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Tag: bids

  • Sliding Door Moments: The Holidays

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    “Sliding Door Moments” are the words or gestures communicated to others that—despite seeming inconsequential—deeply affect the most important relationships in our lives.

    In the fluster of the holiday season, sliding door moments are easy to miss. When multitasking, you can’t concentrate adequately on any one thing. You lose sight of what is important. Opportunities for intimacy glide away.

    Busying yourself trying to make the holidays perfect for everyone,  it’s easy to let sliding door moments slide right by. When you are stressed, you keep interactions short in an effort to take care of business. However, what you succeed in doing instead is cutting connections with loved ones. You stop turning towards.

    When turning towards becomes a rare occurrence, Negative Sentiment Override. This is illustrated in endless variations on the theme of family dysfunction in holiday movies. Why is all of this happening?

    To begin with, many people feel awkward openly sharing their desires. The holidays, a stressful time for many, often exacerbate this anxiety. In the setting of a family reunion, people might feel uncomfortable voicing their deepest wishes.

    As the prospect of rejection is unappealing, family members may say something quietly or not say anything at all. They may say something without words. You may find this exasperating. They are not trying to be unhelpful. The sliding door moment slips away, and they remain silent.

    What can you do to avoid this painful mess?

    You can set a positive example. Whether you want to build and strengthen individual relationships or encourage healthy group dynamics, your best bet is to be attentive and supportive, especially towards those who have trouble vocalizing their needs. To create an environment welcoming of bids, you have to build trust, demonstrating to others that their bids will be recognized and responded to.

    Turning towards others and giving people individual attention can go a long way to making everyone feel more comfortable. This environment can be made safe enough to welcome bids and create great potential for connection.

    Be on the look-out for sliding door moments and take advantage of them whenever possible. Remember to turn towards and connect with those you love.

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    Ellie Lisitsa

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  • Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

    Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

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    Small things often. If you follow The Gottman Institute, you’ve heard this and hopefully committed it to memory.  Although grand gestures are nice, the particles of your day-to-day interactions maintain positive feelings and regard for the ones you love. 

    The Gottmans taught us that bids are the building blocks of healthy relationships. They are those meaningful daily endeavors when you invite your partner into your world and ask to enter theirs.  Bids help you to connect and differentiate your familial relationships from those that you have with strangers at the market and the post office.  Bids deepen your relationship.

    The absence of bids leads to emotional disengagement, loneliness, and in many cases either break-up or unhappiness.  No one typically sets out to turn away from their loved ones’ bids. You certainly don’t want to turn against by rejecting bids outright, but it happens often.  

    Cell phones, books, laptops, naps, current events, stress… There is always something else to do or something else that captures your attention. But like most things, you have a choice.  Do you continue to scroll through social media or watch your favorite reality TV villain?  If you do, you are at risk of being crowned as a “bid busters.”

    You may miss the important interactions that are occurring right in front of you. Displaying the inattention that leaves your loved ones feeling ignored or rejected when they are vying to be the apple of your eye? That is busting their bid. Repeatedly being ignored or rejected when they try to connect with you by sharing a story, a touch, or a laugh will lead the bidding to stop. 

    Busting bids puts you on the road to detachment, distance, and even destruction.  Ask yourself, are you busting bids? Are you hurting those who you want to love and want to love you?

    It takes a great deal of vulnerability to say, “Hey, look at me, I need you.” So, the ask is typically more subtle.  A text here, a pout there, a long sigh, all ways of reaching out with a yearning for you to turn toward them.

    What do you do in those moments? Here’s a personal example. Raising boys that are 11 and 12 revealed that they can talk for hours about Roblox, Anime, or the latest Marvel movie, none of which interest me in the least.  I can honestly think of 1000 things that would capture my attention more.   Being a psychologist, of course, I want to talk about their feelings, how they see their future, and their take on the politics of the country. According to me, that’s the good stuff, the stuff that stellar mother-son relationships are made of. But is that me turning towards them, or am I always forcing them to turn towards me?

    It’s easy to pay attention to the things that interest you, but you have the opportunity to show more love when you step out of your box. So now I can proudly say that I know more about Legendary Dragon Fruit, One Piece, and the Avengers than I thought possible.  I learned that it’s the connection that matters, not so much the subject. 

    This also applies to my relationship with my husband.  He can talk for days about computer hacking, C++, cybersecurity, and app development.  Meanwhile, I’m just trying to make sure that I don’t accidentally share my Google Doc folder with the world.  Technology is not my interest, but as I turn towards him, he has begun to also be intentional about turning toward me.  Because of this, our relationship grows richer every day.   

