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Tag: Britney Spears 00s

  • Britney Spears Not So Coincidentally Releases “Scary” to Streaming Platforms Ahead of Kevin Federline’s “Tell-All”

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    While Britney Spears may not have released an album since 2016 (which means she’s going mano a mano with Rihanna in terms of retreating from music for almost a decade now), it doesn’t mean she’s lacking for material to keep unleashing onto the masses. Which is why, every now and again, her “team” will put out some proverbial “from the vault” tracks. As they did on October 16th with an official streaming platform release of “Scary,” which originally only appeared on the Japanese deluxe edition of Femme Fatale. And, despite the eyebrow-raising about Spears’ overall “withdrawal” from participating in the songwriting or music production process of that record, it does bear noting that she actually did write the lyrics to “Scary” (along with Fraser T Smith and Kasia Livingston).

    In truth, the lyrics have Spears’ stamp all over it. Not just in terms of the “parlance” at play, but because it could also be said that Spears, at one point in her life, might have applied the following verse to Kevin Federline: “Baby, I don’t know/How I’m gonna survive/This fatal attraction/It’s gonna eat me alive/I’m not supposed to want ya/But I do like I die/It’s turned me into a monster/Like I’m Jekyll and Hyde.”

    To be sure, it was a “fatal attraction” for Spears, whose more than somewhat impetuous decision to marry Federline after roughly five months of dating (the two had been together for three months prior to announcing their engagement in July of 2004, then got married in September of that year) has resulted in a lifetime of hell in exchange for just under three years of marriage. A marriage that, according to Spears, Federline spent most of abandoning her in favor of late nights out on the town while she stayed home tending to their newborns, with Sean and Jayden born just one year apart (the former in September 2005 and the latter in September 2006).

    So, in truth, the only “monster”/“Jekyll and Hyde” behavior was coming from Federline, who seemed to turn on Spears just when she needed a trustworthy and reliable companion the most. Instead, Federline has proven that he will bite the hand that feeds him over and over again, having opted to release a “tell-all” memoir called, cringily enough, You Thought You Knew. The implication being that the public thought they knew the full extent of Spears’ “shenanigans,” both back when they were married and in subsequent years when it came to her being around their children.

    Naturally, the release of such a book has probably been a long time coming, yet only took this long because Federline is finally off Spears’ payroll (indeed, the timing of its release is no coincidence at all on that front). Besides, this is the same person who released videos that were taken unbeknownst to Spears by her own sons when they were each eleven and twelve. Videos meant to imply she’s a “crazy” and “unhinged” mother. And no, they don’t make her look very “flattering,” but it’s certainly not out of the realm of “parenting behavior” to scold one’s children for things like going into a store without shoes on (yes, ironic when considering that Spears herself had a “no shoes on at the gas station” phase). Even so, the media took the bait, reporting on the videos just after Spears had gotten out of her conservatorship (at the end of 2021; Federline posted the videos in August of 2022). And also just after she had married Sam Asghari.

    The callous action prompted Nicki Minaj to state on her Queen Radio podcast, “Do you understand what kind of a clown you have to be to be a whole grown fucking man, and as soon as you see somebody happy and getting married and moving on and being free and feeling good in their own skin, to do the very thing that you know is going to attempt to ‘break them down,’ going to the media… You know, only cowards use the media against a famous person who they once loved, they procreated with, um, they’re being taken care of by. Using the person’s fame as this constant ‘gotcha’ moment… How dare you?” Minaj then added of Jayden and Sean’s involvement, “They’re kids, they don’t know how detrimental this is. But you know, cocksucker. Leave her the fuck alone” (a sentiment she has since repeated in the wake of Federline releasing his book of lies).

    Alas, Federline cannot seem to do that. Not only releasing his “tell-all,” which includes accounts of Spears taking cocaine while breastfeeding (as if) and having an affair with a woman (okay, sure), but also going on any and every outlet that will take him to do interviews about it. Yes, it’s all very “scary” indeed. With Spears having no recourse but to actually comment on the whole thing, posting a statement on her Instagram that read, “What’s scary [that’s right, scary] is he’s convincing. It literally blows my mind the moments he stops before he cries. Are you fucking serious?” Unfortunately, yes, Federline seems to think he is. And while Spears might have been overexaggerating when she added, “I know his book will sell loads more than mine” (for there’s no way Federline would be capable of selling over two million copies of his schlock), it’s natural for her to fear that. Because both Federline and her own family have conditioned her to feel such fear for decades. And maybe, at the time when “Scary” was written, this fear was part of what she was tapping into—in addition to tapping into being scared by her own amorous feelings for another (once upon a time, K-Fed).

    As she repeats “so scary” around the one-minute, twenty-three-second mark, use of the theremin instrument is designed to play up the “spook” factor (and yes, theremins are also used in the background of movies or TV shows to denote the cliché sound associated with aliens [side note: Spears also has a song called “Alien”—wherein a version of the theremin sound is employed at the beginning]). It’s the same sound also used in Megan Thee Stallion’s own song called “Scary” (released on her 2022 album, Traumazine). And, to be sure, there ought to be a mashup of these two tracks.

