In any relationship, it’s natural to encounter challenges and conflicts. But what happens when those conflicts turn toxic?
Gaslighting and stonewalling are not the same thing, but both can wreak havoc on a relationship. It’s crucial to understand the difference between these two behaviors so that you can decide how to react when or if they show up in your relationship.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality, and deliberately causing them to doubt their sanity, thoughts, feelings, and memories. This insidious form of emotional abuse can lead to self-loathing, anxiety, and doubting one’s own mental stability.
The term originates from the play Gaslight, written by Patrick Hamilton in 1938. It is a story about Bella and Jack, set in 1880 London. Playgoers realize right away that Jack is not a good guy. He flirts with staff in front of Bella, leaves the home without explanation, and is generally rude and dismissive.
As the play progresses, it turns out there is a mysterious disappearance of an opera singer (who used to live upstairs). Jack starts searching for the starlett’s jewels and acts incredulous when Bella mentions she hears footsteps above her. The plot thickens as Jack starts randomly turning their gas lamp lights on and off, and then denies it. He attempts to convince Bella she is insane.
You’ll have to see the play to learn what happens next, but the important takeaway from this story is that Jack’s behavior is deliberate and intentional. Not only does he lie to her, but he lies to her with the premeditated intention of upending her mental stability. This is what gaslighting is.
What To Do If There is Gaslighting in Your Relationship
Emotional abuse needs to be taken extremely seriously and requires immediate assessment and intervention from a licensed professional.
If you believe that your partner is consistently, deliberately trying to make you feel like you are out of touch with reality, we recommend reaching out for help. You can call 988 if you live in the United States or visit the Gottman Referral Network to find a therapist near you.
What is Stonewalling?
Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling is a maladaptive defense mechanism versus a form of emotional abuse.
Dr. John Gottman uses the term to define one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. His research indicates that stonewalling leads to relationship dissatisfaction, separation and divorce.
Stonewalling is a behavior characterized by one partner withdrawing from interaction, shutting off emotionally, and discontinuing communication.
When someone is stonewalling, to others they often appear indifferent and usually have a blank expression on their face. They might appear callous or uncaring. It can be very hurtful to look up and see what appears to be an emotionless reaction when you are talking to your partner; especially if you are being emotionally vulnerable. You might wonder if your partner is even listening or cares what you are feeling.
But stonewalling is not as it appears.
What we know from the research is that when someone is stonewalling, even though they may appear calm on the outside, internally, they are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Stonewalling is the freeze reaction to perceived danger. Heart-rates are well over one hundred beats per minute, accompanied by difficulty breathing, muscle tension and internal panic.
What To Do if There is Stonewalling in Your Relationship
The solution to relational stonewalling is easy in concept, but difficult to practice in everyday life.
There is only one thing to do, and that is to take a timeout.
It is emotionally dangerous to continue conversation when one or both parties are triggered. If you keep talking, you or your partner might do and say things you regret. When you take a short break, both of you can catch your breath, do some self-care, and then return to the conversation when you’re calm.
Usually one partner wants to keep talking while the other wants space. In order for a time-out to be effective, both parties need to commit to disconnecting and then reconnecting. When you learn how to do this in your relationship, you can avoid the unnecessary pain that occurs from continuing an unproductive conversation.
Next Steps
It takes time to reduce stonewalling in your relationship, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to implement this strategy. If you are the kind of couple who like worksheets and cheat sheets, you can download a free copy of chapter 7 of my workbook which includes a Time-Out Planning Exercise to help you avoid stonewalling in your relationship.
Congratulations on your commitment to relationship health and thanks for reading this article 🙂
In the intricate maze of human emotions, the pervasive question of one’s lovability can cast a profound shadow on personal well-being. The contemplation “Am I unlovable?” echoes through the hearts of many, reflecting a complex interplay of internal struggles and external influences.
This article delves into the depths of this emotional labyrinth, exploring nine common reasons behind the haunting sensation of being unlovable. From the intricacies of self-esteem and past traumas to the impact of societal expectations and mental health, each facet contributes to the intricate mosaic of our self-perception. By unraveling these threads, we aim to illuminate the pathways toward self-discovery and healing, fostering a compassionate understanding of the factors that may cloud our sense of worthiness in the realm of love and connection.
According to Harley Therapy, feeling unlovable might ‘sound’ like it’s not a big deal. But it is a very serious matter. It can be a contributing cause for many other psychological conditions and is sadly a leading cause of suicide.
We asked our expert counselor Nandita Rambhia (M.Sc. in Psychology) to help us understand why some people have the fear of being unlovable and how to cope with being unloved. Read on to find out what she has to say about the matter and join us on a journey of introspection, as we navigate the nuanced landscape of human emotions and unravel the mystery behind the question, “Why am I unlovable?”
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Why Do You Feel Unloved? 9 Reasons
You might ask yourself, “What makes a person unlovable?” Well, absolutely nothing. Everyone is lovable, and feeling like you aren’t can be a result of some deeper issue. Is it possible to be unlovable? Nandita says, “I don’t think it is possible for any person to be unlovable. It is about your own perspective.” And yet, you can’t shake off the thought, “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone.” It’s time to delve deeper and investigate where this “I feel unloved” feeling is stemming from.
Feeling unlovable can stem from various factors, and it’s important to recognize that these feelings are complex and subjective. But why is feeling loved even important? Feeling loved is an essential element of the human experience, influencing our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Embracing love provides a deep sense of emotional safety and support, acting as a powerful antidote to the stresses and challenges of life.
A study demonstrated that a sense of love and security “calms jittery neurons.” In the study, female subjects were scanned through an MRI scanner while being administered a slight shock to their ankles. The females left alone in the scanner felt the shock and the pain. On the other hand, the females holding the hand of the lab technician felt the shock but much less pain. Likewise, the females holding the hands of their loving husbands felt the shock but no pain.
Due to a number of reasons, some people might develop certain mental schemas (patterns of thought) that lead them to believe that they are unlovable and that no one will ever want them, or that they aren’t enough, resulting in the “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone” feeling. We are here to tell you why this happens and how to cope with this feeling. Below are some causes a person might be feeling unlovable in a relationship or in their day-to-day lives.
1. Low self-esteem
“Low self-esteem can be a potent catalyst for feeling unlovable, and one of the most common causes for someone feeling unlovable, creating pervasive personal beliefs that one is inherently unworthy of affection,” says Nandita. When individuals harbor a negative perception of themselves, it distorts their perception of how others perceive them and they begin to see signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship.
Morris Rosenberg and Timothy Owens, in their book Low Self-Esteem People: A Collective Portrait, say that people with low self-esteem tend to be hypersensitive. They have a fragile sense of self that can easily be wounded by others. Furthermore, people with low self-esteem are “hypervigilant and hyper-alert to signs of rejection, inadequacy, and rebuff.” Here’s how people with low self-esteem tend to feel unlovable:
They may struggle to accept love or convince themselves that they don’t deserve love
Their self-doubt can lead to a pattern of self-sabotage in relationships, as they may find it challenging to believe in their own worthiness of love and acceptance
They have trouble loving themselves and tend to discount the positives. This means that they only focus on the negatives in their lives and disregard the positive experiences
Breaking this cycle often involves addressing and rebuilding self-esteem through self-reflection, positive affirmations, and supportive connections
Unrealistic expectations create unattainable standards for oneself and others. When people set excessively high expectations in relationships or for themselves, they set themselves up for failure. Any perceived failure to meet these unrealistic standards can lead to self-criticism and a belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unlovable. As a result, a person may start questioning, “Am I loved?”, which further dents their sense of self-esteem.
The gap between reality and such lofty expectations becomes a breeding ground for feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, undermining one’s confidence. This makes it difficult for people to feel accepted or believe that others could genuinely value them. They perceive even the slightest departure from their expectations as signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship. Addressing this often involves reevaluating expectations and adjusting them to be more realistic and of achievable levels, fostering self-compassion, and embracing the imperfections that make each person uniquely lovable.
3. Past experiences
Negative past experiences, such as rejection, abandonment, or traumatic events, can contribute to feelings of being unlovable. These experiences can create emotional scars that affect one’s perception of themselves and their ability to be loved, leading a person to believe that the “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone” feeling they are struggling with is a fact. Here are some examples that might help you understand this better.
After numerous job rejections, my neighbor Mark began questioning his competence, feeling unlovable as he struggled to separate professional setbacks from his personal worth
A friend of mine, Emily, has a similar situation. Her parents divorced when she was young. This left her with a lingering sense of abandonment that fueled insecurities and made forming deep connections challenging for her. This fostered feelings of being unlovable
My friend, Sarah, who experienced a painful breakup marked by betrayal, developed trust issues, and found it difficult to open up in subsequent relationships, attributing the trauma to her sense of being fundamentally unlovable
Linda Graham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains in her blog how past experiences can make us feel unlovable. She says that repeated experiences of reaching out and encountering pain can lead the amygdala, our fear and emotional center, to encode a memory linking yearning with anticipation of hurt, time and again, creating an unconscious loop, reinforcing a neural pattern. The brain, accustomed to this repetition, establishes a rigid neural connection, akin to a self-reinforcing loop or neural cement.
Constantly comparing oneself to others, especially in terms of physical appearance, achievements, or relationships, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unlovability. The habit of comparing yourself to others often stems from societal standards and unrealistic ideals.
Comparing your life with the lives you see online can cause an intense feeling of internalized unlovability.
As individuals internalize these comparisons, they may start to believe that their unique qualities are insufficient, breeding a deep-seated conviction of being unlovable. Breaking free from this cycle involves practicing self-compassion, recognizing individual strengths, and embracing a more authentic and self-affirming perspective, independent of external comparisons.
5. Lack of positive reinforcement
A lack of positive reinforcement can profoundly impact an individual’s sense of self-worth and contribute to feelings of being unlovable. Here’s how positive reinforcement works:
Positive reinforcement, which includes affirmations, encouragement, and expressions of love, plays a crucial role in shaping a person’s self-perception
Without these affirming experiences, individuals may struggle to internalize a positive self-image
The absence of positive reinforcement, especially during the formative years, can lead to childhood trauma and persistent core beliefs that one is unworthy of love and acceptance
Distant parents who constantly criticize and rarely praise can lead the child to develop deeply ingrained belief that they are unworthy of love. Such people can go through their entire adult life wondering, “Am I loved?”
Nandita says, “If an authority figure (parent, teacher, guardian, relative) has constantly been critical of a person, especially during their early childhood, or gaslit them into feeling inferior to others, it would most definitely lead to low morale.” Over time, this deficiency in positive external validation and emotional abuse may contribute to low self-esteem, making it challenging for individuals to believe in their lovability. They may start believing that they don’t deserve positive relationships.
Addressing these feelings often involves building self-esteem through positive affirmations, seeking supportive connections, and opting for professional counseling. Growing up in an environment where love and positive reinforcement have been scarce can impact a person’s self-worth and their belief in their own lovability.
Mental health issues contribute to feelings of unlovability by distorting self-perception, fostering negative thoughts, and influencing social interactions. Here’s how:
Someone who is mentally unwell or suffers from conditions such as depression and anxiety can start believing in inherent flaws or unworthiness
Social withdrawal, fear of rejection, and difficulties in emotional regulation or emotional abuse further add to the struggle, limiting positive interpersonal experiences
The impact of mental illness on relationships, coupled with low energy and motivation, can reinforce a sense of isolation (loneliness) and unlovability
The interplay between mental health and feelings of unlovability often involves a cyclical pattern. Breaking this cycle requires a holistic approach, including therapy, medication, and self-care practices, aimed at cultivating self-compassion, building a support network, and fostering healthier connections. Recognizing that mental health struggles do not define one’s capacity for love and connection is a crucial step in the journey toward healing and a more positive self-perception.
7. Fear of vulnerability
Sometimes the fear of being unlovable or feeling unloved in a relationship stems from the fear of being vulnerable and opening up to the possibility of rejection. This fear can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where people isolate themselves emotionally. Fear of vulnerability in a relationship can lead a person towards loneliness, because of self-isolation. A study shows:
Loneliness can lead to personality disorders (such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.) and psychoses, suicide, impaired cognitive performance and cognitive decline over time, increased risk of Alzheimer’s Disease, diminished executive control, and depressive symptoms
Loneliness also increases perceived stress, fear of negative evaluation, anxiety, and anger, while it diminishes optimism and self-esteem
The study thus suggests that a perceived sense of social connectedness serves as a scaffold for the self. Damage the scaffold and the rest of the self begins to crumble.
8. Unhealthy attachment styles
Unhealthy attachment styles can contribute to a profound sense of unlovability through various mechanisms. Here’s how:
Those with anxious attachment may fear abandonment, seeking constant reassurance and forming emotional dependencies that reinforce the personal belief that they are unlovable without continual external validation
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with intimacy, fostering emotional distance and a perception of being incapable of sustaining meaningful connections
Disorganized attachment patterns, marked by inconsistent behavior, can create confusion and emotional turmoil, making a person feel unworthy. But what causes these unhealthy patterns? “When a person’s first attachment experience is being unloved, this can create difficulty in closeness and intimacy, creating continuous feelings of anxiety and avoidance of creating deep meaningful relationships as an adult,” says Nancy Paloma Collins, LMFT.
Unhealthy attachments often lead to self-fulfilling prophecies and heighten attachment issues, which a person may interpret as signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship. Behaviors driven by insecurities can strain relationships, reinforcing the belief of being unlovable. Therapy plays a crucial role in addressing and transforming these patterns, fostering self-awareness, establishing secure attachments, and cultivating a more positive self-perception.
9. Cultural and societal influences
Cultural and societal influences can significantly contribute to feelings of unlovability by imposing unrealistic standards and expectations. Dominant cultural narratives often dictate norms related to beauty, success, and interpersonal relationships, creating a framework that may be unattainable for some individuals.
