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  • What I’ve Learned in My First Year of Marriage

    What I’ve Learned in My First Year of Marriage

    July 3rd, 2024, marks my husband Ben’s and my first year of marriage. Most people look forward to celebrating fireworks on the 4th, but the fireworks in our hearts began just a day earlier.

    Ben and I dated for just over five years before we got married. In some ways, marriage has been exactly what I thought it would be. My husband is still the same person I married. Things that annoyed me while dating him still annoy me now. But I love the things I loved about him while we were dating even more now. I’m sure he could say the same about me.

    In other veins, marriage has not been what I expected or anticipated. Most days, I find myself thinking, “How in the world do Mom and Grandma manage everything they do?” More often than not, I end my days pondering, “How will I ever get it all done with so much to do?”

    While marriage has been a blend of what I’ve thought it would and wouldn’t be, I can say with certainty that it’s worth it. Every ounce of pain, tears, and conflict we’ve faced has been countered by immeasurable joy, love, and resolution. As our former pastor quoted in his charge to us the day we got married: “Marriage is a gift of God, given to comfort the sorrows of life and magnify the joys. Marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of hearts, the union of two lives as one. Your marriage must stand on more than a piece of paper. It must stand in the strength of your love and by the power of your faith in one another and in God.”

    At the end of the charge, our pastor encouraged us to embrace three covenants of marriage: faith, hope, and love. Just as Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, the same charge should be applied to us today, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (v. 13, NIV).

    As I reminisce over the the last year, and the lessons I’ve learned as a new wife, there are three things I’d like to share with you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or looking to grow in your faith, I hope these truths can serve as a source of encouragement and strength:

    1. The Importance of Communication

    Before Ben and I got married, numerous people told us to prioritize communication with our spouse to be, and with our Creator. The same is still true and applicable today. Marriage doesn’t change our need for interaction with others. In fact, some might say it exasperates it. 

    Communication is an important factor in any relationship. This is why knowing how to talk to God and your spouse or significant other is so valuable. How we communicate also matters.

    James 1:19 is a life verse we should all take heed of and apply to our lives in the way we interact with and speak to others: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). 
    While this Scripture is much easier said than done, it’s a good goal to keep in mind. Christ reminds us to pursue excellence in all we do, and that extends into our speaking, listening, and talking skills (Philippians 4:8; Matthew 5:48). Surely, being patient, hearing to understand, and thinking before we respond are all habits we can pursue both inside the confines of marriage and out.
    Proverbs 18:21 summarizes our key point best in these words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (ESV).

    Communication must be open, vulnerable, honest, and kind, but above all, it must be Christ-like. The reason communication is so detrimental to any relationship is because of the immense power and value the words we say and use hold. 

    One of the biggest things I’ve learned this last year is the power of those words. My husband can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I get the assumption yours can’t follow suit either. Even couples who know one another best and have been together for decades will never get it all right. We’re not mind readers! But I believe God intentionally created us this way for a reason.

    In May, I was going through a stressful time. I’d just resigned from teaching, had surgery, and attended my first writing conference. One evening in particular, I told my husband I was struggling to communicate with God and didn’t have the mental energy to pray or read my Bible. He told me that God still desired to hear from me that day. Then he asked me how I’d feel if he went an entire day without talking to me. Though I got offended at first and just wanted him to validate the exhaustion I was feeling, he had a point.

    Even though God is God and already knows everything about me, He still wants me to talk to Him. He also still wants to hear from you! Jesus Christ is the greatest mind reader of all time, and still, communication is vital to my relationship with Him. Why would we expect our relationships with other humans to be any different?

    2. The Value of Playfulness

    About six months into marriage, I quickly realized our communication was improving, but our playfulness was dying. It wasn’t until we were in the middle of a Kroger run—the third time that month we were supposed to be on a date—that we discovered we were sacrificing date time for chores. Maybe you can relate?

    Life is busy. Adulting is busy. Marriage is busy. No one ever said squashing two lives into one was easy or less busy. But learning to value and prioritize playfulness needs to fit into your busy schedule if you intend for your relationship to succeed and thrive!

    In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are discussed. One thing you may have never noticed, however, is that marriage is to be a source of life and joy—not life and joy to replace that which Christ gives, but to join with it in harmony.

    Not only is playfulness a sign of a happy marriage, but it’s also a sign of a healthy, productive, and functioning one. Playfulness doesn’t mean being rude or insincere with our words. It also doesn’t mean forsaking responsibility for all fun and games. But godly playfulness takes delight in the gift of marriage that God has given us. 

    Phylicia Masonheimer, author and theologian, describes playfulness in our relationship with God and our spouse this way: 

    “What would it do to our relationship with God, viewing Him as playful? When I first considered this I was in the middle of my “flirtation experiment” with Josh. We were in a dry-ish season of marriage and I wanted to put some fun back into it. I made a list of 30 “flirtation” ideas and did one a day, recording my feelings and his response. One of my experiments was “playfulness”. I told jokes. I did a silly dance. I surprised him with water balloons after work. He was a little surprised at first. While I readily laugh at his jokes, I’m not the one to initiate silliness! But by making an effort in this area I noticed Josh’s joy increasing, his own readiness to make me laugh increasing, and – what surprised me most – my own love increasing. Laughing together, playing together, brought us closer together. I began to wonder: If I laughed with God… would I feel closer to Him? God is a spirit, not a human, so “laughing” with Him was very different from laughing with Josh. The very concept probably sounds abstract. But based on what Scripture says about God’s joy, I take for granted that the Lord wants to hear from me – in good or bad, joy or sorrow. I started sharing the things I found hilarious with the Lord. I would actually pray them to Him as if I was telling a friend.”

    Though it’s a lengthy quote, I think Masonheimer hits the nail on the head when it comes to articulating our playfulness with our spouse and our Creator. 

    3. The Priority of Christ

    A little over five years ago, when Ben and I first started dating, I worried about prioritizing my relationship with Christ and a romantic relationship. The more I sought the Lord and His Word, however, I was affirmed of this truth: The greater I pursue Jesus, the more love I’ll have to lavish on another person. The less I pursue Him, the less I’ll have available to give. We cannot pour out love if we aren’t seeking Love Himself.

    The longer I’m married, the more I see the importance of prioritizing Christ in my marriage. What does that practically look like? Ben and I are far from mastering this concept, but here are a few things we’ve found that work for us.

    -Spend time reading the Bible, praying, and talking to God on your own, but also spend time doing those things as a couple. While this can sound overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be. Daily, I read the Word, pray, and talk to God, but weekly, Ben and I pray and study together. Sometimes we utilize a morning or evening devotional we can do on our own time and then regroup later because it works for our flexibility. Feel free to try out practices and see what works best for you.

    -Go to church and small group together. It might sound obvious, but attending Church and fellowship outings as a couple not only helps us prioritize our relationship with God but one another. While it’s taken us time to get settled into a place we could call home or find people our age to study the Scriptures with, both have been well-worthy investments. If you’re struggling to find good options, don’t be afraid to look for online study groups, and try new places.

    Pursuing Christ is the highest calling you’ll ever receive, and it’s only through and in that relationship you’ll ever be able to successfully prioritize loving others. 

    What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned from being married? What advice would you give someone who’s getting married or just got married? I encourage you to share those thoughts with someone you love today. I’m certainly not an expert, but I’m choosing to grow and learn along the way. 

    Agape, Amber 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Nadtochiy

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

    Amber Ginter

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  • Redefining Normal and Appreciating the Quiet Thinkers

    Redefining Normal and Appreciating the Quiet Thinkers

    Have you ever been in a class or meeting at church and it seemed like the same people were doing all the talking week after week? How did it feel to have something to say and not be able to share? Maybe you are too polite or reserved to push your way into the conversation to share what you think.

    How about picking up your preschooler from childcare at church and having the teacher tell you, “She’s so shy.” The labels start at a young age and follow your precious child as they get older, leaving them with hurt feelings of being “defective”.

    In a world that often rewards the loudest voices and the quickest responses, it’s important to recognize and appreciate the value of quiet thinkers among us. Christian communities, just like any other, consist of diverse personalities, including those who may not be quick to speak yet possess deep wisdom and insight. Understanding and valuing these quiet individuals, especially as children of God, can enrich our interactions, strengthen the Body of Christ, and grow us personally.

    The Bible offers wonderful wisdom on the virtues of thinking, being quiet, and reflecting. These scriptures remind us of the importance of listening and valuing the contributions of those who may not be the first to speak:

    –James 1:19: “You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

    –Proverbs 17:27-28: “One who withholds his words has knowledge, And one who has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”

    –Ecclesiastes 3:7: “A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

    The virtues of being thoughtful and restrained in speech encourage us to slow down and be attentive listeners, creating space for those who may take a bit longer to express their thoughts.

    The Value of Quiet Thinkers

    Quiet thinkers bring unique strengths to our Christian communities. Their tendency to reflect deeply before speaking means that when they do share, their contributions are often thorough and insightful. Here are several reasons to appreciate and make space for quiet thinkers:

    -Quiet individuals often spend significant time reflecting on issues, leading to profound insights and thoughtful solutions.

    -They are generally good listeners, providing a calming presence and often noticing things that others might miss.

    -When they do speak, their words are usually carefully chosen and meaningful, adding significant value to discussions.

    -Their patience and restraint in conversation can serve as a model for others, fostering a more respectful and slower-paced, thoughtful environment.

    Challenges Quiet Thinkers Face

    Quiet thinkers often face several challenges in environments that prioritize quick thinking and outspoken contributions. Understanding these challenges can help us create more welcoming opportunities for them to share, regardless if they are children or adults.

    -Intimidation by Dominant Voices: In settings where quick thinkers and speakers dominate, quiet thinkers might feel intimidated and be reluctant to share.

    -Misinterpreted as Disinterested: Quietness can sometimes be misinterpreted as disinterest or a lack of engagement. In reality, quiet individuals are often deeply engaged and are simply processing their thoughts before speaking.

    Consider the example of a quiet child in a noisy classroom. When asked why she doesn’t talk at school, she might respond, “There are a lot of kids, and the kids are loud.” This is often seen as a problem with the quiet child who gets labeled as quiet or shy, and the loud children are seen as “normal”. In adult circles, the same thing happens where those who dominate conversations and fail to realize that others may have something valuable to say are seen as active participants. Those who don’t share are labeled as quiet and non-contributors when they truly had no opportunity to contribute to the discussion.

    Action Steps for Engaging Quiet Thinkers

    If you are a quick thinker or someone who is eager to share your opinion in a group setting, there are practical steps you can take to ensure that quiet thinkers in the group have the opportunity to share their insights:

    1. Ask Direct Questions

    Engage quiet thinkers by asking them direct questions. This can provide them with the opportunity to share their thoughts in a space where they feel invited to speak. For example:

    “What do you think about this, (insert name)?”

    “(Insert name), how would you approach this situation?”

    2. Allow for Pauses in Conversation

    Silence can be uncomfortable, and most of us rush to fill it. Allowing pauses in the conversation gives quiet thinkers the space they need to gather their thoughts and contribute.

    Practice waiting a few seconds after someone speaks before jumping in with your response.

    3. Encourage Written Responses

    Some people may feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts in writing. Encourage the use of written communication in group settings, such as emails, notes, or online discussions.

    “If you have any thoughts later, feel free to share them in our group chat or through email.”

    4. Create Smaller Discussion Groups

    Large group settings can be intimidating for quiet thinkers. Organize smaller discussion groups or one-on-one conversations to make it easier for them to share their thoughts.

    “Let’s break into smaller groups so everyone has a chance to share.”

    5. Model Active Listening

    Demonstrate active listening by summarizing what others have said and asking follow-up questions. This shows that you value their input and encourages participation.

    “What I hear you saying is ________. Does that sound correct?”

    6. Acknowledge and Appreciate Contributions

    Publicly acknowledge the contributions of quiet thinkers to show that their input is valued and appreciated. This encourages them to continue sharing.

    “That’s a great point, (insert name). Thank you for sharing your perspective.”

    Growth Steps for Quiet Thinkers

    Just because you are a quiet thinker doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort to participate in group settings. Here are a few tips for quiet thinkers to take steps to grow personally and become more comfortable with sharing their thoughts:

    -Use Breath Prayers: When feeling anxious about sharing in a group, use a simple breath prayer where you breathe in and say to yourself, “Made in God’s image.” As you breathe out, say to yourself, “I can show up.” This can calm your nerves and remind you that you can do all things through Christ (Phillippians 4:13).

    -Take Initiative: Challenge yourself to contribute at least one comment in every meeting or discussion. Even a brief comment can build your confidence over time.

    -Prepare in Advance: If possible, review discussion topics beforehand and jot down your thoughts. This can make it easier to contribute when the time comes.

    -Follow Up: If you need more time to process, offer to share your thoughts later. “I’ll email my thoughts after I’ve had a chance to sit with this,” is a perfectly acceptable response.

    One type of thinker is not inherently better than the other. Quick thinkers and quiet thinkers both bring valuable perspectives to the table, and recognizing this range of personalities enriches our Christian community. The important thing to remember is to be aware of how you show up in group discussions and make adjustments as needed. In the 21st century, where constant noise often drowns out quieter voices, it’s crucial to cultivate environments, especially in church settings, where everyone has space and feels comfortable to contribute.

    By taking practical steps to engage quiet thinkers and by quiet individuals stepping out of their comfort zones, we can work together to help everyone feel heard and valued.   This approach not only honors the biblical admonition to be slow to speak and quick to listen but fosters a richer, more respectful Christian community where varied perspectives can be shared. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Harbucks

    Renee Bethel, author of Finding Me: A Woman’s Guide to Learning More About Herself, is a Professional Christian Life Coach and a Certified Enneagram Coach. Her passion lies in guiding growth-minded Christian moms towards embracing their identity in Christ and finding freedom in the finished work of Jesus. If you’re ready to change the way you view yourself and your place in the world, join her FREE 31 Day Challenge to Embrace Your Identity in Christ.

    Renee Bethel

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  • Letting Go of Grudges and Finding Freedom

    Letting Go of Grudges and Finding Freedom

    The idea of forgiving people who have deeply hurt us is difficult, yet forgiveness holds a particularly significant place within the Christian faith. The Bible frequently emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, urging believers to let go of grudges and find freedom through this transformative process. This article delves into the biblical perspective on forgiveness and its importance, providing practical strategies for forgiving others and oneself. 

