Defense testimony continued Friday in the trial of Brendan Banfield, a former IRS investigator charged with aggravated murder in the 2023 deaths of his wife, Christine Banfield, and another man, Joseph Ryan, in Fairafx County, Virginia.
Defense testimony continued Friday in the trial of Brendan Banfield, a former IRS investigator charged with aggravated murder in the 2023 deaths of his wife, Christine Banfield, and another man, Joseph Ryan, in Fairafx County, Virginia.
The jury heard from the defense’s digital forensics expert to try to counter the prosecution’s theory that Brendan Banfield set up a profile on a fetish website pretending to be his wife to lure another man to the home so Brendan Banfield could kill her and pin it on the man.
Harry Lidsky, a private investigator and digital forensic examiner, reviewed the digital evidence that the family’s au pair, Juliana Peres Magalhaes, and prosecutors said show Christine Banfield often used her phone and laptop at the same time.
Lidsky said he agreed with the original lead detective, who disagreed with lead investigator Brendan Miller’s catfishing theory.
Deputy Chief of Major Crimes Patrick Brusch said it was his decision to remove Miller from the case, after Miller provided an executive summary that concluded that Christine Banfield never lost control over her phone and laptop. That conclusion ran counter to prosecutors’ theory that Brendan Banfield and Peres Magalhães used Christine Banfield’s devices to communicate with Ryan and other men as they were staging the scenario.
Proceedings ended Friday without Brendan Banfield taking the stand to testify in his own defense. Watch the recap below.
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During the third day of the Brendan Banfield trial in Northern Virginia on Thursday, jurors saw photos showing major changes inside the Banfield home in the months after the killings.
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Brazilian au pair testifies against former employer and lover in double homicide case
During the third day of the murder trial of Brendan Banfield, who’s accused of carrying out an elaborate plot to kill his wife and another man so he could be with his au pair, jurors in the Fairfax County courtroom saw photos showing major changes inside the Banfield home in the months after the killings.
Photos showed that clothes and pictures of the au pair, Juliana Peres Magalhães, had been moved into the home’s master bedroom.
“They had gotten new flooring, new bedroom furniture. And pictures that had once featured Brendan and Christine had been taken down and replaced with Brendan and Juliana together,” Sgt. Kenner Fortner with Fairfax County Police Department said during trial Thursday.
Fortner took crime scene photos on the day of the killings, and compared those to photos taken when he returned months later.
The prosecution appeared to use the photos to point to a relationship at the center of the case — an alleged affair between Brendan and Magalhães that they say began before the killings. Prosecutors say Brendan Banfield and Magalhães plotted to kill his wife Christine, along with Joseph Ryan.
Ryan was allegedly lured to the home through a fetish website account created in Christine’s name.
Banfield faces aggravated murder charges.
Also testifying was the window salesman who sold the Banfields’ new windows a few months before the killings.
The salesman told jurors his company installed triple-pane windows months before the murders, and that an order of double-pane windows was changed to triple pane before the install. The defense pressed him on whether noise was ever discussed and whether the sound from Dulles International Airport or a nearby firehouse may have been the motive behind the upgrade.
“When someone goes to a triple pane, that’s another level, and that is a type of level where they’re trying to do more than just protect the house from the sun,” Matthew Niederriter said.
Magalhães told the court in testimony earlier this week that Brendan changed the windows in the home to make it more soundproof in preparation for the killings.
Others heard from an employee at a shooting range who said Brendan Banfield bought a gun from the range in the months before the killings, and that he and Magalhães were listed as visiting the shooting range in late 2022.
Christine Banfield and Joseph Ryan were killed in February 2023.
Virginia Department of Forensic Science forensic expert Cara McCarthy testified that two Glock handguns that were seized from the home were in working order.
A DNA expert followed, saying Christine Banfield’s DNA was found on Brendan’s jeans and Juliana’s shoes, and Joseph Ryan’s blood was on the carpet and wall.
While the prosecution did most of the questioning, the defense asked several questions that focused on how evidence was collected and whether procedures were followed correctly in evidence collection.
Magalhães admitted earlier this week that she helped plan the attack and pleaded guilty to manslaughter. She’ll be sentenced after the conclusion of the trial.
The trial will resume Tuesday.
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Infidelity profoundly disrupts the foundation of a relationship. It’s that moment when everything you thought was solid crumbles, leaving behind raw hurt, confusion, and a sense of betrayal that’s difficult to shake. For the person who’s been cheated on, the pain can feel like all-consuming waves of anger, sadness, and doubt about whether things can ever feel right again. You might discover yourself replaying scenarios in your head, questioning every memory, or even feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself. For the one who strayed, there’s often a heavy mix of guilt, shame, and regret, wondering how you let it get to this point and if you’ll ever forgive yourself, let alone earn back your partner’s trust.
But here’s the thing: even in the midst of that chaos, recovery is possible. I’ve seen couples walk through this fire and come out not just intact, but closer and more resilient. It’s not easy; it takes real work, patience, and a willingness to face the tough stuff, but with the right steps, you can rebuild trust and create a bond that’s deeper than before. Drawing from decades of research on relationships, like the work from Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, we know that healing follows a structured path. Their Trust Revival Method outlines three key phases: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. These phases provide a roadmap, helping couples move from pain to possibility, one step at a time.