Those who deviate from these prescribed ideals may internalize a sense of inadequacy, believing that they fall short of societal benchmarks for love and acceptance. Discrimination, stereotyping, or exclusion based on cultural differences or gender can worsen these feelings, fostering a belief that one is unlovable due to societal biases.
A study shows that self-esteem can be best gained from identities that fulfill the values of the surrounding culture. For example:
Participants in cultural contexts where people emphasized values such as self-direction and having a stimulating life (e.g., the UK, Western Europe, and some parts of South America) were more likely to derive self-esteem from controlling their own lives
Those in cultures where there was relatively more emphasis on values such as conformity, tradition, and security (e.g., parts of the Middle East, Africa, and Asia) were relatively more likely to derive self-esteem from doing their duty
Overcoming these challenges involves challenging societal norms, embracing diversity, and fostering a sense of self-worth independent of external cultural expectations. Seeking support from communities that promote inclusivity and understanding can also be crucial in combating the impact of cultural or societal influences on feelings of unlovability.
It is important to note that these reasons are interconnected, and an individual may experience a combination of these factors. Nandita suggests that a person should choose to love themselves. “It is about your perception of yourself, rather than society’s outlook on you,” she says.
The causes of feeling unlovable — or feeling unloved in a relationship — are multifaceted, intertwining psychological, emotional, and societal elements. Exploring these factors in therapy, practicing self-compassion, and challenging negative perceptions are essential steps toward breaking the cycle and fostering a healthier, more positive perception of oneself in the context of love and acceptance. In the next section, we will look at a few ways to cope with feeling unlovable.
How To Cope With Feeling Unloved?
If you find yourself asking questions like “Why do I not feel worthy of love?” or “What makes a person unlovable?” or Why do I keep feeling unloved in a relationship?”, it could be due to some of the reasons listed above. But what about dealing with such a situation? Now, there are a lot of ways to cope with feeling unloved or unlovable. Navigating the intricate landscape of feeling unlovable requires a compassionate and intentional approach to self-discovery and healing. Acknowledging these emotions is the first step in a journey toward self-acceptance and resilience.
There are various ways you can learn to cope with feeling unlovable.
A Quora user said, “The way you cope with being unlovable is the way Hellen Keller coped with being born deaf, dumb and blind. You find your purpose.” Another user suggested, “Start with thinking ‘you matter’. When you love, respect, and care for yourself, you can love and care for others too. Whenever you want to give something to someone, first start with yourself. You want to love, first love yourself, make yourself happy. It will flow from you like blood flows in your vein then.” Here are some ways you can cope with feeling unloved.
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar struggles. Give yourself unconditional love, be patient with yourself, and acknowledge that everyone has insecurities. Tara Brach, in her best-selling book Radical Acceptance: Living Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha says, “Acceptance and love are what heal the ‘trance of unworthiness’. And they are the only things that heal feeling unlovable.”
2. Challenge your negative thoughts
Nandita suggests, “Figure out why you’re feeling unlovable. Is it a self-inflicted feeling? Is it due to a partner who is being distant, or gaslighting you in the relationship, or ill-treating you emotionally? Is it because of some past experience? Once we find out the ‘why’, it becomes easier to go further into treating it.” Here’s how you can do that:
Identify and challenge negative thought patterns contributing to feelings of unlovability
Replace these thoughts and negative self-talk with more balanced and positive affirmations to reshape your self-perception
3. Seek professional help
Consider therapy or counseling to explore the root causes of these feelings. Therapists can provide valuable insights and tools to navigate and overcome feeling unlovable and other challenges that come with it. But in the end, the only person who can help you is you.
According to Nandita, one should seek professional help from a licensed clinical psychologist to rule out any mental disorders that are associated with feeling unworthy and unlovable. And if a mental disorder is diagnosed, the professional will be able to help you find the best treatment plan. Should you need it, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. A licensed clinical psychologist will be able to offer treatments such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, dynamic interpersonal therapy, and commitment therapy.
4. Build healthy relationships
Nandita says that having a strong support system and a good social connect is important. But even more important is trust. So confide in the people you trust, and keep your friends and family members close. If you’re feeling unlovable in a relationship, it might be time to assess if it would be better to leave that relationship. Here’s how healthy relationships help:
Building healthy relationships serves as a powerful antidote to feelings of unlovability by providing positive social reinforcement and support
Engaging with individuals who understand, accept, and appreciate you contributes to a sense of belonging and worthiness
These relationships foster an environment where you can challenge negative self-perceptions, receive genuine affection, and gradually rebuild a positive sense of self in the context of love and connection
Setting realistic expectations is a crucial coping strategy for combating feelings of unlovability, as it involves acknowledging that perfection is unattainable. By reassessing and adjusting expectations, you allow room for self-acceptance and embrace the reality of being human, with strengths and imperfections.
This shift in mindset fosters a more compassionate view of yourself, contributing to a positive sense of self-worth and an increase in self-confidence. “You should remember that it is all majorly psychological, so it is imperative to retrain your mind and thoughts to be kind to you and look at the positive qualities more,” says Nandita.
6. Engage in self-care and focus on personal growth
Prioritize self-care and wellbeing activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing can positively impact your self-esteem and overall outlook. Identify areas for personal growth and set realistic goals. Accomplishments, no matter how small, can boost self-esteem and contribute to a more positive self-image. Let go of your self-sabotaging behaviors.
7. Try affirmations, journaling, mindfulness, and meditation
Focus on positive activities to know yourself better, stay aware of your feelings, and learn to sieve out positivity through a mess of maladaptive thoughts. Here’s what’s required:
Create and repeat positive affirmations that reinforce feelings of self-worth and lovability. Affirmations can be a powerful tool to counteract negative self-talk and promote a more positive mindset
Finding ways to express your feelings and thoughts through journaling can be a therapeutic way to gain clarity and insight into the root causes of feeling unlovable. It also provides a record of your progress over time
Practice mindfulness and meditation to cultivate self-awareness and reduce anxiety. These practices can help you stay grounded in the present moment and develop a more balanced perspective
Embracing personal strengths, understanding the root causes, and gradually rebuilding a positive self-perception are crucial aspects of this transformative process. Through self-reflection and intentional steps, individuals can cultivate a more authentic and loving relationship with themselves, ultimately breaking free from the grip of unlovability and fostering a sense of worthiness in love and connection. So remove questions like ‘Is it possible to be unlovable?’ and ‘Why do I not feel worthy of love?’ from your mind and try a few things mentioned above to help you cope with feeling unlovable.
Key Pointers
Feelings of unlovability can be very dangerous for a person, sometimes even leading to suicide. So, it is very important to find out what is causing these feelings and how to cope with them
Some common causes of feeling unlovable are low self-esteem, past trauma or experiences, mental health issues, unrealistic expectations, and societal influences
Coping strategies involve fostering self-compassion, challenging negative thought patterns, and seeking support from trusted individuals or professionals
In the intricate exploration of the haunting questions “Am I unlovable?” and “Why am I unlovable?,” it becomes evident that the journey to self-discovery and the healing process are both personal and transformative. Acknowledging and challenging negative thought patterns, fostering self-compassion, and seeking support are foundational steps toward dismantling the roots of unlovability.
It is within the deliberate steps of self-reflection, intentional growth, and cultivating meaningful connections that individuals can transcend the shadows of unlovability, ultimately discovering a profound and enduring love and acceptance within themselves. The journey toward self-love is not linear, but through patience, self-compassion, and commitment, one can emerge from the depths of doubt into a brighter and more affirming understanding of one’s inherent lovability.
In the ebb and flow of relationships, we often find ourselves navigating through challenges, seeking understanding, and striving for connection. Reflecting on my own journey, I recall a chapter where the dynamics took a perplexing turn, leaving me grappling with the task of learning how to respond to DARVO.
At that time, romance colored my world, and I found myself entangled with a captivating woman. However, as the relationship progressed, subtle shifts began to occur. Disagreements that once seemed like mere misunderstandings took on a different hue. It was during these moments of discord that I unwittingly encountered DARVO – an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
As I attempted to address concerns or express my feelings, a disconcerting pattern emerged. Instead of fostering open and healthy communication, my partner seemed to employ a strategic defense mechanism: Deny any wrongdoing, Attack my character, and skillfully Reverse the roles of victim and offender. It was as if the very foundation of our connection became a battlefield where accountability and understanding were elusive.
Yes, it is as insidious as it sounds. Let’s delve into the intricacies of this perplexing behavior and explore effective strategies on how to deal with DARVO. By sharing my personal experience, and insights from counseling psychologist Dhriti Bhavsar (M.Sc, Clinical Psychology), who specializes in relationship, breakup, and LGBTQ counseling, I hope to shed light on the impact of DARVO in relationships and empower you to navigate the complexities of communication with resilience and clarity and ultimately recover from DARVO.
What Is DARVO In A Relationship?
What does DARVO stand for? DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a term coined by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd in the 1990s to describe a common pattern of behavior observed in some interpersonal conflicts, particularly in situations where a person is confronted about their actions or behavior.
Dhriti says, “The DARVO method is a common manipulation tactic employed by narcissists as an ego defense. A core characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder is a very fragile ego state. As a result of their low self-esteem, they view the world with an internal sense of insecurity, which they overcompensate with a superiority complex.
“They see normal interactions as threatening and feel safe only when they take power away from the people around them. For the narcissist, everything is a power struggle and they get off on being able to control other people’s actions and emotions. A narcissist needs control at all cost, especially that of their victim’s mental health.”
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For the sake of greater clarity on what this means, let’s take a look at how each component of DARVO is used against the victim:
Deny: First, the perpetrator denies wrongdoing or responsibility for their actions. This refusal to be held accountable can take various forms, ranging from outright refutation of an event to downplaying the significance of their bad behavior, but accepting responsibility is out of the question
Attack: Following denial, the person often launches a counterattack against the individual who raised the issue. This attack can manifest as being unfairly accused, criticism of the victim’s account, blame-shifting, or even questioning the motives or character of the person bringing up the concern, making the victim doubt themselves
Reverse victim and offender: In this stage, the person employing DARVO creates a false narrative and resorts to blame-shifting in the relationship, portraying themselves as the victim and the accuser as the offender. By doing so, they aim to deflect attention from their own actions and garner sympathy or support and abusive incidents become the victim’s fault.
DARVO emotional abuse can be particularly challenging in relationships because it creates a sense of cognitive dissonance, and the person raising a valid concern may end up feeling gaslit, confused, or invalidated. The aim is to divert attention and create doubt and this pattern of behavior can contribute to a toxic cycle of miscommunication and unresolved issues, in which you doubt your own judgment. What is DARVO in a relationship if not a manipulative tactic?
Recognizing these DARVO tactics can empower individuals to address conflicts more effectively, navigate discussions with a clearer understanding of the dynamics at play, and ultimately disarm DARVO. In the next sections of this article, we’ll explore how to respond to DARVO and foster healthier communication in relationships.
It is often hard to spot emotional abuse like DARVO because we tend to believe that interpersonal interactions are going to be mutually beneficial. This is particularly true in romantic relationships. It is hard to accept that a person so close could indulge in abusive behavior. In fact, betrayal trauma theory “posits that there is a social utility in remaining unaware of abuse when the perpetrator is a caregiver.” And the perpetrator makes the most of it to maintain power using emotional abuse.
Dhriti speaks of a case where being subjected to DARVO by a narcissist left her client convinced that she was a bad person. “My client was in her mid-20s and had been in a relationship with a guy for around 10 months. After the first few months, she began noticing subtle changes in his behavior — almost like his mask was slipping. It turned out that this guy had narcissistic personality disorder and he was using the manipulative tactics of DARVO on my client.
DARVO can have a debilitating effect on the victim’s mental health
“At one point, my client lost a family member and was stricken with grief. But her boyfriend began guilt-tripping her for not giving him any of her time. When she confronted him about this and tried to break up with him, he retorted with the classic, ‘No, the truth is you always make things about you and this is all your fault.’ My client, being in grief, apologized and continued dating him for about two weeks.
“But during this time, he continued to make her feel guilty for not engaging in physical intimacy with him. When she called him out for this, he responded with classic gaslighting phrases like ‘It’s not a big deal’, and ‘You’re trying to play the victim here again.’ At this point, my client had had enough and said, ‘Okay, maybe I am the bad guy here, so why do you want to continue dating me if I’m so bad,’ and ended the relationship there.
“It was after that that she came to me for therapy and asked me if she really was a terrible person for the way she treated him. This is how manipulative a person can be when they use DARVO tactics. He had gotten so deep in my client’s head that she genuinely thought she was a bad person for trying to set boundaries.”
Examples of the DARVO cycle and its impact can provide insight into how this defense mechanism operates in real-life situations and the potential consequences it can have on your self-image and relationships:
Scenario 1: The broken promise
Deny: You confront your partner about breaking a promise to attend an important event together. Your partner responds, “I never promised to be there. You must have misunderstood.”
Attack: Your partner continues, “Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one who flakes on plans. You’re no better. Maybe you’re just upset because you have no social life.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes with false accusations like, “I can’t believe you’re making me out to be the bad guy here. You’re always trying to control everything. I’m just trying to have some independence.”
Scenario 2: Relationship trust
Deny: Your partner denies ever promising to spend quality time together on weekends, despite clear previous commitments. When confronted, they respond with, “I never said we had to spend every weekend together. You’re exaggerating.”
Attack: In response to your disappointment, your partner counters, “You’re always so clingy. Maybe if you had a life outside of our relationship, you wouldn’t be so upset about spending time apart.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes, “I can’t believe you’re making me out to be the bad guy here. You’re the one who’s suffocating me with your need for constant attention. I need space.”
Deny: Concerned about the lack of financial transparency in the relationship, you confront your partner about undisclosed spending. They deny any financial infidelity, saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve always been open about my finances with you.”
Attack: In response to your persistence, your partner shifts blame, stating, “You’re so obsessed with money. Maybe if you contributed more, I wouldn’t have to hide things. You’re the one with the problem.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes, “It’s ridiculous that you’re accusing me. You’re the one who’s controlling and making a big deal out of nothing. I’m just trying to maintain some financial independence.”
