NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Refuting accusations of stolen valor by claiming his hands were permanently stained with the blood of his enemies, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz told reporters Monday that he had killed before and would kill again. “To those who have attempted to discredit my military record, let me just say that I have, on numerous occasions, ended a man’s life, and I will do it again,” said the Minnesota governor, who explained that while his killings might not have taken place on the battlefield, they were great in number and included both foreign and domestic targets. “I’d like to ask Sen. Vance—have you watched the last glint of life leave a frightened man’s eyes as you tightened your grip around his soft neck? Because I have. And I won’t stop.” Walz went on to state that a person didn’t have to go to war to snuff out a life, a lesson his opponents would soon learn very slowly and very painfully.
MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was unfortunately the centerpiece of my speech for Thursday night,” said Trump, who expressed frustration to reporters after admitting he had been forced to completely overhaul his keynote address. “I tried to cut all the mentions of how I’ve gone my whole life without a bullet making contact with either of my ears, but it didn’t really flow after that. Plus, it was too short. About 50% too short. It’s a real shame, because it was one of the most brilliant speeches ever about having intact ears.” At press time, Trump hinted that the crux of the speech was now about how he thanked God that he turned his head to check out a hot attendee’s rack.
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
On July 1, Steve Bannon reported to federal prison to serve a four-month sentence for acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion followed the former Trump advisor and far-right figurehead for 24 hours behind bars.
Taylor Swift Under Fire For Leaving Idling Plane Double-Parked Outside Store
6 a.m. Finally completes overnight digestion of cellmate
11 a.m.: Gets sent to Trump’s voicemail yet again
12 p.m.: Picks maggots out of chow; eats maggots
1:30 p.m.: Shanks self and blames it on Black prisoner
2 p.m.: Applies for podcast work release
3 p.m.: Gets neo-Nazi tattoo on only patch of living skin
5 p.m.: 15 minutes of maniacal growling
8 p.m.: Evening revenge vowing
10 p.m.: Wonders if Trump is looking up at the same moon
12 a.m.: Treats self to midnight snack by eating discarded asexual bud
ATLANTA—Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024 Thursday after realizing neither of them really wanted to be president. The two candidates, who had been bitter enemies along the campaign trail, reportedly stopped the debate when Biden abruptly admitted he didn’t want to do this anymore, at which point Trump perked up, said, “Wait, you too?” and revealed that he was just running because he thought Biden wanted to win. According to sources, the two former commanders-in-chief then burst into laughter and said, “Same, I fucking hate this country.” Despite protests from moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, Biden and Trump proceeded to remove their microphones, ties, and jackets, walk towards the exit, hug, and then hop into a red convertible, speeding off into the sunset together. At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had reportedly been declared the next president of the United States after being the only person in the entire nation dumb enough to take the job.
The House Ethics Committee, which has a long-running investigation into the conduct of Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), announced it is now also considering allegations of sexual misconduct and illicit drug use in addition to previous claims that he accepted improper gifts and sought to obstruct government investigations. What do you think?
“I’m appalled that my tax dollars are being used to pay the salaries of an Ethics committee.”
Gloria Dupree, Brakes Cutter
Nation’s White Liberals Announce They Have Successfully Completed Listening
“I’m sure this was caused by peer pressure from all his teenage friends.”
Najeem Wolff, Bedding Critic
“At least give him a chance to pay off the committee members.”
Elvis Presley’s granddaughter Riley Keough, who owns the Graceland estate, successfully blocked the auction of Elvis’s former home by the company Naussany Investments, which may have fraudulently initiated the foreclosure by claiming that Lisa Marie Presley used Graceland as collateral for a loan. What do you think?
“Good compounds are hard to come by these days.”
Joint Pathologist, Klay Mcneil
Arlington National Cemetery Boosts Tourism By Adding Zipline
“It’s a shame, Graceland would have made a great Airbnb.”
NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. “Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor simply miscalculated with this meandering, overproduced, and underwhelming album, she actually did so intentionally to make a point about capitalism, rabid fandom, and its effects on art at large,” said Johnson, adding that Swift was smarter than she seemed, and would never write 31 songs and record over two full hours of music that sounded so flat and uninspired unless she was trying to reveal something deeper about modern culture and the music we consume. “Yes, many of the tracks like ‘I Can Do It With A Broken Heart’ and ‘The Albatross’ sound like a pale, tired reflection of her former self, but what if that was her goal all along, and she spent years diluting her artistic vision in order to make us think? Taylor is always 10 steps ahead of her fans. Why else would she release one of the worst albums I’ve ever heard?” Johnson also said that Swift would not currently be dating someone as dumb as Travis Kelce if it wasn’t a commentary on toxic masculinity.
Chiefs Fans Try To Name A Single Taylor Swift Song
As was foretold in Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” music video, in which Christopher Walken danced to a line from Dune (“Walk without rhythm, It won’t attract the worm”), the actor would be destined to join Frank Herbert’s sci-fi universe in Denis Villeneuve’s acclaimed adaptation. In fact, Dune: Part Twobrought Walken out of a four-year acting break.
