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6 Secrets to a Joyful Marriage

Have you noticed how our culture isn’t good at sharing the beautiful beginnings of a marriage? In fact, practically every show or fairy tale that has been portrayed, since we were children, shares a sweet love story, yet ends with – “They lived happily ever after.” Talk about a confusing and mixed message. What does happily ever after even look like?

Let’s first start with this nugget of truth… the world’s view of marriage vastly contradicts the view God holds for us when it comes to the sanctity and beautiful union found in a marriage. God isn’t aiming for us to live “happily ever after.” His vision is much greater than that! It is to grow us and conform us to be more like Jesus!

Unfortunately, the beauty found in godly marriages has been suppressed in our society. Sadly, marriage has become somewhat of a joke, and in many cases, a marriage rich in love and on fire for God gets ridiculed or chastised. The modern TV shows love to poke fun at the roles of a husband and wife, downplaying the “real” design for our families. No wonder so many couples are searching for hope and the secret to joy!

Friend, it isn’t hard to see that the beautiful foundation God laid out for our marriages is under brutal attack. So, hear me out; if you read no further, please understand this: marriage isn’t about living happily ever after. Because trust me, there will be times you aren’t actually happy. If you’re searching solely for happiness, you will be sorely disappointed.

However, if you search for a marriage filled with joy, you will find that peace and love come into your union as well. That’s because marriage isn’t about living happily ever after. It’s not even about you! It is about serving another before yourself. It’s also recognizing that marriage is a precious relationship where you are not yourself anymore but joined together with another to become one. Genesis 2:24 tells us that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

The wedding day marks the beginning of a life that is to be cherished, respected, and filled with joy. That doesn’t mean God-fearing couples won’t face challenges or suffer hardships; in fact, they may be targeted the most. Satan loves to attack rich and beautiful marriages. But when a couple aims to stand firm in their faith, fights for their marriage, and seeks Jesus in all circumstances, they will find the secret to a loving and joy-filled marriage. They will also have a testimony worth sharing about just how good our God is!

So, what is the secret to joy in a marriage? In short, joy is found in the sweet little moments. It’s tucked within those small acts of kindness or the unexpected gestures that go a long way. It’s a smile, a tender kiss, a subtle sentiment. It’s loving your spouse the way Jesus calls you to love them, even in the hard times, with grace and gentleness.

There is much to be said about living “joyfully ever after!” So, let’s discover six little ways (or secrets) to having a joy-filled and holy matrimony:

1. Have Fun Together

“Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’” Psalm 126:2

Laughter is said to be good medicine, and I must agree with that sentiment. Laughter brings out endorphins that cause us to be in a good mood. You really can’t laugh and be angry, can you?

When was the last time you laughed, and I mean a good ‘ole hearty belly laugh, with your spouse? If it’s been too long, then time is of the essence. Begin today. If your marriage is a little flat in this area, then it’s okay to seek help. Join a couple that can see the lighter side of life or tune into a fun comedy skit. Tim Hawkins is our favorite comedian. He offers clean jokes and shares issues that we can all relate to, usually with a song or story. His skits on marriage are the best!

2. Build Each Other Up

Have you ever bragged about your spouse in front of your friends, family members, or at church? If not, now may be the time to start. Speak highly of them and watch their face light up when you do. Share, in all sincerity, how proud you are of them. Whether it be an accomplishment at work or how diligent they are in raising your children, showcase your spouse.

When you take time to build up your spouse and recognize the fruit of their efforts, those words go straight to their heart. Proverbs 16:24 tells us that “gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to our bones.”

3. Be Servant-Hearted

On weekends when we don’t have softball games to rush off to, my sweet hubby will bring me coffee while I am still in bed. Mind you, he first allows me to sleep in (which is heavenly with three children) and then wakes me up with the aroma of my favorite drink. Yes, please!

Serving your spouse shows you deeply care about them and want to honor them with service. What do they love? What makes them tick? What is their love language, and how can you meet it? Simple acts of taking out the trash without being asked or rubbing feet while watching a movie all go a long way and raise that love thermometer. Let the joy abound!

“Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people.” Ephesians 6:7

4. Notice the Little Things

How easy it is to fall into ruts in our marriage, where we become so comfortable and complacent (or even selfish) that we forget our manners. We fail to notice the little things that our spouse does, not acknowledging or even offering a simple “thank you” or “how can I help?”.

Sigh. We’ve been there many times, actually. But, when we slip into the patterns of complacency, failing to notice the little things, those little things eventually add up to become big things. Before you know it, you’re heading down a not-so-good path, not really sure how you got there.

Small, little acts of kindness matter. So, take notice and let your sweet spouse know you see the fruits of their labor. Joy will be rekindled in no time.

5. Greet Each Other Warmly

“Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace to all of you who are in Christ.” 1 Peter 5:14

There is something about a warm greeting that welcomes joy. We see numerous times throughout the Bible how people greeted one another with a warm embrace or kiss. This special greeting is still offered today, and while it may be used differently depending on culture or family traditions, a warm and loving greeting shows your other half that they were missed and you are glad to be back together!

When our girls were little, they used to run up to my husband when we got home and swarm him with hugs and kisses. Now, he comes home, and most of them are doing homework or have friends over. The greetings aren’t as warm as they used to be now that they are teens. But… we still manage to do our best to show each other affection upon seeing one another after a long (or short) period of time.

6. Embrace Your Roles

There is a beautiful role that a husband and wife play in a marriage, specifically designed by our Creator. God created a husband to lovingly lead and protect his family (Ephesians 5:25), while He created a wife to provide and nurture her family, being her husband’s helper (Genesis 2:18). Both play a crucial role in raising a family. And when a husband and wife honor those roles, becoming a team and a united front, the image of a faithful family emerges!

A truly joyful marriage is one that seeks to honor Christ and use their designed roles to love their spouse in a beautiful way. Cultivating joy in our marriage is allowing our spouse to be the man or woman God is calling them to be. When a man cherishes his wife and strives to protect her, then she, in return, will respect him and give him the desires of his heart. God has a precious purpose for our marriage and created this sacred union to not only grow closer together and seek joy but to grow closer to Him and live in peace.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/PeopleImages

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

Alicia Searl

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March 9, 2023
Livingston 1-1 Dundee United | Scottish Premiership highlights

Highlights of the Scottish Premiership match between Livingston and Dundee United.

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March 8, 2023
8 Signs Your Marriage Needs You to Be Less Busy

Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh, and chances are it’s time to laugh in your marriage, especially if you’ve gotten too busy. In our book, When Couples Walk Together, my husband and I explored the benefits of laughing together. Yes, life is serious, and apparently busy.

But your marriage may be dying for some laughter. And if it is, you’re obviously too busy.

My brother works as an analyst and code-breaker for the FBI. At times he deals with disturbing matters that he doesn’t want to take home with him. Because of that, he sees the value of looking for comedic events throughout the day to share with his wife, who is a second-grade teacher and does the same.

This helps keep laugher in their marriage and sanity in their lives. Each evening they share the humorous events of their separate days and make sure the other knows all about their interactions at work so they better understand the funny events that occur.

