Dear Eric: Mid-pandemic, my family and I moved to my husband’s hometown, hundreds of miles from our old city. It was a very difficult transition for me. I am a stay-at-home mom and the opportunities to meet people were very limited because of the pandemic.
However, about a year ago, I met two other moms with young children in the neighborhood. We became very close and now spend two to three days together every week, at the library, playground, or each other’s houses.
Meeting them was truly a lifesaver, giving myself and my children opportunities to socialize and pulling me out of my loneliness and depression.
However, my husband does not approve of these new friendships. He has come up with every excuse why we shouldn’t spend time together — their children misbehave and are a bad influence on our children (they act typical for their age, like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum); they make a mess of our house (which our children also do, with or without them); and their husbands have ill intentions toward me (which is absurd).
He even went so far as to ask his friend to come supervise when one of my friend’s husbands picked their kids up from our house when she was not there. I love my husband and want to have a happy and harmonious home. However, I value these friendships greatly and believe they make me a happier person, and therefore a better mother and wife.
— Finally Have Friends
Dear Finally: Your husband must not have much going on at work, because minding your business seems like a full-time job. This isn’t right. He’s acting out a very misplaced feeling of insecurity and until he works on that, I doubt any friendship you have is going to pass his quixotic standards.
Tell it to him straight: It’s important for me to have friends. Without them, I struggle with depression and loneliness. I know that you want the best for me and for our kids, so you need to tell me what this is really about.
He may not have a good answer. Again, that’s his work to do. The end of the conversation should be: These are the friends that bring me happiness. Is my happiness important to you? If so, I need you to support me in this.
And then don’t entertain any further complaints. This doesn’t need to be debated. If he’s not supportive of your happiness, that’s a bigger problem. But I hope he’s willing to do the work.
Dear Eric: My son is getting engaged to a wonderful woman. They are in their late 20s. My husband and I are retired and have a limited yet comfortable income.
The bride is the oldest of two children and first to marry. Her parents are younger and wealthy. Her mother has told them that the wedding must be a large and lavish affair she has been planning for years with more than 120 of their guests.
My husband and I have told the couple that we will give them a sum of money for the wedding needs — what we can afford — and will make no demands or get in their way to do whatever they want. They are relieved.
We are unsure how this will go over with her family as they may want us to fork out all the expenses for a lavish groom’s dinner, full open bar, etc., they plan or want. I cannot count on the bride to stand up for us as her mom is so manipulative.
Our only dilemma is how much money is a normal sum to give the couple if they were a normal, average couple, not considering her wealthy situation. I am not planning to mortgage our home or hand over five figures for this.
— Wedding Gift Dilemma
Dear Dilemma: As with rings (which some traditions dictate the groom’s family pays for), there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. And that’s the good news. Give only what is financially reasonable for you, knowing that your relationship with the couple is what’s important here. Not the wishes, hopes, and elaborate plans of the bride’s family.
Tradition often suggests that the groom’s family plans the rehearsal dinner, but that also means it’s yours to plan if you choose. So, you don’t have to have a lavish affair if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to plan it, that’s fine, too. Many families will write a check and leave it up to the couple to apply it to their budget.
I think the latter is the way you should go. The couple’s struggles with the bride’s family are their responsibility and they will have to learn how to navigate it. Give what you want and then step back. Tradition frowns upon the mother of the bride shaking you down for more cash like an old-timey casino bookie.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Dear Eric: Ordinarily, my friend is loving and affectionate to her middle-aged cat. She takes good care of him, with food, water, and attention. Today, she told me her cat has a condition that requires medical care, but she feels the vet just wants her money.
Instead, she is choosing a less costly homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, telling me she knows the cat may not have long to live.
Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her personal decision. My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised; after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I need to not judge but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help my friend?
— Pet Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: Oh, I feel so sad for this cat and for your friend. It sounds like your friend is making the best decision she can, given her financial circumstances. I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a corner. To wit, if she feels she can’t rely on the vet for good advice, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.
In terms of re-framing, it might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners. Your local No-Kill shelter or nonprofit is a good place to start searching for resources.
If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.
Dear Eric: My husband died 11 years ago. He was the greatest love of my life (so far?). Things became really bad two years before he passed due to his alcoholism.
When we met, both of us were clean and sober. About four or five years later, during a romantic weekend, we both lost our sobriety. However, nothing changed between us or our relationship. We only drank on weekends after our son was in bed, and we never frequented bars. We drank at home. His drinking escalated quickly, especially after his father died. Things between us went downhill from there.
Eventually, I realized I had to leave. But when I found out he had three to six months to live, I moved back to take care of him.
Since he died, I have not only struggled to survive financially, but I struggle with moving on emotionally. I haven’t dated or sought any relationship with any man. I don’t trust any man who shows an interest in me.
I want to be happy again. I want to feel that joy, enthusiasm and lust for life, and find someone to share that with! I know something has got to be wrong with me if I’m rejecting men who want to know me.
Should I seek a therapist or just accept that I might be too messed up to move on?
— Stuck in Grief
Dear Stuck: You are not too messed up. You are suffering, yes. You are dealing with a lot, even 11 years later, yes. But you aren’t broken beyond repair.
If you haven’t been already, please see if an Al-Anon meeting or a Smart Recovery Family meeting feels right to you. As you know, alcoholism is a family disease and his drinking affected you, even when you were drinking, too. Maybe you’re feeling guilt, blame, anger, or codependency and those feelings are keeping you from moving forward in your life and in other relationships.
The whirlwind of the dissolution of your marriage and his death blew up your life. Without processing your feelings around it, it’s going to be hard to move ahead. Seek out the free resources mentioned above to begin the journey. They may also be able to point you to free or sliding-scale therapy, where you can get more specific in your healing journey.
Don’t feel that you need to jump back into the dating pool too quickly. Time takes time. But the fact that you’re reaching out, that you’ve expressed such a strong desire to connect, indicates that you’re ready to let some of this go in favor of a more healed future. I wish you luck.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Dear Eric: My sister was engaged to a guy, “Peter.” I’ve known Peter for a long time. Not long before the wedding, she broke the engagement because she met someone else, “Rick.”
She married Rick and they moved away. Peter and I have never really spoken about my sister or what happened, but I know he was deeply hurt. I’ve not heard of him dating anyone since then.
Peter knows she married Rick but she’s not on social media so he may not even know that, in the last three years, they have had two children and just found out she’s pregnant with twins. My sister and Rick are moving back to the area. It’s a small enough place that it’s only a matter of time before they cross paths.
I’d like to say something to Peter. My husband says to keep well out of it, they’re all adults and will have to work it out for themselves. I know I’d like to be prepared if I were in Peter’s shoes. What do you think?
— Bad News Bearer
Dear Bearer: Stay out of it and let Peter take his chances with kismet, coincidence, and all the other cosmic forces that bring exes together at the best/worst possible moments in rom-coms and nighttime soap opera cliffhangers.
While you’ve known Peter for a while, you write that you haven’t heard about him dating other people. If you were close, he’d tell you himself.
So, he may not be at a point, emotionally, where your sister’s happy home life will devastate him anymore. Or, if he is still tender, hearing the news from you might feel just as bad as stumbling upon it himself. Leave him be and let the plot mechanics of small-town life do what they will.
Dear Eric: While shopping at Costco, I witnessed a woman in her 40s, who appeared to be struggling with a large, heavy box on a high shelf. As she attempted to remove it, the box slipped and fell in front of me.
I hesitated to help, partly out of concern for my own safety in lifting something potentially heavy, and partly because I wasn’t sure how to react. I also thought she could have asked an employee for help, which is what I would have done. By the way, I’m a petite Asian woman in my late 50s, and the lady who dropped the box was a white woman.
As I walked away, she confronted me, saying she would have offered to help if the roles were reversed. This made me feel guilty, so I offered to assist her, but she declined and walked away upset. I’m left wondering if I was wrong not to help her immediately and if it’s fair for her to have confronted me like that. Additionally, I’m curious if the racial dynamics might have played a role in my reaction or her response.
— Hesitant Helper
Dear Helper: One thing is for sure: the lawyers who handle liability for the Costco corporation would have greatly preferred that the woman ask an employee for help with the heavy box instead of trying to wrangle it down herself.
Other things are less clear. We’ll never know if your race was a motivator for her, consciously or unconsciously. But, as a person of color, being yelled at in public like that possibly brought up hard emotions for you from other experiences that were more overtly racialized. It’s healthy to process that.
I’m unsure when she wanted your help — while getting the box down or when trying to pick it back up. Either way, her decision-making has nothing to do with you. What if you had a bad back? What if you’d just gotten a manicure? One is never going to go wrong asking another person “Do you want help?” But you can also communicate clearly about what help is possible if it’s asked for. “I don’t feel safe supporting that box, but if you push it back and wait, I can grab an employee.”
Dear Eric: Your advice to Willed to Give (August 3) may have omitted a key point. The stepson supposedly “whined” his mother into changing her will on her “deathbed”. This has the earmarks of undue influence and other potential legal issues. The daughters would be well advised to see an estate litigation attorney to review these suspicious facts.
