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Tag: Desire

  • The Perpetual Problem of Mismatched Sex Drives

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    Sexual Desire Discrepancy

    One of the most common problems in a sexual relationship is a mismatch in sex drives, also known as a sexual desire discrepancy. This is where one partner desires sex more frequently than the other. The cycle usually goes like this: The higher desire partner initiates sex repeatedly, the lower desire partner repeatedly says “no” or says “yes” infrequently, the higher desire partner gets frustrated and feels rejected and unwanted, the lower desire partner feels pressured and not enough. This leads to arguments, that sometimes result in an uptick in sexual frequency for a few weeks but inevitably returns to a baseline of desire mismatch. And then the cycle repeats itself and the couple is gridlocked on this issue. This is a classic example of what Gottman calls a perpetual problem or unsolvable problem. 

    If a problem is unsolvable, then what do you do? 

    An unsolvable problem doesn’t mean a hopeless problem. When a problem is unsolvable that simply means that it’s a result of a personality or lifestyle difference between partners. In contrast, a solvable problem is situational, like whether you load bowls on the top or bottom of the dishwasher. With the unsolvable problem of sexual desire discrepancy, this is often the result of a biological difference in sexual desire between partners. It’s not a preference, like how the dishwasher is loaded, it is a physiological difference. 

    If you and your partner have a difference in your levels of sexual desire, the first step is to stop approaching the problem as if it’s a solvable problem. Stop trying to find a fix for a problem that cannot actually be solved. Instead, approach it as an unsolvable problem, which is not about finding a solution, but instead is about finding understanding, acceptance, and then working toward actively coping with the difference. Gottman’s communication exercise called Dreams Within Conflict is a great tool to move to understanding. 

    Dreams Within Conflict

    The key to unlocking the gridlock of a sexual desire mismatch is to understand that there is likely something deeper to this issue that needs to be understood. If sexual frequency was not a big deal to you or your partner, then this issue would not turn into such a vicious cycle. The fact that it keeps repeating and has landed you both into a place of gridlock means this issue is a big deal to one or both of you. Use Dreams Within Conflict to understand why this is so important. 

    Dreams Within conflict guides you and your partner through a series of questions to try to uncover the core issue beneath this conflict. Often, with a sexual desire discrepancy, the higher desire partner uncovers that sexual connection is actually about feeling wanted, feeling connected or feeling loved. The lower desire partner usually uncovers the deeper feelings of feeling good enough, feeling accepted, and feeling valued. 

    Before you and your partner move to acceptance and actively coping with this discrepancy, you both need to fully understand the deeper meaning behind this gridlocked issue. It’s impossible to move past gridlock until both parties feel understood. As you work toward understanding, there are a few key sex education concepts every couple needs to know. The first concept is spontaneous versus responsive desire, and the second concept is the Dual Control Model.  

    Two Types of Desire

    There are actually two types of sexual desire, but typically only one is ever taught about in sex education or portrayed in the media.

    Spontaneous Desire

    The first type of desire is called spontaneous desire. This is the type of desire that spontaneously happens, out of the blue. You spontaneously think, “I’d like to have sex.” I think of this type of desire as a microwave. You put the food in, hit a few buttons, and within seconds it’s hot.

    Responsive Desire

    The second type of desire, which is equally important, is called responsive desire. This type of desire starts out from a place of neutrality. You are sexually neutral. Sex is not on your mind, but the ingredients are in place to allow you to be open to being sexual. Those ingredients might be: good energy, privacy, a strong emotional connection with your partner, and feeling relaxed. Your partner then initiates sex and you think, “Hmm, I wasn’t thinking about sex, but I’d be open to it.” And then once the sensual and sexual touching begins, your body starts to feel aroused and your mind says, “This is nice. Why don’t we do this more often?” I think of this type of desire as a slow cooker. You get the right ingredients in place and it takes time for them to warm up. 

    Talking about Desire

    It’s essential to talk with your partner about these two types of desire and identify which type best fits each of you. Commonly partners have a sexual desire mismatch not because they genuinely desire a different frequency of sexual activity, but instead because the way they each experience desire (microwave vs. slow cooker) is so different. Understanding how your partner experiences desire, and helping them get the right ingredients in place, may be all that’s needed to work toward a more satisfying sexual relationship. 

