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  • 5 Ways to Respond to Abrasive, Controlling Friends

    5 Ways to Respond to Abrasive, Controlling Friends

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    In life, we are born into a certain family. Our relatives are people we cannot choose; they are chosen for us. But as we grow from babies into adults, we can choose our friends. These are the people with whom we choose to spend our time. As with any relationship, opposites attract. We may find we choose people who have the opposite personalities to us. This might be great initially, but when conflict arises, we may have friends who choose an abrasive or harsh approach to their communication. They may choose to control how we view certain situations, how we view them, or how we view the world around us. If this happens too often, we may become resentful because this relationship does not allow us to be who we truly are but rather who our friends want us to be. This can cause us to be placed in a sticky situation. What can we do to set firm boundaries but remain in a relationship with our controlling friends? 

    Here are five ways to respond to abrasive or controlling friends:

    1. Love Them

    Jesus’s first response in every situation is love (whether that be gentle or tough love). He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves. Just as we want to be accepted for who we are, we must accept that our friends choose to approach life in a very different way than we do. Acceptance is one of the keys to the success of a long-term relationship. Having said this, Jesus loves us enough not to let us remain stuck in our sinful patterns of behavior but rather transform us into Christ-like characters. 

    We won’t be good friends if we don’t point out if a friend is constantly losing relationships or in constant conflict due to their abrasive approach. Scripture says, “speak the truth and love so that they may grow…” (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking the truth to others is so important to a person’s spiritual growth. In this verse, truth and love are inextricably linked. When we speak the truth to others, we are loving them. It is not loving merely to sit in silence or sweep the issue under the rug. God will point out to us when the right time is for us to confront our friends in love and talk to them about the way they treat others. If they choose to change because of our confrontation, we have helped further the Kingdom. If, however, they choose not to be in a relationship with us anymore, we must grieve the loss but ultimately know that we did the right thing by helping point out their weaknesses and flaws so they become better people.

    2. Be the Example

    For us to be light to the world around us, we must be the example of Christ. This means we must exude the traits of the Holy Spirit in every relationship we have, including our friends. When our friends choose to be harsh or abrasive, we can choose to respond in gentleness and with goodness. We can go the extra mile and demonstrate Christlike love by not retaliating or arguing with them. We are called to be examples of Christ to the world. This starts with the people with whom we are the closest. If, after a prolonged period of time, you find your friends are not changing their approach because of who you are, it may be time to sit down and have a hard (yet necessary) conversation. 

    3. Change Your Communication

    If a friend is constantly controlling your other relationships or your worldview, try changing the way you communicate. Your friends might be abrasive and controlling because you are, and they’re merely reacting to what they’re hearing. Avoid using the word “you” in your conversations with them. Replace the word “you” with the word “I’ and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. In conflict, choose to express your emotions by using the phrase “I feel…” rather than attacking or blaming. Sometimes people have unprocessed pain, wounds, or issues that they have not addressed completely, and they are taking it out on you because they are in close proximity to you. Because they choose to treat you in this manner does not mean you have to take responsibility. Respond by telling them how you feel when they treat you this way. Give suggestions on how you’d rather be treated instead. Don’t leave the situation open-ended, where the friend is confused as to how to change his or her behavior. With some coaxing, you may find they may change their communication simply by watching you change yours. 

    4. Call Them Out

    If your friend lacks emotional maturity, it may be best to simply call them out. Sometimes people are unaware of their sins and need someone to point them out. Nathan, the prophet, took a great risk in pointing out David’s sin. David was so unaware of what he was doing (committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband), that it wasn’t until Nathan pointed it out that he could repent and turn from his ways. “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:5-6). If no one in their lives is telling them they are too controlling or harsh, it may be your job to do so. By loving yourself and not allowing that behavior to affect you, you may be doing your friends and, ultimately, yourself a great benefit. 

    5. Set Firm Boundaries

    The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for people in toxic relationships. By setting firm boundaries, you are still allowing growth in your relationship while sustaining it. To set boundaries does not mean you must terminate the relationship, although you may have to in some circumstances. If setting boundaries is your next course of action, you may need to use “you” statements by telling them you will no longer tolerate their behavior. You can also let them know what will happen in the future if they continue to cross this boundary. You must be willing to separate yourself from this individual or sometimes terminate the relationship if it’s what’s best for you. Although it is important to love others more than yourself, Jesus never told us to endure abuse or control. Sometimes letting go of a bad relationship so you can experience emotional and mental wellness is the best example of Jesus you can demonstrate.

    Like any relationship, a friendship can be a difficult one to navigate. Even if you have been friends with someone for a long time, it does not give them the right to treat you any way they choose. By setting firm boundaries, using “I’ statements, and being an example of Jesus, you may have to have hard conversations with your friends. But in doing so, you may end up with an enriching and rewarding friendship in the end.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Prostock-Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Courting for Marriage and the Difference from Modern Dating

    Courting for Marriage and the Difference from Modern Dating

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    In America, when it comes to romantic relationships, our culture has grown accustomed to dating—a sometimes more casual approach to seeking a partner. A person may have multiple romantic relationships before or if they marry. Sexual abstinence and modesty are now often scoffed at, and casual sexual “hook-ups” and living together before marriage have unfortunately become the societal norm. Dating casually, or cohabiting without the intent of marrying the person, removes the commitment of marriage, but does it lead to better relationships?

    What is Courting?

    Courting has been the traditional Christian approach to relationships with the intention of marrying. As described by Essence.com, 

    “A Christ-centered courtship is when a man and woman prayerfully and purposefully seek to determine if marriage is in God’s plan for them. They are rooted in purpose, spiritual growth and a desire to be with whom God has chosen for you”

    Christian theologian John Piper distinguished courtship from dating in his book, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, teaching that:

    Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman’s father and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal… Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more-than-friends relationship with the other. Then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.

    The term “courting” for many young people (and even among Baby Boomers) seems a bit foreign and outdated. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines courting as “seeking the affections of [someone]-especially: seeking to win a pledge of marriage from.” 

    One might envision a man wooing his lady companion with roses and chocolates and eventually getting down on bended knee asking for her hand in marriage. Most often, the entire family oversaw the relationship as the two were getting to know each other and evaluating their potential future as husband and wife. There was nothing casual about it; everything in the relationship was very intentional and pointed towards marriage. 

    Do People Still Court Today?

    The practice of casual dating in our society has not helped form strong, healthy, committed, long-lasting relationships. In fact, the dating scene seems to have become more complicated, confusing, and lonely for many people as more and more people remain single much longer than generations prior. Statistically, Americans are waiting longer to get married than ever before. 

    According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of first marriage for women in 2021 was over 28 years old. For men, it is even older at over 30 years old. Although it is said that the divorce rate in America is on the decline, 40-50% of marriages are still ending in divorce. One might wonder, perhaps this practice of casual dating in our society is attributed to this statistic. 

    Photo Credit: Unsplash/Jonathan J Castellon

    Some would say that we have not completely abandoned courtship in our society; instead, we have added dating into courtship. In other words, dating has become an extra layer to our finding a mate. Yes, a courting and dating relationship could look similar, especially if the person is entering the dating scene with the intention of finding a partner who they will eventually marry, but if this isn’t the case, dating “for fun” might simply widen to the pool of shallow partners. 

    The Differences Between Dating and Courting

    The significant difference between courting and dating is that the dating relationship may or may not lead to marriage. The integrity and outcome of the dating process depend entirely upon the values of the couple involved. However, the culturally influenced version of dating is frequently done just for fun with no real purpose driving the relationship. 

    Instead of being cautious in pursuing romantic relationships, it is easier for couples to treat dating much like the pursuit of finding the perfect pair of jeans—the ones that don’t fit get thrown to the side until we find just the right one. Most of the time, by cultural standards, if a dating relationship has become serious, the two have become physically intimate with one another and possibly live with each other. Sometimes the relationship does not have to be serious at all for physical intimacy. 

    The process of courtship grew out of a culture that desires to honor God with the path to marriage. Couples who choose to court instead of date have committed to honor God with their bodies and abstain from physical intimacy until they are married. Their desire is for the anticipation of the marriage covenant. 

    Dating on the other hand, when done without a biblical foundation, can easily be very self-focused and self-serving, where individuals look more for how the other person can make them happy. If a couple is courting, they are most likely looking to the Bible for the direction of their relationship and long to obey.

    What Does the Bible Say about Courting and Dating?

    Although the Bible does not mention courting or dating explicitly, we are provided with some essential principles on how we should live as followers of Christ. These ought to be applied to romantic relationships in preparation for a marriage covenant. 

    First and foremost, we are called to be separate from the world’s ways. 1 Peter 1:14-16 tells us: “As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy’” (NASB).

    Instead of searching for the physical or emotional attraction (how this person makes us feel) as our deciding factors of compatibility with someone we want to be in a relationship with, Christians should desire to discover the character of the person and whether they are also a born-again believer in Jesus Christ with the desire to be conformed into His image and obey His Word. 

