Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?
“I’m not sure I feel safe with all those hardened human rights activists back on the street.”
Ashley Ortiz, Stance Analyst
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“American journalists belong in American prisons.”
Scott Sharzy, Hospital Landlord
“It’s amazing that Trump pulled this off without even holding office.”
President Joe Biden ended his reelection bid and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris to succeed him, saying in a statement posted to his official X account that, “It has been the greatest honor of [his] life to serve as your President.” What do you think?
“Nobler words were never mumbled.”
Ed Gilpen, Holistic Pediatrician
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“He’s way too old to drop out!”
Paul Nunez, Voiceover Coach
“Whatever country he decides to go to next will be lucky to have him.”
In the wake of calls for him to step down from the presidential race following a poor debate performance and concerns about his mental ability to fulfill his duties, President Biden held an hour-long press conference in an attempt to prove his fitness for the position. What do you think?
“I thought the one-armed push-ups were a bit much.”
Dennis Gowdy, Racket Stringer
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
“I’m fine with him being president, but he definitely shouldn’t be driving.”
EAST HAMPTON, NY—Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “hit[s] that on the daily,” referring to President Joe Biden. “To any doubters of my husband’s virility, let me just start out by saying that I hit that every single night, and it’s magnificent,” Dr. Biden said at a fundraiser, winking as she held up a special cushion that she claimed she had to sit on during her flight to New York while icing her “worn out” pelvis. “No, my husband is not a young man, but his age doesn’t prevent him from regularly pounding the ever-living shit out of me, raw and wet. You may rest assured that our nation’s commander in chief is relaxed and clear-minded each day from having busted so hard the night before. For anyone wondering if Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is still up to the task of the presidency, I submit as evidence the handprints on my raw red ass, which show the man in the Oval Office is a pure fuck machine capable of making me come again and again and again, the way the leader of the free world should.” Dr. Biden went on to say that the president only stumbled during the debate last week because his mouth was so tired from a night spent “jowls deep” in her pussy.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. “Our post-debate polling indicates that one of the only way the president can recover from yesterday’s catastrophic evening is by gathering likely voters next to the train tracks and using the sheer power of his jaw and neck muscles to pull a 4,000-ton train,” said Democratic political strategists Thomas Fitzpatrick, who described how the feat of strength in which Biden would hold a steel rope in his mouth and rely solely on his own brawn to move a seven-coach train would go a significant way toward restoring trust in the 81-year-old’s fitness for office. “There’s no way to spin the president’s evening of rambling answers and unsettling gazes in a positive light for Democrats. The silver lining here is that the party does have options. For example, Biden could also take a cannonball to the stomach or put two women on either end of a pole and lift them way up over his head. Whatever they choose, Democrats should act now to avoid a potential loss in November.” Analysts added that Biden should also wear a striped leotard to show off his physique and convince voters his strength is real.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—In the wake of what was widely viewed as a disastrous debate performance, eye contact-avoiding members of the Biden administration still haven’t said a word to each other since last night, sources confirmed Friday. According to sources, White House aides and advisors were seen averting their gaze as they wordlessly walked straight to their desks and stared at the black screens of their computers, unwilling to log on. Several reports indicated that, despite being an exceptionally busy work day in which members of the press were seeking comment on the president’s unexpectedly weak showing the night before, everyone in Biden’s orbit had sequestered themselves away from others and turned their phones off in order to avoid calls. At press time, the silence was finally broken by Biden’s pained moaning.
Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. “It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden’s favor now that voters have stumbled onto pretty decent shows like Baby Reindeer and Dead Boy Detectives,” said political analyst Aaron Higgins, adding that the shift signaled a renewed optimism with regard to what might lie ahead for American television. “While there was some lingering nostalgia for the Stranger Things episodes of the Trump era, many poll respondents answered in the affirmative when asked if their watchlists looked better now than they did four years ago. Data from recent surveys also indicated that Biden could effectively clinch a second term if he brought back Glow.” At press time, Biden had begun plummeting in the polls after Americans discovered the Hunger Games movies would be leaving Netflix at the end of the month.
WASHINGTON—At a press event Monday held to address the student debt crisis, President Joe Biden made a speech during which he appeared to forget the nation’s name. “Instead of saying ‘the United States,’ President Biden began using words like ‘bud’ or ‘amigo’ to project familiarity, but it was obvious he couldn’t remember the name of the country he had come into East Room of the White House to talk about,” said Casey Pritchett, a journalist who attended the press conference, observing how Biden frequently furrowed his brow, squinted, and paused during moments when he seemed to be struggling to remember that citizens of the nation he governed were called Americans. “At one point he said, ‘Education is the cornerstone of a free and prosperous society, and so we must ensure the next generation of our fellow, uh…our buddies—the people here in this place where we live—are able to afford college.’ Then he stated talking about opportunity, but instead of saying ‘the American Dream,’ he just called it ‘the Big Awesome Dream.’ I’m not sure he knew where he was.” Biden later issued an apology for the gaffe, saying he had consulted a history book to refresh his memory and confirmed that he lived in the Algonquian fishing village of Nacotchtank.
Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End