They even come up with code names for people so they can talk or laugh about it with some privacy in front of their children. Sometimes you have to go covert with the funny things you share. But that creates a bond, too.

And keeping laughter in your marriage not only eases the stress, it keeps you talking and being deliberate and intentional in your marriage so you don’t let busyness or the burdens of the day overtake your marriage, too.

8. More Than Six Months Has Passed Since the Two of You Went Away Together

If you’re not getting away together at least twice a year, just you and your spouse, then you’re definitely too busy (or your marriage is not a priority).

Most jobs allow at least two weeks of paid vacation a year. If you don’t get that, there are weekends. If either of you is working without at least two days off a week, you’re putting work or finances or the need to be busy over the health of your marriage. Make the sacrifice.

My husband hasn’t had paid vacations in several years, now that he’s working two part-time jobs. Yet, we save all year to make up for his time off so that we can have some extended time together.

What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of your marriage? What are you willing to invest so the two of you can have a closer connection?

Work can wait. The job can wait. In-laws and friends and expectations others have on you can wait. But perhaps your marriage can’t.

You didn’t commit “til death do us part” to your employer or even your extended family. Invest in what matters most or make it a matter of prayer so that you can. God honors your desire to invest time in your marriage.

Bring Him into the picture, surrender to His ways, and see Him come through for you by providing the rest you need.

For more on improving your communication with your spouse, see Cindi’s books, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. And for more on living a less busy life, see her books, When Women Long for Rest, and When You’re Running on Empty.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio Diaz

Cindi McMenamin

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March 8, 2023
8 Signs You May Be Dating a Narcissist

I began a ministry for single mothers almost two decades ago and have had the privilege of talking to thousands of single mothers across the U.S. Through the years, I’ve conducted many Q&A’s and, of course, the regular questions of sex, dating, loneliness, and future mates come up often. But I’ve recently been struck by the number of conversations where the term “narcissist” has come up. So I began to do a little research. Sure enough, narcissism seems to be on the rise – or at least is being charted as such. According to the National Institutes of Health, modern western societies are experiencing a narcissism pandemic that rose from a reported 12% in 1963 to 77% in 1992 among adolescents. In its simplest interpretation, an Ohio State University study in 2021 defined narcissism as “entitled self-importance.” But why the rise?

Could it be the helicopter parenting of the 1980s and 1990s, where children perceived that their parents’ worlds revolved solely around them, backfired? Could it be the increased pressure of social media and the promotion of the Instagram-famous, YouTubers, likes, clicks, and followers finally caught up with us? Could it be that “die to self” and “pick up your cross and follow me” died and the world laid down their crosses and picked up their egos? I have no doubt that the further the world migrates to the culture of anything goes, New Ageism, paganism, worship of self, and truth as only “your truth” and not the undeniable truth of the Creator of heaven and earth, we will see this trend continue.

So, how do you identify if you may be dating a narcissist? Here are eight clues. While no one tip exclusively denotes that you are dating a narcissist, a combo thereof would be a clue!

1. Narcissists Obsess About Success

Their importance is defined by their accomplishments. How quickly they climb the corporate ladder or achieve social media followers or accomplish their goal matters to them. They will likely list their resume of accomplishments early on in the relationship in hopes of impressing you. They may cite their resume of accomplishments in social settings, erroneously thinking their worth is tied to their resume.

2. Narcissists Want to Be Admired for Their Attractiveness

While caring about your appearance is certainly not an outright sign of narcissism, the obsession with it can be. Clothing, hair, and how others perceive their attractiveness is of paramount importance. It is important they perceive themselves as the most attractive in a room. It is not uncommon that designer cars, clothes, high-end jewelry, and the like, would be especially important to complete their “look.”

3. Narcissists Want to Be Perceived as Heroes

Initial impressions will yield immense kindness, good manners, and chivalry. They are often charismatic and well-liked by the general public, as many won’t discern their true character. They want to be perceived as a “rescuer” rushing in to make your life easier. They will say things like, “I can’t believe someone treated you like that, before.” However, this hero persona is short-lived, and manipulation usually births quickly after that. (Note: The problem is that many get wrapped up in the early heroism and don’t see the tide shift!)

4. Narcissists Want to Be Validated and Needed

They fish for compliments and need their work to be acknowledged. They want you to acknowledge when they’ve washed your car, helped the elderly lady across the street, or volunteered at the soup kitchen. They will keep record of their service to you or others and will likely bring it up again. It is especially meaningful for them to be needed. When the car breaks down and leaves you roadside, this is of great merit to the narcissist, as it fuels their need to rescue, further solidifying that you can’t live without them. But for them, you wouldn’t survive.

5. Narcissists Hold Grudges

The Word teaches us that love keeps no record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13:5), but they do. They remember what you did and said. And they will attempt to get you back for it. They want you to pay. They strategize ways to do so and may sit on the revenge for some time. But make no mistake; they did not forget. Forgiveness is hard for them. They want someone to pay for their pain and hardship.

6. Narcissists Want Power and Control

This is a given. They want to be in charge and will go to great lengths to do so. It is much harder for them to follow others. They want to control their environments (and yours) and it could manifest through an obsession with tidiness, promptness, or organization. They tend to overreact when they aren’t in control, or things have not gone in a way that was previously projected.

7. Narcissists Are Very Jealous

They often need to be placed above all. In fact, many will pull you from God. They won’t say it this way, but they need to be worshiped above anything else, as your all in all. They promote idolatry in this way. They don’t mutually seek God with you. They seek to be God to you. They may be active in the church (as this can be a place to get power), but they aren’t seeking a deep relationship with their King. They want to control your relationship with the Lord.

8. Narcissists Truly Believe They Should Get Everything They Want

They are the epitome of the “me” culture. What about me? They expect those around them to be compliant in ensuring everything is always about them. How did they feel? How were they treated? Were they served first? Were they the first ones thought of? Their world revolves around them.

But here’s the really important part of understanding what is at play. Read 1 Kings. Read 2 Kings. Read Revelation. Narcissism is nothing but the Jezebel spirit. The Jezebel spirit isn’t exclusive to gender, nor is narcissism. Men and women alike are suffering with this. We must first recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood enemies (Ephesians 6:12). We are battling evil rulers and authorities in the unseen world. Sadly, most of us aren’t fully aware of the spiritual war going on that so easily deceives us and steals our joy. Come against those evil spirits. Wrestle not against flesh.

Singles, you must take responsibility for your dating life and stop ignoring red flags when the Holy Spirit is guiding and leading. Stop trying to fix and counsel your way out of a narcissistic relationship. Stop ignoring the warning signs or making excuses for behavior. Stop dating narcissists. Stop marrying them. Do not be deceived into thinking you can fix them if you can just endure. The stronghold must be broken off them, which requires them to humble themselves, submit to the Lord, and fully walk in freedom with Him. Sadly, many will not do this. Do not enter into marital covenant with them, singles. It gets far more complicated – just ask any heartbroken divorcee. God has more for you. There are many good Christian men and women out there.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/bee32

Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.

