ReportWire

Tag: couples therapy

  • We’re on the Brink

    We’re on the Brink

    [ad_1]

    I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Tallahassee, FL. My first couples therapy session still stands out to me. I welcomed the couple into the therapy office in downtown Chicago. At the time, I had recently started a master’s program through Northwestern University’s Family Institute. As trained, I greeted the couple with a warm welcome, invited them to sit on a loveseat and focused on building the therapeutic alliance. Five minutes into the session, after inquiring about what brought the couple to therapy, partner A accused partner B of cheating and exclaimed that she wanted a divorce, leaving the therapy room. I was left sitting with partner B, who wept on the couch across from me. My couples session turned individual within five minutes of the initial greeting. I was disheartened by how little I could do to change the situation, and I realized that becoming a well-trained couples therapist would take work. Lots of work!

    Fast forward 15 years, I’ve developed more knowledge, new skills, and a greater tolerance for discomfort. But I still struggle with some of the same patterns that I observed in my early days of training. Though couples don’t often break up in their first session with me, they wait too long to initiate therapy! Many are on the brink of divorce by the time they book an appointment. The Gottman Institute found that couples wait six years from the time they start experiencing distress before reaching out for couples therapy. This means that couples are often deeply unhappy in their relationships by the time they make it to couples therapy. 

    6 actions you can take

    If you are feeling disconnected from your partner, fighting about the same issues, or questioning your relationship, I want to extend hope and provide you with some practical tips. I’ve been able to witness couples go from feeling disconnected to a more satisfying relationship. But it takes time, energy and commitment. Below I outline six efforts that you can start today:

    1. Make small, daily changes.

    Often, divorce is not initiated because of one incident (though affairs can be a “nail in the coffin” for some relationships, like the couple I mentioned earlier). Rather, couples often lament that it’s “death by 1,000 paper cuts.” It’s true that small actions can lead to disconnection over time. Small, positive actions, however, can also help you reconnect with your partner! One way is to initiate bids for connection, which are an attempt for attention or affection, and respond to your partner’s bids. 

    1. Prioritize the relationship!

    If you want to demonstrate that you are committed to the relationship, carve out time for your partner. Share gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s efforts and positive characteristics, go on a date, and schedule a regular state of the union meeting. The Gottmans have a recommendation for how happy couples spend their time and suggest a 6-hour a week formula.

    1. Acknowledge the stage of the relationship and be open to change.

    Your connection to your spouse may have been different when you were dating. What once worked at another phase in your relationship may not be working now. Be open-minded. Listen to understand when communicating with your partner. And be willing to make changes; don’t just identify what you want your partner to change. 

    1. Learn new ways of communicating. 

    Avoid the four horsemen. Learn to validate. Learn to use “I” statements. Learn to get comfortable with discomfort. Don’t be afraid to initiate difficult conversations. And avoid the four horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling. 

    1. Get in touch with your needs and your partner’s needs.  

    Your partner can’t read your mind, no matter how long you have been together. You have to identify and clearly communicate your needs in the relationship. It’s best to use “I” statements when initiating these conversations. 

    1. Couples Therapy

    Seek help from a licensed therapist who has training in working with couples. Couples therapy can be a great resource to improve the health of your relationship. Having an unbiased, third party can help you navigate conflict and learn new skills. And go the first time your partner suggests it! If I could change one thing about couples therapy, it would be that our society would drop the stigma and assumption that people who go to couples therapy are headed for divorce. Dropping this assumption would remove a barrier for couples and help couples use therapy for preventative purposes. 

     

    [ad_2]

    Dr. Jenna Scott

    Source link

  • How I Integrate Gottman Method Therapy and Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy in My Work With Couples

    How I Integrate Gottman Method Therapy and Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy in My Work With Couples

    [ad_1]

    In the 1970’s and 1980’s, two pioneers in marital research were quietly gathering data on how to create happy lasting relationships. Dr. John Gottman’s and Dr. Susan Johnson’s research was initially known mostly among academic circles because therapists  were still afraid of doing couples therapy. Gottman’s and Johnson’s research brought an unprecedented empirical foundation to what was often considered chaotic, unpredictable, and thankless couples therapy work. Today, Gottman and Johnson have reached world renown and are considered two of the most influential figures in couples therapy, not just for academics but therapists as well as the general public. 