— Reader
Dear Reader: I should have been more precise with my language. I wrote that the will was unchangeable. That’s not true. The daughters can contest, even if the letter writer can’t.
Willed to Give can give the above advice to his daughters, but I’d caution him against getting any more involved in the situation, as his unwilling involvement was the problem he wrote in about in the first place.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Dear Eric: I’m involved with a man whose sister recently died. I rented a car, bought his kids clothes for the funeral and made sure everything was in order. The funeral was out of town. I wanted to be there for support, but he didn’t invite me. I took off of work and he left with his kids.
When I told him how I felt about not being invited, he said he assumed I wouldn’t want to go, but didn’t consider me or ask me. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, though. Should I just take it for what it is, because clearly I don’t matter enough?
— Left Behind
Dear Left: Try not to take this instance personally. When we’re grieving, we’re not always thinking about every angle.
If it’s a pattern of behavior with other things that aren’t emergencies or tragedies, try talking to him proactively to see if it changes things. For instance, if there’s something that you want to be invited to, let him know in advance. Or if you’re doing labor to help him, like buying the kids clothes, tell him. “I see the kids need outfits, so I thought I would take them shopping. Would that be helpful?” Sometimes we have to over-communicate so that we don’t feel misunderstood.
Dear Eric: My husband suffers from frequent insomnia. When he has trouble sleeping, he spends a while (sometimes several hours) reading in bed. He uses a small flashlight, but it’s still bright enough to keep me awake. So does the sound of turning the pages in the book.
He insists that I ought to be able to sleep through that, but I can’t. The sleep lost because of these middle-of-the-night reading sessions puts a big dent in my productivity at work. Our apartment has one bedroom, so I can’t ask him to go read (and sleep) in some other bedroom. Should I insist that he go to the living room to do his reading?
— Sleepless Spouse
Dear Sleepless: It’s pretty ironic that he’s telling you what you should be able to sleep through. Facts not in evidence!
While the Sharper Image catalogs of the world may assure us that tiny reading lights are the solution for unobtrusive bedtime reading, everyone is different. A half-hour of reading is one thing, but having a whole study session while you toss and turn? I don’t think so.
Kindly insist on the living room, at least until the point in the night where his medical condition relents a little and you can both get some shuteye.
Dear Eric: I’ve been dating an amazing guy for the past three years. He is the man I have been looking for my entire life.
But he does not seem to want to move forward with marriage. We are in our 50s and have our own homes and are financially stable.
He was married for a very long time and it ended in divorce. Since then he had a couple of serious relationships where it sounded like he was strongly considering marriage, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. Him not moving our relationship forward makes me feel like I’m not important enough to marry.
I don’t know if I should give it more time as I think he is slow to make decisions about everything in life or put a timeframe on the table. I don’t know that I will ever be satisfied if I do not have a ring on my finger. Am I wasting my time?
— Impatiently Waiting
Dear Waiting: You’re waiting for him to pop the question, but have you asked each other preliminary questions about marriage and your shared future? You can, and should, have the proposal you want but the first step for every couple is talking about dreams, desires, baggage, and the like.
You have agency here. Have you asked him whether he ever sees himself getting married again? Or what his vision for the two of you might be? Have you shared with him your vision? It’s important to do this so that you’re not carrying around the weight of unmet expectations.
Your letter has words like “seem” and “sounded like”; it’s not unfair to ask for clarity. That will strengthen your relationship.
Now, if you’ve already had the marriage talk and it’s a non-starter for him, that’s another issue.
Because if you’ve said that you want to get married and he doesn’t want to or has met your desire with a non-response, he’s either not hearing you clearly or purposefully ignoring you. That’s trouble. Say to him, “When I talk about getting married, it’s because that’s a way for me to know our love is real and meaningful to you. Can you help me see where you’re coming from?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years about a month ago, because I started to realize I only had platonic feelings for him. I recently met a guy who also just got out of a two-year relationship, and we clicked in a way I’ve never felt with anyone. We have the same sense of humor, the same upbringing, and the same values and priorities in terms of family and independence.
We met through a mutual friend who introduced us specifically because we’d both gotten out of long-term relationships and only wanted to have casual fun. So keeping things low-key was implied from the beginning. But over the past few weeks, we’ve had conversations about how we feel—and ultimately, both of us have caught feelings. We’ve talked about how our situation no longer feels like a “no strings attached” thing, and we’ve started going on dates and spending way more time together.
Although we’ve both expressed our feelings for each other, neither of us wants anything serious right now. I’m attending college in Tallahassee and he lives in Miami, and long-distance isn’t something I’m ready for. Any advice on how to go about this and not get my heart broken?
Sincerely, Cautiously Crushing
Photo: Alexander Bemis. Design: Sasha Purdy/StyleCaster
Dear Cautiously Crushing,
Being a young college student will always be one of the busiest and most emotionally intense periods of your life. Yes, you’re officially an adult. But you’re also experiencing many adult things for the first time, such as moving away from home, having sex, going to bars, and of course, falling in love. And while all these big and overwhelming feelings are happening, you’re juggling schoolwork, internships, and day jobs. Any wise elder would advise you to keep it light during this time—to think of your college experience as a sampler of all that adulthood has to offer. Why make major commitments when you’re still trying to figure out what you even want to do with your life in the first place?
But here’s the thing—you can’t avoid heartbreak without hurting yourself in the long run. To avoid heartbreak is to avoid living your life. Every time you set out to achieve your desires, you are taking a risk with your heart. Whenever you love something enough to become passionate about it, you’re putting yourself in a position to feel let down, disappointed, or worse—rejected. Does that mean you should board up your house, delete your contacts, and protect yourself from ever getting hurt? Hell no. When you’re 80-years-old and looking back on your life, you want lessons to share, wisdoms to impart, and stories to tell. You want to have lived a life that’s filled to the brim with trial, error, and the beauty of getting it right. You know who doesn’t have good stories to tell? People who have never had their heart broken.
Upon looking at your birth chart, it makes immediate sense why you’re concerned about things getting “too serious” with your new and unexpected love interest. You were born with your rising sign in Gemini, a mutable air sign that craves the freedom to explore and the curiosity to keep their options open. With this placement, you could easily spend many years without being in a relationship and have the time of your life, especially during your college experience. (Learn more about your rising sign.)
Being a Gemini rising means your birth chart is ruled by Mercury, planet of communication. And in your case, your natal Mercury is in Scorpio, a fixed water sign known for intense passion and a strong emotional desire to merge ideas and probe for deep-seated details. In other words, you’re a much deeper Gemini rising—someone who needs emotional chemistry in order to feel interested. Like it or not, you are someone who wants to get down to the nitty gritty and really get to know someone. But once you do get to know someone, it becomes so much harder to separate from them. And yet, you still want to plumb the depths of someone’s soul. Your natal Mercury in Scorpio is also sitting in conjunction with your South Node of Karma, which represents what you’re still carrying from your past lives. This makes you nostalgic, loyal, and someone who doesn’t easily forget. The past weighs heavy on you. And that’s one reason you’re pretty damn certain you don’t want to get too attached! You know what happens when you do. (Learn more about your Mercury sign.)
Even though you’re still a super young adult, you’re no stranger to how painful heartbreak can be. You were born with your natal Venus—planet of love—in Virgo, situated in your fourth house of home and family. This makes you someone who really plants roots when you’re in love. You want to see them every day—not every few months because you live far away from each other. And because your natal Venus is in an exact square to your natal Pluto—planet of creation and destruction—it may feel as though there’s always a sharp object chafing against your sweet heart. Your natal Pluto is also sitting in your seventh house of partnership, emphasizing the impact this has on your love life. There’s always a fear of getting hurt lingering just around the corner of your relationships. And sometimes, that fear can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, especially if you’re more afraid of getting hurt than simply accepting the universal truth that nothing really lasts forever, not even a relationship with someone who lives across the street from you. Eventually, our bodies will part ways from each other, but our spirits remain intertwined for all eternity. (Learn more about the 12 houses of astrology.)
All of this is to say heartbreak is not something you should fear, because it’s inevitable. It’s simply a part of life. Of course, you can—and should—learn from past mistakes so you don’t overlook red flags in the future and waste your heart on someone who doesn’t deserve it. But do you really want to say you didn’t fall in love during college when you had the chance? Even if it doesn’t work out between you two, does that mean you will have “hurt” each other? Contrary to popular belief, two people can come together, fall in love, and decide to part ways without betraying or disrespecting each other. Ask yourself—do you think this is the type of man who can go through a breakup without stooping to low blows?
Regardless of your answer to that question, it’s understandable that you’re both so attracted to each other. He was born with his sun in Sagittarius, which is your seventh house of partnerships. This essentially means that he represents your vision of an ideal partner—someone who has all the qualities of that you’d want your future husband or “better half” to have. He was also born with his moon in Libra, which is your fifth house of love and pleasure. This indicates that there is a deep romantic connection between you and that being together makes life feel more exciting. He completely understands and relates to your idea of “fun.” However, that doesn’t mean keeping the spark alive will be easy. His natal Venus is also in your sixth house of service, which can be a sign that your relationship would also require a lot of work and maintenance. That doesn’t mean it’s not possible, but that it would require effort on both of your parts. (Learn more about your Venus sign.)