Seeing Infidelity for What It Really Is: A Sign of Deeper Issues
Usually, affairs do not occur spontaneously. They’re often a red flag for problems that have been simmering beneath the surface, like emotional distance, unmet needs, or communication breakdowns that leave both people feeling isolated and unheard. Maybe the daily grind has taken over, and those small moments of connection, a quick hug or a shared laugh, have faded away. Or perhaps resentment has built up from unresolved arguments, creating a wall between you.
Studies indicate that when partners start pulling away emotionally, maybe avoiding tough talks or not responding to each other’s small bids for connection, the risk of infidelity goes up. Think about it: if conflicts pile up without resolution, or if that spark of intimacy fades, someone might look elsewhere for what they’re missing. This doesn’t make the affair acceptable; it’s still a choice that breaks trust, but understanding these roots helps shift the focus from just blame to fixing what’s broken together.
For instance, a couple I worked with acknowledged that their affair was a result of years of feeling emotionally distant from each other, and addressing this led to genuine transformation. It’s important to remember that while the relationship’s issues create vulnerability, the responsibility for the affair lies with the person who chose it. Blaming the marriage entirely can stall healing, so approach the incident with compassion for both sides.
Phase 1: Atonement—Starting with Honesty and Openness
If you’re the one who had the affair, healing starts with being completely upfront. Your actions show your partner that you’re committed to rebuilding trust. This phase, called Atonement in the Gottman framework, is about taking full responsibility without excuses or defensiveness.
Cut all contact with the affair partner immediately, and be transparent: share passwords, locations, and details as needed. It’s like laying everything out on the table to prove you’re committed. Early on, that might mean sharing the details of what happened, even when it’s uncomfortable. Your partner needs that clarity to process their feelings and start letting go. However, it’s important to avoid obsessing over every detail; the goal is to resolve the issue and move forward. Establish ground rules, such as discussing the matter in a safe space, such as during therapy sessions, to prevent further hurt. For example, schedule specific times to talk about it, and avoid mentioning it in the heat of unrelated arguments. This prevents what feels like “trickle truth,” where details come out slowly and erode trust further.
I’ve worked with clients who initially resisted full disclosure due to fear or shame, but once they made the commitment, it marked a significant shift. Remember, atonement isn’t a one-time apology; it’s ongoing actions that show reliability, like keeping promises and being where you say you’ll be.
Phase 1 Continued: For the Hurt Partner—Riding the Emotional Waves and Finding Your Footing
Being betrayed is like navigating a storm: anger, grief, and confusion crash over you, and it’s okay to feel all of it. In fact, it’s normal to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, like hypervigilance, flashbacks, or trouble sleeping. Give yourself grace; this situation isn’t something you “get over” quickly. It’s normal to have days where old memories resurface, pulling you back. Remind yourself: such an event is part of the process, and it’s okay to take time. The real work is done with your partner, though journaling or speaking with a trusted friend can be helpful.
Along the way, work on rebuilding your sense of self. Betrayal can make you doubt your value, but it’s not about you; it’s about the other person’s choices. Ask yourself questions like:
“What do I need right now to feel safe?” or
“Can I imagine a future where this pain fades?”
When you’re ready, forgiveness can be a powerful step, not to excuse what happened, but to free yourself from carrying that weight. It means acknowledging the pain and choosing to build something new, if that’s what you want. One exercise is to list out your feelings and share them calmly, helping your partner understand the impact without escalating into blame. In this phase, it’s crucial to express your emotions fully but constructively. Avoid using the affair as a weapon in every disagreement; instead, focus on getting the answers you need to close that chapter.
Phase 2: Attunement—Breaking Bad Habits and Tuning Into Each Other
Once the initial storm of emotions settles a bit, it’s time to attune to really listen and understand each other’s worlds. Negative patterns in how you talk can make everything worse after an affair. Things like harsh criticism, getting defensive, shutting down, or showing contempt—these are like poison to recovery, often called the Four Horsemen in relationship research.
In my work with couples, we often find these habits were already there before the infidelity, and they ramp up afterward. For instance, a hurt partner may lash out with criticism (“You always ruin everything!”), prompting the other partner to defend (“It wasn’t that bad!”) or retreat by withdrawing. The good news? You can substitute these reactions with more constructive responses:
Start conversations gently, sharing how you feel without attacking: “I feel scared when I think about what happened, and I need reassurance.”
Rather than assigning blame, take responsibility for your own actions. Admit if you’ve contributed to distance in the past.
Make a habit of noticing and appreciating the good in each other: A simple “I appreciate you being honest today” can shift the tone.
Take a breather when things heat up to calm down before continuing: Try deep breathing or a short walk.
Swapping out these old patterns for positive ones helps rebuild that emotional bridge, making space for real understanding. In attunement, talk about what made your relationship vulnerable, but don’t blame it for the affair. Ask open-ended questions like, “What were you feeling in the months before?” This phase is about creating “Marriage 2.0,” a fresh start with new skills. One couple I observed practiced daily check-ins, spending 10 minutes each evening sharing their highs and lows, which gradually restored their emotional connection.
Phase 3: Attachment—Rekindling the Spark with Emotional and Physical Closeness
As trust starts to grow back, turn your attention to reconnecting on a deeper level; that’s the Attachment phase. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s the little things that add up, like checking in with each other every day or sharing a quiet moment without phones buzzing. These “rituals of connection” create a sense of safety, like holding hands during a walk or leaving a loving note. Physical touch can be tricky; the idea might bring up painful associations for the hurt partner, making them feel like intimacy is tainted. Take your time, communicate honestly about what feels good and what doesn’t, and establish clear boundaries.