    Difference in therapy approaches

    The philosophical and technical differences between their approaches to relationship research and therapy have generated separate and passionate followers. Both researchers have developed unique models of successful adult love relationships, but from different points of view and different sets of data. Gottman gave us a science of healthy relationships from systematic longitudinal and observational research on couples not in therapy. He focused on both couples in distress (the Disasters of Relationships) as well as couples in lasting, satisfying relationships (the Masters of Relationships).

    Susan Johnson, on the other hand, built her foundation of loving relationships on the theoretical framework of John Bowlby as well as thousands of hours of decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions. So Johnson’s model is an empirical model of couples therapy. Unfortunately the field of couples therapy is split into many different approaches, each vying for the highest status as the only model that works or the one model shown to have the best efficacy.  At the ground level where therapists are working with couples is distress, I argue that using just one model is limiting and potentially not helping couples.  Couples in distress want a therapist who understands their dilemmas and patterns accurately, has a roadmap to recovery, and is skilled at implementing the techniques.  

    I propose that therapists working with couples should thoughtfully consider which model is best suited for which couples and when to bring in techniques from one approach or another to help a couple make progress on their stuck issues.  In this article, I describe my approach to integrating the Gottman method with Sue Johnson’s EFT.

    Gottman Method

    The Gottman method is the brainchild of both of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, John’s wife and co-creator of the Gottman Method.  The Gottmans bring a relationship skill building and existential lens while Sue Johnson is firmly grounded in Adult Attachment Theory. There are also differences in their view of couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans warn against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encourage them to coach couples to manage their own physiology, conflict, or intimacy system. Johnson, on the other hand, uses the therapist as a “secure base” and encourages them to build a secure container in which the anxiously or avoidantly attached partner can take the risk of expressing vulnerable feelings and needs.

    There may be other differences, but the exciting frontier is not in their uniqueness or differences but their growing confluence of concepts and ideas and the desire of therapists to integrate both approaches in a seamless couples therapy that can benefit both clinicians and couples.

    Here is some of the common ground I see in Gottman and Johnson that allows me to flexibly shift from a relationship-building to an attachment-oriented therapist as the couple’s emotional system requires.

    Alternating between and combining the methods

    When a couple enters therapy with me, I begin with the Gottman Method. The Sound Relationship House is a simple, practical, and aspirational model that every couple can understand and adopt with little resistance. Who doesn’t want a relationship that has a wonderful friendship base, tackles gridlocked and perpetual conflict with ease and humor, and a shared meaning system that inspires the best in oneself?

    The structured process of the Gottman assessment is reassuring, straightforward, and transparent. Couples appreciate being able to tell the story of their relationship, being heard separately and together, and being able to fill out the surveys and conduct a private review of their relationship strengths and growth edges. The contracting process inspires hope as each strength is highlighted and celebrated and growth edges are reassuringly connected with specific skills they will learn within a reasonable period of time. Couples feel a sense of promise and relief as they walk away with their Sound Relationship House magnets and a map of the journey they are going to embark on with my guidance.

    And then the real work begins!

    Both Gottman and Johnson recognize the necessity of an emotional focus and the powerful influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in adult intimate relationships. I might be helping the couple replace their four horsemen with the appropriate antidotes, but a part of me is also tracking their negative emotional cycle. Often time the absorbing nature of negative emotions (Gottman) and the unresolved hurts and wounds (Johnson) lead to predictable negative cycles and prevent the couple from having honest and vulnerable conversations.

    I might offer one partner the practical information about criticism and contempt as they struggle to understand how to express their frustration. Simultaneously I hear, validate, and explore the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner who is struggling with their internal reactions rooted in early childhood patterns that create both interpretations as well as action tendencies when confronted with conflict.  I have the relationship science and simple language of Gottman in my right hand and a more emotion-focused dynamic and process-oriented toolkit from Johnson in my left hand, and I weave both into the therapeutic process.

    Integrating approaches

    Similarly, I help couples process an argument with the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident exercise and help them learn how to make their conflict discussions just a little bit better than the last time. At the same time, I look for the anatomy of the fight. Why was this particular argument more painful for the wife? Does her attachment history shed some light on her ability to let go of her anger? As they process the clearly laid out exercise and take the steps one at a time, the structure keeps the conversation safe and manageable. I use my skills as an attachment-oriented observer to help the withdrawn spouse re-engage, or I help the partner who is casting blame to soften their internal dialogue and reach out with tenderness.

