it in the future.
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For one grandson, a fire alarm is a bad memory. Fires mean buildings can burn down. Fires mean we could get badly hurt. For the other grandson, a fire alarm is a good memory. Fire alarms are early warnings that help keep people from being injured. Fires alarms mean safety.
How valence assignment happens, at a cellular level, is unclear. Scientists know that different sets of neurons are activated when a valence is positive, and others when a valence is negative.
“We found these two pathways — analogous to railroad tracks — that were leading to positive and negative valence,” writes professor Kay Tye, “but we still didn’t know what signal was acting as the switch operator to direct which track should be used at any given time.”
So as part of a study published in Nature by Tye and her colleagues at the Salk Institute, genes were selectively edited to remove the gene for neurotensin, a signaling molecule, from the brain cells of mice; without neurotensin, the mice could no longer assign positive valence to a memory.
Lacking neurotensin didn’t affect negative valence, though. In fact, the mice got even better at assigning negative valence. The neurons associated with negative valence stay switched on until neurotensin is released.
Which makes sense. After all, fear is a survival instinct. Avoiding dangerous situations helped keep our ancestors alive. (Think of it as your brain’s way of saying, “I’ll assume (this) is bad… until I know for sure it’s good.”)
Then the researchers introduced high levels of neurotensin and found they could promote reward learning (think positive associations), and further dampen negative valence. According to Tye, “We can actually manipulate this switch to turn on positive or negative learning.”
All of which sounds good if you have a steady supply of neurotensin on hand. (Which, of course, you don’t.) But there are a few ways to game your neurochemical system.
One way is to reframe a negative experience. That’s what one grandson did. Initially the fire alarm scared him, but he decided to see getting out of the hotel as an adventure. And he decided to see a fire alarm as a good thing, because it’s a sign there might be a problem.
You can do the same. Say a sales demo goes poorly. That memory cause you to think you never want to do another sales demo again.
Or you could decide that memory will help you never do another sales demo thatway again. Maybe you weren’t prepared. Maybe you didn’t read the room. Maybe you didn’t build in a few pauses so you could adjust, in the moment, to how your presentation was being received.
Mentally assigning positive outcomes, like, “Here’s what I learned,” to an experience will help you assign a positive valence to that experience.
In time, you’ll even think back fondly on the time you bombed, because it served as a springboard for later success.
Another way is to mentally take a step back to focus on your overall sense of self-worth before you do something difficult. A study published in Psychological Science found that a few minutes of self-affirmation minimized participants’ psychological response to failure if a particular task didn’t go well.
That’s because confidence is situational. Stick me in a gym with a bunch of people lifting weights and even if I’m not as strong, I still feel confident, and like I belong. Stick me in a Pilates class, though, and I’ll instantly feel insecure (and justifiably so.) The same is probably true for you. You probably feel self-assured speaking to ten members of your team; stick you in front of ten strangers, though, and that confidence likely disappears.
But confidence is also transferable. Success in one pursuit yields greater confidence in other areas of your life. When you feel good about yourself in one way — when you achieve some degree of success in one aspect of your life — you tend to feel better about other parts of your life as well.
After all, if you can do one thing well, you can do lots of things well.
Before you do something that might result in a negative memory, take a moment to reflect on all the things you can do well. That way, if you fail, you’ll be able to see that moment for what it is: just one step, however feeble, on a journey to eventual achievement.
Another way is to make a feeling granular rather than general. For example, unlike a general feeling like feeling stressed, a granular emotion is a specific feeling like fear, worry, or anxiety. (Compared to feeling “happy,” a granular emotion might be pleased, delighted, or excited.)
The more general the feeling, the more likely you are to assign a negative valence to the situation that sparked the emotion.
My grandsons and I dying in the first hotel was extremely unlikely. The building had a number of exit points and stairways. It had fire escapes on opposite sides of the building, accessible from the roof. Plus we all know how to get out of a building quickly; we’ve done it before. We know what to do.
All of that helps us assign a more positive valence to a fire alarm — and hopefully hopefully respond better if it ever happens again. The grandson who assigned a negative valence came home from school the day they had a fire drill and said he wasn’t scared of fire alarms any more because unlike his classmates, he’s been in a real fire drill. (Hey, whatever works.)
Which, ultimately, is the point. You can’t always control what happens. But you can always control how you respond.
And the more positive the valence you assign to a situation, especially to a seemingly uncomfortable or challenging situation, the better you’ll be able to respond.
Because bravery isn’t an absence of fear. Bravery is doing what you need to do in spite of fear — something finding a way to assign a positive valance will make a lot easier.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
Friendship is often described as one of life’s greatest buffers against stress and loneliness. But when the balance tips and you find yourself giving far more than you receive, the relationship can shift from a source of strength to a steady drain.
Experts told Newsweek that the earliest warning signs of a one-sided friendship are easy to overlook—yet noticing them could spare years of resentment.
“True friendship isn’t transactional; it’s built on mutual care and showing up in both the easy and difficult moments,” said Sharon Yu, a licensed family therapist in California.
Zoe Asher, a friendship coach and host of the friendship-focused podcast Accidentally Intentional, added: “At the end of the day, friendships are supposed to be a two-way street. If you’re the only one paying the tolls long-term, then it isn’t friendship—it’s a drain.”
Dr. Kimberly Horn, a research psychologist and author of Friends Matter, For Life, said the science backs this up: “When the balance consistently tilts one way, tension builds, and reciprocity, the heartbeat of friendship, breaks down.”
Here’s how to spot the red flags before they take a toll, according to the three experts.
1. You Are Always the One Reaching Out
“If you’re the one consistently initiating texts, calls, or plans—and they rarely do the same—it can be a sign that the friendship depends on your energy to keep it alive,” Yu told Newsweek.
Asher said she once needed to be confronted by a friend to realize she was not pulling her weight emotionally. That conversation did not end the relationship—it made it stronger. She hopes that her experience can encourage others to communicate their needs.
“She gave me a gift by extending the opportunity for me to clarify, and from there, we built something deeper,” Asher said.
2. They Are Absent When You Need Support
Yu advised watching how present a friend is in difficult times. If they disappear when you are struggling but expect comfort when it is their turn to get support, the imbalance is clear.
Still, Asher warned against treating crisis support as the only measure of friendship. The podcast host said that lots of people think a “good friendship” means having someone who will drop everything when you are in crisis, but that she considers this metric a really low bar.
“If your entire definition of friendship is based on emergencies, then you’re treating it like a transaction,” she said. “Arthur Brooks talks about the value of ‘useless friends,’ and I love that phrase. He means the friends who aren’t there just to fix something, but to simply enjoy life with you.”
For Asher, the casual coffee hangouts, the last-minute accountability check-ins, and the random laughs on a Tuesday night matter just as much as being there in the tough times. The podcast host says that an important caveat is that there are seasons where a friend genuinely does not have much to give. They could be in the midst of grief, caregiving, dealing with a health concern or burnout.
Horn noted that inconsistent support, what she calls “ambivalence,” can result in higher levels of stress under the surface.
“Unpredictability in a friendship forces your body into constant vigilance, causing an unhealthy stress burden,” she said.
3. Conversations Center Around Them
“When most of your interactions revolve around their stories, their stress, or their successes, while your own life goes largely unnoticed, this imbalance can leave you feeling unseen,” Yu said.
Horn added that when this happens, resentment is never far behind.
“If you often leave time together feeling drained, resentful, or questioning your value, the friendship is probably taking more than it gives,” she said.
4. Celebrations Do Not Go Both Ways
Asher recalled a client who shared a career win only to be met with jealousy from their friend, rather than a congratulations.
“Moments like this cut deep,” she said. “True friends don’t just show up when you’re down; they are also the ones cheering you on.”
Sometimes, though, flat reactions may come from insecurity rather than a lack of care. Asher suggested giving friends the chance to rise to the occasion, by communicating to them that the “win” is a big deal and that they would love to celebrate alongside them.
5. Boundaries Are Not Respected
“If you express a need for space, rest, or a boundary and it’s dismissed, minimized, or guilt-tripped, it’s worth noticing,” Yu said. “Respect for each other’s limits is a cornerstone of sustainable, affirming relationships.”
Asher added: “If you saying ‘no’ means your friend guilt-trips you, gets angry, or disappears, then the friendship isn’t really mutual. That shows they wanted your compliance, not your connection.”
6. The Relationship Feels Like Obligation
Yu said that when you find yourself saying “yes” out of habit or guilt rather than genuine desire, the friendship may no longer feel nourishing.
Horn explained that if you start “keeping score” of who texts, calls, or makes plans, that bookkeeping itself is a signal that something is wrong.
“It’s because the lack of reciprocity has left you feeling undervalued, unseen,” she said. “That mental bookkeeping is a red flag.”
7. You Leave Interactions Feeling Drained
Yu urged people to check how they feel physically and emotionally after spending time with a friend.
“Do you feel lighter, understood, or grounded—or instead, exhausted, anxious, or diminished?” she asked.
Asher agreed, adding that friendships should lift you up, not shrink you down, but the podcast host says these moments can be opportunities rather than endings.
“Instead of silently stewing on it, I encourage others to bring it up,” she said. “Hard conversations can either unlock a whole new level of depth—or give you the clarity that it’s time to let go.”
Not every season of imbalance means a friendship is doomed. Life circumstances can temporarily tilt the scales, and sometimes, an honest conversation is all that is needed to restore reciprocity.
Sometimes you can rebuild something new instead of labeling a friend “toxic” or walking away at the first sign of hurt. In fact, some of the deepest connections hinge on hard conversations.
But if the signs of a one-sided friendship keep piling up, the experts unanimously agree it may be time to reassess, as friendships have a bigger toll on our emotional lives than we often perceive.
As Horn, whose book about friendship was endorsed by Mel Robbins, put it: “Research shows when we trust our friends to be as equally generous of time and spirit as we are, we work harder to keep the bond—opening up in ways that deepen the friendship.”
Are you and your friend stuck in an argument? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.
I remember the eureka moment I had about procrastination when I was still a high school Latin teacher. There was a lot of talk about “time management” and “SMART” goals going around the faculty in-service day training. But then one of the teachers spoke out, “This isn’t time management as much as it’s about an emotion they’d rather avoid.” At the time, I volunteered to be a practice client in a coaching session, having stepped in as a practice client for one of my future wife’s classmates.
The burning question that arose was, “Why didn’t I have these conversations earlier in life?” I quickly enrolled in life coach training and began playing with ideas around how to help students get things done. That one experience cracked open the possibility of what coaching could do. Not just for individuals, but for education as a whole. That statement from a faculty member set me on a lifelong path. This was back in the mid-2000s.
The advice for motivation is everywhere: Break big tasks into smaller ones, find an accountability partner, use the Pomodoro Technique, reward yourself for completing milestones. These tactical approaches to beating procrastination fill countless productivity blogs and self-help books, offering the promise of finally conquering that persistent tendency to delay what matters most. These tips and skills are useful, but can only carry a person so far.
As I explored what was working with students, I realized that executive life coaching was advancing leaps and bounds in understanding what really motivates and moves people into action. And that is in a word: emotion.
Consistent motivation is about addressing emotion, specifically the emotion that you’d rather avoid. And once addressed, then the task of building systems and all the other tactics suddenly come back into play.
However, if the underlying emotion lingers or is not at least partially addressed, no amount of system building or tactics can save a situation that is, in essence, already strategically lost.
So let’s dive into the dynamic emotional landscape that drives our behavior and constructs narrative, and look at some of the neurology we’re working with.
Neuroscience of productivity reveals a counterintuitive truth about procrastination: It’s often a sign that something matters deeply to us. When the stakes are high, whether it’s launching a business, having a difficult conversation or creating something meaningful, our brains activate ancient protective mechanisms designed to keep us safe from potential failure, rejection or disappointment.
This isn’t a character flaw or lack of discipline; it’s evolutionary biology. The same neural pathways that once protected our ancestors from physical dangers now trigger when we face psychological risks. The amygdala, our brain’s alarm system, doesn’t distinguish between the threat of a saber-toothed tiger and the threat of public speaking. Both activate fight-or-flight responses that make focused, creative work nearly impossible.
The higher the stakes, the stronger the pull toward procrastination becomes. Understanding this removes the layer of self-judgment that often compounds the problem and helps us approach our resistance with curiosity rather than criticism. Recognizing this biological reality is the first step toward working with our neurology rather than against it.
The emotion management revolution
Once upon a time, it seemed the common rhetoric in the productivity industry was that procrastination is a time management problem. But anyone who has spent hours scrolling social media while an important deadline looms knows the truth: We have the time. What we lack is the emotional capacity to face whatever discomfort lies on the other side of action.
Every act of procrastination is an attempt to avoid a specific emotional experience. It might be the fear of judgment that comes with sharing creative work, the overwhelm of tackling a complex project, the vulnerability required for authentic leadership or the grief of acknowledging that our current approach isn’t working. Or even a decision that we don’t really want to make. Throughout my years of coaching in academia, I encountered this issue repeatedly. It was never just about laziness. Students often had anxiety around shame, perfectionism or performance. It was this realization that formed the foundation of CTEDU’s life coaching curriculum. Emotional intelligence became the entry point to meaningful, sustainable action, rather than an obstacle.
Addressing effective actions and getting it done begins with emotional archaeology. Your success requires digging beneath the surface resistance to identify the specific feeling you’re trying to avoid. Are you dodging the anxiety of potential failure? The frustration of imperfection? The sadness of leaving our comfort zone? Once we name the emotion, we can develop strategies to move through it rather than around it.
