That’s all changed. “To be honest, I probably have missed out on a lot of dates because of the way Hinge is set up. You can’t search for keywords in your direct messages. You can’t search names. You can’t search by location.” But it hasn’t stopped him.
The longer we spoke, the more it became evident how much his story was part of a growing chorus of power users hungry for romance but bound by the sometimes unfair rules of the game.
Our uneven dependence on dating apps is to be expected, University of Warwick professor Carolina Bandinelli told me when we spoke about Gen Z’s push for dating alternatives. Bandinelli’s research focuses on the shifting cultural codes of online relationships, and over the years she has noticed app makers have gotten eerily good at “replicating the solutionistic ideology of digital technology.”
Even as younger generations bring a new look to dating culture, which has contributed to thinning profit margins for tech companies, “I believe we are going to live in a world where dating apps are very much present,” Bandinelli says. “But they are not the only way people meet—they have never been, for that matter.”
Got a Tip?
Do you have an unusual story about an experience using dating apps? How has the internet shaped your relationship to romance, sex, and desire? Email jason_parham@wired.com with the subject header “WIRED Desire.”
Still, it does get exhausting. Of JB’s 200 dates, the majority were first dates, and he estimates only 10 to 15 percent included sex. “I sometimes don’t even want to look at the apps. I definitely hit the fatigue people talk about. What do they call that? The paradox of choice or whatever.” He takes breaks from time to time, he says, but “then you open that shit back up.”
I ask if he’s learned anything in all this time.
For one, “I’m not shutting the door just because someone doesn’t respond for a week or two.” He believes most people are too quick to cut off a connection. “I try to stay open-minded and not take anything personally. At the end of the day, these are strangers. You don’t know what’s going on in that person’s life right off the bat.”
Just as his relationship to the apps has changed, so has his approach to dating. Immediately after the relationship with his most recent ex ended, in April 2023, “I would just take girls out to dinner, drinks, this, that, the works. I’d try to be funny. I was spending hella bread—like $250 a date.” Now, he says, there is less impressing going on.
In part he credits the change in mindset to rapper turned pundit Cam’ron. “Did you ever see Cam’ron’s response to Jordan Poole taking Ice Spice out? He was like, ‘You spent $500,000 on an Ice Spice date. You’re a munch and you’re playing like a f***ing munch.’” Poole denied the rumor.
“I know it’s a little problematic,” JB continues, “but that became my thing. I keep it chill—pizza and drinks. It becomes very clear if they actually want to get to know you or if they are trying to get their dinner paid for. It’s a great way to cut through bullshit.”
He met the girl that he’s dating now on Raya. “It’s pretty serious. I do like her a lot.” Only, their chance meeting almost didn’t happen. “I was on the fence about going. It was a Sunday. I was very tired. She was cool, pretty. So I go meet her—and she’s stunning. We had an amazing conversation,” he says. They’ve been talking to each other for two months now. “I should’ve probably stayed home and slept that night and not gone out drinking with her, but then I would not have met this girl who I’m thinking about deleting the apps for.”
That day hasn’t arrived, and it may never. For now, his accounts are active. “You never know which date is gonna hit or not. It’s a crapshoot,” he says. “It’s low-key addicting.”
Fall is in the air and cuffing season is right around the season. Here are some great cannabis strains to help you relax and enjoy the hunt!
Autumn is arriving along with pumpkin spice, harvest festivals, daylight saving times and cuffing season. Not familiar with cuffing season, it is the annual ritual where people find a partner to settle into the winter season. People all over are looking for someone to snuggle with during dark months. Cuffing season participants look for short (winter) or longer time partners to enjoy life.
It is thought the term “cuff” originated from the African-American vernacular as a verb meaning to “hook up”. Urban Dictionary defined the term “cuffing season” in 2011. It has been going strong ever since. But some people have a little anxiety around dating, and cannabis can help. Proven to treat anxiety, low dose THC can reduce the jitters and make it a little easier when swimming in the dating pool. Gen Z tends to go for real life encounters, while others still do a mix bag of hunting online. it is a whole lot easier when are at ease and open to meeting new people for friends or more when you are a little relaxed. Here are the best marijuana strains for cuffing season.
Photo by Gades Photography via Unsplash
Star Tonic
Star tonic is a high-CBD hybrid developed from cannatonic and death star strains. The 2:1 CBD: THC strain has less than 9% THC levels and a CBD level of 17%. A few minutes after consuming, the user experiences a mellow onset. Novice users may feel a mild psychoactive reaction.
In the Pines
This strain is another hybrid developed from Master Kush, Pineapple Thai, and Pineapple genetics. It is high in CBD with about 6% THC content. This strain is renowned for its magical buzz and stimulating high. Consumers who prefer this strain say that it helps relieve their anxieties and chronic pains. It is an invigorating strain with a combo of piney and citrusy notes.
Another low-THC hybrid. The developers of this strain are based in Detroit, Michigan. The strain was rightly named after the state’s famous red soda pop. These strings deliver an effect that’s somewhere between euphoric and relaxing. Tt is generally a strain known to put you a good mood. Lab tests show that the Red Pop has a profile that’s rich in terpenes and low in THC. This explains why the strain has a sweet flavor akin to the region’s precious red fizzy soda.
Pennywise
Pennywise is referred to as a therapeutic cannabis strain. Plants in this strain have varying cannabinoid profiles that fall between the range of 5 to 10% THC. The ratio of THC to CBD is often 1:1 or 1:2. It is well-suited for smokers with low tolerance levels and newcomers. Heavy smokers can use this strain to ease back from high-THC strains.
Photo by Felix Russell-Saw via Unsplash
CBD Blue Shark
The blue shark was developed from a cross of Blueberry, Shark Shock, Skunk # 1, and CBD Shark. The most potent varieties found in this strain have up to 15% THC, but most have less than 10% THC. Regular consumer claim this strain delivers a focused and relaxing high that gradually results in a mild euphoric buzz. The Blue Shark strain is indica-dominant and is recommended for day or evening use.
Blue Dynamite
The Blue Dynamite strain is lauded for its calming effects. The flowers have between 6 and 10% THC depending on the cultivation practices used. Its cannabinoid profile shows a 2:1 CBD to THC level. Experienced users reported that this strain helped relieve body pains while also providing a euphoric high.
May these strains help you in on a romantic journey.
Found a Bumble profile that seems like a perfect match? What makes you think so? Maybe they love the same music as you or you both share a hobby. With Bumble Compliments, you can now tell the person what made you swipe right, even before matching.
These compliments can help you catch the attention of your potential match and increase the chances of getting a text back. Read on to find more about how Bumble Compliments work and how to write effective compliments.
What Are Bumble Compliments
Bumble Compliments is a message feature that allows you to tell the other person what sparked your interest in their profile. Maybe you like their taste in movies or you spotted your favorite band’s t-shirt in one of their photos. You can send this text before you’ve matched, increasing your chance of getting noticed.
Also, compliments on Bumble can also work as great ice breakers by incorporating questions into them. Plus, it’s a fun and thoughtful way to let a potential match know why you like their profile.
How Do Compliments Work On Bumble
Now that we’ve covered what compliments on Bumble are, several questions may be popping up in your head about the technicalities and the qualities of good compliments. Let’s first cover the technical details on how do compliments work on Bumble:
How to send compliments on Bumble
You’ve come across a profile that you like and would want to send a compliment to catch the attention of that person. How do you do that? Here is a step-by-step on how to send compliments on Bumble:
Step 1: Find the yellow heart icon
Locate the yellow heart-shaped icon on the user’s pics, bio, or profile prompts (Whichever part you want to compliment) and click on it.
Locate the yellow heart icon
Remember that while you can send anyone a compliment on Bumble, the compliments are considered right swipes. Since a user has only a limited number of free right swipes per day (depending on if they have bought the app’s premium services or not), the number of free Bumble compliments per day are also limited. So choose your matches wisely.
Step 2: Write a compliment
Clicking on the yellow icon will make a text box pop up where you can write your compliment. The maximum limit for the compliments is 150 characters. So remember to keep it short and crisp.
When you’re done, just press “Send’ and congrats! You’ve sent your first Bumble Compliment.
How to send a compliment
How to receive compliments on Bumble
You’ve put so much effort in setting up your dating profile to attract potential matches. Now how do you check the received compliments? Here is a guide on how to receive compliments on Bumble:
Potential match feed
When you receive a compliment from someone, their profile, along with the compliment, will be displayed in your potential match feed. if you like the profile and want to match with the user, just swipe right!
Bumble match feed
If you swipe right, the compliment will appear in your chat, and you’ll have 24 hours to respond to the compliment. After that, your match will expire.
Bumble Beeline
The Bumble Beeline displays the profiles that have swiped right on you but you haven’t yet. Similarly, when you receive a compliment, a notification pops up on the gray heart at the bottom of your screen.
Clicking on it will send you to your Beeline, where you are allowed to view up to 5 Bumble compliments per day along with the sender’s profile. However, people with Bumble Premium are offered unlimited Beeline reveals.
Bumble Beeline
How many Bumble Compliments are available per day?
Initially, the app offered 1 free Bumble compliment per day, but that has changed as of 2024. So how do compliments work on Bumble now? Currently, a user can send 2 free compliments per week—so make sure to compliment profiles that you really like.