Whether you want to or not, I do see you falling in love with someone, especially after your 20th birthday later this year. Your birthday—aka your “solar return”—is always a momentous occasion in astrology, as it can tell you all about how this next year will unfold. In your solar return chart, Venus will be in your seventh house of partnerships, forming a positive sextile to your natal Jupiter in your romantic fifth house. This indicates a major love story, but one that may be fleeting rather than lasting. After all, your solar return chart also has Venus in a tough square with your natal Uranus, which brings sudden changes, independence, and rebellious energy into the mix. Even if this relationship starts off hot and ends cold, it might be easier to sever ties from it than you think, thanks to this influence from unpredictable Uranus.
Even if it does eventually end on a bitter note, the pain could inspire you to try things you never thought you could do. You see, heartbreak is important because of what it inspires us to do. Getting one’s heart broken is often the inception story for the greatest and most successful people in history. Let your heart get broken, because it means you cared about something. In order to achieve your dreams, you have to be the one who cares more than anyone else in the room. Give yourself permission to care, even if it means falling flat on your face. Because you will! Over and over again. But you will eventually pull yourself back up, becoming more ten times more powerful in the process.
Dreamily, Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
Dear Eric: My youngest son (my baby!) had a horrible breakup last year. I still hate her and sob-yelled during an Alanis Morrissette concert to “You Oughta Know.” Yes, I sob-yelled in public. Cue shame. And righteousness. Hate is powerful. Said son is adorable, nice, has a great job that he loves, etc. Yet, he won’t date.
Let’s be clear. I need grandchildren from this boy. He’s the best one of the bunch (don’t tell the others). How do I encourage him to get out there without actually saying those words? Or do I just adopt more cats as my grandchildren?
— Morose Mom
Dear Mom: Cats. As I vividly recall from the Morrissette-fueled sob-yell periods of my youth, the chorus of “You Oughta Know” includes the line “I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.” Alanis would no doubt remind us that getting over any breakup, particularly a horrible one, can be a long, grueling experience.
There’s a rule of thumb that posits it takes half the length of a relationship to get over the end of said relationship. But don’t go running to your calendar to circle some due date in your son’s future. His mileage will vary.
This process is his own to create and he is currently taking the time he needs to heal. You know how hard it was for you to get over the breakup — indeed, it seems like you’re still working through it — so imagine what a mess he’s left cleaning up in his own heart and psyche. The last thing you want is for him to jump into a rebound relationship and start having babies.
You clearly have a lot of compassion for your son, which is wonderful. But be careful not to slide into codependent tendencies. The breakup may hurt you but it’s still his breakup. Tread carefully and keep your comments in the supportive, rather than prescriptive, range. No mom wants to see their child go through heartbreak, but you’re not going to help him gain the emotional strength needed to jump back into the dating pool by pressuring him.
Dear Eric: I am 67 years old and have kept a daily diary since I was 15. I grew up in the ’70s and things were, shall we say, a little crazy (sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, as experienced by a woman who went to a parochial school and wasn’t exactly a model of obedience). Times were different.
Now, I wonder what to do with all of these volumes of my life. I’m married, but we have no children and no relatives that I would even remotely consider entrusting the good, bad and ugly of my/our lives to. I feel as though they have historical meaning, perhaps significant to some entity, but finding that entity has been problematic. Any suggestions?
It has become such an ingrained part of my life to write every day that I would find it difficult to just stop, but if all of them are destined to end up in a landfill somewhere, I might have to make some hard choices. Incidentally, I’m seriously optimistic that I have at least a couple more decades of diaries left to write, if I do continue.
— Daily Diarist
Dear Diarist: What a beautiful gift you’ve given yourself. Please, don’t stop even if you haven’t found a historian or museum that might want your diaries, yet. Years back, I worked with an organization called SAGE, which collects or al histories from LGBTQ+ e lders relating to their experiences in housing. Our goal was to find anecdotal evidence of housing discrimination to help inform policy-making, but the best way to do that was to simply ask people to reflect on their past and tell stories. It was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life and helped me to see my own future much differently. None of us know the impact that our stories will have.
In the future, you may want to redact the spicier parts of the diaries and talk to a community organization, historian, or even a local theater company about making a donation they can use to create something new. Consider reaching out to local history departments to see if they have any grad students focusing on times you have an insight into. Talk about your diary practice with friends, relatives, and acquaintances. Tell them what this practice has meant to you and what you’ve learned. By sharing this part of your life and letting people know the diaries exist, you may spark ideas in others. At the very least, you will likely inspire others to think about their own lives and the value of recording them. Your diaries can start doing good in the world even before they leave your grasp.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
Dear Readers: To mark my final week writing this column, I’m re-running some memorable Q&As.
Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.
He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing — the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.
Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.
Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused, or even angry.
I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.
How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?
— Protected Secret
Dear Protected: First of all — I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.
My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.
Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things all define you.
And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.
This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.
Write down your thoughts.
Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.
I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard for me and so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”
If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories — joyful and heartbreaking — go along with you.
Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back.
You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.
(November 2019)
Dear Amy: We are planning a costume party at my workplace.
We all decided to dress up as people from an iconic TV show. However, two of my coworkers, who are light skinned, are going over the top to change their skin tone to match the darker-toned cast members of the show.
I personally do not feel comfortable with this. I think it is not only insulting, but very unprofessional.
I’m not sure how to get that across without being rude. My attempts at reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears. In their minds, it is clearly innocent and meant as a joke.
I personally do not see it as a joke, and I don’t want to be involved in a group photo with two people doing something I don’t agree with. What can I do?
— Insulted
Dear Insulted: Artificially changing the color of your skin in order to assume another person’s race as part of a costume is demeaning and racist — no matter who does it.
Iconic TV characters likely have many characteristics aside from the actor’s skin tone that your co-workers could use as part of their impersonation.
Given this rude, ill-considered, potentially career-ending behavior on the part of your co-workers, why are you worried about being rude?
You should say, “I get that you think this is lighthearted and funny, but I’m not comfortable with it. I think this is racist, and not cool or funny at all.”
Do not, under any circumstances, appear in a photo with these “jokers.”
(October 2019)
Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can send your questions to him at Eric@askingeric.com.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: My 83-year-old widowed mother is depressed, and I don’t know how to help.
She refuses to see a therapist and sees drugs as a crutch. She has always been a very private person, is generally distrustful of doctors, and would never let down her shields to a stranger.
I have told her that I am not a therapist, but she has lately begun to confide in me about things that, even as an adult, I shouldn’t be hearing.
Depression runs in the family. I have seen a therapist in the past and am on medication, so I understand and empathize, but it’s getting to the point where I dread seeing her, and yet I know that I’m her only lifeline.
How do I help her?
— Worried
Dear Worried: People sometimes start to reveal long-repressed or suppressed trauma very late in life, when — for a variety of reasons (medical, emotional, and cognitive) — their defenses are down. Studies of WWII survivors have shown that the strong and stoic “Greatest Generation” have experienced nightmares, remembered traumatic events and suffered from depression very late in life.
Quoting from one study: “In aging individuals, the classical symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not be manifest, yet considerable distress may occur in the face of re-awakened memories of traumatic experiences.”
Therapy helps. Medication helps. And yet many elders are resistant to the idea of treatment in the ways your mother is.
My first suggestion is that you should resume in-person (or telehealth) therapy right away, in order to process this burden, which is a trigger for you.
I urge you to seek healthy ways to be open and present for your mother, while resisting the temptation to try to provide answers or your own brand of therapy for her.
Being in the moment with her is a special and challenging kind of witnessing. You stroke her hand. You say, “Mom, I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.” You sit quietly, and if you’re able, you stay quietly in the moment with her, letting her speak.
I wonder if you might be able to urge your mother toward treatment by asking her if she would consider doing this “for” or with you.
A good and competent therapist helps their client transition from being a stranger — to a trusted and helpful ally.
Dear Amy: I got married (at 30) to a man who had two children.
The girl was seven, the boy was two.
We were together for 16 years before divorcing, and although I have a close bond to the now 53-year-old former step-daughter, I have never been successful in having a bond with the son.
Now, 30 years after my divorce from his father, I received an invitation to his daughter’s high school graduation party.
I am flummoxed and am unsure about how to respond to this gesture.
I do not know this young woman and have never been included in their lives.
Should I just send a nice card?
— On the Fence
Dear On the Fence: Yes, just send a nice card. There is never a downside to sending a nice card.
In the far corners of your personal universe, someone, somewhere, suggested that this young woman should reach out to you to invite you to her graduation party.
The graduate’s aunt (the former step-daughter you’ve stayed close to) might have encouraged her brother and his daughter to make an effort to get to know you a little bit.
