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Tag: emotion coaching

  • Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

    Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

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    Parents can often find themselves more distracted by their devices than their teens. This is especially true during the slow moments throughout the day. Slow moments are those moments where you can be with your thoughts and feelings. During these times, you may be tempted to pull out your phone to check email, read the news, or scroll through your Facebook feed.

    By habitually reaching for devices during these moments of solitude, you miss out on valuable opportunities to know yourself better. You are also a model for your teen’s relationship with technology.

    So what can you do?

    Small changes towards being more mindful of your relationship with technology can improve the satisfaction and quality of your life as well as the life of your teen.

    Being mindful can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing the sounds, smells, or what is going on in your body. Being mindful allows you to more clearly see the world around you, reduce stress levels, and develop resilience to life’s difficult moments. By practicing mindfulness, you become better Digital Mentors, modeling for kids how to give space to your inner experience. That ultimately leads to healthier relationships with others.

    The satisfactions of solitude

    First, it’s important to remember that we are all in this together. We live in a culture where a veil of productivity and successful “multitasking” is celebrated, and the draw of social connection through texting and online is hard to ignore.

    As Markham Heid explains in his article for TIME, “Combine the sudden beep with the implicit promise of new social info, and you have a near-perfect, ignorable stimulus that will pull your focus away from whatever task your brain is working on.”

    But in this attention economy, it is important to take time to slow down and be present with our own thoughts, without reaching for the distraction of technology. MIT researcher Sherry Turkle says that these moments of solitude allow us to know ourselves better, which is an important part of having fulfilling relationships with others. In “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age” she says, “If we don’t have experience with solitude – and this is often the case today – we start to equate loneliness and solitude. This reflects the impoverishment of our experience. If we don’t know the satisfactions of solitude, we only know the panic of loneliness.”

    In today’s hyperconnected world, Turkle says if we don’t teach our children how to be comfortable being alone, they will learn to be lonely and rely on the distraction of technology. Part of your role as an Emotion Coach and Digital Mentor is to model the importance of slow moments and to create space for difficult or uncomfortable emotions.

    Experiencing your emotions

    Sometimes uncomfortable emotions will rise to the surface in these moments of solitude. Reaching for devices when these emotions come up prevents you from experiencing the richness of the full human experience.

    Brene Brown says the degree to which one is willing to feel difficult emotions is the degree to which one will experience happiness. If you prevent yourself from feeling down, you can also block yourself from feeling the delight of joy.

    The act of noticing and embracing these small moments of emotions rather than giving in to the distraction enables you to know yourself better. Experiencing the range of emotions teaches you that you can self-soothe and that you are truly resilient.

    By embracing your own resilience, you can be role models for your teens to do the same. You can start by being mindful.

    What is mindfulness?

    Simply put, mindfulness is the act of noticing your body, your thoughts, and your surroundings. Mindfulness is often explained using the four foundations.

    1. Mindfulness of your body
    2. Mindfulness of your feelings
    3. Mindfulness of your consciousness
    4. Mindfulness of how your mind operates

    Mindfulness is about watching with curiosity about what’s going on inside of you. Below are three exercises to become more mindful.

    Counting and noting

    Find a comfortable spot and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Count each inhale and exhale. When you’ve reached 10, start again. Start by doing this for two minutes.

    Mental Noting is an exercise where you give a one-word label to the thought or emotion you experience. This can assist you in recognizing habitual thought patterns. For example, if you are anxious about work, the simple label of “worry” can help bring awareness to your thoughts and release some of the tension in your body. In moments when your kids are stressed or upset, try this strategy with them.

    Focus on the dishes

    Challenge yourself, even in small ways to concentrate on doing one task at a time. Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal said, “If you are walking to the bus, just walk to the bus. If you are doing the dishes, just do the dishes.” Practice being present in the moment and encourage your teen to do the same.

