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  • 7 Prayers for a Bride on Her Wedding Day

    7 Prayers for a Bride on Her Wedding Day

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    As a bride, your wedding day is one of the most memorable days of your life. This is the day you get hitched to the most amazing guy on God’s green earth. It’s also the day you give singlehood the boot, trudging a path of no return. Understandably, you may be swirling in a mix of emotions that day. You may be ecstatic on the one hand yet jittery on the other. Not forgetting that all eyes will be on you. Lots of friends and family will be shifting in their seats just to catch a glimpse of you.

    As the bride takes in the fanfare, glitz, excitement, and anxiety on her big day, what can those close to her do to help her sail through the day and, better still, to fortify her marriage? We are glad you asked – you can pray for her. Praying for a bride on her wedding day helps calm her down, perks up her confidence, and lets her put things into perspective. Even though she may be too rattled to listen intently to the prayers made that day, we are willing to bet that she will watch her wedding video not too long after the wedding. Here are seven prayers for a bride on her wedding day.

    1. Pray That She Will Build Her Marriage on the Rock

    “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.” (Mathew 7:24)

    Dear Lord, we pray that you will enable (the bride’s name) to build her marriage on the rock and not on sand. We pray that she will be not only a hearer of your Word but also a doer. Your Word asks her to love, respect, forgive, submit to and honor her husband. We pray that you may enable her to heed all the instructions in your Word where her marriage is concerned.

    We pray that she will be a wise woman who builds her house with her own hands and does not tear it down. We pray that she will be able to weather all the challenges that she may face in her marriage. We pray that her marriage will withstand all challenges to the glory of your name.

    2. Pray That She Will Experience Great Joy in Her Marriage

    “The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.” (Proverbs 10:22)

    “The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tents of the righteous, the right hand of the Lord does valiantly.” (Psalm 118:15)

    Dear Lord, we thank you for blessing (the bride’s name) with a spouse. We pray that her marriage will be a fountain of joy and not sorrow. Your Word tells us that two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. We pray that you will usher her into a new level of joy and happiness as she savors life with her husband. We pray that you may give her wisdom to ward off the things/people that may try to sabotage her joy in marriage.

    We pray that her home will be filled with laughter and rejoicing to the glory of your name.

    3. Pray That She Will be Clothed With Strength and Honor

    “Strength and honor are her clothing, she shall rejoice in time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

    “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

    Dear Lord, we pray that you may endow (the bride’s name) with the strength to tackle all the responsibilities that lie ahead of her in this new phase of life. We pray that your strength will be made perfect in her weaknesses. We pray that she will be diligent in her work. We also pray that you will enable her to honor you in everything she does. We pray that whatever her hand finds to do, she will do it with all her might. Help her to do her work heartily, not unto men but unto you. May her work bring glory and honor to your name.

    4. Pray That She Will Keep Her First Love

    “Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” (Revelation 2:4)

    “Now these are the ones sown among thorns; they are the ones who hear the word, and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.” (Mark 4:18-19)

    Dear Lord, we pray that as (the bride’s name) steps into this new phase of her life, she will not forsake her love for you. We pray that she will seek your kingdom first and its righteousness so that all the other aspects of her life can be aligned. We pray that she will not forsake prayer, studying your Word, and fellowship with other believers. We pray that she will not allow the busyness of marriage to sabotage her fellowship with you.

    We also pray that she will not forsake her first love towards her husband. We pray that she will not allow familiarity and sluggishness to creep into her marriage. May she continually tend to her marriage and seek to serve and honor her husband to the glory of your name.

    5. Pray That She Will be a Blessing to Her Husband

    “She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)

    “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

    Dear Lord, we pray that (the bride’s name) will seek to be a blessing to her husband all the days of her life. Grant her strength to extend kindness to him even when she feels he doesn’t deserve it. Help her find delight in loving, serving, encouraging, and praying for him. May she seek to fulfill his needs and support his dreams. Your Word tells us that we were created for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. May (the bride’s name) identify all the good works that you have ordained for her in her marriage, and may she execute them to the glory of your name.

    6. Pray That She Will Willingly Forgive Her Husband

     “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25-26)

    Dear Lord, we acknowledge that marriage is the most intimate relationship, and that’s where offense easily takes root. We know that sometimes (the bride’s name) will feel aggrieved by her husband’s words or actions. We pray that you may give her the strength and grace to forgive her husband in such times. We pray that you may remind her of the need to extend mercy to him just as she has received mercy from you. Your Word asks us not to allow any root of bitterness to spring up among us, causing trouble and defiling many. We pray that she will be quick to forgive, to the glory of your name.

    7. Pray That She Will Submit to Her Husband

    “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.” (Ephesians 5:22-23).

    Dear Lord, we pray that you will grant (the bride’s name) the grace to submit to her husband. We pray that you will enable her husband to love her sacrificially as Christ loved the church so that submission for her will not be a burden but a delight. Help her respect, serve, love, and honor her husband for the glory of your name.

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/David Thomaz

    Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.

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    Keren Kanyago

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  • The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

    The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

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    If we are honest, most people we come across in life are not very nice people. I first came to this conclusion when I was a young child. Being picked on and bullied, I quickly realized that many people are mean for no reason. While my parents came up with plenty of ideas as to why people were mean, none of them were true or relevant to my situation. Long story short, many people are mean just because they are mean. 

    There are mean people in the world because we live in a sinful, fallen world. Everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). By living in the fallen world, we encounter people who are driven by anger, frustration, hurt, and bitterness. Rather than being kind, they make us feel bad about ourselves. Mean people are never fun to be around because they only hurt us. 

    If you are someone who is known to be mean, it is time to step away from this identity. Never should a person say a Christian is mean. As Christians, we are Jesus’ lights to the world. How will we shine brightly for Him if we are being darkness ourselves? Instead of being mean, choose kindness. This is what God wants all people to do, especially those who claim to follow Him. 

    The Lasting Pain of Being Hurt

    When someone is mean to us, it hurts. Depending on who the person is, it might hurt more so than a stranger. Many people I used to know were very mean to me, even though I considered them friends. I think I considered them friends because I really wanted to have friends. Now, in retrospect, as I am older, I know they were not my real friends. 

    Friends would never be mean to you. Never would they say hurtful comments, belittle you, or make fun of you. Friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down. If you have been the victim of bullying, know that you are not alone. It can really hurt to know that your friends are not actually your friends and that you are better off without them. Fake friends don’t deserve your time or presence, though. 

    If you are hurt by someone who is just a stranger, know that your pain is valid too. Just the other day I was at a doctor’s appointment and a woman in the waiting room scowled at me as if I was the devil himself. This made me feel awful about myself, and I went out of my way to distance myself from this woman. Maybe you have encountered someone just like this. You did nothing to warrant the hateful glares, yet the person still shot them at you. 

    This was not nice of them, but as you already know, there are a lot of mean people in the world. The popular trend today that promotes the idea that all people are relatively good is not biblical. All people are evil from the moment they are conceived (Psalm 51:5). We are born into sin and only through the grace of Jesus can we be saved. 

    From the time we are children of God, we become more aware of the evil around us. We see people who are mean for no reason, yet it is still hard not to take it personally. Similarly, many Christians are the ones who are mean, even to their own brothers and sisters in Christ. This should not be; however, if you have even encountered this, know you are not alone. Some of the meanest people I’ve known are people who identify as Christians. 

    Whether they are true Christians or not, I do not know. What I do know is that as an individual Christian, I would never do anything purposely to be mean to someone else. I know how it feels when someone is mean to you, and I never want to inflict that same pain on anybody else. Are we always going to be perfect and treat everyone with flawless love? No. However, as believers, we shouldn’t want to be mean to anyone. Our motivations and intentions should be rooted in Christ’s love. We should want to extend Jesus in our actions. If we fail to do this, we are doing a disservice to the Lord. 

    Living in a Fallen World 

    As mentioned earlier, we are living in a fallen world, and this is why we encounter mean people. Sadly, within pop culture and schooling, mean people are deemed as “cool.” Think of who the popular people were at your schools. It’s often those who tear others down and build a fear-based popularity. This is a sad reality; however, it is not something we should ignore. Popularity should never be “earned” through anger, fear, and manipulation.

    Everyone becomes so afraid of them that they just keep allowing them to run the school, the event, or even the workplace. Unfortunately, despite being adults, we see the same trends in adulthood. The bullies and the mean kids never grew up. Instead of allowing this behavior to continue, we must speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. We must speak up for ourselves too. Mean people only have power over us if we let them. 

    We do not have to give them the satisfaction of hurting us. Instead, we can address their mean behavior and call them out for it. As adults, we need to behave better, period. Nobody should be mean to someone just because they look different, talk differently, or do things differently than someone else. There needs to be kindness, compassion, and grace extended to all people. This is the only way that we can actually shine the light of Jesus in our lives. 

    While it is true that we are living in a fallen world, it does not mean we have to live as the world does. In fact, as believers, we should be living in opposition to the sinful world. The world says meanness is how you get what you want, but the Bible says the right thing to do is to be kind, caring, and loving (Matthew 22:39; Ephesians 4:32). Are we going to follow the practices of the world or are we going to follow our Savior? This vital question can help us move forward in curtailing the hate that continues in the world. 

    Choosing to Forgive

    If you are someone who has been hurt by a mean person, it’s important to forgive them. It’s true that they probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, and they probably never apologized, but God still wants you to forgive them (Matthew 6:14). After all, we don’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but we are called to extend this same grace to others. This can be hard, yet it is something we must do. Holding onto unforgiveness, hate, and anger will only hurt us. If we truly want to move forward, we must forgive the people who hurt us. 

    Forgiving the person means you are giving the situation over to Jesus. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, nor does it mean that what they did is forgotten. Rather, it means you are turning the situation over to God. He can handle it best, and He can carry any of the emotions you are experiencing. He hates that there are mean people in the world, but He promises us a future where there will only be genuinely kind people, His followers rejoicing in heaven (Revelation 21). 

    This future promise will be fulfilled in the New Heaven and New Earth. Never will anyone be mean to one another ever again. There will only be happiness, love, and joy. When people are mean to you in this life, look forward to the day that all evil will be destroyed. It will happen in the future, and it is a sure promise. Reflect on this truth when mean people get you down.  

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/bunditinay

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • 32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

    32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

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    One of the best things in life is having a day with your girls. Although you enjoy your loved ones, it’s nice to take a day off and do something fun. Not only does it feel good to be free of responsibilities for a day, but it’s also good for your emotional and mental health. You can just relax and have fun. 

    If you are looking for some ideas for your next girls’ day out, here are some ideas:

    1. Spa Day

    Either spend money and go to the spa or someone can host a spa day at their house. Everyone can bring their own grooming tools and products, as well as a snack or beverage to share.

    2. Go to a Museum

    Research different museums in your area and choose one to go to. You could even do this several times and rotate museums.

    3. Eat Out

    Go out for a nice brunch or lunch together. This is your time to splurge!

    4. Volunteer for a Cause

    Make a list of causes that you all care about and put names into a hat. Then have someone pick from the hat to decide where you will volunteer. You could do this several times and line up volunteering opportunities a few months in advance if you wish.

    5. Go on a Day Trip

    Take a quick trip to an attraction, town, or shopping center that you have been wanting to see a few towns away or somewhere in your state.

    6. Go Shopping

    There is nothing like going on a shopping trip, but it can get boring when you go to the same old places. Do some research and find the out-of-the-way shopping centers in your town or the next town over. You can also look for outlet malls and specialty malls that are a few hours away in your state. (And don’t underestimate how fun antique shopping can be!)

    7. Movie Day Out

    Going to the movies can get pricey, but it doesn’t have to. Look on the website for the movie theaters in your town and see if they have any specials going on. If you can find an independently owned movie theater in your town, you’ve found a gem. Chances are, ticket prices will be much lower than in the big chain theaters.

    8. Take a Class Together

    Talk over your interests with your girls and see if any resonate with all of you, and then take a class on that thing. If you all have different interests, over a few months, take a class together for each lady’s personal interest. For example, Cathy may enjoy cooking, Laura may enjoy knitting, and Christine may enjoy making jewelry. Take a cooking class in January, a knitting class in February, and a jewelry-making class in March. This way, everyone will get a turn taking a class on their specific interest.

    9. Start a Book Club

    If your friends are a bunch of bookworms, start a book club together. Invite coworkers, fellow church members, or neighbors and see how your friendship circle grows!

    10. Go for Dessert

    Go for dessert together and order the most decadent thing on the menu. 

    11. Go for Drinks

    Go out for drinks and have some friendly conversation. (No, this doesn’t mean you have to consume alcohol. Mocktails, coffees, and other iced teas and fruity drinks make for great refreshers with friends.)

    12. Visit an Amusement Park

    Head to an amusement park and let your inner child out. 

    13. Visit a Farmer’s Market

    Go to the local farmer’s market and pick up some farm fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes you can find other things too, like fresh meat, homemade baked goods, jellies, jams, and homemade candy.

    14. Scrapbook Together

    Spend some time scrapbooking together and talk about your favorite memories.

    15. Have a Brainstorming Session

    If you all are close, each person comes with a problem that needs solving, and you help each other find solutions. Sometimes we don’t even have a problem; it could be something like wanting to do “this thing” but not knowing how to get started. 

    16. Take a Fitness Class Together

    If losing weight is a goal for you and your pals, take a fitness class together, and, if you can, keep it up to hold everyone accountable.

    17. Take a Pottery Class

    If you are looking for something unique to do, take a pottery class together. 

    18. Have a Tea Party

    Host a tea party at one of your houses with tea, finger sandwiches, and little cakes. To make it more fun, everyone can dress up, and don’t forget to keep your pinky up!

    19. Make Special Drinks Together

    Choose two or three special drinks that you would like and have a class together.

    20. Go to a Food Festival or Cookoff

    Look for festivals in your area and across your state. Festivals are fun to go to and often go on all year. Some ideas are strawberry festivals, pumpkin festivals, or chili cookoffs.

    21. Rollerskate

    If you have a roller rink in your area, dust off those skates and hit the rink for some nostalgia. 80’s tunes, anyone?

    22. Play Games Together

    Get together and play some board games, video games, or outdoor games together. This could be a competitive game of Scrabble, a favorite video game, or a game of basketball or tennis. 