Denis Villeneuve on Ending Dune: Part Two That Way
In an interview with Vanity Fair, Walken discussed why he took on the role of the formidable Emperor who sets in motion the fall and rise of House Atreides in Dune. “I had, of course, seen the first Dune a number of times. I loved it, and I admired [Villeneuve’s] movies. Arrival, I thought, was wonderful. And to be with all those terrific actors—Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin, Timothée Chalamet, Florence Pugh, and Stellan Skarsgård—and to go to Budapest, which is a beautiful city. And of course, that’s what I do for a living. It was only, I think, three weeks. So, everything about it was attractive,” he said to the magazine.
Walken, who had somehow not yet been scooped up by a sci-fi epic, also revealed that he was almost in Star Wars but the timing wasn’t right. “I think it was for Han Solo,” Walken shared. “Yes, I auditioned for it. And if I’m not mistaken, my partner in the audition was—I think this is true—it was Jodie Foster. I think we did a screen test. I’m not sure we did a scene. Maybe we just sat in front of, in those days, those old videotape cameras… I did audition for Star Wars, but so did about 500 other actors. It was lots of people doing that.” But as was fated by “Weapon of Choice,” Walken was all along meant to be the Emperor in Dune.
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?
“Just a couple of shoves, and they’re Mexico’s problem.”
Mahek Beltran, Window Defroster
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Aw man, this is like your two favorite bands playing on the same night.”
Mae Valentine, Alpaca Breeder
“Haven’t the people at the border suffered enough?”
PALM BEACH, FL—Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn’t pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. “Wait, I know where we can get some cash—we can ask Dad!” said Donald Jr., the oldest of the Trump boys, whose face immediately lit up with excitement as he grabbed his brother’s hands and explained that the solution to all of his father’s legal and financial woes was just right down the hall. “Dad probably has tons of money! He wears suits all of the time. Once, he even gave me 20 whole dollars on my birthday! He’s a really important man. I know he’ll give us the money—we just have to promise to be extra good and eat all our meat for a week.” At press time, the Trump boys had only $83,299,975 to go after checking their father’s wallet.
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“To attract female voters, we would probably have to color the elephant logo pink and give it long eyelashes, and then we’d need to come up with a backstory for her. Maybe we’d call her Enid the Elephant and she’d be a mother of three adorable baby elephants. It’d just be such a headache.”
The Colorado Supreme Court banned President Donald Trump from appearing on the state’s Republican presidential primary ballot, citing the Constitution’s insurrection clause and Trump’s conduct during the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol as disqualifying him from holding public office. What do you think?
“I just want a week where I’m not talking about Colorado Supreme Court Justice Richard Gabriel.”
Chuck Rusek, Aromatics Consultant
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“That’s okay. Like other Trump voters, I’m voting in several states.”
Drew Kuipers, Celebrity Cataloger
“Good thing he’s not running to be the president of Colorado.”
Former President Donald Trump recently called his liberal political opponents “vermin” in a speech delivered on the campaign trail for the 2024 election, using the term in a manner likened to Hitler or Mussolini to dehumanize his rivals. What do you think?
“He’s usually better with nicknames.”
Casey Flint, Sneeze Analyst
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Imagine what he wanted to say before his aides talked him down to that.”
Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence ended his cash-strapped presidential campaign after struggling for months to convince Republican voters he was the best alternative to the man he once served with unswerving loyalty, Donald Trump. What do you think?
“I guess not being liked by anyone didn’t work out as he planned.”
Christian Gaudette, Distance Estimator
This Week’s Most Viral News: Halloween Edition
“Who can I turn to now if I love Trump’s policies but hate his popularity?”
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. “Sometimes I’ll show up to a gathering with friends and family and pretend that I’m Kevin to see if anyone can tell the difference, and they always see through it immediately and beg us to stop,” said Nick Jonas, adding that almost everyone in their lives found the brothers’ practice irritating but that they can’t bring themselves to stop trying in case someday it works. “We don’t do anything to change our appearance because we’re brothers, which is kind of like twins, in that some brothers are twins, except not all brothers are twins, but in any event, we’re hurting all of our loved ones by continuing to perpetuate these antics. Honestly, we’re pretty sure that Joe’s marriage failed because I kept showing up to dinner with Sophie [Turner] and their kids, trying to romance her and demanding that their confused children call me Dad, and his whole family obviously found it awful to deal with. Still, though, we had fun, because at the same time, Joe was pretending to be Kevin and causing a fight with our parents, who have always discouraged us from pretending to be each other, while Frankie was pretending to be me and really pissing off my agent at a meeting. Someday it will work, though, so we have to keep trying.” At press time, Nick Jonas attempted to conclude the interview by telling reporters that he was actually Kevin Jonas, which caused them to sigh in disgust.