    Sometimes the integration of Gottman and Johnson is more obvious as when I am working with bids and turning towards and helping a couple process failed bids. I know from both the Gottmans and Johnson that not all hurts are the same and that some emotional injuries can be traumatic when they trigger deeply held beliefs about the self, the other, and about intimate relationships.

    Gottman gives me the Sound Relationship House theory to help couples see the connection between the emotional bank account and how the friendship base downregulates negativity, increases positivity, intimacy, romance, and connection. Johnson gives me the tools to repair a depleted emotional bank account, to take couples gently through the process of first acknowledging and then healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond that once existed.

    Final thoughts

    I do have to confess that the Gottman Method is my first love. The Gottmans paint the relationship landscape for me in a way that fits smoothly with the way I work. Johnson’s methods draw me into the turbulent waters of primary emotions that require more effort from me in order to stay afloat. I find that both are necessary. My hope is that the field of couples therapy embraces the technical flexibility afforded by integrative approaches as a new generation of couples bring us unique and challenging sources of pain that need to be addressed and resolved.  

    [ad_2]

    Vagdevi Meunier

    Source link

  • Social Bonding Through Movies: The Emotional Magic Behind Watching Films Together

    Social Bonding Through Movies: The Emotional Magic Behind Watching Films Together

    [ad_1]

    Movies can be an excellent social bonding experience in a variety of situations, including first dates, family movie nights, group watches, couples therapy, and professional settings. Learn more about the emotional dynamics behind watching films together.

    Beyond being a source of entertainment, films have the power to foster social bonds and create shared experiences among individuals.

    Whether it’s getting together at a friend’s house on a weekend night, embarking on a first date at the theaters, or upholding a family tradition of watching the same movie during holidays, watching movies together is one of the most common ways we connect with others.

    But what’s the psychology behind these cinematic connections? Let’s dive into the many social benefits behind movie watching and how they can improve our relationships in a number of different social settings.

    Shared Experiences

    Every time you press “Play” on a new movie, you are starting a collective journey with whoever you are watching with. No one knows what will happen, so you are both entering the unknown together and experiencing it for the first time.

    Every film is a rollercoaster of different emotions – joy, laughter, surprise, fear, suspense, disgust, sadness, anger – and everyone is experiencing those emotions together as a “hive mind.” Research shows emotions are contagious, and when multiple people are experiencing the same emotion in unison, feelings are often amplified more than if you were just experiencing it by yourself.

    Movies create new shared experiences that mark new chapters throughout our relationship. “Remember that one time we saw Wolf on Wall Street? That was fun!” A memorable movie can become a distinct event in our relationship’s storyline, especially if it symbolizes a special day like a first date, birthday, or anniversary, giving us a positive memory to look back on and reminisce about.

    Watching movies together doesn’t require much work, it effortlessly creates a sense of unity among the people watching. Even if everyone hates the movie, it still creates a shared bond, “Wow, that movie was really stupid!” and then you can all laugh about it.

    Icebreaker and Conversation Starter

    Watching films together serves as an excellent icebreaker, especially in situations where individuals may be meeting for the first time or trying to strengthen new connections.

    The movie theater, often considered a classic venue for a first date, provides a natural conversation starter. After the credits roll, initiating a conversation becomes as easy as asking, “Did you like the movie? Why or why not?” Ask about favorite scenes or whether they’ve seen other movies featuring the same actor or actress.

    Use the film as a springboard into other topics to talk about. If you’re skilled at conversation threading, you should be able to take one thing from the film and branch off into more important subjects. If it’s a film about music, inquire about their musical preferences or whether they play an instrument. For sports-themed movies, explore their favorite sports or childhood sports experiences.

    Icebreakers aren’t exclusive to first dates; they’re equally helpful in building connections in various scenarios, whether it’s getting to know a coworker outside the office or deepening a friendship.

    One fair criticism of movies as a bonding experience is that you don’t get to do much talking during them. It’s a passive experience, not an active one. But there are also benefits to this: it’s a shared experience with little effort (no pressure, just sit and watch), and it gives you a convenient starting point for more meaningful conversation later on.

    Nostalgia and Tradition

    For many, watching films together is not just an occasional activity but a cherished tradition that spans multiple generations.