    Dual Control Model

    If your desire, or your partner’s desire, is predominantly a slow cooker, then you need to figure out what ingredients need to be in place to maximize your responsive desire. You can think about these ingredients as either hitting the gas (increasing) on your desire or hitting the brakes (decreasing) on your desire. You need to have more ingredients hitting your gas, than hitting your brakes in order to have responsive desire. This is called the Dual Control Model, meaning that your desire is controlled by a balance of what’s hitting the gas and what’s hitting the brakes. 

    Most of the couples I work with initially focus on what’s hitting the gas to improve their desire (for example, date nights, lingerie, sexual accessories), but that’s actually not the best place to start. You need to start with what’s hitting the brakes, and remove as much as possible off the brake pedal before focusing on the gas pedal will be helpful. Therefore, your first step is to identify all the ingredients hitting your brakes, and remove as many of these as possible. Later you can think about adding gas to the gas pedal. 

    Take a moment and think about what ingredients hit your brakes. Below are the most common brakes, organized into four categories: 

    Biological 

    • Hormones (e.g., menopause)
    • Fatigue
    • Medications (e.g., SSRIs)
    • Illness/Chronic pain

    Psychological 

    • Anxiety
    • Stress
    • Depression
    • Poor body image

    Relational 

    • Lack of emotional intimacy 
    • Lack of privacy 
    • General relationship conflict 
    • Poor sexual communication 

    Sociocultural 

    • Limited sex education 
    • Conflict with religious values 
    • Societal taboos 

    Problem Solving the Unsolvable Problem 

    The goal of “solving” this unsolvable problem of a sexual desire mismatch is not to fix it the way you’d fix a situational issue, but instead to understand it. Build understanding through Dreams Within Conflict, talking about different types of desire, and exploring the ingredients needed for responsive desire. Then work toward accepting the differences. Your biological drive differences are not likely to change, but your ability to better understand them, change the story around them (e.g., it’s not that she doesn’t love me), and work together as teammates to get the right ingredients in place absolutely can change. 

    For help getting these conversations started, check out the sex questions in the free Gottman Card Deck app, the Gottman Relationship Coach – Enriching your Sex Life module, and Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are. 

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    Jordan Rullo

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  • Causes of Low Desire and How to Address Them – Intimina

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    All couples evolve, and with them, so do their sexual relationships. It’s normal for sexual desire to increase and decrease, as it depends on countless factors unique to each person (biological, psychological, emotional) and life changes that affect a couple (responsibilities, children, financial problems, etc.).

    However, if low sexual desire affects your relationship, it’s necessary to identify the cause and address it to prevent irreparable damage. In this article, we’ll explore the causes and key strategies to tackle them.

    The Three-Year Crisis

    When we fall in love, the desire for the other person sweeps us away as if it were a drug, and in a way, it’s due to the novelty and the cocktail of hormones flooding our brains, especially serotonin (a neurotransmitter that regulates sexual desire).

    Serotonin levels spike so much that they create happiness and euphoria similar to the highs induced by drugs like ecstasy or LSD, leading to a form of addiction.

    Serotonin is also linked to other neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, oxytocin (the “love hormone”), and testosterone – substances that influence emotions such as trust, tenderness, longing, euphoria, and pleasure. This explains why, at the start of a relationship, couples often can’t bear to be apart (or leave the bed).

    However, this hormonal high has an expiration date – approximately three years. Around this time, many couples face their first crisis, wondering if they are no longer in love and if the decline in desire signals the end of their relationship. But this doesn’t have to be the case, unless their bond is based solely on sexual pleasure and fun.

    If there is a solid foundation – desire, affection, tenderness, friendship, complicity, admiration (in other words, love) – the relationship will continue evolving on a deeper level, where desire manifests with varying intensity and in different ways.

    What Type of Lack of Desire Are You Experiencing?

    If your relationship is well-established and one or both of you are experiencing very low libido that affects your connection, the first question to ask is whether this lack of desire is general or just between the two of you.

