High-intensity interval training (HIIT) is a popular form of exercise that involves alternating between short, intense bursts of movement and brief periods of rest. As an ADHD coach, I’ve always considered the HIIT method to be well-suited for people with ADHD outside of fitness. The short intervals of work and rest are manageable and work to sustain focus and mental engagement.
With my own clients, I’ve adapted HIIT into a protocol for helping them manage dreaded tasks and get things done. I call it high-intensity interval tasking. Here’s how it works:
High-Intensity Interval Tasking: Getting Chores Done with ADHD
1. Think of a task that you consistently struggle to start or finish. I’m choosing folding and putting away laundry into drawers and closets. (Ugh!)
2. Decide how much time you want to allot to the task (this includes rest time, which we’ll get to). Note that you’re not basing it off how much time you have, but how much time you can realistically devote to the task without becoming frustrated or burning out. With that in mind, could you commit to a total of 5 minutes? 10? 15?
3. Within this timeframe, determine the ideal duration of your “work” (high intensity) intervals and your “rest” cycles. For example, two minutes of work and one minute of rest.
4. Use a timer, your Alexa device, or a free third-party interval timer app to set your work and rest points for the timeframe you chose.
5. Start the timer (I’m choosing 15 minutes) and begin folding clothes with as much intensity as possible for the work period you allotted. In this case, I’ve set aside two minutes. Note that intensity doesn’t necessarily equate to speed but to effort. Another way to think of intensity is “intention.” What does it mean to give it your all for two minutes? Do you have to fold laundry in another room to stay focused? Do you need music to help you stay motivated while you fold and put clothes away?
6. Stop when the timer goes off and rest for the time you noted. (One minute in this case.) Do what you will as you rest — scroll through your phone, pace around — just make sure to respect the rest time you’ve given yourself.
7. Start folding and storing away clothes again with intensity/intention when the timer goes off again.
8. Continue the process until the timeframe completes.
If you find yourself getting distracted or not working as intensely as you know you can, try shortening your work intervals. A few seconds of focused, intentional work may be better and more motivating than minutes of distracted work. Over time, your ability to work intensely on a task should improve.
Doing Chores & Getting Things Done with ADHD: Next Steps
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My heart races as I listen to my kids in the other room. I can tell their play has taken a turn and is now getting sticky. I listen a little longer to see if they can work it out. Nope — things have escalated. I move quickly, hoping to break it up, but it’s too late. My youngest is crying and yelling, while my other kid still looks like they want to hurt someone.
I hate seeing my kids fight. I do all I can to prevent it, but it is inevitable. Siblings fight, and that’s normal. (Even as a therapist, it’s hard for me to accept this!) What I can control is my response to the fighting. I can step in, set loving limits, and try to teach my children that, while some conflict is normal, there are productive ways to manage emotions and handle disagreements so that things can go a little better next time. Here’s how I, as a therapist and a mom of three, including a child with ADHD, manage sibling conflicts in my home.
1. Do not take sides. This one is hard — if one kid is crying, then we often assume that the other one must be at fault, right? No, not necessarily. (The crying kid, for example, might have been bugging their sibling all week until they hit a breaking point.) The point is, fault is somewhat beside the point. It’s best to approach sibling fights with the understanding that your kids are dysregulated, struggling, and in need of your help.
2. Wait to talk. If children have reached the point of fighting, then they’ve reached the point where they’ve “flipped their lid” as psychiatrist Daniel Siegel, M.D., puts it. This is when the thinking part of their brain goes offline. It takes about 20 minutes to regulate and get out of this fight-or-flight mode.
If you try to talk to your children before their brain comes back online, they will likely not be able to take in what you’re saying, no matter how logical or comforting your words may be. If anything, you’ll just add to their stress response.
So, what should you do? Separate your children if possible and wait. Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., refers to this as a “time in” in her book co-authored with Siegel, No-Drama Discipline. Give your children time and space to allow their prefrontal cortexes to come back online. If needed, remind them about self-regulation tools, like deep breathing, counting to 10, or listening to calming music.
3. Approach each sibling separately. In private, talk to each child about what happened, and don’t assume that you know what started the issue. Even if you do know, allowing your child to explain will help them feel better. (Think about how you, as an adult, feel when you get to explain yourself instead of being shut down.) When a child feels heard and understood, it helps regulate their nervous system. They can calm down quicker and think more clearly.
4. Validate and acknowledge. Talking to your children separately will also give you space to validate feelings without making anyone feel bad or like you’re taking sides. If your child says, “She always takes my stuff without asking! I am never going to let her touch anything of mine again!” You can say, “I’d be angry, too, if someone touched my things without asking.” Or, “Yes, it is hard to have a sibling who often takes your stuff without asking.” Never make your child feel like what they’re upset about is trivial. It’s never a small matter to them, and brushing off their feelings will only intensify them.
Contrary to what most parents fear, validating your child won’t cause them to double down on their anger or commit to, say, NEVER let their sibling touch their stuff again. Validating will simply allow your child to vent and regulate.
5. What could you do next time? Finally, the step where many of us would like to begin: the conversation about how the situation can be handled differently next time. It’s tempting to jump straight to lessons learned, but this is a conversation that can only be had once brains are back online and everyone is regulated.
The conversation can start like this: “Hey, I know it is really hard when your sibling takes your stuff without asking. Is there another way this could be handled?” Giving your child a chance to problem-solve will strengthen this essential skill and help them feel more in control.
Offer ideas if they need help, like, “If you see your sister playing with your stuff, you could say, ‘Hey, you did not ask me to play with that. I’d like for you to ask me before you grab my stuff, please.’” On your end, notice if any patterns come up around fighting. Are fights happening when routines are disrupted? When one child feels ignored? When one child has too much pent-up energy? When your children are hungry or thirsty? When rules and expectations are not fully understood?
Big emotions are normal, especially if you’re raising neurodivergent children. But you can teach your children to regulate and resolve conflicts by meeting them with curiosity, compassion, and understanding.