    Family movie nights play a pivotal role in strengthening the bonds between parents and children. Holiday film marathons, especially during festive seasons, elevate our collective spirit and enhance the joyous atmosphere. Revisiting favorite childhood movies creates a profound sense of nostalgia, keeping us connected to our past.

    One popular family tradition may be during Christmas, such as having A Christmas Story playing in the background as you decorate the tree or watching It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas eve.

    These traditions are about more than just the movie; they’re about creating a whole family experience. Infuse your own unique twist by turning it into a game, baking homemade cookies before watching, or simply enjoying jokes and good company. The film itself is just one aspect of a complete family ritual and bonding experience.

    When families embrace these shared traditions, they contribute to a profound sense of belonging and unity. These rituals become the threads weaving together the fabric of family ties and friendships over long periods of time.

    Team Building and Group Bonding

    Beyond personal connections, watching films together can be an effective team-building activity in professional settings.

    Organizational unity can be difficult to achieve for many companies, especially when workers have radically different jobs and skillsets, often being assigned to work within one department of a company but being siloed off from the organization as a whole.

    Movie nights and film screenings can be an effective way to provide employees with a stronger sense of unity and camaraderie. Different departments that normally don’t see each other get to cross-pollinate and make connections with faces they don’t often get to see. Scheduled events like this can foster a team of teams mindset, helping to interconnect different departments into a cohesive whole.

    Perhaps certain movies depict an idea, philosophy, or mindset that an organization wants to embrace more of. Requiring every employee to watch a movie together is more than just making friends at work, it can also tap into a deeper meaning behind the organization’s mission and purpose.

    Couples Therapy

    Movies can serve as bouncing points to important conversations that need to be had between spouses and loved ones.

    It’s not always easy to bring up certain topics of conversation, but through film you can organically dive into subjects that otherwise wouldn’t get brought up in everyday discourse, like mental health, sex and intimacy, or experiencing grief after a tragedy or loss.

    It’s common for a couples therapist to recommend a specific movie to their clients. You may already know of a movie that you’d like to share with someone. You can also ask friends or seek recommendations online. Ask yourself, “What’s something I really want to talk about with my partner?” then “What’s a good movie that can introduce this topic?”

    A powerful film can help couples process their relationship more clearly. It shows the universality of humanity – you’re not alone with whatever you are going through – and brings ideas out in the open that need to be expressed or talked about.

    One exercise you can try together is to each take notes or fill out a movie analysis worksheet while watching.

    Communal Bonding and Bridging Social Divides

    On a larger scale, film watching can help bridge cultural and social divides, as well as be used as a tool for communal bonding.

    Social events such as public screenings, outdoor showings, movie festivals, or drive-thru theaters are great settings to watch a movie among a large and diverse group of people within your community.

    These days with easy access to streaming services at home, most people watch movies all by themselves, but there used to be a time when movie-watching was an intrinsically social activity done in public spaces.

    As we continue to see a decline in community feeling, movies may be one avenue to start bringing people together again as a cohesive group.

    One idea is for local organizations to throw more public events with film features to celebrate holidays or special events – or you can set up a projector on your garage door and invite some neighbors for a weekend movie watch.

    Conclusion

    Watching films together is more than just a passive form of entertainment; it is a dynamic social activity that brings people together, creating lasting bonds and shared memories.

    Films are universal connectors. Whether it’s with family, friends, or colleagues, the act of watching a movie together creates an automatic bond and sense of unity.

    Are you a big movie watcher? In what situations can use film watching to improve your relationships with family, friends, loved ones, or coworkers?


    Enter your email to stay updated on new articles in self improvement:

    [ad_2]

    Steven Handel

    Source link

  • Challenging Behaviors in Couples Therapy

    Challenging Behaviors in Couples Therapy

    [ad_1]

    One of the challenging behaviors we are seeing in couples therapy is gaslighting. While it has become a cliche term, this set of behaviors is becoming more common in couples therapy. 

    What is Gaslighting?

    The American Psychological Association definition of gaslighting is to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.