This shift from time management to emotion management transforms our relationship with difficult tasks. Instead of asking, “How can I make myself do this?” we begin asking, “What am I feeling right now, and how can I honor that feeling while still moving forward?”
The most crucial moment isn’t the finish line. It’s the first step. Procrastination thrives in the gap between intention and action, in that liminal space where we contemplate doing something without actually beginning. The longer we linger in this space, the more our resistance compounds.
Successful entrepreneurs and creators understand that the beginning is where battles are won or lost. They focus their energy on making the first five minutes as friction-free as possible, knowing that momentum builds on itself. This might mean having materials already prepared, eliminating decision fatigue through predetermined routines or creating environmental cues that make starting feel inevitable.
The key insight is that we don’t need to feel motivated to begin; we need to begin in order to feel motivated. Motivation is a byproduct of action, not a prerequisite for it. By focusing on the brutal beginning rather than the distant outcome, we work with our psychology instead of against it. It was this insight that was truly pivotal, not only for my clients but for me as well.
I chose to take the step from coaching to creating a life coach training program built on these principles. At the beginning, we were a handful of students, and now, 16 years later, we are a global community of certified coaches committed to bringing change and growth to the world.
The power of identity-based systems
The most profound shift in overcoming procrastination comes from separating the decision-making process from the execution process. When we rely on moment-to-moment decisions about whether something is “a good idea right now” or whether we “feel like it,” we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Our emotional state fluctuates throughout the day, and basing important actions on these fluctuations creates inconsistent results.
Instead, effective systems operate from identity rather than motivation. They transform the internal dialogue from “Should I work on this project right now?” to “This is what I do at this time.” The decision has already been made; the current moment is simply about execution. Building my own coaching practice, it wasn’t motivation that enabled me to keep moving forward. It was the structure and systems I had created.
This approach recognizes that discipline isn’t about forcing ourselves to do things we don’t want to do. It’s about aligning our actions with our deeper values and long-term identity, even when our immediate emotions pull us in different directions. It’s the difference between willpower, which is finite and unreliable, and systems, which operate independently of our emotional state.
Constructing empowering narratives
Perhaps most importantly, overcoming procrastination requires conscious narrative construction. The stories we tell ourselves about our work, our capabilities and our relationship to discomfort shape our behavior more than any external system or technique.
Procrastinators often carry narratives of inadequacy: “I’m not good at follow-through,” or “I work better under pressure” or “I’m just not disciplined enough.” These stories become self-fulfilling prophecies, creating the very patterns they describe.
Transforming procrastination means consciously crafting new narratives that align with our values and aspirations. Instead of “I’m avoiding this because I’m lazy,” we might reframe it to “I’m feeling protective of this project because it matters to me, and I’m learning to move through that protectiveness with compassion.”
Ultimately, overcoming procrastination is less about productivity hacks and more about emotional intelligence. It requires developing a sophisticated understanding of our inner landscape, creating systems that honor our humanity while supporting our goals, and constructing narratives that empower rather than diminish us. Even now, two decades since that first coaching conversation, these insights still impact me every day.
The entrepreneurs and leaders who consistently take meaningful action aren’t those who have eliminated discomfort from their lives. They’re those who have learned to dance with discomfort, to move through resistance rather than around it and to trust in their ability to handle whatever emotions arise on the other side of action.
In a world that profits from our distraction and delay, the ability to move through procrastination becomes a competitive advantage. More than that, it becomes a pathway to a life aligned with our deepest values and highest aspirations.
Pregnancy can be an exhilarating and, at the same time nerve-wracking, time in a woman’s life. You’re bringing new life into this world, a life you created with the man you love. There is so much to look forward to. Then, there are worries and anxieties about the well-being of your unborn child. Not to mention the grueling physical discomfort. This roller-coaster of excitement, worries, and fear can become even harder to bear when there are signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy.
As an expecting mother, you need all the love, care, and pampering you can get from the people around you, especially your spouse. When your man fails to step up, you end up feeling alone and unsupported during pregnancy. This can turn one of the most memorable experiences of your life into a nightmare. What should you do in a situation like this? Well, the first order of business is to ascertain that you’re, in fact, dealing with an unsupportive husband.
Given how hormonal changes in the body put you in an emotional tizzy, it’s possible to misinterpret every disappointment or unmet expectation as a sign of an uncaring husband. Just because your husband doesn’t understand pregnancy mood swings every single time doesn’t necessarily mean he is insensitive and unsupportive. Even if he is, there are ways to handle the situation tactfully and mitigate the risk of your relationship falling apart. To that end, let’s look closely at the signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy and ways to deal with the situation.
How Pregnancy Affects Relationships
Before we talk about what it means to have an unsupportive husband during pregnancy, it’s important to drive home the fact that this is a transformative experience for both spouses, and it invariably impacts your relationship dynamics. The physical, emotional, and psychological changes are bound to shift how you engage with your partner and vice versa. Some common changes you can expect during this time include:
1. Emotional roller coaster that can strain communication
Emotional turbulence can strain communication
Pregnancy hormones bring with them a flurry of mood swings, emotional sensitivity, and anxiety. You may feel more insecure and irritable than usual, and this can leave your partner feeling confused as they’re dealing with emotions that may not have been part of your equation before. The resulting emotional turbulence can strain communication between partners.
2. Changes in intimacy
Pregnancy often alters sexual intimacy between a couple. This can be either due to discomfort or anxiety about sexual activity. This can further exacerbate anxieties about your relationship with your spouse, leaving you thinking, “My husband lost interest in me sexually when I got pregnant.” Focusing too much on questions like, “How do you deal with lack of intimacy during pregnancy?”, can lead to you to feel extra pressure about the altered nature of your sexual relationship, resulting in tension between you and your spouse.
3. Increased financial and parental responsibilities
Financial and logistical planning to prepare for the arrival of your baby can also be a source of stress, even more so if you and your spouse aren’t on the same page about expectations or roles or if you haven’t had in-depth discussions about finances, parental responsibilities, and a support system to make your transition into parenthood easier.
4. Shift in relationship dynamics
Pregnancy changes a couple’s equation
The focus of your marriage shifts from just the two of you to the arrival of your baby. If your spouse is hyperfocused on the baby’s arrival and can only seem to talk about what to do and not to do when it happens, it can leave you feeling neglected and overwhelmed. And you may find it hard to shake off the thought, “My husband makes me feel alone during pregnancy.” On the other hand, for many couples, pregnancy can deepen emotional intimacy and connection, as they share the anticipation of welcoming a child.
5. Increased anxiety and stress
Of course, worries about health, the future, and the enormous responsibility of parenting can be a cause of stress and anxiety for both partners. If you don’t find a way to share these feelings and support one another through this journey, you may feel distant and disconnected from your spouse.
My friend, Elena, struggled with feeling rejected by husband during pregnancy right from the beginning. The nausea, the mood swings, and constant exhaustion made her more irritable by the day, and her husband failed to recognize that all of these changes were par for the course during pregnancy. He responded with irritation and annoyance, leading to constant bickering and fights.
Within weeks, the distance between them grew so much that they barely spoke. Her husband, Greg, spent all his time at home with his face buried in his phone. Restless and unable to sleep one night, Elena decided to check what was keeping Greg so engrossed. To her shock and horror, he was not only stalking his ex on Instagram but had also started DM-ing her. Even though the conversations were harmless, Elena was distraught. There are clear signs he’s cheating during pregnancy, she told me.
Noticing that your husband isn’t supportive can put a huge strain on your relationship
Of course, this put a huge strain on their marriage. Even though Elena and Greg are still together, their marriage is now riddled with resentment and trust issues. Greg’s behavior was a peak example of signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy. While not all husbands may go that far, the following actions may leave you feeling alone and unsupported during pregnancy:
1. He’s not emotionally available
Emotional unavailability can leave you feeling rejected by husband during pregnancy. If he avoids talking about the pregnancy or dealing with the roller-coaster of emotions you’re going through, you may begin to feel as if he has emotionally checked out.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Bindeman says, “Emotional availability during pregnancy is crucial. Without it, feelings of isolation can develop and this can lead to distance between partners. Pregnancy is a time when emotions run high and ignoring their wives’ needs during this time is what husbands should not do during pregnancy. If your husband is not there to offer reassurance or a listening ear, it can leave you feeling alone.
Apart from emotional ups and downs, pregnancy also comes with its share of physical discomfort—morning sickness, back pain, swollen feet, heartburn, it’s a wide buffet of distress. If instead of listening to you with empathy, your husband brushes these off as “no big deal”, it’s a sure red flag.
Explaining why this may leave a woman feeling alone and unsupported during pregnancy, psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler says, “Acknowledging physical discomfort is key. Even when there’s nothing a man can do to fix it, simply showing care and understanding helps build emotional closeness.”
3. He doesn’t go with you to doctor’s appointments
He leaves you to fend for yourself
One of the irrefutable signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy is that he keeps finding reasons to skip prenatal visits or appointments. Of course, there can be times when he may not be able to accompany you owing to work commitments or other responsibilities—for example, if you already have a child, your husband may want to stay home and look after him/her if they’re sick or just generally struggling to cope with your pregnancy.
However, if it happens every single time, you may begin to feel like he’s not really invested in this process. This can, in turn, trigger feelings of isolation and loneliness. Why? Penny Simkin, a childbirth educator, explains, “Prenatal visits are about more than just medical updates—they’re opportunities for partners to stay connected and prepare for the baby together.”
4. He leaves all the housework to you
Here’s what husbands should not do during pregnancy—leave it to their wives to manage all domestic chores single-handedly and pick up the slack for them as well. Pregnancy is exhausting, and you need to take it easy. That requires your husband to step up and contribute to the housework more. If he is not doing that and instead expects you to manage all the chores like you used to, it can feel like he’s taking you for granted. If he tops it up with misogynistic statements like, “In the olden days, women used to work in the fields and you can’t manage a house,” you can be sure that he is not only unsupportive but downright insensitive.
If your husband is making no effort to adjust his routine to your changing needs and continues to prioritize his work, social life, and hobbies over being there for you, you may end up feeling alone and unsupported during pregnancy. Relationship expert Esther Perel explains, “Pregnancy shifts priorities. When a partner remains self-centered, it creates imbalance and can lead to emotional disconnection.”
6. Lack of intimacy becomes a sore point in your relationship
Lack of intimacy can make partners feel distant
Pregnancy is bound to bring about a change in the sexual dynamics of a relationship. From physical discomfort to apprehensions about the baby’s well-being, a lot of factors can get in the way of a couple engaging in sexual intercourse during pregnancy. That can be stressful for a relationship.
At this time, both you and your partner need to find an answer to the question: how do you deal with lack of intimacy during pregnancy? There are a lot of ways to feel close and be intimate that don’t involve intercourse. If instead he just complains about his needs not being met or acts grumpy and irritable or picks fights with you, it can not only leave you thinking, “My husband lost interest in me sexually when I got pregnant”, but also make you feel unloved and unsupported.
7. He shows little interest in baby preparations
From setting up the nursery to putting together baby gear, zeroing in on a name to attending Lamaze classes, there is so much to be done before the baby’s arrival. If your husband shows little or no interest in these activities, it signals a lack of enthusiasm, which can be heartbreaking for you as an expecting mother.
“Getting excited about the baby’s arrival together is key to strengthening your bond. When one partner doesn’t show interest, it can cause feelings of disconnection and concern.”
— Dr. Laura Markham, a parenting coach
8. He complains about the impact of the pregnancy on him
Another one of the telling signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy is that even though you’re the one going through all the physical changes and enduring emotional and physical discomfort, he is the one who complains about how inconvenient it’s all been for him.
If he complains about how you’re not as active as before or how things have changed between you two, it can make you feel guilty. Explaining why this is not healthy behavior, relationship therapist Dr. Laura Berman says, “Complaining about a partner’s pregnancy limitations reflects a lack of empathy. This is a time for compassion and patience, not self-centered frustrations.”
9. He doesn’t want to talk about parenting
A man who shuts down whenever you try to talk about parenting or what life will look like after the baby arrives is clearly trying to avoid the reality of what’s coming. Whatever his reasons and fears may be, unless he opens up to you about them, this behavior can leave you feeling uncertain about his level of commitment and create anxiety.
If, along with shutting down himself, he brushes off your worries about childbirth, being a parent, or the baby’s health, it’s one of the clear signs of unsupportive husband during pregnancy. Phrases like “Don’t worry about it”, “You’re overthinking things”, and “It’s not that big an issue” can lead to a sense of invalidation, which, in turn, makes it hard for you to open up to your husband.
This can compromise effective communication in the relationship. Therapist Dr. Julie Hanks says, “Pregnancy-related fears are real, and dismissing them can harm the emotional bond between partners. A supportive husband listens and provides reassurance.”
11. He’s short and impatient
As the pregnancy progresses, you’d start moving slower than before, not be able to do the same activities as before, or feel the need to vent about the discomfort you’re experiencing. All of it is natural and understandable when you’re pregnant. But if he gets frustrated or impatient with you, it shows a lack of understanding. Such behavior may leave you ruing, “My husband makes me feel alone during pregnancy.”
7 Ways To Deal With An Unsupportive Husband During Pregnancy
Whether you’re dealing with something as devastating as signs he’s cheating during pregnancy or cannot shake off the “my husband makes me feel alone during pregnancy” thought, it’s important to address the issue of lack of support and involvement proactively rather than letting it fester, waiting for him to see the error of his ways.
