Tag: Britney Spears Justin Timberlake

Blake Lively Shows Where Her Millennial-Oriented Loyalties Are By Donning A Signature Britney Dress, Britney Swings Her Dick in Response

Even if Ryan Reynolds insisted upon wielding NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” (and its signature choreo) as the song for the opening scene of Deadpool and Wolverine, Blake Lively (a.k.a. Mrs. Reynolds) has seen fit to remind people that her millennial-oriented loyalties are forever with Britney Spears. Even when she “lightly” shades Lively for pulling an Ambular in Clueless by “going through her laundry.” Indeed, lately, and at their own peril, millennial women have taken a shine to paying major homage to one, Miss Spears.

It started earlier this summer with Halsey releasing what amounted to a bad cover version of Spears’ 2000 hit, “Lucky.” Although Halsey assured fans that she, of course, got Spears’ permission to use the song and “pay homage” to it with an accompanying video, Spears posted a rather unfavorable take on the single by saying, “For obvious reasons I’m very upset about the Halsey video. I feel harassed, violated and bullied. I didn’t know an artist like her and someone I looked up to and admired would illustrate me in such an ignorant way by tailoring me as a superficial pop star with no heart or concern at all. I have my own health problems which is why I took down my IG account yesterday. I will definitely be putting it back up to show I CARE. I’m speaking with my lawyers today to see what can be done on this matter. It feels illegal and downright cruel.”

Soon after, the post was deleted and replaced by Spears’ insistence that the condemnation was merely “fake news !!! That was not me on my phone !!! I love Halsey and that’s why I deleted it 🌹 !!!” Whether or not Spears’ phone was possessed by another person or another one of Spears’ personalities is at one’s discretion. However, based on this other recent “emotional flare-up” on Spears’ part, it appears as though she may very well have been the true culprit behind the Halsey shade. This based on the fact that, after Blake Lively showed up to the August 6th premiere of It Ends With Us wearing the Versace butterfly dress that Spears famously sported in 2002, Spears felt obliged to respond “indirectly” by, days later, posting a video of herself wearing a riff on the same dress (albeit shorter and differently cut) with the caption, “UPDATED VERSION OF MY 2002 VERSACE DRESS 👗 !!! I LIKE IT WAY BETTER. SHOWS MY LEGS !!! 💅🏻👗🌷🌷.” She then included the post-script, “I’m no @blakelively but I like it.”

Of course, while some might try to insist Spears meant “no shade,” her dick-swinging behavior of late was on-brand for her post-conservatorship, no-fucks-given vibe. (Besides that, why choose to make mention of the same dress and assert her dominance over it at the exact moment after Lively chose to wear it?) In point of fact, Spears has come a long way from being self-effacing and unwilling to take credit for all that she’s done for and contributed to music and pop culture, suddenly suffering no fools when it comes to “tributes.” Regardless of how effusive they might be. This even includes Lively’s gushing Instagram story post directed at Spears upon donning the dress: “Today’s mood. The ultimate queen who made us all want to sparkle and write and share our stories. Britney, us millennials all have a story of a moment, or of years that you made us want to shine and inspire awe, with strength, and joy and immensely hard work. Thank you for your example and your contribution to women telling their stories. So excited about your biopic and all you have to come.” Naturally, this sort of “love letter” to another “stronger than yesterday” woman is befitting of somebody who is known, apparently, as a “crown straightener” a.k.a. “a woman going around straightening all the women’s crowns around her.”

At the premiere itself, Lively continued to rave, “It’s Britney’s actual dress. It should be in the Smithsonian or the Met [instead, it was available via Tab Vintage]. But it’s on me. I feel so lucky.” Ah, that word—which also serves as the song title that Halsey recently “borrowed.” So yes, it would appear that the fellow millennial women showing Spears so much love of late aren’t exactly getting it in return in quite the same maudlin way, with Lively also noting at the premiere, “This dress meant so much to me because of what she meant to me.” Maybe, in this case, Spears was offended by use of the past tense, with Lively continuing, “Like, she was just somebody who represented, like, love and beauty and youth and hard work and determination and strength, and she was in touch with her sexuality and her delicacy and she just sort of represented it all.” To which one must ask: then what does she represent in the present tense?

