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  • 5 Ways to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

    5 Ways to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

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    “Hidey Ho, Neighbor.” Who doesn’t remember hearing this friendly welcome from next-door neighbor Wilson of the clumsy but endearing Tim Taylor from the popular nineties television show Home Improvement? If you remember well (or need some television education), Tim was usually out in his backyard dealing with the latest, usually comical dilemma to befall him and his family, and Wilson would always acknowledge him with this rousing greeting. As their conversation went on, Wilson would quote some little-known philosopher to help solve Tim’s problem and when it was clear Tim wasn’t getting it, Wilson will give him the sound, sage advice that would always work out in the end.

    Nowadays, I think we would all love to have a Wilson next door to us so that we could go to him with our problems and, after spouting off some ancient jargon, would remind us of who we were and what advice was best for our situation. In a similar way, Jesus explained the two greatest commandments to a scribe. He told the scribe the two greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, followed by loving your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31, NKJV).

    What does it look like to love our neighbors as ourselves? As we dig more into Scripture, we will see that a neighbor is not just your friendly next-door neighbor but everyone around you.

    “One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’ ‘The most important one,’ answered Jesus, ‘is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.’” –Mark 12:28-31

    Jesus spoke these endearing and profound words during a conversation He had with a scribe who wanted to know the first commandment to follow. Before this conversation, Jesus had already been accosted by some Pharisees, Herodians, and Sadducees intent on disproving the preaching of Jesus. At this point in the Book of Mark, Jesus had become known around town for not only claiming that He was the Son of God but for miraculously healing people and sharing that He would be resurrected from the dead.

    The spiritual leaders didn’t like how Jesus didn’t align with their teachings nor was He willing to submit to their authority, so they tried the tactics of spouting parables or questions meant to make Him second-guess Himself. With the question of the greatest commandment of all, this scribe had already been privy to all the interactions the leaders had with Jesus at that point and believed Jesus answered their questions or parables well (Mk. 12:28). When Jesus replied that it was to love God with everything you had and love your neighbors as you love yourself, the scribe was so pleased by the response that he told Jesus:

    “‘Well said, teacher,’ the man replied. ‘You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.’ When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.’ And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.” –Mark 12:32-34

    This revelation would be upsetting to the Pharisees and Sadducees especially because they made their fortune through people giving them their offerings and sacrifices. But what Jesus was sharing here is that our words and actions, whether public or private, to God and to those around us are more precious to God than what we can give in appointed offerings. If we love God with everything and share that love with those around us, it is the greatest offering God could ask for. This truth continues to remain true today. When we place God above all else and share His love with those around us, it pleases Him immensely.

    It is also important to remember to love your neighbor as yourself, which means you need to see the love God has for you first; that Jesus died for YOU in order for you to be freed from sin and become the person God intended. For if you don’t realize all the sacrifices God made for you, how can you love others in the same way He has loved you?

    Who Qualifies as Your Neighbor in the Phrase ‘Love Your Neighbor as Yourself’

    As anyone probably would be wondering at this point, who is included as my neighbor nowadays? Remember that when Jesus gave this intuitive statement, neighbors were usually considered people in your village or town; people you would usually see on a regular basis. Today, neighbor still carries some of the same sentiment, as we should share the love of Christ with those in our neighborhoods. But with the advantages of technology and travel now, our neighbors are now global and come from different races, cultures, and sometimes religious beliefs. But in Jesus’s eyes, a neighbor is every living, breathing human God created and Jesus died for. They are the people who are closely walking with Christ, as well as those whose hearts God may still tranform. 

    Even Merriam-Webster Dictionary quotes from the Bible in saying that neighbors are not just those who live locally but “our fellow man.” So, it is safe to say that anyone who has a pulse is your neighbor and needs to be loved as you love yourself. The real question is how do you love your neighbor? Are you supposed to shower them with gifts, as though you were courting them, or flatter them with compliments, or always agree with them to avoid any kind of conflict?

    5 Ways You Can Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

    Before we move forward in giving our list of ways, please be mindful that your neighbor is everyone around you, and that God will place you in situations where you will have to love your neighbor as yourself, whether you want to or not. These are sometimes situations where your neighbor might be the most unpleasant person or someone you don’t think you can relate to at all. But God never lets an opportunity to use you as a vessel of His love slip away.

    1. Say hello and smile to your neighbor, your co-worker, the mailman, the cashier, anyone.

    Something as simple as a smile and a hello can help someone feel he or she matters to someone else. If many are asked, and they are honest, they may say they have never spoken to their next-door neighbors they have lived near for years, or they never have been in a cheerful conversation with their mailman or co-workers. Just taking a moment to get out of your head and problems to say hello and smile to someone else could mean the world to that person who might be in the same dilemma, or worse, as you are. Plus, it also increases your mood as well, as whatever you might have been thinking is now gone, for the moment, from your head.

    2. Continue the conversation past hello by asking how they are, sharing common interests, or even asking about prayer requests.

    Okay, so the interaction has been initiated with the hello and smile, but you can move past the face-value pleasantries with an actual conversation with your neighbor, co-worker, member of your community. Let’s say, for example, you know your mailman is a huge football fan, and you happen to like the same team. If, one Saturday, your mailman is delivering the mail and you happen to see him, take a moment to go out to your mailbox to collect the mail and mention to him about the game last week. That opens the door for you two to have a conversation, which can continue the next time you see your mailman.

    Or, let’s say you always see this one cashier at the grocery store who never seems to smile or just looks like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. Take a moment to get in her check-out lane, say hello and smile, and then ask how her day is going. This could be the opportunity for her to take a moment out of her day to say how her day is going and give you the chance to talk, or even ask to pray for her, as she does her job. You never know until you ask.

    3. Offer to help your neighbor, co-worker, community member with chores.

    Of course, no one wants to add work to their plate, but it is the idea that sometimes if you aren’t comfortable talking to someone you don’t really know, actions can speak louder than words. Whether it is offering to cut the grass of the little, old lady down the street, taking a neighbor’s garbage down to the street when you take your own, or bringing a meal to a family with a new baby or death in the family, simple acts like this let a person know that you care and are showing them the love that Christ has for them as well.

    4. Ask your neighbor over for a meal or to go out to eat somewhere.

    Taking a break from the regular routine and interacting with food always helps people to feel more comfortable and talkative. If you are a whiz in the kitchen, invite a neighbor and his/her family over for a tasty meal and use the opportunity to get to know them on a personal level. If cooking isn’t your thing, suggest to your neighbor about going out to a restaurant and allow him or her to pick. Just as at home, a restaurant of a neighbor’s choosing may allow for the conversation to be more fluid and enjoyable. You could then have the opportunity to discuss jobs, families, thoughts on the world, and hopefully belief in God.

    5. Invite your neighbor over on holidays or bring treats to them for Christmas.

    The holidays can sometimes be the hardest time for some people, especially in light of recent events where people may not get together for safety, so remember your neighbor, co-worker, church member, whoever might be alone during a holiday. Invite your neighbor over for your yearly Fourth of July BBQ, which might give them the opportunity to meet other neighbors, or have them over for dinner with your family on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I’ve gotten in the habit, passed down from my family, of making treats during holidays for our neighbors and have done more of this as a way to check on neighbors during the pandemic. This will allow your neighbor to feel special on that day and erase feelings of sadness or loneliness that the day/the holidays always bring to them.

    These opening connections, facilitated hopefully through more conversations, might present the opportunity to share with them about Jesus or to ask if they have anything you can pray for them about.

    Love God and Love Others

    Jesus told us in Mark 12:31 that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, to extend the love we have for ourselves and for God to all those around us, whether they are our best friends or people nearby we never talk to. The understanding is that our neighbors are not just the friendly Wilsons next door but God’s children all around us, who God has called us to reach out to when maybe others pass them by. Through the suggestions above, you can take a moment out of your day to greet people with a smile, a conversation, even a home-cooked meal to let them know that they are noticed and loved. It also gives us the chance to see and help someone else despite what is going on in our lives, trusting God more to take care of our problems as we minister to someone else.

    You may not be a philosophy quoting ‘Wilson,’ but you can be the caring neighbor who never lets anyone forget that you love God and love others.

    Further Reading

    What Does it Mean to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself?

    How to “Love Your Neighbor As Yourself” – Bible Meaning of Mark 12:31

    10 Ways to Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Shironosov

    Blair Parke is a freelance writer for BibleStudyTools.com and freelance book editor who wrote her first book, “Empty Hands Made Full,” in 2021 about her journey through infertility with her husband. She previously worked for eight years with Xulon Press as an editor. A graduate of Stetson University with a bachelor’s in communications, Blair previously worked as a writer/editor for several local magazines in the Central Florida area, including Celebration Independent and Lake Magazine and currently writes for the Southwest Orlando Bulletin. She’s usually found with a book in her hand or enjoying quality time with her husband Jeremy and dog Molly. You can order her book at Christian Author Bookstore – Xulon Press Publishing and visit her website at Parkeplaceediting.

    This article is part of our larger resource library of popular Bible verse phrases and quotes. We want to provide easy-to-read articles that answer your questions about the meaning, origin, and history of specific verses within Scripture’s context. We hope that these will help you better understand the meaning and purpose of God’s Word in your life today.

    Listen to our Daily Bible Verse Podcast Now!

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    Blair Parke

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  • What Does the Fellowship of Believers Entail?

    What Does the Fellowship of Believers Entail?

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    They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer (Acts 2:42).

    The Day of Pentecost is vitally significant to believers today as we devote ourselves to being people of the Word of God and enjoy the fellowship of believers as the body of Christ and with our Savior, Jesus.

    It reaches new believers through fellowship in the unity of faith, shared purpose, and powerful prayer. As in Acts 2:42, being dedicated to the apostles’ teaching, breaking of bread, and prayer opens the doors of heaven.

    The most significant event of all time was now history. The disciples witnessed their dear friend and teacher die. Still, in awe of the miracle of His resurrection, filled with joy and sorrow, they watched those nail-pierced feet lift from the ground and ascend to heaven.

    The words continued ringing in their ears, “wait for the gift my Father promised,” “you will be baptized in the Holy Spirit,” “you will receive power,” and “you will be my witnesses.” Returning to Jerusalem, they went to the upper room to wait (Acts 1:4-5).

    After 10 days of waiting, Acts 2 tells us a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the house where they were sitting.

    They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. They spoke in other tongues as the Holy Spirit enabled them — another miracle.

    Miracles were familiar to the disciples. They saw blind eyes and deaf ears open, lame people walking, and the dead raised to life.

    People from many neighboring nations celebrating the annual required Jewish festival of Pentecost heard these disciples speak and magnify God in the languages of their nations (2:5-11). Perplexed, they asked, “What does this mean?” (2:12). Others made fun of them, thinking they had too much wine.

    Peter took the opportunity to preach the death and resurrection of Jesus with a call to repentance and forgiveness of sin. This “gift of promise” began bearing fruit.

    Three thousand people accepted the message growing in number from 120 believers in the upper room to 3,000 — an instant family.

    As new followers of Jesus, they “devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to breaking bread, and prayer” (Acts 2:42).