    Forgiveness is a central theme in the Bible, with numerous passages underscoring its importance. According to Christian teachings, forgiveness is not just a moral obligation but a path to spiritual liberation and peace. 

    Jesus’ Teachings on Forgiveness 

    One of the most profound teachings on forgiveness comes from Jesus Christ. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replies, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” 

    This response highlights the boundless nature of forgiveness that Jesus advocates for his followers. This unlimited approach to forgiveness reflects the endless mercy and grace that God offers to humanity, encouraging believers to mirror this in their interactions with others. 

    In the Lord’s Prayer, as recorded in Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” This line emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness, indicating that receiving God’s forgiveness is intertwined with our willingness to forgive others. This mutual dependency underscores the importance of a forgiving heart, suggesting that our own spiritual well-being is connected to how we treat others. 

    The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant 

    The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:23-35) further illustrates the necessity of forgiveness. In this parable, a servant who is forgiven a massive debt by his master refuses to forgive a much smaller debt owed to him by a fellow servant. 

    The master, upon learning of this, rebukes the unforgiving servant and reinstates his debt, signifying that those who do not forgive others cannot expect to receive forgiveness themselves. This parable serves as a stark reminder of the importance of extending the same mercy we have received from God to others, emphasizing the moral and spiritual imperative of forgiveness. 

    Spiritual Freedom 

    From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with God. The Bible teaches that harboring unforgiveness can hinder our prayers and our ability to receive God’s grace. 

    Mark 11:25 states, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” This verse highlights the spiritual blockage that unforgiveness can create, emphasizing the need for a clear heart to maintain a strong connection with God. 

    Forgiveness is also a testament to our faith and obedience to God’s commands. It reflects our understanding and acceptance of God’s mercy and our commitment to living a life that aligns with His teachings. By forgiving others, we demonstrate our trust in God’s justice and our willingness to leave judgment in His hands. 

    Psychological Benefits 

    Psychologically, forgiveness is linked to numerous health benefits. Studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression and improve overall well-being. Holding onto grudges and resentment can lead to chronic emotional and physical health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, fosters emotional healing and promotes a sense of peace. 

    Research has found that people who forgive are more likely to experience lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a longer life expectancy. Forgiveness can also improve relationships, leading to healthier social interactions and a more supportive community. By releasing negative emotions, individuals can focus on positive aspects of life, enhancing their mental and emotional health. 

    Strategies for Forgiving Others 

    Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the hurt is deep. However, it is possible to cultivate a forgiving heart through intentional practices. 

    1. Reflect on God’s Forgiveness 

    One of the first steps in forgiving others is to reflect on the forgiveness you have received from God. Romans 5:8 reminds us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Recognizing the magnitude of God’s forgiveness can inspire us to extend the same grace to others. Understanding that God’s love and mercy are freely given, despite our flaws and mistakes, can motivate us to forgive others.

    2. Pray for a Forgiving Heart

    Prayer is a powerful tool in the journey towards forgiveness. Ask God to soften your heart and help you let go of bitterness and resentment. Pray for the person who has wronged you, as this can shift your perspective and foster empathy. Prayer can also provide the strength and courage needed to confront and overcome the hurt, allowing God’s love to fill the spaces where pain once resided. 

    3. Understand the Benefits of Forgiveness 

    Educate yourself on the benefits of forgiveness, both spiritually and emotionally. Understanding that forgiveness is more about your own well-being than the other person’s actions can motivate you to let go of grudges. Realizing that forgiveness can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life can provide the incentive needed to pursue it, even when it feels difficult. 

    4. Practice Empathy 

    Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand the reasons behind their actions and acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it can make it easier to forgive. Empathy can also help in recognizing the humanity in others, reminding us that everyone is capable of change and growth. 

    5. Let Go of Expectations 

    Forgiveness should not be contingent upon another’s actions. Letting go of these expectations can free you to forgive more readily. Accepting that people may not always meet our expectations allows us to release the burden of resentment and move forward with our lives. 

    6. Seek Support 

    Forgiving someone can be a lonely process. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a spiritual advisor. Sharing your feelings can provide comfort and perspective, making it easier to move forward. Having a support system can also offer encouragement and accountability, helping you stay committed to the process of forgiveness. 

    Strategies for Forgiving Yourself 

    Forgiving oneself is often more challenging than forgiving others. However, self-forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and mental health. 

    1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes 

    The first step in self-forgiveness is acknowledging your mistakes without making excuses. Accept responsibility for your actions and understand their impact. This honesty is essential for personal growth, as it allows you to learn from your experiences and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

    2. Reflect on God’s Grace 

    Just as God’s forgiveness can inspire us to forgive others, it can also help us to forgive ourselves. Romans 8:1 reassures us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This verse highlights that God’s grace covers our sins, freeing us from self-condemnation. Understanding that we are forgiven by God helps us release the guilt and shame accompanying our mistakes. 

    3. Make Amends 

    If possible, take steps to make amends for your actions. Apologize to those you have hurt and seek to rectify the situation. This can alleviate guilt and pave the way for self-forgiveness. Making amends shows a commitment to change and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions, which can be an important part of the healing process. 

    4. Learn from Your Mistakes 

    View your mistakes as opportunities for growth. Reflect on what you have learned and how you can avoid similar mistakes in the future. This proactive approach can transform guilt into a catalyst for positive change. By learning from your experiences, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness and resilience. 

    5. Practice Self-Compassion 

    Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your humanity and the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Self-compassion can reduce self-criticism and promote emotional healing. By being kind to yourself, you create a supportive environment that fosters growth and self-forgiveness. 

    6. Seek Professional Help 

    If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, consider seeking help. Professional guidance can provide tools and techniques to help you work through guilt. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for moving forward. 

    The Role of Community in Forgiveness 

    Community plays a significant role in the process of forgiveness. Being part of a supportive community can provide the encouragement and accountability needed to pursue forgiveness. 

    1. Church Community 

    In a church community, members can find support and guidance through sermons, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Engaging with others who share your faith can provide a sense of belonging and remind you of the biblical teachings on forgiveness. The church can also offer resources such as counseling and support groups to help individuals on their journey toward forgiveness. 

    2. Support Groups 

    Support groups, whether faith-based or secular, can provide a safe space to share your experiences and receive encouragement from others who are also working towards forgiveness. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of solidarity. 

    3. Family and Friends 

    Family and friends can be a crucial support system in the process of forgiveness. They can offer a listening ear, provide perspective, and remind you of the importance of letting go of grudges. Having a strong support network can make the journey towards forgiveness less isolating and more manageable. 

    The Power of Forgiveness

    Forgiveness is a powerful act that offers freedom and peace. Rooted in biblical teachings, it is a pathway to spiritual and psychological well-being. By embracing forgiveness, we let go of grudges and open our hearts to healing and growth. 

    Whether forgiving others or oneself, the journey requires intentional effort, empathy, and a deep understanding of God’s grace. As we strive to forgive, we reflect the love and mercy that are at the heart of the Christian faith, ultimately finding freedom and peace in the process. 

    The power of forgiveness extends beyond individual healing; it has the potential to transform relationships, communities, and even societies. By practicing forgiveness, we contribute to a culture of compassion and understanding, breaking the cycle of hurt and fostering a more harmonious world. 

    There have been times in my life when I discovered the reasons why people hurt me, and the truth was heartbreaking. A friend who had hurt me in my teens found out that she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder in her early 20s. I vividly remember a conversation with her during our teenage years that she later expressed confusion over, upset by the pain she caused me and others. 

    Years later, when she was diagnosed in her early twenties, that memory resurfaced. You never truly know what personal struggles someone may be facing, and when they hurt you, it may not always be personal. 

    Letting go of grudges and finding freedom through forgiveness is not only a personal victory but a testament to the enduring power of love and grace and what God ultimately wants us to do.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/gorodenkoff

    J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.

    J. Lila Donovan

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  • What Are “Confessional Communities”?

    What Are “Confessional Communities”?

    When I first learned of “Confessional Communities,” I wasn’t sure what to think. I resonate with the words recorded in Psalm 32:1-2, which state, “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.” I like the idea of living with complete absolution—inside the privacy of my prayer closet. But exposing the ugliest parts of myself to others? The thought stirred anxiety within me, largely because of times when my weaknesses and faults were met with judgment and rejection rather than grace. 

    I wonder if you would say the same. Perhaps you joined a Bible study hoping for connection, for healing, and left with increased shame. 

    The communities Dr.Thompson and his team create, train, and multiply have the opposite effect. These groups form spaces designed to help people feel known, seen, and soothed. Using his psychotherapy experience, love for Scripture, and understanding of neural biology, he is working to create environments where, through the empathetic responses of others, individuals can heal and become the beautiful expressions of the Triune God for which they were created. 

    Curiosity sparked after discussing Thompson’s latest release, The Deepest Place, for an upcoming Faith Over Fear podcast episode. I engaged him in conversation to learn more about the transformative movement that emerged through his practice and discovered that his organization, The Center for Being Known, is making lay-led communities available.

    More Than Group Therapy

    “What we call Confessional Communities came from a number of different threads and streams that came to converge in our practice,” he said. “It all began probably 15 or 20 years ago but has really crystalized in the last 8-10 years.”  

    The ultimate purpose of Confessional Communities goes deeper than what some might refer to as “group therapy.” 

    “Now, people come with all kinds of initial complaints,” Thompson said. “They’re coming for their marriage, or anxiety, or depression, or substance abuse. There’s a range of different doorways by which people enter. … But we are quick to remind and point out to people that those things are all true, but much bigger than that is this question of spiritual formation.”

    In discussing the importance of this, Dr. Thompson explained various ways we humans are being formed each day—from the news we watch, books we read, social media content we consume, and more. “The question is,” he said, “who is the community in which you embed that is forming you, and what is the story that you believe you’re living in, that is forming that community?”

    Confessional Communities exist within a biblical understanding of the nature of what it means for us to be human. Within that context, these groups operate based on “interpersonal neurobiology principles regarding what the mind is,” Thompson said, “how the mind operates, and the mechanics of what it looks like to flourish as human beings.” All of this is applied through group psychotherapy dynamics. 

    Thompson clarified: “What we’re really talking about is, what does it mean to pay attention to the nature of how interpersonal systems work. So, it’s not just how does the mind work within me? But what happens in a group when the group starts to talk with each other?”

    These communities meet weekly for 90 minutes. “There’s nothing about our lives that we do not talk about,” he said. People have found these interactions so profound; some have asked, “Why can’t this be church?” Others have said the experience was the most transformative they’d engaged in, and still others expressed sorrow that their parents hadn’t connected with something similar. In response to these powerful statements, Thompson reminds us that the role of church, Confessional Communities, and all of Christian living is that we’d be conformed to the image of Jesus.  

    How People Change

    When asked what it was about these communities in particular that led to such healing, he pointed to the mechanics of how people change. Often, it’s not through book reading alone that we most heal, learn and grow, at least in terms of what it means to become more like Christ, as helpful as those practices can be. Rather, it is through our interactions with others. For example, he shared how, many times as he meets with patients, things they do and say have taught him a great deal about himself, and he often experiences personal transformation due to the work they’ve done.

    He explained that, while he would never use a client’s therapy time to discuss himself in this manner, his professional interaction in session does have a drawback. “A patient doesn’t really get the opportunity to recognize how their telling their story vulnerably is actually a way for others to know healing.” For example, what one person shares often evokes things in others that they’ve kept locked away for years, and perhaps over which they’ve held a grudge.

    This, in turn, benefits the storyteller. “One of the major ways in which we know healing in our own lives is allowing our vulnerability to be the agency of healing for others,” Thompson said. “My experience of healing includes the work I do to advance the healing of others.”

    Another challenge with individual therapy is ways in which patients often try to avoid, subconsciously, talking about the very things that drive their problems. While he might catch some of these self-protective tendencies, he recognized that he won’t catch them all. “There will be places where we have common blindspots,” he said. “Because it’s not that tough to fool one person. But put you in a room with seven other brains, and it is really difficult for you to outflank anybody because all of the angles intended to circumvent the questions I ask are covered in a circle. And so, what the therapist doesn’t pick up, perhaps somebody else in the room does.”

    When speaking with potential members, he emphasizes that they will both give and receive help, adding, “But the way you’re going to be helpful is not with your wit and your wisdom. You’re going to be helpful by giving [community members] your vulnerability.” This isn’t about coming and receiving information to then take home and apply. Instead, it’s about a person engaging their shame by allowing others to see it.” To those who say they’d rather not do that, Thompson replied, with a note of sadness in his voice, “Right. Evil’s counting on that. Evil wants you to remain silent and alone with [your shame] so that it can continue to use it to strengthen the abscess. It will try to use it to devour you.”

    The Physics of Relational Mass Effect

    He concluded our discussion with the third way these groups create such healing and transformation. “I don’t have data on this, so I’m saying this lightly,” he said. “We don’t have enough scientific information about it. But I’ll say it this way—what I call the physics of relational mass effect. If I tell you a vulnerable story, that’s one thing. But if I tell my story to you and two other or three other people in the room at the same time, my brain is not experiencing empathy from just one other brain. It’s experiencing empathy from multiple people.” 

    After comparing a wheelbarrow to a train, both moving at three miles per hour, he said, “Shame is like a locomotive. Alone, we can’t stop it.” Tearing up, he added, “What a community does—it builds a bigger train. When I have the weight of six or seven or eight people who are saying, ‘We aren’t leaving the room. You can bring as much shame into this room as you want to. It cannot compete with us.’ That is a mind changer. That is a heart renewer. That is renewal of the brain, that is all a reflection of the first two pages of the Bible.”

    I’ve witnessed faith groups that did not handle shame well. I’ve heard numerous stories over the years of already wounded men and women who have been further hurt by the church. Therefore, I’m deeply encouraged by the work God is doing through Dr. Thompson and his team.

    Can you imagine what might happen, the healing that might occur, if everyone had the opportunity to feel completely known and deeply loved, even in their most shameful places? To have someone listen, without judgment or offering advice, and say, “I see your pain, and I’m not going anywhere”?

    Visit the Center for Being Known to learn more, and watch for my discussion with Dr. Thompson on the Faith Over Fear podcast as he discusses suffering and the formation of hope. The episode is scheduled to drop on July 30th, 2024. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com.

    As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries, she’s passionate about helping women experience Christ’s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event  and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE  and make sure to connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

    Jennifer Slattery

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  • Building a Healthy Coparenting Relationship

    Building a Healthy Coparenting Relationship

    Co-parenting is like a tag-team match where you and your co-parent are both in the ring, fighting for the well-being and upbringing of your kids. It’s crucial, especially when you’re aiming to raise children who are not only responsible but also rooted in faith. 