    If the decrease in desire is general, you might be experiencing female sexual interest disorder or male hypoactive sexual desire disorder. These dysfunctions are characterized by a reduced (or absent) interest in sexual activity, erotic thoughts, or fantasies, as well as a lack of response to sexual stimulation – whether physical (such as lack of lubrication or erectile issues) or mental/emotional – causing distress, dissatisfaction, and frustration.

    Although men and women experience these disorders differently, their origins can be physiological, psychological, emotional, or a combination of the three, with a strong hormonal component.

    • In women, fluctuations in estrogen levels (the main female sex hormone) affect not only physical arousal (elasticity and lubrication) but also mental arousal. Estrogen is linked to “happiness neurotransmitters” (endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin), meaning that the higher their levels, the greater the sexual desire – and vice versa.
    • In men, the most significant cause of loss or lack of sexual desire is low testosterone levels – the primary male hormone responsible for regulating arousal and sexual desire.

    Thus, hormonal fluctuations can impact sexual interest and arousal temporarily or over time.

    What Causes These Hormonal Changes?

    • Natural life stages: Andropause, menopause, and pregnancy.
    • Diseases and dysfunctions: Vascular, heart, and nervous system disorders, diabetes, endometriosis, pelvic floor dysfunctions, vaginismus, hypogonadism, vaginal dryness, genital surgery (such as an episiotomy), fatigue, anxiety, depression, among others.
    • Medications: Antidepressants, anticonvulsants, blood pressure medications, opioids, and chemotherapy.
    • Harmful habits: Especially alcohol, smoking, and poor diet.

    If the lack of sexual desire is general, it is crucial to see a doctor to identify the root cause and receive appropriate treatment.

    However, if no medical condition or medication is responsible, or if the lack of desire occurs only within the relationship, other factors might be at play.

    Communication Problems

    The most common complaint in couples therapy is lack of communication and the psychological, emotional, and sexual problems it creates – such as frustration, resentment, low self-esteem, anxiety, emotional distance, and decreased sexual desire.

    One of the main causes of lost desire in a relationship is anger or resentment toward a partner – whether for ignoring needs, being overly critical, demanding, dominant, passive, or indifferent. If left unresolved, this can ultimately lead to a breakup.

    A painful ending that could be avoided through assertive communication – expressing oneself in a direct, balanced, sincere, and respectful manner, without judging, criticizing, making assumptions, or blaming the other person. Instead, assertive communication involves respecting and empathizing with your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs.

    Thus, the first step to preventing and resolving relationship conflicts is openly expressing (and allowing your partner to express) thoughts, feelings, and desires (including sexual ones) in search of a mutually beneficial solution.

    Stereotypes and Sexual Education

    Pornography and restrictive or nonexistent sex education have created harmful stereotypes that fill us with trauma, fear, and unrealistic expectations that we need to eliminate.

    • Women have been bombarded with negative messages about sexuality, the right to enjoy it, and the “appropriate” age for doing so.
    • Men have been taught to associate their masculinity and identity with sexual performance, penetration, and orgasm – placing immense pressure on them to be “sex machines” that guarantee their partner’s pleasure.

    This leads to common issues:

    • For men, the fear of “not performing as expected” contributes to low desire and erectile dysfunction.
    • For women, guilt over feeling sexual desire and body insecurities (overthinking how they look during sex) contribute to low desire and difficulty reaching orgasm.

    It is crucial for men to redefine “sexual performance” – it is not about mimicking porn scenes. Women, in turn, must let go of guilt and stop thinking they are “weird” or “promiscuous” for embracing their natural sexuality.

    To live a healthy and fulfilling sex life, we must replace negative conditioning with messages that normalize and celebrate sexuality as something natural and enriching.

    Apathy and Lack of Eroticism

    Over time, many people lose interest in eroticism and sexual play. They become less imaginative, less proactive, stop fantasizing, and lose excitement over things that once turned them on.

    One reason is lack of sexual stimuli – when we are too focused on other matters, we fail to notice things that would otherwise ignite desire. This creates a vicious cycle: the fewer sexual stimuli we provide to our brain, the less receptive it becomes, leading to greater sexual apathy.

