SARASOTA, FL—Gasping with joy as his father revealed the graduation gift, local wealthy child Scott Hoffman thanked his parents Tuesday after they surprised him with a judge who would let him off the hook for future rape accusations. “Oh man, this is the best present ever—thank you, thank you, thank you Mom and Dad!” said an elated Hoffman, who jumped up and down, sprinted out the door of his house, and immediately began inspecting the 76-year-old state court judge who would ensure that multiple sexual assault accusations against him were dropped . “Please, please, please, can I take him for a spin? I promise I’ll be careful when I use him to get around the legal system. This is so perfect for my first year of college. Everyone’s going to be so jealous that I got one on the 12th Judicial Circuit. How did you know I wanted one that was white?” At press time, Hoffman had been grounded by his parents after he refused to share the judge with his younger brother, who had been charged with raping several classmates.
Onion Explains: The International State Of Women’s Rights Pt. 2
As the writer’s strike enters its second week, the effects of not having some of most important people on set around are already starting to show: two of the biggest projects currently in production—Marvel’s Blade reboot and the fifth season of Stranger Things—have been put on ice (along with loads more movies and shows I’ll get to in a minute).
This Wacky Magical Girl Anime Is Studio Trigger-Coded To Perfection
What’s the strike about?
Writers are deservedly fed up with loads of stuff, from the number of exploitative short-term contracts being offered in the age of streaming to low pay to poor residuals to the threat of machine-learning.
Posting on the official Twitter account of the Stranger Things writer’s room, the show’s creators, the Duffer brothers, wrote:
Duffers here. Writing does not stop when filming begins. While we’re excited to start production with our amazing cast and crew, it is not possible during this strike. We hope a fair deal is reached soon so we can all get back to work. Until then — over and out. #wgastrong
Without its writers or showrunners, production has ground to a halt. Hell yeah. Also downing tools is Marvel’s new Blade movie, which has been shut down and “will restart…production once the strike is over”.
And those two are far from the only shows and films affected. A ton of live TV, especially late night comedy programs, have already gone dark, with The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon, Late Night With Seth Meyers, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel Live!all having stopped filming.
And while networks and studios will be fine for a while coasting on material that had already been written and filmed, if the strike continues and that dries up, they’ll be in trouble. And even when the strike is over they’ll still be in trouble, because production backlogs and rescheduling will be an absolute nightmare.
Of course not every project and studio is hitting the pause button. HBO’s Game of Thrones spin-off House of the Dragon will continue filming, just without its writers, while Amazon’s second season of Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power will do likewise. Disney and HBO are among companies who have also ordered writers back to work, with the latter asking them to perform “non-writing” tasks.
The Writers Guild of America, the union calling the strike, figures that improving their member’s contracts would cost Hollywood a collective $430 million per year. There are already estimates this strike could do $2 billion worth of damage to the entertainment economy. That might seem like some easy sums, just pay these people what they’re worth, but these strikes are never about the money, they’re about control.
Solidarity with everyone manning the picket lines, and best of luck with the coming days/weeks/months.
WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me you can’t say to my face, you fake bitch?” said Xi, appearing on a behind-the-scenes feed featuring the chyron “Called U.S. President ‘Lying Hussie’,” where he could be seen breaking down in tears, smashing a mirror in the green room as aides held him back, and then rushing out to confront Biden as Congress whooped in applause. “Oh, so you can say you don’t like my spy balloon on national TV, but you don’t mention the trillion bucks you owe me, you broke-ass ho? Hey, get back here so I can beat your ass. Or run away, like you run from all our problems!” At press time, Biden had reportedly managed to calm Xi down by offering the weeping leader a box of tissues and agreeing to joint custody of Taiwan.
NEW YORK—Issuing a controversial directive regarding the city’s unhoused population, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday that New York would resume the involuntary placement of mentally ill individuals in the audience of The Tonight Show. “The safest place for these troubled New Yorkers to be is in a television studio where they can hear an opening monologue of topical jokes delivered by Jimmy Fallon,” said Adams, pushing back against critics who argued that the forcible entertainment of people with severe, untreated mental disorders was a violation of their rights, and that the long-running late-night show did not have the resources necessary to keep the city’s homeless mildly amused. “That’s why I’m authorizing police to remove the mentally ill from our streets and subways and relocate them to Rockefeller Center, where they can be tranquilized by large, regular doses of lightweight celebrity interviews. If we can just keep them applauding when the sign says ‘applause,’ then we can keep them from committing crimes.” Adams went on to acknowledge that while many in The Tonight Show’s new audience would suffer from psychological disturbances that caused them to laugh at inappropriate times, the same was true of Jimmy Fallon.
A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?
“Oh, so we’re accepting apologies now?”
Ramiro Garofolo, Cable Splicer
“The power of having the least-popular late-night show would go to anyone’s head.”
Debora Davis, Breakroom Supervisor
“I’d also be irritated if I had to live every day as James Corden.”