    They met daily in the temple courts and broke bread in their homes, and shared possessions with those in need. Many wonders and signs performed by the apostles fascinated everyone and displayed the power of God through the Holy Spirit. 

    Like-minded faith was essential for the followers of Jesus. Paul, the apostle, wrote, “But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse” (Galatians 1:8).

    Unity in what they believed about Jesus and His teachings was crucial to the fellowship and unity of the faith.

    1. Fellowship in Unity

    Jesus exampled the value of unity: “I and the Father are one” (John 10:30). Unity in the teachings of Jesus became the bedrock that connected them with each other and with Jesus.

    This fellowship, “one Lord, one faith, one baptism” (Ephesians 4:5), paved the way for transformation from the old self to a new self, being “created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24).

    The Apostle John wrote, “We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ” (1 John 1:3, emphasis added).

    Unity in the teachings of Jesus shaped and empowered the purpose of evangelism, “you shall be witnesses,” as they took the gospel everywhere.

    2. Fellowship in Purpose

    To further the purpose, God enabled the apostles “to equip the saints for works of ministry and to build up the body of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12).

    With the Holy Spirit’s help and the apostles’ teaching, their purpose was clear: “Go and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19-20). And “the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved” (Acts 2:47).

    The work of the Holy Spirit within the lives of the believers gave them the power to live in faith and share the gospel. This fellowship of unity and purpose was strengthened through prayer.

    3. Fellowship Is Prayer

    The disciples knew the closeness and conversation with Jesus in the three years they walked with Him. The apostles’ discussion times with Jesus were precious encounters with the Divine, and the new converts were learning from them.

    Jesus taught the disciples, “When you pray, say, ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven’” (Matthew 6:9-13).

    The apostles continued those cherished conversations with Jesus, devoted themselves to prayer, and taught the new converts how to talk and listen to God.

    The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective (James 5:16b). As the apostles, disciples, and new converts prayed and lived in the unity of Jesus’ teachings, the fruit of the Spirit helped them learn to control emotions, live for the eternal, forgive each other, love their enemies, boldly witness, and sharing in the sufferings of Christ through persecution.

    When Peter and John healed a lame man on the way to prayer (Acts 3:1), the authorities threw them in jail, asking, “By what power or what name did you do this?” (4:7).

    Peter, full of the Holy Spirit, proclaimed Jesus, “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved” (4:12).

    When the authorities saw the courage of Peter and John, “they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus” (4:13).

    Reprimanded and warned to stop speaking and teaching in the name of Jesus, they let them go, unable to punish them because all the people were praising God for the miraculous healing.

    The believers were devoted to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, breaking bread, and the Lord’s Supper.

    They followed the pattern Jesus and the disciples did on the night before the crucifixion: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19).

    Through fellowship with God, prayer, sharing meals, communion, and caring for one another, the body of Christ continued to grow and thrive.

    Jesus’ prayer was being fulfilled, “that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you… I in them and you in me — so that they may be brought to complete unity” (John 17:21-23, emphasis added).

    The oneness in faith, purpose, and prayer was the expression of the fellowship of the believers: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer” (Acts 2:42).

    Today, we as believers are directed to live as they did in the Book of Acts, by the same unity of faith, purpose, and prayer. Through the Scripture, we “grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus” (2 Peter 3:18) and are trained to live to please the Lord (2 Timothy 3:16).

    In Know the Scriptures, Dr. Arthur Pierson tells us: “Our Lord is found in the Word, in the letter: the Word is found in Him in the life” (p 29).

    We were made for fellowship with the Lord and with each other, becoming like-minded in faith’s unity, pursuing the purpose of sharing the gospel, “you shall be my witnesses,” through ongoing prayer while living in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Say about Fellowship?

    Can We Have Fellowship with God Through His Word?

    What Is the Meaning of the Body of Christ?

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/rosiesun

    Judy McEachran loves to worship the Author of life and love. She is an ordained pastor and gifted musician who writes and speaks to encourage believers. She pastored churches in the Midwest and after retirement moved to Arizona. She is humbled not only by the gracious love of God but by her devoted husband, two sons, and ten grandchildren. You can visit her website at God Secrets that Impart Life. Find her music on YouTube. Judy’s natural musical giftings invite worshippers into the presence of the Lord.

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    Judy McEachran

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  • How to Trust God Again after Your Divorce

    How to Trust God Again after Your Divorce

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    It is so easy to say we trust God in all things and situations.

    We know we’re supposed to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and not depend on your own understanding” as stated in Proverbs 3:5. But life doesn’t always go as planned. We face many trials and dark, uncertain times.

    Especially when a spouse leaves and refuses to come back. When you’re forced to be the sole provider and main caregiver for your children. And when your entire world falls apart; you don’t know what is going to happen next.

    This is when doubt moves. This is when the devil whispers, did God really say He was going to take care of you? Can you really trust Him with your future?

    Uncertainty about the future is a very real concern for many during and after their divorce. What will life look like when walking this path alone, without the spouse you expected to spend the rest of your life with?

    We often wonder, where is God when all of this is going on. And why is He allowing my partner to leave and/or sin against me?

    Many times in the Bible we read about the lives of others who were living with uncertainty. In my newest book, Your Restoration Journey, an 8-week Bible study for divorced women, I share the stories of many of my favorite Bible characters who also faced mistrust about their future but managed to push through as their restoration story unfolded.

    God wants to give you your restoration story as well!

    Where Is God When Your Marriage Falls Apart?

    The story of the Israelites in the desert was one example I shared for when we wonder where God is when faced with leaving an abusive marriage and walking the path during and after divorce.

    We want Him to come to the rescue and give us our old life back (to the happier times in our marriage) but that’s not always part of His plan.

    For the Israelites, He had something much better planned. They only needed to get through this difficult journey to inherit the divine promise. But they wanted to go back to the land and the life they had known in Egypt.

    The uncertainty and dependence on God for everything were just too much, that’s why they grumbled.

    “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.” – Nahum 1:7

    Even while the Israelites struggled, God sent a constant reminder of His presence, in the form of a cloud by day and a pillar of fire at night (Exodus 13:21).

    The Hebrew phrase ananei hakavod (pronounced: ah-nah-A-hak-a-vard) means divine cloud or Cloud of Glory. God was in the clouds guiding and protecting. He is close to His children both day and night; they find His refuge there in the clouds.

    So when you wonder where is God in my situation, just look up! He’s right there watching over you. And when things seem very dark, remember He keeps you secure under His wing (Psalm 91:4).

    Can I Trust God When I Feel So Much Doubt and Uncertainty?

    I wrote this Bible study to help people of faith understand that they can stop searching for how to obtain their faith and just learn to accept it as a free gift (Ephesians 2:8).

    What is faith? Faith is defined as “a complete trust or confidence in someone or something; a strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than truth.” 

    In the seven years since my divorce, I talked to countless women who said they feel they have lost their faith during the divorce trial or after.

    They explained they could no longer open their Bible without their eyes being filled with tears and hearts filling with doubt and fear about all they were experiencing. They feel as though God’s Word no longer applies to them.

    That is a lie from the enemy to persuade you to walk away from God and your faith (trusting in God).

    The truth is faith can be present at the same time as doubt. You are free to struggle!

    God still loves the doubter.

    Job knew both pain and uncertainty. He even argued with God. He felt uncertain about the future and why he was experiencing this destruction in his life while remembering that God is in control. He even worshipped God in his grief (Job 1:20) showing God that he had hope and faith even in his anger and resentment.

    Instead of seeing faith as a byproduct of the life you always wanted, understand that it’s the practice of accepting hope when all you feel is despair about your circumstances. Jesus is the divine persuasion to believe in something better in this world.

    Something better is coming. It is the truth about His promises. You only have to believe. There is nothing you can do to work for it; only accept it.

    And when Jesus left this earth to ascend into heaven, He left you an Advocate who is walking with you now (John 14:16-17). The Holy Spirit helps remind you of essential truths about God’s character. He keeps His promises, even to divorced people.

    Through listening to your Internal Guide you understand that no matter what happens or where you go, God is always with you on the journey. He goes before you, is above you watching over you with a protective eye, and inside you directing your paths.

    Why Do You Have to Experience This Pain of Divorce?

    It can be very hard to see any benefit coming from the painful experience of divorce. Why would God allow this to happen, especially to you?

    There is no simple answer to this question, as Job found out when he asked God (Job 7:20). But we can look at the rest of God’s Word for the understanding of what kind of outcome God is guiding us towards.

    Joni Eareckson Tada, in her book The God I love, says, “God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves.”

    He doesn’t love divorce. He actually hates what it does to innocent victims. It is violence against the one who should have been protected (Malachi 2:16). But He allows it for your protection and to strengthen your faith in Him.

    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” – Philippians 4:6

    “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7

    “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

    “For we live by faith, not by sight.” – 2 Corinthians 5:7

    “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

    Throughout the Scriptures, we read to not worry, be anxious, or have fear about the future.

    God will lift you up and strengthen you as you endure. He is your constant Helper. He just asks you to seek Him in prayer and petition; He wants to keep you close.

    He promises to work things out for good. And He will see you through everything and give you hope and a future.

    You Are Accepted, Not Rejected

    One of the main reasons divorced people struggle with their faith after divorce is because they feel unloved and no longer accepted by God. Rejection may be a human reaction to divorce (I too have been shunned), but it’s not God’s response.

    God accepts and loves divorced people.

    Jesus, being God’s character personified, showed us through His encounterings with hurting, oppressed, destitute, and even sinful people that He didn’t condemn them. He just showed them His great compassion and lovingkindness.

    When people cry out to Him, no matter the reason, He sees them and hears their cry.

    Not only does Jesus know the pain of being rejected here on earth but so have several women in the Bible, that I affectionately call “Women of Fearless Faith.” In my book, I talk about five prominent women who remind me that I too can step out in faith and trust God for everything from my basic needs to my heart’s desire, and even in times of trials.

    It’s so hard to pick a favorite, but Hagar, Abraham’s second wife and mother of his firstborn son is a notable mention.

    She was a slave with a name that meant “resident alien.” After being impregnated, and abused by her masters, she thought surviving alone in a desert would be easier than staying in that family. It was in the desert that she met God and gave Him the name, “the God who sees (or looks after) me.”

    This is such a great reminder that no matter what you’re facing now, or after divorce, God sees you, the abuse you have endured, the needs you have, and accepts you right where you are.

    You don’t need to clean yourself up for Him or be married again to gain His acceptance. He walks with you when you are at your lowest point. He hears your cry and comes to your rescue, just as He did the alien slave girl, Hagar.

    It is through this uncertain time, walking with God and getting your needs met, that your faith becomes stronger.

    With a deeply rooted, strong faith, you will be able to weather any storm that comes your way. Then, you’ll be free to share that same comfort and acceptance you felt from God, with other hurting and destitute people.

    You will thrive and shine! This is the restoration journey after divorce.

    Parts of this article was taken from Jen’s book, Your Restoration Journey: Rediscovering Your Faith & Yourself After Divorce, published by Surviving + Thriving Ministries, LLC, used with permission.

