Tag: bipolar disorder

In my first full-time job after finishing my master’s degree, I was put in charge a long-running project that was already years behind schedule. With strict, unrealistic timelines and insufficient resources, the project was mine to save.

I’ve always been a high achiever, so I dove right in. Despite the pressure and all the givens, I found the work highly engaging and rewarding – the perfect combination for hyperfocus.

Intense weeks turned into months. The longer I hyperfocused on the project and the more I accomplished, the more important my work became to me. It was all or nothing.

I kept up the pace for a year and a half. Then, with almost no warning, I broke.

I know what you’re thinking; it’s a classic case of burnout, right? Not exactly. You see, that burnout episode happened six years ago — and I’m still recovering from it.

Burnout by Another Name

Years after that episode, with a new job and an objectively manageable workload, I am still only able to work about 20 hours a week. I’m also highly sensitive to day-to-day work stress; some hard days can trigger depressive episodes and significant fatigue.

[Read: Rising from the Burnout — an ADHD Recovery Kit]

I finally sought help recently, and I found a therapist who specializes in ADHD. I told her my story and, I read what I could on burnout between our sessions to try to make sense of what I went through (and the effects I’m still experiencing). The more I learned, and the more I explored my burnout during therapy, the more I realized that traditional, commonly understood concepts of burnout failed to capture my experience.

What I went through, I realized, was a form of burnout that I believe affects many of us with ADHD: I call it “hyperfocus burnout.”

Digging Deeper on Hyperfocus Burnout

The World Health Organization (WHO) describes burnout as the result of chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. Here’s how the dimensions of burnout match up to my burnout experience:

• feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion (Yep)
• increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job (Not really)
• a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment (Nope)

As stressful and demanding as leading that project was, I kept going back every day, eager to see it through. I wasn’t mentally distant from my stressor — I was engaged with it. It was all I thought about, day and night. I didn’t feel a sense of ineffectiveness or a lack of accomplishment on the job. It was just the opposite; my job was its own reward, and my productivity and effectiveness increased over time, fueling a positive feedback loop.

[Read: Hyperfocus — a Blessing and a Curse]

In my mind, there was nothing to escape or recover from. Sure, I wanted things to calm down, but burnout never showed up on my radar (though others in my life could see it). That’s why it’s typical approaches — like taking breaks, reframing, and increasing rewards – wouldn’t have worked on me.

A dimension of my experience that I didn’t see reflected in my research was my intense and increasing fear of falling short on my job. As time went on, my perceived consequences for failure worsened and became unrealistic. By the end, what started as “it will be a bad look” turned into the existential “this project could end my career and leave my wife and I destitute.” I won’t deny that these irrational fears also kept me hyperfocused on my work.

Day to day, when I wasn’t working, I just felt exhausted. I’d have trouble focusing, I was forgetful, and I found it almost impossible to muster the energy required to start day-to-day tasks like cooking and cleaning. All other aspects of my life, including things I truly enjoyed, started to fade away.  Once I started working again, that exhaustion faded away, or at least I didn’t notice it.

When I did break, it was sudden — as if the branch that I had been perched on all this time had suddenly snapped, leaving me broken on the ground. From one day to the next, I could barely get out of bed. My mind was foggy, my memory was non-existent, and I couldn’t make coherent sentences, let alone work. That extreme state lasted for the next five weeks. I then spent the next five years clawing my way back, only to still be half of my former self; I worked part time and struggled to keep up with the demands of life. The effects of traditional burnout, meanwhile, apparently resolve after a few months.

Hyperfocus Burnout vs. Traditional Burnout

With the help of my therapist, here’s where I landed: Traditional burnout is triggered by a mismatch between time, demands, resources, and rewards. Symptoms occur on a spectrum and increase over time as pressure and lack of reward increase.

Hyperfocus burnout, on the other hand, is triggered only by an overabundance of pressure or demands, particularly on a high-focus activity.

In traditional burnout, there are efforts to detach and turn away from an unsustainable situation. In hyperfocus burnout, we engage and turn into the unsustainable situation. We push through until the situation ends or we break.