    Take a 5-minute break

    When you come home at the end of the day, take five minutes to just sit and unwind. Don’t check your email or your Instagram. Check in with yourself.

    Parents are more capable of navigating difficult conversations when they are in touch with themselves. If you don’t take time to decompress, you may reach for a device instead of engaging with your teen in a healthy way.

    At the core of being a Digital Mentor is acknowledging and validating your teen’s emotions, letting them know their feelings are valuable indicators of what is going on inside them. If your teen comes to you with difficult emotions, practice having a stress-reducing conversation with them. It is important to empathize with your teen and support them to find their own answers.

    With your new mindfulness practice, invite your teen to join you in new experiences. Try taking a different route to school with your teen, pause and notice the world around you, and ask your teen questions about what they are experiencing as they witness it. Take time to notice the leaves or look up at the clouds together.

    Mindfulness leads to noticing the world through a new lens – a lens that leads to meaningful relationships with others, yourself, and most importantly, your teen.

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    Aziza Seykota

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  • Helicopter Parenting: From Good Intentions to Poor Outcomes

    Helicopter Parenting: From Good Intentions to Poor Outcomes

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    Do you stand over your child’s shoulder when they do their homework? Do you find yourself directing your kids’ every move? “Pick up this, clean up that, sit up straight, finish your homework, study hard, say thank you.” Do you spend a good chunk of your day obsessing about your children’s success, like will they make the sports team or school play, and will they get into the top-notch college you (yes, you!) always dreamed of?

    I hate to break it to you, but you may be a helicopter parent—a term which is commonly used but also has a basis in research on specific parenting behaviors and their effects on children.

    Most parents want the very best for their children, and so they’ll go to great lengths to be wonderful providers and protectors. The deep love and care that parents have for their children can even push parents to, well, be a bit over-the-top. And helicopter parents are known to be overly protective and involved in their children’s lives.

    The term paints a picture of a parent who hovers over their children, always on alert, and who swoops in to rescue them at the first sign of trouble or disappointment. The term was first coined in 1990 by Foster Cline and Jim Fay in their book, Parenting with Love and Logic, and it gained relevance with college admissions staff who noticed how parents of prospective students were inserting themselves in the admissions process.

    What is helicopter parenting?

    Helicopter parenting can be defined by three types of behaviors that parents exemplify:

    1. Information seeking behavior including knowing your children’s daily schedule and where they are at all times, helping them make decisions, and being informed about grades and other accomplishments
    2. Direct intervention meaning jumping into conflicts with kids’ roommates, friends, romantic partners and even bosses
    3. Autonomy limiting like when parents prevent kids from making their own mistakes and control their lives 

    We all want to love our children as much as possible and protect them from the dangers in our society. We live in an increasingly competitive world and want to give our kids every advantage possible. But if we over-parent and smother them, it can backfire big time. A collection of research in recent years shows a connection between helicopter parenting and mental health issues like anxiety and depression as children get older and try to make it on their own.

    The negative impacts of helicopter parenting

    A 2016 study from the National University of Singapore published in the Journal of Personality indicated that children with intrusive parents who had high expectations for academic performance, or who overreacted when they made a mistake, tend to be more self-critical, anxious, or depressed. The researchers termed this as “maladaptive perfectionism,” or a tendency in children of helicopter parents to be afraid of making mistakes and to blame themselves for not being perfect. This happens because the parents are essentially—whether by their words or actions—indicating to their kids that what they do is never good enough.

    Another 2016 study evaluated questionnaires about parenting completed by 377 students from a Midwestern university. Students responded to statements about the type of parents they have, how often they communicate with their parents, and how much their parents intrude in their lives. The students also completed a number of tests to discern their decision-making skills, academic performance, and symptoms of anxiety and depression. Results showed that higher overall helicopter parenting scores were associated with stronger symptoms of anxiety and depression.

    According to that study, helicopter parenting “was also associated with poorer functioning in emotional functioning, decision making, and academic functioning. Parents’ information-seeking behaviors, when done in absences of other [helicopter parenting] behaviors, were associated with better decision making and academic functioning.”