Jennifer Maggio

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March 8, 2023
5 Ways to Set Unhealthy Boundaries

The above Instagram comment seeded this article.

I’ve written about ways to set necessary—healthy—boundaries. But the above quote sparked a new thought: Since there are healthy boundaries, there must also be unhealthy ones.

Sadly, scores of damaging strategies sully our interactions. Despite the different details, all unhealthy boundaries share the same commonality—in the process of setting and enforcing that boundary, negativity usually sprouts. Somewhere.

It can manifest in the form of feelings (like resenting the yes you said under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms, making you feel unwell. But this adverse reaction can, and often will, culminate in strained relationships.

Consider these five unhealthy boundaries as an example:

1. Fueled by Fear

In certain circumstances—like having to outrun the mountain lion while hiking—it can be useful for fear to motivate your legs to pump faster. For the most part, however, authorizing fear to manage your decision-making process will likely backfire.

Let’s apply this principle to our topic. Say the pastor’s wife asks you to decorate the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you’ve already committed to organizing the egg hunt for kids’ church, and it’s your turn to host the extended family for the holiday meal this year.

The mere thought of spending all those hours—plus decorating the church—enthralls and exhausts you both.

But then a thought pops up. How can you turn down your own pastor? Don’t you want to be indispensable to the church? Useful?

If this thinking prompts you to nod your assent, beware. You’re on the brink of violating your boundary due to fear of people (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept covers a multitude of fears—of letting others down, losing their acceptance, dreading their wrath—and is a common unhealthy boundary.

2. Lying to Escape

Is there someone in your world who specializes in being pushy? Perhaps it’s Ashley, who insists on dropping by on a random Wednesday because she’s bored. Never mind that you’ve just crawled through three meetings with enraged executives back-to-back and are ready for a bubble bath and subdued Bublé.

Experience expects that if you were to explain how exhausted you are, your friend would respond with a breezy excuse for why she should still come—something along the lines of she’ll fetch takeout for dinner, it has been forever, and besides, she won’t stay long.

So, you lie. “I have COVID.”

It’s the easiest way to save yourself from having to humor Ashley, you convince yourself.

However, the Lord hates a deceitful tongue (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to untangle yourself from an unwanted visit will make it easier to craft another lie the next time around. Who is to say determined—or dense—Ashley won’t treat you to a repeat performance? Yet, according to Scripture, liars qualify as those who will spend eternity in the fiery lake (Revelation 21:8).

Saying no requires fortitude but is worth the practice.

3. Triangulation

Bear with me as I continue the analogy.

Let’s say your friend stormed in anyway, commandeering your evening, despite your lie about COVID. (She’s double-boosted and recovered from COVID herself, Ashley purred.)

If her behavior upsets you so much that you text another friend about it, you’ve just triangulated your conflict.

As the word implies, triangulation happens when three persons tango together. Instead of confronting person A—the one we have issues with—we complain about person A to person B.

Dragging another party into your dissatisfaction right off the bat might complicate matters and is definitely unscriptural. Proverbs 25:9 states, “Debate your case with your neighbor, and do not disclose the secret to another” (NKJV).

4. Oversharing

Do you tend to overshare?

Pay attention to how others respond after you share. If you consistently receive anything but a warm response, it’s possible you might have shared too many intimate details too soon.

If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you tend to function this way. Don’t try to figure out the answer—just ask and wait for an inner response. Is there something inside you that craves acceptance? Attention? Affection?

Unfortunately, oversharing will not facilitate these things. It might only discourage others from getting to know you better.

Think of setting boundaries with new acquaintances as introducing them to your abode.

A stranger should only be received on the porch (and told superficial things like where you work and what you do).

In contrast, a pal you’ve met a few times can step inside your place. Perhaps you two can chat in the living room. It’s appropriate to explain more intimate details about yourself, such as why you decided to pursue your profession despite the pressures to run the family business.

When that person has proven, over time, that she is worthy of a closer friendship, go ahead and entertain her in your kitchen—where you can both swap heartfelt stories.

5. Retaliating

“Boundaries are not a way to punish those we don’t like.” This Instagram post garnered the comment I shared in the beginning.

The idea seems straightforward. Whether it’s because we’ve highlighted enough sentences in boundary-related books or because we instinctively get it, it makes sense not to weaponize our boundaries against someone else.

But if you get into an unresolved brouhaha and time only dumps more misunderstanding and heartbreak, it can be tempting to retaliate.

Here’s the thing. Some may not call it retaliation and employ euphemisms instead, like “I have to stop talking to Ashley for the sake of my mental health.”

Which sounds good, especially for a psychologist like me. Mental health is a valuable commodity to protect.

But will you allow time and space for private—albeit honest—reflections? What’s the real reason behind your decision to set this particular boundary? Does the punishment, so to speak, fit the crime?

Weaponizing boundaries will never lead to a thriving relationship because it goes against Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Unburden the Unhealthy

Anyone can learn the necessary skills to set healthy boundaries. But if the thought feels overwhelming, here are a few starting points you can adopt:

-If you’re tapped out, name it. Don’t let shame coax you to adopt another assignment, volunteer an additional day, or commit to doing anything you don’t have the bandwidth for. God never requires you to worship your church leadership, so decline your pastor’s request if need be.

–When you have to refuse relentless souls—think Ashley above—stand your ground. Say no with courage.

–Share precious details about your life only with trustworthy individuals. Jesus tells us, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). The point isn’t to compare anyone to animals, but that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Disclose intimate details only when the time is right.

–Always strive to resolve misunderstandings. Follow the steps outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.

The last bullet point requires conflict resolution, which tends to intimidate many of us. (Perhaps that’s why resources on this topic abound.) If you enjoy freebies, however, download the bonus chapter for Surviving Difficult People, and you’ll receive manageable, bite-sized instructions.

With practice, you can rework anything in your life that contributes to setting—or maintaining—unhealthy boundaries.

Take it from someone who lied to set her boundary.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AaronAmat

Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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March 8, 2023
Demi Stokes: Mother and footballer

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Manchester City full-back Demi Stokes reveals how she balances motherhood with her football career. (Video courtesy of Manchester City FC).

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March 8, 2023
What Does the Bible Say about Sex before Marriage?

Some people engaged in sexual relationships outside of marriage before they were believers, or someone has a mistake or a slip-up. People cave into lust because they are weak and sinful. Even Christians can succumb to temptation because until they are with Christ forever, they will be subject to the weakness of the flesh.

In both the Old and New Testaments, God promised that He is faithful to forgive for those who repent and have faith in Him. Through the prophet Isaiah, He declared, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). Scripture also promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God can and does forgive those who have sex outside of marriage, if they repent of their sin and turn to Jesus for salvation and forgiveness.

