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  • How Your Thoughts Might Be Sabotaging Your Relationships

    How Your Thoughts Might Be Sabotaging Your Relationships

    Have you ever heard a new phrase, song, or saying for the first time, and then you start hearing it everywhere over the course of the next few days or weeks? Or maybe you notice a sleek red car drive by that you’ve never seen before, and then you start seeing it in every parking lot. Or perhaps you learn about a house style while watching HGTV, and the next thing you know, you spot it all over your city or town? Could there really be an increase of people buying that sleek red car you noticed or that new style of house – or are you just more aware of it now?

    This is a concept that we refer to in psychology as frequency bias or frequency illusion, and it can happen with pretty much anything. The fancy name for this is the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. And if you’ve never heard of it before, there’s a good chance you will after today (see what I did there?). The main idea of this phenomenon is that the frequency of those things is not actually increasing, but simply your awareness of them. And that awareness changes everything. 

    There’s so much happening around you in one particular 24-hour period that it’s impossible for your brain to absorb it all. But when you bring your attention to something, which is generally called selective attention, you begin to note that specific thing more often. Your brain now tunes into it!

    Looking for Patterns

    So, what if we could apply this frequency bias to our thoughts? What if we could increase our awareness and begin seeing and understanding our thoughts in ways we didn’t before? What if we could tune in to our thinking patterns rather than just defaulting to our usual? The incredible thing is that we can. 

    In order to identify patterns, we have to have something to work with. To do that, I want you to take a moment and write down five to ten negative thoughts you’ve had in the last week (write down even more if you can think of them). It could be negative thoughts you’ve had about yourself (I don’t have what it takes to do this!), negative thoughts about others (He doesn’t really care about me), or negative thoughts about a situation (This whole thing is hopeless!), Now, I want you to take a look at the things you wrote down and begin to read through them one at a time. 

    Are there any patterns or themes that begin to emerge? 

    Are there any themes that you tend to default to again and again and again? 

    Let’s try to isolate those today – because we’re trying to get to the root of why you think the way you do. And in order to do that, we need to see if we can find some patterns. 

    Philippians 4:8 reminds us, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” 

    The beautiful thing about this Scripture is that it permits us to change the pattern. It reminds us that we have the power and control to choose which thoughts we will tune into and meditate on throughout the day. So much of the Bible aligns with healthy psychology and counseling. God knows our tendency to default to the negative, so we’re being asked to make it a habit, a daily practice, to tune in to whatever is good, pure, true, and lovely. We’re being challenged to increase our awareness of the right thoughts and beliefs throughout the day and in life. We’re being challenged: don’t just default to your usual, mindless patterns; change the pattern. But to do that, we have to first stop and take note of our patterns, both the good and the bad, so that we can begin to change the way we think. We have to recognize our patterns if we want to replace them. And when we do that, it will begin to change everything because thought change leads to life change. 

    One of my clients, Hannah, came into our counseling session with her list of negative thoughts from a 24-hour period, and she came in with a list longer than she imagined she would. Here’s what it read:  

    I don’t fit in. 

    They’re just pretending to like me. 

    He’s just being nice because he feels sorry for me. 

    I can’t believe I yelled at the kids – I am the worst mom.

    If I don’t get it together, he will leave me. 

    They invited me out of pity but don’t really want me there. 

    I don’t have what it takes to get it done today. 

    And those were just some of the things she had on her list. When she actually faced her thoughts, she realized how consistently mean, degrading, negative, and unhealthy they were. When I asked her to see if she could find a pattern – she realized she was stuck in a spiral of thoughts with a theme of inadequacy. She was never good enough. Not in her personal life, not in her marriage, not in her friendships, not as a mom, a homemaker, or a businesswoman. Her thoughts always pointed out where she wasn’t measuring up, fixating on all that was lacking. Her thoughts were not only hurting her; they were hurting her relationships. Now that she recognized a theme to her negative thinking, she started seeing it in almost every aspect of her life. 

    Connecting the Dots 

    Why was Hannah caught in a cycle of toxic thinking? Why did she always feel like she wasn’t enough? Long ago, Hannah had begun defaulting to this way of thinking to try and make sense of why she was adopted. This wasn’t a conscious decision on her part because you have to understand she was really young at the time. But sometimes, our brain processes things for us – without our permission or awareness. It tries to make sense of the world around us, whether or not the interpretation it gives us is actually based on truth. False beliefs can start getting planted in our minds and hearts, ideas that we carry – and then if we don’t recognize them – beliefs that get lived out in our lives and our closest relationships. 

    For young Hannah, something inside of her needed to make sense of the fact that she was adopted. Even in the context of a loving, wonderful, compassionate family, there was no conversation about her adoption story. And without healthy discussions about her adoption process, she had to fill in the blanks for herself. In her young mind, the problem was either with her parents or with her. And it was less painful for her to believe that she was the problem than for her to believe that something was terribly wrong with her parents. There must be something they didn’t like about me. There must be something wrong with me. I must not have been what they wanted. I must not be good enough. This is where the seeds of her default thinking were planted, watered by the circumstances of life, and fertilized by more unhealthy thinking until she grew up learning to believe those thoughts and apply them to other areas of her life – including in her closest relationships. Consistent thoughts of inadequacy had become a part of her thought process without her awareness. 

    For Hannah to be freed from her default thinking, she needed a RESET. She began by recognizing her negative thoughts. And then, with the help of the counseling process, we began getting to the root of where those negative thoughts and beliefs started; facing and healing from some of those old wounds. But that alone wasn’t enough. Now she had to replace them with truth. It’s not enough to simply stop thinking negative thoughts; you have to go to the next step and begin thinking truthful thoughts. Replace them with truth, over and over again until something begins to change. Until YOU begin to change. Debra, are you saying that if I just think healthy thoughts enough, I’ll actually start believing them? That’s exactly what I’m saying. It took you many years to build up your default thinking, so don’t expect things to change overnight. But when you begin to fill your mind with truth, it begins to fill your life with truth. Things begin to change. 

    It may not seem like you’re doing much – repeating statements of truth instead of your negative default thinking, but when you begin replacing your negative thinking with truth, you’re changing the function of your brain. Every thought you think releases some sort of neurochemical. Negative thoughts release stress chemicals, and positive ones release feel-good chemicals. So, when you change your thoughts, it literally changes your brain. Your brain is neuroplastic, which means it’s malleable – it can change. You have the power to change how your brain works and, in turn, how you feel and what you do by changing your thoughts. 

    God made our brains, and He knows best the value and importance of thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Philippians 4:8 is not just a sweet, sentimental verse in the Bible – it’s life or death. Because your thoughts have the power to seriously enhance your life, or to destroy your life completely. If you see the same stream of thinking coming back again, and again, and again – it’s time to own up to it and let the mental battle begin. Change your thought patterns, and you’ll change your life patterns. Change your life patterns – and you’ll change your relationship patterns.

    This article is adapted from one of 31 Practices in Debra Fileta’s new book Reset: Powerful habits to own your thoughts, understand your feelings, and change your life and is used with permission. Order your copy of Reset today!

    Photo credit: ©Reset/Debra Fileta

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ildar Abulkhanov

    Debra Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, bestselling author, relationship expert, and founder of the Debra Fileta Counselors Network. She’s written six books, including Choosing Marriage, True Love Dates, Love In Every Season, Are You Really OK?, Married Sex, and RESET. She’s also the host of the hotline-style Love + Relationships Podcast, answering listener questions about love, relationships, and mental and emotional health. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, or book an online session with her or someone from her team today!

    Debra Fileta

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  • Do Christians Have to Get Married in a Church?

    Do Christians Have to Get Married in a Church?

    Around the world, wedding ceremonies occur in various locations, from church buildings to local parks. In this post-pandemic time, destination weddings are still popular, and couples choose to invite their guests to a favorite locale, be it tropical or in view of a snow-capped mountain.

    Nontraditional? You bet. Biblically sanctioned? It depends.

    What Do Traditional Christian Weddings Look Like?

    Christian wedding customs have varied throughout history and largely depend on the culture where the ceremony occurs. Time-honored U.S. traditions include pre-wedding bridal showers and then simple or elaborate ceremonies in a church building or chapel. The celebrations have grown to include groom’s and couples’ showers to honor and equip the man and woman for married life.

    The wedding ceremony begins with music selected by the couple and is timed according to the arrival of the guests. Honored invitees (close friends and family members) are given front or near front row seating to witness the wedding. A clergyman or other officiate settles in the front center, facing the assembled guests, and the groom stands and faces the spectators in front of the clergyman and to his left (spectators’ right). Once the groom is in place, his groomsmen accompany the bridesmaids to the front of the sanctuary and separate at the front — the men go to the groom’s side and the bridesmaids go to the left, all facing the sanctuary. A special song begins (as chosen by the bride and groom) and the father of the bride accompanies his daughter to the waiting groom.

    The usual progression is the father gives his daughter to the groom by placing her right hand in the groom’s. The officiating minister then performs the ceremony, thereby marrying the couple and then presents them to the assemblage as, Mr. and Mrs. __________.

    A reception held after the wedding gives family and friends an informal way to honor and celebrate with the newly married couple. Receptions are either at the wedding venue itself or at a remote location.

    What Does the Bible Say about Weddings?

    As expected, the weddings mentioned in the Bible were Jewish, and without explicit details, we can glean the following:

    The father of the groom chose the bride for his son. The betrothal period (Deuteronomy 20:7) lasted up to a year and it was a covenant before consummation. The groom would make all preparations for the wedding day, and upon his father’s approval, the wedding feast day (which lasted up to seven days) commenced when the groom went for his bride and brought her back to the house he had prepared for them.

    Must a Christian Get Married in a Church?

    Herein lies the crux of the matter. A marriage between a man and a woman (as created by God), is a covenant, and vows made between the man and the woman are in the sight of God. Because God instituted marriage, it must conform to His guidelines and purposes.

    As such, a Christian couple is to:

    1. Make sure they are equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). Both the man and woman are to be true Christians, that is, people who have surrendered to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior according to the Gospel. And each is to pray about and for the spouse the Lord has for them.

    2. Meet and pray with their pastor for marriage counseling so there is a greater understanding of what a Christian marriage entails. Once their pastor approves based on what the Bible says, they can then move forward.

    3. Secure a marriage license from the authorities God has placed over us for our protection (Romans 13:1). In the sight of God and men, a man and a woman are joined in holy matrimony. This demonstrates the betrothed are endeavoring to keep themselves from every sort of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22), which a public declaration of their union in part assures (as far as being wedded under the law).

    4. Arrange for a date and a venue for the wedding ceremony to be performed by their pastor (or another Christian officiate). And be very discerning to make sure the pastor provides a biblical wedding ceremony. A solid Bible-teaching pastor will expect this and will probably give the couple a huge “Attaboy” for their care in making sure they are entering a covenant which glorifies the Lord.

    Whether the couple has their wedding in a church or somewhere else, the important factor is meeting all the criteria listed in the four points above. In marriage and in all of life, we are to honor the Lord (1 Corinthians 10:31). God established marriage when He created Eve as a suitable helper for Adam (Genesis 2:20). When a woman marries the man God has chosen for her, she is obeying the Lord in her submission to her husband as the spiritual head of their household, and each should honor the other as they love the Lord first (see Ephesians 5).

    We are the church, so true believers always get married “in” the church no matter the location of the ceremony (assuming a Christian couple would not choose a questionable site). Weddings performed in a church setting, however, have a special nature about them because it’s where the church gathers every week to worship the Lord. The sacred setting lends itself to the solemnity of the couple’s vows as they make their covenant to each other before the Lord. But to reiterate, it’s the hearts of the couple that matters as they come before God to pledge their love and loyalty until death separates them.

    A beautiful saying that exemplifies the vows as the rings are exchanged is, “Before God, I give you this ring as a sign of my vow, and I promise to honor you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

    Will There Be Weddings in Heaven?

    While our thoughts are on weddings and spouses, let’s look at what the Bible says will happen when we are in glory. 

    The Lord Jesus answers this question about marriage in heaven:

    “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:29).

    “But those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage; for neither can they die anymore, for they are like angels, and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection” (Luke 20:35-36).

    Pastor Don Stewart adds, “Marriage, as we know it, is not necessary in heaven because there is no need for continuing the race. The number of people in heaven will not increase or decrease – it will remain the same. Believers will be married to Christ and have even deeper relationships than we have ever experienced on the earth.”