    In Proverbs 22:6, it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That’s the essence of co-parenting in a Christian context. You’re not just teaching them math and manners; you’re instilling values and faith that will guide them throughout their lives.

    Think about it this way: if you’re trying to build a sturdy house, you need a solid foundation. Similarly, if you want your children to grow up with strong morals and a deep faith, you need a solid co-parenting relationship.

    Challenges of Co-parenting

    Co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park, especially if you’re navigating the waters of divorce or separation. It’s like trying to paddle a canoe in choppy waters; there are bound to be some bumps along the way.

    Communication is key, but it can be tough when there are hurt feelings or unresolved issues lingering between you and your ex. And let’s not forget about scheduling conflicts—juggling soccer practice, piano lessons, and dentist appointments can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube in the dark!

    Then there’s the emotional toll. Seeing your children split their time between two homes can tug at your heartstrings like a sad country song. And explaining the situation to your kids? That’s a whole other ballgame. It’s like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler—challenging, to say the least.

    But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom. With patience, understanding, and a whole lot of prayer, you can overcome these challenges and build a healthy co-parenting relationship that sets a positive example for your children. It’s like planting seeds in a garden; with the right care and attention, they’ll grow into something beautiful.

    Putting God at the Center

    Putting God at the center of your co-parenting journey is like adding the strongest adhesive to a fragile bond; it holds everything together. In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus emphasizes the greatest commandments—to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. When it comes to co-parenting, your ex is still your neighbor, and loving them as yourself means prioritizing your relationship with God.

    Imagine your relationship with God as the North Star, guiding your co-parenting ship through stormy seas. When you seek His guidance and wisdom, it’s like having a seasoned navigator on board, helping you steer clear of rocky shores and treacherous waters.

    Practically speaking, this means turning to God in prayer and meditation when faced with co-parenting decisions. Instead of relying solely on your understanding, you’re tapping into a divine wisdom that surpasses human understanding.

    For example, let’s say you and your ex are at odds about your child’s education. Instead of resorting to arguments and ultimatums, you take a step back and pray for clarity and understanding. In doing so, you open your heart to God’s guidance, allowing Him to soften your stance and help you see things from a different perspective. Before you know it, you’re sitting down with your ex, calmly discussing your options and finding common ground.

    Furthermore, praying together as co-parents can be a game-changer. It’s like joining forces in a battle, knowing that you have each other’s backs. By lifting your children and your co-parenting relationship up in prayer, you’re inviting God into the midst of your struggles and triumphs, trusting Him to work miracles in your lives.

    Communication Is Key

    Effective communication in co-parenting is like oil in the gears of a well-oiled machine; it keeps everything running smoothly. In Proverbs 15:1, it says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” This verse highlights the power of gentle, respectful communication in diffusing conflict—a valuable lesson for co-parents navigating the ups and downs of raising children together.

    Think of communication as the bridge that connects you and your ex, allowing you to share important information, make joint decisions, and coordinate schedules. Without it, you’re like ships passing in the night, missing crucial opportunities to collaborate and support each other in the shared goal of raising your children.

    So, how can you develop healthy communication in your co-parenting relationship? 

    First and foremost, practice active listening. Instead of formulating your response while they’re talking, truly listen to what they’re saying, validating their feelings and concerns.

    Another tip is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. It’s like taking ownership of your feelings and experiences, rather than placing blame on your ex. For example, instead of saying, “You always forget to pick up the kids on time,” try saying, “I feel frustrated when the kids aren’t picked up on time.”

    And speaking of blame, it’s important to avoid playing the blame game altogether. Instead of focusing on past mistakes or grievances, focus on finding solutions and moving forward together. It’s like turning the page to a new chapter in your co-parenting journey, where forgiveness and grace abound.

    Lastly, communicate regularly and respectfully, even in difficult situations. Whether you’re discussing a change in visitation schedules or addressing a behavioral issue with your child, approach the conversation with kindness and understanding.

    Respecting Each Other’s Roles

    Respecting each other’s roles as parents in co-parenting is like acknowledging that each brick in a building has its unique purpose; without one, the structure wouldn’t stand. Ephesians 4:32, says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” This verse emphasizes the importance of kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness—qualities that are essential in co-parenting, whether you’re still together or not.

    When you respect each other’s roles as parents, you’re not competing for the finish line; you’re running alongside each other, cheering each other on every step of the way.

    So, how can you support and encourage each other as co-parents? 

    First and foremost, acknowledge and appreciate the unique strengths and qualities that each of you brings to the table. It’s like recognizing that you’re both valuable members of the parenting team, each contributing something special to your children’s lives.

    For example, let’s say your ex is great at helping with homework, while you excel at planning fun weekend activities. Instead of feeling threatened or inadequate, celebrate each other’s strengths and work together to create a balanced approach to parenting. It’s like weaving a tapestry of love and support, with each thread adding to the beauty of the whole.

    Furthermore, avoid criticizing or undermining each other’s parenting decisions. Instead of nitpicking or second-guessing each other’s choices, focus on finding common ground and working together for the greater good of your children.

    Co-Parenting Through Conflict

    Conflict in co-parenting is like a storm brewing on the horizon; it’s bound to happen, but how you weather it makes all the difference. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus provides a blueprint for resolving conflicts within the church community, emphasizing the importance of addressing issues directly and with love. 

    Similarly, in co-parenting, facing conflicts head-on and with a spirit of compassion is key to maintaining a healthy relationship for the sake of your children.

    Acknowledge that conflicts are inevitable in co-parenting.

    Instead of sweeping issues under the rug or letting resentment simmer, address them openly and honestly, keeping the well-being of your children at the forefront of your mind.

    So, how can you navigate conflicts in a Godly manner? 

    Start by practicing humility and patience, approaching the situation with a willingness to listen and learn. It’s like laying down your pride and ego at the foot of the cross, allowing God’s grace to guide your words and actions.

    Furthermore, prioritize the well-being of your children above all else. Whether you’re negotiating visitation schedules or discussing discipline strategies, keep their needs and emotions at the forefront of your decision-making process.

    Additionally, seek common ground and compromise whenever possible. It’s important to find a middle ground where both parties feel heard and respected, rather than digging in heels and refusing to budge. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing—it’s about finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

    And finally, don’t hesitate to seek outside help if conflicts become too difficult to navigate on your own. Just as you wouldn’t hesitate to call a mechanic when your car breaks down, seeking mediation or counseling can provide valuable support and guidance when navigating the complexities of co-parenting.

    So, let us embrace conflicts as opportunities for growth and learning in the co-parenting journey. By approaching them with humility, patience, and a godly perspective, you can navigate even the stormiest of seas and emerge stronger, wiser, and more united for the sake of your children.

    Dear parents embarking on the journey of co-parenting, let me leave you with this heartfelt encouragement: trust in God’s guidance and wisdom as you navigate the twists and turns of your co-parenting relationships.

    Building a healthy co-parenting relationship isn’t always easy. It takes time, effort, and prayer. But know that every step you take, every word you speak, and every decision you make is worth it—for the sake of your children and your relationship with God.

    So, lean on Him in times of uncertainty, seek His wisdom in moments of doubt, and trust in His love to sustain you through it all. With God as your anchor, you can weather any storm and emerge stronger, more united, and more deeply rooted in faith.

    May His grace and peace be with you on this journey, guiding you ever closer to His perfect will for your lives and the lives of your precious children. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/digitalskillet

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • 7 Prayers for a Bride on Her Wedding Day

    7 Prayers for a Bride on Her Wedding Day

    As a bride, your wedding day is one of the most memorable days of your life. This is the day you get hitched to the most amazing guy on God’s green earth. It’s also the day you give singlehood the boot, trudging a path of no return. Understandably, you may be swirling in a mix of emotions that day. You may be ecstatic on the one hand yet jittery on the other. Not forgetting that all eyes will be on you. Lots of friends and family will be shifting in their seats just to catch a glimpse of you.

    As the bride takes in the fanfare, glitz, excitement, and anxiety on her big day, what can those close to her do to help her sail through the day and, better still, to fortify her marriage? We are glad you asked – you can pray for her. Praying for a bride on her wedding day helps calm her down, perks up her confidence, and lets her put things into perspective. Even though she may be too rattled to listen intently to the prayers made that day, we are willing to bet that she will watch her wedding video not too long after the wedding. Here are seven prayers for a bride on her wedding day.

    1. Pray That She Will Build Her Marriage on the Rock

    “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.” (Mathew 7:24)

    Dear Lord, we pray that you will enable (the bride’s name) to build her marriage on the rock and not on sand. We pray that she will be not only a hearer of your Word but also a doer. Your Word asks her to love, respect, forgive, submit to and honor her husband. We pray that you may enable her to heed all the instructions in your Word where her marriage is concerned.

    We pray that she will be a wise woman who builds her house with her own hands and does not tear it down. We pray that she will be able to weather all the challenges that she may face in her marriage. We pray that her marriage will withstand all challenges to the glory of your name.

    2. Pray That She Will Experience Great Joy in Her Marriage

    “The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.” (Proverbs 10:22)

    “The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tents of the righteous, the right hand of the Lord does valiantly.” (Psalm 118:15)

    Dear Lord, we thank you for blessing (the bride’s name) with a spouse. We pray that her marriage will be a fountain of joy and not sorrow. Your Word tells us that two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. We pray that you will usher her into a new level of joy and happiness as she savors life with her husband. We pray that you may give her wisdom to ward off the things/people that may try to sabotage her joy in marriage.

    We pray that her home will be filled with laughter and rejoicing to the glory of your name.

    3. Pray That She Will be Clothed With Strength and Honor

    “Strength and honor are her clothing, she shall rejoice in time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

    “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

    Dear Lord, we pray that you may endow (the bride’s name) with the strength to tackle all the responsibilities that lie ahead of her in this new phase of life. We pray that your strength will be made perfect in her weaknesses. We pray that she will be diligent in her work. We also pray that you will enable her to honor you in everything she does. We pray that whatever her hand finds to do, she will do it with all her might. Help her to do her work heartily, not unto men but unto you. May her work bring glory and honor to your name.

    4. Pray That She Will Keep Her First Love

    “Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” (Revelation 2:4)

    “Now these are the ones sown among thorns; they are the ones who hear the word, and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.” (Mark 4:18-19)

    Dear Lord, we pray that as (the bride’s name) steps into this new phase of her life, she will not forsake her love for you. We pray that she will seek your kingdom first and its righteousness so that all the other aspects of her life can be aligned. We pray that she will not forsake prayer, studying your Word, and fellowship with other believers. We pray that she will not allow the busyness of marriage to sabotage her fellowship with you.

    We also pray that she will not forsake her first love towards her husband. We pray that she will not allow familiarity and sluggishness to creep into her marriage. May she continually tend to her marriage and seek to serve and honor her husband to the glory of your name.

    5. Pray That She Will be a Blessing to Her Husband

    “She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)

    “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

    Dear Lord, we pray that (the bride’s name) will seek to be a blessing to her husband all the days of her life. Grant her strength to extend kindness to him even when she feels he doesn’t deserve it. Help her find delight in loving, serving, encouraging, and praying for him. May she seek to fulfill his needs and support his dreams. Your Word tells us that we were created for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. May (the bride’s name) identify all the good works that you have ordained for her in her marriage, and may she execute them to the glory of your name.

    6. Pray That She Will Willingly Forgive Her Husband

     “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25-26)

    Dear Lord, we acknowledge that marriage is the most intimate relationship, and that’s where offense easily takes root. We know that sometimes (the bride’s name) will feel aggrieved by her husband’s words or actions. We pray that you may give her the strength and grace to forgive her husband in such times. We pray that you may remind her of the need to extend mercy to him just as she has received mercy from you. Your Word asks us not to allow any root of bitterness to spring up among us, causing trouble and defiling many. We pray that she will be quick to forgive, to the glory of your name.

    7. Pray That She Will Submit to Her Husband

    “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.” (Ephesians 5:22-23).

    Dear Lord, we pray that you will grant (the bride’s name) the grace to submit to her husband. We pray that you will enable her husband to love her sacrificially as Christ loved the church so that submission for her will not be a burden but a delight. Help her respect, serve, love, and honor her husband for the glory of your name.

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/David Thomaz

    Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.

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  • The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

    The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

    If we are honest, most people we come across in life are not very nice people. I first came to this conclusion when I was a young child. Being picked on and bullied, I quickly realized that many people are mean for no reason. While my parents came up with plenty of ideas as to why people were mean, none of them were true or relevant to my situation. Long story short, many people are mean just because they are mean. 

    There are mean people in the world because we live in a sinful, fallen world. Everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). By living in the fallen world, we encounter people who are driven by anger, frustration, hurt, and bitterness. Rather than being kind, they make us feel bad about ourselves. Mean people are never fun to be around because they only hurt us. 

    If you are someone who is known to be mean, it is time to step away from this identity. Never should a person say a Christian is mean. As Christians, we are Jesus’ lights to the world. How will we shine brightly for Him if we are being darkness ourselves? Instead of being mean, choose kindness. This is what God wants all people to do, especially those who claim to follow Him. 

    The Lasting Pain of Being Hurt

    When someone is mean to us, it hurts. Depending on who the person is, it might hurt more so than a stranger. Many people I used to know were very mean to me, even though I considered them friends. I think I considered them friends because I really wanted to have friends. Now, in retrospect, as I am older, I know they were not my real friends. 

    Friends would never be mean to you. Never would they say hurtful comments, belittle you, or make fun of you. Friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down. If you have been the victim of bullying, know that you are not alone. It can really hurt to know that your friends are not actually your friends and that you are better off without them. Fake friends don’t deserve your time or presence, though. 

    If you are hurt by someone who is just a stranger, know that your pain is valid too. Just the other day I was at a doctor’s appointment and a woman in the waiting room scowled at me as if I was the devil himself. This made me feel awful about myself, and I went out of my way to distance myself from this woman. Maybe you have encountered someone just like this. You did nothing to warrant the hateful glares, yet the person still shot them at you. 

    This was not nice of them, but as you already know, there are a lot of mean people in the world. The popular trend today that promotes the idea that all people are relatively good is not biblical. All people are evil from the moment they are conceived (Psalm 51:5). We are born into sin and only through the grace of Jesus can we be saved. 