Siblings Fighting: Next Steps
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Many of my clients describe rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — the intense fear and pain associated with rejection and criticism, real or perceived — as overwhelming, confusing, and isolating. I agree with them, as I’ve experienced it myself.
The more I’ve reflected, the more I’ve come to understand that RSD — with its all-consuming episodes accompanied by shame and a desire to withdraw or spiral — is about far more than rejection or emotional sensitivity.
RSD gets to our deep-seated fears about letting the world see the real us. RSD is really about the panic of being unmasked. I see this as “unmasking dysphoria,” a trauma-linked reaction to being exposed in ways that feel unsafe.
The Cost of Masking
Neurodivergent people learn to mask, or hide the traits that make them different, to navigate environments not built for their brains. It’s not a choice but a survival strategy to avoid punishment, misunderstanding, or exclusion.
Masking takes on many forms. It can look like overcommitting (to ward off suspicions of incompetence), manufacturing urgency (because external pressure is needed to finish tasks), scripting and rehearsing conversations, and obsessively rereading messages. It can look like keeping a low profile to avoid saying something impulsive or “stupid” and being exposed.
Masking requires constant self-monitoring and adjusting, leading many people to feel on edge all the time. Some of my clients describe it as a low-level fear of getting in trouble for doing something wrong, a feeling enforced by past instances of being reprimanded for their symptoms.
Masking, especially in the long-term, harms mental health. It forces people to internalize that their natural way of being is wrong and unacceptable. This chronic invalidation and exclusion of the self is a form of trauma that rewires the nervous system. Even if it doesn’t meet the traditional definition of trauma, it changes how we emotionally respond to the world. It’s why moments when the mask slips feel not just uncomfortable, but unsafe.
This Isn’t Just Sensitivity
Many people, with or without ADHD, are sensitive to criticism. But RSD runs deeper. It’s about fear of exposure.
The people who experience RSD most intensely are those who have mastered masking. They have gone to great lengths to hide their neurodivergence, allowing the world only to see (a version of) competence, not the immense mental load beneath.
But when traits they’ve worked so hard to suppress suddenly show, things collapse. The world has caught a glimpse of their true, flawed self. They spiral, withdraw, and melt down, not because anyone rejected them, but because they no longer feel safely hidden.
This is how I felt when I froze during a mock interview recently, despite prepping for days. I felt ashamed beyond embarrassment.
My brother said, “This is just an RSD episode — you’re not thinking clearly. It’s going to pass.” He was right. But the shame wasn’t about the interview. It was about the mask slipping and a part of me being exposed that I’ve spent my life trying to manage or hide.
It’s not always about fear of public exposure. A client lost his passport, canceling a vacation no one else knew about. There was no rejection involved. But he still spiraled into shame because his hidden disorganization surfaced. It was the loss of his mask, even to himself, that hurt.
A Different Framing: Unmasking Dysphoria
RSD is a trauma-related response to involuntary unmasking. What appears as emotional overreaction often reflects the nervous system’s response to unmasking and thus perceived exposure, regardless of whether the person consciously recognizes it.
Not all triggers link directly to ADHD traits or obvious masking. Triggers can be breakups, delayed texts, or vague feedback. The core fear remains: being too much, too difficult, or defective. Many with ADHD carry these narratives after adapting to unwelcoming environments. In those moments, what surfaces isn’t just fear. It’s unmasking dysphoria.
This view aligns with principles of trauma-informed care, which recognize how feeling safe, having a sense of control over one’s life, and understanding past experiences shape emotional responses.
Key points:
The real trigger is the perception of being unmasked.
The emotional intensity isn’t fragility but collapse after years of effortful self-monitoring.
These feelings tie back to identity, shame, and safety.
Why the Reframe Matters
As a trauma-informed clinician and a person with lived experience, I believe this framing deserves deeper research, especially for those with ADHD who carry emotional wounds from chronic invalidation. Better understanding the why behind RSD can guide interventions beyond surface emotion regulation toward reducing shame and increasing self-acceptance and healing.
This understanding also helps validate the exhaustion caused by masking and honors its protective role. It encourages separating performance from worth and treating the emotional collapse as a predictable, reasonable trauma-related response.
Ultimately, this shift moves the focus from sensitivity to survival and pathology to context —allowing people to receive deeper support, develop self-understanding, and show up fully and unapologetically.
Rejection Sensitivity, Masking, and ADHD: Next Steps
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Lying is characterized as a common expression of ADHD. It is also widely seen as a character flaw. But people with ADHD don’t bend the truth because they’re inherently flawed; we often lie for one or more of the following perfectly good reasons:
1. Impulsivity. We may blurt out something that isn’t true, and then not feel like we’re able to take it back.
2. Fear of punishment. Those of us with ADHD know what it is to slip up and face consequences — at school, at home, in the workplace, and in life all around. Bending the truth helps us avoid punishment when being criticized for one more thing may be too much to bear.
3. Forgetfulness. We don’t always remember what we say or do. We remember it one way and swear it happened (or didn’t) that way even if it didn’t.
4. Rejection sensitivity. It’s not an exaggeration to say that, for some people, the experience of rejection reaches death-of-a-loved-one levels. Fear of rejection, and the very real, very debilitating distress it can cause, may push us to tell a palatable lie rather than a painful truth.
I relate to all of these reasons for truth-bending. But there is a lot more to it — aspects of which touch on the complex, unspoken parts of the social contract, and how much information we owe others.
There’s lying, and then there’s leaving out information. As a fairly private person, I am selective about what I share. I may give out some details, but not all. And many times I have been accused of lying for not telling the full story. Sometimes it’s not about privacy, but about conserving energy. I leave out information if it would require me to speak or think for longer than I have my bandwidth will allow.
Lying, Or Needing Time to Process?
Related to energy-spending is processing speed. With a neurodivergent brain, it does take me longer than average to process certain things. Unfortunately, this has put me in uncomfortable situations where I am perceived as having lied.
