WASHINGTON—Writing that it was incredibly hard to choose from all the beautiful work that had brought him so much pleasure, former President Barack Obama took to social media Thursday to release his summer list of favorite things to masturbate to. “I’ve read, watched, and listened to a lot of amazing things this year and wanted to share some of the ones that made me orgasm the hardest,” said the 44th president of the United States, adding that he hoped Americans would enjoy furiously pleasuring themselves to his favorite things as much as he had so far in 2023. “Abbott Elementary. PornHub has some really great stepmom-surprises-stepson content. Drone strike videos. The 1993 October Playboy featuring the girls of the PAC-10. The official White House portrait of Barbara Bush. Our beautiful National Parks System. Also, botanical gardens. And I might be a little biased on this one, but Michelle Obama’s feet as well as her book The Light We Carry. What do you have in your spank bank?” At press time, Barack Obama could not be reached for comment because he was reportedly hard at work lubing up his hand and researching the official “Barack Obama’s Summer 2024 Jerk-Off List.”
Tag: African-American people
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Apparently Video Game Characters Look Great In Drag
Photo: Velvet Caveat There are many gifts to be found on self-proclaimed “video game siren” Velvet Caveat’s TikTok, like gay Team Rocket and, most recently, an electric blue Gyrados puppet holding down Ariana Grande’s part of “Rain On Me” during a lip-sync performance.
“No, but Gyariana killed it,” Caveat writes in the caption, perhaps underselling the surreality of watching a sharp-toothed Water/Flying type handle Ariana Grande’s vocal runs with ease while she’s dressed as a tastefully nude Misty.
The puppet was a collaboration between friends, Caveat tells me over email—Matti made the head and puppet, Zac and Alex worked on the body.
“It was inspired by Carmen Farala from Drag Race España who did this amazing snake look I loved,” she says. “I wanted to reinterpret it in my own way. Why not Misty being constricted by a Gyarados? I even had Staryu earrings from my friend, Girl1000 Jewellery! It was a fun interpretation that hadn’t been done before and it meant that Gyariana (her name) could duet with me doing “Rain On Me” for the show finale. She even shot water out in the final chorus!”
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It’s a camera. For your car.
The Ring Car Cam’s dual-facing HD cameras capture activity in and around your car in HD detail.A jaw-dropping Gyariana, to me, marks just another night for Caveat, who has been performing her video game-themed drag show SlayStation in London since December 2021. The Gyrados performance was part of its recent Pokemon-themed Master Ball.
About founding SlayStation, Caveat says she “decided I wanted to start my own show and space and thought, ‘Why not combine my two passions, video games and performing?’”
Caveat, who is trans, had never attempted cosplay before starting SlayStation, but felt like “video games have always let me express myself and my identity in a safe space, especially while I was still figuring it out in the real world.”
“I really wanted to portray the importance of that for me and so many other people with the event,” she continues.
Video games form the rhinestone-glued platform to Caveat’s plans—even her name was inspired by Odin Sphere. And only a little over a year old, SlayStation has already motivated plenty of video game drag, including a Goldeen cosplay topped with inky fake lashes, a glamorous Lopunny, and for Caveat, Bayonetta.
“As a 6’4” woman, I felt like I could really do her justice,” she tells me.
The event is already gaining recognition through TikTok and through industry pros like Kim Chi, who competed on season eight of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and British Drag Race star Dakota Schiffer, who both attended SlayStation’s Master Ball event.
But it isn’t only fun to look at. it’s also creating a vibrant and comfortable space for queer video game fans.
“The best show I’ve seen in a good while,” one Instagram commenter wrote on SlayStation’s post highlighting the importance of trans representation. “So much love in the room, cannot wait for the next one.” They’ll only have to wait a bit longer—there’s a Doki Doki Literature Club-themed event coming in February, and Caveat tells me she’s already planning “a big Final Fantasy show in a few months to celebrate the new games.”
“Should have some more fun looks and performances,” she says. Here comes the Square Enix hurricane, bitch.
Ashley Bardhan
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Michael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of Head
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days, I wish someone had sat down and talked to me about the more dangerous effects of making orange Gatorade drizzle out of my bald head and down my brow,” said the six-time NBA champion, 59, stressing that, at the time, he felt pressured to continue oozing the sports beverage because of his million-dollar sponsorship with the company, as well as the intimidation factor it gave him on the court. “I know it looks cool, but people need to understand that when you do this, you lose critical electrolytes and artificial flavor from your body—nutrients that water alone will not replenish. Although it tastes amazing—way better than regular sweat—there are long-term consequences. Now, I have no control over my pores, which to this day constantly leak droplets of sports drink. My hats are ruined, I’m sticky all the time—it’s hell. Don’t try it, kids. Don’t be like Mike.” Jordan also shared that his rock bottom had been once finding a bottle of Gatorade in his son’s gym bag.
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Adidas Drops Kanye West Over Antisemetic Remarks
Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?
“At least give him a chance to double down!”
Mindy Perovic, Family Attorney
“They’ll always have the memories of making some very ugly products together.”
John Amato, Systems Analyst
“Now I can buy their child labor products without guilt.”
Keith Gilfoyle, Unemployed
