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  • Still People-Pleasing? Do This Instead

    Still People-Pleasing? Do This Instead

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    “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

    One of my earliest memories of people-pleasing was around the age of four when my older cousin took me to one of her college classes. As she introduced me to her friends, I remember the intense feeling of wanting to be liked. It was as if I was center stage, putting on a performance in hopes of gaining their applause.

    Fast forward fifty years and I still find myself getting caught in cycles of people pleasing. I’m more aware of it now, and better able to realign my thoughts, but the desire for acceptance is still a very real issue.

    Sadly, our preoccupation with people’s approval hinders us from the freedom we have in Christ—the freedom to love and serve others. Often, we miss divine opportunities to pour into people because we are so consumed by what they think of us. This isn’t something we like to admit, but it’s true.

    If you’re still people pleasing, here are a few things to do instead:

    Remember Your Audience

    “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Colossians 3:23 (ESV)

    Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “Live for an audience of One.” When I think of this, I picture an auditorium with one person in the front row—Jesus. As I stand on the stage of my life, I have nothing to prove, nothing to perform. In fact, I envision welcoming Him onto the stage, allowing Him to be front and center.

    Through Jesus, we have the acceptance we most desire, as Ephesians 1:3-6 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved” (NKJV).

    My friends, we will never be more loved, accepted, or approved of than we already are. And because we live for an audience of One, we are free to share our gifts and talents without the need to perform. We don’t need the applause of man or the standing ovation of the world. We only need Jesus as center stage of our life.

    A Prayer to Remember Your Audience:

    Gracious God, when I’m tempted to perform for others, remind me that You are my audience of One. Please remain front and center in my life, keeping my gaze fixed on You. Thank You for loving me, choosing, me, and accepting me. I am blessed to live a life pleasing to You. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.

    Remember Your True Desires

    When trying to break the cycle of people-pleasing, it can be helpful to remember your true desires. What fulfills you most? What gives you peace and joy? I’m not talking about superficial desires that often involve man’s approval, but instead, your true desires that bring lasting fulfillment and contentment. For example:

    -Spending more time with God through prayer, Bible study, and worship

    -Loving your spouse openly and lavishly

    -Cherishing time with your family, pouring into them as God leads

    -Valuing people, making them feel seen and heard

    -Serving the Body of Christ with your God-given talents

    -Doing your work with excellence and integrity

    -Taking good care of your temple—mind, heart, body, and spirit

    By listing the most important things in life, you’re redirecting your thoughts away from self-centeredness to others-centeredness. Anytime you’re caught in a cycle of people-pleasing, you can remember what matters most and realign your focus.

    A Prayer to Remember Your True Desires:

    Heavenly Father, please help me stop chasing after superficial things. Remind me of what’s most important—loving You and others. Whenever I get caught in an unhealthy cycle of people-pleasing, redirect my thoughts back to Your will. I truly want to live to please You and serve others with the heart of Jesus. In His precious name, amen.

    Remember Your Focus

    “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

    People-pleasing is often rooted in insecurity, and there’s a reason the word insecurity starts with the letters “i-n.” When we go through life with an inward focus, we lose sight of our God-given purpose. It’s like holding a pair of binoculars the wrong way, which causes our view to be narrow and limited.

    In contrast, if we turn the lens upward, toward heavenly things, we see the world from a godly perspective. We yearn for the things of heaven instead of Earth’s fleeting achievements. Jesus taught His disciples to pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10) A kingdom perspective can work wonders in turning us away from people-pleasing and toward a life focused on pleasing God.

    A Prayer to Remember Your Focus:

    Lord, please turn my focus away from my insecurities, which so often lead to people-pleasing. Expand my view to see the wonderful future You have planned for all eternity. From a kingdom perspective, renew my purpose to serve others with the gifts and talents You’ve given me, storing up treasures in heaven. As Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” I offer this prayer to You today, in Jesus’ holy name.

    Get Rid of Doubt and Fear

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

    From my experience, doubt and fear are the biggest culprits when it comes to people-pleasing. We doubt we’re capable enough, which leads to fear of failure, which leads to striving for man’s approval. 

    Recognizing what drives our people-pleasing tendencies is an important step towards lasting change. Here are a few helpful questions to ask yourself:

    -Who am I afraid of disappointing right now? 

    -Am I doing this for recognition or because it’s the right thing to do?

    -Would I still perform this act of service even if no one noticed?

    -Am I doubtful people will accept me, or am I trusting my acceptance in Christ?

    Removing doubt and fear is a huge step in the right direction. With the fear of man gone, and God’s peace in its place, we are free to interact with our families, friends, and coworkers with calm assurance of our acceptance in Christ.

    A Prayer to Remove Doubt and Fear:

    Gracious God, please help me recognize when I’m people-pleasing through doubt and fear. In those moments, help me stop and take a deep breath, remembering the assurance I have in Christ. He is my portion and my prize. In Him, I can do what You’ve called me to do without worry or fear. Thank You, Lord, for removing my anxiety and replacing it with Your peace. In Jesus’ name, amen.

    Step into Christ-Confidence

    “For they loved human praise more than praise from God.” John 12:42-43

    There’s a big difference between self-confidence and Christ-confidence. The first includes continuously building ourselves up in order to feel worthy or successful. The second involves living from the victory Jesus achieved for us through His finished work on the cross.

    My friends, it’s by His strength that we are empowered to live and move and breathe. So why do we consistently do things in our own strength, depending on others for acceptance and approval?

    One definition of approval is the belief that someone is good or acceptable. The Christ-centered definition, however, is that we’re made good and acceptable through His righteousness. Wow. What a difference Christ-confidence can make!

    1 Thessalonians 2:4 says, “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.” This verse sums it up, doesn’t it? Our people-pleasing ways are brought into submission when we surrender our hearts to the King of Kings. He is our focus, our desire, and our devotion. All that we say and do is for Him and because of Him, and when we finally grasp this truth, people-pleasing will become a thing of the past.

    A Prayer for Surrender:

    Gracious Heavenly Father, I have spent far too many years seeking man’s approval, and I’m ready to step into a new way of doing things. I surrender myself to You now. Please turn my focus to heavenly things, reminding me this is not all there is. Please remove the doubt and fear that have held me hostage and replace them with Your peace. Help me step into Christ-confidence and the knowledge of who I am in Your Son. Let His finished work be my focus and the grace upon which I build my life. I pray these things in His precious and holy name, amen.

    More resources for your journey:

    Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You

    How to Break the Cycle of People-Pleasing

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion

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    Jennifer Steward

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  • The Role of Fathers in Christian Parenting

    The Role of Fathers in Christian Parenting

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    Despite life’s challenges and unknowns, I’m convinced that being a father is about being present, involved, and being the father God has called me to be.

    The role of fathers in Christian parenting is multifaceted and profound. It’s a calling that requires strength and tenderness, wisdom and humility, and above all, an unwavering commitment to following Christ’s example. 

    1. The Spiritual Leader Guiding with Grace and Wisdom

    When it comes to being a spiritual leader in the family, I’ll be the first to admit that it can feel like trying to navigate a ship through stormy waters—blindfolded. But here’s the thing: God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called. And boy, does He have a sense of humor about it!

    I remember the first time I attempted to lead a family devotional. I had it all planned out—we’d read a Bible passage, discuss its meaning, and end with a beautiful prayer. Reality? My toddler was more interested in eating the Bible than reading it.

    But you know what? We kept at it. Slowly but surely, those awkward family devotionals have become cherished moments of connection and growth. As fathers, we’re called to be the spiritual leaders of our households, guiding our families in the ways of the Lord. It’s a responsibility that can be overwhelming for us at times, but it’s also an incredible privilege.

    The Bible gives us clear direction on this. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” This verse reminds us that our role isn’t to be dictators but nurturers of our children’s faith. We’re called to create an environment where our kids can experience God’s love and grow their understanding of Him.

    Being a spiritual leader doesn’t mean we have all the answers. Some of the most powerful moments in my journey as a Christian father have been when I’ve admitted to my child that I don’t know everything, but I know the One who does. It’s about pointing our families towards Christ, even, and especially, when we feel inadequate.

    2. The Protector Shielding with Love and Discipline

    When I think about being a protector as a Christian father, I remember a time I tried to assemble a backyard playset for my kids. Armed with a set of instructions that might as well have been written in ancient Aramaic, surrounded by pieces of wood and hardware, I was determined to create a haven for my children to play. Six hours, three bandages, and one near-nervous breakdown later, I stood back to admire my handiwork—a structure that looked less like a playset and more like an abstract art installation.

    But you know what? My kids loved it. Not because it was perfect, but because they knew I had poured my heart and a good portion of my sanity into creating something to keep them safe and happy. And isn’t that what being a protector is all about?

    As Christian fathers, we’re called to protect our families not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. It’s a role that goes far beyond assembling playsets or checking for monsters under the bed (though those are important too!). We’re tasked with creating a safe environment where our children can grow, learn, and develop their faith.

    The Bible speaks to this role in beautiful ways. Psalm 127:3-5 reminds us that our children are precious gifts from God, and it’s our job to protect and guide them like a skilled archer aiming his arrows.

    But here’s the thing about being a protector—it’s not just about shielding our kids from harm. It’s about equipping them to face the world with confidence and faith. It’s about teaching them discernment, helping them understand right from wrong, and showing them how to stand firm in their beliefs even when the world pushes back.

    I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to protect my children is to let them face challenges, standing nearby ready to catch them if they fall, but allowing them the freedom to grow and learn. It’s a delicate balance, much like trying to walk across a room covered in Lego bricks—it requires careful navigation and a willingness to endure a little pain for the greater good.

    3. The Provider 

    When it comes to being a provider, as a Christian father, I’ve found that it’s like trying to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle—it requires balance, skill, and a healthy dose of faith. And just like that circus act, there’s always the risk of getting burned or falling flat on your face.

    As Christian fathers, we’re called to be providers, but this role encompasses so much more than just bringing home a paycheck. Yes, meeting our family’s material needs is important. But here’s the thing: providing isn’t just about money and material possessions. It includes nourishing our children’s souls, feeding their minds with wisdom, and cultivating an environment where they can grow in faith and character. It’s about providing them a living example of what it means to follow Christ.

    I’ve learned (often the hard way) that true provision is about balance. It’s about working hard to meet our family’s needs while also making time for the things that truly matter—family dinners, bedtime stories, impromptu dance parties in the living room, and heart-to-heart talks about life and faith.

    Sometimes, being a provider means making sacrifices. Maybe it’s turning down a promotion that would mean less time with family or choosing a simpler lifestyle so we can invest more in our children’s spiritual growth. These decisions aren’t always easy, but they’re part of the sacred duty we have as Christian fathers.

    4. The Teacher

    I once tried to explain the concept of the Trinity to my 5-year-old. I thought I had it all figured out—I’d use the classic analogy of water existing as liquid, ice, and steam. Clever, right? Well, for the next week, he told everyone that God was like a popsicle that could melt and turn into a cloud—not exactly orthodox theology, but points to creativity, right?

    This experience taught me an important lesson about being a teacher to my children: it’s not about having all the answers but encouraging an environment of curiosity, learning, and growth. As Christian fathers, we’re called to be the primary educators of our children, especially when it comes to matters of faith and character.

    Deuteronomy 6:6-7 instructs us, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” This passage reminds us that teaching our children about God should be an ongoing, everyday process, deeply incorporated into our daily lives.

    As fathers, we’re required to teach with our words and actions. Our kids are watching us, learning from how we handle stress, how we treat others, and how we prioritize our time. It’s a sobering thought. But it’s also an incredible opportunity to model what it means to live out our faith.

    5. The Nurturer

    Being a Christian father is not just about providing food, shelter, and discipline. It’s about creating an environment of love, understanding, and emotional intelligence. It’s about being the safe harbor our children can always return to, no matter how stormy life gets.

    The Bible gives us a beautiful picture of God’s nurturing love in Psalm 103:13: “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.” This reminds us that our role as nurturers is a reflection of God’s own heart towards His children. We’re called to show compassion, comfort, encouragement, and love unconditionally.

    But being a nurturer doesn’t always come naturally, especially for those who grew up in homes where emotions weren’t freely expressed. We must learn how to create an emotionally safe space for our children. This can be achieved by being okay with tears, not shying away from difficult conversations, and showing our kids that it’s alright to be vulnerable.

    As Christian fathers, we have the incredible opportunity to model emotional intelligence for our children. This means being in touch with our own emotions, expressing them in healthy ways, and teaching our kids to do the same. It’s about showing them that real strength isn’t about suppressing feelings but about understanding and managing them.

    Nurturing also involves celebrating our children’s unique qualities and helping them develop their God-given talents. It also requires seeing the potential in them, even when they can’t see it themselves.

    As we wrap up, we must remember that this journey of fatherhood is as much about our growth as it is about our children’s. Each bedtime story read and each heart-to-heart conversation shapes us into the men God has called us to be.

    The path of Christian fatherhood is not always easy, but it is infinitely rewarding. It’s a journey filled with laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, moments of great wisdom, and moments of utter cluelessness. But through it all, we have the help and guidance of our Lord Jesus and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/max-kegfire

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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  • How to Share a Deep Friendship with a Non-Believer

    How to Share a Deep Friendship with a Non-Believer

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    Friendships come in all forms from all different seasons of life. Your childhood friends, those you grew up with since elementary school, to those you played sports with during high school. Then comes college friends, roommates, friends of friends, not to mention friendships you may develop with co-workers or any other groups you belong with. If you are involved in your church, there are people within the church you become friends with and then you have all your spouse’s friends or friends with the parents your children play with. We will have friends there for our lifetime, and then some friends will only be there for a season. In any case, the question is when you are a believer, how do you share a deep friendship with a non-believer? 

    Jesus was our greatest example, and I’m so thankful we can look at his Word and his time on Earth for truth to help navigate life. When we think of Jesus’s life, we know that He was the Messiah who loved and healed everyone who encountered Him. He loved the masses of people and touched everyone who had the privilege to spend time with Him. He even loved the unbelieving, the sinners, and those cast out from society, like women or those with physical diseases. He embodied loving everyone – which included non-believers. 

    However, those He spent the most time with, day in and day for three years throughout His ministry, were His chosen twelve disciples. These were the people He had His deepest friendships with. They were all believers of Him and chose to leave their current lives and start living according to Jesus’ way as they walked with Him in His ministry. Even after Jesus died on the cross, the disciples continued believing and spreading the message of Jesus as the Messiah to the world. 