I remember an incident from a decade ago that still stings. Ahead of an event, I indicated spare ribs in the dinner RSVP card, or at least I thought I did. Turns out I had ordered prime rib. On the day of, fully convinced that I ordered spare ribs, I told the event coordinator when my food arrived, “I didn’t order this.” “Yes, you did,” she responded, and added that I should just say I don’t want the dish instead of pretending that I didn’t order it.
I froze. I was confused, thrown off by the coordinator’s reaction, and I was called a liar. I needed a minute to process what had happened and explain myself, but that wasn’t afforded to me. So I gave in and said, “I don’t want it.”
Now imagine growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, as I did, where these experiences happened over and over and over.
I am a private person, in part, because I have struggled with a lifetime of feeling like I talk too much. I worry about oversharing.
Recently, a friend asked me about the medals on my walls. I have medals for completing virtual tours through The Conqueror Challenges. And I have medals that celebrate my sobriety milestones. In that moment, I only told my friend about medals in the former category.
Was it wrong to leave out the truth that some of my medals had to do with freedom from substances? I have zero shame about those medals, and I am proud to be substance-free. Everyone, including my friend, knows I no longer drink or use any other type of mind-altering substance.
But I left out those medals because mentioning them may have led to a longer conversation where I might have rambled, gone off topic, or accidentally gone into “trauma dumping” territory. Still, if this is a friend we’re talking about, shouldn’t I have felt comfortable sharing? Does my omission count as a lie?
Lying, or Not Given the Benefit of the Doubt?
Living with ADHD puts us in situations that often cause us to question our relationship to the truth. We withhold information for fear of oversharing, only to learn that the information was vital to the story. Or we withhold information because we’re not comfortable sharing. Sometimes telling a white lie feels like the end of the world. And, sometimes, when we bring our whole selves, it backfires, and we’re not sure why. We overthink social situations that most would quickly forget about.
No matter the reason for bending or concealing the truth, it’s frustrating and defeating when we’re viewed as flawed people who seek to intentionally deceive and harm. What we need – what we’ve always needed – is the benefit of the doubt.
Why Do People with ADHD Lie? Next Steps
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Is getting to work on time a riddle you can’t solve? Do you still arrive late even when you wake up earlier and rush through your morning routine? You’re far from alone. Tardiness is a common manifestation of ADHD, which is why I encourage you to try these “WORKS” tips to improve your on-time arrival rate.
How to Stop Being Late to Work
Wake up with enough time
“Enough” is key here. Give yourself the time you need to carry out your morning routine and get out of the door. Consider everything that you typically do, from brushing your teeth and feeding your pet to packing your lunch. Don’t just estimate – time yourself and go at your usual pace – to see how long it takes to complete all of your morning steps. Be sure to factor in any steps that sneakily but surely take up time, like snoozing or scrolling through your social media feed.
Once you know how long everything takes, then it’s a matter of making decisions. If you’re surprised by the duration of your routine, where can you streamline or remove some steps? If phone-scrolling is a must, can you keep it to 5 minutes instead of 10?
If you like your morning routine as is — even if that includes snoozing and scrolling through your phone — can you wake up earlier to fit it all in or save scrolling as a reward for arriving early to work? Try setting earlier alarms and placing alarm clocks across your room so you’ll have to exit your bed to shut them off. If this doesn’t work, you know you need to eliminate or condense steps in your morning routine.
Organize the night before
Reduce morning chaos and shorten your routine by preparing as much as you can the evening prior. Consider the following tips, and brainstorm other ways to benefit your future self.
Keep a glass of water on your nightstand and drink it upon waking
Pack your breakfast and lunch
Pack your work bag with your keys, wallet, and other essentials
Load up your automated coffee maker and set the timer for 7 a.m.
Pace your routine
Pace yourself with a timed morning music playlist or with consecutive alarms. Use these pacers to help you know when to wrap up certain steps. Consider keeping analog clocks around your home to better see the passage of time. If you have smart speakers, program them to count down to your departure time.
Know your commute
Getting out of the door is just one part of your morning routine. The next part – your commute – is obviously just as important.
For the next week, time yourself from the moment you leave your door to the moment you “clock in.” Be sure to include the time it takes to park, walk to the door, get to your floor, and make your way to your desk or work station. Calculate an average duration and notice the time that you typically arrive.
Consider whether your commute needs a revamp. Could you explore other routes or modes of transportation to get to your work site? Could you leave before peak travel hours?
If you’re consistently late to work, then a shift in mindset might be in order. There is no “on time” – there is only early or late. In other words, if you’re supposed to be at work at 9 a.m., plan to arrive at 8:30 a.m. That way, even if you’re running late, you’ll still be early. Use Google or Waze to recommend a departure time, then factor in an extra 15 minutes to build a buffer for weather and traffic issues.
Seek accountability
Find an accountability partner to help maintain motivation and on-time arrivals. Ask a co-worker or supervisor to check on your timely arrival. Consider commuting with someone else who will be counting on you. In some cities, carpooling can also allow you to utilize the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, which could decrease your drive time and stress.
How to Stop Being Late to Work: Next Steps
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As a clinical psychologist, I specialize in diagnosing and supporting neurodivergent adults. But my clients tell me that they’re cancelling their kids’ pending evaluations for autism, ADHD, or other conditions in other clinics, citing HHS database fears. I’ve also received emails asking whether it’s safe to seek or obtain a diagnosis given the current political climate.
A colleague who diagnoses autism and ADHD in adults reports that people on the practice’s waitlist have been cancelling their appointments, and that no-shows have increased since news of the HHS registry first broke. Another colleague of mine in a children’s autism clinic has developed language to assure patients that their privacy will remain protected.
The neurodivergent community is on edge. The fear-mongering dialogue from the HHS — and from its head, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., who said that “autism destroys families” — is affecting people’s ability to trust scientific experts.