DARVO is subtle and can be hard to spot
A Reddit user describes experiencing abuse of this kind at the hands of her ex-partner, “My most recent DARVO experience was tonight when I (stupidly) tried to hold my soon-to-be-nex [narcissistic ex] accountable for his emotional/psychological abuse. He countered by saying that I was abusive to him and he was only reacting to my provocations. I don’t provoke fights. I was thrown off for a split second before I saw the DARVO deployment. For the record, I am calm and kind most of the time. It takes a lot to set me off but after 20 years, he knows all my buttons.”
Research has found, “…the existence of DARVO as a perpetrator strategy and establish a relationship between DARVO exposure and feelings of self-blame. Exploring DARVO aids in understanding how perpetrators are able to enforce victims’ silence through the mechanism of self-blame.” A common feature of child sexual abuse, these specific tactics can and often do escalate to other forms of abuse such as domestic violence in intimate relationships. Narcissists are often victims of their own mistreatment during childhood, but that does not mean you have to tolerate their abusive behavior.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
As you can see, the DARVO cycle is quite insidious. The narcissist is actively trying to create a pseudo-identity for you based on self-blame, thus undermining your sense of self and making you feel trapped. The kind of abusive behavior displayed in these DARVO examples can have a profoundly negative impact on the victim’s self-esteem and interpersonal relationships, such as:
Undermining trust: DARVO erodes trust by denying accountability. The repeated denial of one’s actions can make it challenging for you to trust the individual, as you will start to feel like your concerns are consistently dismissed
Communication breakdown: The attack phase of DARVO can lead to a breakdown in communication or a relationship breakdown. Instead of addressing the initial concern, the conversation becomes focused on defending against the counterattack, hindering a resolution
Gaslighting: This behavior often involves gaslighting, where the person employing these DARVO tactics manipulates your perception of reality. This can leave you questioning your own perceptions and feelings, contributing to self-doubt
The cycle of unresolved issues: As DARVO deflects accountability and avoids addressing the root cause of conflicts, it can contribute to a cycle of unresolved issues in relationships. Without open and honest communication, problems persist and escalate
Emotional distress: Experiencing DARVO can be emotionally distressing. The constant denial, attack, and reversal of roles can leave you feeling emotionally drained, frustrated, and invalidated — all signs of narcissistic abuse syndrome
Power imbalance: The use of DARVO can create a power struggle in relationships, with one person manipulating the narrative and destroying the victim’s credibility to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and making the other feel powerless to change the situation
Recognizing these examples and understanding the impact of DARVO emotional abuse is crucial for those seeking to learn how to respond to DARVO in order to navigate conflicts healthily and constructively. Particularly when confronted with DARVO in marriage. In the next section, we’ll explore effective strategies on how to respond to and disarm DARVO and promote positive communication in relationships.
How To Respond To DARVO — 7 Expert-Backed Strategies
Dhriti says, “Since a narcissist needs control, their MO is to completely isolate their victim and dismantle their support systems to make them wholly dependent on the narcissist. DARVO helps them accomplish this by making the victim question their own perception of reality, doubt their own intentions and integrity, and make them feel responsible for the narcissist’s suffering. They slowly chip away at their victim’s mental health by gaslighting them.”
DARVO is insidious but once you see it, it gets easier to deal with
Indeed, what does DARVO stand for if not for the whims of a narcissist? If you want to recover from DARVO, responding to this manipulative tactic requires a thoughtful and assertive approach. Here are some strategies to consider when faced with the problem of how to respond to DARVO in a relationship or communication:
1. Become aware of the situation
Dhriti emphasizes the importance of becoming aware of the dynamics at play. “Educate yourself about DARVO and its patterns to better understand and navigate the situation. Do your research about narcissism so that you can spot these DARVO tactics sooner rather than later,” she advises. Do not fall into the trap of betrayal trauma theory.
Surround yourself with a strong support system. As we have already covered, a narcissist aims to isolate you. So, seek out friends, family, or a support group that can provide understanding and encouragement during challenging times. Having people who back you up is great for your mental health too.
3. Establish emotional boundaries
Dhriti also recommends you set boundaries with DARVO abusers. These internal boundaries, such as promising yourself not to attend events that feel unsafe, protect your core mental health and emotional well-being, reinforcing your values and bolstering your mental fortitude. This is a crucial step to disarm DARVO.
4. Gather solid proof
Dhriti suggests gathering evidence and documenting incidents before confronting the individual. This proof serves as a defense against gaslighting and provides a factual basis for addressing the issue. However, it is important to keep in mind that no amount of evidence will make a narcissist accept responsibility. This is purely to keep you from falling into their trap. It doesn’t help to reverse a gaslight, for the sake of your own sanity.
Recognizing that you cannot change the person employing DARVO is crucial. Cutting contact may be a necessary step to protect yourself and disengage from a toxic dynamic. This may be easier said than done, especially if you’re romantically involved with them or dealing with DARVO or emotional abuse in marriage. But it may be your only option to avoid further harm to your own mental health.
6. Shift your responses
Dhriti notes that victims often realize that when they stop responding in the expected way, the individual using DARVO loses interest. Adjusting your responses can disrupt the pattern and encourage healthier interactions. For example, don’t get carried away when they shift blame toward you. Don’t attempt to reverse a gaslight as this would just complicate things further.
In line with Dhriti’s holistic approach, prioritize self-care. Caring for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being is essential during challenging situations. Make self-care a priority to maintain resilience while you deal with this situation. Seek support from a therapist if you need help on your healing journey. This is also essential to recover from DARVO.
By incorporating expert-recommended tips, you can equip yourself with valuable tools to navigate relationships where DARVO may be present, be better informed about how to respond to DARVO, and foster personal well-being in the process.
Key Pointers
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
It is a common tactic used by narcissists to deny accountability and victimize people
Being a victim of DARVO can leave you emotionally distressed, filled with self-doubt, and isolated
Become aware of what’s happening and do what is necessary to take your life back
In conclusion, navigating the intricate dynamics of DARVO in relationships demands a vigilant eye and a strategic approach. Recognizing the patterns of denial, attack, and the reversal of victim and offender in this harmful behavior empowers individuals to respond effectively and maintain the integrity of their communication.
By understanding the psychological underpinnings of DARVO, one can break free from the cycle of emotional manipulation and work toward fostering healthier relationships. Whether through setting emotional boundaries, seeking professional help, or practicing self-care, the tools to dismantle DARVO’s impact are within reach. As we strive for genuine connection and open communication, the awareness and resilience cultivated in the face of DARVO contribute to creating relationships built on trust, transparency, and mutual respect.
FAQs
1. Why does DARVO work?
DARVO is effective due to its adept manipulation of psychology and emotions. By denying wrongdoing, attacking the accuser, and reversing victim and offender roles, it exploits social norms and the fear of confrontation. Emotional manipulation and gaslighting techniques further sow doubt in the accuser’s mind, creating a complex emotional landscape. This manipulative strategy often leaves individuals disoriented, making it challenging to call out the false narrative and assert their reality, thereby allowing DARVO tactics to persist in relationships.
2. How do you spot a DARVO?
Spotting DARVO requires a keen awareness of certain behavioral patterns in interpersonal conflicts. The first indicator is a consistent pattern of denial when confronted with accountability or wrongdoing. Individuals employing DARVO often vehemently deny their actions, even in the face of evidence or repeated instances. The second red flag is the attack phase, where the person shifts the focus by attacking the accuser’s character, motives, or behavior, diverting attention away from the initial concern. Lastly, DARVO is evident in the reversal of victim and offender, where the individual portrays themselves as the victim, manipulating the narrative to garner sympathy and deflect blame.
To recognize DARVO, pay attention to these sequential behaviors during conflicts. If you observe a repeated pattern of denial, personal attacks, and role reversal, it may indicate the use of DARVO in an attempt to manipulate perceptions and avoid accountability. Being vigilant for these signs can empower you to respond more effectively and maintain healthier communication in your relationships.
A friend recently asked me if I thought her toxic ex had male narcissist traits. I told her that being narcissistic is different from being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and there’s no way to know unless he gets a diagnosis through mental health professionals or a licensed therapist. But she was insistent.
She said she knew all his traits after a 5-year-long relationship. All she needed was someone to dig up some facts with her. So, here I am, with my new-found knowledge. As we know, narcissism is a personality trait that can be found in both men and women. But it often manifests differently across genders. As we discuss these personality traits ahead, remember that in men, they often form with distinct passive-aggressive behavior patterns.
Understanding these aspects of male and female narcissists is crucial not only for identifying potential narcissistic women and men in your life, but also for protecting yourself from emotional harm by creating boundaries. In this article, relationship coach Dhriti Bhavsar (MSc, Clinical Psychology), who specializes in LGBTQ and marital issues, addresses the traits of male narcissists and their subtle harmful tendencies. With her help, we will shed light on the specific attitudes of male narcissists that people around them (like my friend) have to deal with.
What Is A Narcissistic Man?
In The Good Men Projectarticle, titled ‘Confessions of a Recovering Narcissist—Or How I Learned to Be Unselfish,’ Lion Goodman wrote, “Relationships fail when partners focus too much on getting their own needs met, and not enough on the needs of the other. This results in arguments over whose needs are most important – which is almost always damaging.”
Well said. A narcissistic man demonstrates a pervasive and often problematic pattern of personality disorder characterized by a pronounced focus on his own needs, desires, and self-image. This focus is so intense that it can lead to a lack of consideration for other people’s feelings. While it’s essential to distinguish among mental disorders, narcissistic traits, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which is a diagnosable mental health condition), a narcissistic man typically exhibits a self-centered approach to life.
Dealing with male narcissists can be challenging, especially if they have NPD. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, “There are no FDA-approved medications for the treatment of NPD, but many patients may benefit from the treatment of symptoms, including anxiety, depression, mood lability, transient psychosis, and impulse control issues.” Addressing the problem is the first step, though. Keep reading to know more about narcissist traits in males.
11 Common Male Narcissist Traits In Relationships
Narcissistic traits in men can show up distinctly within the context of relationships, causing unique challenges for their partners. While not all men who exhibit these traits have Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD, or antisocial personality disorder, or any kind of mental disorders, recognizing their narcissistic approach and common behaviors is crucial for those in relationships with them.
In the following sections, we will watch out for prominent traits of male narcissists, shedding light on their haughty behaviors that can help you navigate their narcissistic tendencies. Remember that while recognizing these traits is essential, diagnosing someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder should be left to mental health professionals or a licensed therapist.
Here are 11 prominent male narcissist traits in romantic relationships, explained in detail:
1. They have an excessive need for attention in relationships
This is one of the overt narcissist traits males show with their partners. While some level of self-focus and a desire for recognition are normal, narcissistic behavior becomes problematic when it disrupts an individual’s life and the lives of those around them. Here are some common traits:
The partner of a male narcissist may find themselves constantly needing to reassure and compliment the narcissist
This can be emotionally exhausting as your own needs for affirmation and support often take a back seat
2. They will manipulate you emotionally
Male narcissists use emotional manipulation tactics, such as guilt-tripping which can make the partner feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness, even when it’s unreasonable. Gaslighting, a very common form of narcissistic abuse, can lead to confusion and self-doubt. Emotional detachment phases and other manipulative tactics can create a toxic atmosphere where the partner feels trapped in the relationship.
Dhriti says, “In relationships, narcissistic men often:
Play the victim card to avoid accountability
Engage in gaslighting to make you doubt your own reality
Use love bombing and ghosting to keep you on an emotional rollercoaster
Can be vengeful and hold onto grudges.”
This is how a male narcissist behaves like
3. A common trait among male narcissists: They struggle to show empathy to their partner
Are you dating a narcissist? Lack of empathy is one of the major narcissist traits in males, as you must know already. And because they lack empathy, it makes it challenging for them to connect with you on a deep, emotional level. The self-importance preoccupation of male narcissists makes it difficult for them to be genuine. Here’s how your intimate bond is affected:
Your emotions and experiences are often invalidated and dismissed
This can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and unimportant
Over time, this lack of empathy erodes the emotional connection in the relationship
Narcissists tend to prioritize their own interests and self-care above all else. This pursuit of attention and affirmation can lead them to engage in behavior that manipulates or exploits those around them. This exploitation can take form in various ways:
Self-obsessed men may take advantage of your financial resources
They may use your social connections for their own agenda
They may rely on you for emotional support constantly without giving anything in return
This leaves you feeling used and unappreciated, which can damage your self-esteem and overall well-being.
5. Narcissistic men only care about their self-image and needs, even at the cost of yours
Male narcissists have a grandiose sense of their life; they can even create unrealistic expectations for their partner. Here’s what it looks like:
They may expect you to cater to their every need, disregarding your own desires and boundaries
This inflated sense of self can strain the romantic relationship, as it becomes one-sided
You will never find them being self-deprecating about themselves
Dhriti says, “Such men exhibit the same behavior and entitlement everywhere, including romantic relationships. They do this through sexual demands, financial control, and monopolizing their partner’s time and attention. These actions erode boundaries, stripping partners of their agency and leaving them feeling suffocated.”
6. They’re always playing the blame game in a relationship
This is one of the most overt narcissist traits males show. A man like this takes advantage of the situation at hand and deflects blame and responsibility, hence conflicts often remain unresolved. You may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells. You fear any discussion that might lead to the blame being shifted on you. This avoidance of accountability by male narcissists can lead to an unhealthy and frustrating communication pattern between the couple.