    From the time we are children of God, we become more aware of the evil around us. We see people who are mean for no reason, yet it is still hard not to take it personally. Similarly, many Christians are the ones who are mean, even to their own brothers and sisters in Christ. This should not be; however, if you have even encountered this, know you are not alone. Some of the meanest people I’ve known are people who identify as Christians. 

    Whether they are true Christians or not, I do not know. What I do know is that as an individual Christian, I would never do anything purposely to be mean to someone else. I know how it feels when someone is mean to you, and I never want to inflict that same pain on anybody else. Are we always going to be perfect and treat everyone with flawless love? No. However, as believers, we shouldn’t want to be mean to anyone. Our motivations and intentions should be rooted in Christ’s love. We should want to extend Jesus in our actions. If we fail to do this, we are doing a disservice to the Lord. 

    Living in a Fallen World 

    As mentioned earlier, we are living in a fallen world, and this is why we encounter mean people. Sadly, within pop culture and schooling, mean people are deemed as “cool.” Think of who the popular people were at your schools. It’s often those who tear others down and build a fear-based popularity. This is a sad reality; however, it is not something we should ignore. Popularity should never be “earned” through anger, fear, and manipulation.

    Everyone becomes so afraid of them that they just keep allowing them to run the school, the event, or even the workplace. Unfortunately, despite being adults, we see the same trends in adulthood. The bullies and the mean kids never grew up. Instead of allowing this behavior to continue, we must speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. We must speak up for ourselves too. Mean people only have power over us if we let them. 

    We do not have to give them the satisfaction of hurting us. Instead, we can address their mean behavior and call them out for it. As adults, we need to behave better, period. Nobody should be mean to someone just because they look different, talk differently, or do things differently than someone else. There needs to be kindness, compassion, and grace extended to all people. This is the only way that we can actually shine the light of Jesus in our lives. 

    While it is true that we are living in a fallen world, it does not mean we have to live as the world does. In fact, as believers, we should be living in opposition to the sinful world. The world says meanness is how you get what you want, but the Bible says the right thing to do is to be kind, caring, and loving (Matthew 22:39; Ephesians 4:32). Are we going to follow the practices of the world or are we going to follow our Savior? This vital question can help us move forward in curtailing the hate that continues in the world. 

    Choosing to Forgive

    If you are someone who has been hurt by a mean person, it’s important to forgive them. It’s true that they probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, and they probably never apologized, but God still wants you to forgive them (Matthew 6:14). After all, we don’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but we are called to extend this same grace to others. This can be hard, yet it is something we must do. Holding onto unforgiveness, hate, and anger will only hurt us. If we truly want to move forward, we must forgive the people who hurt us. 

    Forgiving the person means you are giving the situation over to Jesus. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, nor does it mean that what they did is forgotten. Rather, it means you are turning the situation over to God. He can handle it best, and He can carry any of the emotions you are experiencing. He hates that there are mean people in the world, but He promises us a future where there will only be genuinely kind people, His followers rejoicing in heaven (Revelation 21). 

    This future promise will be fulfilled in the New Heaven and New Earth. Never will anyone be mean to one another ever again. There will only be happiness, love, and joy. When people are mean to you in this life, look forward to the day that all evil will be destroyed. It will happen in the future, and it is a sure promise. Reflect on this truth when mean people get you down.  

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/bunditinay

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

    32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

    One of the best things in life is having a day with your girls. Although you enjoy your loved ones, it’s nice to take a day off and do something fun. Not only does it feel good to be free of responsibilities for a day, but it’s also good for your emotional and mental health. You can just relax and have fun. 

    If you are looking for some ideas for your next girls’ day out, here are some ideas:

    1. Spa Day

    Either spend money and go to the spa or someone can host a spa day at their house. Everyone can bring their own grooming tools and products, as well as a snack or beverage to share.

    2. Go to a Museum

    Research different museums in your area and choose one to go to. You could even do this several times and rotate museums.

    3. Eat Out

    Go out for a nice brunch or lunch together. This is your time to splurge!

    4. Volunteer for a Cause

    Make a list of causes that you all care about and put names into a hat. Then have someone pick from the hat to decide where you will volunteer. You could do this several times and line up volunteering opportunities a few months in advance if you wish.

    5. Go on a Day Trip

    Take a quick trip to an attraction, town, or shopping center that you have been wanting to see a few towns away or somewhere in your state.

    6. Go Shopping

    There is nothing like going on a shopping trip, but it can get boring when you go to the same old places. Do some research and find the out-of-the-way shopping centers in your town or the next town over. You can also look for outlet malls and specialty malls that are a few hours away in your state. (And don’t underestimate how fun antique shopping can be!)

    7. Movie Day Out

    Going to the movies can get pricey, but it doesn’t have to. Look on the website for the movie theaters in your town and see if they have any specials going on. If you can find an independently owned movie theater in your town, you’ve found a gem. Chances are, ticket prices will be much lower than in the big chain theaters.

    8. Take a Class Together

    Talk over your interests with your girls and see if any resonate with all of you, and then take a class on that thing. If you all have different interests, over a few months, take a class together for each lady’s personal interest. For example, Cathy may enjoy cooking, Laura may enjoy knitting, and Christine may enjoy making jewelry. Take a cooking class in January, a knitting class in February, and a jewelry-making class in March. This way, everyone will get a turn taking a class on their specific interest.

    9. Start a Book Club

    If your friends are a bunch of bookworms, start a book club together. Invite coworkers, fellow church members, or neighbors and see how your friendship circle grows!

    10. Go for Dessert

    Go for dessert together and order the most decadent thing on the menu. 

    11. Go for Drinks

    Go out for drinks and have some friendly conversation. (No, this doesn’t mean you have to consume alcohol. Mocktails, coffees, and other iced teas and fruity drinks make for great refreshers with friends.)

    12. Visit an Amusement Park

    Head to an amusement park and let your inner child out. 

    13. Visit a Farmer’s Market

    Go to the local farmer’s market and pick up some farm fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes you can find other things too, like fresh meat, homemade baked goods, jellies, jams, and homemade candy.

    14. Scrapbook Together

    Spend some time scrapbooking together and talk about your favorite memories.

    15. Have a Brainstorming Session

    If you all are close, each person comes with a problem that needs solving, and you help each other find solutions. Sometimes we don’t even have a problem; it could be something like wanting to do “this thing” but not knowing how to get started. 

    16. Take a Fitness Class Together

    If losing weight is a goal for you and your pals, take a fitness class together, and, if you can, keep it up to hold everyone accountable.

    17. Take a Pottery Class

    If you are looking for something unique to do, take a pottery class together. 

    18. Have a Tea Party

    Host a tea party at one of your houses with tea, finger sandwiches, and little cakes. To make it more fun, everyone can dress up, and don’t forget to keep your pinky up!

    19. Make Special Drinks Together

    Choose two or three special drinks that you would like and have a class together.

    20. Go to a Food Festival or Cookoff

    Look for festivals in your area and across your state. Festivals are fun to go to and often go on all year. Some ideas are strawberry festivals, pumpkin festivals, or chili cookoffs.

    21. Rollerskate

    If you have a roller rink in your area, dust off those skates and hit the rink for some nostalgia. 80’s tunes, anyone?

    22. Play Games Together

    Get together and play some board games, video games, or outdoor games together. This could be a competitive game of Scrabble, a favorite video game, or a game of basketball or tennis. 

    23. Arrange Flowers

    Buy some flowers, either fake or real, and some vases and spend an afternoon arranging them. Choose a few different projects like bouquets, a corsage, or a vase and create something beautiful. 

    24. Try a Cat Cafe

    As long as no one is allergic, spend some time at your local cat cafe. Not only are the cats cute to look at and available for adoption, but hanging out with cats has lots of health benefits like reducing stress. Who knows, you may find your new best friend. Not a cat person? Have your friends and their furry pups meet you at the local dog park.

    25. Virtual Reality Lounge

    Check out a local virtual reality lounge in your area for some new and exciting fun.

    26. Escape Room

    If you aren’t claustrophobic and like games and figuring things out, head to your local escape room for some fun.

    27. Bowling

    Go to the bowling alley and play a few games. You could even create your own bowling league for the day, with special names like Gutter Ball Gloria, Strikem’ Out Stacy, and Brenda Bowling Shoes. You could even come up with categories and have prizes for the winners. (Ex: Most pins knocked down, best gutter ball throw, and most balls in the gutter.)

    28. Cook Together

    Choose two or three easy meals you would like to make and get together at someone’s house to cook. This way, everyone can take home two to three meals to put in the freezer.

    29. Bake Together

    This is a little sweeter than cooking together, but pick two or three things you would like to bake together so everyone has something to take home. You could make a coffee cake or muffins for breakfast, cookies for a snack, and another kind of cake for a special dessert.

    30. Go “Booking”

    Another idea for the bookworms in your life is to spend the day going to used bookstores in your area and then going out for dinner. This is a great way to add to the to-be-read pile at a good price. 

    31. Go to the theater

    See if your local community center is putting on a show you would like to see and get tickets. Then dress up fancy and have a great time.

    32. Sports Night

    Who says boys are the only ones who can love sports? If you and your gals have a favorite team, whether in football, baseball, or even curling, get together for a big game night with special dips, finger foods, and fun!

    There are many great ways to spend the day with your girlfriends. Whatever you choose, let your hair down and have a great time. You deserve it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez

    Carrie Lowrance

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  • Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

    Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

    Most of us are uncomfortable with the idea of denying ourselves, especially from the things that give us momentary pleasure. Whether it be that second slice of cheesecake, or that weekly online shopping spree, the challenge to deny ourselves isn’t an easy challenge to accept.

    But what if the concept of denying yourself became less about self and more about others? For marriage, in particular, what if practicing self-denial in certain areas would lead to a more fulfilled and happy marriage?

    The truth is, there are certain habits we practice so frequently—without a single thought of denying ourselves—we start to assume those habits are our “rights.” But when couples are so focused on their individual rights, they often lose sight of the oneness God created for the marriage union.

    Here are 7 ways denying yourself will not only help you become less self-centered, but also make your spouse happy in the process 

    1. Deny Avoiding Intimacy

    Avoiding intimacy, or denying your spouse of lovemaking, can literally tear your marriage apart. Not only does it go against the Bible, according to 1 Corinthians 7:5, it goes against the blessing of oneness that God designed.

    Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Corinthians 7:5)

    Deny yourself the excuses of avoiding intimacy, and you might find a renewed closeness that fosters both love and romance.

    2. Deny Overspending

    Countless marital struggles arise due to financial stress. And most of the time, consistent overspending is the culprit. If you struggle with overspending in your marriage, try to see your spouse’s point of view. How can self-denial in this area help your marriage thrive instead of merely survive?

    For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:10 ESV)

    By denying yourself the “right” to overspend, you’ll be showing your spouse respect for their hard work, and respect for your household finances. Hopefully, this will lead to a more balanced and happy marriage.

    3. Deny Scrolling Social Media

    Our spouses can easily feel ignored and unimportant when we are constantly scrolling social media. I’ve seen couples sitting across from each other in restaurants, on their phones, totally ignoring one another for the entire duration of their meal.

    This is a big issue in our marriages today. According to this article, “the deeper issue is the feeling of disconnect you or your partner experiences when you get lost in your phone. You don’t truly listen or make eye contact, thus making your spouse feel ignored.”

    While it’s tempting to check your phone every few minutes, make the decision to turn it off when sharing a meal or quality moment with your spouse. This is one form of self-denial that will truly make a difference in how you connect.

    Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT)

    4. Deny Talking Too Much

    Everyone likes to feel heard. And when one spouse constantly manipulates the conversation, it doesn’t take long for the other to start tuning them out. This isn’t the kind of communication that fosters a healthy marriage. 

    Consider the ways in which you can be a better listener and deny yourself the habit of talking too much. Here are a few actionable tips that might help:

    • Pray and ask God to help you listen more than you speak.
    • Ask your spouse about their day before you tell them about yours.
    • Turn off your phone and look them in the eye as they talk.
    • Resist the urge to interrupt or make your opinion known, unless specifically asked for.
    • Repeat what your spouse is telling you, to let them know you heard them.

    Ultimately, when you deny talking too much, you are opening the door of healthy communication in your marriage, which will only lead to a happier, more responsive spouse.

    My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Carolyn Horlings

    5. Deny Being Lazy

    If you’re constantly procrastinating, by putting off important things such as paying the bills, cleaning the house, or making dinner, consider denying yourself the nonconstructive pattern of laziness. 

    Of course, there will be seasons when neither spouse has the energy to cook or clean, but make those seasons far and few between. Instead of giving into laziness or procrastination, come up with a system that works for both of you. This might mean you alternate cooking and cleaning. It might mean you run errands on designated days. Whatever you choose, deny yourself the continuous habit of letting things go. Both you and your spouse will benefit from a workable schedule that gets things done.

    May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:17)

    6. Deny Asking for More

    Discontentment in marriage is a dangerous thing. Not only does it always want more, it doesn’t appreciate what it already has. If you find yourself discontent—more often than not—try to get to the root of your unhappiness and get the help needed to find contentment.

    According to this post, “Our conflict with others increases when our own contentment decreases. This is particularly true for our marriages. The opposite is true too—When our contentment increases—our conflict with others decreases.”

    Make your spouse happy by denying yourself persistent discontentment. When discontented feelings arise, turn those feelings into offerings of thanksgiving. Make it a practice to thank the Lord for three things that are good in your life, every time discontentment raises its ugly head. Before long, you’ll be in a new habit of gratefulness and contentment.

    Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

    7. Deny Demanding Spiritual Maturity

    For Christian couples who are walking with the Lord, there can be a tendency to judge one another’s spiritual maturity. The danger of this is that the spouse who feels judged will either become resentful or feel defeated in their faith. 

    It is important to deny yourself the practice of demanding spiritual maturity from your spouse. This doesn’t mean you can’t encourage them in their faith. However, it does mean you don’t have the right to condemn them.

    The Holy Spirit is the One who grows us up. It’s not our place to discount our spouse’s personal journey with the Lord. It’s our duty to build them up in the faith and walk humbly with God as an example.

    He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

    While denying yourself certain things does make your spouse happy, it would be wise to approach self-denial as a commitment to follow the ways of the Lord. In doing this, denying yourself becomes less about your efforts and more about walking in the Holy Spirit. Rely on the wisdom of God to lead you into a healthy place of willingness, and deny yourself for the sake of a happy and thriving marriage.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/InnerVisionPRO

    Jennifer WaddleJennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth. 