Some people might accuse this girl of “trolling for gifts,” but my theory is that the high school graduation celebration is often the first party young people have inviting privileges to which includes a wider circle than their immediate friends — and they tend to cast a wide and sometimes awkward net.
Dear Amy: “Sad Future Bride” had no men in her life to walk her down the aisle and her mother didn’t want to do it, either.
My niece was recently wed. She was an older bride marrying for the second time and I was pleased to see their processional. She entered alone, moving slowly down the aisle with her eyes on her groom who waited for her at the half-way point. There they joined hands and continued together to the front.
I thought about the symbolism of their entry: two people alone, meeting halfway, and traveling the rest of the way together. Sounds like the definition of a marriage, doesn’t it?
— Wedding Witness
Dear Witness: This is great. I hope it catches on.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: Which is the default position regarding asking for help versus offering to help?
For instance, let’s say I’m at work and someone walks past my desk several times, carrying a big box each time.
Assuming that carrying the big box is part of their job, do I stop doing MY job to offer my assistance, just because it is the polite thing to do?
Or since the person obviously sees me each time, would the onus be on them to actually ask for help if they truly needed it? (I would gladly help, by the way.)
If I purposely look for it, I see lots of people throughout my day potentially in need of assistance (loading groceries into their car, reaching for something on a high shelf, etc).
But without them requesting help, I feel like I could be spending my days constantly helping others with their daily lives as opposed to doing the things I need to do for myself.
Is it my responsibility in polite society to assume that people in need are too shy to ask for help, and therefore I should always be offering it?
If I need help, I ask!
I know every case is different, but I’m kinda looking for a default position.
“If you want my help, just ask!”
— Passively Helpful Guy
Dear Helpful: If you are using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a big-box-bearing colleague walks past, then by all means — carry on with what you’re doing.
If you’re staring into space, pondering the perfect salutation for that next email (hmmm, ‘Hi There’ or ‘Dear Friend’?) and someone’s passing by carrying a big box, then I think you should make eye contact and ask, “Can I give you a hand with that?”
The way you frame this dilemma, you seem to believe that if you pay too close attention, you could spend your days leaping up to help strangers.
OK! Sounds good — and Amen to you.
Unlike you, not enough people ask for help when they need it.
So yes, you should be the person who offers to fetch something off a high shelf, offers to hold the door for a parent pushing a stroller, or offers to help if someone seems to be struggling to carry a box across your field of vision.
Let this be your “default” position.
In my opinion, asking for help is an extremely important act. In addition to possibly receiving assistance, the person asking for help also grants a nice guy like you the opportunity to offer it.
Dear Amy: My son “Aaron” is 6 years old.
Aaron’s grandmother “Omi” is deceased, and his grandfather has remarried a woman Aaron always previously addressed as “Miss Helen.”
I’m wondering: Is it OK to force a child to address a step-grandma as “Grandma” before he is ready?
His grandfather feels that since he has married Helen it is disrespectful for his grandson to address her this way.
I think that whatever way Aaron feels comfortable calling her should be fine.
Currently, whenever he slips up, his grandfather tells him how disrespectful he is.
I’m afraid of what might happen if he keeps slipping up, and what punishment his grandfather might deliver.
Your opinion?
— Upset Mother
Dear Upset: I agree with you that a 6-year-old child should be gently introduced into a family transition and not punished if he doesn’t quite catch on to the new program. He is 6!
The immediate — and probably lasting — consequence of this pressure will be that “Aaron” will most likely choose not to address his new step-grandmother at all, for fear of slipping up.
His grandfather’s harshness will not inspire respect, but timidity, and possibly — fear. Aaron will then choose to avoid these two adults, which is an instinctive and rational reaction to their behavior. And patterns and relationships established in youth have a way of sticking.
These grandparents need to realize that while it is easy to demand respect, commanding respect takes time, patience, and setting a positive example. This grandfather is failing, and when Aaron starts avoiding him, the grandfather will claim not to have the slightest idea why.
Dear Readers: Before I show myself out at the end of June, I’m delighted to make way for your newest advice-giver: R. Eric Thomas, whose “Asking Eric” column will continue to foster the engaging relationship we’ve shared. Eric is young, smart, and a talented advice-giver — formerly of the Dear Prudence column.
You can help Eric get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: My wife and her sister “Bobbi” have stopped speaking to each other over a disagreement that has now lasted for more than two years.
Our families live on opposite coasts, so communication has always relied on phone/video calls.
During the pandemic, my wife made a particular effort to schedule video calls for our young children with their Aunt Bobbi (who they have only seen in person once or twice).
Before one such scheduled call, my wife informed Bobbi that the kids weren’t feeling well, and canceled the call. Bobbi was very upset, and what followed was an angry and hurtful exchange based on various unresolved feelings (both related and unrelated), ultimately leading to the complete and mutual estrangement.
As a consequence, no further video calls with the kids were scheduled.
Bobbi then emailed me, characterizing my wife’s half of their estrangement as “blocking her access to the kids,” and expecting me to establish for her regular communication with our children.
I found this to be awkward and unreasonable, and suggested that she make an effort to repair her relationship with her sister. However, Bobbi was insulted by this suggestion, and now she is not responding to me, either!
Silent treatment notwithstanding, Bobbi still sends messages to my email address that she intends for our children (happy birthday, etc).
I’ve replied and thanked her each time, including a civil message hoping to tee up an easy response — she hasn’t once replied to me.
I am befuddled and hurt by her expectations of maintaining a relationship with our kids, but refusing to have one with their parents.
As a result, I’ve stopped showing the emails to the kids.
This doesn’t feel like a good way to handle the situation, but I don’t know what else to do.
Any advice?
— Befuddled
Dear Befuddled: I applaud your efforts to mediate some sort of uneasy peace between these sisters.
You seem to have done your utmost to encourage “Bobbi” to behave in a minimally respectful way — first toward your wife and now toward you, but she is obviously not willing to engage in even a superficial and cordial exchange with you.
I agree that passing these emails along to your children presents a tough dilemma.
I’m going to hedge and suggest that you remind your sister-in-law of your wife’s email address, and subsequently give any messages sent to you (for the kids) to your wife and let her make the decision of whether to pass them to the children.
More siblings are now engaging in therapy together in order to try to heal estrangements. With the magic of telehealth, this can be done remotely. These two sisters need it.
Most of all, I hope that you and your wife will take this as a challenge to teach your children healthy ways to communicate, especially when they are in conflict.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years.
His late wife was a wonderful woman. They were together for 30 years before her sudden death.
He still has a copy of their wedding photo on the wall in the bedroom we share.
I am not happy about it. I expressed my concerns, however it is still up.
What should I do? Do you think he is still grieving?
— Concerned
Dear Concerned: Grief isn’t an all-or-nothing state, but tends to walk through a person’s daily life. Grief … passes through.
You’ve expressed your concerns about having this photo in your bedroom (and I can see why that would be a concern), but you don’t seem to have offered any alternatives. Is there another place in the house where the photo could be integrated into a larger story of your guy’s life, featuring other photos from your pasts, as well as those of your shared life?
I hope you’ll make some reasonable suggestions.
Dear Amy: “Want to Help” was feeling awkward about how to help a family member diagnosed with cancer.
When I was diagnosed (stage three), it seemed as if everybody became tongue tied.
Those who asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?” usually never wound up being helpful, only because I had a hard time asking for what I needed.
However, I guarantee that if someone point-blank asked, “When can I pick up your laundry?” I would have been so relieved.
I say, hold the hand that needs to be held and wipe down the counter covered in crumbs — or the cheek covered in tears.
— Been There
Dear Been There: Beautiful. Thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: I am a divorced mom in my early-30s, with primary custody of my 8-year-old child.
I have been dating “Ben” for the past two years. He is a great guy and he is very good with my son.
We have been talking about getting married. He has never been married before (no kids) and I am gun-shy, to say the least.
I own my home, my son is happy, and I am trying to be extremely careful about our future.
Last week Ben took me out for a drink. He said he had something important to tell me. He confessed that he is almost $20,000 in debt. He said he is trying hard to clear his debt, but he isn’t making much progress.
I have a stable and successful career. I am extremely financially responsible and have already started saving for my son’s college education.
Ben seems under-employed. He is a relaxed, fun person. He said the debt came from purchasing a car and more recently from a ski vacation he went on with some friends.
I feel extremely uncomfortable now. I am wondering if Ben expects me to clear his debt by using some of the equity on my house. He didn’t ask me anything specific and I’m not sure how to feel or how to react to this.
Your wisdom?
— The Responsible One
Dear Responsible: Are you prepared to be a parent to “Ben,” as well as to your son? Because his choice to lay this on you without a specific plan of action seems to be a bid for you to take this on.
People who have a lot of consumer debt who continue with their spending will sometimes try to get their problem to go away by simply shifting it to someone else.
I suggest that you take this conversation to the next level. Ask for complete transparency and documentation. I think it is somewhat likely that more debt will emerge, once he opens up his books.