7. The partnership can’t be equal as narcissistic males are always on a power trip
Male and female narcissists often view themselves as exceptional or unique, with an overarching belief in their superiority. Maintaining this inflated sense of control and dominance often results in imbalanced power dynamics within the relationship. Male narcissists may maintain power by:
Limiting your independence
Making decisions unilaterally
Undermining your self-esteem. This control can make you feel helpless and dependent on them
8. Male narcissists feel attacked a lot because of lack of self-esteem
The signs of low self-esteem hidden beneath the grandiose narcissism makes it difficult for such men to handle criticism or perceived threats to their self-worth. This emotional volatility can lead to a thick atmosphere of tension for you, as you fear triggering a defensive or angry response even in random conversations.
Dhriti explains, “Narcissist behavior in men is displayed by a fragile self-esteem that tends to be emotionally reactive, making you walk on eggshells. They retaliate fiercely to criticism, viewing it as a deep insult to their core. Their confidence masks a fragile ego, which leads to defensive behavior and an inability to handle jokes or critiques gracefully.”
9. They shuffle between idealizing and devaluing you
The cycle of idealization and devaluation can be emotionally confusing for partners. In the initial stages of the relationship, you may be showered with excessive admiration, affection, and praise, but as the relationship progresses, you might suddenly be devalued and criticized. This inconsistency by male narcissists can cause emotional turmoil.
Dhriti says, “Narcissists create a rollercoaster of emotions by initially making partners feel cherished and valued, only to withdraw affection later. This hooks the partners emotionally, making them crave the lost validation. This cycle taps into our brain’s reward system, similar to substance addiction, leaving you grappling with withdrawal-like emotions when the narcissistic love bombing ends.”
10. One of the most covert narcissist traits in males — They’re envious of you
The competitiveness and envy of a narcissistic person can lead to a hostile and unsupportive environment for their partner. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they may belittle or downplay them, making it challenging for you to thrive or feel secure in your accomplishments. You might eventually stop sharing what brings you joy and pride.
11. They can’t hold down the relationship with you for long
Due to their passive-aggressive behavior and possibly some personality disorders, maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship can be exceptionally challenging. There are repeated relationship formation attempts and failures. This turmoil can leave you emotionally drained, struggling to find stability and happiness in a relationship with a narcissistic man. It often takes therapy or a significant personal transformation for male narcissists to build and maintain lasting, healthy relationships.
Characteristics Of A Narcissist Man
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex and often challenging mental health condition characterized by a pervasive pattern of behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. When examining the characteristics of male narcissists, it’s essential to understand that not all individuals with narcissistic traits meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD. However, certain traits are commonly associated with such men and can significantly impact their romantic relationships and interactions. Here are some key traits:
1. One of the major characteristics of a narcissist man is grandiosity
Narcissistic men often have an over-inflated sense of self-importance. According to a study on NPD, “Often, persons with grandiose narcissism can present with heightened mood and more energy when excited by a new idea, which may initially point to a hypomanic/manic presentation.”
Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This inflated sense of self can result in haughty behaviors such as bragging about achievements and expecting constant admiration.
2. Need for admiration
Narcissistic men tend to have a constant need for admiration and validation. This is because male narcissists seek praise and recognition from others to bolster their fragile self-esteem. This need for admiration can drive them to engage in attention-seeking behaviors, like stealing the spotlight from those around them.
Dhriti adds, “Narcissist behavior in men is indicated by craving the spotlight, often overshadowing your achievements by making it about them. To them, people are possessions and they use your success to boost their image. If you are living with a narcissist husband or boyfriend then you must already know how this self-centered behavior, combined with histrionic tendencies, leaves people feeling unimportant, overshadowed, and pressured to constantly please the narcissist.”
3. Lack of empathy
Male narcissists tend to lack empathy. They may struggle to recognize people’s feelings, and it’s hard for them to care about the emotions and needs of others. Their lack of genuine empathy can result in a depleting emotional connection and understanding in their relationships.
4. Male narcissists tend to have manipulative behavior
They are skilled manipulators. They may use love bombing, silent treatment, flattery, or manipulation to achieve their goals or to control and exploit others. This manipulation can take on various forms, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting (making someone doubt their perceptions or feelings), or employing emotional manipulation tactics to get what they want.
5. Sense of entitlement
Male narcissists tend to demand privileges, regardless of their actual accomplishments. Entitlement is one of the most common characteristics of a narcissist man. After all, narcissists tend to believe they are exceptional, unique, and entitled to special treatment and recognition. When others don’t meet their expectations or cater to their desires, they may become resentful or angry, viewing any perceived slights as personal affronts.
6. Difficulty in maintaining relationships
Narcissistic behavior can strain relationships. Their self-centeredness, need for constant validation, and lack of compassion are some of the reasons why narcissists can’t sustain long-term, intimate relationships. Narcissists are generally unhappy in their personal relationships. Partners and friends may find it exhausting to continually meet the narcissist’s demands for praise.
7. A fragile self-esteem is among the common traits of narcissistic men
Dhriti adds another aspect, “Dealing with a narcissistic partner can shatter your self-esteem and confidence too, making you reliant on their validation. Your emotional boundaries blur, tying your well-being to their approval, similar to living in a world where Barbie has a good day every day, while Ken only does when Barbie looks at him.”
Some common traits of a male narcissist include lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Paradoxically, that’s what lies beneath their inflated sense of grandiosity. They are hypersensitive to criticism and often react with rage or defensiveness when their self-worth is challenged. This can create a volatile atmosphere in their relationships.
8. Exploitative behavior
They exploit others for personal gain, whether in the workplace, friendships, or romantic relationships. They may showcase their narcissistic behavior subtly and use people as a means to an end, without genuine concern for their limitations. The same behavior can result in emotional abuse, harming the trust and well-being of those around them.
Dhriti adds, “Narcissistic men often employ a charming facade to butter up those who can assist them, making you feel like their closest ally and inspiring you to help them willingly. They may also resort to using blackmail when it serves their personal interests.”
Some covert narcissist traits males have include fantasies of power. Narcissists tend to harbor grandiose fantasies about achieving power, unlimited success, or physical appearance beyond what is realistic. These narcissistic behaviors can drive their relentless pursuit of admiration, recognition, and validation. They see themselves as high-status people in every way.
10. Arrogance is commonly found in self-obsessed men
Arrogance and a sense of superiority are common traits in a male narcissist. Narcissists tend to have a distorted sense of self-importance, so they demean orbelittle their partners and other people as well to bolster their own ego, viewing themselves as better or more important. This arrogance can create a hostile and unpleasant atmosphere in their personal dynamics.
Dhriti suggests, “Handling a narcissistic partner calls for a strategic approach.” Here are some tips from our expert:
Start by crafting a solid exit plan
Deprive them of emotional reactions, and you’ve taken away their power
Maintaining emotional distance in every way is key
Remember, the best defense is limited contact — Preserve your peace by minimizing interactions
Arrogance and self-obsession are common narcissistic behaviors in men
11. Difficulty handling criticism
A male narcissist typically has a poor tolerance for even the slightest criticism they receive, even when it is constructive. They may showcase narcissistic behavior by reacting with anger, defensiveness, or hostility when their actions or abilities are questioned. This difficulty in receiving feedback can hinder personal growth and the resolution of conflicts.
12. Devaluation of others
This is one of the most common traits of narcissistic individuals. Their sense of self-importance cannot not be touched but they can freely play with the emotions of others. Male narcissists tend to initially idealize someone, placing them on a pedestal, but later devalue them when their perceived flaws become apparent. This pattern can be emotionally exhausting for those in their orbit, as they never know when they will be praised or criticized.
13. Competitiveness and envy are male narcissistic tendencies too
Competitiveness is one of the major signs of a narcissist man. They may engage in unhealthy competition with others and express envy when others achieve unlimited success or recognition. They may perceive any accomplishment by others as a threat to their own self-esteem, making it challenging for others to enjoy their achievements without facing resentment or competitiveness.
Key Pointers
A narcissistic man is someone who is preoccupied with his own needs, desires, and self-image, unaware of others’ feelings and well-being. These traits of self-centeredness frequently lead to a lack of empathy
Signs of a narcissist man include an excessive need for attention, exaggerated sense of self-importance, exploitative behavior, and difficulty maintaining long-term relationships
Narcissistic men typically exhibit traits such as grandiosity and a fragile self-esteem, at the same time
Because of their self-centeredness and emotional manipulation, relationships with narcissistic men can be difficult. Partners are frequently trapped in one-sided dynamics, leaving them emotionally drained, harmed, and invalidated
It’s important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not every individual displaying narcissistic tendencies will have Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Understanding the nature of narcissism is the first step in effectively managing these relationships, whether through setting emotional boundaries, seeking therapy, or making informed decisions about how to engage with such individuals while safeguarding your own emotional well-being. Recognizing these characteristics in a male narcissist, such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of concern, can be a valuable tool in protecting oneself from emotional manipulation.
It is critical to remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder, and not all people who exhibit these traits have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Addressing the narcissism of a partner can help encourage personal growth and change, especially in those who are unaware of the impact their behavior has on others.
While talking about narcissism in his bestselling book The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said, “The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one’s narcissism.” And he was right. Narcissism can, in many cases prevent a healthy relationship from blossoming, because nothing or nobody is more important to narcissists than their own selves. Control is the hallmark of a narcissist’s character. But how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? And how does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead to save the relationship?
You can be sure that a narcissist wouldn’t take indifference lying down. When you take control away from a narcissist, they wouldn’t even let go of you and would want to continue victimizing you initially. In this article, with the help of our expert relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (Master’s degree in Psychology, with specialization in Clinical Psychology), whose expertise includes areas such as relationships, pre-marital counseling, LGBTQ+ issues, and breakups, we will delve deeper into what happens when a narcissist knows he is losing or discovers she is being left. So, read on to get answers to your burning question, “How does a narcissist act when they lose you?”, and save yourself from narcissistic abuse.
How Does A Narcissistic Person Control You?
It’s common knowledge that narcissists thrive on attention. They are people with excessive self-love and a constant need to feel special. They also lack empathy or romantic feelings and aggressively dominate those around them or use them for their own benefit. Research has proved time and again that pathological narcissists show a number of marked character traits. So, people with grandiose narcissism (originating from an innate superiority complex) can show:
But how does a narcissist act when they need to control you? Dhriti explains, “Narcissists mostly rely on tactics of emotional manipulation to control people. They have no concern for a person’s feelings.” And these tactics are tools for narcissists to overpower their loved ones and others around them. So, let’s take a look at some of these manipulative actions that narcissists employ:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the act of making you doubt your sanity by negating your feelings, and narcissists are masters of this act of manipulation. Dhriti says, “For narcissists, it’s all about preventing the victim from bringing up any relationship doubt or issues by denying their truth or recollection of events. So, in such cases, narcissists may use statements such as: “You’re remembering things wrong” or “It wasn’t that bad,” to make the victim question themselves and second guess their own experiences and feelings.”
Gaslighting is a typical narcissistic trait when a narcissist starts losing control over you
2. Love bombing and ghosting
Another tactic that narcissists use to gain control is a conscious mix of love bombing and ghosting. Love bombing is when they shower excessive love on someone while ghosting entails cutting all contact and communication without any explanation.
Dhriti adds, “Narcissists make sure it’s a constant cat-and-mouse chase. When they’re giving you attention, there’s so much that you don’t know what to do with it. They will shower you with gifts, time, and sweet words. They will make you feel on top of the world. Then, all of a sudden, they’ll back off completely and ghost you. There will be no contact and no reply to texts or calls. Even if they do eventually respond, they will be emotionally distant and cold. This might make the victim emotionally insecure and reliant on the narcissist to make them feel better.”
3. Playing the victim card
Narcissists are always the victims in their own eyes. They never own up to their faults, feel guilty for their wrongdoings, or take accountability for their actions. Dhriti says, “Even if the actual victim tries to bring something up that the narcissist did to hurt them, the narcissist will turn it on its head and take that chance to criticize everything the victim does.”
4. Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism that narcissists often use. It entails displacing one’s negative feelings onto someone else. Dhriti adds, “Narcissists believe they’re perfect. So, when they’re comforted with the truth about their flaws, it causes them distress. They then start accusing people around them of doing the same thing. For instance, if they’re jealous of someone, they might accuse the other person of being jealous of them and trying to sabotage them.”
Narcissists are master liars and often lie to make other people look like the ‘villains’ of their story, so as to make themselves look better in comparison. Dhriti explains, “Narcissists lie so convincingly that the person hearing their tales feels compelled to believe them and pity them.”
So, now that we know about the methods employed by narcissists to gain control over others, you might be wondering how these control freaks react when they lose grip on their partners or their victim decides to fight back. Well, let’s look at a few such cases.
11 Reactions You Can Expect When A Narcissist Realizes They Lost You
So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? Well, when a narcissist loses control over their victim, it’s like a child losing his toy. You see, narcissists love drama and they act up markedly when they can’t manipulate their victims. So, when you take control away from a narcissist, they feel they may have lost someone who probably stroked their ego.
This results in a loss of self-importance and can lead to very strong reactions from the narcissist. A simple answer to “How does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead?” is that they can’t accept the harsh reality. And their behavior can be unpredictable. Being the center of their own universe, narcissists tend to project themselves as victims when their partners break free from their abuse.
When you make a narcissist miserable by beating them at their own game, they might initially try and win you back, but eventually, they may display narcissistic rage and cut you off completely. Let’s look at 11 reactions that one can expect when a narcissist realizes they lost you:
The first answer to “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” is that they will try their best to get a reaction out of you or get you to talk. Dhriti explains, “Most commonly, what works is anger. Narcissists will deliberately say or do things that make you mad. For instance, they can reach out to and bother your friends, in an effort to get to you, or say things to you that might trigger you.”
Baiting can also involve making a person feel scared, guilt-tripping, or falsely accusing them of something. A Reddit user, while talking about her narcissistic boyfriend whom she left, said, “He has tried to guilt me into talking to him by saying relatives have passed away or are sick.”