    Jesus loved all, but his closest friends were twelve believers. However, if you take it a step further, He then narrowed down his inner circle to three of the twelve disciples – Peter, James, and John. Many theologians believe that these were his closest and deepest friendships as they were the three who were with him the longest (Luke 5:4-11), and these three were present with Jesus during special events. They were eyewitnesses of Jesus’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-3). They witnessed Jesus raising Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8:49-56). And one of the most intimate settings for Jesus was when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His death on the cross, and it was these three men who accompanied Him in the garden while He prayed (Matthew 26:37). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments and His darkest trials. 

    So, what did Jesus do? He loved all and loved many, He spent His days with 12 other believers, and He had three close friends by His side in all the major moments—in which all of them were strong believers. 

    Jesus gives us an example of who to have deep friendships with. However, many of us have deep friendships with unbelievers right now, and in no way, am I saying you need to cut all your non-believing friends out of your life. Or maybe you are married to an unbeliever as perhaps you came to know the Lord after marriage. But looking at Jesus’ life as an example is something to consider as you seek out truth in the Bible and pray for how to navigate any relationships you are in with unbelievers.

    The Caution of Having Deep Friendships with Non-Believers

    The Bible is full of wisdom on befriending non-believers. Proverbs 12:26 says that “the righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” The more time you spend with someone, the more you can become like them. Having deep friendships with unbelievers, we could easily be setting ourselves up to talk like them, think like them, act like them, and fall into sin like them. Of course, as believers, we all fall short as well, and in no way should we judge others. But the more you share deep friendships with unbelievers, the more you can be influenced by them.

    Ask yourself if those you have deep friendships with are leading you astray – in other words, are they pointing you away from the Lord or pointing you towards Him? Do you gossip with them, slander others with them, or go to them for advice when you’re going through something difficult? Is their advice biblical or worldly? Are they a hindrance to your walk with God?

    Romans 12:2a says, “Do not be conformed to this world…” Take some time to think about questions like these as this is something to consider as a caution when having deep friendships with non-believers. Take inventory of your closest friendships and how they may be affecting your walk with the Lord. Many of us have deep friendships with non-believers, and that is okay, but we may need to adjust some things and make sure we are not being influenced or swayed away from the deepest and most important relationship we will ever have—and that’s with the Lord. If you have some deep friendships with non-believers, here are three biblical ways to do that:

    3 Ways to Share a Deep Friendship with Non-Believers

    1. You need to love them.

    When the scribes asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…and the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

    To share a deep relationship with anyone in our life, but especially a non-believer, we are to love them. We are to love non-believers just as Jesus loved others, and in doing so, we show them Christ’s love versus the love they are receiving from the world. Loving them means accepting them as they are, not judging them, being patient with them for they do not always know the ways of God as non-believers, being kind to them, forgiving them just as Jesus forgives us, walking alongside them, suffering with them (which could mean praying for them and encouraging them), showing compassion on them, and being the kind of love they have never experienced before. By loving them the way Jesus loves, we can be an example for them and show them Christ-like love. 

    2. You need to be set apart. 

    To be in a deep relationship with a non-believer, it’s important we still live out our faith and be that example to them. We don’t need to dim our light and our relationship with God just because they don’t have the same relationship with God. 

    Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A City that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”

    A beautiful thing about having a deep friendship with a non-believer is that you can shed light on the truth of God in their lives. You can do this by the way you live your life and by living out God’s truth. It’s hard to be bold and easy to be afraid at times of what others think. However, our purpose and what is referred to as the Great Commission is to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19-20).

    It’s hard to be set apart and not conform to this world, but it’s what Jesus asked of us, and we can have deep friendships with non-believers by just being ourselves, living out our faith, and being a light to them in a dark world. Be set apart just as Jesus was. 

    3. You need to pray for them.

    To have a deep relationship with a non-believer, make prayer a priority. We need to make sure we are praying that we aren’t influenced or swayed by them in any way. Also, it’s important we pray for when we interact with them, asking the Holy Spirit to speak to us and prompt us when to speak up and when not to speak up. And then we should pray for them always as we are encouraged in I Thessalonians 5:17, especially praying for their salvation and asking the Lord to use us as a light and testimony in their lives. 

    There is no greater weapon that we have on this side of Earth than prayer. Imagine seeing their life transformed for the Lord. Imagine how much deeper your friendship would be if you had the Lord as the center of your friendship.

    Praying for them has the power to potentially change their life and lead them to Jesus, and it allows us to lift up their needs on their behalf. One of the greatest roles we will ever have in a friendship with a non-believer is the role we have on our knees in prayer.

    Having a relationship with a non-believer can be challenging, and we need to be careful that we are guarding ourselves against being led astray. But if we do have deep relationships with non-believers, we can do so by showing them Jesus. We can love them in a way that Christ loves and not the way the world loves. We can be set apart in our actions and conversations with them by not participating in the ways or views of the world. And we can pray for them in the hope of being a part of their coming to know the Lord and being that instrument in partnering with the Lord, bringing them into His Kingdom. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Finn Hafemann

    Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.

    You can follow her blog by visiting her website or connect with her on facebook + instagram.

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    Alisha Headley

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  • 7 Bad Habits that Can Destroy Your Marriage

    7 Bad Habits that Can Destroy Your Marriage

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    When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:

    The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.

    Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?

    2. Fighting Dirty

    All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.

    Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.

    3. Bringing Up the Past

    When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.

    If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.

    4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family

    There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.

    There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.

    5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect

    When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

    As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.

    As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.

    6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship

    In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.

    Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.

    7. Shutting Down Communication

    One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.

     The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.

    This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.

    Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.

    Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 5 Steps to End an Ugly Fight

    5 Steps to End an Ugly Fight

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    When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over? 

    Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling. 

    “It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.” 

    “Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.  

    The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future. 

    “I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.” 

    “Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.” 

    Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption. 

    “What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.” 

    Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.

    First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle. 

    Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem. 

    Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street. 

    Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).

    Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.

    Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate. 

    Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you. 

    I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage. 

    Publication date: February 22, 2016

    Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/gorodenkoff

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    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • What Happened to Our Families?

    What Happened to Our Families?

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    A mother blurted out this question: “How much do you think should I get paid as a caregiver for my son?” Confused, the person she was talking to asked for clarification, and this was her response: “Well, my adult son still lives with me and does not really have a good paycheck. I am saddled with bills and need more money to help pay for them.” 

    Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Two words stand out to describe the value of children: heritage and reward. First, the word heritage denotes an inheritance or a portion of value. Second, the word reward means something given in recognition of a service or an achievement. And the giver of this heritage and reward, our children, is the Lord—a blessing indeed!

    The Israelites experienced a baby boom—God’s inheritance and reward to His people—so much that they became a threat to the Egyptians. And no matter how badly the Egyptians treated the Israelites, God divinely increased them. And to put a stop to this population explosion and bring their numbers down, Pharaoh ordered the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, to kill any male child born by throwing them into the Nile. But the midwives disobeyed Pharaoh for they were God-fearing women—and God dealt well with them by rewarding them with their own families. “And the people multiplied and grew very strong” (Read Exodus 1). By the time they left Egypt for the great exodus, there were “six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (12:37). 

    The Blessing of a Family

    Deuteronomy 28 opens with the blessings that the Lord provides. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the verses included the gift of children to the Israelites. Moses said, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth…Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb…And the LORD shall make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb…” (vv.1, 4a, 11ab). 

    Going back to the very beginning, the creation, God gave the first multiplication assignment to Adam and Eve. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28). We read it next after God destroyed the Earth, when He commanded Noah and his sons to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). To Abraham, God promised, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations…I will make you exceedingly fruitful…” (Genesis 17:4,6). 

    Perhaps one of the most prolific fathers was Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, with his 12 sons—shepherds by profession. Out of Jacob came the 12 tribes, God’s chosen people, the fulfilment of God’s promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They tasted and saw God’s goodness as He led them to the promised land, Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey and fruits—grapes, pomegranates, and figs. 

    Fashioned after His image, God’s people became producers of humankind—the blessing! 

    Family Is the Most Important Community

    In biblical times—and way beyond those times—it was customary to keep living with your family as a community. It made sense when Moses was teaching the Israelites how to love God with all of their heart, soul, and might, and how important it was for the parents to teach this to their children. He said, “[You] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7). They were together 24/7.

    As children turned to adults, they owned their own habitations but lived in very close proximity. They had fellowship and shared meals. This was proven by Esau asking his brother Jacob to serve him his red lentil stew (Genesis 25:30). And when Isaac was weak and dying, Isaac requested his son Esau to prepare the delicious food that he loved—and Esau didn’t hesitate to go out to the field and hunt game to prepare it (Genesis 27:3-4). 

    When three of his oldest brothers followed Saul to fight the Philistines, David was ordered by his father Jesse to run an important errand for him. “Take to your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and carry them quickly to the camp for your brothers” (1 Samuel 17:17).

    It wasn’t hard for the fathers to turn over the reins to their sons. They didn’t have to force them to learn their trades. It was expected that they would take over and handle the business and family affairs. They grew up in it, with hands-on experience. Brothers Simon and Andrew and brothers James and John were all fishermen like their fathers until Jesus called them (Matthew 4:18-22). 

    Siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary got along well, sharing not just the same home but close friendships with Jesus and His followers, often extending hospitality to them (Luke 10:38-42).

    Where Are We as a Family Today?

    Obviously, there is value to a child, or the mother would not have asked how much money she could get for continuing to care for her adult son. However, her words revealed much about her worldly thoughts and feelings: she didn’t see a way out of her parenting responsibility, and it was causing her financial hardship.

    We like to blame the economy, inflation—the list goes on—that the seemingly best-laid plan is to have maybe just one or two children, or none, because of the nightmare of rising costs. Most parents want to plan the length of their stay in the workplace, build that nest egg for retirement, and relax. Modern values have pulled us into thinking that children are more of an inconvenience, especially when they reach 18 and still don’t make plans to move out and venture on their own. This delicate situation of wanting to stay longer at home can be easily solved by finding jobs and paying rent, being more like a roommate rather than family—or the ultimatum of kicking them out.  They can’t seem to wait for the day to come when they will be empty nesters, that it’s best to put a deadline on how long their children should live at home.

    How did we end up with this bizarre mindset that we see children more as liabilities—the money drainers—instead of assets—the gift from the Lord, our inheritance and reward? We see how most of them are unprepared to face the challenges of the world, uncertain of what they want to do with their lives, and still stuck in their self-discovery phase. No wonder they can’t and don’t want to leave the security of their rooms! We, parents, should admit that we just don’t want to deal with handling their needs at a certain point as they mean the interruption of our own. And we wonder why we have so many prodigal and failing adult children!

    Are we ever going to be ready to embrace how incredible our children can be and how they are God’s heritage and reward to us? The more we admit what a blessing they are to us, the more they will become one. And the more we diligently teach them about God’s Word, the wiser they will become. Then we can be certain that they are able to continue the cycle of blessing, producing generations of children who are obedient to God’s commandments, prosperous, and living a fulfilled life.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/aldomurillo

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

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  • The Power of Honest Conversations

    The Power of Honest Conversations

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    Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world of surface-level small talk and polite nods, yearning for something more substantial? Well, my fellow believers, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to dive deeper into the refreshing waters of honest conversations. As Christians, we’re called to a life of authenticity and genuine connection, not just with God but with each other. But let’s face it, opening up can be scarier than facing Goliath with nothing but a slingshot and a prayer!

    I remember the first time I opened up to my small group at church about a problem I had. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I was sure I’d rather be swallowed by a whale like Jonah than share my struggles. But you know what? Once I took that leap of faith, it was like a dam broke. The flood of empathy, understanding, and support was overwhelming in the best possible way.

    That’s the power of honest conversations, folks. They can break down walls, build bridges, and create bonds stronger than whatever glue Noah used to keep that ark together. (Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea!)

    Breaking the Ice: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability

    Let’s be real: being vulnerable is about as comfortable as wearing a hairshirt in the middle of summer. It’s itchy and uncomfortable, and you’d rather be anywhere else. But here’s the thing: vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections.

    The Bible is full of examples of vulnerability. Look at David—this guy poured his heart out in the Psalms, sharing everything from his highest praises to his deepest despair. In Psalm 38:9, he writes, “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hidden from thee.” Talk about laying it all out there!

    So how do we overcome this fear of vulnerability? First, remember that everyone—yes, even that person who seems to have it all together—has struggles. Second, start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secret. Maybe begin by admitting you’re having a tough week or struggling to understand a Bible passage.

    And here’s a little trick I’ve learned: sometimes, being the first to open up can create a domino effect of honesty. It’s like you’re permitting others to be real too. So go ahead and be the brave one. Take that first step. Who knows? You might start a revolution of realness in your church community!

    Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s courage in action. It’s saying, “Here I am, imperfect and struggling, but willing to connect.” And that, my friends, is where the magic happens.

    Creating Safe Spaces: Fostering an Environment of Trust

    Imagine you’re at a church potluck and someone brings a mysterious casserole. You’re unsure what’s in it but know you’re expected to try it. That’s what it feels like to open up in a group that doesn’t feel safe. You’re hesitant, unsure, and a little scared of what might happen if you take a bite.

    Creating a safe space for honest conversations is like setting the table for a feast of authenticity. It’s about cultivating an environment where people feel as comfortable sharing their hearts as they do sharing that questionable casserole. (Though maybe with less indigestion afterward!)

    In the Bible, we see Jesus creating safe spaces all the time. Remember the woman at the well in John 4? Jesus met her where she was, engaged in honest dialogue, and created a space where she felt safe enough to share her story. That’s our model, folks!

    So how do we create these safe spaces in our Christian communities? First, it starts with us. We need to be the kind of listeners who respond with grace, not judgment. James 1:19 puts it beautifully: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

    Second, we need to establish ground rules for our conversations. Confidentiality is key; what’s shared stays in the group. Unless, of course, someone confesses to hiding the pastor’s car keys as a prank. (Then all bets are off!)

    Third, we need to lead by example. Share your struggles and imperfections. When leaders are willing to be vulnerable, it sets the tone for everyone else. It’s like spiritual skydiving: when the leader jumps first, others feel safer to follow.

    Creating safe spaces isn’t always easy. It requires intentionality, patience, and a whole lot of grace. But when we get it right, it’s like we’re creating little pockets of heaven right here on Earth—places where people can come as they are, brokenness and all, and find acceptance, love, and healing.

    So, let’s commit to being safe space creators. Who knows? The next time someone brings that mysterious casserole to the potluck, they might feel comfortable enough to admit it’s their first time cooking!

    The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond the Words

    You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell your spouse something important and they’re nodding along while scrolling through their phone? Yeah, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of communication. Well, it’s time we talk about the lost art of truly listening—and I mean listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.