    Jennifer Waddle

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  • Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This. It’s a very good article, but I’m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn’t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn’t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. —W

    Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers’ feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours. 

    Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

    The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

    But this brings us to your question. 

    How? 

    More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

    It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

    But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

    Wrong Motivations for Friendship

    I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

    Here’s what I mean:

    Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

    -Guilt avoidance

    The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

    Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

    -Preventing loneliness

    Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

    -To feel wanted or needed

    Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

    Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

    -To fend off rejection or abandonment

    One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

    Self-Led Friendship

    Now what?

    The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

    If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

    To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

    How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

    Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

    1. Learn to Say “No”

    I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

    Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

    However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

    All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

    -How long have you been doing this job for me?

    -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

    -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

    -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

    This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

    2. Heal Emotional Pain

    Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

    According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

    There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

    3. Conflict Resolution

    Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

    So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

    If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

    With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

    May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

    Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

    Thomas Wolfe once wrote, “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”[1] 

    For Wolfe, loneliness is the spiritual condition of humanity. For most of us, however, loneliness amounts to little more than a problem of physical health. As is typical of a culture that sees spirituality as a purely private phenomenon, we’ve translated loneliness into a matter of public health, choosing to concentrate on its deleterious effects on a person’s physical well-being. Those physical effects, among them high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and anxiety, are indeed harmful, but they remain symptoms of an underlying spiritual condition.[2] Why is loneliness at “epidemic” levels in an age that’s more connected than ever? If email represented a drastic new infringement on our privacy, the advent of smartphones and social media has only exacerbated the issue, further blurring the line between public and private life. In short, it takes serious effort to get away from the constant clamor of voices. Not even an airplane offers the reprieve it once did. Yet we remain desperately lonely.

    The spiritual character of loneliness becomes clear when we recognize that it’s possible to be lonely in a crowd and content in seclusion. Think of the experience of being on a busy commuter train and still feeling lonely and isolated. Conversely, the novelist Marilynne Robinson speaks of her childhood in Idaho, where the word lonesome describes a sacred state of solitude that enlivened the mind and quickened the senses.[3] If loneliness were merely a physical problem, surely proximity to other human beings would be sufficient to mitigate its most severe effects. In fact, social proximity has left the problem of loneliness in our society largely untouched. Why? In a word, because we’re treating spiritual symptoms in purely physical terms. If we want to confront the challenge of loneliness that’s wreaking such havoc in our culture, we must go to its spiritual roots—namely, our estrangement from Christ. 

    The Foundation of Relational Spirituality  

    In Conformed to His Image, I argue, “In the deepest sense, Christianity is not a religion but a relationship that is born out of the trinitarian love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.”[4] In a time of great loneliness, fear, and isolation, we would all do well to dwell on the nature of God’s love for us: “God’s loyal love for us is causeless (Romans 5:6), measureless (5:7-8), and ceaseless (5:9-11).”[5] Such abundant love is a mystery in the deepest sense of that word—namely, it’s a reality that exceeds our full comprehension. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that understanding the matter permanently evades us. Rather, it means that we can never plumb the depths of God’s love for us. No time is ever wasted on contemplating the extravagance of our Lord’s love for us. 

    Because He first loved us, we must begin by dwelling on God’s love and then learn to see ourselves and others in the light of it. If we fail to acknowledge the initiating action of God’s love toward us, we cannot love properly. If it’s possible to be lonely on a crowded train, in a busy office, in a church, or in a marriage, it’s also possible for God to transform our loneliest moments into times of profound intimacy. This doesn’t mean that all sadness is immediately eradicated from our lives, but it does mean that a vital relationship with our Lord grants us the stability of resting in His love rather than constantly depending on others for affirmation and fulfillment. At its heart, loneliness is a spiritual problem, and as such, the only way to address it is to address the most important relationship in our lives. Treating physical symptoms alone will offer temporary relief at best and ongoing despair at worst. 

    How do we prioritize our relationship with Christ? Ours is an age obsessed with methodology and technique. For this reason, we’re more inclined to read books or listen to podcasts about the Bible, prayer, and church than we are to actually read God’s word, pray daily, and serve in our local congregations. Precisely because we’re at a moment of spiritual crisis in our culture. However, we must go back to basics. In short, if we want to cultivate a vibrant relationship with our Savior, we must recover the time-tested practices that have served God’s people down the ages. We must read our Bibles and commit generous portions to memory. 

    To those who object that memorization doesn’t come easily to them, call to mind the vast amounts of song lyrics, movie quotes, and other pop culture trivia that most of us carry around in our heads. We remember what we choose to dwell on. Sometimes, that’s a sobering thought. The problem is often that our imaginations have been nourished more by the wider culture than by Christ, His word, and His people. For those of us who follow Christ, prayer must be as routine as brushing one’s teeth. If that statement runs the risk of trivializing something as profound as prayer, let’s also guard against the tendency to elevate our spiritual lives into irrelevance. If prayer is difficult, pray God’s word, starting with the Psalms. In God’s word, we have all we need, whether it involves words of praise or lament. Finally, we must return to the pews and do more than be consumers of “spiritual goods and services”—Eugene Peterson’s pungent phrase. We must be active members in our local congregations, serving others, and helping to clean up the many messes, ours included. People are messy, but we serve a good God whose church prevails in spite of our shortcomings. In sum, start addressing your relationship with Christ by reading His word, praying, and attending church. Basic as all these practices may seem, they are in desperate need of recovery.   

    If all of these practices are integral to one’s life, loneliness will cease to be an all-consuming problem. Naturally, we live in a fallen world and will continue struggling with aspects of loneliness. But we will no longer be in bondage to it. The tragic attempt to treat a spiritual malady in purely physical terms is a recipe for frustration and, ultimately, despair. By prioritizing our relationship with Christ, we will be liberated to love ourselves and others well because He first loved us.   

     [1] Thomas Wolfe, The Complete Short Stories of Thomas Wolfe ed. Francis E. Skipp (New York: Scribner, 1989), 492.
    [2]Available online: https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health#:~:text=Loneliness%20%E2%80%9Ccan%20have%20serious%20mental,memory%20issues%20and%20even%20death.%E2%80%9D
    [3] Marilynne Robinson, When I Was a Child I Read Books (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2012), 88.
    [4] Ken Boa, Conformed to His Image: Biblical, Practical Approaches to Spiritual Formation (Revised Edition) (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Academic, 2020), 16.
    [5] Ibid., 14.
    Photo Credit:  Image created using DALL.E 2024  AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.

    Kenneth Boa equips people to love well (being), learn well (knowing), and live well (doing). He is a writer, teacher, speaker, and mentor and is the President of Reflections Ministries, The Museum of Created Beauty, and Trinity House Publishers.

    Publications by Dr. Boa include Conformed to His Image, Handbook to Prayer, Handbook to Leadership, Faith Has Its Reasons, Rewriting Your Broken Story, Life in the Presence of God, Leverage, and Recalibrate Your Life.

    Dr. Boa holds a B.S. from Case Institute of Technology, a Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, a Ph.D. from New York University, and a D.Phil. from the University of Oxford in England. 

    Cameron McAllisterCameron McAllister is the director of content for Reflections Ministries. He is also one half of the Thinking Out Loud Podcast, a weekly podcast about current events and Christian hope. He is the co-author (with his father, Stuart) of Faith That Lasts: A Father and Son On Cultivating Lifelong Belief. He lives in the Atlanta area with his wife and two kids.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

    Dr. Kenneth Boa and Cameron McAllister

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  • A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

    A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

    As someone who was bullied in middle school, I am well aware of the negative effects of bullying and how it can affect a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Bullying needs to end because it only causes harm to the person who is being bullied—no good comes from tearing someone else down, even if it builds a bully’s false sense of ego. Despite it being impossible to say bullying will be eradicated from society anytime soon, it’s vital that Christians stand up against this hurtful behavior. In everything we do, we need to glorify God in our actions and He would never stand for bullying.

    The way Christians must respond to bullying is by taking a bold stand against it. It is terrible that bullying still exists in the modern day; however, it is something that is in existence because of sin (and has only been enhanced thanks to today’s technology). As long as sin is in the world, bullying will continue. I mentioned above that I encountered bullying in middle school. I was bullied in the sixth grade and this caused my mother to take me out of public school. My older sisters were also bullied in public school in previous years so my mother also took them out of public school and homeschooled them too.

    I was bullied because of my appearance and my weight. The latter was one of the many factors that caused me to develop anorexia. My thought pattern consisted of thinking that if I lost weight, nobody could make fun of me anymore, nor could they bully me. Though this line of logic was obviously wrong, it’s hard to change the mind of a preteen teenager.

    Thankfully, being homeschooled got rid of the bullying, but I’m not sure how much worse the bullying could have gotten if I had stayed in public school. If you were bullied at school, or any other point in life, know that what the bully did to you was wrong. They had no right to hurt you in that way, nor did they have any right to cause you pain. Oftentimes, we feel it is our fault for being bullied because we make ourselves an “easy target,” but this isn’t true because no one deserves to be ridiculed. 

    There is an excessive need for bullying to stop. Even though I’m not in school anymore, there is still bullying going on in public schools, private schools, colleges, and in the real world. Sadly, there is no timeline for bullying as even adults bully others in the workplace and relationships. As Christians, we need to do all we can to help cease bullying, or at the very least take a stance against it in our personal lives.

    If you have been bullied or someone close to you has been bullied, you know how much you want justice to prevail and for the bully to be held accountable for their actions. This is why we shouldn’t sit on the sidelines any longer. We must stand against bullying in our words and actions. This means that we cannot sit idle or believe it is just a children’s game when it comes to bullying. As mentioned, full adults can be bullies (and are often the grown-up versions of the kids who bullied us in school). 

    What Would Jesus Do?

    When discussing how we as Christians should respond, we need to look at the example of Jesus. While it is true that Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, it doesn’t mean He says it’s okay for people to walk all over us. Rather, Jesus wants us to stand up for our safety and the well-being of others. If we see someone being bullied, Jesus wants us to come to their side and help them. In the same way, if we are being bullied, we don’t need to turn a deaf ear. If someone is bullying you now, you need to notify a parent, a teacher, or a boss. Tell someone in an authority position what is going on so you have them as support. 

    If it is a legal matter, such as being harassed or bullied on the streets, notify the police. Over the past year, I have had to fill out more police reports than I can count. On my daily walk, I’ve been having teenage boys drive by in cars screaming at me and looping back several times to blow their horns and scream at me more. It’s very stressful and scary, to say the least. Despite being an adult, I still face bullying.

    In these situations, we have to think of what Jesus would do. While Jesus would show mercy and forgiveness, He also wants justice to prevail. If someone is bullying a person and hurting them, justice requires that the wrongdoer pay for their actions. God is a God of justice and He wants to see justice given to those who have been hurt. If you are someone who has been bullied or is experiencing bullying right now, know that justice will prevail. Inform everyone of the bullying. Bullies want to make us feel alone or without hope, but this isn’t true. We have hope in God and in the people God has placed in our lives.

    Don’t keep silent. Use your voice and speak up. Don’t be afraid to tell the police, the principal, or your boss about the bullying that is going on. If you are someone who knows their loved one is being bullied, speak up for them. Tell an authority figure what is going on because nothing will change if nothing is said. 

    Our voices are weapons, and we can use them for good. We have to tell authority figures about what is going on in order for the bullying to stop. As I have done with contacting the police and filling out police reports, you can do the same. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or to speak up for others. If you don’t do anything, the bullying will only continue. If you speak up and say something to an authority figure, they will be able to make the bully stop or even remove them from the situation altogether. 

    What Can We Do As Christians

    As Christians, there is much we can do. God wants the bullying to stop, and He can give you the strength to speak up for yourself and others. God has also protected you in many ways from bullies, both in the spiritual and physical world, you haven’t noticed yet. He is always watching over you, and He will keep you safe.

    This is something we all need to remind ourselves when we are faced with bullies. Even though our bullies might look big and intimidating, they are only humans like us. God is more powerful and more strong than any bully. We can always count on God to have our backs, and He will give us the victory. Just as David defeated Goliath, the Lord will help us defeat the Goliaths in our lives (1 Samuel 17:50-53). 

    The first step to doing this is to speak up and talk to someone about it. It might be scary at first, but understand that talking to an authority figure will help the bullying stop. As Christians, we need to do all we can to stop bullying and make sure that we know what to do when it personally affects us. Through educating ourselves and others on bullying, we will be able to help more people who have been affected by bullying. Not to mention, we could also help prevent many people from ever being bullied in the first place. As Christians, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, which often looks like doing everything we can to stop bullying. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty-Motortion

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

    Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

    We had a showdown at MC Wholesale the other day. Pull out the tumbleweeds and gun fire and we would’ve had a fight. 

    This wasn’t any argument. It was an argument over a $5 piece of technology my husband desperately pleaded he needed. To him it was a need. I called it a want or desire.

    After being asked 35 times with the word “please,” I hung my head in defeat. “I’m not going to lose my marriage over a stupid piece of equipment,” I remarked. “Go get it,” I relented. “Only if you’re okay with it,” my husband replied. I wasn’t, but I obliged. I hadn’t given up my mind. After two hours of arguing in the store, however, I realized it wasn’t worth it.

    As much as I didn’t want my husband to buy that piece of technology I would call junk, the fact was this: my husband isn’t the enemy. I suspect that yours (or your spouse or significant other isn’t the enemy either).

    Did I realize that while talking heatedly in the store? Absolutely not. Did I realize it later and regret some choice words said? Yes. Perhaps my mishap in the store can prevent you from your own.

    Here are two things I learned:

    1. Check Your Priorities

    For me, this entire situation began long before Ben saw this “beautiful piece of technology” he just had to have. It didn’t matter to me that it was “worth $1000,” “a stellar deal,” or could “just sit quietly in the basement.” What mattered was that any clutter stresses me out and makes me anxious. 

    Growing up in a home fragmented by abuse, chaos, and pain has often made stuff the enemy. It’s not that stuff did anything to me, but it was always present in my trauma.

    Piles of laundry remind me of long days and longer nights with my mom. Doing all the chores ourselves without a helping hand.

    Paper and piles remind me of overdue bills and hectic grocery trips. Did we have enough money or did someone spend it all? Could we afford to use the AC, or would we need to spend another night using the windows?

    Misplaced items we didn’t need or have room for remind me of extravagant things people would bring into our home that we clearly couldn’t afford. They remind me of someone trying to buy my love when all I really wanted was their time.

