“When I think of red flags, I think about the nonstarters or ‘hard stops’ that might come up in relationships that essentially make a relationship between people unsustainable,” explains Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, licensed therapist and co-founder of Viva Wellness.
Others may describe it as a trait or behavior they notice in someone else that encourages them to walk away from the connection. Remember: These aren’t always easy to spot early on, and hindsight is 20/20, so give yourself some slack if you’ve missed (or ignored) some red flags in past relationships.
On a similar but less intense note, “Yellow flags are those signs that we need to proceed with caution and collect more data before reaching a conclusion about the fate of the connection,” Caraballo says.
“In stark contrast, green flags are those signs that it would be great, and fruitful, to continue to invest in the relationship moving forward,” he adds. It’s important to note the positive traits as well, for the sake of a balanced outlook.
One day, when a conversation about completing chores quickly turned into a fight resulting in criticism and blame, I realized something:
Although I had no problem expressing myself or my feelings about a situation, I didn’t know how to communicate in a way that created a positive solution as a result. Often, our fights would leave in hurt feelings and awkward silences, but rarely did anything change after they occurred. After many years of feeling stuck, I decided to figure out how he gave and received information. I decided to look at myself rather than my husband to figure out how best to deal with the situations where we felt stuck.
Here are some of the things I discovered about how to communicate with my husband:
Dealing with Unmet Expectations
First, I had to get rid of unmet expectations. In marriage, each of us comes with expectations and assumptions about how the other person will or should act. But when that person doesn’t live up to our standards, it makes it more challenging to have the marriage that we desire. I had to get rid of my unmet expectations for him. It wasn’t fair I was expecting him to act and behave in a way that was contrary to who he truly was. When I could get rid of what I expected from my marriage and instead focus on what I had, it made it easier for me to communicate. As I analyzed my expectations, I realized my expectations were rooted in some idealized version of what a husband should be. Instead, I needed to figure out who he was and communicate in a way where we both left the conversation satisfied.
Stopping the Blame Game
Second, I stopped placing blame. Although in every situation, both parties have played a role in the breakdown of the marriage, I had to stop blaming him. When I can express my feelings about how I feel about a situation, rather than attacking or accusing, we both communicate more effectively. No one wants to feel as if they are responsible for every bad situation in the marriage. But both parties have contributed in some way to having an unhealthy marriage. When I come to grips with the fact that I am partly to blame, I can resolve my own issues and change my communication to achieve the result I desire.
Discovering a Solution
Third, I communicated the resolution in a way where both of us could take a role in resolving the problem. For example, if I found too much money was being spent out of our bank account or we weren’t sticking to our budget, I would communicate a solution in such a way that both of us could compromise and make the necessary changes to have a healthier financial situation. For example, I would agree to buy only what we needed if he would agree to pay attention to how much money was being withdrawn from the bank account. This way, both of us could take responsibility for being a part of the finances and come up with a solution without resulting in character assassination.
Reflecting on the Core Issue
Fourth, I asked myself what the underlying issue was behind our fights. When I discovered we were often fighting about the lack of love and acceptance we felt from each other, we were able to resolve what was really going on. For example, we might get into a fight about one of us doing more chores than the other. But what was underneath was the resentment I felt when it seemed like one person didn’t care for the other. When I understood the actual issues underneath the fight, I was able to discover a compromise that both parties could be okay with. This helped us not feel like we were spinning our wheels, never getting anywhere in our conflict, but rather we were able to communicate in such a way as to communicate each other’s need for love and acceptance instead of just a better distribution of the household responsibilities.
Meeting in the Middle
Fifth, I embrace compromise. In every situation where we come to a communication impasse, I can think of a compromise where both of us can be happy with the results. Although sometimes a situation calls for one of us to sacrifice for the other, we are able to give a little. When we are able to do that, we find we have more in common than we have differences. Marriage is a two-way relationship. Both parties must give themselves for the relationship to function at optimal capacity. It can’t be one party doing something and the other following blindly along. Both parties must feel valued and appreciated in their relationship. That means one spouse must give to the other even when they want to be selfish and focus on their personal needs or desires.
Releasing Control
Sixth, I gave up control. I stopped trying to control things that were out of my control, and I started to work on myself because it was the one thing I could truly change. During my daily quiet time, I worked on the issues that might be hindering me from a vibrant relationship with God. I asked him to recall old hurts, wounds, disappointments, fears, or unforgiveness that might be standing in the way of a good relationship with my husband. God, in his faithfulness, brought to mind each and every situation I needed to deal with. It was a long process, but once I was done, I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Once I was able to let go of everything in my life holding me back from the freedom Christ wanted for me, I was able to change my communication style to communicate both what I needed but also what I wanted. Sometimes we think our communication is clear; however, what we say and what others hear can be two completely different things. I made sure I was clearly communicating both my needs and wants to my husband. I also give him ideas for how to meet those needs. When I could do these things, my relationship got much better. And I ultimately realized that the only Person who can fill my needs and wants is Christ. Instead of controlling relationships in my life, I had to learn to let them go and care more about my reaction to the situation rather than how they were behaving in this situation.
Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships you’ll ever have. But it can also be the most rewarding experience because that person knows you the best. The other person sees you both at your best and your worst. When both husband and wife can learn how to communicate in a way that communicates both their concerns with the situation and their underlying needs, wants, and desires, it can be a stilling relationship for both parties. Above all, when we function properly in a marriage, we give Christ glory because it is the mirror of Christ and his Church.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
When God created marriage, He had one thing in mind. To create a human union that reflected how He loves the church (His people). He designed the beautiful relationship to reflect His perfect love. We want to step into marriage with a biblical and God-honoring foundation.
He desires that the relationship be fueled by each spouse putting the other first and encouraging them in their purposes for the Lord.
We, as humans, can’t love perfectly; we need all the help we can get. That is why participation in premarital counseling can be so life-giving for your future marriage. Before we get married, there are many things to consider.
We need to dig deep into the lives of our betrothed and get to the bottom of important issues. We want all things brought to light to avoid trouble in the future. As we prepare to walk down the aisle, one of the most beneficial things we can do is get premarital counseling.
So what is premarital counseling, you ask?
Premarital counseling is a type of counseling or therapy that helps couples get to a healthy place before they say I do. They have an opportunity to discuss important topics and to get their expectations aligned. You can hire a professional counselor specializing in premarital, or your pastor will most likely offer his services before officiating your wedding. Christian counseling or meeting with your pastor would be most beneficial as you can incorporate your faith and relationships with God in the process, learning how to put Him in the center of marriage. This can help sustain the relationship when issues do arise.
God empowers us with truths from His Word that give us guidance and direction when it comes to marriage. He equipped us with basic and solid truths that we can stand firm on when we enter marriage. Christian premarital counseling can help us pull out these truths and give us practical ways to apply them to our lives.
4 Biblical Purposes for Premarital Counseling
1. Understanding Marriage Commitment
If a man vows a vow to the Lord or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2
In our modern world, too often, people enter into marriage not fully understanding their lifelong commitment. When the engagement ring has been placed on the girl’s finger, the focus is often on planning the wedding and all that it entails. The wedding preparation can be all-consuming, leaving little room for preparing for what life will look like after the celebration ends. God has a lot to say about what he desires for marriage. When we spend time with a counselor truly understanding the commitment, it can put our heads in the right space so that we are not bombarded when the honeymoon ends. We want to truly understand what we are getting into as much as possible, so that when conflict and issues arise, we have the commitment needed to withstand marriage’s difficulties.
2. Improve Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18
Everyone is brought up in a different home, with different families and different ways of communicating with each other. It is often the case that each person has been modeled in different ways of navigating their communication skills growing up. Understanding these aspects of childhood can be extremely beneficial before the walk down the aisle. It is impossible to know everything, but talking about how you desire to communicate and learning how your future spouse expresses his feelings and thoughts will only serve you well in your marriage. A counselor can help you understand yourself and your future spouse.