Use questions like:“What turns you on?” or “What makes you feel close?” to explore desires without pressure. This honesty can help ease back into intimacy, turning it into something based on mutual care and respect. Remember, rebuilding sexual connection might involve starting small, like non-sexual touch, and gradually building up. If triggers arise, acknowledge them together: “I’m feeling anxious right now; can we pause and talk?”
In this phase, both partners reassure each other. The partner who has been hurt might say, “I see your efforts, and I’m starting to trust again,” while the other partner continues to show commitment. It’s bidirectional; everyone needs to feel secure.
The Power of Letting Go and Moving Ahead
True healing comes when both of you open up fully, being vulnerable, consistent, and there for each other. For the person who strayed, it’s about proving your commitment every day through transparency and empathy. For the hurt one, it’s finding a way to forgive, even if forgetting isn’t fully possible. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen; it’s about releasing the hold it has on your future.
Studies from the Gottman Institute highlight that couples who invest in better communication, truly listening to each other’s needs, and making time for connection don’t just survive—they thrive. Often, the relationship ends up stronger, with a level of honesty and closeness that wasn’t there before. But watch for common pitfalls: lingering resentment, avoiding tough talks, or rushing the process. If kids are involved, model healthy recovery by protecting them from details while showing unity.
Healing isn’t linear; triggers might pop up years later, like on an anniversary, but with tools in place, you can handle them together.
Wrapping Up: There’s Light Ahead
While infidelity may seem like the end of the path, for many, it represents a pivotal moment towards a better future. With commitment from both sides, healing happens through small, steady steps: facing the truth, improving how you talk, and nurturing your bond. The journey might include setbacks, but each one is a chance to grow closer.
If you’re in this spot, know that you’re not alone. Rebuilding takes time, effort, and occasionally a guide to help navigate. As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I’m here to support couples through this, so reach out if you need help turning pain into possibility. Remember, a stronger relationship is within reach; you’ve got this.
This TikTok drama is messier than a holiday family dinner, and influencer Brenay Kennard is learning that virality can come with a $1.75 million price tag.
Source: @lifeofbrenay / Instagram
According to a press release from the Law Office of Robnetta B. Jones, a North Carolina jury ruled in favor of Akira Montague, a Durham mom of two who claimed that Kennard used her friendship and influencer clout to seduce Montague’s then-husband, Timothy Montague.
Source: Courtesy / Wukela Communications
Montague claimed that Kennard flaunted their affair on social media and alleged that the TikToker brazenly filmed content with Timothy inside Akira’s home while she was asleep. Through her lawyers Montague claimed that Kennard shared posts online that led to harassment and death threats against her and her children.
TheNews-Observer reports that Kennard was found guilty of “criminal conversation,” which is legal talk for having sex with someone’s spouse. She was also charged with “alienation of affection,” a rare claim that lets a spouse sue someone for breaking up their marriage.
“This judgment isn’t about revenge, it’s about accountability,” Jones said in a statement, calling the win “a victory for women across America who too often suffer similar betrayals.”
According to People, the jury deliberated for less than two hours before hitting Kennard with a $1.5 million penalty for alienation of affection and another $250,000 for criminal conversation. The influencer, who has over three million followers on TikTok and Instagram, represented herself during the trial. Clearly, the jury wasn’t swayed by her “it’s not my fault” defense.
Kennard told People that she believes the verdict was “outrageous” and “all about money,” insisting that Akira’s marriage was “falling apart for years.” But the jury wasn’t buying it.
As reported by The News & Observer, after the verdict was read, Montague’s supporters broke into cheers and chants of “Team A-kira!” in the courtroom.
So, moral of the story? North Carolina doesn’t mess around with dirty doggin’. The next time a TikTok influencer thinks about posting a “Get Ready With Me” while someone else’s husband is in the background, maybe remember: some content just ain’t worth $1.75 million.
Were Joey Lawrence and Samantha Cope doomed from the start? That’s what the latest report seems to suggest.
As we’ve been following, Samantha filed for divorce from the Melissa & Joey alum earlier this month and is seeking sole custody of their 19-month-old daughter Dylan. Days later, reports surfaced alleging Joey has been involved in an ongoing affair with his Socked in for Christmas co-star Melina Alves, who is also apparently going through a divorce because of the infidelity. A source later revealed Samantha attempted therapy with Joey, but that he pretty much derailed any chance of patching up their marriage. It’s super sad stuff. You can read more about it HERE.
But now, an insider is claiming Joey’s alleged affair was NOT what ruined his and Samatha’s relationship!
On Sunday, a source told People the pair “had troubles from the beginning of their relationship.” Hmmm. Well it did seem rather rushed… We mean, it was just three months after Joey finalized his divorce from ex-wife Chandie Yawn-Nelson!
The source claimed:
“Infidelity isn’t the cause … not by a long shot.”
Inneresting… The source didn’t necessarily deny the infidelity — just the part about it being the reason he and Samantha are splitting up.
The insider added:
“[Joey] had gotten to a point where he had hit his limit with defending his kids, his mom and his family to Samantha.”
There weren’t many other details regarding that claim, specifically, but the Blossom star shares daughters Charleston, 18, and Liberty, 14, with ex-wife Chandie.
