ReportWire

Tag: emotional safety

  • What Your Dog Wishes You Knew | Animal Wellness Magazine

    When you truly understand your dog, the barks, wags, and nuzzles becomes a bridge to their inner worlds. Dogs communicate feelings through subtle signals—licking, turning away, or soft eye expressions. Interacting with them with empathy, not judgment, strengthens trust and makes them feel safe. That safety is the foundation for happiness and well-being.

    Read Their Language to Strengthen Your Bond

    Dogs don’t misbehave out of stubbornness—they express discomfort or ask for space. Growling signals fear or unease, not defiance. Recognize and respect their “no pet zones” and subtle signs like whale eyes or yawning. Let your dog decide when to receive affection; pause petting and see if they seek more. Understanding these cues builds trust and deepens your connection.

    Transform Vet Visits Into Positive Experiences

    Vet visits often trigger fear. Turn this around by visiting clinics for treats and calm exploration, without procedures, before health checks. Creating pleasant memories reduces anxiety and prevents future stress. When dogs feel safe at the vet, they cooperate better, allowing for smoother health care and stronger bonds.

    Honor Their Nature With Holistic Care

    Encourage natural behaviors like sniffing and exploring—these stimulate their minds and reduce stress. Adapt exercise and nutrition to their breed and personality, supporting vitality and immune health. Use gentle therapies—massage, acupuncture, herbs—to enhance comfort and wellbeing. Holistic care nurtures body, mind, and spirit, preventing illness before it starts.

    Create a Daily Ritual of Connection and Joy

    Daily play and calm shared moments release oxytocin, the love hormone. Positive reinforcement training, gentle eye contact, and honoring their personality meet your dog’s emotional needs. When you respect who your dog truly is, their happiness and health naturally grow.

    Understanding your dog creates a lifetime of trust, joy, and vibrant health rooted in respect and love. Make an effort to go a step further in creating a beautiful life for your dog. A life where your furry companion feels understood. 

    Animal Wellness

    Source link

  • Netflix’s Adolescence: What Parents Need to Know About Toxic Masculinity, Incel Culture, and Raising Boys in a Digital World

    “I know — not a popular opinion.

    And yes, your kid is not going to love this. You might get pushback, eye rolls, maybe even tears.

    Do it anyway — and let them make you the bad guy. That’s your job.

    In Adolescence, Jamie had full access to his laptop, alone in his room, all night — and that’s where things spiraled. He got pulled into toxic online spaces his parents didn’t even know existed.

    Set a clear tech boundary: no phones, laptops, or tablets in bedrooms after a set time.

    Devices charge overnight in a shared space.

    This isn’t about punishment — it’s about safety, sleep, and mental health.

    They might hate it. But that boundary could protect them from a world they’re not ready to navigate alone.”

    Wondering when your child is ready for a phone? These four key questions to guide you.

    Amy McCready

    Source link

  • Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

    Happy 2024, I Have a Few Things for You | Love And Life Toolbox

    2023 was quite a year.  To say there have been some challenges is an understatement but my hope for you is that you are finding some inspiration and optimism for the New Year.  There were highs, lows and transitions for many.  LoveAndlLifeToolbox.com was about experimentation and change in 2023.  The site has gone through a number of shifts in the over 10 years of its existence.  I continue to be a working therapist in private practice in Marin County, California while maintaining this site.

    I am very proud that LoveAndLifeToolbox.com remains a trusted emotional health and relationship resource with a global audience, offering education in many related areas including happiness, family of origin issues, unhealthy relationship patterns, emotional safety and self-help tools to supplement your growth.

    In celebration of the upcoming New Year, enjoy my 3 offerings:

    Top 3 Relationship Articles of 2023

    Unhealthy Relationships? Break Your Relationship Pattern

    People who continually get in bad relationships can benefit from understanding their role and how it’s linked to prior their prior experiences.  Then, change can occur.

    Rock Solid Marriage

    An assortment of views from several relationship experts on how to have the most stable, secure and loving relationship.

    Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety

    A look at one of the most critical aspects of well functioning intimate relationship and a mini assessement.

    Top 3 Emotional Health Articles of 2023

    What is Family of Origin Work?

    The role of family of origin issues and functioning, individually and in your relationships.

    Addressing the Problem of Feeling Unlovable

    Help to understand why people feel badly about themselves, rooted in core belief systems developed a long time ago.

    I’m a Therapist. Here’s What Happened on the Day I Met With Both an Arab and a Jew (Dr. Carl R. Nassar, Ph.D., LPC, CIIPTS)

    Guest post by a therapist, reflecting on a unique day for him seeing his clients.

    50% off all of my digital products through January 2024

    An opportunity to improve your emotional health and/or relationships at a deep discount.  I created my “Therapy-At-Home Workbooks” brand to help you “think like a therapist” as you address your areas for desired growth.  Perfect for those on a self-help path interested in education from a licensed and practicing therapist.  Enter the code G4FERDYU at checkout.

    Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

    The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples

    The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples

    Family of Origin: Untangle Your Unhealthy Roots

    Looking ahead…

    > May 2024 bring you inner peace, joy and quality connections with the people you care about.

    > Put intention into your relationships.  Treat friends, family and lovers as you would like to be treated.

    > Put intention into your personal happiness.  Do therapy work if needed to remove any obstacles that hold you back.

    > Practice self-care to be able to have the bandwidth to do all of the above.