    So as Ben and I left the store and sat in the car, I thought about my priorities. He knew the concerns I’d voiced about clutter and anxiety, and I knew his. But I had to trust him and prioritize our relationship over being right or wrong in this disagreement. As my Grandma Memo often quotes, “Sometimes, agreeing to disagree,” is the healthiest and best thing you can do in that moment. It may very well still be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it can help table the conversation until later when both parties are in a better headspace. 

    2. Check Your Heart

    The second thing this incident revealed to me is stated in the title but worth noting and explaining.

    When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.

    In this particular situation, both my husband and I exemplified habits and said things we wished we hadn’t. There were many things that would’ve been better than how we handled it. Can you relate? We’re almost a year into marriage and still learning a lot. I figure I’ll be learning my entire life. But one thing I felt Christ tell me was, “Your husband isn’t the enemy.” I needed to check my heart. Do you?

    So many arguments in our lives could be prevented if we immediately took them to Christ before responding. Did I do this as soon as Ben and I disagreed? No. Did I do it fifteen minutes later? Yes. What did God tell me? To listen, have grace, and recognize the true enemy.

    Friend, no matter the situation, argument, or unpleasant circumstance you may be dealing with, I guarantee you that the person, place, or thing, isn’t the enemy. We all know that Satan is declared a liar, a thief, and someone who seeks to destroy us. Satan‘s goal is to distract us from Christ by making those around us the enemy. As Christians, we have to be wiser and smarter than that. 

    Scripture tells us that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10). If Satan can turn our friends, family, world, leaders, and nations into the enemy, then he’s already won. Don’t let him.

    Take Your Heart to Christ

    I’m not saying that what someone did to you is right or wasn’t a sin. We live in a fallen world with broken people who do and say things they shouldn’t all of the time. The abuse, manipulation, and pain that you’ve experienced are real and heartbreaking. That physical or mental trauma matters—because you matter.

    What I am saying is that before we respond to situations, we need to think. We need to make sure that our priorities and our hearts are right and not right in the sense of the world, but right in the sense of being aligned with Christ and what the Scriptures say. Why? Because doing so can prevent heartache, words spoken too soon, and reactions based on emotions rather than fairness.

    I’m an emotional person. I’ve experienced tragedy, heartache, heartbreak, trauma, and pain. But I’m learning to realize those around me aren’t the enemy. I hope this post can encourage you to learn and do the same. 

    It’s not going to be easy. It’s also not a one-and-done process. Remember, there are no quick fixes or simple answers in this life. But over time, as we allow the Spirit to work in and through us, it’s worth it.

    The next time you’re in a heated room and you feel yourself growing antsy, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What are my priorities, and have I checked my heart?” Your husband, significant other, best friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, teacher, professor, boss, you name it, isn’t the enemy. And he will do anything and everything to convince you that he isn’t. Stand on guard. Know who the bad guy really is and call him out—not those you love.

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • A Marriage Checklist for Christians

    A Marriage Checklist for Christians

    If you are dating or engaged, thoughts about marriage are bound to pass through your mind. It’s good to ask questions about whether or not you are ready. Take your time thinking about them because they will help you considerably. Most importantly, talk with God about your thoughts and be honest with Him. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready for marriage right away or unsure if you’re with “the one.” Take your time and see where God leads. 

    Read through this checklist to ensure you’re doing all you can to follow God’s lead in marriage:

    Are You Consulting God? 

    Consulting with God is the best thing to do when you are unsure about whether you are ready or not for marriage. Marriage is a huge step and something that should not be taken lightly. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the eyes of God. Once you are married to someone, you both become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). As we can see, this is a huge commitment and one that endures throughout our lives. 

    This is why you must make sure you really know a person and want to spend your life with them. Divorce is only biblical if your spouse is unfaithful to you or abuses you (Matthew 5:32). Abuse goes against God’s design for marriage as detailed by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:22-33). You shouldn’t divorce someone just because you are tired of them or you aren’t attracted to them anymore. Keep this in mind when you are considering marriage because it is a lifelong commitment and can be hard in certain seasons.

    Go to God with all of your worries, fears, and concerns. If you are unsure about marriage right now, tell God about it. If you are really excited to get married right now, tell God about that too. It is normal to feel nervous and scared at times to take this next big step, but it is also important to know that if you are marrying the right person you should feel safe and secure with them. If you are having doubts, it is important to bring them up to the Lord.

    Ask the Lord to help you figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. He will use the Word to help point you in the right direction. If you are ready for marriage and are with the right person, it will be made known to you. However, if it is too soon for you to get married or if you are with the wrong person, God will also make that known to you. God wants you to be happy and sometimes that means waiting a little bit longer. 

    This does not mean you have to end things with your partner; however, it does mean maybe you should take things a bit slower. If you have only recently met, it might be best to wait a little while longer before you start talking about marriage. However, if you have been dating for a while and truly know each other, love each other, and are willing to commit to each other, then it’s good to go ahead and start thinking about marriage. God will give you clarity if you ask Him. 

    Are You Talking with Trusted Believers and Heeding Their Advice? 

    It’s also important to talk with other trusted believers when you are trying to answer the question of whether you are ready for marriage or not. They can be a great unbiased resource to help point you in the right direction. Not only this, but they will also be able to pray for you and ask God to make His will known to you. Trusted believers will be able to help you answer these hard questions, and if they are truly your friends, they won’t be afraid to give you their honest opinions.

    If you are relatively young, know that marriage is not a race. Trusted Christians in your life will also help remind you of this truth. If you are a teenager, know that it might be best to wait a few years before you decide to get married. It’s wise to wait and truly know the person before you commit your life to them. While many people might see this as restrictive, it is extremely helpful. Take your time and don’t feel like you have to marry the first person you meet. 

    Consult with trusted believers and listen to their input. Be open-minded and do not allow pride to get in the way of truly hearing them out. Older and wiser Christians will be able to help you in ways that your own thoughts cannot. You have to be willing to listen to them and truly think about what they are telling you. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it should not be something that is rushed into.  

    Are You Being Open with Your Partner? 

    In order to know if you are ready for marriage, you need to be open with your partner. If you are engaged and are having doubts, be open with them about it. Maybe you are worried about something in their past or you are afraid of something in your own past. If you are already engaged, this should be a sign that your partner really cares about you and wants to spend their life with you. If you know their love is unwavering, you shouldn’t be afraid to share your worries and concerns.

    Don’t downplay this or make this less important than it is. If you are going to marry them, they should be a Christian, which means they should treat you and love you as Jesus treats and loves the Church. If the person you are dating or engaged to is not a believer, then it is time to end the relationship.

    Is the Person a Christian Who Loves Jesus? 

    The Bible is clear that marriage should only be between one male believer and one female believer. As a Christian, you are commanded not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). I mention this point because there are many Christians who marry unbelievers, and their marriages are broken because both people aren’t built upon God. If your marriage is not built upon God, it will fall.

    You need to marry a believer because only a Christian will be able to lead you in the Lord, love you as Jesus loves the Church, and truly want the best for you as you grow in your relationship with the Lord. An unbeliever will not be able to help you grow in your walk with Christ nor will they love you as Jesus loves the Church. Choose to only date believers, and this will ensure you are marrying someone you are truly compatible with in life, love, and faith. 

    Marriage is a beautiful thing and it gives you the opportunity to serve Christ through your marriage. Consult God, talk with other trusted believers, and be open with your significant other. Between all these things, you will be able to know if you are ready for marriage. 

    Photo Credit: ©Sandy Millar/Unsplash

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

    How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

    Have you ever loaned money to a friend with a promise of repayment, but the debt was never satisfied? Or perhaps you sold an item but didn’t receive the money you were due? As a matter of justice, we want accounts to be kept. We want others to pay what they owe.

    One of my first jobs involved debt collection. Thankfully, I didn’t work for a sleazy agency that harassed poor people who had no money. Instead, I worked for a corporation that sold products and called other businesses to remind them about overdue invoices. Many times, people appreciated the nudge and paid their bills. In these cases, the company could continue to buy products and services in a mutually beneficial business relationship.

    When the company did not pay the debt, however, it could no longer purchase products. The business relationship was broken.

    The debt of sin breaks relationships, too.

    I remember my broken heart in third grade when my best friend said something mean. I hid and cried all through recess. That relationship never recovered. Little did I know life would grow more difficult. A few years later, my father’s neglect and my parents’ divorce damaged my family and skewed future adult relationships.

    Since then, I’ve endured much worse offenses. I cannot think of any sin more painful than an attack against an innocent person I love. Must I forgive? And how could I possibly restore the relationship? What if the offender’s not sorry? I’ve wept and wrestled with these questions as I sought to imitate Jesus. In the process, I’ve learned more about what forgiveness is—and is not.

    The First Broken Relationship 

    Before Adam and Eve sinned, they enjoyed perfect fellowship with God. They walked and talked with Him in a transparent relationship. God revealed Himself to them, and they hid nothing from Him. The Bible says, “The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25 NLT).

    When Adam and Eve sinned, their seamless connection with God was torn. Fear gripped them because they owed God a debt for their transgression, but they had no way to pay. Just as monetary debts do not disappear when a person physically dies, the spiritual death of Adam and Eve did not cancel their obligation to God. The debt of sin passed down through generations and still torments people today.

    In His infinite mercy, God provided a temporary solution for the growing debt of His people. He accepted the sacrifice of animals to cover their sins. Later, God sent His Son, Jesus, to accept the penalty so people would no longer need to offer animals. His death on the cross paid off the entire crushing balance of sin for all people. If you have trusted Jesus for salvation, then your debt of sin is paid in full.

    We must never forget the sacrifice of His Son cost Father God dearly. He and Jesus had always enjoyed perfect unity since before time began. They, along with the Holy Spirit, are one. If you are a parent of a child who’s been hurt, you can understand a small taste of Father God’s anguish as He watched evil people torture and kill His innocent Son.

    God’s Command

    While Jesus lived on earth, He taught us to pray to God about our sins. He instructed us to say, “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And do not lead us into temptation” (Luke 11:4 NASB).

    Jesus showed us a pattern to follow regarding sin. When we disobey God, we should repent and ask for pardon. In response, He washes away guilt and restores us to a right relationship with Him. This pattern carries over into our relationships with others. If someone offends us, they should show remorse and ask for our forgiveness. Following God’s example, we forgive their debt to us (Colossians 3:13).

    The Burden of Unforgiveness

    What happens when someone can’t—or won’t—ask for forgiveness? Or perhaps they say they’re sorry, but then continue to commit the same sin. Peter posed this critical question to Jesus when he asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21 NLT). Essentially, Peter wanted to know when his responsibility to forgive ended.

    When we neglect or refuse to forgive the sins of others, we become like a collection agency. The debt of their sin weighs us down with an obligation to make them pay. At first, we may relish the prospect of extracting restitution from the person who wronged us.

    Over time, though, the task of debt collection grows burdensome. When the offender does not meet our expectations, our hearts harden toward them. If we continue the relationship, resentment may seep in. A feeling of superiority—pride—follows close on the heels of resentment. Over time, bitterness develops and gives Satan a foothold in our lives. The weight of the debt prevents us from obeying God’s mandate to love this offending neighbor as ourselves.

    Jesus answered Peter’s question about how often to forgive: “’No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:22 NLT). I can imagine Peter’s heart must have plummeted when he heard these words. Impossible!

    Seventy times seven is a figure of speech that means no limits. Jesus intends for us to forgive the coworker who gossips behind our back every day. The neighbor who bothers us with loud parties. The jealous sibling who always stirs up trouble. The spouse who broke vows. And even the person who victimized a loved one. This elevated standard of forgiveness would be impossible without the help of God’s Spirit.

    Forgiveness means giving up our claim against the person who sinned against us. Depending on the nature of the offense, a pardon may also include the restoration of a broken relationship. When restoration is reasonable and safe, trust must be earned.

    While reunification may not be possible or prudent in every instance, God always wants us to forgive.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/seb_ra

    6 Steps in the Process of Forgiveness

    Empowered by the Holy Spirit within us, we can release control of debt collection to God and forgive every offense.

    1. Meditate on the suffering and death Jesus endured to forgive all sins. 

    Picture yourself at the foot of the cross of Jesus. Remember, the blood He shed covers every person’s transgressions, including the ones that hurt you. Ultimately, offenses are, first and foremost, against God. But we often get caught in the crossfire of sin. Let’s not shortchange the value of Jesus’ extreme sacrifice with a refusal to apply His shed blood to every sin we’ve suffered at the hands of others.

    Here’s a link you could use on this topic: https://annieyorty.com/gods-person/the-crossfire-of-sin/

    2. With God, lament the offense you’ve suffered.

    In this necessary step, pour out your heart to God about the full scope of the sin against you. If the offense is minor, this process may be quick and easy. But life-changing hurts can take more time as you talk to God about the tendrils of pain that have crept into every area of your life. This is not the time to minimize or excuse. Be honest with Him about the effects of the other person’s actions on your life. If you think of the offense as a plant, you want to apply the power of Jesus’ sacrifice not only to the leaves and fruit, but also all the way down to the deepest root.

    3. In prayer, turn the responsibility of debt collection for sins against you over to Jesus.

    As the One who paid the penalty, He may choose if and when to exact payment from the offender. Thank Jesus for relieving you of the weight of this responsibility.

    4. Release the person who sinned against you from their debt.

    In your own words and in the presence of Jesus, follow this pattern:

    [Name of person], I choose to forgive and release you for [name the offense]. I will no longer expect you to repay me in any way. This offense is now between you and God. I trust Him to deal with you according to His wisdom, justice, and mercy.

    5. Speaking again to God, express your desire for God’s best for the person who has hurt you.

    Jesus said, “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:28 NLT). If you struggle to bless the offender, ask God to give you faith to trust and obey Him. He gives power to see the person who sinned against you through His eyes of love and compassion.

    6. Conclude in prayer with gratitude for the mercy God has shown to you.

    Dear Father God, I’m grateful for Your tender mercy toward me. Through Jesus, I have forgiveness for my own sins. You also carry the burden of offenses committed against me so my life won’t be controlled by bitterness and malice. You give me comfort and peace when I come to You. I trust You to bring justice to my situation in Your perfect timing, so I’ll turn over the offender’s debt to Your capable hands. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Live Unburdened

    God’s forgiveness of our sins is always complete and lasting. But our forgiveness of others may sometimes need to be renewed. If old feelings resurface, we may once again feel the weight of unforgiveness. At these times, we can run to God and regain inner peace by going through the steps of forgiveness again.