Conflict is inevitable in marriage. You will disagree, and you will fight. This is normal and healthy. You want to be in a marriage that provides a safe space to express emotion and issues openly. Talking about your conflict resolution skills with premarital counseling can smooth out issues before they arise. This doesn’t mean you will always sail in and out of the conflict in your marriage. However, entering the marriage with a rich understanding of how you each resolve or avoid conflict can give you a head start in your marriage relationship.
3. Setting Realistic Expectations
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. Psalm 62:5
The world tells us that marriage was created to make us happy and bring us all the fulfillment we need. This could not be further from the truth. Although God longs for us to find joy in our marriage and our spouse, this can not be why we get married. Too many marriages fail, and the reason is often “he/she didn’t make me happy.” That is quite a lofty expectation to put on another person. One person should not have to carry that responsibility, especially a spouse. Even on our best days, it is impossible to be perfect, and we will most likely disappoint our spouse at some point in the marriage. This happens often. When we seek out premarital counseling and discuss the expectations of the marriage, it can even the playing field so that we are not left shell-shocked when we realize that our person is not perfect. They make mistakes and can even make us unhappy. When we gain a good perspective on navigating disappointment, we won’t be tempted to take the world’s advice and walk away when things get hard. You will learn how to stick it out and have grace and forgiveness for your spouse.
Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. Ephesians 5:11-12
No one likes to talk about their past relationships with their future spouse. It can be uncomfortable and awkward. However, disclosing your past in the safe space of premarital counseling can relieve any mystery regarding your person’s past. There do not need to be details or even names, but revealing each person that you have had a serious or sexual relationship with will help you get to know each other better and give you opportunities to clear the air. Praying for a release from any soul ties with other people can give you a clean slate as you start your marriage. You can enter the marriage knowing that you know everything and won’t have any questions later. If, in the future, people from the past get brought up, or you have a chance encounter, you will not be taken off guard or left feeling like there were any secrets. You can have complete confidence that there are no hidden things regarding your past.
Use this time to expose any addictions or hidden sin you need to work on. This can be a vulnerable place to be in, but it is better to get it out in the open before you are married and allow your spouse to work through any issues they have.
Secret sin will kill a marriage. It will give the enemy a foothold in your marriage and create distance, resentment, and unhealthy conflict. Bring all things into the light, as awkward and uncomfortable as it may be. Working with premarital counseling to talk about these awkward issues can expose past sin and bring it to light so that it does not have a hold on your marriage before it even starts.
Do your future marriage a favor and get started on premarital counseling. It is possible to have a healthy, life-giving, and God-honoring marriage, even amongst life’s biggest issues. When you get started on the right foot with everything out in the open, you will have the best chance of a beautiful and fulfilling marriage.
Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at thebreathingmama.com, sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.
In marriage, we struggle in the tension between hopeful ideals and the very real hurts we feel as husbands and wives. Blind optimism says our spouse is our perfect soulmate who can do no wrong—but this only sets us up for painful disappointment.
That pain then feeds negativity that can only see the worst in our partner. Unrealistic expectations set us up for frustration, confusion, and distance in our marriage.
Hope and help are found in confronting the hard facts of marriage together. You can discover what subtle, false messages you’re believing about each other. You can name the threats to your relationship and tackle them head-on.
By facing these 5 hard facts of marriage together, you can grow closer and stronger together than ever before.
1. The Odds Are Against You
At the moment you said, “I do,” you stepped onto a battlefield.
Our culture’s high divorce rate is proof that many couples are losing the war. For those in the trenches, marriage and family therapists make up the fastest-growing segment of mental health professionals. Marriage is tough and we know it.
The Bible describes exactly why it’s a struggle to love each other for life. The enemies of your soul—the world, the flesh, and the devil—are coming against your marriage every day.
The world says a faithful, lifelong relationship is either a hopeless ideal or a miserable trap to steal your happiness. Your flesh, or your sinful desires and thoughts, is selfish and wants its own way.
The devil is constantly denying God’s truth, tempting you to break your vows, and working to destroy your home.
Yet in the middle of all the bad news, God offers hope. We’re not in the battle alone. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).
If we abide in Christ, we can walk in the truth of his Word(3 John 4). We can overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). In him, we can experience love that never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
No matter how beaten and battered your marriage might be, “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
2. Marriage Isn’t Math
In our marriage, we might dream of a 50-50 equation. We’re confident if we bear an equal load of work and effort, we’ll strike a happy balance in our home.
Yet a 50-50 marriage soon runs into trouble.
It keeps score, measuring if each partner is doing their fair share. It refuses to go above and beyond. Frustration and resentment grow until giving to one another is a burden instead of a joy.
We can also hold to the ideal that one plus one equals one. Surely if we each give our whole selves to the marriage at all times, our lives will be whole and complete.
We find, though, that hardships and struggles hold us back. A husband battling depression won’t have a full measure of energy and motivation to offer. A wife who’s lost her job can’t bring her top-earning potential to the budget.
Caring for infants, kids with special needs, or aging parents may limit your ability to meet the needs of your spouse. A one plus one equals one equation falls apart in the “for worse” seasons of life.
For our marriage to thrive, we need to toss the math book. Our measuring stick is Jesus, whose love is so “wide and long and high and deep,” it’s beyond understanding. (Ephesians 3:18-19) God invites us to pray for that same love: “May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other” (1 Thessalonians 3:12).
His Spirit will give us the compassion and humility we need to put each other first. He’ll multiply our patience, our generosity, and our love to be greater than ever before.
A husband and wife enter marriage with a lifetime of memories and family relationships attached to their heart. As you unite to one another, you become joined to the people who shaped your spouse’s habits and view of the world.
Navigating a whole new set of parents, siblings, and relatives puts you in uncharted waters. The differences in your family traditions and personalities can put a strain on your marriage.
Chances are, your families have shaped the way you celebrate holidays. Plan vacations. Spend or save your money. Discipline your kids.
They influence how you deal with conflict and stress. Your background can impact the way you put down roots or crave variety and change. Every time your family differences collide, you have a choice: You can seek to understand and compromise, or you can fight for what’s familiar.
God wants to use your family relationships to grow you closer to him and each other. He places each person in your life to refine you to be more like Jesus. Take a fresh look at your in-laws to see the character strengths they instilled in your spouse.
Practice empathy for the setbacks and hardships that wounded their spirits. Ask God how he’s using your in-law relationships to expose sin and grow your faith. He’ll help you to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger” so you can “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
4. You Can’t Change Your Spouse
Remember how excited you were to discover your spouse was “the one”? And, do you remember when those cute little quirks were not so endearing anymore? With the best of intentions, you started a mission to fix and change the weaknesses you see in your spouse.
Perhaps your partner could stand to be more organized. She could be more punctual and pick up the pace when she’s driving. His table manners leave a bit to be desired. She needs a little backbone with her pushy boss. He should keep his cool when the neighbor’s dog makes a mess in your yard. Again.
It’s easy to spot all the ways your spouse could shape up and wise up by taking your input to heart.
Yet all that “help” won’t bring the results you’re hoping for. Your spouse is a unique creation of God with a personality, appearance, and character of their own. Sure, you can influence each other’s taste in meals and movies, but you can’t dictate anyone’s dreams and desires. Fears or motivations. Beliefs and emotions.
You and your spouse are called to love each other just as you are.
If your husband or wife is struggling with immaturity or you need more grace, take it to prayer. Put your trust in God, who “teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age” (Titus 2:11-12).
Real change is possible through the loving work that only God can do.
5. Your Spouse Can’t Make You Happy
Marriage has the potential to flood your life with blessings. It offers companionship to ease your loneliness. It holds the joys of affection and sexual intimacy.