    Warmly,

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    LoveAndLifeToolbox.com

    MarinTherapyAndCounseling.com

     

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Five Steps to Create Positive Change in Your Relationship

    Five Steps to Create Positive Change in Your Relationship

    Marriage and/or long-term intimate relationships have the potential to be incredibly rewarding and people generally do the best they can with what they know.  Couples can generally do well over time but many hit emotional speed bumps.  No matter when or how a relationship feels strain, ideally there is some reflection and curiosity by one or both partners around the sources of distress.  And a desire to do something about it.

    For those who want to take accountability and be proactive in their relationships, having vision into their role is helpful.  Mistakes are often made that impact the emotional safety of the dynamic.  The key is to be able to successfully heal any inadvertent wounds that may have occurred.  It’s also important to be able to understand where some of your patterns and behaviors come from, possibly stemming from your family of origin.

    Just like many learn relationship habits from years ago (possibly reinforced in later adult relationships), new habits and practices can be learned.  Learning improved ways to behave together as a couple can help you have a better relationship than you’d even imagined.  You can start right now taking your steps to achieve that.

    5 Steps to Create Positive Change in Your Relationship

    1. Learn to communicate effectively.  Be sure you’re clear on the basics of good communication.  If you are not, educate yourself.  Work on approaching your partner with kindness, sensitivity and openness.  Learn to listen well.  Disagreements and conflict happen in relationships but the key is to be able to move through those situations as effectively as possible, ideally without doing damage to each other with harsh words or criticism and with no resolution.  If a conversation gets too heated, it’s ok to take a break to take the temperature down in your nervous systems (when it becomes hard to pull back).  Sometimes compromise or agreeing to disagree is how things land.  This is better than emotional wounds inflicted on each other that never get repaired, which can become a build up of resentment.  Left unchecked, resentment leads to further damage that can be increasingly difficult to repair.  Do your best to validate and empathize with your partner’s experience.  This will create less reasons for defensiveness and hostility.  We all want to feel heard and understood.
    2. Fully own it.  Owning it means taking responsibility for any intentional and unintentional harmful actions and the emotional impact on your partner.  Sometimes people almost get there but then negate much of it by following up with explanations for why they behaved in a certain way.  It’s ok to flesh out the situation a little further but you can’t skip over the validation and empathy part.  They won’t be able to hear you at that point.  If you’ve owned your role and validated their experience, be sure to follow up with a heartfelt apology.   It can feel vulnerable to open yourself up in this way but it’s an important part of this process.
    3. Understand it.  Take an honest look at yourself and the behaviors in your relationship that have been problematic.  Why have they happened?  People tend to operate in learned ways and often times when we “act out,” they have been hurt, possibly in a way that feels familiar and stems way back.  Maybe you grew up in an environment where you simply weren’t modeled healthy communication.  Working through your own family of origin issues can help you not only feel better about yourself but show up in a healthier way in your relationships.  The more clarity around who you are, your influences, trauma and the psychological defenses you’ve used to protect yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to create lasting change.  
    4. Give yourself a break.  As you work to make a positive impact on your relationship, you will make mistakes.  Be sure to practice self-compassion.  Humans are inherently flawed and you are no exception.  If your intentions, effort and open communication with your partner are there, you’re on the path.  If you make a mistake and revert to old behavior, notice it aloud (to yourself and partner), apologize and stay the course.
    5. Seek help if you need it.  Making changes in your relationship can be tough.  Ideally, your partner is onboard with you to address your issues as a couple.  But if not, you can still have some influence by putting energy into the above steps.  But if you get hung up on some of the challenges of your own past, a therapist can help you address that individually or work with you and your partner together if it seems your efforts on their own aren’t enough.  If therapy doesn’t resonate with you for whatever reason, I have a few tools that might also help.
      1. The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples  is my therapist guided alternative to marriage counseling with guidance by me.
      2. Family of Origin: Untangle Your Unhealthy Roots is my therapist guided exploration into how and why you function the way you do.  And how to make changes as needed.
      3. I offer email Relationship Consultations for those seeking guidance around a specific question.
      4. See my book recommendations on the right side bar of this page by highly respected helping professionals, for a deeper dive into the above topics.

    It can feel daunting when your relationship is struggling.  Couples can go in circles through the same issues without seeming to get anywhere.  Sometimes it takes new ways to interrupt the negative cycles with coming back to the basics of healthy relationships, emotional safety and the ways people feel connected (vs disconnected).  Do the work yourself or better yet, try to get your partner on board to invest the time and energy it takes to get back on track.  Those who successfully navigate through their challenges have the potential to not only have a revitalized relationship but renewed hope for their future together.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Is Your Relationship in Red Alert? | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Is Your Relationship in Red Alert? | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    The most dangerous relationship threats aren’t always the most visible; like a pattern of high conflict, lack of kindness or disrespect.  Those are clearly problematic signs that need attention but the behaviors that are sometimes the least detectable can create a significant vulnerability in the relationship where emotional safety levels have taken a serious hit.

    A relationship is in red alert if one or both are in emotional distress over a long period of time and are not communicating about it.  I’ve seen this repeatedly in my couples therapy practice and anecdotally in life.  They are often not talking about it because one or both of them are conflict avoidant or have learned that it’s not safe to talk about their feelings.  Maybe this was learned many years ago in their family of origin or during the course of the relationship itself. They might have tried to express their feelings to their partner repeatedly and felt their attempts were ignored.

    So they stop trying.