    23. Arrange Flowers

    Buy some flowers, either fake or real, and some vases and spend an afternoon arranging them. Choose a few different projects like bouquets, a corsage, or a vase and create something beautiful. 

    24. Try a Cat Cafe

    As long as no one is allergic, spend some time at your local cat cafe. Not only are the cats cute to look at and available for adoption, but hanging out with cats has lots of health benefits like reducing stress. Who knows, you may find your new best friend. Not a cat person? Have your friends and their furry pups meet you at the local dog park.

    25. Virtual Reality Lounge

    Check out a local virtual reality lounge in your area for some new and exciting fun.

    26. Escape Room

    If you aren’t claustrophobic and like games and figuring things out, head to your local escape room for some fun.

    27. Bowling

    Go to the bowling alley and play a few games. You could even create your own bowling league for the day, with special names like Gutter Ball Gloria, Strikem’ Out Stacy, and Brenda Bowling Shoes. You could even come up with categories and have prizes for the winners. (Ex: Most pins knocked down, best gutter ball throw, and most balls in the gutter.)

    28. Cook Together

    Choose two or three easy meals you would like to make and get together at someone’s house to cook. This way, everyone can take home two to three meals to put in the freezer.

    29. Bake Together

    This is a little sweeter than cooking together, but pick two or three things you would like to bake together so everyone has something to take home. You could make a coffee cake or muffins for breakfast, cookies for a snack, and another kind of cake for a special dessert.

    30. Go “Booking”

    Another idea for the bookworms in your life is to spend the day going to used bookstores in your area and then going out for dinner. This is a great way to add to the to-be-read pile at a good price. 

    31. Go to the theater

    See if your local community center is putting on a show you would like to see and get tickets. Then dress up fancy and have a great time.

    32. Sports Night

    Who says boys are the only ones who can love sports? If you and your gals have a favorite team, whether in football, baseball, or even curling, get together for a big game night with special dips, finger foods, and fun!

    There are many great ways to spend the day with your girlfriends. Whatever you choose, let your hair down and have a great time. You deserve it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

    Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

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    Most of us are uncomfortable with the idea of denying ourselves, especially from the things that give us momentary pleasure. Whether it be that second slice of cheesecake, or that weekly online shopping spree, the challenge to deny ourselves isn’t an easy challenge to accept.

    But what if the concept of denying yourself became less about self and more about others? For marriage, in particular, what if practicing self-denial in certain areas would lead to a more fulfilled and happy marriage?

    The truth is, there are certain habits we practice so frequently—without a single thought of denying ourselves—we start to assume those habits are our “rights.” But when couples are so focused on their individual rights, they often lose sight of the oneness God created for the marriage union.

    Here are 7 ways denying yourself will not only help you become less self-centered, but also make your spouse happy in the process 

    1. Deny Avoiding Intimacy

    Avoiding intimacy, or denying your spouse of lovemaking, can literally tear your marriage apart. Not only does it go against the Bible, according to 1 Corinthians 7:5, it goes against the blessing of oneness that God designed.

    Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Corinthians 7:5)

    Deny yourself the excuses of avoiding intimacy, and you might find a renewed closeness that fosters both love and romance.

    2. Deny Overspending

    Countless marital struggles arise due to financial stress. And most of the time, consistent overspending is the culprit. If you struggle with overspending in your marriage, try to see your spouse’s point of view. How can self-denial in this area help your marriage thrive instead of merely survive?

    For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:10 ESV)

    By denying yourself the “right” to overspend, you’ll be showing your spouse respect for their hard work, and respect for your household finances. Hopefully, this will lead to a more balanced and happy marriage.

    3. Deny Scrolling Social Media

    Our spouses can easily feel ignored and unimportant when we are constantly scrolling social media. I’ve seen couples sitting across from each other in restaurants, on their phones, totally ignoring one another for the entire duration of their meal.

    This is a big issue in our marriages today. According to this article, “the deeper issue is the feeling of disconnect you or your partner experiences when you get lost in your phone. You don’t truly listen or make eye contact, thus making your spouse feel ignored.”

    While it’s tempting to check your phone every few minutes, make the decision to turn it off when sharing a meal or quality moment with your spouse. This is one form of self-denial that will truly make a difference in how you connect.

    Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT)

    4. Deny Talking Too Much

    Everyone likes to feel heard. And when one spouse constantly manipulates the conversation, it doesn’t take long for the other to start tuning them out. This isn’t the kind of communication that fosters a healthy marriage. 

    Consider the ways in which you can be a better listener and deny yourself the habit of talking too much. Here are a few actionable tips that might help:

    • Pray and ask God to help you listen more than you speak.
    • Ask your spouse about their day before you tell them about yours.
    • Turn off your phone and look them in the eye as they talk.
    • Resist the urge to interrupt or make your opinion known, unless specifically asked for.
    • Repeat what your spouse is telling you, to let them know you heard them.

    Ultimately, when you deny talking too much, you are opening the door of healthy communication in your marriage, which will only lead to a happier, more responsive spouse.

    My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Carolyn Horlings

    5. Deny Being Lazy

    If you’re constantly procrastinating, by putting off important things such as paying the bills, cleaning the house, or making dinner, consider denying yourself the nonconstructive pattern of laziness. 

    Of course, there will be seasons when neither spouse has the energy to cook or clean, but make those seasons far and few between. Instead of giving into laziness or procrastination, come up with a system that works for both of you. This might mean you alternate cooking and cleaning. It might mean you run errands on designated days. Whatever you choose, deny yourself the continuous habit of letting things go. Both you and your spouse will benefit from a workable schedule that gets things done.

    May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:17)

    6. Deny Asking for More

    Discontentment in marriage is a dangerous thing. Not only does it always want more, it doesn’t appreciate what it already has. If you find yourself discontent—more often than not—try to get to the root of your unhappiness and get the help needed to find contentment.

    According to this post, “Our conflict with others increases when our own contentment decreases. This is particularly true for our marriages. The opposite is true too—When our contentment increases—our conflict with others decreases.”

    Make your spouse happy by denying yourself persistent discontentment. When discontented feelings arise, turn those feelings into offerings of thanksgiving. Make it a practice to thank the Lord for three things that are good in your life, every time discontentment raises its ugly head. Before long, you’ll be in a new habit of gratefulness and contentment.

    Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

    7. Deny Demanding Spiritual Maturity

    For Christian couples who are walking with the Lord, there can be a tendency to judge one another’s spiritual maturity. The danger of this is that the spouse who feels judged will either become resentful or feel defeated in their faith. 

    It is important to deny yourself the practice of demanding spiritual maturity from your spouse. This doesn’t mean you can’t encourage them in their faith. However, it does mean you don’t have the right to condemn them.

    The Holy Spirit is the One who grows us up. It’s not our place to discount our spouse’s personal journey with the Lord. It’s our duty to build them up in the faith and walk humbly with God as an example.

    He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

    While denying yourself certain things does make your spouse happy, it would be wise to approach self-denial as a commitment to follow the ways of the Lord. In doing this, denying yourself becomes less about your efforts and more about walking in the Holy Spirit. Rely on the wisdom of God to lead you into a healthy place of willingness, and deny yourself for the sake of a happy and thriving marriage.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/InnerVisionPRO

    Jennifer WaddleJennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth. 

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    Jennifer Waddle

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  • Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This. It’s a very good article, but I’m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn’t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn’t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. —W

    Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers’ feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours. 

    Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

    The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

    But this brings us to your question. 

    How? 

    More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

    It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

    But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

    Wrong Motivations for Friendship

    I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

    Here’s what I mean:

    Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

    -Guilt avoidance

    The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

    Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

    -Preventing loneliness

    Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

    -To feel wanted or needed

    Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

    Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

    -To fend off rejection or abandonment

    One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

    Self-Led Friendship

    Now what?

    The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

    If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

    To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

    How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

    Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

    1. Learn to Say “No”

    I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

    Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

    However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

    All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

    -How long have you been doing this job for me?

    -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

    -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

    -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

    This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

    2. Heal Emotional Pain

    Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

    According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

    There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

    3. Conflict Resolution

    Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

    So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

    If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

    With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

    May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

    Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

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    Thomas Wolfe once wrote, “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”[1] 

    For Wolfe, loneliness is the spiritual condition of humanity. For most of us, however, loneliness amounts to little more than a problem of physical health. As is typical of a culture that sees spirituality as a purely private phenomenon, we’ve translated loneliness into a matter of public health, choosing to concentrate on its deleterious effects on a person’s physical well-being. Those physical effects, among them high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and anxiety, are indeed harmful, but they remain symptoms of an underlying spiritual condition.[2] Why is loneliness at “epidemic” levels in an age that’s more connected than ever? If email represented a drastic new infringement on our privacy, the advent of smartphones and social media has only exacerbated the issue, further blurring the line between public and private life. In short, it takes serious effort to get away from the constant clamor of voices. Not even an airplane offers the reprieve it once did. Yet we remain desperately lonely.

    The spiritual character of loneliness becomes clear when we recognize that it’s possible to be lonely in a crowd and content in seclusion. Think of the experience of being on a busy commuter train and still feeling lonely and isolated. Conversely, the novelist Marilynne Robinson speaks of her childhood in Idaho, where the word lonesome describes a sacred state of solitude that enlivened the mind and quickened the senses.[3] If loneliness were merely a physical problem, surely proximity to other human beings would be sufficient to mitigate its most severe effects. In fact, social proximity has left the problem of loneliness in our society largely untouched. Why? In a word, because we’re treating spiritual symptoms in purely physical terms. If we want to confront the challenge of loneliness that’s wreaking such havoc in our culture, we must go to its spiritual roots—namely, our estrangement from Christ. 

    The Foundation of Relational Spirituality  

    In Conformed to His Image, I argue, “In the deepest sense, Christianity is not a religion but a relationship that is born out of the trinitarian love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.”[4] In a time of great loneliness, fear, and isolation, we would all do well to dwell on the nature of God’s love for us: “God’s loyal love for us is causeless (Romans 5:6), measureless (5:7-8), and ceaseless (5:9-11).”[5] Such abundant love is a mystery in the deepest sense of that word—namely, it’s a reality that exceeds our full comprehension. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that understanding the matter permanently evades us. Rather, it means that we can never plumb the depths of God’s love for us. No time is ever wasted on contemplating the extravagance of our Lord’s love for us. 

    Because He first loved us, we must begin by dwelling on God’s love and then learn to see ourselves and others in the light of it. If we fail to acknowledge the initiating action of God’s love toward us, we cannot love properly. If it’s possible to be lonely on a crowded train, in a busy office, in a church, or in a marriage, it’s also possible for God to transform our loneliest moments into times of profound intimacy. This doesn’t mean that all sadness is immediately eradicated from our lives, but it does mean that a vital relationship with our Lord grants us the stability of resting in His love rather than constantly depending on others for affirmation and fulfillment. At its heart, loneliness is a spiritual problem, and as such, the only way to address it is to address the most important relationship in our lives. Treating physical symptoms alone will offer temporary relief at best and ongoing despair at worst. 

    How do we prioritize our relationship with Christ? Ours is an age obsessed with methodology and technique. For this reason, we’re more inclined to read books or listen to podcasts about the Bible, prayer, and church than we are to actually read God’s word, pray daily, and serve in our local congregations. Precisely because we’re at a moment of spiritual crisis in our culture. However, we must go back to basics. In short, if we want to cultivate a vibrant relationship with our Savior, we must recover the time-tested practices that have served God’s people down the ages. We must read our Bibles and commit generous portions to memory. 

    To those who object that memorization doesn’t come easily to them, call to mind the vast amounts of song lyrics, movie quotes, and other pop culture trivia that most of us carry around in our heads. We remember what we choose to dwell on. Sometimes, that’s a sobering thought. The problem is often that our imaginations have been nourished more by the wider culture than by Christ, His word, and His people. For those of us who follow Christ, prayer must be as routine as brushing one’s teeth. If that statement runs the risk of trivializing something as profound as prayer, let’s also guard against the tendency to elevate our spiritual lives into irrelevance. If prayer is difficult, pray God’s word, starting with the Psalms. In God’s word, we have all we need, whether it involves words of praise or lament. Finally, we must return to the pews and do more than be consumers of “spiritual goods and services”—Eugene Peterson’s pungent phrase. We must be active members in our local congregations, serving others, and helping to clean up the many messes, ours included. People are messy, but we serve a good God whose church prevails in spite of our shortcomings. In sum, start addressing your relationship with Christ by reading His word, praying, and attending church. Basic as all these practices may seem, they are in desperate need of recovery.   

    If all of these practices are integral to one’s life, loneliness will cease to be an all-consuming problem. Naturally, we live in a fallen world and will continue struggling with aspects of loneliness. But we will no longer be in bondage to it. The tragic attempt to treat a spiritual malady in purely physical terms is a recipe for frustration and, ultimately, despair. By prioritizing our relationship with Christ, we will be liberated to love ourselves and others well because He first loved us.   

     [1] Thomas Wolfe, The Complete Short Stories of Thomas Wolfe ed. Francis E. Skipp (New York: Scribner, 1989), 492.
    [2]Available online: https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health#:~:text=Loneliness%20%E2%80%9Ccan%20have%20serious%20mental,memory%20issues%20and%20even%20death.%E2%80%9D
    [3] Marilynne Robinson, When I Was a Child I Read Books (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2012), 88.
    [4] Ken Boa, Conformed to His Image: Biblical, Practical Approaches to Spiritual Formation (Revised Edition) (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Academic, 2020), 16.
    [5] Ibid., 14.
    Photo Credit:  Image created using DALL.E 2024  AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.

    Kenneth Boa equips people to love well (being), learn well (knowing), and live well (doing). He is a writer, teacher, speaker, and mentor and is the President of Reflections Ministries, The Museum of Created Beauty, and Trinity House Publishers.

    Publications by Dr. Boa include Conformed to His Image, Handbook to Prayer, Handbook to Leadership, Faith Has Its Reasons, Rewriting Your Broken Story, Life in the Presence of God, Leverage, and Recalibrate Your Life.

    Dr. Boa holds a B.S. from Case Institute of Technology, a Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, a Ph.D. from New York University, and a D.Phil. from the University of Oxford in England. 