If you like a profile after exhausting your free compliments, you can wait until they refresh in the next week, or pay extra to buy some. The current prices for compliments are:
2 compliments for $10
5 compliments for $20
15 compliments for $40
30 compliments for $60
To buy more compliments, you can write a compliment and press “Send.” From there, you’ll be directed to make a purchase. These purchased compliments don’t expire, even if you don’t use them the same day.
50 Examples Of How To Write The Perfect Compliments On Bumble
While compliments help you catch your match’s attention, a generic, “You’re beautiful” may not work. To use this feature to your benefit, you need to be specific and creative to write good Bumble compliments. If you’re not very good with dating conversations yet, here are some examples to help you out
Bumble compliments for a girl
As a guy, you can’t make the first move on Bumble. But you can sure catch her attention by writing a witty or honest compliment. Here are some examples of good Bumble compliments for a girl:
“This is a beautiful pic. The dress compliments your blue eyes really well.”
“You look gorgeous in this shirt, yellow is definitely your color!”
“That hoodie looks so cute and comfy! Where did you get it?”
If life was like a Disney film, you’d be surrounded by cute little cartoon birds.
Your sky diving pictures look awesome! What other adventure sports are you into?
Chess enthusiast? Me too! Can I get a game invite?
You’ve such a witty profile! What does it take to match with a fun guy like you?
A guy into ballet? That’s rare…and cute! Tell me more?
Is that a Star Wars collectible in the background? Which is your favorite movie?
You’ve a great sense of style. Love the color combination in your outfit
The hiking picture looks great? Do you always hike solo or are you open to having a partner?
You give me chandler vibes: Handsome, funny, and a hopeless romantic. Am I correct?
Hello, fellow b99 fan, would you be the Jake to my Amy?
That is such a cool tattoo, I have one myself but let’s keep it hidden until the third date
Your eyes look like a pool of honey. I have a lot more romantic (read cheesy) pick-up lines in store if you’re up for it
Oof, that is one sexy beard! Gives you a rugged look
Sexy and a chef? That’s a dangerous combo
You’ve such a charming smile, it can light up a room
I love your positive approach to life, you seem like my type of guy
Always love finding people interested in rock metal. Can I get some recs?
Frequently Asked Questions
Do compliments really work on Bumble?
Yes, while Bumble Compliments don’t guarantee a match, they do increase the odds of getting one. They give you a chance to showcase your personality and wit and let the other person know why you would be a good fit. The more eye-catching your compliment, the greater the chances of getting a text back.
How do you respond to a compliment on Bumble?
Depending on the compliment and what you feel about the person’s profile, there are several ways you can respond to the compliment. Here are some examples:
Say thank you: If you are not interested in the profile but want to be polite, a simple “Thanks” can suffice
Match their energy: If you’re interested after checking out their profile, compliment them back on what caught your eye
Be sassy: Say something on the lines of “I know right!”. However, make sure to not come off as rude
Send a meme/gif: Memes have become a language of their own. If you’re fluent in it, why not show it?
No response: If the compliment makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re simply not interested, it’s okay to not give a response.
How do you get compliments on Bumble?
The key to getting compliments on Bumble is standing out and getting noticed. Here are some tips:
Make a good first impression by choosing a unique photo
Fill your profile fully to express your personality
Get creative with profile prompts
Get verified to get more exposure
How much does Bumble Compliments cost?
Currently, a user can send 2 free compliments per week and pay extra to buy some more if they want. The current prices for compliments are:
2 compliments for $10
5 compliments for $20
15 compliments for $40
30 compliments for $60
Final Thoughts
Bumble compliments make dating conversations easier by letting you tell the other person why you like their profile, making you stand out. The more creative and eye-catching the compliment, the more chances of getting a match. Also, filling your profile fully helps you express your personality, thus getting more compliments from well-aligned profiles.
Dear Eric: Ordinarily, my friend is loving and affectionate to her middle-aged cat. She takes good care of him, with food, water, and attention. Today, she told me her cat has a condition that requires medical care, but she feels the vet just wants her money.
Instead, she is choosing a less costly homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, telling me she knows the cat may not have long to live.
Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her personal decision. My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised; after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I need to not judge but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help my friend?
— Pet Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: Oh, I feel so sad for this cat and for your friend. It sounds like your friend is making the best decision she can, given her financial circumstances. I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a corner. To wit, if she feels she can’t rely on the vet for good advice, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.
In terms of re-framing, it might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners. Your local No-Kill shelter or nonprofit is a good place to start searching for resources.
If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.
Dear Eric: My husband died 11 years ago. He was the greatest love of my life (so far?). Things became really bad two years before he passed due to his alcoholism.
When we met, both of us were clean and sober. About four or five years later, during a romantic weekend, we both lost our sobriety. However, nothing changed between us or our relationship. We only drank on weekends after our son was in bed, and we never frequented bars. We drank at home. His drinking escalated quickly, especially after his father died. Things between us went downhill from there.
Eventually, I realized I had to leave. But when I found out he had three to six months to live, I moved back to take care of him.
Since he died, I have not only struggled to survive financially, but I struggle with moving on emotionally. I haven’t dated or sought any relationship with any man. I don’t trust any man who shows an interest in me.
I want to be happy again. I want to feel that joy, enthusiasm and lust for life, and find someone to share that with! I know something has got to be wrong with me if I’m rejecting men who want to know me.
Should I seek a therapist or just accept that I might be too messed up to move on?
— Stuck in Grief
Dear Stuck: You are not too messed up. You are suffering, yes. You are dealing with a lot, even 11 years later, yes. But you aren’t broken beyond repair.
If you haven’t been already, please see if an Al-Anon meeting or a Smart Recovery Family meeting feels right to you. As you know, alcoholism is a family disease and his drinking affected you, even when you were drinking, too. Maybe you’re feeling guilt, blame, anger, or codependency and those feelings are keeping you from moving forward in your life and in other relationships.
The whirlwind of the dissolution of your marriage and his death blew up your life. Without processing your feelings around it, it’s going to be hard to move ahead. Seek out the free resources mentioned above to begin the journey. They may also be able to point you to free or sliding-scale therapy, where you can get more specific in your healing journey.
Don’t feel that you need to jump back into the dating pool too quickly. Time takes time. But the fact that you’re reaching out, that you’ve expressed such a strong desire to connect, indicates that you’re ready to let some of this go in favor of a more healed future. I wish you luck.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
The modern dating landscape is filled with new terminology for non-traditional relationships, situationships and friends with benefits (or a FWB relationship) being two of them. If you are not caught up with such trends, it may be difficult to understand what both these relationships mean. In fact, even a person familiar with these terms may not be able to differentiate between a situationship vs friends with benefits.
So, here we’ve curated the answers to questions such as ‘what is a situationship?’, ‘what is friends with benefits meaning?, and ‘what is the difference between situationship and friends with benefits?’.
What Is A Situationship
A situationship is a type of relationship with no clear definition. No official commitment is made in this arrangement.
The couple may go on dates, get intimate, and do other couple activities, but the relationship is not given any name. They are not exclusively dating, but it is clear that they are more than friends. So if you’re not sure about your relationship status and find yourself wondering, “Am I in a situationship?”, you probably are.
Most often than not, this ambiguity ends up hurting one of the participants of the relationship. When the relationship boundaries are not defined, one person eventually develops greater expectations and feelings than the other person, and ends up getting disappointed.
Situationship rules
Now that we’ve established that there is a lot of ambiguity in situationships, here are some situationship rules you should know about when considering such a relationship.
Focus on other aspects of your life as well: A situationship is most often just a fleeting connection. Treat it that way — Don’t make it the center of your universe
See other people: If it is not an exclusivity relationship, you are allowed to explore other options without feeling guilty
Don’t ask, don’t tell: Your partner doesn’t need to know who you are seeing and vice versa
Now let’s discuss friends with benefits meaning. In an FWB relationship, the participants view themselves as just friends, with the exception of being physically intimate with one another. Similar to a situationship, there is no commitment between them. They may enjoy spending time together but not in a romantic way.
Friends with benefits can enjoy spending time together
Now that we’ve discussed what is a FWB, it is clear that despite being more defined than a situationship, it is still a difficult terrain to navigate. Similar to the situationship rules, we’ve curated these friends with benefits rules to help you protect yourself:
Select the right partner. Go for someone who arouses you physically but you don’t feel an intense emotional connection to them.
Set clear boundaries: Be aware of each other’s expectations before you enter a friends with benefits relationship
Limit any form of emotional vulnerability to a minimum, lest you develop any unwanted feelings
Protection is a must: STIs don’t care if your relationship is official or not
Avoid sleepovers: Having pillow talk is a slippery slope, and getting breakfast together is definitely a couple activity
Explore your fantasies: It’s a no judgment zone, make the most of it! (with consent, of course)
Situationship Vs Friends With Benefits: Similarities
Situationship vs friends with benefits can be difficult to differentiate sometimes. This is because, despite being different types of relationships, they do display some similarities. Here are some examples:
Casual relationships
Situationships and FWBs are both casual relationships where no commitment or romance is involved. This Reddit post asked people what casual relationships meant to them and these are some features that were commonly answered:
No commitment
Short-term
Not necessarily monogamous
Less frequent dates than one would expect in a committed relationship
Not introducing your partner to friends and family as it’s not a serious relationship
Of course, the terms of the relationship could differ from person to person, but these are some commonly seen characteristics of casual relationships.
Both these relationships include physical aspects. FWBs are mainly only sexual, as is clear in the name. These partners are no more than friends in the emotional sense.