    In our fast-paced, tweet-sized world, we’ve become masters of the quick response, the witty comeback, and the surface-level chat. But, when it comes to honest conversations, we need to channel our inner Sherlock Holmes. We need to listen not just to the words being said but also to the emotions behind them—the unspoken fears, the hidden hopes.

    The Bible has a lot to say about listening. Proverbs 18:13 warns us, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” In other words, zip it and listen up before you start dishing out advice!

    So how do we become better listeners? First, put away distractions. That means your phone, your to-do list, and yes, even that nagging thought about what you’re going to make for dinner. Give the person your full attention. It’s amazing how valued someone feels when you look them in the eye and focus on what they’re saying.

    Second, practice active listening. This means asking clarifying questions, reflecting on what you’ve heard, and checking your understanding. It’s like playing verbal ping-pong but with empathy instead of paddles.

    Third, listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What’s the deeper need behind their words? Jesus was a master at this. He didn’t only hear the words people said; he understood their hearts.

    Becoming a good listener takes practice. It might initially feel awkward like you’re wearing someone else’s shoes. But stick with it. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might discover that by becoming a better listener, you become a better friend, spouse, parent, and follower of Christ.

    So the next time someone starts sharing with you, resist the urge to formulate your response while they’re still talking. Instead, lean in, open your heart, and listen. You might be surprised at what you hear when you listen not just with your ears but with your soul.

    From Words to Action: Living Out Our Honest Conversations

    Honest conversations aren’t just about clearing the air or having a good cry together (although those things can be pretty cathartic). They’re about spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to do. They’re about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus for each other and the world around us.

    James 2:17 reminds us that “Faith without works is dead.” The same is true for our conversations. If we bare our souls to each other but don’t follow through with support, encouragement, and practical help, we’re missing the point.

    So how do we have honest conversations? First, we need to be willing to get our hands dirty. If someone shares a struggle, don’t just say, “I’ll pray for you” (although prayer is important!). Ask them, “How can I help?” Maybe it’s providing a meal, childcare, or just checking in regularly.

    Second, we need to hold each other accountable—with love and grace, of course. If someone shares a goal or a commitment to change, offer to be their accountability partner. It’s like having a spiritual workout buddy—you’re there to encourage, support, and occasionally give a loving kick in the pants when needed.

    Third, we need to celebrate victories together, no matter how small. Did someone resist temptation? Awesome! Did they finally forgive that person they’ve been holding a grudge against? Break out the sparkling grape juice! (We are in church, after all.)

    I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this can be. In our young couples’ group, one pair shared about their financial struggles. Instead of just sympathizing, the group organized a budgeting workshop, shared money-saving tips, and even helped them find side gigs to increase their income. A year later, that couple was debt-free and teaching others about financial stewardship.

    Living out our honest conversations isn’t always easy. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. But when we do, we create a community that doesn’t just talk about love; it shows it in tangible, life-changing ways.

    So let’s not just be hearers of each other’s words but doers. Let’s create a ripple effect from the action that starts in our church and spreads into our communities. After all, isn’t that what being the Body of Christ is all about?

    Remember, authenticity is the heartbeat of a true Christian community. It’s in our vulnerability that we find strength, in our listening that we show love, and in our actions that we demonstrate faith. So let’s commit to deeper connections, starting today. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/MangoStar_Studio

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • Building a Family on the Foundation of God

    Building a Family on the Foundation of God

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    When I was a child, my family was not built upon God but upon the world. As nice as it would’ve been to grow up with a deep knowledge of God and what He says about me, it simply didn’t happen this way. Sadly, many people across the world have the same childhood.

    This can impact us in many ways, such as struggling to know our worth and never hearing the gospel in an understandable way. It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally heard the gospel and accepted Jesus as my Savior. Without going to the Bible college I went to, I might have never placed faith in Jesus. I certainly wasn’t going to learn about Jesus at home, which scares me to think about.

    I think of all the people who never had the chance to go to a Bible college or hear the gospel elsewhere. This is a sad reality and one we as believers must take to heart. We need to do all we can to help others hear the gospel in a meaningful and relatable way. For parents, this can start at home and is found in building a family on the foundation of God.

    Teaching Your Children About God

    If we are going to build our family on God, we have to teach our children about Him. As I mentioned above, I had little to no knowledge about the Bible or God. This negatively impacted my life in many ways. I am more than thankful that I know Him now; however, I wish I had known Him sooner. If my family had been built upon God, it would have saved me much pain and hurt as I developed into an adult and determined where my true identity was rooted. 

    This is why it is vital to build our own families on God. Through teaching your children about God, it will lay a foundation for their future. Even if your children are younger, they can listen to teachings about God. Start with shorter Bible stories and grow into larger ones as they get older. If your children are already older, you can help them get more involved with personal Bible time and share the gospel with them through age-appropriate conversation.

    It is important to share the gospel with your children, especially when they are old enough to understand the severity of sin, how they are a sinner in need of a Savior, and the saving grace of Jesus. Children who are below a certain age have no possible way of understanding the gospel, but it’s never too early for them to learn. Just as we place importance on introducing them to their shapes, colors, and ABCs, it’s all the more important that we introduce them to child-appropriate songs, picture books, and arts and crafts that share the truth of Christ’s sacrifice. 

    We should encourage our children to learn more about Jesus, but it’s vital to understand that we don’t need to force them to place faith in Him. This defeats the purpose of them coming to know Him freely. Instead of pushing them into a declaration of faith, we need to be more patient and allow them to make the decision themselves. Just because our children have not placed faith in Jesus by the age of ten doesn’t mean they will never place faith in Him. Let the Holy Spirit work in your child at His pace. After all, He knows what’s best for your child, even more than you do!

    Remember, we are looking for a genuine conversion—not a forced or coerced conversion. Anything forced isn’t genuine and of the heart and will wither and fade from their lives. Give your child room and space to make their own personal decision. Simply teach them about the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as well as the Bible. This will lay a solid foundation for their knowledge of God and help them truly understand the gospel. 

    Implementing the Teachings of the Bible in Your Life

    Building a family on God cannot be done apart from modeling biblical teachings in our lives. We need to model love, kindness, and forgiveness in our daily actions (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of embittering our children, we need to build them up (Colossians 3:21). In everything we do, we need to extend Jesus’ love in our actions and words. This will help our children see a biblical approach to life and how content and hopeful the family is because we follow God. 

    As Christians, a natural outpouring of our faith should be seen in the way we treat others, and this includes our families. Instead of being hateful, hurtful, or harmful to our children or spouse, we are loving, caring, and compassionate. Children can pick up on when we are not caring or interested in them. Try avoiding this mistake as it will cause your children to lose heart. If Mom and Dad don’t care about them, they will believe God doesn’t care either.

    This is why we need to implement the Bible in our lives. If the Bible says to be kind, caring, loving, forgiving, and compassionate, then this is what we must do. Parenting comes with its own challenges, yet we should never take our frustrations out on our children. Of course, no parent is perfect, but we should be a true example of saying sorry, asking for forgiveness, and repenting of our mistakes. 

    Sharing the Importance of Following God

    Once our children see how important God and the Bible are in our own lives, they will recognize the importance of following God. If your children have placed faith in Jesus, they will want to start following Him in a more intentional way just like Mom and Dad do. However, if your child has not placed faith in Jesus, you can still share the importance of following Him through your conversations and actions.

    These attributes naturally cause your children to become more interested in the Lord. Instead of viewing Him as a “made-up” person or a “character,” they will start to see Him for who He is: the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for our sins (John 3:16-17). As you show your children mercy and grace, they will begin to see God as merciful and gracious. As you show faith, they will understand the beauty of believing in what they can’t see. With time, your children will want to learn more about following God and obeying Him in their own lives. By seeing how joy-filled Mom and Dad are by following God, they will also be excited to start following Him.

    Building your family on God will take time and be sprinkled with trial and error, but your persistence in faith will come to fruition. A family built upon God is a powerful, enemy-scaring family, who delights in God’s law and love. It gives God great joy to know that His children are walking in truth, loving their children, and teaching them about Him. Your efforts and dedication to the Lord never go unnoticed.

    Keep following God in your personal life and seek to build your family upon Him in everything you do. If building your family on God is a struggle right now, turn to God in prayer and ask for His help. Ask God to help your family be built upon Him and His Word. Acknowledge your dependence on Him and petition for Him to give you divine guidance into what you should do. He will give you instruction, wisdom, and comfort as you build your family on Him. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Geber86

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Extending Grace to the Unlovable Ones

    Extending Grace to the Unlovable Ones

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    Imagine you’re at a family gathering and there’s that one relative who always seems to push your buttons. They’re negative and judgmental and seem to thrive on creating drama. As you feel your blood pressure rise, you can’t help but wonder—how on earth are you supposed to love someone like that?

    We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We are faced with people who test our patience, challenge our kindness, and make us question our capacity for love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, even those who seem unlovable. But let’s be honest—it’s not always easy.

    Understanding God’s Unconditional Love

    When we talk about loving the unlovable, we’re talking about mirroring God’s love for us. It’s a love that’s unconditional, unwavering, and often incomprehensible to our human minds. Think about it: God loves us not because we’re perfect, not because we’ve earned it, but simply because He chooses to.

    The Apostle Paul puts it beautifully in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Let that sink in for a moment. God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior or worthiness. It’s a love that reaches us even when we’re at our worst.

    This divine love sets the standard for how we’re called to love others. It’s a high bar. But here’s the thing: we’re not expected to manufacture this love. Instead, we’re invited to tap into the endless well of God’s love, allowing it to flow through us to others.

    Consider the most difficult person in your life right now. How might your perspective shift if you viewed them through the lens of God’s unconditional love? What if you saw them not as an annoyance or a burden but as someone deeply loved by their Creator?

    It’s a paradigm shift that doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality, practice, and a whole lot of grace – both for others and ourselves. But as we grow in our understanding of God’s love for us, we become better equipped to extend that love to others, even when it’s challenging.

    The Mirror Effect: Recognizing Our Flaws

    Here’s a truth that might sting a little: often, the traits that irritate us most in others are the very ones we struggle with ourselves. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing our flaws reflected in us. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s also an opportunity for profound growth and self-reflection.

    Jesus addresses this concept in Matthew 7:3-5, saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

    This passage isn’t about shaming us. Instead, it’s an invitation to honest self-examination. When irritated by someone’s behavior, it can be enlightening to ask ourselves, “Have I ever acted similarly? Do I sometimes display this trait that I find annoying in others?”

    For example, maybe you have a coworker who constantly complains about everything. It drives you up the wall. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize you’ve been pretty negative lately too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the seed of that behavior is there.

    Recognizing our flaws doesn’t excuse bad behavior in others. But it does foster empathy and compassion. It reminds us that we’re all works in progress and all in need of grace. And when we extend grace to others, we create space for our growth and healing.

    So the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone’s behavior, try turning that frustration into a mirror. What might it be revealing about your own heart? How can you use this insight to grow in empathy and self-awareness?

    The Power of Empathy: Walking in Their Shoes

    Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and try to understand their perspective, even when we don’t feel like it. And let me tell you, it can be transformative.

    Think about Jesus for a moment. He was the embodiment of empathy. He didn’t just preach from a distance; he got down in the trenches with people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, touched lepers, and spoke compassionately to those society had rejected. He understood people’s pain, their struggles, and their hopes.

    In Hebrews 4:15, we’re reminded that Jesus can “empathize with our weaknesses” because He has faced the same temptations. That’s powerful stuff. It means that when we’re struggling, we have a Savior who gets and understands it too.

    So how do we cultivate this kind of empathy for the difficult people in our lives? It starts with curiosity. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone’s behavior, we can ask ourselves: “What might be going on beneath the surface? What experiences or pain might be driving this person’s actions?”

    Maybe that grumpy neighbor has been battling a chronic illness. Perhaps that critical family member grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. The rude customer service rep might be dealing with a personal crisis we know nothing about.

    This doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding the potential ‘why’ behind someone’s actions can soften our hearts and help us respond with grace rather than frustration.

    Practicing empathy also involves active listening. It means setting aside our agenda and hearing what the other person is saying—and what they’re not saying. It means being present, showing genuine interest, and responding with compassion.

    Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing people or their problems. It’s about creating a safe space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And often, that’s exactly what the ‘difficult’ people in our lives need most.

    The Art of Boundaries: Loving Without Enabling

    Now, here’s where things get a bit tricky. Loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or enabling harmful behavior. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries.

    Jesus, our ultimate example of love, wasn’t afraid to set boundaries. He often withdrew from crowds to pray and rest (Luke 5:16). He confronted the Pharisees when their actions were harmful (Matthew 23). He even told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when their message wasn’t received (Matthew 10:14).

    Boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They’re more like fences with gates—they protect what’s important while allowing for connection. They define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. And when implemented with love and respect, they can strengthen our ability to love difficult people.

    So what might this look like in practice? It could mean limiting the time you spend with a toxic relative. It might involve communicating your expectations to a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. Or it could mean removing yourself from a situation where someone is being verbally abusive.

    The key is to set boundaries with love, not anger or resentment. It’s about saying, “I care about you, AND I also need to take care of myself.” It’s about valuing the relationship while also valuing your well-being.

    Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, it’s not unloving to have limits. Healthy boundaries can create the safe space needed for real love and growth to flourish.

    And here’s a beautiful thing: as we learn to set healthy boundaries, we often find that our capacity to love difficult people increases. We’re no longer drained by toxic interactions, so we have more energy to extend grace and compassion.

    Cultivating Love Through Spiritual Disciplines

    Loving the unlovable isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a journey of growth. And like any journey, it requires preparation, practice, and perseverance. This is where spiritual disciplines come into play. These practices help us cultivate a heart open to loving difficult people.

    Prayer is a powerful tool in this journey. It’s not just about asking God to change the difficult person (although that’s okay too!). It’s about asking God to change our hearts. To help us see others as He sees them. To fill us with His love so we can pour it out to others.

    In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us a challenging command: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for difficult people can be transformative. It’s hard to hold onto resentment when you’re consistently lifting someone up in prayer.

    Another helpful practice is meditation on Scripture. Dwelling on passages about God’s love and forgiveness can reshape our thinking and soften our hearts. Verses like Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” – can become powerful mantras in our interactions with difficult people.

    Fasting can also play a role in this journey. When we fast, we’re reminded of our dependence on God and our limitations. This humility can make us more open to extending grace to others.

    Practicing gratitude is another powerful discipline. When we focus on the blessings in our lives, including the growth opportunities that difficult relationships provide, our perspective shifts. We become more aware of God’s grace in our own lives, making it easier to extend that grace to others.

    Remember, these spiritual disciplines aren’t about earning God’s love or becoming “good enough” to love difficult people. They’re about positioning ourselves to receive and reflect God’s love more fully.