    In another moment of eeriness, Spears sings, “You’re taking over my mind.” Although intended to speak from the perspective of someone who can’t stop thinking about the object of their affection, it instead reminds the listener of the effective “mind control” those behind Spears’ conservatorship had over her. Constantly manipulating her with the threat of limiting access to her children. So no wonder she also adds the following verses to “Scary”: “I wanna take over your body like like like it’s freaky Friday” (amazingly, Lindsay Lohan didn’t glom onto that phrase by posting it somewhere, desperate as she is to call out her “enduring relevance” in pop culture) and “I wanna take you to a dark place/Make you, make you, make you do it my way.” Again, these lyrics might be meant as “sexual” within the context of the song, but when taken out of it, they seem to be echoing Spears’ not-so-subconscious urge to engage in some payback at that time. Wanting to take possession of others the way they had taken possession of her, all in a bid to break free.

    So, sure, some can try to say that the release of “Scary” to streaming is timed for Halloween/“spooky season.” But the only thing that’s really spooky for Britney this season is the constant reanimation of what should have remained a spectral part of her past: Kevin Federline.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • Mondo Ironico #8: Britney’s Formerly “Too Sexy For Children” Looks Suddenly Being Distilled Into Toy Form

    Mondo Ironico #8: Britney’s Formerly “Too Sexy For Children” Looks Suddenly Being Distilled Into Toy Form

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    In a series called Mondo Ironico, let us discuss how fucking antithetical something in pop culture is.

    For anyone who witnessed the rise of Britney Spears that truly began in 1999 (though her illustrious debut single, “…Baby One More Time,” was released in 1998), it’s impossible to forget that the number one criticism lobbed against her was being “too sexy” for the demographic she was theoretically “geared toward”: little girls, tweens and teenagers. As many pop stars after her would learn (including the likes of Miley Cyrus and Olivia Rodrigo), the pressure to remain “Disneyfied” was constant, even after Spears herself was no longer in her teenage years.

    The condemnation surrounding what she wore as her success amplified got so out of hand that, after the 2000 VMAs—during which she wore one of her then most scandalous outfits to date (a sheer bejeweled bra top with matching low-rise pants that made for a shimmering nude effect [with help from a coordinating nude thong, naturally] which presaged her literally nude look in the “Toxic” video)—MTV thought it would be a cute idea to make her sit down and watch some of the hot takes from people on the street about the way she dressed.

    Some of the comments included, “If I had a little girl, I wouldn’t want her to emulate Britney Spears, you know, if she’s like twelve, thirteen, anything like that,” “Think about those twelve-year-olds that listen to your music and think about the twelve-year-olds who saw you on the VMAs. Think what they’re thinking. They’re probably thinking that it’s okay to dress like that, which it’s not.” To this particular criticism, Spears responded to the screen, “I’m not their parent, man.” Another commenter added, “She’s a role model to little kids and she doesn’t need to dress like that.” The furor surrounding Spears’ body and how much of it she chose to reveal as the 00s went on reached another crescendo when, during her now infamous 2003 interview with Diane Sawyer, the latter knife-diggingly mentioned how Kendel Ehrlich (the wife of then Maryland governor Robert Ehrlich) said, in reference to the way she dressed/was a “bad” role model for her young fans (not the male ones, mind you), “You know, really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would.” Naturally, it came as no surprise that Ehrlich would later serve in the Trump administration.

    Conversations around Spears’ body and being “too sexy” gradually began to taper off after 2008’s Circus, when, conveniently, a new batch of pop stars began rising to prominence—including Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift (even if then still in “country” form) and Katy Perry (who didn’t know her peak would cease with Teenage Dream). This wasn’t just because the media was trying to be “nicer” to her after contributing to her very public breakdown in 2007 through early 2008, but because, by pop star standards, she was finally considered day-old bread (she turned twenty-seven the year Circus came out). In the time since then, it has also become less acceptable to make comments about a woman’s body or how she dresses—and now, perhaps even unacceptable to be anywhere near the realm of what Eminem would call a “stan.”

    By the same token, female pop stars have seemingly decided to “cover up” in general (with Billie Eilish being one of the first to set this trend during the teenage years of her initial stardom). This phenomenon was crystallized in a 2021 Salon article titled, “From Britney to Lorde: Young women shift from embracing body positivity to body neutrality as teens.” Which, of course, only adds further insult to Spears’ injury—as she seems to be positioned as some “relic” of what pop stardom used to mean when, in fact, she was arguably the last great show(wo)man.

    All of this is to say that, after everything Spears endured in terms of the venomous rhetoric about what she chose to wear (or not wear) during the first eight-ish years of her career, some of those formerly salacious looks are now being deemed perfectly suitable to be turned into Fisher-Price Little People. Specifically, Britney Spears is becoming part of the Little People Collector editions that have also extended to the likes of The Beatles and E.T. Obviously, compared to those two, Spears’ Little People renderings are patently more “controversial.” Except that we’ve now entered an epoch where there is really no such thing. In fact, it’s more controversial to be conservative in the present climate than it is to be “liberal” (mind you, if you tear the mask off a liberal, you’re likely to find a conservative). Thus, the ease with which Fisher-Price opted to make miniature versions of Spears in some of her most “notorious” looks is but par for the blasé-about-sexuality course.