    Instead, believers from all earth’s ages will be married to Christ. “’Let us rejoice and exult and give Him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready; to her it has been granted to be clothed with fine linen, bright and pure’ – for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, ‘Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’ And he said to me, ’These are true words of God’” (Revelation 19:7-9).

    A wedding is a beautiful affirmation of a Christian couple’s covenant to each other before the Lord. It should be a joyous event for everyone involved, no matter where the wedding ceremony takes place. When God is in the center of it all, He is sure to be glorified.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Lisa Loraine Baker is the multiple award-winning author of Someplace to be Somebody. She writes fiction and nonfiction. In addition to writing for the Salem Web Network, Lisa serves as a Word Weavers’ mentor and is part of a critique group. She also is a member of BRRC. Lisa and her husband, Stephen, a pastor, live in a small Ohio village with their crazy cat, Lewis. 

    Lisa Loraine Baker

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  • The Blessing of Blessing Others

    The Blessing of Blessing Others

    From an early age, Mom and Grandma taught me the importance of blessing others without getting something in return. Every week, or every other week without fail, we’d topple into the car, drive to town, and find random people to bless. 

    Sometimes, it was the homeless person standing outside our car window. Others, it was the man in need inside a nursing home. Most days, it was a friend, family, or stranger who simply needed to be cheered up. 

    As I grew, I took this habit with me. In high school, I’d leave notes for teachers and my closest friends. I made it my ambition to forego selfish desires and use any funds I had to purchase gifts for others. People generally didn’t understand it. Sometimes, neither did I. 

    When I reached college, I followed suit. The remarks I often received were striking. People started to question my motives and intentions. I felt hurt. Why couldn’t others understand that I wanted nothing from them? Why couldn’t others understand that I was just trying to represent Jesus in a dark world?

    Today, I often face the same remarks. 

    As a twenty-something adolescent, I’m enrolled in a program to become a full-time author. One of the perks of the coursework is that it focuses on building others up by blessing them. For the last 150 days, we’ve been challenged to bless without expecting anything in return. The results have been astounding. 

    What the Bible Says About Blessing Others

    But should I be shocked? Scripture tells us this: “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed. People curse the one who hoards grain, but they pray God’s blessing on the one who is willing to sell” (Proverbs 11:25-16, NIV). 

    Matthew 25 takes this verse a step further in the parable of the three servants: 

    “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. He called together his servants and entrusted his money to them while he was gone. He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities. He then left on his trip. “The servant who received the five bags of silver began to invest the money and earned five more. The servant with two bags of silver also went to work and earned two more. But the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the ground and hid the master’s money.”

    Notice that God gives each man a different amount of silver, but each is entrusted with something. God knew then and knows now what we can handle. But beyond what we’re given is what we do with what we’ve received.

    “After a long time, their master returned from his trip and called them to give an account of how they had used his money. The servant to whom he had entrusted the five bags of silver came forward with five more and said, ‘Master, you gave me five bags of silver to invest, and I have earned five more.’ “The master was full of praise. ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together! “The servant who had received the two bags of silver came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two bags of silver to invest, and I have earned two more.’ “The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

    Would you have earned five more bags? Maybe even two? What about today? Do you give what you have been given? Do you use the gifts God’s given you to produce and reap more for His harvest? Or do you waste your gifts? Do you waste your time? Are you stingy with your money? Does your bank account define your heart? 

    “Then the servant with the one bag of silver came and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a harsh man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate. I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it on the earth. Look, here is your money back.’ “But the master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! If you knew I harvested crops I didn’t plant and gathered crops I didn’t cultivate, why didn’t you deposit my money in the bank? At least I could have gotten some interest on it.’ “Then he ordered, ‘Take the money from this servant and give it to the one with the ten bags of silver. To those who use well what they are given, even more, will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. Now throw this useless servant into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 25:14-30, NLT).

    While it’s an extensive passage, Scripture is clear. We, as Christians, are called to not only bless others with what we’ve been given but to use our gifts to turn people to the Kingdom of heaven. And how do we do this? By blessing others. In any way, shape, or form we can. As the Passion Translation interprets:

    While it’s an extensive passage, Scripture is clear. We, as Christians, are called to not only bless others with what we’ve been given but to use our gifts to turn people to the Kingdom of heaven. And how do we do this? By blessing others. In any way, shape, or form we see fit. As the Passion Translation interprets: 

    “Then the King will turn to those on his right and say, ‘You have a special place in my Father’s heart. Come and experience the full inheritance of the kingdom realm that has been destined for you from before the foundation of the world! For when you saw me hungry, you fed me. When you found me thirsty, you gave me a drink. When I had no place to stay, you invited me in, and when I was poorly clothed, you covered me. When I was sick, you tenderly cared for me, and when I was in prison you visited me.’ “Then the godly will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty and give you food and something to drink? When did we see you with no place to stay and invite you in? When did we see you poorly clothed and cover you? When did we see you sick and tenderly care for you, or in prison and visit you?’ “And the King will answer them, ‘Don’t you know? When you cared for one of the least of these, my little ones, my true brothers and sisters, you demonstrated love for me’” (Matthew 25:34-40, The Passion Translation). 

    Looking Back at Blessings

    Over the last 150 days, I’ve received countless emails from people who read my blogs. I’ve also received immense encouragement and affirmation from those who support me. 

    God has continually surprised and blessed me financially, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Always in ways I didn’t see. Always in manners I would never expect. But He is faithful. 

    And really, I shouldn’t be surprised. Yet, here I am. Humbled and at a loss for words for how He continually provides for me. Because any good thing I do is Him. It’s His Spirit within me, and I will give all glory to God. 

    Blessing other people comes from Him. 

    And there is such a rich blessing in blessing others. 

    “Give generously and generous gifts will be given back to you, shaken down to make room for more. Abundant gifts will pour out upon you with such an overflowing measure that they will run over the top! The measurement of your generosity becomes the measurement of your return” (Luke 6:38, The Passion Translation).

    Let it be clear: We don’t give to receive. We give to become more like Jesus. We give to represent Him. And no matter how we give or what we choose to give, we are obeying the two most important commands: Love God and love others. 

    “So this is my command: Love each other deeply, as much as I have loved you. For the greatest love of all is a love that sacrifices all. And this great love is demonstrated when a person sacrifices his life for his friends” (John 15:12-14, The Passion Translation).  

    It will be judged by the world. 

    They will not understand it. 

    But give anyway.

    Bless anyway.

    And keep on giving. 

    Those who don’t get it don’t get Him.

    It’s our job to help them meet Him.

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ridofranz

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

    Amber Ginter

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  • What Should Christians Do When Church Leaders Gaslight Them?

    What Should Christians Do When Church Leaders Gaslight Them?

    Church is messy. Christians sometimes do or say things that cause someone else to become offended. Christians who are offended by another church member should go through the process of Matthew 18 to resolve the dispute.

    But if that church member doesn’t listen, it’s important for the church member to go to a leader to have them intervene. It is equally as important to address the church leader if you have a concern with their moral conduct or theological views that they express either in public or private.

    However, leaders just like church members can lack the emotional maturity to take accountability for their actions.

    To save face or seek the approval of others, some gaslight these members into believing their concern is invalid or unnecessary. What is gaslighting, and what should a Christian do if a church leader gaslights them?

    Gaslighting is defined, according to Merriam-Webster, as “psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

    Some examples of gaslighting might be:

    • Denial of behavior
    • Pretending conversations never happened
    • Words and actions do not match
    • Minimizing or ignoring behavior

    Leaders sometimes use gaslighting as a tool to wield their power against someone else or maintain power or authority. Although most Christians aren’t familiar with the term gaslighting, as it’s a term most counselors use, gaslighting is a form of abuse.

    It is an abuse of power, and it is also a form of mental abuse. What could Christians do if they feel a leader is gaslighting them?

    1. Confront Them Directly

    Even if the leader’s behavior is far from approachable, it is important to confront them directly. However, it is important to have a witness with you to make sure words are not twisted or manipulated to make you look like you’re wrong.

    Be clear in your complaint and express what they are doing and why they are doing it. Sometimes leaders don’t know what they’re doing. It is important for you and Christian to go and point that fold out to them.

    Matthew 18:15-17 says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

    2. Report Them to an Authority

    If he does not want to hear what you have to say, it is best to go to the authorities above them. If they are part of a denomination, most denominations have a leader or someone who is above them that oversees their church.

    Tell the overseer what is going on and provide evidence if necessary. If you can, keep your correspondence in writing so that you can provide this evidence to the overseer if necessary.

    If interactions are by phone, get permission to record the phone calls and then hand them over to the overseer as well.

    3. Leave the Church

    It may be best to leave the church entirely if you’ve gone through all the proper channels and no one addresses your concerns. Although it won’t help you recover from the abuse you’ve suffered, it’s always best to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

    You can let the leader know of your departure and the reasons behind it. Let them know to remove your membership if you are a member of the church.

    4. Seek Help

    Seek the help of a counselor to help you get past the emotional and psychological abuse. Although Romans 12:18 makes it clear that “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” God never wants us to endure abusive people, words, or actions to make us question our own reality.

    God is the God of truth. If someone doesn’t listen to the truth, it is best for your overall well-being to leave the situation. The council is an unbiased opinion that can help you see the situation from a different perspective.

    They will be able to give you tips and strategies on how to deal with the negative emotions associated with the events. It will also give you advice on how to go through the process of forgiveness.

    Although you may not feel like forgiving someone based on their actions, we are commanded in Scripture to forgive others just as Christ has forgiven us. When we forgive someone, we release ourselves from the anger, and the hurt someone else’s actions cause us.

    We also give the other person the gift of the freedom Christ gave us through his death on the cross. Forgiveness not only releases the offender, but it also releases the offended as well.

    5. Don’t Gossip

    While it is tempting to gossip to other friends and family about the situation, especially those who are in that same church situation, don’t make the situation worse by gossiping. It only breeds dissension and disunity within the body.

    It will not help the situation, and although it may feel like it may make you feel better in the short term, it will only destroy relationships in the long term. Allow your friends to make the decision to either stay in the situation or leave.

    You don’t have to lie if friends ask you why you left, but you should never counsel them to leave simply because you’re disgruntled. God does not want us to resort to retaliatory measures to even the score.

    What Does This Mean?

    Gaslighting is a form of abuse that has been allowed (and even accepted) for many years. For Christians to become more self-aware and take the necessary steps to love themselves as Christ loves them but also to love the other person, they must establish firm boundaries and make sure gaslighting never happens again.

    It is important to point out this as soon as it is occurring so that the other person may be restored. If the leader chooses not to change their behavior or acknowledge their actions, it may be best to leave the situation altogether.

    Report them to the authorities above them and seek the necessary help you need to release yourself from the abuser and continue to walk in freedom as in Christ Jesus.

    For further reading:

    Who Holds Pastors Accountable?

    Why Do People Stop Going to Church?

    What Are Modern Examples of a ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’?

    What Does Matthew 18 Say about Conflict Resolution Within the Church?

    Why Is Shame Connected to the Church?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/ArtemisDiana

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 30 Easy Ways to Continue Encouraging Someone in a Prolonged Time of Suffering

    30 Easy Ways to Continue Encouraging Someone in a Prolonged Time of Suffering

    When our Lord Jesus lived on this earth, He told His disciples to expect tribulation (John 16:33). He ended that sentence with a promise, “take heart; I have overcome the world.”

    There was no “if” in Jesus’ statement, therefore we know to expect trouble. When our times of trials and tribulation arrive, we cry out to God. We also ask our friends and family for support and encouragement. Sometimes tough times last a short season. Other times, a prolonged time of discouragement or illness catches a friend. They’ve received dozens of cards and flowers, but how can we continue to love on people who are suffering for an extended period?

    Maybe they are facing a long season of infertility or waiting on a job or relationship change, or a life-changing event looms on the horizon. Each time of suffering hurts, and when it’s extended, the hurting person often stops asking for help for fear they will “wear others out.”

    When able, they’ve been taken out for meals or have been given meals at home. How can we continue to help and cheer them?

    Following are thirty out-of-the-ordinary ways you can come alongside your friend or family member with the love of Christ. They range from free to a minimal cost. We’ll refer to the person as your friend throughout this article, even though it might be a family member. The list is in no particular order of importance, except this one: pray for them and with them.

    30 Ways to Encourage Someone in a Long Period of Suffering

    1. Write a poem about your friend and post it on a social media account. Make it about all their good qualities and nothing about their long-term suffering.