    As we engage in these practices, we’ll likely find that loving the unlovable becomes less of a struggle and more of a natural outflow of our relationship with God. It’s a gradual process with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But each step forward is a victory worth celebrating.

    I love the unlovable, challenging path, no doubt about it. It’s a challenge that goes against our instincts. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and a whole lot of grace—both for others and for ourselves.

    But here’s the beautiful thing: as we step out in faith to love those who are hard to love, we open ourselves up to profound transformation. We begin to see others—and ourselves—through God’s eyes. We grow in empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity. We become living testimonies to the power of God’s love.

    And who knows? Our act of extending grace might be the very thing that sparks change in a difficult person. Romans 12:20 reminds us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This isn’t about revenge but about the transformative power of unexpected kindness.

    So, the next time you’re faced with that button-pushing relative, that irritating coworker, or that challenging neighbor, remember—this is your opportunity to reflect God’s love deeply. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because in the end, love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).

    Let’s commit to being people who love extravagantly, who extend grace generously, and who see the image of God even in the most difficult individuals. In doing so, we not only change our relationships—we change the world, one act of love at a time.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/imtmphoto

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • How to Build and Maintain a Friendship

    How to Build and Maintain a Friendship

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    Friendship is a cherished gift from God, providing companionship, support, and a sense of belonging. As Christians, it is essential to cultivate friendships that are rooted in our faith and centered on God’s love. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships can enrich our spiritual journey and strengthen our walk with Christ. In this article, we will explore the importance of Christian friendship, the qualities that define a God-centered relationship, and practical steps to nurture and sustain these valuable connections. 

    Christian friendship plays a vital role in our lives, offering emotional support, accountability, and spiritual growth. The Bible highlights the significance of friendship in numerous passages, underscoring the value of having trusted companions who share our faith and values. Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This verse emphasizes the mutual encouragement and growth that come from God-centered friendships. 

    Emotional Support and Encouragement 

    Life’s journey is filled with challenges, and having a Christian friend to lean on can provide immense comfort. In times of sorrow, joy, doubt, and triumph, a true friend offers a listening ear and a compassionate heart. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) reminds us, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Christian friends uplift each other, providing strength and encouragement to face life’s trials with faith. 

    Accountability and Spiritual Growth 

    Christian friendship also serves as a source of accountability. Proverbs 27:6 (NIV) says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” True friends speak the truth in love, gently correcting and guiding us when we stray from God’s path. This accountability helps us grow spiritually, keeping us grounded in our faith and encouraging us to pursue a deeper relationship with God.

    Qualities of a God-Centered Friendship

    God-centered friendships are characterized by specific qualities that reflect Christ’s love and teachings. Understanding these qualities can help us build and maintain relationships that honor God and strengthen our faith. 

    Mutual Love and Respect 

    At the heart of a God-centered friendship is mutual love and respect. Jesus taught us to love one another as He has loved us (John 13:34-35, NIV). This love is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. It involves putting the needs of our friends above our own and treating them with kindness, respect, and compassion. In a God-centered friendship, both parties value and honor each other, fostering an environment of trust and support. 

    Shared Faith and Values 

    A strong foundation for Christian friendship is shared faith and values. Amos 3:3 (NIV) asks, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” When friends share a common faith in Christ and similar values, they can encourage and support each other in their spiritual journey. This shared foundation provides a sense of unity and purpose, enabling friends to grow together in their relationship with God. 

    Encouragement and Accountability 

    God-centered friendships are marked by encouragement and accountability. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV) urges us, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Friends who encourage and hold each other accountable help each other stay committed to their faith and live out their Christian values. 

    Building God-Centered Friendships 

    Building God-centered friendships requires intentional effort and a commitment to fostering relationships that honor God. 

    Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate meaningful and lasting Christian friendships:

    Seek Like-Minded Believers

    To build God-centered friendships, it is essential to seek out like-minded believers who share your faith and values. Get involved in your church community, join small groups or Bible studies, and participate in Christian events and activities. These settings provide opportunities to meet and connect with fellow believers who are also seeking to build God-centered relationships. 

    Prioritize Quality Time

    Building strong friendships requires spending quality time together. Make an effort to prioritize time with your friends, engaging in activities that foster connection and growth. Whether it’s attending church services together, having meaningful conversations over coffee, or participating in service projects, investing time in your friendships strengthens the bond and deepens your relationship. 

    Be Vulnerable and Authentic 

    Authenticity is crucial in God-centered friendships. Be willing to share your struggles, doubts, and joys with your friends, allowing them to see the real you. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy, creating a safe space for mutual support and encouragement. James 5:16 (NIV) encourages us to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Being open and honest with your friends allows for deeper connections and spiritual growth. 

    Pray Together 

    Prayer is a powerful tool in building and maintaining God-centered friendships. Praying together strengthens your bond and invites God’s presence into your relationship. Matthew 18:20 (NIV) says, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Make it a habit to pray with and for your friends, lifting each other up in prayer and seeking God’s guidance and blessings for your lives. 

    Serve Together

    Serving others together is an excellent way to strengthen your God-centered friendships. Participate in volunteer activities, mission trips, or community service projects as a team. Serving others not only deepens your bond but also aligns your friendship with Christ’s example of selfless love and service. Galatians 5:13 (NIV) reminds us, “Serve one another humbly in love.” 

    Maintaining God-Centered Friendships 

    Maintaining God-centered friendships requires ongoing effort and intentionality. 

    Here are some practical tips to help you sustain and nurture these valuable relationships:

    Communicate Regularly

    Consistent communication is vital in maintaining strong friendships. Stay in touch with your friends through regular phone calls, texts, or meet-ups. Share updates about your life, discuss your spiritual journey, and offer encouragement and support. Regular communication helps you stay connected and reinforces the bond you share. 

    Practice Forgiveness and Grace

    No friendship is without its challenges. Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable, but practicing forgiveness and grace is essential in maintaining God-centered relationships. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) instructs us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Extend grace to your friends, be quick to forgive, and seek reconciliation when conflicts arise. 

    Celebrate Milestones and Achievements 

    Celebrate the milestones and achievements of your friends, both big and small. Acknowledge their successes, offer words of encouragement, and share in their joy. Romans 12:15 (NIV) encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Celebrating each other’s accomplishments strengthens your bond and demonstrates your genuine care and support. 

    Encourage Spiritual Growth 

    Encouraging each other’s spiritual growth is a fundamental aspect of maintaining God-centered friendships. Share insights from your Bible study, discuss sermons, and engage in conversations about faith. Challenge each other to grow in your relationship with God and hold each other accountable in your spiritual walk. Colossians 3:16 (NIV) advises, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.” 

    Be Present in Times of Need

    Life’s difficulties are inevitable, and being present for your friends during challenging times is crucial. Offer a listening ear, provide practical help, and pray for them. Galatians 6:2 (NIV) encourages us to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Your presence and support can provide immense comfort and strength to your friends during difficult seasons.  

    Christian friendship is a precious gift that enriches our lives and strengthens our faith. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships requires intentional effort, mutual love and respect, and a shared commitment to grow in Christ. By seeking like-minded believers, prioritizing quality time, being vulnerable and authentic, praying together, and serving together, we can cultivate meaningful and lasting friendships that honor God. As we maintain these relationships through regular communication, forgiveness, celebration, encouragement, and support, we can experience the profound blessings of God-centered friendships and continue to grow in our walk with Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Seventy Four

    J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.

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  • Called to Gather

    Called to Gather

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    I’ll never forget more than twenty years ago when I went to a women’s conference with thousands of ladies. I had no idea what God had in store for me at that gathering of women from all over the world. I thought it was just a conference. I had no idea my life would be changed. I think heaven smiles when we gather together. It was at this conference that God spoke to my heart about leaving the broadcast news industry that I loved, asking me to join my husband in ministry. The sermon wasn’t on a related topic, and if I’m honest, I don’t even remember the theme of the conference. But I do remember what God spoke to my heart in that crowd of women.

    As soon as I got home, I shared with my husband what God had spoken to me, and he was shocked. He had always celebrated my dreams and encouraged me to pursue them. But as I look back almost two decades later, it was one of the best decisions of my entire life. We’re leading a growing, beautiful, diverse, global, life-giving church together. And every gift and skill I have, I learned from taking steps in that direction.

    We’re not just called to gather on a large scale like a conference. We’re also called to gather in our daily lives.

    I have three amazing children, and there are eleven years between the youngest and oldest. I had an elementary school kid, a middle schooler, and a high schooler all at one time. Because of their age range, I’ve had the opportunity to come alongside so many moms to be a mentor and big sister. No matter the season you’re in, gathering with other women on similar journeys, women who have gone before you, or even women who are younger than you is a game changer. It keeps the fire burning in you, prevents you from being isolated, and helps you maintain perspective no matter how challenging the season is. In gathering, we get to find out what is considered a normal experience and ask for advice about specific situations. In gathering, we’re strengthened and we grow.

    We as women are often under siege. Different arrows are shot at us every single day. The world is fighting to make us forget our value, our worth, and our voice. We’re under attack from the moment we’re born. Girls form cliques in elementary school, already exhibiting exclusionary behavior and assigning worth based on social status. Do you ever wonder why the Enemy starts attacking women so early with comparison and jealousy? It’s because of the power of gathering.

    Even though women are under siege, the power of sisterhood is saying, “I’m in this with you.” We’re not going to conform to the world’s standard of womanhood. We’re not going to be like many women portrayed on reality TV shows. God bless them—they’re amazing. But we’re not going to be yelling at one another, pulling one another’s hair, backbiting, stealing one another’s husbands, and talking about one another’s kids. That’s not our message.

    The world is also pushing us to isolate ourselves, especially when we’re going through a tough time. A spirit of isolation seems to exist in our society. But it’s a lying spirit. Honestly, we would never have to leave the house if we didn’t want to. I’m not mad about some conveniences like Amazon Prime. I’m not mad that I can just get on my computer and Band-Aids are delivered to my door in two hours. I’m not mad that I can order groceries online, tip the driver four dollars, and avoid the commotion in a grocery store with three kids. I’m not mad about that.

    But with all this convenience, the structure of our world makes us think that we don’t need one another.

    You can do everything from your phone. You can do everything by yourself. You can practically exist in a virtual reality. The Enemy wants the spirit of isolation to permeate our society because destructive habits form when you’re alone too much. When you’re alone, you feel like nobody else is hurting like you’re hurting. When you’re alone, you feel like your pain is the heaviest you could possibly imagine. When you’re alone, you feel like you’re the only one whose marriage is struggling. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who feels overweight. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who’s not going to get a promotion. That’s why so much power exists in the gathering of women.

    Gather to Belong

    We all are fighting isolation now, some more than others. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” We’re not called to be in isolation. We need physical touch, we need to lock eyes, and we need to be around one another. Community gives life. If you watch National Geographic or study animals, you know they roll deep in herds because when an animal is alone, it’s vulnerable to attack. You’ve seen those animal documentaries where, out of the blue, a cheetah snatches a lone creature and disappears. But when herds stay tight, the predators can’t attack them. So we roll deep as a sisterhood. Our gathering pushes away the Enemy.

    Getting out of a dark place is much harder when you’re alone. We’re all going to fall. We’re human, and we don’t have to be perfect. You’re going to fall. But the key is having someone grab your hand and say, “Girl, get back up. I know who you are. I know that you’re not called to make those choices, and I’m going to pray with you until we watch that breakthrough come. We’re going to go to church, we’re listening to podcasts, we’re going to therapy and counseling, and we’re going to worship together until we cross over to victory together.”

    Ecclesiastes 4 has more wisdom for us: “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (verse 12). We are women who are not easily broken because we are women who can say, “I’m a part of a sisterhood. I’m a part of a triple-braided cord.”

    Your finances aren’t going to break you. Your relationships aren’t going to break you. Your fears aren’t going to break you. Your insecurities aren’t going to break you. Because you will be supported and encouraged in the sisterhood. We all find belonging when we allow ourselves to live in community with the beautiful and messy people God’s placed around us. We’re called to gather.

    The world is getting dark. But a companion can help you bear the darkness and carry the weight of the world. We come together to give one another hope and to speak life. We don’t have to have it all together. I sure don’t. As I write this chapter, my toes aren’t even polished! I don’t remember the last time I had a pedicure. I haven’t had time. Don’t get me one. Really, I don’t need you to get me one. But if you were to look closely at my toes, you would think, Bless her.

    Jesus shows up when we gather.

    But here’s the deal: we don’t have to have it all together.

    One of my weeks a few years ago was really crazy. Earl had knee surgery so that he can dunk more because he loves basketball and also so that he can run around with our kids. In the previous chapter, I talked about being crowned to serve. Well, I earned a couple of crowns that week as I ran around to make sure Earl had everything he needed. I even asked him, “Do you feel I’m doing a good job?” Because you know how you sometimes can feel like you’ve taken care of someone well, but they still need more? Part of you might think, Wow, okay. I guess I don’t have anything to do but serve you. I’m just being honest. So I said, “Earl, do you feel taken care of? Do you feel like I’m leaning into you? Do you feel good?” And he said, “Yes, you’ve been amazing.” I was so relieved! That was a crazy week. But I knew that if I could just get to church and be surrounded by the sisterhood of all my girls and if I could just sit in God’s presence, God would meet me there, and He absolutely did. I know that He’s meeting you right now too.

    You don’t have to do life alone.

    From Earl’s knee surgery to sending my oldest child to college, I wouldn’t have survived without community. Meals, encouraging texts, advice from other moms who have launched their kids—all of this has buffered this season with grace and strength. I’m passionate about this: You don’t have to go it alone.

    Sadly, many of us have been hurt in community and are afraid to trust again. I first want to say I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced—it makes sense why you want to skip this chapter. But can I tell you I’ve been hurt too? I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been betrayed by friends who I thought would never turn their back on me. I prayed and allowed God to heal my broken heart. Was it awful? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. But I will tell you God has healed my heart. Though it did take time. I decided I’m going to love big and trust again and allow new friends and healed friends to surround me. I say all this to say that when we’re surrounded by the right healthy people, we’re strengthened, encouraged, and able to make it through almost anything.

    Gather in the Good and Bad Times

    We’re called to gather when we’re burning in the furnace of trouble. When the heat is turned up, we’re still called to come together.

    When fire’s coming from everywhere, and we think, Could this situation possibly get any worse? Could the fire possibly get any hotter? Could life possibly get any more difficult?—guess what? We’re still called to gather. In the good times and in the bad.