As for Samantha seeking sole custody of their daughter Dylan, the source claimed Joey is “torn up.” They explained:
“Joey loves his kids. He is a great dad and his daughters adore him. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for those girls, and that includes Dylan too. He prides himself on being very involved with family and putting family first always. He loves Dylan. He’s torn up that it’s going to be difficult to co-parent Dylan with the demands Samantha has made. Joey is a man of integrity. He is a hard worker. He is a professional.”
A man of integrity… Who’s currently caught up in cheating rumors…
A the end of the day, though, the insider noted the 48-year-old is “relieved the marriage is over because he can breathe … He can be himself. He’s taking the time to make up for all of the lost time that he had with his children.”
So it sounds like his and Samantha’s marriage drove a wedge between his relationship with his oldest daughters. Well, the proximity of his relationship with her and their mom Chandie, alone, would likely be enough to ruffle feathers. But we guess we’ll just have to wait for more specific deets.
Gisele Bündchen would like to set the record straight!
Since her divorce from Tom Brady in October 2022, the supermodel has been rumored to be dating her jiu-jitsu instructorJoaquim Valente. They’ve been spotted on multiple vacations together over the past few years. She always claimed he was there to train with the kids, and there was nothing romantic between them. However, the two have been seen hanging out one-on-one a lot over the past few years. Joaquim even picked her up from the airport at one point. It gave off couple vibes!
A source for People later revealed the pair have been “seeing each other since [last] summer” — as in June 2023. But if you ask sources close to Tom, they say the former football player doesn’t buy that timeline! He believes they began dating in June of 2021! If this is true, the Victoria’s Secret Angel would have been an item before she and Tom divorced. It is unknown if their relationship started before the duo separated, but the insider seems to strongly imply that Tom thinks Gisele cheated on him with Joaquim! Yikes!
However, Gisele wants everyone to know… she did NOT cheat! When asked point-blank by The New York Times in an interview published on Saturday about the affair allegations, she replied:
“That is a lie. This is something that happens to a lot of women who get blamed when they have the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship and are labeled as being unfaithful. They have to deal with their communities. They have to deal with their family. Of course for me, it just happens to be a little bit amplified.”
Hmm. If cheating hadn’t been involved in the demise of their marriage, then what happened? Don’t expect to get an answer from Gisele. She refused to reveal what actually caused her breakup with Tom, saying:
“No one really knows what happens between two people, only the two people in the relationship.”
What did she confirm, though? She is dating someone! While Gisele doesn’t mention Joaquim by name, she shares about the relationship:
“This is the first time I am seeing someone that was a friend of mine first. It’s very different. It is very honest, and it’s very transparent.”
Gisele sounds happy about her new romance — and to have cleared up those cheating rumors! Reactions, Perezcious readers? Sound OFF in the comments below!
Listen up, everyone! There will be no more mention of Tom Sandoval while Ariana Madix is on Broadway!
While fans eagerly waited to meet the 38-year-old cocktail book author outside of the stage door at New York City’s Ambassador Theatre this week, where she is currently starring as Roxie Hart in Chicago, one of the security guards laid down an important ground rule. What was it, you may ask? No one can mention her cheating ex at any point! As seen in a video posted on Instagram, he said:
“Y’all fans of Ariana, right? Please don’t mention her ex at all. He’s irrelevant. Thank you.”
Fans applauded the security guard. Some even insisted they would “never” bring up Sandoval. Watch the video (below):
OMG!
Is this a permanent rule? Or was this guy just making a joke? If Ariana really did ask for fans not to mention Tom at the stage door, we wouldn’t blame her! No one wants to be reminded of their ex every single second of the day. And we can imagine folks at the post-show stage door have bombarded her with questions and comments about Scandoval ever since she started her run in January!
Whelp, you’ve been warned! Moving forward, anyone who attends Chicago and waits outside the venue to meet the cast don’t bring up Sandoval! Reactions, Perezcious readers? Drop them in the comments below.
The discovery of an affair is a pivotal moment in a marriage. It’s marked by a complex mix of emotions and questions.
While every couple’s situation is unique, there are common ways in which one spouse finds out about an affair. And each brings its own set of challenges..
This article looks at how most affairs are discovered.
From unexpected confessions to finding physical evidence, we explore the dynamics of these situations.
If you’re someone who just recently found out about your spouse’s affair, we can help you navigate this confusing period in your marriage and get the support you need.
Discovering an affair often does not result from a single, dramatic revelation.
It’s usually the culmination of small, noticeable changes that gradually bring the issue to light.
When you see possible signals of cheating from your spouse, know that this is not the time to assign blame or live in suspicion.
This is an opportunity to strive harder to foster an environment of honesty and trust in your marriage.
Most affairs are discovered in one of a few ways. However, there is no definitive way to know if your spouse is cheating, unless he or she admits it.
Changes in Behavior and Routine
One of the most telling signs that your spouse is having an affair is seeing a shift in their behavior or daily routine.
These changes are often subtle and gradual. But they can send up a silent alarm indicating something isn’t quite right.
It could be as simple as…
Paying more attention to their appearance
Showing an unusual interest in new hobbies
Coming home later than usual without a good explanation
While these signs can be misleading and are not definitive proof of an affair, they do warrant some attention.
It’s important to approach these observations with an open heart and mind.
Accusing your spouse of cheating without any real cause for concern can further damage your marriage.
Instead, gently express your concerns and give your spouse the opportunity to explain.
