Tag: Amy Dickinson

Dear Readers: To mark my final week writing this column, I’m re-running some memorable Q&As.

Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing — the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused, or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

— Protected Secret

Dear Protected: First of all — I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things all define you.

Dear Amy: My 83-year-old widowed mother is depressed, and I don’t know how to help.

She refuses to see a therapist and sees drugs as a crutch. She has always been a very private person, is generally distrustful of doctors, and would never let down her shields to a stranger.

I have told her that I am not a therapist, but she has lately begun to confide in me about things that, even as an adult, I shouldn’t be hearing.

Depression runs in the family. I have seen a therapist in the past and am on medication, so I understand and empathize, but it’s getting to the point where I dread seeing her, and yet I know that I’m her only lifeline.

How do I help her?

— Worried

Dear Worried: People sometimes start to reveal long-repressed or suppressed trauma very late in life, when — for a variety of reasons (medical, emotional, and cognitive) — their defenses are down. Studies of WWII survivors have shown that the strong and stoic “Greatest Generation” have experienced nightmares, remembered traumatic events and suffered from depression very late in life.

Quoting from one study: “In aging individuals, the classical symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not be manifest, yet considerable distress may occur in the face of re-awakened memories of traumatic experiences.”

Therapy helps. Medication helps. And yet many elders are resistant to the idea of treatment in the ways your mother is.

My first suggestion is that you should resume in-person (or telehealth) therapy right away, in order to process this burden, which is a trigger for you.

I urge you to seek healthy ways to be open and present for your mother, while resisting the temptation to try to provide answers or your own brand of therapy for her.

Dear Amy: Which is the default position regarding asking for help versus offering to help?

For instance, let’s say I’m at work and someone walks past my desk several times, carrying a big box each time.

Assuming that carrying the big box is part of their job, do I stop doing MY job to offer my assistance, just because it is the polite thing to do?

Or since the person obviously sees me each time, would the onus be on them to actually ask for help if they truly needed it? (I would gladly help, by the way.)

If I purposely look for it, I see lots of people throughout my day potentially in need of assistance (loading groceries into their car, reaching for something on a high shelf, etc).

But without them requesting help, I feel like I could be spending my days constantly helping others with their daily lives as opposed to doing the things I need to do for myself.

Is it my responsibility in polite society to assume that people in need are too shy to ask for help, and therefore I should always be offering it?

If I need help, I ask!

I know every case is different, but I’m kinda looking for a default position.

“If you want my help, just ask!”

— Passively Helpful Guy

Dear Amy: My wife and her sister “Bobbi” have stopped speaking to each other over a disagreement that has now lasted for more than two years.

Our families live on opposite coasts, so communication has always relied on phone/video calls.

During the pandemic, my wife made a particular effort to schedule video calls for our young children with their Aunt Bobbi (who they have only seen in person once or twice).

Before one such scheduled call, my wife informed Bobbi that the kids weren’t feeling well, and canceled the call. Bobbi was very upset, and what followed was an angry and hurtful exchange based on various unresolved feelings (both related and unrelated), ultimately leading to the complete and mutual estrangement.

As a consequence, no further video calls with the kids were scheduled.

Bobbi then emailed me, characterizing my wife’s half of their estrangement as “blocking her access to the kids,” and expecting me to establish for her regular communication with our children.

I found this to be awkward and unreasonable, and suggested that she make an effort to repair her relationship with her sister. However, Bobbi was insulted by this suggestion, and now she is not responding to me, either!

Silent treatment notwithstanding, Bobbi still sends messages to my email address that she intends for our children (happy birthday, etc).

I’ve replied and thanked her each time, including a civil message hoping to tee up an easy response — she hasn’t once replied to me.

I am befuddled and hurt by her expectations of maintaining a relationship with our kids, but refusing to have one with their parents.

As a result, I’ve stopped showing the emails to the kids.

Dear Amy: I am a divorced mom in my early-30s, with primary custody of my 8-year-old child.

I have been dating “Ben” for the past two years. He is a great guy and he is very good with my son.

We have been talking about getting married. He has never been married before (no kids) and I am gun-shy, to say the least.

I own my home, my son is happy, and I am trying to be extremely careful about our future.

Last week Ben took me out for a drink. He said he had something important to tell me. He confessed that he is almost $20,000 in debt. He said he is trying hard to clear his debt, but he isn’t making much progress.

I have a stable and successful career. I am extremely financially responsible and have already started saving for my son’s college education.

Ben seems under-employed. He is a relaxed, fun person. He said the debt came from purchasing a car and more recently from a ski vacation he went on with some friends.

I feel extremely uncomfortable now. I am wondering if Ben expects me to clear his debt by using some of the equity on my house. He didn’t ask me anything specific and I’m not sure how to feel or how to react to this.

Your wisdom?

— The Responsible One

Dear Responsible: Are you prepared to be a parent to “Ben,” as well as to your son? Because his choice to lay this on you without a specific plan of action seems to be a bid for you to take this on.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend’s dad is a CPA, with decades of experience. A few years ago he offered to do my taxes, due to the sudden complexity because of an inheritance — and I was using cheap software for very basic returns.

Since taking over my yearly filing he has consistently made mistakes that have cost me quite a bit of money. He left off a major account distribution one year; this should have been easily caught by him.