Your spouse can be a teammate who lightens your load and tackles life’s challenges by your side. In marriage, you can find a shoulder to cry on, a cheerleader for your dreams and goals, and a friend who cares.
Yet even the best marriage has limitations. Your spouse can’t erase the pain of the past and heal your wounds. Marriage won’t set you free from stress, anxiety, and trouble. It won’t give you the sense of worth or identity you crave.
No matter how devoted your spouse may be, they’re not perfect.
At times they’ll let you down and lose your respect. They’ll fail to say the words you long to hear. Your spouse’s shoulders were never meant to carry the entire weight of your hopes, your needs, and the desires of your heart.
While marriage is a good and wonderful gift, our best happiness comes from the Giver himself.
In him, we find salvation and new life. He transforms our thinking, meets our needs, and gives purpose for our lives. His love is constant and greater than we can comprehend. If we look to God for joy, the Word becomes our own:
Praise the Lord my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:2-5).
Once you depend on God for your happiness, you’re free to love and bless your spouse more than ever. Jesus’ love can fill your home with the greatest joy you’ve ever known.
Joanna Teigen and her husband Rob have shared over 25 years of marriage and life with five kids, plus a beautiful daughter-in-law. They’re a neat-freak married to a mess, an explorer to a homebody, and an introvert to a ‘people person.’ But they agree their vows are for always and prayer is powerful. Joanna is the co-author of Mr. and Mrs., 366 Devotions for Couples, A Mom’s Prayers for Her Son, and a variety of other resources for couples and parents. She looks forward to meeting you at https://growinghometogether.com/
Joanna Teigen and her husband Rob have shared over 28 years of marriage and life with five kids, plus a beautiful daughter-in-law. They’re a neat freak married to a mess, an explorer to a homebody, and an introvert to a ‘people person.’ But they agree their vows are for always and prayer is powerful. Joanna is the co-author of Mr. and Mrs., 366 Devotions for Couples, Powerful Prayers for Your Son, and a variety of resources for your family. She looks forward to meeting you to share a free devotional and the Growing Home Together Podcast at growinghometogether.com.
When you think of hospitality, what comes to mind? For me, I think of inviting people into my home and creating a space for them to feel loved and welcomed. I think of providing food and comfort for them—making the home feel warm, and visitors feel appreciated no matter what they carry in the door.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:9-13, “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.”
These verses remind me of God’s heart for His people. He desires for us to truly see His people and love them. Sometimes, people can tell when the love isn’t real so Paul tells us to really love and serve them. We are to advocate for His image bearers and set our eyes on helping them. Often, it means putting aside our own agendas to be of service to someone else. Being hospitable isn’t always convenient or favorable.
When someone shares things that are concerning them, it is hard for me not to want to help. Sometimes, I have to pray and ask the Lord to show me what my role is in helping them because I acknowledge my limitations. I know I may not be able to meet all of the needs on my own. In some circumstances, what concerns them is beyond my skillsets or abilities, but I have noticed how God will allow my ears to hear about someone who may be in a field or better position to provide better assistance.
Different Forms of Hospitality
Hospitality comes in many forms. Sometimes, it is us directly by offering help, monetary resources, or a listening ear. Other times, it could be introducing the need to someone else in our sphere of influence who can best assist. God has given each of us ways to be hospitable.
Sometimes, I have trouble asking others for help. Whenever I feel this happening, I am reminded of someone telling me “not to rob someone else of an opportunity of being a blessing.” These words have rested on my heart as I never want someone who is led to be a blessing to not be able to do so because of me.
When I think of hospitality, I can’t help but be reminded of the Scripture in Acts 2:44-46, which tells us, “And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity.” What a beautiful picture this would have been to witness! To have an opportunity to see people worshipping together and sharing everything they had. How kind would that be to witness in our world today?
God’s Ultimate Plan for Hospitality
Years ago, I read the book The Gospel Comes with a House Key by Rosario Butterfield. In this book, she talks about seeing our home as a place where we exemplify the gospel message. When we can open our homes to our neighbors from all walks of life, we see how the gospel can bring different people together that the world would think could never get along. We don’t always have to recite the Scripture; sometimes, it is a matter of just living it out.
We may not know why the Lord will put us in specific neighborhoods or zip codes, but we can be certain that there is a strategic reason. God is intentional about all things. He can use our homes to ignite conversations that show people they are loved, seen, valued, and cared for.
For the single neighbor, maybe it is showing her that she doesn’t have to eat dinner alone, or for the neighbor who just moved to the city, showing that there is a friendly face willing to assist. We have an opportunity to walk out Scripture every day through our hospitality. We can’t underestimate how hospitality can open the door for someone to experience Jesus in a fresh way. If we allow God to use us, He will open doors for us to show love and kindness to and for His people.
When God allows our eyes to see a need, it opens the door for us to search for ways to show hospitality to them.
Practical, Biblical Hospitality
Below are some practical ways we can practice biblical hospitality:
1. Pray and ask the Lord for ways to be hospitable: We all have different passions and skill sets. Ask the Lord how you can use what you have in this season to practice hospitality. It can be as simple as inviting someone to go on a walk, offering a single mom a helping hand, or opening your home to college students in your church. God can reveal ways to be hospitable to meet the needs of your community. He delights in seeing us show love to His people. What a beautiful picture of the gospel when we can choose to help someone else and not keep it all for ourselves.
2. Create an environment to foster community: One of the ways we can be hospitable is by making people feel seen, valued, and safe. This can be in your home and your daily conversations. We should authentically seek to provide comfort to those we are entrusted with. When we foster this type of community, it will open the door for them to soften their hearts to receive what the Lord could lead you to share. We were not created to do life alone, and we shouldn’t be ok seeing others living in that manner.
3. Always look for opportunities to serve: There will always be an opportunity to serve someone in big or small ways. We just have to keep a heart’s posture where there is a desire to see the ways we can serve. This can be done in different ways, but as you build community with those you are entrusted with, ask them for ways you can help lighten their load. Jesus came to earth and served others; we can follow His example by finding ways to serve those in our world. Be hospitable to those you see and look for ways to serve them.
4. Steward our words honorably:Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Our words have power. We can choose words to build someone up or to tear them down. As believers, we should seek encouraging ways to use our words to be helpful to someone else. This world is beating people down enough; they don’t need what leaves our lips to do the same.
Being hospitable should seep from within us believers. We should be people who are always looking for ways to be a blessing to others. Let the gospel be displayed through us in how we practice biblical hospitality daily. Allow God to show us why He has placed us at our workplace, in our neighborhoods, and our churches. There is always a bigger reason why He has us in those places and around certain people. God is good and kind. He desires His goodness and kindness to be displayed through us and for His people. God can build His kingdom in many ways, yet He chooses to allow us to partner with Him in doing so. Let’s be partners who seek to display hospitality to His people however He leads us.
Shakia Clark is a writer, marketer, and servant leader who is passionate about encouraging women to experience God’s best for their lives. She has a heart for women to see themselves the way that God sees them. She finds joy in coming alongside them in their journey. When she isn’t writing, you can find her spending time with friends and family, traveling, reading, trying new recipes, or actively serving her community. She blogs at www.shakiaclark.com.
Last but not least, if your relationship grows, that doesn’t mean you have to completely lose aspects of ludus love. As Page tells mindbodygreen, ludus love in its mature form can maintain stability and commitment while still being flirtatious, seductive, and playful. “These are beautiful qualities that are often the very qualities missing in long-term love,” he adds.
So, if you’re in ludus love, ask yourself if this is the mature form of ludus or the immature form, which involves game-playing, manipulation, and general avoidance. And instead of seeing ludus as a static stage, he says, you can integrate it into the long-term big picture.
“When you get out of that first stage, other kinds of ‘rocket fuel’ are needed—and those include the more mature aspects of building bonds: truthfulness, transparency, vulnerability, honesty, and connection. So, you lose the entrenchment of ludus love, but you try your best to keep the fun part,” Page explains.