During what some would like to call her “heyday” (a generally off-putting word used to signify that one’s prime is over), Spears wore the dress to Versace’s presentation of the 2003 women’s spring/summer collection in October of 2002, shortly after her very public breakup with Justin Timberlake—the one that, as she described it, turned her from a pop princess into a “harlot who’d broken the heart of America’s golden boy.” This stated in her memoir The Woman In Me. A book that also takes pause to mention what the Versace butterfly dress and the trip to Milan that year meant to her, with Spears stating, “That trip invigorated me—it reminded me that there was still fun to be had in the world. That party was really the first thing I did to put myself out there after the breakup with Justin—on my own, innocent.” A far cry from her declaration of being “not that innocent” in 2000. In any case, perhaps Lively choosing to home in on that particular aspect of her sartorial iconography felt, somehow, like an invasion of what the form-fitting gown signified to her: a newfound liberty—emerging from a chrysalis after being imprisoned in bubblegum pop/Timberlake land.

At the It Ends With Us premiere, Lively also mentioned, “When this dress was available I was like, ‘Yes, I need it!’ I’ve had it for almost a year now and I’ve been saving it for this.” Not just because one of Spears’ songs appears on the soundtrack, but because it does have a certain “floral-themed” quality to it that correlates with Lively’s flower shop-owning character, Lily Bloom. And while a few might question the relevance of the movie using Spears’ 2003 single, “Everytime,” during the ending credits of the film (performed, instead, by Ethel Cain), any millennial girl can tell you that the song was aimed at Timberlake. At the time when their relationship reigned supreme in the hearts and minds of America, the aftermath of that relationship proved just how, that’s right, toxic (to name another Britney single) the dynamic actually was. Much the same as Lily and Ryle’s (Justin Baldoni) in the movie. Or Lively and Justin Baldoni’s behind the scenes of making it.

In any event, like Halsey, Lively wasn’t deterred from continuing to express her love for Spears even after the “misunderstanding,” “hearting” Spears’ post about the updated version of her dress (the caption, in typical Spears style, was later deleted). A supportive move (in the wake of having cold water dumped on her enthusiasm) that was almost as uncaring and unbothered as Halsey saying, after Spears (or her “handler”) publicly declaring her disdain for “Lucky” 2.0, “I love Britney!!!! I always have and always will[,] you were the first person who ever made me realize what it means to feel inspired. And you continue to inspire me every day.”

Because, no matter what Spears tries to do to deter her original millennial fanbase, there is, evidently, no behavior she can engage in that would ever turn them away from her often uncouth responses to their expressions of love. Besides, when you’ve got a territorial dick to swing, you’ve got to swing it.

Genna Rivieccio

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August 14, 2024
“Please Please Please” As A Theme Song For Britney Spears’ Dating History

Perhaps of all the celebrity women who can relate to a song like Sabrina Carpenter’s “Please Please Please,” Britney Spears is the most equipped to do so. Even though it seemed like, at the beginning of her career, the “dating gods” smiled upon her with someone who was as then cachet-laden as Justin Timberlake. That notion didn’t last very long. What’s more, although Timberlake’s behavior and aesthetic should have been embarrassing at the time, it was instead the height of late 90s/early 00s cool (obviously, retroactive embarrassment caught up). Complete with Timberlake’s signature yellow “ramen hair” and, yes, the blaccent that Spears trolls so well in her 2023 memoir, The Woman in Me.

During their approximately three-year relationship, Spears was still in a cushioned period of being “America’s sweetheart.” Alas, once the two broke up and Timberlake went on what amounted to a “she’s a slut” campaign (or, as Spears put it, she was portrayed “as a harlot who’d broken the heart of America’s golden boy”), everything changed for Spears. The media attention she was getting only got worse and worse in terms of fixating on her “skanky” clothing choices and her so-called “bad girl behavior.” And it seemed that Spears, in part, simply decided to fulfill the image that the public had of her—in short, to give the people what they wanted.

Thus, her first fling after Timberlake (if one doesn’t count the dalliance that catalyzed their breakup, Wade Robson) was none other than Irish bad boy Colin Farrell (whose image has softened since that era). Granted, Spears wouldn’t have described it as a fling. Instead, she noted, “Brawl is the only word for it. We were all over each other, grappling so passionately it was like we were in a street fight.”

Although that brawl was short-lived, it didn’t take Spears long to find another fling opportunity that she tried to parlay into “till death do us part”: Jason Alexander. As the media ribbed at the time, no, it wasn’t George Costanza that Spears had eloped with, but some backwater childhood friend she found herself in Las Vegas with during a post-New Year’s Eve bender. “Forever” was hardly the word for their fifty-five hour marriage though. And Spears’ parents were quick to swoop in and do “damage control” by demanding that she get the marriage annulled.

And so, by early 2004, despite Spears’ scant “body count” on the dating history scene, everything had thus far fallen into place to align with the Carpenter-penned plea, “Please, please, please/Don’t prove I’m right/And please, pleasе, please/Don’t bring me to tеars when I just did my makeup so nice/Heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another/I beg you, don’t embarrass me, motherfucker, oh.”