A Prayer for Those Waiting until Marriage to Have Sex

Holy Father,

I thank You that You invited men and women to be a part of creation through the gift of sexuality and sex within marriage. Thank you for blessing humanity with Your love, Your grace, and the blood of Jesus Christ, which paid the price for my sins. Lord, please be with me as I pursue Your will for my life, whether that is through singleness or marriage. Either way, Lord, please strengthen me through the Holy Spirit to resist the desire to look lustfully, to meditate on sexual things, or to engage in sexual activity outside the healthy boundaries You set. Help me to focus on what is pure, good, and noble like it says in Your Word, and give me the strength to wait.

In the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, I pray,

Amen.

Sex and sexuality is a gift from the Lord, which is why He dedicated a whole book of the Bible to it, which highlights the ups and downs of marriage, with an emphasis on the joys of physical intimacy. Christians should pursue sex in God’s boundaries, because it honors Him, and it is where they will find true satisfaction.

“As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women… My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,… My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:2, 10, 16).

Sources

Driscoll, Mark and Grace. Real Romance Sex in the Song of Songs. XO Publishing, eBook, 2023.

Walvoord, John F. and Roy B. Zuck. The Bible Knowledge Commentary An Exposition of the Scriptures by Dallas Seminary Old Testament and New Testament. United States of America: Victor Books, 1987.

Wilmington, H.L. Wilmington’s Guide to the Bible. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 1981.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/pcess609

Bethany Verrett

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March 7, 2023
5 Reasons It Is Dangerous to Be Unequally Yoked

In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul warns about couples being unequally yoked. To be unequally yoked means for two people to have different opinions when it comes to their faith in God. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” A yoke is a harness that farmers will place on two oxen to keep them together. When one ox pulls its head, the other follows. Because of this yoke, one ox can lead the other in a completely different direction from where it’s supposed to go.

It’s the same in the marriage relationship. A Christian who marries a non-Christian can easily be swayed into going down the wrong path. Unbelievers can sway believers or compromise on their faith practices. No one is immune; even the strongest Christian can fall away from the faith if not careful. Christians must surround themselves with other Christians so they can do life together. Jesus always paired disciples two by two. There is nowhere in the Bible where anyone did anything alone. Being alone makes us susceptible to the enemy’s schemes. A couple who chooses to get married should be on the same page regarding their values and faith.

Here are five reasons why it’s dangerous to be unequally yoked:

1. It Will Separate You from God

Not only do Christians need to have a personal relationship with God, but this relationship with God is also especially important because one partner teaches the other about Christ. There’s no coincidence that when Jesus sent out his disciples in Luke 9:1, he asked them to go out two by two: “When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.” Jesus knew it is easy to be swayed by the enemy when you’re alone. It is important to be in community with those who have like-minded faith and values, so you don’t waver from the work God is calling you to do.

2. It Devalues Your Partner

A Christian’s marriage partner is not their charity case. It is not fair for a Christian to believe they can change the other person when they get married or that the person will change their values once they get married. A couple should love each other for who they are. They can simply point each other to Christ, who will transform them into more Christ-like characters. It is best for each person in the marriage relationship to choose each other and keep their faith their priority. This is so there are no disagreements regarding regular church attendance, raising kids, or their views on religious practices that may or may not contribute to their salvation. Each religion has its own views on faith, salvation, and who God is. It is important that the couple shares the same Christian views so one does not try to change the other’s worldview in the future.

3. You Will Not Hold the Same Values

Even if you get away with not sharing the same view or your own personal faith journey, it is important when children become part of the family. Both partners need to have a united view on how they will raise their children when it comes to religion. Will they be more free-range and allow the child to choose? Will they follow the scripture and “train a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6)? Even if one partner is more spiritually mature than the other, both need to commit to reading the Word and praying together so their values will align. A couple not in unity over how to raise their kids will be disappointed when their children stray from the faith when they become adults.

4. It Will Hinder You from a Vibrant Relationship with God

Not only will your partner not hold the same values as you when it comes to faith, but he/she may also hinder your personal relationship with Jesus. One partner can be easily convinced by the other to skip church for one week. But as those habits develop, one week becomes one month, which becomes one year, and soon after, you won’t be able to remember when you last went to church. Without a local church to anchor you in the Word of God, and without a faithful prayer life, it will be easy to be swayed and your viewpoints altered more by your tv screen than your Bible. Prolonged exposure to cell phones, tv screens, and game consoles will alter your understanding of morality in God’s presence in the world. It will become easier to forget that God is in control of everything. He asked us to abide in his Word and abide in him so that through him, we can do the work that he is calling us to do.

However, if you choose to marry someone you think will change over time, make sure you are clear regarding your expectations involving your faith. Let your partner know that you choose to read the Word and pray regularly, want to attend church faithfully, and raise your children to do the same. Anyone who doesn’t hold that view is not someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Divorce should not be an option unless necessary. Make sure you marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with.

5. It May Alter Your Calling

It is one thing not to attend church together or pray or read the Word regularly, but it is quite another if one person feels called into some sort of spiritual ministry. People who feel called into the pastoral ministry need to have a partner who feels equally as called. One partner that does not feel called will distance themselves from the church, and the church will suffer as a result. A church who hires a pastor deserves to have a couple who is equally as dedicated to the ministry. Although the couple may take on different roles, they both need to understand the priority it will take in their lives. Sometimes pastors are awakened in the middle of the night to visit a church member in the hospital and preside over funerals or weddings on weekends and other special days. A family makes great sacrifices when a person is in ministry. This is also true if a couple is called into mission work. Each partner must feel called into missions work, or else the ministry will suffer as a result.

For a marriage to be successful, both partner needs to share similar views on many different topics of life. But none is as true as their faith. If faith is a priority in your life, you want to marry someone who holds the same value. Hebrews 10:24 says: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Not only will the two of you together be able to do sufficient work for the Kingdom, but you each will also grow and mature in your faith because of each other’s presence.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/mofles

Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

Michelle S. Lazurek

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March 7, 2023
4 Ways to Uproot Bitterness from Your Heart

Bitterness is something most of us have struggled with at some point during our life. It can be hard to uproot it if it is deeply planted in our hearts. However, God doesn’t want us to hold bitterness in our hearts because it will only hurt us and cause us heartache.

If you are struggling with bitterness in your heart, here are four ways to uproot it:

1. Forgiveness

One way to uproot bitterness in your heart is to forgive. Many people have hurt us in our lives, and it can feel impossible to forgive them. Unfortunately, we cannot uproot the bitterness in our hearts if we are holding onto unforgiveness. God wants us to forgive others just as He has forgiven us. If we choose to hold onto unforgiveness, it will only cause more pain. Very rarely will unforgiveness hurt the person against who we are holding unforgiveness towards. It will only hurt us.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did is okay. Often, we are taught growing up to say, “it’s okay” when someone apologizes to us. In time, this has caused us to connect forgiveness with saying that what they did is okay. This is not what forgiveness is. Rather, forgiveness is deciding to give the situation over to God. You can forgive someone and still say it’s not okay. Simply because you forgive someone doesn’t mean it’s okay, nor does it mean what they did is forgotten.