    2 Corinthians 6:14-15 tells us: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?” (ESV).

    Binding ourselves to an unbeliever in a romantic relationship could comprise our obedience to the Lord and bring more temptation to follow the world’s ways over God’s. If both individuals are believers and have a desire to honor the Lord both in each individual life and the relationship itself, God will be sure to strengthen and equip the couple to ensure a healthy foundation for the marriage ahead. If the couple puts God first in their relationship before marriage, they will be set up to continue to put Him first in the marriage. 

    Biblical Foundations for Romantic Relationships

    When two people are in a committed relationship and love each other deeply, it can sometimes be a temptation to put each other on a pedestal, and suddenly an idol is made. Matthew 10:37 tells us that we should love the Lord more than anyone else in our life (father/mother/son/daughter, specifically in this verse), including our significant other. 

    We are to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37, NIV) and seek Him first and foremost. And yet, at the same time, we are to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31).

    We see in Romans 12:9-10 the mark of true Christian love: “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (ESV).

    Also, in Philippians 2:3-4, we are encouraged to have the same selfless mind as Christ who laid His life down for us: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (ESV). 

    This is undoubtedly true in a Biblical romantic relationship.

    Since the world’s view of a dating relationship most often involves sexual intimacy, as a Christian, it is important to pay attention to what the Bible warns about premarital sex which is considered sexual immorality. 

    We are to flee from fleshly lusts and pursue righteousness and purity. 

    “Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22, NASB).

    Sexual immorality is not just a sin against God but a sin against your own body. When we join with someone physically, we become one flesh with them, which is reserved for the holy union of marriage. Ultimately, we are to use our bodies to glorify God because our bodies have been bought with the blood of Jesus.

    Paul shares these truths in 1 Corinthians 6:15-20:

    “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh. But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body” (NASB). 

    Court (or Date) for the Glory of God

    The marriage covenant is special because of what it symbolizes: Christ’s pure love and union with the Church. If that is your aim in a dating or courting relationship, to reflect Christ’s love and honor for each other, continue to put God first and look to the Scriptures to renew your mind to separate yourself from the world’s view of dating so you are able to pursue God’s will for your life and for the direction of your relationship with your significant other.

    Looking to the Bible for guidance regarding romantic relationships is the best path to ensure glorifying God through obedience and righteousness, as well as creating a strong foundation for marriage with Christ at the center. When two people marry, they cleave to one another and become one flesh in a relationship that God intended to be constant and unbreakable (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5), a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for us both individually and collectively as His Bride. Most importantly, may God be glorified in every relationship as we point others to Him in everything we say and do. 

    Emily Rose Massey began writing short stories and poetry as a little girl, entered the blogging world in her early 20’s, and published her first book, Yielded in His Hands: Becoming a Vessel for God’s Glory (eLectio Publishing, 2015) before the age of 30. She now enjoys freelance writing while being a stay-at-home momma. Believing she has been forgiven of much, she loves much and desires to point others to Christ and His redemptive and transforming power. If you would like to connect with Emily or learn more about her ministry, you can visit her website: www.emilyrosemassey.com.

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images

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    Emily Rose Massey

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  • The Wisdom of Elders

    The Wisdom of Elders

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    During my college years, I was one of the most involved students on campus. From working in the Writing Center to being a reporter for the school, and local city, my work life was busy. However, so was my personal life. I led the Dance Team, helped with two to three worship teams at a time, invested in running and working out, had field experience for teaching, and was eventually student-teaching. I somehow managed to snatch my first boyfriend, too! 

    On the outside, I was thriving. Everyone saw me as happy-go-lucky. Joy exuded from my presence, and I loved life. I was happy, carefree, and passionate. But over time, I grew weary. And my Grandma was someone who saw this first.

    “You need to take a break, Amber.” Her soft lips spoke what I didn’t want to hear. 

    “I think you are over-extending yourself, and [you’re] too busy. You need some time for yourself. I’m afraid you’re going to eventually burn yourself out.” Her words muffled over my ignorance to listen. 

    I was set in my ways. 

    I was also in denial. 

    The Error in Ignorance

    At the time, I truly did not believe her. I was busy and stressed, but I loved it. That’s just who I was. But looking back now, I am ashamed to admit that she was right, and I wish I would have listened to her sooner. 

    Today, I am a twenty-seven-year-old girl who feels like she’s surviving rather than thriving. I have been diagnosed with nearly half a dozen mental and physical health conditions, and I can’t help but think if I would’ve listened to the wisdom of my Grandma when I had the chance, my life would look much different. 

    In Exodus 18, I believe that Moses’ interactions with his father-in-law, Jethro, teach us a similar lesson:

    The Fruit in Obedience

    After leading the Israelites through the Red Sea and freeing them from Pharaoh’s wrath, Moses is called to be the leader of these people. And Jethro, his Father-In-Law, saw this:

    “Now Jethro, the priest of Midian and father-in-law of Moses, heard of everything God had done for Moses and for his people Israel, and how the Lord had brought Israel out of Egypt. After Moses had sent away his wife Zipporah, his father-in-law Jethro received her and her two sons. One son was named Gershom, for Moses said, “I have become a foreigner in a foreign land”; and the other was named Eliezer, for he said, “My father’s God was my helper; he saved me from the sword of Pharaoh.” Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, together with Moses’ sons and wife, came to him in the wilderness, where he was camped near the mountain of God. Jethro had sent word to him, “I, your father-in-law Jethro, am coming to you with your wife and her two sons” (Exodus 18:1-6, New International Version). 

    But upon his arrival, Jethro becomes concerned. 

    Moses is certainly leading the people. But he’s also the only one handling their additional affairs. And to me, that sounds a bit exhausting, and a bit like teaching or running on empty 365 days a year.

    “The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?” Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions” (Exodus 18:13-16, New International Version). 

    In my mind, I picture many of the conversations:

    The Weight in Responsibility

    “Moses, Bob’s cow stepped on my sheep, and now both have injuries. What do we do?”

    “Moses, Sara ate my extra portion of food. How is that fair?”

    “Moses, my family sinned today. How many offerings and sacrifices do we need to bring?”

    “Moses..” the list grows on as his mind grows fuzzy. And in an odd sense, I can relate to this moment.

    “Amber, did you write that article?” my boss would question.

    “Amber, we need you to work another shift.” the Writing Center would request.

    “Amber, our dances need some extra practice.” the dance team would note.

    “Amber, we need you at three additional teacher meetings after school.” the state would require.

    And just as Moses began to push on, so did I. But like my Grandma, Moses’ Father-In-Law grew concerned.

    “Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied” (Exodus 18:17-23, New International Version).

    The Gift of Wisdom

    At that moment, Moses had a choice: to listen to Jethro or to ignore his advice. And I believe there is a reason the Scriptures talk about learning wisdom from our elders. That there is victory in gray hair and learning from our experiences. 

    Perhaps that is why verse 24 reads as follows:

    “Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything he said” (Exodus 18:24, New International Version). 

    Not only did Moses learn from Jethro and take his advice, but he was better off in doing so.

    “He chose capable men from all Israel and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. They served as judges for the people at all times. The difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones they decided themselves. Then Moses sent his father-in-law on his way, and Jethro returned to his own country” (Exodus 18:25-27, New International Version). 

    The intent of many elders’ advice is not to offend or provoke; it is to bring peace and help from years of wisdom. While many may grow opinionated at times, or give outlandish and outdated advice, most seek out our best interests at heart. Moses knew this with Jethro, and I knew this with my Grandma. But unlike Moses, I chose to be stubborn and go my own way. I would give anything to go back and listen to her advice.

    Be Open to the Gift

    In life, God may call us to great and magnificent things. Things far greater, wider, and bigger than we could ever ask, plan, or imagine for ourselves. However, He never asks us to do so for the expense or sake of ourselves–our health, and sanity.

    It was not good for Moses to handle so many affairs on his own. Neither is it good for me and you to think we are super-humans who can go 75 miles a day, 7 days a week without a pause. There is a reason for the Sabbath. For Selah. For sharing our burdens with one another to lighten the load. 

    “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, New International Version).  

    This is a lesson I’m still learning, but I encourage you the same: Listen to those who give you advice. Their advice may not be what you want to hear, and they may not always be right. But if they love you, it is worth a listen. They might just have your best interests at heart. 

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/DisobeyArt

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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  • 5 Ways Small Groups Are Impactful

    5 Ways Small Groups Are Impactful

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    On Sunday mornings, we walk into our sanctuary, grab a cup of coffee, and chat with friends. Our friends may ask us how we are doing, how our children are, or how work is going. We raise our hands in unity and clap on beat to the worship music, and then, we scrawl furiously in our notebooks to take notes and remember the pastor’s Bible teaching. Then we leave for the week, only to put aside the corporate worship experience and go out into the world. We then reconvene the following Sunday, never allowing our Sunday experience and our daily lives to intertwine.