Similarly most situationships also involve physical intimacy. There may or may not be an emotional connection but the most, if not all, situationships contain some form of sexual activities.
No future plans
In both situationships and friends with benefits, the participants prioritize enjoying the moment rather than planning a future together. They follow a “Go-with-the-flow” mindset.
Both these relationships don’t involve any expectations of a long-term commitment such as living together or getting married. In fact, most people choose casual relationships precisely because there is no pressure to commit.
We’ve already discussed how situationships are ambiguous. The lack of boundaries and communication makes situationships a guessing game for both the partners, resulting in a lot of confusion.
Even FWBs, if boundaries are not clearly set, can lead to miscommunication and unfulfilled expectations. Thus, both these relationships can lead to heartbreak if one of the partners ends up developing feelings for the other.
Situationship vs friends with benefit
Situationship Vs Friends With Benefits: Differences
In a situationship, the only definite factor is that the partners are more than friends. No other element is defined. You may go on dates, do other couple activities, cuddle or even have sex. Each situationship could be different.
The problem is that these elements are not even discussed between the partners. Thus, while one partner may be content with some casual flirting and occasional dates, the other may be expecting more.
On the other hand, friends with benefits meaning is well-defined. Both the partners know what they want from the relationship and have communicated it with the other person. Let’s discuss the difference between situationship and friends with benefits.
The major difference between situationships and FWBs is that unlike situationships, FWBs put a label on their relationship. The answer to ‘what is a FWB’ is clear and well-defined — it is clear that you want to remain friends with the added benefit of physical intimacy.
On the other hand, one of the major situationship red flags is that they are ambiguous and sometimes people don’t even know that they are in one, because there is no label given to their relationship.
Expectations from each other
Another key difference is the clarity of expectations. In a friends with benefits relationship, both partners often understand what is being expected of them in the relationship. In a situationship, however, expectations are often unclear since they are never discussed in the first place.
For example, my coworker, Ashley, was in a situationship with a guy, who didn’t ask her out on dates. It made her upset all the time that he would directly ask her for hookups without planning any sort of date or activity together. She couldn’t ask him though, as they had not made any commitment and thus, had no obligations to each other.
When encouraged by friends, she finally had a conversation with him. Turns out he was viewing it as only a sexual relationship and thought Ashley did the same. As you may have guessed, things did not end well.
A FWB arrangement is purely physical. Both parties agree from the beginning to keep things casual and make no room for any emotional connection. On the contrary, if you’re asking yourself, “Am I in a situationship?” chances are that you are feeling some form of deep emotional connection and possibly romantic feelings. These feelings make things more complicated. especially if one-sided.
Boundaries
Continuing the theme of clarity, A FWB arrangement often includes clear boundaries set in the beginning of the relationship, such as the frequency of physical intimacy, whether to make the relationship public, and maybe a set duration for the relationship as well.
On the other hand, situationships mostly operate on the go-with-the-flow basis, leaving a lot of factors undefined. This is one of the situationship red flags that make the participants miserable. It leads to a “Will we, won’t we” conundrum for the one that develops feelings.
Exclusivity
In most FWB arrangements, the partners allow each other to see other people, as their relationship is purely physical and no emotional commitment is made. However, a situationship, being undefined, makes it difficult for the partner to determine if there is a commitment or not as they’ve not discussed it among themselves.
Key Pointers
Situationships are relationships with lot of undefined elements; they have no label, and exclusivity and expectations are not discussed between the partners
Friends with benefits relationships often have well-defined boundaries
FWB relationships are purely physical and include no deep emotional connection
Nevertheless, both relationships contain a risk of developing feelings and getting your heart broken
Final Thoughts
While situationships and friends with benefits are similar in some aspects, they are different in many ways. A FWB arrangement is well-defined, with set boundaries and expectations. A situationship, however, is ambiguous in these matters. Nevertheless, whether dealing with a FWB or a situationship, one needs to be careful and avoid developing an emotional attachment.
Dear Eric: My sister was engaged to a guy, “Peter.” I’ve known Peter for a long time. Not long before the wedding, she broke the engagement because she met someone else, “Rick.”
She married Rick and they moved away. Peter and I have never really spoken about my sister or what happened, but I know he was deeply hurt. I’ve not heard of him dating anyone since then.
Peter knows she married Rick but she’s not on social media so he may not even know that, in the last three years, they have had two children and just found out she’s pregnant with twins. My sister and Rick are moving back to the area. It’s a small enough place that it’s only a matter of time before they cross paths.
I’d like to say something to Peter. My husband says to keep well out of it, they’re all adults and will have to work it out for themselves. I know I’d like to be prepared if I were in Peter’s shoes. What do you think?
— Bad News Bearer
Dear Bearer: Stay out of it and let Peter take his chances with kismet, coincidence, and all the other cosmic forces that bring exes together at the best/worst possible moments in rom-coms and nighttime soap opera cliffhangers.
While you’ve known Peter for a while, you write that you haven’t heard about him dating other people. If you were close, he’d tell you himself.
So, he may not be at a point, emotionally, where your sister’s happy home life will devastate him anymore. Or, if he is still tender, hearing the news from you might feel just as bad as stumbling upon it himself. Leave him be and let the plot mechanics of small-town life do what they will.
Dear Eric: While shopping at Costco, I witnessed a woman in her 40s, who appeared to be struggling with a large, heavy box on a high shelf. As she attempted to remove it, the box slipped and fell in front of me.
I hesitated to help, partly out of concern for my own safety in lifting something potentially heavy, and partly because I wasn’t sure how to react. I also thought she could have asked an employee for help, which is what I would have done. By the way, I’m a petite Asian woman in my late 50s, and the lady who dropped the box was a white woman.
As I walked away, she confronted me, saying she would have offered to help if the roles were reversed. This made me feel guilty, so I offered to assist her, but she declined and walked away upset. I’m left wondering if I was wrong not to help her immediately and if it’s fair for her to have confronted me like that. Additionally, I’m curious if the racial dynamics might have played a role in my reaction or her response.
— Hesitant Helper
Dear Helper: One thing is for sure: the lawyers who handle liability for the Costco corporation would have greatly preferred that the woman ask an employee for help with the heavy box instead of trying to wrangle it down herself.
Other things are less clear. We’ll never know if your race was a motivator for her, consciously or unconsciously. But, as a person of color, being yelled at in public like that possibly brought up hard emotions for you from other experiences that were more overtly racialized. It’s healthy to process that.
I’m unsure when she wanted your help — while getting the box down or when trying to pick it back up. Either way, her decision-making has nothing to do with you. What if you had a bad back? What if you’d just gotten a manicure? One is never going to go wrong asking another person “Do you want help?” But you can also communicate clearly about what help is possible if it’s asked for. “I don’t feel safe supporting that box, but if you push it back and wait, I can grab an employee.”
Dear Eric: Your advice to Willed to Give (August 3) may have omitted a key point. The stepson supposedly “whined” his mother into changing her will on her “deathbed”. This has the earmarks of undue influence and other potential legal issues. The daughters would be well advised to see an estate litigation attorney to review these suspicious facts.
— Reader
Dear Reader: I should have been more precise with my language. I wrote that the will was unchangeable. That’s not true. The daughters can contest, even if the letter writer can’t.
Willed to Give can give the above advice to his daughters, but I’d caution him against getting any more involved in the situation, as his unwilling involvement was the problem he wrote in about in the first place.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Friendships come in all forms from all different seasons of life. Your childhood friends, those you grew up with since elementary school, to those you played sports with during high school. Then comes college friends, roommates, friends of friends, not to mention friendships you may develop with co-workers or any other groups you belong with. If you are involved in your church, there are people within the church you become friends with and then you have all your spouse’s friends or friends with the parents your children play with. We will have friends there for our lifetime, and then some friends will only be there for a season. In any case, the question is when you are a believer, how do you share a deep friendship with a non-believer?
Jesus was our greatest example, and I’m so thankful we can look at his Word and his time on Earth for truth to help navigate life. When we think of Jesus’s life, we know that He was the Messiah who loved and healed everyone who encountered Him. He loved the masses of people and touched everyone who had the privilege to spend time with Him. He even loved the unbelieving, the sinners, and those cast out from society, like women or those with physical diseases. He embodied loving everyone – which included non-believers.
However, those He spent the most time with, day in and day for three years throughout His ministry, were His chosen twelve disciples. These were the people He had His deepest friendships with. They were all believers of Him and chose to leave their current lives and start living according to Jesus’ way as they walked with Him in His ministry. Even after Jesus died on the cross, the disciples continued believing and spreading the message of Jesus as the Messiah to the world.
Jesus loved all, but his closest friends were twelve believers. However, if you take it a step further, He then narrowed down his inner circle to three of the twelve disciples – Peter, James, and John. Many theologians believe that these were his closest and deepest friendships as they were the three who were with him the longest (Luke 5:4-11), and these three were present with Jesus during special events. They were eyewitnesses of Jesus’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-3). They witnessed Jesus raising Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8:49-56). And one of the most intimate settings for Jesus was when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His death on the cross, and it was these three men who accompanied Him in the garden while He prayed (Matthew 26:37). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments and His darkest trials.
So, what did Jesus do? He loved all and loved many, He spent His days with 12 other believers, and He had three close friends by His side in all the major moments—in which all of them were strong believers.
Jesus gives us an example of who to have deep friendships with. However, many of us have deep friendships with unbelievers right now, and in no way, am I saying you need to cut all your non-believing friends out of your life. Or maybe you are married to an unbeliever as perhaps you came to know the Lord after marriage. But looking at Jesus’ life as an example is something to consider as you seek out truth in the Bible and pray for how to navigate any relationships you are in with unbelievers.