2. Back to love bombing
When baiting doesn’t work, narcissists might start showering you with love, the same way they did in the initial days, but for all the wrong reasons. Dhriti explains, “This sudden love bombing may make you question your judgment of moving away from them because they’ll seem like this amazing person and make you feel great about yourself. In such cases, they might try to remind you of quality times you spent together in the past.” You might feel tempted to mend ways and make the relationship work. But remember, going back to a narcissist in such situations can be a huge mistake.
3. False hopes of closure
When you are too strong for a narcissist, sometimes, in a desperate attempt to get back control, they might pretend to offer you closure or a resolution. Dhriti explains, “They might ask to meet you somewhere or talk on call for closure, and then when the time comes, they might stand you up. When you call them back, they’ll deny ever making such plans and call you crazy. This is a form of narcissist gaslighting. A narcissist enjoys giving their partner false hope and loves to make them feel sad.”
4. Isolating you
A prominent answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or when she discovers you’ve figured out her game?”, is that he might try and isolate you. When a narcissist’s fragile ego is wounded, they will try every manipulation tactic in a relationship, even to the extent of separating you from friends and family.
Dhriti adds, “A narcissist may call up your mutual friends and go around talking badly about you. They might start a whole smear campaign against you to try and turn your friends against you. They wish to create a situation wherein you have no one else but your narcissistic partner to turn to for emotional support.” So, what to do when a narcissist tries to control you this way? Well, don’t fall into the trap. Stay in touch with loved ones.
When you beat a narcissist at their own game, they might exploit that faint hope you may have somewhere in one corner of your mind. This is one tactic that makes leaving an abusive relationship extremely difficult for the victim. A term coined by psychologist B. F. Skinner, ‘intermittent reinforcement’ defines a situation wherein a person feels they have more to gain because they have been rewarded inconsistently. It’s like losing all your money at the casino because the one time you won made you squander away your savings later, as you hoped to win again.
Dhriti says, “Intermittent reinforcement is essentially delivering a ‘reward’ at irregular times, so the person never knows when to anticipate a reward and continues the behavior. In such cases, a narcissist might suddenly acknowledge something you’ve been complaining about for a very long time and make promises to change.” This stage is where you should know how to take control away from a narcissist, by not giving in.
6. Narcissistic injury
Also known as narcissistic wound, narcissistic injury refers to the excessive sense of humiliation that a narcissist feels when they lose control over their victims or they feel they have been insulted. Dhriti adds, “It’s when their self-perception of being perfect is hurt because they realize that someone could leave them so easily. If you are dating a narcissist you would know this often makes them lash out and act in a vengeful manner.”
Close on the heels of narcissistic injury is narcissistic rage. When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they start throwing tantrums. At times, they may even react violently and try to get back at their victims for ignoring them or leaving them. Dhriti adds, “Their thought process is, “How dare you hurt me? I will hurt you more.” It can also manifest in the form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.”
8. Leaving before you leave them
Another answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or she finds out you’re trying to leave them?,” is that they might leave you before you leave them. A narcissist will try and win you back as long as you feed their ego or respond to their efforts to get you back into the abusive relationship. The moment a narcissist gets the hint that you might leave them for good, they will be the first ones to break up. This satiates their ego. But what to do when a narcissist tries to control you is entirely up to you. Decide whether you wish to wait and watch or leave them right away.
9. Ugly revelations
While a narcissist is breaking up with you, they will try and give you a final blow. In the breakup conversation, they will try and cause you more pain in an effort to destroy your emotional well-being and self-esteem. That’s why it becomes important to know how to take control away from a narcissist by not reacting.
Dhriti says, “If the narcissist did something nasty during the relationship which they hid from you, they’ll reveal that to you now. For instance, someone I know was breaking up with her boyfriend and he chose that exact moment, in the middle of her sentence, to tell her he had cheated on her. He wanted the power to hurt her more than she was hurting him.”
When the narcissist realizes you are done, the final breakup conversation with them may also end up in them falsely accusing you of things you may not have done. Dhriti adds, “They may double down on their partner and start pointing out their flaws and attacking their self-esteem.” In this way, they can:
Divert attention from their own flaws
Put the victim in a defensive mode
Make excuses to hide their own wrongdoings
This is how a narcissist reacts when they can’t control you
11. No closure
When a narcissist is finished with you and realizes they can’t extract any emotion out of you, they will end all contact abruptly. Such people don’t have any concern for their partner’s feelings. Remember, a narcissist will never stay friends after the breakup or give you a chance to get closure. Dhriti explains, “Once they realize they’re not going to get any admiration, validation, or emotional reaction from you, they’ll simply get rid of you.”
Does Taking Power Away From A Narcissist Make Them Discard You?
Now that you have the answer to: “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” let’s find out if a narcissist leaves you for good when they realize they have lost control over the relationship. Dhriti says, “A narcissist only wants to be around those who can emotionally validate them and not contest their self-perception of being perfect. If they don’t have the power over you, they can very well discard you, because they don’t see you as a person. They see you as a supply or some puppet who is only there to fulfill their needs.”
But in case you’re wondering how to know if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist, remember, there are always those subtle hints that come before the final stage of the narcissistic discard. Here are some signs to watch out for if you’re wondering if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist:
Narcissism is a toxic personality disorder that gnaws at a relationship bit by bit and destroys its very core. We hope we’ve been able to help you with a clear picture of what narcissistic control in a relationship looks like. We also hope you’re no longer wondering, “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?” You see when a narcissist knows he is losing or she is being outsmarted, the relationship will be at the receiving end of all their frustration and rage.
Key Pointers
Narcissists are self-absorbed people with no empathy or concern for other people’s feelings and love controlling their partners
A Narcissist can employ several tactics to control you, such as gaslighting, playing the victim card, love bombing, and lying
Some of the glaring reactions of a narcissist when they start losing control over you are baiting, false hopes of closure, narcissistic rage, ugly revelations, and accusations
Taking power away from a narcissist will eventually lead them to discard you and cut off all ties. So, staying friends with a narcissistic partner isn’t an option
Remember, even when you are too strong for a narcissist, breaking away from them may not always be easy. Moreover, emotions may be involved, especially if you’re in a long-term romantic relationship. So, you will feel hurt. But when the narcissist realizes you are done, you can be victimized furthermore, till they suck every ounce of energy out of you.
So, what’s more important is to realize your worth and make a clean break with a narcissist before their abuse damages you irreparably. It’s important to note that there’s no ‘we’ without ‘I’, and if the narcissistic control is getting too much for you, there’s no alternative to go separate ways to safeguard your mental health. There’s no point in dragging things that may never work. This is the golden rule of a relationship. So, let self-love take over and focus on your healing process. Believe in yourself and take the plunge.
In 2023, news about Lilith, who goes by toxiccwaste0 on TikTok, went viral when she admitted to having female narcissist traits, which included skillfully manipulating people in the past. She was formally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder in 2021 but now describes herself as a “reformed narcissist.”
Narcissism is a collective term for people with a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD. According to Dhriti Bhavsar, counselor, MSc. in Clinical Psychology, “Some of the identifiers of a narcissist woman are a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, preoccupation with fantasies of success, brilliance, beauty etc. and interpersonally exploitative behavior.” Simply put, the definition of a narcissist woman, in the context of this article, would be a woman who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD.
Learning about female narcissist traits is important, especially if you are in a relationship with a narcissistic woman. Many of the traits, especially in the milder cases, are similar to cases of Borderline Personality Disorder. They can be so subtle that differentiating between the two disorders can be quite challenging, even for a mental health professional.
What Is Female Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The incidence of NPD seems less in the case of women. In the narcissistic female, the symptoms will be less severe, making detection difficult. As to how to identify a narcissist woman, certain obvious narcissist traits in females can help with that. “This may be due to the over-representation of males in research and literature,” according to Dhriti. “Women are likely to show vulnerable narcissism or covert female narcissist traits. These could manifest in traits such as shyness, hypersensitivity, and apparent low self-esteem.”
Statistics show that only 4.8% of females will develop NPD as against 7.7% of their male counterparts. Explicit traits of a self-involved female will depend upon a range of factors depending on the type of narcissism. Both men and women narcissists share several common traits. Despite the widely held belief that more men are narcissistic than women, a study shows that there has been no systematic review to establish the magnitude and stability over time of this gender difference.
Some of the different types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:
Overt narcissist (grandiose narcissist): More common among male narcissists, grandiose narcissism is characterized by grandiose behavior and entitlement
Covert narcissist (vulnerable narcissist): Covert female narcissist traits present as shy, reserved, and insecure
Communal narcissist: One who appears to be very giving and selfless with their time and money, always using charity as a means to promote their image
Malignant narcissist: One who combines the traits of NPD with Antisocial Personality Disorder and can exhibit a dangerous lack of empathy while preying on others
Healthy narcissist: As characterized by some professionals, they tend to exhibit high self-esteem along with other NPD traits, but these do not seem to cause problems for them (these are especially challenging to diagnose)
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Some studies indicate that narcissist traits in females might be more of the covert or communal type, while overt and grandiose narcissism is higher in the case of male narcissists. In female narcissism, the differences may be attributed to gender roles. A study shows that as compared to male narcissists, female narcissist traits include:
Less severe traits that characterize NPD
Less grandiose and entitled behavior
Lower levels of physical aggressiveness
Greater empathy levels
Greater emotional sensitivity
These traits tend to make it more difficult to make a diagnosis, so female narcissists have a greater chance of being misdiagnosed.
It is important to know how to identify a narcissist woman. She tends to exhibit covert female narcissist traits. A study shows that she tends to be less impulsive and entitled in her behavior while also being more empathetic than her male counterparts. A narcissist woman will also tend to have certain distinctive traits, such as being constantly fixated on their appearance and a greater tendency toward jealousy and envy.
Dhriti adds, “They come across as more needy to garner more attention and sympathy from people around them. They are usually less aggressive and entitled than male narcissists but yes, they do tend to be a little more empathetic.”
Here are 13 narcissistic traits that are common among female narcissists. An aging female narcissist may exhibit an increase or a decrease in these traits depending on her age and mental health access.
1. They are extremely self-centered and self-absorbed
Being self-centered or self-absorbed is a primary narcissistic trait of those with narcissistic personality disorder. Just like a male narcissist, a female narcissist has an inflated sense of self and will go on endlessly about herself and her life without paying any heed to others.
Female narcissists will not ask how others are doing
Attempts to change the subject of a conversation will be met with disinterest while they will quickly bring the subject back to themselves
They like to talk about their real and imagined accomplishments, and can be quite egotistical
Intimacy with them can make you think that everything is about them
2. A narcissistic woman will rarely apologize or admit fault
Female narcissists will never admit to being wrong and will never apologize. They will, instead, attempt to blame other people for anything that goes wrong rather than take responsibility for their words or deeds.
A female narcissist will:
Twist the situation by deflecting blame onto someone else
Not care about the effect it could have on that person
Be extremely manipulative
3. Narcissistic women can be extremely petty
An inability to look at the bigger picture makes them extremely petty and nitpicky. Often, a narcissistic woman will get stuck on small things that seem irrelevant in an attempt to lay blame elsewhere. A female narcissist can obsess over the smallest of slights. The obsessiveness can lead to deep resentments that may compel her to seek revenge. The tendency to fixate on perceived wrongdoings is at the root of their petty and jealous nature and makes them come across as extremely bitter people.
4. Narcissistic females can be obsessed with image and social status
While a common trait of both men and women with NPD can be a shallow and superficial nature, this trait manifests as being overly materialistic in narcissistic women. As a result:
Female narcissists are high-maintenance women, overly concerned with brand names and other status symbols that reflect wealth
They are also obsessed with physical appearance, image, social standing, and social media
You should know about these narcissistic traits of a woman
5. Self-absorbed women with this disorder are usually addicted to social media
The self-absorbed trait of a narcissist is exhibited differently in females than in males. Here’s how it manifests in women:
Female narcissists are more wrapped up in their social media accounts and constantly post selfies while publicly documenting every aspect of their lives
All this in an attempt to get more likes and followers online
Their involvement in their online persona is so complete that they may have trouble distinguishing between their virtual and real selves
They would rather be on their phones than spend time with their friends or partners allowing their relationships to suffer from this neglect
6. Narcissist women are experts at exploiting others
An exploitative nature is one of the most prominent female narcissist traits in relationships. Lilith, the TikTok user who was diagnosed with NPD, said in one of the videos, “Everything that I said or did was planned and thought out to get reactions and to get people to do certain things… So I pushed people to really bad places… so that I could have more control over them.” Clearly, female narcissists are adept at exploiting others for their personal gain.
In this trait, they are no different from their male counterparts. However, female narcissists will use manipulative tactics that are different from the ones used by men. For example, studies show that they will use manipulative and passive-aggressive behaviors in their exploitative attempts more often than men. The emotional and psychological toll that is extracted from their victims is the same. These include a sense of shame, feelings of helplessness, and emotional flashbacks. Chronic cases may even experience symptoms similar to PTSD.
7. Women with NPD are extremely vain
Both male narcissists and female narcissists are extremely vain, but in the case of the female narcissist, this usually translates into a huge fixation on their physical appearance. The obsessiveness with their appearance shows up like this:
They are extremely sensitive to any comments directed at their appearance, weight, and attractiveness
The most innocuous of comments can be misconstrued as criticism, making them fly off the handle
The obsessiveness with appearance can result in excesses such as extreme dietary habits and excessive cosmetic surgery
8. A narcissistic woman will use her sexuality to manipulate
Dhriti says, “A narcissistic woman will use sexually coercive tactics such as seduction and threatening to leave. Conversely, men prefer to use a more physically coercive approach to achieve their ends.” If you are dating a narcissist, you would be able to relate to these female narcissist traits in relationships:
Using their sex appeal to manipulate others to their own ends
Wearing revealing clothes and using a lot of makeup to enhance their sexuality
Sexual seduction, also known as “sexual narcissism.” It is a part of their armory and is used to manipulate others
Involvement with people who can help or support them in their endeavors – A kind of parasitic sexual relationship
9. Female narcissist traits: Appearing shy and reserved
Female narcissists are often of the covert narcissist type. This means they tend to differ from the typical narcissist in their outward behavior.