    Cameron McAllisterCameron McAllister is the director of content for Reflections Ministries. He is also one half of the Thinking Out Loud Podcast, a weekly podcast about current events and Christian hope. He is the co-author (with his father, Stuart) of Faith That Lasts: A Father and Son On Cultivating Lifelong Belief. He lives in the Atlanta area with his wife and two kids.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

    A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

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    As someone who was bullied in middle school, I am well aware of the negative effects of bullying and how it can affect a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Bullying needs to end because it only causes harm to the person who is being bullied—no good comes from tearing someone else down, even if it builds a bully’s false sense of ego. Despite it being impossible to say bullying will be eradicated from society anytime soon, it’s vital that Christians stand up against this hurtful behavior. In everything we do, we need to glorify God in our actions and He would never stand for bullying.

    The way Christians must respond to bullying is by taking a bold stand against it. It is terrible that bullying still exists in the modern day; however, it is something that is in existence because of sin (and has only been enhanced thanks to today’s technology). As long as sin is in the world, bullying will continue. I mentioned above that I encountered bullying in middle school. I was bullied in the sixth grade and this caused my mother to take me out of public school. My older sisters were also bullied in public school in previous years so my mother also took them out of public school and homeschooled them too.

    I was bullied because of my appearance and my weight. The latter was one of the many factors that caused me to develop anorexia. My thought pattern consisted of thinking that if I lost weight, nobody could make fun of me anymore, nor could they bully me. Though this line of logic was obviously wrong, it’s hard to change the mind of a preteen teenager.

    Thankfully, being homeschooled got rid of the bullying, but I’m not sure how much worse the bullying could have gotten if I had stayed in public school. If you were bullied at school, or any other point in life, know that what the bully did to you was wrong. They had no right to hurt you in that way, nor did they have any right to cause you pain. Oftentimes, we feel it is our fault for being bullied because we make ourselves an “easy target,” but this isn’t true because no one deserves to be ridiculed. 

    There is an excessive need for bullying to stop. Even though I’m not in school anymore, there is still bullying going on in public schools, private schools, colleges, and in the real world. Sadly, there is no timeline for bullying as even adults bully others in the workplace and relationships. As Christians, we need to do all we can to help cease bullying, or at the very least take a stance against it in our personal lives.

    If you have been bullied or someone close to you has been bullied, you know how much you want justice to prevail and for the bully to be held accountable for their actions. This is why we shouldn’t sit on the sidelines any longer. We must stand against bullying in our words and actions. This means that we cannot sit idle or believe it is just a children’s game when it comes to bullying. As mentioned, full adults can be bullies (and are often the grown-up versions of the kids who bullied us in school). 

    What Would Jesus Do?

    When discussing how we as Christians should respond, we need to look at the example of Jesus. While it is true that Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, it doesn’t mean He says it’s okay for people to walk all over us. Rather, Jesus wants us to stand up for our safety and the well-being of others. If we see someone being bullied, Jesus wants us to come to their side and help them. In the same way, if we are being bullied, we don’t need to turn a deaf ear. If someone is bullying you now, you need to notify a parent, a teacher, or a boss. Tell someone in an authority position what is going on so you have them as support. 

    If it is a legal matter, such as being harassed or bullied on the streets, notify the police. Over the past year, I have had to fill out more police reports than I can count. On my daily walk, I’ve been having teenage boys drive by in cars screaming at me and looping back several times to blow their horns and scream at me more. It’s very stressful and scary, to say the least. Despite being an adult, I still face bullying.

    In these situations, we have to think of what Jesus would do. While Jesus would show mercy and forgiveness, He also wants justice to prevail. If someone is bullying a person and hurting them, justice requires that the wrongdoer pay for their actions. God is a God of justice and He wants to see justice given to those who have been hurt. If you are someone who has been bullied or is experiencing bullying right now, know that justice will prevail. Inform everyone of the bullying. Bullies want to make us feel alone or without hope, but this isn’t true. We have hope in God and in the people God has placed in our lives.

    Don’t keep silent. Use your voice and speak up. Don’t be afraid to tell the police, the principal, or your boss about the bullying that is going on. If you are someone who knows their loved one is being bullied, speak up for them. Tell an authority figure what is going on because nothing will change if nothing is said. 

    Our voices are weapons, and we can use them for good. We have to tell authority figures about what is going on in order for the bullying to stop. As I have done with contacting the police and filling out police reports, you can do the same. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or to speak up for others. If you don’t do anything, the bullying will only continue. If you speak up and say something to an authority figure, they will be able to make the bully stop or even remove them from the situation altogether. 

    What Can We Do As Christians

    As Christians, there is much we can do. God wants the bullying to stop, and He can give you the strength to speak up for yourself and others. God has also protected you in many ways from bullies, both in the spiritual and physical world, you haven’t noticed yet. He is always watching over you, and He will keep you safe.

    This is something we all need to remind ourselves when we are faced with bullies. Even though our bullies might look big and intimidating, they are only humans like us. God is more powerful and more strong than any bully. We can always count on God to have our backs, and He will give us the victory. Just as David defeated Goliath, the Lord will help us defeat the Goliaths in our lives (1 Samuel 17:50-53). 

    The first step to doing this is to speak up and talk to someone about it. It might be scary at first, but understand that talking to an authority figure will help the bullying stop. As Christians, we need to do all we can to stop bullying and make sure that we know what to do when it personally affects us. Through educating ourselves and others on bullying, we will be able to help more people who have been affected by bullying. Not to mention, we could also help prevent many people from ever being bullied in the first place. As Christians, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, which often looks like doing everything we can to stop bullying. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty-Motortion

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

    Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

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    We had a showdown at MC Wholesale the other day. Pull out the tumbleweeds and gun fire and we would’ve had a fight. 

    This wasn’t any argument. It was an argument over a $5 piece of technology my husband desperately pleaded he needed. To him it was a need. I called it a want or desire.

    After being asked 35 times with the word “please,” I hung my head in defeat. “I’m not going to lose my marriage over a stupid piece of equipment,” I remarked. “Go get it,” I relented. “Only if you’re okay with it,” my husband replied. I wasn’t, but I obliged. I hadn’t given up my mind. After two hours of arguing in the store, however, I realized it wasn’t worth it.

    As much as I didn’t want my husband to buy that piece of technology I would call junk, the fact was this: my husband isn’t the enemy. I suspect that yours (or your spouse or significant other isn’t the enemy either).

    Did I realize that while talking heatedly in the store? Absolutely not. Did I realize it later and regret some choice words said? Yes. Perhaps my mishap in the store can prevent you from your own.

    Here are two things I learned:

    1. Check Your Priorities

    For me, this entire situation began long before Ben saw this “beautiful piece of technology” he just had to have. It didn’t matter to me that it was “worth $1000,” “a stellar deal,” or could “just sit quietly in the basement.” What mattered was that any clutter stresses me out and makes me anxious. 

    Growing up in a home fragmented by abuse, chaos, and pain has often made stuff the enemy. It’s not that stuff did anything to me, but it was always present in my trauma.

    Piles of laundry remind me of long days and longer nights with my mom. Doing all the chores ourselves without a helping hand.

    Paper and piles remind me of overdue bills and hectic grocery trips. Did we have enough money or did someone spend it all? Could we afford to use the AC, or would we need to spend another night using the windows?

    Misplaced items we didn’t need or have room for remind me of extravagant things people would bring into our home that we clearly couldn’t afford. They remind me of someone trying to buy my love when all I really wanted was their time.

    So as Ben and I left the store and sat in the car, I thought about my priorities. He knew the concerns I’d voiced about clutter and anxiety, and I knew his. But I had to trust him and prioritize our relationship over being right or wrong in this disagreement. As my Grandma Memo often quotes, “Sometimes, agreeing to disagree,” is the healthiest and best thing you can do in that moment. It may very well still be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it can help table the conversation until later when both parties are in a better headspace. 

    2. Check Your Heart

    The second thing this incident revealed to me is stated in the title but worth noting and explaining.

    When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.

    In this particular situation, both my husband and I exemplified habits and said things we wished we hadn’t. There were many things that would’ve been better than how we handled it. Can you relate? We’re almost a year into marriage and still learning a lot. I figure I’ll be learning my entire life. But one thing I felt Christ tell me was, “Your husband isn’t the enemy.” I needed to check my heart. Do you?

    So many arguments in our lives could be prevented if we immediately took them to Christ before responding. Did I do this as soon as Ben and I disagreed? No. Did I do it fifteen minutes later? Yes. What did God tell me? To listen, have grace, and recognize the true enemy.

    Friend, no matter the situation, argument, or unpleasant circumstance you may be dealing with, I guarantee you that the person, place, or thing, isn’t the enemy. We all know that Satan is declared a liar, a thief, and someone who seeks to destroy us. Satan‘s goal is to distract us from Christ by making those around us the enemy. As Christians, we have to be wiser and smarter than that. 

    Scripture tells us that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10). If Satan can turn our friends, family, world, leaders, and nations into the enemy, then he’s already won. Don’t let him.

    Take Your Heart to Christ

    I’m not saying that what someone did to you is right or wasn’t a sin. We live in a fallen world with broken people who do and say things they shouldn’t all of the time. The abuse, manipulation, and pain that you’ve experienced are real and heartbreaking. That physical or mental trauma matters—because you matter.

    What I am saying is that before we respond to situations, we need to think. We need to make sure that our priorities and our hearts are right and not right in the sense of the world, but right in the sense of being aligned with Christ and what the Scriptures say. Why? Because doing so can prevent heartache, words spoken too soon, and reactions based on emotions rather than fairness.

    I’m an emotional person. I’ve experienced tragedy, heartache, heartbreak, trauma, and pain. But I’m learning to realize those around me aren’t the enemy. I hope this post can encourage you to learn and do the same. 

    It’s not going to be easy. It’s also not a one-and-done process. Remember, there are no quick fixes or simple answers in this life. But over time, as we allow the Spirit to work in and through us, it’s worth it.

    The next time you’re in a heated room and you feel yourself growing antsy, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What are my priorities, and have I checked my heart?” Your husband, significant other, best friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, teacher, professor, boss, you name it, isn’t the enemy. And he will do anything and everything to convince you that he isn’t. Stand on guard. Know who the bad guy really is and call him out—not those you love.

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • A Marriage Checklist for Christians

    A Marriage Checklist for Christians

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    If you are dating or engaged, thoughts about marriage are bound to pass through your mind. It’s good to ask questions about whether or not you are ready. Take your time thinking about them because they will help you considerably. Most importantly, talk with God about your thoughts and be honest with Him. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready for marriage right away or unsure if you’re with “the one.” Take your time and see where God leads. 

    Read through this checklist to ensure you’re doing all you can to follow God’s lead in marriage:

    Are You Consulting God? 

    Consulting with God is the best thing to do when you are unsure about whether you are ready or not for marriage. Marriage is a huge step and something that should not be taken lightly. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the eyes of God. Once you are married to someone, you both become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). As we can see, this is a huge commitment and one that endures throughout our lives. 

    This is why you must make sure you really know a person and want to spend your life with them. Divorce is only biblical if your spouse is unfaithful to you or abuses you (Matthew 5:32). Abuse goes against God’s design for marriage as detailed by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:22-33). You shouldn’t divorce someone just because you are tired of them or you aren’t attracted to them anymore. Keep this in mind when you are considering marriage because it is a lifelong commitment and can be hard in certain seasons.

    Go to God with all of your worries, fears, and concerns. If you are unsure about marriage right now, tell God about it. If you are really excited to get married right now, tell God about that too. It is normal to feel nervous and scared at times to take this next big step, but it is also important to know that if you are marrying the right person you should feel safe and secure with them. If you are having doubts, it is important to bring them up to the Lord.

    Ask the Lord to help you figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. He will use the Word to help point you in the right direction. If you are ready for marriage and are with the right person, it will be made known to you. However, if it is too soon for you to get married or if you are with the wrong person, God will also make that known to you. God wants you to be happy and sometimes that means waiting a little bit longer. 

    This does not mean you have to end things with your partner; however, it does mean maybe you should take things a bit slower. If you have only recently met, it might be best to wait a little while longer before you start talking about marriage. However, if you have been dating for a while and truly know each other, love each other, and are willing to commit to each other, then it’s good to go ahead and start thinking about marriage. God will give you clarity if you ask Him. 

    Are You Talking with Trusted Believers and Heeding Their Advice? 

    It’s also important to talk with other trusted believers when you are trying to answer the question of whether you are ready for marriage or not. They can be a great unbiased resource to help point you in the right direction. Not only this, but they will also be able to pray for you and ask God to make His will known to you. Trusted believers will be able to help you answer these hard questions, and if they are truly your friends, they won’t be afraid to give you their honest opinions.

    If you are relatively young, know that marriage is not a race. Trusted Christians in your life will also help remind you of this truth. If you are a teenager, know that it might be best to wait a few years before you decide to get married. It’s wise to wait and truly know the person before you commit your life to them. While many people might see this as restrictive, it is extremely helpful. Take your time and don’t feel like you have to marry the first person you meet. 

    Consult with trusted believers and listen to their input. Be open-minded and do not allow pride to get in the way of truly hearing them out. Older and wiser Christians will be able to help you in ways that your own thoughts cannot. You have to be willing to listen to them and truly think about what they are telling you. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it should not be something that is rushed into.  

    Are You Being Open with Your Partner? 

    In order to know if you are ready for marriage, you need to be open with your partner. If you are engaged and are having doubts, be open with them about it. Maybe you are worried about something in their past or you are afraid of something in your own past. If you are already engaged, this should be a sign that your partner really cares about you and wants to spend their life with you. If you know their love is unwavering, you shouldn’t be afraid to share your worries and concerns.

    Don’t downplay this or make this less important than it is. If you are going to marry them, they should be a Christian, which means they should treat you and love you as Jesus treats and loves the Church. If the person you are dating or engaged to is not a believer, then it is time to end the relationship.

    Is the Person a Christian Who Loves Jesus? 

    The Bible is clear that marriage should only be between one male believer and one female believer. As a Christian, you are commanded not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). I mention this point because there are many Christians who marry unbelievers, and their marriages are broken because both people aren’t built upon God. If your marriage is not built upon God, it will fall.

    You need to marry a believer because only a Christian will be able to lead you in the Lord, love you as Jesus loves the Church, and truly want the best for you as you grow in your relationship with the Lord. An unbeliever will not be able to help you grow in your walk with Christ nor will they love you as Jesus loves the Church. Choose to only date believers, and this will ensure you are marrying someone you are truly compatible with in life, love, and faith. 

