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Regardless of background, culture, or ethnicity, couples often face similar challenges: 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥, 𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥. Couples often come to me struggling to discern whether they actually, “have what it takes.”
Research shows very clearly which relational-dynamics can be fixed and which tend to signal ongoing hardship. For the majority of long-standing patterns that do have solutions, the tools and techniques are 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝗮𝗯𝗶𝘁𝘀, 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗲 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝘂𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗮 𝗱𝗮𝘆, and 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲’𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 .
How To Disrupt Seven Outdated Relationship “Best Practice” Myths
Myth #1: Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship
Compromise by nature implies that each of you has to give a little bit up and come closer to the other person’s way, often leaving both of you feeling resentful or unsatisfied. To prevent this from happening, try using Dr. John Gottman’s art of compromise exercise where each partner identifies their flexible and inflexible areas of a conflict to ensure that each one’s dreams are being honored. Brainstorming creative new solutions that makes sense for the partnership as a whole can be a powerful shift.
Myth #2: Open communication is the key
Okay- hear me out- don’t send hate mail yet… What I mean by “open” is that often, we just start speaking.. wanting to share with our partners without checking in on the timing. Get in the habit of checking in – giving the person a moment to turn away from work, device, etc., and ensuring they have a minute to get centered. Also, if it’s a conflict conversation, notice what time it is. Our capacity for critical thinking diminishes as the day progresses.. so often best to keep the big, serious talks for earlier in the day…
Myth #3: Don’t sweat the small stuff
What if it’s NOT that you’re ‘t𝙤𝙤 s𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚’ or your partner 𝗶𝘀 ‘t𝙤𝙤 c𝙤𝙡𝙙’? If it often feels like one of you is ‘overly’ emotional or the other seems insensitive and unwilling to talk, then you may be experiencing the Waffle/Spaghetti dynamic. Neuroscience shows the significant difference between how men and women process and make decisions. Men tend to compartmentalize (waffle), while women tend to make associations and connections all over the brain (spaghetti).
These distinctions do not strictly run along gender lines. In same sex couples and those identifying all different ways across lines of gender and sexual orientation, you will often find one is more one way and the other is more of the other. When we understand our differences it can help us feel more comfortable with each other and not take things personally. (Please note: this dynamic is very different from the very serious relational dynamic of being dismissed, name-called, or attacked. Those are signs of an unhealthy relationship and should be addressed immediately, ideally with the support of a professional.)
Myth #4: Intimacy will decrease in a long term relationship
Umm.. Why? My biggest suggestion—cultivate an atmosphere of connection and romance day-to-day.
– Build in intentional quality time to share and connect
– Keep regular date nights ON the calendar, and
– alternate who plans them!
This simple twist can make the difference between, “Oh, it’s Friday, where do you want to go eat?” and the excitement and anticipation of looking forward to a new adventure, or of getting to surprise your partner. Be creative—and if you’re short on ideas, my favorite resource is The Adventure Challenge—52 unique, fun scratch-off adventures.
Myth #5: Money (or social media or chores or extended family or…) will break you up
According to Dr. John Gottman, THE #1 PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE IS 𝘊𝘖𝘕𝘛𝘌𝘔𝘗𝘛
Negativity bias is a real thing. Our minds are wired to focus on criticism and what’s not working. John Gottman found a “magic ratio” of 5:1 during conflict conversations. This means that in happy stable relationships there are 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. When not in conflict, that ratio increases to 20:1!
The good news is there’s a way to build in the positive: 𝘼𝙥𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣.
Instead of beating ourselves up for saying something critical or trying to constantly remember to compliment or show appreciation, why not have a ritual? Every evening, take turns saying three-five things you are grateful for or appreciate about your partner. It may be challenging, but it goes a LONG way to building a dynamic that’s been proven to ensure your roots run deep.
Myth #6: Double Myth: “Make Sure You Talk Everything Through” or “Preserve the Peace: Stop making a fuss”
In most couples, one person likes to talk things out right away, the other likes to take some space. The solution? Call for a Time Out when you see things beginning to escalate, but decide in advance its length- I recommend 20 minutes or an hour. This gives you both some space to regulate, but within a container of knowing you’ll reconnect for some resolution. Make a commitment to ‘come back’ at the end of that block of time- either in person, or even by phone or text, at which point you might let your partner know:
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I’m here, but I need more time
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I’m here, I’m ready to talk…
And finally,
Myth #7: Never go to bed angry…
Mind you, I’m not encouraging you to GO to bed angry… But the idea that you should resolve your conflicts late at night is a pretty terrible idea.
1. We make an estimated 33-35,000 decisions PER DAY, and our capacity for effective critical thinking is generally used up by late morning.
2. We are coming from two different lenses, and late at night is often not the best time to truly hear each other out.
The solution:
– Remind each other that you love each other, you got this, and you’ll talk about it the next day
– SCHEDULE a concrete block of time to chat and process before you go to bed
And finally…
We are wired to repeat patterns even when they aren’t working for us, so give yourself grace as you try new tools and flip your scripts on outdated relationship myths. It is never too late to learn the science and tools to support us in living with deepened connection, understanding, and love.
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Dawn Smith
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