Do not marry, comingle your finances or bail him out. He needs to demonstrate a concerted commitment to clear this debt on his own. He is an adult single man with no people to support. He could clear this in under two years, but it would require that he make some big changes.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a four-year-old son, and I am pregnant with our second child, due in two months.
Lately our son has been leaving his room and crawling into bed with us.
He has done this periodically for the past year, but now it is almost every night.
I have been taking him back to his room, but I am physically pretty uncomfortable getting in and out of bed.
I’m wondering what you think we should do.
— Losing Sleep
Dear Losing Sleep: Leaving their own bed and climbing in with a parent is a fairly common occurrence for children at this age. Sometimes, they don’t even seem quite awake as their homing device leads them to a parent’s bed.
Your son is also experiencing your pregnancy as a child will — with a combination of anxiety and excitement. You can expect him to possibly regress a bit before and after his sibling’s birth.
The most obvious answer is for your husband to take on this nightly task as a way to provide some closeness and comfort for your son while he puts him back to bed.
Otherwise you can do what many parents have done and make a “nest” in your room for him, with a sleeping bag and pillow.
Continue to put him to bed in his own bed, and if he wanders in at night, tell him that mom and dad need their good night’s sleep and if he wants to, he can either go back to his room, or curl up in his nest until morning.
Also use these last weeks of your pregnancy to snuggle in with some extra closeness with your son. Don’t go overboard with “You’re a big boy now,” but adjust to his needs, answer his questions about your pregnancy, understand that he might be anxious, and offer him lots of reassurance and love.
Dear Amy: “Distant Grandpa” was trying to build a relationship with his granddaughter, who lives across the country.
I resented that you described him as “a nice old man she doesn’t know very well.”
He is her grandfather!
— Upset Grandmother
Dear Upset: “Grandfather” is a role this man needs to grow into. So far, he’s not doing a very good job.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: My boyfriend’s dad is a CPA, with decades of experience. A few years ago he offered to do my taxes, due to the sudden complexity because of an inheritance — and I was using cheap software for very basic returns.
Since taking over my yearly filing he has consistently made mistakes that have cost me quite a bit of money. He left off a major account distribution one year; this should have been easily caught by him.
When I discussed the mistake with him, he never acknowledged it was due to his error, nor did he offer to pay the interest I owed.
This year, I decided to start filing my taxes again on my own. As a result, I found out he had given me incorrect advice for all of these years regarding paying my estimated taxes.
He told me it was a suggestion to pay the estimated taxes, but it’s actually required! Again, the software would have told him this and would have also given him the penalty amount I owed.
Not once did he mention the penalty I owed and it’s not on any of the returns he gave me, after filing.
I am upset and feel that he should reimburse me for these mistakes; he offered to do my taxes, he gave me incorrect advice and he never mentioned the penalties I was charged.
In fact, when I contacted him to tell him I didn’t realize I was being charged penalties all these years, I heard nothing back.
My boyfriend believes I should not ask to be reimbursed because although his dad offered to do my taxes, he never charged me for the services rendered.
I disagree. What is your opinion?
— Taxed
Dear Taxed: You get what you pay for.
In my opinion, your boyfriend’s father does not owe you for the mistakes he made.
These tax returns are filed under your name, with information you supply, and you should review the returns and do your due diligence regarding taxes and penalties before signing and submitting your return.
The IRS requirements on estimated taxes are clear and readily available through a simple internet search.
Penalties should show up on a line on your return, but when reviewing your return, you might have looked only at the “bottom line.”
If you had hired this CPA and signed a contract, he would have also signed your returns, and the IRS could penalize him for making avoidable mistakes — or you could take him to court — but you are still on the hook.
Dear Amy: My wife of 30-plus years won’t stop flirting with a man that works for her, although not in the same office.
He is also married and flirts back.
What bothers me is he has slept with at least one other woman in her office.
He told her that his wife refused to have sex with him.
I have seen texts from both of them, by accident.
Additionally, they do dinners and meetings outside of work when the spouses are “unavailable.”
I told her that this needs to stop but she claims that he is a friend and that she needs his help.
She refuses marriage counseling. I recently learned that she had an affair with another coworker.
She refuses to talk about that as it was too long ago … over 20 years.
I love my wife but really can’t take this disrespect any longer.
In reality, as I near retirement, I feel that I have wasted the best years of my life.
Any suggestions?
— Distraught
Dear Distraught: I hope you don’t genuinely believe that you have wasted the best years of your life, even though you have “spent” these years with someone who you don’t believe is a loving partner.
The best years of your life could be ahead.
You will feel better if you take some of your power back. See a lawyer, commit to counseling, and start making choices that are in your best interests.
Dear Amy: “Hapless Husband” wrote with a suspicion that a guy in his wife’s running group was interested in more than just running.
I used to be an avid runner and ran with a group of around eight people.
Three marriages broke up, as runners spent a lot of time together.
I’m a lucky one — I met my wife while running without breaking up any marriages.
— Going the Distance
Dear Distance: Your response might inspire more than a few readers to shop for running shoes. It’s the endorphins!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: I have a lot of hesitation about a visit by my brother and sister-in-law this summer.
They live out of state and last visited us two years ago. That visit did not go well.
My brother made a lot of negative comments about my family and our lifestyles, including how we live and where we live.
During our communication through phone calls over the years, I never really realized the negative downside of him.
I have visited him several times during the last 10 to 15 years at his home (to welcome babies) and those visits went fairly well.
During his visit with us, his attitude, comments and conversations reminded me of our father from years ago — and that is not a good thing.
He has offered to stay at a hotel, but do you have thoughts or suggestions on how I can have him stay at our home and have it maybe go better than the last visit?
We have a very small family. We want to have a good and positive relationship, but I’m not sure if that will work out.
Your advice?
— Worried Sibling
Dear Worried: You seem to want your brother and his wife to stay with you in your home, but his complaints during their last visit seemed fairly global and quite personal.
You ask for suggestions on how things could go better this time, and the answer would be for your brother to behave differently.
Is this likely? You shouldn’t count on it.
In some cases, it can be easier on relationships all the way around if longer-term guests stay elsewhere (at a hotel or short-term rental house) during a visit.
You could address this with your brother by responding: “If you would feel more comfortable at a hotel, there are several nearby; I’m happy to send links for you to make a choice. Whatever works best for you is fine with us. We’ve always had a good time staying with you and want to reciprocate, but I don’t think you were comfortable in our home the last time you visited.”
I think you should approach this visit with a hopeful attitude, but you should also consider and strategize about how you will respond if your brother insults you personally when he is with you.
Dear Amy: I care for my 15-month-old granddaughter on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 8 a.m. until noon. I am not compensated and am very happy to do this. Both parents work — mainly from home.
What’s become an issue is my son and daughter-in-law’s insistence that I not allow my granddaughter to nap during my morning shifts. Instead, they prefer that nap time be reserved for the afternoons so they can focus on their jobs.
The little girl has a tendency to fall asleep for a brief 20 to 30 minutes mid-morning. This takes the edge off her afternoon nap which can be as long as two to three hours if she doesn’t nap in the morning.
I see sleep deprivation as a form of child abuse and my son and daughter-in-law’s demands to be somewhat selfish. If I call them out on this, I fear there will be retribution in the form of reduced contact with my granddaughter over something that is a minor inconvenience for the young parents.
What do you think I should do?
— Concerned Grandparent
Dear Concerned: You raised your son. You are now helping to raise his child.
Babies this age normally take two naps a day. Having a rested baby is better than an exhausted and fussy baby, and rested babies tend to sleep better than exhausted babies.
These parents need to trust your judgment. I suggest that you carry on, letting the child sleep when she needs to, and if the parents confront you about it, you should tell them that you believe it is better for their baby if she is allowed to follow her body’s need to nap briefly in the morning.
If they have a problem letting you follow this commonsense and compassionate practice and want to “fire” you over it, let them find and compensate another caregiver, who might be less personally invested in the baby’s well-being.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to your recent quip “…i f you don’t think that our higher power has a sense of humor, I suggest you take a good, long look around.”
It has always been my opinion that any God who could create a camel had to have a sense of humor.
— Rabbi Yaakov Lavon
Dear Rabbi Lavon: Amen!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: “Liz” and I worked together for a short time nearly 20 years ago. She was excellent at her work and was an officer in a national organization in our field.
We have not seen one another in years. We’ve spoken on the phone one time in the last six years.
A decade ago, I spoke with an old colleague and recommended her to work at a firm I worked at 30 years ago. Liz got the job and was fired within weeks; I am not aware of the reason.
Liz has changed jobs A LOT. She apparently has difficulty holding a job, and often will send a text informing me that she has listed me as a reference for a new application.
Responding to her subsequent requests, I have answered questionnaires, spoken with Human Resources on the phone, and reached out to colleagues at various hiring firms.
Several weeks ago, she contacted me yet again, asking for a reference for a job at a preeminent firm where I have had close contacts for decades.
The position was great, interesting, and with good benefits.
She got the job, and has now lost that job.
I found this out when she texted me and told me she had given my phone number to someone at a new opportunity, who would be calling me.
