Attendees at Trump’s autoworkers rally outside Detroit reportedly confessed to journalists that they were not union autoworkers, despite the signs they were holding saying “Autoworkers For Trump.” What do you think?
“If Trump were still president, those jobs and unions would be real.”
Vivian Heitman, Sleepover Chaperone
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Even better. It’s time we have a president that supports real and fake jobs.”
Scott Cummings, Dirigible Pilot
“Who’s to say these people haven’t worked on a car at least once in their lives.”
Donald Trump could be at risk of losing control of his New York business properties, including Trump Tower, after a judge found that the former president and his company liable for fraud. What do you think?
“It should be returned to whomever he stole it from.”
Emery Dawson, Unemployed
This Week’s Most Viral News: June 30, 2023
“I hope it passes to a more honest Manhattan real estate developer.”
Megan Starner, Smoke Alarm Inspector
“He can still put his name in giant golden letters on a sensible townhome.”
LOS ANGELES—Spitting into their palms to cement the deal, Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas reportedly made a tree-house pact Friday to divorce their mean wives and marry each other. “Everything was so much better when it was just us Jonas boys, and that’s how it should always be,” said newly separated Joe Jonas, slipping a Funyun onto his brother Nick’s ring finger and whispering, “Brother, you’re my wife now.” “We don’t need any gross, mean girls making everything complicated—we’ll just live in our cool tree fort forever and ever and have mom bring us snacks. What else could we need? It’s settled, I’m officially sending Sophie’s lawyer this sign that says ‘NO GIRLS ALLOWED.’ Well, except Mom, but she has to know the code word to enter. Now let’s practice kissing like we used to.” At press time, Kevin was seen sobbing and threatening to tattle to their mother after neither of his brothers wanted to marry him.
Former President Donald Trump has been indicted for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election, the third time in four months that the former U.S. president has been criminally charged. What do you think?
“I’m sure seeing his beloved supporters jailed has punished him enough.”
Daniel Welsh, Product Demonstrator
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“The rule of law has always been very biased against him.”
Graciela Asnes, Lab Organizer
“I wish I loved my job enough to destroy the country.”
Zany and prolific actor Nicolas “Nic” Cage is coming to the asymmetrical survival-horror game Dead By Daylight on July 25. If you know anything about him, you’d expect his voice lines to be unhinged as hell. Well, they’re so unhinged that people on TikTok are marveling at Cage’s dedication to his latest role.
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After leaking earlier this year, developer Behaviour Interactive confirmed that the Cageman would join the game as a Survivor during Summer Game Fest with a reveal trailer. Survivors are one of the many playable characters in the 4v1 asymmetrical horror sim that are laser-focused on getting the hell away from the Killers that hang players on meathooks so they can sacrifice them to an otherworldly entity. Yikes.
At the time, we didn’t get any real idea of how Cage would play his Survivor, though he said it was a “heightened, exaggerated version of a film actor” of the same name. That means it’s wacky and wild, right? Well, yes, but IDK if you’re at all prepared for just how bonkers Cage’s voice lines are in this game. Strap in.
OK, what’s going on? He’s screaming his lungs out, babbling like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura or something, and singing the infamous Halloween tune as if he’s in an ‘80s hair metal band. Nic Cage also apparently has 185 voice lines in the game. And the one that absolutely takes me out, aside from him doing the Halloween theme, is his character shouting “I’m Nic Fucking Cage” several times. I’d love for him to burst onto a movie scene with this line, just one time.
Nicolas Cage’s silly, and effective, Dead by Daylight perks
According to folks who have opted into the public test build (PTB) of the game through Steam, Nic Cage is the “best Survivor” because of his perks. Not only are they hilarious, but they seem to be pretty effective and offer a chance to drastically change the meta, which can quite often feel a bit stale.