My therapist, who has seen her fair share of clients with ADHD who have burned out like I have, says those who reach their hyperfocus breaking point push themselves past their limits due to a strong sense of responsibility and a failure to recognize the mental and physiological strain that is accumulating to an inevitable peak.

Hyperfocus, ultimately, is just another problem with attentional shifting that characterizes ADHD. It’s why many of us will forget to eat or go the bathroom when absorbed in a task. When unchecked, hyperfocus can cause us to sacrifice many life functions in the pursuit of a particularly salient goal.

Traditional burnout, it seems, is a protective mechanism that helps a person recognize when they’re reaching their limit and are close to breaking. That mechanism failed, in my case, because of my ADHD and attention regulation challenges.

Recovering from Hyperfocus Burnout

There is another element to my story: Though I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I had gone without treatment for most of my adult life, as I had enough strategies to keep the “traditional” inattentive symptoms at bay. My therapist strongly encouraged me to start taking ADHD medication, and I’m glad she did. Medication has reduced my emotional ADHD symptoms (symptoms I hadn’t even been aware were part of ADHD). My existential fear of failure disappeared almost overnight. Stimulant medication reduced my anxiety and increased my resilience to stress; it was much more effective than the SSRI I had previously been prescribed.

All in all, starting medication allowed me to increase my working hours longer than I have in years, without sacrificing the rest of my life. Now I’m also better able to recognize instances of unhelpful hyperfocus, and I’m much more likely to disengage and use coping strategies — something I struggled to do before. Still, medication is not a fail-safe; I have to be careful about slipping back into old patterns.

I wish I knew then what I know about extreme hyperfocus. I wish I knew that it could turn into a positive feedback cycle that gets harder to escape the longer you’re in it. I wish I knew that relentless hyperfocus would break me and result in a very long and painful recovery. Maybe if I had this information, I would have listened to my wife and friends; maybe I could have helped my manager realize that I was in serious trouble, even though I was still very effective at my job and not showing the traditional (dare I say, neurotypical) signs of burnout. Maybe I could have prevented my hyperfocus burnout.

Extreme Burnout and ADHD Hyperfocus: Next Steps

This piece was a joint effort between Matt and his psychologist, Dr. Petra Hoggarth. Based in Christchurch, New Zealand, Dr. Hoggarth specializes in adult ADHD assessment and therapy.

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I never thought I’d have a life-changing revelation in the cereal aisle at Walmart, but that’s exactly what happened. As I tried to decide which breakfast option to buy, my thoughts went something like this:

I don’t know what to get.

I really want Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

But I can’t get that. I should get the Special K.

Shoulds and musts are instilled in us from the time we are very little. Some of these rules are valuable. Others are more arbitrary, but they still end up governing our lives as rules. In this case, I had made a rule dictating which cereals I can and can’t buy.

That’s when it hit me.

Wait, there are no rules! I can buy what I want. I can do what I want!

ADHD Motto #1: There Are No Rules

My Walmart moment may not seem like a big deal, but it was an epiphany to me. You see, growing up, my parents taught me very specific ways of doing just about everything. From folding towels to emptying the dishwasher, everything had to be completed a certain way, which was both helpful and harmful. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult that I understood why I struggled so much to keep up with my everyone else’s rules and norms.

[Read: My 25 Rules for Life — a Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation]

Living — or trying to live — by rules set by neurotypical brains is one of the most frustrating aspects of living with ADHD. Worse than that, we don’t always recognize what’s happening — that we’re beating ourselves up for stumbling over rules that don’t work for our neurodivergent brains.

After that Walmart moment, and with an understanding of how my brain works, I constantly remind myself that there are no rules. There is no “right” way to do a thing. There’s only the way that works for me.

How many trash cans should I have in my office? There are no rules — as many as I need. Do I have to fold my clothes before putting them away? No. There are no rules.

ADHD Motto #2: Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Poorly

Hold on, perfectionists — stay with me here.