    Attention, intention, interest, and curiosity are the antidotes to bid busters.  Practicing this will make all the difference in your relationships.  If you mind it, it matters.  Mind your relationships and watch them bloom.   

    The Gottman Relationship Adviser takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

    The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. More than 40 years of research with thousands of couples proves a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

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    Satira Streeter

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  • Why Turning Against Your Partner’s Bids Is So Harmful

    Why Turning Against Your Partner’s Bids Is So Harmful

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    When two people have been in a committed relationship for a long time, a certain sense of familiarity develops.  If the partners in this relationship have lost the feeling of closeness, romance, or sexual attraction, that sense of familiarity can turn negative.  What resembles a marriage without romance, sexual energy, or intimacy?  A sibling or roommate relationship. 

    Negative Sentiment Override

    In this kind of ‘sibling’ relationship, partners regularly experience interactions that feel competitive, challenging, and unproductive.  Both partners may feel reactive, judgmental, and frustrated with their communication and each partner prepares for battle in every conversation.  In the Gottman research, repeated experiences of negative encounters contributes to an environment characterized by negative sentiment override or NSO. 

    Think of NSO as the weather of a relationship.  When there is positive sentiment override, the weather of the relationship feels warm and welcoming, it invites connection and safety. We have more grace for our partner’s mistakes, and we feel compassion for them which helps us forgive their mistakes.  When the relationship is in NSO, the environment feels like stormy weather, with darkness and impending doom. Couples are more likely to perceive agenda and judgment in their communication and are hypervigilant for slights and digs. They are more likely to blame and assume defects in their partner, and not have as much compassion or forgiveness resulting in responding harshly to each other.

    Repeated experiences

    A common way for couples to get into NSO is from daily or small repeated experiences of feeling rejected or responded to harshly when one person tries to bid for the other person’s attention. A bid is any gesture, verbal or nonverbal, that asks for your partner’s support, affection or attention. The Gottman research showed that in satisfying relationships, partners were turning towards each other 86% of the time.  In relationships that were headed towards dissolution, partners were turning towards each other 33% of the time.  This dramatic difference speaks to the impact that bids have on the atmosphere within a relationship.  It is the small things we do with and for our partners every day that carry the most weight in the quality of a relationship and how we perceive our partner.

    How We Respond to Bids

    The way we respond to our partner’s bids is not just impactful in the moment; it can have long lasting consequences.  In relationships characterized by frequent bids and turning towards, the partners feel cared for, important to each other, and seen and heard by their partner.  Attachment research suggests that feeling seen and heard are two important variables in secure relationships.  When partners regularly turn away or turn against their partner’s bid they experience a lack of safety, closeness, romance, and sex.  Repeated experiences of turning away generates feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and isolation.  Partners in these relationships stop bidding for connection, turn away from each other even during positive moments, start living parallel lives and may eventually divorce.

    The damage from this cycle

    Repeated experiences of our partner turning against our bids has an even more harmful effect.  In the short term,  the partner whose bid was turned against might go silent and stop bidding as often.  On the outside, the partners may exist in a tense impasse where they avoid creating any conflict.  But on the inside something significant begins to change.  We tend to experience a turning against as a rejection.  Over time, this leads to internal feelings of fear or hostility, as well as resentment and judgment.  Partners begin to silently “trash” their partners in their heads instead of cherishing them, or perceive their partners are selfish, rude, disrespectful or a whole host of other labels.  Partners might diagnose or label their partner’s personalities which is rarely useful or productive in a relationship.

    Why turning against your partner’s bids is so harmful

    The internal dialogue of devaluing our partners might not be evident in our behavior and the relationship may appear stable while underneath there is a bubbling volcano.  When conflict erupts, and it eventually does, even a minor trigger can unleash pent up resentment, hostility, and judgment which becomes the fuel for an explosion of anger and contempt.  The partners may be shocked and crushed by the intensity of the vitriol directed at them and not recognize that the frequent moments of turning against have built up into anger and resentment.  Couples in this pattern also find that their fights become more frequent, last longer, and are harder to repair or recover from. 

    How we respond to our partners on a daily basis in daily interactions matters a great deal.  We may not be aware of how we are taking our frustrations or stress out on our partners by turning against their bids. However, by developing a conscious awareness and making the choice to be kind, respectful, and receptive to our partner’s bids the relationship can improve. This change is absolutely critical not only for the health of our relationships but also our individual health and well being.

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    Vagdevi Meunier

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  • Small Actions Make Big Impacts

    Small Actions Make Big Impacts

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    ‘Small things often’ is Dr. John Gottman’s motto which refers to the impact of everyday small actions on the wellbeing and longevity of your relationship.