    2. Enlist a group of friends and have a “get well caroling” party at your beloved’s house (if possible).

    3. Buy a pack of flower seeds and all the items needed for your friend to plant seeds and watch them sprout in a sunny windowsill. Make a little plant marker with a Bible verse written on it.

    4. Grab some popcorn and your friend’s favorite movie and have a film night at her house.

    5. Borrow a telescope (even better if you own one) and take your friend somewhere to see God’s stars on a clear, moonless night (unless you want to gaze at the moon).

    6. Grab a photo of your friend and have a caricature artist draw a sweet rendition of your friend and present it to them as a gift.

    7. Gather a group of mutual friends and have each one make a poster exclaiming appropriate wishes and take a group photo for your friend.

    8. Compose a silly song using “garage band” or some other app and send it to the person you want to cheer up.

    9. If you live within a short drive of a body of water, and the weather is conducive, either rent a boat and/or have a “captain” take you both on a tour of the lake or ocean inlets.

    10. If your friend is able, take a trip to the local art museum.

    11. Bring your loved one to church with you.

    12. Head to the grocery store and get all the ingredients needed for your friend’s favorite meal. Then go over and prepare the meal and visit. (Laugh a lot, too).

    13. Write a little book and add your own drawings. Gift your friend with it. It doesn’t matter if you can write or draw; the fun is in what you come up with and the smiles and maybe laughter it brings.

    14. Is there a nearby nature trail you can visit? Pack a picnic lunch and take a leisurely walk.

    15. Go on a photo shoot at a local landmark and dress for the occasion. Have fun with it.

    16. This one’s easy for women, take your friend shopping, even if it’s just window-shopping.

    17. Invite other believers to join together and pray over the person who’s struggling.

    18. Spend a few hours at a nursing home with your friend and read to the residents.

    19. Attend a minor league baseball game together. The atmosphere at minor league games is family-oriented and fun.

    20. Go to a nursery and pick out some happy plants for indoors or to grow outside.

    21. Purchase and fill a bird feeder and place it in a spot your friend can see from inside or from a porch or deck.

    22. Gather three other friends and play some card games together.

    23. Make a list of encouraging podcasts and put the apps on your friend’s phone if they are unacquainted with them.

    24. Have a Bible study together on whatever you feel suits the need of your friend.

    25. Have other members of your church family write out prayers for your friend.

    26. Stitch or embroider a bookmark with a Bible verse.

    27. If one of you has a porch or deck, have a nice long visit. If it’s cold, bundle up and have hot cocoa. If it’s hot, get the iced tea glasses filled. Remember, you’re not there to “fix” things. Just listening is a huge, underutilized ministry that speaks volumes.

    28. Find lots of pictures of vacation spots your friend has always wanted to visit, or even share yours. Add funny anecdotes to make your friend laugh (and you will, too).

    29. Share a funny comic strip each day.

    30. Does your friend need a few repairs or any outside work done? Ask people from your church to help and take the group to their house to work and visit.

    10 Bible Verses to Encourage People in Trials

    Our culture is often called a garage-society. In days gone by, as we call them, people took walks and they were never short because others were out on their front porches and kids were playing in the yard (or on the street). A wave wasn’t enough; neighbors visited and shared stories and food! Today we enter our attached garages, get in our cars, open the door long enough to exit and off we go. Sometimes we even wave at a neighbor and sadly, we haven’t even met them. We just know they live in the third house down from us and they have a yellow dog. Often, people who are suffering go through it alone, partly because few people check on them and partly because a person doesn’t want to bother others with their ills.

    It takes effort, thought, and prayer for us as Christians to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:39). The command given by Jesus right before that is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37). How can we love our neighbors (and friends and family) without loving God first?

    Following are a few Bible verses to help you as you pray about how you can help a long-suffering person. It does not matter if the person is a Christian or not, for we are to love them. If you are ministering to an unbeliever, tell them why, and share the Gospel. It’s the best news they’ll ever hear!

    “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
    in the land of the living!

    Wait for the LORD;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the LORD!”

    (Psalm 27:13-14).

    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with My victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

    “I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

    “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

    “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37).

    “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Romans 15:13).

    “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3).

    “And they glorified God because of me” (Galatians 1:24).

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6).

    “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

    I pray this list will help you as you minister to those in times of long-suffering. May our God of all hope bless your efforts. 

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/happy8790

    Lisa Loraine Baker is the multiple award-winning author of Someplace to be Somebody. She writes fiction and nonfiction. In addition to writing for the Salem Web Network, Lisa serves as a Word Weavers’ mentor and is part of a critique group. She also is a member of BRRC. Lisa and her husband, Stephen, a pastor, live in a small Ohio village with their crazy cat, Lewis. 

    Lisa Loraine Baker

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Envy vs Jealousy?

    What Does the Bible Say about Envy vs Jealousy?

    “O beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” This quote from Othello is one of the most famous mentions of jealousy personified. Jealousy and envy have motivated antagonists in many works of fiction. But what does the Bible say about envy vs. jealousy?

    There’s no surprise that envy is a big topic in the book of Proverbs. Some of King Solomon’s wisdom says:

    “Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways,” (Proverbs 3:31)

    “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)

    But truthfully, envy goes back to the Garden of Eden. Meriam Webster defines envy as a feeling of discontent or covetousness about another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.” That is exactly what Satan in the form of a snake played upon when he said, “you will surely not die…and you will be like God knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5) Eve wanted to knowledge that God had, and that desire led to destruction.

    Envy raises its head again with Cain and Abel (Genesis 4:1-10). Cain’s anger when he does not receive God’s favor leads to wanting what Abel has received, leading to destructive consequences.

    Envy or covetousness even appears in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:17) and in the seven things God hates (Proverbs 6:16-19, the basis for the seven deadly sins).

    Where Does the Bible Talk about Jealousy?

    Jealousy appears throughout the Old and New Testaments, almost as often as envy does. It appears in verses like:

    – Galatians 5:20: “hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage….”

    – 1 Corinthians 11:2: “I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy.”

    – Romans 13:13: “debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy….”

    – Ezekiel 36:6: “in my jealous wrath because you have…”

    – Joshua 24:19: “He is a holy God; he is a jealous God.”

    – Exodus 20:5: “… for I, the Lord you God, am a Jealous God.”

    Hold up. Those last few verses referred to God being jealous. If God is holy and perfect, how can he be Jealous and not be in sin too? Many people have struggled with this idea of God’s being jealous, so can jealousy or envy ever be a good thing?

    Can Jealousy Ever Be a Good Thing?

    Jealousy can be good if its heart is for another person’s greater good, not focused on the self.

    2 Corinthians 11:2 says Paul is “jealous for you with a godly jealousy.” Paul uses the term godly jealousy because he desperately wants the joy and freedom from salvation in Christ. Because Paul knows that Jesus is the source of truth and life. Paul’s jealousy here is a deep longing for the good of the Corinthian church.

    The same longing and desire for our good is the type of jealousy God has for us.

    John Piper says this about God’s jealousy: since God is “infinitely wise and infinitely good, and knows what’s best for us. And suppose he is the greatest good in the universe, and he is the greatest joy, and he is the all-satisfying pleasure.” When verses like Exodus 20:5 and Joshua 24:19 say, “the Lord is a Jealous God.” It refers to God’s deep longing for us to know him and return to him because He is what can give us “… life and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

    But what does it mean when the Bible says God’s “wrath and jealous anger”? (Ezekiel 16:38) How can jealous anger be good? Let’s take a moment and define anger. Anger, at its core, is an emotional response to something wrong done to us or someone else. Because we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), we can feel emotions just like God can. The difference is that God cannot sin in his emotions. We can sin and often do. God’s anger, wrath, or indignation is always justified and always holy. Humanity’s anger, wrath, or indignation is rarely holy or justified.

    Take Jesus in the temple as an example. In Luke 19:45-48, Matthew 21:12-13, and Mark 11:12-25, Jesus goes to the Temple in Jerusalem. And he sees tax collectors and money changers taking advantage of the people who had come for the Passover to make a sacrifice to God. Jesus became angry and drove the money changers out of the temple. This anger was both justified because what those men were doing was immoral. Jesus’ anger was also holy because it was it wasn’t for Jesus’ glory or retribution.

    Dr. Thomas Constable’s commentary puts it this way, “Jesus’ literal housecleaning represented His authority as Messiah to clean up the corrupt nation of Israel. Verse 16, which is unique in Mark, shows the extent to which Jesus went in purifying the temple. By doing this, He was acting as a faithful servant of the LORD and demonstrating zeal for God’s honor.”

    Can Envy Ever Be a Good Thing?

    While jealousy has two sides, envy cannot be a good thing. Jealousy and envy can have a similar source of discontentment or injustice. But jealousy has an inward focus on inadequacy, and envy has an outward focus on the haves and have-nots of those around us.

    In a Daily Hope article, Rick Warren explains that envy is a heart problem. Any time you envy, you have gotten your worship misguided because envy is a form of worship. It says, “I desire that. I want that. I love that. I want to live for that.” That’s called worship. And any time that item is not God, it becomes an idol.”

    If you read the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:3-17) backward, it’s interesting to see that many of the first nine result from covetousness and envy, which is the final commandment.

    How Do We Separate Envy vs. Jealousy?

    In a Crosswalk article, Jessica Van Roekel says, “jealousy involves three people—the person feeling jealous about someone else because of a rival. Jealousy occurs in up to four settings: sibling rivalry, peer relationships, romance, and paranoia. False judgments, illogical deductions, and misinterpreted trivia feed it.” Jealousy at its heart is fear. Whether it is fear of losing someone, missing out, or not living up to a self-set standard.

    At the heart of envy is discontentment and a lack of appreciation for what we have. But envy doesn’t stop there; it becomes fertile soil for bitterness and resentment to grow. Jealousy might be the start. Envy is when something has taken root, creating an idol out of some goal or someone.

    How Do We Watch Out for Envy and Jealousy?

    In her discussion about envy and jealousy, Van Roekel further explains, “Jealousy worries that someone will take something away from us. Envy worries that we won’t ever gain what we long to have. We overcome worry when we shift from focusing on our lack to thinking about God’s abundance.”

    It comes down to choosing gratitude and trusting God. I know that sounds cliché. Still, if we can “take captive our thoughts and make them obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5), we would catch our thoughts and not “let the devil get a foothold” (Ephesians 4:27). Sometimes, that means being mindful of the music we listen to and the shows that we watch.

    When my husband and I were first married, money was tight, and I was unemployed. This was at the dawn of the home and garden cable TV shows. I found myself hooked to these homes and their magnificent transformations. Not all cable TV is inherently sinful, but I found it fed my discontent. I had a roof over my head, but it didn’t have shiplap or exposed beams. I had a kitchen to cook in, but laminate on the countertops. Then God was kind enough to convict me of my discontentment and jealousy of those “winning” on a TV show. I had been making an idol of my home’s appearance instead of being thankful for what God had provided. Not long after that, we got rid of cable. In our case, it allowed too much room for jealousy, resentment, and envy to grow. I found other activities and focused on having a grateful heart for what blessings God was providing.

    Alan Parr of the Beat says one way to combat envy and jealousy is to reject “the Happiness Lie.” To reject the idea that “if I only had what I see other people having, then and only then will I truly be happy.” The enemy uses this to keep us chasing after anything except God.

    Having a grateful heart is the first step to guarding against envy and jealousy from taking root in our hearts. Much of the book of Ecclesiastes describes Solomon’s observations about chasing the world’s wants for happiness. He concluded in Ecclesiastes 4:4, “Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.” Chasing after empty things is not the abundant life God wants to give us.

    Consider the parable of the Prodigal Son. The younger son chased the world and found himself eating with pigs until he returned home to his father in humility. While the younger son didn’t find himself worthy to sit at his father’s table, the father welcomed him home and threw a party for him. That is the God of the Bible. The welcoming father who celebrates his children coming home. That is someone you can put your trust in.

    Photo Credit: Getty Images/francescoch

    Valerie Fentress is the author of An Easter Bunny’s Tale and Beneath the Hood: a retelling woven with biblical truth. She aims to engage believers, especially kids, in the wonder and identity of who God is and who God made them to be. 

    You can find out more about Valerie, her books, and her blog at www.valeriefentress.com.