    To break this cycle, we need to feed our minds with stimuli – erotic literature and films, flirty conversations, touches, kisses, and sexual exploration, both alone and with a partner.

    Stress, Exhaustion, and Routine

    The demands of work, financial struggles, parenting, household chores… Living in a fast-paced, demanding society drains us, weakens us, and even makes us sick. Stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and lack of sleep take a toll on our well-being, making it hard to enjoy life – and affecting sexual desire and arousal.

    To combat this, prioritize urgent tasks, delegate responsibilities, and make time for neglected aspects of your life that are essential for emotional balance.

    A couple must also make space for their relationship – separate from work, family, and societal obligations. Strengthen intimacy and enrich your sex life – not just as intercourse but through affection, laughter, tenderness, and connection.

    Simple actions can help – plan romantic getaways, engage in activities together, cook a special dinner, cuddle while watching a show… Nurture your relationship to prevent monotony.

    Final Thoughts

    It is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate, but if it becomes a problem, it’s essential to identify the cause and address it through communication, respect, and love. Sometimes, professional help (medical or therapeutic) is necessary. Your love deserves it.

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    Gema Bocardo

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  • Nicky Romero Discusses Production, New Music and His Upcoming Open-to-Close Show “Nightvision” [Interview] | Your EDM

    Nicky Romero Discusses Production, New Music and His Upcoming Open-to-Close Show “Nightvision” [Interview] | Your EDM

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    It’s been a big year for Nicky Romero, but the biggest is yet to come. The Dutch superstar recently announced his first ever open-to-close solo show “Nightvision”, taking place December 2 at AFAS Live in Amsterdam. The show will take place one day after the release of Nicky’s forthcoming Nightvision EP, which will feature previously released singles like “Give In”, “Mahoya”, and his latest release with TELYKAST and Linney, “Desire.”

    We recently got the chance to sit down and chat with Nick regarding all things “Nightvision”, how his production has evolved over the years, changes in the music industry over the past decade, and

    Hey Nicky! Thanks for chatting with us as always. Tell us about your 2023? Give us some highlights and tell us what stood out to you this year.

    “What’s stood out for me? I think, well, the best is yet to happen, other than all the great festivals, which I’m extremely lucky to play. But, we’re going to do my first solo concert in December, which is the first one in my entire career. December 2 at the AFAS Live in Amsterdam, so that’s going to be something that’s super special and I think I’m going to do things I’ve never done before. So, that’s why I’m saying it’s too early to give the highlight, because I think this is going to be the highlight of my career and not just this year.

    But, if I had to name anything else, I feel like we’ve developed quite a cool sound, like a new sound. For example, ‘Techtronic,’ that was one of the first ones off the EP that kind of did really, really well, which was a new sound that not everybody, but some quite big names started to play. And, I feel like that record is the perfect blend of tech house, but still like almost a big room vibe. I just feel like it’s peak time tech-house, and that is the new sound that I tried to develop and over that, I tried to develop something else, which is the ‘Nightvision’ EP, that kind of has like a similar vibe to it.

    But, I’m still learning, and I’m still trying to find gaps in the industry, here and there. I think that a big achievement for us was that ‘Techtronic’ tapped into something that wasn’t there yet.”

    You’re most recent single “Desire” with TelyKast x Linney is the latest single off of your upcoming Nightvision EP. Tell us what we can expect with the full EP and what new phase of your production does Nightvision represent.

    “So, it’s funny you bring that up because, ‘Desire’ for example, is quite similar production and musically to songs like ‘Legacy’, for example, which are super old records. Where the first breakdown is kind of like straight, and the second drop is more melodic and more based on chords. And that was the same with ‘Legacy’, the first drop was kind of a straight drop and then the second drop became more melodic.

    Same with ‘Like Home’ for example, now ‘Like Home’ has the instrumental straight parts in the middle. So, I tried to bring the balance between like a straight drop that has one note for example, one bass note. When you make it melodic, it comes alive, it brings a certain emotion. That’s what I’m trying to do with the ‘Nightvision’ EP, where records are normally designed to get the crowd going, I try to get that energy and also make a combination with my fundamentals as a progressive house producer. We have chords, changing basslines, that’s what I try and do, and ‘Desire’ was one of the first records, also ‘Mahoya’ to bring that element, but I’m still developing it, it feels like we’re on a good track right now.”