Given how emotionally and physically vulnerable you might feel at this time, you need to weigh your words and actions before you let them play out. Don’t let your emotions control your response to your husband’s lack of support. This is a sensitive situation that needs to be handled delicately. These expert-backed tips can help you deal with an unsupportive husband during pregnancy:
1. Communicate your needs clearly
Express your needs clearly
Your partner may not even realize he’s being unsupportive. It’s easy to assume he knows what you’re going through, but pregnancy can be overwhelming for both of you. So, instead of getting bogged down by thoughts like, “My husband doesn’t understand pregnancy mood swings” or “My husband isn’t there for me while I’m pregnant”, sit down and calmly explain what you need from him—whether it’s more help around the house or just listening when you’re anxious.
Renowned psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says, “Open communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. Expressing your needs clearly and without blame can help your partner understand how to better support you.”
2. Pick your battles
Not everything needs to be a fight. Pregnancy can make emotions run high, and it’s easy to get upset over every little thing. Try to focus on the issues that truly matter and let the smaller annoyances slide. This helps keep the peace and reduces stress. Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler notes, “It’s important to prioritize the bigger issues and let go of minor irritations. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings, but rather preserving energy for conversations that lead to growth and understanding.”
Sometimes men feel disconnected from their partners during pregnancy because they aren’t physically experiencing it. Involving him in things like attending doctor’s appointments, helping with baby preparations, or even reading pregnancy books together can help him feel more connected and invested.
“The more involved a partner is in the pregnancy, the more likely they are to feel connected to the experience. Engaging in preparations together fosters emotional intimacy educator
— Penny Simkin, childbirth
4. Ask for practical help
Men tend to respond better to clear, actionable requests rather than vague expressions of frustration. If you feel like your husband isn’t supporting you, and as a result, you’re taking on too much, ask for specific help. Whether it’s asking him to cook dinner or pick up groceries, practical help can relieve some of your stress. Parenting coach Dr. Laura Markham emphasizes, “Clear requests for specific tasks are often better received than emotional complaints. Framing it as teamwork can make him more willing to step up.”
5. Take time for yourselves as a couple
Pregnancy can shift the focus away from your relationship and toward the baby, which may leave both of you feeling disconnected. Make sure you’re still spending quality time together—whether it’s date nights, quiet dinners at home, or just watching a movie. Strengthening your bond will make him more likely to be supportive.
6. Seek outside support
If he’s not being as supportive as you need, it’s okay to lean on friends, family, or even a therapist. Talking to someone you trust can help relieve emotional pressure. Also, having a solid support system beyond your partner can make a huge difference in alleviating your fears and insecurities. Dr. Alexandra Sacks, perinatal psychiatrist, notes, “Building a support network is essential, especially during pregnancy. Don’t hesitate to reach out to others when you need extra emotional or physical help.”
7. Consider counseling together
If the lack of support in the relationship is becoming a significant issue, couples counseling can be a great way to work through it. A therapist can help you both communicate better, understand each other’s needs, and navigate the emotional challenges of pregnancy together. If you feel overwhelmed and need professional help, skilled and experienced mental health experts on Bonbology’s panel are here for you.
Key Pointers
Some changes in the relationship dynamics are to be expected when you’re expecting a child
However, when your man fails to step up, you end up feeling alone and unsupported during pregnancy
Not being emotionally available, being dismissive of your concerns and discomfort, not being invested in the experience, and not prioritizing you are some signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy
To not let this take a toll on your emotional health and your relationship, you need to foster open communication, involve him in the experience, ask for help when needed, and build a support system
If pregnancy is causing too big a strain on your marriage, consider seeking professional help and working through your issues with the guidance of a skilled relationship counselor or mental health expert
Final Thoughts
Support, love, and affection are most crucial during a pregnancy. Noticing signs that indicate a lack of empathy and investment on your spouse’s part can be heartbreaking, and this issue needs to be addressed proactively before it gives away to resentment and other negative feelings. A supportive partnership during this period will not only help you feel cared for but also strengthen your bond for the journey ahead.
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“Inside Out 2” introduces new emotions like Anxiety and Envy as Riley navigates the challenges of growing up and forming her sense of self. This heartfelt sequel naturally builds on the inner world of its predecessor, teaching important lessons in mental health for both children and adults.
The original “Inside Out” (2015) was a monumental Pixar film that humorously depicted the chaotic inner world of emotions that we all have to navigate.
In the first one, the young protagonist Riley had to learn that negative emotions like “Sadness” (a blue-colored character) aren’t something that have to be avoided at all costs, but are appropriate emotions to feel sometimes, and even a necessary function of a happy and healthy life. It was a powerful lesson in emotional intelligence that resonated with both children and adults alike.
The sequel “Inside Out 2” (2024) continues to build off of these themes in a fun, organic, and intuitive way. Riley is now thirteen and about to enter high school. She starts to experience a new range of emotions (especially “Anxiety” and “Envy”), which start to influence her newly forming “belief system” and a “sense of self.”
The creators of the Inside Out franchise have a team of psychologists that help them illustrate key concepts in an imaginative way, which makes this film both enjoyable and educational. This article will explore some of the new concepts in the film and how the mental world-building in the franchise continues to expand.
New Emotions
Inside Out 2 introduces a bunch of new emotions into Riley’s inner world. In addition to the original line-up (Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust), they also include:
Anxiety (orange): The focus of the film. Anxiety is always thinking ahead and wanting what is best for Riley, but also overworks and overworries her. The main narrative of the film shows Riley wanting to become the best hockey player she can possibly be; anxiety tries to help her achieve this by motivating Riley to constantly push herself forward, wake up early to train more, and work harder. However, too much anxiety distracts her from other core values in life, such as kindness and friendship, and also hurts her ability to just have fun and enjoy the game of hockey. At the climax of the film, Anxiety works itself up into such a frenzy that it freezes and has a panic attack (this scene has resonated with a lot of people who have experienced similar attacks, including myself). Riley must learn that while anxiety can be a powerful motivator it also needs to be balanced with feelings of acceptance, relaxation, and joy.
Envy (cyan): This emotion is always admiring others, looking up to them, and wanting what they have. When Riley first meets her hockey idols, she becomes envious of how “cool” and “successful” they are, so she strives to become just like them by mimicking them and copying their behaviors, including at one point dying her hair the same way to be more like them. Like all emotions, envy and jealousy can be insightful emotions with the right perspective: they can show us what we want or value in life. However when our lives are completely run by these feelings, we end up trying to be something we’re not.
Embarrassment (pink): A big goofy emotion that looks away and covers his head in a hoodie whenever something shameful or embarrassing happens to Riley. It’s interesting to note that many of the new emotions added have a social component to them. This makes sense as Riley comes of age and begins to balance her self-perception with how she is perceived by others.
All of the emotions in Inside Out 2 (both old and new). One cool thing about each emotion is that it is naturally paired with a specific color. Sadness is blue, Anger is red, Joy is yellow, Disgust is green, and Anxiety is orange.
Ennui/Boredom (purple): A humorous emotion with a stereotypically snobby French accent that constantly pretends to not be interested in anything. They will often deflect serious or uncomfortable situations with sarcasm, irony, or feigned disinterest. This character cleverly shows how many people use sarcasm as a defense mechanism when they are too afraid to be honest or sincere about their true thoughts and feelings. It reflects a common attitude among teenagers and young adults where it’s perceived as “lame” to care too much about anything.
Nostalgia (beige): This emotion is a side character that pops up a couple times throughout the film. Each time the other emotions humorously tell “Nostalgia” that she is arriving too soon, and that Riley has to at least wait for her first date, first kiss, or graduation before she starts reminiscing on the past. Perhaps Nostalgia will be the main character in Inside Out 10, when Riley is much older and has already lived the bulk of her life.
The original creator Pete Docter conceived of between 5-27 emotions that could be added to the Inside Out world, so it’s likely newer emotions will continue to be introduced if the series keeps going. Check out different classifications of emotions here, the original five in the movie are based on Paul Ekman’s model (excluding “surprise”).
Belief System and Sense of Self
One of the most interesting new features added to the Inside Out world is the idea of a “belief system.”
In the first movie, they introduced the concept of a “core memory” as a highly emotionally charged event that is then stored in Riley’s brain. Now these core memories can be brought to the “belief system” and turned into a belief (or recurring thought pattern). For example, when Riley fails an important exam at school, that core memory may be turned into the belief, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not smart enough.”
Here’s how the belief system is visually represented, it looks similar to a bunch of neurons in a brain. Each ray of light represents one specific belief:
All of these beliefs come together to create Riley’s “sense of self.” This is depicted in the movie as a type of “electric tree,” with its roots representing each core belief.
At first the character Joy takes complete control over Riley’s “sense of self.” It only feeds positive memories and positive beliefs into her belief system, and tries to protect her from negative memories by throwing them into the “back of the mind” where they can be ignored forever.
When the emotion Anxiety takes over, only negative beliefs are fed into the sense of self, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I need to be better.” The “sense of self” changes color and shape to reflect these changes in how Riley sees herself.
After Riley suffers from a panic attack during a hockey game due to being completely controlled by Anxiety, the character Joy intervenes and gets Anxiety to “let go” of the controls.
In the outside world, Riley practices a grounding technique by making note of her five senses and taking deep breaths to bring herself back to the present moment. She then does the right thing by apologizing to her friends for being so mean and distant toward them.
Finally Riley “calls” Joy back to her and allows herself to have fun playing the rest of the hockey game with her friends.
By the end of the movie, Riley forms a completely new “sense of self” that accepts all of her thoughts and feelings, even when they can be conflicting or contradictory at times. Riley’s emotions come together and realize that she needs all of them.
No single emotion gets to determine who Riley is – they all contribute in helping Riley become the best version of herself.
Conclusion
Overall Inside Out 2 is a worthy sequel that builds off of its predecessor in an organic and intelligent way that is bound to resonate with both children and adults. Make sure to put it on your watchlist this year!
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Do you stand over your child’s shoulder when they do their homework? Do you find yourself directing your kids’ every move? “Pick up this, clean up that, sit up straight, finish your homework, study hard, say thank you.” Do you spend a good chunk of your day obsessing about your children’s success, like will they make the sports team or school play, and will they get into the top-notch college you (yes, you!) always dreamed of?
I hate to break it to you, but you may be a helicopter parent—a term which is commonly used but also has a basis in research on specific parenting behaviors and their effects on children.
Most parents want the very best for their children, and so they’ll go to great lengths to be wonderful providers and protectors. The deep love and care that parents have for their children can even push parents to, well, be a bit over-the-top. And helicopter parents are known to be overly protective and involved in their children’s lives.
The term paints a picture of a parent who hovers over their children, always on alert, and who swoops in to rescue them at the first sign of trouble or disappointment. The term was first coined in 1990 by Foster Cline and Jim Fay in their book, Parenting with Love and Logic, and it gained relevance with college admissions staff who noticed how parents of prospective students were inserting themselves in the admissions process.
What is helicopter parenting?
Helicopter parenting can be defined by three types of behaviors that parents exemplify:
Information seeking behavior including knowing your children’s daily schedule and where they are at all times, helping them make decisions, and being informed about grades and other accomplishments
Direct intervention meaning jumping into conflicts with kids’ roommates, friends, romantic partners and even bosses
Autonomy limiting like when parents prevent kids from making their own mistakes and control their lives
We all want to love our children as much as possible and protect them from the dangers in our society. We live in an increasingly competitive world and want to give our kids every advantage possible. But if we over-parent and smother them, it can backfire big time. A collection of research in recent years shows a connection between helicopter parenting and mental health issues like anxiety and depression as children get older and try to make it on their own.
The negative impacts of helicopter parenting
A 2016 study from the National University of Singapore published in the Journal of Personality indicated that children with intrusive parents who had high expectations for academic performance, or who overreacted when they made a mistake, tend to be more self-critical, anxious, or depressed. The researchers termed this as “maladaptive perfectionism,” or a tendency in children of helicopter parents to be afraid of making mistakes and to blame themselves for not being perfect. This happens because the parents are essentially—whether by their words or actions—indicating to their kids that what they do is never good enough.
Another 2016 study evaluated questionnaires about parenting completed by 377 students from a Midwestern university. Students responded to statements about the type of parents they have, how often they communicate with their parents, and how much their parents intrude in their lives. The students also completed a number of tests to discern their decision-making skills, academic performance, and symptoms of anxiety and depression. Results showed that higher overall helicopter parenting scores were associated with stronger symptoms of anxiety and depression.
According to that study, helicopter parenting “was also associated with poorer functioning in emotional functioning, decision making, and academic functioning. Parents’ information-seeking behaviors, when done in absences of other [helicopter parenting] behaviors, were associated with better decision making and academic functioning.”
Link to social anxiety?
The journal Cognitive Therapy and Researchpublished research in 2017 suggesting that helicopter parenting can trigger anxiety in kids who already struggle with some social issues. A group of children and their parents were asked to complete as many puzzles as possible in a 10-minute time period. Parents were allowed to help their children, but not encouraged to do so.
Researchers noted that the parents of children with social issues touched the puzzles more often than the other parents did. Though they were not critical or negative, they stepped in even when their children did not ask for help. Researchers think this indicates that parents of socially anxious children may perceive challenges to be more threatening than the child thinks they are. Over time, this can diminish a child’s ability to succeed on their own and potentially increase anxiety.
So how does all this hovering cause mental health problems in our children?
First of all, helicopter parents are communicating to their children in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways that they won’t be safe unless mom or dad is there looking out for them. When these children have to go off on their own, they are not prepared to meet daily challenges. This inability to find creative solutions and make decisions on their own can cause a great deal of worry since their protector is no longer around to help them.