    Small groups are the most effective way to create community and allow people an intimate look into our lives. The current Sunday morning model is not set up for an intimate culture. At best, congregation members keep conversations at a superficial level, so we’ll never get into the deep spiritual support and wisdom community can provide. If you are looking for an intimate connection within the community of the Body of Christ who will champion for you in your triumphs and encourage you in your discouragements, the small group model is where it’s at. 

    Here are five ways small groups are impactful: 

    1. They Help Us Enjoy Community

    Throughout the Bible, no person does life alone. The disciples were sent out two-by-two to meet the needs of their communities. Jesus often took two or three people with him when he ministered. This is clear throughout both the Old and New Testaments. We were never meant to do life alone. We need each other to help us through difficult times and rejoice with us during the good times. As people meet regularly within the small group model, community is created. When a member of the small group has a prayer need, the first person they go to is usually in their small group. The entire congregation is not meant to know every little detail about every person in the church. It is impossible to keep up that standard. But with the creation of small groups, people in groups of 10-12 can get to know each other in an intimate way, and those people can be prophets and priests to each other. 

    2. We Study God’s Word

    Most small groups use a particular book of the Bible or the pastor’s sermon as a focus for the group. After groups begin in prayer, they often study a particular Bible passage. It is here that those who have the spiritual gift of teaching teach others more about God’s Word. Furthermore, it is here that each person can share what God has placed on their heart: 1 Corinthians 14:26 says, “What then shall we say, brothers and sisters? When you come together, each of you has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. Everything must be done so that the church may be built up.” The small group model is the place and time for people to share a hymn or verse that God has been speaking to them to encourage the rest of the group.

    3. Spiritual Gifts Are Explored

    1 Corinthians 12:8-11 highlights the spiritual gifts given to each person in the Body of Christ: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.”

    Yet, the current church model is not set up for everyone to be able to use their spiritual gifts. However, they can use their spiritual gifts within a small group model. Each person with the gift of teaching can take a turn facilitating the discussion. Those with encouragement can add a word of encouragement for each person. A person with the gift of prophecy can test a prophetic word that they have been chewing on for the week in front of this community. If a person is unsure what their spiritual gifts are, the group can take a week and conduct a spiritual gifts inventory. They can score the inventories together and discover their spiritual gifts. Each person can go around the room, stating what their spiritual gifts are as revealed in the test. Other members who know them well can then affirm or question the gifts. Once the spiritual gifts are discovered, the small group leader can brainstorm ways each person can use their spiritual gifts within this small group setting. This is a great way to involve each person so that they can make a difference within the Kingdom and make a direct impact for the local church and community. 

    4. Trust and Intimacy Develop

    When the small group first meets, the host should initiate a covenant that each person signs. Within the covenant, it will explain the expectations and requirements to attend this small group. If a small group is going to be successful, the expectations must be set high. People cannot flit in and out whenever it’s convenient. They must commit to the small group to attend most of its sessions. This will help develop trust and intimacy within the group. People who then quit the group will upset the dynamic and flow of the group setting. People cannot trust one another if their attendance is not regular. They cannot get to know someone intimately without meeting with them regularly. That’s why group attendance is so vital. Each person must commit to putting away their cell phone and being completely engaged in the discussion. Proverbs 27:17 says it best: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Each person sharpens the other when they get into a small group setting regardless of the topic of conversation. One member can challenge the other in a particular area once trust is developed within the group. Each person greatly benefits when each person is sharpened to display more Christlike behavior.

    5. We Share Intimate Prayer Requests

    Most churches can send out a group text or e-mail when a member has a specific prayer need. Prayer can start with a small group member’s neighbor who has cancer or a friends in need. While these are important to God, the most intimate requests come out during a small group setting. This is where people share the intimate details about their struggling marriage, their repetitive sin, or other emotional issues hindering them from having an intimate relationship with Christ. These are not things that would go out to a whole congregation but rather shared only within a smaller setting. Small groups allow for intimacy and private prayer requests to be shared among members who have taken the time to get to know one another. 

    Although a small group within different churches might have a different look, when done successfully, they all can foster community, build trust and intimacy, allow people to explore their spiritual gifts, and ultimately replicate leaders. These leaders will then multiply these groups and make the small group model the primary way for people to connect and understand and demonstrate Jesus’ presence in their lives.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Your Zodiac Sign’s Love Language, From An Astrologer

    Your Zodiac Sign’s Love Language, From An Astrologer

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    When water signs fall, all that joy (and pain) will last them several lifetimes. They generally require a formal commitment and emotional security and see marriage as a sanctity that will save them from loneliness and bring them stability. Even within a long-term relationship, they don’t often speak of their emotions; they expect their partner to automatically know what’s going on. Scorpios in particular communicate via intuition and feelings and expect everyone else to do the same. Feelings are their love language, so take care of them.

    Not Flowing Well: Water signs have such high expectations, it can be hard to meet them. There always seems to be something that “just doesn’t feel right.” Because of that, they can remain stuck in the past and hold grudges like no other sign, not realizing we are solely responsible for our own happiness, for better or for worse, and no one else is to blame when things go awry. Water signs can be defensive and prone to overreacting if they are insecure, when they are tired, or if someone pushes their buttons. All water signs change moods on a regular basis. Try to avoid taking it personally, or you will be in for a rocky ride. Shrug it off, and soon enough, a smile will spread over their face as they sheepishly reach out to hold you and make amends. Don’t expect a “sorry” or a meaningful conversation, though. They expect you to know it had nothing to do with you personally and they didn’t mean it.

    Flowing Well: Water signs are among the best caretakers of their partners and families. If they have a sense of humor, and most do, their playfulness and sense of fun are second to none. They appreciate the small gestures, so your efforts won’t go unnoticed. They can be shy at first, which is intriguing to most other signs, but then allow you into the gentle, creative, and loving beings they are.

    Adapted from an excerpt from THE SIGNS IN LOVE Copyright © 2023 by Carolyne Faulkner. Published by Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Reproduced by arrangement with the publisher. All rights reserved.

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    Carolyne Faulkner

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  • 5 Bits of Encouragement for the Woman Learning to Say No

    5 Bits of Encouragement for the Woman Learning to Say No

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    For some of us, it’s the most difficult word to utter aloud. This powerful word can bring much-needed relief—to our schedule, our daily lives, and even our attitudes. We know this from experience, but for some reason, we struggle to use it. So we keep practicing. We continue learning how to say no. The single most impactful lesson I’ve learned in my journey of faith is how to say no. To discern God’s best for me amidst all the things I want to do. It’s a nugget of wisdom more precious than rubies, like Solomon wrote about in Proverbs 8:11. (And one I secretly wish I’d found sooner.)It hasn’t been easy. Still isn’t. I’ve fought hard for each no, and I’m committed to the work, because learning to say no will not only draw us closer to God. It also causes a ripple effect of good things that can be felt by the people around us. For those of us who love to help and serve, learning to say no means making time to honor the Lord and follow him alone. So even though it takes intentional effort on our part, the fruits are totally worth it.If you’re a woman who’s learning to say no today, take heart. Turning down a request doesn’t mean giving up opportunities or letting others down. We can reframe the way we view our “no” in order to gain clarity on God’s divine assignments for us. Here are a few tidbits of encouragement for you as you learn the value of your no:Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

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    Kristine Brown

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  • What Should I Never Say to Someone Who Is Grieving?

    What Should I Never Say to Someone Who Is Grieving?

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    He sat in the ashes, scraping oozing sores with a pottery shard. Once a wealthy man, Job mourned alone in the city’s trash heap.

    Following an encounter between God and Satan in the heavenly courts, the enemy set his sights on Job. Determined to prove that the man would only remain faithful to the Lord while under cover of blessing, Satan killed Job’s 10 adult children, enlisted men to destroy Job’s property and source of wealth, and attacked Job with festering boils from head to heel. Grief consumed Job. Scripture tells us that three friends “made an appointment together to come and mourn with him, and to comfort him” (Job 2:11 NKJV). If you’ve read the full story, you know that things did not go as anyone planned.

    This story of Job and his friends raises an important question: should Christians say anything to someone who is grieving? If so, what things can we say? When should we avoid saying anything to someone who is grieving?

    We will consider these questions and a few others in this article.

    What Can Be Harmful to Say to Someone Grieving?

    As part of my annual Bible reading plan, I am going through the book of Job. I am always a little surprised that Job’s friends so easily turned from their goal of supporting Job to words of accusation. The passage where they switch attitudes reminds me of Bible verses like Romans 12:15 (NKJV), “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep,” and Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV), “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted….”

    The word translated as “tenderhearted” comes from the original word eusplagchnos which means gut-level empathy and compassion. A gut-level compassion reaches into the core of our experience and personal pain. It invites understanding and helps us relate to another’s experience. That sort of tenderhearted empathy neither minimizes, disregards, or judges the grief with which someone is struggling.

    A few years ago, a friend lost her teenage son to suicide. A gentleman we both knew approached her and said with a bright smile, “He’s in a better place.” My friend blanched and tried to offer a response, but she was visibly uncomfortable. She longed for her child to experience life and grow into adulthood, but her grief and the manner of her son’s death were downplayed.