    Tell us about your upcoming open to close Nightvision show. How long are you going to play for and what will make this show so special?

    “Oh, well, I just came from a big meeting about how we are going to develop that show, and what am I going to play, and it’s interesting to give you a few sneak peeks. We’ve been thinking about should we play third party music, should I play records from someone else, or should I make it strictly only Nicky Romero? Either originals, remixes, collaborations, or where I took part as a producer. Records with David Guetta and Rhianna for example, like ‘Right Now’ or Sia with ‘Bang my Head’, or with Britney and Will.I.am.

    Am I going to take those elements into the show, because you want to reach a bigger audience. It’s not only the extreme fans who know everything from A-to-Z, it’s also going to be people that are going to the zoo the day after. You’re going to have a wide span of people that want to see that show. So, I’m trying to narrow down, what do I want to show them, what do I want them to experience? And, it’s also the storytelling of Nicky Romero, the artist over the last 14 years. So, that is something that we’re trying to find out with ‘Nightvision’ that I’m still developing.

    I think we have a really good blueprint now for what we’re going to do. It’s going to be only our own music, and also some remixes, edits and tracks I co-produced and try to bring that together. And, the craziest part about this, how many artists and DJs do you see, actually like, play physical instruments? I’m going to be playing piano, I’m going to be playing drum pads. Basically, I’m trying to show the world that DJs don’t necessarily only press play, and I’m trying to show them this is how a record comes about.

    Like, I can play every record I’ve ever made, I can play it for you right here on the keyboard. And, every song that I hear, I can play it in a second, because you’ve trained your ear so much. And, I’m trying to, not only for myself, but for all of my colleagues in the industry, to teach people that what we’re doing is nothing different from what a pop musician is different, just wrapped in a different wrap. ‘Nightvision’ is going to be the embodiment of that all including visuals that you’ve probably never seen.

    I don’t have a lot of charting top 40 hit songs, but I feel like I have a really interesting story to tell. Because, the beginning of EDM as we know it, and how people conceive the word EDM, where it all started from me, I had records from Toolroom, I had Mark Knight emailing me, or Simon of Defected. Carl Cox reached out and played my records for Green Velvet, I was more underground.

    Now people see me as a commercial EDM artist. Luckily, I’m one of the artists who got the extremely great opportunity to work with such a wide variety of artists. Calvin Harris, Guetta, Armin, Hardwell, Afrojack, Aviici, unfortunately we don’t have him anymore, which is an extremely big loss for everyone. But, I feel like I’m so blessed, and also the story with Guetta, how many chances he gave me, and still does sometimes. I’m trying to wrap that in a story, it could be like a book that’s converted into a movie or show.”

    What’s it been like getting in the studio with Hardwell and Guetta in recent years? Especially since they’ve drastically changed their sounds over the past few years, and it’s reflected on the landscape.

    “The last time I did a track with Hardwell was a record called ‘Beta.’ And, I remember that we did that like very hybrid, in terms of like half his plays, and half my plays. And, then it was just important to become number one on Beatport. In the beginning it didn’t really matter how many radio plays, nobody was going to play electronic music on the radio, other than like Guetta’s records which were extremely successful already. But, I was far from his status, and I still am to be honest.

    But, we were not focused so much on getting radio airplay, we wanted to have a number one on Beatport, and that was just a way to reach an audience. There was no Instagram or Twitter that were active that much, it was kind of developing at the same time. So, it was just like we need to get a cool record and hope that a lot of DJs are going to play it. And, most important, we need to score high on Beatport. These days, it’s just different, Beatport is still extremely relevant. Actually, I think that it’s at its peak again, since maybe 2012 or 2013, which I’m super happy for because it’s a great platform to get your music from. Also, based on the rights and that people actually pay for the product. So, I’m a really big fan of Beatport.