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Ismael Sanchez

    Jen Grice is a divorce coach and author of the books, You Can Survive Divorce and Your Restoration Journey about recovery and redemption after divorce. After her own unwanted divorce in 2013, Jen started a ministry to encourage and empower Christian women to not only survive but thrive after divorce caused by adultery, abuse, or abandonment. You can learn more about her ministry at JenGrice.com. Jen can also be found on YouTube talking about preparing for and divorcing a narcissist. And her books can be found at B&N or on Amazon.

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    Jen Grice

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  • 8 Real Online Dating Success Stories From People Over 40

    8 Real Online Dating Success Stories From People Over 40

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    “He had sent a flirt to my profile on a dating site about two months earlier. I had no photo with the profile, so it was just what I had written that attracted him. Or, perhaps, he was one of those catfish that flirted with anyone and everyone, playing a numbers game for someone to respond. But there was his flirt, sitting there for months unbeknownst to me because I wasn’t logging in; I wasn’t even looking. But an empty nest and wanderlust called, and out of curiosity to see what was floating out there, I logged in. And, there were not one, but two messages addressed to me, the photo-less woman.

    The site we were on doesn’t allow you to look at photos unless you’ve also uploaded a photo. So, I searched through my photo archives, found a few, and posted them – literally for 20-30 minutes at most. Suddenly, I get pinged with a message. It’s him, and we begin chatting.

    We spoke online through the site for about an hour. Then we shifted to the phone. We must have spoken on and off for nearly 12 hours the first day we ‘met.’ He suggested we meet the following day. As much as I had enjoyed our extended conversation, I hesitated because of the differences in where we both were in our lives. Finally, I agreed to meet him at a local shopping mall – I’m not a big fan of taking extended walks outside in the middle of the winter, plus it was a public place, in case he turned out to be a creep. I left my house late, that fear of success or failure slowing me down. I got there finally, late and offered to buy him the first of many coffees we shared that day. We must have walked miles, covering every square inch of the mall and never running out of things to say. From that moment on, we’ve been nearly inseparable. It’s been a year so far, and I have to say that one of the best things I did was ignore all the reasons I was writing him off and take the chance to meet him in person. He’s become my best friend and my love, and the life we’ve been building together is far more exciting and satisfying than the solo nomad empty nester life I had thought I’d wanted.”

    —Adrienne & Steve, ages 55 & 55

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    Kesiena Boom, M.S.

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  • Drew Barrymore And Chelsea Handler Get Hilariously Blunt About Men’s Dating Profiles

    Drew Barrymore And Chelsea Handler Get Hilariously Blunt About Men’s Dating Profiles

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    But what about blank bios, thirsty topless selfies or the dreaded “Hey” DM?

    Drew Barrymore and Chelsea Handler got real about some of their dating red flags during a game on Barrymore’s talk show Wednesday.

    In the game, the two single women used literal green, yellow and red flags to indicate some modern dating scenarios they’d be into, OK with or not tolerate whatsoever. Eventually, the game touched on some common missteps men make in their online dating profiles, and Barrymore and Handler did not hold back on their grievances.

    Handler admitted she was on an “app that’s harder to get on” (possibly the private service Raya) but said when she looks at her sister’s romantic options on popular apps like Bumble, “every man is holding a fish.”

    “I don’t understand what the allure is,” Handler said. “Like, they’re roping us in with sea bass?”

    The women also did not like it when men list their occupation as “entrepreneur.”

    “It’s so irritatingly vague,” Barrymore said. “I won’t play. Just please be upfront about who you are.”

    Barrymore also said that wealth and power really aren’t her “thing.”

    “I’m not judging you for your job,” she added. Handler agreed and called this particular job title “stupid.”

    “It just sounds like such a crock. What are you talking about? Get specific. What kind of business are you in if you’re an entrepreneur?” Handler said. “That seems like a word that you use when you don’t have a job,” she added.

    Many women — famous or not — have been open about things they’re sick of seeing in men’s dating profiles. There are endless Reddit threads and articles about the topic, but women’s complaints don’t seem to deter men from creating these kinds of profiles.

    So much so that Eddie Hernandez, a San Francisco-based photographer, even created a popular “Cliche Men’s Dating Bingo Card” that features “fish photo” and “entrepreneur,” but also “photo next to car” or “gym, bathroom or bad selfies.” The bingo card also includes overused phrases like a desire for “witty banter” or a “partner in crime.”

    To keep it fair, Hernandez also created a “Cliche Women’s Dating Bingo Card,” which includes “Yoga pose” photos, using phrases like “fluent in sarcasm,” and saying any prospective suitor “must be over 6ft tall.”

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  • 5 Hope-Filled Prayers for Your Marriage

    5 Hope-Filled Prayers for Your Marriage

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    Hope. It’s what we all need more of these days, not only in our personal lives but in our marriages as well. To hope means to want something to happen or something to be true. So, let me ask you this: What do you want to happen in your marriage? What do you want to be true?

    Today, I encourage every married couple to pray these life-giving, hope-filled prayers to the God who hears. Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

    Trust in the One who is able to fill you with abounding hope by the power of His Spirit. Look to Him for the joy and peace you seek. He can be trusted to fill your marriage with life-giving hope again.

    Here are five hope-filled prayers for your marriage:

    1. A Prayer for Togetherness

    Heavenly Father, please unify our hearts under Your loving authority and bring us together like never before. Lord, as life pulls at us and demands our time and energy, help us prioritize time together. We need Your presence in our marriage – Your constant presence of love, joy, and peace. As we schedule date nights, getaways, and times to reconnect, please remind us of the hope we have in You – hope for our future together. As Romans 5:5 says, “Hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Thank You, Father, for uniting us in Your love. Bind us together in perfect harmony and strengthen us for the journey ahead. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.

    2. A Prayer for Trust

    Lord God, please renew our trust – first in You – then in each other. Cast all doubt, fear, and unbelief far from our marriage, and help us to lean into one another with confidence and strength. Rebuild the areas of our marriage that have been worn down over time or chipped away by difficult circumstances. Forgive us for our mistakes, and help us forgive one another. Let our marriage be a faithful example of Your work in our lives – a work of redemption, renewal, and reliance. As Psalm 13:5 says, “I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.” We look to You in the days ahead and put our hope firmly in Your hands. In Jesus’ precious name, amen.

    3. A Prayer for Communication

    Holy God, please open the lines of communication with my spouse in a healthy, honorable way. As Proverbs 15:3 (NLT) says, “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!” Please help us carve out time to talk about our week, plan for our future, and recall Your mighty blessings in our marriage. Please create more time and space for us to listen to each other – really listen. Remove all criticism and judgmental thoughts that try to divide us. Replace our negative thinking with hope-filled excitement that opens our eyes to the possibilities awaiting us. Thank You, Lord, for giving us the right words to say at the right time. We ask for wisdom in this and trust You to lead the way. In Jesus’ name, amen.

    4. A Prayer for Intimacy

    Lord, please help my marriage in the area of intimacy. Prevent busyness, overwhelm, and exhaustion from getting in the way of closeness with my spouse. Show me ways to nurture my marriage by creating an atmosphere of romance and connection. Help us listen to 1 Corinthians 7:3, which says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” And if there needs to be a discussion about our individual needs, let it happen according to Your timeline when both of us are open to what the other has to say. Thank You, God, for creating marriage for intimacy and allowing us to express our love in such a meaningful way. In the holy name of Jesus, amen.

    5. A Prayer for Faithfulness

    Gracious God, I look to You to bless my marriage with a hope-filled future and pray for a deep, committed faith in You. Please draw my spouse close to Your heart and strengthen their faith right where they are. Remind us of Proverbs 3:3, which says, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” Please fill our marriage with good fruits – the fruit of Your Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Help us live by these characteristics and show these holy attributes in the way we interact. Remind us of our wedding vows – vows to be faithful and true to one another through good times and bad. Strengthen our commitment to remain in Your will and walk in the hope you provide. Our faith is in You, Lord, and we trust You to do mighty things in our home and in our marriage. In the name of Jesus, our Savior, amen.

    More Hope-Filled Prayers for Your Life:

    10 Prayers for Hope When You’re Tired of the Struggle

    Prayers for Strength to Find Comfort and Hope

    5 Hopeful Prayers for New Beginnings in Your Life

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/InnerVisionPRO

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    Jennifer Waddle

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  • A Prayer for My Husband

    A Prayer for My Husband

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    When God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him,” it was for the beautiful purpose of blessing Adam with a life companion. Together, they would build a home, a family, and a legacy.

    God’s perfect design for marriage is to unite husbands and wives – first to Himself – then to each other. “And the two shall become one flesh.” In this context, a wife’s prayers are powerful intercessions for her husband. She knows him intimately, what concerns him, what keeps him awake at night, what motivates him and brings him joy.

    So, no matter how busy we are, praying for our husbands is vital to our role as wives. They need it, they deserve it, and they will greatly benefit from it. As 1 John 5:15 says, “And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.”

    Here are five specific prayers to pray for your husband:

    1. For Their Heart

    Gracious God, please touch my husband’s heart with Your love today. Give him the assurance that You love him with everlasting love and want what is best for him. When he is frustrated, please give him a sense of peace and calm to handle the situation with integrity. When he is down, be the lifter of his head and draw his eyes towards you. Thank You, Lord, for safeguarding his heart, keeping him close, and reminding him of Your great love. Help me to be understanding, kind, and loving towards him so that he always has a soft place to land. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.

    2. For Their Mind

    Lord God, please fill my husband’s mind with good and pleasant things today. Whenever negative thoughts come in, please replace them with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and worthy of praise. I ask for a deep sense of peace to fill his mind so that he knows everything will be alright. Give him wisdom in all his decisions and interactions with others and grant him understanding when confusion arises. Most of all, help him set his mind on You, the Author and Perfecter of his faith. In the name of Jesus, amen.

    3. For Their Soul

    Heavenly Father, I pray for my husband’s soul, the very depths of who he is. Please settle all feelings of unworthiness and shame. Remind him of the redemption he has in Your Son, Jesus. Fill his soul with hope and joy that surpasses all understanding. I ask for a mighty work of Your grace to inhabit the center of his being so that he will not walk in the heaviness of his soul but in the lightness of Your presence. Please assure him that Your yoke is easy, and Your burden is light; he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. Thank You for my husband’s precious soul – for who You created him to be. Help me be supportive of him in good times and bad. In Jesus’ mighty name, amen.

    4. For Their Strength

    Lord, thank You for being my husband’s strength today. In all that he does, please continue to lead him by Your Spirit and strengthen his frame. When he feels tired, be the refreshment he needs. When he is sick, be his gentle Healer. And when he is worn out, please fill him with life and vitality to face another day in the joy of knowing You. Lord, show me ways I can help meet my husband’s needs and fill in some gaps when he is overwhelmed. Help me be aware of his struggles so I can be the companion You created me to be. Thank You for strengthening our marriage and keeping us in step with Your Spirit. In Jesus’ name, amen.

    5. For Their Purpose

    Lord God, as life becomes mundane, please remind my husband of Your divine purpose. Speak new life into his heart, mind, and soul so that he won’t allow complacency to take root. As a couple, please clarify what you want us to do for Your glory and the good of others. Awaken us to the bigger purpose of drawing others to Your Son. Help us work together in every way, making our home a haven of peace and our family a unified force for good. We want to live within Your purpose for our lives. Thank You for leading my husband in the way he should go so that he can lead our family on the narrow path of righteousness, for Jesus’ sake. It is in His precious name I pray, amen.