My concern is not only that I am referring someone whom I haven’t worked with for many years, but I have no knowledge of her recent work, or the reasons she changes jobs so often.
In referring her to old colleagues and friends, am I messing up my own reputation when these situations don’t work out for whatever reason?
With so many failures after my recommendations are given, maybe I’m not the right person to be providing references.
What do you think I should do?
— Stunningly Good References — NOT!
Dear Good References: If all “Liz” has to do to get a great reference from you is to supply your phone number and then shoot you a text, then you sound like the perfect mark.
You have been extremely generous in assisting this person, but at this point you are devaluing your own personal and professional currency when your own experience with her is ancient and yet you continue to recommend her for jobs when you know (by now) that — based on her extensive track record — she will not succeed.
When you receive the next text from Liz, you could reply: “I’ve provided many references for you over the years, but my work experience with you was so brief and so long ago that I am no longer able to provide any kind of helpful reference. Please don’t supply my phone number to any more potential employers.”
Dear Amy: I’m so upset. I’ve been married to my wife for seven years. I have loved our life and thought we were both fulfilled and happy.
Lately she’s been a little distant, but I assumed that work or family issues with her big extended family were stressing her out.
Last night she dropped a bombshell. She asked me how I would feel about “opening up our marriage.”
I’ve heard about open marriages, of course, but what does this even mean?
I was too shocked to say much, and she asked me to “think about it.”
After a sleepless night I wonder how I’m supposed to think about anything else.
How am I supposed to respond?
— Devastated Husband
Dear Husband: The trend toward describing some marriages as “open” is supposed to imply that both parties are consenting to having other sexual relationships outside the marriage.
When one party asks to open the marriage, they are seeking consent to stray.
Your wife is not granting you freedom or latitude; she wants to take it, and she is giving you a heads up that she has met someone.
She has asked you how you feel, and so you should tell her exactly how you are feeling: confused, upset, concerned and possibly angry. Lay it all out there.
I hope you two can have a completely honest talk about your mutual concerns and desires.
Dear Amy: “Pondering Papa in the Pacific Northwest” expressed his discomfort over his 20-year-old daughter sleeping with her boyfriend during a visit to the family home.
Your advice was ridiculous. It’s called “my house, my rules,” and it’s that simple.
— Not Pondering
Dear Not Pondering: “Pondering Papa” and his wife disagreed on this matter. It’s her house, too.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: I live four hours from my elderly widowed mother. I will be in her area for a week very soon doing some work, and I plan to take her for brunch on the Sunday that I am there. She does not drive. Making the arrangements, she managed to slide in, “I thought you might like to go to church with me.” Meaning: “I want you to take me to church before brunch.”
Even though I don’t disagree with the church’s teachings, I just don’t want to go.
My mother essentially would not take no for an answer.
I felt so pressured that finally I lied and said I had a meeting early that afternoon.
I feel manipulated. I would likely have accepted her request with a kinder attitude if she didn’t have a history of doing this.
The incident that stays in my mind is when my husband and I invited her out to dinner for her birthday. We were planning to make the four-hour trip to take her out.
The day before, I found out from someone else that she had, behind my back, invited my estranged sister and her husband. We ended up staying home.
Now I can’t seem to get past the idea of her tricking and manipulating me.
I’m probably angrier than I need to be. I also have a sense of guilt about the whole thing.
Do you have any advice? Should I cave in and take her to church? If I’m being hard-hearted, please tell me.
— Tricked In Illinois
Dear Tricked: Your mother pushes your buttons because of her history of being manipulative, at least when it comes to you.
However, sometimes an elderly woman just wants to go to church, and she will resort to being sneaky in order to get there. (Don’t you remember what it was like to be a teen without a car, and that feeling of always having to shag rides?)
Unfortunately, you have a knee-jerk reaction to your mother; this likely goes way back in your shared history.
But — I repeat — sometimes an elderly woman just wants to go to church.
Yes, you are angrier than you need to be, but you are on high-alert and have over-compensated.
(By the way, your lie to get out of this is also sneaky.)
Yes, you should cave and take her to church. You can get her seated and sit in your car or the fellowship hall until the service has ended. You should also investigate any programs the church might have to give rides to elders. Having this social lifeline might cause your mother to be less sneaky on Sundays.
After church, you should do your best to speak with your mother very honestly about what happened on her birthday. Use “I statements” and be polite, frank and authentic regarding how this made you feel.
Dear Amy: I just learned that my wife’s spending is out of control.
Several years ago, she got into financial trouble with a credit card debt of around $6,000. She told me about it and I bailed her out.
Last week, she said it had happened again. I took a look at her credit card statement and saw she was owing on charges left over from Christmas and some vacation travel we had taken. I agreed to help her out again.
Then she admitted to me that she had another card and that she owes almost $10,000 on it, due to gambling.
This is very shocking. I didn’t even know she gambled. She feels terrible. I could probably cover this, too, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.
— Concerned
Dear Concerned: Your wife should get professional help for a gambling addiction right away. You and she should meet with a therapist who specializes in this. As with other addictions, you should approach this as a very serious illness which requires treatment.
Additionally, you should also get legal and financial advice about how to protect your property and assets from her debts.
The ease and ubiquity of online gambling makes it very easy for people to hide their addiction, until the financial consequences force them to face it.
Dear Amy: Your writing often makes me laugh, but your response to “Future Dad” was the tops. I smiled when I read your first line: “Hell to the no.”
I haven’t heard that phrase in a long time, and it’s time for a comeback.
— Laurie
Dear Laurie: As long as you’re laughing with me, and not at me…
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a very sweet 8-year-old son. His dad and I adore him. We’re having a great time going through life together.
Recently he has been emotional and sensitive. He has said several times that he doesn’t want to grow up. When I ask him why, he says he’ll miss all of the things we do together, like reading together before bed and cuddling with us, and doing “little boy things.”
I don’t know if I should be concerned about this, or even how to respond.
Any suggestions?
— Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned: This is a fairly common phase for children at this age, especially for sensitive and expressive kids like your son.
Some children going through this phase will ask their parents, “When I grow up, can I marry you?” This reflects their strong and loving attachment.
I remember going through this phase as a child, telling my mother that I was never going to move away from home. (As an adult, I believe this prospect would not have been on my mother’s wish list.)
I recall her response as being kind and reassuring.
Heading into adolescence can be a pretty scary prospect. Hormonally, socially, and intellectually your son is sailing into choppy waters, and even if he doesn’t know what’s ahead, on a deep level — he understands that change is on the horizon.
Ask him, “What are the things you love the very most about being a kid?”
Listen to his answers and reminisce with him.
You might also ask him if there are things about growing older that make him nervous.
And then tell him that none of these good experiences will end or change unless he wants them to, and that your family will share lots of other wonderful experiences together as he grows older.
If your reassurance doesn’t comfort him, or if his anxiety seems to expand, you should consider having him evaluated by a psychologist.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have two children. From the time they were very young, we made our limits for college very clear.
They have to get A’s or B’s — nothing below a B.
They can’t get into trouble with the law or the school.
They have to find something meaningful to do aside from their schooling — such as volunteering or a part-time job. Things that will build up their resumes for the next stage of their lives.
We have said that if they don’t satisfy these parameters, we will not pay for their schooling. We will judge this on a semester-to-semester basis.
We realize that these are high standards, but as a family, we have high standards. That’s the way it is.
Our daughter came home from her first semester at college with B’s and C’s. She has not gotten into trouble, but she has not found any outside worthwhile activities.
My wife and I gave her one more semester to get it together, but she recently told us that she is worried that she isn’t able to bring her grades up enough.
We told her that a deal is a deal, and if she likes college, she’ll have to satisfy these requirements.
She thinks we’re wrong, of course, and we have agreed to seek an outside opinion about this.
What do you think?
— Puzzled Parents
Dear Puzzled: I think you’re wrong. Also dumb.
If you want your kids to skim their education off of the lowest hanging offerings at school, then your rigidity about their grades will incentivize them to choose the easiest course of study. And so at the beginning of the semester when they are signing up for classes, they might hedge their bets and skip over biochemistry in favor of “Intro into soccer appreciation.”
(The internet is crowded with suggestions for “GPA boosters.”)
Scoring high grades doesn’t always equate with longer term success.
Sometimes, we learn the most from experiences which are harder to master. Parenting is a great example of this principle.
Dear Amy: The letter about DNA from “Unsure” revealed that her dad was not her biological father.
I recently found out that my half-brother is not biologically related to me at all.
My dad and stepmom used a sperm donor 36 years ago to bring one of my absolute favorite people into the world.
It was a shock when I found out that we weren’t related by blood, but he is 100 percent the brother I love!
— JD
Dear JD: This is my favorite kind of DNA disclosure story. Thank you!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
I’ve reached a breaking point in my life.
I’m in my 50s and have always carried a torch for my first love. We fell in love in our 20s, and it ended when he left me. I think our relationship ended because he wanted kids and I didn’t. I had just started my career, and he got a job in a neighboring state, so we went our separate ways.