    In the book of Exodus, we get a fascinating look at the power of women working shoulder to shoulder during the time when Israel was enslaved to Egypt:

    Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, gave this order to the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah: “When you help the Hebrew women as they give birth, watch as they deliver. If the baby is a boy, kill him; if it is a girl, let her live.” But because the midwives feared God, they refused to obey the king’s orders. They allowed the boys to live, too.

    So the king of Egypt called for the midwives. “Why have you done this?” he demanded. “Why have you allowed the boys to live?”

    “The Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women,” the mid-wives replied. “They are more vigorous and have their babies so quickly that we cannot get there in time.”

    So God was good to the midwives, and the Israelites continued to multiply, growing more and more powerful. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own. (1:15–21)

    I love how these two midwives used their position to protect the next generation. They didn’t let the king stop them from being used by God. That is so powerful. Who are you supposed to gather with at your job, at your school, in your neighborhood? Don’t underestimate the power of gathering.

    There’s a plan and a purpose for every woman created. We’re reminding the women of the world that God hasn’t forgotten about them and that He will never leave them or forsake them. That is the power of sisterhood. That is the power of gathering. Together, we push against the current.

    When others judge, we love.
    When others gossip, we speak life.
    When others ignore, we lean in.
    We are that sisterhood. We are those girls. Speak this over yourself: “I’m that girl.”
    When you understand the power of a gathering of women,

    you’ll be expectant about what God can do in your life, what miracles He can do on your behalf, and what battles He can fight. An old African proverb says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.” We as a sisterhood go together. We’re going to go farther. We’re not alone. We’re for one another. We believe in one another. We speak life into one another. We’re one another’s cheerleaders. You can cheer in a skirt or combat boots as long as you’re cheering for somebody. We believe that we’re called to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ever ask, think, or imagine. But we can’t let one another make the journey alone; we need to say, “You know what? I’m going with you.” If you’re reading this, we’re in this life together. You’re not alone.

    Gather with the Presence

    Finally, Matthew 18:20 says, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (NIV). God is here right now with you, He is here in your storm, and He is here to bring break-through. Whatever fire you’re facing, whatever storm, I’m believing that heaven is going to invade Earth on your behalf.

    We come from a long line of women who gathered with purpose and power. Deborah and Jael double-teamed the enemy and took him down. And as we saw in the last chapter, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and many other women helped fund Jesus’s ministry. I think about the women who gathered around the tomb to prepare Jesus’s body for burial. All throughout Scripture, we see how when women gather together, God shows up. Hebrews 12 tells us that we’re surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and urges us to throw off everything that hinders and entangles us. When we gather together, we help one another throw down weights that would try to hold us back.

    If you’ve had trouble finding an amazing church or healthy community, I encourage you to start a neighborhood or online Bible study. Maybe consider starting an office Bible study or workout group. If you’re in school, consider asking a few girls to work out with you or do a book study together. You can form the community you’re craving. Another great way to meet people is to volunteer in your community. You will be surprised by the women you meet outside your comfort zone.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/bernardbodo

    Oneka McClellan, author of Born Royal, is a writer, speaker, and lead pastor with her husband, Earl, of Shoreline City Church in Dallas, Texas. The McClellans are also co-hosts of the podcast With So Much Love, E+O. Passionate about sisterhood, Oneka challenges the way women think about themselves and encourages them to unite to bring goodness to the world. She has appeared on TBN and speaks frequently at churches and events. She and Earl are the parents of three children.

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  • A Letter to the Christian Woman Who Was Destroyed by Her Parents

    A Letter to the Christian Woman Who Was Destroyed by Her Parents

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    Many of us grow up in families where our parents do not treat us very well. We are emotionally abused; however, we are not physically abused. Due to not being physically abused, many people do not take our concerns seriously because our “safety was never at risk.” If a person undergoes any type of abuse, it is damaging and painful. If a person was not physically abused, that does not mean they did not undergo trauma or lasting pain.

    Emotional abuse is just as dangerous and harmful as physical abuse. While some people might argue with me, they cannot understand the pain unless they have actually gone through emotional abuse themselves. As someone who has gone through emotional abuse by my parents, I can share that it is extremely painful and traumatizing and has affected my life in the worst ways possible. Instead of being in a home of love and safety, I was constantly afraid of who was going to yell at me, get upset with me, or insult me. 

    I love both of my parents; however, I am not sure that they ever loved me because their actions and words showed the exact opposite. Rather than having parents who supported me in my struggles, my parents demonized me, yelled at me, and seemed to hate me. 

    From the trauma of my teenage years, I had to seek therapy as an adult. Through therapy, I have learned how to process these traumatic experiences. Part of processing these experiences is grieving the relationship I wanted to have with my parents. By taking time to grieve, I have been able to move forward in the healing process, and I now can help others who are going through similar situations. 

    If you are finding yourself in a similar place, know that there is help out there. Through therapy, turning to God, and support from other believers, you can live an abundant life (John 10:10). Life is yours for the taking, and there is no room for the pain of the past to hold you back any longer. 

    All of Your Pain Is Valid

    Before we move forward, I want you to know that all of your pain is valid. Being emotionally abused and destroyed by your parents is extremely painful. I have likened my own pain to feeling as though you are being swallowed by the ocean. Each time my parents would get mad at me or say a hurtful word, I wanted to allow the giant sea waves to engulf me. In this way, I could finally escape.

    I want you to know that feeling angry, hurt, and even bitter is understandable. We’re human. There is no timeline as to when you will heal from this pain, but friend, rest in the knowledge that peace is possible. Lasting peace is found in the Lord (John 14:27). As I have been processing my pain, I have seen that God is all I need. My mother and father have forsaken me, but the Lord receives me (Psalm 27:10). The Lord will receive you too, welcoming you with open arms. 

    As you are healing from the hurt inflicted by your parents, you will benefit from added resources like therapy. Christian therapy is ideal; however, if there are no Christian therapists in your area, a regular therapist should be able to help too. Therapy is beneficial to healing from emotional abuse as it gives us a safe place to express our feelings, share them, and seek out help. Much of my own healing has been through therapy, and I cannot recommend it enough. 

    Through therapy, you can learn how to replace the hurtful words of your parents with the truth of the Bible. Whenever you are tempted to dwell on a hurtful comment, a manipulative statement, or an insult, choose to turn to God. Open up your Bible, reflect on what God says, and allow it to change your heart. Choose to listen to God instead of your parents. He is the One who loves you with a perfect love and wants the best for your life. 

    Our Parents’ Non-Existent Love Versus God’s Unconditional Love

    As children, we normally build our parents up to be untouchable. They are our biggest heroes until they hurt us one day. After this first hurt, it seems to start a domino effect where we grow up understanding just how imperfect our parents are. My parents have both said hurtful words to me, which will never be forgotten. While I have forgiven them, I will never forget these words and the pain they have caused me. 

    Due to my parents’ emotional abuse, I developed self-hate, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. Each of these things created the perfect storm for the development of depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have not truly recovered from any of these mental health concerns, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever will. If your parents convince you that you are unlovable, not worthy, and not valuable, how then can you ever expect to feel good about yourself?

    I have often posed the question, “If my own parents don’t love me, who will?” Maybe you have also battled with this question. Personally, it has kept me up more nights than I would like to admit. The good news is that God loves us (John 3:16). Even if our parents don’t love us, God does, and His love is unshakable. The love He has for us will never be broken. 

    The Apostle Paul tells us, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39). This means that nothing can separate us from the love of God, which is found in Jesus Christ.

    Our parents may have made us feel unlovable, unworthy, and not valuable, but we are lovable, worthy, and valuable because God tells us we are. Our parents have failed us, yet God never will. Choose to reflect on God’s love instead of your parents’ love. Once you can start doing this, everything will pale in comparison to the fulfillment and acceptance you receive from God. 

    Learning to Let Go and Trust God with the Future 

    Part of moving forward is letting go and forgiving our parents. Forgiveness is hard, yet it is something that God wants us to do (Ephesians 4:32). We already have to carry around the pain of our past. We don’t need to force ourselves to carry grudges against our parents too. Give all of the pain, hurt, and unforgiveness over to God. He will give you lasting relief and healing.

    This is what I discovered must be done because the longer I held onto the pain, the more it controlled me. Once we can let go and give matters over to God, we can move forward with the future God has for us. 

    As soon as we are truly moving forward in God’s plans for our lives, we will see how much our parents were wrong about us. We are lovable, and many people will find great joy in our presence. There will be people who love us and will want to support us in our healing journey. Through the love of friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and a partner, God will help us to know we are loved. Never do we need to doubt the measures He will go to help us know we are loved by Him. 

    Look to the Lord today and allow Him to heal your broken heart (Psalm 147:3). Your parents might have destroyed you, but this is not the end of your story. It is only the beginning. There will be struggles along the way, but you can trust God. He loves you far beyond measure. As a beloved child of God, you can trust Him with your future. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Romolo Tavani

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Can You Marry the Wrong Person?

    Can You Marry the Wrong Person?

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    After a rough spot in marriage, it is common to feel as though you may have married the wrong person. Once you see the way they handle conflicts or how they get irritable after a long day, it is easy to think you vowed yourself to a person you don’t even know. 

    Although this is a hard question to come to terms with, most married people have asked this question to themselves after they have been married. Varying from the first few months of marriage to a few years in, I have had many friends wonder if they made the wrong decision when they chose their spouse. 

    Now, if you are married to someone and they are abusing you in any way, you do need to leave. In this case, you can be assured you did marry the wrong person. This is not the person God wants for you. He wants you to marry someone who loves you as He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:21-32). If your spouse is abusing you, whether emotionally, physically, or sexually, it is time to leave and file divorce papers. 

    However, if you are just going through a rough patch in your marriage, it does not mean you have married the wrong person. All of us are fallen and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). This means that we all do bad things, and this includes our spouse. It can be hurtful when our spouse forgets something important to us or when they get frustrated after a long day at work, but these things alone do not mean that we married the wrong person. 

    Did I Ruin God’s Will for My Life?

    As mentioned, just because your spouse messes up sometimes and has emotional problems that they need to deal with doesn’t mean you have married the wrong person. Most of the time when someone is worried about marrying the wrong person, it is because they think they have ruined God’s will for their life. Know that this is not true and you are exactly where God wants you to be. Your spouse still loves you despite their forgetfulness, emotional struggles, or distress after a long work day. 

    Many of us think that our spouses are perfect. As women, we especially have a habit of building our husbands up in a way that makes them untouchable. Unfortunately, our husbands are not perfect. They are fallen sinners just like us. Since they are sinners and we are sinners, it is not surprising that we run into problems. Thankfully, we are not left alone in our struggles and troubles. 

    We can turn to God when we are having trouble in our marriage and lean on Him for support. Start praying for each other and consider doing Christian marriage counseling if you think it will be beneficial. If you and your spouse are having a hard time communicating and working through issues, Christian marriage counseling could be the perfect thing for your marriage. You don’t have to wait for something detrimental to happen, like infidelity, to start Christian marriage counseling—you can start now and begin working through present issues that pertain to your marriage. 

    Your spouse is your spouse—he is not a knight in shining armor. He has faults and flaws just as we all do. Remember this when you are thinking you have married the wrong person. Sometimes it can be helpful if we self-reflect too. Rather than passing the blame on our spouse, we need to look at our own faults and flaws. 

    Once we can do this, we will start to show more grace. Maybe your spouse has a bad habit of not communicating their needs properly. Instead of getting upset with them, talk matters out with them and help them learn how to communicate their needs better with you. Once again, this is also a great opportunity to get started with Christian marriage counseling. Christian marriage counseling can do wonders for your marriage and help you know that you have, indeed, married the right person. There just might be a few communication issues getting in the way. 

    How Can I Be Sure I Married the Right Person?

    In addition to seeking out Christian marriage counseling, you can also turn to God with your concerns. He always needs to be the first One we turn to. God has a way of showing you all the wonderful reasons you married your spouse when you are doubtful. Maybe it is his smile, the way he makes you laugh, or the way he makes you feel safe. Reflect on the reasons you married your spouse and all the ways they have been there for you and supported you. 

    When you married your spouse, you were certain he or she was the one. Wives, if you are doubtful of your husband now, think about all the things you love about him. Husbands, if you are doubtful of your wife, reflect on all the things you love about her. Doing this practice daily can help you show more grace to your spouse and ensure you clear up any doubts in your mind. 

    Despite the false reality being presented on social media, nobody’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has their own struggles and troubles when it comes to marriage. This is because we live in a fallen world and, sadly, even our spouses can hurt our feelings or behave immaturely. Rather than allowing these wounds to stay open and fester, talk matters over with your spouse. In other words, if they have hurt your feelings, find a respectful way to tell them your concerns upfront. 

    It is much better to talk about problems rather than suppressing them. Be open with your spouse and this will help cultivate a better marriage rooted in honesty. God wants you to communicate with your spouse and continue to cultivate your marriage. Your marriage is built upon God, which can help give you strength when the days are hard.

    Is it Even Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?

    While it is possible to marry the wrong person, it is not likely unless your spouse is abusing you or being unfaithful to you. If any of these willfully deceitful and manipulative things are happening, it’s best to reassess the situation. However, if your spouse is just showing a few errors in their life or a few areas of struggle, it just means we live in a fallen world and our spouse isn’t perfect. 

    It is hard to come to this realization, but the sooner we realize our spouse is flawed, the sooner it will help our marriages become stronger. You and your spouse can improve your marriage by pushing each other to follow Jesus more in your everyday life. Through encouraging and building each other up, your marriage will grow as you will both depend more on God. 

    Marriage takes hard work, energy, and effort. Sadly, marriage is not happily ever after because that would mean it was simple. In order to have a beautiful marriage, both spouses have to be willing to put in the work. This means that you and your spouse will consistently search out ways to better follow Jesus and extend His love in your marriage. There will be days when you will be angry or frustrated with your spouse, but you have to choose compassion and grace.

    Lean on support from the Lord and go to Him in prayer. Allow Him to help you and give you guidance for the future. You did not marry the wrong person just because you are having difficulties now. In a few years, you will look back and see how you and your spouse have grown in your marriage. While marriage will still be difficult at times, you will be better equipped to work through the problems with the help of God. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Dealing with Loneliness After Losing Your Spouse

    Dealing with Loneliness After Losing Your Spouse

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    When you lose a spouse, it’s like losing a part of yourself. Your partner was the person you shared everything with—your joys, fears, and daily routines. The absence of that emotional support can feel like a gaping hole in your heart. Those quiet moments, like sharing a morning coffee or discussing your day before bed, become stark reminders of your loss.

    You might find yourself talking to their photograph or memory, yearning for those intimate conversations. It’s perfectly natural to miss those small yet significant interactions. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” This verse reassures us that even in our deepest sorrow, God is close and offering us comfort and understanding.