Forgiveness comes from God. He forgave all of our sins the moment we accepted His Son as our Savior and Lord. He no longer holds any of those sins against us, and He chooses to not associate us with those negative things. When he looks at us, He sees His Son instead of the evil we have in us. Since God has forgiven us of such horrible sins, we too can do our best to forgive others. Forgiveness will help us to uproot the bitterness in our hearts.

2. Prayer

A second way to uproot bitterness from your heart is through prayer. Prayer is often overlooked, yet it is one of our greatest gifts from God. Through prayer, we are given the blessing of one-on-one communication with God. This means that we can tell God anything, and He hears it. If we go to Him in prayer and tell Him we are struggling with removing bitterness from our hearts, He can help us. Not only will He help us remove the bitterness from our hearts, but He will also help us heal from it.

You might have bitterness in your heart for a variety of reasons. Maybe someone broke your heart, or someone betrayed you. Your feelings are valid, and it is understandable that you feel the way you do. Go to God in prayer and tell Him everything that you are feeling. Tell Him about the hurt, the pain, and the heartache. He knows the pain you are experiencing, and He desires to help you uproot the bitterness. The Lord can help you start new again and give you a fresh perspective on life.

Never overlook prayer, as it can help you in all things. Even though you might not hear back from God immediately, He is listening to you. He understands every pain you have, and He desires to fill your heart with the peace that only He can provide. Prayer should not be your last resort when trying to uproot bitterness from your heart, but rather it should be one of the first steps to take.

3. Reflecting on God’s Love

A third way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to reflect on God’s love. By reflecting on God’s love, we can release much of the anger that has been rooted deep in our hearts. The person who caused your bitterness might never know how much pain they caused you, but God does. Reflect on His love and strive to extend the same love to others, even to the person who hurt you. They probably are not worthy of your love, but God commands us to love all people anyway. In this way, you are extending God’s love.

The pain you are experiencing now that has manifested into bitterness will not last forever unless you allow it. You need to go to God and have Him help you uproot this bitterness. Reflect on God’s love in your own life and the Bible. Allow this to help you uproot the bitterness in your heart and to start moving forward in healing. Nobody expects you to feel completely better overnight, yet you do need to maintain an active headspace of reflecting on God’s love and uprooting the bitterness from your heart.

God’s love far outweighs any love we could ever experience elsewhere. Our loved ones can hurt us, but God never will. He is with us through the pain, tears, and heartache. He understands the bitterness you are experiencing, yet He wants to take it away. The Lord doesn’t want to see you carry around the heavy weight of bitterness your entire life because it will only cause you to grow more angry, skeptical, and isolated. Love, forgiveness, and growth should be shown in our lives, not bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness.

4. Choosing to Move On

A fourth way to uproot bitterness from your heart is to choose to move on. As someone who struggles with years of holding bitterness in their heart, I don’t recommend it. It only wears you down and causes you to become cold. Choose to move on with your life and avoid allowing the bitterness to stay in your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and move forward. Life is too precious and too short to spend it with a heart of bitterness. Instead, choose to move on and love the life God has given you.

It can be hard to move on, yet it is vitally important. There again, it doesn’t mean anything they said or did was okay, but rather, you are making the choice to move on in life. Don’t allow someone’s hurtful remark, statement, or decision to cause you to go into a downward spiral of bitterness for years. Don’t let a memory of the past dictate your future. Give all of the pain over to God and trust Him. Genuinely forgive the person or people who hurt you and make the decision to choose to move on.

By moving on, you are opening up your life to a new set of adventures and opportunities to serve Christ. There is true freedom in forgiveness and moving on, which staying in bitterness will not give you. Choosing to uproot the bitterness in your heart will give you an opportunity to grow in your walk with Christ as well as to grow in your life.

Choose to take that first step today and remove all bitterness from your heart. Uproot it with the help of God and strive not to allow any bitterness to plant deep in your heart again. You will continue to go through difficult times throughout your life, but it is up to you if they are going to cause you to be hindered in your walk with Christ, or you can use them as an opportunity to grow in Christ. God wants us to use the hard times as an opportunity to grow in our relationship with Him. We cannot grow in Him if we continue to allow bitterness to root itself in our hearts.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/greenaperture

Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

Vivian Bricker

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March 7, 2023
Manor Solomon reacts quickest to continue brilliant scoring run

Manor Solomon finds the net for the visitors to bring things level at 1-1.

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March 6, 2023
5 Reasons Culture Has Made Sex Casual

We can all agree culture has changed over the past thirty to forty years. Since the 1980s, movies and tv have been infiltrated with gratuitous sexual content. When the Bible stopped being a priority in people’s lives, they replaced it with entertainment. When people watch more television than they do reading their Bibles, it is easy to get confused about what is right and wrong. Because we live in a post-Christian nation, the values the Bible espouses are no longer the ultimate authority. Many people, including Christians, believe they can decide what is right and wrong for their lives. This has created a culture where wrong is right and right is wrong. Additionally, the average church member attends church only once per month. This is a stark contrast to the 60s and 70s when parents made church the priority, as well as Wednesday night Bible study. Church was a pillar of the family system long ago, but that is not always the case today. Because of this, sin (especially sexual) has become more casual, and more people are falling into it than ever before. Here are five reasons culture made sex more casual: Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/David Prado

Michelle S. Lazurek

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March 6, 2023
St Mirren 1-5 Celtic | Scottish Premiership highlights

Highlights of the Scottish Premiership match between St Mirren and Celtic.

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March 5, 2023
Todd Boehly: It’s a result | Graham Potter: We’re fighting to win games

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Chelsea owner Todd Boehly didn’t have much to say after Chelsea narrowly beat Leeds but Graham Potter admits his team need to keep fighting.

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March 4, 2023
Michael Dawson: Lisandro Martinez can do everything

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Michael Dawson praises Manchester United’s Lisandro Martinez and manager Erik Ten Hag for bringing in the centre-back from Ajax.

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March 4, 2023
Pep Guardiola frustrated by Premier League referees time-wasting calls

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Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola believes his team are treated unfairly by Premier League referees when it comes to being penalised for time-wasting.

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March 3, 2023
3 Times Jesus Said No to People-Pleasing

Initially, I had planned to attend the meeting. After all, it had been dubbed “very important,” and I was urged to be present. But as the appointed day approached, I felt a distinct check in my spirit. I sensed the Lord communicating that though this meeting was important, it wasn’t important for me to be there. I felt Him reminding me to stay in my own lane and devote my time to other projects He has given me.

This meant I was going to have to say no…

As a recovering people pleaser, I couldn’t help feeling nervous. I hate letting people down, and I sometimes worry about what other people will think of me if I decline a request. When the time came to let the leader of the meeting know that I would not be there, old fears came swarming back: What if they think I don’t care about them? Or that I’m selfish? Or unspiritual?

But amid these worries, I stopped and reminded myself of an important truth: The ability to be selective regarding which requests I accept is essential to fulfilling my purpose. If I say yes to everything, I spread myself too thin, and nothing of importance gets done. However, if I can strategically say no to some things, I create space to say yes to the things that matter most—the things I know without a doubt that God wants me to focus on.