    This article is part of our Bible resource for understanding the significance and meaning of biblical phrases and ideas. Here are our most popular Bible articles to grow in your knowledge of God’s Word:

    Promises of God in the Bible
    Is “This Too Shall Pass” in the Bible?
    What Was the Ark of the Covenant?
    Top 10 Bible Stories for Kids

    “Iron Sharpens Iron” in Proverbs 27:17
    “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” in Psalm 139
    “Be Still and Know That I am God” in Psalm 46:10
    “No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper” – Isaiah 54:17

    Listen to our podcast The Bible Never Said That. All of our episodes are available at LifeAudio.com.

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    Valerie Fentress

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  • 5 Subtle Signs You Are Judgmental

    5 Subtle Signs You Are Judgmental

    A fourth subtle sign you are judgmental is if you hurt other people’s feelings. Being judgmental can be seen in many ways, such as looking at people in a negative way, laughing at others for the way they are dressed, or looking down on someone because of their zip code. All of these things hurt people, and if you are constantly hurting people’s feelings, you could be judgmental. If you are a believer, there is no reason for you to be judgmental of anyone. If anything, you should know better than to put someone down to elevate yourself. True believers who follow Jesus faithfully should never have the desire to purposely hurt others.

    When you hurt someone’s feelings, it will leave a lasting impact. You may hurt that person so severely that it could cause them to self-isolate or feel even worse about themselves. Hurting other people’s feelings and judging them is not right. God is not happy with these actions, and He will discipline you for these actions. It is never okay to hurt other people, nor is it okay to judge others. If you are aware of how you have been hurting others, turn to God, repent, and be intentional about never participating in judgment again. 

    5. People Don’t Feel Comfortable Sharing Important Things with You

    A fifth subtle sign you are judgmental is if people don’t feel comfortable sharing important things with you. For most of us, once a person is judgmental of us, we don’t really want to talk to them anymore, much less share important things with them. In order for people to want to share important things with you, they have to see you are trustworthy to share these things with. Individuals are not going to share important information with those who are judgmental, invalidate their pain, and are not happy for them when positive things happen in their lives. If you feel people are only keeping you at the surface level, it could be because you are judgmental.

    People stop sharing important things with judgmental people because all the judgmental person is going to do is make them feel bad and judge them. Why would anybody want to share important information with someone like that? We are only going to share important information with people who genuinely care about us and who are supportive. If you are judgmental, you can be guaranteed that individuals will not feel comfortable sharing important things with you.

    If you want to change and stop being judgmental, turn to God. Ask Him for His help, and He will be there. It will take time and a lot of work on your behalf, but it is possible. Each time you feel tempted to be judgmental, ask God to help you fight this feeling. In the same way, if you mess up and are judgmental, ask God for forgiveness and try again next time. If you are wanting to change and have recognized the subtle signs that you have been judgmental, then you are more likely to be able to work on this sin and start living better for God. 

    Vivian Bricker

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  • 6 Secrets to a Joyful Marriage

    6 Secrets to a Joyful Marriage

    Have you noticed how our culture isn’t good at sharing the beautiful beginnings of a marriage? In fact, practically every show or fairy tale that has been portrayed, since we were children, shares a sweet love story, yet ends with – “They lived happily ever after.” Talk about a confusing and mixed message. What does happily ever after even look like?

    Let’s first start with this nugget of truth… the world’s view of marriage vastly contradicts the view God holds for us when it comes to the sanctity and beautiful union found in a marriage. God isn’t aiming for us to live “happily ever after.” His vision is much greater than that! It is to grow us and conform us to be more like Jesus!

    Unfortunately, the beauty found in godly marriages has been suppressed in our society. Sadly, marriage has become somewhat of a joke, and in many cases, a marriage rich in love and on fire for God gets ridiculed or chastised. The modern TV shows love to poke fun at the roles of a husband and wife, downplaying the “real” design for our families. No wonder so many couples are searching for hope and the secret to joy!

    Friend, it isn’t hard to see that the beautiful foundation God laid out for our marriages is under brutal attack. So, hear me out; if you read no further, please understand this: marriage isn’t about living happily ever after. Because trust me, there will be times you aren’t actually happy. If you’re searching solely for happiness, you will be sorely disappointed.  

    However, if you search for a marriage filled with joy, you will find that peace and love come into your union as well. That’s because marriage isn’t about living happily ever after. It’s not even about you! It is about serving another before yourself. It’s also recognizing that marriage is a precious relationship where you are not yourself anymore but joined together with another to become one. Genesis 2:24 tells us that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

    The wedding day marks the beginning of a life that is to be cherished, respected, and filled with joy. That doesn’t mean God-fearing couples won’t face challenges or suffer hardships; in fact, they may be targeted the most. Satan loves to attack rich and beautiful marriages. But when a couple aims to stand firm in their faith, fights for their marriage, and seeks Jesus in all circumstances, they will find the secret to a loving and joy-filled marriage. They will also have a testimony worth sharing about just how good our God is!

    So, what is the secret to joy in a marriage? In short, joy is found in the sweet little moments. It’s tucked within those small acts of kindness or the unexpected gestures that go a long way. It’s a smile, a tender kiss, a subtle sentiment. It’s loving your spouse the way Jesus calls you to love them, even in the hard times, with grace and gentleness.

    There is much to be said about living “joyfully ever after!” So, let’s discover six little ways (or secrets) to having a joy-filled and holy matrimony:

    1. Have Fun Together

    “Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’” Psalm 126:2

    Laughter is said to be good medicine, and I must agree with that sentiment. Laughter brings out endorphins that cause us to be in a good mood. You really can’t laugh and be angry, can you? 

    When was the last time you laughed, and I mean a good ‘ole hearty belly laugh, with your spouse? If it’s been too long, then time is of the essence. Begin today. If your marriage is a little flat in this area, then it’s okay to seek help. Join a couple that can see the lighter side of life or tune into a fun comedy skit. Tim Hawkins is our favorite comedian. He offers clean jokes and shares issues that we can all relate to, usually with a song or story. His skits on marriage are the best!

    2. Build Each Other Up

    Have you ever bragged about your spouse in front of your friends, family members, or at church? If not, now may be the time to start. Speak highly of them and watch their face light up when you do. Share, in all sincerity, how proud you are of them. Whether it be an accomplishment at work or how diligent they are in raising your children, showcase your spouse. 

    When you take time to build up your spouse and recognize the fruit of their efforts, those words go straight to their heart. Proverbs 16:24 tells us that “gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to our bones.”

    3. Be Servant-Hearted

    On weekends when we don’t have softball games to rush off to, my sweet hubby will bring me coffee while I am still in bed. Mind you, he first allows me to sleep in (which is heavenly with three children) and then wakes me up with the aroma of my favorite drink. Yes, please!

    Serving your spouse shows you deeply care about them and want to honor them with service. What do they love? What makes them tick? What is their love language, and how can you meet it? Simple acts of taking out the trash without being asked or rubbing feet while watching a movie all go a long way and raise that love thermometer. Let the joy abound!

    “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.” Ephesians 6:7

    4. Notice the Little Things

    How easy it is to fall into ruts in our marriage, where we become so comfortable and complacent (or even selfish) that we forget our manners. We fail to notice the little things that our spouse does, not acknowledging or even offering a simple “thank you” or “how can I help?”. 

    Sigh. We’ve been there many times, actually. But, when we slip into the patterns of complacency, failing to notice the little things, those little things eventually add up to become big things. Before you know it, you’re heading down a not-so-good path, not really sure how you got there. 

    Small, little acts of kindness matter. So, take notice and let your sweet spouse know you see the fruits of their labor. Joy will be rekindled in no time.

    5. Greet Each Other Warmly

    “Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace to all of you who are in Christ.” 1 Peter 5:14

    There is something about a warm greeting that welcomes joy. We see numerous times throughout the Bible how people greeted one another with a warm embrace or kiss. This special greeting is still offered today, and while it may be used differently depending on culture or family traditions, a warm and loving greeting shows your other half that they were missed and you are glad to be back together!

    When our girls were little, they used to run up to my husband when we got home and swarm him with hugs and kisses. Now, he comes home, and most of them are doing homework or have friends over. The greetings aren’t as warm as they used to be now that they are teens. But… we still manage to do our best to show each other affection upon seeing one another after a long (or short) period of time.

    6. Embrace Your Roles

    There is a beautiful role that a husband and wife play in a marriage, specifically designed by our Creator. God created a husband to lovingly lead and protect his family (Ephesians 5:25), while He created a wife to provide and nurture her family, being her husband’s helper (Genesis 2:18). Both play a crucial role in raising a family. And when a husband and wife honor those roles, becoming a team and a united front, the image of a faithful family emerges! 

    A truly joyful marriage is one that seeks to honor Christ and use their designed roles to love their spouse in a beautiful way. Cultivating joy in our marriage is allowing our spouse to be the man or woman God is calling them to be. When a man cherishes his wife and strives to protect her, then she, in return, will respect him and give him the desires of his heart. God has a precious purpose for our marriage and created this sacred union to not only grow closer together and seek joy but to grow closer to Him and live in peace.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/PeopleImages

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    Alicia Searl

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  • 8 Signs Your Marriage Needs You to Be Less Busy

    8 Signs Your Marriage Needs You to Be Less Busy

    Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh, and chances are it’s time to laugh in your marriage, especially if you’ve gotten too busy. In our book, When Couples Walk Together, my husband and I explored the benefits of laughing together. Yes, life is serious, and apparently busy.

    But your marriage may be dying for some laughter. And if it is, you’re obviously too busy.

    My brother works as an analyst and code-breaker for the FBI. At times he deals with disturbing matters that he doesn’t want to take home with him. Because of that, he sees the value of looking for comedic events throughout the day to share with his wife, who is a second-grade teacher and does the same.

    This helps keep laugher in their marriage and sanity in their lives. Each evening they share the humorous events of their separate days and make sure the other knows all about their interactions at work so they better understand the funny events that occur.

    They even come up with code names for people so they can talk or laugh about it with some privacy in front of their children. Sometimes you have to go covert with the funny things you share. But that creates a bond, too.

    And keeping laughter in your marriage not only eases the stress, it keeps you talking and being deliberate and intentional in your marriage so you don’t let busyness or the burdens of the day overtake your marriage, too.

    8. More Than Six Months Has Passed Since the Two of You Went Away Together

    If you’re not getting away together at least twice a year, just you and your spouse, then you’re definitely too busy (or your marriage is not a priority).

    Most jobs allow at least two weeks of paid vacation a year. If you don’t get that, there are weekends. If either of you is working without at least two days off a week, you’re putting work or finances or the need to be busy over the health of your marriage. Make the sacrifice.

    My husband hasn’t had paid vacations in several years, now that he’s working two part-time jobs. Yet, we save all year to make up for his time off so that we can have some extended time together.

    What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of your marriage? What are you willing to invest so the two of you can have a closer connection?

    Work can wait. The job can wait. In-laws and friends and expectations others have on you can wait. But perhaps your marriage can’t.

    You didn’t commit “til death do us part” to your employer or even your extended family. Invest in what matters most or make it a matter of prayer so that you can. God honors your desire to invest time in your marriage.

    Bring Him into the picture, surrender to His ways, and see Him come through for you by providing the rest you need. 

    For more on improving your communication with your spouse, see Cindi’s books, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. And for more on living a less busy life, see her books, When Women Long for Rest, and When You’re Running on Empty.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio Diaz

    Cindi McMenamin

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  • 8 Signs You May Be Dating a Narcissist

    8 Signs You May Be Dating a Narcissist

    I began a ministry for single mothers almost two decades ago and have had the privilege of talking to thousands of single mothers across the U.S. Through the years, I’ve conducted many Q&A’s and, of course, the regular questions of sex, dating, loneliness, and future mates come up often. But I’ve recently been struck by the number of conversations where the term “narcissist” has come up. So I began to do a little research. Sure enough, narcissism seems to be on the rise – or at least is being charted as such. According to the National Institutes of Health, modern western societies are experiencing a narcissism pandemic that rose from a reported 12% in 1963 to 77% in 1992 among adolescents. In its simplest interpretation, an Ohio State University study in 2021 defined narcissism as “entitled self-importance.” But why the rise?

    Could it be the helicopter parenting of the 1980s and 1990s, where children perceived that their parents’ worlds revolved solely around them, backfired? Could it be the increased pressure of social media and the promotion of the Instagram-famous, YouTubers, likes, clicks, and followers finally caught up with us? Could it be that “die to self” and “pick up your cross and follow me” died and the world laid down their crosses and picked up their egos? I have no doubt that the further the world migrates to the culture of anything goes, New Ageism, paganism, worship of self, and truth as only “your truth” and not the undeniable truth of the Creator of heaven and earth, we will see this trend continue. 