Unfortunately, Spears had yet to endure her biggest embarrassment of all: Kevin Federline. And just a few months after her drunken two-day marriage to Alexander, she would meet the odious “K-Fed,” arguably the worst thing that ever happened to Spears in terms of affecting her trajectory and leading it straight to a sham conservatorship. After beginning their torrid romance in the spring of 2004, Spears and Federline would be married on September 18, 2004 (though the marriage wouldn’t technically be legal until October 6, after the prenup was finalized).

The ceremony itself was a surprise to the guests who had been invited under the pretense that it was an engagement party. But lo and behold, Spears instead offered her guests a wedding befitting of her “Southern trash” vibe at the time. This extended to a menu of chicken fingers, fries and ribs, as well as having everyone change into matching pink Juicy Couture tracksuits once the (faulty) vows had been made.

The honeymoon period with K-Fed was quickly over after the back-to-back births of their Virgo children, Sean Preston (September 14, 2005) and Jayden James (September 12, 2006). It seemed Federline was more interested in going out and partying than staying home and raising a family (cue the lyrics, “Well, I have a fun idea, babe/Maybe just stay inside/I know you’re cravin’ some fresh air, but the ceiling fan is so nice”). This revelation dawned on Spears after it was already too late. The disappointment of the marriage, coupled with her postpartum depression, made for a lethal mental health combination. Ergo, all the stars aligned to paint her as having a “breakdown” (or, in other words, a normal reaction to the shit that was going on in her life). By November of ‘06, she had filed for divorce from Federline, just two months after the birth of her second son.

In the wake of Federline, there were more “randos” in between, including her AA drug counselor, John Sundahl, and paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who Spears met soon after shaving her head on February 16, 2007. That relationship lasted until 2008…because, under the rules of the conservatorship, Spears’ dating life would be much more closely monitored. Something Jason Trawick didn’t seem to mind. That Trawick was already Spears’ agent seemed to indicate to Jamie Spears that he had her “best” “business interests” in mind at all times. Maybe that’s why he suspiciously made Trawick a co-conservator in 2012 (yet another reason many speculated him to be a “plant” in Spears’ life). Then there were the subsequent rando pairings of David Lucado (who cheated on her, quelle surprise) and Charlie Ebersol. This brings us to 2016, when Sam Asghari entered the fray after meeting Spears on the video shoot for “Slumber Party.”

While it seemed, for a time, as though Asghari might not be a shitheel ultimately using Spears as his cash cow like everyone else, things gradually revealed themselves to be slightly more sinister. That Asghari was also an aspiring actor only makes the following Carpenter verse all the more eerie: “I know I have good judgment, I know I have good taste/It’s funny and it’s ironic that only I feel that way/I promise ’em that you’re different and everyone makes mistakes/But just don’t/I heard that you’re an actor, so act like a stand-up guy.” Needless to say, Asghari did not. And Spears has since moved on to one of her worst selections yet: Paul Richard Soliz.

Hired as a “handyman,” of sorts, on her payroll, Soliz has a criminal record and possesses the same “deadbeat dad” aura of K-Fed. Whether or not Spears has learned her lesson and is just using him to fulfill her fetish for “felon dick” instead of actually trying to turn it into a serious relationship remains to be seen. But maybe, at this point, she knows better than to bother delivering the silent prayer, “I beg you, don’t embarrass me, motherfucker.” Her long-running taste in men pretty much seals the promise of that embarrassment. Which is why Spears might also be thinking to herself, “And we could live so happily if no one knows that you’re with me.”

Genna Rivieccio

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June 17, 2024
Justin Timberlake Didn’t Think Through His Latest Single’s Title, Or: Britney Spears’ Fanbase Shows Which Singer’s “Selfish” Is Boss

At one of the many uncomfortable points in Justin Timberlake’s first solo single (without the crutch of adding any features or being the feature) in almost six years, he sings, “You’re the owner of my heart/And all my scars/Baby, you’ve got such a hold on me.” In many respects, that line easily applies to Britney Spears. Like Taylor Swift and Kanye West (or Ye, if you must), the two seem condemned to be forever linked in the pop culture sphere. Of late, that’s been mostly Spears’ doing, as she’s finally seen fit to tell her side of the story that’s primarily “belonged” to Justin since their breakup in 2002. This came in the form of her bestselling memoir, The Woman in Me, in which she not only tongue-in-cheekly mocks Timberlake for his late 90s/early 00s predilection for attempting a blaccent, but also exposes him for cajoling her into getting an abortion. Worse still, an at-home abortion so that no media outlet could ever find out that she was pregnant with his child. For that would have really fucked with his “wholesome” boy band image (though, if he had been in the Backstreet Boys, it might have only helped his image). So would being outed for his tendency to cheat on Spears throughout their relationship, a reality she also chose to keep to herself (even when certain gossip rags didn’t) until The Woman in Me.