    Check out these articles for more ways to pray for your husband:

    How to Pray for Your Husband

    20 Essential Prayers for Your Husband

    How to Pray for Your Husband instead of Trying to Change Him

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/PeopleImages

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  • 7 Inexpensive Ways to Encourage Your Friend

    7 Inexpensive Ways to Encourage Your Friend

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    We all experience seasons of feeling discouraged. We go through difficult situations, or something unexpected happens. We know that hard times are just part of life, and we know that Jesus is victorious in the end (John 16:33), but sometimes, we still feel stuck in the here and now. When we have a friend who is in need of encouragement, we are called to support that friend in a godly way. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to “encourage one another and build each other up,” and Hebrews 3:13 says, “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘today.’” We aren’t to let people take advantage of us—Jesus modeled good boundaries—but when a friend needs some healthy encouragement, we can be the ones to offer it. 

    Don’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from reaching out. Friends need to know that you care and that you are available. The willingness to be involved while a friend is going through a difficult season is what counts. You don’t have to get it all right or know what to do, but you do have to try. Avoidance for fear of doing the wrong thing unnecessarily destroys relationships. Be willing to be the one to go first, admit that you don’t know what is best to do, and keep showing love. Pay attention to what your friend says, needs, and responds well to. When you reach out in love, you truly can’t do it wrong. “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). 

    Here are some inexpensive or free ways to encourage a friend: 

    1. Cards or Letters

    In a world of technology, we have begun to forget the power of the handwritten card. The joy and encouragement you can so easily bring to someone by sending them a piece of handwritten mail is a hundredfold the effort it takes to complete the task. When an encouraging note from a friend is mixed in with the bills and junk mail, the impact is felt in the soul. “Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (Proverbs 16:24, NLT).

    2. Texts

    In addition to handwritten notes, a quick text to let a friend know you are thinking of her is always welcome. You do not have to solve all of her problems or be able to fix her pain. You just have to be a friend, and “a friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). A text as simple as “Thinking about you and praying for you today” or “Hope today is a good one!” can put a smile on her face. If you have a funny story to share or an encouraging Bible verse, text your friends, and it will let them know they are loved. 

    3. Talk and Walk

    It has been proven that exercise impacts mood. Our bodies and our minds benefit from exercise and fresh air. If possible, take a walk outside. If outside isn’t an option, find an indoor place. You could try a gym or even an indoor mall. If walking doesn’t work, you can find a low-impact exercise inside the house– yoga or simple arm movements. Get creative. Most of us can find some way to move our bodies. When we exercise, we are not only caring for our physical component but our emotional one as well. Our moods improve, and we can often think through things with a new perspective. If you have a friend who needs a little pick-me-up, offer to talk a walk with her and see the benefits pour in. You don’t even have to discuss the issue at hand for a nice, long walk to help her with that issue. Just being with a friend can be an encouragement in itself. Not every meeting has to be a problem-solving one. A lovely conversation about anything can relieve stress about something else. “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up” (Proverbs 12:25). 

    4. Homemade Gift

    If you are crafty, a homemade gift can be a beautiful way to encourage a friend. Taking the time to create something from your own heart and talent shows how deeply you care about a person. Perhaps you paint or draw or write poetry. Maybe you make your own jewelry or cross stitch or create handmade cards. Whatever your talent, friends will feel loved and cared for when you make something for them.  

    I, for one, do not possess many creative talents. But I have a deep passion for feeding people. When a friend is grieving, discouraged, confused, or just going through a difficult time, you can rest assured that I will bring a meal. It may not be fancy, but it will be intentional. There is a good chance that I doubled the meal I was making for my own family, and it is a guarantee that I thought of you and prayed for you as I cooked. When my family adopted our son with special needs, we were blessed for weeks by friends’ bringing us dinner. It was a very difficult time of transition, but I felt so loved by all of the people who fed us. My older kids and I still say, “Life is good when people bring you meals.” Bonus points when dessert is included!

    5. Ask 

    Sometimes we don’t know what to do to lift up a friend. You are allowed to ask when you don’t know. Just remember that asking “how can I help?” is often overwhelming to someone going through a hard time. She is trying to process so much that she can’t even think about giving you guidance on how to help. A better option is to tell her what you are going to do and then give her choices: 

    “I am going to bring you dinner. Would you like it on Tuesday or Friday?” 

    “I will take the dog for a walk tomorrow. Is morning or afternoon better?”

    “I’m heading to the grocery store. You can text me a list, or I can pick up a few things for dinner.” 

    “Would it be more helpful if I took your kids to the park for the afternoon or washed your laundry?”

    6. Speak Encouraging Words/Praise

    The Bible is full of verses to encourage us, and we can use Scripture to encourage others. We can speak these words to our friends when they are in need of encouragement during challenging times. We should also speak God’s Word to ourselves to remind our souls of God’s great love and eternal presence. Here are some of my favorite encouraging verses: 

    “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

    “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

    “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” Psalm 34:4-7

    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

    7. Prayer

    May we never forget that in every situation, we have direct access to the Creator of the universe, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Savior of the world. Prayer is effective. Prayer changes hearts and minds and situations. Whatever you do to directly encourage your friend, do all of it with a prayerful heart, and watch God work. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/DMEPhotography

    Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.

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  • 4 Prayers for a Struggling Marriage

    4 Prayers for a Struggling Marriage

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    Growth in marriage sometimes requires us to take a step back in order to move forward in a fresh direction. When we see a negative cycle spinning out of control in our relationship, it can be easy to want to throw all we have into “fixing” the problem. Even worse, we can run away feeling defeated and powerless to change the broken spaces in our relationships. While taking action is important (it’s never wise to ignore red flags in our marriages), sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is to take a step back just to pause and invite God into our mess. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Our mysterious God reminds us that he does his best work when we step aside and take a posture of still surrender in his presence.

    This space isn’t the I’m-so-fed-up-with-you-I-never-want-to-talk-again kind of space. It is you, as a spouse, intentionally choosing to be still. It’s in these moments of stillness we are reminded that God is the one that empowers us to be the spouses we are called to be! In the stillness, we realize our marriages are more than just about us and our needs but a place where we can live out the Bible’s call to “serve one another with love” (Galatians 5:13).

    In this space of humble, prayerful invitations or sometimes desperate cries for help to our capable and big God, we can have the grace to step back and allow the waters of our relationship to calm. When we relinquish our rights and control and realize that God is the only one able to heal the damaged places between us, we are also free to stop poking and pestering one another over the same old failures. We are free to begin to forgive each other for the mounting hurts that want to tear us apart.

    Being still may look like not pointing out every flaw or choosing to extend grace when things don’t go as planned rather than fighting for your right to right. It even can look like turning the other cheek (Matthew 5:38-40). Biblical marriage is one filled with humility, sacrificial love, and forgiveness.

    In this place of holy invitation, prayer is our weapon! We can call on the Angel armies of Heaven to do what only God can do in our homes. It takes such trust and humility to lay down our own battle weapons. It’s a deep surrender to let go of our own right to defend ourselves and trust God to be our guard and guide. We are not alone in this fight; God is with us and gives us the strength to step back and love our partners beyond what could ever be considered reasonable.

    Here are some prayers for your struggling marriage:

    1. A Prayer for Forgiveness

    Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

    Father, would you give each of us the strength, grace, patience, and wisdom to display your kindness and compassion towards one another. Would you bring to light the ways unforgiveness has made way for a root of bitterness to poison our relationship. Give us the strength to unpack the baggage that the years have created gracefully. Open our hearts to experience your miraculous gift of forgiveness. May we follow your example of loving beyond what is reasonable. Please help us stop counting wrongs and embrace your example of amazing grace in our home. Amen.

    Ephesians 5:33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

    God, graciously give us the ability to see each other as you see us. Show us the ways that you love your spouse. Help us focus on their gifts, talents, service, and love. Open our eyes to the reality of the endless mercy you have bestowed on each of us. Empower us to regard each other with love and respect. Grant us the self-control and humility to pause and hear each other before defending ourselves. Let love and respect permeate our interactions. Amen.

    3. A Prayer for Renewed Love

    1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

    God, I thank you for being a God of love and teaching us to be like you. I am so thankful that your word instructs us on how to follow your ways and gives us practical advice for our lives. May you help our marriage to be once again filled with love. Give both the ability to be patient, kind, humble, protect each other, lay down resentment, and rejoice in all things. May you bear the heavy things we have endured. Would you give us hope in the dark seasons of life! Bless them with a lasting love that carries them through a lifetime together. Bless each of us with a heart of love for one another. Amen.

    4. A Prayer for Wisdom

    James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.

    God, give each marriage the wisdom it needs to step forward, one step at a time. Give us the strength to follow you first in a world that does not understand God’s way. Speak to our hearts about the wise next step for our marriage and family. Help us to see past the distractions that are thrown at us and be able to follow your narrow way. Silence the voices of confusion, discouragement, distraction, or temptation that would want to entrap us in folly. Help us to trust you and follow you for all of our days. Amen.

    If you are in need of a new direction, God invites you to take a moment and pause before searching out one more self-help article. He wants you to go to him before throwing up your hands in defeat or packing that beg out of anger. There is a different option that includes God’s miraculous marriage healing power! It goes against our every instinct to run, defend, justify, or fix. God prompts us to be still in his presence, to remember that God is in control of all the threads that make up your life together, and invite him in to do the restorative work that only he can do. Seek Him first, and then find that new path forward together.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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    Amanda Idleman

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  • How Fathers Positively Impact Their Children’s Lives

    How Fathers Positively Impact Their Children’s Lives

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    Fathers fill a role in every child’s life that no one else can. This role can significantly impact a child’s development and help shape him or her into the person they will become in the future. Fathers, like mothers, play an important role in the emotional development of their children. Children look to their fathers to establish and enforce ground rules. They also look to their fathers to provide both physical and emotional security.

    Children want to please their fathers, and an involved father encourages inner growth and strength. A child’s cognitive and social development is immensely influenced when the father is affectionate and supportive. It also promotes overall well-being and self-confidence. As we grow, fathers shape not only who we are on the inside but also how we interact with others. What a child looks for in other people is influenced by how he was treated by his father.

    Friends, lovers, and spouses will all be chosen based on how the child perceives the meaning of the father’s relationship. A father’s behavioral patterns in his relationships with his children will influence how his children interact with others. Young girls rely on their fathers for emotional and physical security. Besides physical security, a father demonstrates to his daughter the benefits of having a good relationship with a man. If a father is gentle and loving, his daughter will seek those qualities in men when she is old enough to start dating. And if a father is strong and supportive, his daughter will be drawn to similar men.

    Boys emulate their fathers’ personalities as well. From a young age, they seek approval from their fathers subconsciously. We grow up as humans by imitating the behavior of those around us; this is how we learn to function in the world. If a father is kind and respectful to others, his sons will be similarly raised. When a father is absent, young boys look to other male figures for guidance on how to behave and survive in the world.