    Among the looks selected to immortalize in “Little People” renderings is a version of Spears in her “…Baby One More Time” schoolgirl outfit, her “Oops!…I Did It Again” catsuit, her 2001 VMAs “I’m A Slave 4 U” costume and the flight attendant getup from “Toxic” (apparently, they had to stop short at choosing her naked-save-for-some-glued-on-diamonds look from that video)—and yes, these variations of Spears have already been rendered in Funko Pop! form. Her “toy-ification” knowing no limits, which of course has plenty of symbolic implications.

    Another irony about the whole thing is that it is precisely because of the decreased interest in sex (all in keeping with George Orwell’s 1984 predictions) that Spears’ formerly “overly provocative” looks are no longer a source of such frenzied “hullabaloo.” In short, no one is really “that interested” in the voyeuristic sensibilities Spears once stoked at a time when the internet’s sexual scope was far more limited. Thus, the sudden “no big deal” aura surrounding Fisher-Price’s decision (or rather, the millennial in charge of said department who likely made it) to turn these erstwhile “scandalous” instances in Spears’ career into toys suitable for “children ages three and up” (a very big range, obviously) is not just a sign o’ the times, but yet another slap in the face to Spears.

    Though, hopefully, at the very least, she 1) sanctioned the use of her image for this product and 2) will receive the majority of the money it rakes in. Though that still feels like a small token of “justice” for all the suffering she underwent for her “too sexed-up” persona before it was deemed suitable for distilling into a collectible toy.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • “Please Please Please” As A Theme Song For Britney Spears’ Dating History

    “Please Please Please” As A Theme Song For Britney Spears’ Dating History

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    Perhaps of all the celebrity women who can relate to a song like Sabrina Carpenter’s “Please Please Please,” Britney Spears is the most equipped to do so. Even though it seemed like, at the beginning of her career, the “dating gods” smiled upon her with someone who was as then cachet-laden as Justin Timberlake. That notion didn’t last very long. What’s more, although Timberlake’s behavior and aesthetic should have been embarrassing at the time, it was instead the height of late 90s/early 00s cool (obviously, retroactive embarrassment caught up). Complete with Timberlake’s signature yellow “ramen hair” and, yes, the blaccent that Spears trolls so well in her 2023 memoir, The Woman in Me. 

    During their approximately three-year relationship, Spears was still in a cushioned period of being “America’s sweetheart.” Alas, once the two broke up and Timberlake went on what amounted to a “she’s a slut” campaign (or, as Spears put it, she was portrayed “as a harlot who’d broken the heart of America’s golden boy”), everything changed for Spears. The media attention she was getting only got worse and worse in terms of fixating on her “skanky” clothing choices and her so-called “bad girl behavior.” And it seemed that Spears, in part, simply decided to fulfill the image that the public had of her—in short, to give the people what they wanted.

    Thus, her first fling after Timberlake (if one doesn’t count the dalliance that catalyzed their breakup, Wade Robson) was none other than Irish bad boy Colin Farrell (whose image has softened since that era). Granted, Spears wouldn’t have described it as a fling. Instead, she noted, “Brawl is the only word for it. We were all over each other, grappling so passionately it was like we were in a street fight.”

    Although that brawl was short-lived, it didn’t take Spears long to find another fling opportunity that she tried to parlay into “till death do us part”: Jason Alexander. As the media ribbed at the time, no, it wasn’t George Costanza that Spears had eloped with, but some backwater childhood friend she found herself in Las Vegas with during a post-New Year’s Eve bender. “Forever” was hardly the word for their fifty-five hour marriage though. And Spears’ parents were quick to swoop in and do “damage control” by demanding that she get the marriage annulled.

    And so, by early 2004, despite Spears’ scant “body count” on the dating history scene, everything had thus far fallen into place to align with the Carpenter-penned plea, “Please, please, please/Don’t prove I’m right/And please, pleasе, please/Don’t bring me to tеars when I just did my makeup so nice/Heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another/I beg you, don’t embarrass me, motherfucker, oh.”

    Unfortunately, Spears had yet to endure her biggest embarrassment of all: Kevin Federline. And just a few months after her drunken two-day marriage to Alexander, she would meet the odious “K-Fed,” arguably the worst thing that ever happened to Spears in terms of affecting her trajectory and leading it straight to a sham conservatorship. After beginning their torrid romance in the spring of 2004, Spears and Federline would be married on September 18, 2004 (though the marriage wouldn’t technically be legal until October 6, after the prenup was finalized).

    The ceremony itself was a surprise to the guests who had been invited under the pretense that it was an engagement party. But lo and behold, Spears instead offered her guests a wedding befitting of her “Southern trash” vibe at the time. This extended to a menu of chicken fingers, fries and ribs, as well as having everyone change into matching pink Juicy Couture tracksuits once the (faulty) vows had been made. 

    The honeymoon period with K-Fed was quickly over after the back-to-back births of their Virgo children, Sean Preston (September 14, 2005) and Jayden James (September 12, 2006). It seemed Federline was more interested in going out and partying than staying home and raising a family (cue the lyrics, “Well, I have a fun idea, babe/Maybe just stay inside/I know you’re cravin’ some fresh air, but the ceiling fan is so nice”). This revelation dawned on Spears after it was already too late. The disappointment of the marriage, coupled with her postpartum depression, made for a lethal mental health combination. Ergo, all the stars aligned to paint her as having a “breakdown” (or, in other words, a normal reaction to the shit that was going on in her life). By November of ‘06, she had filed for divorce from Federline, just two months after the birth of her second son. 