    So, how do you identify if you may be dating a narcissist? Here are eight clues. While no one tip exclusively denotes that you are dating a narcissist, a combo thereof would be a clue!   

    1. Narcissists Obsess About Success

    Their importance is defined by their accomplishments. How quickly they climb the corporate ladder or achieve social media followers or accomplish their goal matters to them. They will likely list their resume of accomplishments early on in the relationship in hopes of impressing you. They may cite their resume of accomplishments in social settings, erroneously thinking their worth is tied to their resume.

    2. Narcissists Want to Be Admired for Their Attractiveness

    While caring about your appearance is certainly not an outright sign of narcissism, the obsession with it can be. Clothing, hair, and how others perceive their attractiveness is of paramount importance. It is important they perceive themselves as the most attractive in a room. It is not uncommon that designer cars, clothes, high-end jewelry, and the like, would be especially important to complete their “look.” 

    3. Narcissists Want to Be Perceived as Heroes

    Initial impressions will yield immense kindness, good manners, and chivalry. They are often charismatic and well-liked by the general public, as many won’t discern their true character. They want to be perceived as a “rescuer” rushing in to make your life easier. They will say things like, “I can’t believe someone treated you like that, before.” However, this hero persona is short-lived, and manipulation usually births quickly after that. (Note: The problem is that many get wrapped up in the early heroism and don’t see the tide shift!) 

    4. Narcissists Want to Be Validated and Needed

    They fish for compliments and need their work to be acknowledged. They want you to acknowledge when they’ve washed your car, helped the elderly lady across the street, or volunteered at the soup kitchen. They will keep record of their service to you or others and will likely bring it up again. It is especially meaningful for them to be needed. When the car breaks down and leaves you roadside, this is of great merit to the narcissist, as it fuels their need to rescue, further solidifying that you can’t live without them. But for them, you wouldn’t survive. 

    5. Narcissists Hold Grudges

    The Word teaches us that love keeps no record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13:5), but they do. They remember what you did and said. And they will attempt to get you back for it. They want you to pay. They strategize ways to do so and may sit on the revenge for some time. But make no mistake; they did not forget. Forgiveness is hard for them. They want someone to pay for their pain and hardship. 

    6. Narcissists Want Power and Control

    This is a given. They want to be in charge and will go to great lengths to do so. It is much harder for them to follow others. They want to control their environments (and yours) and it could manifest through an obsession with tidiness, promptness, or organization. They tend to overreact when they aren’t in control, or things have not gone in a way that was previously projected. 

    7. Narcissists Are Very Jealous

    They often need to be placed above all. In fact, many will pull you from God. They won’t say it this way, but they need to be worshiped above anything else, as your all in all. They promote idolatry in this way. They don’t mutually seek God with you. They seek to be God to you. They may be active in the church (as this can be a place to get power), but they aren’t seeking a deep relationship with their King. They want to control your relationship with the Lord.

    8. Narcissists Truly Believe They Should Get Everything They Want

    They are the epitome of the “me” culture. What about me? They expect those around them to be compliant in ensuring everything is always about them. How did they feel? How were they treated? Were they served first? Were they the first ones thought of? Their world revolves around them. 

    But here’s the really important part of understanding what is at play. Read 1 Kings. Read 2 Kings. Read Revelation. Narcissism is nothing but the Jezebel spirit. The Jezebel spirit isn’t exclusive to gender, nor is narcissism. Men and women alike are suffering with this. We must first recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood enemies (Ephesians 6:12). We are battling evil rulers and authorities in the unseen world. Sadly, most of us aren’t fully aware of the spiritual war going on that so easily deceives us and steals our joy. Come against those evil spirits. Wrestle not against flesh. 

    Singles, you must take responsibility for your dating life and stop ignoring red flags when the Holy Spirit is guiding and leading. Stop trying to fix and counsel your way out of a narcissistic relationship. Stop ignoring the warning signs or making excuses for behavior. Stop dating narcissists. Stop marrying them. Do not be deceived into thinking you can fix them if you can just endure. The stronghold must be broken off them, which requires them to humble themselves, submit to the Lord, and fully walk in freedom with Him. Sadly, many will not do this. Do not enter into marital covenant with them, singles. It gets far more complicated – just ask any heartbroken divorcee. God has more for you. There are many good Christian men and women out there. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/bee32

    Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others. 

    Jennifer Maggio

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  • 5 Ways to Set Unhealthy Boundaries

    5 Ways to Set Unhealthy Boundaries

    The above Instagram comment seeded this article.

    I’ve written about ways to set necessary—healthy—boundaries. But the above quote sparked a new thought: Since there are healthy boundaries, there must also be unhealthy ones. 

    Sadly, scores of damaging strategies sully our interactions. Despite the different details, all unhealthy boundaries share the same commonality—in the process of setting and enforcing that boundary, negativity usually sprouts. Somewhere. 

    It can manifest in the form of feelings (like resenting the yes you said under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms, making you feel unwell. But this adverse reaction can, and often will, culminate in strained relationships. 

    Consider these five unhealthy boundaries as an example:

    1. Fueled by Fear 

    In certain circumstances—like having to outrun the mountain lion while hiking—it can be useful for fear to motivate your legs to pump faster. For the most part, however, authorizing fear to manage your decision-making process will likely backfire.

    Let’s apply this principle to our topic. Say the pastor’s wife asks you to decorate the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you’ve already committed to organizing the egg hunt for kids’ church, and it’s your turn to host the extended family for the holiday meal this year. 

    The mere thought of spending all those hours—plus decorating the church—enthralls and exhausts you both.

    But then a thought pops up. How can you turn down your own pastor? Don’t you want to be indispensable to the church? Useful?

    If this thinking prompts you to nod your assent, beware. You’re on the brink of violating your boundary due to fear of people (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept covers a multitude of fears—of letting others down, losing their acceptance, dreading their wrath—and is a common unhealthy boundary.

    2. Lying to Escape 

    Is there someone in your world who specializes in being pushy? Perhaps it’s Ashley, who insists on dropping by on a random Wednesday because she’s bored. Never mind that you’ve just crawled through three meetings with enraged executives back-to-back and are ready for a bubble bath and subdued Bublé. 

    Experience expects that if you were to explain how exhausted you are, your friend would respond with a breezy excuse for why she should still come—something along the lines of she’ll fetch takeout for dinner, it has been forever, and besides, she won’t stay long.

    So, you lie. “I have COVID.”

    It’s the easiest way to save yourself from having to humor Ashley, you convince yourself.

    However, the Lord hates a deceitful tongue (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to untangle yourself from an unwanted visit will make it easier to craft another lie the next time around. Who is to say determined—or dense—Ashley won’t treat you to a repeat performance? Yet, according to Scripture, liars qualify as those who will spend eternity in the fiery lake (Revelation 21:8).

    Saying no requires fortitude but is worth the practice.

    3. Triangulation

    Bear with me as I continue the analogy.

    Let’s say your friend stormed in anyway, commandeering your evening, despite your lie about COVID. (She’s double-boosted and recovered from COVID herself, Ashley purred.) 

    If her behavior upsets you so much that you text another friend about it, you’ve just triangulated your conflict. 

    As the word implies, triangulation happens when three persons tango together. Instead of confronting person A—the one we have issues with—we complain about person A to person B. 

    Dragging another party into your dissatisfaction right off the bat might complicate matters and is definitely unscriptural. Proverbs 25:9 states, “Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another” (NKJV).

    4. Oversharing 

    Do you tend to overshare?

    Pay attention to how others respond after you share. If you consistently receive anything but a warm response, it’s possible you might have shared too many intimate details too soon.

    If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you tend to function this way. Don’t try to figure out the answer—just ask and wait for an inner response. Is there something inside you that craves acceptance? Attention? Affection? 

    Unfortunately, oversharing will not facilitate these things. It might only discourage others from getting to know you better. 

    Think of setting boundaries with new acquaintances as introducing them to your abode. 

    A stranger should only be received on the porch (and told superficial things like where you work and what you do). 

    In contrast, a pal you’ve met a few times can step inside your place. Perhaps you two can chat in the living room. It’s appropriate to explain more intimate details about yourself, such as why you decided to pursue your profession despite the pressures to run the family business.

    When that person has proven, over time, that she is worthy of a closer friendship, go ahead and entertain her in your kitchen—where you can both swap heartfelt stories.

    5. Retaliating

    “Boundaries are not a way to punish those we don’t like.” This Instagram post garnered the comment I shared in the beginning.

    The idea seems straightforward. Whether it’s because we’ve highlighted enough sentences in boundary-related books or because we instinctively get it, it makes sense not to weaponize our boundaries against someone else.

    But if you get into an unresolved brouhaha and time only dumps more misunderstanding and heartbreak, it can be tempting to retaliate.

    Here’s the thing. Some may not call it retaliation and employ euphemisms instead, like “I have to stop talking to Ashley for the sake of my mental health.” 

    Which sounds good, especially for a psychologist like me. Mental health is a valuable commodity to protect.

    But will you allow time and space for private—albeit honest—reflections? What’s the real reason behind your decision to set this particular boundary? Does the punishment, so to speak, fit the crime? 

    Weaponizing boundaries will never lead to a thriving relationship because it goes against Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

    Unburden the Unhealthy

    Anyone can learn the necessary skills to set healthy boundaries. But if the thought feels overwhelming, here are a few starting points you can adopt:

    -If you’re tapped out, name it. Don’t let shame coax you to adopt another assignment, volunteer an additional day, or commit to doing anything you don’t have the bandwidth for. God never requires you to worship your church leadership, so decline your pastor’s request if need be.

    –When you have to refuse relentless souls—think Ashley above—stand your ground. Say no with courage.

    –Share precious details about your life only with trustworthy individuals. Jesus tells us, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). The point isn’t to compare anyone to animals, but that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Disclose intimate details only when the time is right.

    –Always strive to resolve misunderstandings. Follow the steps outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.

    The last bullet point requires conflict resolution, which tends to intimidate many of us. (Perhaps that’s why resources on this topic abound.) If you enjoy freebies, however, download the bonus chapter for Surviving Difficult People, and you’ll receive manageable, bite-sized instructions.

    With practice, you can rework anything in your life that contributes to setting—or maintaining—unhealthy boundaries.

    Take it from someone who lied to set her boundary.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AaronAmat

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Sex before Marriage?

    What Does the Bible Say about Sex before Marriage?

    Some people engaged in sexual relationships outside of marriage before they were believers, or someone has a mistake or a slip-up. People cave into lust because they are weak and sinful. Even Christians can succumb to temptation because until they are with Christ forever, they will be subject to the weakness of the flesh.

    In both the Old and New Testaments, God promised that He is faithful to forgive for those who repent and have faith in Him. Through the prophet Isaiah, He declared, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). Scripture also promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God can and does forgive those who have sex outside of marriage, if they repent of their sin and turn to Jesus for salvation and forgiveness.

    A Prayer for Those Waiting until Marriage to Have Sex

    Holy Father,

    I thank You that You invited men and women to be a part of creation through the gift of sexuality and sex within marriage. Thank you for blessing humanity with Your love, Your grace, and the blood of Jesus Christ, which paid the price for my sins. Lord, please be with me as I pursue Your will for my life, whether that is through singleness or marriage. Either way, Lord, please strengthen me through the Holy Spirit to resist the desire to look lustfully, to meditate on sexual things, or to engage in sexual activity outside the healthy boundaries You set. Help me to focus on what is pure, good, and noble like it says in Your Word, and give me the strength to wait.

    In the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, I pray,

    Amen.

    Sex and sexuality is a gift from the Lord, which is why He dedicated a whole book of the Bible to it, which highlights the ups and downs of marriage, with an emphasis on the joys of physical intimacy. Christians should pursue sex in God’s boundaries, because it honors Him, and it is where they will find true satisfaction.

    “As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women… My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,… My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:2, 10, 16).

    Sources

    Driscoll, Mark and Grace. Real Romance Sex in the Song of Songs. XO Publishing, eBook, 2023.

    Walvoord, John F. and Roy B. Zuck. The Bible Knowledge Commentary An Exposition of the Scriptures by Dallas Seminary Old Testament and New Testament. United States of America: Victor Books, 1987.