Loving Enough to Say No

While we tend to equate saying yes with being “loving” and saying no with being “unloving,” in actuality, declining a request is not necessarily unloving. In fact, when it paves the way for obedience and enables us to accomplish our individual callings, it can be the most loving and godly thing we can do.

Just look at Jesus. He was the most loving person to walk the planet, but He was not a people pleaser. He had a very clear understanding of His purpose, and He also understood that if He was going to accomplish His mission of redeeming humankind—the ultimate expression of love—He couldn’t be controlled by other people’s expectations. He was fully committed to following the leadership of His Father, and if anyone asked Him to do something that contradicted what His Father wanted Him to do, He simply opted not to.

Jesus’ Example

Though choosing not to comply with the wishes of others can be stressful, reflecting on Jesus’ example never fails to give me the courage I need to be intentional with my yeses and nos.

How about you? Do you, too, find it hard to say no? Does the prospect of turning down an invitation make your stomach flip-flop like a fish caught on a line? If so, I encourage you to consider some of the biblical passages that highlight Jesus’ willingness to decline requests, even when it meant displeasing others.

There are many such passages in the Gospels, but here are three to get you started. I hope they encourage and inspire you too!

“As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. Someone told Jesus, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.’ Jesus asked, ‘Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?’ Then he pointed to his disciples and said, ‘Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother’” (NLT)!

Here, we see Jesus’ mother and brothers make a request: Come outside and talk to us. But Jesus didn’t instantly jump up and run to His family. Instead, He continued doing what He knew He was supposed to be doing at that moment: teaching.

Now, it’s possible that He went to them shortly after making His “Who is my mother?” statement. But I suspect He didn’t because Mark reveals that not long before this incident, His family thought He was “out of his mind” (3:21, NLT) and had tried to take Him home. It’s possible that they were again trying to take Him away, and Jesus, knowing their intent, refused to cooperate. Whatever the case, it’s clear that He didn’t comply with their request immediately. His focus was unwavering, regardless of the interruptions that came His way.

This doesn’t mean that Jesus didn’t care about His family. On the contrary, I’m sure He loved his family very much, and I imagine He spent time with them on many occasions. But at the time of this specific ask, His followers needed His attention, and even though His family may have seen His delay as an inconvenience, Jesus didn’t let their request pull Him away from His present priority.

Parents and siblings call for us too (or, more likely in our modern day, text us), and I know how hard it can be to not respond instantly. But sometimes, we do best to do what Jesus did: tend to what’s before us at the moment and follow up with our loved ones at a later time.

“A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha…The two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, ‘Lord, your dear friend is very sick.’ But when Jesus heard about it he said, ‘Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.’ So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days. Finally, he said to his disciples, ‘Let’s go back to Judea’”(NLT).

Here, Jesus received a message from His friends, Mary and Martha. While they didn’t outright ask Jesus to come, the request is implied in the statement they made: “Your dear friend is very sick.” They knew Jesus was the Healer, and they knew that if He came, Lazarus would recover. They probably thought Jesus would show up at their home shortly after receiving their message, and I imagine that doubts about His love started to creep in when He didn’t. We’re some of Jesus’ best friends—doesn’t that mean anything? Can’t He make an effort for us? Doesn’t He love us?

Jesus likely knew what Mary and Martha expected of Him, and He probably knew the questions His actions would inspire. Yet He didn’t let fear of what people might think of Him determine what He did. Jesus knew that God had something better in store, and He would rather risk being misunderstood than deviate from the directives of His Father.

How often do we comply with requests for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or for fear they will consider us “unloving”? Of course, I’m not suggesting we should ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, but, like Jesus, sometimes doing what will most honor God means that we must be willing to “say no,” even when it makes others uncomfortable or exposes us to criticism.

“One day the Pharisees and Sadducees came to test Jesus, demanding that he show them a miraculous sign from heaven to prove his authority. He replied, ‘You know the saying, “Red sky at night means fair weather tomorrow; red sky in the morning means foul weather all day.” You know how to interpret the weather signs in the sky, but you don’t know how to interpret the signs of the times! Only an evil, adulterous generation would demand a miraculous sign, but the only sign I will give them is the sign of the prophet Jonah.’ Then Jesus left them and went away” (NLT).

In this episode, Jesus was confronted by religious leaders who doubted Him and “demanded” He show them a sign to prove Who He was. But Jesus didn’t feel the need to prove Himself, and He didn’t cave to social pressure. He easily said no to people-pleasing because He was confident in His identity and was committed to doing only what He saw His Father doing (John 5:19-20). And clearly, in this case, His Father was not directing Him to perform a sign. So after calling them evil and rejecting their demand, Jesus simply removed Himself from the situation—He “left them and went away” (v. 4). The Living Bible puts it this way: “Then Jesus walked out on them.”

That sounds…a little rude, doesn’t it? But remember, Jesus was love incarnate. And He knew that the most loving thing to do in that situation was to rebuff their request for proof and then move on to something else—something that would be a more fruitful use of His time.

It can be painful to admit, but sometimes our reasons for saying yes have more to do with our desire to be seen in a positive light than with a genuine desire to do good. But how much better for us to follow Jesus’ example by ignoring the goading of doubters and shifting our attention to more productive endeavors? Because when we know who God says we are, we don’t need anyone else’s approval. We have more important things to do than pander to the critics!

Pleasing God

Remember that meeting I mentioned earlier? When I was composing the text to inform the leader that I wasn’t going to attend, I felt bad. But as soon I hit send, I felt a confirmation that I’d done the right thing. I felt relief. Yes, it was possible they felt let down when they read my message. It’s possible they thought I was being irresponsible or unspiritual. But the bottom line was I was doing my best to do what Jesus did: only what He saw His Father doing—nothing more, nothing less. And as nice as it is when people are happy with me, no amount of people-pleasing will ever be worth the cost of disappointing God. He’s the Person I want to please most.

Though saying no often comes at a price, in reality, it is a gift. Without the ability to communicate that we will not do something, our lives would be like a rudderless ship tossed to and fro by the whims of the people around us. But when done wisely, saying no enables us to steer the ship of our lives toward the goals and specific good work God has called each of us to do.

I pray that as you meditate on Jesus’ example, you find the strength to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. Whether people applaud or disparage your choices, you can be sure you are pleasing your Heavenly Father!

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ginosphotos

Carina Alanson is a former professional counselor turned writer and artist who is passionate about helping women live with purpose and grow in their relationship with God. She lives in the subarctic town of Fairbanks, Alaska, where she enjoys going on scenic drives with her husband, skiing, snowshoeing, and reading by the fire. Visit carinaalanson.com to connect with Carina and get her free journaling workbook, How Do I Know if a Desire is From God? 5 Questions to Help You Decide, plus other resources for purposeful living. You can also connect with her on Instagram @carinaalanson and on Facebook @carinaalanson.