    Marriage is a beautiful thing and it gives you the opportunity to serve Christ through your marriage. Consult God, talk with other trusted believers, and be open with your significant other. Between all these things, you will be able to know if you are ready for marriage. 

    Photo Credit: ©Sandy Millar/Unsplash

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

    How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

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    Have you ever loaned money to a friend with a promise of repayment, but the debt was never satisfied? Or perhaps you sold an item but didn’t receive the money you were due? As a matter of justice, we want accounts to be kept. We want others to pay what they owe.

    One of my first jobs involved debt collection. Thankfully, I didn’t work for a sleazy agency that harassed poor people who had no money. Instead, I worked for a corporation that sold products and called other businesses to remind them about overdue invoices. Many times, people appreciated the nudge and paid their bills. In these cases, the company could continue to buy products and services in a mutually beneficial business relationship.

    When the company did not pay the debt, however, it could no longer purchase products. The business relationship was broken.

    The debt of sin breaks relationships, too.

    I remember my broken heart in third grade when my best friend said something mean. I hid and cried all through recess. That relationship never recovered. Little did I know life would grow more difficult. A few years later, my father’s neglect and my parents’ divorce damaged my family and skewed future adult relationships.

    Since then, I’ve endured much worse offenses. I cannot think of any sin more painful than an attack against an innocent person I love. Must I forgive? And how could I possibly restore the relationship? What if the offender’s not sorry? I’ve wept and wrestled with these questions as I sought to imitate Jesus. In the process, I’ve learned more about what forgiveness is—and is not.

    The First Broken Relationship 

    Before Adam and Eve sinned, they enjoyed perfect fellowship with God. They walked and talked with Him in a transparent relationship. God revealed Himself to them, and they hid nothing from Him. The Bible says, “The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25 NLT).

    When Adam and Eve sinned, their seamless connection with God was torn. Fear gripped them because they owed God a debt for their transgression, but they had no way to pay. Just as monetary debts do not disappear when a person physically dies, the spiritual death of Adam and Eve did not cancel their obligation to God. The debt of sin passed down through generations and still torments people today.

    In His infinite mercy, God provided a temporary solution for the growing debt of His people. He accepted the sacrifice of animals to cover their sins. Later, God sent His Son, Jesus, to accept the penalty so people would no longer need to offer animals. His death on the cross paid off the entire crushing balance of sin for all people. If you have trusted Jesus for salvation, then your debt of sin is paid in full.

    We must never forget the sacrifice of His Son cost Father God dearly. He and Jesus had always enjoyed perfect unity since before time began. They, along with the Holy Spirit, are one. If you are a parent of a child who’s been hurt, you can understand a small taste of Father God’s anguish as He watched evil people torture and kill His innocent Son.

    God’s Command

    While Jesus lived on earth, He taught us to pray to God about our sins. He instructed us to say, “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And do not lead us into temptation” (Luke 11:4 NASB).

    Jesus showed us a pattern to follow regarding sin. When we disobey God, we should repent and ask for pardon. In response, He washes away guilt and restores us to a right relationship with Him. This pattern carries over into our relationships with others. If someone offends us, they should show remorse and ask for our forgiveness. Following God’s example, we forgive their debt to us (Colossians 3:13).

    The Burden of Unforgiveness

    What happens when someone can’t—or won’t—ask for forgiveness? Or perhaps they say they’re sorry, but then continue to commit the same sin. Peter posed this critical question to Jesus when he asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21 NLT). Essentially, Peter wanted to know when his responsibility to forgive ended.

    When we neglect or refuse to forgive the sins of others, we become like a collection agency. The debt of their sin weighs us down with an obligation to make them pay. At first, we may relish the prospect of extracting restitution from the person who wronged us.

    Over time, though, the task of debt collection grows burdensome. When the offender does not meet our expectations, our hearts harden toward them. If we continue the relationship, resentment may seep in. A feeling of superiority—pride—follows close on the heels of resentment. Over time, bitterness develops and gives Satan a foothold in our lives. The weight of the debt prevents us from obeying God’s mandate to love this offending neighbor as ourselves.

    Jesus answered Peter’s question about how often to forgive: “’No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:22 NLT). I can imagine Peter’s heart must have plummeted when he heard these words. Impossible!

    Seventy times seven is a figure of speech that means no limits. Jesus intends for us to forgive the coworker who gossips behind our back every day. The neighbor who bothers us with loud parties. The jealous sibling who always stirs up trouble. The spouse who broke vows. And even the person who victimized a loved one. This elevated standard of forgiveness would be impossible without the help of God’s Spirit.

    Forgiveness means giving up our claim against the person who sinned against us. Depending on the nature of the offense, a pardon may also include the restoration of a broken relationship. When restoration is reasonable and safe, trust must be earned.

    While reunification may not be possible or prudent in every instance, God always wants us to forgive.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/seb_ra

    6 Steps in the Process of Forgiveness

    Empowered by the Holy Spirit within us, we can release control of debt collection to God and forgive every offense.

    1. Meditate on the suffering and death Jesus endured to forgive all sins. 

    Picture yourself at the foot of the cross of Jesus. Remember, the blood He shed covers every person’s transgressions, including the ones that hurt you. Ultimately, offenses are, first and foremost, against God. But we often get caught in the crossfire of sin. Let’s not shortchange the value of Jesus’ extreme sacrifice with a refusal to apply His shed blood to every sin we’ve suffered at the hands of others.

    Here’s a link you could use on this topic: https://annieyorty.com/gods-person/the-crossfire-of-sin/

    2. With God, lament the offense you’ve suffered.

    In this necessary step, pour out your heart to God about the full scope of the sin against you. If the offense is minor, this process may be quick and easy. But life-changing hurts can take more time as you talk to God about the tendrils of pain that have crept into every area of your life. This is not the time to minimize or excuse. Be honest with Him about the effects of the other person’s actions on your life. If you think of the offense as a plant, you want to apply the power of Jesus’ sacrifice not only to the leaves and fruit, but also all the way down to the deepest root.

    3. In prayer, turn the responsibility of debt collection for sins against you over to Jesus.

    As the One who paid the penalty, He may choose if and when to exact payment from the offender. Thank Jesus for relieving you of the weight of this responsibility.

    4. Release the person who sinned against you from their debt.

    In your own words and in the presence of Jesus, follow this pattern:

    [Name of person], I choose to forgive and release you for [name the offense]. I will no longer expect you to repay me in any way. This offense is now between you and God. I trust Him to deal with you according to His wisdom, justice, and mercy.

    5. Speaking again to God, express your desire for God’s best for the person who has hurt you.

    Jesus said, “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:28 NLT). If you struggle to bless the offender, ask God to give you faith to trust and obey Him. He gives power to see the person who sinned against you through His eyes of love and compassion.

    6. Conclude in prayer with gratitude for the mercy God has shown to you.

    Dear Father God, I’m grateful for Your tender mercy toward me. Through Jesus, I have forgiveness for my own sins. You also carry the burden of offenses committed against me so my life won’t be controlled by bitterness and malice. You give me comfort and peace when I come to You. I trust You to bring justice to my situation in Your perfect timing, so I’ll turn over the offender’s debt to Your capable hands. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Live Unburdened

    God’s forgiveness of our sins is always complete and lasting. But our forgiveness of others may sometimes need to be renewed. If old feelings resurface, we may once again feel the weight of unforgiveness. At these times, we can run to God and regain inner peace by going through the steps of forgiveness again.

    Whether the offender is sorry or not, this process of forgiveness allows us to exchange the burden of exacting justice for the peace of God. We can trust Him to handle every offense against us.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/evgenyatamanenko

    Writer Annie YortyAnnie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram.

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  • Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

    Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

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    Abuse comes in different forms. While we easily recognize the patterns and evidence of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse proves more complex. 

    Emotional abuse involves a pattern of behavior that undermines another person’s self-esteem, sense of worth, and emotional well-being. It can manifest in several different ways but leaves no visible scars, making it a challenge to detect. However, the effects of emotional abuse lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming relationships. 

    At the core, abuse defiles the image of God given to every person at creation. Each human being has been made in God’s image, a special creation on this earth, and we should, therefore, treat that image with dignity and respect, no matter who a person is or what they’ve done. The image of God in every person pre-existed our actions and behavior, and this divine design within humanity forms the basis for God’s love and mercy for humanity. From this love, he seeks to redeem us back into a reconciled relationship with himself. 

    Whether emotional, physical, sexual, or religious, abuse brings violence to the image of God in a person. The Bible speaks against all abuse of authority, including the emotional. 

    What Bible verses address emotional abuse? 

    While not explicitly mentioned as “emotional abuse,” the Scripture addresses it through various verses emphasizing the importance of love, kindness, and respect for others. 

    Jesus dealt with how people treat others when teaching using the word “Raca,” a curse word, or “you fool.” Christ explains how religious leaders will punish people who use the curse word. Yet, if people curse another, saying simply, “You fool,” they are guilty of the same sin and subject to God’s judgment since all individuals have eternal value to God. 

    Ephesians 4:29 instructs believers to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Words possess power, and people have the responsibility to use uplifting language that encourages others rather than tears them down. Corrupt or abusive speech has no place in a believer’s life, and instead, they should speak kind and encouraging words.  

    Similarly, Colossians 3:19 addresses emotional abuse within marriage, instructing husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” In Christ, spouses must treat each other with gentleness and respect rather than harsh or demeaning language that can cause harm.  

    Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom on responding to conflict: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Problems will occur, yet believers should respond kindly rather than reacting with anger, hostility, or aggression. It encourages Jesus’ followers to approach conflicts with a spirit of gentleness and humility, seeking to constructively resolve disagreements.

    Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities stand in direct opposition to emotionally abusive behaviors such as manipulation, control, and verbal attacks. Instead, believers are called to draw upon the indwelling Spirit and cultivate these virtues in relationships, demonstrating love and respect toward others.

    What are the signs and elements of emotional abuse? 

    Emotional abuse may not have the same outward evidence, so we must learn to recognize the signs and examples of emotional abuse to address the harmful behavior. 

    Criticism appears as a key sign. This involves constant belittling, name-calling, or demeaning remarks to undermine a person’s self-confidence and sense of worth. For example, a partner who consistently criticizes their spouse’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities engages in emotional abuse. 

    This criticism brings us to the next sign, manipulation, which takes many forms, including gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using threats to control another’s behavior. A parent might manipulate their child by constantly threatening to withhold love or affection unless he or she meets certain demands and engages in emotional abuse. 

    Those who engage in emotional abuse seek to isolate others. This entails removing sources of support, such as friends, family, or social activities, to exert control. As an example, a parter who prevents their spouse from seeing friends or family members to limit access to outside perspectives and support.

    Emotional abuse often involves invalidating a person’s feelings and experiences. This can include dismissing their concerns, minimizing their emotions, or refusing to acknowledge their needs. For example, a boss who consistently ignores an employee’s complaints regarding workplace harassment engages in emotional abuse.

    For the net element, the abuser uses threats and intimidation to maintain control over a person, usually involving threats of physical violence or more subtle forms like menacing gestures. A caregiver who threatens to harm an elderly relative if they speak out about the abuse engages in emotional harm. 

    Another form of emotional abuse happens when controlling a person’s access to financial resources and using money to manipulate them. This includes withholding money, controlling access to bank accounts, or sabotaging the victim’s employment opportunities. For example, a partner who controls all household finances and refuses to allow the spouse any money independence. 

    Lastly, emotional abuse often involves blame-shifting and refusal to take personal responsibility. This can manifest through constantly shifting blame onto the victim, denying any wrongdoing, or refusing to apologize for hurtful behavior. A parent who blames their child for their own abusive behavior, claiming they provoked it, engages in emotional abuse.

    How can religion or the church be guilty of emotional abuse? 

    Since Christians are human, the Church can be guilty of emotional abuse when certain beliefs, practices, or teachings are used to manipulate, control, or harm individuals’ emotional well-being. While many churches strive to provide a supportive and nurturing environment, instances of emotional abuse still occur.

    One way churches engage in emotional abuse happens through leaders misusing their authority. Leaders who wield their influence in coercive or manipulative ways create an environment of fear, guilt, or shame among the congregation. These leaders use tactics like authoritarian rule, micromanagement of personal lives, or imposing strict or unreasonable moral standards under threat of ostracism or other punishment. Such tactics undermine people’s autonomy and self-worth, leading to emotional distress and dependency on the church for validation and approval.

    Certain scriptural interpretations perpetuate beliefs that contribute to emotional abuse. For example, teachings that emphasize submission to authority without question or condemning dissenting views foster a fearful and controlling community atmosphere. Doctrines that emphasize sin, guilt, and punishment without offering grace, forgiveness, and redemption exacerbate feelings of shame and unworthiness.

    Finally, the culture and dynamics within a church community also play a significant role in perpetuating emotional abuse. Toxic church cultures characterized by gossip, judgmental attitudes, and exclusionary practices create an environment of fear and mistrust among members. This leads to social ostracism, bullying, or emotional manipulation, particularly for those who deviate from the perceived norms or expectations of the community.

    How can Christians avoid emotional abuse? 

    We avoid emotional abuse by following the Lord Jesus Christ’s example and adhering to his principles of love, kindness, and compassion. Here are several ways Christians promote a culture of emotional health and well-being within their communities. 

    1. Cultivate a culture of love and acceptance. Jesus calls us to love one another as he loved us (John 13:34-35). This means accepting others unconditionally, regardless of their background, beliefs, or behaviors. By fostering a culture of love and acceptance, we create spaces where individuals feel valued, respected, and supported.
    2. Practice empathy and compassion. Christ demonstrated empathy and compassion towards hurting or marginalized people (Matthew 9:36). We follow his example by actively listening to others, validating their feelings, and offering support and encouragement during distressing times. 
    3. Speak words of encouragement and affirmation. Proverbs 16:24 teaches, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Words have power, and we properly use words to build others up and speak life to them and their circumstances. Offering encouraging, affirming, and thankful words uplift the spirits of those who struggle and provide them hope for the future. 
    4. Create safe spaces for vulnerability and authenticity. Romans 12:15 encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we create these safe spaces within our communities, individuals feel comfortable expressing emotions, sharing struggles, and seeking support without fear of judgment or condemnation.  
    5. Provide pastoral care and counseling. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) Problems and abuses will occur, and churches should offer pastoral care and counseling to those experiencing emotional distress or difficult circumstances. We can be part of the healing instead of perpetuating the problem. Providing a listening ear, offering guidance and support, and connecting people with further resources make a significant difference in healing. 
    6. Practice forgiveness and reconciliation. Ephesians 4:32 urges us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The Bible continually tells us to forgive others, which we couldn’t do unless someone hurt us. Unforgiveness becomes a toxin within our hearts, so we promote emotional health and well-being through practicing forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships. Extending grace and forgiveness to those who have wronged us breaks the cycle of hurt and bitterness, enabling us to restore wholeness.  
    7. Recognize and Call Out Abuse. From Matthew 21:12-13: “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.’” We must all be on guard against emotional abuse, and all abuse. The faith community should be a place where the image of God is valued and dignified, and when abuse occurs, we must address people and situations with love and grace, offering restoration and repentance while standing against and decrying the abuse. 