The Caution of Having Deep Friendships with Non-Believers
The Bible is full of wisdom on befriending non-believers. Proverbs 12:26 says that “the righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” The more time you spend with someone, the more you can become like them. Having deep friendships with unbelievers, we could easily be setting ourselves up to talk like them, think like them, act like them, and fall into sin like them. Of course, as believers, we all fall short as well, and in no way should we judge others. But the more you share deep friendships with unbelievers, the more you can be influenced by them.
Ask yourself if those you have deep friendships with are leading you astray – in other words, are they pointing you away from the Lord or pointing you towards Him? Do you gossip with them, slander others with them, or go to them for advice when you’re going through something difficult? Is their advice biblical or worldly? Are they a hindrance to your walk with God?
Romans 12:2a says, “Do not be conformed to this world…” Take some time to think about questions like these as this is something to consider as a caution when having deep friendships with non-believers. Take inventory of your closest friendships and how they may be affecting your walk with the Lord. Many of us have deep friendships with non-believers, and that is okay, but we may need to adjust some things and make sure we are not being influenced or swayed away from the deepest and most important relationship we will ever have—and that’s with the Lord. If you have some deep friendships with non-believers, here are three biblical ways to do that:
3 Ways to Share a Deep Friendship with Non-Believers
1. You need to love them.
When the scribes asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…and the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
To share a deep relationship with anyone in our life, but especially a non-believer, we are to love them. We are to love non-believers just as Jesus loved others, and in doing so, we show them Christ’s love versus the love they are receiving from the world. Loving them means accepting them as they are, not judging them, being patient with them for they do not always know the ways of God as non-believers, being kind to them, forgiving them just as Jesus forgives us, walking alongside them, suffering with them (which could mean praying for them and encouraging them), showing compassion on them, and being the kind of love they have never experienced before. By loving them the way Jesus loves, we can be an example for them and show them Christ-like love.
2. You need to be set apart.
To be in a deep relationship with a non-believer, it’s important we still live out our faith and be that example to them. We don’t need to dim our light and our relationship with God just because they don’t have the same relationship with God.
Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A City that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
A beautiful thing about having a deep friendship with a non-believer is that you can shed light on the truth of God in their lives. You can do this by the way you live your life and by living out God’s truth. It’s hard to be bold and easy to be afraid at times of what others think. However, our purpose and what is referred to as the Great Commission is to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19-20).
It’s hard to be set apart and not conform to this world, but it’s what Jesus asked of us, and we can have deep friendships with non-believers by just being ourselves, living out our faith, and being a light to them in a dark world. Be set apart just as Jesus was.
3. You need to pray for them.
To have a deep relationship with a non-believer, make prayer a priority. We need to make sure we are praying that we aren’t influenced or swayed by them in any way. Also, it’s important we pray for when we interact with them, asking the Holy Spirit to speak to us and prompt us when to speak up and when not to speak up. And then we should pray for them always as we are encouraged in I Thessalonians 5:17, especially praying for their salvation and asking the Lord to use us as a light and testimony in their lives.
There is no greater weapon that we have on this side of Earth than prayer. Imagine seeing their life transformed for the Lord. Imagine how much deeper your friendship would be if you had the Lord as the center of your friendship.
Praying for them has the power to potentially change their life and lead them to Jesus, and it allows us to lift up their needs on their behalf. One of the greatest roles we will ever have in a friendship with a non-believer is the role we have on our knees in prayer.
Having a relationship with a non-believer can be challenging, and we need to be careful that we are guarding ourselves against being led astray. But if we do have deep relationships with non-believers, we can do so by showing them Jesus. We can love them in a way that Christ loves and not the way the world loves. We can be set apart in our actions and conversations with them by not participating in the ways or views of the world. And we can pray for them in the hope of being a part of their coming to know the Lord and being that instrument in partnering with the Lord, bringing them into His Kingdom.
Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.
NEW YORK — We’re back in Hawaii for the dramatic conclusion to Jenn’s journey, and was it ever. We picked up with Jenn meeting up with her family. She was hoping they could help provide some clarity on which of the remaining men, Marcus or Devin, was right for her.
Jenn’s brother, friend Nicole, aunt, and mother were in Hawaii to meet her final two suitors. She admitted to her family that she said I love you to both, but only Devin has said it back so far. Jenn said at this point, her feelings towards the men are pretty equal.
Jenn’s Family Meets Devin
Devin brought gifts for everyone, he looked like Santa Claus with all of the bags he had. Devin told them that Jenn lights up whenever she talks about them. He added that he grew up with a strong, single mother as well. Jenn said to them that that’s how they really started to connect.
Devin told Jenn’s mom and aunt that he never dated an Asian girl but he loves it, loves Jenn, and that it’s not about ethnicity for him. He was quick to tell them that he loves Jenn and that he has zero doubts about her. Jenn’s mother thanked Devin for loving Jenn. It was so sweet! He really drove the point home that he wants to be her rock and would find that responsibility to be “a blessing.” He said that it would kill him to not be the one. He asked for their blessing, and they said that they would need more time because in their culture they take that time.
Jenn’s mom really pressed her on why she loves Devin. Jenn said that Devin unwaveringly loves her and wants to know all of her parts. Her mother was concerned that Devin didn’t know much about Vietnamese culture. Jenn said that Devin wants their future kids to know their culture and learn to speak Vietnamese. Her mother then told her that she needed more time to get to know Devin. Jenn tried to say that she shouldn’t worry because she would never marry someone she didn’t want to marry.
Live Show – Jenn’s Guys in the Audience
Dylan Jeremy and Jonathon were in the audience – and they told Jesse Palmer that they were there to give support to Jenn. What could be happening?
Jenn’s Brother and Devin
Jenn and her brother talked about her and Devin’s similar past with a single mom and strained relationship with their dads. Her brother said that he would support whatever she wanted to do. James said he could see how happy Jenn was with Devin. But – he wanted to grill him!
Devin told James that he was confident in their relationship. He said he never has to change anything about himself with Jenn and he’s never had that before. Devin admitted that he’s worried about the other guy that’s still involved. Devin also asked for her brother’s blessing and got shot down again. “I’m definitely not going to give my blessing now,” he said. James added he wanted to speak to the second guy first. He said it wasn’t because he didn’t like Devin, but he wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing for his sister.
Jenn told Devin to hold on and that she’d “never felt like this before and I love you.” Except with Marcus maybe, who she said it to first. “Don’t get in your head, okay?” Jenn said to Devin as he got in the SUV and drove away.
Marcus Meets Jenn’s Family
Here we go! Marcus’ turn! I’m so nervous for him. James is worried that Jenn is falling yet again for another emotionally unavailable man. Marcus brought just one gift bag. He admitted that he was a bit nervous. Marcus shared how he and his siblings were put in foster care. He had two older sisters who were adopted out, and then he and his sister Gabby got adopted out eventually to another. Wow, to be split up like that is so sad. Marcus also shared his experience of nearly losing his life while serving his country.
James Speaks with Marcus
James shared his appreciation with Marcus for sharing so much with his family about his past and how he knew that it wasn’t easy for him. Marcus said he wouldn’t do it unless he really cared for Jenn. He also admitted that he underestimated how important emotions are, especially because he had to block them while serving. Marcus said that Jenn makes him believe that taking the next step is possible. James thought that Marcus played “Ring Around the Rosy” with his questions.
James Speaks with Jenn’s Mom and Aunt
Marcus said that he believes that he can fall in love with Jenn, but he’s not there yet. He said he’s missing the feeling of “certainty.” He started to cry as he spoke about it. He really wants to be that guy for her, but it seems like he’s under too much pressure. This seems to be way too fast for him. “The feelings I have for your daughter are real,” Marcus said. Jenn’s mom is worried that Marcus could hurt her in the long run.
Jenn told her brother that she feels Marcus is close to being in love with her, but he’s not there yet. She blames his past trauma. James told her that Marcus fits the mold of men from her past who are emotionally unavailable. “Marcus is a really good man who has good intentions, but it is a little concerning,” Jenn said. She hopes she knows where his heart is at. “How long are you willing to wait?” James asked Jenn. “I’m not sure,” she said. James cried as he told his sister how he just wanted the best for her.
Jenn Confronts Marcus About His Feelings
Jenn said her family said some things that were really hard to hear. She asked him, “How do you see this ending for us?” Marcus said that he thought they made progress that day. “Where are you at with your feelings?” Jenn pressed. “Are you not certain about me?” Marcus said he doesn’t think it’s her, he thinks it’s the pressure to build the family that he never had. He hoped that him saying he’s getting there and his feelings are still growing could be “enough.” Jenn realizes she shouldn’t still feel confused.
Live Show
James was emotional again. Jesse asked him how he was feeling. “As you can tell, I’m not too happy.” Yikes!
Jenn’s Last Date with Devin
Jenn met up with Devin on the beach where they walked over to two spiritual guides. They did a spiritual ceremony that is supposed to happen before any life event. Jenn said she wanted to put any concerns in the past and this was a chance for them to have a fresh future. They got lava rocks that represented their fears and shared how they felt with each other. Jenn wants someone who won’t leave when things get tough. They threw their rocks into the water to release their fears. Devin and Jenn dipped their bodies into the ocean as a spiritual rebirth of sorts. They shared a bunch of kisses on the beach as Devin remained worried that he wouldn’t be the guy in the end.