    Wilmington, H.L. Wilmington’s Guide to the Bible. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1981.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/pcess609

    Bethany Verrett

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  • 5 Reasons It Is Dangerous to Be Unequally Yoked

    5 Reasons It Is Dangerous to Be Unequally Yoked

    In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul warns about couples being unequally yoked. To be unequally yoked means for two people to have different opinions when it comes to their faith in God. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” A yoke is a harness that farmers will place on two oxen to keep them together. When one ox pulls its head, the other follows. Because of this yoke, one ox can lead the other in a completely different direction from where it’s supposed to go.

    It’s the same in the marriage relationship. A Christian who marries a non-Christian can easily be swayed into going down the wrong path. Unbelievers can sway believers or compromise on their faith practices. No one is immune; even the strongest Christian can fall away from the faith if not careful. Christians must surround themselves with other Christians so they can do life together. Jesus always paired disciples two by two. There is nowhere in the Bible where anyone did anything alone. Being alone makes us susceptible to the enemy’s schemes. A couple who chooses to get married should be on the same page regarding their values and faith. 

    Here are five reasons why it’s dangerous to be unequally yoked:

    1. It Will Separate You from God

    Not only do Christians need to have a personal relationship with God, but this relationship with God is also especially important because one partner teaches the other about Christ. There’s no coincidence that when Jesus sent out his disciples in Luke 9:1, he asked them to go out two by two: “When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.” Jesus knew it is easy to be swayed by the enemy when you’re alone. It is important to be in community with those who have like-minded faith and values, so you don’t waver from the work God is calling you to do.

    2. It Devalues Your Partner

    A Christian’s marriage partner is not their charity case. It is not fair for a Christian to believe they can change the other person when they get married or that the person will change their values once they get married. A couple should love each other for who they are. They can simply point each other to Christ, who will transform them into more Christ-like characters. It is best for each person in the marriage relationship to choose each other and keep their faith their priority. This is so there are no disagreements regarding regular church attendance, raising kids, or their views on religious practices that may or may not contribute to their salvation. Each religion has its own views on faith, salvation, and who God is. It is important that the couple shares the same Christian views so one does not try to change the other’s worldview in the future.

    3. You Will Not Hold the Same Values

    Even if you get away with not sharing the same view or your own personal faith journey, it is important when children become part of the family. Both partners need to have a united view on how they will raise their children when it comes to religion. Will they be more free-range and allow the child to choose? Will they follow the scripture and “train a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6)? Even if one partner is more spiritually mature than the other, both need to commit to reading the Word and praying together so their values will align. A couple not in unity over how to raise their kids will be disappointed when their children stray from the faith when they become adults. 

    4. It Will Hinder You from a Vibrant Relationship with God

    Not only will your partner not hold the same values as you when it comes to faith, but he/she may also hinder your personal relationship with Jesus. One partner can be easily convinced by the other to skip church for one week. But as those habits develop, one week becomes one month, which becomes one year, and soon after, you won’t be able to remember when you last went to church. Without a local church to anchor you in the Word of God, and without a faithful prayer life, it will be easy to be swayed and your viewpoints altered more by your tv screen than your Bible. Prolonged exposure to cell phones, tv screens, and game consoles will alter your understanding of morality in God’s presence in the world. It will become easier to forget that God is in control of everything. He asked us to abide in his Word and abide in him so that through him, we can do the work that he is calling us to do.

    However, if you choose to marry someone you think will change over time, make sure you are clear regarding your expectations involving your faith. Let your partner know that you choose to read the Word and pray regularly, want to attend church faithfully, and raise your children to do the same. Anyone who doesn’t hold that view is not someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Divorce should not be an option unless necessary. Make sure you marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with. 

    5. It May Alter Your Calling

    It is one thing not to attend church together or pray or read the Word regularly, but it is quite another if one person feels called into some sort of spiritual ministry. People who feel called into the pastoral ministry need to have a partner who feels equally as called. One partner that does not feel called will distance themselves from the church, and the church will suffer as a result. A church who hires a pastor deserves to have a couple who is equally as dedicated to the ministry. Although the couple may take on different roles, they both need to understand the priority it will take in their lives. Sometimes pastors are awakened in the middle of the night to visit a church member in the hospital and preside over funerals or weddings on weekends and other special days. A family makes great sacrifices when a person is in ministry. This is also true if a couple is called into mission work. Each partner must feel called into missions work, or else the ministry will suffer as a result. 

    For a marriage to be successful, both partner needs to share similar views on many different topics of life. But none is as true as their faith. If faith is a priority in your life, you want to marry someone who holds the same value. Hebrews 10:24 says: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Not only will the two of you together be able to do sufficient work for the Kingdom, but you each will also grow and mature in your faith because of each other’s presence. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/mofles

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 4 Ways to Uproot Bitterness from Your Heart

    4 Ways to Uproot Bitterness from Your Heart

    Bitterness is something most of us have struggled with at some point during our life. It can be hard to uproot it if it is deeply planted in our hearts. However, God doesn’t want us to hold bitterness in our hearts because it will only hurt us and cause us heartache. 

    If you are struggling with bitterness in your heart, here are four ways to uproot it:

    1. Forgiveness

    One way to uproot bitterness in your heart is to forgive. Many people have hurt us in our lives, and it can feel impossible to forgive them. Unfortunately, we cannot uproot the bitterness in our hearts if we are holding onto unforgiveness. God wants us to forgive others just as He has forgiven us. If we choose to hold onto unforgiveness, it will only cause more pain. Very rarely will unforgiveness hurt the person against who we are holding unforgiveness towards. It will only hurt us. 

    Forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did is okay. Often, we are taught growing up to say, “it’s okay” when someone apologizes to us. In time, this has caused us to connect forgiveness with saying that what they did is okay. This is not what forgiveness is. Rather, forgiveness is deciding to give the situation over to God. You can forgive someone and still say it’s not okay. Simply because you forgive someone doesn’t mean it’s okay, nor does it mean what they did is forgotten. 

    Forgiveness comes from God. He forgave all of our sins the moment we accepted His Son as our Savior and Lord. He no longer holds any of those sins against us, and He chooses to not associate us with those negative things. When he looks at us, He sees His Son instead of the evil we have in us. Since God has forgiven us of such horrible sins, we too can do our best to forgive others. Forgiveness will help us to uproot the bitterness in our hearts. 

    2. Prayer 

    A second way to uproot bitterness from your heart is through prayer. Prayer is often overlooked, yet it is one of our greatest gifts from God. Through prayer, we are given the blessing of one-on-one communication with God. This means that we can tell God anything, and He hears it. If we go to Him in prayer and tell Him we are struggling with removing bitterness from our hearts, He can help us. Not only will He help us remove the bitterness from our hearts, but He will also help us heal from it. 

    You might have bitterness in your heart for a variety of reasons. Maybe someone broke your heart, or someone betrayed you. Your feelings are valid, and it is understandable that you feel the way you do. Go to God in prayer and tell Him everything that you are feeling. Tell Him about the hurt, the pain, and the heartache. He knows the pain you are experiencing, and He desires to help you uproot the bitterness. The Lord can help you start new again and give you a fresh perspective on life. 

    Never overlook prayer, as it can help you in all things. Even though you might not hear back from God immediately, He is listening to you. He understands every pain you have, and He desires to fill your heart with the peace that only He can provide. Prayer should not be your last resort when trying to uproot bitterness from your heart, but rather it should be one of the first steps to take. 

    3. Reflecting on God’s Love

    A third way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to reflect on God’s love. By reflecting on God’s love, we can release much of the anger that has been rooted deep in our hearts. The person who caused your bitterness might never know how much pain they caused you, but God does. Reflect on His love and strive to extend the same love to others, even to the person who hurt you. They probably are not worthy of your love, but God commands us to love all people anyway. In this way, you are extending God’s love.

    The pain you are experiencing now that has manifested into bitterness will not last forever unless you allow it. You need to go to God and have Him help you uproot this bitterness. Reflect on God’s love in your own life and the Bible. Allow this to help you uproot the bitterness in your heart and to start moving forward in healing. Nobody expects you to feel completely better overnight, yet you do need to maintain an active headspace of reflecting on God’s love and uprooting the bitterness from your heart. 

    God’s love far outweighs any love we could ever experience elsewhere. Our loved ones can hurt us, but God never will. He is with us through the pain, tears, and heartache. He understands the bitterness you are experiencing, yet He wants to take it away. The Lord doesn’t want to see you carry around the heavy weight of bitterness your entire life because it will only cause you to grow more angry, skeptical, and isolated. Love, forgiveness, and growth should be shown in our lives, not bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness. 

    4. Choosing to Move On 

    A fourth way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to choose to move on. As someone who struggles with years of holding bitterness in their heart, I don’t recommend it. It only wears you down and causes you to become cold. Choose to move on with your life and avoid allowing the bitterness to stay in your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and move forward. Life is too precious and too short to spend it with a heart of bitterness. Instead, choose to move on and love the life God has given you. 

    It can be hard to move on, yet it is vitally important. There again, it doesn’t mean anything they said or did was okay, but rather, you are making the choice to move on in life. Don’t allow someone’s hurtful remark, statement, or decision to cause you to go into a downward spiral of bitterness for years. Don’t let a memory of the past dictate your future. Give all of the pain over to God and trust Him. Genuinely forgive the person or people who hurt you and make the decision to choose to move on. 

    By moving on, you are opening up your life to a new set of adventures and opportunities to serve Christ. There is true freedom in forgiveness and moving on, which staying in bitterness will not give you. Choosing to uproot the bitterness in your heart will give you an opportunity to grow in your walk with Christ as well as to grow in your life. 

    Choose to take that first step today and remove all bitterness from your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and strive not to allow any bitterness to plant deep in your heart again. You will continue to go through difficult times throughout your life, but it is up to you if they are going to cause you to be hindered in your walk with Christ, or you can use them as an opportunity to grow in Christ. God wants us to use the hard times as an opportunity to grow in our relationship with Him. We cannot grow in Him if we continue to allow bitterness to root itself in our hearts. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/greenaperture

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

    Vivian Bricker

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  • 5 Reasons Culture Has Made Sex Casual

    5 Reasons Culture Has Made Sex Casual

    We can all agree culture has changed over the past thirty to forty years. Since the 1980s, movies and tv have been infiltrated with gratuitous sexual content. When the Bible stopped being a priority in people’s lives, they replaced it with entertainment. When people watch more television than they do reading their Bibles, it is easy to get confused about what is right and wrong. Because we live in a post-Christian nation, the values the Bible espouses are no longer the ultimate authority. Many people, including Christians, believe they can decide what is right and wrong for their lives. This has created a culture where wrong is right and right is wrong. Additionally, the average church member attends church only once per month. This is a stark contrast to the 60s and 70s when parents made church the priority, as well as Wednesday night Bible study. Church was a pillar of the family system long ago, but that is not always the case today. Because of this, sin (especially sexual) has become more casual, and more people are falling into it than ever before. Here are five reasons culture made sex more casual: Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/David Prado

    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 3 Times Jesus Said No to People-Pleasing

    3 Times Jesus Said No to People-Pleasing

    Initially, I had planned to attend the meeting. After all, it had been dubbed “very important,” and I was urged to be present. But as the appointed day approached, I felt a distinct check in my spirit. I sensed the Lord communicating that though this meeting was important, it wasn’t important for me to be there. I felt Him reminding me to stay in my own lane and devote my time to other projects He has given me. 

    This meant I was going to have to say no… 

    As a recovering people pleaser, I couldn’t help feeling nervous. I hate letting people down, and I sometimes worry about what other people will think of me if I decline a request. When the time came to let the leader of the meeting know that I would not be there, old fears came swarming back: What if they think I don’t care about them? Or that I’m selfish? Or unspiritual?

    But amid these worries, I stopped and reminded myself of an important truth: The ability to be selective regarding which requests I accept is essential to fulfilling my purpose. If I say yes to everything, I spread myself too thin, and nothing of importance gets done. However, if I can strategically say no to some things, I create space to say yes to the things that matter most—the things I know without a doubt that God wants me to focus on.  

    Loving Enough to Say No 

    While we tend to equate saying yes with being “loving” and saying no with being “unloving,” in actuality, declining a request is not necessarily unloving. In fact, when it paves the way for obedience and enables us to accomplish our individual callings, it can be the most loving and godly thing we can do.  