    According to Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, CGT the gaslighter implies that you misunderstood what they said versus taking responsibility or showing any remorse for their bad behavior. There is an implication that their partner is overreacting. McNeil sees these types of gaslighting behaviors in her San Diego practice:

    • Negative body language and minimizing statements about the other person’s perspective or feelings 
    • Unwillingness to accept any part of the responsibility for a misunderstanding or conflict 
    • Intentional implication that the other person has fabricated a situation in order to create doubt or challenge the other person’s reality 
    • Cutting off the other person, not allowing them to make points or ask questions during a disagreement
    • No acknowledgment of partner’s hurt feelings when expressed, lack of empathy

    The partner of the gaslighter may experience self doubt and internalize that they didn’t work hard enough in the relationship. As a result they might feel guilty bringing up issues in the relationship.

    How does it show up in therapy?

    Here are some examples of what you might hear in session:

    • “You’re making things up.” 
    • “That never happened.“
    • “You’re being dramatic.“
    • “You’re blowing things out of proportion.“
    • “I am sorry you feel that way.”

    McNeil says that the gaslighter often times exhibits these behaviors because they:

    • Have low self-esteem and don’t know how to deal with it.
    • Have low capacity to sit with their own emotions.
    • Want to “fix” their partner’s feelings and don’t know how, so they minimize to avoid feeling like a failure.
    • Feel out of control in the relationship and wants to gain power in maladaptive ways.
    • Have difficulty in accepting influence from their partner due to discomfort with vulnerability.

    How to decrease gaslighting behaviors

    Usually by the time the couple seeks out therapy, one partner is seriously questioning their ability to be a good partner. It is important to validate the experience of the partner who has been manipulated and help them understand the pattern of behaviors. Work with them towards understanding what is in their control versus taking responsibility for all of the relationship problems.

    It is important as the therapist that you assume the best and maintain a positive perspective of the partner who is gaslighting. You will need to help them gain perspective about their behavior and how it is impacting the relationship. The behaviors are keeping them from getting their needs met which might be counterintuitive to them at first.

    Gottman Interventions to use in session:

    • Introduce the idea of a subjective reality and coach each partner to describe theirs (remind them that this isn’t about agreeing with their partner’s perspective).
    • Teach them to validate their partner’s experience and feelings.
    • Redirect partners to use “I” statements.
    • Use the antidotes for defensiveness and criticism (softened start up and taking responsibility, respectively).
    • Do some psychoeducation on softened start up where you ask partners to name their emotion and ask for their needs even if the other partner is unable to do it.
    • Practice the Aftermath of a Fight/Regrettable Incident.

    Gaslighting is a challenging behavior for a couples therapist to deal with. However, with the right tools and structure these dynamics can be changed for the better.

    [ad_2]

    Kendra Han

    Source link

  • Is Your Relationship in Red Alert? | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Is Your Relationship in Red Alert? | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    [ad_1]

    The most dangerous relationship threats aren’t always the most visible; like a pattern of high conflict, lack of kindness or disrespect.  Those are clearly problematic signs that need attention but the behaviors that are sometimes the least detectable can create a significant vulnerability in the relationship where emotional safety levels have taken a serious hit.

    A relationship is in red alert if one or both are in emotional distress over a long period of time and are not communicating about it.  I’ve seen this repeatedly in my couples therapy practice and anecdotally in life.  They are often not talking about it because one or both of them are conflict avoidant or have learned that it’s not safe to talk about their feelings.  Maybe this was learned many years ago in their family of origin or during the course of the relationship itself. They might have tried to express their feelings to their partner repeatedly and felt their attempts were ignored.

    So they stop trying.

    For some people, minimizing their experience and sweeping uncomfortable feelings under the rug has been a coping mechanism.  For them, this pattern shows up in other places as well like friendships and in the work environment.  If you peel back the layers, you will often find this pattern was developed a long time ago in a family system where they learned that expressing emotion or sharing uncomfortable feelings would not be responded to well, or perhaps not at all.

    The biggest problem with one or both in the relationship having shut down emotionally in this way is that the more time that passes, the more risk there is to the relationship.  The challenge is that sometimes a couple like this presents to the outside world as well functioning and happy.  When alone, they may even pretend that all is ok.  But the distress are there, fraying the relationship from the inside out.

    This can look like:

    • moodiness
    • impatience
    • lack of physical intimacy of any kind
    • seeking out more outside activities outside of the relationship
    • little or no signs of intimate connection (hugs, cuddling, sex, playfulness, etc)
    • depression

    A relationship in this state is in red alert because of the risk of one or both of them reaching hopelessness.  If this happens, one or both essentially have internally given up on the relationship being able to provide what they need.  But they are no longer talking to their partner aloud about their needs but are experiencing the emotional impact.