In the evening, they met up with a passionate kiss. Devin said that he wants Jenn to “feel the weight of his soul.” That’s intense. Devin and Jenn talked about throwing the stones in the ocean and how it made them not afraid to take the next step together. Devin said that he trusts her opinions and decisions. That was something that really made Jenn feel seen. Santa Claus pulled out another gift and it was from the shaman on their New Zealand date. He told him not to give it out until he knew whom he wanted to give it to for the rest of his life. Jenn loved the level of commitment that it showed. “Devin keeps blowing me away!” Jenn said. “You can continue to be loved like that, but you just have to love me back,” Devin said. “I do love you,” Jenn said. She said she now knows what unconditional love is.
Jenn Has Doubts
Jenn woke up frustrated and confused after her amazing date with Devin. She doesn’t understand how Marcus can’t feel as strongly about her as she does with him. “His uncertainty is making me uncertain,” Jenn admitted.
Jesse Talks with Marcus
Jesse wanted to see how everything was going and if he had made progress with falling in love. Marcus said to Jesse that he told Jenn’s family the truth, he has struggled with his feelings. Marcus said that every time he spends time with Jenn their connection grows. Jesse’s like, so do you love her or are you just afraid to tell her? Marcus said he’s just not certain. Even Jesse seems confused. “If you do in fact love this woman, you have to tell her. Or, I’m afraid you are going to lose her if you don’t,” Jesse said.
Jenn Talks to Marcus
She doesn’t want to go on the date until she talks to Marcus. Jenn had to wait an uncomfortably long time for Marcus to answer his hotel room door when she knocked. She asks him to talk, and that never seems like a good thing and he knows that. She wants to know if he would propose, does he just want to date her, does he even see her in his future? Marcus said he regretted not diving deeper into that topic. “I feel like I tried and you just didn’t want to,” Jenn said. “I don’t think that you were excited for the future.” Marcus said it’s not that he can’t picture it, it’s scary for him. “I’m struggling, for sure,” he said. Marcus said that he wants to keep trying and she makes him want to keep trying. He doesn’t understand why it’s hard for him. Tears rolled down his face as Jenn described how much time and feelings she invested into him when he couldn’t give it back.
“At the end of the day, I know that I love you, I want to be the kind of person that fights for it. Like I want to do this with you. I want to give it a try. I don’t want to give up on us,” Marcus said. That’s how he finally says he loves her. Does he? She’s very conflicted and confused. She has a pit in her stomach instead of feeling elated. Probably not a good sign. Jenn leaves the room, comes back eventually and Marcus admits that he’s afraid of losing her. “I did fall in love with you. It’s clear to me that you know what you want, and I think that’s why I’ve been asking myself some pretty hard questions,” he said. “I’m not giving you what you need.” “I opened my heart to you every second that I got,” Jenn said. She is sick of proving herself, she’s done waiting. “I’m just done,” Jenn said. Marcus then said that he is worried that he wouldn’t find someone like Jenn again. Jenn thanked him for being honest, but she knew that she didn’t want to feel like this anymore. Bye, Marcus!
Marcus in the Hot Seat
Marcus said it was tough to watch his breakup with Jenn back. He said after getting home he didn’t know if he had made the right decision or not. Was it his decision? I think that was all Jenn really… anyway, he said that he hates that he let her down. He didn’t want to be part of the problem of why she had ever felt unworthy of love. “The difficult truth is that I needed to get out of her way.”
Jenn and Marcus Talk Live
Jenn said that their relationship meant a lot to her and that she was glad that he went on this journey with her. He said he felt the same. Jenn said that she wanted to run toward her feelings with Devin and not run from them. She felt like they weren’t aligned with certain things after the fantasy suites. Jenn said that even if Marcus had said I love you sooner, it wouldn’t have worked out because it just wasn’t the right relationship. “My heart was in a different place and wanted something different,” Jenn said.
Decision Day
Jenn was fresh off her breakup with Marcus and although she loves Devin she said she was a bit confused about what she wanted to do. Devin was not confused at all. He met up with Neil Lane to pick out a beautiful engagement ring.
Jenn said that in order to fulfill herself she wants to choose herself. She’s not going to let Devin propose to her, she wants to propose to him! Wow! This is a Bachelor Nation first.
Jesse Interrupts the Proposal
Jesse says that we need to hear what happened since Hawaii from Jenn herself before they air the proposal. This is unprecedented!
Jenn in the Hot Seat
Jenn comes out and wipes away tears. She then started to sob. This is awful. They left Hawaii engaged, and she said she was very happy, but then he started to pull away from her. His promises of where they would live and be together just drifted away. Jenn said she felt like she was secondary to everything in his life and he didn’t even bring her around his family anymore.
They had a happy couple visit planned and instead of going he called her and broke off the engagement. He said he didn’t love her anymore, he felt like something was off and he regretted getting engaged. For the past month, she’s been trying to understand how he could switch his feelings up the way he did. She even told Devin that they could just date, but he said it wasn’t what he wanted anymore. Devin refused couple’s counseling.
How could he do this to her? I’m really disgusted at this situation. At the same time, he shouldn’t be in a relationship that he doesn’t want to be in, Jenn deserves better than that. Jesse then asked her if she was ready to see him. What? This guy is here? How? Dylan, Jeremy, and Jonathon have the look in their eyes of wanting to tear him apart.
Devin Talks to Jenn Live
Devin got a few claps and even a boo as he walked out. Jenn didn’t know where to start and said it wasn’t what she wanted and it wouldn’t be meaningful to her. She wanted to do it off-camera. Jenn asked why he ended their engagement on the phone and then started following Maria on Instagram. She asked if their relationship meant anything to him. He made a face and then said that he couldn’t excuse the Instagram follow, and that he failed her. “Everything I felt for you was real,” he said. He said he needed time and space to process his emotions, but then went clubbing with Jeremy. He said he was there for a work trip, but then went out with Jeremy. “Am I not allowed to live a life?” he said.
Jesse reigned it in, and asked what happened? When he left the show he had a lot of doubts and he admitted that he suppressed his feelings. Jenn asked why he allowed her to keep falling for him for 2 months after the show. Devin said he couldn’t really explain further. “I was regretfully late on letting you know,” Devin said. Jenn couldn’t believe he was posting memes about Sam. She said that every Monday night she was heartbroken watching the lies that he told her.
After a commercial break, Devin said he just wanted to focus on the breakup and not after the break. Devin said he had nothing to gain other than to make sure that she was ok. Devin said that he watches Jenn grow and flourish and he said that he fell short of her expectations in the real world. This isn’t him trying to make her feel bad, Devin said he does care, but he was contributing to her regression. She shouldn’t have to compromise what she wants for him, Devin added. Jenn could hardly look at him.
Watching the Proposal
Jesse said, “I know that your love story didn’t unfold the way that you thought or expected it would, I’m truly sorry.” He added, “You also showed us what a strong and powerful woman is.” Who loves Jesse? Everyone! But then, Jesse was like can we watch the proposal together? “Do I have a choice?” Jenn said. This broke my heart. I don’t even want to watch this proposal. The little box in the corner of Jenn sitting next to the man who broke her heart, sobbing, is unnecessary. This footage should be burned. It would have been beautiful if it was true. Jenn had this moment stolen from her. She deserves the best. I wish this could have worked out for her so badly.
Jesse said that he hoped in watching it she could feel empowered because she really did things her own way. I think it would have been more empowering if they had honored her wishes to not have to see it. Jenn said that the man on the screen doesn’t exist anymore, but she’s still the same woman that she is. Right on! Jenn said that she’s ready to fight for love and to find the man who can keep the promises he makes to her. Devin said that he fully believed those things. Then he said some things about falling short of expectations and I really don’t understand this breakup. The bottom line, he basically fell out of love with her in the real world. She told Devin that she hopes that he can find himself in his self-journey one day.
Jesse tried to reassure her that her great love is still out there. I would say so! Then to try to uplift us, they teased that Joan’s season is coming up and there’s a chance she could end up with Kelsey’s dad, who was also in the audience.
Sneak Peek of Joan’s Journey
Jesse made a bad joke about keeping his promises with a sneak peek of Joan’s season of “The Golden Bachelorette.” We got to see Kelsey come out of the limo to talk to Joan, and then introduce her dad to her! Mark is a silver fox! I loved him on Joey’s season and I’m so glad to see him get his moment in the sun and make a possible love connection. He’s incredible! “He’s cute! Thank you! You can just call me mom!” Joan said to Kelsey! Adorable!
Joan said that she went on some amazing dates and that she’s really excited for everyone to see her season! I can’t wait!
You can watch the very first “Golden Bachelorette” on Wednesday, September 18 on ABC.
Being a sensitive person who can pick up on the feelings and energy of others sets you up for uncommonly close connections. It can be a very nourishing experience to feel so in tune with the people and world around you. Yet being a hyper-perceptive empath who picks up on everything—including the energy of spaces and subtleties in physical stimuli—can also be overwhelming.
Raising your level of differentiation requires action and behavior change. There is no more “business as usual”—all the strategies and habits such as posturing, denial, defensiveness, and critical arguments cease to exist. Partners have clearer boundaries, express themselves with regulated clarity, and stand up for what they believe without attack or criticism of their partner.
Moving in with your partner is a new and exciting chapter to embark on together. But just like the honeymoon phase of any relationship will eventually fade, so, too, can the excitement of living with each other—and that’s when “roommate syndrome” can occur.