One perk, Scene Partner, activates whenever Cage is within the Killer’s Terror Radius—he’ll comically scream before giving players a chance to see the Killer’s outline for a few seconds. There’s a chance he’ll ridiculously scream again, giving them a longer look at wherever the Killer may be lurking.
Then there’s Plot Twist, an active ability that basically lets players fake their own death—they’ll enter into the “dying state” but won’t leave a trail of blood or let out any whimpers to alert the Killer to their location. Recovering from that fake dying state will fully heal you and temporarily boost your movement speed.
Dramaturgy will turn Cage’s run into a Looney Tunes-esque knee-high canter, increasing movement speed and then randomly enacting one of several effects that could either help or hurt your game (you could be exposed to the Killer, or randomly gain a rare item).
Dead By Daylight streamer SpookyLoopz uploaded a YouTube video on July 5 demonstrating Nic Cage’s character in full. He’s got some pretty funny lore, with the character believing the Dead By Daylight world is part of some film script, and even funnier in-game animations, such as his scream.
SpookyLoopz
“That is Nicolas Cage,” SpookyLoopz said. “The man, the myth, the legend—the first celebrity we’ve ever gotten in [Dead By Daylight]. Super, duper excited for the [character]. […] He’s easily the funniest survivor in the game.”
In a press release announcing Nic Cage’s introduction to Dead By Daylight’s PTB, Behaviour Interactive head of partnerships Mathieu Côté hyped the actor.
“To say we are thrilled to have Nicolas Cage join the gaming world for the first time with Dead by Daylight is an understatement,” said Côté. “Mr. Cage recorded all his voice lines and was involved every step of the way; his dedication to his craft and professionalism is unmatched. We feel very privileged to have him and to our players: you’re in for a treat!”
Behaviour Interactive is also working with Atomic Monster and Blumhouse to turn the game into a film. Maybe the IRL actor will make an appearance in the movie? That would be a pretty meta crossover.
Former President Donald Trump pleaded not guilty after he was arrested and booked at a federal courthouse in Florida for allegedly refusing to return classified documents to federal authorities after he left the White House. What do you think?
“I’m going to ignore the facts before I jump to any conclusions.”
Faye McNeely, Cat Wrangler
Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself
“I can’t believe the government doesn’t have better things to do than prosecute a former president for mishandling and hiding classified documents.”
Ivan Nichols, Unemployed
“I don’t see why we have to make stealing state secrets so political.”
Some, like Iran (#1) and Venezuela (#4) are no surprise, but seeing Estonia as #2 was pretty shocking. Authorities are unable to determine why Mongolia appears three times on the list (#17, #82, and #104), or why the U.S. government seems to think Myrtle Beach (#31) is its own country.
PALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter so much as one word to the authorities, that’s it for you,” said Trump, menacingly shaking his finger in front of a defense-related document at the center of a Justice Department investigation into classified records missing from the National Archives. “Remember who takes care of you. That’s all I’m going to say. Who took you home and looked after you for all these years, huh? That’s right, and I have shit on you, too, by the way: all those late nights sitting in a box among underage girls. So you came here of your own accord, got it? If you turn on me, I swear to God, I will shred you so fast. I know plenty of people with scissors.” At press time, sources reported Trump proved he was serious by tearing off a corner of the document.
Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself
GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright disgusting for President Trump to provide CNN with a large national audience like that,” said media critic Greg Polinsky, who added that Trump was effectively rewarding the news network for the bad behavior it had exhibited going back to its coverage of his 2016 presidential campaign. “Like everyone in America, CNN has a right to free speech, but that doesn’t mean Trump should help it promote yet another sensationalized ratings grab. It isn’t right for a former president of the United States to legitimize their journalistic malpractice like that.” Polinsky went on to object to Trump’s agreement to participate in an unfiltered live-broadcast format, which doesn’t give CNN’s shoddy reporting an opportunity to be put into context.
Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself
NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump. “Now that he’s been indicted, Mr. Trump can’t possibly have any future in American public life, so we’ve decided to wrap things up,” said CNN CEO Chris Licht, noting that Trump would soon be arraigned in a Manhattan court on more than 30 charges of fraud, a development that seemed to represent the final nail in the coffin for entire news cycles centered around a man who has been out of office more than two years. “We followed the thread as long as we could, from the free publicity we provided him with during his first run for president to the shock we feigned when he attempted to overthrow an election. But after eight years of nonstop coverage, we feel it would be irresponsible of us as journalists to continue our exhaustive reporting on a story that has clearly reached an end.” Licht added that CNN would now pivot to issues of greater news value, like the cheating scandal on Vanderpump Rules.
PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the news that the Manhattan District Attorney had indicted him over payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, former President Donald Trump denounced the move Friday, telling reporters, “All arrests are politically motivated, as the legal system is the codified exercise of political power.” “This indictment is obviously an attempt by the Democrats to use against me the complex webs of power relations that influence the nature of rights and consequences in a given society and that we conceptualize as a legal system,” Trump said before quoting verbatim a passage from political philosopher Michel Foucault that reads, “The judges of normality are present everywhere. We are in the society of the teacher-judge, the doctor-judge, the educator-judge, the ‘social-worker’-judge; it is on them that the universal reign of the normative is based.” “This is nothing more than a political witch hunt carried out by corrupt Democratic officials using the law as a political cudgel, as it intrinsically is, because what is the law but a system by which the powerful may enforce adherence to certain rules and strictures among the less powerful? These Soros-backed Manhattanites are using the United States legal system as clarified in the landmark 1803 case Marbury v. Madison—which established the Constitution, and therefore America’s legal system, as not merely a set of principles but as the actual law of the land—to target me for what they claim is a violation of those laws. Yet I remind them that until now no American president has ever been indicted, which is as clear an example of the politically charged nature of the law as I can think of. Legal positivism, as understood by Jeremy Bentham and others, tells us that there is not necessarily a connection between morality and the law, and so it follows that a so-called lawbreaking act that may be considered punishable in some cases is left unpunished in others. Is that discrepancy not, then, a question of political power? For even such an act as taking another human life is deemed effectively above the law in some cases, if we are to follow the Schmittian logic of the sovereign state of exception. What these partisan hacks need to get through their thick skulls is that political concerns are permitted, by general agreement, or at least by the threat of state violence standing in for democratic accord, to make legal structures and consequences selectively applicable. But this is just another example of big-city legal departments wielding the law for political aims. I mean, seriously, just look at how the law is selectively enforced on the Black populations of U.S. cities, with arrest and incarceration rates far outstripping those of whites. The critical race theories of Derrick Bell, Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw, and others are instructive on this point, positing that legal progress for Black people only occurs when it converges with the political interests of the white elite. Of course, I’d expect nothing less from a sad, declining country where political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” At press time, numerous Republican officials, including Sen. Lindsey Graham, Rep. Matt Gaetz, and Rep. Kevin McCarthy, had come out in agreement that Trump’s arrest was politically motivated by tweeting passages on legal relativism from TheCommon Law by the late Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.
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Buckingham Palace has asked Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to vacate Frogmore Cottage, a 17th-century manor on the grounds of Windsor Castle that the couple intended to keep as their U.K. base when they gave up royal duties and moved to Southern California. What do you think?
“I’m sure it’s not personal.”
Allie Moreno, Treadmill Supervisor
“Just when I thought they couldn’t get any more relatable.”
Anand Laghari, Pyrotechnics Enthusiast
“Damn, I was hoping me and my various housekeepers, valets, cooks, and chauffeur could crash with them for a while.”
Wersching at WonderCon in April 2022Photo: Daniel Knighton (Getty Images)
Actor Annie Wersching, who played the role of Tess in Naughty Dog’s The Last Of Us video game, has died at the age of 45.