    Social loneliness is another layer to this grief. Activities that once brought you joy now highlight your solitude. Fun and basic activities such as going to church, attending family gatherings, or participating in social events can be painful because your spouse is no longer by your side. And no matter how you try to mask it when you’re in public, the sight of couples or families can intensify your feelings of isolation.

    So, it’s important to recognize these feelings and permit yourself to grieve. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who understand your loss. Remember, Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Sharing your feelings with others can lighten the heavy load of loneliness.

    Losing a spouse can even impact your spiritual life. You might find yourself questioning God or struggling to feel His presence. This spiritual loneliness can make you feel spiritually disconnected.

    In these moments of doubt, it’s helpful to remember that questioning and seeking understanding are part of the journey. The Scripture says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” It’s okay to struggle and seek answers, but keep trusting that God has a purpose, even when it’s hard to see.

    Finding Comfort and Hope 

    When dealing with loneliness after losing a spouse, it is important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Seek support from friends, family, and your faith community. Remember that God is always with you, even in your darkest hours.

    As you navigate this challenging time, lean on the words of the Bible for comfort and strength. Cling to God’s promise in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” This promise reminds us that comfort and peace will come, even during our deepest sorrow.

    Dealing with the loss of a spouse is incredibly tough, and finding solace in faith can be a powerful way to navigate this challenging time. 

    Here are some thoughtful ways to get through this feeling:

    1. Lean on Your Faith and Trust in God

    Losing a spouse can shake you to your core, making it hard to see beyond the pain. But remember, Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Trusting that God has a plan, even when it’s hard to understand, can bring comfort. Spend time in prayer and read your Bible regularly. Let His words be a lamp for your feet during these dark times.

    2. Connect with Your Church Community 

    Isolation can make loneliness worse, but God doesn’t want you to go through this alone. Remember, the church is not only a place to worship but also a family because we believers have been tasked with this duty and responsibility in Galatians 6:2: “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Therefore, in your time of grief, do not hesitate to reach out to fellow believers, join small Christly groups, and engage in church activities. Having a circle of encouraging friends around you can uplift your mood and be a constant reminder that you are not alone. 

    3. Embrace New Routines and Hobbies

    After losing your spouse, your daily life changes drastically. It’s now important that you find new routines and interests to fill the void. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” So, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, painting, or any other hobby, endeavor to find joy in new activities, as doing so will help ease your feeling of loneliness. These activities can also be a way to honor your spouse’s memory by doing something they loved or that you both enjoyed together.

    4. Seek Professional and Pastoral Support

    Grief can be overwhelming in a time like this, and sometimes, talking to a professional counselor or your pastor can be incredibly beneficial. That is why Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” A Christian therapist can provide you with the necessary tools to help you cope with your grief while keeping your faith at the center of your healing process. Also, pastors can offer spiritual guidance, pray with you, and help you find peace in God’s promises.

    5. Reflect on Happy Memories

    I understand that losing someone you love deeply is incredibly hard, and at first, it might seem unbearable to even think about the good times you had. But here’s the thing: reflecting on those happy memories can bring a sense of peace and comfort. Take some time to create a memory book filled with photos, letters, and little keepsakes that remind you of the wonderful moments you shared. 

    Maybe it’s that favorite vacation, a special anniversary, or just those simple, everyday moments that made your life together so rich. Looking through this memory book can be like having a warm conversation with your spouse, keeping their spirit alive in your heart. Doing this is a way to celebrate the love you had, which remains a beautiful part of who you are.

    6. Take Care of Your Physical Health

    Grief doesn’t just affect your heart and mind—it can really impact your body too. That’s why you must strive to take good care of yourself physically, no matter how you feel. The best approach is to start small, like going for a daily walk. Fresh air and a bit of movement can do wonders for lifting your mood and giving you a bit more energy. 

    Also, eat nutritious meals and make sure you get enough rest too. When you’re eating well and sleeping enough, you’re giving your body the tools it needs to stay strong. And when your body feels stronger, it can help you feel more capable of handling all the emotional ups and downs that come with grief.

    7. Allow Yourself to Grieve

    Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. It’s important to allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling. Maybe some days you’re sad; other days you might feel angry; and sometimes you might even feel a sense of relief. All these emotions are normal, and it’s okay to feel them. 

    Under no circumstances should you judge yourself for having a tough day; it’s all part of the healing process. So, be gentle with yourself and understand that it’s perfectly okay to have days when you don’t feel strong. You must understand that healing is a journey, and it takes time. Allow yourself that time, and know that it’s okay to lean on others for support when you need it.

    One of the most significant losses a person may go through is losing a spouse, and the loneliness that follows can be unbearable. But keep in mind that you are not traveling alone. 

    Important stages towards healing include relying on your faith, being involved in your church community, establishing new habits, asking for help, thinking back on pleasant memories, taking care of your physical health, and allowing yourself to grieve.

    Hold on to the comforting promise from the Bible in Isaiah 41:10 that says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” God is with you every step of the way, offering strength and comfort. Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes, and ask for help when you need it.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Marjan Apostolovic

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • Google Search Ranks AI Spam Above Original Reporting in News Results

    Google Search Ranks AI Spam Above Original Reporting in News Results

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    For example, I searched “competing visions google openai” and saw a TechCrunch piece at the top of Google News. Below it were articles from The Atlantic and Bloomberg comparing the rival companies’ approaches to AI development. But then, the fourth article to appear for that search, nestled right below these more reputable websites, was another Syrus #Blog piece that heavily copied the TechCrunch article in the first position.

    As reported by 404 Media in January, AI-powered articles appeared multiple times for basic queries at the beginning of the year in Google News results. Two months later, Google announced significant changes to its algorithm and new spam policies, as an attempt to improve the search results. And by the end of April, Google shared that the major adjustments to remove unhelpful results from its search engine ranking system were finished. “As of April 19, we’ve completed the rollout of these changes. You’ll now see 45 percent less low-quality, unoriginal content in search results versus the 40 percent improvement we expected across this work,” wrote Elizabeth Tucker, a director of product management at Google, in a blog post.

    Despite the changes, spammy content created with the help of AI remains an ongoing, prevalent issue for Google News.

    “This is a really rampant problem on Google right now, and it’s hard to answer specifically why it’s happening,” says Lily Ray, senior director of search engine optimization at the marketing agency Amsive. “We’ve had some clients say, ‘Hey, they took our article and rehashed it with AI. It looks exactly like what we wrote in our original content but just kind of like a mumbo-jumbo, AI-rewritten version of it.’”

    At first glance, it was clear to me that some of the images for Syrus’ blogs were AI generated based on the illustrations’ droopy eyes and other deformed physical features—telltale signs of AI trying to represent the human body.

    Now, was the text of our article rewritten using AI? I reached out to the person behind the blog to learn more about how they made it and received confirmation via email that an Italian marketing agency created the blog. They claim to have used an AI tool as part of the writing process. “Regarding your concerns about plagiarism, we can assure you that our content creation process involves AI tools that analyze and synthesize information from various sources while always respecting intellectual property,” writes someone using the name Daniele Syrus over email.

    They point to the single hyperlink at the bottom of the lifted article as sufficient attribution. While better than nothing, a link which doesn’t even mention the publication by name is not an adequate defense against plagiarism. The person also claims that the website’s goal is not to receive clicks from Google’s search engine but to test out AI algorithms in multiple languages.

    When approached over email for a response, Google declined to comment about Syrus. “We don’t comment on specific websites, but our updated spam policies prohibit creating low-value, unoriginal content at scale for the purposes of ranking well on Google,” says Meghann Farnsworth, a spokesperson for Google. “We take action on sites globally that don’t follow our policies.” (Farnsworth is a former WIRED employee.)

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  • What I’ve Learned in My First Year of Marriage

    What I’ve Learned in My First Year of Marriage

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    July 3rd, 2024, marks my husband Ben’s and my first year of marriage. Most people look forward to celebrating fireworks on the 4th, but the fireworks in our hearts began just a day earlier.

    Ben and I dated for just over five years before we got married. In some ways, marriage has been exactly what I thought it would be. My husband is still the same person I married. Things that annoyed me while dating him still annoy me now. But I love the things I loved about him while we were dating even more now. I’m sure he could say the same about me.

    In other veins, marriage has not been what I expected or anticipated. Most days, I find myself thinking, “How in the world do Mom and Grandma manage everything they do?” More often than not, I end my days pondering, “How will I ever get it all done with so much to do?”

    While marriage has been a blend of what I’ve thought it would and wouldn’t be, I can say with certainty that it’s worth it. Every ounce of pain, tears, and conflict we’ve faced has been countered by immeasurable joy, love, and resolution. As our former pastor quoted in his charge to us the day we got married: “Marriage is a gift of God, given to comfort the sorrows of life and magnify the joys. Marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of hearts, the union of two lives as one. Your marriage must stand on more than a piece of paper. It must stand in the strength of your love and by the power of your faith in one another and in God.”

    At the end of the charge, our pastor encouraged us to embrace three covenants of marriage: faith, hope, and love. Just as Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, the same charge should be applied to us today, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (v. 13, NIV).

    As I reminisce over the the last year, and the lessons I’ve learned as a new wife, there are three things I’d like to share with you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or looking to grow in your faith, I hope these truths can serve as a source of encouragement and strength:

    1. The Importance of Communication

    Before Ben and I got married, numerous people told us to prioritize communication with our spouse to be, and with our Creator. The same is still true and applicable today. Marriage doesn’t change our need for interaction with others. In fact, some might say it exasperates it. 

    Communication is an important factor in any relationship. This is why knowing how to talk to God and your spouse or significant other is so valuable. How we communicate also matters.

    James 1:19 is a life verse we should all take heed of and apply to our lives in the way we interact with and speak to others: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). 
    While this Scripture is much easier said than done, it’s a good goal to keep in mind. Christ reminds us to pursue excellence in all we do, and that extends into our speaking, listening, and talking skills (Philippians 4:8; Matthew 5:48). Surely, being patient, hearing to understand, and thinking before we respond are all habits we can pursue both inside the confines of marriage and out.
    Proverbs 18:21 summarizes our key point best in these words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (ESV).

    Communication must be open, vulnerable, honest, and kind, but above all, it must be Christ-like. The reason communication is so detrimental to any relationship is because of the immense power and value the words we say and use hold. 

    One of the biggest things I’ve learned this last year is the power of those words. My husband can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I get the assumption yours can’t follow suit either. Even couples who know one another best and have been together for decades will never get it all right. We’re not mind readers! But I believe God intentionally created us this way for a reason.

    In May, I was going through a stressful time. I’d just resigned from teaching, had surgery, and attended my first writing conference. One evening in particular, I told my husband I was struggling to communicate with God and didn’t have the mental energy to pray or read my Bible. He told me that God still desired to hear from me that day. Then he asked me how I’d feel if he went an entire day without talking to me. Though I got offended at first and just wanted him to validate the exhaustion I was feeling, he had a point.

    Even though God is God and already knows everything about me, He still wants me to talk to Him. He also still wants to hear from you! Jesus Christ is the greatest mind reader of all time, and still, communication is vital to my relationship with Him. Why would we expect our relationships with other humans to be any different?

    2. The Value of Playfulness

    About six months into marriage, I quickly realized our communication was improving, but our playfulness was dying. It wasn’t until we were in the middle of a Kroger run—the third time that month we were supposed to be on a date—that we discovered we were sacrificing date time for chores. Maybe you can relate?

    Life is busy. Adulting is busy. Marriage is busy. No one ever said squashing two lives into one was easy or less busy. But learning to value and prioritize playfulness needs to fit into your busy schedule if you intend for your relationship to succeed and thrive!

    In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are discussed. One thing you may have never noticed, however, is that marriage is to be a source of life and joy—not life and joy to replace that which Christ gives, but to join with it in harmony.

    Not only is playfulness a sign of a happy marriage, but it’s also a sign of a healthy, productive, and functioning one. Playfulness doesn’t mean being rude or insincere with our words. It also doesn’t mean forsaking responsibility for all fun and games. But godly playfulness takes delight in the gift of marriage that God has given us. 

    Phylicia Masonheimer, author and theologian, describes playfulness in our relationship with God and our spouse this way: 

    “What would it do to our relationship with God, viewing Him as playful? When I first considered this I was in the middle of my “flirtation experiment” with Josh. We were in a dry-ish season of marriage and I wanted to put some fun back into it. I made a list of 30 “flirtation” ideas and did one a day, recording my feelings and his response. One of my experiments was “playfulness”. I told jokes. I did a silly dance. I surprised him with water balloons after work. He was a little surprised at first. While I readily laugh at his jokes, I’m not the one to initiate silliness! But by making an effort in this area I noticed Josh’s joy increasing, his own readiness to make me laugh increasing, and – what surprised me most – my own love increasing. Laughing together, playing together, brought us closer together. I began to wonder: If I laughed with God… would I feel closer to Him? God is a spirit, not a human, so “laughing” with Him was very different from laughing with Josh. The very concept probably sounds abstract. But based on what Scripture says about God’s joy, I take for granted that the Lord wants to hear from me – in good or bad, joy or sorrow. I started sharing the things I found hilarious with the Lord. I would actually pray them to Him as if I was telling a friend.”

    Though it’s a lengthy quote, I think Masonheimer hits the nail on the head when it comes to articulating our playfulness with our spouse and our Creator. 

    3. The Priority of Christ

    A little over five years ago, when Ben and I first started dating, I worried about prioritizing my relationship with Christ and a romantic relationship. The more I sought the Lord and His Word, however, I was affirmed of this truth: The greater I pursue Jesus, the more love I’ll have to lavish on another person. The less I pursue Him, the less I’ll have available to give. We cannot pour out love if we aren’t seeking Love Himself.

    The longer I’m married, the more I see the importance of prioritizing Christ in my marriage. What does that practically look like? Ben and I are far from mastering this concept, but here are a few things we’ve found that work for us.

    -Spend time reading the Bible, praying, and talking to God on your own, but also spend time doing those things as a couple. While this can sound overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be. Daily, I read the Word, pray, and talk to God, but weekly, Ben and I pray and study together. Sometimes we utilize a morning or evening devotional we can do on our own time and then regroup later because it works for our flexibility. Feel free to try out practices and see what works best for you.

    -Go to church and small group together. It might sound obvious, but attending Church and fellowship outings as a couple not only helps us prioritize our relationship with God but one another. While it’s taken us time to get settled into a place we could call home or find people our age to study the Scriptures with, both have been well-worthy investments. If you’re struggling to find good options, don’t be afraid to look for online study groups, and try new places.

    Pursuing Christ is the highest calling you’ll ever receive, and it’s only through and in that relationship you’ll ever be able to successfully prioritize loving others. 