We continued dating long-distance for a while, but he ended up meeting someone else. On paper, they seemed more compatible than we were, but in my opinion, he didn’t marry for love and regrets his decision. After him, I had another long-term relationship, but it never reached the same depth as my first love.
30 years later, I was still thinking of him, so I decided to reach out to him online. To my delight, he confessed that he never forgot me and still loves me! However, he’s married, so we haven’t met up in person.
The main obstacle to us being together isn’t his marriage, because he says he’s unhappy and would divorce his wife. He can’t move forward because his family has recently gone through a truly terrible tragedy, leaving him spiritually broken and consumed with anxiety and depression. It’s become impossible for him to make any changes in his life, even if he wants to.
We’ve been talking online for a year, and I can’t seem to let him go. I cannot seem to feel the love I feel for him with anyone else. No one else even interests me or comes close to making me feel what he does.
I feel so lost and hopeless, and everyone around me thinks I should just be able to move on, but I can’t. I’m certain—to the very core of my soul—that he’s is the person I was meant for. We’ve started referring to each other as “the love of my life” and naming each other as soulmates. In 30 years, we have never forgotten each other, but it also feels too complicated.
Why can’t I get over my first love?
Sincerely, Timeless Timing
Photo: Alexander Bemis. Design: Sasha Purdy / StyleCaster
Dear Timeless Timing,
Oh boy. You have a heart that blocks out all reason, which makes life feel technicolor when you’re in love. How do I know this? Because I can relate. You and I are both Cancer risings, which makes us deep feelers, hopeless romantics, and incredibly private individuals. Cancer risings are sensitive to even the most imperceptible energies, which means we often feel what others cannot feel and see what others do not see. The truth is that being so porous to energetic vibrations can be an incredibly isolating experience. Anyone who has an ascendant in a water sign—Cancer, Scorpio, or Pisces—will always feel somewhat remote from the rest of the world. (Learn more about your rising sign or ascendant.)
When you explain your situation to others, they probably don’t understand it. You were together 30 years ago—why is it so difficult to move on? Cancer risings can’t just “move on” from something—or someone—they loved with every fiber of their being. Like me, your fifth house of love and pleasure is ruled by Scorpio, the zodiac sign of passion, intensity, and emotional investment. This part of you that yearns for deep, transformational love is emphasized by the fact that your natal Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are in Scorpio, living in your romantic fifth house. You crave magical, exalting, and out-of-this-world love or nothing at all, which makes it hard to let go when you’ve found someone who actually makes you feel something. The timing may be off, but it doesn’t change how you feel about your first love.
It’s not easy when your natal Venus is in Scorpio. In fact, Venus—planet of love—hates being in Scorpio. In Scorpio, Venus has to do a lot of work to feel loved, which means Venus in Scorpio people either have their hearts completely shut off or wide open, letting everything inside. There is no in-between. For you, love has been marked by effort, making it feel like it’s never been easy to satisfy the yearnings of your heart. Your birth chart also shows your Venus opposing your natal Saturn in Taurus. Because Saturn is the planet of karma and restriction, it has brought many delays to your love life. It’s no surprise that it’s taken 30 years for you to reconnect with your soulmate, and yet, the timing still feels off. (Learn more about your Venus sign.)
When I look at your relationship synastry with your first love, I see that he looks up to you and feels emotionally validated by you. However, I can also see that he loves you in secret. Your first love has his Venus in Gemini, and it’s situated in your 12th house of unseen energies and self-undoing. This means you share an incredibly deep connection in which you know each other completely, but the rest of the world has no idea. Love affairs live and breathe in the 12th house, but it can be arduous for that love to remain pure in public when on display for other people’s judgment. (Learn more about the 12 houses of astrology.)
Sometimes, people from our past get under our skin, and they’ll always remain with us. I can also see that you and your first love have a deep, unbreakable bond that will always be part of you. However, it will probably always hurt on some level. In your birth chart, Chiron—ruler of your deepest wounds and healing abilities—forms an exact conjunction with your first love’s natal Saturn. Because Saturn is the planet of boundaries and longevity, this binds you together forever. You feel a heavy responsibility to each other, as though you are supposed to be together. However, because Chiron is the planet of healing, it may always feel like you have a painful wound together that must be healed. Your first love is going through a major life tragedy, and your comfort and support is helping him through it. You will likely always be brought together by tragedies, showing up in each others’ lives during times of crisis.
You’ve been reconnecting with your first love for the past year, and during that time, these lifelong relationship dilemmas have been reactivated. Jupiter—planet of abundance and expansion—has been moving through Taurus, opposing your Venus in Scorpio and increasing your desire for love. And right now, it’s approaching an exact conjunction to your natal Saturn in Taurus. Not only do these restrictions in your love life feel more prominent, but so do your desires. Your heart is yearning for your first love in a way that makes these obstacles seem completely pointless. It’s making you want to overcome all odds and find a way to be together, even if the facts point otherwise.
The emotions you feel toward your first love are only getting stronger, and by late April, they are bound to reach a breaking point. Right now, Jupiter is careening toward a once-in-a-lifetime conjunction with Uranus—planet of revolution and sudden changes—which will be exact on April 20, 2024. This has the power to topple some of the structures that have held you back in your relationships, and while I don’t know how things will turn out for you and your first love, your perspective of the situation could change in some way within the next few months. And one thing is for sure—it’s teaching you a powerful lesson. (Read your 2024 horoscope for each zodiac sign.)
Even though it feels like everything is standing in the way of what you want, astrology shows us that we are also engineers of our own problems. You can’t control the circumstances surrounding your first love, and the impossibility of your situation is increasing the passion and intensity. In a way, what’s holding you back from finding love is also what’s inspiring you to find it. Love is just as much an action as it is a feeling.
As you continue to process this relationship, you may ask yourself a lot of questions. Should you be patient for the promise of love? Or do you need to be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to wait for and settle for? You have been given a link back to your first love, but you haven’t been given full access to him. It’s as if the door handle has been turned, but the door has not opened completely. And you’re still waiting to see if you’ll ever be able to fully enter his world. Is the passion leaking through that crack in the doorway enough to satiate you? Or are you simply choosing a form of love that feels familiar to you—a love that always feels held back?
You were born on a full moon, Timeless. People who were born on a full moon have lives marked by intensity and inner conflict, as the moon (ruler of your inner self) and the sun (ruler of your outer self) are in exact opposition with each other. To further complicate things, the ruler of your birth chart is your Gemini moon in the 12th house of subconscious energies and self-undoing. You’re someone who feels comfortable with secrets—someone who is good at keeping their cards as close to the chest as possible and putting on a front in order to protect your sensitive nature. Chances are, what makes you happy will not always align with what other people think “happiness” should look like. You’re not someone who easily fits into conventional ideas of love, existence, and partnership. You are someone who’s used to sacrificing themselves for the sake of someone else—someone who is willing to give up being “seen” for the sake of being “loved.” (Learn more about your moon sign).
Even though the people in your life are telling you to move on—that this isn’t good for you—only you understand what’s good for you. But the way your desires unfold may also keep you in a perpetual cycle of having to hide your true feelings. Maybe that works for you, and you need to make peace with the fact that not everyone will understand it. But if there’s a part of you that feels you need more than a love affair shrouded in secrets, the intensity of your relationship with your first love is simply bringing you to that realization.
Over the next year, you’ll peel back more layers of this conundrum, and as you continue your soul-searching, more answers will follow. Jupiter enters Gemini on May 25, 2024, and on October 9, 2024, Jupiter will station retrograde at 21 degrees (the same degree as your moon in Gemini). This will reveal major truths about who you are, what you want, and what you need to heal until early 2025. Only time will tell how you decide to proceed with this love story, but instead of focusing all your heart on your first love, his tragedy, and helping him heal, remember that your needs matter too. Even though it has always felt like your options are limited—especially when it comes to love—you need to know that you have agency. As Jupiter blesses you with continued personal growth, it will become harder and harder for you to suppress your true needs for the sake of your wants. The more you evolve, the harder it becomes to fall into familiar patterns.
This story’s ending is not necessarily about whether you and your first love will be together, but whether the paradoxical parts of yourself can find a way to align. All the obstacles standing in the way of you and your first love are also a reflection of your inner contradictions—the parts of you that can’t seem to agree with each other. In a way, this relationship is a manifestation of your own inner conflict and the way you’ve always kept parts of yourself a secret. As you continue to find common ground between your inner self and your outer self, you’ll be able to see your situation with your first love more clearly. And eventually, you’ll make a decision that’s right for you.
Dreamily, Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
Why can’t I stop stalking my crush online?
I recently developed a crush on a guy who’s a mutual friend of all my best friends, and before we could even introduce ourselves, I was already stalking him on social media. We finally introduced ourselves to each other a couple days ago, but I didn’t really indicate that I was available or interested in him. He did follow me back on Instagram, and I asked him for his number, but I haven’t mustered the courage to ask him out or tell him that I think he’s cute.
I’ve told my friends that I’m crushing on him, but none of them think this could work out in the long run. They say we’re two very different people with different communication styles.
