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Why Do Couples Divorce?
Soft vs. Hard Reasons
There are several commonly reported contributors to divorce. Research reported in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage distinguishes between “soft” reasons – not being able to talk to each other, high levels of conflict and arguing, feeling lonely within the relationship – and ‘“hard” reasons such as abuse, addiction and infidelity. Despite what you may think, the big dealbreaker issues are not the most common causes. All too often the couples report a variation of the soft theme of “we just grew apart”. Another study looked at the role of perceived happiness and beliefs about romantic love in the divorce decision making process. The ephemeral concept of being “in love” versus feeling more general love for a partner influences respondents’ attitudes toward the possibility of divorce in the future, as does whether a person believes it is important to work at both love and happiness within a relationship.
The Blame Game
Not surprisingly, most of the people surveyed blamed their spouse for the divorce, not themselves. Now think about that. If I feel like I’ve “fallen out of love” with my partner and I believe this means we are not compatible and that my happiness lies elsewhere, I may end a relationship and suffer the often devastating consequences.
What if, instead of taking this unexamined path, I were to learn that relationship fluctuations are natural and expected, that the bloom for lust and love do settle down, and that communication can be learned and the distance between us can be bridged? This is what I teach in my 12-week Become Passion couples program. Many of my couples tell me that they were filing for divorce and took my program as a last chance effort – and that they were shocked to realize how little they knew about the predictors of divorce and the prescription for long term relationship health.
Impact of Divorce
Anyone who has been through a divorce or breakup of any committed romantic relationship knows the aftermath is rough. There is plenty of research detailing the dire effects of divorce, but all you really need to do is look at your friends and your own history.
There can be significant negative impacts on everything from physical and mental health to finances to the effect on your children, family and social circle and much more. While few people leave a major relationship lightly, too many may do it for the wrong reasons, or for reasons that are valid but can be changed.
Now to be clear, sometimes a divorce is a wise solution to relationship troubles. I have no philosophical, moral, spiritual or clinical reason to be opposed to divorce – I myself was divorced two short years after the Mamma Mia wedding. But before you make a final decision, make sure to evaluate your motivations and consider the possibility that the two of you can create a more healthy and happy relationship together. This evaluation is very helpful whether or not or choose to stay or go, because clarity can help with your healing either way.
Signs You Are in Trouble – But Change is Possible
Poor Communication
No matter how hard you try, it feels like every conversation turns into an argument. You are walking on eggshells or, in Gottman terms, are caught in negative sentiment override. There is a lot of criticism and the other horsemen have taken up residence in your living room. When you do have a more reasonable discussion it feels like your partner doesn’t understand you, which leaves you feeling frustrated and alone.
Loss of Connection
You are living separate lives, stuck in what I call Marriage Inc. – where you run your household and family like a business but there is little or no “us”, just joint CEO’s making sure the mortgage gets paid and the kids get to school on time. There is little or no emotional connection, cuddling, or sexuality. It’s the dreaded “roommates not lovers”.
Trust Betrayal
Whether your trust has been betrayed by a big event like infidelity or discovering your partner has spent all of your carefully accumulated savings behind your back, or trust has been slowly worn down by a cumulation of broken promises, lack of trust is a major problem that must be addressed.
If You’re Thinking of Leaving
You probably ask yourself questions like:
“Should I get a divorce?”
“How can I get emotional clarity about whether to stay or go?”
“When is it time to let go of my relationship?”
The Cycle of Thoughts and Emotions
Perhaps you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for a long time. Maybe you feel like you are the only one lobbying for more. You don’t know whether to stay or go. You dream about future happiness, yet you know the emotional, financial and family toll that usually follows in the wake of divorce. This state of psychological ambivalence – feeling both pulled to stay AND pulled to leave – is extremely uncomfortable. Spending endless hours in a paralyzing cycle of pros and cons, fear and hope, doubt and temporary certainty is emotionally exhausting.
You want to get away from this person you believe doesn’t give you what you desire, this person who disappoints you, takes you for granted, and frankly annoys or angers you on a daily basis. You don’t like who you’ve become – critical, negative, clingy and demanding. All too often it feels like the right decision is to leave.
And yet…despite all these factors, leaving your relationship may not be the solution. It might surprise you to learn that the outcome does not always deliver the results you hope for. It is difficult to accurately quantify the percentage of partners who regret leaving a marriage, but a number of research surveys and studies indicate between 30-50% of respondents they feel they made a mistake and wish they’d tried harder to work things out. Why might that be?
Regret
For an interesting perspective on why so many people regret the decision to divorce we can look at the work of happiness researcher and Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert. After all, when we think about filing for divorce, we are at heart looking for a way to escape from unhappiness. We believe there are more negatives than positives in this relationship. We fantasize about a better future where we are either happy alone or are happy in a new, better, relationship (with a new, better person than the one we are with now).
However, as Gilbert points out, we humans are lousy at predicting our future happiness. We imagine the future WILL be better than this, but we have no data and no way to know if that will be so. This sort of “future happiness bias” can lead us to make a major, life changing decision based on no real evidence.
Of course that doesn’t mean you should stay in an untenable situation. But given the regrets expressed by a significant percentage of divorced people – don’t rush into it. Consider the decision carefully and mindfully. It’s not as simple as getting rid of the person who you believe is causing your misery. In my career, I’ve seen too many divorced individuals who left a marriage prematurely and unnecessarily – creating a permanent and devastating solution for a potentially temporary albeit very painful situation. I also see hundreds of couples each year that make major improvements by simply doing the work and getting the knowledge they need.
How to Re-Evaluate
If things are not going well, think about these questions:
- Are you in a temporary crisis that may change? Will you feel differently when these feelings settle or are you certain this is the end of your relationship?
- What are the best and worst things you feel will happen if you do stay together?
- What are the best and worst things you feel will happen if you divorce?
- What part do you play in the unhappiness of this marriage? Do you focus on making time for each other, planning romance, creating time for conversations? Are YOU being a great partner?
- Are you willing to seek professional help? Will your partner participate? If they will not, are you willing to seek help on your own to facilitate the possibility that you can learn to approach them in a manner that engages them in the relationship process?
Next Steps
In two words? Get Help. You need to be able to understand your issues, explore the causes, work on communication and connection, and strengthen what I call your Passion Triangle – three key areas couples need to strengthen if they want a great relationship. You can take my free starter course to learn more about these. By actively working on these three areas, couples can build a stronger foundation for their relationship and significantly reduce the risk of divorce.
Take time. Slow down. You are likely in a stress crisis that may – or may not – be temporary. Because psychological ambivalence is so painful you may be tempted to resolve this ambivalence by making a firm decision. I encourage you to stay in the discomfort for a while longer while you evaluate your unique situation.
Take into account that people regret their decisions and future happiness is not guaranteed and there is significant clinical evidence that deeply troubled relationships can recover. Our perceptions are not always reality. Sometimes a temporary separation can help. That’s what Howard and Karen – the couple I speak about in the video – did. They used the time apart to get professional help, then to take my program and learn what they simply didn’t know. Today they are happier than they’ve been in decades, going on wonderful trips to Europe, joining me and the other couples from my programs in Mexico for a fabulous workshop and couples celebration this year, planning surprises for each other and generally living their life to the fullest.
That’s a huge improvement from throwing your wedding crowns into the sea.
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Cheryl Fraser
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