    Though well intended, many other platitudes may illicit anger or injure an already hurting person. They include the following:

    1. “God needed another angel.” Not only is this statement theologically unsound, but God does not need people. (Acts 17:25) Instead, we are his unique creation in need of Him.

    2. “The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.” If we could manage life, then why would we depend on God? And those of us who have lost loved ones know that death feels far from bearable.

    3. “I know how you feel.” Every individual walks through grief differently. Other people can empathize, but assuming another’s feelings might make the bereaved feel misunderstood.

    4. “You’re young. You can [get married again], [have another baby] [insert other “you can do it again” action here].” Youth does not diminish death’s impact on the spirit. People are not commodities to be replaced. Grief, though uncomfortable, must be allowed its place for those in mourning to process their loss.

    4. “Time heals all wounds.” While tender thoughts of remembrance eventually replace the raw ache left when death occurs, the absence felt when a dear one passes remains.

    5. “At least they are not in pain anymore.” If the individual who died was a believer, family and friends will eventually find comfort in knowing their loved one is in heaven with the Lord. But to say this immediately following a loved one’s death? They are in pain. Empathizing with their situation would make a far more positive difference.

    What Helpful Things Can We say to Someone Grieving?

    While rash, haughty words tear down, empathetic words often provide comfort—like salve to a bleeding wound. Consider the words below that can help someone who is grieving.

    1. “I’m here for you. Why don’t I (fill in the blank).” Examples include watching the kids on Wednesday, organizing a meal train this month, or stopping by to pick up laundry on Saturday. Immediately following a death or funeral, those left behind may struggle to concentrate, deal with depression or anxiety, and require assistance with household tasks as life falls into a new rhythm.

    2. “It must be so hard to have lost ___________.” A blog post by funeral and cremation service Tippecanoe Memory Gardens observes that an important key to expressing empathy is indicating to the grieving individual that you understand their emotion. This sort of sentence conveys a willingness to listen to the heart of a friend in suffering.

    3. “Do you want to talk about how you are feeling today?” This question invites conversation and the healthy voicing of difficult feelings that may otherwise leave a mourner experiencing inner isolation.

    4. “I remember when we all….” Sharing a special memory or trait with a grieving family member or friend will encourage them during a dark time.

    5. “I would love to know more about ____________. Tell me about them.” Do not avoid mentioning the name of the loved one who has passed away. Instead, invite your friend to talk about them. The invitation will be a welcome one.

    6. “I can imagine how painful this must be.” While not every situation is the same, we all have or will experience emotional pain—including the searing sorrow associated with death. If we have not already experienced such loss, we can at least put ourselves in a similar position.

    When Shouldn’t We Say Anything to Someone Who Is Grieving?

    Some situations require wisdom and careful evaluation. As Proverbs 15:2 (NKJV) reminds us, “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.”

    In Job’s situation, his companions initially joined in his pain—weeping, mourning, and sitting in the dust with their bereaved friend for the traditional number of days. They empathized both through their actions and silent presence. But when each man opened his mouth? Stinging words pierced Job as much as the lesions Satan inflicted upon him.

    Job’s companions hoped to encourage and instead inflicted pain. To avoid adding to someone’s emotional distress, we should sometimes avoid saying anything. A few general guidelines to consider include the following:

    – Knowing ourselves

    – Knowing the bereaved

    – Knowing the situation’s needs

    Are we verbose or known to exaggerate? When a friend or family member experiences a difficult situation, do we tend to make comparisons? If so, it may be best to choose a different way to express care and concern.

    Is the grieving individual an unknown colleague in a remote part of the building? Many of the personal statements listed in the previous section would seem disingenuous. At the same time, avoiding a coworker out of discomfort appears uncaring, while a group sympathy card or flowers might effectively communicate caring.

    When heartache and loss are involved, we should err on the side of caution. As Aaron D’Anthony Brown wisely shares, “Less is often more, or in other words, the greater the grief, the less you say.”

    How Can We Say Something with Actions to Someone Who Is Grieving?

    When my friend lost her son, I hurt for her. One of my children had battled mental health issues, and my friend and I had been praying for each other. It was not difficult to imagine myself mourning at the graveside of my own child.

    A few months after my girlfriend’s son died, she asked if I would like to participate in a suicide awareness walk as part of her son’s “team.” Her fresh, new pain poured out like water—sometimes like a brook filled with laughter as she spoke of favorite moments with Tucker. Other times, the raw ache came down as fierce as a summer storm—sudden and cathartic.

    Even though I was invited to support a grieving companion through one specific action, other helpful actions include:

    – Babysitting

    – Petsitting

    – Cleaning

    – Yardwork

    – Laundry

    – Car maintenance

    – Grocery shopping

    – Meal preparation

    – Sitting together

    – Donating to a cause the deceased supported

    What Is the Most Important Thing We Can Do For The Grieving?

    In A Sacred Sorrow: Reaching Out to God in the Lost Language of Lament, Michael Card writes, “And as His loving wisdom does with all things… God would redeem… sorrow, transforming it by means of His hesed into a pathway back to the loving-kindness of His Presence.”

    We may provide some comfort to the bereaved through words of hope, acts of service, or listening. But praying regularly for—and, perhaps, with—the bereaved as we gently point them to the love of Christ is the pattern scripture provides.

    Through prayer, we seek God’s intervention which is far more powerful than our own.

    Further Reading:

    5 Prayers for a Child Who Is Grieving

    5 Beautiful Prayers for a Friend Who Is Grieving

    Grieving

    6 Loving Things You Should Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Drazen Zigic

    Tammy Kennington is a writer and speaker familiar with the impact of trauma, chronic illness, and parenting in the hard places. Her heart is to lead women from hardship to hope. You can meet with Tammy at her blog www.tammykennington.com where she’ll send you her e-book, Moving from Pain to Peace-A Journey Toward Hope When the Past Holds You Captive.

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    Tammy Kennington

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  • Is it Pride That Keeps Us from Forgiving Ourselves?

    Is it Pride That Keeps Us from Forgiving Ourselves?

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    Forgiveness is not an option for Christians — the Bible teaches — it’s mandatory.

    As Jesus teaches in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

    The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 4:32, urges, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

    Scripture is clear that it doesn’t mean once but over and over. “Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them,” Jesus says in Luke 17:3-4.

    But what about when it comes to ourselves? It’s one thing to forgive another person, but what about when we have sinned? Sometimes, we have a difficult time extending forgiveness to ourselves, even as we are able to forgive others.

    In 1 John 1:9, we’re taught that if we confess our sins, God “will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

    Yet perhaps we struggle, thinking we’re too “bad” or that our sin is somehow exceptional, that God shouldn’t forgive us, or that even if he does, we shouldn’t accept that forgiveness or forgive ourselves sin in turn.

    Is it pride that keeps us from forgiving ourselves?

    It is indeed usually pride that stands in our way, preventing us from accepting the gift of forgiveness God offers each one of us.

    What Is Forgiveness?

    In the Bible, forgiveness is a release or dismissal of something, such as when charges are dropped against a person in court.

    In Matthew 6:14, the original text is the word aphiēmi, from the root aphesis, meaning remittance or forgiveness. Another meaning is dismissal, a sending away.

    Basically, we are to get rid of, put off, dismiss, or send away any negative feelings or debt. In essence, the slate is wiped clean, and the person can start anew as if it never happened and no punishment awaits.

    Romans 8:1 tells us there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

    Similarly, in Colossians 1:14, we’re told that in Jesus, we have “redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

    Just before Jesus died, he said, “It is finished.” That the word translated as “finished” is actually teleō, which means to complete, fulfill, or pay off, as in a debt. Forgiveness is, then, letting a sin or penalty go completely, erasing it forever.

    We are to do this to others — and to ourselves.

    What Is Pride?

    Pride in the Bible is typically an over-absorption with ourselves, considering ourselves superior to or outside of the typical. It’s an exaggerated sense of our own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority.

    Pride’s opposite is humility. The Bible is clear that God hates pride, and pride is a sin.

    Proverbs 16:18 tells us, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

    In Luke 14:11, Jesus says, “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

    Isaiah elaborates, “The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth” (Isaiah 23:9).

    Pride isn’t just thinking we are great or even on par with God. It’s also thinking we are an exception to the norm or we are somehow different or special outside of the graces and gifts God gave to us.

    Adam and Eve exhibited pride in the Garden of Eden when they were tempted to believe they could be like God and ate the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (Genesis 3).

    We exhibit pride when we think we are above the law (whether God’s or human law) or better or more deserving than others in some way.

    As 1 Corinthians 4:7 puts it, “For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

    Why Does Pride Keep Us from Forgiving Ourselves?

    At its core, pride rejects the gift of grace that God extends to us, and that is why it is such a sin. It is a self-imposed wall between the Lord and us.

