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Tag: authenticity in relationships

  • Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    Rock Solid Marriage | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    If you’re married, you’ve probably figured out that marriage isn’t always easy.  And it’s not supposed to be.  Like anything, time comes with changes; shifts within the individual, relationship movement and external life events.  As the honeymoon phase of a relationship gets further away in the rear view mirror, it’s important for the long term stabilizing factors like respect, friendship, commitment and common goals to kick in.  When work, family and other obligations stress the system, it’s crucial to remember to prioritize the relationship itself in the form of date nights, quality time spent together, intimacy and physical connection (even small but consistent micro-doses can be like glue that keeps the marriage connected).

    For me, the most critical aspect of having a rock solid marriage (or long term relationship), is emotional safety within the relationship.  Both must feel they can fully emotionally rely on each other and have a collaborative spirit in how they approach things.  There is also a felt sense of authenticity between them.  In my couples therapy practice, this is one of the first things I’m looking for, to assess whether they are still on the same team or have been compromised by a lack of emotional safety.  A marriage is in trouble if it has become adversarial and emotional safety must be re-established.  If too much time has passed in the emotionally unsafe zone, it can be really challenging for the couple to trust each other or be open at all to change.

    Aside from emotional safety, some very wise people who have studied healthy marriages and also work in the field have a lot to offer around critical things to consider when it comes to having a rock solid marriage.

    According to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” there are a slew of psychological “tasks” a good marriage are tasked to complete.  Here are some of them:

    • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
    • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
    • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
    • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
    • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.

    Stan Tatkin, PsyD and founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), says it’s also important for each person to identify their attachment styles to build a stronger relationship.  This is particularly important for those who have a history of not being able to depend on important people in their lives as the adult intimate relationship can bring up the fears and coping strategies adopted around those earlier situations.  Learning how these patterns interact with each other, without judgment of either, leads to greater understanding of how to grow and heal within the relationship.

    Other helpful tips from Dr. Tatkin include:

    • Be a detective and share what works and doesn’t work for your partner.
    • Make agreements to repair when the other is triggered to relieve distress.
    • Establish a “couple bubble” which is like a container for your marriage.

    John Gottman, PhD, is also another researcher and advocate of healthy relationships.  His work studying couples in a lab setting and slew of published books has contributed much to what we know about satisfying and successful relationships.  A few of Dr. Gottman’s most notable nuggets are his “7 principles” of successful married couples:

    • They manage conflict.
    • They accept each other’s influence.
    • They express fondness and admiration for each other.
    • They stay aware of each other’s worlds.
    • They turns towards each other (vs away).
    • They solve problems that are solvable.
    • They create shared meaning.

    If you’d like a rock solid marriage, the above concepts, including emotional safety, creating a couple bubble and principles of the most successful couples can point you in the right track.

    If you have a specific relationship question, I offer Relationship Consultations via e-mail.

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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  • How to Reset, Renew and Find Yourself | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    How to Reset, Renew and Find Yourself | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    A lot has happened societally over the last several years.  People have had to wrestle with numerous challenges and adapt.  And still now many are contemplating where we are and what it means moving forward.  When there is a lot of change, challenge and angst, it’s normal to be introspective around how you fit in.  It can also be a silver lining moment to be unexpectedly led to consider the things that would create a chance for more personal happiness and life satisfaction.

    What’s important?

    What’s not?

    Who is important?

    Who is emotionally draining?

    Who are your people?

    What and who deserves your sacred time?

    How do you want to be?

    What no longer serves you?

    It may seem like a lot to think about and in many ways it is but if you find yourself feeling internally led to change, there’s probably good reason for it.  Perhaps there is space opening for you to go deeper within, to understand who you are, what really matters and make adjustments.

    If you are ready for a reset or renewal here are some steps.

    Notice.  Pay attention to your thoughts and emotional response to your environment, the people around you and what brings you joy.  Take note of things that don’t feel in alignment.  Highlight the things that do or even things you’d like to have or do in your life.

    The act of “noticing” is not not natural to all but it can be a developed skill.  When you notice, there is more space for awareness, curiosity and presence.  It also is a seed for change.

    Ponder.  When you make time to reflect and be curious, you set the stage for living with more authenticity in relationships (and with self),  with intention and in alignment with you.  Many actually live in other spaces; in their automatic reactions without thoughtfulness, in a lack of awareness of what they want, need or their impact on others.  And some don’t fully connect the dots if they are in spaces that aren’t ultimately serving them well.

    The ability to ponder on all of these things further expands the potential for shifts.

    Lean in to change.  When you’re clear that you need a reset, the next step is to start practicing doing things differently.  This could mean a million different things for people but this could include more often saying “no” when you feel “no,” sleeping more if you need it, less alcohol if you want to move away from a drinking lifestyle, putting more energy into higher quality connections…and less to relationships that feel empty or unsatisfying.

    Making changes can be met with resistance by others who may be invested in seeing you the same way, for whatever reason.  Stay the course, especially if your changes are not harmful to others.  If you don’t value and respect your inner wisdom, who will?

    Let go of guilt and shame.  Whether or not people respond negatively to your growth, your job is to address any inappropriate guilt or shame around your journey to find yourself.  Let go of any false beliefs around how you’re “supposed” to be (likely starting from your family of origin experiences).