Wersching was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 but continued to act throughout her illness and treatment, appearing in series like Star Trek: Picard. As Deadline reports, her husband, Stephen Full, said in a statement:
There is a cavernous hole in the soul of this family today. But she left us the tools to fill it. She found wonder in the simplest moment. She didn’t require music to dance. She taught us not to wait for adventure to find you. ‘Go find it. It’s everywhere.’ And find it we shall.
She is perhaps best known for her role as Renee Walker in the seventh and eights series of 24, though she also made regular appearances on Bosch and Timeless as well. Wersching is survived by her husband and three sons.
Naughty Dog’s Neil Druckmann wrote, “Just found out my dear friend, Annie Wersching, passed away. We just lost a beautiful artist and human being. My heart is shattered. Thoughts are with her loved ones.”
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As you can see in the video below,Wersching didn’t just provide Tess’ voice, but also acted out the role for motion capture as well
This Go Fund Me is for them. It’s so Steve can have time to grieve without the pressure of needing to work. So he can be daddy to Freddie (12), Ozzie (9) and Archie (4) as they navigate the future without their mom, without sweet Annie. It’s so they can continue to go to baseball games (Go Cardinals!) take music lessons and play little league. It’s to help pay for college. It’s so Steve can continue Annie’s tradition of filling the house with every life-sized balloon that’ll fit in the car for birthday mornings. It’s to give them time to navigate life as a family of four without the burden of paying medical bills or funeral expenses. It’s so they can continue to live life in a way that they know would make Annie proud.
Everyone loved Annie. Everyone. But however much we loved her, she loved her boys more. Let’s help take care of them for her.
LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who single-handedly revolutionized pop music is regrettable, to say the least,” critic Ibrahim Lawrence wrote in the Los Angeles Times, suggesting that actors of color had little hope of succeeding in today’s film industry if producers couldn’t even bring themselves to give a Black man the starring role in a musical biopic about Elvis Presley. “And it’s so unnecessary. Why not cast Jonathan Majors? LaKeith Stanfield? Even Michael Ealy could’ve knocked it out of the park, but once again, Hollywood has chosen to engage in historical erasure to fit a white-centric ideal, in this case an Elvis who would be palatable to a larger demographic. Hearing classics like ‘Baby Let’s Play House,’ ‘Hound Dog,’ and ‘In The Ghetto’ coming out of a white man’s lips is nothing short of jarring.” Though his decision to take the part has been condemned in most quarters, many critics have nonetheless praised Butler for his refusal to wear blackface in his depiction of Presley.
Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so committed to giving him all my money.”
Tyler Larsen, Toilet Flusher
“Wow, there’s no way Trump could salvage his political career after doing something that gets mocked!”
Fiona Adamzik, Display Dismantler
“Trade you two DeSantises and a rookie Bret Baier.”
Donald Trump’s real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?
“It’ll take more than that to tarnish the Trump name.”
Ana Patterson, Classifieds Editor
“There’s no way the Trump Organization can run for president now.”
The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?
“Just in time for it to make a difference.”
Benny Aiello, Shed Architect
“Luckily he doesn’t have a history of shady financial behavior.”
Ron McElhaney, Unemployed
“What kind of respectable billionaire files their taxes?”
PALM BEACH, FL—Shaking her head in anger and disbelief as she scanned the invoice, Tiffany Trump reportedly received a bill from the Mar-a-Lago Club Tuesday charging her the full venue price for her wedding. “$95,000 for catering? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the 29-year-old Trump, who noted that the wedding cake looked nothing like the one she ordered and that the food “hadn’t even been that good.” “My dad insisted that I have the wedding here, so I assumed it would all be paid for. I didn’t even get a discount! God, they just gouged me on everything. They charged me $20,000 for a DJ, but I didn’t even have a DJ there! And what the hell is a napkin fee? I don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford this. I’m going to have to ask my dad for money.” At press time, reports confirmed Tiffany Trump was furious after discovering she had been charged a $1.5 million speaking fee for her father’s wedding toast.