    Whether the offender is sorry or not, this process of forgiveness allows us to exchange the burden of exacting justice for the peace of God. We can trust Him to handle every offense against us.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/evgenyatamanenko

    Writer Annie YortyAnnie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram.

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  • Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

    Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

    Abuse comes in different forms. While we easily recognize the patterns and evidence of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse proves more complex. 

    Emotional abuse involves a pattern of behavior that undermines another person’s self-esteem, sense of worth, and emotional well-being. It can manifest in several different ways but leaves no visible scars, making it a challenge to detect. However, the effects of emotional abuse lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming relationships. 

    At the core, abuse defiles the image of God given to every person at creation. Each human being has been made in God’s image, a special creation on this earth, and we should, therefore, treat that image with dignity and respect, no matter who a person is or what they’ve done. The image of God in every person pre-existed our actions and behavior, and this divine design within humanity forms the basis for God’s love and mercy for humanity. From this love, he seeks to redeem us back into a reconciled relationship with himself. 

    Whether emotional, physical, sexual, or religious, abuse brings violence to the image of God in a person. The Bible speaks against all abuse of authority, including the emotional. 

    What Bible verses address emotional abuse? 

    While not explicitly mentioned as “emotional abuse,” the Scripture addresses it through various verses emphasizing the importance of love, kindness, and respect for others. 

    Jesus dealt with how people treat others when teaching using the word “Raca,” a curse word, or “you fool.” Christ explains how religious leaders will punish people who use the curse word. Yet, if people curse another, saying simply, “You fool,” they are guilty of the same sin and subject to God’s judgment since all individuals have eternal value to God. 

    Ephesians 4:29 instructs believers to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Words possess power, and people have the responsibility to use uplifting language that encourages others rather than tears them down. Corrupt or abusive speech has no place in a believer’s life, and instead, they should speak kind and encouraging words.  

    Similarly, Colossians 3:19 addresses emotional abuse within marriage, instructing husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” In Christ, spouses must treat each other with gentleness and respect rather than harsh or demeaning language that can cause harm.  

    Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom on responding to conflict: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Problems will occur, yet believers should respond kindly rather than reacting with anger, hostility, or aggression. It encourages Jesus’ followers to approach conflicts with a spirit of gentleness and humility, seeking to constructively resolve disagreements.

    Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities stand in direct opposition to emotionally abusive behaviors such as manipulation, control, and verbal attacks. Instead, believers are called to draw upon the indwelling Spirit and cultivate these virtues in relationships, demonstrating love and respect toward others.

    What are the signs and elements of emotional abuse? 

    Emotional abuse may not have the same outward evidence, so we must learn to recognize the signs and examples of emotional abuse to address the harmful behavior. 

    Criticism appears as a key sign. This involves constant belittling, name-calling, or demeaning remarks to undermine a person’s self-confidence and sense of worth. For example, a partner who consistently criticizes their spouse’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities engages in emotional abuse. 

    This criticism brings us to the next sign, manipulation, which takes many forms, including gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using threats to control another’s behavior. A parent might manipulate their child by constantly threatening to withhold love or affection unless he or she meets certain demands and engages in emotional abuse. 

    Those who engage in emotional abuse seek to isolate others. This entails removing sources of support, such as friends, family, or social activities, to exert control. As an example, a parter who prevents their spouse from seeing friends or family members to limit access to outside perspectives and support.

    Emotional abuse often involves invalidating a person’s feelings and experiences. This can include dismissing their concerns, minimizing their emotions, or refusing to acknowledge their needs. For example, a boss who consistently ignores an employee’s complaints regarding workplace harassment engages in emotional abuse.

    For the net element, the abuser uses threats and intimidation to maintain control over a person, usually involving threats of physical violence or more subtle forms like menacing gestures. A caregiver who threatens to harm an elderly relative if they speak out about the abuse engages in emotional harm. 

    Another form of emotional abuse happens when controlling a person’s access to financial resources and using money to manipulate them. This includes withholding money, controlling access to bank accounts, or sabotaging the victim’s employment opportunities. For example, a partner who controls all household finances and refuses to allow the spouse any money independence. 

    Lastly, emotional abuse often involves blame-shifting and refusal to take personal responsibility. This can manifest through constantly shifting blame onto the victim, denying any wrongdoing, or refusing to apologize for hurtful behavior. A parent who blames their child for their own abusive behavior, claiming they provoked it, engages in emotional abuse.

    How can religion or the church be guilty of emotional abuse? 

    Since Christians are human, the Church can be guilty of emotional abuse when certain beliefs, practices, or teachings are used to manipulate, control, or harm individuals’ emotional well-being. While many churches strive to provide a supportive and nurturing environment, instances of emotional abuse still occur.

    One way churches engage in emotional abuse happens through leaders misusing their authority. Leaders who wield their influence in coercive or manipulative ways create an environment of fear, guilt, or shame among the congregation. These leaders use tactics like authoritarian rule, micromanagement of personal lives, or imposing strict or unreasonable moral standards under threat of ostracism or other punishment. Such tactics undermine people’s autonomy and self-worth, leading to emotional distress and dependency on the church for validation and approval.

    Certain scriptural interpretations perpetuate beliefs that contribute to emotional abuse. For example, teachings that emphasize submission to authority without question or condemning dissenting views foster a fearful and controlling community atmosphere. Doctrines that emphasize sin, guilt, and punishment without offering grace, forgiveness, and redemption exacerbate feelings of shame and unworthiness.

    Finally, the culture and dynamics within a church community also play a significant role in perpetuating emotional abuse. Toxic church cultures characterized by gossip, judgmental attitudes, and exclusionary practices create an environment of fear and mistrust among members. This leads to social ostracism, bullying, or emotional manipulation, particularly for those who deviate from the perceived norms or expectations of the community.

    How can Christians avoid emotional abuse? 

    We avoid emotional abuse by following the Lord Jesus Christ’s example and adhering to his principles of love, kindness, and compassion. Here are several ways Christians promote a culture of emotional health and well-being within their communities. 

    1. Cultivate a culture of love and acceptance. Jesus calls us to love one another as he loved us (John 13:34-35). This means accepting others unconditionally, regardless of their background, beliefs, or behaviors. By fostering a culture of love and acceptance, we create spaces where individuals feel valued, respected, and supported.
    2. Practice empathy and compassion. Christ demonstrated empathy and compassion towards hurting or marginalized people (Matthew 9:36). We follow his example by actively listening to others, validating their feelings, and offering support and encouragement during distressing times. 
    3. Speak words of encouragement and affirmation. Proverbs 16:24 teaches, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Words have power, and we properly use words to build others up and speak life to them and their circumstances. Offering encouraging, affirming, and thankful words uplift the spirits of those who struggle and provide them hope for the future. 
    4. Create safe spaces for vulnerability and authenticity. Romans 12:15 encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we create these safe spaces within our communities, individuals feel comfortable expressing emotions, sharing struggles, and seeking support without fear of judgment or condemnation.  
    5. Provide pastoral care and counseling. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) Problems and abuses will occur, and churches should offer pastoral care and counseling to those experiencing emotional distress or difficult circumstances. We can be part of the healing instead of perpetuating the problem. Providing a listening ear, offering guidance and support, and connecting people with further resources make a significant difference in healing. 
    6. Practice forgiveness and reconciliation. Ephesians 4:32 urges us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The Bible continually tells us to forgive others, which we couldn’t do unless someone hurt us. Unforgiveness becomes a toxin within our hearts, so we promote emotional health and well-being through practicing forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships. Extending grace and forgiveness to those who have wronged us breaks the cycle of hurt and bitterness, enabling us to restore wholeness.  
    7. Recognize and Call Out Abuse. From Matthew 21:12-13: “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.’” We must all be on guard against emotional abuse, and all abuse. The faith community should be a place where the image of God is valued and dignified, and when abuse occurs, we must address people and situations with love and grace, offering restoration and repentance while standing against and decrying the abuse. 

    By following these principles, we promote healthy emotional communities in which we value all people and offer hope and love to those who are hurting or in need. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/seb_ra

    Britt Mooney lives and tells great stories. As an author of fiction and non -iction, he is passionate about teaching ministries and nonprofits the power of storytelling to inspire and spread truth. Mooney has a podcast called Kingdom Over Coffee and is a published author of We Were Reborn for This: The Jesus Model for Living Heaven on Earth as well as Say Yes: How God-Sized Dreams Take Flight.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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    Britt Mooney

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  • 7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

    7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

    My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke about the fact that our parents even let us get married at such an early age. Why did they let us go through with such a big decision? We had no idea what we were doing. Not that many newlyweds do.

    Mostly, we had no idea how different we were. My husband and I are total opposites in almost every way; we are not compatible on paper, at all.

    Yet we’ve done the work to make our marriage work.

    Now, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked about the secret to making a marriage last between two opposite personalities.

    For us, a happy marriage is not so much a list of dos and don’ts, but it is a few postures and decisions we’ve chosen to adapt as marital values. Here are a few:

    1. Grab a Hold of Jesus’ Forgiveness

    Elizabeth Elliot was thought to have said something like, “A happy marriage is made up of two people who forgive each other for the rest of their lives.” Marriage between two limited, imperfect human beings requires a whole heckuva lot of forgiveness.

    And often — just being honest here — we don’t have that in us. Because of our pride or anger or human selfishness, it can be easy to hold grudges rather than choose grace. So, this is when we need to access Jesus’ unending forgiveness.

    This is when we need to posture ourselves before God and ask for help, “Jesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today, because you have forgiven me so much.”

    Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” This posture of forgiveness is crucial to embrace for a happy, lasting marriage.

    2. Have Fun, Be Playful, Laugh a Lot

    As I said, my hubs and I are opposites. We don’t enjoy the same activities. We don’t ever want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On paper, we are actually totally wrong for each other.

    But we are intentional about laughing together. Scripture reminds us that laughter is good medicine, good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22), and it’s just as true in the heart of a marriage.

    A couple who can laugh together can have fun together — and that’s a meaningful way to make life’s burdens lighter together.

    3. Choose Self-sacrifice

    “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). This Scripture, along with others like it, is the real work of love and marriage.

    In public, as in private, honor one other. Put the other first. Lay down each other’s lives — in the big sacrifices and the small ones — so that you are truly putting on a posture of love.

    Choose selflessness every moment you can. This can be hurtful if both spouses aren’t posturing themselves towards self-sacrifice. But if each of you is committed to that — what a beautiful picture of love you’ll display to each other and to the world around you.

    4. Know That Different Isn’t Bad

    In marriage, especially as the years go on, it can be so easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse — especially if you are different from one another.

    One of you might be future-oriented, while the other is in the moment, but the stories you tell yourself in that difference are where the work of marriage really comes in.

    If you begin to place a value on your differences, if you begin to assume that your spouse is bad or has shortcomings simply because he or she is different than you, your marriage will never thrive. We must remember again and again that different isn’t bad.

    In fact, our differences can be gifts that help sharpen and shape the other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse get negative or harmful.

    5. Get Help

    Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. There is no shame, in fact, there is only wisdom in seeking guidance from a wise counselor, especially when the pain and conflict in marriage is too much to bear. Go often. Go every few years. Get help.

    Therapy saves marriages. Period. As the sage of Proverbs said, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise person is the one who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).

    6. Repair Matters

    Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system has calmed down after a fight, and when you are both in a more peaceful emotional place — that is the moment to do the work of active listening, of emotional repair, and of healing.

    Especially for couples who tend to be opposites, it’s worth scheduling intentional time for repair after a conflict, and even worth pausing the conflict in the moment if you are getting too heated.

    The way you have conflict and repair that conflict’s damage matters as much as, if not more, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive each other. We do this best through intentional, ongoing emotional repair.

    7. The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It

    This posture will save many marriages. If we aren’t careful, we can tend to believe the lie that we married the wrong person or that someone else — someone more like us — would make us happy.

    But the marriage that we invest in, is the one that blossoms and grows. Make bids for affection, date, choose each other. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.

    I definitely don’t believe in any silver bullets for a successful marriage, but I do believe in a few postures — a few stances — that will help make a marriage between opposites last — and make it last with success and joy.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of the podcast, Nothing is Wasted. She is the author of Big Feeling Days, The Louder Song, Overcomer, and her newest release, Known. Find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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    Aubrey Sampson

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  • What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

    What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

    Marriage versus domestic partnership can be a hot topic. Some people are okay with it, while others are not. With cohabitation becoming the norm and fewer people getting married, it’s no wonder this can be a confusing topic for most people. However, most people may not know that there are many things that marriage gives you that a domestic partnership doesn’t.

    Comprehensive Legal Recognition

    When people get married, both legal and federal governments recognize it.

    Tax Benefits

    Couples who are married can file their taxes jointly, thus potentially reducing their tax liability.

    Spousal Benefits

    When you get married, you automatically qualify for spouse benefits, including spousal Social Security, Medicare, public assistance, veteran’s military, and disability benefits.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Medical Decision Making

    By being recognized as a legal union, spouses can make health decisions regarding each other and visit each other in healthcare settings.

    Inheritance Rights

    Each spouse may inherit property from each other when one spouse dies.

    Immigration Sponsorship

    One spouse can sponsor or petition for immigration on their spouse’s behalf.

    Divorce Protection

    If you and your spouse should divorce, there are laws in place that govern how divorce works compared to the messiness of a breakup in a domestic partnership.

    Higher Life Expectancy

    Married people enjoy a longer life expectancy on average, possibly because they have a healthier lifestyle and are more content with their lives.

    Better Sleep

    Studies show that being in a lasting relationship and having a partner’s presence close by helps improve sleep quality. This could be because of better health, more normalized routines, and better financial security.

    Increased Sense of Companionship and Happiness

    We can feel connected and happy without being married, like when dating. However, married couples share the highest form of intimacy and companionship a person can share with someone.

    happy couple cooking together in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/South_agency

    Improved Health and Lifestyle

    There is a silent contract in marriages of understanding and compromise. This means compromising on certain habits that can affect your partner, like not smoking, so they aren’t inhaling your smoke or quitting fast food so as not to tempt your partner on their diet. It’s about focusing on the positive, like eating more home-cooked meals, exercising together, and doing other things to improve your health and lifestyle. Married people also have lower rates of drug and alcohol abuse.

    Less Stress and Depression

    Marriage is associated with a lower rate of symptoms of stress and depression. This is because married couples have more emotional support and readily available advice from friends, family, and professionals. Couples also share responsibilities in marriage, which can lead to emotional fulfillment and take away the stress compared to someone who lives alone.