Although it’s a common belief that “opposites attract,” research shows that couples who share similarities are actually more likely to last long-term. A 2005 study of marital satisfaction found that similarity is an important predictor of long-term relationship success, with personality being a key factor in determining whether or not a couple will last.
A 2017 study1 found that close friends and romantic partners tend to share similar core beliefs, values, and hobbies, and other research suggests2 that we’re even drawn to people with similar physical traits as ours because we tend to find them more trustworthy. A 2022 study3 about dating app behaviors found that more highly educated users were more likely to choose a profile that flagged a higher education degree as well, suggesting that even online, similarity matters.
But what about your aunt and uncle who have been married for 20 years and are polar opposites? “It might be easy for other people to look at their relationship as evidence for ‘opposites attracting,’” says therapist Daniel Matchar, LMSW. “However, when a large sample of couples is examined, this pattern does not hold. Everyone has an example of an ‘opposites attract’ couple, but if you took an inventory of all the couples you know, it would probably become clear that these are usually anomalies.”
Some stats, however, show that opposites can indeed attract and make things work—with a caveat. A 2020 study4 published in Developmental Psychology found that sharing intimate thoughts and feeling appreciated by a partner in a relationship are equally as important as having autonomy and separate interests. So even if you’re total opposites, the relationship can be a rewarding one as long as there’s enough communication and common ground.
Modern dating also looks different than it did decades ago, and today, opposites may be more likely to attract than they used to. “The pandemic caused us to throw out our blueprint of who and how we date,” says Boodram, who, in her work with Bumble, witnesses many success stories where opposites attract. “A recent Bumble survey found that 1 in 3 (38%) of people around the world are now more open to who they consider dating beyond their ‘type,’” she tells mbg.
Four in five Americans believe that women stay in unhappy relationships due to lack of financial independence, according to data from Bumble’s State of the Nation 2023 survey.
If independence is important to you, it would be wise to maintain some financial distance from your partner, whether or not you feel your relationship is on shaky ground.
“If your value system is to be able to be independent, then you’ve got to create that independence,” said Mark La Spisa, a certified financial planner and president of Vermilion Financial.
One money move you can make to guarantee your autonomy: Don’t combine bank accounts.
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean all your money should be deposited in the same account. Instead, use the “three-account method,” La Spisa said.
This means you and your partner each maintain a separate bank account and open a third one into which you both contribute an agreed-upon amount.
This, he said, is the No. 1 way to guarantee that you can “walk away at any time.”
If your value system is to be able to be independent, then you’ve got to create that independence.
Having your own credit cards is also important, La Spisa said. Any new housing you apply to will likely want to run a credit check, and you don’t want a neglected credit score to hold you back.
“You’ve got to keep your credit score up,” he said.
There are some mental adjustments you should take into account, too.
“People are willing to sacrifice their happiness, in a lot of cases, for security or for stuff,” La Spisa said. “They’ll put up with unhappiness in the name of holding on to a lifestyle they potentially couldn’t afford.”
Familiarize yourself with what your life would look like without your partner’s income by creating a “before-and-after budget,” La Spisa said. How much money would you have for rent? How many times a month would you be able to go out to eat? Would you be able to vacation as often?
Asking yourself these questions can help you visualize how your life might change if you were to rely only on what you earn.
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Trust us. We get it. Someone talks about you behind your back or lies to your face. It makes you mad. You want to vent, but you don’t necessarily want to give all the details to everyone. So, up on Facebook goes a passive-aggressive post that you hope the person sees.
Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t. Either way, this isn’t what Jesus meant about us approaching that person privately to discuss the problem (Matthew 18:15–18). More than likely, you’ve made your innocent friends feel like maybe they were the ones who hurt you in some way, but they don’t know how. Now they’re paranoid.
If you need to vent, do it to someone you trust in person so that they can bear your burden (Galatians 6:2). Don’t post that vague status update.
We conquer leadership insecurities by preparing ourselves. Spiritual preparation involves a consciously, regularly, deliberately focused study of the Word of God. Paul, in 2 Timothy 2:15, wrote to “study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” The household spiritual leader must do “spiritual pushups” to be equipped to lead and teach the family over which leadership was given.
Great insecurities will abound if we attempt to lead a family Bible study in the manner we gave an oral report on a novel we did not read in the eighth grade. When not sufficiently prepared, we begin with self-doubts. A lack of preparation gives fertile land to the devil and all of his insecurities which deplete any confidence. Intellect and education have nothing to do with this preparedness. The Holy Spirit leads, guides, and instructs an individual who is doing the work of the Lord. In Hebrews 13:21 we are given the promise that God will “equip [us] with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight.” The Holy Spirit gives understanding and spiritual discernment which are outside the curriculum of any public school system or awarded degree.
In James 1:5, we are taught, “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” The ability to spiritually understand and convey scripture and doctrine is only given by the Holy Spirit by and through our faithful prayers asking for boldness and guidance. As Psalm 23 reminds us that God is our good shepherd, the family’s spiritual leader is its shepherd. This role requires that we pray for the ability to lead our families on paths of righteousness through the Spirit and Word of God. Further, we have confidence as Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 5:24, “faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.” We can have confidence that we will be equipped for the position for which we were called.
Prayers are necessary for our protection and our preparation. William Gurnal wrote that “the Christian’s armor will rest except it be furbished with the oil of prayer.” The prayerful reading and studying of the Word are buttressed by deliberate meditation. David wrote in Psalm 1:2 that the blessed man’s “delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night.” Thus, our preparation consists of reading, studying, and meditating on the Word of God as well as fervent prayers for the full realization of His promises.
By single-handedly severing the communication cord, ghosting prevents any attempts at reconciliation. This is unfortunate because many conflicts end up shattering hearts simply because the responsible parties never attempted to discuss what happened.
I wonder if this is one reason Paul preferred singleness. “I want you to be without concern,” he explained in 1 Corinthians 7:32.
Makes sense. A single person doesn’t need to continually touch base with her significant other about what went wrong and how things can be made better.
But since ghosting happens to married couples and singles alike—some folks ghost former friends too, remember?—let’s return to this concept of reconciling.
Reviewing past pain with the person who caused it is, by definition, unpleasant. I’ve shared how in one case, it took years to pursue reconciliation myself.
Even though the pressures to avoid reconciling are real, our God is a God of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). The least we can do is to enable the possibility of talking things out rather than ghosting another person.
8. Generates More Ghosting
Strong emotions have fascinating characteristics. One of them is the unconscious tendency to transfer to an innocent bystander the strong feelings induced in us by someone else’s behavior.
Think about the famous joke concerning a string of violence: a man was humiliated by his manager. He felt so enraged that when he came home, he yelled at his wife, who then spanked the kid, who then kicked the dog, which then barked at the cat, which then—
Beats me. How do upset cats behave?
The point is, if you could interview every victim of ghosting, I doubt there were any who relished the phenomenon.
What’s more likely is those who have felt the pain of being ghosted turn around and then ghost another person.
Ghosting No More
Jesus once left an adulterous woman with a simple—but significant—goodbye. “Go and sin no more” (John 8:11). Please recognize the gravity of his response. Here was the sinless Son of God, the Great I Am, standing next to a woman guilty of sexual sin.
In spite of her obvious role in breaking the seventh commandment, however, Jesus didn’t condemn her.
But if Jesus didn’t condemn her for adultery, he wouldn’t condemn anyone for ghosting either.
So how about if you adapt Jesus’ instruction? Go and stop ghosting.
This is the essence of repentance: to drop the old behavior and do the opposite.
But to faithfully fulfill this mandate, you’ll need to develop skills that would make ghosting unnecessary by, for instance, learning how to best manage conflict resolutions.