    By following these principles, we promote healthy emotional communities in which we value all people and offer hope and love to those who are hurting or in need. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/seb_ra

    Britt Mooney lives and tells great stories. As an author of fiction and non -iction, he is passionate about teaching ministries and nonprofits the power of storytelling to inspire and spread truth. Mooney has a podcast called Kingdom Over Coffee and is a published author of We Were Reborn for This: The Jesus Model for Living Heaven on Earth as well as Say Yes: How God-Sized Dreams Take Flight.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • 7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

    7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

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    My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke about the fact that our parents even let us get married at such an early age. Why did they let us go through with such a big decision? We had no idea what we were doing. Not that many newlyweds do.

    Mostly, we had no idea how different we were. My husband and I are total opposites in almost every way; we are not compatible on paper, at all.

    Yet we’ve done the work to make our marriage work.

    Now, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked about the secret to making a marriage last between two opposite personalities.

    For us, a happy marriage is not so much a list of dos and don’ts, but it is a few postures and decisions we’ve chosen to adapt as marital values. Here are a few:

    1. Grab a Hold of Jesus’ Forgiveness

    Elizabeth Elliot was thought to have said something like, “A happy marriage is made up of two people who forgive each other for the rest of their lives.” Marriage between two limited, imperfect human beings requires a whole heckuva lot of forgiveness.

    And often — just being honest here — we don’t have that in us. Because of our pride or anger or human selfishness, it can be easy to hold grudges rather than choose grace. So, this is when we need to access Jesus’ unending forgiveness.

    This is when we need to posture ourselves before God and ask for help, “Jesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today, because you have forgiven me so much.”

    Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” This posture of forgiveness is crucial to embrace for a happy, lasting marriage.

    2. Have Fun, Be Playful, Laugh a Lot

    As I said, my hubs and I are opposites. We don’t enjoy the same activities. We don’t ever want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On paper, we are actually totally wrong for each other.

    But we are intentional about laughing together. Scripture reminds us that laughter is good medicine, good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22), and it’s just as true in the heart of a marriage.

    A couple who can laugh together can have fun together — and that’s a meaningful way to make life’s burdens lighter together.

    3. Choose Self-sacrifice

    “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). This Scripture, along with others like it, is the real work of love and marriage.

    In public, as in private, honor one other. Put the other first. Lay down each other’s lives — in the big sacrifices and the small ones — so that you are truly putting on a posture of love.

    Choose selflessness every moment you can. This can be hurtful if both spouses aren’t posturing themselves towards self-sacrifice. But if each of you is committed to that — what a beautiful picture of love you’ll display to each other and to the world around you.

    4. Know That Different Isn’t Bad

    In marriage, especially as the years go on, it can be so easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse — especially if you are different from one another.

    One of you might be future-oriented, while the other is in the moment, but the stories you tell yourself in that difference are where the work of marriage really comes in.

    If you begin to place a value on your differences, if you begin to assume that your spouse is bad or has shortcomings simply because he or she is different than you, your marriage will never thrive. We must remember again and again that different isn’t bad.

    In fact, our differences can be gifts that help sharpen and shape the other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse get negative or harmful.

    5. Get Help

    Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. There is no shame, in fact, there is only wisdom in seeking guidance from a wise counselor, especially when the pain and conflict in marriage is too much to bear. Go often. Go every few years. Get help.

    Therapy saves marriages. Period. As the sage of Proverbs said, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise person is the one who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).

    6. Repair Matters

    Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system has calmed down after a fight, and when you are both in a more peaceful emotional place — that is the moment to do the work of active listening, of emotional repair, and of healing.

    Especially for couples who tend to be opposites, it’s worth scheduling intentional time for repair after a conflict, and even worth pausing the conflict in the moment if you are getting too heated.

    The way you have conflict and repair that conflict’s damage matters as much as, if not more, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive each other. We do this best through intentional, ongoing emotional repair.

    7. The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It

    This posture will save many marriages. If we aren’t careful, we can tend to believe the lie that we married the wrong person or that someone else — someone more like us — would make us happy.

    But the marriage that we invest in, is the one that blossoms and grows. Make bids for affection, date, choose each other. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.

    I definitely don’t believe in any silver bullets for a successful marriage, but I do believe in a few postures — a few stances — that will help make a marriage between opposites last — and make it last with success and joy.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of the podcast, Nothing is Wasted. She is the author of Big Feeling Days, The Louder Song, Overcomer, and her newest release, Known. Find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

    What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

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    Marriage versus domestic partnership can be a hot topic. Some people are okay with it, while others are not. With cohabitation becoming the norm and fewer people getting married, it’s no wonder this can be a confusing topic for most people. However, most people may not know that there are many things that marriage gives you that a domestic partnership doesn’t.

    Comprehensive Legal Recognition

    When people get married, both legal and federal governments recognize it.

    Tax Benefits

    Couples who are married can file their taxes jointly, thus potentially reducing their tax liability.

    Spousal Benefits

    When you get married, you automatically qualify for spouse benefits, including spousal Social Security, Medicare, public assistance, veteran’s military, and disability benefits.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Medical Decision Making

    By being recognized as a legal union, spouses can make health decisions regarding each other and visit each other in healthcare settings.

    Inheritance Rights

    Each spouse may inherit property from each other when one spouse dies.

    Immigration Sponsorship

    One spouse can sponsor or petition for immigration on their spouse’s behalf.

    Divorce Protection

    If you and your spouse should divorce, there are laws in place that govern how divorce works compared to the messiness of a breakup in a domestic partnership.

    Higher Life Expectancy

    Married people enjoy a longer life expectancy on average, possibly because they have a healthier lifestyle and are more content with their lives.

    Better Sleep

    Studies show that being in a lasting relationship and having a partner’s presence close by helps improve sleep quality. This could be because of better health, more normalized routines, and better financial security.

    Increased Sense of Companionship and Happiness

    We can feel connected and happy without being married, like when dating. However, married couples share the highest form of intimacy and companionship a person can share with someone.

    happy couple cooking together in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/South_agency

    Improved Health and Lifestyle

    There is a silent contract in marriages of understanding and compromise. This means compromising on certain habits that can affect your partner, like not smoking, so they aren’t inhaling your smoke or quitting fast food so as not to tempt your partner on their diet. It’s about focusing on the positive, like eating more home-cooked meals, exercising together, and doing other things to improve your health and lifestyle. Married people also have lower rates of drug and alcohol abuse.

    Less Stress and Depression

    Marriage is associated with a lower rate of symptoms of stress and depression. This is because married couples have more emotional support and readily available advice from friends, family, and professionals. Couples also share responsibilities in marriage, which can lead to emotional fulfillment and take away the stress compared to someone who lives alone.

    An Ideal Environment to Raise Children In

    Marriage gives couples the stability and confidence to raise children together. Children are most influenced by their parents, and those who come from married households have better social skills, academic performance, and overall development compared to those from divorced or unmarried-parent households. As a former daycare teacher, I can attest to how desperately children need to be in a household with a healthy marriage. I have seen so many angry, broken, and broken-hearted kids from divorced and single-parent households. Kids need stability in every area of their lives, especially at home.

    Positive Lifestyle Changes

    Over time, married people take on each other’s habits and mannerisms. One of you could be a spender, the other a saver, or one of you could lead a less active lifestyle while the other is very active. These opposite scenarios can lead to positive changes down the line.

    Physical Security

    Knowing that you have someone with whom to share life and responsibilities gives an extra layer of physical security.

    More Social Capital

    Both parties in a marriage benefit from social capital, meaning more access to social and cultural resources, better integration into communities, and improved social interactions.

    Prestige and Pride

    When couples get married, they have a sense of pride that reflects society’s perception of them and how society treats them. This also includes tangible benefits like club memberships, invitations to social events, etc.

    No Gift Tax

    Certain monetary gifts are subject to the gift tax. However, married people are exempt from tax regardless of the amount, as long as both are citizens of the country.

    No Estate Tax

    Individuals deal with estate tax after they pass away. If the money or assets left to someone in a will exceed a certain amount, estate tax comes into play. However, with married couples, one can leave as much money as they want to their spouse.

    Happy couple husband and wife planning

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Ippei Naoi

    Joint Accounts

    Opening a joint account with a spouse is a great way for both parties to stay on top of things financially. Both parties being able to see what’s in the account and having monthly finance meetings helps stop conflicts in their tracks and is a great way to build trust and loyalty with your spouse.

    Combined Credit Score

    Married couples can be eligible for more lucrative loans based on their combined credit score. This is especially helpful for those who have very low credit scores.

    Advantages in Mortgages

    When both people in a marriage work, pay their bills on time, and have a decent credit score, they have access to better mortgage deals than if they were to apply for a mortgage individually. Mortgage lenders prefer married couples because they are more apt to pay their entire mortgage.

    Social Security Payouts

    When a spouse passes away, the surviving spouse receives entitlement to survivor benefits. This is common in blue-collar jobs and the military. Besides death, a spouse can avail social security payouts in other circumstances, such as if one spouse becomes disabled (especially if it’s job-related) or cannot work because of serious health issues.

    Health Insurance

    Married couples typically get a plan to cover the whole family. In the meantime, one can list their spouse as a dependent.

    Low Rent and Cost of Living

    This is a given, but being married drastically cuts expenses compared to each of you living on your own.

    Emergency Room Benefits

    If your partner is involved in a serious accident or critical medical emergency, you will not be allowed to ride in the ambulance or be present in the emergency room or ICU. If you are a spouse, then you would have these privileges.

    Right to Sue Someone on the Deceased’s Behalf

    If your spouse is involved in a willful wrongdoing, you can sue the person or entity for wrongful death. Scenarios like this usually happen in blue-collar jobs or jobs that require intense physical involvement and risks.

    Last Rites and Funeral Arrangements

    Unless stated in their spouse’s will and testament, the spouse has complete authority to plan funeral arrangements. This includes whether to cremate or bury, and, in certain cases, spouses can sign off on things like organ and retina donation.

    Family Leave

    Married couples have the benefit of being eligible for different leave, including parental leave, caretaker leave of a sick spouse, and bereavement leave for the passing of a family member.

    couple moving in, living together before marriage

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Approval in the Eyes of God

    This is the most important benefit of all, being approved in the eyes of God. He instituted marriage as the only way to cohabitate as a couple for specific reasons and to help protect his children.

    Having a Prenup

    Agreeing to a prenup and formalizing it later is a great way for couples to guarantee a fair and judicial division of assets if they get divorced.

    A Solid Foundation

    You and your partner got married because you love each other and have built your relationship on the most solid foundation you can have: God. There is something there that binds you together compared to domestic relationships, which have less foundation and security.

    A Solid Support System

    Married couples have a more stable support system, including parents, brothers and sisters, and in-laws to help during difficult and stressful situations.

    Being a Christian couple in this day and age can be very difficult, with all the conflicting opinions on what is right and wrong out there. It’s very easy to get pressured by friends to go the simple route and do what everyone else is doing. Even our churches don’t always preach what is right, sometimes bending the truth as they see fit. It’s a scary and confusing time for Christian couples. The bottom line is, God gave us marriage and all the benefits of it for a reason. It’s protecting us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    People wonder why they are so confused with love, when our society has twisted love and intimacy into a casual, cheap thing. Our society has turned something wonderful, like marriage, into something horrible and stifling. Marriage has so many benefits over domestic partnerships that it’s worth it for people to take a second look, read their Bibles, and see marriage as God intended it to be.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man . . . who is hitting on my wife a lot . . . the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her a secret.

    We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

    I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

    The married man has suggested he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he had a dream about her and she asked him “to be alone with her.” Perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her if she’s OK and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

    This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman:
    ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you’ve been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she’s experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk.” – N

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry about the turmoil this other man has caused. 

    He might as well have waved a flaming red flag when he insisted to Jennifer she should keep his texts a secret from you, her own husband. An obsession with secrecy signals the fact that this man knew his behavior was wrong but plowed on anyway.

    I’m glad your wife confided in you about what has been going on. Score one for the unity of your marriage!

    But since you sent me the note you composed for him, let’s focus on it.

    Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you employed conveys your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with him. 

    Understandable—since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church. 

    However, there are a couple of problems I foresee if you send the note as is. 

    Married Man, Walking with Your Wife?

    Let’s start with him asking your wife out on walks.

    If this man has been hitting on your bride, is it wise to unlock your front door and allow him to pick her up before he proceeds to stroll by her side? This behavior might fit what the Bible describes as little foxes spoiling the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). 

    What may seem to be little, innocent things—nothing to see here, just a couple of friends sauntering the neighborhood together—can eventually demolish not one, but two, marriages. 

    Let me explain. 

    Here comes a married man who wishes to spend alone time with your wife, with the possibility of him pouring out even more of his feelings and other personal matters to her. This setup can lead Jennifer to feel obligated to do likewise and open her heart up to him. 

    That’s just human nature. We tend to mirror the behavior we see in each other.

    Besides that, it’s also natural for things to progress. A mutual sharing of feelings will eventually draw them closer to each other. In time, what began as sharing emotional intimacy can morph into other kinds of intimacy, including the physical and sexual kind. Full-blown affairs often began when two individuals confided their hearts in each other.

    God forbid things will ever go that far with your wife and this man!

    Even so, it’s unwise to let anyone else develop emotional intimacy with you—or, in this case, Jennifer. Being too emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse may drive a wedge into your marriage.

    Which brings me to the second problem with the note you’re proposing.

    Action Steps

    By attempting to talk to your wife without your consent (since he asked her to keep their texts from you), he’s disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, as well as his own wife. Yet helping your wife—whether in person, through text messages, or anything else—is your responsibility. Not his.