This can often lead to deeper conversations that may address underlying issues in your relationship, perhaps issues that even your spouse wasn’t fully aware of.
Text, Email, Social Media DMs
Technology often plays a significant role in revealing affairs.
Text messages, emails, social media activity, and even location history on shared devices can inadvertently become the source of painful discoveries.
These digital footprints can be subtle – a hastily deleted text, an unusual number of calls to an unknown number, or even a change in what they post online.
However, you need to tread carefully.
Respecting your spouse’s privacy is fundamental in any relationship, and violating this can further impair your marriage.
If you do come across such digital traces, it’s important to approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
Hearing It From a Friend
Discovering your spouse’s infidelity can sometimes come from someone close to you.
A friend might learn of an affair and feel compelled to share this information, often out of concern for you.
This kind of discovery can be particularly shocking. It’s not just the content of the revelation that stings, but also the mode of delivery.
Hearing about a spouse’s affair from a friend can complicate feelings further. It introduces a social dimension to the already painful experience of betrayal.
The bearer of bad news might be a mutual friend or someone from a social circle you share with your spouse, which adds layers of trust issues and embarrassment to the situation.
It’s important to remember that your friend likely shared news of the affair out of care for you and not with the intent to hurt you.
While shame is a common emotion when learning of an affair in this way, keep in mind that it is not your fault and that your friend’s revelation can help put you and your marriage on the path to recovery.
Physical Evidence
Few things are as jarring as stumbling upon physical evidence of an affair.
It’s often the mundane, everyday items that reveal the hidden truths – a receipt tucked in a coat pocket, a hotel keycard, or a piece of jewelry.
These small, physical items convert suspicions or denial into a reality that’s hard to ignore.
Finding this evidence within the intimacy of a shared life can feel like betrayal.
The moment of discovery can mark a turning point in the marriage. At worst, it pushes a reckoning with truths about your relationship that can no longer be overlooked.
Fishy Transactions
Financial irregularities can also be a tip-off to an affair.
Unexplained withdrawals or charges that don’t fit the pattern of your usual expenses might raise red flags.
It’s not uncommon for affairs to leave a trail in the joint finances—whether it’s charges for gifts, hotel rooms, or unusual outings.
These transactions are usually secretive like being tucked away in monthly statements.
Discovering financial clues can raise a lot of questions and doubts, particularly when your spouse chooses to deflect or deny it.
This situation is challenging since it intertwines the emotional pain of infidelity with practical concerns about financial security.
The Emotional Impact of Discovery
The initial realization that your spouse has been unfaithful can unleash a flood of emotions – shock, hurt, betrayal, anger, and confusion are common.
You might find yourself oscillating between disbelief and painful clarity, grappling with questions about the future of your relationship and your sense of self-worth.
It’s important to acknowledge that these emotions are valid and natural responses to a significant breach of trust.
Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment.
There’s no “right” way to feel in these situations. Every individual’s response to discovering their spouse’s infidelity is deeply personal.
The most important thing is to avoid making impulsive decisions. The pain and shock can cloud judgment, leading to actions you might regret later.
The discovery of an affair is undeniably painful, but it is also an opportunity for growth and healing after being cheated on.
With the right support and resources, individuals and couples can emerge from this experience stronger, more self-aware, and with a renewed sense of hope for the future.
What to Do After Your Spouse Admits to Cheating
In the wake of discovering an affair, it’s important to navigate these delicate conversations with your spouse.
The key is to focus on your approach, tone, and the willingness to listen and understand.
If your goal is to truly save your marriage after this experience, you will approach the situation with a clear mind and not with a desire to resent your spouse.
Confront the Issue
Approaching your spouse about an affair is undoubtedly challenging. It requires a balance of honesty, vulnerability, and strength.
Start by choosing the right time and setting – a private, quiet space where you can speak without interruptions or distractions is ideal.
It’s important that both you and your spouse feel safe and comfortable to express your thoughts and feelings.
When you initiate the conversation, try to speak from a place of ‘I’ statements, such as “I feel hurt” or “I am confused,” rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements, which can make your spouse defensive.
This approach allows you to express your feelings and concerns without placing blame. It’s about opening a dialogue, not starting a confrontation.
Be clear about your intentions for the conversation.
Whether it is seeking clarity, understanding, or expressing your feelings, being transparent about your goals can help guide the discussion in a constructive direction.
Listen and Understand
Active listening involves truly hearing what your spouse has to say and trying to understand their perspective, even if it is difficult.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with or accept their actions, but it does mean giving them a chance to express their side of the story.
Listening actively also means being mindful not to interrupt, judge, or jump to conclusions.
Remember, effective communication is a two-way street. It’s about expressing your own thoughts and feelings while also being open to hearing and understanding your spouse’s.
It’s through this process of open, honest, and empathetic dialogue that healing begins.
Most importantly, remind yourself that even good people can commit infidelity. And your spouse’s affair does not mean that they’re a bad human altogether.
Professional Guidance with Marriage Helper
Seeking professional guidance is a critical step in the recovery process. Marriage counselors and therapists can provide an objective perspective and expert advice, helping couples navigate the complex emotions and issues that arise from an affair.
They offer a safe space for both spouses to express their feelings, fears, and desires openly.
Marriage Helper takes this support a step further by offering specialized programs and resources tailored to couples dealing with infidelity.
Their approach is grounded in research and empathy, focusing on understanding the underlying issues that led to the affair and working towards healing those wounds.