Unfortunately for Timberlake, he seemed to be orchestrating a “comeback” right as Spears reminded everyone, in the most official capacity yet, of what a douche he is. This has been proven not only in his dealings with Spears (who he kept bringing up and besmirching repeatedly years after the breakup, including on a horrific SNL sketch from 2009 called “Immigrant Tale”), but with, just as infamously, Janet Jackson, who took all the flak for the 2004 “Nipplegate” snafu at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Funnily enough, many have speculated that Timberlake “planned” the incident as a means to upstage Spears after her lesbianic kiss with Madonna at the 2003 VMAs just months earlier. If that was, in some form or another, truly the case, then both parties definitely got more than they bargained for. It also appeared as though Timberlake wanted to emulate and one-up Spears when she did a duet with Michael Jackson (specifically, “The Way You Make Me Feel”) for a 2001 special called Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration. Timberlake and Janet Jackson cavorted around the stage following each other in a similar fashion, and it might have stayed as respectable and well-received as what Spears and Michael Jackson did were it not for that “unexpected” finale.

The irony of Timberlake singing, “No disrespect, I don’t mean no harm” and “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song” right before Jackson’s nipple was exposed was almost too on the nose (or nipple) as well. Timberlake’s statement in the aftermath also didn’t align entirely with the one Janet made, which was: “The decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals. MTV was completely unaware of it. It was not my intention that it go as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended—including the audience, MTV, CBS and the NFL.” Timberlake, instead, used the term “wardrobe malfunction” rather than admitting that a planned costume reveal had gone awry. It was just one of his many selfish behaviors in the 00s. Which women like Spears and Jackson bore the brunt of because that decade was a period that favored dragging female celebrities through the mud for even the slightest hint of sex positivity. That made Jackson an even easier target because this was exactly the type of sexuality that society used against a woman to make her feel shame. In any other place (save for the Middle East), the exposure of a breast on TV would be nothing to write home about. In the puritanical U.S. and, worse still, on the NFL’s watch, it was. And Timberlake used that to his advantage in order to sidestep any real culpability. Even though it was he who seemed to rip the garment off a little too overzealously.

However, as usual, Timberlake displayed a pattern for setting women’s reputations on fire and then walking away looking like the better person somehow. Spears’ fans are no longer content to let that pattern stand and they showed as much the day that Timberlake’s poorly-named single, “Selfish,” was released on January 25th. And no, it’s not just poorly-named because it speaks to the heart of Timberlake’s actions up until the point where he was held publicly accountable for them in 2021 (after both Framing Britney Spears and Malfunction: The Dressing Down of Janet Jackson were released, delivering a one-two punch in terms of showing how complicit Timberlake was in each woman’s tarring and feathering in the media), “forced” by the deluge of internet trolling to issue a public apology (and a flaccid one at that). It’s also poorly-named because Timberlake (and his team of handlers) didn’t seem to take note that Spears, too, has a song titled that. And, although it’s but a bonus track from 2011’s Femme Fatale, that hasn’t stopped fans from getting it to trend and place at number one on the iTunes charts above Timberlake’s own “Selfish.” Ah, how embarrassing. To know that the sins you committed against someone who never spoke the truth about you until now are going to haunt you in some very unexpected ways going forward. Including this latest little “prank,” if you will, from the Britney Army (the fanbase with the most hilarious and karmic sense of humor, it would seem). A legion that has presently put a spotlight on just how different a song called “Selfish” can be when coming from two contrasting personality types (and not just because Brit is a Sagittarius to Justin’s Aquarius).

Indeed, with this previously slept-on bonus track back in the spotlight, it proves itself to be worth the revisit (as do most of the other Femme Fatale bonus tracks, namely “He About To Lose Me” and “Scary”). Comparing the themes of each song, it’s clear that Spears is coming from a genuine (and genuinely unapologetic) place, admitting it’s time for her to have a selfish night of fun (a.k.a. be selfish in the boudoir), whereas Timberlake tries to cloak his selfishness in something like “love” and “altruism” with a chorus that goes, “If I get jealous/I can’t help it/I want every bit of you/I guess I’m selfish.” It’s in the vein of John Lennon saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you/I’m sorry that I made you cry/Oh no, I didn’t want to hurt you/I’m just a jealous guy.” Not really useful after you’ve been emotionally and/or physically abused, but whatever.