    In the wake of Federline, there were more “randos” in between, including her AA drug counselor, John Sundahl, and paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who Spears met soon after shaving her head on February 16, 2007. That relationship lasted until 2008…because, under the rules of the conservatorship, Spears’ dating life would be much more closely monitored. Something Jason Trawick didn’t seem to mind. That Trawick was already Spears’ agent seemed to indicate to Jamie Spears that he had her “best” “business interests” in mind at all times. Maybe that’s why he suspiciously made Trawick a co-conservator in 2012 (yet another reason many speculated him to be a “plant” in Spears’ life). Then there were the subsequent rando pairings of David Lucado (who cheated on her, quelle surprise) and Charlie Ebersol. This brings us to 2016, when Sam Asghari entered the fray after meeting Spears on the video shoot for “Slumber Party.”

    While it seemed, for a time, as though Asghari might not be a shitheel ultimately using Spears as his cash cow like everyone else, things gradually revealed themselves to be slightly more sinister. That Asghari was also an aspiring actor only makes the following Carpenter verse all the more eerie: “I know I have good judgment, I know I have good taste/It’s funny and it’s ironic that only I feel that way/I promise ’em that you’re different and everyone makes mistakes/But just don’t/I heard that you’re an actor, so act like a stand-up guy.” Needless to say, Asghari did not. And Spears has since moved on to one of her worst selections yet: Paul Richard Soliz.

    Hired as a “handyman,” of sorts, on her payroll, Soliz has a criminal record and possesses the same “deadbeat dad” aura of K-Fed. Whether or not Spears has learned her lesson and is just using him to fulfill her fetish for “felon dick” instead of actually trying to turn it into a serious relationship remains to be seen. But maybe, at this point, she knows better than to bother delivering the silent prayer, “I beg you, don’t embarrass me, motherfucker.” Her long-running taste in men pretty much seals the promise of that embarrassment. Which is why Spears might also be thinking to herself, “And we could live so happily if no one knows that you’re with me.”

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • Miley Makes Us “Jaded” By Offering Tired Visuals Amounting To a Dolce Glow Ad That Kind of Rips Off Britney’s “My Prerogative”

    Miley Makes Us “Jaded” By Offering Tired Visuals Amounting To a Dolce Glow Ad That Kind of Rips Off Britney’s “My Prerogative”

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    Giving us the third visual in five months from her Endless Summer Vacation era, Miley Cyrus’ “Jaded” video is not all that much different from “Flowers.” But, to the latter’s credit, it was at least far more dynamic (and so was the “River” video, for that matter—even if another instance of being overly derivative). Directed, once again, by Jacob Bixenman (though it’s hard to view “Jaded” as being very “directed”), the scene opens on a shot of Cyrus’ hands placed daintily on her white bedsheets (to accent her bronze skin tone, duh) as the opening guitar notes segue into her lamenting verse, “I don’t wanna call and talk too long/I know it was wrong, but never said I was sorry/Now I’ve had time to think it over/We’re much older and the bone’s too big to bury.” Obviously another song that addresses her complicated on-again, off-again relationship with Liam Hemsworth (culminating in un peu de divorce), Cyrus mimics the same sentiment from 2019’s “Slide Away” (“Move on, we’re not seventeen/I’m not who I used to be/You say that everything changed/You’re right, we’re grown now”) about being “too old” to deal with this shit anymore.

    What she’s never “too old” for, however, is imitating Britney Spears, which a lot of this video’s bed romping does. Spears, of course, learned most of her bed romping tricks from Madonna, who launched herself to mainstream fame by posing on one in bridal wear for the album cover of Like A Virgin. Thenceforward, audiences saw many other occasions when she was wont to loll around in a boudoir setting (e.g., her Blond Ambition performance of “Like A Virgin,” the “Justify My Love” video, the “Take A Bow” video and, more recently, her smattering of Instagram photo sessions featuring her “at home” bedroom stylings). And actually, about four years after the release of the Jake Nava-directed “My Prerogative,” a Rolling Stone article even called out the bed writhing similarities to Madonna’s during her “Like A Virgin” phase. Perhaps Miley could recognize Spears was paying tribute to M’s vibe as much as Britney’s, thus appearing in a jeweled cone bra number at one point in the “Jaded” video.

    However, before that moment, Cyrus is content to one-up Madonna and Spears’ provocateur levels by appearing topless in jeans (as opposed to topless in a blazer à la the “Flowers” video) as she does her rolling around. This transitions into her wearing a high-cut metallic gold one-piece bathing suit that manages to come across more obscenely than any two-piece ever could. In matching gold heels, Cyrus then serves “Hung Up” video vibes with her “practicing in the studio” aura, as complemented by a wood floor and wood-paneled wall backdrop. Bixenman then cuts to Cyrus outside in a setting that looks a lot like the Farralone House (which also more recently cameo’d as Amy’s [Ali Wong] vacation abode in Beef) from the “Flowers” video. But the palm tree backdrop indicates it’s a different home altogether. One she’s ostensibly carved out for herself without the “jaded” ex she refers to throughout the song. Either way, there’s still a pool. And one prolonged scene in particular of Miley sort of floating/standing as she stares at the camera in what’s supposed to be a “sexy” way actually comes across as super creepy, and could easily be soundtracked by a slowed-down, demonic-voiced version of the song.