Marriage Helper’s workshops and counseling sessions are designed to facilitate honest communication, foster forgiveness, and rebuild the foundations of a healthy relationship.
Involving professionals like those at Marriage Helper can be a turning point for moving forward from an affair in a constructive and hopeful approach.
Rebuilding trust is not an overnight process. It requires time, patience, and consistent effort from both spouses.
And it means re-establishing your intimacy and connection. So be patient with yourself and your spouse.
Trust rebuilds at its own pace, and there might be setbacks along the way. What’s important is staying committed to the process and each other.
With the support of resources like Marriage Helper, and a dedication to open, honest communication, couples can find their way back to a trusting, loving marriage.
Our marriage workshops provide a platform for couples to learn and grow together, addressing key aspects like communication, intimacy, and trust.
For ongoing support, you can join our online membership and meet a community of couples going through the same path to recovery.
While recovering from limerence is no small task, it is more than possible. In this section, we’ll explore some strategies you can begin implementing in your marriage right away to begin the road to healing.
Start an Open Dialogue
Admitting an affair or attraction to someone outside your marriage is a vulnerable yet crucial step in rebuilding a marriage.
For the spouse who has experienced limerence, this dialogue provides a platform to openly acknowledge the affair and its repercussions.
It’s important for this spouse to be honest about their emotions and the reasons behind the infatuation.
This level of transparency is challenging. But it helps the non-limerent spouse understand what happened.
Doing so will only push your spouse away from you.
Instead, focus on your internal relationship. Create a safe space where you both feel seen and heard.
Adjust Your Relationship Dynamics
Limerence can alter the way spouses interact with each other, often leading to an imbalance in the relationship.
Take time to discuss and redefine your roles in the marriage. The key is to make it fair and respectful to both.
This might involve redistributing your household or parenting responsibilities.
Keep in mind that each spouse may also have developed different needs during the period of limerence.
Recognize these needs and work together to fulfill them. This requires a deep level of understanding and empathy from both sides.
Now, this doesn’t mean agreeing to your spouse’s every request.
It involves finding a middle ground where both spouses feel their needs and boundaries are respected.
Distraction and Substitution
Recovering from the different stages of limerence isn’t a linear path. Setbacks are bound to happen.
“Recovery from limerence isn’t a linear path – it’s a journey that requires patience and dedication.”
On some days, you might feel good about your decision to stay in the marriage. But not so much on others.
What you need is to redirect your mental and emotional energy to other things.
Engaging together in shared hobbies or interests helps the limerent spouse shift their focus away from the object of their infatuation.
It stops them from further ruminating on past interactions or “what ifs.” It also lessens the risk of contacting the target of your spouse’s limerent attention.
Consider exploring new activities that you both might enjoy, or revisit past interests that brought joy to your marriage.
Whether it’s a sport, a creative activity like painting or music, or a group activity like a book club or cooking class.
Rebuild Trust with Patience and Understanding
Rebuilding trust after an affair is no easy task.
But it is possible through a series of small, consistent actions over time.
For the non-limerent spouse, offering forgiveness and understanding is crucial, even in the face of hurt and confusion.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or forgetting the pain. It’s about acknowledging it and making a conscious decision to heal your marriage.
Educate yourself on what limerence is and how it’s affecting your spouse.
This can provide context for your spouse’s behavior, helping you see the situation more clearly and respond with empathy.
For the spouse who experienced limerence, show consistent transparency and reliability in your actions. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself and your marriage if you really want to regain your spouse’s trust.
Consider Getting Guidance from Professionals
Sometimes, it may not be enough to recover from limerence on your own.
Seeking help from professionals can be an invaluable step in healing and strengthening your marriage.
Couples coaching is particularly beneficial as it helps both spouses delve into the underlying causes of limerence.
Understanding these root issues is crucial for long-term recovery and for preventing similar patterns in the future.
A coach can guide you in uncovering emotional triggers, addressing issues related to self-esteem, or exploring past experiences that may have influenced your current relationship.
However, the process of recovery speeds up when the individual actively engages in understanding and addressing their emotions.
With enough time and effort, a limerant spouse can gradually recover from their infatuation.
What Does a Balanced Relationship Look Like After Limerence Recovery?
A marriage that has moved beyond limerence often comes out stronger and more connected.
This renewed balance is marked by better communication, with both spouses becoming more open, honest, and empathetic with each other.
They gain a deeper understanding of their own emotional needs and how to express them constructively.
The trust that might have been shaken is steadily rebuilt on a foundation of consistency and transparency.
In this renewed relationship, both spouses typically engage more in activities that they enjoy together, strengthening their bond and rediscovering joy in each other’s company.
They find a balance in their roles and responsibilities, appreciating each other’s contributions.
Both spouses are ready to face future challenges with confidence and a shared commitment to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship.
Recover from Limerence with Marriage Helper
Recovering from limerence is not just about overcoming the immediate obstacles. It’s about building a foundation for a lasting and fulfilling spouseship.
For couples experiencing the struggles of limerence, remember that you are not alone.
Many have gone through it and emerged stronger on the other side.
If you find yourselves needing more support and guidance, Marriage Helper offers a range of resources to help couples in their limerence recovery.
Our workshops offer focused and transformative guidance for you and your spouse – even if you’re separated or your spouse wants out. You can join our online membership to meet an interactive community of couples who might be going through the same problems. You’ll get access to educational resources and tools, all aimed at nurturing and sustaining a healthy, loving relationship.