Maybe that’s why Timberlake does his best to offset some of the chorus with a “softness” that makes him sound like he’s been listening to too much Taylor Swift. Because, as any Swiftie knows, Taylor is obsessed with “mark” imagery. So when JT declares, “Owner of my heart/Tattooed your mark” it sounds awfully familiar. And almost like he’s trying too hard to tap into his “feminine side” after so many decades spent relishing his misogyny.

Maybe Spears ought to have “S&M’d” him when she had the chance, perhaps only fully coming into her sexually dominant own after Timberlake had already done her wrong. And, speaking of “S&M,” that song majorly channels the overall vibe of Femme Fatale, released in March of 2011—just one month before Rihanna would drop the “S&M” remix with Britney on it (in fact, the song was originally written for Britney). Similar to the domineering vibes of “S&M,” Spears flexes on “Selfish,” “Okay, you think you got me where you want me/I’ma show you tonight (la, la, la)/That I’m a girl and you’re a boy/And tonight, you gon’ be my, be my man.” It sounds like just the sort of thing Timberlake, little boy that he was, needed to hear back when the two were together. Along with, “Tonight, I’m feelin’ sexual/Come on and play inside my love below/Strip down and give me my own private show [Britney loves talking about private shows]/I’m gonna be a little selfish, be a little selfish.” Instead, it’s fairly probable that Timberlake got to be the most sexually selfish between the two of them throughout their relationship. If for no other reason than the fact that he cheated multiple times. That’s pretty damn selfish (sexually and in general).

While Jessica Biel might like to believe this song was inspired by her, it’s apparent that Britney will remain his underlying (no sex position pun intended) forever muse (and, now, nemesis). Because if anyone’s the “Exaholic” (the name of an unreleased track from Spears’ Glory album), it’s Justin. Alas, his obsession with Britney post-breakup (this time unwittingly revealed by naming his song the same title as something she already did) has proven to backfire spectacularly (thanks to the fighting spirit of the Britney Army). Almost as spectacularly as naming his dog Brennan not long after Britney said that was her preferred baby name. With the revelation that Timberlake strong-armed her into aborting the child that might have been named that, well, shit, it’s just another bad look—no, another selfish look—to add to the pile.

Genna Rivieccio

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January 27, 2024
Not Justin Ken’ing Britney While She Was Having An Abortion

There is a very particular moment in Britney Spears’ revelatory The Woman In Me, during which she at last has the courage to rehash having an abortion in 2000. The baby, of course, would have been Justin Timberlake’s. Justin, at that time, however, was riding a bit too high on the crest of his success with NSYNC, and fatherhood would only signal a “death sentence” with regard to ~~his ability to sleep around~~ furthering his burgeoning prosperity. Britney, on the other hand, always knew she wanted to have a family. Repeatedly, this has come up in interviews with her from the very start of her career.

So, although it might have been “too soon” for Timberlake, from Spears’ perspective, “It was a surprise, but for me it wasn’t a tragedy. I loved Justin so much. I always expected us to have a family together one day. This would just be much earlier than I’d anticipated.” Timberlake did not see it that way, he being the one who insisted that Spears “get rid of it.” This, to be sure, is more than somewhat ironic considering how public he’s been about his pro-choice stance. And yes, having the choice doesn’t just refer to the choice to abort, but the choice to carry out a pregnancy. Timberlake did not allow that choice for Spears, bulldozing her into doing what he wanted because it would have damaged his reputation (“If he didn’t want to become a father, I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. I wouldn’t want to push him into something he didn’t want. Our relationship was too important to me”). And yet, years later, at a rally for Barack Obama, Timberlake declared next to his new girlfriend, Jessica Biel, “Nobody should be able to say what you can do with your body… I give Jess the right to choose where we go to eat all the time. The funny thing is, what the woman chooses is usually right.” First of all, vom, and second, it’s cruelly apparent that he didn’t believe Spears deserved the same “approach.” And gee, how kind of Timberlake to “give the right to choose” to Biel. Which was more than could be said for Britney.

It was already bad enough that, as usual, she was pushed and pressured into doing something she didn’t want to do, but, to add insult to injury, Spears recalls that while she was in agonizing pain on the floor of the bathroom, Timberlake thought it would be a great idea to come in and start playing his guitar to soothe her. Or, as she puts it, “At some point he thought maybe music would help, so he got his guitar and he lay there with me strumming it.” Yes, that’s correct, while Spears was doubled over in agony, Timberlake thought, “Hey, let me play my guitar for her. That makes sense. My music is all-healing.” There’s a reason “strumming it” sounds like “stroking it,” because all Timberlake was doing by playing his guitar in that moment was stroking his own ego with a masturbatory flourish. Never mind that Spears was on the verge of total panic because of the pain, and her awareness that Timberlake would not take her to the hospital if anything went wrong in order to guard his “dirty secret” at all costs.