Because these children were never taught the skills to function independently, and because they may have been held to unattainable or even “perfectionist” standards, children of helicopter parents can experience anxiety, depression, a lack of confidence, and low self-esteem. Another issue is that if these kids have never experienced failure, they can develop an overwhelming fear of failure and of disappointing others. Finally, if we don’t let our children have the freedom to learn about the world and discover their purpose and what makes them happy, they will struggle to find happiness and live a balanced life—all impacting their mental health.
What we can do to break the helicopter habit
All parents know that parenting is not easy. Having children and raising them presents innumerable challenges and surprises, but also immense joy and connection. Now that we know that overparenting only leads to more problems for our kids, we can make the following adjustments in our parenting approach:
Support your children’s growth and independence by listening to them, and not always pushing your desires on them.
Don’t try to help your children escape consequences for their actions unless you believe those consequences are unfair or life-altering.
Don’t raise your child to expect to be treated differently than other children.
Encourage your children to solve their own problems by asking them to come up with creative solutions.
Teach your children to speak up for themselves in a respectful manner.
Understand and accept your children’s weaknesses and strengths, and help them to use their strengths to achieve their own goals.
Fostering independence
Parents should, of course, do the best they can for their kids. Impulses to involve ourselves in our children’s’ lives often come from a sense of duty, and of unconditional love. We can harness those desires to give the most we can to our kids by resisting helicopter parenting, which can lead to poor outcomes in adulthood.
Instead, try letting your children discover themselves—their weaknesses, strengths, their goals and dreams. You can help them succeed, but you should also let them fail. Teach them how to try again. Learning what failure means, how it feels, and how to bounce back is an important part of becoming independent in our world.
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If I could go back in time, I would relive my adolescence…(said nobody ever). Can you imagine? Reliving those awkward years where your teeth don’t quite fit your face, your skin betrays you, and your prefrontal cortex is far from fully developed? No thanks.
If you watched Disney Pixar’s “Inside Out”, which aired in 2015, you might remember Riley, the 11-year-old girl whose family had recently moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. There, we watched Riley experience emotions of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust as she navigated a difficult transition during a vulnerable time in her life.
And finally, the sequel is here
In “Inside Out 2”, 13-year-old Riley is further along in her adolescence and must make room for some emotions that are a bit more sophisticated: Anxiety, Ennui/Embarrassment (my personal favorite–she’s a vibe), and Envy. As a therapist and a mother, I am HERE for the portrayal of emotions that are a bit more complex/secondary–because if you remember your adolescent years, you remember that everything was complicated, and emotions were most certainly magnified. And most of the support you needed at that time was not actually solution-oriented; but to be given the space to feel heard, seen, understood and accepted during those intense experiences was everything.
This is where Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching can be useful. The five critical steps of Emotion Coaching include:
Having awareness of your child’s emotion(s)
Recognizing your child’s emotional expression as a moment for connection
Listening with empathy and validation
Helping your child label their emotions
Setting limits to help solve problems and navigate difficult situations
When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you are cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to recognize and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.
Making space for ALL the emotions
One of the scenes that stood out to me most in the film was the portrayal of Riley experiencing an anxiety attack. In that scene, we witness the physiological experience of anxiety–her racing heart, sweating, and intense cognitive rumination of who she is as a person. All of this is happening while, behind the scenes, Riley’s “sense of self” is threatened. This scene felt like a poignant and horribly accurate depiction of adolescence–a part of yourself that you don’t want to fully experience or share with others for fear of not being accepted. But the antidote to that is vulnerability–sharing that authentic part of yourself with others.
Another beautiful scene I resonated with in “Inside Out 2” is when all of Riley’s emotions, the primary and secondary, come together and physically (and figuratively) hold Riley’s “sense of self” while allowing her to fully experience all of the emotions, narratives, and thoughts she has. Instead of trying to control, they accept. And true acceptance of all of our parts is what we all crave and desire.
In summary, this quote from the film epitomizes Emotion Coaching in a nutshell: “We love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful part of her.” If we make space and validate all of our emotions, every messy, beautiful part of ourselves (and our children), we can live fully and authentically.
Do you see your emotions as a source of strength or weakness? New research shows how maladaptive beliefs about feelings can lead to destructive patterns and poor self-regulation. Learn how to better navigate your emotional world by cultivating the right approach and mindset toward every feeling.
Two people can experience the same exact emotion in radically different ways depending on their mindset and perspective.
Ultimately, the beliefs you have about emotions are going to influence how you respond to them. This includes both helpful and unhelpful strategies you use to self-regulate your mood and feelings on a daily basis, which is one of the main pillars of emotional intelligence.
Psychology research has looked into what types of beliefs about emotions are associated with maladaptive strategies. One new study published in Current Psychology identified two types of beliefs that can lead to emotional distress and the development of mood disorders: “emotional undesirability” (the belief that emotions should be avoided) and “emotional uncontrollability” (the belief that there’s nothing you can do to change your emotions).
Both of these maladaptive beliefs lead to a passive approach to mental health. They amount to the idea, “All emotions should be avoided – and if they do happen there’s nothing I can do about it.” Naturally a person who holds these beliefs isn’t going to make much of an effort to listen to their emotions more closely or channel them in a more constructive way.
For example, if a person is overwhelmed with anger and they hold these beliefs, they will always rely on their “default response” however destructive it may be: yelling at someone, drinking alcohol, punching a wall, or storming out of the room. The person doesn’t believe they have a choice in how they respond to their anger, they only blame others for their feelings, so there are limited options whenever anger arises. They say to themselves, “When I’m angry, I act like this! And that’s that!”
When you remove any choice or responsibility for your mood and feelings (and how you act on them), you automatically limit your power. You end up becoming a slave to your emotions, rather than a master of them. That’s why these maladaptive beliefs can lead to serious emotional dysfunction and disorder over time, especially if we don’t learn the proper tools and skills for managing our emotions more effectively.
Now let’s learn more about specific destructive beliefs about emotions and how they can hurt our mental health and well-being. Do you believe any of them (or used to in the past)?
5 Destructive and Maladaptive Beliefs About Emotions
People hold many misconceptions about their emotions, but these are the most popular myths:
Emotions Are Weakness – One of the most common beliefs about emotions is that they are a weakness that should be avoided. Whether it’s love, sadness, or fear, we are told to keep our emotions to ourselves, and any expression of them makes us imperfect and vulnerable. This is a myth especially common among men who strive to be as stoic as possible. Instead of listening to emotions and seeing them as a source of strength and knowledge, we bottle them up and are told to just “think with your head” and “be rational.” While emotions can be misleading and we should question our feelings instead of following them blindly or impulsively, the truth is emotions can contain a lot of power and wisdom when we can listen and respond to them in the right way.
Emotions Should Always Be Positive – Another popular myth about emotions is that we should always “feel good” and never “feel bad.” However, even the most emotionally intelligent person is going to experience their fair share of positive and negative emotions, because it’s an inseparable part of human existence. Negative emotions are not only inevitable, they provide a necessary function that helps us navigate our world and live better lives. All emotions – including sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, and grief – serve a purpose and guide us. Without the experience of pain we would put ourselves in danger, such as keeping our hands in a fire until it is burnt. In the same way, negative emotions are uncomfortable but necessary signals we need to survive.
Emotions Are Fixed and Permanent – Emotions come and go naturally, but in the moment they can feel solid and permanent. If you watch your emotions closely, you’ll notice they are always changing in various dimensions (time, intensity, frequency, shape), and if you wait long enough one emotion usually takes the place of another. This is the lesson of impermanence – it’s best encapsulated by the mantra this too shall pass, and it describes how every experience (sensations, thoughts, feelings, memories, imaginations) will eventually dissipate over time. Once you learn this, you realize that you don’t always have to act on every emotion to move past it, sometimes you can just sit and wait. There’s a mindful gap between every “feeling” and “action,” and we can experience an emotion fully without needing to directly respond to it.
Emotions Are Uncontrollable – In the heat of the moment, emotions can seem uncontrollable. Once an emotion becomes too intense, it can often hijack our brains and cause us to act in ways we later regret. One key aspect of self-regulation is creating a plan for negative emotionsbefore they happen. First identify one emotion you’re stuck in a negative pattern with. Then when you are in a calm and peaceful state of mind, write and brainstorm new ways to respond to that negative emotion in that situation. Put it in the form of an “if, then” statement: “If I feel angry, then I will take ten deep breaths” or “If I feel sad, then I will write for 10 minutes in my journal.” You can change your natural response to intense negative emotions, but like all habits it takes time, practice, and patience.
Emotions Are Irrational – The last common error people make is believing that emotions are the opposite of thinking and that the two are completely separate. We falsely believe we need to choose between “thinking” and “emotions” in a given situation when often they are interconnected and work in tandem. Beliefs ↔ emotions is a two-way street. Thoughts can influence our emotions (such as an idea in your head that makes you feel good/bad), and emotions can influence our thoughts (such as a bad mood making you more pessimistic or cynical). Emotions are just another way of processing information from our environment. In fact our intuition and gut feelings are often described as super fast pattern recognition that happens below the surface of consciousness. In some situations, gut feelings can be a more intelligent guide for making decisions than our conscious logic and reasoning.
What’s your perspective on your emotions? How have your beliefs about emotions changed over time?
Personally, I once viewed emotions as mere background noise, something to be ignored or suppressed in pursuit of pure rationality and self-control. My journey into psychology and self-improvement changed my perspective. I began to discover that “emotions are powerful,” “emotions are a resource,” and “emotions are worth paying attention to.”
This paradigm shift was foundational in shaping my approach to life and one of my core motivations for starting this website.
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Rumination is the cornerstone of depression and anxiety. It’s characterized by an excessive replaying of negative thoughts and memories. A new study finds rumination activates the same brain regions as savoring, or the replaying of positive thoughts. Can depressed people learn to use their brains’ natural abilities in a more constructive way?
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Explore the world of love through a variety of lenses. Here’s a collection of powerful films that each portray love and romance in a unique way, spanning multiple genres including drama, comedy, fantasy, animation, and sci-fi.
“Cinema is a mirror by which we often see ourselves.”
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Movies give us the opportunity to explore major themes in life in a meaningful and profound way.
A powerful film can lead to a better understanding of your own experiences. It can communicate thoughts and emotions that may have been challenging to express; and, at times, completely reshape our perspective on life.
For better or worse, movies play a pivotal role in shaping our beliefs and map of reality. We pick up ideas through films, sometimes absorbed at a very young age, and those ideas find their way into our daily lives influencing our choices and perspectives.
Filmmakers understand the transformative power of cinema, purposely using it to shake up people’s consciousness. The goal of a solid film is to create an experience that leaves you a different person by the end of it.
As viewers, it’s essential to be aware of a film’s effects both emotionally and intellectually. Often, the movies that linger in our thoughts long after watching are the most impactful and life-changing.
Here’s a collection of classic films about love and romance. Each movie has had a lasting influence on audiences in one way or another. It’s an eclectic list that spans multiple genres, including drama, comedy, animation, fantasy, mystery, and sci-fi.
Titanic (1997)
James Cameron’s epic tale blends love and tragedy against the historical backdrop of the Titanic’s sinking in 1912. The film weaves a captivating narrative of a forbidden romance blossoming amidst a natural disaster.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
In this mind-bending story, a man attempts to erase the memories of a lost love using cutting-edge technology, only to find fate conspiring to bring the couple back together repeatedly. The film explores the complexities of memory, love, and destiny.
Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Disney’s classic adaptation of the French fairy tale is celebrated for its beautiful animation and memorable songs. The film goes beyond appearances, illustrating the transformative power of true love.
Her (2013)
Set in a near-future world, “Her” tells the unconventional love story of a lonely man who forms a deep connection with his computer’s operating system. The film delves into themes of technology, loneliness, and the nature of human connection.
Before Sunrise (1995)
Richard Linklater’s film follows two young tourists who meet on a train in Europe and share an unforgettable night in Vienna. The movie explores the transient nature of connections and the profound impact of brief encounters.
Lost in Translation (2003)
Sofia Coppola’s film features a washed-up American celebrity and a young woman forging an unexpected bond in Tokyo. “Lost in Translation” navigates themes of loneliness, connection, and self-discovery.
Cinema Paradiso (1988)
An Italian filmmaker reflects on his past and learns how to channel his love in a different and creative way through his art and craftsmanship.
Past Lives (2023)
Two childhood friends reconnect after years apart, seeking to unravel the meaning behind their enduring connection. The film explores the complexities of friendship, time, and shared history.
Set in a dystopian future, “The Lobster” challenges societal norms by presenting a world where individuals must choose a romantic partner within 45 days or face transformation into an animal. The film satirizes the pressure to conform in matters of love.
Annie Hall (1977)
Woody Allen’s classic romantic comedy is a hilarious and heartfelt movie that explores neurotic love and the psychological obstacles we commonly face in marriage and long-term relationships.
Your Name. (2016)
A masterful anime that combines elements of science fiction, fantasy, and romance. It centers on a mysterious connection between a boy and girl who swap bodies, learn about each other’s lives, and search to find each other in real life.
A Woman Under the Influence (1974)
John Cassavetes’ uncomfortably raw and dramatic portrayal of the profound impact of mental illness on marriage and family, navigating the complexities with unflinching honesty.
The Fountain (2006)
Darren Aronofsky’s “The Fountain” explores love and mortality through three interconnected storylines spanning different time periods. The film delves into themes of eternal love and the quest for immortality, providing a visually stunning and emotionally resonant experience.