    Billed as “dreamy” and “raw”—polite euphemisms for lazy and ill-conceived—the main purpose of the video appears to be for Cyrus to peddle her ongoing collaboration with Dolce Glow, a sunless tanner (because the 00s are never really over) created by “friend of Miley” Isabel Alysa. Hence, her “unfinished,” “au naturel” look. Complete with brunette hair for added “authenticity” (for, as Madonna showed during her Like A Prayer and American Life album cycles, a female pop star is taken more seriously as a “brownie”). Despite the Madonna influence, it’s Britney who emerges as the clear affecting presence. Indeed, it’s no secret that everyone rips off Britney at this point, but Miley has been a consistent “homage payer” to the Princess of Pop (as her own husband apparently likes to call her) being that she was the proverbial “voice of a generation.” Namely, Miley’s.

    Accordingly, the video concludes with a shot of Miley back on the bed looking “candidly” into the lens. In effect, it’s the same shot Britney opted to use for her final scene in “My Prerogative.” Except at least she did those scenes in black and white for a “tasteful” impact despite “ho’ing it up.” Cyrus hasn’t done that here. But it’s not because she isn’t willing to go full-tilt on emulating Britney, so much as the fact that a selfless tanner’s results don’t exactly translate well in B&W.  

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • If Only Britney Spears’ Sons Were As Protective and Supportive As Pamela Anderson’s

    If Only Britney Spears’ Sons Were As Protective and Supportive As Pamela Anderson’s

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    It hasn’t taken many people long to notice an unfortunate comparison between how Pamela Anderson’s two sons treat their mother versus Britney Spears’ (with Spears herself even making the connection)—poisoned against their matriarch from an early age, thanks to spending most of their time with Kevin “Meat Pole” Federline. That Anderson’s body was and is the source of giving so many men (and women) orgasms around the world might make less evolved blokes related to her uncomfortable, and yet, it was her oldest son, Brandon Lee, who was determined to make a documentary that would “set the record straight” about his mother while candidly telling the story of their family, to boot. Called Pamela, A Love Story, the movie is co-produced by Lee and directed by Ryan White, with the former also appearing in it to weigh in on his upbringing and the perception surrounding his mother. Not to mention his younger brother, Dylan “Dilly” Lee, who is slightly more reserved in his discussions, but nonetheless supportive.

    The comparisons made to how Anderson and Spears were similarly (mal)treated by the media and the public at large also became a point of interest in the wake of the documentary’s release (and, let’s be real, it was far better than anything Framing Britney Spears could hope to achieve—if for no other reason than the subject was actually a willing participant). Not that it should come as any surprise that people (read: men) like to denigrate attractive blonde women for their viewing pleasure. And, speaking of viewing pleasure, the infamous Pam and Tommy sex tape is of course commented on in Pamela, A Love Story, with Anderson stating that, at this juncture, she’s made peace with the violation—even though it felt like another rape. Just as the release of an entire series (Pam & Tommy) about it did. But, as it’s been made evident over and over again, Anderson holds no grudges against anyone. Much to Brandon’s dismay…

    For it was on the red carpet during the premiere of the movie that Brandon was asked, “Do you feel this sense of responsibility to make sure, especially as a son—we’re protective of our moms—to make sure that she gets her due? And why is that so important to you?” He replied, “Well, I think it’s important for a lot of reasons, but you know, when I go back and I even look at, you know, past deals or residual checks that come in, I mean, people would be shocked to find out how people really took advantage of her, and took advantage of a young girl making a bad deal on a big show, and she was the biggest star in the world at the time and I think a lot of people made a lot of money off that and I think, you know, everybody’s gonna have to have their day where, you know, we come knockin’ and I—no, you know, I think so because, you know, for instance, when she makes, I don’t know, four thousand dollars a year off Baywatch, that’s a crime.” The ardency with which he says this is in direct opposition to the blasé attitude of Spears’ own little terrors, who easily turned against her when she was finally home free—literally. Released from the conservatorship and granted the ability to live how she wanted.

    This included many nude photos and videos that spoke psychologically to her newfound sense of freedom. Photos and videos that her sons were “embarrassed” by. And if that’s that case, Brandon and Dylan have far more to be “embarrassed” about. But they’re not. They’re accepting and embracing of their mother’s talent (and it is a talent to be able to strip and pose the way Anderson does, not to mention her comedic brilliance in the shows and movies she’s appeared in). Perhaps because they’re “older” (twenty-six and twenty-five, respectively), they have a better understanding of their mother’s “lifestyle.” But no, that’s not really it. The fact is, they were raised by Anderson, nurtured by her. And it was obvious that she consistently put them above everything else; her first priority was always aimed at being a good mother. That might not necessarily come in the cookie-cutter package the more conservative-minded would like to see, but Anderson’s love was undeniably there throughout their childhood.

    Indeed, Anderson was committed and protective enough of her sons to refuse tolerating Tommy Lee’s physical violence in early 1998, after he struck her while she was holding Dylan, then just several weeks old (born on December 29, 1997, the “incident” occurred in February of 1998). Of his domestic abuse charge, he said in an interview, “Tommy comes third now, instead of first. I don’t know how to deal with that.” Get the fuck outta here with that narcissistic bullshit of an excuse. And while other women might have given Lee a “second chance” after that—even Pamela, had she not just become a mother—she decided to bounce (Baywatch-style). For the Mama Bear instinct took hold and she realized it was time to leave, not wanting to stick around and find out if he might be capable of such effrontery again.