Spears was also sure to make it clear that she was unsure about “her” (read: his) decision, and that, even to this day, she questions if it was right, remarking, “I don’t know if that was the right decision. If it had been left up to me alone, I never would have done it.” She added, “We also decided on something that in retrospect wound up being, in my view, wrong, and that was that I should not go to a doctor or to a hospital to have the abortion. It was important that no one find out about the pregnancy or the abortion, which meant doing everything at home.” Thus, not only was Spears strongarmed into the entire ordeal, she didn’t even get the luxury of having access to more complete, professional medical care for the procedure—all because JT would be “shamed.” Even though, in the end, Spears would have been the one to bear the brunt of the inevitable media backlash had the news actually leaked. For, as she also points out, “There’s always been more leeway in Hollywood for men than for women.” Plus, as we saw in 2002, everyone automatically sided with the false narrative Timberlake painted via “Cry Me A River” and its video.

Spears’ description of the breakup that ensued not long after her abortion was one characterized by being “clinically in shock.” However, in Spears’ position on the bathroom floor, she might also have been clinically in shock as a result of seeing Timberlake sit down next to her and play guitar in response to her visible physical torment. A scene she illustrates by recalling, “…I took the little pills. Soon I started having excruciating cramps. I went into the bathroom and stayed there for hours, lying on the floor, sobbing and screaming. They should’ve numbed me with something, I thought. I wanted some kind of anesthesia. I wanted to go to the doctor. I was so scared. I lay there wondering if I was going to die.”

For Timberlake to engage in the peak Ken behavior of playing his guitar in response to that exemplifies the worst kind of toxic masculinity. The kind that assumes it is gentle and caring when, actually, it is entirely narcissistic and self-serving. And so, with just one sentence, clearly drenched with shade, Spears recalls her own Barbie-esque hell. One in which the Ken of the scenario, Justin, seriously thought the thing that would help her most of all was his guitar-playing.

Obviously, there’s a good reason for writer-director Greta Gerwig to have so heavily featured this male trope in Barbie. For there have been scores upon scores of women subjected to this same form of musical abuse posing as…what? Romantic prowess? Sensitive boy swagger? Who the fuck knows what’s actually going through a man’s head when he decides that “strumming some tunes” is somehow the fulfillment of the ultimate female fantasy.

All that can be known for sure is that the least consoling thing to happen while a girl is having an at-home abortion is being “Ken’d” with some guitar. Merely adding to how viable the tagline, “She’s everything. He’s just Ken” truly is. And yet, for whatever reason, it still takes the Barbies of the world too long to understand that they don’t need Ken, it’s the other way around. Or, as Justin would phrase it, “You were my sun/You were my earth.”

Genna Rivieccio

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October 26, 2023
Britney: The Pop Star Barbie America Turned Into Its Fucked-Up Voodoo Doll

Britney Spears was never given much of a chance in the way of being “taken seriously.” From the beginning, she was written off as another cookie-cutter pop star from the Jive Records factory, including Spears’ boy band contemporaries, Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC. And, despite her massive success from the beginning, there was little interest from those with a “refined ear” for music in opening their arms to her (just their zippers).

Hence, a 2000 review (that barely made mention of the actual songs’ content) of Britney’s sophomore album on The A.V. Club was sure to lambast her for being “a true cipher, a dress-up doll programmed to satisfy as many different fans and fantasies as possible.” Harsh indeed. And yet, there is something to that idea. The one where Spears, in the early years of her career was this moldable Pop Star Barbie that fulfilled the Aryan ideal (long before Taylor Swift) of “the girl next door” who would also pull her skirt up if you asked. That was for the fulfillment of the Nabokovian male fantasy, of course. For the girls who looked up to Spears, it would be stated by polite marketing tactics that it was because she could be seen as someone you wanted to be “best friends” with. A greater truth was that all the guys wanted to bang her so all the girls wanted to be her.

Then came her inevitable “fall.” The one that conveniently coincided with her no longer being in her teen years, therefore “virginal.” Which meant it was time to paint her into the outright “slut” everyone always thought she was merely because she dressed provocatively for her stage performances and music videos. Enter the rumors of cheating on Justin Timberlake with Wade Robson. Then Justin’s almost immediate retaliation with the song and video, “Cry Me A River”—which, in case anyone was confused as to whether it was about Britney, included a very on-the-nose lookalike targeted by her jilted ex (played by, who else, Justin). From that moment forward, Britney was damned to be branded a “good girl gone bad.” One of the American media’s favorite tropes.