My second motto came from a post I saw on social media, which reads in part: “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.”

[Read: Intention Deficit Disorder — Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action]

I don’t have to tell you that getting things started is immensely difficult for ADHD brains. There’s overwhelm, for one, and then there’s fear of failure, all of which can keep us at a standstill, perpetuating the cycle of exhaustion we tend to create.

But this motto gave me permission to do what I can and forget about the big finish line. To me, this motto helped me see that getting 10% of a task done is better than getting none of it done.

Maybe I absolutely cannot bring myself to do all the dishes — but I can do the glasses, only. Laundry is exhausting — but I can focus on folding just my shorts. No, I cannot write a 40-page paper right now, but I can jot down some ideas. By giving myself permission to do a little at a time, I actually reduced my stress and increased my productivity.

Adopting the Two Mottos for Your Life

These mottos have helped me practice self-compassion and affirm my own neurodiversity.

Embracing the fact there are no rules, and that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, helped me adapt and learn to accept things as they happen, not as someone else says they should.

But in my own work helping adults with ADHD, I hear a few concerns when I share these mottos with my clients. Mostly, my clients worry that they’ll spin out of control if they become too self-compassionate — that being hard on themselves is the only thing keeping their lives in check. I’ve been there, and I know that this black-and-white form of thinking keeps us trapped.

Start with these four steps to work toward living with more self-compassion. Perhaps you’ll use these mottos or develop a few of your own:

1. Watch for patterns. Which tasks do you frequently struggle to get done? Where do you find the most resistance and hot spots in your life?
2. Troubleshoot with your brain in mind. Time to get creative. Do you struggle to put away your clothes? I’ve seen some people replace their hangers with S-hooks, or even install a pegboard in their Does trash pile up on your desk? Move your trash can within arm’s reach.
3. Break down daunting tasks. Think smaller steps and remember my second motto. If breaking down a big task is difficult in itself, use a tool like Magic ToDo – GoblinTools to break it down for you. (Seriously, it’s fantastic.)
4. Remember, there’s always tomorrow. There will be days when we can’t get everything (or anything) done. Those are the days when we need to talk to ourselves as we would to our best friend. We didn’t get everything done that we wanted to, and that’s OK — we can try again

Personal Mottos for ADHD: Next Steps

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The day before our wedding, the entire city of Sydney became blanketed by heavy red dust. I woke up coughing, I could taste dirt in my mouth, and my bedroom was filled with a rusty glow.“Of course the bloody apocalypse would happen the day before my wedding,” I thought to myself. “I bet my fiancé has been raptured while I was left behind!”

Catastrophizing is normal for me. It’s part anxiety, part comedic coping mechanism. When my fiancé woke to the dust, he just wondered where it came from and thought about washing the car.Though we both have ADHD and had been diagnosed as adults, our general outlook and ways of functioning are wildly different. We are chalk and cheese; I’m the hyperactive type and he’s the inattentive type, which makes for an interesting union, to say the least. But we continue to make it work after all these years (14 and counting at the time of writing). It all comes down to three vital keys.

Key #1: Never Go to Sleep Angry

A lot happens when two adults share a life — and a condition that causes countless frustrations. We’re both forgetful, albeit in different ways. He immediately forgets about his keys if he sets them down. While I can remember where my keys are, I don’t always remember what time it is, even if I’ve just checked, or where I am when I’m driving, even on a familiar route.

[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

We also struggle in social settings. In our early days especially, my husband — who had lots of trouble reading facial expressions, keeping up with fast-paced conversation, and even stringing a sentence together — would often withdraw from others. While he was unable to tell when people were making fun of him, I was acutely aware of others’ mocking undertones and uncomfortable shifts in the conversation, all of which set my rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and anxiety into overdrive. I felt the need to overcompensate during lulls in conversation and fill the silence with inappropriate babbling and outrageous antics. I’d drink alcohol to try to manage my intense social anxiety, but all it did was make me even more intense, hyperactive, and hypersensitive.

