Tag: Dan Stevens

JERRY DANDRIDGE: Mr. Vincent. I’ve seen all of your films. And I found them…very amusing.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Kidnapped scamp turns out to be vamp.

Rating Using Random Object Relevant To The Film: 3.5 pissed off swans out of 5.

Tagline: “Children can be such monsters.”

Better Tagline: “Hold me closer, toothy dancer.”

Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: It sounded like a foolproof plan (or at least foolproof-adjacent): kidnap the 12-year old daughter of some rich dude, sit tight for 24 hours, and collect a cool $50 million. But it all begin to unravel when they discover dad is the mysterious (and vengeful) criminal Christof Lazar, they’re locked in the house with no way out, and young Abigail (Alisha Weir) is somewhat more of a handful than the average tween.

“Critical” Analysis: Abigail was originally going to be part of something bigger. First envisioned as a remake of Dracula’s Daughter, it was to be looped into Universal’s “Dark Universe,” the studio’s attempt at an epic series reviving the classic Universal Monsters that Tom Cruise’s The Mummy effectively put a stake in (heh) back in 2017.

Thank Set that never happened. It’s hard to imagine what a slog a shoehorned-into-franchise-continuity-like-so-many Ant-Man movies Abigail might have been, instead of the frenetic and hilariously sanguinary result delivered by the Scream and Scream VI creative team of directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, and writer Guy Busick.

Scream may be what helped put the Radio Silence team on the map, but the movie of theirs that is the real spiritual predecessor to Abigail is 2019’s Ready or Not. Both feature a hide and seek plot (only in Abigail’s case, there’s only one “seeker”), pitch black comedy, and a pit full of corpses.

In line to join those corpses are our kidnappers. Named after the Rat Pack so as not to reveal actual identities, they include Frank (Dan Stevens), the leader; Joey (Melissa Barrera), the One With Something To Fight For; Sammy (Kathryn Newton), the rich girl; dimwitted muscle-for-hire Peter (Kevin Durand); taciturn sniper Rickles (William Catlett); and goofy wheelman Dean (the late Angus Cloud).

The crew has been put together by the enigmatic Lambert (Giancarlo Esposito, who’s in this for maybe 10 minutes) for reasons known only to him. He reminds them that anonymity is key to any decent caper, but in a sequence that would make Mr. Pink turn over in his grave, Joey susses out everyone’s real backgrounds.

Barrera and Stevens take the lead with — happily — not one iota of romantic tension. Stevens is an effortless prick, and his Frank ranges between minimal competence and profanity-laced disbelief at their circumstances. While Barrera is somehow the moral core, in spite of her own sketchy background.

Abigail works best when it tweaks the formulaic for maximum entertainment. Ready or Not isn’t the only “inspiration” here, as Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett mine everything from Dusk Till Dawn to The Usual Suspects. The twists aren’t really that twisty and the premise is reminiscent of any number of stories of criminals blindly getting in over their heads.

However, my biggest beef is probably the kidnappers using the code name “Tiny Dancer” for Abigail, which effectively wiped out (almost) all my carefully thought our Elton John-related puns.

In a perfect world, you’d know nothing about Abigail going in. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett obviously intended for (or hoped) the reveal of the title character’s carnivorous alter ego to be a shock, something impossible in this post-Movie Poop Shoot world of trailer reactions and plot reveals. It does dilute the product somewhat, but not so much to minimize the humor or gallons of ichor.

Seriously, it’s like if Gallagher smashed blood bags on stage instead of watermelons. And was actually funny.

Abigail is in theaters today.