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March 3, 2023
3 Lies the Spiritual Orphan Believes

The concept of having a spirit of orphanage can be hard for a believer to comprehend. For most people, it’s a simple idea to grasp the concept that we are adopted by our heavenly Father. But for many of us who grew up in abusive homes, it is difficult to believe that we are even loved, let alone wanted by God.

I spent much of my adulthood not realizing that I was battling an orphan spirit. But one week during a Bible study, I suddenly saw myself as little Oliver Twist in Dickens’ classic tale, slowly starving and desperate for more in my spiritual life. I began to finally grasp how that image was holding back the blessing of me having a deeply personal father-child relationship with God.

I had no archetype for nurture. No sense of parental pride. I never felt as if my parents were “delighted” in me or had big dreams and plans for me. And I felt utterly alone, even though I lived with three other siblings. The loneliness of an orphan is particularly cruel, because when a child is lonely, he or she at least has the safety and welcome of their home and family. For me, home was where I felt the most alone. It felt like an orphanage, where I was provided with the most basic of essential needs and nothing more. And I turned that outward orphanage and rejection inward, taking on all the characteristics of an orphan in my spiritual life.

From as early as five years old, I was told by my parents that asking for anything above the very basics I needed to survive was selfish. I had brothers and a sister that my mother and stepfather loved more than me. I was only due the scraps of love, the scraps of a childhood, and I took this orphan’s attitude into my spiritual life as a result. I felt that I didn’t belong in God’s presence. I was supposed to be “seen and not heard.”

Over the course of my lifetime, the spirit of orphanage had convinced me to believe lies about who and what I was in the Kingdom of God. Lies that stole my birthright, like Esau, and made me bitter and always on the attack, like Barabbas.

As I poured my heart into writing my personal memoir last year, I learned the eternally valuable truth about who and what I really am…we really are, to our Father in Heaven.

The spiritual orphan has physical parents but is treated like an orphan. This kind of upbringing causes a person to believe many lies about themselves, and the lies affect every step of their journey with God.

Here are three of the biggest lies:

1. “I mean less to God than other believers.”

For me, this lie showed itself mostly when I tried to pray. I felt like I must surely be bothering Him. I could spend hours pouring my heart out to God for the needs of a friend or an unfamiliar name on a prayer list because I believed that God loved those people and wanted to answer my prayers for them. But me? I was convinced that God wasn’t concerned about my desires or requests, no matter how urgent.

2. “I need to apologize for any good thing that comes my way.”

I was convinced that nothing good is supposed to happen to me or for me. I learned to expect difficulty and struggle as a matter of course. I wasn’t supposed to dream, or set goals, or achieve any measure of success in life, because I was something less, something unlovable. Success and achievement were for children who were planned and wanted.

3. “God is always just a little angry with me, and He tolerates me at best.”

My father was a college athlete with dreams of a career in education. He wanted kids one day —but not yet —and certainly not with my mother. They never married, and I was a very inconvenient reminder to them both. For him, I was a momentary loss of discretion and the death of his dreams. (My father quit college and wound up doing two tours in Vietnam) For my mother, I was the son of a man she loved but who did not return her affection. She thought that having his child would win his heart. It did not, and she found herself saddled with a child she did not really want. This made her resentful and angry toward me. While I lived with her and knew nothing of my biological father until I was 21, I could sense that resentment and anger. Because I was a child and didn’t understand the situation, I came to believe it was my fault. I believed my parents could do no wrong, so I must be a bad child. For most of my life, I felt God offered me salvation only because I had messed up so badly, as we all have. He resented the sacrifice of His son on the cross for someone like me. He offered me salvation, but that was all I was getting. I was tolerated but not beloved.

In writing my memoir, “An Orphan in the House of God,” I came to understand the truth of how my Heavenly Father truly sees me, what He thinks of me, and what kind of Father He really is. Here are three of the truths I discovered:

“You and I were on His mind from the creation of the world.”

When God hung the stars in the sky during the Creation, He put one there with my name on it (Psalm 147:4). It served as a reminder of the promise He made to Abraham that he would have a child for every star he could count in the night sky. Learning that I was one of those stars was life-changing for me.

“You and I are His personal creation.”

Psalm 139:13-14 tells us we are “Fearfully and wonderfully made.” The Hebrew word for “made” here is the same as the word in Genesis when God created Adam. It speaks of an artist creating art by hand. That’s what we are. The first breath you ever took was the one He breathed into your lungs. When your tiny heart began beating in your mother’s womb, it was at His command. He has “Written you on the palms of His hands” (Isaiah 49:16). He rejoiced over you with singing and dancing the day you were born (Zephaniah 3:17).

“He wants to give you and me the very best.”

Jesus compared earthly fathers to our Heavenly Father (Luke 11:11-13). He tells us that if we, who are sinful humans, still give the best to our children, why do we think our heavenly Father would not do even more than that? He lets us know that our Father is so much more than even the best earthly father could ever be, and that He lavishes us with every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).

If you have lived your life as a spiritual orphan, I want you to know that you were wanted and planned before the world was even created. God has never lost sight of you, has never had anything but the best plans for you, and loves you as His own child. You are not an orphan. You are His beloved.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Penny Tweedie

Craig Daliessio is the author of the #1 Amazon best-seller, “An Orphan in the House of God,” along with six previous books, including “A Ragamuffin’s Christmas,” “Nowhere to Lay My Head,” and “Sometimes Daddies Cry: What a Dad Really Feels about Divorce.” He has a B.S. degree from Liberty University in Religion and is an award-winning mortgage banker. For more information, visit https://craigdaliessio.com/.

Craig Daliessio

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March 3, 2023
It Is So Painful to Care: How Do I Conquer Apathy?

Although we may feel guilty, weak, and stuck, God tells us that we really are free and able to engage in a battle in which he’s already inflicted the decisive blow against the enemies of our souls.

Uche Anizor

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March 3, 2023
‘He’s just pushing the wheel’ | Onboard shots show Lance Stroll’s injury struggles

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Onboard footage during second practice shows how Aston Martin’s Lance Stroll is having trouble turning his steering wheel as he recovers from a wrist injury.

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March 3, 2023
9 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in Your Marriage

I know. The idea of keeping romance alive in marriage seems like a lot of hard work to many of us. We are trying to make it through the day – and trying to be romantic seems like one job too many. We are just plain tired! Romance is not about the big things. It’s about the small things we do to express our love for each other. Dan and I have been married for almost 46 years. It is tempting to think Dan knows how I feel about him after all these years. But God has convicted me that keeping romance alive in a marriage is a huge investment in my husband and our relationship. And that investment honors God.

Let me share how I am learning to keep the romance alive in our marriage. I have to confess that I don’t always succeed in doing all of these things well. But I am more romantic now than I was when we got married. And that is a big statement! So you can make that same investment and reap the same rewards of a happy and healthy marriage.

1. Make Christ your highest priority.

Every relationship in our lives mirrors our relationship with Christ. If we want our relationships to be healthy, we must have a healthy relationship with God. The earth is not the friend of marriage – but God is. God wants to use marriage, family, and home to display His very nature. If we want a healthy marriage, we must put Christ first in our lives.