    Reasons Why Children Require Fathers

    Having two loving parents in their lives benefits children. Whether their father is still living in the family home or their parents have divorced, fathers play a vital role in raising their children. There are so many advantages to having a father actively involved in a child’s life that it’s worth reviewing the advantages and remembering why it’s important for children to spend quality time with their father.

    1. For fun and friendship 

    Fathers engage in more physical and vigorous play with their children. They have more physical contact and spend more of their time playing. How fathers interact with their children improves their coordination and ability to control their strength. Children who have an involved father are likely to have better social skills and more intimate friendships with less conflict.

    2. To maintain equilibrium

    Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  

    Children benefit from having two parents with opposing viewpoints and personalities. Having both parents with diverse strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives helps children grow up more well-rounded.

    3. To help them understand men 

    Children can best learn about manliness by watching male role models. And a father is uniquely suited to be that role model. This is especially true for boys over the age of six. They learn the male tendencies to protect, provide, educate and establish firm boundaries. Fathers are responsible for demonstrating to children that real men can be self-sufficient, do housework, and hug and kiss their children! And they see how men dress, eat, and grow stubble on their chins differently!

    4. To further improve their education

    Responsible fathers are interested in their children’s education. When children see their fathers regularly, they are more likely to perform well in school. Dads instill in their children the value of education and how to succeed. One of the most important factors influencing how well girls perform academically is their father’s faith in them. When fathers are involved in their children’s education, they are more likely to get good grades, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities. 

    5. For good mental health and self-esteem

    Children who have an actively involved father are less likely to suffer from depression, suicide, self-harm, and other mental health issues than those who do not. Children who despise their fathers will experience far more mental and emotional problems as they grow older. Children’s self-esteem is heavily influenced by their father’s time and attention. Spending time with a father can improve a child’s self-esteem. The more fathers interact with their children, the more influence they have. 

    When children do not have a father figure in their lives, they experience guilt, upset, and self-doubt well into adulthood.

    Ways for Dads to Have a Positive Influence on Their Children

    1. Make yourself available and approachable to them

    Fathers must make time in their busy schedules to give their children their undivided attention. Children who have emotionally available parents outperform their peers in terms of social, academic, and well-being outcomes. We can lose sight of the fact that our children are people, especially as they mature into intensely private, hormonal adolescents. We become dismissive or disapproving, snappy, and snarky. By responding to our children warmly, even when we don’t feel like it, we demonstrate that we value them as people rather than as inconvenient nuisances.

    A gentle touch, a smile, or soft words warm up a relationship and increase the likelihood that we will be heard and have a positive influence on our children’s lives. You must love them unconditionally and demonstrate your love for them through your actions and the way you communicate with them. The love you have for your children is what they will remember for most of their lives as they grow up.

    2. Teach them the ways of the Lord

    As a father, you are the ultimate teacher and the figure your child will look to as they grow up. This automatically makes it your responsibility to teach them the ways of the Lord. 

    Introducing them to the words of God and teaching them to have faith in God and live according to his commands will make you a responsible spiritual mentor and make your life much easier as a parent. 

    Proverbs 22:17-19 “Bow down thine ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply thine heart unto my knowledge. For it is a pleasant thing if thou keep them within thee; they shall withal be fitted in thy lips. That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee.”

    3. Be fair to them and learn to set boundaries

    Fairness is a strength that helps us maintain positive family relationships. Children have a keen sense of what is fair and what is not. Find as many ways as you can to help your children perceive your efforts to make life more equitable for everyone in the family. You might think about chores and responsibilities, pocket money, and spending time with you.

    Also, learn to set boundaries. Our children, including our teenagers, perform best when their behavior is checked. The children will frequently argue with you. Setting limits indicates that you are having a positive influence on your children. The goal is to avoid becoming too authoritarian, which will drive undesirable behavior underground.

    4. Learn to listen without always trying to fix them

    Parents are, without a doubt, excellent problem solvers. We can mend sprained ankles, broken hearts, tangled friendships, and even solve homework assignments. But, sometimes, our children do not require us to fix them. They want us to listen and understand what they are going through. We are more understanding—and more likely to be listened to—when we see the world through their eyes.

    5. Set high but reasonable goals

    Parents who set high expectations for their children tend to have children who live up to those expectations, as long as they are communicated warmly within reasonable boundaries and we have our children’s (rather than our own) best interests in mind.

    Set high standards for academic achievement, morality, alcohol and drug use, and friendships. You will have a long-lasting positive influence on your children and their decisions if you do it with warmth and kindness.

    6. Tell them about your difficulties

    Don’t act as if you’re immune to life’s difficulties because you’re a man. Instead, explain some of your difficulties to your children. Give them insight into how you solve problems. Demonstrate to them that good things do not come easy; they require hard work, sacrifice, and a great deal of discipline. 

    As a father, your resilience in the face of adversity can have a tremendous positive impact on the lives of your children.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/yacobchuk

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  • How Does the Bible Caution Us about Toxic People?

    How Does the Bible Caution Us about Toxic People?

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    “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

    The word “toxic” evokes an image of something poisonous that poses a danger to anyone who approaches it. We often use this word in relation to chemicals and waste matter. Every once in a while, though, a person can be described this way.

    Like signs that caution us not to touch hazardous material, Scripture warns us about the danger of spending time with someone who can spread false and destructive beliefs. Part of the problem is the actual behavior they display. But perhaps the more concerning issue is how easily their attitudes can contaminate those around them.

    What Is a Toxic Person?

    Being toxic goes beyond being disagreeable or even troublesome. In fact, one definition of the term reads, “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.” This points to the seriousness of having someone toxic in our lives: not only can they affect our mood by what they do and say, but their negative spirit can end up bringing our hearts down as well.

    In the Old Testament book of Proverbs, we find cautions about getting too closely connected to someone with a noxious personality because of the trouble it brings to us:

    “A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth, who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart — he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant; he will suddenly be destroyed — without remedy” (Proverbs 6:12-15).

    “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

    “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).

    What the Bible Says about Toxic People

    Scripture tells us repeatedly that a person’s true beliefs will eventually show themselves in an outward way. Jesus Himself spoke of the connection between toxic thoughts and toxic behavior.

    “He went on: ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles them.  For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come — sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person’” (Mark 7:20-23).

    Many times, a toxic person has lived that way for so long, he or she is unaware of their heart condition. That can lead someone to believe they are always right, and to freely express all their opinions.

    “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

    If confronted about it, that person might not see the problem with their thoughts or actions. So, they may not respond well to correction, even given in love – at least at first.

    “‘I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you’” (Psalm 32:8-9).

    Verses and Examples of Toxic People in Scripture

    God’s Word gives us examples of those who not only disregarded His Ways, but openly tried to turn others against Him. Some were willing to repent and become aligned again with the Lord, but others stubbornly kept to their ways and suffered the consequences.

    King Saul

    “He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice” (1 Samuel 18:10-11).

    “Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. ‘I will give her to him,’ he thought, ‘so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him’” (1 Samuel 18:20-21).

    The Pharisees

    “‘Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to’” (Matthew 23:13).

    “Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words” (Matthew 22:15).

    Some at the End Times 

    “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God — having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

    As Christians, How Should We Respond to Toxic People in Our Lives?

    God is passionate about protecting the purity of His people, and yet hopes that all will eventually come to repentance. So while He calls us to reach out to and show His love to all we meet, the Lord warns us not to let ourselves be contaminated in the process. But it is a challenging balance to strike.

    Part of that balance has to do with staying strong in our own faith. Studying God’s Word daily and fellowshipping with other believers are just two activities that keep us aligned with Him. When we have a strong foundation, ministering to others becomes another way to worship the Lord.

    Some verses instruct us to keep seeking the good of others, no matter what their manner toward us might be.

    “‘…bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you’” (Luke 6:28).

    “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).

    Another way to maintain the right balance in this area is to keep our personal boundaries healthy and secure. If we become too weary or tempted, our own faith could be at risk. So, while working for the good of others, we must respect our needs, too.

    “Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position” (2 Peter 3:17).

    And in the end, we must give others the respect of making their own choices, and realize that God will decide their fate.

    “Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

    Is God’s Grace Sufficient for the Toxic People in Our Lives?

    When people are willing to be honest, self-aware and humble, God’s grace is more than enough do a life-altering work in them. He longs to be asked into someone’s heart, so He can help them become more like Christ.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

    God often works through His people as well:

    “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:8-11).

    “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:3-4).

    Though we may long to help even the most toxic people, we must protect our own well-being. As we decide whether to actively reach out to them, or to quietly keep them in prayer, we must look to God to help us keep our faith pure and strong in the process.

    In Psalms 101, David declares a pledge that we can say for ourselves:

    “I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it. The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil. Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate. My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; the one whose walk is blameless will minister to me. No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence” (Psalm 101:3-7).

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/kieferpix

    Heather Adams is an author, speaker, and singer living in Connecticut. Heather’s passion is to equip and encourage believers to seek more of God’s truth and to experience more of His joy each day. Her book, Bow Down: The Heart of a True Worshipper is a practical, 30-day devotional about worship based on the writings of King David. Heather’s blog, Worship Walk Ministries, offers weekly Scripture passages and insights to ponder. A native New Englander, Heather is settling into her home in the South, trying out local foods and watching for the alligators that live nearby! You can connect with her on her website: heatheradamsworshipwalk.com

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  • 5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

    5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

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    In the book The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman helps readers understand their spouses better by revealing the five ways in which they give and receive love: quality time, access service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. The longer a couple has been married, the more difficult it can be to express love and intimacy to each other. It is important to know your spouse’s love language and express it often. If you have difficulty identifying which love language your spouse needs most, understand that your spouse gives love the way they like to receive love. 

    Here are five reasons it’s important to know your spouse’s love language: 

    1. It Increases the Bond of Intimacy

    The marriage relationship is perhaps one of the most intimate relationships we can have. When we love others deeply, more than likely they will love us deeply as well. The love we receive meets those deep emotional needs for connection and intimacy we were created to have here on earth. Giving and receiving love in a deep way increases communication which, in turn, strengthens the bond of intimacy created between a loving couple. 

    2. It Is Your Duty to Love Your Spouse

    Ephesians 5:22-28 is perhaps one of the most commonly quoted passages to marriage, but it does serve as a blueprint for the way husbands and wives should treat each other: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” 

    We are not instructed to love others the way we want to be loved but rather loving others with no strings attached. That is the unconditional love God gives to us, and he wants us to give that to our spouses. By speaking their love language, your spouse will understand that you make your marriage a priority and want to do the work it takes to establish a long, healthy relationship. 

    3. It Honors Your Commitment to God

    Whether you took your marriage vows on the beach, in someone’s backyard, or a church, you made those vows before God. God created the marriage as a covenant between two loving people so they may enjoy a glimpse of the love we will share with God when we get to heaven. Whether you chose to take traditional vows or write your own, part of the commitment you make on your wedding day is to love, honor, and cherish your spouse ‘till death do you part. This does not mean you get to stop loving your spouse the minute they don’t give you the love you feel you need. When you honor your marriage by speaking your spouse’s level language, you demonstrate your honor toward God and the commitment you made as well. This gives God glory and shows the world what it will be like when Jesus returns for his church.