Medical Opinion: Don’t Cancel Your Autism Evaluations and Appointments
I can’t predict what the government will do. As a medical provider, I can say that we are bound by Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) agreements to protect patient information, and that de-identified data has been used to understand health trends at a population level for as long as we’ve had insurance systems and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). As profoundly upsetting as the administration’s language has been regarding autism, ADHD, and neurodivergence, I can’t help but think about the growing power of the neurodivergent community. Not all is lost, and there are steps you can take today to remain informed and take charge of your family’s health.
If you are waiting for an autism evaluation for your child — and it’s likely that they’ve been on a waiting list for years, given the ongoing shortage of providers — I believe it would be best to go through with the evaluation. Share your privacy concerns with your provider and ask how they’re protecting your family’s medical information. A diagnosis opens the door to appropriate supports, and its benefits far outweigh any risks at this point, in my opinion. The longer a diagnosis and proper supports are delayed, the greater the impact on a child’s self-esteem and emotional health. In other words, the harm caused by further delaying an evaluation is not worth it.
If you are an adult seeking an evaluation, I encourage you to keep your appointment. An adult evaluation can inform your understanding of yourself and support your therapeutic goals. If you are concerned about what will happen to your medical information, know that most providers who perform adult evaluations don’t take insurance, so there isn’t any insurance system in which to put your information. Still, you should ask about how the practice ensures privacy within their electronic health records system.
If you are worried about pursuing an evaluation, know that you also have the option of working with a therapist who can help you with any presenting issues.
The Neurodivergent Community Is Powerful
One of the most powerful forms of resistance is to carry on — to go about our lives and flourish despite our fears, and to continue to advocate. The level of advocacy from this community, from people with lived experience to providers, is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Autistic parents move mountains to advocate for their children. They create programs where there are none. They find resources, protect, and innovate. Over the last 20 years, the formation of neurodiversity-affirming communities around the world has transformed how we do research and support these families. More informed and empowered than ever before, the neurodivergent community’s ability to protect themselves, advocate, and create change has never been stronger — or more important.
Autism Registry Concerns: Next Steps
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New national survey from Huntington Learning Center and YouGov finds overwhelming demand for personalized, supplemental learning programs.
ORADELL, N.J., June 5, 2025 (Newswire.com)
– A new national survey conducted by Huntington Learning Center in partnership with YouGov reveals overwhelming demand among parents for more personalized, supplemental learning programs to support students with ADHD and learning disorders. In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, 77% of parents agree that tutoring programs are important tools for addressing educational gaps, and 79% say they would enroll their child in a specialized tutoring program if diagnosed with a learning disability. Over half of parents (57%) report that the pandemic negatively impacted their child’s academic progress, with middle schoolers facing the most significant setbacks. While reasons for enrolling in supplemental learning vary, ranging from improving confidence to enhancing focus and executive functioning, 40% of parents who felt the pandemic had a negative impact have at least one child enrolled in such support.
The survey also found that 70% of parents believe supplemental learning programs are important for every child’s academic success, and 80% agree that schools should subsidize these programs specifically for students with learning disorders such as ADHD. For many families, traditional classrooms alone are no longer enough, especially when learning differences make it harder for students to stay organized, focused, and engaged.
“With appropriate and intensive intervention, students with ADHD and learning disorders can thrive,” said Dr. Mary Rooney, a clinical psychologist and featured expert in Huntington’s recent national webinar, ADHD and Learning Disorders: Understanding the Overlap and Unlocking Effective Intervention. “A diagnosis doesn’t mean a child isn’t smart-it means their brain learns differently. Understanding that can preserve self-esteem and open the door to real progress.”
Huntington Learning Center has long recognized the unique challenges students with ADHD face in the classroom. That’s why its ADHD support program is built around personalized instruction designed to address the specific struggles tied to attention, impulsivity, time management, and organization. Each student receives individualized support tailored to their learning style, with tutors breaking down complex skills into smaller, manageable parts to help reduce overwhelm and build confidence. Huntington’s program also emphasizes executive functioning strategies, helping students develop stronger study habits, plan ahead, and stay focused during assignments and tests.
In addition to academic instruction, Huntington maintains ongoing collaboration with parents and schools to ensure continuity and support across learning environments. Regular progress updates and communication with classroom teachers allow tutors to adapt plans and provide more targeted support, helping each child reach their full potential both in and out of the classroom.
“No two students with ADHD are the same,” said Anne Huntington Sharma, President and Board Member of Huntington Learning Center. “That’s why our programs are customized to each learner, addressing not just academics but the skills and confidence they need to succeed in and out of the classroom.”
By addressing the root challenges that often accompany ADHD and learning disorders, Huntington Learning Center is helping students rebuild confidence, close learning gaps, and re-engage with school in a meaningful, sustainable way.
Huntington Learning Center is the nation’s leading tutoring and test prep provider. We offer customized programs in person, online, and hybrid options. Our certified teachers provide individualized instruction in phonics, reading, writing, study skills, elementary and middle school math, Algebra through Calculus, Chemistry, and other sciences. We prep for the SAT and ACT, as well as state and standardized exams. Huntington’s programs develop the skills, confidence, and motivation to help students succeed and meet the needs of Common Core State Standards. Huntington is accredited by Middle States Association of Colleges and Schools. Founded in 1977, Huntington’s mission is to give every student the best education possible. Learn how Huntington can help at www.HuntingtonHelps.com
Contact Information
*All figures, unless otherwise stated, are from YouGov Plc. Total sample size was 843 adults with children from ages 10 to 18 yrs. Fieldwork was undertaken between 3rd – 12th March 2025. The survey was carried out online. The figures have been weighted and are representative of all US parents with children from ages 10 to 18 yrs (aged 26+)
Watch the free screening during the global premiere on May 12th, 2025
NEW YORK, May 7, 2025 (Newswire.com)
– As mental health challenges among children rise to alarming levels, a leading health and wellness video platform, Zonia, steps up with an eye-opening new docuseries. Premiering for free on May 12, 2025, Young & Thriving, is the first-ever docuseries dedicated entirely to the wellbeing of kids and adolescents. Featuring insights from 43 functional medicine doctors and mental health experts, the series embarks on a mission to decode children’s mental health issues and find actionable solutions.