    While we might know intellectually that God forgives people for doing wrong things, we perhaps think something along the lines of, “But I knew better. I shouldn’t have done this. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were God.”

    That’s the crux, that notion of “if I were God.” For we must understand that none of us is God, nor can we ever come close. If God, the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, and creator of the universe, chooses to bestow the gift of forgiveness on anyone who repents and believes, why do we believe we have the power to do anything but accept that gift?

    When we punish ourselves by denying us self-compassion, we’re, in essence, “playing God.”

    Or perhaps we think punishing ourselves prevents us from doing the same thing over and over. By beating ourselves up and not forgiving ourselves, we hold on to the sin, and in a sense, it’s a way of avoiding genuine repentance.

    Repentance is recognizing we did wrong and then striving to walk in a new way. It’s taking that new and better path, living for the “new self,” that new creation in Christ, that Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Ephesians 4:24.

    Not forgiving ourselves is an attempt to cling to the old self, even as we publish ourselves for what that old self did.

    Why Should We Forgive Ourselves?

    God calls us to embrace humility and acceptance. The humble heart not only acknowledges that God is Lord but also accepts with grace and gratitude all that God bestows.

    Fighting against what God wants — forgiveness — is actually not true punishment of ourselves but rather disrespect toward the Lord Almighty.

    Forgiveness translates to acceptance. When we forgive others, we accept that God wants us to set aside anger, wrath, judgment, or any other consequence or negative emotion toward another person.

    When we forgive ourselves, it’s much the same. We accept God’s gracious actions and intentions toward us. We enter into a right and righteous relationship with God because we honor and heed his wishes.

    We accept his love.

    It’s not about fixing poor self-image or struggles with self-worth, but rather about accepting that God has chosen to forgive us.

    Who, then, are we to challenge God’s plan and God’s will?

    Does Forgiveness Tie in with Love?

    Forgiveness is part of love. When asked about the greatest commandment in the law, Jesus pointed to love, telling us,

    “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40).

    Part of loving our neighbor is forgiving our neighbor. Part of loving ourselves is forgiving ourselves.

    God commands us to love him, love our neighbor, and love ourselves. We are an important part of that. When we deny ourselves forgiveness, we are not effectively loving ourselves and hence, not following God’s commands.

    One might wonder whether the Apostle Paul, who had much to say about forgiveness, struggled with accepting God’s grace and mercy for his own sins.

    After all, though he was instrumental in the development and spread of the early church, at one point, he was an enemy of the church, arresting and imprisoning followers of Jesus before his own conversion to Christianity.

    However, Paul is clear in his letter to Timothy that he, too, is forgiven, as are we all. There is no sin too big or too bad for God’s perfect, cleansing liberation.

    If you are having trouble forgiving yourself for something you did wrong, consider reflecting on these words from Psalm 103:10-14:

    He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

    Amen. Thanks be to God.

    For further reading:

    Why Is it So Hard to Forgive Ourselves?

    What Does it Mean for Christians to Forgive?

    Does God Really Forgive Our Sins?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Koldunov

    Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her faith blog at jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional, too. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed.

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    Jessica Brodie

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  • 10 Ways to Sabotage Your Marriage (Without Realizing It)

    10 Ways to Sabotage Your Marriage (Without Realizing It)

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    She looked smoking hot and she knew it. Blonde. Curvaceous. Suede stilettos with a way-too-short leather skirt. Beckoning green eyes and a killer smile to match. She wanted everyone’s attention in the room and boy, she got it (including mine).

    She floated through the crowd, giggling with one group and then another. Finally, she sauntered over toward a group of men—one of whom was my husband. Before she walked away, she patted his arm with her graceful, manicured hand—maybe a little too much.

    Really?

    She probably meant nothing by it, but after the party my husband and I talked about the situation, laughed a little and moved on. Although this happened years ago, I’m glad we chose to talk about it and reassure each other, rather than pretend like it didn’t happen. Recognizing and talking about things (or people) that might sabotage our marriage helps us protect it.

    I wish we’d done that even more.

    After 31 years of marriage, I’ve learned a lot of things not to do, both by observing others and by making a lot of mistakes, myself. And I’m still learning. With each anniversary, my appreciation grows for our beautiful, quirky and sometimes less-than-perfect relationship. I want to guard what we have and work to make it better.

    I’m sure you do, too.

    While nobody sets out to sabotage their marriage, it’s not that hard to do. And often, we may not realize that we’re doing any damage at all—until it’s too late. Here are ten ways to sabotage your marriage that I’ve learned to avoid.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/dragana991

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    May Patterson

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  • 9 Effective Ways To Manifest Someone, According To Experts

    9 Effective Ways To Manifest Someone, According To Experts

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    Affirmations are phrases that state what energy we would like to embody in the present moment. “I am…” statements are the most common, but they can take other forms like “I will…” or “I believe…”

    Simply reciting these affirmations alone will not manifest someone into your life, but by grounding these statements in the present tense, you’re acknowledging that your highest self is already here, within. (Versus if you continue to speak in the future sense, which creates distance between yourself and your manifestations.)

    Be sure that affirmations are still realistic, too. As Chan explains, “If your brain actually doesn’t believe [the affirmation], it inherently rejects it as true. It could actually do more damage. So you never want to go with the total opposite of what you believe. Start with something closer to the truth.”

    For example, rather than saying a definitive affirmation like, “I am in the best relationship of my life,” try “I attract loving relationships into my life.”

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    Kara Ladd

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  • 21 Winter Date Outfit Ideas That Are Cute and Comfortable

    21 Winter Date Outfit Ideas That Are Cute and Comfortable

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    Date night during the winter months can be a tricky event to navigate. Something you typically look forward to can become something you dread. Trying to put together an outfit that won’t leave you feeling cold or uncomfortable but still make you feel like the best version of yourself is a particularly difficult task. Throw a pandemic into the mix, and well, winter date nights really can’t be totally spontaneous. The little dress or pretty top you reach for during the warmer months just won’t cut it in the wind, rain, or snow. 

    We’re here to help with a slew of outfit ideas that will turn winter date nights into the fun, romantic activities that they’re meant to be, even in cold weather. Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your style or relationship building. From leather pants to sweater dresses to belted trench coats, we’ve got your outfit covered to ensure you feel cute while remaining comfortable. Whether you’re dressing up to safely dine outside or stay in, below are 21 winter date-night outfits that you’ll actually want to wear. 

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    Caitlin Burnett

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  • INFP Compatibility: Best & Worst Matches For Relationships

    INFP Compatibility: Best & Worst Matches For Relationships

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    According to Blaylock-Solar, the INFP may find the most relationship success with other NF types (ENFJ, ENFP, and INFJ), as well as ESFJs. For one thing, research suggests that if two people are the same when it comes to intuition/feeling (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ), there’s already a greater than 70% chance of compatibility—and that’s because these people will process and experience the world in similar ways.

    The N (for intuition) is given to people who lean more toward abstract thinking and interpretation when gathering information, while the F (for Feeling) designates people who are more drawn to the realm of emotions, relationships, and values. As board-certified clinical psychologist Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP, previously explained to mindbodygreen, NF people will have “an easier time understanding and connecting with someone else who is also able to use and rely on feelings, connection to others, and big-picture thinking.”

    Additionally, as Blaylock-Solar explains, it’s important for an INFP to have a partner who can help balance some of the areas they struggle with. Namely, INFPs can be big-picture thinkers who are sometimes indecisive, so having a partner with the Judging trait (as opposed to Perceiving), can help INFPs stay on track and get things done.

    Similarly, INFPs can be more reserved, despite craving connection. Someone who is more extroverted, while still sharing those intuitive and feeling qualities, would likely mesh well with an INFP and help bring them out of their shell, Blaylock-Solar says.

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    Sarah Regan

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  • Earning less than $30,000 a year is a ‘deal breaker’ for daters, new survey finds

    Earning less than $30,000 a year is a ‘deal breaker’ for daters, new survey finds

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    One-third of couples don’t talk about finances until after marriage, according to a recent survey of 1,000 adults by Western & Southern Financial Group. 

    This is especially alarming because, as it turns out, people do have financial deal breakers when it comes to seeing someone as a potential partner.

    When asked what amount of debt or how low a salary would make a potential partner undateable, survey respondents had some surprising answers. Here are two financial deal breakers, according to the study. 

    Salary deal breaker: Less than $29,878

    This is well below the median annual salary in the United States, which is $37,522, according to 2021 data from the U.S. Census Bureau.

    Salary was the number one financial trait that respondents wish they had talked about sooner with their partners. 

    More than one-fourth, 27.2%, of those surveyed said they only talked about salaries after getting married. And 18.7% said they talked about salaries after getting engaged. 

    Student loan debt deal breaker: More than $28,076

    This is below the average amount of student loan debt someone with a bachelor’s degree has, which is $37,574, according to data from Education Data Initiative.

    Men are a little more forgiving of debt than women, the survey showed. For men, $31,179 was a deal breaking amount of debt. For women it was $22,901. 

    Personal loans and credit card debt were also a source of friction while dating, according to the survey. 