It can doubtlessly be intimidating to go on a date with someone who speaks a language other than your own. Yet, it may also be quite lucrative and pleasurable if you go into the scenario with an open mind and a willingness to learn. If you’re a little stuck and don’t know where to start, don’t worry. Here are some suggestions to help you make the most of your time with a Chinese woman if you are preparing to go on a date with her but don’t know her language.
Creative Ways To Communicate Without Being Fluent In Chinese
If you’re looking for creative ways to communicate without being fluent in Chinese, there are a few options available. One of the most popular is using visual aids such as pictures or drawings. This can be especially helpful if you’re trying to explain something that doesn’t have an exact translation in Chinese. You can also use gestures and body language to help get your point across.
For instance, you could gesture at yourself and then make a walking motion with your fingers to indicate that you want to ask someone where the restroom is. Using online translators like Google Translate or Bing Translator or other excellent apps to learn Mandarin Chinese language is an additional choice. These resources offer word and phrase translations from English to Mandarin, bridging the linguistic barrier (and vice versa). And don’t be scared to simply ask for assistance if all else fails. There’s a good chance that someone around will be able to comprehend what you need and help you get it done.
How Can I Make My Date Feel Comfortable If I Don’t Speak Chinese?
Acknowledge the fact that she speaks a different language than you do, and let her know that you are open to learning more about it. Ask her questions about the language and culture, and show genuine interest in what she has to say. You can also offer to teach her some words or phrases in your native language if she is interested. Additionally, try not to be embarrassed or apologetic about not speaking Chinese—instead, focus on creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding between the two of you.
Activities Or Topics Of Conversation You Can Explore If You And Your Date Don’t Speak The Same Language
Even if you and your date don’t share the same language, there are still plenty of activities and topics of conversation that can make for a great date. For starters, you could try to learn some basic phrases in her native language. This will show her that you’re making an effort to understand her culture and it will also give you something to talk about. You could also take her out for dinner at a restaurant that serves traditional Chinese cuisine.
This way, she can order dishes she knows and loves while teaching you more about the food culture in China. Another great idea is to go on a cultural tour together—visit museums or art galleries, explore local landmarks or take a walk around town. If all else fails, simply ask your date questions about herself—what she likes to do in her free time, what kind of music she listens to, or what books she reads. These conversations may not be as deep as those held in one’s native language but they can still be meaningful and enjoyable nonetheless.
How To Show Respect And Appreciation Without Knowing The Language
Showing respect and appreciation to someone without knowing their language can be a challenge, but it is possible. One of the best ways to do this is through body language. Smiling, nodding your head in agreement, and making eye contact are all universal signs of respect that can be used regardless of language barriers. You can also use gestures to communicate with people who don’t speak your language. Pointing at objects or using hand signals can help you get your point across without having to rely on words. And if you want to show someone that you appreciate them, try giving them a small gift or token of appreciation such as flowers or candy. This will show them that you care even if they don’t understand what you’re saying.
Ideas For Fun Activities That Don’t Require Speaking Chinese
Planning activities that will help you learn more about each other’s cultures and origins can help you get the most out of your date with a Chinese woman. Here are some suggestions for entertaining activities you can do on a date with a Chinese woman without having to speak Chinese:
Attend a local museum or gallery: This is a great method to learn about China’s cultural legacy without having to know Chinese
Enroll in a cooking class together: Learning how to prepare authentic Chinese food is entertaining and educational
Go for a walk in nature: Take your date for a stroll in one of the many beautiful parks or gardens in China, and enjoy the scenery together
Watch an outdoor movie: There are plenty of outdoor cinemas in China where you can watch movies under the stars without having to understand any dialogue
Play board games: Board games like Mahjong are popular among Chinese people, so why not give them a try?
“There is too much pressure … on what a romantic partner should be. They should be your best friend, they should be your lover, they should be your closest relative, they should be your work partner, they should be the co-parent, your athletic partner. … Of course, everybody isn’t able to quite live up to it,” says Jacqueline Olds, professor of Psychiatry at Harvard University. If you find this description of the modern-day quest for ‘the one’ relatable, you’re not wrong to look for signs you will never find love.
“Why can’t I find love?” has become a far-too-common lament. Brought on by a variety of factors, ranging from the fast-paced dating to hookup culture, unrealistic expectations shaped by social media, and jaded views of love. Together with psychiatrist Dr. Rima Mukherji (MBBS, DPM, MRCPsych), founder-director of Crystal Minds, let’s explore these reasons in greater depth, look at the signs that you may never find love, and find solutions to get past these stumbling blocks.
Why Can’t I Find Love?
If you’re someone on the verge of giving up on love, remember, you’re not alone. If we go by Dr. Mukherji’s views, people who suffer from the fear of never finding love often self-sabotage relationships. Many of the reasons behind this are related to deep-seated psychological issues. People are also not clear about the answers to: “What are you looking for in a relationship?” We will take a look at some such instances in the rest of the article. But first, let us look at a few more such reasons:
You’re too lazy to look for love: You don’t put in enough effort to look for ‘the one’
You expect perfection in your partner: You have standards that are too tough to achieve
You’re looking at the wrong places: You stay in a small town and visit the same old bars and cafes. Or you live in a busy city but don’t venture out to new places and stick to your neighborhood instead. Or you’re limiting yourself to dating sites that don’t align with your needs
You can’t get over your ex: You’re still stuck on your ex and are looking for them in everyone you meet
You’re trying too hard and losing your identity: You lose your identity and self-respect in trying to please your potential partner, ending up making them lose interest
A PEW Research study has found that one in four adults in the US will likely stay single for life. Another study with respondents from Greece and China proved that about half the people who participated in the study faced issues in love and remained single for long periods. So, the question remains, does everyone find love eventually or is true love just found in romcoms?
Dr. Mukherji says, “People may not necessarily find romantic love these days. That’s because most people of this generation have very high expectations from their partners, show rigid character traits (such as unwillingness to adjust), or have certain patterns that attract relationships that don’t last. You need to have clear answers to “What are you looking for in a relationship?”, but you also need to be practical about your expectations when you’re finding the one person to be with.”
15 Signs You Will Never Find Love And How To Overcome Them
Before we get on to the signs you will never find love, let us look at a case Dr. Mukherji handled as a therapist. One of her clients, Rita (name changed to protect identity), a well-educated working woman in her 30s, came to her when she couldn’t accept the fact that men kept rejecting her. She had this constant fear of never finding love.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Rita seemed very eager to get married. She had been in quite a few relationships, but the moment she hinted that she wished to introduce her boyfriends to her parents, they either ghosted her or cut ties with her politely. She would then turn into the quintessential clingy girlfriend. She would also lose sleep over whether they were dating other women
“After many such incidents of looking for love, out of desperation, Rita, who was insecure about her weight and looks, went through liposuction and multiple cosmetic procedures to tighten her skin, all in the hope of finding ‘the one’. She would also often be dejected to the extent of inflicting self-harm.
“After a series of therapy sessions with me, she has now finally started to accept rejection. No, she still hasn’t found love, but she is less needy now and has learned not to take rejection in love personally.” Rita’s journey is a fine example of how our own insecurities, projections, and behavior patterns can often impede our chances of finding love. With that in mind, let’s look at 15 signs you will never find love and the ways to deal with them:
If you often find yourself thinking, “Why can’t I find love?”, perhaps, it may be a good idea to assess if you hold people to impossibly high standards and struggle to adjust to other people’s shortcomings. Dr. Mukherji says, “People these days are looking for perfection in every area. They can’t accept flaws and are quick to tag them as dating red flags.”
For instance, my friend Natalie was dating a man for a couple of months. The guy ended up switching his phone off one day, and that sent Natalie into a panic about something being amiss. By the end of the day, she was hysterical and in tears. She sent him a few voice messages crying and asking him to get in touch with her as soon as they were delivered.
Her boyfriend called up the next day and explained that he was traveling and was in a no-network zone. However, Natalie ended up picking up a huge fight with him, and it affected their relationship immensely. Any deviation from the expected level of communication would trigger an argument. The constant bickering and fights caused them to part ways.
What to do
Let’s look at a couple of ways in which you can check this trait:
Be realistic: Before you set out to find love, understand that the other person can have flaws
Raise self-awareness: Be aware of your shortcomings too, and learn to have realistic expectations
2. You’re a taker
Often, people become ‘takers’ in relationships and look for ‘givers’. And while their partners end up giving too much in a relationship, the takers eventually lose them. Their list of what they seek in a partner never ends. A Reddit user who had a similar tendency while seeking love wrote, “My girlfriend of 3 years is a chronic giver. She’s constantly bending and doing things for me whether I ask or don’t ask. She’s always taken care of me whether it’s physically, mentally, or financially. We recently talked and we discovered that I’m a taker and she’s a giver.
It’s starting to cause problems and I need advice on how to give back to her without taking so much. I grew up in a very “take what you can get” household. So, it’s in my nature to take and not give.”