    What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned from being married? What advice would you give someone who’s getting married or just got married? I encourage you to share those thoughts with someone you love today. I’m certainly not an expert, but I’m choosing to grow and learn along the way. 

    Agape, Amber 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Nadtochiy

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • Redefining Normal and Appreciating the Quiet Thinkers

    Redefining Normal and Appreciating the Quiet Thinkers

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    Have you ever been in a class or meeting at church and it seemed like the same people were doing all the talking week after week? How did it feel to have something to say and not be able to share? Maybe you are too polite or reserved to push your way into the conversation to share what you think.

    How about picking up your preschooler from childcare at church and having the teacher tell you, “She’s so shy.” The labels start at a young age and follow your precious child as they get older, leaving them with hurt feelings of being “defective”.

    In a world that often rewards the loudest voices and the quickest responses, it’s important to recognize and appreciate the value of quiet thinkers among us. Christian communities, just like any other, consist of diverse personalities, including those who may not be quick to speak yet possess deep wisdom and insight. Understanding and valuing these quiet individuals, especially as children of God, can enrich our interactions, strengthen the Body of Christ, and grow us personally.

    The Bible offers wonderful wisdom on the virtues of thinking, being quiet, and reflecting. These scriptures remind us of the importance of listening and valuing the contributions of those who may not be the first to speak:

    –James 1:19: “You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

    –Proverbs 17:27-28: “One who withholds his words has knowledge, And one who has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”

    –Ecclesiastes 3:7: “A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

    The virtues of being thoughtful and restrained in speech encourage us to slow down and be attentive listeners, creating space for those who may take a bit longer to express their thoughts.

    The Value of Quiet Thinkers

    Quiet thinkers bring unique strengths to our Christian communities. Their tendency to reflect deeply before speaking means that when they do share, their contributions are often thorough and insightful. Here are several reasons to appreciate and make space for quiet thinkers:

    -Quiet individuals often spend significant time reflecting on issues, leading to profound insights and thoughtful solutions.

    -They are generally good listeners, providing a calming presence and often noticing things that others might miss.

    -When they do speak, their words are usually carefully chosen and meaningful, adding significant value to discussions.

    -Their patience and restraint in conversation can serve as a model for others, fostering a more respectful and slower-paced, thoughtful environment.

    Challenges Quiet Thinkers Face

    Quiet thinkers often face several challenges in environments that prioritize quick thinking and outspoken contributions. Understanding these challenges can help us create more welcoming opportunities for them to share, regardless if they are children or adults.

    -Intimidation by Dominant Voices: In settings where quick thinkers and speakers dominate, quiet thinkers might feel intimidated and be reluctant to share.

    -Misinterpreted as Disinterested: Quietness can sometimes be misinterpreted as disinterest or a lack of engagement. In reality, quiet individuals are often deeply engaged and are simply processing their thoughts before speaking.

    Consider the example of a quiet child in a noisy classroom. When asked why she doesn’t talk at school, she might respond, “There are a lot of kids, and the kids are loud.” This is often seen as a problem with the quiet child who gets labeled as quiet or shy, and the loud children are seen as “normal”. In adult circles, the same thing happens where those who dominate conversations and fail to realize that others may have something valuable to say are seen as active participants. Those who don’t share are labeled as quiet and non-contributors when they truly had no opportunity to contribute to the discussion.

    Action Steps for Engaging Quiet Thinkers

    If you are a quick thinker or someone who is eager to share your opinion in a group setting, there are practical steps you can take to ensure that quiet thinkers in the group have the opportunity to share their insights:

    1. Ask Direct Questions

    Engage quiet thinkers by asking them direct questions. This can provide them with the opportunity to share their thoughts in a space where they feel invited to speak. For example:

    “What do you think about this, (insert name)?”

    “(Insert name), how would you approach this situation?”

    2. Allow for Pauses in Conversation

    Silence can be uncomfortable, and most of us rush to fill it. Allowing pauses in the conversation gives quiet thinkers the space they need to gather their thoughts and contribute.

    Practice waiting a few seconds after someone speaks before jumping in with your response.

    3. Encourage Written Responses

    Some people may feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts in writing. Encourage the use of written communication in group settings, such as emails, notes, or online discussions.

    “If you have any thoughts later, feel free to share them in our group chat or through email.”

    4. Create Smaller Discussion Groups

    Large group settings can be intimidating for quiet thinkers. Organize smaller discussion groups or one-on-one conversations to make it easier for them to share their thoughts.

    “Let’s break into smaller groups so everyone has a chance to share.”

    5. Model Active Listening

    Demonstrate active listening by summarizing what others have said and asking follow-up questions. This shows that you value their input and encourages participation.

    “What I hear you saying is ________. Does that sound correct?”

    6. Acknowledge and Appreciate Contributions

    Publicly acknowledge the contributions of quiet thinkers to show that their input is valued and appreciated. This encourages them to continue sharing.

    “That’s a great point, (insert name). Thank you for sharing your perspective.”

    Growth Steps for Quiet Thinkers

    Just because you are a quiet thinker doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort to participate in group settings. Here are a few tips for quiet thinkers to take steps to grow personally and become more comfortable with sharing their thoughts:

    -Use Breath Prayers: When feeling anxious about sharing in a group, use a simple breath prayer where you breathe in and say to yourself, “Made in God’s image.” As you breathe out, say to yourself, “I can show up.” This can calm your nerves and remind you that you can do all things through Christ (Phillippians 4:13).

    -Take Initiative: Challenge yourself to contribute at least one comment in every meeting or discussion. Even a brief comment can build your confidence over time.

    -Prepare in Advance: If possible, review discussion topics beforehand and jot down your thoughts. This can make it easier to contribute when the time comes.

    -Follow Up: If you need more time to process, offer to share your thoughts later. “I’ll email my thoughts after I’ve had a chance to sit with this,” is a perfectly acceptable response.

    One type of thinker is not inherently better than the other. Quick thinkers and quiet thinkers both bring valuable perspectives to the table, and recognizing this range of personalities enriches our Christian community. The important thing to remember is to be aware of how you show up in group discussions and make adjustments as needed. In the 21st century, where constant noise often drowns out quieter voices, it’s crucial to cultivate environments, especially in church settings, where everyone has space and feels comfortable to contribute.

    By taking practical steps to engage quiet thinkers and by quiet individuals stepping out of their comfort zones, we can work together to help everyone feel heard and valued.   This approach not only honors the biblical admonition to be slow to speak and quick to listen but fosters a richer, more respectful Christian community where varied perspectives can be shared. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Harbucks

    Renee Bethel, author of Finding Me: A Woman’s Guide to Learning More About Herself, is a Professional Christian Life Coach and a Certified Enneagram Coach. Her passion lies in guiding growth-minded Christian moms towards embracing their identity in Christ and finding freedom in the finished work of Jesus. If you’re ready to change the way you view yourself and your place in the world, join her FREE 31 Day Challenge to Embrace Your Identity in Christ.

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  • Letting Go of Grudges and Finding Freedom

    Letting Go of Grudges and Finding Freedom

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    The idea of forgiving people who have deeply hurt us is difficult, yet forgiveness holds a particularly significant place within the Christian faith. The Bible frequently emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, urging believers to let go of grudges and find freedom through this transformative process. This article delves into the biblical perspective on forgiveness and its importance, providing practical strategies for forgiving others and oneself. 

    Forgiveness is a central theme in the Bible, with numerous passages underscoring its importance. According to Christian teachings, forgiveness is not just a moral obligation but a path to spiritual liberation and peace. 

    Jesus’ Teachings on Forgiveness 

    One of the most profound teachings on forgiveness comes from Jesus Christ. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replies, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” 

    This response highlights the boundless nature of forgiveness that Jesus advocates for his followers. This unlimited approach to forgiveness reflects the endless mercy and grace that God offers to humanity, encouraging believers to mirror this in their interactions with others. 

    In the Lord’s Prayer, as recorded in Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” This line emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness, indicating that receiving God’s forgiveness is intertwined with our willingness to forgive others. This mutual dependency underscores the importance of a forgiving heart, suggesting that our own spiritual well-being is connected to how we treat others. 

    The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant 

    The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:23-35) further illustrates the necessity of forgiveness. In this parable, a servant who is forgiven a massive debt by his master refuses to forgive a much smaller debt owed to him by a fellow servant. 

    The master, upon learning of this, rebukes the unforgiving servant and reinstates his debt, signifying that those who do not forgive others cannot expect to receive forgiveness themselves. This parable serves as a stark reminder of the importance of extending the same mercy we have received from God to others, emphasizing the moral and spiritual imperative of forgiveness. 

    Spiritual Freedom 

    From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with God. The Bible teaches that harboring unforgiveness can hinder our prayers and our ability to receive God’s grace. 

    Mark 11:25 states, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” This verse highlights the spiritual blockage that unforgiveness can create, emphasizing the need for a clear heart to maintain a strong connection with God. 

    Forgiveness is also a testament to our faith and obedience to God’s commands. It reflects our understanding and acceptance of God’s mercy and our commitment to living a life that aligns with His teachings. By forgiving others, we demonstrate our trust in God’s justice and our willingness to leave judgment in His hands. 

    Psychological Benefits 

    Psychologically, forgiveness is linked to numerous health benefits. Studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression and improve overall well-being. Holding onto grudges and resentment can lead to chronic emotional and physical health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, fosters emotional healing and promotes a sense of peace. 

    Research has found that people who forgive are more likely to experience lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a longer life expectancy. Forgiveness can also improve relationships, leading to healthier social interactions and a more supportive community. By releasing negative emotions, individuals can focus on positive aspects of life, enhancing their mental and emotional health. 

    Strategies for Forgiving Others 

    Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the hurt is deep. However, it is possible to cultivate a forgiving heart through intentional practices. 

    1. Reflect on God’s Forgiveness 

    One of the first steps in forgiving others is to reflect on the forgiveness you have received from God. Romans 5:8 reminds us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Recognizing the magnitude of God’s forgiveness can inspire us to extend the same grace to others. Understanding that God’s love and mercy are freely given, despite our flaws and mistakes, can motivate us to forgive others.

    2. Pray for a Forgiving Heart

    Prayer is a powerful tool in the journey towards forgiveness. Ask God to soften your heart and help you let go of bitterness and resentment. Pray for the person who has wronged you, as this can shift your perspective and foster empathy. Prayer can also provide the strength and courage needed to confront and overcome the hurt, allowing God’s love to fill the spaces where pain once resided. 

    3. Understand the Benefits of Forgiveness 

    Educate yourself on the benefits of forgiveness, both spiritually and emotionally. Understanding that forgiveness is more about your own well-being than the other person’s actions can motivate you to let go of grudges. Realizing that forgiveness can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life can provide the incentive needed to pursue it, even when it feels difficult. 

    4. Practice Empathy 

    Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand the reasons behind their actions and acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it can make it easier to forgive. Empathy can also help in recognizing the humanity in others, reminding us that everyone is capable of change and growth. 

    5. Let Go of Expectations 

    Forgiveness should not be contingent upon another’s actions. Letting go of these expectations can free you to forgive more readily. Accepting that people may not always meet our expectations allows us to release the burden of resentment and move forward with our lives. 

    6. Seek Support 

    Forgiving someone can be a lonely process. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a spiritual advisor. Sharing your feelings can provide comfort and perspective, making it easier to move forward. Having a support system can also offer encouragement and accountability, helping you stay committed to the process of forgiveness. 

    Strategies for Forgiving Yourself 

    Forgiving oneself is often more challenging than forgiving others. However, self-forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and mental health. 

    1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes 

    The first step in self-forgiveness is acknowledging your mistakes without making excuses. Accept responsibility for your actions and understand their impact. This honesty is essential for personal growth, as it allows you to learn from your experiences and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

    2. Reflect on God’s Grace 

    Just as God’s forgiveness can inspire us to forgive others, it can also help us to forgive ourselves. Romans 8:1 reassures us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This verse highlights that God’s grace covers our sins, freeing us from self-condemnation. Understanding that we are forgiven by God helps us release the guilt and shame accompanying our mistakes. 

    3. Make Amends 

    If possible, take steps to make amends for your actions. Apologize to those you have hurt and seek to rectify the situation. This can alleviate guilt and pave the way for self-forgiveness. Making amends shows a commitment to change and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions, which can be an important part of the healing process. 

    4. Learn from Your Mistakes 

    View your mistakes as opportunities for growth. Reflect on what you have learned and how you can avoid similar mistakes in the future. This proactive approach can transform guilt into a catalyst for positive change. By learning from your experiences, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness and resilience. 

    5. Practice Self-Compassion 

    Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your humanity and the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Self-compassion can reduce self-criticism and promote emotional healing. By being kind to yourself, you create a supportive environment that fosters growth and self-forgiveness. 

    6. Seek Professional Help 

    If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, consider seeking help. Professional guidance can provide tools and techniques to help you work through guilt. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for moving forward. 

    The Role of Community in Forgiveness 

    Community plays a significant role in the process of forgiveness. Being part of a supportive community can provide the encouragement and accountability needed to pursue forgiveness. 

    1. Church Community 

    In a church community, members can find support and guidance through sermons, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Engaging with others who share your faith can provide a sense of belonging and remind you of the biblical teachings on forgiveness. The church can also offer resources such as counseling and support groups to help individuals on their journey toward forgiveness. 

    2. Support Groups 

    Support groups, whether faith-based or secular, can provide a safe space to share your experiences and receive encouragement from others who are also working towards forgiveness. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of solidarity. 

    3. Family and Friends 

    Family and friends can be a crucial support system in the process of forgiveness. They can offer a listening ear, provide perspective, and remind you of the importance of letting go of grudges. Having a strong support network can make the journey towards forgiveness less isolating and more manageable. 

    The Power of Forgiveness

    Forgiveness is a powerful act that offers freedom and peace. Rooted in biblical teachings, it is a pathway to spiritual and psychological well-being. By embracing forgiveness, we let go of grudges and open our hearts to healing and growth. 

    Whether forgiving others or oneself, the journey requires intentional effort, empathy, and a deep understanding of God’s grace. As we strive to forgive, we reflect the love and mercy that are at the heart of the Christian faith, ultimately finding freedom and peace in the process. 

    The power of forgiveness extends beyond individual healing; it has the potential to transform relationships, communities, and even societies. By practicing forgiveness, we contribute to a culture of compassion and understanding, breaking the cycle of hurt and fostering a more harmonious world. 

    There have been times in my life when I discovered the reasons why people hurt me, and the truth was heartbreaking. A friend who had hurt me in my teens found out that she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder in her early 20s. I vividly remember a conversation with her during our teenage years that she later expressed confusion over, upset by the pain she caused me and others. 