    For some people, minimizing their experience and sweeping uncomfortable feelings under the rug has been a coping mechanism.  For them, this pattern shows up in other places as well like friendships and in the work environment.  If you peel back the layers, you will often find this pattern was developed a long time ago in a family system where they learned that expressing emotion or sharing uncomfortable feelings would not be responded to well, or perhaps not at all.

    The biggest problem with one or both in the relationship having shut down emotionally in this way is that the more time that passes, the more risk there is to the relationship.  The challenge is that sometimes a couple like this presents to the outside world as well functioning and happy.  When alone, they may even pretend that all is ok.  But the distress are there, fraying the relationship from the inside out.

    This can look like:

    • moodiness
    • impatience
    • lack of physical intimacy of any kind
    • seeking out more outside activities outside of the relationship
    • little or no signs of intimate connection (hugs, cuddling, sex, playfulness, etc)
    • depression

    A relationship in this state is in red alert because of the risk of one or both of them reaching hopelessness.  If this happens, one or both essentially have internally given up on the relationship being able to provide what they need.  But they are no longer talking to their partner aloud about their needs but are experiencing the emotional impact.

    The PsychCentral article, What It Is and Why It’s Important, describes the critical importance of “emotional safety” well:

    When you don’t feel emotionally safe, you feel emotionally threatened, which causes the same bodily reactions as feeling physically threatened. You “freeze.” You hold your breath and tense your body. Alternatively, you may go into attack mode. Or you may shut down. Brain studies have shown that social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as getting physically injured. To your brain, physical and emotional pain are practically the same thing. And if you can’t get back fairly quickly to feeling safe and accepted, you’re essentially living in a state similar to constant physical threat.

    This is where things get really dangerous in that loneliness can lead to seeking needs being met outside of the relationship.  Affairs are often triggered by this intense unspoken need and longing.  Or in some cases they may slip into a state of ambivalent acceptance of their fate for the time being, especially in the case of there being children being raised.

    In my therapy practice, I’ve seen couples where one has literally already silently grieved the end of a relationship months before they end up in couples therapy with me.  And the other person feels blindsided when they hear that the other is essentially done.  If only they had been able to communicate more effectively and responded better to each other’s distress, perhaps this could have been avoided.  They can start to try at that time but getting to the point of hopelessness is tricky to contend with.  Ideally a couples seeks help before one of them has landed there.

    If you’re in a relationship that’s in “red alert,” having awareness of this is the first step towards course correcting.  All it takes is one of you to hold your hand up and say, “I think we’re in trouble.  Let’s see if we can do something about this.”  With therapy you can learn to show up for each other in a more open and supportive way.  If it’s legitimately too late to salvage the relationship, at least you can both know that you tried.

    It’s also important to remember that most of us function in relationships in a way we’re not even aware of.  We all have imprints, models and learning experiences about what relationships are supposed to be that informs us.  Prior wounds from earlier relationships can be healed through later relationships.  All it takes is a spark of insight, a “aha” moment to realize that there are ways you can show up for each other in a healthier and more loving way.

    When I work with couples in a state of severe disconnection like this, I’m always searching for an ember of hope.  Can this ember be tended to and become a small flame?  This is ultimately up to the couple as it can be scary to try.  But potentially incredibly rewarding.

    —

    Learn about my California Online Therapy practice or if outside of the state, I can offer can an email relationship consulatation.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons.  No matter what issues they present to therapy with, it often can be boiled down to a problem with the emotional safety in their relationship.  The most hostile, distant or disengaged couples are not the only ones who can be challenged with a lack of emotional safety.  Those who minimize their feelings or are conflict avoidant can often ultimately be the most at risk.  Often the presenting problems that couples go to therapy for, are actually symptoms of a lack of emotional safety in their relationship.

    “Emotional safety” encompass important elements.  It exists when both partners feel:

    • respected 
    • they can trust each other
    • prioritized
    • heard
    • understood
    • validated
    • empathized with
    • loved

    If you’ve been struggling to communicate, are easily brought to conflict, have disconnected and are sweeping feelings under the rug, it’s important to do a deeper level check on the status of your relationship.  These are all often signs of distress. 

    Do a quick mini-assessment on your own relationship by asking yourself how you feel, on a scale of 1-10, in each of the following areas.

    Respect: How respected do you feel by each other? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism, judgment or neglect.  Perhaps your partner makes important decisions without you.

    Trust:  Are you clear your partner will not betray you?  Betrayal can include physical and emotional trust violations.  It can also feel like they don’t truly have your back in other ways.  Questions around whether you can trust your partner can lead to insecurity about the relationship and impact your self esteem.

    Prioritized: How much do you each feel prioritized by each other?  People who don’t feel prioritized can start to wonder if they matter to the other.  Perhaps your partner spends a lot of time with others or doesn’t take your requests or needs seriously.

    Feeling Heard: How much do you feel heard by each other? Those who don’t feel heard can feel ignored or minimized.  It can feel like your partner doesn’t care what you think you feel, which can be painful and over time build resentment.

    Understood: How much do you feel understood by each other? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not taking the time to truly know them.  You might feel like your partner doesn’t care to understand.  The end result of this can be loneliness in the relationship.

    Validation: How much do you feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t experience their partner acknowledging their emotions.  Even if you don’t understand why your partner feels a certain way, it’s important to validate their experience.

    Empathy: How much do you feel empathy from each other? A relationship that lacks empathy is particularly challenging as it’s experienced as an even lower level of care or concern for each other’s feelings.  Your partner may be clear something is painful for you yet behave as if they don’t care.  Experiencing a lack of empathy by someone who is supposed to be there for you is a deeply painful experience.