The systematic dismantling of Britney as “teen dream” to “cautionary tale” was further solidified in January of 2004, when she married her childhood friend, Jason Alexander, at a Las Vegas wedding chapel. It took no time for her mother and her manager to swoop in and convince her to petition for an annulment. One that provided language with eerie foreshadowing with regard to her conservatorship: “Spears lacked understanding of her actions.” It was obvious with that abrupt maneuver that Britney was in desperate search of someone to love. Particularly after the earth-shattering breakup with Justin. And if someone like Alexander could worm his way in, it was certainly no challenge for Kevin Federline, the catalyst for the eventual downward spiral America would see documented so fully in 2007. Just two years after TMZ was born, and being stalked by the paparazzi took on a decidedly British ferocity. In fact, perhaps only Princess Diana could know how Britney felt in those peak years of being endlessly pursued—thanks to the often million-dollar price tag that a photo of Britney could fetch.

And so, it all provided even more “reason” (read: motive) to make a spectacle of her, prove she was some “out of control” (that was the phrase actually used to describe her marrying Jason Alexander on an Us Weekly cover) party girl unfit to be a mother. Unfit even compared to Kevin fucking Federline. Who was given carte blanche to do what he wanted throughout his short-lived marriage to Britney, even though Britney assumed she’d have an actual partner around to help raise her children (and yes, almost every photo of Britney from that period is with just her and her kids, with no sign of K-Fed anywhere). This paired with her unaddressed postpartum depression brewed the recipe for Britney’s own addiction to form as a coping mechanism. The headlines making such damning declarations with Spears’ image attached as, “Time Bomb,” “Sick!” and “Hollywood’s Drug Problem.”

Even as a married woman (for the second time in the same year) to K-Fed, Britney couldn’t be deemed “tame” enough, stoking the outrage of “child advocates” when she was photographed with her son, Sean, in her lap while driving. Undeniably, members of the press were always waiting to catch the perfect shot of her “failing” as a mother—and if anyone had as many photos taken in rapid-fire succession as Britney, that sort of “proof” would be bound to materialize. Just as it did when Britney was caught almost dropping Sean on a New York sidewalk in May of ’06.

2006 was very stressful indeed for Britney’s motherhood role, as she gave birth to her second son in September. Just two months later, she filed for divorce from Federline in November of ’06. One that wouldn’t be finalized until July 2007, with K-Fed likely trying to hold out for a better settlement. With nothing left to lose (or so she thought), Britney took being single and in her twenties to heart again as she hit the Hollywood nightclub scene (most famously with Paris Hilton). Through it all, America feasted on her reckless decline (sometimes just called: being in your twenties), then pretended to act shocked when she got 5150’d. Anyone would be if they were put in a situation like that.

Then came the journalists’ endless splooge-fest over assessing what led to the “breakdown” (a.k.a. a woman simply wanting to have more time holding her son and locking herself in the bathroom to get it). Most harshly, Vanessa Griogoriadis in a Rolling Stone cover story called “The Tragedy of Britney Spears.” Among other descriptions of her time spent observing the pop star (no one seems to know how this story was approved), Griogoriadis states, “If there is one thing that has become clear in the past year of Britney’s collapse—the most public downfall of any star in history—it’s that she doesn’t want anything to do with the person the world thought she was. She is not a good girl. She is not America’s sweetheart. She is an inbred swamp thing who chain-smokes, doesn’t do her nails, tells reporters to ‘eat it, snort it, lick it, fuck it’ and screams at people who want pictures for their little sisters.” So there it is: the Pop Star Barbie America turned into its fucked-up voodoo doll.

Even now. Just take one look at the comments on what she posts. For example, “Can we actually have this page banned? I mean I think it’s in the best interest of the occupant that it gets completely logged out and deleted. Please, this isn’t what anyone was thinking Brittany would be free to do… it’s causing severe 2ndhand embarrassment and making ppl question their childhood lol” or “Literally do anything else please” or “She is filming this herself and it’s gross, have some dignity and think of your poor boys” or “This woman is definitely off her meds. There’s no one to keep her in check. Seem as though she is surrounded by ‘yes’ people, including her husband. ‘Let her be, she’s not harming anyone.’ YES SHE IS!!!! She has CHILDREN!! She is spiraling out of control. This will not end well.”