    Just look at Jesus. He was the most loving person to walk the planet, but He was not a people pleaser. He had a very clear understanding of His purpose, and He also understood that if He was going to accomplish His mission of redeeming humankind—the ultimate expression of love—He couldn’t be controlled by other people’s expectations. He was fully committed to following the leadership of His Father, and if anyone asked Him to do something that contradicted what His Father wanted Him to do, He simply opted not to. 

    Jesus’ Example 

    Though choosing not to comply with the wishes of others can be stressful, reflecting on Jesus’ example never fails to give me the courage I need to be intentional with my yeses and nos.  

    How about you? Do you, too, find it hard to say no? Does the prospect of turning down an invitation make your stomach flip-flop like a fish caught on a line? If so, I encourage you to consider some of the biblical passages that highlight Jesus’ willingness to decline requests, even when it meant displeasing others. 

    There are many such passages in the Gospels, but here are three to get you started. I hope they encourage and inspire you too! 

    “As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. Someone told Jesus, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.’ Jesus asked, ‘Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?’ Then he pointed to his disciples and said, ‘Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother’” (NLT)! 

    Here, we see Jesus’ mother and brothers make a request: Come outside and talk to us. But Jesus didn’t instantly jump up and run to His family. Instead, He continued doing what He knew He was supposed to be doing at that moment: teaching. 

    Now, it’s possible that He went to them shortly after making His “Who is my mother?” statement. But I suspect He didn’t because Mark reveals that not long before this incident, His family thought He was “out of his mind” (3:21, NLT) and had tried to take Him home. It’s possible that they were again trying to take Him away, and Jesus, knowing their intent, refused to cooperate. Whatever the case, it’s clear that He didn’t comply with their request immediately. His focus was unwavering, regardless of the interruptions that came His way.  

    This doesn’t mean that Jesus didn’t care about His family. On the contrary, I’m sure He loved his family very much, and I imagine He spent time with them on many occasions. But at the time of this specific ask, His followers needed His attention, and even though His family may have seen His delay as an inconvenience, Jesus didn’t let their request pull Him away from His present priority.  

    Parents and siblings call for us too (or, more likely in our modern day, text us), and I know how hard it can be to not respond instantly. But sometimes, we do best to do what Jesus did: tend to what’s before us at the moment and follow up with our loved ones at a later time.  

    “A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha…The two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, ‘Lord, your dear friend is very sick.’ But when Jesus heard about it he said, ‘Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.’ So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days. Finally, he said to his disciples, ‘Let’s go back to Judea’”(NLT).

    Here, Jesus received a message from His friends, Mary and Martha. While they didn’t outright ask Jesus to come, the request is implied in the statement they made: “Your dear friend is very sick.” They knew Jesus was the Healer, and they knew that if He came, Lazarus would recover. They probably thought Jesus would show up at their home shortly after receiving their message, and I imagine that doubts about His love started to creep in when He didn’t. We’re some of Jesus’ best friends—doesn’t that mean anything? Can’t He make an effort for us? Doesn’t He love us? 

    Jesus likely knew what Mary and Martha expected of Him, and He probably knew the questions His actions would inspire. Yet He didn’t let fear of what people might think of Him determine what He did. Jesus knew that God had something better in store, and He would rather risk being misunderstood than deviate from the directives of His Father. 

    How often do we comply with requests for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or for fear they will consider us “unloving”? Of course, I’m not suggesting we should ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, but, like Jesus, sometimes doing what will most honor God means that we must be willing to “say no,” even when it makes others uncomfortable or exposes us to criticism. 

    “One day the Pharisees and Sadducees came to test Jesus, demanding that he show them a miraculous sign from heaven to prove his authority. He replied, ‘You know the saying, “Red sky at night means fair weather tomorrow; red sky in the morning means foul weather all day.” You know how to interpret the weather signs in the sky, but you don’t know how to interpret the signs of the times! Only an evil, adulterous generation would demand a miraculous sign, but the only sign I will give them is the sign of the prophet Jonah.’ Then Jesus left them and went away” (NLT). 

    In this episode, Jesus was confronted by religious leaders who doubted Him and “demanded” He show them a sign to prove Who He was. But Jesus didn’t feel the need to prove Himself, and He didn’t cave to social pressure. He easily said no to people-pleasing because He was confident in His identity and was committed to doing only what He saw His Father doing (John 5:19-20). And clearly, in this case, His Father was not directing Him to perform a sign. So after calling them evil and rejecting their demand, Jesus simply removed Himself from the situation—He “left them and went away” (v. 4). The Living Bible puts it this way: “Then Jesus walked out on them.”  

    That sounds…a little rude, doesn’t it? But remember, Jesus was love incarnate. And He knew that the most loving thing to do in that situation was to rebuff their request for proof and then move on to something else—something that would be a more fruitful use of His time.  

    It can be painful to admit, but sometimes our reasons for saying yes have more to do with our desire to be seen in a positive light than with a genuine desire to do good. But how much better for us to follow Jesus’ example by ignoring the goading of doubters and shifting our attention to more productive endeavors? Because when we know who God says we are, we don’t need anyone else’s approval. We have more important things to do than pander to the critics! 

    Pleasing God

    Remember that meeting I mentioned earlier? When I was composing the text to inform the leader that I wasn’t going to attend, I felt bad. But as soon I hit send, I felt a confirmation that I’d done the right thing. I felt relief. Yes, it was possible they felt let down when they read my message. It’s possible they thought I was being irresponsible or unspiritual. But the bottom line was I was doing my best to do what Jesus did: only what He saw His Father doing—nothing more, nothing less. And as nice as it is when people are happy with me, no amount of people-pleasing will ever be worth the cost of disappointing God. He’s the Person I want to please most.  

    Though saying no often comes at a price, in reality, it is a gift. Without the ability to communicate that we will not do something, our lives would be like a rudderless ship tossed to and fro by the whims of the people around us. But when done wisely, saying no enables us to steer the ship of our lives toward the goals and specific good work God has called each of us to do.  

    I pray that as you meditate on Jesus’ example, you find the strength to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. Whether people applaud or disparage your choices, you can be sure you are pleasing your Heavenly Father!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ginosphotos

    Carina Alanson is a former professional counselor turned writer and artist who is passionate about helping women live with purpose and grow in their relationship with God. She lives in the subarctic town of Fairbanks, Alaska, where she enjoys going on scenic drives with her husband, skiing, snowshoeing, and reading by the fire. Visit carinaalanson.com to connect with Carina and get her free journaling workbook, How Do I Know if a Desire is From God? 5 Questions to Help You Decide, plus other resources for purposeful living. You can also connect with her on Instagram @carinaalanson and on Facebook @carinaalanson.

    Carina Alanson

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  • 3 Lies the Spiritual Orphan Believes

    3 Lies the Spiritual Orphan Believes

    The concept of having a spirit of orphanage can be hard for a believer to comprehend. For most people, it’s a simple idea to grasp the concept that we are adopted by our heavenly Father. But for many of us who grew up in abusive homes, it is difficult to believe that we are even loved, let alone wanted by God. 

    I spent much of my adulthood not realizing that I was battling an orphan spirit. But one week during a Bible study, I suddenly saw myself as little Oliver Twist in Dickens’ classic tale, slowly starving and desperate for more in my spiritual life.  I began to finally grasp how that image was holding back the blessing of me having a deeply personal father-child relationship with God.

    I had no archetype for nurture. No sense of parental pride. I never felt as if my parents were “delighted” in me or had big dreams and plans for me. And I felt utterly alone, even though I lived with three other siblings. The loneliness of an orphan is particularly cruel, because when a child is lonely, he or she at least has the safety and welcome of their home and family. For me, home was where I felt the most alone. It felt like an orphanage, where I was provided with the most basic of essential needs and nothing more. And I turned that outward orphanage and rejection inward, taking on all the characteristics of an orphan in my spiritual life. 

    From as early as five years old, I was told by my parents that asking for anything above the very basics I needed to survive was selfish. I had brothers and a sister that my mother and stepfather loved more than me. I was only due the scraps of love, the scraps of a childhood, and I took this orphan’s attitude into my spiritual life as a result. I felt that I didn’t belong in God’s presence. I was supposed to be “seen and not heard.”

    Over the course of my lifetime, the spirit of orphanage had convinced me to believe lies about who and what I was in the Kingdom of God. Lies that stole my birthright, like Esau, and made me bitter and always on the attack, like Barabbas. 

    As I poured my heart into writing my personal memoir last year, I learned the eternally valuable truth about who and what I really am…we really are, to our Father in Heaven. 

    The spiritual orphan has physical parents but is treated like an orphan. This kind of upbringing causes a person to believe many lies about themselves, and the lies affect every step of their journey with God. 

    Here are three of the biggest lies:

    1. “I mean less to God than other believers.”

    For me, this lie showed itself mostly when I tried to pray. I felt like I must surely be bothering Him. I could spend hours pouring my heart out to God for the needs of a friend or an unfamiliar name on a prayer list because I believed that God loved those people and wanted to answer my prayers for them. But me? I was convinced that God wasn’t concerned about my desires or requests, no matter how urgent.

    2. “I need to apologize for any good thing that comes my way.”

    I was convinced that nothing good is supposed to happen to me or for me. I learned to expect difficulty and struggle as a matter of course. I wasn’t supposed to dream, or set goals, or achieve any measure of success in life, because I was something less, something unlovable. Success and achievement were for children who were planned and wanted.

    3. “God is always just a little angry with me, and He tolerates me at best.”

    My father was a college athlete with dreams of a career in education. He wanted kids one day —but not yet —and certainly not with my mother. They never married, and I was a very inconvenient reminder to them both. For him, I was a momentary loss of discretion and the death of his dreams. (My father quit college and wound up doing two tours in Vietnam) For my mother, I was the son of a man she loved but who did not return her affection. She thought that having his child would win his heart. It did not, and she found herself saddled with a child she did not really want. This made her resentful and angry toward me. While I lived with her and knew nothing of my biological father until I was 21, I could sense that resentment and anger. Because I was a child and didn’t understand the situation, I came to believe it was my fault. I believed my parents could do no wrong, so I must be a bad child. For most of my life, I felt God offered me salvation only because I had messed up so badly, as we all have. He resented the sacrifice of His son on the cross for someone like me. He offered me salvation, but that was all I was getting. I was tolerated but not beloved.

    In writing my memoir, “An Orphan in the House of God,” I came to understand the truth of how my Heavenly Father truly sees me, what He thinks of me, and what kind of Father He really is. Here are three of the truths I discovered:

    “You and I were on His mind from the creation of the world.”

    When God hung the stars in the sky during the Creation, He put one there with my name on it (Psalm 147:4). It served as a reminder of the promise He made to Abraham that he would have a child for every star he could count in the night sky. Learning that I was one of those stars was life-changing for me. 

    “You and I are His personal creation.”

     Psalm 139:13-14 tells us we are “Fearfully and wonderfully made.” The Hebrew word for “made” here is the same as the word in Genesis when God created Adam. It speaks of an artist creating art by hand. That’s what we are. The first breath you ever took was the one He breathed into your lungs. When your tiny heart began beating in your mother’s womb, it was at His command. He has “Written you on the palms of His hands” (Isaiah 49:16). He rejoiced over you with singing and dancing the day you were born (Zephaniah 3:17).

    “He wants to give you and me the very best.”

    Jesus compared earthly fathers to our Heavenly Father (Luke 11:11-13). He tells us that if we, who are sinful humans, still give the best to our children, why do we think our heavenly Father would not do even more than that? He lets us know that our Father is so much more than even the best earthly father could ever be, and that He lavishes us with every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).

    If you have lived your life as a spiritual orphan, I want you to know that you were wanted and planned before the world was even created. God has never lost sight of you, has never had anything but the best plans for you, and loves you as His own child. You are not an orphan. You are His beloved.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Penny Tweedie

    Craig Daliessio is the author of the #1 Amazon best-seller, “An Orphan in the House of God,” along with six previous books, including “A Ragamuffin’s Christmas,” “Nowhere to Lay My Head,” and “Sometimes Daddies Cry: What a Dad Really Feels about Divorce.” He has a B.S. degree from Liberty University in Religion and is an award-winning mortgage banker. For more information, visit https://craigdaliessio.com/.

    Craig Daliessio

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  • It Is So Painful to Care: How Do I Conquer Apathy?

    It Is So Painful to Care: How Do I Conquer Apathy?

    Although we may feel guilty, weak, and stuck, God tells us that we really are free and able to engage in a battle in which he’s already inflicted the decisive blow against the enemies of our souls.