    Love: How much do you feel loved by each other? Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other can reach a state of hopelessness.  Believing your partner doesn’t love you can be the assumption that is made from deficiencies in all of the above.

    A lot of lower numbers in this exercise indicates some deficiencies in your emotional safety.  It’s also important to reflect upon how you’re showing up in the relationship.

    The piece 7 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship in PsychCentral.com sums it up well:

    Emotional safety also goes both ways. When you feel emotionally safe and reveal your true self, it opens the door for your partner to do the same. And when both people in a relationship feel secure, it provides a safe environment where a deeper and more loving connection can form.

    If you’re concerned that the level of emotional safety in your relationship is in trouble, try talking to your partner about this.  If he/she is willing, have them look at this mini-assessment themselves.  Explain that this is a significant issue that if left unchecked can literally lead to the end of your relationship.  If needed, consider couples counseling to help navigate through as it can be tricky. You might benefit from a deeper exploration into your dynamic, why it exists and learning tools to make changes.  Family of origin work can be an important piece of this.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • 10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    People seeking couples counseling seek change to a relationship dynamic that isn’t working in some way.   The problems can include poor communication, lack of emotional safety, resentment, trust violations and many other issues.  It might even be that the couple have different ideas of what the problems are or simply a felt sense that things are not right. Couples who demonstrate the makings or potential of a strong relationship foundation are in a better position to work through challenging situations as they arise.

    There are many attributes of healthy and connected relationships but here are some of them:

    10 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship

    1. Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”
    2. Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflict when it arises.  Be cautious of appropriate use of humor.  If things have gotten too tense, it might not be appropriate in that moment.
    3. Communication: Those who are able to openly express their feelings and avoid burying hurt or anger, often deal with situations as they come up more effectively.  This avoids the build-up of resentment.
    4. Chore Sharing: Couples who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities collaboratively are less likely to harbor bad feelings about what they perceive as “unfair.” When both are participating in the relationship and related duties, it lends itself to a team atmosphere.
    5. Sexual Intimacy: Couples who feel sexually and physically connected, tend to feel more cared for.  But keep in mind there are varying levels of needs and meanings to sexual intimacy.  Talk to each other about it.
    6. Affection: A hug, kiss, tussle of the hair and other brief displays of affection remind each other that they matter.  This is especially important with hectic lives with work and family obligations.  Brief displays of affection can remind each other that you’re still there and love each other.
    7. Avoidance of the “Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: This is a term coined by couples researcher, John Gottman,PhD, who is able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  Work hard to avoid these behaviors to minimize damaging the relationship.
    8. Mutual and Separate Friends/Hobbies: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships demonstrate balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals and the relationship.  Self satisfaction and fulfillment adds to relationship satisfaction.  It’s important to feels secure being who you are within the dynamic as well as be clear on how each partner views a satisfactory balance.
    9. Reliability: Partners in a relationship want to feel they can rely upon each other. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of safety in knowing their words and actions mean something.  They can both breathe a sigh of relief to know the other has their back.
    10. Repair Attempts:  When couples take responsibility for their mistakes with each other, take responsibility and offer a repair attempt, there is another important way to avoid resentment to grow.  This requires an ability to be humble.

    A bonus add-on here are good boundaries.  The article, The 14 Most Important Characteristics of Healthy Relationships, on MindBodyGreen.com, does a good job explaining this:

    It’s important not to forget that you’re two separate people with separate needs, including some needs that you may not share. You will not agree on everything, and sometimes you may not want the same things. It’s important to respect these differences and not push each other’s boundaries, including emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, and any other types of boundaries. Boundaries are a necessary characteristic of a healthy relationship.

    Boundary problems and the others listed above can be challenge and sometimes exploration into both partner’s family of origin is needed to fully understand the roots of the issue.

    Relationships require nurturing and yes, sometimes work, to stay healthy and secure.  If you’re having trouble making the needed changes on your own, seek a relationship therapist to help you out.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    If you’re married, you’ve probably figured out that marriage isn’t always easy.  And it’s not supposed to be.  Like anything, time comes with changes; shifts within the individual, relationship movement and external life events.  As the honeymoon phase of a relationship gets further away in the rear view mirror, it’s important for the long term stabilizing factors like respect, friendship, commitment and common goals to kick in.  When work, family and other obligations stress the system, it’s crucial to remember to prioritize the relationship itself in the form of date nights, quality time spent together, intimacy and physical connection (even small but consistent micro-doses can be like glue that keeps the marriage connected).

    For me, the most critical aspect of having a rock solid marriage (or long term relationship), is emotional safety within the relationship.  Both must feel they can fully emotionally rely on each other and have a collaborative spirit in how they approach things.  There is also a felt sense of authenticity between them.  In my couples therapy practice, this is one of the first things I’m looking for, to assess whether they are still on the same team or have been compromised by a lack of emotional safety.  A marriage is in trouble if it has become adversarial and emotional safety must be re-established.  If too much time has passed in the emotionally unsafe zone, it can be really challenging for the couple to trust each other or be open at all to change.

    Aside from emotional safety, some very wise people who have studied healthy marriages and also work in the field have a lot to offer around critical things to consider when it comes to having a rock solid marriage.

    According to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” there are a slew of psychological “tasks” a good marriage are tasked to complete.  Here are some of them:

    • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
    • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
    • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
    • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
    • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.