    The PsychCentral article, What It Is and Why It’s Important, describes the critical importance of “emotional safety” well:

    When you don’t feel emotionally safe, you feel emotionally threatened, which causes the same bodily reactions as feeling physically threatened. You “freeze.” You hold your breath and tense your body. Alternatively, you may go into attack mode. Or you may shut down. Brain studies have shown that social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as getting physically injured. To your brain, physical and emotional pain are practically the same thing. And if you can’t get back fairly quickly to feeling safe and accepted, you’re essentially living in a state similar to constant physical threat.

    This is where things get really dangerous in that loneliness can lead to seeking needs being met outside of the relationship.  Affairs are often triggered by this intense unspoken need and longing.  Or in some cases they may slip into a state of ambivalent acceptance of their fate for the time being, especially in the case of there being children being raised.

    In my therapy practice, I’ve seen couples where one has literally already silently grieved the end of a relationship months before they end up in couples therapy with me.  And the other person feels blindsided when they hear that the other is essentially done.  If only they had been able to communicate more effectively and responded better to each other’s distress, perhaps this could have been avoided.  They can start to try at that time but getting to the point of hopelessness is tricky to contend with.  Ideally a couples seeks help before one of them has landed there.

    If you’re in a relationship that’s in “red alert,” having awareness of this is the first step towards course correcting.  All it takes is one of you to hold your hand up and say, “I think we’re in trouble.  Let’s see if we can do something about this.”  With therapy you can learn to show up for each other in a more open and supportive way.  If it’s legitimately too late to salvage the relationship, at least you can both know that you tried.

    It’s also important to remember that most of us function in relationships in a way we’re not even aware of.  We all have imprints, models and learning experiences about what relationships are supposed to be that informs us.  Prior wounds from earlier relationships can be healed through later relationships.  All it takes is a spark of insight, a “aha” moment to realize that there are ways you can show up for each other in a healthier and more loving way.

    When I work with couples in a state of severe disconnection like this, I’m always searching for an ember of hope.  Can this ember be tended to and become a small flame?  This is ultimately up to the couple as it can be scary to try.  But potentially incredibly rewarding.

    —

    Learn about my California Online Therapy practice or if outside of the state, I can offer can an email relationship consulatation.

    [ad_2]

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • 8 Phrases Couples Therapists Never (Or Rarely) Say To Their Partners

    8 Phrases Couples Therapists Never (Or Rarely) Say To Their Partners

    [ad_1]

    Therapists have seen and heard it all: the good, the bad and the ugly of relationships. Through their years of professional experience, they’re able to pinpoint the language that brings couples together and the language that pushes them apart.

    We asked couples therapists which phrases they personally never or rarely (hey, even the pros aren’t perfect!) use in their own relationships. Here’s what they told us:

    1. ‘You always … ’ or ‘You never … ’

    Several of our experts said they steer clear of hyperbolic blanket statements that begin “you always” or “you never.”

    “While it’s true that I’ll never smoke a cigar and I always fasten my seat belt, when it comes to interpersonal behaviors — listening, arguing, being defensive, being kind, taking things personally — ‘always’ and ‘never’ tend to make us shut down,” Winifred M. Reilly — a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California and author of “It Takes One to Tango” — told HuffPost.

    “You’re pretty much guaranteed to be told, ‘That’s not true. There was that one time … ’” she said. “Then you’re in more of a debate than a conversation.”

    To get your point across in a gentler and more impactful way, try subbing in the word “sometimes” in place of “always” or “never.”

    “As in, ‘sometimes, you don’t listen to me in a way that shows that you’re interested,’” Reilly said. “The goal is, after all, to talk about how to have a better life together, not just point out each other’s faults.”

    2. ‘You make me feel X.’

    Carol Yepes via Getty Images

    Making some changes to the way you speak to your partner can do wonders for the relationship.

    No matter what emotion you insert here — sad, angry or guilty, just to name a few — this kind of language is something that sex therapist Jesse Kahn tries to avoid.

    “You can say, ‘I feel guilty when’ or ‘I feel ashamed when,’ but no one else is making you feel anything, and it’s unfair to put that on anyone,” Kahn, director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, told HuffPost.

    Plus, he said, it can be “healing and empowering” to take responsibility for your own emotional responses.

