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WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less of an impulse to go out, come home late at night, and beat the living shit out of everyone I love,” said Thatcher, adding that while the hiatus from drinking was hard, it was impossible to deny that he felt happier, looked healthier, and seemed to have greatly reduced the number of times per day that he physically and emotionally terrorized his wife and two young children. “Physically, I feel better because my knuckles almost never bleed. Financially, I save a ton of money because I’m not kicking down doors, punching holes through walls, or setting the couch on fire. And mentally, I almost always sleep through the night now because no one is crying or calling the police. Come Feb. 1, I’ll almost be sad to start drinking again.” At press time, Thatcher could not be reached for comment, as he had declared that day a cheat day and gone on a massive all-night family-beating bender.
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