They tend not to be too grandiose, entitled, and arrogant but instead present as shy and withdrawn individuals who are insecure
This insecurity and low self-esteem are usually present in combination with other narcissistic traits that indicate covert narcissism
The shy and reserved nature of the female narcissist may seem at odds with their vanity and constant need for approval
This is why they may tend to avoid large gatherings and prefer smaller and more intimate ones with people they are familiar with
10. Narcissistic women can be super-sensitive
The female narcissist tends to be more emotional than her male counterpart and is a lot more sensitive to comments with a tendency to overreact.
Female narcissists frequently misconstrue what’s been said as they take everything personally, imagining slights where none were intended
This over-sensitive, self-centered nature and low self-esteem cause them to be easily offended and hurt
Their reactive nature makes them prone to lashing out at others
Female narcissists also tend to be more moody and emotional and can suddenly withdraw into themselves when upset
11. They can be clingy and overly dependent
Female narcissists exhibit very clingy and dependent traits in their romantic and other relationships. Dhriti says, “They overly invest in relationships and tend to see their partner as an accessory. The low self-esteem of a female narcissist will make her constantly seek out praise and reassurance from those around her. Without this praise and reassurance, she may become moody, withdrawn, and reactive. She will try to remain in control by understanding the partner’s psychology.”
12. Narcissist women are usually manipulative
Research has shown that female narcissists are more likely to use manipulative tactics such as passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate others to further their own selfish agenda. This is unlike the male narcissist, who tends to be more physically aggressive.
They also frequently play the victim by trying to appear helpless and vulnerable. This trait is commonly used at the beginning of a relationship, serving as a way to lure someone in. Female narcissists also play the victim card to get someone to do things for them. This common trait of the female narcissist probably has some linkage with traditional gender stereotypes.
Other common manipulative and passive-aggressive tactics employed by the female narcissist would include:
An individual’s overall level of functioning is a useful gauge of the severity of their narcissism. A female narcissist with a higher level of NPD will tend to have shorter and more unstable relationships in their personal and professional lives. This inability to form stable relationships can translate into many outward manifestations. Female narcissists may:
Have trouble taking care of their financial affairs
All of these narcissistic traits in this personality disorder do not have to be present for a woman to be considered a narcissist. These traits can be present in a female narcissist in various combinations and with varying intensities.
Also, the aging female narcissist may exhibit an increased level of narcissism, with some experts attributing this increased narcissism to a sense of entitlement that comes with age. The combination and intensities will help an MHP diagnose the type of narcissism presented and its position on the spectrum of NPD.
6 Tips To Deal With Narcissist Women
Dealing with a narcissistic woman is not an easy feat and can be stressful at the best of times. Whether she is a family member, a partner, or a female friend, a relationship with a woman with such a personality disorder can turn out to be quite a toxic experience. Learning to deal with such a personality while also safeguarding your health, especially if you have mental health issues, can be quite challenging.
Here are a few tips to help you deal with a narcissistic woman. In fact, they can help you deal with both male and female narcissists.
1. Get to know her behavioral patterns
Dhriti suggests, “Learn more about NPD. This will help you understand the tactics and behavioral patterns a female narcissist uses to manipulate and maintain control. These will include tactics such as playing the victim, trying to induce a guilt trip, and gaslighting. Pay attention to these, as it can help you identify the patterns of a narcissistic relationship and avoid falling for them. Keeping a diary of these occurrences can help, but make sure you keep the diary locked away safely.”
2. Set boundaries and enforce them with narcissist women
This may prove to be difficult if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, but it is all the more essential then. Boundaries will help lay down what is acceptable and what is not in the relationship, something that will help you avoid narcissistic abuse. Dhriti says, “It is essential to learn to speak up when someone does something uncomfortable. By setting healthy boundaries, you will protect yourself from becoming a target of their manipulative efforts.”
3. Focus on building your self-esteem
Dhriti suggests that you focus on building up your self-esteem and self-worth. This is because both male and female narcissists usually prey on people with low self-esteem, as they tend to be easier to manipulate. Engaging in positive self-talk and practicing positive affirmations, while avoiding negatives in your statements can help you achieve that.
4. Avoid validation and criticism
Don’t feed a female narcissist’s need for gratification. Cut off this narcissistic supply of paying too much attention to their every statement or need. Doing this may only serve to make you a victim of narcissistic abuse. At the same time, avoid criticizing or saying anything that could be perceived as a threat, as they are highly sensitive creatures.
Dhriti adds, “Narcissistic females are often very preoccupied with their personal appearance and are more prone to fits of jealousy and envy.” The narcissistic woman may lash out and seek revenge when her self-image is threatened. It is also important to note that they are extremely competitive individuals, so avoid getting into a competitive situation with one as you may be perceived as a threat.
Dealing with a narcissistic woman is a difficult task and requires a lot of patience on your part. Do not lose your temper, as that will cede control to her, something you want to avoid. Losing your temper tells her where your buttons are. She will use this knowledge to her advantage in the future and manipulate you to her advantage.
The more you lose your temper, the more she will know exactly how to manipulate you to get her ways
6. Seeking help can become important if you want to deal effectively with a narcissistic woman
If you feel that your mental health is being affected by your relationship with a narcissistic woman or that you are being subjected to narcissistic abuse, then you should seriously consider getting help from a mental health professional. Some of the signs you should look for, indicating you need help, include:
Look for a professional who is experienced in dealing with personality disorders, preferably with narcissism. This will ensure that you get the best help. Just so you know, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you. A mental health expert can help you to:
Become knowledgeable about NPD and narcissistic traits
Learn to set boundaries
Learn effective communication skills
Learn how to cope with a narcissist specifically
Learn how to increase your self-esteem
Key Pointers
Self-centeredness, shallowness, and vanity are some of the common traits of a female narcissist
As you get to know them, other traits will also be apparent — Pettiness, hypersensitivity to any criticism, and manipulative tactics are some of the common ones
If you are in a relationship with a female narcissist, you must learn how to handle these traits effectively
This can be done by learning to communicate, setting personal boundaries with narcissistic women, and asking for help if needed
A narcissistic woman can be difficult to spot as her narcissistic traits are not as easily apparent as a male narcissist. There are, however, certain common traits of narcissistic women – Although of a lower intensity than men. They are obsessed with image and usually addicted to social media as it feeds their narcissistic supply. They exploit people using their sexuality and other tools. Narcissistic women are super sensitive to criticism and can be overly clingy and dependent.
Because of these behaviors, their relationships tend to be short-lived. Once you recognize the traits of a female narcissist and identify their manipulative tactics, you can avoid playing into their hands and protect yourself. Be sure to seek professional help if you feel that your mental health is being affected.
Backhanded compliments, also known as left-handed compliments, fake compliments, or negging, are a form of communication that combines both praise and insult in a subtle or indirect way. These are remarks that may initially seem like compliments but actually contain subtle criticism or insincerity.
The person giving these compliments is often one of our friends and colleagues. It leaves the recipient feeling unsure about the giver’s true intentions. Research states, “We predict that although backhanded compliments are intended to generate liking and convey status, they fail to elicit either, because people who deliver backhanded compliments are perceived as strategic and overly-concerned with impression management.”
It is common to impulsively reply when veiled insults are uttered to you, but you need to learn some smart comebacks for backhanded compliments. These will help you take a stand without being too mean.
What Are Backhanded Compliments?
Backhanded compliments hurt people’s feelings. A person could think they are commending your abilities or achievements, but in reality, what they’re saying comes off as presumptuous and disrespectful. Or they do want to be rude to you but wrap up the comment in a way that it looks like a praise, ultimately confusing you.
Backhanded compliments take on various forms, such as insults disguised as compliments, passive-aggressive comments, or veiled comparisons
These insulting compliments are often used to hide insecurity in conversations to subtly undermine someone’s confidence, self-esteem, or accomplishments, while maintaining a facade of politeness
They can be used intentionally or unintentionally and are commonly employed in social settings, sometimes as a means of asserting dominance, but are always uttered as sugar-coated words. We live in a so-called polite society after all
These demeaning and fake compliments could be about anything, like your gained or lost weight, age, hair, appearance, life, job, business idea, or what you wear
For example, saying “Your new haircut makes you look much better,” “You look nicer when you have your hair straight” or “This is the ugliest shirt I’ve seen; only you could have made it look decent” are backhanded compliments because they imply an underlying insult or disbelief in the person’s choices or looks
Another example is when someone’s update on Instagram makes us feel inferior and we try to bring them down with backhanded compliments like “I love that you have so much time in the day to put up these wonderful posts on Instagram”
A form of backhanded compliments is ‘negging‘. It is a classic form of emotional manipulation which is defined as low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances”
It doesn’t matter who you are; everyone has experienced backhanded compliments some time in their lives. This is why it is important to learn how to identify them and deal with them.
As receivers, it is crucial that we recognize these disguised slights for what they are and respond with assertiveness. As givers, we must strive to provide genuine compliments that empower and uplift rather than belittling others. These remarks showcase the intricate nuances of human communication and highlight the importance of both self-awareness and empathy.
23 Backhanded Compliment Examples In Everyday Life
We have some backhanded compliments at work listed below, so you can tell off your colleague firmly and professionally. These are subtle signs of passive-aggressive behavior and include backhanded compliment examples from family members that we all can relate to too. If you’re someone whose instincts hit quite late when someone insults you, we have got comebacks for backhanded compliments as well.
On asking how to deal with such people, a Quora user said, “With a smile. Don’t let it bother you. It is a very passive-aggressive thing to do.” Another Quora user said about insults disguised as compliments, “I pretend not to notice the backhanded part and respond as if it was a genuine compliment – perhaps slightly more enthusiastically. That leaves the person with the option of explaining that it wasn’t really a compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole), or pretending it was a genuine compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole).”
We think that it is important to reply when veiled insults start ruling the conversation. It becomes even more charming when you make yourself comfortable and keep your cool while responding to such folks. Let’s have a look at these backhanded compliments listed below and how to respond to them.
1. “You look amazing for someone who doesn’t wear makeup”
This is one of the major backhanded compliment examples for a girl. What is wrong with this ‘compliment’ is that it somehow implies that the person’s natural appearance is not attractive. The deliverer is somehow complimenting and complicating your life in one sentence.
Response: “I appreciate the compliment, but I believe everyone looks beautiful in their own way, with or without makeup”
2. “You’re pretty even without the need for all that makeup”
One of the most common backhanded compliment examples, and is often said to women. The speaker is implying that makeup is redundant or deceitful, and that people only apply it to try and look pretty.
Response: “Makeup is a form of self-expression; I wear it because I enjoy it.”
3. “You’re quite articulate for someone of your background”
This is one of the most passive aggressive backhanded compliments examples. This suggests surprise that a person can speak well despite their ‘background,’ demeaning the person as well as their race, country, class, caste, or religion.
Response: “People from diverse backgrounds are quite articulate and they probably know more than one language. How many do you know fluently?”
4. “You did an excellent job on your presentation; I didn’t expect that from you”
When we talk about backhanded compliment examples at work, this one has got to be the most common one. You must have heard colleagues or bosses use this one. It implies low expectations from the person and underestimates their abilities. This can sometimes be said by a superior who is trying to flirt and establish an office romance.
Response: “Thank you. I’m pretty proud of my presentation. I knew I’d nail it. What were you expecting, though?”
5. “You’re so confident; I wish I could be reckless like you”
The backhanded compliment hints that the person’s confidence is perceived as carelessness or overconfidence.
Response: “Thank you! Confidence comes from self-assurance, calm, and positivity.”
6. “You’re really strong for a girl”
This is another one of the backhanded compliment examples for a girl. It suggests that women are typically weaker, undermining their strength. This results in low self-esteem in a lot of women.
Response: “Strength isn’t gender-specific; men can be physically weaker than women and women can be stronger than men.”
7. “You’re so lucky to have found a partner despite your quirks”
What makes this comment wrong in so many ways is that it suggests that the person’s quirks should have made them undesirable, or that having quirks and uniqueness is somehow bad. And that the person’s partner is bearing quite a burden.
Response: “That’s what happens in relationships. We both accept and love each other’s quirks. Do you have someone like that in your life too?”
People of all genders and ages have to deal with backhanded compliments in their everyday lives.
8. “You’re not like other lawyers; you’re actually fun to be around”
This particular comment on a person’s profession is one of the many backhanded compliment examples at work. It infers the stereotype about lawyers as dull and unfriendly. Comments like these can be seen in all professions, like “You’re so down to earth for an actor” or “You’re not as boring as the other people from IT.”
Response: “Being a lawyer doesn’t define a person’s entire personality. You know that, right?”
9. “With a little house remodeling, your place would look even better”
This comment does not have the best intentions as it implies that your home needs remodeling to be at its best. It’s coming across as nitpicking and this person is being an ungracious guest or a friend.
Response: “I wasn’t looking for feedback. And I think when a house feels like a home, that is enough for a person.”
10. “You’re so well-spoken for someone without a college degree”
By saying something like this, they are clearly underestimating the other person’s intelligence due to their educational background.
Response: “Education doesn’t determine one’s ability to communicate effectively or compassionately. In fact, many people with college degrees say whatever they want to despite how ignorant it makes them sound.”
11. “You’re brave to wear that; I could never pull it off”
This double meaning comment hints that the person’s outfit is too bold or unconventional and that they are being judged for it.
Response: “Thank you! Why am I brave? I didn’t understand. It’s just a piece of clothing.”
12. “You’re a great mom despite being so career-driven”
They are alluding that career-oriented women can’t be great parents, or a woman could only be either of the two.
Response: “I believe being a dedicated mom and professional are both achievable.”
13. “You’re so disciplined with your diet; I’d be miserable eating like that”
This backhanded compliment implies that the person’s healthy eating habits are a source of misery, and that they must secretly hate their lifestyle.