    Ask your partner these 5 money questions

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  • Someone On Tinder Made A Game About What It’s Like To Date Them

    Someone On Tinder Made A Game About What It’s Like To Date Them

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    Photo: STR/NurPhoto (Getty Images)

    There is a bottomless dress-up box filled with things that people look for in a partner. You might prefer someone who is funny or empathetic, I consider myself lucky to have ended up with someone who never had an AJR phase. And I’m sure, out there somewhere, there is a person who wouldn’t want to date anyone who doesn’t demonstrate their proficiency in C++ within the first 40 seconds of knowing them. And for that person, this Tinder user who made an entire lo-fi video game about dating them is likely the one.

    Games journalist Imogen Mellor first spotted the game after its creator Super Liked (that’s an extra, extra like for the folks at home who can’t recall the horrors of online dating) her profile on Tinder.

    “I swear to God,” she said on Twitter, “someone just Super [Liked] me on Tinder and they’ve made a game about dating them????? and you can actually PLAY IT???”

    The game is a 32-bit slice-of-life, complete with a character creator and seemingly unprompted Zelda: Breath of the Wild endorsement.

    G/O Media may get a commission

    Unlike other 32-bit indie games, though, this one is tailored to fit its creator’s dating needs exactly.

    “It’s a browser game that contains info about the creator, their hobbies, passions, food preferences, a little video of foxes playing in their garden, a 3D model of their home, and a compatibility test,” Mellor tweeted. “I’m floored.” She didn’t respond to Kotaku’s request for comment in time for publication.

    Providing strangers with a 3D model of your home feels like a security risk to me, personally, but I guess it’s important to always map out your exits when you’re dating a gamer. This one, in particular, “worked on an AI that was capable of getting to grandmaster in Starcraft II,” Mellor said, and she hasn’t “swiped left or right simply out of brain freeze on if I just want to talk to him.”

    “This person must be very specific with the type of women they’re pursuing,” she said. “Actually, the game suggests as much with a full list of things they’re looking for in a person.” Well, it’s clear that we all learned something from this. Online dating makes everyone act in very healthy and normal ways. Good luck out there.

     

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    Ashley Bardhan

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  • 5 Reasons to Forgive When You Can’t Forget

    5 Reasons to Forgive When You Can’t Forget

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    As Christians, we know the benchmark of our faith is the ability to forgive others when they’ve wronged us. But this is easier said than done. Due to the nature of the offense, it could take months or even years to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a process. However, it is necessary for us to go through the process of forgiveness even when we can’t forget what someone has done to us, or they’re not sorry. Why should we forgive someone when we’re afraid they may do it again? 

    Here are five reasons to forgive when you can’t forget: 

    1. God Calls Us to Forgive

    Throughout Scripture, God calls us to forgive others. We are called to forgive someone repeatedly, even if they commit the same offense. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive others. This is one of the only commands that comes with this promise.” 

    God chooses to forgive us no matter how grievous our offense is and chooses to remember it no more. He gives us the chance to come to him and experience the freedom that Christ’s death on the cross afforded us. Because we have been forgiven, it is our duty to forgive others, even if our offense isn’t as severe as someone else’s. Going through the process of forgiveness means we believe in God. When we forgive others, we fulfill God’s calling to forgive others.

    2. It Sets Us Free

    People often believe forgiveness is about the other person. They believe if we forgive them, we’re letting them off the hook for their offense. On the contrary, however, forgiveness is more about us than it is about the other person. Forgiving others sets us free from the emotional bondage unforgiveness has on our hearts. When we forgive, we feel lighter and freer. We can better demonstrate love to others when we have forgiven them.

    If you are having difficulty forgiving someone, start with prayer. Declare to God you choose to forgive a person and specifically name the offense. Tell God you are choosing to forgive, even if you don’t feel like it. God knows our hearts. He knows when we were doing something willfully and when we were doing it simply out of calling. But God honors us when we choose to forgive, even if it’s just that of God’s calling to forgive. Forgiveness starts us on the pathway toward healthy relationships. If the relationship is strained due to unforgiveness, our ability to forgive may help in the process of reconciliation. Although the relationship may never be the same as it was before, we can do our part to live in peace with everyone. Mental health issues are on the rise. This is in part due to the unforgiveness we carry in our hearts because we won’t confess the sin that weighs it down. By making ourselves clean before God and then choosing to make others clean before him, we experience emotional freedom like never before.

    3. It Demonstrates God’s Love

    John 15:13 says, “Love has no greater love than this: when we were still sinners Christ died for us.” Christ, who had no sin, chose to take on the sins of the world so we could all experience freedom. When we don’t forgive others, it is like saying Christ’s death was for nothing and that there are some offenses that are not worth forgiveness. When we imply this, we imply that Christ’s death was meaningless and that Christ didn’t know what he was doing when he died on the cross. Although forgiving someone may bring up past pain, it is best to deal with it effectively. It’s not good to stuff our feelings or deny that the problem exists. Rather, we demonstrate God’s unconditional love to others when we forgive the people in our lives. When we do this, we demonstrate that God loves us, too, and we believe in him and the power of Christ’s sacrifice. 

    4. We Demonstrate the Fruits of the Spirit

    Galatians 5:22 gives us an understanding of what the Fruits of the Spirit are: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Forgiveness helps us acknowledge that we have the Holy Spirit living within us. When we forgive, we cultivate these fruits in our lives. Forgiveness demonstrates these fruits because we demonstrate love, peace, gentleness, and kindness in a way that unforgiveness cannot. When we forgive, we pave the way for the Holy Spirit to work more effectively in our lives. When gone unchecked, unforgiveness can hinder our relationship with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will not work in a heart that’s hardened. Forgiveness softens the heart and allows the Holy Spirit to move freely within our lives. 

    5. It Becomes a Natural Practice

    Once we’ve done the hard act of forgiving once, it makes it easier to forgive more than once. Even if the offense is severe, we will have the tools and spiritual skills necessary to go through the process of true forgiveness. Forgiveness can be tough to detect if we have truly forgiven someone because we often may still feel anger, hurt, or other emotions associated with the offense. If I repeatedly bring up the offense, continue to vent to friends about it, or bubble over with anger or resentment every time I see that person, chances are I have not forgiven them. Every time you feel this emotion, get a journal and write out your feelings. Deal with the hurt that’s hidden deep within. A hurt not processed effectively can lead to a host of other physical, emotional, and mental issues. 

    Take a blank sheet of paper and ask the Lord to reveal any people with whom you still have an offense. Write down their name and the nature of the offense. In your quiet time, speak their names and declare you are choosing to forgive them for the offense today. Ask God to help you not recall or bring it up anymore so you can practice the peace and freedom of forgiveness. Declare that Satan has no foothold in your life and that you will not allow unforgiveness to hinder your relationship with God. When you are finished, you may find you’ve gone deeper in your intimacy with God. 

    Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult things to live out as a Christian. Yet, when we do so, we show an unbelieving world who God is and his presence in our lives. God chose to use his Son to carry the weight of all the sins of the world. God chose to demonstrate great love to us when he forgave us, and he calls us to do the same. There is nothing we can do that will negate the salvation Christ’s death allows us. We best demonstrate that when we forgive others. Forgiveness not only sets the other person free but releases us from physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental anguish that hinders us from a vibrant relationship with the Lord. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • How to Pray When Your Husband Feels Like Your Enemy

    How to Pray When Your Husband Feels Like Your Enemy

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    Of all the human relationships we experience, marriage holds the unique power to do and be so much in life. It fills our aspirations before we’ve entered into them. It forms the backbone of families and communities, rendering them strong or weak. It is a monument of mundane moments that all form together to create something that can if tended rightly, reflect the very heart of God. Because marriage holds so much potential, it is also a great battleground.

    All places of influence and importance in our lives have bright red targets on them for the enemy of our souls to pursue his ultimate goal. In John 10:10, Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

    Our marriage will come face to face with the thief Jesus warned us about. And there will be times he tempts us so fiercely to see the battle as if it were against our spouse instead of against the thief himself.

    The moments you feel like your husband has become the enemy, take heart and slow down your thoughts and feelings to get a better hold of your emotional responses.

    Here are five practical steps to center your perspective in truth when your husband feels like the enemy:

    1. Guard your heart by removing non-Scriptural, perspective-influencing inputs. 

    Social media, TV, movies, music, friends, and family that speak unbiblical discontent into your heart about your marriage shouldn’t be given heart/mind space while you fight for your marriage. One could argue that they ought not to have a place in a Christ-following woman’s life at all. But especially in moments where the temptation to see your marriage in such hostile terms is on the line, cut off those negative emotional influences.

    2. Remember that your spouse could be facing the exact same spiritual bait to feel that you are their enemy! 

    So often, the enemy of our souls turns us on each other at the very moments we need to team up to defeat the real enemy!

    3. Speak truth to your heart about your husband and your marriage. 

    Instead of replaying the hurt, remember the blessings God has worked into your marriage and the good He has brought you through your husband.