    Years later, when she was diagnosed in her early twenties, that memory resurfaced. You never truly know what personal struggles someone may be facing, and when they hurt you, it may not always be personal. 

    Letting go of grudges and finding freedom through forgiveness is not only a personal victory but a testament to the enduring power of love and grace and what God ultimately wants us to do.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/gorodenkoff

    J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.

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  • What Are “Confessional Communities”?

    What Are “Confessional Communities”?

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    When I first learned of “Confessional Communities,” I wasn’t sure what to think. I resonate with the words recorded in Psalm 32:1-2, which state, “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.” I like the idea of living with complete absolution—inside the privacy of my prayer closet. But exposing the ugliest parts of myself to others? The thought stirred anxiety within me, largely because of times when my weaknesses and faults were met with judgment and rejection rather than grace. 

    I wonder if you would say the same. Perhaps you joined a Bible study hoping for connection, for healing, and left with increased shame. 

    The communities Dr.Thompson and his team create, train, and multiply have the opposite effect. These groups form spaces designed to help people feel known, seen, and soothed. Using his psychotherapy experience, love for Scripture, and understanding of neural biology, he is working to create environments where, through the empathetic responses of others, individuals can heal and become the beautiful expressions of the Triune God for which they were created. 

    Curiosity sparked after discussing Thompson’s latest release, The Deepest Place, for an upcoming Faith Over Fear podcast episode. I engaged him in conversation to learn more about the transformative movement that emerged through his practice and discovered that his organization, The Center for Being Known, is making lay-led communities available.

    More Than Group Therapy

    “What we call Confessional Communities came from a number of different threads and streams that came to converge in our practice,” he said. “It all began probably 15 or 20 years ago but has really crystalized in the last 8-10 years.”  

    The ultimate purpose of Confessional Communities goes deeper than what some might refer to as “group therapy.” 

    “Now, people come with all kinds of initial complaints,” Thompson said. “They’re coming for their marriage, or anxiety, or depression, or substance abuse. There’s a range of different doorways by which people enter. … But we are quick to remind and point out to people that those things are all true, but much bigger than that is this question of spiritual formation.”

    In discussing the importance of this, Dr. Thompson explained various ways we humans are being formed each day—from the news we watch, books we read, social media content we consume, and more. “The question is,” he said, “who is the community in which you embed that is forming you, and what is the story that you believe you’re living in, that is forming that community?”

    Confessional Communities exist within a biblical understanding of the nature of what it means for us to be human. Within that context, these groups operate based on “interpersonal neurobiology principles regarding what the mind is,” Thompson said, “how the mind operates, and the mechanics of what it looks like to flourish as human beings.” All of this is applied through group psychotherapy dynamics. 

    Thompson clarified: “What we’re really talking about is, what does it mean to pay attention to the nature of how interpersonal systems work. So, it’s not just how does the mind work within me? But what happens in a group when the group starts to talk with each other?”

    These communities meet weekly for 90 minutes. “There’s nothing about our lives that we do not talk about,” he said. People have found these interactions so profound; some have asked, “Why can’t this be church?” Others have said the experience was the most transformative they’d engaged in, and still others expressed sorrow that their parents hadn’t connected with something similar. In response to these powerful statements, Thompson reminds us that the role of church, Confessional Communities, and all of Christian living is that we’d be conformed to the image of Jesus.  

    How People Change

    When asked what it was about these communities in particular that led to such healing, he pointed to the mechanics of how people change. Often, it’s not through book reading alone that we most heal, learn and grow, at least in terms of what it means to become more like Christ, as helpful as those practices can be. Rather, it is through our interactions with others. For example, he shared how, many times as he meets with patients, things they do and say have taught him a great deal about himself, and he often experiences personal transformation due to the work they’ve done.

    He explained that, while he would never use a client’s therapy time to discuss himself in this manner, his professional interaction in session does have a drawback. “A patient doesn’t really get the opportunity to recognize how their telling their story vulnerably is actually a way for others to know healing.” For example, what one person shares often evokes things in others that they’ve kept locked away for years, and perhaps over which they’ve held a grudge.

    This, in turn, benefits the storyteller. “One of the major ways in which we know healing in our own lives is allowing our vulnerability to be the agency of healing for others,” Thompson said. “My experience of healing includes the work I do to advance the healing of others.”

    Another challenge with individual therapy is ways in which patients often try to avoid, subconsciously, talking about the very things that drive their problems. While he might catch some of these self-protective tendencies, he recognized that he won’t catch them all. “There will be places where we have common blindspots,” he said. “Because it’s not that tough to fool one person. But put you in a room with seven other brains, and it is really difficult for you to outflank anybody because all of the angles intended to circumvent the questions I ask are covered in a circle. And so, what the therapist doesn’t pick up, perhaps somebody else in the room does.”

    When speaking with potential members, he emphasizes that they will both give and receive help, adding, “But the way you’re going to be helpful is not with your wit and your wisdom. You’re going to be helpful by giving [community members] your vulnerability.” This isn’t about coming and receiving information to then take home and apply. Instead, it’s about a person engaging their shame by allowing others to see it.” To those who say they’d rather not do that, Thompson replied, with a note of sadness in his voice, “Right. Evil’s counting on that. Evil wants you to remain silent and alone with [your shame] so that it can continue to use it to strengthen the abscess. It will try to use it to devour you.”

    The Physics of Relational Mass Effect

    He concluded our discussion with the third way these groups create such healing and transformation. “I don’t have data on this, so I’m saying this lightly,” he said. “We don’t have enough scientific information about it. But I’ll say it this way—what I call the physics of relational mass effect. If I tell you a vulnerable story, that’s one thing. But if I tell my story to you and two other or three other people in the room at the same time, my brain is not experiencing empathy from just one other brain. It’s experiencing empathy from multiple people.” 

    After comparing a wheelbarrow to a train, both moving at three miles per hour, he said, “Shame is like a locomotive. Alone, we can’t stop it.” Tearing up, he added, “What a community does—it builds a bigger train. When I have the weight of six or seven or eight people who are saying, ‘We aren’t leaving the room. You can bring as much shame into this room as you want to. It cannot compete with us.’ That is a mind changer. That is a heart renewer. That is renewal of the brain, that is all a reflection of the first two pages of the Bible.”

    I’ve witnessed faith groups that did not handle shame well. I’ve heard numerous stories over the years of already wounded men and women who have been further hurt by the church. Therefore, I’m deeply encouraged by the work God is doing through Dr. Thompson and his team.

    Can you imagine what might happen, the healing that might occur, if everyone had the opportunity to feel completely known and deeply loved, even in their most shameful places? To have someone listen, without judgment or offering advice, and say, “I see your pain, and I’m not going anywhere”?

    Visit the Center for Being Known to learn more, and watch for my discussion with Dr. Thompson on the Faith Over Fear podcast as he discusses suffering and the formation of hope. The episode is scheduled to drop on July 30th, 2024. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com.

    As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries, she’s passionate about helping women experience Christ’s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event  and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE  and make sure to connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

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  • Building a Healthy Coparenting Relationship

    Building a Healthy Coparenting Relationship

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    Co-parenting is like a tag-team match where you and your co-parent are both in the ring, fighting for the well-being and upbringing of your kids. It’s crucial, especially when you’re aiming to raise children who are not only responsible but also rooted in faith. 

    In Proverbs 22:6, it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That’s the essence of co-parenting in a Christian context. You’re not just teaching them math and manners; you’re instilling values and faith that will guide them throughout their lives.

    Think about it this way: if you’re trying to build a sturdy house, you need a solid foundation. Similarly, if you want your children to grow up with strong morals and a deep faith, you need a solid co-parenting relationship.

    Challenges of Co-parenting

    Co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park, especially if you’re navigating the waters of divorce or separation. It’s like trying to paddle a canoe in choppy waters; there are bound to be some bumps along the way.

    Communication is key, but it can be tough when there are hurt feelings or unresolved issues lingering between you and your ex. And let’s not forget about scheduling conflicts—juggling soccer practice, piano lessons, and dentist appointments can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube in the dark!

    Then there’s the emotional toll. Seeing your children split their time between two homes can tug at your heartstrings like a sad country song. And explaining the situation to your kids? That’s a whole other ballgame. It’s like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler—challenging, to say the least.

    But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom. With patience, understanding, and a whole lot of prayer, you can overcome these challenges and build a healthy co-parenting relationship that sets a positive example for your children. It’s like planting seeds in a garden; with the right care and attention, they’ll grow into something beautiful.

    Putting God at the Center

    Putting God at the center of your co-parenting journey is like adding the strongest adhesive to a fragile bond; it holds everything together. In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus emphasizes the greatest commandments—to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. When it comes to co-parenting, your ex is still your neighbor, and loving them as yourself means prioritizing your relationship with God.

    Imagine your relationship with God as the North Star, guiding your co-parenting ship through stormy seas. When you seek His guidance and wisdom, it’s like having a seasoned navigator on board, helping you steer clear of rocky shores and treacherous waters.

    Practically speaking, this means turning to God in prayer and meditation when faced with co-parenting decisions. Instead of relying solely on your understanding, you’re tapping into a divine wisdom that surpasses human understanding.

    For example, let’s say you and your ex are at odds about your child’s education. Instead of resorting to arguments and ultimatums, you take a step back and pray for clarity and understanding. In doing so, you open your heart to God’s guidance, allowing Him to soften your stance and help you see things from a different perspective. Before you know it, you’re sitting down with your ex, calmly discussing your options and finding common ground.

    Furthermore, praying together as co-parents can be a game-changer. It’s like joining forces in a battle, knowing that you have each other’s backs. By lifting your children and your co-parenting relationship up in prayer, you’re inviting God into the midst of your struggles and triumphs, trusting Him to work miracles in your lives.

    Communication Is Key

    Effective communication in co-parenting is like oil in the gears of a well-oiled machine; it keeps everything running smoothly. In Proverbs 15:1, it says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” This verse highlights the power of gentle, respectful communication in diffusing conflict—a valuable lesson for co-parents navigating the ups and downs of raising children together.

    Think of communication as the bridge that connects you and your ex, allowing you to share important information, make joint decisions, and coordinate schedules. Without it, you’re like ships passing in the night, missing crucial opportunities to collaborate and support each other in the shared goal of raising your children.

    So, how can you develop healthy communication in your co-parenting relationship? 

    First and foremost, practice active listening. Instead of formulating your response while they’re talking, truly listen to what they’re saying, validating their feelings and concerns.

    Another tip is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. It’s like taking ownership of your feelings and experiences, rather than placing blame on your ex. For example, instead of saying, “You always forget to pick up the kids on time,” try saying, “I feel frustrated when the kids aren’t picked up on time.”

    And speaking of blame, it’s important to avoid playing the blame game altogether. Instead of focusing on past mistakes or grievances, focus on finding solutions and moving forward together. It’s like turning the page to a new chapter in your co-parenting journey, where forgiveness and grace abound.

    Lastly, communicate regularly and respectfully, even in difficult situations. Whether you’re discussing a change in visitation schedules or addressing a behavioral issue with your child, approach the conversation with kindness and understanding.

    Respecting Each Other’s Roles

    Respecting each other’s roles as parents in co-parenting is like acknowledging that each brick in a building has its unique purpose; without one, the structure wouldn’t stand. Ephesians 4:32, says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” This verse emphasizes the importance of kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness—qualities that are essential in co-parenting, whether you’re still together or not.

    When you respect each other’s roles as parents, you’re not competing for the finish line; you’re running alongside each other, cheering each other on every step of the way.

    So, how can you support and encourage each other as co-parents? 

    First and foremost, acknowledge and appreciate the unique strengths and qualities that each of you brings to the table. It’s like recognizing that you’re both valuable members of the parenting team, each contributing something special to your children’s lives.

    For example, let’s say your ex is great at helping with homework, while you excel at planning fun weekend activities. Instead of feeling threatened or inadequate, celebrate each other’s strengths and work together to create a balanced approach to parenting. It’s like weaving a tapestry of love and support, with each thread adding to the beauty of the whole.

    Furthermore, avoid criticizing or undermining each other’s parenting decisions. Instead of nitpicking or second-guessing each other’s choices, focus on finding common ground and working together for the greater good of your children.

    Co-Parenting Through Conflict

    Conflict in co-parenting is like a storm brewing on the horizon; it’s bound to happen, but how you weather it makes all the difference. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus provides a blueprint for resolving conflicts within the church community, emphasizing the importance of addressing issues directly and with love. 

    Similarly, in co-parenting, facing conflicts head-on and with a spirit of compassion is key to maintaining a healthy relationship for the sake of your children.

    Acknowledge that conflicts are inevitable in co-parenting.

    Instead of sweeping issues under the rug or letting resentment simmer, address them openly and honestly, keeping the well-being of your children at the forefront of your mind.

    So, how can you navigate conflicts in a Godly manner? 

    Start by practicing humility and patience, approaching the situation with a willingness to listen and learn. It’s like laying down your pride and ego at the foot of the cross, allowing God’s grace to guide your words and actions.

    Furthermore, prioritize the well-being of your children above all else. Whether you’re negotiating visitation schedules or discussing discipline strategies, keep their needs and emotions at the forefront of your decision-making process.

    Additionally, seek common ground and compromise whenever possible. It’s important to find a middle ground where both parties feel heard and respected, rather than digging in heels and refusing to budge. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing—it’s about finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

    And finally, don’t hesitate to seek outside help if conflicts become too difficult to navigate on your own. Just as you wouldn’t hesitate to call a mechanic when your car breaks down, seeking mediation or counseling can provide valuable support and guidance when navigating the complexities of co-parenting.

    So, let us embrace conflicts as opportunities for growth and learning in the co-parenting journey. By approaching them with humility, patience, and a godly perspective, you can navigate even the stormiest of seas and emerge stronger, wiser, and more united for the sake of your children.

    Dear parents embarking on the journey of co-parenting, let me leave you with this heartfelt encouragement: trust in God’s guidance and wisdom as you navigate the twists and turns of your co-parenting relationships.

    Building a healthy co-parenting relationship isn’t always easy. It takes time, effort, and prayer. But know that every step you take, every word you speak, and every decision you make is worth it—for the sake of your children and your relationship with God.

    So, lean on Him in times of uncertainty, seek His wisdom in moments of doubt, and trust in His love to sustain you through it all. With God as your anchor, you can weather any storm and emerge stronger, more united, and more deeply rooted in faith.

    May His grace and peace be with you on this journey, guiding you ever closer to His perfect will for your lives and the lives of your precious children. Amen.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/digitalskillet

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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