Scenes From a Marriage (1974)
Legendary director Ingmar Bergman’s deeply incisive and detailed chronicle of a rocky marriage’s final days.
Choose one movie and analyze it
Each of these films offers a different perspective on love while also pushing the boundaries of cinema and story-telling.
It’s fun to compare each story: How did the couples meet? What defined “love” for them? What obstacles did they face? Did the relationship work out in the end or not? Why?
While films are often seen as just a source of entertainment or healthy escapism, they can also be an avenue for self-improvement and growth.
The “Movie Analysis Worksheet” is designed to make you think about the deeper themes behind a film and extract some lessons from it that you can apply to your life.
Watch with a friend and discuss
If you don’t want to do the worksheet, just watch one of the movies with a friend (or loved one) – then discuss it after.
Watching a film together is an opportunity to share a new experience. It can also spark up interesting conversations. This is one reason why bonding through movies is one of the most common ways we connect with people in today’s world.
Which film will you check out?
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“Love On The Spectrum” is a reality television show centered on how people with autism view, seek, and find love. It’s a fun, inspiring, and heartwarming series that we can all draw many lessons from.
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Movies can be an excellent social bonding experience in a variety of situations, including first dates, family movie nights, group watches, couples therapy, and professional settings. Learn more about the emotional dynamics behind watching films together.
Beyond being a source of entertainment, films have the power to foster social bonds and create shared experiences among individuals.
Whether it’s getting together at a friend’s house on a weekend night, embarking on a first date at the theaters, or upholding a family tradition of watching the same movie during holidays, watching movies together is one of the most common ways we connect with others.
But what’s the psychology behind these cinematic connections? Let’s dive into the many social benefits behind movie watching and how they can improve our relationships in a number of different social settings.
Shared Experiences
Every time you press “Play” on a new movie, you are starting a collective journey with whoever you are watching with. No one knows what will happen, so you are both entering the unknown together and experiencing it for the first time.
Every film is a rollercoaster of different emotions – joy, laughter, surprise, fear, suspense, disgust, sadness, anger – and everyone is experiencing those emotions together as a “hive mind.” Research shows emotions are contagious, and when multiple people are experiencing the same emotion in unison, feelings are often amplified more than if you were just experiencing it by yourself.
Movies create new shared experiences that mark new chapters throughout our relationship. “Remember that one time we saw Wolf on Wall Street? That was fun!” A memorable movie can become a distinct event in our relationship’s storyline, especially if it symbolizes a special day like a first date, birthday, or anniversary, giving us a positive memory to look back on and reminisce about.
Watching movies together doesn’t require much work, it effortlessly creates a sense of unity among the people watching. Even if everyone hates the movie, it still creates a shared bond, “Wow, that movie was really stupid!” and then you can all laugh about it.
Icebreaker and Conversation Starter
Watching films together serves as an excellent icebreaker, especially in situations where individuals may be meeting for the first time or trying to strengthen new connections.
The movie theater, often considered a classic venue for a first date, provides a natural conversation starter. After the credits roll, initiating a conversation becomes as easy as asking, “Did you like the movie? Why or why not?” Ask about favorite scenes or whether they’ve seen other movies featuring the same actor or actress.
Use the film as a springboard into other topics to talk about. If you’re skilled at conversation threading, you should be able to take one thing from the film and branch off into more important subjects. If it’s a film about music, inquire about their musical preferences or whether they play an instrument. For sports-themed movies, explore their favorite sports or childhood sports experiences.
Icebreakers aren’t exclusive to first dates; they’re equally helpful in building connections in various scenarios, whether it’s getting to know a coworker outside the office or deepening a friendship.
One fair criticism of movies as a bonding experience is that you don’t get to do much talking during them. It’s a passive experience, not an active one. But there are also benefits to this: it’s a shared experience with little effort (no pressure, just sit and watch), and it gives you a convenient starting point for more meaningful conversation later on.
Nostalgia and Tradition
For many, watching films together is not just an occasional activity but a cherished tradition that spans multiple generations.
Family movie nights play a pivotal role in strengthening the bonds between parents and children. Holiday film marathons, especially during festive seasons, elevate our collective spirit and enhance the joyous atmosphere. Revisiting favorite childhood movies creates a profound sense of nostalgia, keeping us connected to our past.
One popular family tradition may be during Christmas, such as having A Christmas Story playing in the background as you decorate the tree or watching It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas eve.
These traditions are about more than just the movie; they’re about creating a whole family experience. Infuse your own unique twist by turning it into a game, baking homemade cookies before watching, or simply enjoying jokes and good company. The film itself is just one aspect of a complete family ritual and bonding experience.
When families embrace these shared traditions, they contribute to a profound sense of belonging and unity. These rituals become the threads weaving together the fabric of family ties and friendships over long periods of time.
Team Building and Group Bonding
Beyond personal connections, watching films together can be an effective team-building activity in professional settings.
Organizational unity can be difficult to achieve for many companies, especially when workers have radically different jobs and skillsets, often being assigned to work within one department of a company but being siloed off from the organization as a whole.
Movie nights and film screenings can be an effective way to provide employees with a stronger sense of unity and camaraderie. Different departments that normally don’t see each other get to cross-pollinate and make connections with faces they don’t often get to see. Scheduled events like this can foster a team of teams mindset, helping to interconnect different departments into a cohesive whole.
Perhaps certain movies depict an idea, philosophy, or mindset that an organization wants to embrace more of. Requiring every employee to watch a movie together is more than just making friends at work, it can also tap into a deeper meaning behind the organization’s mission and purpose.
Couples Therapy
Movies can serve as bouncing points to important conversations that need to be had between spouses and loved ones.
It’s not always easy to bring up certain topics of conversation, but through film you can organically dive into subjects that otherwise wouldn’t get brought up in everyday discourse, like mental health, sex and intimacy, or experiencing grief after a tragedy or loss.
It’s common for a couples therapist to recommend a specific movie to their clients. You may already know of a movie that you’d like to share with someone. You can also ask friends or seek recommendations online. Ask yourself, “What’s something I really want to talk about with my partner?” then “What’s a good movie that can introduce this topic?”
A powerful film can help couples process their relationship more clearly. It shows the universality of humanity – you’re not alone with whatever you are going through – and brings ideas out in the open that need to be expressed or talked about.
One exercise you can try together is to each take notes or fill out a movie analysis worksheet while watching.
Communal Bonding and Bridging Social Divides
On a larger scale, film watching can help bridge cultural and social divides, as well as be used as a tool for communal bonding.
Social events such as public screenings, outdoor showings, movie festivals, or drive-thru theaters are great settings to watch a movie among a large and diverse group of people within your community.
These days with easy access to streaming services at home, most people watch movies all by themselves, but there used to be a time when movie-watching was an intrinsically social activity done in public spaces.
As we continue to see a decline in community feeling, movies may be one avenue to start bringing people together again as a cohesive group.
One idea is for local organizations to throw more public events with film features to celebrate holidays or special events – or you can set up a projector on your garage door and invite some neighbors for a weekend movie watch.
Conclusion
Watching films together is more than just a passive form of entertainment; it is a dynamic social activity that brings people together, creating lasting bonds and shared memories.
Films are universal connectors. Whether it’s with family, friends, or colleagues, the act of watching a movie together creates an automatic bond and sense of unity.
Are you a big movie watcher? In what situations can use film watching to improve your relationships with family, friends, loved ones, or coworkers?
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What are the six aspects of a balanced person? Physical, mental, emotional, social, work/financial, and meaning/spiritual. Learn more about each one and how to improve it!
In life, there isn’t one single area that we need to focus on that is going to magically fix all of our problems.
Instead there are multiple dimensions behind every “good life.” Each dimension requires our attention and each contributes to our overall happiness and well-being.
Here are six aspects of life that come together to create a “balanced person.” By being more aware of these different dimensions in life, we can determine which areas we need to focus on more and work to improve.
The different aspects of a balanced person include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial and 6) Meaning/Spiritual.
If we focus too much on any one area, then we risk neglecting another one. For example, if you become solely focused on just work and money, you may end up spending less time taking care of your physical and mental health, or less quality time with family and friends.
This is a common trap people fall into. They focus all of their energy and effort into one area in life while completely ignoring another. Often they need to reconfigure their core values and priorities before making a meaningful change.
This is why practicing balance in all things is so important.
Each of these areas is one piece of a much larger puzzle, and only when you have all of these areas working together harmoniously can you finally build a complete life that serves all of your needs.
Here’s a detailed breakdown of each aspect of a “balanced person,” along with tips, tools, and practical advice on how you can start improving each one.
While reading ask yourself, “Which aspect do I need to focus on the most right now? What’s one small change I can make to improve that area?”
Now let’s dive in…
1. PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
The “physical” aspect of life is all about taking care of our health, especially exercise, diet, and sleep.
This includes what types of foods and drinks we consume on a daily basis, how often we exercise and keep our bodies moving, personal hygiene and cleanliness, as well as minimizing alcohol, smoking, and other harmful habits to our physical health.
Our body is one of the most precious gifts we have – and without it we can’t exist. If we don’t stay healthy, we often can’t fully enjoy all the other aspects of life such as family, work, traveling, or leisure.
Our health can often have a spillover effect into all the other aspects of our lives – for that reason, taking care of our physical health is often an essential first step on any road to self-improvement.
No matter what the current state of our health is, it’s never too late to start changing our habits, even if it’s something small like stretching in the morning, taking daily walks outside, or starting an active hobby like Yoga, marathon running, or playing sports.
A healthy body is a healthy mind. When we take better care of our bodies, we also feel more confident, motivated, and energized overall. That’s the beginning of bringing out your best self.
Things to do:
Identify small ways to be more physically active. Often our days are filled with opportunities to be more active, we just need to take advantage of them. Try to cultivate an “everything counts” mindset when it comes to exercise, even if it just means taking a walk around the block, or stretching in the morning, or doing push-ups before lunch. Any physical activity is better than none at all – so seek out small and convenient ways to keep your body moving throughout the day. If you find yourself sitting for long periods of time, get up and do chores, take a walk around the office, or make a phone call while standing up. A sedentary lifestyle is one of the biggest risk factors when it comes to poor health, so finding any reason to stand up more is better than sitting.
Find exercise that “clicks” with you and your personality. Different things work for different people. Some people need to commit themselves to a gym membership to get themselves off the couch, while others prefer to work out in the comfort of their own homes. Your personality shapes what exercise you like, so it’s important you find activities that resonate and “click” with you, rather than trying to force yourself to do something you really don’t enjoy. All you need is that one hobby to take your fitness to the next level, whether it be finding an enjoyable sport (like Tennis, or Baseball, or Basketball), or even exercising through video games (such as Wii Fit or Dance Dance Revolution). Try to think of physical activities you enjoyed as a kid, that can often be a good place to rekindle motivation.
Keep a healthy and consistent sleep schedule. Sleep is one of the most important habits when it comes to your overall physical and mental health. Research shows that those who don’t get sufficient sleep (between 6-10 hours every night) often suffer worse health outcomes like a weaker immune system, higher risk of obesity, lower energy and stamina, and more stress and anxiety. If your sleep habits aren’t healthy or consistent, it will likely have a negative “ripple effect” on almost every other aspect of your day. When you’re tired and fatigued, you’re more likely to make mistakes at work or argue with your spouse. It’s important not only to get between 6-10 hours of sleep each night, but also to maintain a consistent schedule. If you don’t sleep much on the weekends, it’s difficult to “catch up” on those lost hours throughout the week. Try to go to bed and wake up around the same time each day if possible. Here are more important lessons behind a good night’s sleep, including recognizing that some people are natural “early birds” or “night owls,” and that’s something you need to recognize and work with.
Pay attention to your food and diet. There are many different diets out there to choose from – and people can have long debates about which one is better – but the most important thing is to not eat too much, especially junk food, fast food, soda, sweets, and lots of processed food. Use your commonsense. Experiment with different diet changes and see what works best for you. Different diets work better for different people – so there’s no “one size fits all” solution to what exactly you should eat or not eat. One simple diet change is to substitute all your soda/juice/sugary drinks with water instead. Drinking plenty of water is never a bad place to start – most people don’t recognize how dehydrated they can be throughout the day and how it effects them. If you’re trying to lose weight, one popular option you can consider is intermittent fasting where you allow yourself to eat for an 8 hour window each day and fast for the remaining 16 hours. You can also try the “One Meal A Day” approach, where you restrict yourself to just one big meal (with minimal snacking). In general, pay attention to how your body responds to the things you eat: What foods leave you tired and feeling like crap? What foods make you energized and feeling good?
Take care of personal hygiene and cleanliness. Proper hygiene is another important aspect of physical health. While it can seem like commonsense, basic habits like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, getting a haircut, trimming your nails, and washing your face are are all important things not to neglect. Not only does cleanliness prevent you from catching germs and getting sick, you also feel better about yourself when you present yourself in the best way possible (and smell good). Often we are surprised by how much better we feel after a fresh new haircut, or clean new clothes, or new cologne/perfume. When mental health is low, we sometimes neglect these basic habits out of laziness or apathy, which is why they are a crucial first step in self-improvement if we aren’t paying enough attention to them.