    4. Pray for yourself and your husband! 

    At one particularly low point in our journey, I poured out my complaints to the Lord, and I felt deep conviction over the fact that I had allowed disappointments to move my heart away from my once dedicated and fervent prayer for my role as a wife, for my husband, and our marriage in general. No wonder this challenging time was even harder! We often talk about keeping intimate passion alive, but what about the passion of our prayers for our marriage? Are they diligent? Are they passionate? Are they expectant?

    Here are some Scripture prayers I regularly use to lead me into my own prayers for my husband and my marriage:

    Lord, thank You that You have begun a good work in ________________________ (husband’s name) and that You will be faithful to complete it! Please allow me to see Your hand at work in _________________ area. Give me grace and faith that You are working even when I can’t see it. Help me rest in Your faithfulness to work in both of us. Accomplish all that is in Your heart according to Your good pleasure in ______________________ (husband’s name). (Based on Philippians 1:6 and 2:13.)

    I pray that the eyes of ________________ (husband’s name) heart would be enlightened so that he will know what the hope of Your calling is, what the riches of the glory of Your inheritance in the saints are, and what the surpassing greatness of Your power toward him when he believes You is. (Based on Ephesians 1:18-19)

    Lord, please remind my husband that he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. Send your Spirit to encourage him today! And make me part of your plan of encouragement for him. (Based on Philippians 4:13)

    Father, please grow my man to be the spiritual leader You want him to be. Give him a desire to lead our home, but also give him the heart to search out Your word so that he will have Your perspective, wisdom, and guidance. Grow his understanding in Your Word and Your ways so that his walk with You would bring leadership and blessing to our marriage and family. (Based on 1 Timothy 2:11, 1 Corinthians 14:35).

    Lord, please surround my husband with Your favor as a shield. (Based on Psalm 5:12)

    Lord, please make me a wife that is easy to rejoice in and a delight to my husband. Make our marriage and love a source of joy and fulfillment for him. (Based on Proverbs 5).

    Father, please lead _______________ (husband’s name) to be on the alert, to stand firm in his faith, to act like man, and be strong in Christ. Pour a spirit of sensitivity and responsiveness on him so that he would follow Your leading with his alertness to spiritual battles, and give him ample grace and strength for those battles so that he might stand firm for Your glory. (Based on 1 Corinthians 16:13.)

    5. Rightly identify the true source of the battle for your marriage. 

    This comes with prayer and remaining anchored to some hard-to-swallow truths about ourselves. Not only could our husband struggle with the sense that we are against him, just as much as we might struggle to feel that our husband is against us, but the enemy can use us against our spouse! We must be aware of this and guard our lives against this potential. It is interesting to note that when Satan was attacking Job, after the initial wave of loss and when God allowed Satan to touch Job’s body, Job’s wife (who was spiritually one with Job before God) spoke against him (Job 2:9). To my utter dismay I have seen moments of intense internal battle surrounding my heart toward my husband correspond to moments when God was using him in an important way or moments when the enemy was hot on his trail. How very sad it is that we can all be used by the enemy if we are not careful to guard our hearts and ensure we are fully surrendered instruments to God and His purposes.

    Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death or of obedience resulting in righteousness? But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. Romans 6:16-18

    It is wise to check our hearts with the question, am I presenting my thoughts, feelings, words, and actions as instruments to serve Christ?

    In general, if we are following hard after Christ, we won’t see other people as our enemies.

    Paul says it this way:

    Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:10-12

    If we perceive that a person, especially our other half, is the enemy, we may face a spiritual problem. The winning battle perspective won’t be to draw lines between our spouse and us; it will be to identify who the battle is really against – the enemy of our souls, not our spouse.

    Over the years, I have sought hard to understand and find great marriage tools. I’ve read a ton, listened a lot, and studied God’s Word for them. And although I have not found the one-size-fits-all, satisfaction-guaranteed techniques I originally set out to discover, patience has, time and time again, been the key to unlocking victories for me. It’s not a sexy solution, but it is nonetheless Biblical and, in my experience, practical. After all, the very first describing characteristic of love in the famous “love chapter” from 1 Corinthians is “love is patient.” It won’t be patient once or twice. The expression of love will always require patience.

    Some of the most hopeful marriage wisdom I’ve received was an off-the-cuff comment from my grandmother-in-love. We were enjoying an afternoon on their patio when both our hubbies stepped into the house for iced tea or something. She mused, “You know this is the happiest time in our whole marriage. It’s a total surprise to me that in our 80s, we would find so much joy in our relationship. After years of struggling with finances, struggling to raise the kids right, struggling with each other, all the struggles are done. And we are just enjoying each other.”

    I pray you and your spouse will soon find an oasis where the struggles rest. And you are restored together in God’s love and care. And that in the meantime, passionate prayer, committed love, and anchored truth would carry you through the battle into victory.

    If you’d like a free list of Scripture prayers for your marriage, please email info (at) motlministries.com.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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    April Motl

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  • A Letter to Single Women Who Wish Eligible Men Were More Mature

    A Letter to Single Women Who Wish Eligible Men Were More Mature

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    I married a Redwood.

    No, this isn’t a piece on horticulture. I’ll get to your annoyance with immature men later, but may I start by sharing my solo journey prior to John?

    Before my husband, my single status felt like a parasite I couldn’t exterminate. That freeloader stuck with me throughout college, grad school, after earning my license, and even after starting my private practice. 

    My peers were busy getting married and assembling IKEA furniture and skipping sleep to tend to their newborns. Some even went so far as to divorce their first spouse and marry another.

    Guess who dragged her sister to birthday parties and get-togethers through it all?

    Yep. Your new friend over here has definitely traipsed through the singleness wilderness. 

    It wasn’t like I didn’t meet anyone during those years. Elsewhere I wrote about “Matt” the evangelist and how I learned he wasn’t the one. 

    None of the men I encountered felt right.

    Oh, how I wish we could swap stories about Mr. Wrongs over coffee and cake. I’m sure you can regale me with your own false starts. 

    During those alone years, I flung a bunch of questions at the Lord. Why am I still single? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get married? 

    I imagine you have your own versions of these questions, too.

    Perhaps you’ve gone a step further and compiled a list of probable answers for why you’re still single—at your age, to boot:

    1. There are no decent candidates.

    2. There is, indeed, something wrong with you.

    3. Eligible ones are immature.

    Let’s take them up one by one.

    No Decent Candidates

    Many have dismissed online dating as depressing. Meeting a potential partner in person, meanwhile, feels like a fairy tale reserved only for novels and rom-coms.

    It doesn’t help that more women than men attend church. How can you hope to meet a potential date at church when the pool is so tiny there’s hardly room for both feet to splish-splash?

    I get why you’d think there are no good candidates. 

    Or rather, my sister did.

    Back when I used to doubt my prospect of landing a decent guy, she reminded me, “it only takes one.”

    The thought cheered me up. I didn’t need to date half of LA or lower my standards and date non-Christians. All I needed was to trust the Lord to introduce me to the right man.

    May her wise words encourage you too.

    Something Wrong with You?

    If this question has assailed you before, relax. All it proves is that you have an inner critic that’s vocal about its low appraisal of you. 

    The good news is most of planet earth shares your plight. That is, most—if not all—of us hear a critical voice inside, ready to pounce on our chipped tooth, grotesque birthmark, or a million other reasons why it thinks we fall short. 

    Just because you’re still single—at your age—doesn’t mean you have a deficiency. 

    Still, it’s wise to glance at the mirror. Introspect. Go inward. 

    Because I’m a certified IFS therapist, I recommend an IFS therapist to walk you through this process. This model has helped many transform their lives. 

    Of course, you can soul search on your own. But if you do, watch out. Don’t slide into a shame spiral.

    Eligible Ones Are Immature

    Let me detour back to the Redwoods for this point.

    These trees are resistant to an impressive array of intruders: Fire. Bugs. Freezing cold weather. 

    Well, okay, not exactly freezing. I just called it that because I grew up on the Equator, where the average temperature hovers around a pleasant 80 degrees. Year-round. 

    But back to Redwoods, who just stand there and resist hazardous environments.

    And grow—albeit slowly.

    Take a particular Redwood as an example. As of this writing, the tree is 308 feet tall and 1,400 years old. Let me spare you the math to give you the bottom line: someone planted this tree in AD 622, and to date, it has been growing by 2.2 inches every year. 

    Which means that the tree only grew by about the width of your credit card every 12 months.

    If you visited it by, say, its 35th year, you might have dismissed the sapling as unimpressive. There wouldn’t have been any discernible change height-wise even if you scrutinized it for a whole week.

    But if I were to tell you that by the 21st century, this stubby thing would have towered over humans and even hotels, you might have grimaced my way on your way out.  

    Which brings me back to the topic at hand.

    God drew my attention to their slow growth rate at an opportune time. 

    I had lent my expertise to help my husband overcome a familiar—but unwanted—issue the day before we visited the Redwoods. Right before we arrived, however, another episode had reared its ugly head. 