Response: “I enjoy eating nutritiously; it makes me feel great! You should try it.”
14. “You’re such a good athlete. Maybe because you were lucky enough to get an athletic body”
The fact that this statement attributes the person’s athletic accomplishments to luck rather than sheer hard work and talent undercuts the receiver.
Response: “I’ve worked hard to excel at my sport, and I’m proud of my progress.”
15. “You’re so organized; it’s surprising for a boy”
According to this observation, individuals of a certain gender tend to be disorganized. This is especially said to males as they are unreasonably seen as irresponsible or lazy, whilst females are seen as to have the need to always be organized because it’s their job to make sure everything is in its place.
Response: “Organization is a valuable skill for any gender.”
16. “You’re very intelligent for a woman of your descent”
This statement implies that knowledge depends on your gender and race. And that intelligence, womanhood, and certain races have very less compatibility. Women all around the world have to hear comments like these, especially those who aren’t Caucasian, like Brown and Black women.
Response: “This was quite an ignorant remark for someone who’s white. Gender and race don’t dictate one’s capacity to learn and grow.”
17. “You’re a great artist, considering your limited resources”
This ambiguous remark suggests that the artist’s work is only impressive because of limitations and not their talent. The artist may not even perceive their resources to be limited, but this speaker certainly thinks they are.
Response: “Artists create art from the heart, regardless of their resources.”
18. “You’re so patient with your disabled child; I’d lose my mind in your shoes”
In essence, this phrase implies that disabled children are a burden. It’s ableist and adds to the systemic bias against disabled people.
Response: “Parenting has its challenges, but I cherish every moment with my kids. It’s not exactly sensitive to want a specific kind of child.”
19. “You have a great smile despite having unaligned teeth”
This person is unfairly assuming that a smile can only be appealing if you have perfectly aligned teeth. The fact that they even noticed the teeth and then thought it’s okay to point them out as a flaw is ridiculous. Instead, one should always try to make others smile.
Response: “I didn’t understand. The setting of one’s teeth does not have anything to do with a great smile.”
20. “You’re very successful despite your difficult upbringing”
According to this remark, achievement shouldn’t be expected given the person’s upbringing. This remark may be a genuine compliment in another context, but no one should bring up anyone’s childhood traumas when they wish to commend their success.
Response: “My upbringing has shaped me, but it doesn’t define my success.”
21. “You’re such a good listener for someone who talks a lot”
The remark implies that the person’s chatty nature ought to impair their ability to listen, or that being both simultaneously is not possible. Also, the speaker clearly doesn’t appreciate the other’s conversations and thought this is the best way to tell them.
Response: “I believe in balanced communication; talking and listening are both important.”
22. “You’re a talented musician, especially for someone without formal training”
The other person’s musical abilities and hard work are being underestimated in favor of a mostly inaccessible formal education.
Response: “Music is a passion, and I’ve honed my skills through dedication and practice. As many musicians do.”
23. “You’re a great leader for someone who’s usually so introverted”
This statement inaccurately implies that introverted people are often not effective leaders.
Response: “Introverts actually excel in leadership roles by leveraging their unique strengths. Leadership doesn’t belong to certain personality styles.”
In response to backhanded compliments, it’s essential to maintain confidence and assertiveness. You can acknowledge the compliment aspect, if you want to, while addressing the underlying issue or misconception politely. This helps educate the person and encourages more respectful communication.
Key Pointers
Backhanded comments can be hurtful to people because they are actually insults that are disguised as compliments
These unflattering comments are frequently employed in social situations to degrade someone’s accomplishments or self-worth while putting on a front of civility
“You’re really opinionated for a woman” or “You’ve got such strong features despite having brown skin” are a few of the examples of backhanded compliments and one should know why they are harmful
Sometimes, responding when someone insults you like that is requisite, but it’s also really important to not lose your cool while doing so. Calling them out is necessary but you can do it in a subtle manner if you want to
The true nature of compliments is to uplift self-esteem, encourage, and make the other person feel good through your sincerity, but backhanded compliments do the opposite. We have examined the subtleties of these double-edged verbal swords. They are seemingly well-intended yet covertly demeaning. By shedding light on their nature, we can strive for positive and more constructive interactions in our personal and professional lives, fostering healthy relationships.
Understanding backhanded compliments is not just an exercise in dissecting language; it’s a journey into the intricacies of human psychology and communication. Through wisdom and empathy, let’s foster a culture of genuine appreciation, where words become instruments of support rather than weapons of criticism.
A lot has been written (and read) about the phenomenon of gaslighting. Accusations and counter arguments, such as, “I never said that,” “You have a crazy imagination,” “Stop being so hysterical,” and “I was just joking,” hold so much more power than imagined. They make you doubt your own version of events, retreat into a shell, and even question your own sanity. Subtle gaslighting phrases in a relationship are used to confuse and control. Using them, a person can manipulate others into taking the blame and not be held accountable. And it needs to stop! Every person has the innate right to set their own boundaries and prioritize their well-being. With this in mind, here are 33 phrases to shut down gaslighting and turn the situation around to your advantage.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is defined as: “the subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity.” It’s indeed an insidious form of abuse and can begin subtly and slowly. What may start off as ‘correcting’ your behavior can turn into full-blown invalidation of your feelings in no time at all.
The act of gaslighting is one used to assert dominance over another. Bullies (and narcissists) resort to gaslighting phrases used to confuse and control as a common tactic to play the reverse victim, create confusion, and demolish another’s self-esteem. It can be viewed as a form of emotional abuse and can negatively impact the mental health of the victim.
It is important to note that gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships, not just in romantic ones. Parents, adult children, work colleagues, and friendships can all fall prey to the manipulation tactic of gaslighting (and its emotional impact). How do you recognize you are being gaslit? Well, there are definite signs, but before anything, you need to take a long, hard, and honest look at your situation and be ready to face the consequences when you shut down a mean person. If you notice any of the following, you may be prey to a gaslighter in your life:
You feel confused as if something is wrong, but you are unsure what it is
Your feelings are constantly invalidated
There is a lack of accountability in your life
There is too much criticism
The other person avoids taking responsibility for their actions
If you constantly feel invalidated, you are probably being gaslit in a relationship
What Phrases Would A Gaslighter Usually Say?
Are you seeing a common thread in all the signs mentioned? Do you recognize that a gaslighter operates by identifying your weakness and exploiting it to their advantage?
If you have been the victim of any or all of the phrases below, and you want to know how to stop unintentional gaslighting, it may be time for you to speak out or ask for help on how to shut down a gaslighter to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship:
You are overreacting with your overactive imagination
You are too emotional
Stop exaggerating. You are crazy
You are hysterical / over dramatic / sensitive
You are not making sense
You are being paranoid
Everyone knows you are unstable
I was joking; stop making such a big deal
I am the real victim here, so stop acting like one
Recognizing these statements and seeing them for what they are — psychological abuse — is the first step toward how to destroy a gaslighter. If you have been a victim of gaslighting in a relationship for a while, it may be especially difficult for you to muster up the courage to talk back, know what to say to a gaslighting spouse/partner, or even acknowledge your own feelings as true. But we are here to say that we believe in you and that you can do it! No one deserves to have their own feelings invalidated. So, read on to know how to fight back.
33 Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an abusive behavior and a bullying tactic and needs to be stopped in its tracks at the very onset. It is important that you don’t give in to the abuser. You should nither start believing their comments or changing your ‘negative’ behavior. The only way of responding to gaslighting is by fighting fire with fire. It is time to face the abuser head on and be armed with your own set of powerful phrases to shut down the gaslighting. This could take practice and effort, but in the end, like all bullies do when called out, the abusive partner’s behavior can be defused. Here are 33 phrases to shut down gaslighting in a relationship to empower your own narrative:
I know what’s best for me and will avoid taking responsibility for your actions.
I would like to take a break from this conversation.
I know you are angry. I am angry too.
I’m not responding to that.
I’m making this decision for myself.
These phrases can help you stand your ground and assert your own reality. While they may not always magically halt a gaslighter in their tracks, they can help you communicate better and more powerfully and take care of your own well-being and mental health.
You could even rehearse your replies in anticipation of future conversations
Trust your instincts and respond accordingly
Start a journal to keep track of events and reduce self-doubt
Set clear-cut boundaries about what can happen and what is not acceptable
Have confidence in your ability to disagree with others and not have to seek validation
Keep eye contact throughout to gain power during your conversation
Educate yourself and read up about bullying, narcissism, emotional abuse, and gaslighting
Take care of your emotional well-being through self-care and mindfulness practices
Seek help through counseling and support groups, or speak to a mental health professional
Key Pointers
Gaslighting is the phenomenon that makes you question your own mind and version of reality
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse and can have a detrimental impact on one’s mental health and well-being
People who gaslight tend to use a stock set of phrases and accusations
Once you realize that you are being gaslit, you can respond by strengthening your own memory of reality and fighting back
There are phrases to shut down a narcissist and boost your narrative to not bow down to these bullying tactics
Dr. Robin Stern, the author of The Gaslight Effect, said about gaslighting in a helpful article: “When people are abused, there are signs that you can point to that are much more obvious. For instance, someone who has been hit or threatened can easily see and understand how they have been hurt. But when someone manipulates you, you second-guess yourself and turn your attention to yourself as the person to blame.” We live in times when we can’t even decide what is and isn’t real. So, it becomes equally important to learn these phrases to shut down gaslighting and hold on to our own sense of reality. We need to recognize the manipulation of emotions and bullying for what they are. Only then can we stick to our own resolutions and protect our mental health.
Hysterical bonding refers to an intense and often strained emotional or sexual connection between partners, following a crisis or betrayal in their relationship. In a committed relationship, it’s important to push healthy jealousy by openly expressing your feelings and boundaries. It helps in maintaining trust and respect in your relationship while interacting with others. However, when you find out your partner cheated on you, you may experience a wave of intense hysterical emotions. But what transpires if your emotions suddenly steer off-course? What if, in spite of your suffering, there is a desire to reunite with them, to soothe them, or to win them back? Confusion, loss and discomfort from the hurt of betrayal, despair, wrath, and even violence are all common reactions.
In this article, our expert, relationship coach Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, addresses the issues regarding hysterical bonding and provides her valuable tips to effectively deal with the situation.
Understanding Hysterical Bonding: What It Is And Why It Happens
In recent years, hysterical bonding has attracted more and more attention as a psychological phenomenon, particularly in the context of romantic relationships and sexual affairs. It is a complicated and frequently perplexing emotional reaction that occurs when a person learns the other partner has cheated on them or has done something else that could threaten the relationship. This reaction is marked by a spike of emotional and sexual intimacy between the pair.
The phrase ‘hysterical bonding’ was created to explain the seemingly contradictory behavior of getting closer to a partner who has caused you grief and emotional distress. One partner cheating on the other can be very stressful. Psychologists, therapists, and people negotiating the nuances of infidelity have all expressed interest in this idea. Understanding the causes of hysterical bonding is essential for anyone trying to make sense of their own experiences or support family members going through infidelity.
Let’s learn how hysterical bonding affects people and take a look at some of its long term effects:
Hysterical bonding occurs as a response to significant relationship crises, often involving betrayal, infidelity, or a perceived threat to the stability of the relationship. A dead bedroom can also lead to romantic relationship challenges, causing emotional distance and dissatisfaction between partners. Several psychological and emotional factors contribute to this phenomenon. Here are some of them:
1. Fear of loss
The primary driving force behind hysterical bonding is one partner’s fear of losing the relationship. When a crisis jeopardizes the connection, individuals may experience intense anxiety and insecurity about the future of their relationship. This fear of abandonment or separation can evoke strong feelings.
Nandita says, “Hysterical bonding is a psychological response that can occur in relationships when a crisis, such as infidelity, occurs. It’s a way for individuals to cope with the intense emotions and pain associated with such situations.”
2. Emotional turmoil
The crisis itself generates a surge of anger, especially emotions such as betrayal, hurt, and confusion, and in some cases, even physical pain. These powerful feelings can create a need for emotional comfort and support.
During the phase of hysterical bonding, one partner sees the other in a new light, as the intense emotions and heightened connection reveal both the vulnerabilities and strengths of the relationship. Hysterical bonding becomes a way for partners to seek solace and constant reassurance in each other’s presence during this turbulent period.
When trust is shattered or when a relationship is on the brink of collapse, the betrayed partner often seeks reassurance that the relationship can be salvaged. The intensified emotional and physical connection in the hysterical bonding phase can provide this reassurance, at least temporarily.
Nandita explains, “During hysterical bonding, one partner may feel overwhelmed by the pain inflicted by the cheating partner. Simultaneously, they may grapple with feelings of inadequacy and may blame themselves for the relationship breakdown.”
Constant need for reassurance is one of the reasons behind hysterical bonding
4. Attachment and bonding
Hysterical bonding can be seen as a manifestation of our natural attachment and bonding mechanisms. In times of crisis, humans have a tendency to seek support from loved ones. When handled maturely, mild jealousy can give partners the chance to reaffirm their commitment to one another and deepen their emotional bond.
It’s an instinctive response to emotional distress. In general, a guy’s behavior after a breakup can range from seeking new relationships to taking time to heal and reflect independently.
5. Coping mechanism
Hysterical bonding serves as a coping mechanism to deal with the emotional turmoil caused by the crisis. The heightened intimacy provides a sense of stability and security in an otherwise chaotic and messy situation.
Nandita explains, “The fear of losing the relationship can intensify the desire to continue it despite the hurt. This fear often propels individuals into a mode of desperately trying to salvage what remains.”
6. Desire to repair and reconnect
In many cases, individuals genuinely want the relationship to be sustained forever and to repair the damage done to it. Hysterical bonding can be an initial step toward reconciliation, as it fosters open communication and a willingness to address the issues that led to the crisis. Amid the tumultuous storm of hysterical bonding, people yearn for the forever calm waters of stability and emotional healing in their relationship.