It can be tempting to cast blame when our individual challenges invariably come up and affect both of us. But no matter what our day has been like, we agreed from the very beginning of our marriage that we would never go to sleep angry at each other.

This doesn’t mean that we have long conversations into the night to reach resolve. It simply means that we’ve made the choice to push past shame and blame to say we love each other, no matter what. All hurts and misunderstandings do not change how much we love one another.

Key #2: Always Be Willing to Learn — and to Let Things Go

Learning about our unique ways of functioning has been so helpful in our marriage. We do our best to help each other in our respective trouble spots in day-to-day living. That has meant learning to let the little things go.

[Read: Yeah, We Both Have ADHD — and It’s a Marriage Made in Heaven!?]

There is one clutter-free, easy-access key holder in our home. Sometimes, my husband’s keys don’t make it to the took and land on a nearby table — where they’re bound to end up under a pile of mail. If I see his keys on the table, I put them in the key hook rather than give him a hard time for forgetting. And life runs a little more smoothly for both of us that day.

In social settings, my husband has worked hard to pick up on signs that my social anxiety is kicking in. He checks in with me and firmly puts his hand on my shoulder or back to ground me. He reminds me to take a walk or remove myself from the stressful situation. More often than not, these strategies ease me back to present. When they don’t work, he doesn’t push it. But later, we reflect on what happened and how we can both try to do things differently next time. Then, we move on.

Key #3: Never Stop Laughing Together

The benefits of laughter and of having a sense of humor are well-known. Somehow, throughout our marriage, we’ve had an innate ability to find joy in the hardest of circumstances. Laughter is our reset button. (That’s why it’s hard for us to go to bed angry at each other.) We have literally laughed in the middle of heated arguments (usually at how ridiculous we are behaving), the result being instant tension and stress relief.

Our Personal Key: Don’t Say The ‘D’ Word

Many Ds have been unearthed in our relationship: diagnosis, depression, deficit, disorder, dysfunction, dysregulation, dyscalculia, and the list goes on. But we decided from the beginning that one particular ‘D’ word was never going to be on the table: Divorce.

That word is not hidden up the back of the junk drawer, waiting to be pulled out and thrown into an argument like a gaslit weapon. Sure, there are painful spaces in our relationship that cause us to withdraw, defend, attack, or drag up the muddy waters of the past. But we vowed until death — not diagnosis — do us part.

With both of us wired as fighters, we are willing to “never say die.” We’ll do everything to fight for our marriage, including holding firm to our keys (the kind we’ll never lose) and even looking for new ones. It’s hard work, but we know that our diagnoses are not a marriage death sentence. They do not define us negatively. They are what make us so strong and loving.

Happy Marriage Rules for ADHD Couples: Next Steps

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Three years ago, I launched the @domesticblisters TikTok channel to serve a neurodiverse audience. Short videos on the channel present strategies for accomplishing daily care tasks. For all the ADHD information swirling around social media, very little addresses how the simple tasks of living are sometimes the hardest for us. Cleaning, doing dishes, folding piles of laundry — these tasks are simple for most people but tend to paralyze some of us with executive functioning problems. Perhaps more difficult than the struggle to stay on top of these tasks is the immense shame we feel when we’re unable to do the things we see our peers accomplish with ease.

In my experience, this kind of shame tends to spike when we struggle with personal hygiene. How could we be so incapable? Our differences in executive functioning can create significant hurdles when it comes to the daily demands of living. And that makes hygiene routines our common kryptonite.