    My interpretation of this incident? John failed to change fast enough. 

    Which, in turn, prompted my emotional outburst. Why isn’t John changing faster? 

    Let me translate this sentiment to better suit your predicament. Why aren’t eligible men more mature?

    Onward with Patience 

    There could indeed be various answers to your inquiry. 

    It could be you’re right, and these men need to do some maturing before they qualify as marriage material. 

    Or perhaps the Lord might ask you, as He did me, to take the New Testament seriously—specifically, to let patience have its perfect work (James 1:4, NKJV). 

    For me, it means appreciating the 2.2 inches’ worth of growing that John has faithfully done in this past year. 

    So what if he’s still grappling with his issues? Don’t we all have our challenges? Besides, I need to give credit to whom credit is due (Romans 13:7). John’s bouts with his personal thorn in the flesh have lessened compared to the first years of our marriage.

    How patience applies to you might be different. First off, you still have to decide on who to marry. Whether you’re still early in the dating stage or whether you’re now engaged, it’s okay to keep asking the Lord for verification that you’ve got the right guy.

    When your guy misbehaves or does anything to stir up your dissatisfaction, remember the lesson of the Redwoods. He may not be growing fast enough, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t attained more maturity today compared to some moons ago.

    I wonder if this is how God sees all His children in general. Perhaps He makes it a personal policy to focus on the inch we’ve managed to add to our spiritual stature rather than the failures we’ve committed. 

    Perhaps that’s why He is ever ready to forgive and grant us new mercies every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24). 

    But I digress. 

    When your guy disappoints you again, no need to throw a tantrum or threaten to leave (unless God has made it clear that you’re supposed to exit). 

    Instead, pray that he can withstand the pressures in his inner world—not to mention the world at large—and keep growing. Pray that his faith won’t fail (Luke 22:32). Pray for you and your own growth too. Pray so you can see all the growing he has done.

    Your future self will thank you when years from now, he morphs into a 300-foot-tall spiritual giant. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 9 Early Signs + What To Do Next

    Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 9 Early Signs + What To Do Next

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    Perhaps there was a time in your relationship when they would have dropped anything to be with you. Now, they almost seem uninterested in your life and more involved in their routine and schedule. When you ask them out to hang with your friends or see your family, they may shrug you off as they prioritize their own life, friendships, and career. Their attitude has changed, and it’s impacting the relationship. You feel like they’re too busy for you, which may leave you feeling needy and insecure. 

    It could be a positive sign that your boyfriend is nurturing an interdependent life within the relationship, but be wary if they’re leaning into their own thing without including you in the conversation. If they’re making room for their own life, work, friends, self-care rituals, goals, and new hobbies without you, the decreased desire for connection may be a sign of infidelity and that someone else may be in the picture. 

    Studies2 show there are a huge variety of reasons men cheat: While sometimes it’s simply about craving variety and having an opportunity presenting itself, oftentimes infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem in the primary relationship, such as feeling a lack of emotional or physical connection, lingering anger at your partner, or a core incompatibility.

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    Julie Nguyen

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  • How to Pray for the Toxic People in Your Life

    How to Pray for the Toxic People in Your Life

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    There are many phrases used in our culture that we may not completely understand or that might be used as a broad brush label for people who either have certain character traits or behave in a particular way. We need to be very careful with how we use these phrases so that they aren’t overused and we don’t mislabel someone.

    One of these phrases refers to someone as being a toxic person.

    What Are the Qualities of a Toxic Person?

    I researched the behaviors that might be found in the daily life of a person who would be considered to be toxic, and although this is not exhaustive, I have compiled a short list to read and keep in mind:

    -The person might have a victim mentality and feel as though they are always the one being treated poorly or that they are the one who is always being wronged.

    -They might thrive on gossip and slander, talking negatively about others and often spreading lies and ruining the reputation of others.

    -They might be a person who does not know how to treat others in a loving fashion and might even be abusive in some way – emotionally or physically.

    -There will be a level of control over the people in their lives, and you might feel like you cannot make your own decisions, think the way you want to think, or do what you want to do.

    -They are very manipulative people and will do what it takes to get you to do what they want you to do.

    -They will be critical and negative of others, unable to see anything positive in others or circumstances.

    -They like to get their way and will often belittle those around them in order to get what they want.

    -They might relate with a lot of sarcasm and are not sensitive or caring about the feelings of others. If you bring it to their attention, they will make you feel like you are too sensitive.

    -They might have an addictive personality, using a substance or bad habit to fill an unmet need. They might try to pull you into their addictions to make themselves feel better about what they are doing.

    When you are around a person with all or some of these traits, you will probably walk away feeling stressed, anxious, and generally negative. There are many reasons why a person might have these personality traits or behaviors, and those reasons are probably too many for us to delve into in this article. Still, I would venture to say that they are people who are dealing with their own hurts, past traumas, or stresses and have not been able to process them correctly. They probably don’t even realize how they are behaving toward others, as they might even be in survival mode!

    How to Pray for the Toxic Person:

    The first (and best) thing we can do for people exhibiting toxic behavior is to pray for them.

    God is in the business of opening people’s eyes and changing them. Only God can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Pray that He will make them aware of their sinful behavior and change them.

    “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36)

    Pray that God will show them what is behind their behavior. There must be a reason why they act the way that they do. Ask God to expose the motives, trauma, or hurt that might be causing them to act in a way that could be labeled toxic. Ask Him to let them see what is going on in their hearts.

    “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

    “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart…” (Matthew 15)

    Pray that they would be open to loving confrontation from you or another godly believer. If he is not ready, it will be unprofitable.

    “Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.” (Proverbs 9)

    “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18)

    “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6)

    You Must Relate to the Toxic Person in a Biblical Manner:

    After confronting them and bringing to their attention how they behave, be prepared to bring other godly believers with you if the person will not listen to you.

    “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18)

    Although you might need to walk away from a relationship with a person with toxic qualities, as a believer, that should be the last resort. But you do need to be careful to relate to the toxic person biblically. There is room for protecting yourself and following biblical principles in how much time you spend with them and whether or not you make them your “companion.”

    “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15)

    “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” (Proverbs 13)

    “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” (Proverbs 22)

    You must prayerfully and carefully consider how to handle all relationships, use the Word of God as your guide, and keep in mind that we are all sinful human beings. We are not going to be perfect. Toxic behavior is a heart problem, and we all are capable of exhibiting these behaviors if we are not in fellowship with God.

    None of us have grown up in perfect homes, experienced perfect relationships, or are immune from situations that can hurt us or cause emotional trauma. We need to remember to treat the “toxic people” in our lives in the way we would want to be treated if we were behaving in this way because of something we have gone through in our past.

    We need each other, and God uses us in each other’s lives to help us see our areas of need. That is how the body of Christ is meant to function.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia

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    Gina Smith

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  • 5 Tips for Communicating with an Introvert

    5 Tips for Communicating with an Introvert

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    The fourth tip for communicating with an introvert is to choose a quiet, calm setting. Quiet and calm settings help us out in many ways. Loud noises and fast-paced surroundings can quickly overwhelm us. It can be extremely difficult to hear what you are saying or pay attention if we are in a crowded mall or a busy restaurant. Instead of choosing a loud, fast-paced setting, choose a quiet coffee shop, a bookstore, or a park. These locations can help us feel more at ease and more relaxed. 

    Since we tend to stay away from loud, crowded, fast-paced places, we won’t meet in one of those places if you want to talk. These types of places are overwhelming, and it’s best to stick with a quiet, calm setting, preferably without a great number of people. It can be hard for us to focus at times when we are feeling overwhelmed, therefore, make sure to choose a quiet, calm setting. These settings let us feel more comfortable with communication. 

    5. Give Them Space

    A fifth tip for communicating with an introvert is to give them space. This might sound strange for a tip on communicating with an introvert; however, it is crucial. It is important to not place unrealistic expectations on introverts, such as expecting them to come to every event, reply to every phone call, or text back as soon as you send a message. Make sure to give us some space and time. If we don’t message you right back, it doesn’t mean we hate you. Rather, it means we need time to recharge. For each introvert, the recharging time could last for a few hours, a few days, or a few weeks. 

    It is important to give introverts space until they are ready to communicate. By respecting their time and space, it shows you truly care. This will go a long way in our hearts, and you may become one of the people who understands us better than others. If a person chooses to be pushy or doesn’t respect the introvert’s space, it will make the introvert more likely to shut down or feel guilty over being introverted. It is important that nobody makes someone else feel guilty if they are not up to going out to a party, having a video call, or automatically texting back. 

    Even though the world has transitioned to an instant communication platform, it doesn’t mean that introverts are ready for it. We need time to recharge and process everything. For each introvert, this can look different. It is important for you to respect this boundary and this need for the well-being of your friend. Choose to give them space, and respect their need to recharge. This will make the world of difference to your introverted friend and help you communicate better with them in the future. 

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    Vivian Bricker

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