Minimize your bad habits. No one is 100% perfect and we all have a couple bad habits, whether it be eating too many sweets, or drinking alcohol, or staying up late, or smoking cigarettes. In general, it’s important to quit (or minimize) our unhealthy habits as much as possible. “Choose your crutches wisely.” Keep in mind the long-term consequences of your habits – while it may not feel like they are hurting you right now, their effects can often catch up to you in the future. When trying to quit any bad habit, identify your triggers and work from there to change to change your patterns. Often by creating more boundaries between you and your bad habits, you can overcome your urge to do them (until it’s no longer an automatic habit anymore). If you find that you have a serious problem with addiction or drug abuse, consider professional help (such as a therapist, psychologist, or counselor) – there are often local resources available in your area if you do a quick search.
Please don’t underestimate the importance of keeping your body in the best shape possible. As Socrates famously said, “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”
Physical health is about much more than just looking and feeling good about yourself – it’s about living a life of vitality and longevity. You can have everything else in your life figured out, but if you don’t maintain your health you won’t be around very long to use or enjoy it.
2. MENTAL WELL-BEING
If you don’t take care of your body then it will slowly deteriorate – and the same is true for your mind.
Just because you don’t have to go to school anymore doesn’t mean you can’t keep learning new things, keeping your brain sharp, and challenging your intellect.
Reading books. Learning about new topics. Having deep conversations. Attending lectures and workshops. Following the news. These are all commonsense ways to keep our minds active and continue to update our knowledge and belief system as we move through life.
Learning is a lifelong endeavor. Balanced people are always seeking new things to dig into and learn more about like a new hobby, new game, or new skill such as painting, chess, learning a new language, or playing a musical instrument.
In addition, research shows that continuing to challenge our brain is an important way to prevent cognitive decline as we get older, including lower the risk of dementia and memory loss.
Things to do:
Read more books. Reading is one of the best ways to keep your mind sharp and learn new things. Nonfiction books about science, history, philosophy, or self help can grow your knowledge and broaden your perspective on life; and reading fiction has been shown to have many cognitive benefits such as boosting empathy, creative thinking, and expanding your vocabulary. If you haven’t read a book in awhile, try to make it a goal to read at least one book this year. You can start with a book you already own but never got a chance to read, or ask a friend for a book recommendation, or get a card from your local library and explore countless books for free. Find a topic or subject that interests you and start there!
Learn a new skill. Learning multiple skills is a hallmark of being a balanced and well-rounded person. It’s never too late in life to dive into something completely new, such as playing a musical instrument, learning a new language, writing poetry, painting, or playing chess. A jack of all trades mindset can make you stand-out from others in unique ways. Many people have a talent or passion for at least one thing, but when you start combining talents and cultivating multiple interests it shows your range and flexibility as a person. Don’t limit yourself. There’s no pressure to become a “professional” or “expert” in everything you do, just stay on a learning path, have fun while doing it, and enjoy seeing the growth as you go.
Watch documentaries. Documentaries are a fun and easy way to explore new topics and learn about interesting things you otherwise wouldn’t experience. Depending on what you like, there are many different subjects to choose from: history, sports, biographies, science, inspirational stories, or nature documentaries (which have also been shown to boost positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and awe). I’ve made a lengthy list of recommended documentaries which I try to keep updated as I discover new ones. Check it out and choose one that catches your eye!
Monitor your information diet. Our current world is overloaded with information, including a lot that is wrong, misleading, or straight up lies and propaganda. Now more than ever we need to pay close attention to the information we consume on a daily basis. Try to find trustworthy news and educational sites where you can easily verify what they are saying from other sources. Beware of going down esoteric “rabbit holes” where people only confirm their own biases and beliefs. Actively seek out information from multiple sides so you’re at least aware of different perspectives and counter-arguments. The information pyramid is a great guide on how you should prioritize certain sources over others. In general, a peer-reviewed scientific study should be given more weight than some random influencer on social media. Keep in mind it’s also possible to consume too much and become an information junkie, where you’re addicted to learning new things, but you never act on it or put it into practice.
Spend time in active reflection. Give yourself time to think and digest, even if it’s just for 10 minutes while sitting with your first cup of coffee in the morning. You don’t always need to be filling your brain with facts to be a smarter person, you also need to know how to step back and contemplate what you know. Active and engaged minds are always taking advantage of opportunities for everyday reflection when sitting on the bus, taking a shower, or walking the dog. Often your best ideas and insights come in moments when you’re not trying to solve a problem directly but just mulling it over in your mind. Schedule time for solitude every now and then and don’t be afraid to sit alone with your thoughts.
Learn how your mind works. One essential component to being a more intelligent thinker is knowing how your mind works. We naturally believe we understand ourselves best, but psychology and neuroscience can sometimes reveal counter-intuitive facts and tendencies. To start, our minds are very susceptible to cognitive biases and logical fallacies that can muddy our thinking and understanding of reality. One of the most common errors is black and white thinking, where we believe a situation needs to be either “A” or “B,” but a third perspective, “C,” is the more accurate view. Our minds like to over-simplify things when reality can often be more nuanced and complex. Show intellectual humility. Be open to being wrong and be open to changing your mind in the face of new evidence and experience.
Take your education seriously. Maintain a healthy and active brain. Even if you were never a good student in school, that doesn’t mean you can’t improve your knowledge and intelligence, especially once you find subjects you are deeply passionate about. Benjamin Franklin once said, “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.”
3. EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING
In the “Mental” section we covered how to keep our brains active and be more intelligent thinkers, but there’s also a whole other side of our psychology that we need to pay attention to as well: our “Emotional” side.
Emotions can often seem like something that we have limited power over, but being a more emotionally intelligent person means becoming more self-aware and learning how to better respond to our emotions in the moment.
We can’t ignore our emotions or push them aside forever, they are a necessary facet of life and we must learn to navigate our emotional world effectively if we want to live the best life possible.
Remember that emotions are a resource, not a crutch. Every emotion serves a function or purpose, and if we channel our emotions in a constructive direction we can make great things happen.
One important lesson is that even negative emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or fear are helpful to a better life if we approach them from the right perspective.
Things to do:
Learn the basics of emotional intelligence. There are 4 fundamental pillars of emotional intelligence that we need to cultivate: 1) Self-awareness (recognizing our emotions when they happen), 2) Self-regulation (knowing how to respond to our emotions and channel them in a positive direction, 3) Empathy (being aware of other people’s emotions and internal states), and 4) Social Skills (knowing how to respond to other people’s emotions in a healthy and constructive way). Certain people may be strong at some of these and not for others. For example, someone may be really empathetic and caring, but not know how to regulate their own mood and emotions, leading to burnout and emotional fatigue. An emotionally intelligent person must work on all four of these pillars.
Improve body awareness. All emotions have a physical component to them. When you learn how to identify the physical sensations behind each emotion, you’ll be much more attuned to your feelings in the moment as you’re experiencing them. This helps you to be more aware of your feelings before acting on them, and to recognize how emotions often want to push or pull you in a certain direction (“do this” vs. “don’t do that”). Every feeling serves a different function depending on its emotional valence (“positive” vs. “negative”) and arousal level (“high energy” vs. “low energy”). With practice, this improved body awareness can also boost your intuition, making you a better reader of your “gut feelings” and what they are telling you.
Learn to channel negative emotions. Negative emotions can serve a positive function if you know how to respond to them in a constructive way. If you struggle with any specific negative emotion (sadness, fear, guilt, or anger), then create a plan for how you will respond to it the next time it arises. For example, “If I’m angry, then I’ll go exercise,” or “If I’m sad, then I’ll write in my journal.” Emotions are energy that can be channeled in multiple directions. Write a list of the many ways you can respond to any negative emotion. Remind yourself you have a choice, and you don’t have to keep following the same pattern between negative emotion → negative behavior. One popular technique is opposite action, where you intentionally do the opposite of what a feeling is telling you to do (to reverse the cycle of negativity).
Practice meditation and daily mindfulness. Meditation is a great avenue for better understanding and regulating your emotions. It teaches you how to step back and just observe your thoughts and feelings without needing to immediately react to them. This space between “feelings” and “actions” is crucial for being a more emotionally intelligent person; it’s the main principle behind discipline, willpower, and self-control. Never forget that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you need to act on it. If you’re completely new to meditation, start with the 100 breaths meditation – a simple exercise where you just focus on your breathing. It’s also helpful to learn grounding techniques for when you feel overwhelmed, such as mindful stretching or a 5 senses meditation.
Embrace creative expression. It’s difficult to describe many emotions with only words so it’s important to embrace other ways of expressing yourself, such as through music, photography, dance, painting, drawing, acting, or film. Often when I meet people who don’t feel fully connected to their emotional self, they usually lack ways of expressing themselves through art and creativity. A creative outlet is often a prerequisite to better understanding and navigating your emotional world, even if you don’t typically think of yourself as a “creative person.”
Savor all of your positive experiences. Life is filled with many joys and pleasures throughout the day and we should try to savor them as much as possible. We have many positive emotions to choose from – joy, gratitude, peace, awe, excitement, laughter, and wonder – and there are a variety of activities that can lead to more positive emodiversity in our lives. Don’t just chase after the same positive experiences over and over again, seek new experiences, new hobbies, and new ways of enjoying life. Learn how to savor happiness as much as possible by being more present in the moment, creating positive memories, and reminiscing on good times.
Relax and manage daily stress. Last but not least, it’s necessary we cover stress management as an essential component to mental health and emotional intelligence. Stress is a normal part of everyday life, but if you don’t know how to manage it in a healthy way it can often have a negative influence on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by making you more sensitive, irritable, angry, and bothered (even by little things that don’t really matter). Recognize when to push yourself vs. when to step back and recharge. In the complete guide on daily stress, you’ll find a great framework for reframing your “fight, flight, or freeze” response by viewing stress as a signal to pay attention to and guide you throughout the day. Don’t underestimate the importance of your comfort zone and use it as a place to recharge after a challenging or overwhelming day.
Emotions can “make us” or “break us” depending on how emotionally intelligent we are. They are a fundamental part of life, but we often have more power over them than we realize. Learn how to channel your emotions in a healthy and constructive way – become a master of them, not a slave to them.
4. SOCIAL WELL-BEING
Healthy and positive relationships are an essential ingredient to happiness and well-being.
No matter who you are, you crave some type of social connection; even the most introverted person on the planet will have a tough time finding happiness all by themselves.
There used to be a time when I believed “I don’t need people to be happy, all I need is myself.” But over the years I’ve learned more and more that having social support and a sense of belonging is a basic human need that can’t be avoided.
How strong is your current social circle? Here’s advice to get you started.
Things to do:
Stay connected with friends and family. You should try your best to stay in touch with people who you already have a strong relationship with, especially family and old friends. There’s a simple power in checking in on people and preserving social connections you’ve already established. It doesn’t take much time or effort to show you’re thinking about someone: a simple text, email, or phone call is all you need to let people know you still care and value your relationship with them. You’d be surprised by how much other people appreciate you reaching out to them, even if you haven’t spoken to them in a really long time.
Embrace small social interactions. Every time you leave your home, there is opportunity for social interaction. To build your social muscles, embrace the power of 10 second relationships, such as saying “Hi,” to a neighbor or coworker, small talk with a cashier or cab driver, or sparking up a quick conversation while waiting for the train or bus. Research shows even super tiny social interactions can boost positive emotions and feelings of social connectedness. This can also be a great exercise for people who are very introverted (or have a lot of social anxiety) and want to start being a more social person. Make a plan to have a pleasant interaction with at least one new person every day.
Learn how to have endless conversations. One big concern for people when it comes to meeting new people is, “What do I say? What if I run out of things to talk about?” One popular technique known as conversation threading provides an excellent framework so that you never run out of topics to talk about. The basic idea is that every sentence contains multiple “threads” we can go down, and often the art of good conversation is being able to 1) Listen to what people say, and 2) Choose a thread to talk more about. Rinse and repeat and a conversation can go on forever. Also consider improvisation exercises so that you can be a faster and more creative thinker in the moment.
Improve communication and conflict resolution. It’s a cliché, but communication is everything in relationships. If you don’t know how to express your thoughts and feelings in an honest and constructive way, you’ll have trouble building genuine and healthy connections with others at home, work, or wherever you need to cooperate and work together with people. In romantic relationships, it’s important to know how to communicate your feelings without manipulating or being dramatic. In family and work environments, it’s important to know how to defuse heated arguments before they spiral out of control. The truth is people can be difficult and you’re not going to like everyone’s company. That’s natural. Conflicts have the potential to arise in any social situation, because people have different beliefs, values, and personalities that may be incompatible with each other. What’s most important is to teach yourself the best methods for conflict resolution so you can better navigate the complexities of your social world.
Find opportunities to meet new people. Most people make friends through work or school. Once we get older, it can become more difficult to find new connections or become a part of new social circles. Recent research shows that most adults claim to have “less than 5 close friends.” If you’re looking to expand your circle, there are many opportunities available to you. Depending on your likes, hobbies, and interests, consider going out more to music shows, bars, coffee shops, workshops, church/religious services, bowling leagues, adult education classes, sports events, or book clubs. Seek out local groups in your area or volunteer somewhere. You can also take advantage of websites like Meet Up to connect with like-minded people who live close-by. All it takes is one new friend to introduce you to an entirely new social circle. Be patient and don’t worry if you don’t initially hit it off with the first couple people you meet. Finding the right relationships that fit into our lives can take time.