Consider spotting—and scrubbing—other unhealthy boundaries. The momentum gained from removing one unwholesome behavior from your life can spur you to purge even more.
Who knows, maybe I’ll also address how to quit ghosting in the future.
Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.
Dating apps have undoubtedly revolutionized how people find love and connect with others. 3 in 10 US adults say they have used an online dating service (website or app). The convenience and accessibility of dating apps have made it easier for individuals to meet potential partners, but it has also contributed to some negative impacts on the dating scene. In this article, we will explore why dating apps can be detrimental to the dating experience.
1. Superficiality
Research from William Chopik, an associate professor in the Michigan State University Department of Psychology, and Dr. David Johnson from the University of Maryland, finds that people’s reason for swiping right is based primarily on attractiveness and the race of a potential partner and that decisions are often made in less than a second.
One of the primary criticisms of dating apps is that they tend to focus on superficial qualities rather than deeper compatibility. Users are often swiping through potential matches based on their physical appearance rather than considering their personalities or values. This can lead to a culture of shallow and superficial dating, where people are judged solely on their looks and not their character.
Another issue with dating apps is that they can promote a culture of inauthenticity. Users often present an idealized version, i.e., a highlight reel of themselves online, carefully curating their profiles to showcase their best qualities. This can lead to a lack of transparency and honesty in the dating process, making it harder for people to form genuine connections.
A 2020 study by Pew Research found that one-third of women using dating apps have been called an abusive name, and almost half of women had men continue to pursue them online after they said no. That’s double the rate that men experience. Dating apps can contribute to the dehumanization of potential partners.
When people are reduced to a profile picture and a short bio, it can be easy to forget that they are real human beings with complex emotions and experiences. This can lead to a lack of empathy and understanding in the dating process, making it harder for people to form meaningful connections with others.
4. Burnout
The sheer volume of potential matches on dating apps can also lead to burnout. The 70 million adults in America that use dating apps have developed a rejection mindset that makes dating feel particularly unpromising and exhausting.
Users are often overwhelmed by the sheer number of options available to them, which can lead to decision fatigue and a feeling of being emotionally drained. This can make it harder for people to put effort into any one relationship, as they are constantly wondering if there might be someone better out there.
Dating apps are also notorious for catfishing and scams. Users can easily create fake profiles or misrepresent themselves online, leading to disappointment or even danger when users meet in person. This can lead to a lack of trust in the online dating process, making it harder for people to form genuine connections.
In 2019, the Columbia School of Journalism in New York City and news site ProPublica found that the Match Group, which owns around 45 dating apps, only screens for sex offenders on its paid-for apps, not free platforms like Tinder, OKCupid and Hinge. While some work has been done to correct the lack of fraud prevention in online dating, there’s a loophole in American internet law, Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which dictates sites can’t be held accountable for the harm that comes to third parties through their platforms.
Dating apps can limit communication between potential partners. Users are often limited to texting or messaging, and without the benefit of face-to-face interaction, it can be harder to gauge a person’s true character or intentions, leading to misunderstandings or miscommunications.
7. No in-app advertising transparency
Finally, and perhaps the best (worst?) for last. Major dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge lack any sort of in-app advertising transparency. Users are constantly upsold on more premiumfeatures like boosting a profile for 1 hour to be seen by more members, but there’s never any reporting data on impressions made, engagement, clicks, etc. Ad performance data is available across all digital platforms, such as Google and Meta, but appears nonexistent within the dating apps space.
In conclusion, while dating apps have undoubtedly made it easier for people to meet potential partners, they have also contributed to some negative impacts on the dating scene. Superficiality, inauthenticity, dehumanization, burnout, catfishing and scams, limited communication and lack of in-app advertising transparency are all potential downsides to using dating apps.
While they can be useful for meeting people, it’s essential to approach them cautiously and be aware of their limitations. Ultimately, the best way to find a meaningful relationship is by getting to know someone in person through genuine interactions and communication.
The number one contributing factor to finding a mate is proximity, i.e., if I want to find someone interested in nonfiction books, I need to go to book readings with nonfiction book authors, or salsa classes for salsa aficionados or dog parks for dog lovers. The point is to know your values and go to places with people who share the same values as you do.
As a Christian teenager in the 1980s, I had an eyewitness account of the rise of the purity culture. From seventh to ninth grade, I attended a Baptist Christian school and well remember my frustration over the hypocrisy I saw there—namely, female students couldn’t wear slacks, our skirts had to cover our knees and touch the ground if we kneeled, and we had to wear culottes the same length for gym class. On the flip side, the male students had no such clothing restrictions and could even remove their shirts during sports practice (which nearly all of them did on a regular basis). When I asked a teacher why it wasn’t immodest for the boys to be shirtless, I was tagged as a troublemaker who clearly didn’t understand my place in the Christian home.
This one example showcases how easily the purity culture can become toxic—and why there’s been a lot of backlash over the past few years about the purity culture and how poisonous it has become. While much of the purity culture itself is focused on women and what our role should be, men too have responsibility to eliminate the lethal nature related to sexual purity.
First, let’s get on the same page as to what we mean by a purity culture. One writer defined it as “the notion that a woman’s place and worth in life is defined solely by how she chooses to express her sexuality, thus implying that her sexual ‘purity’ is her only value.” Toxic purity culture “is anything that adds to or avoids the whole content of God’s commands for sex and sexuality.”
While women have been fighting to change the noxious nature of the purity culture, men should also work to reduce the toxicity residing within the purity culture. Here are six things men of all ages can do to redeem sexual purity.
Continuing on from how can I be grateful in a season of grief, we now reflect upon the question of why I should be grateful in a season of grief. Maybe you have often wondered the same question. Why should we be grateful when all we are experiencing is pain and grief? This is a question that needs to be answered in order to help us healthily navigate our heartache and pain.
To be honest, it is a difficult concept to know the why behind most things. Especially in the matter of grief, it can feel nearly impossible to see why we should be grateful while surrounded by so much hurt. If anything, we feel we should be crying and hiding from the world as we experience our grief. This is a valid response to grief and one that I still experience, but we can still be grateful. We should be grateful in a season of grief because God is teaching us something through the pain.
Similar to many people who have lost loved ones, I have never been the same since they died. I used to be more bubbly and extroverted, but now I battle depression and prefer to keep people at a distance. Maybe you have noticed the same to be true in your own life. Whether a loved one died or another reason for grief has come into your life, it may have changed you as a person. If this has happened, know that it is alright and there is nothing wrong with you. Tragic times have a way of changing people.
Through these seasons of grief, we can be grateful because God is teaching us about loss, pain, and the importance of turning to Him. How many times have you turned to God when your life was going smoothly, and everything was happy? Now think about how many times you turned to God when you were going through a season of grief. More likely than not, you turned to God more in times of distress than you did during times of happiness. Our seasons of grief can teach us this vital lesson and explain why we can be grateful.
We can be grateful because we know God is always there for us. Unlike human beings, God will never die. He will never leave, nor will we ever be away from His love. Since this is true we can know why we should be grateful in our grief. God is with us, and through Him, we have the promise of seeing our loved ones again in heaven. We can be grateful to God because even though death is ultimately mankind’s fault, our mistake has been fixed through the saving work of Jesus Christ. If it wasn’t for Jesus, we would all be lost and without hope. Grief reminds us of this hope.
The Journey of Grief
It can be hard at the beginning to see anything to be grateful for, but there is much to be thankful for. It can be even harder to find a reason why to be grateful. Oftentimes, right after the cause of the grief, it’s too early to start seeing all the things you are grateful for. It is good to give yourself time to grieve, cry, and miss your loved one. Throughout the months and years, you will discover a state of peace and a new rhythm where you can begin to be grateful and see the reason why to be grateful even in the midst of your grief.