    If Jennifer needs something, especially of an emotional nature, she can turn to you, the church, or female friends—like this guy’s wife. There’s no reason he should spend private time with your wife or repeatedly inquire if she’s okay when his wife can do the same thing.

    And even if there are problems in your marriage—a big “if”—it still doesn’t give license for this man to console your wife. 

    So, where do we go from here?

    Here are some ideas. Please pray over these recommendations with Jennifer first before communicating anything to this man. The Bible says, “One can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about conveying a firm “no” to this man, your unified resistance sends a strong message to the person to back off. 

    1. No Room for an Affair

    Let him know, in no uncertain terms, how his desire for your wife is not welcome—not by her, and certainly not by you. 

    2. No Room for Secrets

    You might need to confront him directly, with you explaining how inappropriate it is for him to isolate you from your own wife. In contrast, it’s not wrong for Jennifer to tell you what this guy has been up to. You and she are one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). Whenever he tells Jennifer something, in essence, he’s also telling you the same.

    Making no room for secrets might also mean making it clear to him how he has zero private access to your wife, including through digital means. Let’s restrict all communications through group texts only. No personal voice mail. No direct messaging on social media. No clandestine emails. And, a most definite no to the two of them spending time in person without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can include you (and his wife) in the loop.

    3. Make Room to Help

    If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: His marriage is in trouble.

    Which means it’s time for outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For instance, Focus on the Family runs a list of Christian therapists who are qualified for the job. 

    By you recommending this resource or pastoral counseling to him, you’re communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him walk out the process. 

    Aftermath 

    I can understand if the following question pops up after reading the above:

    What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?

    Certainly, there is no need to confront him huffing and puffing. Put up firm boundaries with this man, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Having said that, if your words provoke him to scowl and raise a big stink, that’s too bad—but still, the sanctity of your marriage comes first. Jesus taught us as much: “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP). 

    If you left behind everyone, including the two people who conceived you, in favor of Jennifer, who is this guy to wedge himself in the middle of your sacred union with her? 

    Besides, if you and Jennifer convey a clear message that neither of you is interested in her carrying out a secret relationship with this man, you’re exemplifying a righteous fight for your godly marriage. Your stance speaks volumes.

    Hopefully, it will inspire him to fight for his own.

    All the best to you and Jennifer!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

    Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

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    Broken relationships are hard to manage. After a relationship has ended, it can be nearly impossible to repair. Many relationships might never be fully repaired, but complete healing is possible for others. It can take time and hard work, but if we really want to restore a relationship, we will put in the effort. We can see the greatest broken relationship repaired through the Lord coming down from Heaven to save us from our sins, redeem us, and repair our broken relationship with Him.

    A Repaired Relationship with God

    God repaired our broken relationship with Him by sending His Son to die for our sins. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, and sin came into the world. Ever since this time, humankind’s relationship with God has been broken. It is not repaired unless a person places faith in Jesus by believing He died for their sins, was buried, and rose again (1 Corinthians 15:1-4). The way to a repaired relationship with Jesus has been opened by Jesus dying for our sins, but it is up to us as individuals to accept it.

    The Lord went to great lengths to repair our relationship with the Father. Jesus is God Himself, the second member of the Trinity. This tells us God Himself left Heaven in order to save us from our sins and fix the relationship that we broke in the first place. As we can see, Jesus loves us deeply. He would not have gone to such extreme measures unless He truly wanted to repair our relationship with the Father.

    If you have not placed faith in Jesus yet, you have a broken relationship with Him. Unless you place faith in Him and accept Him as your Savior and Lord, you will continue to be separated from Him. While the decision is ultimately up to you, it is the most important decision you will make in your entire life. Many of us think picking out a college or career path is the most critical decision we will ever make, but this is not true. The most important decision you will ever make is if you choose to place faith in Jesus or not.

    Choosing your college or career path is important, but they do not impact your eternity. The only thing that affects your eternity is whether or not you placed faith in Jesus. The world tries to trick us into thinking other things are more important, but this is a tactic of Satan. Instead of always focusing on the present, try to look forward. Think about eternity and reflect on the truth that your fate is in your hands. Jesus came down from Heaven to repair our broken relationship with the Father, but it is up to us to accept this gift.

    Repairing Relationships with Others

    When talking about broken relationships, it is also essential to discuss the topic of repairing relationships with others. Maybe you and a friend had a falling out, you and your significant other are going through a hard time, or you are having family issues. Any of these things is enough to cause you pain, stress, and anxiety. Instead of ignoring the issue, try to address it. If you want to repair the relationship, it means you care about the person and are willing to put in effort to be close with each other again.

    If you have a broken relationship with a friend, discuss it with them. Don’t text them because that will give them an easy way just to ignore you. Call them, and if they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. If possible, schedule a time to meet in person and talk about what went wrong in the friendship. If you did something wrong, apologize and mean it. If you are giving a fake apology, your friend will be able to tell, which will only worsen things.

    Talk things out and truly listen to their side of the situation. It could be you did something to hurt them. Give them a chance to share their feelings, and do not pass judgment on them. If you really want to repair a relationship with a loved one, you will make the effort and take the incentive to do hard things. The same is true for a broken relationship with a significant other or a family member. Talk with them, allow them to express their feelings, and take the time to put in the effort.

    Your relationship might not be fixed overnight, but with time, effort, and energy, the relationship could be stronger than ever in the future. There is also the chance that the individual you are trying to fix things with will not want to see or talk to you. If this is true for you, respect their decision. Give them time, and don’t push them. They will let you know if they want to talk with you in the future.

    Working on a Relationship with Yourself

    Lastly, it is also important to work on a relationship with yourself. It could be you have a negative view of yourself or you are consumed with self-hate. This is not a healthy relationship with yourself. You should not hate yourself or have a bad view of yourself. God created you wonderfully and beautifully (Psalm 139:13-16).

    If you have a bad relationship with yourself, now is the perfect time to work on fostering a better view of yourself. Our relationships with ourselves can be one of the hardest ones we will encounter because most of us are not very nice to ourselves. Instead of being kind to ourselves, as we would to a friend, we tear down ourselves and say mean things to ourselves. This is something we have to stop doing if we are going to start having a better relationship with ourselves.

    Having a bad relationship with ourselves can manifest in mental health issues and physical health issues. Instead of allowing your mental health or physical health to take a hit, try to start working on your relationship with yourself today. Start being kinder to yourself and catch yourself before you say something mean to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critic, but we will have to let go of this if we are going to heal our relationship with ourselves.

    Many people might view this as cliche; however, it is very important to cultivate a healthy view and a healthy relationship with yourself. As mentioned, if you continue to be mean to yourself and say hurtful things to yourself, it will start impacting your actions. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” and “I’m too (fill in the blank)” will only leave you feeling terrible.

    These thoughts will lead you to action in the attempt to make these thoughts go away. If you have a bad relationship with yourself, no matter what you do, you will still think poorly of yourself. The problem is not with you, your body, your appearance, or your personality. The problem is the bad thoughts that you are feeding into. Choose to talk back to them and replace them with what God says.

    It will take time and effort, just like any other relationship, but it is worth it. You will always be you, which is why having a healthy relationship with yourself is important. Choosing to work on improving your relationship with yourself will benefit you in every area of life. You might even find that your relationship with God and others improves when you start working on having a better relationship with yourself.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/milan2099

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

    What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

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    The pain of losing a dear friend is unbearable, but after being stabbed in the back by a trusted confidant, choosing a friend becomes more cautious. What are some biblical directives for avoiding being or making fake, self-absorbed friends?

    King David knew about fake friends. When his son, Absalom, rebelled in an attempt to usurp the throne, David’s highly regarded counselor and advisor, Ahithophel, sided with Absalom. David’s Psalm 55:12-14 reflects the hurt. “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God as we walked about among the worshipers.”

    Another heart-wrenching betrayal is that of Judas Iscariot, once among Jesus’s disciples and closest friends. For a mere 30 pieces of silver, he facilitated Jesus’s arrest, identifying him to the authorities with a deceitful kiss. 

    Even amidst betrayal and deceit—acknowledging our imperfections—forging genuine friendships offers invaluable qualities like love, loyalty, stability, and wisdom. Despite our inevitable mistakes, lapses in judgment, and regrettable words, true friends accept us with all our flaws. Cultivating such meaningful connections demands patience, dedication, and unwavering commitment.

    Jesus painted a picture of friendship. Of the twelve He chose, one betrayed Him, and another failed Him. Though Peter denied knowing Jesus the night of His arrest, Jesus saw past that failure to Peter’s true heart. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted,” unlike the latter part of the same verse that depicts Judas, “but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Peter messed up.  Still, he repented, and Jesus restored him because. “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (Proverbs 10:12). 

    Jesus exemplifies the essence of true friendship. In John 15:13, he declares, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” embodying selfless sacrifice, unwavering support, forgiveness, wise counsel, and the sharing of values and faith. He goes on to affirm the depth of friendship in John 15:15, stating, “I no longer call you servants … Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” Friendship, therefore, mirrors the boundless love and eternal values of God.

    Jesus sets a high standard for friendship. Emulating His love is achievable when we choose to love others as He loves us—the second greatest commandment (Matthew 22:39). How can we do that? First of all, we recognize we are humans and fall sometimes. We pick each other up. We forgive. We have each other’s back. We treat our friends like we would like to be treated – with understanding, not holding onto a past mistake to use as a weapon later. The golden rule in Luke 6:31 really does apply: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

    The best friendships do their best to fulfill Jesus’ mandate: “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34

    True friends emulate God’s love.

    Authentic friends do their best to exhibit the traits of 1 Corinthians 13.

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.”

    Consider the story of Julie and Emma. Julie and Emma have been friends since high school and have worked through their differences. However, lately, Emma tends to hold onto past grievances and brings them up whenever they disagree. When Julie was stuck in traffic and arrived 15 minutes late to their planned lunch, Emma brought up Julie’s forgetting her birthday two years ago. She accused her of being inconsiderate and unreliable. Although Julie sincerely apologizes, Emma dwells on instances where Julie let her down. Whenever Julie makes a mistake or does something to upset Emma, Emma quickly reminds her of every misstep, making Julie feel guilty and defensive. This constant dredging of past wrongs creates a toxic atmosphere in their friendship, preventing them from moving forward and resolving conflicts healthily.

    Despite Julie’s efforts to improve and make amends, she feels like she’s walking on eggshells around Emma, afraid of triggering another barrage of past grievances. Eventually, Julie begins questioning whether this friendship is worth its emotional toll on her. Genuine friendship is built on forgiveness, understanding, and letting go of past mistakes. Unlike a fake friend,

    Authentic friends exhibit good character. 

    We are to guard against being or having a friend who is easily angered, unwise, or self-seeking.   Wise and righteous besties lead to personal growth and wisdom (Proverbs 13:20), unlike hot-tempered people with negative behaviors whom we should guard against (Proverbs 22:24-25). 

    “Bad company corrupts good character.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

    Good friends are well-informed and learning. 

    “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

    Becoming a better person is part of sharing a sweet friendship as we help one another be accountable to spiritual disciplines and move closer to Jesus. 

    Genuine friends listen and care. 

    Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People, one of the best-selling books of all time, says, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” When the conversation isn’t one-sided, listening and caring lend support.

    True friends accept you. 

    One of the first bonds of friendship is finding someone who shares similar values, which draws us to one another. C.S. Lewis says, “Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another, “What! You Too: I thought I was the only one!” 

    A true friend rejoices over your success. 

    Good friends support us in hard times and success. Oscar Wilde said, “Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.” Proverbs 3 encourages us that wisdom bestows well-being. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you…then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” (3:3-4). 

    Genuine friendships endure. 

    For decades, even before the arrival of our children, a cherished couple has been priceless companions in our lives, particularly during our most challenging moments. Despite the physical distance that now separates us, the bonds we forged through shared family vacations, meals, prayers, laughter, and tears have left indelible marks on our hearts. Though miles may divide us, the enduring seeds of friendship sown over the years keep us connected as invaluable treasures to one another.

    Ruth Graham said that when we haven’t seen a dear friend for a while, or even years, it’s like a good book: You pick up where you left off, and a new chapter begins.

    Love never fails. 

    True friendship has consistent support and trust. Love always “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:7). And that kind of love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Such friends refrain from a “me-first” mentality with selfish motives. Anger is quickly dealt with in a forgiving way that holds no grudges. 

    Is there biblical wisdom to guide us away from fake friendships? 

    Yes, indeed. The key lies in embracing the biblical principle: “Lay down your life for your friends,” carried out through the practical application of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  True friends emulate God’s love, possess healthy character, offer acceptance, attentive listening, and unwavering support. They celebrate your victories, offer sound counsel, and stand by you through life’s trials. Thomas Aquinas said, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship,” one of life’s sweetest merits, both in the present and eternally.

    Photo Credit: Prostock-studio/Konstantin Postumitenko via Canva Pro

    Judy McEachran loves to worship the Author of life and love. She is an ordained pastor and gifted musician who writes and speaks to encourage believers. She pastored churches in the Midwest and after retirement moved to Arizona. She is humbled not only by the gracious love of God but by her devoted husband, two sons, and ten grandchildren. You can visit her website at God Secrets that Impart Life. Find her music on YouTube. Judy’s natural musical giftings invite worshippers into the presence of the Lord.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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    Judy McEachran

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  • 31 Days of Comforting Promises for Widowers Straight from Scripture

    31 Days of Comforting Promises for Widowers Straight from Scripture

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    When my wife, Amy, passed away after a 13-month, no-holds-barred battle with cancer, I thought I was ready.

    I wasn’t ready. Honestly, I’m still not ready, but I have found comfort each day in God’s promises of old. May I share a few of those with you now?

    Here are 31 days of God’s ironclad promises for widowers; I pray they help your soul as they have strengthened mine.

    Day 1

    God’s Promise:

    “I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.”—Psalm 16:8 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord Jesus, my mind knows you’re with me today. Please help my heart to know it as well. (I struggle with that sometimes.) Amen.

    Day 2

    God’s Promise:

    “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”—Psalm 27:13-14 NASB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Oh, Father! I will despair unless your goodness visits me here in the land of the living. Please be good to me today—all day. Amen.

    Day 3

    God’s Promise:

    “Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.”—Psalm 31:9-10 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Have mercy, Jesus. Have mercy on my soul today. Please have mercy. Amen.