What to do
If you think you’re a ‘taker’ in the relationship, try the following tips to balance the dynamics in your relationships:
Stop being selfish: In relationships, the give and take may not be 50-50, but you need to give at times to be able to receive whatever is being offered from the other end without it appearing like you’re using them
Go for therapy: A lot of people are not aware of their roles in relationships. They should read up more on how to be good partners and opt for therapy to address this issue
You may never find love if you’re too critical or are easily angered
3. You’re clingy
Just like Rita in the case mentioned above, maybe you tend to get too clingy and end up pushing a partner or even a romantic prospect away. Dr. Mukherji says, “If you end up being excessively clingy, with no respect for your partner’s boundaries, you are bound to lose them someday.” Here are some instances of such signs you will never find love:
You’re constantly calling them, texting them, or DM-ing them on social media to stay in touch throughout the day
You’re too needy and always need them to check on you and do things for you to validate your existence
What to do
If you can’t stop being nosy and clingy with your partner, try the following tips:
Realize that you are whole on your own: Resist the need for constant validation by your partner. Realize that someone else can’t complete you or make your day, and stop seeking their attention
Empathize and give them space: Understand that just because your partner isn’t calling you, they aren’t cheating on you. Show some empathy in the relationship and put yourself in their shows. Maybe they had a busy day and couldn’t call you
4. You’re overly suspicious
Rita would spend her days worrying about her partner’s whereabouts, even after they cut ties with her. Do you too tend to assume the worst in people? For instance, if you connect with someone on a dating app, do you start thinking about how many others this person is talking to/hooking up with? Or if you start dating someone, do you suspect they’re cheating on you with a coworker every time they’re working late? Have you had relationships fall apart in the past because of your suspicious nature? Well, these are signs of a toxic relationship that could push people away.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Constantly monitoring movements, keeping tabs, going through text messages, and stalking on social media are signs that you’re overly suspicious. And this stems from insecurity. Your endless questions and demands that they switch their live location on or tell you about what they’re doing throughout the day can do more harm than good.”
Being overly suspicious can wreak havoc on your mental health too. Try and address the issue by adopting the following measures:
Build trust: Trust is the pillar of any relationship. Talk things out and work toward building trust
Address past trauma: Take a look at your past relationship trauma (incidents of cheating, etc.) that could be causing you to behave this way and work on your own insecurities
Be engaged in your work: Have a life of your own and stay busy so that you don’t have the time for unnecessary suspicion
5. You threaten or indulge in self-harm
This is by far the most dangerous of all signs you’ll never find love. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Blackmailing or threatening to hurt yourself or commit suicide can be an extreme form of manipulation. In such cases, you end up frightening the other person. Trying to make them feel guilty for not going by your whims may not work. They may carry on for a while out of fear but will leave you eventually. Remember, love cannot be achieved by putting a gun to someone’s head.”
What to do
If you have ever tried getting your way by threatening or blackmailing another person, you need to check yourself by trying the following tips:
Be aware of your own need for validation: Realize that you may have some deep-seated insecurity that is causing this need to seek validation. This is probably leading you to take this extreme step of getting ‘love’ by hook or crook
Develop empathy for your partner: Realize that your partner may be feeling pressured to be with you. And who would want to stay in a relationship out of fear or compulsion?
Realize that you can’t force love: It takes two to tango. Thus, you will never find love if you force someone to be with you with threats
Get help: Seeking professional help from a counselor or a mental health expert to understand where these tendencies stem from and how to deal with them healthily
Constantly monitoring movements, keeping tabs, going through text messages, and stalking on social media are signs that you’re overly suspicious.
– Dr. Mukherji
6. You may be afraid of commitment
Your inner fear of commitment may be preventing you from getting love. Dr. Mukherji explains, “If you find yourself dating commitment-phobic people repeatedly, that could be a sign that you are commitment-phobic and are thus attracting the same type.”
Do you think you yourself are commitment-phobic? Well, let’s see how you can check that:
Ask yourself questions: Reflect on whether you want a real relationship with commitment. Anything worthwhile needs a lot of work. Ask yourself if you’re ready to put in that work
Opt for therapy: If you feel you have issues with commitment, don’t hesitate to opt for individual therapy
7. You’re too self-absorbed
One major sign that you’ll never find love is that you’re too self-centered. Dr. Mukherji cites the following examples of people who are too self-absorbed while looking for a relationship or while they’re in a relationship:
You wish to be the center of attraction at all events you go to with your bae
You have a constant need to be pampered
You’re unable to handle frustrations in relationships and react without waiting for your partner’s explanations
You feel you’re entitled to cry or throw temper tantrums
What to do
While self-love is fine, being too self-absorbed leaves no room for healthy relationships. In that case, you should adopt the following measures:
Realize that a relationship isn’t just about what you’re getting out of it: To get the love that you need to offer love too. Understand that a relationship requires both partners to feel special
Value and shower affection on your love interest: Show the love that you wish to receive. Give the other person attention and care too, as everyone wishes to feel valued in relationships
8. You’re focusing on superficial things
To find love, you need to focus on one partner, and not be distracted by attention
You’re more likely to miss out on love if you devalue the things that matter and focus on flimsy things such as looks and material comforts. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Just beauty or money alone won’t make your partner stay unless you have something more substantial to offer. Who you are as a person and your vibes matter too.” For instance, Rita cared only about her external beauty and forgot that her insecurities and desperation to get a partner were so prominent that they drove her partners away.
Instead of focusing on flimsy factors, you can try the following tips:
Work on your insecurities: If your entire focus is on superficial things, it hints at a void in yourself. Find out that void and address it, otherwise, you’ll only end up getting into superficial relationships
Become more comfortable with yourself: Whether you are tall, short, dark, fair, highly educated, or not, remember, in true love, such factors are secondary. Accept yourself the way you are
9. You are not going through self-development
As humans, we must constantly evolve and learn new things. That’s what makes us mature in the way we deal with problems in relationships and in life. Dr. Mukherji says, “When you don’t evolve as a person, you expect another person to fulfill all your needs. This could stem from your childhood, where you probably had one parent catering to all your needs and stunting your growth as an individual.”
In such cases, you grow up to be reliant on romantic relationships. So, you may end up expecting your partner to be that person who caters to all your needs, with you not having to do much.
What to do
To grow and evolve, you need to think beyond your partner. You can do this by adopting the following tips:
Create a social circle where people help each other: Join a club or create a circle of friends where you nurture people and they nurture you back. This will help you grow and rely less on your partner
Find alternate sources of strength in your day-to-day activities: For instance, you can develop connections with your coworkers who help you develop skills and grow as a person
10. You have several partners as backup options
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Most people these days have several partners lined up, and that gets in the way of people’s ability to commit to and invest in a relationship. No relationship, no person is perfect. When you always have options lined up, it plays on your mind, and at the first hint of trouble, you gravitate toward the next person on the list instead of staying and trying to work things out.”
My coworker, Melanie, had a lot of male friends and whenever she would have an argument with her boyfriend, she would start chatting with them to pacify herself and find possible solutions. This eventually drove her boyfriend away. And I wasn’t surprised, because this behavior is a sign of micro-cheating which, if not checked early on, can lead any relationship to break apart.
What to do
It’s never a nice thing to have tons of people as backup options, as it can only mess with your relationship priorities. Try the following tips to focus on your potential partner and to prevent yourself from divulging too much to others:
Wait for your partner to cool off: People need to give enough time and space to their partners after a conflict and not confide in a third party immediately
Learn to create some boundaries: As in relationships, one must create some boundaries in friendships too. If you don’t differentiate between your boyfriend/girlfriend and other friends, don’t be surprised if you find yourself without a partner all of a sudden
11. You’re too controlling
Another way you could be driving your prospective partners away is by trying to control the other person’s life in all areas. Dr. Mukherji says, “Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t give you the right to control your partner’s life.”
This reminds me of one of my exes, whom I had dated for a couple of years and who was too controlling. He not only asked me to unfriend many of my male friends on social media but would also call me up at odd hours to check who I was with. This became too stifling for me and I eventually left him.
Most people these days have several partners lined up and that gets in the way of people’s ability to commit to and invest in a relationship.
– Dr. Mukherji
What to do
Here’s what you can do instead of being jealous and controlling your potential partner and having your say all the time:
Stop being a control freak: Whenever you feel the urge to control your partner’s actions, stop it right there
Make relationship rules that apply to both: If you feel the need to control your partner, make sure you give them the right to control you too. That way, you will realize how stifling they feel when you control them
12. You are violent when you’re angry
Violence can never solve any conflict and only makes the gap between two people wider. Imagine getting berated, yelled at, slapped, and pushed during a petty quarrel. Such violence can create long-term psychological issues for the person at the receiving end. Would you want to be with someone who treats you this way? No, right? If you get violent when you’re angry, it may explain why you have trouble finding love or holding on to relationships. This is why anger management is extremely important in relationships.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Violence can take many forms and may not always be directed at your partner. For instance, you can take your anger out on the people around you (even unknown people, such as the waiter at a restaurant) or on yourself (by hurting yourself physically). You may even resort to breaking things and yelling.” In such cases, your partner may decide to quit and will be right in doing so, as such violence is not just harmful but also embarrassing.
If you often find yourself reacting violently when you disagree with someone or are angry, try the following tips:
Get therapy: If you have uncontrollable anger, you can choose to go for therapy
Locate triggers: You can try and locate the issues that trigger you to be violent
13. You have addictions
Your addictions may be an obstacle in your way to finding love. Imagine you’re on a date and you’re constantly looking at your phone. After all, you need to check how many ‘likes’ your new Instagram post has received. You’re addicted to social media, and you don’t even listen to what your date is saying. You eventually end up putting them off.