    Stan Tatkin, PsyD and founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), says it’s also important for each person to identify their attachment styles to build a stronger relationship.  This is particularly important for those who have a history of not being able to depend on important people in their lives as the adult intimate relationship can bring up the fears and coping strategies adopted around those earlier situations.  Learning how these patterns interact with each other, without judgment of either, leads to greater understanding of how to grow and heal within the relationship.

    Other helpful tips from Dr. Tatkin include:

    • Be a detective and share what works and doesn’t work for your partner.
    • Make agreements to repair when the other is triggered to relieve distress.
    • Establish a “couple bubble” which is like a container for your marriage.

    John Gottman, PhD, is also another researcher and advocate of healthy relationships.  His work studying couples in a lab setting and slew of published books has contributed much to what we know about satisfying and successful relationships.  A few of Dr. Gottman’s most notable nuggets are his “7 principles” of successful married couples:

    • They manage conflict.
    • They accept each other’s influence.
    • They express fondness and admiration for each other.
    • They stay aware of each other’s worlds.
    • They turns towards each other (vs away).
    • They solve problems that are solvable.
    • They create shared meaning.

    If you’d like a rock solid marriage, the above concepts, including emotional safety, creating a couple bubble and principles of the most successful couples can point you in the right track.

    If you have a specific relationship question, I offer Relationship Consultations via e-mail.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Two Ways to Boost the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Two Ways to Boost the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Emotional safety is one of the most important elements of any happy and healthy relationship.  Yet there are so many ways it can be compromised.  Sometimes it happens inadvertently and other times it’s a more direct assault on the foundation of the relationship.

    When a couple has a high level of emotional safety they usually have a number of things going for them simultaneously; they feel heard, understood, feel prioritized and trust each other.  They ultimately feel deeply loved, secure in the sense that they are there for each other through the twist and turns of life.  And they ideally feel relaxed in a way that they can live with authenticity together rather be someone other than who they are.

    The more challenged couples with a lack of emotional safety demonstrate their distress in many ways that ultimately can lead to a slowly eroding relationship foundation and disconnection.  The longer the issues go unaddressed, the more difficult it can be to create the needed safety to reconnect, chronic tension and resentment having built up.

    The reasons why people are challenged establishing emotional safety together are many and unique to their experiences.  It’s a complex topic that requires a willingness to look in the mirror a bit.  And it becomes more complicated when you factor in different levels of awareness people have and their general interest in making changes in themselves.  But if you are in a relationship where you both are invested in improving the emotional safety, you can.

    Two ways to improve the emotional safety in your relationship:

    1 -> Talk to each other.

    Without communication, there is no starting point to figuring out where the relationship is going awry.  As obvious as this may sound, many couples don’t talk.  There are a lot of reasons for this including conflict avoidant tendencies (sweeping things under the rug to avoid a fight or difficult conversations), fear of trying to talk with a history of communication not going well and ending in conflict with no solution, one or both in the relationship has gone even further down the line and essentially given up on talking.  This is more of a position of hopelessness as in, “There’s no point.”

    While all relationships are different and each one has its own ups and downs, being able to talk to your partner means that you’ll be able to share your worries, show support for one another, and work together to handle conflict more effectively.

    from How to Improve the Communication in Your Relationships via VeryWellMind.com

    As important as the ability to talk to your partner is as it relates to emotional safety, it is not a stand alone.  There are different aspects of communication that requires the collaboration of both parties.

    2 -> Listen well.

    Often easier said than done, listening well is just as important as being able to talk to your partner.  One of the fundamental aspects of  emotionally safety in intimate relationships is feeling heard.  One step beyond that is feeling understood.  Both of these are not possible if you’re not listening well in the first place.

    Listening sometimes requires a deep breath and pause while your partner speaks.  This helps to slow down what can be an intense need to get your opinion or viewpoint across.  This is especially true when the conversation has escalated and one or both are emotionally activated.

    ~~

    An ability or willingness to talk and listen are two critical aspects of the groundwork needed to build the emotional safety in your relationship.  If you are willing to engage and try to express your thoughts and especially hurt feelings, you’re on your way.

    But things can get complicated if there are valid reasons why there is pain around talking at all.  Unresolved family of origin issues for one or both partners that neither know how to address, or might not even have awareness around.  Affairs or other betrayals can make communication very difficult as well.  But sometimes it’s simply a matter of identifying problematic behaviors within the relationship and making some changes like more kindness, respect, openness and overall reliability.

    A lack of emotional safety is dangerous, creating vulnerabilities for the couple that can spread like a relationship cancer.  Whether it was lacking from the start or you lost it along the way, the good news is it can be newly created or found again, with willingness and effort by both partners.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Two Ways to Boost the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Two Ways to Boost the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Emotional safety is one of the most important elements of any happy and healthy relationship.  Yet there are so many ways it can be compromised.  Sometimes it happens inadvertently and other times it’s a more direct assault on the foundation of the relationship.

    When a couple has a high level of emotional safety they usually have a number of things going for them simultaneously; they feel heard, understood, feel prioritized and trust each other.  They ultimately feel deeply loved, secure in the sense that they are there for each other through the twist and turns of life.  And they ideally feel relaxed in a way that they can live with authenticity together rather be someone other than who they are.

    The more challenged couples with a lack of emotional safety demonstrate their distress in many ways that ultimately can lead to a slowly eroding relationship foundation and disconnection.  The longer the issues go unaddressed, the more difficult it can be to create the needed safety to reconnect, chronic tension and resentment having built up.