Across 10 powerful episodes, Young & Thriving takes viewers on a deep dive into the various root causes of anxiety, depression, ADHD, tics, sensory issues, as well as neurodevelopmental challenges, like autism, affecting millions of children worldwide. Through the expertise of renowned experts and inspiring true stories of transformation, the series offers new perspective for parents and caregivers who seek more than just symptom management through medication. Each episode uncovers novel treatment modalities, revolutionary parenting techniques, and science-backed ways to nurture children’s mental resilience and support optimal brain health.
“We see 20% of kids on psychiatric medication for depression, we see 1 in 10 kids on ADD medication. This is something that has never been in the history of humanity,” says Dr. Mark Hyman, a functional medicine pioneer and one of the featured experts. “The question is why.” The statistics are sobering: according to the CDC, 40% of U.S. teenagers experienced persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness in 2023-but countless others could be struggling in silence. Zonia’s groundbreaking docuseries aims to empower families with the tools they need to take charge of their wellbeing. By providing actionable resources, the series helps parents identify signs of mental distress and create an individualized protocol for each child.
The global screening of Young & Thriving begins on May 12, 2025, exclusively on the Zonia platform, allowing families worldwide the opportunity to access life-changing insights-entirely free. Each episode tackles a new piece of the mental health puzzle-from stress and nutrition to gut health, technology addiction, toxins, and beyond. Viewers will leave equipped with an actionable step-by-step plan to support their children’s wellbeing. The series features insights from some of the most influential voices in health and wellness, including Dr. Joel Fuhrman, Dr. Elisa Song, Dr. Tom O’Bryan, and other experts who have devoted their lives to stem the tide and help families thrive.
“We need to become our own health advocates, stop normalizing symptoms, and look deeper for answers,” said Stefan Apostolov, the founder of Zonia and producer of the docuseries. As more parents and families struggle to navigate their kids’ problems and symptoms, the docuseries aims to shift the narrative. Young & Thriving is here to change the status quo-and prove that every child has the potential to thrive, no matter the obstacles they may face.
About Zonia
Zonia is a video-streaming platform for health and wellness for individuals who want to support their physical and mental well-being.
These are the qualities of an untrustworthy person – qualities I lived and breathed while (trying) to manage my undiagnosed ADHD.
ADHD – especially untreated – is a condition of inconsistency. We’re inexplicably “on” one day and “off” the next. It causes us to struggle to understand our behaviors and work out why we did (or didn’t) do something.
I’d say one thing but do another; make a plan, then forget it. I’d blurt out random things and make the simplest mistakes. I was scared to make future commitments because I couldn’t be sure what I’d be like when the day arrived – brilliant, or so off that it was hard to leave the house.
I was inconsistent in mood, attention, behavior, focus, and even goals. I had no inkling that there was any pattern to it. I wanted to do interesting things but committing to something out of the ordinary – like writing this blog post – risked months of dread, guilt, and procrastination.
A lifetime of inconsistency led to some strange consequences. Making even a small error would trigger an intense emotional reaction. Around other people, I tried to stay quiet, to hold in the ‘weirdness.’ And I’d check my work again, again, and again.
Why Don’t I Trust Myself? The Roots of Inconsistency
Before I knew anything about ADHD, I thought I had a clear picture of the root of my problems: anxiety and low self-confidence. I worked my way through the go-to tools: cognitive behavioral therapy, books about social skills, special breathing techniques, you name it. I even read Self-Esteem for Dummies.
Over the years, it all helped. But while I could stand up straighter, smile at myself in the mirror, and name three of my greatest qualities, I still was caught in spirals of procrastination, zoning out, obsession, and impulsiveness.
My old friend anxiety kept my brain awake enough to let me drive a car, find my keys, and pay my bills. Low self-confidence kept me out of sticky situations but led to a smaller life over time.
Then I heard about inattentive ADHD and what it looks like in women. Many, many hours of research later, I was finally able to make sense of my experiences and actions. As I learned about executive dysfunction and common support strategies, I was able to recognize those I was already using – and where I was tripping myself up.
But I was also assured that my brain would inevitably function fabulously in certain situations. The wealth of insight around the web from people who live with ADHD nudged me toward greater self-awareness. (After I read on the web that an unofficial trait of ADHD is argumentativeness, I asked a friend if that applied to me. He laughed in my face – I think that’s a yes.)
I learned how to plan my day in a way that my brain can “see.” I do things at a pace and plan that works for me. For example, rather than write this blog post in one sitting, I’ve taken to writing it in multiple locations, while wearing ear plugs, for 15 minutes at a time, while checking in on my emotional state. No matter the task, I regularly ask myself, “How does my ADHD play into this?” and “What will make this task easier for Future Me?”
Learning to Trust Myself – Even with ADHD
I’ve experienced some unexpected changes now that I trust myself more. For one thing, I now believe that it’s okay to make mistakes. I can calm down after the inevitable Big Feelings, and I know how to motivate myself to make amends. I even have an “oops quota” – if I go over my limit, I know it’s a sign that I need to tweak my systems. My ADHD-friendly systems take care of me, and I take care of them.
I can also now resist the urge to apologize for being the way I am. True, if you say, “How are you?” I may tell you in exquisite detail, or I may stare at you and not be able to think of a response. So what? I’m learning the words to explain why I do what I do, without framing it as a deficit. I want to get good at standing up for my right to be myself.
Perfection isn’t a prerequisite for self-trust (or to gain the trust of others). It’s consistency in another form: knowing that I do my best, learn from my mistakes, practice honesty, and pull through most of the time. Understanding my version of ADHD has transformed my ability to trust myself.
Learning about ADHD not only solved the mysteries of my inconsistency, but it helped ease my anxiety and increase my confidence. It released me from the fear that I was simply a bad person. It freed me up to create new, better stories about myself. Now, I can be pretty sure that if I say I’ll do something, I’ll probably do it… like writing this blog post!