As I mentioned in part one, my loved ones have been gone for seven years at this point, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them. Even though I still grieve for them, I am able to see the why. Why should I be grateful in the season of grief? I should be grateful because of Jesus’ saving grace through the cross and how I will see my loved ones once again in heaven. I can also be grateful because, through these seasons of grief, I have become emphatic and more understanding of people. Maybe you have noticed some things to be thankful for in your own life too not despite this season of grief but because of this season of grief.
Be thankful for the lessons, the love, and the laughter that your loved one left with you. We often think of our loved ones being gone when they pass away, but nobody is ever actually gone. They are just somewhere else. If our loved ones placed faith in Jesus, they are in heaven with Him, and you will see them again. Our grief will never remain forever as there will be a time when every tear will be wiped from our eyes (Revelation 21:4). Choose to be thankful for all these little things, and don’t allow the grief to cause you to grow bitter.
Looking to Eternity
We can also be grateful that our earthly life isn’t forever. As was the case for my dog, Beauty, and my mom, they were both in terrible pain up to their death. I’m grateful they don’t have to be in pain anymore. They are with God, and never again will they have to experience any discomfort.
I remember about a week after Beauty passed, I asked my mom how long the pain in my heart was going to last—the deep aching in my heart. My mom told me that it might never go away, but it would lessen as days went on. My mom was right; the pain has lessened, but the grief still remains. If I keep myself busy, I don’t have much time to think about the sadness, but if I have a free day, I find myself drifting back to that dark place. Something else my mom told me that day changed my perspective greatly. I told my mom I just wanted Beauty back, and my mom told me that she knew how badly I was hurting, but the hard truth is that it’s often our own selfishness that causes us to want the person or furry friend with us. We want them with us even though they are far happier and without pain in heaven with God.
I’ve had many years to reflect on the death of my loved ones, so don’t get discouraged if you’re not at the stage to start feeling grateful or to know the why in why you should be grateful. Grief comes in waves, and everyone’s grief journey is different. Some might heal faster, while others might take longer. If you are grieving, extend yourself grace, and don’t beat yourself up or play the “what if?” game. I have done this millions of times, and it never does anything to help.
Seasons of grief are hard, but through these seasons, God helps us grow, and He always blesses us with the comfort of His love. As you are walking through this season of grief, know that God is walking right beside you. He isn’t going anywhere, and He will be with you through it all (Psalm 23). Whether your reason for grief is new or old, know that your feelings are valid and God cares about each one. Turn to God in your pain and tell Him everything you are experiencing. He will continue to be with you, and He will comfort you with the comfort only He can provide.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Grief is difficult. The ever-gnawing pain at your heart, the deep emptiness, and the never-ending tears that fall from your eyes are present throughout grief. If you have gone through grief or are currently grieving, you know the pain associated with this season of life. Even if you have gone through grief on many occasions, it is impossible to get used to the feeling in our daily lives. It is always present, and it is always painful. However, despite this season of grief, you can still be grateful.
About 7 years ago, I went through the worst year of my life. Shortly after the year began, in the month of February, our family dog passed away from cancer. She was the sweetest dog and was always loyal to us. Even on the worst days, she was ready to greet you with eyes full of joy and a wagging tail. Our dog was a Scottish Terrier Beagle mix and she was with us throughout much of our childhood and our teen years. If you have a pet, you know how much they become like family to you. When they pass away, it is like a knife to the heart that is never taken away.
Our dog’s name was Beauty. Our mom named her Black Beauty after the classic book Black Beauty, but we always called her Beauty for short. All throughout elementary school, Beauty was the talk among our friends, and everyone wanted to meet our furry friend. She was always sweet and never tried to bite anyone. The only times she ever growled was if you tried to take her bone, so we learned from a young age not to mess with her while she was gnawing on her bone. Outside of that, Beauty was always ready to give you love and to play.
My older sister often got sick or would break a bone, which forced her to rest a lot. Beauty was her constant companion and kept her company throughout the sickness and healing. In fact, my sister and Beauty were best friends. After the death of Beauty, I believe it hurt my sister the worst. I was experiencing grief and pain after Beauty’s death, but it was nothing compared to my sister’s grief. She went into a deep depression and had trouble wanting to do anything. I completely understand her pain, and I understood it back then too. Does Beauty’s death still cause us to cry? Of course, because we loved her and she is no longer here, but I am grateful for all the time we had with her.
We can be grateful in a season of grief because we can be grateful to God for allowing the individual or the furry friend into our life even if for only a short time. Through our time with Beauty, we learned responsibility, and we learned the unconditional love that comes from a pet. A dog doesn’t care if you stayed in your pajamas all day, didn’t do your hair just right, or that you burnt the toast. A dog loves you just because you are you. This was true for Beauty, and I know it is true for many other dogs and other furry friends across the globe.
Gratefulness doesn’t mean that you are happy, but it does mean you are grateful for the time you were able to spend with your loved one. Through Beauty’s death, I experienced my first actual season of grief that I have never been able to shake. To be honest, I don’t know if I will ever be able to shake it because of the love Beauty had for us and the knowledge that I won’t ever see her again in this life. Even still, I can be grateful for the time I had with Beauty while grieving. In the same way, you can still be grateful despite this season of grief.
More Pain and Death
In hindsight, Beauty’s death almost acted as a preparation for what was going to happen next. About eight months after Beauty passed, my mom passed away. She was young, but she had been having heart problems for several years. We had hoped her condition was improving, yet she was only getting worse. My mom had to be in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for ten days before God called her home. Those ten days felt like an eternity. To see your mother in the hospital with a machine pumping to keep her heart beating is something I wish nobody has to ever experience.
It was traumatizing, to say the least, and death provoking to say the worse. The strongest woman I ever knew was on life support in ICU. My mom became alert at times, and we got to talk with her a few times, but what we didn’t know was that my mom was never going to be coming home. I remember the day my mom left for the hospital like it was yesterday. My dad went to pull the car down to take her to the hospital, and I was the only one awake. My mom told me everything was going to be okay and that I needed to go back to sleep.
Something told me that morning, as I saw my mom standing on the porch, that she wouldn’t be coming home. When I saw her standing on the porch, it would be the last time she would ever be home. Or at least at her earthly home. I never did go back to sleep that morning, but instead started praying for my mom to get better and that everything would be okay. Within those ten days, my mom passed on, and I have never stopped grieving since.
It’s more than simply grieving the loss of a loved one because it’s grieving your mom–the one person on earth who knows you better than you know yourself. It’s also grieving the pain of all the memories you will never make with her. Never would my mom see me drive a car, never would she see me graduate college, and never would I share the privilege of getting to know my mom better as I grew older. There’s much to grieve for in a season of heartache, but we can also be grateful for all of the time, all of the love, and all of the lessons our loved ones gave us.
Being grateful doesn’t mean that you aren’t in pain, just as someone who needs shelter from rain is wet and is in pain from the cold doesn’t mean the person isn’t grateful for an umbrella. In the same way, even though we are deep in grief that doesn’t mean we can’t be grateful. We can be grateful for all the memories and time we had with our loved ones. I once read somewhere, though I can’t remember where, that the greater our grief, the greater our love was for that person. Your grief is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it anything that will heal overnight.
If you are going through grief today, know that you can still be grateful. Remember all of the good times you had with your loved one, and remember all the lessons they shared with you. Grief will happen to all of us at one point, but we don’t have to allow it to swallow us whole. We can turn to God in our grief and find support in His love. Death was never in God’s plan for us; however, after the fall, death came into being because of sin. But because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, we can have eternal life and share this good news with our loved ones.
Choose to be grateful and try to remember all of the things you are grateful for because of your loved one.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
There is a natural fascination between Cancer (the crab) and Aquarius (the water bearer) from the moment they meet. They aspect one another in a quincunx, which means they’re 150 degrees away from the other on the astrological wheel.