    The reasons why people are challenged establishing emotional safety together are many and unique to their experiences.  It’s a complex topic that requires a willingness to look in the mirror a bit.  And it becomes more complicated when you factor in different levels of awareness people have and their general interest in making changes in themselves.  But if you are in a relationship where you both are invested in improving the emotional safety, you can.

    Two ways to improve the emotional safety in your relationship:

    1 -> Talk to each other.

    Without communication, there is no starting point to figuring out where the relationship is going awry.  As obvious as this may sound, many couples don’t talk.  There are a lot of reasons for this including conflict avoidant tendencies (sweeping things under the rug to avoid a fight or difficult conversations), fear of trying to talk with a history of communication not going well and ending in conflict with no solution, one or both in the relationship has gone even further down the line and essentially given up on talking.  This is more of a position of hopelessness as in, “There’s no point.”

    While all relationships are different and each one has its own ups and downs, being able to talk to your partner means that you’ll be able to share your worries, show support for one another, and work together to handle conflict more effectively.

    from How to Improve the Communication in Your Relationships via VeryWellMind.com

    As important as the ability to talk to your partner is as it relates to emotional safety, it is not a stand alone.  There are different aspects of communication that requires the collaboration of both parties.

    2 -> Listen well.

    Often easier said than done, listening well is just as important as being able to talk to your partner.  One of the fundamental aspects of  emotionally safety in intimate relationships is feeling heard.  One step beyond that is feeling understood.  Both of these are not possible if you’re not listening well in the first place.

    Listening sometimes requires a deep breath and pause while your partner speaks.  This helps to slow down what can be an intense need to get your opinion or viewpoint across.  This is especially true when the conversation has escalated and one or both are emotionally activated.

    ~~

    An ability or willingness to talk and listen are two critical aspects of the groundwork needed to build the emotional safety in your relationship.  If you are willing to engage and try to express your thoughts and especially hurt feelings, you’re on your way.

    But things can get complicated if there are valid reasons why there is pain around talking at all.  Unresolved family of origin issues for one or both partners that neither know how to address, or might not even have awareness around.  Affairs or other betrayals can make communication very difficult as well.  But sometimes it’s simply a matter of identifying problematic behaviors within the relationship and making some changes like more kindness, respect, openness and overall reliability.

    A lack of emotional safety is dangerous, creating vulnerabilities for the couple that can spread like a relationship cancer.  Whether it was lacking from the start or you lost it along the way, the good news is it can be newly created or found again, with willingness and effort by both partners.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • The Most Important Aspect of Affair Recovery | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    The Most Important Aspect of Affair Recovery | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    The emotional backlash of an affair on the partner who was cheated on can be earth shattering.  Whether there was suspicion of this happening leading up to the discovery or not, it all leads to a spectrum of emotions including shock, anger, grief and loss.  It can feel like the relationship has been dumped upside down with the contents shaken all over the ground.  But if both partners are open to the work of affair recovery, it’s possible and in many cases the relationship can come out the other side stronger than before.

    The work to heal a relationship after this type of betrayal is unique to each situation and dependent on how each person shows up to it.  Is there remorse from the person who cheated?  A sincere interest in healing the wounds caused by their behavior?  A willingness to end the other relationship, if it has been ongoing?  Are they willing to do anything to save their primary relationship?  Just as important is the response of the partner who was impacted.  What do they need to be able to move on?  Can they eventually forgive the partner who chose to be unfaithful?

    The most important aspect of affair recovery for the betrayed partner is re-establishing emotional safety in the relationship.

    When there is emotional safety present between a couple there is trust and a sense of knowing that they prioritize, respect, understand and love each other.  There is ease and an intuitive knowing that they can be themselves.  This is where real authenticity in relationships lives.

    When there is a breach of trust either physically or emotionally in a committed relationship, emotional safety is severely compromised.  The betrayed partner may feel like they are spinning in a vortex, untethered with the realization that what they thought they could rely upon or was theirs only was not.  The dishonesty and often sneaky behavior involved with cheating partners further impacts the sacred space of emotional safety.

    When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life.”

    – Rachel Moheban-Wachtel, LCSW in article, Affair Recovery: 5 Steps to Repairing Your Relationship

    When an affair has occurred and the couple would like to try heal and move forward, primary goal is to shore up the aspects of emotional safety that have been compromised, most importantly involving trust.  But questions about whether their cheating partner loves them anymore also understandably comes up.

    • Is the partner who cheated willing to stop the other relationship (if applicable)?
    • Is there a willingness to respond to the needs of the harmed partner to help the healing process?
    • Can patience in the process be maintained in order to work through the relationship harm?
    • Can the betrayed partner find a way to stay and maintain their own self respect?
    • Can the betrayed partner take the “leap of faith” required to rebuilt trust?

    When the foundation of emotional safety has been compromised this needs to be acknowledged and addressed.  If a couple stands any chance or pushing through this work, they must re-establish this type of safety.  It is the glue that keeps intimate relationships together in a truly meaningful way.  It’s not easy but can be incredibly rewarding, especially if the couple also manages to successfully navigate any of the issues leading to the affair.  Though this type of exploration has a time and a place (not recommended until after there is a show of good faith, desire to repair and signs of progress).

    Dr Richard Nicastro, PhD looks at the challenge of maintaining trust and hope in the post-affair recovery process in the piece, The Emotional Crisis of an Affair and How to Heal.  It looks at these two roadblocks as they can come up for both partners doing affair recovery therapy work.