    4. It Makes Them Feel Seen and Known

    One of our deepest needs as human beings is to be seen and known by God and others. Nothing shows a spouse that you see and know them deeper than anyone else’s by expressing love in their love language. Expressing love in a language they can understand helps them best appreciate and receive the love you give. If you speak in a love language that doesn’t affect them, it will not meet their deep emotional needs. Giving a back rub when your spouse is in pain without being asked is a great way to show physical touch to your spouse and meet their physical needs for comfort as a result.

    One of the reasons God reserved sex for the marriage relationship is because when love is shown in a deep way, it creates a bond between two people that is difficult to break. Mental images surrounding the experience will stay with that couple even if the relationship has resolved. Marriage was designed for two people to be fully known and allow a trusted partner to see and know everything about them, even their weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections. That is not something to reveal to just anyone. Marriage allows two people to be fully who they are (warts and all) to each other. A good marriage provides a safe environment where both people can express themselves in every way without fear of judgment or condemnation. This is how people want to be seen and known by all, yet they must discern to whom they can reveal the most intimate parts of themselves. That revelation should be reserved for the marriage covenant only. By speaking their love language, you demonstrate you understand your spouse fully and that you are a trusted partner who knows them and accepts them and loves them in a way unique to them. 

    5. It Is a Tangible Example of Your (and God’s) Love for Them

    It’s easy to say, “I love you,” but words not backed up with actions can be difficult to believe. It is the same in our spiritual lives. Although we are saved by grace, and there’s nothing we can do to earn that grace, Scripture also says that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:26). If we love God, we will demonstrate that love both to others and ourselves to show our belief in love for him and honor him in the ways he intended.

    It is the same in our marriages. We say we will love, honor, and cherish our spouses, but if we don’t demonstrate tangible examples of that love, how easy will it be for this spouse to believe otherwise? If your spouse is someone who loves words of affirmation, make a point to send a text or write a note once a week letting them know you love them. Highlight their good qualities and things that made you fall in love with them. If your spouse loves acts of service, make a to-do list of all the home improvements or repairs you need to make. Tackle one task a week and be sure to complete it. If your spouse loves quality time, seek to plan at least one date night a month or designate quality time without screens or technology once a week in your home. Invest in your marriage by spending quality time cultivating a loving relationship between you and your spouse. Save money each week until you can buy that perfect gift for your spouse. If they are a person who loves gifts, they will love the thoughtfulness you put into the gift (and we’ll love they don’t have to pay for it either). If they love physical touch, make a point to rub their back, hold her hand, or brush their hair at night to soothe them before they go to bed. This is a great way to establish a relaxing bedtime routine and demonstrate love through physical touch.  

    In the same way, we are called to demonstrate our belief in God in tangible ways. We are to demonstrate our love for our spouses in tangible ways by communicating with them in their love language. By understanding them better, you will be able to give love in a way that meets their deepest emotional needs, and in return, they will do the same.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

    4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

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    “Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.” Proverbs 27:9 (TPT)

    I am a mountains girl. However, being born and raised and still residing in Texas, I don’t get the luxury of stepping outside and being greeted by their majestic beauty. Thankfully, when the mountains are calling, we do our best to pack up the entire family (including the dog) and make the 15-hour trek to answer the call. Even though it’s only about once a year, it’s absolutely blissful.

    My closest friends know of my deep love for the mountains. They know that it’s my happy place. Which is why last Valentine’s Day was so special. We made a pack to go on a girls’ trip to the mountains. But those plans quickly changed after losing my sweet momma unexpectedly in the spring.

    In the midst of my grief, one of my sweet friends gave me a gift that touched my heart and blessed me beyond words. Before she gave it to me, she said, “I know how much you love the mountains. But… I also know how much you love coffee, so take this and go meet God on your porch swing, for now, until we go on that girls’ trip.” It was a coffee mug wrapped in a beautiful landscape of the mountains. My sweet friend’s thoughtful gift has given me peace and comfort on countless mornings. 

    As Valentine’s Day quickly closes in and we scurry around searching for ways to make everyone feel special and loved, let’s be mindful of those sweet friendships in our lives that are such a blessing to us. That friend who always checks in on you. That friend who can always conjure up a smile (or giggle) no matter what the situation. That friend who forces you out of your comfort zone to grow you and hold you accountable. That friend who makes you a better wife, mom, sister, and all the other roles you carry. 

    These are the sweet friends that awake our hearts with joy, and spending time with them is a gift in and of itself. Let’s bless them this Valentine’s Day with simple acts of kindness. Need some ideas? Here are four simply sweet ways to do just that:

    Pray for Her

    Is there anything sweeter than the gift of a prayerful friend? One of the most powerful ways we can bless our friends is by praying for them. Whether they are facing a challenging time, walking into a new season, or having to make big decisions, our prayers are priceless! Prayer connects us in a deep way as we show our vulnerability and take our hearts earnestly to the Father. 

    Here are four ways you can pray and lift up your precious friends:

    Pray for Her to Have Peace

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

    Father, I pray you grant my friend peace. Lead and guide her to Your will and Your way. Help her place her trust in You. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Seek Wisdom

    “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

    Lord, I lift up my friend to You. Please grant her wisdom and discernment. Help her seek You and find direction in Your precious Word. Let her tuck it in her heart. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Cling to Hope

    “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

    God, You know the hopes and dreams of my dear friend. You plant them in her heart. Please help her set her eyes on You and pursue the dreams You lay before her. Amen.

    Pray for Her Healing

    “Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2

    Gracious God, my friend is in need of healing. You know her intimately and exactly what ales her. I ask that You bring forth healing if it is Your will and reveal how I can help her in this time of need. Amen.

    Serve Her and Her Family

    “We will all face troubles in this life and walk through difficult seasons, maybe even some that are just too much to bear. This is when we as a body of believers can come alongside one another in love and service.” (Galatians 6:2)

    After my mom passed, the outpour of love truly touched my heart. It allowed me to remind myself to keep breathing because many days, I was overcome by such sorrow I found that I couldn’t catch my breath. A close friend then gently told me that anxiety can be a part of grief. Her friendship helped me navigate one of the darkest times of my life. She sent me encouraging notes, offered to help with the children, and gave hugs whenever I needed them. She was such a blessing.

    If you have a sweet friend walking through some murky waters, reach out and touch base with her. Let her know she isn’t doing this alone.

    Bend an Ear

    Attentive listening seems to be a foreign concept these days. We have so many distractions and noises around us at any given point that our attention span has shriveled up to mere nanoseconds. At least, it appears to be that way. I, for one, can tell you I have a very hard time focusing when there is a lot of noise. 

    But, when someone actually takes the time to tune all the noise out and really listen – it’s noticed! And what a blessing it is! 

    When you get together with your sweet friends, be sure to bend your ear and actually tune in to what they are saying. Be intentional by placing your phone on silent or putting it away. Give her time to talk so she feels heard and validated. As difficult as it may be, try not to formulate your response (bite your tongue if you have to) and just be present. 

    Present thoughtful questions and be genuine in your approach by asking how you can provide support and prayer while offering encouragement. A friend that takes the time to listen, and truly listen, will be the one that has your back in all kinds of situations. Treasure those friends!

    Give a Thoughtful Gift

    Are you a gift giver? My sister’s love language is gifts, and I can attest to it in saying that she might quite possibly be the best “gift giver” there is. Anyone who knows her would say the same. She makes it not just about the gift but about the entire presentation. She goes a little crazy for Christmas and birthdays and even hosts a Galentine’s party with crafts for her friends to take home.

    Maybe you enjoy giving and receiving gifts as well. If you have a friend who feels loved when you get her a gift, be sincere and think about what would really make her day, such as the coffee mug my sweet friend gave to me. It really is the thought behind the gift that matters to her. 

    While I am not nearly as good at giving gifts as my sister, I do love when I find a gift and it immediately makes me think of a dear friend. It’s also fun to watch them light up when they receive it. It truly blesses us both! 

    Well, there you have it, my friend. Go and bless your sweet friends. Shower them in love, and may you receive their blessings of love as well. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Simon Lehmann

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • 3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

    3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

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    The vows we make to one another on our wedding day is a promise to be faithful to one another.

    We declare to each other and in front of our loved ones that we are in. We are there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    We are each other’s people for life! It is such a beautiful and powerful pledge of commitment that we make to one another.

    The covenant of marriage that God honors and desires us to remain faithful to whenever possible. Matthew 19:6 says it this way, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

    God desires those heartfelt and optimistic words we declare at the start of our marriage to remain true over the course of the life we spend with our partners.

    God also knows this is not an easy task! Choosing to love the same person over years of new responsibilities, needs, interests, wishes, struggles, pains, and joys requires more than we have to give on our own strength.

    We need Jesus to be able to faithfully love each other well. Let’s explore what God’s word says about remaining faithful to our marriage and some practical ways we can live this out in our daily lives together.

    Here are 3 Scriptures about faithfulness:

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”

    God’s Spirit alive in us looks like living a life marked by the fruits of the Spirit. This is the evidence that we are followers of Jesus.

    These are the things that set us apart from the world around us. That evidence includes being faithful to our relationships, commitments, believes, to God, and to our marriages.

    “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

    We don’t have to be faithful through our own strength. God knows that we will be tempted, that life is filled with hardship, and that darkness seeks to entice us with the lie of forbidden pleasure. God encourages us but reminding us that HE IS FAITHFUL.

    We can overcome the temptations that are common to this world because God’s power is at work in our lives. He gives us the strength we need to remain faithful to our commitments. 

    “A faithful man will abound with blessings, but whoever hastens to be rich will not go unpunished.”

    Our faithfulness to living a righteous and committed life does not go unnoticed by God. He promises that our efforts will be blessed.

    God is pleased when we choose to be faithful in our marriages.

    How Can We Be Faithful to Our Spouses?

    Remaining faithful to our spouses requires more of us than just not having an extramarital relationship. It requires us to be present, engaged, loving, committed, and willing to forgive over and over again.

    What does that look like in practical terms? Here are some ideas for you.

    1. Be Honest with One Another

    Honesty creates security in your relationship.

    A few years back my husband and I went through about a year of counseling together and the first question our counselor asked was if we had been honest with each other. He wanted to know if we had any major breaks of trust in our past or present.

    Thankfully, we could answer this question with a yes and our counselor confidently said that we could get through our struggles. As long as we had trust we could rectify the other broken parts of our marriage.

    Research has found that the number one issue that came up for married couples was trust and betrayal.

    Honesty ensures that we are living in a true shared reality with one another. We have to be open in our communications with one another not to just avoid major betrayals but also so we are not blindsided by smaller ways that we fail to share our truths with one another.

    Even things such a lack of clarity on how much one of you enjoys a certain activity or concealed concerns about the other party can feel like a betrayal if they’re not’ openly shared.

    2. Keep Each Other a Priority

    This advice feels so obvious but if we are honest it is not at all easy to live out! When life gets rolling along the easiest thing to put on the back-burner of your priority list is your spouse.

    I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with friends lamenting how long it has been since they have had a proper date night with their spouse.

    Work, kids (especially the kids), not wanting to bother others by asking if they can babysit, and general busyness as reasons date night has been on hiatus.