7. Hope for a better future
Despite the pain and turmoil, individuals may hold onto the hope that the relationship can be better than it was before the crisis. Hysterical bonding can be driven by the belief that their connection is worth salvaging and improving upon. According to research, borderline personality disorder can intensify the emotional distress experienced during hysterical bonding.
Identifying signs of hysterical bonding in a relationship is crucial for understanding the dynamics at play during a crisis and the potential impact on both partners. Some people find themselves unexpectedly turned on by infidelity in fantasy or role-play scenarios, but it’s important to distinguish between fantasy and the real-life consequences of infidelity on relationships and mutual trust.
Nandita explains, “Hysterical bonding often surfaces when a crisis, like infidelity, shakes the foundation of a relationship. It’s a reaction to the emotional turmoil and betrayal that one partner has caused.”
Here are some hysterical bonding signs and the behaviors associated with them:
1. Intense emotional connection
One of the most prominent signs of hysterical and trauma bonding is an unusually intense emotional connection from one partner. During the phase of hysterical bonding, a person may exhibit intense emotions and actions, driven by a desire to reconnect with their partner and bridge the emotional gap. This can manifest as heightened expressions of love, physical affection, and attachment. Partners may become more verbally affirming of their feelings for each other.
2. Heightened physical intimacy
Hysterical bonding is indicated by a spike in the physical intimacy in a relationship, thus affecting one’s sex life for the better. When the once passionate relationship turns into a dead bedroom scenario due to infidelity, it leads to hysterical bonding. On a similar note, some people may find themselves unexpectedly turned on by infidelity in fictional stories or fantasies, as the forbidden nature of such situations can sometimes trigger heightened arousal.
When facing repercussions from betrayal, partners frequently seek more sex to reaffirm their bond and dedication, probably trying to get back the impressive sex life they once had. This heightened physicality makes them initiate sex more often, thus offering reassurance and affirmation. This may involve acting like everything is okay, to bridge the emotional split.
Nandita says, “People in a state of hysterical bonding may resort to increased emotional and sexual advances as a positive way to escape the pain and uncertainty. They might believe that by doing so, they can regain a sense of control or normalcy.”
3. Fear and insecurity
People frequently struggle with increased anxiety and low self-esteem about the future of their relationship during hysterical bonding. This makes them blindly dependent on their partner’s decision. A deep-seated fear of losing their relationship might be evoked by the emotional anguish and anxiety of abandonment. Clinginess or possessiveness might be a result of this fear, as they feel desperate and guilty to hold on to each other and stop any additional emotional suffering. And these actions come from a position of vulnerability.
4. Desire for reassurance
One of the most commonhysterical bonding signs is the desire for constant reassurance.People frequently have a strong need for affirmation from one another in case of such bonding. They may experience extreme anxiety about the future of their relationship as a result of the emotional turmoil that comes with a crisis such as infidelity or splitting up. They actively look for reassurance in an effort to calm these fears. The very thought of separation haunts them. They may have:
An ongoing desire for reassurances that their relationship is still intact
Typically, hysterical bonding occurs after infidelity in a relationship. This bonding technique is frequently used by partners to deal with the intense feelings of hurt and disappointment that result from such betrayals. In this situation, an extreme emotional and physical connection serves as a bridge over the gap of betrayal, allowing partners to temporarily ease the stress and work toward reestablishing trust. The bottom line is that it’s a difficult procedure meant to mend a broken relationship.
6. Mixed emotions
Partners caught up in hysterical bonding frequently experience an emotional rollercoaster paired with self-doubt. This difficult and complicated process may cause a flurry of negative emotions, including rage, despair, hurt, and uncertainty. These feelings are triggered by the immediate shock of an infidelity, making it difficult to act rationally. This mental turmoil might cause unanticipated behavior. In an effort to shield themselves from additional suffering, they could alternate between clinging to their relationship with all their might and pushing their partner away. Such behavior highlights the difficult dynamics of hysterical bonding and the importance of communication and understanding in such stressful circumstances.
Hysterical bonding might unintentionally compel partners to avoid resolving the underlying causes of the problem at hand. The necessity for open and perhaps difficult conversations about the underlying issues might be overshadowed by the urge to recover the intimacy they previously shared. It provides some relief from the suffering and an illusion of normalcy amid the chaos. However, ignoring the underlying reasons for the breakdown can be harmful in the long run because unresolved problems frequently recur, possibly causing further conflict.
8. Immediate focus on repair
The emotional turmoil of situations such as adultery or a separation results in a strong desire for a quick reconciliation. This causes people to feel as though they may soon lose everything. They might prioritize the relationship first and foremost as a result, while sometimes neglecting other facets of their lives, such as jobs, hobbies, or self-care.
A rapid healing process is preferred because of a deep fear of losing the bond they love. While their intensity may be a sign of their commitment, it’s important to maintain personal well-being than focus on a probable reconciliation.
Nandita says, “Hysterical bonding is not a sustainable, long-term solution for relationship issues. It’s more of an immediate response to a crisis, and it might not address the root causes of the problems within the relationship.”
9. Reluctance to seek help
Partners entrenched in hysterical bonding may resist seeking external assistance or therapy to confront the root causes of their relationship crisis. They might hold on to the belief that their intensified connection alone can heal the wounds and rebuild trust. This reluctance to seek professional guidance may delay the resolution of underlying issues that may have contributed to the crisis in the first place, prolonging the pain and uncertainty.
10. Temporary nature
Hysterical bonding offers temporary relief, as it typically tends to reach its peak in the immediate aftermath of a crisis, when overwhelming emotions run high. But it may gradually diminish as strong emotions stabilize or as the original issues resurface. A guy’s behavior after a breakup will depend on his individual emotional coping mechanism. Maybe he once actively pursued you, but has stopped now. The ephemeral nature of hysterical bonding underscores the importance of addressing the root causes of long-term relationship health.
In certain instances, hysterical bonding creates an unhealthy emotional dependency between partners. They may become overly reliant on their relationship to provide emotional stability, creating a codependent dynamic and throwing their self-esteem and self-worth under the bus.
This can be problematic when it hinders individual growth and autonomy, potentially perpetuating a cycle of emotional instability if the relationship faces further challenges. Recognizing and addressing this dependency is crucial for achieving a healthier, more balanced partnership.
How To Navigate Hysterical Bonding And Heal Yourself
Is hysterical bonding good? Well, never.So, what comes after hysterical bonding? Overcoming hysterical bonding and healing yourself in the aftermath of a relationship crisis can be challenging but is essential for long-term emotional well-being. Here are some steps to help you cope with hysterical bonding:
1. Recognize hysterical bonding
Hysterical bonding makes a person vulnerable. It is a psychological phenomenon where individuals in crisis experience difficult emotions and an unhealthy attachment to their partner. It’s crucial to acknowledge this phenomenon when facing a relationship crisis. Hysterical bonding after a breakup is also pretty common. Understand that even hysterical emotions, like all other emotions, such as fear or insecurity, are normal responses to such situations. Only after recognizing this, can you begin to manage and address these feelings effectively.
2. Seek support from trusted individuals
During a relationship crisis, isolation can worsen emotional turmoil. Reach out to friends, family members, or a support group to provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and gain perspective on your situation. Make them knock some common sense into you so you don’t end up making impulsive decisions. Connecting with others who care about you can offer emotional support and prevent you from feeling alone in your struggles. They can help you stop hysterical bonding, even in the future.
3. Reflect on underlying issues
What comes after hysterical bonding? To heal and move forward, it’s crucial to identify and understand the root causes of the crisis. Whether it’s infidelity, betrayal, or any other significant event, take time to reflect on what led to this point in your relationship. Recognizing these issues is a fundamental step toward finding solutions and preventing future crises.
Nandita suggests, “While hysterical bonding may offer temporary relief, it’s not a substitute for addressing the underlying issues that led to the crisis in the relationship. Long-term healing and resolution typically require open and honest communication between both partners to understand, address, and potentially overcome the issues at hand.”
4. Prioritize self-care
Managing emotional and physical well-being is essential during a relationship crisis. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as:
Exercise
Meditation
Hobbies
Spending time with loved ones
People should view a little jealousy like a positive aspect in a relationship, as it creates an environment of mutual respect and confidence. Self-care not only helps you regain emotional balance but also strengthens your resilience to face challenges.
5. Set healthy boundaries
While reconnecting with your partner is important, it’s equally vital to establish healthy relationship boundaries to avoid becoming overly dependent on the relationship. Healthy jealousy may encourage people to talk honestly about their emotions and limits, building trust and understanding. Maintain your individuality and interests to ensure a balanced and healthy dynamic that promotes personal growth for both you and your partner. Here are some ways to create healthy boundaries:
Respect personal space: Accept that you and your partner need your own space and time for your own activities. Set aside time for hobbies, friends, and self-care activities. Respect for each other’s need for privacy promotes independence and prevents interdependence
Define emotional boundaries: Be clear about your emotional boundaries. Let your partner know what actions or words can make you feel better, and vice versa. Establishing these boundaries can prevent misunderstandings and emotional conflict
Promote trust and understanding: Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Keep each other informed about your actions, plans, and social interactions. Avoid secrets or hidden policies, as these can erode trust and lead to boundary violations
6. Initiate open communication
Effective communication is essential for addressing the underlying issues and rebuilding trust. Initiate honest conversations with your partner and share your feelings, concerns, and fears. Encourage your partner to do the same, creating a safe and open environment for dialogue. Here are some things to consider:
Choosing the right time and place: Find a quiet place where your partner can have a distraction-free conversation. Timing is important
Active listening: Give your partner your full attention while he or she is speaking. Practice active listening by nodding, making eye contact, and offering verbal affirmations such as “I understand” or “Tell me more.”
Infidelity disclosure details: Sharing infidelity disclosure details can be a difficult and emotional process, but it’s an important step for couples who want to restore trust and transparency after infidelity
Hysterical bonding after a breakup is pretty common, but in cases of severe or complex crises, seeking professional counseling or therapy is a wise choice. A trained therapist or a licensed psychologist can guide both you and your partner through this rough emotional terrain, helping you identify the root causes and providing strategies for healing and growth.
8. Use the crisis for personal growth
View the crisis as an opportunity for personal development and self-improvement as a human being. Explore self-help resources, books, or workshops that enhance your emotional resilience and communication skills. This proactive approach can lead to positive changes in yourself and your relationship.
9. Embrace forgiveness
Forgiveness, while not condoning hurtful actions, allows you to release emotional burdens and move forward. Extend forgiveness to your partner and yourself. Forgiving yourself is particularly important, as individuals often blame themselves during relationship crises.
Forgiving yourself and each other might help you navigate through hysterical bonding
10. Track progress
Monitor your emotional progress and the intensity of your bonding over time. Are you making positive strides toward resolution, or are you stuck in a cycle of hysterical bonding? Adjust your approach as needed to ensure you are moving toward healthier emotional states.
11. Seek closure
Depending on the situation, seeking closure may be necessary. This could involve:
Confrontation: Confronting the person responsible for the problem and making them accept responsibility, or finding internal closure through acceptance and understanding, allowing you to move forward with clarity
Rushing: Closure should not be rushed. It’s a personal journey that can take time and thought. Put your emotional health and well-being first throughout the process
Looking within: Alternatively, the closure may also be internal. It means finding balance within yourself through acceptance and understanding. It’s about being equal to the situation, forgiving when necessary, and giving yourself permission to move forward with clarity.
12. Be patient
Healing from a relationship crisis is a gradual process that demands time, patience, and effort. Be patient with both yourself and your partner as you work through the issues together. Rushing the process can hinder long-term recovery.
Besides couples therapy, consider individual therapy for yourself. This provides a valuable space to process emotions, gain insight into your reactions, and develop coping strategies tailored to your unique needs.
Nandita explains, “It’s crucial for both partners to recognize that hysterical bonding is a coping mechanism triggered by intense emotions. Understanding this can lead to a more compassionate and empathetic approach to dealing with the situation.”
14. Assess the relationship
Ultimately, assess whether the relationship is healthy and worth salvaging. Sometimes, despite efforts at healing, a relationship may not be in your best interest. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being, making choices that align with your long-term happiness and personal growth.
Key Pointers
Hysterical bonding mainly happens in response to adultery. The fear of losing the relationship causes a spike in emotional and physical intimacy between the partners
Fear of loss, turbulent emotions, a need for reassurance, attachment issues, a desire to mend and reconnect, hope for a better future, and even pathological dependency are factors that contribute to hysterical bonding
Intense emotional bonding; increased physical intimacy, anxiety, and uncertainty; and a persistent need for assurance are all indicators of hysterical bonding
Individuals should focus on self-care, set healthy boundaries, engage in open communication, and consider getting professional help from a relationship expert recover from this situation
For a stable, long-lasting relationship, partners must address the underlying reasons of and look for healthy ways to reestablish emotional connection and trust
Hysterical bonding happens in the wake of relationship crises such as infidelity, betrayal, or impending breakups. During these challenging moments, couples may experience a strong, almost compulsive emotional and physical attachment. Hysterical bonding is frequently a transitory stage following a crisis, despite the fact that it might be a natural reaction to the fear of losing a relationship.
For individuals and couples dealing with such circumstances, it is essential to comprehend why hysterical bonding occurs. It is primarily motivated by feelings of anxiety, mental health issues, and a need for comfort and restoration. These elements may result in a more intense emotional bond, more physical intimacy, and a variety of complex feelings.
FAQs
1. What happens when hysterical bonding ends?
When hysterical bonding ends, the intense emotional and physical closeness that follows a relationship crisis subsides. Couples may return to a more normal state, confront unresolved issues, assess the future of their relationship, or experience emotional turmoil. The outcome varies based on how effectively the crisis is addressed and resolved.
2. How long can hysterical bonding last?
The duration of hysterical bonding varies widely among individuals and relationships. It can last for a few weeks or for several months, depending on factors such as the severity of the crisis, the willingness to address underlying issues, and the ability to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy.