When I discussed the mistake with him, he never acknowledged it was due to his error, nor did he offer to pay the interest I owed.

This year, I decided to start filing my taxes again on my own. As a result, I found out he had given me incorrect advice for all of these years regarding paying my estimated taxes.

He told me it was a suggestion to pay the estimated taxes, but it’s actually required! Again, the software would have told him this and would have also given him the penalty amount I owed.

Not once did he mention the penalty I owed and it’s not on any of the returns he gave me, after filing.

I am upset and feel that he should reimburse me for these mistakes; he offered to do my taxes, he gave me incorrect advice and he never mentioned the penalties I was charged.

In fact, when I contacted him to tell him I didn’t realize I was being charged penalties all these years, I heard nothing back.

My boyfriend believes I should not ask to be reimbursed because although his dad offered to do my taxes, he never charged me for the services rendered.

I disagree. What is your opinion?

— Taxed

Dear Amy: I have a lot of hesitation about a visit by my brother and sister-in-law this summer.

They live out of state and last visited us two years ago. That visit did not go well.

My brother made a lot of negative comments about my family and our lifestyles, including how we live and where we live.

During our communication through phone calls over the years, I never really realized the negative downside of him.

I have visited him several times during the last 10 to 15 years at his home (to welcome babies) and those visits went fairly well.

During his visit with us, his attitude, comments and conversations reminded me of our father from years ago — and that is not a good thing.

He has offered to stay at a hotel, but do you have thoughts or suggestions on how I can have him stay at our home and have it maybe go better than the last visit?

We have a very small family. We want to have a good and positive relationship, but I’m not sure if that will work out.

Your advice?

— Worried Sibling

Dear Worried: You seem to want your brother and his wife to stay with you in your home, but his complaints during their last visit seemed fairly global and quite personal.

Dear Amy: “Liz” and I worked together for a short time nearly 20 years ago. She was excellent at her work and was an officer in a national organization in our field.

We have not seen one another in years. We’ve spoken on the phone one time in the last six years.

A decade ago, I spoke with an old colleague and recommended her to work at a firm I worked at 30 years ago. Liz got the job and was fired within weeks; I am not aware of the reason.

Liz has changed jobs A LOT. She apparently has difficulty holding a job, and often will send a text informing me that she has listed me as a reference for a new application.

Responding to her subsequent requests, I have answered questionnaires, spoken with Human Resources on the phone, and reached out to colleagues at various hiring firms.

Several weeks ago, she contacted me yet again, asking for a reference for a job at a preeminent firm where I have had close contacts for decades.

The position was great, interesting, and with good benefits.

She got the job, and has now lost that job.

I found this out when she texted me and told me she had given my phone number to someone at a new opportunity, who would be calling me.

My concern is not only that I am referring someone whom I haven’t worked with for many years, but I have no knowledge of her recent work, or the reasons she changes jobs so often.

In referring her to old colleagues and friends, am I messing up my own reputation when these situations don’t work out for whatever reason?

Dear Amy: I live four hours from my elderly widowed mother. I will be in her area for a week very soon doing some work, and I plan to take her for brunch on the Sunday that I am there. She does not drive. Making the arrangements, she managed to slide in, “I thought you might like to go to church with me.” Meaning: “I want you to take me to church before brunch.”

Even though I don’t disagree with the church’s teachings, I just don’t want to go.

My mother essentially would not take no for an answer.

I felt so pressured that finally I lied and said I had a meeting early that afternoon.

I feel manipulated. I would likely have accepted her request with a kinder attitude if she didn’t have a history of doing this.

The incident that stays in my mind is when my husband and I invited her out to dinner for her birthday. We were planning to make the four-hour trip to take her out.

The day before, I found out from someone else that she had, behind my back, invited my estranged sister and her husband. We ended up staying home.

Now I can’t seem to get past the idea of her tricking and manipulating me.

I’m probably angrier than I need to be. I also have a sense of guilt about the whole thing.

Do you have any advice? Should I cave in and take her to church? If I’m being hard-hearted, please tell me.

— Tricked In Illinois

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a very sweet 8-year-old son. His dad and I adore him. We’re having a great time going through life together.

Recently he has been emotional and sensitive. He has said several times that he doesn’t want to grow up. When I ask him why, he says he’ll miss all of the things we do together, like reading together before bed and cuddling with us, and doing “little boy things.”

I don’t know if I should be concerned about this, or even how to respond.

Any suggestions?

— Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned: This is a fairly common phase for children at this age, especially for sensitive and expressive kids like your son.

Some children going through this phase will ask their parents, “When I grow up, can I marry you?” This reflects their strong and loving attachment.

I remember going through this phase as a child, telling my mother that I was never going to move away from home. (As an adult, I believe this prospect would not have been on my mother’s wish list.)

I recall her response as being kind and reassuring.

Heading into adolescence can be a pretty scary prospect. Hormonally, socially, and intellectually your son is sailing into choppy waters, and even if he doesn’t know what’s ahead, on a deep level — he understands that change is on the horizon.

Ask him, “What are the things you love the very most about being a kid?”

Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.

I am often asked by friends, extended family, coworkers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or, “How are your parents?,” especially after I return from a visit home.

After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.”

These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response.

My question to you: Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer?

The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.

Follow up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond?

I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.

— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter

Dear Daughter: I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are.