Use social media and the internet to connect. The internet can be a great place to connect with like-minded people who we’d never meet in the real world. Online communities on social media, message boards, or video games can often provide a valuable source of social interaction, especially for people who don’t have many “real life” friends. The internet can be particularly helpful for connecting with others who have rare or eccentric hobbies, such as fans of a specific author, athlete, music genre, or comic book franchise. Unfortunately, many online communities can also become negative, competitive, and toxic (see the online disinhibition effect), so it’s necessary you build a positive digital environment that works for you. That doesn’t mean hiding in your own “echo chamber,” but it does mean cultivating a feed and followers who ultimately add value to your life and don’t subtract it. First focus on topics you’re naturally interested in such as science, technology, sports, or movies. Try not to be a passive consumer of information, actively enter conversations by asking questions or sharing knowledge with others. Often times we can build meaningful connections with people online that are just as important as those we find in the real world. However, while online relationships can have many benefits, we shouldn’t see them as a substitute for real world “face to face” interactions.
Always remember that quality of relationships > quantity of relationships.
You don’t need to be super popular or the life of the party to have a healthy social life. All you need is a couple really close friends who support you, trust you, and enjoy your presence. That’s everything you need to be socially satisfied.
Healthy relationships are a fundamental aspect of happiness and well-being for everyone. Our need to belong to a “tribe” or group is hardwired into our brain, biology, and evolution. Like every other aspect of a balanced person, it can’t be ignored.
Are your daily social needs being fulfilled?
5. WORK / FINANCIAL WELL-BEING
Another fundamental aspect of a balanced person is work, money, and material concerns.
At the most basic level, we depend on food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, and other necessities so we can live a healthy and dignified life.
People that struggle to make a living can often hurt in many other areas: physical health (can’t afford good foods, healthcare, or medicine), relationships (can’t support family, no money for dating), as well as our mental and emotional well-being (stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem).
Unless you win the lottery or have someone else to provide for you, finding a steady job or career is often one of the most focused on areas in life. From childhood up until we finish high school or college, we are constantly asked, “What do you want to do for a living?”
A few people find jobs they love, many find jobs they like, and most find jobs they can at least tolerate. Balancing psychological needs with financial needs can be a difficult task depending on your current situation.
While we don’t always get a choice in what we do for a living, there are important ways to give ourselves more power over our work life and financial life. Here are important guidelines to keep in mind.
Things to do:
Focus on your strengths. Everyone has a place in this world where they add value. Before you decide what type of work you’d like to do for a living, it’s important to know what your natural strengths, skills, and talents are. If you’re friendly and good with people, you may excel at managing, customer service, or human resources type jobs. If you’re more introverted and creative, you may want to focus on writing, graphic design, computer programming, or freelance work. What type of activities are you typically good at (or at least above average)? What were your best subjects in school? What do you enjoy doing and why? Complete the strengths worksheet to discover more about your natural skillset. Ultimately, knowing your strengths will influence what types of jobs or career choices will suit you best – including where you contribute the most value.
Value education and experience. No matter what your job is, there are always new ways to learn and improve. The best workers in life are those who are always growing and mastering their craft. College is still an important part of education, but what’s even more important is to stay self-motivated and continue learning after school. Many people I know have landed successful jobs that had virtually nothing to do with what they studied in college. In several cases, they were people who taught themselves coding/programming, built a portfolio to show their work to potential employers, and climbed their way up the company ladder from there. All self-taught. You can also consider going to trade schools, workshops, mentorships, internships, and other forms of gaining knowledge and experience that are outside of the traditional college model. Any work experience is better than none at all – you just need to start somewhere and begin building yourself up.
Make the most of your job. While it’s rare for any of us to get our “dream job,” we can always make the most of our work life by being a good employee and doing our best. Use nudges to keep yourself motivated and productive throughout the day, learn mental strategies for getting things done that you normally “don’t like” doing, and make friends at work with bosses, coworkers, clients, or customers, because those are the people you’re going to be spending a lot of time with and it’s crucial you have healthy and functioning relationships with them. No matter what your job is try to see the underlying purpose or meaning behind it. What value does it add to the world? Are you proud of the work you do?
Live within your means. Regardless of how much money you make, one of the most commonsense rules for financial well-being is living within your means. This includes keeping a budget that you can maintain (for food, rent/mortgage, bills, gas, clothes, and leisure expenses), and not buying too much stuff you can’t immediately afford. Debt can be common at some point in our lives (due to student loans, credit card debt, medical emergencies, etc.), but try to be mindful to not put yourself in a hole that you can’t climb out of. Avoid luxury expenses that put you at financial risk. We sometimes over-extend ourselves due to social comparison and a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. We think if our friend or neighbor gets a brand new car or goes on an expensive trip, then we need to “one-up” them with a similar purchase. Many times people fall into massive debt because they are trying to chase status, fame, luxury, or exorbitant pleasures. In general, keep track of all your monthly expenses and find ways to cut back on spending that isn’t necessary. Learn about spending biases that can lead to overconsumption (like the allure of “FREE!,” the “Relativity Trap,” and “One Click” purchases). Big corporations are masters of psychology and persuasion. If we aren’t vigilant about our spending habits (especially if you enjoy retail therapy), then we’ll often fall for tricks that cause us to spend more money than we should.
Create a healthy relationship with material things. This article is about being a balanced person. Work and money are very important aspects of life, but materialistic beliefs can also backfire to hurt us. No one lays down on their deathbed wishing they spent more time in the office. Work-a-holics can end up focusing so much on their career that they neglect giving enough attention to their family, health, and well-being. Never forget that there is a lot more to a good life than just money and material things, despite what you may see glamorized in movies, TV shows, or commercials. Psychology research shows that after a certain point, increased wealth and income has very little effect on our overall happiness and life satisfaction. Being rich sounds awesome, but it won’t necessarily make you any happier than if you earned less with a stable and secure life. Take the materialism quiz to see if you have a healthy relationship with money and stuff.
Remember, money is important but it isn’t everything.
Financial well-being will often look radically different depending on the person. Certain people may be content with modest and minimal living, while others crave more luxury, adventure, and pleasure. Whichever lifestyle you choose, it’s necessary that money finds the proper role in your life without being completely consumed by it.
One succinct way to define true financial well-being is “not needing to think about money all the time.”
6. MEANINGFUL / SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING
The meaningful or spiritual aspects of life can often be overlooked.
We may occasionally ask ourselves big questions like, “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose?” but we rarely translate these questions into our daily lives through action.
For many people, religion is their main source of spirituality and meaning. Attending church, being part of a local community, prayer, and volunteering or giving to charities are common ways people boost meaning in their daily lives. Religion has been shown to improve happiness and well-being by creating a strong sense of purpose and community.
However, we don’t need religion to have a meaningful life. There are many other sources of meaning, including art, culture, philosophy, literature, music, relationships, activism, introspection, and creativity.
Where do you get your meaning in life?
Things to do:
Learn the pillars of a meaningful life. One excellent guide on how to live a meaningful life outlines five different pillars to focus on, including 1) A sense of belonging (having healthy relationships with those around you), 2) A sense of purpose (feeling that you contribute to a larger whole), 3) Storytelling (the life story we tell about ourselves, as well as stories and myths about the world we live in), 4) Transcendence (experiencing “awe” and “inspiration” in the presence of great things), 5) Growth (having a sense that you are evolving and moving forward as a person). All five pillars contribute to a rich and meaningful existence.
Spend more time in nature. Nature reminds us that we are part of something larger than ourselves, a whole process known as “life.” Nature is a fantastic source of meaning because it continuously inspires positive emotions like joy, amazement, gratitude, and awe. The best part is that nature is all around us – we don’t need to plan a weekend camping trip to experience it – instead just pay attention to everyday nature that is all around you: trees on the drive to work, birdwatching in your backyard, or spending time in your garden over the summer. Having pets to care for is another easy and wonderful source of nature and connection, even if it’s just a small fish tank to maintain. Nature also includes enjoying the beauty of a nice view such as sunrises, sunsets, mountaintops, storm watching, and star-gazing.
Take a complete picture perspective. Finding meaning requires being able to look at things from a big picture perspective. What influence do your actions have in the long-term? What type of impact will you leave on the world after you die? When you keep the complete picture in mind, you recognize that even super small actions can add up and have big results in the future. Your life doesn’t begin at birth nor end at death, you are part of an intergenerational chain of cause-and-effect that has stretched thousands of years. That’s a powerful thought if you can see the true significance behind it.
Embrace art, music, and culture. Artists are the creators of new meanings, especially famous painters, musicians, filmmakers, photographers, authors, playwrights, and dancers. Pursuing a creative hobby of your own is one fantastic way to infuse new meaning into your life. You can also embrace art and culture more by going to museums, art galleries, music concerts, and theaters. A lot of beautiful art is archived in online art and cultural exhibits, so you can discover a lot of new inspiration by just sitting in the comfort of your own home. Artists of all forms teach us how universal the human condition is. It’s a huge inspirational boost when you realize a book written over a hundred years ago resonates exactly with how you feel today. One of my strongest memories is attending a music concert of my favorite band with thousands of others listening and singing along. Creativity is one of humanity’s greatest gifts and there’s a lot of wisdom, beauty, and feelings of universal connection it can offer us.
Signs, symbols, and synchronicity. A meaningful life can be more about feeling inspiration and empowerment rather than thinking only logically and factually about the world. Embrace things you can’t always explain. If you feel like you’re getting a “sign” from the universe, accept it. Our minds often think unconsciously through the power of symbols, especially through reoccurring dreams or nightmares that may be trying to tell you something important. Meaning can be created anywhere if you have the right perspective. Many of my favorite moments in life are when I experience synchronicity, which is finding a connection between two things that seem completely unrelated at first. For example, if I start reading a book and then someone brings up the same book randomly the next day, I try to see that as a sign that I’m on the right path. It may or may not be true, but it is a simple and easy way to add more meaning to the little things in life.
Have faith that life is good. Faith may not have any role in science, but it does play an important role in good living. At the end of the day, one of the most important beliefs we can have is that “life is good” and things will generally work out in the end. One of my personal favorite quotes is, “Pray to God, but row to shore.” It shows us to have hope and faith in life, but still take action and try our best in the moment. Both faith and action are necessary ingredients to a happy and fulfilling life. A belief in God or a higher power can make this whole process easier. However, even if you can’t bring yourself to accept “metaphysical” or “supernatural” ideas, at least try to sense the oneness and interconnectedness of all things. These ideas are an endless source of power, strength, and resilience, even in the face of incredible hardships and tribulations.
A “meaningful life” can be one of the most difficult areas of life to improve, especially while living in a world that is filled with nihilism, hedonism, and materialism.
However, once you build a strong spiritual core you can withstand almost any difficulty or hardship. It can empower you to a whole new level that non-spiritual people don’t usually have access to.
CONCLUSION
To sum things up we must invest time and energy in all six of these aspects if we want to live a happy and balanced life.
Once again, these six aspects of a balanced life include: 1) Physical, 2) Mental, 3) Emotional, 4) Social, 5) Work/Financial, and 6) Meaningful/Spiritual.
Which area are you the strongest in? Which area are you the weakest in?
Keep this framework in mind as you embark on a lifetime of self-improvement. Try the Daily Routine (PDF) exercise and use this resource as a guideline.
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According to “common factors theory,” the essence of successful therapy lies in shared core elements, and the differences between therapeutic approaches are often less important than fulfilling these fundamental criteria.
One frequent question people ask themselves when they first decide to seek therapy is, “What type of therapy should I get?”
There are many different types of talk therapy to choose from. Often specific types of therapy are geared toward specific mental disorders. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is common for depression and anxiety disorders, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy is common for bipolar and mood disorders, and EMDR is common among those with PTSD.
How much do these therapies differ? How much does it matter?
One interesting idea in psychology is “common factors theory.” The basic premise is that effective therapy isn’t necessarily based on any specific type of therapeutic tool or technique, but rather there are underlying factors behind all therapies that make them successful.
Many therapeutic systems have been invented over the past century. Today, every popular therapist or coach has their own trademarked brand that’s sold as the absolute best approach to mental health.
The less glamorous truth is that most successful therapies aren’t special. There’s significant overlap between different approaches, with a couple extra bells and whistles. However, at the end of the day the biggest reason they are successful is because they all meet fundamental criteria.
Below you’ll learn more about these “common factors” behind successful therapy, including: collaboration, empathy, alliance, positive regard, genuineness, and individual differences.
6 Common Factors Behind All Successful Therapy
One interesting study identified 6 common factors behind all “evidence-based” therapy. They also calculated estimates on how much each factor contributed to the overall variability of therapeutic outcomes.
Here are the 6 common factors behind all successful therapy:
Goal consensus / collaboration (11.5%) – The most important factor is that both the therapist and client share the same goal and they’re willing to work together to achieve it. A goal can be anything from managing negative emotions, to stopping bad habits, to improving communication skills. If their goals mismatch (such as the client not wanting to change or the therapist wanting to go in a different direction), then it’ll be difficult if not impossible to make any progress. Both people need to be on the same page.
Empathy (9%) – The therapist must have a clear understanding of who their patient is and where they are coming from. This means being aware of their current thoughts and feelings, but also learning a comprehensive history of that patient’s past experiences and background. We build empathy by seeking knowledge and understanding about another person. Don’t try to guess, label, or project where someone is coming from. Ask questions and learn. A therapist must treat each person as their own individual case. A scientific study of n=1. Every person has a unique story and a therapist’s job is to learn each person’s story.
Alliance (7.5%) – Both therapist and client must see their relationship as a partnership where each puts in equal effort to realize their shared goal. For the therapist, this means providing advice, encouragement, compliments, and constructive feedback. For the client, this means putting in work outside of the therapy session (in everyday life) so they actually see changes and results. A healthy alliance requires three main components: 1) A shared bond between therapist and client, 2) Agreement about the goals of therapy, and 3) Agreement about the tasks to achieve it (practical advice, tips, suggestions, exercises, homework). Therapy has to be viewed as more than just talking once per week, but rather an impetus to work together, create a plan, and achieve real progress.