    So, yeah, right now we just want to make a record that makes us happy, we both have our own identity, and I really respect Hardwell. In the beginning, we’ve known each other for such a long time. I even drove him to his shows in his car, just being on the road with him hanging out. And then after that making records and then both developing a career, that wouldn’t have been in my mind ten years ago. But, yeah, that’s why the story is so fun. So, there’s a difference, and right now, it’s just like, oh this track needs to work in both of our live sets, on Ultra, Tomorrowland, or EDC, maybe even something like Lollapalooza or Coachella. How do we create a track which has both of our identities which we’ve developed over the years? So that’s just a different approach.”

    This is one of those ones I usually ask, but what do you think of the state of dance music as we begin to close out 2023? Like the sounds, where do you think the sounds are going?

    “Well, I feel that dance music, I mean, music in general, but let’s narrow it down to dance music. This is something that Guetta told me in 2014, he gave me so much knowledge of things. He told me this music industry is basically a wave, and a wave comes and it seems huge when you stand in front of it. Sometimes you’re in the water in Hawaii or somewhere in Australia and this wave comes, and it seems humongous when you’re in front of it, and you can’t see anything else but this wave, and you think that this wave is going to be the next big thing and it’s going to flood the entire country.

    And, it’s true, sometimes there is a wave that really does that, but in our industry it’s true. There can be one sound so popular that it kind of takes over everything, and everyone is going to make that sound. And, then the next wave is coming and the next wave, and then the trick is how do you jump from wave to wave without losing your identity and how do you stay relevant? How do you stay relevant without losing your roots? Because if you’re jumping too fast people have no clue what they’re listening to or when they’re listening to Nicky Romero. So, how do you keep that brand without losing it, at the same time keeping up with the pace of the dance music industry?

    Because, the music industry right now, feels like it’s moving faster than it ever did before. It feels like a record is out today, and it’s out tomorrow. I cannot play a record in my set that is not from the last two weeks, otherwise it feels old. And, this has been taken to an extreme, but, let’s say 10 years ago, I could play a record that was Beatport number one for six months and everybody would still love it. And now, there’s so much music, there’s so much output that a record starts to feel old after two weeks.

    How is that going to work out in the future? I have no idea. I think people are going to really pick their own niche boxes with what they like, and the majority consumes everything, but therefore the quality goes down. It’s nothing different than the food industry.”

    Do you have any book recommendations? Been streaming anything good lately?

    “I love reading and gaining new knowledge. My girlfriend is always like when I’m with you it feels like I brought an encyclopedia with me. You have the knowledge of the entire world, which is a compliment, but at the same time she makes me look like I’m some sort of doctor that is not interested in small stuff. But, I’m like a sponge, kind of just trying to absorb everything in its surroundings.

    The book that I’ve been reading lately, it might sound boring, it’s a book by Stephen Hawking, ‘The Answers to the Big Questions’. This is very specific, because I wanted to know about black holes. How do they exist, what does it have to do with gravity? These are kind of the questions that keep me up at night. In terms of series, I’m a little behind on Netflix, but I watched this German series called ‘Dear Child’.”

    Thanks Nick, any last words for the fans?

    “This is going to sound very far away from the topic, but the situation in the world, it’s really a sad time, and feels like we’re very much living in a sad time that divides us more than all of us want. And without going into details about what and where, I just hope that everybody can find the space to help one another and to find one another. So, that’s a message that I’m trying to spread more and more. We’re living in such a weird and sad time, that I just really hope that people can connect with each other and we can spread some love again and help each other out.”

    Make sure to check out the latest from Nicky Romero & TELYKAST x Linney “Desire”, out now on Protocol. Click here to get your tickets for Nicky Romero’s first ever open-to-close show “Nightvision” taking place December 2 at AFAS Live in Amsterdam. Check out the official “Nightvision” trailer and get hyped for the show.

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    Mark Fabrick

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  • Experience A Slice Of The Circle Of Life!

    Experience A Slice Of The Circle Of Life!

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    This three-bed, two-bath early ’70s split-level ranch has witnessed eight births and three deaths over two generations. Perfect for the misanthrope who desires a tangential connection to humanity.

    CDC Issues Dire Warning That Nick Cannon Is Feeling Horny

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