Why Don’t I Trust Myself? Next Steps
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All of us can recall experiences of rejection, whether in our professional lives, social circles, or romantic relationships. For many, the initial disappointment fades quickly, managed through effective coping strategies. However, for some people, rejection can trigger an intense emotional reaction that feels disproportionate to the situation. This response can spiral into a cycle of hurt feelings, conflict, and negativity. In such cases, it might be more than just rejection sensitivity but Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) may be at play.
What does Rejection Sensitivity look like in relationships?
To better understand how RSD manifests in real-life situations, we can imagine a common scenario between a couple, Jamie and Taylor. One evening, after a long day, Taylor mentions that they’ve been feeling distant and suggests they set aside some time to reconnect and talk about their feelings.
Jamie, who experiences Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), might react very strongly to this suggestion. Instead of seeing it as a constructive opportunity, Jamie’s heart starts racing, and they feel an intense wave of shame wash over them. They are overwhelmed with thoughts like “I’m a terrible partner,” “I must be unlovable,” or “Taylor is going to leave me.” Rather than engaging with curiosity with Taylor’s suggestion, Jamie might withdraw emotionally or respond defensively, saying something like, “I can’t believe you think I’m not good enough!” This reaction could lead to a heated argument or prolonged silence between them, creating a cycle of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This cycle might go on for days, with neither of them knowing how to stop it.
In contrast, if Jamie didn’t have RSD, they might hear Taylor’s suggestion and feel some initial sadness or worry, and they may want some time to process what Taylor said. But Jamie’s response to this suggestion would not cause enormous disruptions in their relationship. Before long, Jamie might respond with appreciation, saying something like, “Thank you for bringing this up. I’d love to talk about how we can reconnect. Let’s set aside some time for this conversation when we have more energy.” This interaction would foster connection and understanding between them.
Research on rejection sensitivity
It’s important to note that RSD is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Rather, it’s a term used to describe a pattern of intense emotional experiences related to perceived rejection. The term was coined by Dr. William Dodson, a prominent figure in ADHD research and treatment, to describe the extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of being rejected, criticized, or falling short of expectations.
Research indicates that adults with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are more prone to experiencing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This may stem from differences in emotional regulation and brain structure. Moreover, adults with ADHD often report experiencing higher levels of criticism throughout their lives compared to neurotypical adults, potentially fostering an increased sensitivity to negative feedback or perceived rejection.
What Are the Differences Between Rejection Sensitivity and RSD?
To differentiate between “normal” rejection sensitivity and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), it’s important to understand some key distinctions in how rejection is experienced and understood.
Emotional Responses:
When people without RSD experience rejection, these reactions may feel proportionate to the situation, and don’t cause major upheaval in their lives. While upsetting, these experiences are usually short-lived, without a major impact on emotional well-being. On the other hand, those with RSD experience emotional pain that can lead to dramatic mood shifts and a feeling of overwhelm or being out of control. And the emotional response to rejection can sometimes last for days.
Perception of Rejection
People without RSD have occasional concerns about rejection, but don’t have an overwhelming experience of being rejected. People with RSD are constantly on the look-out for rejection, and find signs of it all around them. They may be more prone to perceive rejection even when it isn’t actually happening.
Impact on Daily Life
When people without RSD experience rejection, they can generally handle it without overwhelming distress and disruptions to their life. On the other hand, those with RSD find that rejection causes significant issues with various aspects of daily life, such as productivity and ability to focus. As a result, people with RSD may avoid social or work situations out of fear of the impact of rejection.
Self-Perception
People with RSD often have a chronic, negative self-perception, including feelings of a lack of self-worth and shame. In contrast, people without RSD may experience some sporadic and temporary self-doubt in the face of rejection.
How to Deal with RSD
There are several important strategies that couples can use in order to address the impacts of RSD on their relationship. Using the example of Jamie and Taylor, where Taylor’s request for a conversation about their relationship triggered Jamie’s RSD, the following strategies could help.
Utilize Honest and Respectful Communication
Using techniques such as softened start-up can help create a foundation of open communication. For example, “I feel worried when you approach me with relationship issues at the end of a busy day” instead of “you’re always complaining about something I did wrong.”
Develop Fondness and Admiration
Cultivating positive feelings towards each other can help buffer against RSD-related negativity. Both partners should regularly express gratitude to build a positive emotional bank account. Taylor could say “I really appreciate your willingness to work on our connection,” and Jamie could respond with “Thank you for being patient with me when I struggle with these feelings.”
Recognize Flooding and Develop a Time-Out System
When someone is overwhelmed and in a state of Diffuse Physiological Arousal, emotions can become overwhelming. In these moments, it’s critical to implement a time-out system, so that both partners can pause and re-engage when they feel calmer. Jamie could say something like “I need a moment to breathe and calm down. Can we pause for fifteen minutes?”
De-escalate Conflicts
Learn to recognize signs of escalating conflict and use techniques to calm the situation before it worsens. Jamie and Taylor could both implement a repair phrase to use If tension escalates, such as “can we take a step back? I want to understand you better.”
Practice Patience and Understanding
Managing RSD can be an ongoing process. If couples are able to acknowledge progress and appreciate each other’s efforts, they will be able to better deal with the challenges that they face.
Seek Professional Support
If you or your partner feel that rejection sensitivity is impacting your relationship, individual and/or couples therapy may be helpful. Individual psychotherapy can help people with RSD to gain insight into their emotions, and learn skills for managing their responses. In addition, couples therapy can help both partners understand each other better, and develop tools for handling the impact of RSD on their relationship.
My daughter shouts at me every day, and sometimes I shout right back.
ADHD gives me plenty of skills I can model for my kids, but good frustration tolerance isn’t one of them. I can make up silly songs on demand, but I’m rubbish at remaining unruffled when my 6-year-old’s temper flares.
My younger child is a lovable ball of brightness, kindness, and fun, but many things short her circuit and invoke her iron will, from unsolicited carrots to socks that won’t reach their requisite height.