    Day 4

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.”—Psalm 34:18-19 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, it must be obvious to you that I’m brokenhearted. It’s not so obvious to me that you’ll come to my rescue. Will you show me that today, please? Amen.

    Day 5

    God’s Promise:

    “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”—Psalm 51:10-12 ESV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    O God! Today, in me, please: Create. Renew. Keep. Restore. Uphold. I trust in you, Amen.

    Day 6

    God’s Promise:

    “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”—Psalm 56:3-4 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, I didn’t expect that losing my wife would make me feel afraid, but I’m so scared. Help me to trust in you and not to fear today. Please. Amen.

    Day 7

    God’s Promise:

    “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”—Psalm 56:8 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    How funny, Father, that you’d collect my tears in your bottle! But also very kind. Thank you for remembering my sorrow today. Amen.

    Day 8

    God’s Promise:

    “Oh, I must find rest in God only, because my hope comes from him! Only God is my rock and my salvation—my stronghold!—I will not be shaken. My deliverance and glory depend on God. God is my strong rock. My refuge is in God.”—Psalm 62:5-7 CEB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Dear God, my soul struggles to rest; my heart longs to hope again. Today, in some small way, would you show me how to hope and rest? Amen.

    Day 9

    God’s Promise:

    “He will shelter you with his wings; you will find safety under his wings. His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall. You need not fear the terrors of the night…”—Psalm 91:4-5 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, it’s so hard to face the night without her near me anymore. So hard. When I close my eyes tonight, please let me feel the shelter of your wings. Amen.

    Day 10

    God’s Promise:

    “I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!”—Psalm 116:1-2

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Dear Jesus, dear, dear Jesus. As long as I have breath, remind me that you bend down to listen! I need you today, so thank you for being near. Amen.

    Day 11

    God’s Promise:

    “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.”—Psalm 116:15 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Father. Her death was precious to me, too. Thank you for sharing that with me today. Amen.

    Day 12

    God’s Promise:

    “My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.”—Psalm 119:28 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    What else can I say, today, Lord? My soul also melts from heaviness. Please strengthen me according to your promises. Amen.

    Day 13

    God’s Promise:

    “Those who sow in tears, Shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him.”—Psalm 126:5-6 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Well, God, here are my tears! Now it’s up to you. How about we reap joy—at least a little bit—sometime today? Amen.

    Day 14

    God’s Promise:

    “Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.”—Psalm 143:8 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Precious Jesus, I am trusting you today. Oh, Lord Jesus, I give myself to you today. Amen. Amen.

    Day 15

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads…The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth.”—Psalm 145:14, 18 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord of all, I’m calling on you now; I feel so bent beneath this sorrow. Will you help and lift it? Will you be close today? I can’t wait to find out. Amen.

    Day 16

    God’s Promise:

    “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.”—Proverbs 4:23 NCV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    All right, God, I get it. This is a good reminder because my thoughts so often go to anger and despair. Today, help me turn my thoughts to you and to hope instead. Amen.

    Day 17

    God’s Promise:

    “He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.”—Isaiah 40:29 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Power to the weak? Oh, how I need that, Holy Spirit! I am so weak. So weak. If you’re giving power today, I’ll take as much as you want to hand out. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 18

    God’s Promise:

    “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down…”—Isaiah 53:3-4 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, I do so quickly forget that you know—intimately—what I’m going through. Sigh. Lord, I’m sorry for your sorrow. Yet, I am also thankful you know it and me so well. Amen.

    Day 19

    God’s Promise:

    “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.”—Isaiah 57:1-2 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Father, I don’t know why my wife passed away before I did, but I trust that you are giving her peace to rest. Please give me a measure of that peace today, too. Amen.

    Day 20

    God’s Promise:

    “For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.”—Lamentations 3:31-33 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, I struggle with the idea that you might’ve brought me this grief. It’s heartbreaking! But I still long for your compassion and unfailing love today. Help me to see that, please. Amen.

    Day 21

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him”—Nahum 1:7 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord God, you are good. Even lost in grief, I still know that’s true. Today, will you be my refuge? Help me experience your care, for I trust in you. Amen.

    Day 22

    God’s Promise:

    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”—Matthew 5:4 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, so often lately, this promise feels untrue for me. How about if you and I work together today, so I can testify that it is true—regardless of how I feel right now? Amen.

    Day 23

    God’s Promise:

    “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”—Matthew 11:28-29 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Jesus. Here I am. I’ve come to you, hands open to receive. Give rest to my soul today, please. I’ve been waiting for that. Amen.

    Day 24

    God’s Promise:

    “In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings.”—Romans 8:26 HCSB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, I have no words today, so I’m just going to cry for a while. Please intercede for me now. Amen.

    Day 25

    God’s Promise:

    “For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, hostile powers, height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!”—Romans 8:38-39 HCSB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Wow. Not even death? You are impressive, Christ Jesus. Please grant my heart nearness to your love today when I feel so, so alone. Amen.

    Day 26

    God’s Promise:

    “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”—2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, we both know how weak I am, lost in this half-life of sorrow. So now, will you make your power rest on me? I could use that today. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 27

    God’s Promise:

    “Christ himself is our peace.”—Ephesians 2:14 NCV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Jesus. Draw my soul near to your presence today. I love that you are my peace. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 28

    God’s Promise:

    “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.”—Ephesians 3:16-17 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Limitless Father, today I ask this from you: Inner strength through your Spirit. Christ at home in my heart. My soul rooted in your love to keep me strong. Amen.

    Day 29

    God’s Promise:

    “And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died…So encourage each other with these words.”—1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 18 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Thank you, Lord, for this encouragement. Please help me today. I don’t want to grieve without hope! Thank you for caring. Amen.

    Day 30

    God’s Promise:

    “God has said, ’Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’”—Hebrews 13:5

    Praying God’s Promise:

    God, I know that I’m not great company sometimes- especially lately. Thank you for sticking around today, anyway. Love you. Amen.

    Day 31

    God’s Promise:

    “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever…Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”—Revelation 21:4-5 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, it struck me today that you’ve probably already wiped the tears from my wife’s eyes. Thank you for that. Would you tell her I love her—and I’m looking forward to the day when we both get to experience no more death…or sorrow…or crying…or pain? Amen!

    Related: 3 Things to Remember as a Widower in the Midst of Grief

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Goodboy Picture Company

    Mike Nappa is a practical theologian known for writing “coffee-shop theology” and Christian Living books. He’s a bestselling and award-winning author with millions of copies of his works sold worldwide. An Arab-American, Mike is proud to be a person of color (BIPOC) active in Christian publishing. Google Mikey to learn more, or visit MikeNappa.com. Find Mike Nappa’s bestselling book, Reflections for the Grieving Soul wherever books are sold.

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  • Does God Forgive Sex Before Marriage?

    Does God Forgive Sex Before Marriage?

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    My husband and I have the distinct honor and privilege of leading a small group of youth students at our church. It’s truly remarkable to see how they are taking leaps of faith and stepping out in courage to make God’s name known. God is really moving in this up-and-coming generation, and it is truly awe-inspiring!

    Yet, it’s also worth mentioning that these kiddos are the enemy’s prime target. Unfortunately, he is using every tactic possible to manipulate and falsify faith-filled messages that are built on truth and grace. Add to that the current society that is entrenched in so many misconceptions about their identity and the misguided views on sex that confusion is running rampant. The result is that children and teens who have grown up in the church and profess their faith are failing to see the way God truly sees them and the nature of sin.

    Honestly, it’s an easy trap for any of us to fall into, as each generation has their fair share of worldly and sinful struggles. And, while the method may have shifted or changed over the years, the temptations are still strong and sugarcoated, the lies are just as clever, and the bait to sinful choices always lure us in with tempered thoughts that look to push boundaries and find loopholes in God’s law. This is generally when the heavy weight of guilt and shame meets the whispers that state, God will never forgive me.

    Friends, the deceiver is still deceiving! But God is still God, and His very nature exudes love, grace, and mercy. So, when one of those students asked if God forgives sex before marriage, my initial response was a wholehearted, “Yes, of course, He does!” However, I know that there are many layers to this question, and it comes with a heart that may be seeking permission to fall into lust (if there will be forgiveness) or repentance due to guilt that is weighing heavy.

    There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s address this issue, shall we?

    Are All Sins the Same to God?

    First, we must address the question about sin. Are all sins really the same to our God? The simple (and short) answer is yes and no. Yes, because all sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2). James 2:10 basically states if one keeps the whole law but stumbles just a bit, they are guilty of breaking all of it. Sounds pretty harsh, right?

    Well, the point that James is driving home here is that all sins matter to God, no matter how big or small they may seem. That means we mustn’t dismiss any sin we commit and confess it to God. However, that said, there are degrees to sin. Proverbs 6:16-19 lays out seven sins the Lord really detests. Pride, lying, murder, evil intent and enjoyment, perjury, and stirring up strife and division.

    While these are all sinful choices and detach us from God, festering hurt, pain, and betrayal in our relationships, it’s not just the sin itself but the nature of our heart that God chooses to see (1 Samuel 16:7, Jeremiah 17:10). If a heart is bent toward deceit and malice, the consequences and punishment will be given by God accordingly (John 3:36), but if the heart is pliable and soft, God grants great mercy and grace (Ezekiel 36:26-28).

    Pertaining to the lustful sin of sexual relations outside of marriage, Jesus addresses this in Mathew 5:27-28, stating that this type of sin manifests in the mind and then grips the heart. Just the sheer fact of looking at another with lustful eyes is committing adultery and can lead to devastating consequences. However, the physical act of committing adultery bears a whole new set of consequences. In Jesus’ day, it was punishable by death. Today, we see how sexual relations outside the confines of a marriage can leave a mark of deep pain and a wake of utter betrayal with shame to follow.

    Jesus is telling us that our thoughts often produce our choices, and sinful thoughts and choices have lasting consequences that affect not just our lives but the lives of others, including those we love. Even more, when we don’t guard our minds and hearts, including how we view sexual relations, it will cause grave consequences and a disheartening distance of separation between us and God.

    God’s Plan Is Best

    While all sin separates us from God, and we understand that there are degrees of sin that can conjure up different levels of consequences and punishments, it’s wise to understand what God really wants when it comes to our sexuality, so we can live accordingly.

    Sex and our sexual identity are part of God’s design for us. We are to enjoy the gift that masculinity and femineity bring into a marriage, and honor God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 7:5). Sex is a beautiful blessing that God offers a man and woman when they proclaim their vows and become one flesh under Him through a covenant (Mark 10:8-9). Apart from that, it goes against God’s plan for us and can cause dissonance and damaging consequences.

    Several passages in the Bible tell us to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, Galatians 5:19-20) because God knows that sex outside of a marriage can lead to a misunderstanding of the power and beauty it offers faithful married couples.

    Yet, more and more couples, including Christians, are finding it difficult to wait and may see nothing wrong with entertaining the thought if they have plans to get married one day. However, as mentioned before, impure thoughts are merely playing with fire and can lead couples to carry out actions that can (and will) taint their relationship.

    The truth is when a couple chooses not to wait for marriage and God’s perfect timing, it essentially mocks and cheapens this precious gift. Going beyond God’s boundaries and plan also brings forth its own unique set of consequences. Due to sex being a blessing from God that is to be shared between a husband and a wife, the hormone oxytocin is released to help create a special bond that builds trust and promotes unity. When this is done outside the confines of a marriage, it is proven to have an adverse reaction, generally weakening the bond. Not only that, but the view on sex overall will become distorted and flawed, making the relationship numb to growing spiritually.

    God Is Full of Mercy

    So, where is the hope? Does God truly forgive sex before marriage? Yes! The answer is still a wholehearted “Yes.” While this sin comes with many emotional strings attached and can bear quite a heavy burden, the reality is that once we know where our identity is found, we know where to find our source of hope that leads to redemption!

    Let’s look at the heartfelt (and longest) conversation Jesus had with another person in the gospel of John. A conversation that would have been seen as forbidden, and even unlawful, as Jewish men were not to speak to unknown women, let alone a Samaritan. But that didn’t hinder Jesus from setting up a divine intervention with this woman. A woman seen as an outcast and adulterer by her community. Yet, Jesus was already waiting for her. Ready to meet her in her hurt, pain, and shame (John 4:7-14). In His loving and gentle way, Jesus tells her that her sins may have caused her great harm, leaving her soul desolate and dry, but He is the answer to find healing and hope (John 4:21-16).

    Oh, sweet brother or sister, if you are wrestling with the sin of sexual immorality, Jesus sees you and is waiting for you to come to Him. He is waiting to offer you hope found in the living water that will wash away your sin and cleanse you from all the hurt, shame, and guilt. You are never too far gone for Him to reach you. Soften your heart today and seek repentance, then receive His great gift of mercy.

    Photo credit: iStock/Getty Images Plus/silverkblack

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Is it Ever a Sin to Stay Married?

    Is it Ever a Sin to Stay Married?

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    “God hates divorce.” Every married Christian in the Western hemisphere is familiar with the Malachi 2:16 verse, likely used to respectively warn and encourage any Christian sister or brother pondering the subject of divorce. I believe most of us agree God prefers married people to stay married, and we should do everything possible to maintain the vows to our partner and the Lord. After all, marriage is a sacred act, the foundation for family, and divorce is a universally grievous experience.

    But just as we live in a fallen world full of broken people and a myriad of circumstances beyond our control, sometimes our vows fail us. Sometimes, the one who swore to love and protect us pivots severely in spirit and behavior, instead bringing pain and harm. Sometimes a spouse turns from the Lord completely, or falls so deeply into sin they lose themselves, and their capacity to love. Unforeseen acts like physical abuse, manipulation, and infidelity occur, and we’re left in a pool of unfathomable heartache, staring at a seemingly bottomless chasm between what was promised and what is.

    And aside from all the confusion and difficult questions we’re left struggling with, we’re often left with the uncomfortable, often polarizing question: Should Christians stay married no matter the cost? Is it ever against God’s will to remain in toxic, unhealthy marriages for the sake of keeping our vows? Some say yes. After all, Jesus turned the other cheek, suffered at length, and still loved those nailing him to the cross. And let’s remember, marriage is a sacrifice, not a vacation. Bad marriages may feel unbearable, but life isn’t about our happiness, and God is enough.