Tom Sandoval is in a celebratory mood right now after the closure of a bakery in Los Angeles. …Wait, what?!
OK, let’s rewind real quick! Right after Tom’s months-long affair with Vanderpump Rules co-star Rachel Leviss and breakup with Ariana Madix came out in March 2023, the El Lay-based bakery Sweet Lady Jane began to sell Scandoval-themed cakes. They included ones with the words “Sandoval’s a liar” and “Team Ariana” written on top. Ch-ch-check out some of the sugary digs (below):
And months later, Sandoval still appears to be very salty over the cakes! When Sweet Lady Jane announced it was permanently closing after 35 years this week, the reality star did not hesitate to express pure joy over the news. After pal Billie Lee tagged him and asked, “Karma,” in the comments of the Instagram announcement, he responded:
“I never had a cake by @sweetladyjanecakeshop that wasn’t super dried out. Maybe people started to catch on? Also, to charge $$$ selling cakes using my name in negative sangs [sic] on it really hurt my feelings, and almost pushed me over the edge. Good riddance”
Jeez! Billie then added:
“well now we know they were desperate to sell cakes but obviously the hatful negative approach didn’t work.”
See their comments (below):
(c) Sweet Lady Jane/Instagram
Does this remind anyone else of the time he went off on Glamour and journalist Stephanie McNeal for saying he ruined white nail polish due to the cheating scandal? We point out again that out of all the criticisms people have made about him for the past year since Scandoval broke, it is odd that this is what he chooses to clap back at. He was upset over a bakery for selling “Sandoval’s a liar” and “Team Ariana” cakes, which weren’t even the worst things said about him last year! Plus, the shop is already closed, so why continue to kick them while they are down?
Not to mention, he has not even given anywhere near this same energy to his co-stars — especially the most vocal among them, including James Kennedy, Lala Kent, and Scheana Shay. You would think Sandoval would have plenty of strong feelings about them profiting off the scandal and want to express it online or on his podcast. Instead, the singer is slamming a random bakery…
But what are your thoughts on this matter, Perezcious readers? Do you think his comment was unnecessary? Let us know in the comments below.
Have you ever found yourself scrolling through messages, anxiously scanning for signs, or questioning your partner’s sudden change in behavior? You’re not alone. Welcome to the “Gut Feeling He’s Cheating No Proof Quiz,” which has been created by a seasoned relationship counselor who, with a master’s degree in psychology, understands the mental impact of suspicions of cheating.
Did he never put a passcode on his phone and used it freely around you, only to become super careful suddenly? This is one of the weird signs he’s cheating. These little signs, when pieced together, paint a clear picture. This quiz is designed for those at the crossroads, wondering, “Am I insecure, or is he cheating?” Accusing your boyfriend of cheating, only to be wrong, could cause him to feel very hurt. So, we understand why you’d want to be sure first.
Take this short 11-question quiz so you no longer stay up late at night wondering, ‘Is he cheating?’ or ‘Am I insecure, or is he cheating?’ Answer honestly, and let it be your guide to the truth.
We imagine by now you’ve heard the wild news that Amy Robach and TJ Holmes‘ exes are dating! That’s right, the first thing the former GMA hosts produced after their office romance was discovered wasn’t a new show on NewsNation — it was what seemed like a spite couple! LOLz! It’s the type of couple juggling you’d expect from Melrose Place!
But Andrew Shue and Marilee Fiebig didn’t have to go track one another down. They were already friends. Yeah, if you didn’t follow Amy and TJ’s story too closely… they weren’t just co-workers, they hung out outside the job! And they brought their spouses along! We’ve heard the couples went on some double dates and enjoyed the occasional dinner together. Little did poor Andrew and Marilee know their S.O.s were about to get SO close!
Now that the pairing is out there, folks are rediscovering the evidence of how long they’ve been friends, thanks to Marilee’s Instagram. Going back a full SEVEN YEARS, you can see the future spurned-exes-turned-lovers taking an innocent selfie at a work event! Marilee wrote:
“Loved hanging out with our GMA family, especially @ajrobach and her hubby, @7_a_e_s_7, who we don’t get to see nearly enough. #andrewshue”
(c) Marilee Fiebig/Instagram
Hilariously, Amy herself commented on this one, writing:
(c) Instagram
And six months later, they shared this pic with another familiar face from morning TV — Michael Strahan! Marilee wrote:
“Some Fridays are better than others… #fridaynight #friends #gmafamily”
(c) Marilee Fiebig/Instagram
Folks are rediscovering the pics now. Some are even hinting there was something going on between them years back — but let’s not forget they’re the alleged victims here. If the rumors of the months of cheating are true, they’re just halves of a double date that got betrayed — and are making the most of it. If they can find some solace together, isn’t that OK?
What do YOU think about this coupling, Perezcious readers? Let us know in the comments!
Some unexpected changes could be happening in the Vanderpump Rules universe soon!
When news broke earlier this year that Tom Sandoval had a months-long affair with Rachel Leviss behind then-girlfriend Ariana Madix’s back, she received an outpouring of support from fans and even other celebrities. Heck, she got 100x more famous than she’d ever been before!
However, the 38-year-old seems to be preparing herself for the public’s opinion about her to change drastically once Season 11 premieres next year! Someone on social media commented on Instagram in response to the teaser trailer for the season:
“Mark my words, everyone’s gonna hate Ariana this season, and develop a soft spot for Tom.”