    1

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • The Most Important Aspect of Affair Recovery | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    The Most Important Aspect of Affair Recovery | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    The emotional backlash of an affair on the partner who was cheated on can be earth shattering.  Whether there was suspicion of this happening leading up to the discovery or not, it all leads to a spectrum of emotions including shock, anger, grief and loss.  It can feel like the relationship has been dumped upside down with the contents shaken all over the ground.  But if both partners are open to the work of affair recovery, it’s possible and in many cases the relationship can come out the other side stronger than before.

    The work to heal a relationship after this type of betrayal is unique to each situation and dependent on how each person shows up to it.  Is there remorse from the person who cheated?  A sincere interest in healing the wounds caused by their behavior?  A willingness to end the other relationship, if it has been ongoing?  Are they willing to do anything to save their primary relationship?  Just as important is the response of the partner who was impacted.  What do they need to be able to move on?  Can they eventually forgive the partner who chose to be unfaithful?

    The most important aspect of affair recovery for the betrayed partner is re-establishing emotional safety in the relationship.

    When there is emotional safety present between a couple there is trust and a sense of knowing that they prioritize, respect, understand and love each other.  There is ease and an intuitive knowing that they can be themselves.  This is where real authenticity in relationships lives.

    When there is a breach of trust either physically or emotionally in a committed relationship, emotional safety is severely compromised.  The betrayed partner may feel like they are spinning in a vortex, untethered with the realization that what they thought they could rely upon or was theirs only was not.  The dishonesty and often sneaky behavior involved with cheating partners further impacts the sacred space of emotional safety.

    When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life.”

    – Rachel Moheban-Wachtel, LCSW in article, Affair Recovery: 5 Steps to Repairing Your Relationship

    When an affair has occurred and the couple would like to try heal and move forward, primary goal is to shore up the aspects of emotional safety that have been compromised, most importantly involving trust.  But questions about whether their cheating partner loves them anymore also understandably comes up.

    • Is the partner who cheated willing to stop the other relationship (if applicable)?
    • Is there a willingness to respond to the needs of the harmed partner to help the healing process?
    • Can patience in the process be maintained in order to work through the relationship harm?
    • Can the betrayed partner find a way to stay and maintain their own self respect?
    • Can the betrayed partner take the “leap of faith” required to rebuilt trust?

    When the foundation of emotional safety has been compromised this needs to be acknowledged and addressed.  If a couple stands any chance or pushing through this work, they must re-establish this type of safety.  It is the glue that keeps intimate relationships together in a truly meaningful way.  It’s not easy but can be incredibly rewarding, especially if the couple also manages to successfully navigate any of the issues leading to the affair.  Though this type of exploration has a time and a place (not recommended until after there is a show of good faith, desire to repair and signs of progress).

    Dr Richard Nicastro, PhD looks at the challenge of maintaining trust and hope in the post-affair recovery process in the piece, The Emotional Crisis of an Affair and How to Heal.  It looks at these two roadblocks as they can come up for both partners doing affair recovery therapy work.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Bad Relationships on Repeat? Break Your Unhealthy Patterns | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Bad Relationships on Repeat? Break Your Unhealthy Patterns | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Criticism.  Sarcasm.  Disrespect.  Repeat.

    These are just some of the relationship behaviors that some when reoccurring can leave you wondering, “How did I get here again?”  The relationship may have even started great, you thought he/she was incredible, a nice person, a good match.  But when red flags started to wave you either ignored them or excused them away because you wanted this to be what you hoped it was.

    The chemistry is incredible!  They are so doting and attentive!  They are the life of the party!

    If you’ve cycled through a lot of painful relationships and this sounds familiar, take heart in knowing you are one of many who with great intentions and hopes of love and finding your person who end up entangled in unhealthy relationships and yet, stick around.  Hope is a powerful elixir and it’s often hard to see that the dream of what you thought they were is actually just that, a dream.

    Healthy relationships require a number of pieces to fall into place from both people involved.  A history of secure attachment and emotional safety increase the chances that you have been provided the tools you need.

    Here are more behaviors that often characterize unhealthy relationships:

    • betrayal
    • bullying
    • verbal or physical abuse
    • guilt
    • isolation
    • dishonesty
    • control
    • disrespect
    • poor communication
    • gaslighting
    • drama

    If you have often felt afraid, sad, lonely or angry in your relationships, it might serve you to explore why.  Be open to reflection on your role in these unhealthy patterns as you surely have one.  If you have stumbled into these relationships and have missed the red flags, become aware of these important indicators that you may be in a situation that is not ideal.  Learn how to spot the red flags:

    • Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
    • Is this person saying derogatory or unkind things to you?
    • Are you losing yourself in the relationship?
    • Do you feel confused or crazy sometimes?
    • Are you regularly aware you aren’t getting your needs met?

    Think of a person you know who is generally happy, confident, secure and tends to choose partners well.  Imagine if this person were to meet someone and began seeing some of the red flags you’ve ignored in some of your relationships.  What would they have done?  They probably wouldn’t have stuck around once they determined that despite some of the shiny aspects to this potential mate, they deserved and wanted better in a relationship.

    Why would you make different choices than them at the early critical juncture?  It’s complicated and often has to do with your history and what you learned about love, relationships, your value and trust, to name a few.  Family of origin work can be helpful to get more clarity around your part.

    A few indicators of your role are conflict avoidance and lack of boundaries.  If you can begin to imagine how what you bring into the relationship might be a perfect fit for some of the unhealthy behaviors listed above, perhaps you can see how this can happen.  And you might be able to better understand why one person may be more likely to stay than another.  Recognizing your own relationship challenges is the first step towards breaking the cycle.