    And no, she didn’t hold a grudge against Lee either. As Brandon confirmed at the aforementioned premiere, “She doesn’t hold a grudge against anybody… and that’s wonderful, but I would love to see her get what’s right.” This in reference to her being fucked over on royalties for Baywatch… and the sex tape, for that matter. Which she never received a penny for. Yet from Dylan’s perspective, it’s what really proved her purity, her true commitment to motherhood over the “benefits” of fame as he noted in the documentary, “I think it would’ve been a different story if she did cash in on the tape. It just shows you, right? That thing guaranteed made people millions of dollars and she was like, ‘No.’ She one hundred percent cared about her family being okay and me being okay. Never cared about money.” Yet, as Brandon stated, “If it’s your work and it’s your face and it’s your image, you deserve something.” The same could be said for Spears, whose image was effectively pimped out by her own family for over a decade. Luckily, Spears, in contrast to Anderson, knows how to hold a grudge. And definitely should—even if it’s against her own spawns, Jayden and Sean. The ones who finally prompted her to lash out at their grotesque comportment (including berating her for her “behavior” on Instagram) with the sarcastically-tinged statement, “I understand your need to live with your father as I had to play the perfect role for fifteen years for absolutely nothing.”

    This referring to how everything she did—going along with the conservatorship and playing the part of the “good girl” by not trying harder to break out of it—was so her father wouldn’t take visiting access to her kids away from her. Visiting access that Federline ultimately posted about when he put up secretly-taped videos filmed by Jayden and Sean that showed Spears yelling at them. A.k.a. instructing them to wear lotion and put shoes on in public (yes, that’s rich coming from Spears, queen of walking barefoot at the gas station).

    Before the fallout was further cemented by such increasing betrayals that revealed her sons had been firmly brainwashed by Team Federline/Team Conservatorship, Spears had once posted a quote on her illustrious Instagram account that went, “There is nothing stronger than the love between a mother and son.” A little cringe-y and Oedipal, but hey, her heart was in the right place. And maybe that strength will never truly break Brit’s bond with the sons she stayed quiet for throughout the hellish ordeal of her imprisonment. The fierceness of the maternal instinct is, after all, difficult to sever. And yet, it’s more than slightly demeaning when a woman, who loves her children with such ferocity, is accused of and painted as being a bad mother.

    A scene in Pamela, A Love Story speaks to this issue when archival footage is shown of Anderson getting pepper sprayed outside of an L.A. club as a paparazzo tries to shame her with the question, “Where is your baby? Where is your baby?” “With my mother,” she hisses back. “You fuckin’ asshole!” This idea that a woman can’t “have her cake and eat it too” by going out and having fun because she’s a mother is deeply embedded in the warped thinking of our patriarchal society. Spears was similarly lambasted for her partying “antics” in the 00s (well-documented thanks to the field day that tabloids had with portraying her as an unfit mother), still young and eager to sow some wild oats despite having already birthed two children. Yet, because of this, she was expected to stay home, fold her hands and sit quietly while Federline got the male perk of going out freely without any judgment.

    At a certain moment in Pamela, A Love Story, Brandon remarks of his mother, “She’s never worried about if she’s okay. She always made sure everyone else is okay.” The same was true of Spears, even after she was so egregiously betrayed by everyone in her family—sons included. The ones who so blatantly show no support for her and all she’s been through (they couldn’t even be bothered to make an appearance at her wedding to Sam Asghari). Regardless of the disloyalty, it’s unlikely that she’s capable of ever genuinely turning her back on Jayden and Sean. Enduring the trauma of watching them grow further and further apart from her has prompted such statements on her Instagram as, “I’ve cried oceans for my boys and I’m not lying!!!!” In addition to her declaration of their lack of affinity with her, “There’s being rude then there’s being HATEFUL. They would visit me, walk in the door, go straight to their room and lock the door!!! The MONITOR would tell me that he just likes to be in his room. I’m like why come visit me if they don’t even visit me !!!” On the plus side, after ceasing to “pretend” they actually cared enough to come visit, Spears clapped back, “It’s been kinda nice not having to ask about which day the boys are coming this week and making me wait two or three days for a reply!!!”

    What’s more, in one of the above-referenced videos posted by Federline, Spears is shown announcing to her sons, “You all need to start treating me like a woman with worth. I am a woman, okay? Be nice to me. Do you understand?” But, clearly, they don’t. So perhaps they could use some instruction from Pamela Anderson’s sons on how to do that.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • Britney: The Pop Star Barbie America Turned Into Its Fucked-Up Voodoo Doll

    Britney: The Pop Star Barbie America Turned Into Its Fucked-Up Voodoo Doll

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    Britney Spears was never given much of a chance in the way of being “taken seriously.” From the beginning, she was written off as another cookie-cutter pop star from the Jive Records factory, including Spears’ boy band contemporaries, Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC. And, despite her massive success from the beginning, there was little interest from those with a “refined ear” for music in opening their arms to her (just their zippers).