Positive regard / affirmation (7.3%) – It’s important that the therapist treats the patient with optimism, positivity, compliments, and encouragement. While a therapist sometimes needs to provide critical and constructive feedback, they should generally promote the patient’s self-esteem and core values. If a therapist tries to fundamentally change something about a person that they don’t want to, there’s naturally going to be conflict and difficulties. One idea known as unconditional positive regard was popularized by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. He highlighted the importance of being agreeable and respectful toward the patient’s core beliefs, values, and goals (even if you disagree with them). Rogers saw therapy as a tool to encourage self-discovery and self-awareness, not tell a patient exactly how they should live their life.
Congruence / genuineness (5.7%) – Both the therapist and patient need to be open, genuine, and authentic. If the patient feels the therapist is just “putting on an act” or “pretending to be nice,” they are going to want to pullback and disengage from the process. A good therapist needs to be just as vulnerable as the patient. This means sharing relevant thoughts and feelings, being honest and matter-of-fact, and being willing to express emotions when appropriate. One telltale sign of incongruence is when there is a mismatch in body language (including posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice). If a therapist’s words don’t match their body language, the patient likely won’t develop any trust or rapport.
Therapist differences (5%) – The last important factor, which may be beyond our control, is personality differences between the therapist and client. Not everyone is designed to get along with everyone, and sometimes the therapist and patient are just too different when it comes to attitude, temperament, background, or lifestyle. Many therapy sessions don’t work out simply because the therapist/patient relationship doesn’t seem to mesh right. This is why it’s recommended that a person tries out multiple therapists when first starting out. Then they can find someone that fits with their personality and a therapist to commit to long-term.
These are the 6 most common factors behind successful therapy. They account for ~50% of the total variability in therapeutic outcomes, so there are still many other factors at play.
In truth, different types of therapies have their advantages and disadvantages, and certain approaches may work better for some and not at all for others.
Regardless of the system, successful therapy often needs to meet the basic requirements listed above. Without these common factors being met, no technique or approach is going to work.
A Warning on Overspecialized Therapy
A therapist needs to be flexible in their approach and try not to force fit everyone into their preferred model.
The more a person is trained and/or educated on a specific field in psychology, the more they seem to be “locked in” to only one way of observing the human condition. They don’t talk to people as human beings at face value, but instead think, “How does this person fit into my cognitive/behavioral/psychodynamic/evolutionary model?”
Expertise (and overspecialization) can narrow vision. A certain element of beginner’s mind is the best approach to therapy. Start with the basic questions, “Who is this person? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What do they want to change?”
Assume nothing and ask questions. Learn about the person from scratch. Connect to them human-to-human and see where it goes.
More concerning, certain therapies have become popularized and over-hyped in recent years. They’ve turned into commercial brands. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy” has become a buzzword in many circles because the average person associates it with the only “evidence-based” therapy.
Of course I’m not against specific therapies. I’ve learned a lot of helpful tools and techniques from various systems (including CBT) that I still practice today.
At the end of the day, I’m a pragmatist, so there’s almost no therapy, treatment, medication, or technique I’m 100% for or against. If it helps just one person, then it’s that much effective.
However, in general, a good therapist needs to have a comprehensive understanding of how humans work. Tools and techniques can be in your back-pocket, but first and foremost you need to approach people as individual human beings seeking growth.
Successful therapy can’t be reduced to a checklist.
The Gloria Tapes: 3 Therapeutic Approaches
This topic reminds me of an old series of videos known as the Gloria Tapes.
It was an educational film made in the 1960s to teach psychology students the differences between therapeutic approaches.
The series follows a single patient, Gloria, who receives therapy from three distinguished psychologists of the time: Carl Rogers, Fritz Perls, and Albert Ellis.
The therapy is limited since it’s only one session each, but you can get a good understanding of the radically different approaches by each therapist.
You can watch each of the sessions here:
Each of these videos reveals a different approach to therapy.
Albert Ellis is most aligned with modern cognitive and rational-based approaches. Carl Rogers has a more gentle and humanistic approach. Fritz Perls has a direct and provocative approach (almost to the point of bullying).
If I remember correctly, the patient Gloria felt the most comfortable with Rogers, but she actually went for a second session with Perls. I don’t know how to interpret that – it’s possible she felt “unfinished business” with Perls or she simply enjoyed arguing with him.
None of this says anything about “successful therapy.” Just one session isn’t adequate to measure “success” vs. “failure” when it comes to a long-term process like self-growth. However, these examples will give you a taste for the different types of therapies out there.
Ultimately, successful therapy depends on both therapist and patient. The most important factor is to have a healthy, working relationship and a “build together” attitude. Once you have that foundation, anything is possible.
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An honest review of 2023, featuring stand-out articles, practical worksheets, and a preview of the near future at The Emotion Machine.
Another year is coming to an end. It’s time for my annual recap and roundup of best articles.
To start, I’ll say this year was a good year for me overall. Not excellent, not bad – but “good.” It was more turbulent than past years and I certainly had low moments, but I adapted quickly and made a couple major habit changes that are going to payoff big in the future.
Despite the chaos, I was remarkably consistent in my output this year. After a decade working on this site, creating new content is almost automatic for me. There’s no reason to assume I’ll be slowing down anytime soon, as new ideas and new projects are constantly coming to mind.
Last year I pledged to make one new worksheet per month, so we already have a nice collection of 12 available going into the new year. These have received a lot of positive feedback so far and I’ll keep making new ones in 2024 (already have a long list of ideas).
I’ll share more on my goals for 2024 soon, but let’s first take a look at the best self-improvement content that was published at The Emotion Machine in 2023…
Best Articles/Worksheets of 2023
Here’s a list of my best articles and worksheets from 2023 by category.
I haven’t yet worked on my goals timeline, an annual tradition I do at the beginning of every year, but I’ll give you a quick peak at my main work goals in the near future:
Worksheets – As mentioned, I will definitely continue making one new worksheet each month. They are easy evergreen content and I’ve received compliments on them. The “Daily Routine” PDF will be coming out mid-January 2024.
Coaching – I’m bringing this back. Took most of the year off to focus on website but I think coaching is one of my better and more rewarding strengths. I already set up a calendar for easy scheduling and updated my coaching page.
Podcasting – I have too many thoughts per day that could be turned into valuable content but never materialize anywhere. “Everyone has great ideas, but not everyone acts on them.” Just pressing the record button and letting my mind riff is easy content that I think people will find interesting. I just need to suck it up and do it. I already have a Soundcloud (with a lot of old content) that I just need to reactivate.
Literary Agent – This is new territory for me. I’ve been working closely with an upcoming author friend and we’ve been making plans on finishing her first manuscript and sending pitches to publishers. She just finished the rough draft last week, but I’m going to be working with her more closely on editing, feedback, and reaching out to publishers once we have things tidied up. I still need to do more research but it could be a good avenue for me. It plays on multiple strengths: 1) Understanding the creative process, 2) Motivating people to actually finish their projects, 3) Finding people who have talent and potential, 4) Rooting for other people’s success. It feels like a natural outgrowth of a lot of my past work with creative people (at music venues, art galleries, and coaching various writers, artists, musicians, and filmmakers).
Articles – This isn’t changing. I’ll still be publishing at least one new or updated article every week. These make up the backbone of the website and I have no shortage of ideas and no reason to stop writing them anytime soon. If you want me to write about a specific topic, just use the contact page and let me know. I have many interests but it’s easier for me to cater to what you guys want. Feedback makes the site better.
All in all I’m excited about 2024, and the ideas above feel like a perfect balance between “sticking with what works” vs. “trying new things.”
Join Me In 2024
If you find this work valuable to your life and want more, join me and support me going into the new year.
My entire archive currently has over 850 articles covering a wide-range of subjects in psychology and self-improvement; and there’s plenty more to come in the future. I’m just getting started.
To be honest with you, some of my earlier articles may not have aged as well as others. When you consistently produce content over 14 years, you inevitably release some less-than-stellar pieces. It’s a part of the process – having both “winning streaks” and “losing streaks” is a universal theme in life.
Over the years, my beliefs, values, and interests have also shifted since I first started this site. There are things I wrote in the past that I don’t wholly agree with today. However, I choose to keep these old posts accessible because people often need different advice at various stages of their lives.
I bet that’s not the hottest sales pitch you’ve ever heard. At heart, I consider myself a teacher more than a salesman, and that means being sincere, honest, and truthful before everything else. If you’re looking for “one trick” to magically fix your life, you’re in the wrong place. I don’t have those – never found them.
All I can do is offer an array of tools, advice, and guidelines. You ultimately have to figure out what applies (or doesn’t) to your life. In truth, 80% of the content on this site may not interest you at all, but there’s that 20% that could be just what you need at this exact moment in your life.
What I can promise you is that I’m one of the most dedicated writers on self-improvement currently going. I’ve seen thousands of other “self help” sites rise and fall over the years, but I keep chugging away no matter what.
If you want to align with my commitment to happiness and well-being, then your first step is to join me.
Better yet, get a Yearly subscription, for two simple reasons: 1) You’re committing yourself to a year of self-improvement, and 2) It’s cheaper. I’m honestly saying this from a self-improvement perspective and not a sales one.
Let’s Go…
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Everyone overreacts at times. You get caught up in an immediate, instinctual emotional response, and do or say things which we later regret. Every person is different, but if your freak outs are frequent, it might be time to do something about it. While it’s always a good idea to talk to an expert, there’s no need to feel crazy or unhealthy. Feeling and honoring your emotions is a good thing, just as long as you’re not impaired by them and you’re not hurting other people.
What matters most in freak outs and overreactions is understanding the catalyst; it’s perfectly reasonable to freak out if you unexpectedly get fired from your job and don’t have enough money to pay rent. Now, screaming and crying because of a jammed door? That’s overreacting.
Here are five things you can do to avoid overreactions and manage your emotions during stressful times.
Understand what bugs you
We all have triggers, even if we don’t know what they are. Try to think about what bugs you, and moments when people have really annoyed you. Keep these mind, write them down, and try to think about your feelings in the particular moment. Were you hungry, sleepy or had had a stressful day? All of this contributes to overreactions. The next time one of your trigger pops up, you might still feel peeved, but you’ll be better equipped to deal with it in a healthier way.
Implement a 10 second rule
If you can, try to step away from the situation and take a breather. Count to 10 and think before you act. “By allowing yourself some time to reassess before reacting, you will increase the ability to prevent yourself from overreacting and doing something you’ll regret,” psychologist L.A. Barlow tells Bustle.
Before you do anything which might make you feel stressed out or emotional, take a deep breath and be mindful of your situation. Once you’re actually facing something stressful and triggering, take another deep breath. This will slow you down and oxygenate your brain, giving you a few seconds to think of something more thoughtful and positive than to walk away or start screaming.
Rationalize
Try to separate yourself from the issue and look at things through a more objective lens. “Find a way to be compassionate and avoid personalizing what happened to you,” explains Psychology Today.
Watching for the sweet, relaxing brain tingles. | Photo by skyNext/Shutterstock.com
Talk it out
A lot of the times we overreact because we’ve been bottling up feelings for a long time, using the first chance we get to open the flood gates and take down everything in our paths. To prevent this try to address issues the minute they bother you, talking about them to a loved one who can provide some perspective or feedback. If you prefer a more private route, you can also write down your feelings in a journal or a piece of paper.
In counseling — and in life, in general! — we talk a lot about emotions. But have you ever considered why you engage with and process your emotions (or don’t) the way you do?
Lately, in my practice, I have become increasingly aware of how important it is to understand our partner’s view of emotions. When one partner in the couple is conflict avoidant or doesn’t like difficult emotions and the other partner is perfectly fine discussing difficult things and processing complex emotions, we have a meta-emotion mismatch.
However, getting a better grasp on our meta-emotions (and those of our partner) is a kind of secret sauce that you might not have heard much about.
When we are able to understand the story behind how we feel about different emotions, we can better understand our partner and how to communicate with them when difficult issues arise. (In fact, there’s often a dream hidden beneath conflict and resentment, if you’re brave enough to dig into the underlying story.)
I met recently with a couple that was facing a meta-emotion mismatch. We took a few sessions to deeply understand the story of each person’s childhood and how different emotions were either accepted or unaccepted. You might find it helpful to do the same with your partner.
For instance, consider the emotion of sadness. Did your parents readily allow you to experience sadness, holding you until you no longer felt as badly? Or did they tell you something like, “stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about” instead?
Do you know the story beneath your relationship with emotions?
Often, the stories at the root of our relationship with our emotions are hidden deep in our past. They might be buried so far down that we haven’t been able to tell our beloved the real reason behind why different emotions are difficult for us.
If you and your partner are ready to mine those challenging areas, questions like these can be a helpful starting point:
What was it like to be sad when you were young?
Who did you go to when you were sad or upset? What was their reaction to your sadness?
Did you see your dad sad? Your mom? How about your siblings?
What is it like when you are sad now?
Can you tell when I’m sad?
What do you need when you are sad? What do you not need?
These kinds of questions can lead to a much deeper understanding of your partner and how to meet them where they are especially when they’re moving through a difficult experience or managing complex emotions.
Approach this work with your partner with gentleness and kindness. Reserve judgment. Validate their experience. You might be surprised at how much you discover about one another!