The vibration of the quincunx aspect makes it difficult for this pair fully see the other, which creates great mystery, interest, and intrigue in the other. Their vibration lies somewhere in between a square and opposition, which leaves them in a limbo of tension that boils over into incredible attraction.
Quincunx pairs always do best if they are able to incorporate autonomy in their partnership because of their vastly different astrological compositions. Cancer is a cardinal, yin, water sign—while Aquarius is a fixed, yang, air sign—which makes combining their energy bizarre, yet stimulating.
Cancer’s planetary ruler is the moon, which governs emotion, while Aquarius’ two planetary rulers, Saturn and Uranus, rule structure and radicality. Astrologically speaking, these two have absolutely nothing in common. Yet, within their differences, a magical space is created that fosters their dynamism for one another.
In terms of compatibility (aka synastry), you have to take both people’s entire birth chart into account, not just their sun sign, to get the full picture. But with that said, here’s more on how Aquarius and Cancer fare in love and friendship, plus how they’re similar and different.
Jennifer Aniston revealed that her frequent co-star Adam Sandler does not approve of her romantic life.
The Friends star made an appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday to promote Murder Mystery 2, her new film with Sandler, and she revealed that the comedian can’t help but tease her over her taste in men. The two stars first met at Jerry’s Famous Deli on Ventura Boulevard when they were just 20 and 22 years old. And when asked if they’ve given each other advice over the years, she said, “If I get anything from him, it’s, ‘What are you doing?’ Usually based on someone I’m dating…[he says] ‘What are you doing? What’s wrong with you?’” After a brief interlude during which she and Fallon attempted to do their best Sandler impressions, the actor added that she “very much love[s] to take care of” the Billy Madison star when they work together. “He’s so concerned with taking care of everybody else, which he really does, and he doesn’t take care of himself. I’m sorry to call you out on national television, Adam, but you have to know this,” she explained. Aniston added that she keeps “a little arsenal of herbs in my trailer and I make him smoothies when I can and give him all sorts of Chinese herbs when he is exhausted. I’m like the mobile pharmacy. Yeah, I’m the set medic.”
The actor showed her support for Sandler in another way over the weekend, attending the Mark Twain Prize ceremony on Sunday night in Washington, D.C. where he was being honored for his achievements in comedy. She told Fallon of the experience, “It was more emotional than I expected because I hadn’t been to the Kennedy Center before. So that was my first time.” When the talk show host noted that Sandler even dressed up for the occasion, the actor joked, “He kind of looks like he’s just playing dress up. He kind of just seems very uncomfortable.” During the ceremony, Aniston and fellow longtime Sandler collaborator Drew Barrymore gave a little performance during which they shared all of the benevolent things the Big Daddy star has done for them over the years, which turned out to be exactly the same list of things. They joked that perhaps they don’t need Sandler after all. “We should do that movie that you and I have been talking about,” Aniston said, to which Barrymore replied, “You mean the one where we don’t need that goofy boyfriend?”
Sandler and Aniston’s latest project is the sequel to their 2019 Netflix original by the same name, catching up with their characters Nick and Audrey four years after the first film. According to the film’s synopsis, the duo are now “full-time detectives struggling to get their private-eye agency off the ground.” Aniston added during her interview with Fallon, “When you meet back up with us, we’re not doing that great. So we get invited to a wonderful wedding of someone wonderful, we say, ‘We need a break, we need a vacation.’ And that’s where our mistakes happen.”
In addition to having a plan and purpose for each of our lives, he is also wired each one of us with spiritual gifts. These spiritual gifts can be used both in a secular setting and in a church setting to strengthen both believers and nonbelievers. It is important to know how you and your mate are wired so that you can use those gifts in the best way possible. Scripture names different spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12. While these are not the only spiritual gifts God uses, this is a great place to start if you are not familiar with your gifts. Additionally, you can purchase spiritual gifts inventories online and in print. These are similar to exams schools administered years ago. These inventories consist of a set of multiple-choice questions. Fill in the bubble of the corresponding number with how you rate within that gift. For example, a question might be, “I hear from the Lord through visions and dreams and feel called to deliver that message to others.” This statement would correspond to the gift of prophecy. You must answer depending on how similar you relate to that statement. The answer could range from “most likely” to “never. “Then, add the numbers using the grid in the back. The gifts with the highest numbers are most closely aligned with how you are gifted. Although this is not an absolute authority on this subject, it will give you a good idea of what spiritual gifts you might have given your personality, passions, and tendencies.
If you’ve never taken a spiritual gift inventory before, this might be a very refreshing process for you. It is exciting to discover God’s unique pattern in your life. Understand that no one is completely gifted the way you are. No one can do what you do. You were placed on this earth for a reason, and spiritual gifts are a part of that. As you take the test, you will determine if missions or evangelism are a part of those spiritual gifts. If you feel called, yet missions did not come up as a spiritual gift, don’t fret. Pray together as a couple. Ask God to confirm this calling in your life in a way that would be evident to both of you.
The Bible speaks very highly of wisdom. King Solomon sought it above all other things. But what exactly is wisdom? For the longest time, I thought wisdom was obtained by years spent on this earth. However, I have learned that while the time one spends on earth can add to their wisdom, a person’s experiences are what truly shift the pendulum from “smart” to “wise.”
My grandmother, Bonnie Sue (a.k.a. Maw Maw), met the Lord on Sunday night in February 1961. Since then, she has had many experiences at the feet of Jesus. Her biblical knowledge expands far beyond many scholars, and her conviction in God’s truth is what gives me hope for our world.
I think everyone could use some of Maw Maw’s wisdom, both biblical and non-biblical. Therefore, I sat down with her to share her nuggets of truth with you, dear reader:
“What advice would you give women in their 20’s?”
Mawmaw quickly told me that women in their 20s needed to do three things. “Get all the education you can. Establish a foundation for a great future, and be independent.” While I was growing up, my Maw Maw always told me to fiercely pursue my education. She emphasized how learning a skill or obtaining a degree could ensure that a woman could succeed in a man’s world.
Secondly, women in their 20s should “Hold on to very high moral standards”. So often in today’s culture, women are encouraged to compromise their morality and modesty in order to succeed. Whether this success is climbing the corporate ladder, attracting the attention of men, or finding friends, Maw Maw wants to ensure that all women know that their worldly success and approval aren’t worth compromising morality.
Finally, Mawmaw wanted all 20-year-olds to “Enjoy life—you won’t ever be 20 again”.This beautiful and chaotic decade of your life is meant for you to make mistakes. You are not supposed to know what you are doing next. No matter how put-together another may look, no one has their life figured out before 30. So, enjoy being in a decade where you are allowed and expected to make mistakes, change your mind, and adventure. Enjoy and praise Jesus for your health and your youth. Your 20s are the most hectic and capable time of your life. Enjoy the season!
“What Advice Would You Give Women in Their 30’s?”
Let’s be real, your 30’s are the new 20’s. Now is the time to be the cute soccer mom, the independent CEO, the traveling junkie, or whatever else the Lord has led you to! I loved hearing Maw Maw talk about this stage of life. She themed this decade with stability and fierce womanhood. First, women in their 30’s, “Decide exactly what you want out of life and do it.” Yes, friend, it is that simple. Talk to the Lord, pick your path, and with Jesus’ hand in yours, run after it. If your 20’s were a mess, now you get to clean it up. Maybe life doesn’t look anything like what you wanted, so change it. You are still thinking about getting that degree? You still want to open that business? Honey, you aren’t getting any younger. Do. It.
Next, “Make plans for a family, if you desire a family”. Some women don’t seek motherhood; it is not a season that God has called them into. Some struggle with starting a family and are relying on their faith. Some are in the midst of four kids under the age of eight and are overwhelmed. Whomever you may be, Maw Maw and I want you to take a deep breath, say a long prayer, and make a plan. Plan how you will raise your children. Plan and pray for the household you want them to grow up in.