She might well be neurodivergent herself. (We’re waiting in line for assessment.) But whatever the root of her proneness to grievance, it feels like we’re peas in a pod. My patience is apt to desert me the second she loses hers.
There are things I can give her directly to help her stay grounded and happy: empathy, boundaries, nutritious meals, plenty of nourishing cuddles, choice where possible, my fullest attention, the conscious uncoupling of me and my phone. But kids need a stable, consistent caregiver who they can watch and copy. If I can’t manage my own frustration, how will she ever handle hers?
Modeling Calm When Anger Strikes
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to model calm when it counts, and it strikes me that there are two things I need to nail if things are to be less shouty around here.
Most of what gives me balance is basic. Exercise, fresh air, and eating well. Walking up hills and through parks. Pilates and painting and learning new things. Time with no screens or voices to allow me to drift and dream.
They’re simple remedies, but my mental health slides if I fail to give them priority. Luckily, my partner has his own list too, so we tag-team to tick off as much as we can.
2. Keeping my cool in the moment
Much harder to master is the consistent deployment of effective strategies when my daughter digs her heels in.
When my child gets stuck in an emotional vortex, reason cannot reach her. I know how that feels myself and I’m often inclined to join her. But some recent therapy has helped me to see that I do have a choice in the moment. I can either hop aboard the resentment express and trot out a pointless monologue that spikes my cortisol and guarantees escalation. Or I can pause and make a conscious decision about how I’d like to proceed.
It’s not easy. The stress in my body is physical and real. I feel it in my chest and my neck. My ears ring and my heart races. But there are ways of letting it go. I can notice the tightness and relax the tension. My mind will often follow. I can focus on breathing more slowly and deeply (if I’m actually breathing at all). I can silently soothe myself in the tone of a grown-up who knows this will pass. When I pull it off, I’m not faking or in toxic denial. I just feel a lot more balanced and able to ride out the storm.
I get a chance to deploy my new tactics in the art of non-reaction on a Saturday, when we fancy a walk in the woods. The little one won’t get dressed, of course. Weekends are for lying down, she declares, as she burrows under our duvet, tucking it in around her to secure her fortress against potential incursion.
We could be here a while, I think. Last week we aborted completely. I implore her to put on some clothes. She kicks off the covers and thrashes around, emitting a grating whine. My chest tightens, my heart rate quickens, and I want to launch into my lecture.
But I stop. I breathe. I remember that calm breeds calm and that staying centred will help us both. She performs a series of loud exhalations, but I say to her softly that we’re leaving. Voices do not get raised. I exit the room and in minutes she’s clothed and skipping out to the van.
She briefly objects to my offensive plan to take a jacket just in case. But I let it wash over me and it burns out fast. Off we go in peace.
The same trick works on Tuesday when I commit a transgression with celery and she CANNOT EAT THIS LASAGNA (she does) and again on Friday when it puts to bed a debate over whether jellybeans constitute breakfast (they don’t).
Modeling Calm, One Little Test at a Time
There are blips involving poached eggs and car seats. I’m tired and hormonal and late – and I yell. But part of my internal deal is that I’m kind to myself when I fail. Improvement is still improvement if it’s only some of the time.
I’m buoyed by how things are going. My girl is more flexible and she’s proud of herself when she lets things go. I’m feeling quite proud of me, too.
So maybe I can crack this. Maybe soon I’ll add “measured response to frustration” to the list of things I can pass to my children. It’s not as fun as singing ditties about teachers or toilets, but it’s arguably a more essential skill that will serve them well in life.
How to Be a Calm Parent: Next Steps
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Losing track of time – while a maddening manifestation of ADHD time blindness – is not a hopeless certainty. From alarms and task chunking to time-estimation exercises, the strategies below can help you develop a more “ACCURATE” sense of time.
8 Ways to Stop Losing Track of Time
Alarms
If you aren’t already, get into the habit of setting alarms (on your phone or other devices) to keep you on track. You can use alarms in multiple ways:
as prompts (like to remind you to check your email at a certain time)
as transition warnings (e.g., “10 minutes to go before your meeting”)
as check-ins (e.g., “Did you check your email when you said you would?”)
as time markers (like an alarm with distinct chimes on the hour)
Place analog/visual clocks in all your spaces so that you can readily see time passing with the hands on the clock. Consider other visual time-keeping tools, like hourglasses and the Time Timer, a clock that shows the passage of time via a disappearing red disk.
Comparison
Come up with a list of activities that you know take 5, 15, 30, 60 and 90 minutes. When you are estimating the length that an activity will take, use your list to compare. Will doing the dishes take longer than….
listening to two songs in a row (5 to 6 minutes)?
listening to five songs in a row (13 to 15 minutes)?
watching an episode of a sitcom (30 minutes)?
watching an episode of a TV drama (45-55 minutes)?
watching a movie (90 minutes)?
Unique Visuals
Take your to-do list a step further by adding your tasks to your calendar as time-blocked activities. Keep your daily calendar as visible and eye-catching as possible, with different colors for each task/activity. Throughout the day, compare what you’re doing to what’s on your visual schedule to see if you are keeping the correct pace.
From morning to evening, routines do an amazing job of keeping us on schedule. Doing the same activities over and over will eventually give you an intuitive benchmark and take the guesswork out of time estimation, at least for part of your day.
Audio Playlist
Use timed playlists as fun cues to signal the passage of time. A study playlist, for example, can subtly remind you that you have 5 minutes left until your break once a certain song starts to play. You can also create playlists that match the length of a task (like a 10-minute bedroom cleanup).
Task Chunking
Avoid getting lost in a large task by breaking it down into smaller parts, which can also help with time estimation. Working in shorter intervals can also help you reset your focus.
Estimation
Not sure how long various task or activities take? Play the estimation game and guess the length of time for a task and then time yourself while doing it. Compare your estimate with the actual time (be honest) and then adjust your expectations accordingly. Doing this often can improve your time estimation skills across the board.