Who knows how it will really “end” for Britney, but it’s clear that something within her died quite some time ago when it was stamped out repeatedly by dissection to the nth degree. This includes, above all else, in photo and video format. Some would like to believe she’s gotten a happy “end” in her current husband, who, to be honest, seems like he was planted in her life. And, talking of him, he once had the gall to caption a photo of them together with the back-handed advice, “Women are the most powerful humans on this 🌎 fellas listen up: what they don’t teach you in school is that your ability to listen and agree with your woman 👩 even if you don’t agree is the 🔑 to a happy life 😎 What do they say? Oh… Happy wife, happy life.” It’s the kind of yuk-yuk-yuk misogyny that speaks to a man who isn’t really listening to a word “his” girl is saying, just nods along to get along—all the while thinking what a crazy little ninny she is. But, hey, ain’t she cute? In short, Spears is just recreating the relationship she’s had with America since the beginning.

Genna Rivieccio

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December 2, 2022
Britney Saying She’s Turning 12 Instead of 41 Has Everything to Do With Retreating to a “Safety” Age

Being that tabloid-type publications still enjoy the parading of a headline that makes a celebrity come across as unhinged, OK! Magazine frequently weighs in on Britney Spears’ various Instagram posts (which, as most should know by now, usually include dancing and twirling—and also plenty of shade) with more than a hint of judgment. One such headline referred to a post she put up on Thanksgiving wherein she referred to her erstwhile conservatorship by mentioning, “I know most didn’t get them in the past but I hope you’re all being served with my handwritten letters now.” She then added, in anticipation of her December 2nd birthday, “I hear the new thing to do is to have slumber parties and dance in the kitchen 😜😜😜 !!! I’m not turning 41 … I’m turning 12.”

Even though it was a light-hearted way to “brush off” her self-infantilization, OK! chose to bill that as “Britney Spears Bizarrely Jokes She’s ‘Not Turning 41’ But 12 Years Old Ahead Of Birthday.” But many might either empathize or at least be able to clearly understand that her allusion to that particular age is her “safe place.”

Granted, being on The Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t exactly a time of “innocence”—what with Justin Timberlake kissing her during a game of spin the bottle (Ryan Gosling claimed the same, but Britney insisted she only ever kissed Justin). Timberlake, among many other sources of pervert-oriented pride about Britney, would be sure to later announce that he was her first kiss. In addition to shaming her for lying to the media about being a virgin while dating Timberlake. Something he would keep doing well after their breakup, finding a way to incorporate Britney into a 2009 SNL sketch called “Immigrant Tale.” Playing the part of Cornelius Timberlake, he tells his fellow immigrants on the boat bound for Ellis Island of the exploits his great-great-grandson will have, including dating a “popular female singer… Publicly, they’ll claim to be virgins but privately… he hit it.”

Britney’s sudden lack of “credibility” in the wake of their breakup was further spurred by Justin, who did everything in his media blitzkrieg power to insinuate or outright declare that 1) Britney cheated on him and 2) they had sex throughout their relationship. One such announcement being made on a radio show when Timberlake was asked point-blank, “Did you fuck Britney Spears?” Without hesitating, he responded, “Okay yeah, I did it!”

All of this is to say that, while many people turning a so-called “icky” age would prefer to return to their twenties, that decade, for Britney, was her most traumatic, commencing with the Timberlake breakup that sealed the media’s sudden dismantling of her image as America’s sweetheart and culminating in her conservatorship. Placed under it at the beginning of 2008, Spears was just twenty-seven years old and would spend the theoretical prime of her life in this form of captivity.

And it’s only natural for her to feel as though time was robbed from her. Time from what is seen as the last dalliance with precious youth before full-tilt middle age. Now thrust into her forties, Britney’s bifurcated personality/identity crisis isn’t just about being caught up in the curse of an obsession with youth because she founded her image on a Lolita one, but because the safest place right now probably does feel like twelve.

Regardless of the fact that her parents were pimping her out already at that time, it was still her own life. And the work she did at twelve would end up providing the launching point to total freedom and agency with a solo career. What’s more to be that age and concerned only with frivolous, frothy things is likely all Britney wants at this juncture. For she’s spent so much of her life worrying about pleasing people, making one wrong step or, worse still, being threatened with loss of access to her children (who, tragically, don’t want to see her anyway) that it’s understandable for her to want slumber parties and dancing in the kitchen. Along with other “trifles” like makeup, dessert, planetary destruction through fashion and talking about hot guys (since the quote unquote hot guy she’s married to appears so often to be missing, when he’s not trying to get her to go Instagram Live against her will).

So yes, Britney can say she’s turning twelve if she wants to. If that’s the age that makes her feel best, why not? Plus, that old saying is true: you’re as young as you feel. And based on Britney’s posts, she’s feeling like the deranged twelve-year-old within.

Genna Rivieccio

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December 2, 2022