2. After Christ, give each other top priority.

After Christ comes our marriage. When I have neglected my relationship with Dan, I have not only hurt my relationship with Dan, but I have also sinned against God.

I thought Dan would understand that I had a busy speaking schedule and an exciting ministry to women. Oh, he understood. He understood that his wife made time for total strangers, but she did not have time to talk with him. There is nothing less romantic than being made to feel you are unimportant. Talk about a romance killer! Marriage takes hard work. So does romance. Marriage must be constantly and consistently nurtured to keep the romance alive.

3. Go back to the beginning.

Do you remember the qualities you so admired in your mate when you first met? The things that made them so attractive. Sift through the memories you and your mate have made together. Those attributes that first made you notice and admire your mate will rise to the surface. Make a list of those qualities and begin to voice them aloud to your spouse, children, and friends. Doing so will rekindle the romance you once experienced in your marriage.

4. Discover your mate’s love language and learn to speak it well.

Learning your mate’s love language and how to speak it will fan the flame of romance in your marriage. Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages, has had a significant impact on every relationship in my life, but especially in my marriage. We tend to think that everyone has the same love language. Not true. I have two love languages – time and gifts. My husband’s love language is touch. It can be something as simple as holding hands or scratching his back, but Dan feels loved as long as I touch him.

I recently had Covid and was pretty sick. So Dan shifted into high gear. He knows how much I love soup, so he made three different kinds. He made sure I always had something to drink. The words “Do you need anything, honey?” became his mantra. Dan willingly became my servant.

Sidebar: My whole family knows how much I love chocolate-covered cherries. A box of those scrumptious treats is always in my Christmas stocking. One afternoon during my battle with Covid, I was struggling with depression. Dan said he had to run a couple of errands. I heard the rustle of shopping bags when he returned home. My sweet husband walked into the bedroom with the biggest smile on his face and a box of chocolate-covered cherries in his hands. My husband didn’t have to say a word, but he was speaking my love language through time and gifts.

5. Set aside an hour each day to talk.

Photo credit: ©Unsplash/David Nunez

I remember the day I realized that our family schedule was completely out of control. I was racing through each day like a madwoman between school, church, football, soccer, cheerleading, and birthday parties. Dan was the lead teaching pastor of a large church exploding in growth. The phone was constantly ringing. An important meeting, hospital visit, or counseling session of some kind seemed to claim every night of the week.

Something had to give! Our marriage was on the back burner, and I could feel our relationship beginning to splinter. A trip to the furniture store became a turning point in our marriage.

I bought a love seat for our bedroom. We didn’t have room for that little sofa, but I made room for it. And every night, Dan and I would sit on that love seat for at least an hour and talk through our days. Problems, fears, hopes, and dreams all came to light as we sat and talked. It was amazing! Laughter replaced tears. Problems were solved. Fear gave way to peace. When one dream died, we dreamed another one as we sat face to face.

Time together each day did not come easily. So many voices clamored for our attention, but as we talked and shared our hearts, we learned to hear God’s voice above all the rest. To keep the romance in your marriage, commit to spending time with each other every day.

6. Have fun together. Don’t forget how to laugh.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like a helicopter is always landing in our lives. It is easy to get so serious and overwhelmed by daily battles that we forget to have fun together. Remember fun? Laughter?

Date nights have seemingly become a requirement for having fun with your mate. Of course, it is nice to have a night away from home, but it is also fun to curl up together with popcorn and ice cream, watching a movie in your living room.

We often have the wrong idea when it comes to romance. Romance does not have to be complicated. The conversation does not have to be scripted. Just share whatever pops into your mind and heart. I love the truth that if you laugh more days, you will have more days to laugh with your mate.

7. Keep a long-term perspective.

The tyranny of little things can be toxic in a marriage. Extra charges on a credit card, a cluttered house, sharp and angry words – will any of those things matter when your mate is gone? Think about the day you will stand beside your mate as they die. Will the things that irritate you today be important in the grand scheme of things? If we let them, the minor irritations can snowball into significant roadblocks.

Learning to discern what is important in a marriage is crucial to the success of that marriage. Romance has died on the altar of what seems to be significant and urgent in many marriages. Don’t get so caught up in the here and now that you lose sight of the big picture – a lifetime of commitment and love.

We can cultivate the habit of dismissing the small things and concentrating on the big things like love, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Romance will thrive when we choose to look beyond the faults of our mates and see their needs.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

8. Maintain your appearance.

Oh boy! I know I hit a nerve on this one. But I also know that I am guilty of just letting my appearance go because, after all, Dan is the only one who will see me. Right? Since Covid first began, I have battled a lazy attitude regarding my appearance. Baggy pants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt are sometimes my wardrobe for the day. I may or may not brush my teeth and fix my hair. Makeup? That is only for days when I go out. I’m just keeping it real.

I remember when Dan and I were dating. I had very little money, but I could always find a way to dress in a way that he found attractive. Dan was important to me. He didn’t love me because of how I dressed, but I loved him and wanted him to be proud of how I looked.

Women often hide behind 1 Peter 3:3-4 when it comes to their outer appearance. But read these verses carefully. Peter is cautioning us not to allow our outward appearance to be our only source of beauty.

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”

Yes, God is much more interested in who we are inside than he is with our outward appearance. A gentle, quiet spirit is so much more important than our clothes, how we style our hair, the makeup we wear – our outward adornment. I know that. But having an inner source of beauty does not mean we have to neglect our outward appearance to be godly. After all, I am a child of the King. I want to dress like a child of the King. Does that mean I have to wear designer clothes? No! I have a shopping rule – never buy anything at full price. I have learned that when I shower, do my hair, put on a little makeup, wear a nice outfit, and tell Dan I did all of that just for him, I can see the spark of romance in his eyes.

9. Keep your love life interesting.

It is easy for your love life to become, well, a little boring and routine. I know this is a complex subject for many married couples. But a thriving love life refers to a healthy sex life and a life of intimacy. Intimacy is a crucial part of marriage and may very well be the most vital part of your love life. Sex and intimacy are not the same things.

We have a friend who has diabetes. He is on several powerful medications that make having sex an impossibility. However, he would tell you that he has an amazingly intimate love life with his wife. He can share absolutely anything with her. They talk about everything in their lives – their problems, dreams, hopes, desires, and concerns.

When it comes to the sexual part of marriage, let me say that it is never too late to mix things up. Be creative! Have fun! Dan had a meeting running late one night, so I put the kids to bed and shifted into high gear. I had a plan that began with rose petals strung from the front door that led to our bedroom, where Dan found several burning candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, and me.

On Valentine’s Day, I covered our bathroom and bedroom with red and pink hearts strategically placed. For example, on the sink drain, the heart said, “I’d go down the drain without you.” On the light switch, the heart read, “You turn me on.” Dan would not let me take them down. Those hearts stayed put for a couple of weeks.

You really can rekindle the romance in your marriage. God is for you and the success of your marriage. So, take a deep breath, and go for it!

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

Mary Southerland

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March 1, 2023