    Uche Anizor

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  • 9 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage

    9 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage

    I know. The idea of keeping romance alive in marriage seems like a lot of hard work to many of us. We are trying to make it through the day – and trying to be romantic seems like one job too many. We are just plain tired! Romance is not about the big things. It’s about the small things we do to express our love for each other. Dan and I have been married for almost 46 years. It is tempting to think Dan knows how I feel about him after all these years. But God has convicted me that keeping romance alive in a marriage is a huge investment in my husband and our relationship. And that investment honors God.

    Let me share how I am learning to keep the romance alive in our marriage. I have to confess that I don’t always succeed in doing all of these things well. But I am more romantic now than I was when we got married. And that is a big statement! So you can make that same investment and reap the same rewards of a happy and healthy marriage.

    1. Make Christ your highest priority.

    Every relationship in our lives mirrors our relationship with Christ. If we want our relationships to be healthy, we must have a healthy relationship with God. The earth is not the friend of marriage – but God is. God wants to use marriage, family, and home to display His very nature. If we want a healthy marriage, we must put Christ first in our lives.

    2. After Christ, give each other top priority.

    After Christ comes our marriage. When I have neglected my relationship with Dan, I have not only hurt my relationship with Dan, but I have also sinned against God.

    I thought Dan would understand that I had a busy speaking schedule and an exciting ministry to women. Oh, he understood. He understood that his wife made time for total strangers, but she did not have time to talk with him. There is nothing less romantic than being made to feel you are unimportant. Talk about a romance killer! Marriage takes hard work. So does romance. Marriage must be constantly and consistently nurtured to keep the romance alive.

    3. Go back to the beginning.

    Do you remember the qualities you so admired in your mate when you first met? The things that made them so attractive. Sift through the memories you and your mate have made together. Those attributes that first made you notice and admire your mate will rise to the surface. Make a list of those qualities and begin to voice them aloud to your spouse, children, and friends. Doing so will rekindle the romance you once experienced in your marriage.

    4. Discover your mate’s love language and learn to speak it well.

    Learning your mate’s love language and how to speak it will fan the flame of romance in your marriage. Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages, has had a significant impact on every relationship in my life, but especially in my marriage. We tend to think that everyone has the same love language. Not true. I have two love languages – time and gifts. My husband’s love language is touch. It can be something as simple as holding hands or scratching his back, but Dan feels loved as long as I touch him.

    I recently had Covid and was pretty sick. So Dan shifted into high gear. He knows how much I love soup, so he made three different kinds. He made sure I always had something to drink. The words “Do you need anything, honey?” became his mantra. Dan willingly became my servant.

    Sidebar: My whole family knows how much I love chocolate-covered cherries. A box of those scrumptious treats is always in my Christmas stocking. One afternoon during my battle with Covid, I was struggling with depression. Dan said he had to run a couple of errands. I heard the rustle of shopping bags when he returned home. My sweet husband walked into the bedroom with the biggest smile on his face and a box of chocolate-covered cherries in his hands. My husband didn’t have to say a word, but he was speaking my love language through time and gifts.

    5. Set aside an hour each day to talk.

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/David Nunez

    I remember the day I realized that our family schedule was completely out of control. I was racing through each day like a madwoman between school, church, football, soccer, cheerleading, and birthday parties. Dan was the lead teaching pastor of a large church exploding in growth. The phone was constantly ringing. An important meeting, hospital visit, or counseling session of some kind seemed to claim every night of the week.

    Something had to give! Our marriage was on the back burner, and I could feel our relationship beginning to splinter. A trip to the furniture store became a turning point in our marriage.

    I bought a love seat for our bedroom. We didn’t have room for that little sofa, but I made room for it. And every night, Dan and I would sit on that love seat for at least an hour and talk through our days. Problems, fears, hopes, and dreams all came to light as we sat and talked. It was amazing! Laughter replaced tears. Problems were solved. Fear gave way to peace. When one dream died, we dreamed another one as we sat face to face.

    Time together each day did not come easily. So many voices clamored for our attention, but as we talked and shared our hearts, we learned to hear God’s voice above all the rest. To keep the romance in your marriage, commit to spending time with each other every day.

    6. Have fun together. Don’t forget how to laugh.

    I don’t know about you, but it seems like a helicopter is always landing in our lives. It is easy to get so serious and overwhelmed by daily battles that we forget to have fun together. Remember fun? Laughter?

    Date nights have seemingly become a requirement for having fun with your mate. Of course, it is nice to have a night away from home, but it is also fun to curl up together with popcorn and ice cream, watching a movie in your living room.

    We often have the wrong idea when it comes to romance. Romance does not have to be complicated. The conversation does not have to be scripted. Just share whatever pops into your mind and heart. I love the truth that if you laugh more days, you will have more days to laugh with your mate.

    7. Keep a long-term perspective.

    The tyranny of little things can be toxic in a marriage. Extra charges on a credit card, a cluttered house, sharp and angry words – will any of those things matter when your mate is gone? Think about the day you will stand beside your mate as they die. Will the things that irritate you today be important in the grand scheme of things? If we let them, the minor irritations can snowball into significant roadblocks.

    Learning to discern what is important in a marriage is crucial to the success of that marriage. Romance has died on the altar of what seems to be significant and urgent in many marriages. Don’t get so caught up in the here and now that you lose sight of the big picture – a lifetime of commitment and love.

    We can cultivate the habit of dismissing the small things and concentrating on the big things like love, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Romance will thrive when we choose to look beyond the faults of our mates and see their needs.

    couple gardening together

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

    8. Maintain your appearance.

    Oh boy! I know I hit a nerve on this one. But I also know that I am guilty of just letting my appearance go because, after all, Dan is the only one who will see me. Right? Since Covid first began, I have battled a lazy attitude regarding my appearance. Baggy pants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt are sometimes my wardrobe for the day. I may or may not brush my teeth and fix my hair. Makeup? That is only for days when I go out. I’m just keeping it real.

    I remember when Dan and I were dating. I had very little money, but I could always find a way to dress in a way that he found attractive. Dan was important to me. He didn’t love me because of how I dressed, but I loved him and wanted him to be proud of how I looked.

    Women often hide behind 1 Peter 3:3-4 when it comes to their outer appearance. But read these verses carefully. Peter is cautioning us not to allow our outward appearance to be our only source of beauty.

    1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”

    Yes, God is much more interested in who we are inside than he is with our outward appearance. A gentle, quiet spirit is so much more important than our clothes, how we style our hair, the makeup we wear – our outward adornment. I know that. But having an inner source of beauty does not mean we have to neglect our outward appearance to be godly. After all, I am a child of the King. I want to dress like a child of the King. Does that mean I have to wear designer clothes? No! I have a shopping rule – never buy anything at full price. I have learned that when I shower, do my hair, put on a little makeup, wear a nice outfit, and tell Dan I did all of that just for him, I can see the spark of romance in his eyes.

    9. Keep your love life interesting.

    It is easy for your love life to become, well, a little boring and routine. I know this is a complex subject for many married couples. But a thriving love life refers to a healthy sex life and a life of intimacy. Intimacy is a crucial part of marriage and may very well be the most vital part of your love life. Sex and intimacy are not the same things.

    We have a friend who has diabetes. He is on several powerful medications that make having sex an impossibility. However, he would tell you that he has an amazingly intimate love life with his wife. He can share absolutely anything with her. They talk about everything in their lives – their problems, dreams, hopes, desires, and concerns.

    When it comes to the sexual part of marriage, let me say that it is never too late to mix things up. Be creative! Have fun! Dan had a meeting running late one night, so I put the kids to bed and shifted into high gear. I had a plan that began with rose petals strung from the front door that led to our bedroom, where Dan found several burning candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, and me.

    On Valentine’s Day, I covered our bathroom and bedroom with red and pink hearts strategically placed. For example, on the sink drain, the heart said, “I’d go down the drain without you.” On the light switch, the heart read, “You turn me on.” Dan would not let me take them down. Those hearts stayed put for a couple of weeks.

    You really can rekindle the romance in your marriage. God is for you and the success of your marriage. So, take a deep breath, and go for it!

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

    Mary Southerland

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  • How to Stay in Love in Your Marriage for a Lifetime

    How to Stay in Love in Your Marriage for a Lifetime

    I have two sets of parents. Both couples were wed during the Jurassic period (not really). Both were married almost 60 years. I watched each twosome grow old together.

    One pair barely tolerated each other at the bitter end. My folks were sweethearts until death parted them. Mom and Dad had a caregiver in their final years, and they confided that they wanted her to arrive later in the morning so they had time to snuggle and kiss!

    My Mom had mid-stage Alzheimer’s, but Daddy didn’t care. He patiently reminded her where to find her shoes and never scolded her for asking the same questions over and over again.

    Such long-lasting love!

    Yet long-lasting marriages can also become challenging.

    My in-laws struggled greatly in their latter years. Although they loved each other deeply, their days were filled with snapping, nagging, impatience, and frustration. Mom-in-law yelled. Pops pouted. At the end, they clung fast to each other and grieved that so many years were wasted in frustration.

    “Precious and Papaw” were excellent parents, phenomenal grandparents, and wonderful Christians. They just rubbed each other the wrong way. Their golden years were a bit rusty.

    Ancient Sarum wedding vows encourage:“For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. For as long as you both shall live.”

    My husband and I have taught a bazillion marriage conferences around the world. We explained the “marital satisfaction” scale as fantastic during the honeymoon stage, good during the childhood years, terrible during the teenage years, better as the kids left home and best during retirement-the “golden years.”

    We were wrong!

    Retirement is not always easy. Marriage can be challenging after partners stop working and spend long hours puttering around the house together. Some couples are healthy, wealthy, and happy. Others are strapped for cash, suffering with debilitating illness, grieving the loss of family and friends, and fearful of the future.

    So how do we finish the race with grace?

    God promises strength to persevere, but we have to submit to His plan and learn acceptance with joy. Here are three “Scripture nuggets” to revive the romance and survive the challenges:

    1. Accept one another just as Christ has accepted you.  (Romans 15:7)

    The whirlwind of family life may mask flaws that exist between couples. Toothpaste tubes, chewing loudly and leaving laundry on the floor become battlegrounds. Let’s face it. I have mentioned trivial irritations. However, there are more devastating differences.

    We reject each other when one spouse is anxious and the other is carefree. We fight when one partner is disciplined and the other procrastinates.  Jesus accepted everyone, even tax collectors and prostitutes.

    Acceptance means loving someone, affirming them and appreciating them whether they change or not.   

    2. Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)

    Burdens come in all shapes and sizes. They can be mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual. Some are little backpacks. Some are boulders. A farmer yokes his oxen together to get the job done. That’s why Solomon observed,

    Two are better than one…if either of them falls down, one can help the other up…though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

     “Two are better than one…” is Solomon’s way of describing the power of support and protection that marriage provides. The threefold cord is a picture of the amazing bond between God and two marriage partners.

    Prayer is the most important way we can bear our partner’s burdens.

    Christ is the ultimate “burden bearer.” He took our sins and suffering to the cross. Burden-bearing for an aging spouse may include dressing, driving, or helping with housework.

    Don’t try to do life without help. God provides family, friends and church homes to come alongside the elderly.  I have observed that those couples actively develop a support system will find it much easier to survive.

    3. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)

    Be gracious, polite and courteous, not rough, rude or blunt. My husband always opens my doors, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, and pulls out my chair. He is as chivalrous as Sir Walter Raleigh.

    Be thoughtful and helpful, not insensitive and selfish. Be understanding and compassionate, not callous or unconcerned.

    Be patient and tolerant, not edgy or easily annoyed. Be big-hearted, not begrudging. Be forgiving, not vengeful.

    Be gentle, not rough or harsh.  It takes energy and effort to be kind.

    Only Christ can accomplish such sweetness in us. Many husbands and wives don’t want to go the extra mile. It’s exhausting. But when your loved one is gone, you miss the inconveniences. The extra time is filled with loss and regret. Love while you can. Each moment is precious!

    Dr. Julie Barrier, along with her pastor-husband, Dr. Roger Barrier, have taught conferences on marriage and ministry in 35 countries. The Barriers are founders and directors of Preach It, Teach It providing free resources in 10 languages to 5 million visitors in 229 countries. The Barriers pastored 35 years at Casas Church in Arizona, Julie has served as a worship minister, concert artist and adjunct professor at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. She has authored or composed of over 500 published works.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Joe Hepburn

    Dr. Julie Barrier

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