    Allowing uninterrupted time with your spouse to fall to the wayside is dangerous to your marriage.

    his is what it looks like in my house: My husband and I are getting along well but then several weeks pass without us having time alone to relax without the kids. All of a sudden I start doubting that he cares about me, I feel extra stressed because I haven’t had a “grown-up break” from parenting and my other responsibilities, my husband sees my exasperation as a complaint against him, and then by week 2 or 3 some tiny kindling lights the fire to a big argument.

    Every person needs affirmation, connection, kindness, and love. The only way we can consistently give and receive these things in our marriages is if we make loving one another well a priority.

    3. Be Ready and Willing to Forgive One Another

    Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. 

    Marriage is the place we get to be tested on the ability to live out this scripture in our own lives!

    Offering undeserved forgiveness is something we have to be willing to daily offer to our spouses… and I know from years of experience that it is not easy to extend!

    We have to be willing to forgive not just for the major mess-ups but what may be even harder for us is forgiving each other for the tiny mistakes we make. Like forgiving your spouse when he forgets you have plans together on the calendar or when they forget something you desperately needed from the store.

    When we start holding onto secret grudges against our spouse, walls starting going up in our marriage. All of a sudden tiny things become big things because you aren’t just frustrated about the fact today they forgot to help with the dishes, you are mad because every time they have forgotten to help clean up over the last 15 years.

    Dishwashing can even become a reason to separate yourself emotionally from your spouse.

    When we say that out loud… I can’t stay faithful to my spouse because they didn’t do the dishes… it sounds crazy!

    But if we are honest how much of the struggle we feel in our marriage is about big stuff and how much is over tiny failures we’ve secretly logged in our mental “book of grievances” against our spouses? We have to forgive over and over and over again in order to stay faithful to the vows we made to our spouses at the very beginning of our journey together. 

    Marriage is a living thing. It requires that we tend to it, water it, feed it, nurture it, protect it from the elements of this world, and it only takes a short period of neglect for decay to become apparent to us. 

    If we desire to be faithful to one another, then we have to make a daily choice to pour into our relationship. We have to create routines that communicate love, consideration, and make space for us to connect with each other.

    Being faithful to one another is a daily task but thankfully God promises to give us the strength we need to help our marriages thrive. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Jon Asato

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

    Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

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    With the United Kingdom’s wayward Prince Harry’s new tell-all book, Spare, behind-the-scenes personal family interactions, relationships, and secrets are revealed. 

    As well, Jinger Duggar Vuolo, of a highly popular and beloved Conservative Christian reality TV show with her family, 19 Kids and Counting, has a soon-to-be-released book Becoming Free Indeed, promising readers an expose and critique of her life behind the cameras.

    So why are individuals writing tell-all books? What’s in it for them? Are they just trying to tell their stories? Are they hoping to set things straight? Are they looking to encourage their families to face issues, seek help, and be reconciled? 

    Tell-all books prove to be very lucrative, especially for high-profile people. So what is the true motivation behind writing books that expose one’s family to public ridicule? Why are individuals writing them? Are there financial gains to be made in revealing personal family details?

    For publishers, bringing in big revenue is the driving force behind tell-alls, especially with high-profile families. It may also be the reason behind some authors’ willingness to write one.

    So before becoming one of the millions of readers rushing to read the newest tell-all books, the following are a few things to consider before picking one up and diving into it:

    Whose Story Is It Anyways?

    So is it okay for an individual to write a tell-all? After all, it is their story, right? Or are they really telling other people’s stories without their consent? Which way is it? 

    Understandably individuals have the freedom to share their own story, experiences, and journey in life, but where does one’s story cross a line to where it’s more about exposing someone else’s stories? 

    Do people have the freedom, right, or even the responsibility to expose their family’s frailties and faults to the world? What does Scripture say about uncovering family flaws? Is it justifiable, or is it dishonorable?

    Proverbs 17:9 describes how “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

    Exposes usually reveal personal and hidden details about people, so it’s good to seriously consider Matthew 7:3‘s caution, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

    Still, some justify exposing the sins of family members, noting how God writes and exposes many individuals’ sins in the Bible. But they’re not God.

    What Does It Mean to Honor Our Father and Our Mother?

    Many tell-all books aim at exposing the sins of the mothers and fathers, but the Bible clearly commands children to honor their fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12).

    Ephesians 6:2-3 explains how it’s not just an encouragement from God to honor parents but much more. It’s a command that comes with a promise: “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

    It’s one repeated throughout Holy Scriptures, too, and a command God takes very seriously. In fact, ignoring it comes with a pretty harsh consequence. Matthew 15:4 explains, “For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’” 

    Sadly we see over and over again family members rising up and pitting themselves against each other. “For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies are the members of his own household” (Micah 7:6).

    So is it okay to expose a parent’s weaknesses, sins, and secrets to the world? Does God call us to be respectful of how we speak and write about them?

    Tell-All or Family Feud?

    Often, tell-all books come across as payback or getting-even books, often bringing public disgrace, openly airing grievances, pitting family members against each other, and tearing families apart.  

    However, God clearly instructs us to refrain from settling scores in our lives. He urges us to trust Him to bring justice on our behalf. “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

    Likewise, James 4:11-12 strongly cautions, “Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

    Often, believers don’t think God’s directives apply when dealing with their immediate family, but His instructions apply to parents, siblings, and other family members, too.

    Does God Know and Care?

    Proverbs 15:3 assures us, “The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.”

    People don’t have to expose and reveal their family’s mistakes, errors, and sinful actions to the world because Jesus assured us, “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” (Luke 8:17).

    Even if it seems like it at times, no one on earth is getting away with anything. They can trust what God’s Word tells us. Everyone, including family members, will be held accountable for their words and actions. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 12:36, “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” 

    As well, we are reminded that “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

    Are there Tell-All Consequences?

    Ephesians 4:29 urges, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Do tell-alls benefit and build up others? Unfortunately, their pages are often full of gossip, which Proverbs 11:13 explains, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

    Especially as Christians, we want to refer to Scripture in what we say and write about others, especially our parents and family members. As Leviticus 19:16 urges, “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.”

    As God points out, exposing the sins of others has the potential to endanger their lives. Exposing others’ failures to the world comes with consequences both for the ones who are exposed and the ones who expose.

    Likewise, Proverbs 13:3 clarifies the effect that speaking carelessly of others has on those who practice it: “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

    What individuals say about others has the potential to bring destruction to their own lives, too. When speaking of others, 1 Corinthians 16:14 urges a simple motivation, “Do everything in love.”

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Negative Space

    Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.

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  • The Psychology Of How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You

    The Psychology Of How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You

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    We would be remiss not to mention what love is not, before diving into how to make someone fall in love with you. The very nature of this question begs another one: Why are you trying to make someone fall in love with you?

    As Page tells mbg, it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in winning someone’s approval, while simultaneously abandoning your own needs or even sense of self. “The degree to which you hyper-focus on whether someone likes you is the degree to which you will self abandon,” he says, adding that it’s far more important to get clear on how this person actually makes you feel.

    “Even though you might be saying, ‘Oh, they check all the boxes and I’m super interested,’ maybe you realize you feel cold inside when you’re around them, like you have to grab them because they’re not really available,” he explains.

    Page adds that this line of thinking can majorly trigger abandonment wounds, and we’re likely to get swept up in an “attraction of deprivation,” in which someone’s unavailability becomes addictive fuel for our own abandonment issues. “It’s an incredibly addictive and compulsive kind of attraction that all of us are programmed to be sensitive and vulnerable to,” he says.

    This compulsion goes hand in hand with limerence, or a romantic infatuation marked by feelings of obsession and fantastical longing. As licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, previously explained to mbg, limerence is the combination of hormones, endorphins, and emotional prioritization that occur in the initial stages of a relationship, but it doesn’t necessarily equate to or lead to wholehearted, long-term love. That’s not to say it won’t eventually evolve, but if you’re putting this person on a pedestal and trying to force love out of them, you are likely not seeing them clearly in the first place. Which—you guessed it—is not real love.

    And lastly, although lust (or sexual desire) is a component of love, things can get tricky if lust levels are high. Love and lust are easy to confuse because they actually activate similar neural pathways2 in the brain that are involved in things like goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction. So, it’s important to determine whether you’re actually dealing with actual love—or just lust by itself. (We’ve got a full guide on how to tell the difference between love and lust that should help you with that.)

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    Sarah Regan

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  • 3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

    3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

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    As an adult with two older adult siblings, I am familiar with valuing your adult siblings. We are often told the importance of respecting or getting along with our siblings as children and teens, but not much is spoken of valuing your adult siblings. If anything, we need to continue to value our siblings into adulthood and support them to the best of our abilities. 

    Here are three specific reasons to value your adult siblings:

    1. Love

    The first reason to value your adult siblings is because of love. Even though years have come and gone, the love we have for our siblings will remain. We all have been hurt by our siblings in various ways, but we still love them. Although we may not like them at times, we always love them. This is because love is a choice. It is not based on a feeling, but rather, it is an intentional decision we make every day.

    Despite the fact our siblings may be adults doesn’t mean they have everything figured out, and it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. We can extend the love we have for our adult siblings by being there for them and being supportive. This will ensure they feel valued and cared about. Even though your siblings have become adults doesn’t mean the love you have for them has diminished. It is true that your siblings may have hurt you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t value them anymore. In fact, they may feel as though you don’t value them anymore if you don’t extend love, support, or care toward them. 

    Love is one of the strongest bonds we can have with one another. It is mighty and is an exact representation of God’s being (1 John 4:8). When we choose to love and value our siblings, we are being God’s light to the world. It’s hard to say that our siblings have never hurt us because that would be an impossible statement to make. A true statement that we can make is despite the pain and hurt our siblings may have given us as children, teens, or even as adults, we still love them. By loving them, we are truly valuing our adult siblings. The Lord gives us the command to love all people just as He loves us (John 15:12). 

    2. The Past

    A second reason to value your adult siblings is because of the past. While I understand not all of us were supported and loved in the past by siblings, there is a high chance that you had a strong bond with your sibling at some point. For my siblings and I, we have all gone through the death of our family dog and our mother together. We were all together at these points in history, thus, we share that same pain. Although many of our friends may never understand our pain, we know that we, as sisters, can share that same pain. The past is often what connects us, and it can cause us to value others. 

    We should never stop valuing our adult siblings because, at the end of the day, they are still our siblings. The past that we share with them is deeply interwoven into our hearts and minds. Since we spent a great deal of our past with our siblings, we need to keep valuing them even into adulthood. Maybe your siblings have not made the best decisions, but you still need to value them because of the past you share and the love you have for them. Even amidst the pain and hurt, we can still value our adult siblings regardless of the past. 

    3. They Are Made in God’s Image

    A third reason to value your adult siblings is because they are made in God’s image. Every single person is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). This includes your siblings. Maybe you are reading this and you are holding onto a great deal of pain because of your siblings. My heart goes out to you because I understand how you feel. It is not an easy feeling to have nor is it a feeling that simply can be waved away. This is a hard teaching of the Bible because Jesus does command us to love all people even if they are not kind to us (Luke 6:27-36).