    Link to social anxiety?

    The journal Cognitive Therapy and Research published research in 2017 suggesting that helicopter parenting can trigger anxiety in kids who already struggle with some social issues. A group of children and their parents were asked to complete as many puzzles as possible in a 10-minute time period. Parents were allowed to help their children, but not encouraged to do so.

    Researchers noted that the parents of children with social issues touched the puzzles more often than the other parents did. Though they were not critical or negative, they stepped in even when their children did not ask for help. Researchers think this indicates that parents of socially anxious children may perceive challenges to be more threatening than the child thinks they are. Over time, this can diminish a child’s ability to succeed on their own and potentially increase anxiety.

    So how does all this hovering cause mental health problems in our children?

    First of all, helicopter parents are communicating to their children in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways that they won’t be safe unless mom or dad is there looking out for them. When these children have to go off on their own, they are not prepared to meet daily challenges. This inability to find creative solutions and make decisions on their own can cause a great deal of worry since their protector is no longer around to help them.

    Because these children were never taught the skills to function independently, and because they may have been held to unattainable or even “perfectionist” standards, children of helicopter parents can experience anxiety, depression, a lack of confidence, and low self-esteem. Another issue is that if these kids have never experienced failure, they can develop an overwhelming fear of failure and of disappointing others. Finally, if we don’t let our children have the freedom to learn about the world and discover their purpose and what makes them happy, they will struggle to find happiness and live a balanced life—all impacting their mental health.  

    What we can do to break the helicopter habit

    All parents know that parenting is not easy. Having children and raising them presents innumerable challenges and surprises, but also immense joy and connection. Now that we know that overparenting only leads to more problems for our kids, we can make the following adjustments in our parenting approach:

    • Support your children’s growth and independence by listening to them, and not always pushing your desires on them.
    • Refrain from doing everything for your children (this includes homework!). Take steps to gradually teach them how to accomplish tasks on their own.
    • Don’t try to help your children escape consequences for their actions unless you believe those consequences are unfair or life-altering.
    • Don’t raise your child to expect to be treated differently than other children.
    • Encourage your children to solve their own problems by asking them to come up with creative solutions.
    • Teach your children to speak up for themselves in a respectful manner.
    • Understand and accept your children’s weaknesses and strengths, and help them to use their strengths to achieve their own goals.

    Fostering independence

    Parents should, of course, do the best they can for their kids. Impulses to involve ourselves in our children’s’ lives often come from a sense of duty, and of unconditional love. We can harness those desires to give the most we can to our kids by resisting helicopter parenting, which can lead to poor outcomes in adulthood.

    Instead, try letting your children discover themselves—their weaknesses, strengths, their goals and dreams. You can help them succeed, but you should also let them fail. Teach them how to try again. Learning what failure means, how it feels, and how to bounce back is an important part of becoming independent in our world.

    Want research-backed tips on parenting delivered straight to your inbox? 

    The Gottman Parenting newsletter is a comprehensive, inclusive resource for parents of children in all ages and stages. Join us as we tackle modern parenting challenges, explore the latest parenting research, and more.

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    The Gottman Institute

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  • Fatherhood’s Unexpected Silver Lining 

    Fatherhood’s Unexpected Silver Lining 

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    How emotion coaching and tribal wisdom made this single dad thrive

    The post Fatherhood’s Unexpected Silver Lining  appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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    Alexander Elguren

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  • Co-Parenting During the Holidays

    Co-Parenting During the Holidays

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    One of the toughest times of year for families who are co-parenting after divorce is the holiday season.
    Let’s face it, it can be a challenge for divorced parents to let go of grudges and bad memories of past
    holidays. For the recently divorced parent, the holidays can be an emotional, stressful, and perhaps a
    lonely time of year – especially if they don’t have new traditions and support systems in place.