    An Ideal Environment to Raise Children In

    Marriage gives couples the stability and confidence to raise children together. Children are most influenced by their parents, and those who come from married households have better social skills, academic performance, and overall development compared to those from divorced or unmarried-parent households. As a former daycare teacher, I can attest to how desperately children need to be in a household with a healthy marriage. I have seen so many angry, broken, and broken-hearted kids from divorced and single-parent households. Kids need stability in every area of their lives, especially at home.

    Positive Lifestyle Changes

    Over time, married people take on each other’s habits and mannerisms. One of you could be a spender, the other a saver, or one of you could lead a less active lifestyle while the other is very active. These opposite scenarios can lead to positive changes down the line.

    Physical Security

    Knowing that you have someone with whom to share life and responsibilities gives an extra layer of physical security.

    More Social Capital

    Both parties in a marriage benefit from social capital, meaning more access to social and cultural resources, better integration into communities, and improved social interactions.

    Prestige and Pride

    When couples get married, they have a sense of pride that reflects society’s perception of them and how society treats them. This also includes tangible benefits like club memberships, invitations to social events, etc.

    No Gift Tax

    Certain monetary gifts are subject to the gift tax. However, married people are exempt from tax regardless of the amount, as long as both are citizens of the country.

    No Estate Tax

    Individuals deal with estate tax after they pass away. If the money or assets left to someone in a will exceed a certain amount, estate tax comes into play. However, with married couples, one can leave as much money as they want to their spouse.

    Happy couple husband and wife planning

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Ippei Naoi

    Joint Accounts

    Opening a joint account with a spouse is a great way for both parties to stay on top of things financially. Both parties being able to see what’s in the account and having monthly finance meetings helps stop conflicts in their tracks and is a great way to build trust and loyalty with your spouse.

    Combined Credit Score

    Married couples can be eligible for more lucrative loans based on their combined credit score. This is especially helpful for those who have very low credit scores.

    Advantages in Mortgages

    When both people in a marriage work, pay their bills on time, and have a decent credit score, they have access to better mortgage deals than if they were to apply for a mortgage individually. Mortgage lenders prefer married couples because they are more apt to pay their entire mortgage.

    Social Security Payouts

    When a spouse passes away, the surviving spouse receives entitlement to survivor benefits. This is common in blue-collar jobs and the military. Besides death, a spouse can avail social security payouts in other circumstances, such as if one spouse becomes disabled (especially if it’s job-related) or cannot work because of serious health issues.

    Health Insurance

    Married couples typically get a plan to cover the whole family. In the meantime, one can list their spouse as a dependent.

    Low Rent and Cost of Living

    This is a given, but being married drastically cuts expenses compared to each of you living on your own.

    Emergency Room Benefits

    If your partner is involved in a serious accident or critical medical emergency, you will not be allowed to ride in the ambulance or be present in the emergency room or ICU. If you are a spouse, then you would have these privileges.

    Right to Sue Someone on the Deceased’s Behalf

    If your spouse is involved in a willful wrongdoing, you can sue the person or entity for wrongful death. Scenarios like this usually happen in blue-collar jobs or jobs that require intense physical involvement and risks.

    Last Rites and Funeral Arrangements

    Unless stated in their spouse’s will and testament, the spouse has complete authority to plan funeral arrangements. This includes whether to cremate or bury, and, in certain cases, spouses can sign off on things like organ and retina donation.

    Family Leave

    Married couples have the benefit of being eligible for different leave, including parental leave, caretaker leave of a sick spouse, and bereavement leave for the passing of a family member.

    couple moving in, living together before marriage

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Approval in the Eyes of God

    This is the most important benefit of all, being approved in the eyes of God. He instituted marriage as the only way to cohabitate as a couple for specific reasons and to help protect his children.

    Having a Prenup

    Agreeing to a prenup and formalizing it later is a great way for couples to guarantee a fair and judicial division of assets if they get divorced.

    A Solid Foundation

    You and your partner got married because you love each other and have built your relationship on the most solid foundation you can have: God. There is something there that binds you together compared to domestic relationships, which have less foundation and security.

    A Solid Support System

    Married couples have a more stable support system, including parents, brothers and sisters, and in-laws to help during difficult and stressful situations.

    Being a Christian couple in this day and age can be very difficult, with all the conflicting opinions on what is right and wrong out there. It’s very easy to get pressured by friends to go the simple route and do what everyone else is doing. Even our churches don’t always preach what is right, sometimes bending the truth as they see fit. It’s a scary and confusing time for Christian couples. The bottom line is, God gave us marriage and all the benefits of it for a reason. It’s protecting us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    People wonder why they are so confused with love, when our society has twisted love and intimacy into a casual, cheap thing. Our society has turned something wonderful, like marriage, into something horrible and stifling. Marriage has so many benefits over domestic partnerships that it’s worth it for people to take a second look, read their Bibles, and see marriage as God intended it to be.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

    Carrie Lowrance

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  • How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man . . . who is hitting on my wife a lot . . . the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her a secret.

    We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

    I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

    The married man has suggested he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he had a dream about her and she asked him “to be alone with her.” Perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her if she’s OK and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

    This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman:
    ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you’ve been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she’s experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk.” – N

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry about the turmoil this other man has caused. 

    He might as well have waved a flaming red flag when he insisted to Jennifer she should keep his texts a secret from you, her own husband. An obsession with secrecy signals the fact that this man knew his behavior was wrong but plowed on anyway.

    I’m glad your wife confided in you about what has been going on. Score one for the unity of your marriage!

    But since you sent me the note you composed for him, let’s focus on it.

    Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you employed conveys your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with him. 

    Understandable—since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church. 

    However, there are a couple of problems I foresee if you send the note as is. 

    Married Man, Walking with Your Wife?

    Let’s start with him asking your wife out on walks.

    If this man has been hitting on your bride, is it wise to unlock your front door and allow him to pick her up before he proceeds to stroll by her side? This behavior might fit what the Bible describes as little foxes spoiling the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). 

    What may seem to be little, innocent things—nothing to see here, just a couple of friends sauntering the neighborhood together—can eventually demolish not one, but two, marriages. 

    Let me explain. 

    Here comes a married man who wishes to spend alone time with your wife, with the possibility of him pouring out even more of his feelings and other personal matters to her. This setup can lead Jennifer to feel obligated to do likewise and open her heart up to him. 

    That’s just human nature. We tend to mirror the behavior we see in each other.

    Besides that, it’s also natural for things to progress. A mutual sharing of feelings will eventually draw them closer to each other. In time, what began as sharing emotional intimacy can morph into other kinds of intimacy, including the physical and sexual kind. Full-blown affairs often began when two individuals confided their hearts in each other.

    God forbid things will ever go that far with your wife and this man!

    Even so, it’s unwise to let anyone else develop emotional intimacy with you—or, in this case, Jennifer. Being too emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse may drive a wedge into your marriage.

    Which brings me to the second problem with the note you’re proposing.

    Action Steps

    By attempting to talk to your wife without your consent (since he asked her to keep their texts from you), he’s disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, as well as his own wife. Yet helping your wife—whether in person, through text messages, or anything else—is your responsibility. Not his.

    If Jennifer needs something, especially of an emotional nature, she can turn to you, the church, or female friends—like this guy’s wife. There’s no reason he should spend private time with your wife or repeatedly inquire if she’s okay when his wife can do the same thing.

    And even if there are problems in your marriage—a big “if”—it still doesn’t give license for this man to console your wife. 

    So, where do we go from here?

    Here are some ideas. Please pray over these recommendations with Jennifer first before communicating anything to this man. The Bible says, “One can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about conveying a firm “no” to this man, your unified resistance sends a strong message to the person to back off. 

    1. No Room for an Affair

    Let him know, in no uncertain terms, how his desire for your wife is not welcome—not by her, and certainly not by you. 

    2. No Room for Secrets

    You might need to confront him directly, with you explaining how inappropriate it is for him to isolate you from your own wife. In contrast, it’s not wrong for Jennifer to tell you what this guy has been up to. You and she are one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). Whenever he tells Jennifer something, in essence, he’s also telling you the same.

    Making no room for secrets might also mean making it clear to him how he has zero private access to your wife, including through digital means. Let’s restrict all communications through group texts only. No personal voice mail. No direct messaging on social media. No clandestine emails. And, a most definite no to the two of them spending time in person without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can include you (and his wife) in the loop.

    3. Make Room to Help

    If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: His marriage is in trouble.

    Which means it’s time for outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For instance, Focus on the Family runs a list of Christian therapists who are qualified for the job. 

    By you recommending this resource or pastoral counseling to him, you’re communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him walk out the process. 

    Aftermath 

    I can understand if the following question pops up after reading the above:

    What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?

    Certainly, there is no need to confront him huffing and puffing. Put up firm boundaries with this man, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Having said that, if your words provoke him to scowl and raise a big stink, that’s too bad—but still, the sanctity of your marriage comes first. Jesus taught us as much: “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP). 

    If you left behind everyone, including the two people who conceived you, in favor of Jennifer, who is this guy to wedge himself in the middle of your sacred union with her? 

    Besides, if you and Jennifer convey a clear message that neither of you is interested in her carrying out a secret relationship with this man, you’re exemplifying a righteous fight for your godly marriage. Your stance speaks volumes.

    Hopefully, it will inspire him to fight for his own.

    All the best to you and Jennifer!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

    Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

    Broken relationships are hard to manage. After a relationship has ended, it can be nearly impossible to repair. Many relationships might never be fully repaired, but complete healing is possible for others. It can take time and hard work, but if we really want to restore a relationship, we will put in the effort. We can see the greatest broken relationship repaired through the Lord coming down from Heaven to save us from our sins, redeem us, and repair our broken relationship with Him.

    A Repaired Relationship with God

    God repaired our broken relationship with Him by sending His Son to die for our sins. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, and sin came into the world. Ever since this time, humankind’s relationship with God has been broken. It is not repaired unless a person places faith in Jesus by believing He died for their sins, was buried, and rose again (1 Corinthians 15:1-4). The way to a repaired relationship with Jesus has been opened by Jesus dying for our sins, but it is up to us as individuals to accept it.

    The Lord went to great lengths to repair our relationship with the Father. Jesus is God Himself, the second member of the Trinity. This tells us God Himself left Heaven in order to save us from our sins and fix the relationship that we broke in the first place. As we can see, Jesus loves us deeply. He would not have gone to such extreme measures unless He truly wanted to repair our relationship with the Father.

    If you have not placed faith in Jesus yet, you have a broken relationship with Him. Unless you place faith in Him and accept Him as your Savior and Lord, you will continue to be separated from Him. While the decision is ultimately up to you, it is the most important decision you will make in your entire life. Many of us think picking out a college or career path is the most critical decision we will ever make, but this is not true. The most important decision you will ever make is if you choose to place faith in Jesus or not.

    Choosing your college or career path is important, but they do not impact your eternity. The only thing that affects your eternity is whether or not you placed faith in Jesus. The world tries to trick us into thinking other things are more important, but this is a tactic of Satan. Instead of always focusing on the present, try to look forward. Think about eternity and reflect on the truth that your fate is in your hands. Jesus came down from Heaven to repair our broken relationship with the Father, but it is up to us to accept this gift.

    Repairing Relationships with Others

    When talking about broken relationships, it is also essential to discuss the topic of repairing relationships with others. Maybe you and a friend had a falling out, you and your significant other are going through a hard time, or you are having family issues. Any of these things is enough to cause you pain, stress, and anxiety. Instead of ignoring the issue, try to address it. If you want to repair the relationship, it means you care about the person and are willing to put in effort to be close with each other again.

    If you have a broken relationship with a friend, discuss it with them. Don’t text them because that will give them an easy way just to ignore you. Call them, and if they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. If possible, schedule a time to meet in person and talk about what went wrong in the friendship. If you did something wrong, apologize and mean it. If you are giving a fake apology, your friend will be able to tell, which will only worsen things.

    Talk things out and truly listen to their side of the situation. It could be you did something to hurt them. Give them a chance to share their feelings, and do not pass judgment on them. If you really want to repair a relationship with a loved one, you will make the effort and take the incentive to do hard things. The same is true for a broken relationship with a significant other or a family member. Talk with them, allow them to express their feelings, and take the time to put in the effort.

    Your relationship might not be fixed overnight, but with time, effort, and energy, the relationship could be stronger than ever in the future. There is also the chance that the individual you are trying to fix things with will not want to see or talk to you. If this is true for you, respect their decision. Give them time, and don’t push them. They will let you know if they want to talk with you in the future.

    Working on a Relationship with Yourself

    Lastly, it is also important to work on a relationship with yourself. It could be you have a negative view of yourself or you are consumed with self-hate. This is not a healthy relationship with yourself. You should not hate yourself or have a bad view of yourself. God created you wonderfully and beautifully (Psalm 139:13-16).

    If you have a bad relationship with yourself, now is the perfect time to work on fostering a better view of yourself. Our relationships with ourselves can be one of the hardest ones we will encounter because most of us are not very nice to ourselves. Instead of being kind to ourselves, as we would to a friend, we tear down ourselves and say mean things to ourselves. This is something we have to stop doing if we are going to start having a better relationship with ourselves.

    Having a bad relationship with ourselves can manifest in mental health issues and physical health issues. Instead of allowing your mental health or physical health to take a hit, try to start working on your relationship with yourself today. Start being kinder to yourself and catch yourself before you say something mean to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critic, but we will have to let go of this if we are going to heal our relationship with ourselves.

    Many people might view this as cliche; however, it is very important to cultivate a healthy view and a healthy relationship with yourself. As mentioned, if you continue to be mean to yourself and say hurtful things to yourself, it will start impacting your actions. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” and “I’m too (fill in the blank)” will only leave you feeling terrible.

    These thoughts will lead you to action in the attempt to make these thoughts go away. If you have a bad relationship with yourself, no matter what you do, you will still think poorly of yourself. The problem is not with you, your body, your appearance, or your personality. The problem is the bad thoughts that you are feeding into. Choose to talk back to them and replace them with what God says.

    It will take time and effort, just like any other relationship, but it is worth it. You will always be you, which is why having a healthy relationship with yourself is important. Choosing to work on improving your relationship with yourself will benefit you in every area of life. You might even find that your relationship with God and others improves when you start working on having a better relationship with yourself.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/milan2099

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

    Vivian Bricker

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