    Similarly, Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan said she avoids using blame-y “you” statements (e.g. “You’re so inconsiderate”) in her relationship. She’s found that they make the other person defensive, which stymies any productive conversation.

    “I express how I feel and what my experience was of the situation,” she told HuffPost.

    3. ‘Well, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.’

    When we’re feeling overwhelmed with hurt or anger toward our partner, it’s easy to lash out and say things we don’t mean. In more extreme cases, you might even threaten to break things off with this person — a move Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace strongly discourages.

    “Unless you are truly contemplating ending the relationship, this tactic should never be used,” Makepeace told HuffPost. “These types of threats erode your partner’s sense of safety and build resentment.”

    And if you make these kinds of declarations again and again, your partner will become desensitized to them, Makepeace said. This can affect your communication and connection moving forward.

    4. ‘You should do this.’

    Sean Davis, a marriage and family therapist in Roseville, California, told HuffPost he “rarely, if ever, makes absolute statements” about his wife’s choices. Other variations might include: “You shouldn’t do that” or “That’s a bad idea.”

    “Statements like this imply that I know what is best for her and therefore have the right to dictate her behavior. It is disempowering and undermines her autonomy,” said Davis, founder of The Davis Group Counseling and Wellness Services. “It also sets the discussion up for a fight if she disagrees, as her only possible response is to say I’m wrong.”

    “’Always’ and ‘never’ tend to make us shut down.”

    – Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist

    Instead, he first checks in with his wife to see if she wants his opinion on the matter or just wants him to listen.

    “If she wants my opinion, I will preface it with a qualifier such as, ‘I think … ,’ ‘It seems to me like … ’ or ‘If I were in your shoes … .’” Davis said. “Proposing my thoughts as tentative allows me to state my opinion while reassuring her that she can disagree without the disagreement threatening our relationship.”

    5. ‘If you loved me, you would …’

    When you use this setup with a partner, you’re behaving in a manipulative way — whether you mean to or not. For that reason, Kahn is not a fan of these kinds of statements.

    “You are essentially weaponizing your love, relationship and connection,” he said. “You may not be intentionally trying to manipulate someone, but it will have that impact and outcome.”

    Instead, he recommends “getting curious about why the person doesn’t want to do the thing you want.” Then consider whether it’s reasonable for them to decline and use it as an opportunity to practice taking “no” for an answer.

    On a similar note, Aramyan said she avoids language like, “If you don’t do this, then … ” with her husband.

    “I don’t threaten or put ultimatums in my relationship,” she said. “I think that ultimatums are very serious, and unless you mean what you say, there is no point in saying it.”

    6. ‘No one will ever love you as much as I do.’

    At first glance, this may sound kind of romantic to some. But dig a little deeper and you’ll see this statement has toxic undertones. Makepeace called it “a clear attempt to destabilize and create fear in your partner.”

    “The implicit message is, ‘Don’t ever leave me or mess up because you will never find better or be loved more,’” she explained. “At its core, this is simply not true. If you can see how wonderful your partner is, then why wouldn’t someone else?”

    “You may not be intentionally trying to manipulate someone, but it will have that impact and outcome.”

    – Jesse Kahn, sex therapist

    Plus, if your partner is only sticking around out of fear, “you will never feel the safety you are seeking to achieve with this comment,” Makepeace said. “True feelings of trust and safety are only built through secure and honest connection.”

    7. ‘You need to calm down.’

    Davis said he tries to avoid telling his wife how to feel about a given situation. That means not saying things like, “Just stop worrying about that” or “You’re being too dramatic.”

    “Any of those things just lead to a fight,” he said. “Instead, I just try to listen, validate and let the emotions run their course, trying to remember that I’ll probably need the same from her soon enough.”

    8. ‘My ex never would have done that.’

    It’s natural to compare your current partner to a former one in a moment of frustration or disappointment, Makepeace said. But verbalizing this to your partner can be damaging. And keep in mind: When you’re emotional, you may not have the clarity to see you’re romanticizing your ex.

    “It is important to remember that there is a clear reason, or set of reasons, you are no longer in this past relationship,” Makepeace said.

    “More importantly, there are hopefully a myriad of reasons you are with your current partner. The act of comparison between your current partner and past partner can be especially hurtful, as it can feel like a negation of the good, care and safety in your current relationship.”

    [ad_2]

    Source link