ReportWire

Tag: Cashier

  • FTC Issues Fines For Sassy Retail Employees Who Cut Declined Credit Cards In Half

    FTC Issues Fines For Sassy Retail Employees Who Cut Declined Credit Cards In Half

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    WASHINGTON—Cracking down on the common but unethical practice seemingly rampant in department stores, the Federal Trade Commission began issuing fines this week for any sassy retail employee who held up a customer’s declined credit card and cut it in half. “A lot of these snobbish retail employees seem to derive a sick pleasure out of dramatically snipping the credit card belonging to a self-described shopaholic in half, rather than the standard procedure of handing the card back and simply informing them it’s been declined,” said FTC chair Lina Khan, explaining that these workers got away with the practice for years by blaming the credit card companies, claiming “they told me to do that” on the phone when the shopper looked at them, shocked. “This has been happening since the early 90s, and it’s time we took it seriously—that’s why there will now be a $200 minimum fine for any gum-smacking cashier with scissors in their hand, no exceptions. It’s not only about financial privacy concerns, we also want to cut down on the mental anguish that a consumer is put through when these rude sales associates inform them that they must go and have a little chat with their manager, which they proceed to do behind a nearby door with a little window, allowing them to look back at the customer and snicker within view. These people need to learn that just because you work at a mall, you do not get to be a smug mean girl and get away with it.” At press time, the FTC had issued a warning to American consumers to be especially wary of any retail employee possessing a vaguely French accent and dressed in all black.

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  • Existential Horror At Wealthy Elite Selling Off Humanity’s Future Successfully Sublimated Into Yelling At Cashier

    Existential Horror At Wealthy Elite Selling Off Humanity’s Future Successfully Sublimated Into Yelling At Cashier

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    FISHERS, IN—An encouraging scene reportedly unfolded at a local Kroger supermarket Monday morning when a local woman’s existential horror at the wealthy elite selling off humanity’s future was successfully sublimated into yelling at a cashier. Sources confirmed that Teresa Baker showed an astounding capacity for diverting the mounting psychological torment of her inability to realistically better her life in any material way due to forces well beyond her control into a six-minute tirade at a young cashier for the store being out of the kind of milk she wanted for the second consecutive week. While the mother of two was reportedly aware on some level that she was taking out her frustrations with an increasingly opaque and authoritarian system on a person who had absolutely no power to change it, she was able to triumph over these pangs of conscience by gathering her subconscious anger at the dissolution of social institutions by venal financial elites and displacing it onto a person she could actually confront without fear of retribution. Similarly successful were several bystanders in the checkout line, who sources confirmed were able to channel their own existential dread at the prospect of doing anything that might put at risk their ever-more precarious hold on what few creature comforts they did possess into making no effort to intervene. At press time, the deep-seated angst over living under a system that wants to make all human relationships transactional was successfully sublimated into apologizing to the screaming customer for the milk.

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