    Hence, a 2000 review (that barely made mention of the actual songs’ content) of Britney’s sophomore album on The A.V. Club was sure to lambast her for being “a true cipher, a dress-up doll programmed to satisfy as many different fans and fantasies as possible.” Harsh indeed. And yet, there is something to that idea. The one where Spears, in the early years of her career was this moldable Pop Star Barbie that fulfilled the Aryan ideal (long before Taylor Swift) of “the girl next door” who would also pull her skirt up if you asked. That was for the fulfillment of the Nabokovian male fantasy, of course. For the girls who looked up to Spears, it would be stated by polite marketing tactics that it was because she could be seen as someone you wanted to be “best friends” with. A greater truth was that all the guys wanted to bang her so all the girls wanted to be her.

    Then came her inevitable “fall.” The one that conveniently coincided with her no longer being in her teen years, therefore “virginal.” Which meant it was time to paint her into the outright “slut” everyone always thought she was merely because she dressed provocatively for her stage performances and music videos. Enter the rumors of cheating on Justin Timberlake with Wade Robson. Then Justin’s almost immediate retaliation with the song and video, “Cry Me A River”—which, in case anyone was confused as to whether it was about Britney, included a very on-the-nose lookalike targeted by her jilted ex (played by, who else, Justin). From that moment forward, Britney was damned to be branded a “good girl gone bad.” One of the American media’s favorite tropes.

    The systematic dismantling of Britney as “teen dream” to “cautionary tale” was further solidified in January of 2004, when she married her childhood friend, Jason Alexander, at a Las Vegas wedding chapel. It took no time for her mother and her manager to swoop in and convince her to petition for an annulment. One that provided language with eerie foreshadowing with regard to her conservatorship: “Spears lacked understanding of her actions.” It was obvious with that abrupt maneuver that Britney was in desperate search of someone to love. Particularly after the earth-shattering breakup with Justin. And if someone like Alexander could worm his way in, it was certainly no challenge for Kevin Federline, the catalyst for the eventual downward spiral America would see documented so fully in 2007. Just two years after TMZ was born, and being stalked by the paparazzi took on a decidedly British ferocity. In fact, perhaps only Princess Diana could know how Britney felt in those peak years of being endlessly pursued—thanks to the often million-dollar price tag that a photo of Britney could fetch.

    And so, it all provided even more “reason” (read: motive) to make a spectacle of her, prove she was some “out of control” (that was the phrase actually used to describe her marrying Jason Alexander on an Us Weekly cover) party girl unfit to be a mother. Unfit even compared to Kevin fucking Federline. Who was given carte blanche to do what he wanted throughout his short-lived marriage to Britney, even though Britney assumed she’d have an actual partner around to help raise her children (and yes, almost every photo of Britney from that period is with just her and her kids, with no sign of K-Fed anywhere). This paired with her unaddressed postpartum depression brewed the recipe for Britney’s own addiction to form as a coping mechanism. The headlines making such damning declarations with Spears’ image attached as, “Time Bomb,” “Sick!” and “Hollywood’s Drug Problem.”

    Even as a married woman (for the second time in the same year) to K-Fed, Britney couldn’t be deemed “tame” enough, stoking the outrage of “child advocates” when she was photographed with her son, Sean, in her lap while driving. Undeniably, members of the press were always waiting to catch the perfect shot of her “failing” as a mother—and if anyone had as many photos taken in rapid-fire succession as Britney, that sort of “proof” would be bound to materialize. Just as it did when Britney was caught almost dropping Sean on a New York sidewalk in May of ’06.

    2006 was very stressful indeed for Britney’s motherhood role, as she gave birth to her second son in September. Just two months later, she filed for divorce from Federline in November of ’06. One that wouldn’t be finalized until July 2007, with K-Fed likely trying to hold out for a better settlement. With nothing left to lose (or so she thought), Britney took being single and in her twenties to heart again as she hit the Hollywood nightclub scene (most famously with Paris Hilton). Through it all, America feasted on her reckless decline (sometimes just called: being in your twenties), then pretended to act shocked when she got 5150’d. Anyone would be if they were put in a situation like that.

    Then came the journalists’ endless splooge-fest over assessing what led to the “breakdown” (a.k.a. a woman simply wanting to have more time holding her son and locking herself in the bathroom to get it). Most harshly, Vanessa Griogoriadis in a Rolling Stone cover story called “The Tragedy of Britney Spears.” Among other descriptions of her time spent observing the pop star (no one seems to know how this story was approved), Griogoriadis states, “If there is one thing that has become clear in the past year of Britney’s collapse—the most public downfall of any star in history—it’s that she doesn’t want anything to do with the person the world thought she was. She is not a good girl. She is not America’s sweetheart. She is an inbred swamp thing who chain-smokes, doesn’t do her nails, tells reporters to ‘eat it, snort it, lick it, fuck it’ and screams at people who want pictures for their little sisters.” So there it is: the Pop Star Barbie America turned into its fucked-up voodoo doll.