    Sadly, our siblings can often be the most vicious people to us. We may extend support and help, but they might deny our help and put us down. Even if our siblings have done this or continue to do this, we still need to value them. Similar to everyone else, our adult siblings are made in the image of God. Since everyone is made in the image of God, we need to value our adult siblings. We should want the best for them and help in ways that we can. It is also worth mentioning that sometimes siblings can change as they get older as compared to how they were as children.

    Sometimes this change can be for the better, yet sometimes this might be for the worst. Even if your sibling doesn’t make the best of decisions, it is important that you still value them. God values each and every human life and we should do the same. If we are truly following God and we love Him as much as we say we do, it is vital that we love, respect, and value our siblings. It brings God glory when we love and value others. 

    It is often hard to love those close to us because of past pain. It hurts so much more because the individual was close to us and we trusted them. Often, our siblings can hurt us and this can cause us to not value them anymore. If you have noticed this in your life, know that it can happen, but you can get back on the right track. You will never be able to control the way your siblings act, but you can control your own behavior. Rather than holding hate toward your sibling or choosing to not value them, you can choose to love freely and value their very beings. 

    God wants us to value all people, including our siblings. While this can be difficult for many of us, it is vital that we do value our adult siblings. Unfortunately, not many of us think about death until it is at our doorstep. My sister recently was speaking about this topic and it affected me deeply. She pointed out that individuals normally don’t think about death until it is in your midst. From my own experience, I can vouch this as being true. 

    I never truly thought about death until our family dog passed away and our mom passed away nearly seven years ago. The topic of death was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to think about it. Most people feel the same as we don’t choose to acknowledge death until we see our loved one take their final breath and we miss their very presence. We need to remember this because our time on earth is short and so is our siblings time on earth. Our siblings could be here one day and gone the next. We need to value our adult siblings because they are valuable to us, yet we might not see that until they are gone. Thus, choose to value your adult siblings, be supportive of them, and help them grow in the Lord. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/digitalskillet

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Are We Having Enough Sex? How Much Couples Should Have

    Are We Having Enough Sex? How Much Couples Should Have

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    How often a couple has sex won’t tell you whether or not there are issues in their sex life or in their relationship. As Francis points out, there are legitimate reasons why couples might have less, little, or no sex, whether for a period of time or as an intentionally sustained part of their relationship. It’s not always a crisis, she adds, and it can in fact even be a good thing for the relationship.

    “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires,” she says.

    So, when is it a problem to be having less sex?

    According to Francis, a lack of sex in a relationship is only a problem “when folks are not in agreement about the sex they do or do not have; this can make sex a source of conflict and contention.” And that’s exactly what you don’t want—for sex to feel bad or feel like a source of tension in the relationship.

    If at least one person isn’t happy with the state of their shared sex life, Zimmerman says, that’s when there needs to be some conversations about how to get to a place that feels good for both people.

    But, she emphasizes, the way to assess the issue isn’t to start counting how often the couple is having sex or setting benchmarks for how often they ought to be having it. “I believe that talking about frequency, at least talking solely about frequency, is the wrong conversation,” she says.

    One partner might want to have more sex, but making it simply about frequency ignores the very thing that’s most likely to make the other person genuinely interested in more sex—that is, how pleasurable it actually is to have it. “We need to be talking about the quality of pleasure and connection, and we need to understand any barriers someone may have to wanting and enjoying sex,” says Zimmerman.

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    Kelly Gonsalves

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  • 3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

    3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

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    Growing up, my parents jested, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.” These words were meant to encourage and perhaps force me to learn to get along with my family members because “friends come and go, but your family remains the same.” 

    For some, the opposite will be true; friends have been more like family than blood relatives. However, for our purposes here, I am addressing those whose family dynamics are relatively healthy aside from the occasional family tiffs—especially those tensions of navigating relationships with parents as adults with children of their own.

    As believers who desire to honor God with their lives, many adult Christians wonder how to honor their parents as family roles and dynamics change, notably during major life shifts such as marriage and having children. Understanding common reasons for tensions and establishing healthy plans for resolution between adult children and their parents may relieve these normal family stressors.

    Let’s look at three reasons for tension between adult children and their parents:

    1. Not Following the Biblical Role of Parents in Adult Children’s Lives

    Packed with sass and attitude as a little girl, I often heard my parents recite the fifth commandment. “Honor your father and mother,” they would say after a slight roll of the eyes or stomp of my foot. If you, too, grew up in a Christian home, I’m willing to bet you heard those words as well.

    But we’re not little girls and boys anymore. Does this principle imply that we are to do everything our parents say as adults? And if we don’t, are we dishonoring our parents?

    Let’s back up and look at God’s original intent for the family. Home is where children learn to submit to authority and respect and obey. In return, hopefully, they receive love and protection. If children can learn to submit to earthly authority (their parents), they will be better able to submit to God’s ultimate authority (eternal).

    Honoring our parents doesn’t explicitly imply that we must obey all their wishes and commands. While we are under our parents’ care (i.e., living under their roof), we should abide by their rules, commands, and preferences (assuming they don’t contradict God’s Word). However, as we age and move out of our parent’s homes, we bear the responsibility and burden of adulthood. 

    In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus describes the natural progression as children become adults, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?” If this is true, the natural progression would be that once we have lives and families of our own, our parents’ authority would shift from one of complete authority to a source of wise counsel and guidance. Their advice is suggestive, and our ultimate authority would come from Christ.

    As adult children, we can honor our parents by considering their concerns and advice, showing them respect, and striving to live in peace as far as it depends on us. We hope that parents acknowledge the shift in authority in our lives with great joy and gratitude to see their children walking in obedience to God. But the truth is that changes like these are difficult, and sometimes, tension is inevitable. As these situations arise, consider ways to respect and honor parents while maintaining autonomy and accommodating new relationship dynamics such as a spouse or children.

    2. Unrealistic Expectations

    Having unrealistic expectations is one of the biggest reasons for relationship tension. Due to familiarity in family relationships, there is a greater possibility of these expectations going unvoiced and misconstrued. We all have different outcomes we deem appropriate responses for various scenarios and circumstances. Of course, because they are our ideas, we sometimes wrongly assume that everyone else will respond the way we envisioned. But, when people don’t act the way we expected, conflict or, at the very least, tension occurs. Can you relate to one of the scenarios below?

    Your parents retired, creating extra time in their calendars. You are thrilled because you think this will lead to them helping out with the kids more. A few weeks go by, and they haven’t reached out, and you start to feel annoyed.

    You and your spouse offered to host a big family Christmas at your house this year. You thought this would make it easier on your parents, but you become upset when they decline to opt for a smaller gathering at home. 

    Your parents decide to take a big trip and invite your family along. You thought because they invited your family, they would cover the cost of the vacation; you become bitter when you find out it would be your responsibility.

    One of the best ways to relieve the tensions caused by unrealistic or unmet expectations is to stop putting them on people. After many mishaps with my preconceived notions of how people should respond and my general desire for others to do things the same way I would, I certainly understand this is much easier said than done. But maybe it would be helpful if we all tried not to impose our opinions on others so much.

    We can openly and honestly talk about our preferences and concerns. I understand this is a tall order for those not fond of conflict. But, airing out our grievances, or sharing how we would like things to be, in most cases, helps prevent future misunderstandings. Auditing expectations for personal opinions, ditching assumptions, and openly communicating will be a great starting point for managing unrealistic expectations.

    3. Being Quick to Assume the Worst and Slow to Forgive and Forget

    Assuming the worst can be a knee-jerk reaction regarding relationships with parents and in-laws. A simple declined invitation to dinner quickly makes me think I am the worst daughter ever, an incompetent mom, and generally a disgrace to the family. Heaven help me if the exchange happens over text or e-mail! I understand the challenges when we can’t see facial expressions or voice inflections created, but why with the people we love most, do we tend to assume the worst? It seems that most of us are much quicker to extend grace and understanding to friends and strangers over our relatives.

    As if it’s not enough of a challenge that we generally assume the worst of each other, conversations can be loaded at times. Someone makes a comment about a superior parenting technique, an ill-timed comment is made about someone’s finances, or a parent continues to give unsolicited suggestions. These things can make tensions soar, people shut down, and activate relational strain, making it hard to engage with each other as time goes on and unforgiveness festers.

    We’ve covered God’s original design for family to model submission to authority. And the family unit is a great place to practice navigating the inevitable ruptures and repairs required in human relationships. By learning to love unconditionally, forgive quickly, and extend grace and mercy to our families, we can do the same with the family of God.

    While there are numerous reasons for tension between adult children and their parents, we can be sure of a few things. The shift of power, the change of seasons, the transformation of children becoming adults, and aging parents, will cause tension in our families. But as God demonstrated by adopting us into His family despite our shortcomings, the family unit is a grace from Him. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), allowing us the privilege to honor our families.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Daisy-Daisy

    Laura Bailey is a Bible teacher who challenges and encourages women to dive deep in the Scriptures, shift from an earthly to an eternal mindset, and filter life through the lens of God’s Word. She is a wife and momma to three young girls. She blogs at www.LauraRBailey.com, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram @LauraBaileyWrites 

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  • How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

    How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

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    I must confess a bit of reticence here in answering this question. I say that because there are abusive structures and systems which use “biblical conflict resolution” to harm survivors. The principles outlined in Matthew 18 can be used to browbeat those who have been victimized and to force mock forgiveness upon those who are perpetually wounded.

    But God does tell us about conflict resolution. The place where biblical reconciliation always begins is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can only pursue true and lasting God-honoring reconciliation with one another if we have been first reconciled to God. All reconciliation must begin here.

    James 4:1-2 tells us where our battle with conflict resides. David Powlison explains well:

    “One of the joys of biblical ministry comes when you are able to turn on the lights in another person’s dark room … I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motives. James 4:1-3 teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It’s not “because my wife/husband…” – it’s because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them – cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life – can repent and find God’s grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.”

    This helps us to first reckon with our own role in any conflict that we might have. Matthew 7:3-5 makes it clear that in any conflict we do well to suspect and inspect ourselves first.

    Disclaimer: When we are talking about run of the mill sin against one another or when the balance of power is pretty much equal, this is sound advice. It’s probably not a good question to ask, though, if you’ve been victimized. As an example, if someone has been sexually assaulted, it’s irresponsible and harmful to ask questions about personal responsibility.

    The same is true of places like Matthew 18. That is a tremendous verse for walking through interpersonal conflicts. It helps us to know how to pursue reconciliation if we’ve been the one offended. As a general rule, when we are the ones who have been sinned against, we should walk through these steps, seek and pray for the repentance of the offender, and respond accordingly.

    But it is inappropriate to use Matthew 18 as a cudgel against someone who is in an abusive relationship. Matthew 18 is not intended to outline the steps a wife should take if her husband is abusing her. We do not get to rebuke her for “not going to him first.”

    Yes, the Bible outlines how to resolve conflict. But we must consider the general principle that there is a conflict that we are supposed to never make peace with and that is the conflict with sin. Whenever we use biblical principles of conflict to harm those who are vulnerable, we are making peace with sin and placing ourselves at enmity with God. There is much the Bible says about conflict and we do well to consider the whole picture.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/phototechno

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    Mike Leake

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