    All that sounds biblically-informed enough, but what about when a marriage involves one spouse dishonoring God by harming the other? What does the Bible say about remaining in abusive relationships where behaviors like spiritual manipulation, financial abuse, infidelity, gaslighting, and physical intimidation exist? Can it even be considered a sin to stay married in such sad, extreme cases?

    I believe the best place to begin is by examining God’s heart and purpose for marriage in the first place. In Ephesians 5:22, marriage is compared to the relationship between Christ and the church, teaching that Christian spouses reflect this mystery. As God willed for Christ and the church to become one body (Gal. 3:28, 1 Cor. 12:13), so He desires marriage to reflect this pattern—that the husband and wife become one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

    In the Catholic faith, Christians believe that the sacrament of marriage is a public declaration of commitment to another person and a public statement about God. The loving union of a couple is seen as an example of God’s values and family values.

    So what does God expect of those partaking in the holy sacrament of marriage? Naturally, I could regurgitate that 1 Corinthians 13 verse (love is patient, love is kind) and then, of course, pivot to the Ephesians 5:25 verse instructing husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22). But it really comes to this: the purpose of marriage is to exemplify the love of Christ to our spouse, daily. Not just for our own growth and joy but so that others (our kids, colleagues, neighbors, friends) might see God’s nature and give Him glory. By adopting a lifestyle of self-sacrifice and unconditional love towards our spouse, we both become more like Jesus and, hence, closer to God.

    So when we’re talking about the potential of God desiring the obsoletion of these vows, we’re obviously not talking about leaving a marriage due to bad habits, character flaws, communication issues, loss of attraction, etc. We’re not talking about being “stuck” with a spouse who has proclivities to sin or remains spiritually complacent or “suffering” through extreme seasons of discontentment or discord. That’s just life. These (and so many others) are common challenges that take sacrifice, compromise, selflessness, patience and most likely some decent marriage counseling to work through, with God’s grace. But what about when a spouse begins mistreating the other and is unwilling to change?

    Jesus only names infidelity (Matt. 19:9) as grounds for divorce. Does that mean God expects a spouse to stay married to a physical abuser? What about continued, purposeful verbal attacks? What about an unapologetically intentional habit of a husband or wife acting inappropriately with members of the opposite sex? What would Jesus say to us today if given the chance to counsel his sweet daughter or son living with a spouse who’s willfully and perpetually violating his or her vows with no signs of true repentance? Would he ever consider it a sin to stay married?

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Alex Green

    I believe the answer becomes clear as day when exploring the meaning of sin in the first place. Sin is anything that separates us from God. It can be foul language, idolatry, lying, pride, lust, etc. When we continue in these behaviors without repenting, the Holy Spirit living in us remains grieved, and we can’t enjoy close communion with Him. But how could something good and ordained by God, like marriage, be a sin? The same way all the other innately good, godly things like sex (when married), food, wine, work, and entertainment are misused every day (by millions) and turned into acts of gluttony, drunkenness, and idolatry.

    I would venture to say some spouses remain in unhealthy, God-dishonoring marriages not out of duty to their vows but out of sin itself. Some would rather raise their children under the roof of a manipulating abuser than endure the “shame” and embarrassment of a divorce, hence making the marriage less of a sacrament and more of an idol or even a mockery that grieves the Lord. Marriage license or not, I believe when a spouse continually engages in any of the malicious, harmful behaviors mentioned above, their vows have already been broken. And by staying married to a destructive spouse – even in the legal sense- we’re not only enabling sinful behavior, we’re perpetuating a degraded, distorted version of God’s design for marriage in the first place. And everyone around us pays the price.

    God certainly does not receive glory when children see their mother transmute into a verbally battered shell of herself by staying with an abusive husband and instituting a sick view of marriage for her children. The beauty of God’s ways is not reflected when friends witness a wife demeaning and brow-beating her husband for years without any sign of regret. The majesty of God’s nature is captivating friends who watch a husband financially manipulate his wife for years to control and possess her.

    Notice that the key denominators here are unwillingness and repentance. The biblical meaning of repentance is turning away from self and to God. It involves a change of mind that leads to action. It’s never okay for a spouse to push another during a fit of anger. It’s never okay for a spouse to demean another to tears with their words. It’s never okay to watch porn or flirt with a co-worker. But I do believe any/all sins can be forgiven and behaviors changed when a spouse experiences true repentance, desires change, and gains trust through proven action.

    In a harmful marriage where the spouse is unwilling or unable to change unhealthy habits, I believe Jesus would say it’s our job to forgive but not reconcile. Because on this side of heaven, there are still consequences, even after forgiveness. Galatians 6:8 says, “Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.”

    There is a way to forgive an abusive spouse without holding any bitterness in our hearts while choosing to go our separate ways. It’s the same exact concept we see enacted when a Christian pastor commits sexual immorality, adultery, or some other egregious act and is rightly removed from leadership. Should he be forgiven by the Lord, his church, and his victims? Absolutely. But forgiveness does not always equate to restoration. Just as the fallen pastor loses the privilege of shepherding God’s people, so should an abusing spouse lose the privilege of remaining united to any child of God.

    I feel as much as we idolatrize the act of marriage in the Christian life, we also over-villainize divorce to an extent. We make divorce second only to the unpardonable sin. We’ve put divorce on a pedestal of evil, looking down from its throne of doctrinal villainhood upon all the lesser sins, with gluttony, malice, lying, complaining, coveting, envying, stealing, and cheating shouting upward, “At least we didn’t break our oath to Jesus! At least we didn’t break a family up!”

    God always values life over law. It’s why Jesus healed a lame man on the Sabbath despite the Pharisees’ condemnation. Staying married to an unrepented spouse bringing continual harm for the sake of “upholding” a sacrament was never God’s intention. While evil exists in this world, so will divorce, and for some of us, Jesus remains our only true bridegroom. And thankfully, His love never fails, never harms, and always endures.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/somethingway

    Jessica Kastner is an award-winning writer and author of Hiding from the Kids in My Prayer Closet. She leads Bible studies within juvenile detention centers with Straight Ahead Ministries and offers unapologetically real encouragement for women at Jessicakastner.com.

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  • Building a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

    Building a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

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    A strong marriage is one with deep and abiding love between spouses. Selflessness, giving of oneself, and an unwavering dedication to the happiness and well-being of the other characterize this kind of love. Couples prioritize their relationship above all other human connections and make a conscious effort to nurture and strengthen their bond over time.

    Communication is the lifeblood of any successful relationship, and in a strong marriage, couples prioritize open, honest, and respectful communication. They actively listen to each other, express their thoughts and feelings openly, and work together to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings healthily and constructively.

    In a strong marriage, spouses respect each other’s individuality, opinions, and feelings. They support each other’s goals, dreams, and aspirations, cheering each other on through life’s triumphs and challenges. There is a deep sense of mutual admiration and appreciation for each other’s strengths and contributions to the relationship.

    Couples in a strong marriage also share common values, beliefs, and goals that serve as the foundation for their relationship. They align on important issues such as faith, family, finances, and lifestyle choices and work together towards common objectives. This shared sense of purpose fosters unity and collaboration in the marriage.

    Physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are also essential in a strong marriage. Couples prioritize quality time together, nurturing their emotional connection through meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and acts of affection. 

    They prioritize each other’s needs and desires, cultivating a deep and fulfilling bond that sustains them through the ups and downs of life.

    Lastly, for Christian couples, a strong marriage is grounded in a shared faith in God and a commitment to spiritual growth both individually and as a couple. They rely on their faith to guide them through challenges, seek God’s wisdom and guidance in their decisions, and prioritize spiritual practices such as prayer, worship, and studying the Bible together.

    Why You Must Build a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

    Building a strong marriage as Christian parents isn’t just about personal fulfillment; it’s about laying a firm foundation for the well-being and stability of your entire family. 

    Here’s why it’s so crucial:

    Modeling Healthy Relationships: As parents, we are the primary influencers in our children’s lives. Our marriage serves as a model for their understanding of love, commitment, and relational dynamics. By nurturing a strong and loving marital bond, we provide our children with a blueprint for healthy relationships in their own lives.

    Emotional Security for Children: A strong marriage creates a sense of security and stability for our children. When they witness their parents loving and supporting each other, they feel reassured and confident in their family environment. This emotional security lays the groundwork for their overall well-being and development.

    Effective Parenting: When spouses are united and supportive of each other, they can make decisions together, establish consistent discipline, and provide a nurturing environment for their children to thrive. This unity strengthens the family unit and fosters a sense of cohesion and teamwork.

    Resilience in Times of Crisis: When couples are deeply connected and committed to each other, they can weather storms together, leaning on their faith and each other for strength and guidance. This resilience not only benefits the couple but also sets a powerful example for their children on how to navigate adversity with grace and faith.

    Fulfillment and Joy: A thriving marriage brings fulfillment and joy to our own lives. When we prioritize our relationship with our spouse, invest in communication and connection, and cultivate a loving partnership, we experience a deeper sense of satisfaction and purpose. 

    This fulfillment radiates throughout the family, creating a positive atmosphere of love and happiness.

    Strong Marriage Through Foundation in Faith

    Building a strong marriage on a foundation of faith is like constructing a sturdy house on a solid rock rather than shifting sand. It provides a steadfast anchor in the storms of life and a guiding light in times of darkness. 

    Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust in the Lord wholeheartedly, surrendering our understanding and relying on His wisdom and guidance. 

    In marriage, trusting in God’s plan for our relationship is paramount. 

    Couples must also prioritize their relationship with God, both individually and as a unit. Individually, each spouse should cultivate their relationship with God through prayer, reading the Bible, and spiritual disciplines. 

    This personal growth strengthens their faith and equips them to contribute positively to the marriage. Additionally, setting aside time for shared spiritual practices such as praying together, attending church services, and studying the Bible as a family fosters unity and spiritual intimacy. 

    By building their marriage on Christ, couples can weather any storm and experience the abundant blessings of a union grounded in faith.

    Strong Marriage Through Communication and Connection

    Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” 

    Listening is more than just hearing; it’s about truly understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective. Practice active listening by giving your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and reflecting on what you’ve heard to ensure understanding.

    By listening attentively without interrupting or rushing to respond, couples demonstrate respect and validation for each other’s experiences and emotions. Emotions are also a natural part of being human, and learning to express them constructively is crucial for healthy communication in marriage. 

    Strive to openly share your feelings, needs, and concerns with your spouse, using “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or accusing your spouse. 

    Remember, conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you navigate and resolve conflicts determines the health and longevity of your marriage. Therefore, approach conflicts with humility, patience, and a willingness to seek compromise and understanding. 

    You must understand that conflicts can be opportunities for growth and deep connection when approached with love and respect.

    Amidst the busyness of life, it’s important to prioritize quality time with your spouse to nurture your connection and intimacy. So, schedule regular date nights and engage in activities you both enjoy. 

    Whether going for a walk, cooking together, or simply cuddling on the couch, spending intentional time together strengthens the emotional bond and reinforces the foundation of your relationship.

    Strong Marriage Through Shared Values and Goals

    Aligning on core values and goals as a couple is vital for building a strong and enduring marriage. As Amos 3:3 wisely points out, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” This verse underscores the necessity of agreement and harmony in a relationship.

    Firstly, let’s delve into the significance of shared values. 

    In any relationship, including marriage, having shared values forms the foundation upon which trust, respect, and understanding are built. These values encompass beliefs, principles, and priorities that guide your decisions and actions. 

    When spouses share similar values, it creates cohesion and unity within the marriage, fostering a sense of common purpose and direction.

    Also, establishing common goals is essential for couples to progress and thrive. 

    These goals can encompass various aspects of life, including finances, parenting, career aspirations, and personal growth. By openly discussing and setting goals as a couple, you build a sense of partnership and collaboration.

    When it comes to finances, for instance, being transparent and discussing budgeting, saving, and spending habits can prevent conflicts and promote financial stability. Similarly, discussing parenting styles and agreeing on approaches to discipline, education, and family dynamics can strengthen your co-parenting partnership.

    Lastly, by working together towards common goals, you strengthen your bond as a couple and achieve greater fulfillment and success in your endeavors. Whether by pursuing career aspirations, building a family, or contributing to the community, shared goals provide a sense of purpose and unity.

    Strong Marriage Through Prioritizing Each Other

    Ephesians 5:25 provides a profound reminder of the sacrificial love husbands are to demonstrate towards their wives, mirroring Christ’s love for the Church. This verse reveals the importance of prioritizing one’s spouse above all earthly relationships, second only to our relationship with God.

    Prioritizing each other in marriage involves intentional actions and attitudes that demonstrate love, respect, and appreciation on a daily basis. It requires recognizing the value and significance of your spouse in your life and making consistent efforts to nurture and strengthen the marital bond.

    One practical way to prioritize your spouse is through acts of service. This involves actively seeking opportunities to serve and support your partner in their daily life. Whether by helping with household chores, running errands, or offering a listening ear after a long day, acts of service are how you demonstrate love and selflessness.

    Also, note that words of affirmation play a crucial role in building up and encouraging your spouse. Taking the time to express appreciation, admiration, and affection through kind words and affirming gestures can uplift your partner’s spirits and strengthen the emotional connection between you. 

    Simple phrases like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I’m proud of you” can have a profound impact on your spouse’s sense of worth and belonging within the marriage.

    Physical affection is another important aspect of prioritizing your spouse. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical touch convey love, warmth, and intimacy in the relationship. 

    Making time for physical affection fosters emotional closeness and strengthens the bond between husband and wife.

    Strong Marriage Through Setting an Example for Children

    One of the most profound ways parents can influence their children is by demonstrating unity, love, and respect within their marriage. Children observe and absorb the dynamics of their parents’ relationship, and a harmonious and loving marriage is a powerful example for them to emulate in their future relationships.

    Parental unity is particularly impactful, as it provides children with a sense of security and stability. When we prioritize our marriage and work together as a team, it creates an environment of trust and emotional safety for children to thrive. They learn the importance of cooperation, compromise, and communication in building strong and lasting relationships.

    Moreover, the love and respect we show each other as a couple lay the foundation for healthy attitudes such as love and selflessness in our children’s lives. When children witness their parents treating each other with kindness, empathy, and affection, they internalize these values and carry them into their interactions with other people.

    Also, involving our children in family discussions and activities further reinforces a sense of unity and belonging. This encourages children to feel valued and heard, strengthening their bond with their parents and siblings.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Monkey Business Images

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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