    Even now. Just take one look at the comments on what she posts. For example, “Can we actually have this page banned? I mean I think it’s in the best interest of the occupant that it gets completely logged out and deleted. Please, this isn’t what anyone was thinking Brittany would be free to do… it’s causing severe 2ndhand embarrassment and making ppl question their childhood lol” or “Literally do anything else please” or “She is filming this herself and it’s gross, have some dignity and think of your poor boys” or “This woman is definitely off her meds. There’s no one to keep her in check. Seem as though she is surrounded by ‘yes’ people, including her husband. ‘Let her be, she’s not harming anyone.’ YES SHE IS!!!! She has CHILDREN!! She is spiraling out of control. This will not end well.”

    Who knows how it will really “end” for Britney, but it’s clear that something within her died quite some time ago when it was stamped out repeatedly by dissection to the nth degree. This includes, above all else, in photo and video format. Some would like to believe she’s gotten a happy “end” in her current husband, who, to be honest, seems like he was planted in her life. And, talking of him, he once had the gall to caption a photo of them together with the back-handed advice, “Women are the most powerful humans on this 🌎 fellas listen up: what they don’t teach you in school is that your ability to listen and agree with your woman 👩 even if you don’t agree is the 🔑 to a happy life 😎 What do they say? Oh… Happy wife, happy life.” It’s the kind of yuk-yuk-yuk misogyny that speaks to a man who isn’t really listening to a word “his” girl is saying, just nods along to get along—all the while thinking what a crazy little ninny she is. But, hey, ain’t she cute? In short, Spears is just recreating the relationship she’s had with America since the beginning.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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  • Britney Saying She’s Turning 12 Instead of 41 Has Everything to Do With Retreating to a “Safety” Age

    Britney Saying She’s Turning 12 Instead of 41 Has Everything to Do With Retreating to a “Safety” Age

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    Being that tabloid-type publications still enjoy the parading of a headline that makes a celebrity come across as unhinged, OK! Magazine frequently weighs in on Britney Spears’ various Instagram posts (which, as most should know by now, usually include dancing and twirling—and also plenty of shade) with more than a hint of judgment. One such headline referred to a post she put up on Thanksgiving wherein she referred to her erstwhile conservatorship by mentioning, “I know most didn’t get them in the past but I hope you’re all being served with my handwritten letters now.” She then added, in anticipation of her December 2nd birthday, “I hear the new thing to do is to have slumber parties and dance in the kitchen 😜😜😜 !!! I’m not turning 41 … I’m turning 12.”

    Even though it was a light-hearted way to “brush off” her self-infantilization, OK! chose to bill that as “Britney Spears Bizarrely Jokes She’s ‘Not Turning 41’ But 12 Years Old Ahead Of Birthday.” But many might either empathize or at least be able to clearly understand that her allusion to that particular age is her “safe place.”

    Granted, being on The Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t exactly a time of “innocence”—what with Justin Timberlake kissing her during a game of spin the bottle (Ryan Gosling claimed the same, but Britney insisted she only ever kissed Justin). Timberlake, among many other sources of pervert-oriented pride about Britney, would be sure to later announce that he was her first kiss. In addition to shaming her for lying to the media about being a virgin while dating Timberlake. Something he would keep doing well after their breakup, finding a way to incorporate Britney into a 2009 SNL sketch called “Immigrant Tale.” Playing the part of Cornelius Timberlake, he tells his fellow immigrants on the boat bound for Ellis Island of the exploits his great-great-grandson will have, including dating a “popular female singer… Publicly, they’ll claim to be virgins but privately… he hit it.”

    Britney’s sudden lack of “credibility” in the wake of their breakup was further spurred by Justin, who did everything in his media blitzkrieg power to insinuate or outright declare that 1) Britney cheated on him and 2) they had sex throughout their relationship. One such announcement being made on a radio show when Timberlake was asked point-blank, “Did you fuck Britney Spears?” Without hesitating, he responded, “Okay yeah, I did it!”

    All of this is to say that, while many people turning a so-called “icky” age would prefer to return to their twenties, that decade, for Britney, was her most traumatic, commencing with the Timberlake breakup that sealed the media’s sudden dismantling of her image as America’s sweetheart and culminating in her conservatorship. Placed under it at the beginning of 2008, Spears was just twenty-seven years old and would spend the theoretical prime of her life in this form of captivity.

    And it’s only natural for her to feel as though time was robbed from her. Time from what is seen as the last dalliance with precious youth before full-tilt middle age. Now thrust into her forties, Britney’s bifurcated personality/identity crisis isn’t just about being caught up in the curse of an obsession with youth because she founded her image on a Lolita one, but because the safest place right now probably does feel like twelve.

    Regardless of the fact that her parents were pimping her out already at that time, it was still her own life. And the work she did at twelve would end up providing the launching point to total freedom and agency with a solo career. What’s more to be that age and concerned only with frivolous, frothy things is likely all Britney wants at this juncture. For she’s spent so much of her life worrying about pleasing people, making one wrong step or, worse still, being threatened with loss of access to her children (who, tragically, don’t want to see her anyway) that it’s understandable for her to want slumber parties and dancing in the kitchen. Along with other “trifles” like makeup, dessert, planetary destruction through fashion and talking about hot guys (since the quote unquote hot guy she’s married to appears so often to be missing, when he’s not trying to get her to go Instagram Live against her will).

    So yes, Britney can say she’s turning twelve if she wants to. If that’s the age that makes her feel best, why not? Plus, that old saying is true: you’re as young as you feel. And based on Britney’s posts, she’s feeling like the deranged twelve-year-old within.

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    Genna Rivieccio

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