Last, “Start a financial security plan—an IRA or a CD.” Investing is not just for the rich. My grandparents set an exponential financial example. They did not idolize money, but they knew the value of a dollar. They used their financial blessings to invest in my and my sister’s future as well.
“What advice would you give women in their 40’s-50’s?”
I have often heard that women in their 40’s-50’s begin to experience a mid-life crisis, prompting me to ask my Maw Maw how she navigated this life phase with grace, joy, and purpose.
“Start preparing for an empty nest.” My grandparents had two children who both flew from the nest in their 20’s. Maw Maw missed her children being at home, and as any mother, suffered a stage of grief that comes with your children paving their own path and leaving home. Therefore, she says that preparing for that stage of life can better aid in coping. Learning to let go when it’s time can be hard, but it also can be a time to rekindle the romance with your spouse, pick up a new hobby, or travel!
Women in this stage might also want to begin “planning for retirement.” Now, Maw Maw doesn’t just mean planning financially. Retirement is your time for it to be about you again. Life is no longer about climbing the ladder or getting a corporate promotion. You no longer have to pack a diaper bag or worry about soccer practice on the weekends. You can allow yourself to enjoy the life God has blessed you with comprehensively in this season of well-earned rest.
“Enjoy life because it flies after 40.” I think this is a piece of advice everyone could take from Maw Maw. Enjoy the time God has given you because it’s truly a gift.
2 Corinthians 9:8 reminds us of this when it says, “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
“After 52 years of being married, how did you make it?”
In typical Maw Maw fashion, she opened with a “joke.” “Well, be deaf, dumb, and blind.” She might be on to something here… But in all honesty, Maw Maw said that “You care more about each other’s feelings than your own” and “when you don’t like them, go sit down and read your Bible. God will tell you why you will like them.”
Marriage can seem to be a production in modern-day America with all the finances, filmography, and theatrics surrounding the event. Marriage can even seem like a social obligation to keep up with your inner circle or Instagram fans. Perhaps it’s a checklist item to appease the family or get the elderly church ladies off your back. Yet, Maw Maw and Pepa’s marriage outlasted any financial struggle, film, or social pressure I’ve ever seen, proving to be the real thing.
Finally, I want to encourage you, reader, to go to the wise people God has placed in your life, just as I went to Maw Maw to ask for her wisdom on life, career choices, finances, and relationships. He has special people in your life for a reason. They have walked through valleys and mountains you have yet to experience, so listen to them, and take what they say to heart.
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.
Whether we like it or not, social media has come to stay. And more importantly, it has become an integral part of our daily lives, providing various benefits ranging from improved communication to entertainment and networking, and possibly much more in the future.
However, it is increasingly clear that social media also has negative consequences for people and their relationships, particularly in the context of Christian marriages.
Excessive social media use can lead to increased marital conflict and decreased marital satisfaction; some divorces are even caused by social media. There are numerous cases where social media has had a bad influence on marriages involving people from across the world. Nevertheless, it is essential to note that responsible and mindful use of social media can help mitigate these effects.
While it is essential to be aware of the potential negative impacts of social media on Christian marriages and families, it is equally important to recognize the benefits social media offers in contemporary times.
Importance of Social Media in Contemporary Times
Social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have changed how we communicate, obtain information, and connect with our surroundings.
One of the biggest advantages of social media is its capacity to connect people from all over the world. This is impressive as it breaks down geographical barriers and boosts communication and collaboration around the world.
Social media has also made it simpler for people to stay in touch with spouses, relatives, and friends who live or work far away, offering a sense of connection, community, and support that might otherwise be impossible.
Social media can provide opportunities for learning, growth, and spiritual development in your relationship.
Platforms like YouTube and podcasts offer a wealth of resources for Christian couples seeking to deepen their understanding of the Bible and grow in their faith. Christian bloggers and influencers offer insights and inspiration that can help married couples live out their faith in practical ways. It can also provide valuable resources for seeking knowledge and understanding regarding ways to improve their relationship.
Social media can be a powerful tool for sharing and spreading the gospel. Platforms like Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok offer opportunities for Christians to share their love stories online and give inspiration to others in new and creative ways. Also, by using hashtags and engaging with others, Christians can reach a wider audience and share the good news of Jesus Christ with people who might not otherwise have encountered it.
Jesus Himself spoke to the importance of spreading the gospel, with Matthew 28:19-20 stating, “Go ye therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost; teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you; and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”
With thoughtful and responsible use, social media can be a powerful tool for connection, growth, and positive change.
Positive Impacts of Social Media on Christian Marriages
It is necessary to recognize that social media, like any other tool, can have positive and negative implications for Christian marriages and families.
While certain potential dangers and pitfalls are associated with social media use, there are also many positive ways social media can benefit Christian relationships.
Couples who share their relationship online by posting pictures and status updates about their partner could develop higher relationship satisfaction. Social media, if used decently, could also positively impact families and relationships, possibly by facilitating communication and creating shared online experiences.
Since communication plays a vital role in keeping and boosting the longevity of a marriage, couples who use social media to stay connected and communicate during times of separation, such as during deployment or long-distance relationships, can stand a chance of achieving higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower levels of divorce.
I believe that social media can positively affect Christian marriages and families when used responsibly and with care.
By fostering connections and communication and providing opportunities for learning and growth, social media can help strengthen our relationships with our spouses, families, and God. Therefore, as we navigate the double-edged sword of social media, let us seek to use it for good and for the glory of God.
Negative Impacts of Social Media on Christian Marriages
While social media can offer many benefits, including increased connectivity and access to information that can help your marriage blossom, it can also present many challenges and temptations that undermine the health and stability of your relationships with your spouse and children.
Let’s explore some key ways social media can negatively impact Christian marriages and families, drawing on examples and teachings from the Bible.
Comparison and Envy
One of the most common negative impacts of social media on Christian marriages and families is the tendency to compare our lives and relationships to others online, leading to feelings of envy, inadequacy, and discontentment.
This is often exacerbated by the highly curated and idealized images that many people present on social media, which can create unrealistic expectations and standards for ourselves and others.
As the Apostle Paul warns in 2 Corinthians 10:12, “For we dare not make ourselves of the number or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves; but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” Instead, we are called to focus on the unique blessings and challenges of our lives and relationships and be content with what God has given us.
Addiction and Distraction
Social media can also be highly addictive and distracting, pulling us away from our responsibilities and relationships with our spouses and families. In many cases, social media use can become compulsive and interfere with our ability to be present and engaged in our daily lives and interactions with our loved ones.
Ephesians 5:15-16 says, “See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” We must be mindful of how we spend our time and prioritize our relationships with our spouses and families above social media.
Infidelity and Temptation
Social media can also present many opportunities for temptation and infidelity through direct messaging, communication with others, and exposure to sexually explicit or provocative content online.
This can erode trust, intimacy, and commitment in Christian marriages and lead to devastating consequences. But Jesus warns in Matthew 5:28, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
Therefore, as Christians, we must guard our hearts and minds against the temptations and distractions that social media can present and remain faithful and committed to our spouses.
Conflict and Misunderstanding
Social media can also contribute to conflict and misunderstanding in Christian marriages, especially when communication online is not clear, honest, and respectful. Misinterpretation, miscommunication, and even cyberbullying can undermine the trust, respect, and love essential to healthy relationships.
As Christians, we must be mindful of the potential negative impacts of social media on our marriages by remaining focused on our relationship with God and family.
We can navigate the challenges of social media and build strong, healthy, and loving marriages to the honor and glory of God.
I believe that social media is a double-edged sword because, while it has the potential to bring couples together and help them build a strong and healthy relationship, it can also lead to conflicts and even destroy the relationship when misused.
Like any other tool, social media can be used for good or evil. We should be mindful of how we use social media and consider how our online interactions can impact our relationships with others, including our spouses, families, and even God.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