    According to Sue Johnson, PhD, in the Time piece, The Science Behind Happy Relationships,

    Good relationships aren’t just happier and nicer.  When we know how to heal [relationships] and keep them strong, they make us resilient. All these clichés about how love makes us stronger aren’t just clichés; it’s physiology. Connection with people who love and value us is our only safety net in life.

    Keep in mind, unhealthy patterns can come up for anyone, especially in times of high stress.  Couples in which both partners come from a secure upbringing where the were modeled healthy relationships, good communication and learned that they are lovable and have value, tend to have an advantage but even for them, vulnerability and authenticity is not always a straight line.  For the many who have more challenging histories creating obstacles emotionally or in their relationships, there can be incredible positive shifts and change.

    To review, these are steps you can take to help you break unhealthy relationship patterns:

    1. Recognize dysfunctional behavior in the other.
    2. Understand why you’re in a cycle of unhealthy relationships by identifying your unhelpful beliefs and coping strategies.
    3. Heal the wounds that led to the story you have about yourself and what you deserve.
    4. With a list of red flags at the ready, practice new relationship skills with healthier people.

    If you are ready to move away from unhappy to happy relationships, do it!  A therapist with a focus of family of origin work can be a guide for this process (see Psychology Today Therapist Directory) or you can first try the self-help route by educating yourself.  My e-book, Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns, or the online course version in the sidebar of this article are just a few of the many options available online with some research.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • Bad Relationships on Repeat? Break Your Unhealthy Patterns | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Bad Relationships on Repeat? Break Your Unhealthy Patterns | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Criticism.  Sarcasm.  Disrespect.  Repeat.

    These are just some of the relationship behaviors that some when reoccurring can leave you wondering, “How did I get here again?”  The relationship may have even started great, you thought he/she was incredible, a nice person, a good match.  But when red flags started to wave you either ignored them or excused them away because you wanted this to be what you hoped it was.

    The chemistry is incredible!  They are so doting and attentive!  They are the life of the party!

    If you’ve cycled through a lot of painful relationships and this sounds familiar, take heart in knowing you are one of many who with great intentions and hopes of love and finding your person who end up entangled in unhealthy relationships and yet, stick around.  Hope is a powerful elixir and it’s often hard to see that the dream of what you thought they were is actually just that, a dream.

    Healthy relationships require a number of pieces to fall into place from both people involved.  A history of secure attachment and emotional safety increase the chances that you have been provided the tools you need.

    Here are more behaviors that often characterize unhealthy relationships:

    • betrayal
    • bullying
    • verbal or physical abuse
    • guilt
    • isolation
    • dishonesty
    • control
    • disrespect
    • poor communication
    • gaslighting
    • drama

    If you have often felt afraid, sad, lonely or angry in your relationships, it might serve you to explore why.  Be open to reflection on your role in these unhealthy patterns as you surely have one.  If you have stumbled into these relationships and have missed the red flags, become aware of these important indicators that you may be in a situation that is not ideal.  Learn how to spot the red flags:

    • Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
    • Is this person saying derogatory or unkind things to you?
    • Are you losing yourself in the relationship?
    • Do you feel confused or crazy sometimes?
    • Are you regularly aware you aren’t getting your needs met?

    Think of a person you know who is generally happy, confident, secure and tends to choose partners well.  Imagine if this person were to meet someone and began seeing some of the red flags you’ve ignored in some of your relationships.  What would they have done?  They probably wouldn’t have stuck around once they determined that despite some of the shiny aspects to this potential mate, they deserved and wanted better in a relationship.

    Why would you make different choices than them at the early critical juncture?  It’s complicated and often has to do with your history and what you learned about love, relationships, your value and trust, to name a few.  Family of origin work can be helpful to get more clarity around your part.

    A few indicators of your role are conflict avoidance and lack of boundaries.  If you can begin to imagine how what you bring into the relationship might be a perfect fit for some of the unhealthy behaviors listed above, perhaps you can see how this can happen.  And you might be able to better understand why one person may be more likely to stay than another.  Recognizing your own relationship challenges is the first step towards breaking the cycle.

    According to Sue Johnson, PhD, in the Time piece, The Science Behind Happy Relationships,

    Good relationships aren’t just happier and nicer.  When we know how to heal [relationships] and keep them strong, they make us resilient. All these clichés about how love makes us stronger aren’t just clichés; it’s physiology. Connection with people who love and value us is our only safety net in life.

    Keep in mind, unhealthy patterns can come up for anyone, especially in times of high stress.  Couples in which both partners come from a secure upbringing where the were modeled healthy relationships, good communication and learned that they are lovable and have value, tend to have an advantage but even for them, vulnerability and authenticity is not always a straight line.  For the many who have more challenging histories creating obstacles emotionally or in their relationships, there can be incredible positive shifts and change.

    To review, these are steps you can take to help you break unhealthy relationship patterns:

    1. Recognize dysfunctional behavior in the other.
    2. Understand why you’re in a cycle of unhealthy relationships by identifying your unhelpful beliefs and coping strategies.
    3. Heal the wounds that led to the story you have about yourself and what you deserve.
    4. With a list of red flags at the ready, practice new relationship skills with healthier people.

    If you are ready to move away from unhappy to happy relationships, do it!  A therapist with a focus of family of origin work can be a guide for this process (see Psychology Today Therapist Directory) or you can first try the self-help route by educating yourself.  My e-book, Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns, or the online course version in the sidebar of this article are just a few of the many options available online with some research.

    3

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link