    Certified Gottman Therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT discussed this idea in a recent webinar for The Gottman Institute. She begins with the concept of ‘bids’ which are any gesture that signals a need for connection. It can be verbal or non-verbal, and Dr. John Gottman describes them as ‘the fundamental unit of emotional connection’.

    Panganiban says that there are different ways to respond to a partner’s bid.

    • Turning toward which means that you notice the bid and respond positively to your partner.
    • Turning away which means that you miss the bid and are unresponsive to your partner.
    • Turning against which means that you notice the bid and respond negatively.

    Happy, stable couples turn toward 86% of the time while couples that end up separating only turn toward about 33% of the time.

    Feedback Cycle

    There is a feedback cycle that starts to develop based on the responses to bids. Here is what they can look like:

    Turn towards

    • Every time you turn toward your partner, you are creating security and connection.
    • This makes your partner feel safe in making more bids. 
    • As you continue to turn toward, bids continue to increase. 

    Turn away/against

    • Anytime you turn away or against your partner, they feel rejected/unimportant. 
    • When these pile up, they begin to question whether or not you will be responsive.
    • Bids decline, and you begin to feel disconnected.

    How to increase small things often

    • Pay attention and tune into your partner’s needs for attention 
    • See your partner’s bids as an opportunity to connect
    • Turn toward in meaningful ways
    • Prioritize the relationship and minimize distractions (especially technology and social media)
    • If you miss a bid, acknowledge it and apologize

    The importance of rituals

    Once you have started to notice bids in your relationship, you can start developing rituals with your partner. That way you don’t always have to wait for bids to happen spontaneously. When you build in moments of connection and ritualize them, you can count on connecting with your partner on a daily basis. Here are Panganiban’s suggested rituals that can easily be implemented and integrated into your daily routine.

    1. Partings and 6 second kiss: Don’t leave the house without knowing one interesting thing that is going to happen in your partner’s day. Give each other a 6 second kiss…now that’s a kiss with possibilities!
    2. Admiration and Appreciation: Build a positive habit of mind and say appreciations out loud.
    3. Affection: Examples are hugging, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, giving each other a massage. Affection can trigger the release of oxytocin, the ‘cuddle’ hormone associated with feeling good.
    4. Reunions and the stress reducing conversation: Create a ‘couple bubble’ where you have space to talk about a stressful situation. Let the speaker share their external (to the relationship) stressors, and the listener empathizes with their partner’s emotions. They reflect, ask questions, and take their partner’s side.
    5. Date night: Use this time to build love maps. Do not talk about the kids, work or household responsibilities! It doesn’t have to be elaborate but take turns planning and be creative.

    Next steps

    Start slowly, it’s not a race. Do not expect perfection. Remember small actions make big impacts! If you are struggling, please seek the guidance of a Gottman trained therapist. Check out the Gottman Relationship Coach!

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    Kendra Han

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  • Future Enterprises’ RP invites EoIs for resolution

    Future Enterprises’ RP invites EoIs for resolution

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    The resolution professional for Future Enterprises has invited expressions of interest for its resolution, the last date for such submissions being June 25.

    Future Enterprises, which was admitted for bankruptcy proceedings on February 27, has three major manufacturing plants in Bengaluru and Maharashtra. Its total assets are valued at ₹715 core, including land, buildings and vehicles. It also has leased retail infrastructure to Future Retail and Praxis Home Retail, the value of which is ₹2,737 crore, according to the EoI filing.

    The EoI document lists three categories of prospective resolution applicants and their financial eligibility criteria.

    Under Category A are non-financial institutions — corporates, partnerships, trusts, government organisations, limited liability partnerships and Individuals — who should have a minimum tangible net worth of ₹100 crore. They can also satisfy the criteria at a ‘group’ level.

    Category B PRAs are financial institutions — investment companies, asset management companies, alternative investment funds, fund houses, private equity investors, NBFCs and ARCs. In this category, the PRAs need to have minimum AUM or committed funds available for investment, deployment in Indian companies or Indian assets of least ₹200 crore and for ARCs, minimum net owned funds of ₹1,000 crore.

    The third category of applicants is those submitting EoI as a consortium. The overall consortium should have a tangible net worth of at least ₹crore or AUM of at least ₹200 crore. The consortium can comprise applicants who satisfy the eligibility criteria of categories A or B.

    Lenders have claimed dues of ₹15,820 crore from the company while other claims amount to ₹140 crore. Future Enterprises functions as a holding company of Kishore Biyani’s Future Group and has a stake in group companies such as Future Supply Chain and Future Generali. It also develops, owns and leases retail infrastructure for the group. Future Retail, Future Supply Chain and Future Lifestyle Fashions are also undergoing bankruptcy proceedings.

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