Or let’s say, you meet your potential partner high on weed. You can hardly keep your eyes open. This is highly disrespectful and will likely nip many budding romantic connections in the bid. Some other addictions that can ruin your love life are:
It’s a common fallacy that finding someone you love and who loves you back can help you recover from your addictions. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Love is not an answer to addictions, and it’s foolish to think love will cure you of addiction.”
What to do
Are you someone who suffers from one of the addictions mentioned above? Well, try the following tips to control yourself:
Ask yourself what your priority is: Make a decision. If it’s a choice between sticking to your addictions and being alone forever, which one is more important to you? You’ll have the answer
Get help: Addictions aren’t just bad for your relationships but they end up ruining your whole life. It’s important to get help, either in the form of de-addiction therapy or through addiction recovery platforms like Alcoholics Anonymous (or its many versions that exist today, depending on the addiction you’re grappling with)
14. You have unrealistic expectations
The problem with most of us these days is that we expect a lot from our partners. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Our lists are never-ending and we’re constantly seeking high standards that even we may not meet. In other words, most of us have unrealistic expectations in our relationships.” Be it professional brilliance, our obsession with good looks, or social media popularity, we are constantly striving to find the best partners for ourselves. And, at times, that’s what prevents us from finding love.
For instance, one of my friends, a travel influencer with around 25,000 followers, was looking for a partner with more followers than her so that they could become a travel couple on Instagram. That was 2 years back. She is still single at 38 because even though she does find men with more followers than her, they often fall short when it comes to her other criteria, such as loyalty or looks.
What to do
Here’s what you can do instead of creating unrealistic standards for your potential partner:
Tone your expectations down: It’s good to have standards, but it’s better to have realistic standards
Realize that love can’t be measured by standards: Love can’t be measured by a scale. Stop grading people on such frivolous things and start focusing on the person
15. Self-fulfilling prophecy
Dr. Mukherji says, “At times, nothing but our own negative beliefs ruin things for us in relationships.” For instance, our past disappointments in relationships may make us act negatively. We may approach our relationships half-heartedly, may give lukewarm responses to our partners (thinking it may not work out), and stop turning up for dates.
Here’s how Dr. Susan Albers describes the phenomenon: “When you set certain expectations, those expectations can lead you to notice certain things but not pay attention to others. Your mind focuses on details that confirm what you expect.”
What to do
If you feel you need to control your negative thoughts and prevent them from ruining your chances with your potential partner, try the following tips:
Go for therapy: Instead of sinking into a sea of negativity, try some therapy to get to the root cause and infuse some positivity
Resolve arguments promptly: Don’t sleep over conflicts. Resolve them immediately
Key Pointers
If you’re looking for a relationship, remember that not everyone finds love eventually, and many adults are actually living through long periods of singlehood
Some signs you will never find love are: you have violent anger, you are afraid of commitment, you are self-absorbed, and you are a taker
Some solutions to this issue are: going for therapy, having realistic expectations, and putting in effort in the relationship
Final Thoughts
Signs you will never find love and what to do about them
We hope our low-down on the signs you will never find love and their solutions have made you a little more hopeful about finding love. If you’re looking for a relationship, you need to realize that love is a two-way street and you can’t expect to find it unless you put in effort and work on your flaws. What are you looking for in a relationship? Introspect on this before giving up on love. Have realistic expectations, go out there, and win the world with your most positive and improved self. We wish you all the luck!
When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:
The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.
Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?
2. Fighting Dirty
All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.
Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.
3. Bringing Up the Past
When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.
If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.
4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family
There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.
There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.
5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect
When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.
As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.
6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship
In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.
Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.
7. Shutting Down Communication
One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.
The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.
This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.
Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.
Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.
SAN DIEGO, August 27, 2024 (Newswire.com)
– Rater, the Anti-Catfishing singles social app, is thrilled to announce the hiring of a marketing and branding expert to help continue its growth and expansion. Lee-Michael Pronko, Founder of HeresMe Agency, has joined Rater and brings with him the talents of his team at HeresMe.
“I’m thrilled to have an expert onboard to help execute the vision for Rater,” said Nicole Drew, Founder and CEO of Rater. “We have our sights set on becoming the top trusted dating app and with Lee-Michael’s help and guidance, we’re set to reach our goal of 100,000 users by the mid – end 2025.”
Officially, Lee-Michael Pronko will fill the role of Head of Growth and Brand Marketing. His position as Founder at HeresMe means he has a team of marketing experts behind him to help grow and support the vision.
“I’m beyond excited to join Rater and support the brand’s growth. Our team is ready to execute a marketing strategy combining online and more traditional in-person, and even guerilla approaches that creatively grow brand awareness and increase Rater’s user base,” said Nikki Gillingham, HeresMe’s Marketing and Social Media Director.
About Rater App
Launched in 2023 to help daters safely navigate the online world, Rater is the Anti-Catfishing singles social app highly focused on trust and safety. Profiles are AI-verified and user-vetted to ensure authenticity, and core values are at the forefront of the dating app experience.
About Nicole Drew
In October 2018, Nicole Drew was a single professional in California who was financially scammed by a man she met on a well-known dating app. The experience highlighted for her the pervasive issues of romance scams and inadequate app protections. Driven by a desire to address these issues, she channeled her initial frustration into creating Rater. The Rater platform is designed to enhance safety and promote authenticity in online dating aiming to prevent others from having similar negative experiences.
About Lee-Michael Pronko
Lee-Michael Pronko is a proud dad and tech entrepreneur. He is the CEO & Brand Strategist at HeresMe Agency. He previously developed Heartstring, a video dating app, and launched a multi-city social urban planning tool for better citizen engagement.
About HeresMe Growth Agency
HeresMe grows the brands of matchmakers, coaches, and dating apps with the power of video, funnels, ads, and brand authority to build a compelling and authentic online presence. HeresMe adapts its clients’ brands to cultural and social changes, consumer behaviors, and the evolving social landscape, ensuring they stay competitive and relevant but also authentic to the brand vision and values.
When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over?
Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling.
“It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.”
“Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.
The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future.
“I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.”
“Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.”
Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption.
“What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.”
Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.
First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle.
Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem.
Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street.
Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).
Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.
Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate.
Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you.
I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage.
Publication date: February 22, 2016
Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
Dear Eric: I’m involved with a man whose sister recently died. I rented a car, bought his kids clothes for the funeral and made sure everything was in order. The funeral was out of town. I wanted to be there for support, but he didn’t invite me. I took off of work and he left with his kids.
When I told him how I felt about not being invited, he said he assumed I wouldn’t want to go, but didn’t consider me or ask me. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, though. Should I just take it for what it is, because clearly I don’t matter enough?
— Left Behind
Dear Left: Try not to take this instance personally. When we’re grieving, we’re not always thinking about every angle.
If it’s a pattern of behavior with other things that aren’t emergencies or tragedies, try talking to him proactively to see if it changes things. For instance, if there’s something that you want to be invited to, let him know in advance. Or if you’re doing labor to help him, like buying the kids clothes, tell him. “I see the kids need outfits, so I thought I would take them shopping. Would that be helpful?” Sometimes we have to over-communicate so that we don’t feel misunderstood.
Dear Eric: My husband suffers from frequent insomnia. When he has trouble sleeping, he spends a while (sometimes several hours) reading in bed. He uses a small flashlight, but it’s still bright enough to keep me awake. So does the sound of turning the pages in the book.
He insists that I ought to be able to sleep through that, but I can’t. The sleep lost because of these middle-of-the-night reading sessions puts a big dent in my productivity at work. Our apartment has one bedroom, so I can’t ask him to go read (and sleep) in some other bedroom. Should I insist that he go to the living room to do his reading?
— Sleepless Spouse
Dear Sleepless: It’s pretty ironic that he’s telling you what you should be able to sleep through. Facts not in evidence!
While the Sharper Image catalogs of the world may assure us that tiny reading lights are the solution for unobtrusive bedtime reading, everyone is different. A half-hour of reading is one thing, but having a whole study session while you toss and turn? I don’t think so.
Kindly insist on the living room, at least until the point in the night where his medical condition relents a little and you can both get some shuteye.
Dear Eric: I’ve been dating an amazing guy for the past three years. He is the man I have been looking for my entire life.
But he does not seem to want to move forward with marriage. We are in our 50s and have our own homes and are financially stable.
He was married for a very long time and it ended in divorce. Since then he had a couple of serious relationships where it sounded like he was strongly considering marriage, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. Him not moving our relationship forward makes me feel like I’m not important enough to marry.
I don’t know if I should give it more time as I think he is slow to make decisions about everything in life or put a timeframe on the table. I don’t know that I will ever be satisfied if I do not have a ring on my finger. Am I wasting my time?
— Impatiently Waiting
Dear Waiting: You’re waiting for him to pop the question, but have you asked each other preliminary questions about marriage and your shared future? You can, and should, have the proposal you want but the first step for every couple is talking about dreams, desires, baggage, and the like.
You have agency here. Have you asked him whether he ever sees himself getting married again? Or what his vision for the two of you might be? Have you shared with him your vision? It’s important to do this so that you’re not carrying around the weight of unmet expectations.
Your letter has words like “seem” and “sounded like”; it’s not unfair to ask for clarity. That will strengthen your relationship.
Now, if you’ve already had the marriage talk and it’s a non-starter for him, that’s another issue.
Because if you’ve said that you want to get married and he doesn’t want to or has met your desire with a non-response, he’s either not hearing you clearly or purposefully ignoring you. That’s trouble. Say to him, “When I talk about getting married, it’s because that’s a way for me to know our love is real and meaningful to you. Can you help me see where you’re coming from?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