    Prior experiences drive much of human behavior so it’s important to get clear on what shaped you; what has served you well and what has not.  You can change direction at any time in your life.

    Check in with yourself.  As you’re doing the work of getting into deeper touch with who you are and how you want to be in this world, periodically ask yourself how it feels.  Do you notice more joy?  Do you care less about what others think about how you’ve changed?  As you make more authentic and valuable connections with people, you will find this is not an issue.

    Remember this: You are a work in progress.

    Subtle indicators of internal distress can become a louder voice prompting you to be in better alignment with your true self.  The more you can embrace these moments and respond accordingly, the more authenticity and inner peace you will find, allowing you to find others who are in a similar place.  They are out there.

    How do researchers define authenticity?

    According to the piece, Authenticity, on PsychologyToday.com, there are four attributes:
    1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one’s own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
    2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame.
    3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
    4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.

    And even if you remain connected with people in your life who appear less interested in this path, you can still meet them where they are, as you wish.  Perhaps it will be with less emotional attachment and understanding that they are doing what is comfortable for them and if/when they feel differently, perhaps they will go on a similar journey.  Or not.

    There are many reasons that people choose to live with less connection to their authentic selves.  And they may even appear to be less interested in connecting authentically with others.  But, their journey is theirs.

    If something feels off for you internally and you are feeling intuitive encouragement to change, listen!  YOU are the most important expert on YOU.  Perhaps your authentic self is trying to get your attention, for good reason.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link

  • How to Reset, Renew and Find Yourself | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    How to Reset, Renew and Find Yourself | LoveAndLifeToolBox

    A lot has happened societally over the last several years.  People have had to wrestle with numerous challenges and adapt.  And still now many are contemplating where we are and what it means moving forward.  When there is a lot of change, challenge and angst, it’s normal to be introspective around how you fit in.  It can also be a silver lining moment to be unexpectedly led to consider the things that would create a chance for more personal happiness and life satisfaction.

    What’s important?

    What’s not?

    Who is important?

    Who is emotionally draining?

    Who are your people?

    What and who deserves your sacred time?

    How do you want to be?

    What no longer serves you?

    It may seem like a lot to think about and in many ways it is but if you find yourself feeling internally led to change, there’s probably good reason for it.  Perhaps there is space opening for you to go deeper within, to understand who you are, what really matters and make adjustments.

    If you are ready for a reset or renewal here are some steps.

    Notice.  Pay attention to your thoughts and emotional response to your environment, the people around you and what brings you joy.  Take note of things that don’t feel in alignment.  Highlight the things that do or even things you’d like to have or do in your life.

    The act of “noticing” is not not natural to all but it can be a developed skill.  When you notice, there is more space for awareness, curiosity and presence.  It also is a seed for change.

    Ponder.  When you make time to reflect and be curious, you set the stage for living with more authenticity in relationships (and with self),  with intention and in alignment with you.  Many actually live in other spaces; in their automatic reactions without thoughtfulness, in a lack of awareness of what they want, need or their impact on others.  And some don’t fully connect the dots if they are in spaces that aren’t ultimately serving them well.

    The ability to ponder on all of these things further expands the potential for shifts.

    Lean in to change.  When you’re clear that you need a reset, the next step is to start practicing doing things differently.  This could mean a million different things for people but this could include more often saying “no” when you feel “no,” sleeping more if you need it, less alcohol if you want to move away from a drinking lifestyle, putting more energy into higher quality connections…and less to relationships that feel empty or unsatisfying.

    Making changes can be met with resistance by others who may be invested in seeing you the same way, for whatever reason.  Stay the course, especially if your changes are not harmful to others.  If you don’t value and respect your inner wisdom, who will?

    Let go of guilt and shame.  Whether or not people respond negatively to your growth, your job is to address any inappropriate guilt or shame around your journey to find yourself.  Let go of any false beliefs around how you’re “supposed” to be (likely starting from your family of origin experiences).

    Prior experiences drive much of human behavior so it’s important to get clear on what shaped you; what has served you well and what has not.  You can change direction at any time in your life.

    Check in with yourself.  As you’re doing the work of getting into deeper touch with who you are and how you want to be in this world, periodically ask yourself how it feels.  Do you notice more joy?  Do you care less about what others think about how you’ve changed?  As you make more authentic and valuable connections with people, you will find this is not an issue.

    Remember this: You are a work in progress.

    Subtle indicators of internal distress can become a louder voice prompting you to be in better alignment with your true self.  The more you can embrace these moments and respond accordingly, the more authenticity and inner peace you will find, allowing you to find others who are in a similar place.  They are out there.

    How do researchers define authenticity?

    According to the piece, Authenticity, on PsychologyToday.com, there are four attributes:
    1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one’s own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
    2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame.
    3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
    4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.

    And even if you remain connected with people in your life who appear less interested in this path, you can still meet them where they are, as you wish.  Perhaps it will be with less emotional attachment and understanding that they are doing what is comfortable for them and if/when they feel differently, perhaps they will go on a similar journey.  Or not.

    There are many reasons that people choose to live with less connection to their authentic selves.  And they may even appear to be less interested in connecting authentically with others.  But, their journey is theirs.

    If something feels off for you internally and you are feeling intuitive encouragement to change, listen!  YOU are the most important expert on YOU.  Perhaps your authentic self is trying to get your attention, for good reason.

    2

    Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

    Source link