    Navigating the holidays while also co-parenting may leave you feeling anxious or stressed. However, it’s
    crucial that you keep the focus on your child’s best interests and provide a template for their view of
    relationships that they can carry into the future.

    Make Your Child a Priority

    The most important thing to keep in mind during the holidays is that your child should come before
    anything else. When you are co-parenting, you might worry that they are not going to have the same
    holiday experience as they did prior to your divorce. Rather than focusing on these concerns, think of
    ways you can create new memories that will bring him or her pleasure and a sense of security.

    For example, when you are co-parenting during the holidays, your child may have to squeeze several family gatherings into one day, and even split the day with their other parent. This is hard on everyone, but consider how this might be especially difficult for your child. Instead, think outside the box and make alternative plans such as opening gifts on Christmas Eve or having a holiday dinner or party the day after Christmas.

    Being flexible around the holidays can go a long way toward lowering your child’s stress when co-
    parenting. Ask yourself if your holiday schedule is child-centered, or is it focused more on the needs of
    you and your ex-spouse?

    Be Mindful of Loyalty Conflicts

    First and foremost, you need to do everything in your power not to intensify your child’s loyalty conflicts
    during the holiday season. It’s wise to be flexible and understanding as you negotiate schedules – your
    child may feel torn between their parents’ two different worlds.

    The mere fact that it’s the holidays may reawaken old worries in your child (even years after your
    divorce). They may wonder “How is my mom going to feel since I’m with my dad this year?” Or, “Is my
    dad going to feel left out if I spend Christmas at my mom’s house?”

    For children of divorce, the holiday season can remind them that their family is now divided and can
    elicit loyalty conflicts because they may feel that they are pulled in every direction and will ultimately
    disappoint both of their parents. Children may worry that they won’t get their needs met and they can
    benefit from empathy and emotional coaching to help them navigate tender emotions.

    Emotional Coaching

    Dr. John Gottman’s model of Emotion Coaching is a five-step method that builds emotional
    intelligence and creates long-lasting effects for children and teens. These steps are important for you to
    keep in mind so you can support your child during the holiday season (and all year).

    • Be aware of your child’s emotions
    • Recognize your child’s expression of emotions as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
    • Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
    • Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
    • Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately

    Show compassion for your child if they seem stressed or worried, or miss their other parent. Remind
    them that it’s normal to feel more stress this time of year and you will help them to navigate through
    rocky patches any way you can. A phone conversation with their other parent may ease their sadness.

    5 Ways to Cope with Co-Parenting During the Holidays:

    • Keep the best interests of your child in mind. Remember that children can usually benefit from time with both of their parents. Be flexible and do your best to ensure that your kids will be able to spend time with their other parent and extended family members. Studies show that children adjust better to divorce if their parents minimize conflict and are more cooperative.
    • Focus on positive communication with your ex-spouse. Communicate with them through email or a phone calls whenever possible because texts can get emotional during the busy holiday season. Be cordial with your ex and/or their relatives and never bad mouth them to your child.
    • Remember that your child is not a possession and that they have their own delicate feelings to deal with during the holiday season. Do your best not to put them in the middle by making them a messenger between you and your ex-spouse. Don’t ask too many questions about their time with their other parent but express pleasure if they had a good experience.
    • Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad or to miss the other parent during the holidays. Don’t make them feel guilty about their time away from you.
    • Start new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for your child. For instance, visiting friends, attending a play or concert, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or enjoying a special meal. Hold onto traditions and activities from the past that worked well. Laughter is one of the best ways to change a negative mood to a positive one. Listen to music, work on a puzzle, or participate in other fun activities.

    Remember that your goal is to create new, positive holiday experiences for your child that will stay with
    them for years to come. Modeling respectful behavior toward your former spouse is key to having a
    successful holiday. Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check. By cooperating with your child’s other parent, you establish a life pattern that provides positive memories that will endure the test of time.

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    Terry Gaspard

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