I’m 24 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve never even been on a proper date. And the last time I did this with a guy, it ended up being a traumatizing situation in which I was friendzoned. I like social media stalking my crush because it’s a security blanket and I don’t have to actually know whether he’ll reject me.
I want to get myself out there and actively go on dates. How do I break this pattern? Is there any hope for a connection with this guy in real life?
Sincerely, All Hung Up
Photo: Alexander Bemis. Design: Sasha Purdy / StyleCaster
Dear All Hung Up,
How exciting! Let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that you have a crush. In a sea of boring and uninteresting people, you’ve found someone who quickens your heart and blossoms in your imagination. Although mildly terrifying, a crush is also a satisfying shock to the system, disrupting the monotony of day-to-day life and filling it with possibility. They could be your soulmate. They could also do something that gives you the “ick” the next time you see them. The possibilities are truly endless, and instead of assuming the worst ones will happen, let’s take this crush for what it is—proof that your heart is alive and open.
However, it’s also the endless list of possibilities that makes it easier to stalk your crush on social media than actually ask them out. Wearing your heart on your sleeve means risking rejection, disappointment, and in some cases, even humiliation. Scrolling through your crush’s feed feels like spending time with them. It’s where you can learn more about them without any of that uncomfortable risk involved. And if someone says they’ve never spent hours researching their crush to the point of figuring out their grandmother’s maiden name and accidentally liking their little sister’s photo, they’re lying.
I like you, Hung Up. I like your big heart and the way you yearn for love. We’re often taught to be ashamed of having a crush, but I think it makes you way more interesting than everyone else, and all this pent-up passion is beautifully reflected in your birth chart. Your moon is in water sign Scorpio, making you sensitive, empathetic, intense, and slightly obsessive. When you see something you want, nothing can take your mind off of it, which is both riveting and frustrating. This is emphasized by the fact that your moon forms a tight conjunction with Mars in Scorpio. In astrology, the moon rules over your emotional instincts, while Mars rules over your primal instincts. The moon is how you feel, but Mars is how you act. (See how your Mars sign takes action.)
Your emotions arrive in powerful tidal waves that could knock you over. Your heart is soaking wet when it wants something. However, feeling passionate about something—or someone—isn’t enough to make you take action. In fact, it’s when your emotions run high that you probably become even more nervous about making the next move. Your moon-Mars conjunction happens to oppose Saturn—planet of restriction and limitation—which causes you to feel as though you need to tamp down your feelings when they arise. However, seeing something as forbidden automatically makes it all the more tantalizing. Your Mars is also retrograde, and when a natal planet is retrograde, it can inhibit its expression and turn its energy inward. This causes your action-oriented Mars to hesitate and hold back due to fear of coming on too strong. When crushing on someone, you might feel like a bottle of champagne that has been shaken so vigorously that uncorking it would lead to a fizzy explosion. Because you’d rather avoid a mess, the bottle remains unopened, collecting dust on a shelf. But let me ask you this, Hung Up—what’s the point of champagne if you never get to drink it? (Learn more about each planetary retrograde.)
This is the issue with Instagram stalking your crush. You’re someone who has a tendency to idealize, as your sun, moon, Mars, and Saturn all form a T-square with Neptune, planet of fantasies and illusions. This reveals that you tend to deal with problems by escaping from reality, and because of your complicated history with love and relationships, you might see having a crush as a problem that must be avoided. And as you scroll through their feed, skim their followers, and analyze their interactions, your feelings for them build up in your imagination, making things messy when reality fails to measure up. Let’s remember your crush is also a human being; someone who can have bad breath in the morning, like the rest of us. Romanticizing them in your mind makes them seem untouchable, subconsciously putting you in a position of being unworthy of them. Shift that energy back to you, because your crush is lucky to have caught your attention. Don’t make your fear of rejection so big that it causes you to forget who you are. Rejecting you is less a statement of you and more a statement of them.
Through your internet sleuthing, you were able to ascertain your crush’s birth date. I always lean against looking into your crush’s birth chart too soon, because it can set unrealistic expectations that interfere with the organic process of getting to know someone. However, after looking at the synastry you share with your crush, I can also see that you might be viewing them with rose-colored glasses. Your moon-Mars conjunction forms an exact square with his Neptune, evoking nebulous energy not based in reality. You’re likely falling for a version of their personality that doesn’t exist, at least not in the way you think they do. I can also see why your friends would say your communication styles are too different, as your Venus in Gemini forms an exact square with his Venus in Virgo, which reveals conflicting methods of giving and receiving love. (See what love language your Venus sign speaks.)
Even though this crush may be clouding your ability to see the future, you’ve got a lot to look forward to, Hung Up. And while I can’t tell you exactly what will happen with your crush, I can confidently say I think you’ll have a significant romantic relationship when you turn 25 this year, taking your love life off the screen and into reality. In astro-lingo, your birthday is known as your solar return, as it is the moment the sun returns to the exact position it was in at the moment of your birth. And to gain a greater glimpse of how the next 365 days will go, you can always calculate your solar return chart.
In your solar return chart for 2024, you have a Capricorn moon in the fifth house of pleasure and romance. This indicates that a love story could be central to your emotional experiences this year. You also have Venus—planet of friends and flirtations—in Aries at exactly 29 degrees, which indicates that major relationship developments could unfold. (In astrology, the 29th degree is known as the “degree of fate”, because it is the last degree before a planet enters the next zodiac sign. This degree is powerful, intense, and chaotic, as it triggers the final push before karma is released.) Your natal Venus in Gemini is also exactly conjunct the Vertex of your solar return chart, which represents destined encounters with people who find us through no will of our own. This means you don’t have to do anything to make this romance happen. This romance will happen to you, not the other way around. (Read your 2024 horoscope for each zodiac sign.)
The last part of what I just said is important, as you tend to be the one who chases, not the one who allows themselves to be chased. You are a curious and intelligent Virgo rising, which means your ruling planet is Mercury in Aries in the eighth house of merging energies. Mercury is always searching for information, Aries can be passionate and pushy, and the eighth house is where intimacy happens, often in secret. This aligns with your penchant for Insta-stalking your crush, where closeness can be found instantly and without the other person knowing. It becomes a compulsion, this need to see their latest activity and look for proof you’re meant to be together. And although you may not be chasing your crush in real life, you have been chasing them online; chasing the rush of uncovering their mystery. But soon, life will show you that you don’t always have to be the chaser. In fact, it is when you allow yourself to be chased that you find someone who is truly right for you, because they see your value with no effort on your part.
Rest assured that 25 will be the year you actually let the champagne flow. You’ll shake it up, slice the top off, pour everyone a flute, and make a bubbly mess. Yes, there will be lots of clean-up. Yes, there may even be broken glass. But finally, you’ll be tasting it—the act of loving someone and being loved back. That champagne has always been yours to relax with and enjoy.
Dreamily, Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.
I am often asked by friends, extended family, coworkers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or, “How are your parents?,” especially after I return from a visit home.
After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.”
These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response.
My question to you: Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer?
The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.
Follow up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond?
I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.
— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter
Dear Daughter: I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are.
(Occasionally, people delivering tough personal news respond to an “I’m sorry” response by saying, “Why? It’s not your fault,” and this is a dismissive response to a person who is trying to be kind.)
Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer”? No.
“Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me and nobody is stepping up to help” is how Debbie would spin her tale.
You suppose that your local friends and extended family members “don’t want” an honest answer to their polite queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if the unvarnished truth makes them feel inadequate in the moment.
You can encourage further communication (if that’s what you want), not by shrugging, but by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”
Dear Amy: When people die, are items their children (or grandchildren) gave them considered property of the parents, or are the items given back to whomever gave them to the deceased?
Example: A grandchild gave grandparents a valuable item years ago.
The grandchild slept in the house for a couple of days after the funeral.
When they left, they took the item off the wall and took it with them.
Also, one of the grandparent’s children visited the house and took some items that their sibling had given to the grandparent.
What is considered the proper etiquette in this situation?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: This isn’t an etiquette question. It’s more about theft, really.
The grandparents’ belongings are property of the estate, and should be left in the home until the estate is settled. The executor or administrator of the estate is in charge of administering the will and the process of dispersing possessions.
The best way to divide possessions is with the heirs’ full assent and cooperation.
If a grandparent left her property to her children, ideally these children would gather in the house and peacefully divide possessions according to an organized system (my family used a lottery system).
Yes, gifts given to the deceased are often returned to the person who gave them, but it is vital that the heirs agree to this.
Removing things from the home without the knowledge or agreement of the heirs leads to problems. And occasionally – lawsuits.
Dear Amy: “Alarmed Wife” was concerned because her older husband was private messaging with a much younger woman on Facebook.
Thank you for pointing out that this is likely a “catfish.” You didn’t suggest the ongoing ramifications of this, however. Catfish scams are popular, and they often lead to financial abuse.
Alarmed should carefully check their bank accounts. This scam often leads to requests for money or gift cards. How do I know? I got scammed!
— Been There
Dear Been There: Great advice. Thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