[Download: Free Guide to Health & Fitness: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

The ADHD brain often struggles to transform multiple mundane steps into a routine that works. So instead of forcing on yourself neurotypical routines that are doomed from the start, try adapting your daily hygiene rituals with the following four approaches:

Personal Hygiene Hacks for ADHD Brains

1. Rather than trying to adhere to a strict schedule and setting for brushing your teeth, build in flexibility so that you can care for your teeth whenever the thought strikes you. Place a toothbrush and toothpaste in multiple locations: by your kitchen sink, in your shower, in your guest bathroom, and even in your car. Because of the way ADHD motivation systems work, you are most likely to think about brushing your teeth while headed out the door (Oh no! My breath stinks!) or when randomly prompted by the sight of your toothbrush (I’m already here, so I might as well!). You might also consider keeping deodorant and a hairbrush or comb in these places.
2. If showering is too boring, try getting a waterproof speaker. A good podcast or audiobook that you save for the shower can suddenly transform an onerous chore into a decadent treat. Also, a fancy hair towel or a high-powered blow dryer can reduce time spent on your wet hair.
3. If showering aggravates your sensory aversion, consider changing your environment to mitigate this. For instance, turning on a space heater before a shower will prevent that awful cold shock you feel when exiting the tub or shower. Using a soft and gentle towel also typically helps.
4. Create a hygiene kit for the days you skip a shower or bath. You deserve to be clean and comfortable; there is more than one way to get that done. A little bag with deodorant, dry shampoo, body wipes, and mouthwash can be kept in multiple locations in your home and car.

Maintaining good hygiene is important to your health, so get creative and find what works for your unique brain.

How to Keep House While Drowning – with ADHD: Next Steps

KC Davis, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist and the author of How to Keep House While Drowning.

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“You’re going to do great things!”
“You have so much potential!”
“You’re so talented. I see great things in your future!”

So many people in my life have directed various versions of these well-meaning yet anxiety-inducing, expectation-laden comments to me during every phase of my academic career. As a gifted child, I felt as though I could succeed and, at the same time, as if I had to… or I would be letting everyone down.This black-and-white way of thinking did get me to check off a list of great accomplishments:

• first in my family to graduate college, go on to complete a masters, and start a doctoral program
• a successful career
• financially independent since age 18

But hidden in these accomplishments are the many, many struggles and failures I encountered along the way:

• flunking out my freshman year of college
• being asked to resign from a job for an error in judgment I made
• flunking out of my Ph.D. program due to being unable to complete assignments
• piling on credit card debt

I eventually learned that my setbacks — so confusing and contrary to my successes — were actually due to undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD. I was twice exceptional (or 2e) all this time, and I had no idea.

[Read: I Grew Up Gifted and Autistic — and Suffered the Burnout of Twice Exceptionality]

My undergraduate transcript is a wonderful example of my interest-based nervous system. I had As and Bs in classes within my major, but failed yoga (which likely had to do with my impulsive, oppositional streak).

Perspective Shift: From Never Enough to Good Enough

At the age of 29, I came to the realization that my life is my own, and while the approval of others is nice, I would never feel content if I continued to chase it. I made the conscious decision to let go of “greatness” as defined by others and to start experiencing life as it came to me.

Letting go of greatness freed me up to be content with where I am currently, instead of always trying to do more or be better. I still have personal and professional goals, but these goals are now based on my values rather than the values of other people.

My shift from “not good enough” to “good enough” has changed my self-view from lazy, unmotivated, and stubborn to efficient, understanding, and passionate.

[Read: “Twice Exceptional Is a Cruel Double-Edged Sword”]

Now I am:

• enrolled in a doctoral program to advance MY learning and knowledge
• in a job I can see myself in long-term, with opportunities to advance or switch it up, if I choose
• writing this blog from a house that I own after paying down my debt

I don’t believe any of this would’ve been possible if I hadn’t made the choice to live life for me, instead of an image I could never realistically attain. I’ve found a specialty I love and a life that finally feels sustainable.

How to Live for Yourself

If you are 2e like me, or if you see yourself in my story, start living life for you with these steps:

1. Clearly identify your current values. Your personal values will come to define and frame everything else you do in life.
2. Set at least one goal for each value. They can be as broad or as specific as you like. For example, if you value family, how will you commit to spending more time with them?
3. Let go of the constant pursuit of greatness. If you are always thinking of where you could or should be, it only robs you of the ability to appreciate who and where you are now.
4. Foster self-compassion. You are a multi-faceted person. Your worth is not directly measured by your productivity or your achievements.

2e and How to Live for Yourself: Next Steps

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