This remark prompted Ariana to fire back:
“certainly wouldn’t be surprised if the audience swings that way.”
Whoa! And she was there, so she knows more than that commenter! See (below):
It’s hard to believe fans would switch over to Team Sandoval following the cheating scandal. Even if Scandoval never happened, there have been a ton of fans who’ve never liked the 41-year-old reality since day one of Vanderpump Rules! So we have to wonder what the heck happened in the upcoming season that would make fans turn against Ariana! It must be pretty bad if she feels everyone would switch sides. Unless she simply believes producers are giving Sandoval a redemption arc this season?
And unfortunately, the short teaser doesn’t give us any hints! If anything, the video makes it seem like fans would dislike Sandoval more as Ariana slammed him for allegedly “attempt[ed] to kill [her] f**king dog.” Hmm. We will have to wait to find out if Ariana’s prediction comes true when the show airs again in January!
Thoughts, Perezcious readers? Would you ever switch over to Team Sandoval? Let us know in the comments below!
The Thank U, Next singer spent her Halloween indoors — at boyfriend Ethan Slater’s play! The Broadway actor, who co-stars alongside Ari in 2024’s Wicked, landed the roles of The Historian and Prince Herbert in Spamalot, the Monty Python musical that’s being revived this month. And it sounds like Ari got to see an early preview!
In pics obtained by multiple outlets, the Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored singer can be seen exiting the St. James Theatre on Tuesday night alongside a friend with her playbill in hand and a Spamalot crown atop her head. She was all smiles, too, so it looked like she was having some fun! See for yourself (below):
Ariana Grande Swarmed by Fans While Seeing BF Ethan Slater in ‘Spamalot’ On Broadway | Click to read more ???? https://t.co/vEE5Ea98sj
But as excited as she may have been to see her man, it looks like her fans were even more excited to see her! In footage obtained by TMZ on Wednesday, Ariana can be seen exiting the NYC venue to a crowd of fans eager to snap pics with her! Damn! Still, it seemed like she was more concerned for their safety above anything else as she approached a waiting car:
Ari and Ethan sure seem to be moving full steam ahead with their controversial romance… Sources told the outlet that the 34+35 singer feels like herself with the SpongeBob actor — even more so than she has in previous relationships. Inneresting!
Thoughts, Perezcious readers?? Let us know down in the comments!
Is Tom Sandoval really a narcissist? We’re about to find out!
Ever since the reality star had an affair behind Ariana Madix’s back with their Vanderpump Rules co-star Rachel Leviss, their castmates and fans repeatedly have called him a textbook narcissist. But instead of ignoring what others have said about him in the wake of Scandoval, he took a test to determine whether this is true! And no, we’re not kidding.
Board-certified physician and addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky joined the television personality on his podcast Everybody Loves Tom on Thursday to discuss a “narcissism test” he took. And the results are in! Brace yourselves, Perezcous readers, because you won’t believe the outcome!
Despite what most people may think, Dr. Drew revealed Sandoval is… NOT a narcissist. Huh?!?! He explained:
“You are not measurably narcissistic. It is a test for narcissistic traits. It is not a way of diagnosing a disorder but it is a way of showing traits. You actually scored very low.”
Dr. Drew said the average score on the test is in the 15 or 16 range. But for Tom? He apparently scored a 7! According to the Teen Mom reunion host, that is the lowest rating on the scale he’s ever seen:
“You are actually one of the lower ones that I’ve seen, which is interesting.”
What? This guy lied and cheated for months while his girlfriend was mourning the loss of her grandmother. Sandoval can’t even take full responsibility for carrying on an affair with her best friend behind her back to this day! And you’re telling us he’s not a narcissist? Does anyone buy this? Like, we would not be surprised if Sandoval lied on this test to get his desired outcome – just like a narcissist would. But who knows! We could be wrong. We bet fans are going to want Sandoval and Dr. Drew to pull out the receipts or at least record the Bravolebrity taking the test on camera again, though!
There was one area on the test Sandoval scored “slightly” higher on. And this will be no surprise to longtime VPR viewers – it’s vanity! Dr. Drew said:
“The only thing you were slightly up on was vanity. That is a reasonable measurement of something you’re interested in because of your appearance. It is not good or bad, it is just a trait.”
Sandoval felt he knew he wouldn’t score high on the narcissism scale as he witnessed that kind of behavior from other cast members on the reality show. Without naming names (but he’s probably talking about his former best friend Jax Taylor), he shared:
“I knew because I had been around people with narcissistic traits — they are on our show — so I know what it is like. I just know that I am not those people.”
Some – like Ariana and Lala Kent – most likely would disagree with him! On top of being vain, Dr. Drew said the musician was co-dependent and saw those traits in him following their candid discussion with each other:
“I think you are more on the codependent side and less on the narcissistic side. Codependency is a construct, it is not a diagnosis. It is a situation where it is hard to assert yourself. You are not great at boundaries and when you see people in pain, you have to make it stop. You feel like you have to make it stop because you feel like an empathic person but underneath it is your own pain being mobilized that you have to make stop. You have to distinguish your pain from other people’s pain.”
You can also watch the podcast episode (below):
Hmm… What do YOU think, Perezcious readers? Do you feel Sandoval is more co-dependent than narcissistic? Or do you believe he messed with his answers on the test?