Losing Track of Time? Next Steps
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“Call a dog by a name enough times and he will eventually respond to it.”
I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.
Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.
A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.
1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.
2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.
3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.
The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.
4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.”Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.
But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.
5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.
Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.
Girls with ADD: Next Steps
Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.
SUPPORT ADDITUDE Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Our descent down the rabbit hole of in-app purchasing started innocently enough. My youngest child, Luca, asked me to let him spend $1.99 of his pocket-money to buy coins in an iPad game.
“It takes forever to get these coins when you’re playing,” he said, showing me the game. “I can spend $1.99 and get 800 coins, but only if I do it now! It’s 90% off, but the deal only lasts for 58 more minutes! Please, Mom?”
“Luca,” I said. “When a game tells you something is 90% off, that’s just marketing designed to make you want to spend money.”
“It’s working,” Luca said earnestly. “I do want to spend my money. And it’s my money.”
I sighed.
Luca’s request had come a few days after my husband and I opened a debit account for him and his older brother, Max, for their 9th and 11th birthdays, respectively.
“We told you your savings was your money,” I said to Luca. “But we also said we weren’t going to let you spend it on just anything, remember?”
“This is not just anything. It’s only $1.99 and I’ve been playing this game for weeks and this is the best deal I’ve ever seen. Ever.”
“OK,” I finally said. “This is a yes.”
I pressed my thumb on the sensor to authorize the purchase and a delighted Luca raced off to show Max, my ADHD-wired firstborn.
This, my friends, is when all the trouble really started.
The Big Business of In-App Purchases
Max quickly appeared to demand a similar purchase in a game. Eager to allow my boys to exercise their decision-making muscles, I said yes. So when the boys showed up repeatedly in the following days with additional purchase requests, I kept saying yes.
Two weeks later, both boys had spent more than $150. I was getting very worried. Though I tried to dissuade or delay them each time they came to me, their interest wasn’t waning, even as they burned through their savings. But while Luca’s spending eventually slowed, Max’s didn’t. If anything, he was picking up speed — requesting more expensive purchases, more frequently.
This was very out of character for Max, who had previously been resistant to spending any money — preferring instead to save it and plot about spending it on completely age-inappropriate things, like spear guns for fishing. After his first in-app purchase, it was shocking to see how quickly he transformed from miser to spendthrift.
When Max came to me for the second time in a single day requesting to spend another $26, I decided I wasn’t prepared to let him spend all his savings.
“I think we need a circuit breaker here — a pause,” I told Max. “I think that I should say ‘no’ to in-app purchases for the next week. What do you think?”
Unsurprisingly, Max did not think we needed a circuit breaker.
We settled on this: Max still had the choice to go through with this particular purchase (which he did) and then we would have a 10-day “no purchases” circuit-breaker.
That original circuit-breaker temporarily slowed things down, but it did not completely quell his willingness to spend money.
I know our family is far from alone in these struggles. In moderation, in-app purchases can be an easy way to have a bit of fun in a game. But in-app purchasing has become a billion-dollar business. Many iPad games are sophisticated marketing machines that use gambling tactics and other predatory techniques to market directly to children. The dopamine rush of leveling up in a game after spending money is addictive and the consequences are profound. Some parents report that their kids have become secretive and deceitful — guessing or stealing passwords, using credit cards without permissions, resetting devices to restore permissions, and finding other workarounds that will enable them to keep clicking “purchase.” Our children with ADHD, who struggle with impulse control and regulation, are far less equipped to resist this powerful temptation.
So what can parents do? What do I recommend as a psychologist, as the mother of a demand-avoidant pre-teen with ADHD, and as someone who’s learned a lot about this the hard way in the last couple of years?
My first piece of advice: Keep this Pandora’s Box closed for as long as possible. If you haven’t yet started down this path, don’t.
Invest in games, gaming systems, and subscription services such as Apple Arcade that don’t offer in-app purchases and/or show ads. They are worth the money.
Make it a family norm early on that you don’t download games that offer in-app purchases.
If and when you do download a game that offers in-app purchases, make it clear that you will never authorize any in-app purchases for this game. Take it a step further and disable in-app purchases on your child’s device.
If you ever do decide to allow your child to make in-app purchases, have some discussions first:
1. Set clear limits – but expect boundary-pushing. Establish how much money they have available to spend and how quickly they can spend it. Even with these limits, brace for fallout, pleas, and arguments when their money runs out, and plan ahead for how you will respond to that fallout.
2. Express your wants. The day that Max came to me twice to make an in-app purchase, I told him I had two wants. “I want to allow you to make your own decisions,” I said. “And I want to help you make wise decisions and teach you how to resist the powerful desire to buy things.”
3. Teach your kid about marketingtactics such as price anchoring, charm pricing, and the scarcity effect. When they come to you about a purchase, challenge them to spot the marketing tactics being used on them.
4. Talk to your child about other dynamics that drive in-app purchasing, such as chasing the dopamine buzz, the social pressure of keeping up with friends, the desire to make progress fast in a game, and so on.
5. Talk to your child about their ADHD brain. They should understand that impulse control challenges come with the territory, which makes it especially hard to resist the temptation to buy.
6. Invite your child to problem-solve when issues come up. Be open with your child about any concerning patterns or behaviors you’ve noticed regarding in-app purchases. Ask for their input as you find a viable way forward.
7. Experiment with different approaches and solutions to limit in-app purchases. Some ideas to get you started:
X-day/week blackout periods
weekly or monthly spending limits
waiting periods for spending (e.g., wait 24 hours before making an in-app purchase)
written agreements that include consequences for circumventing the rules
8. Don’t be afraid to feel your way forward. Just because you’ve agreed to a measure doesn’t mean that you will do things this way and forevermore. In fact, don’t expect any solutions you negotiate to hold for longer than a couple of months. Expecting to revisit this issue regularly will help you be more patient and feel less frustrated.
The other day, I asked Max for advice he thought I should give other parents who are in this situation. “Just say no, and NEVER SAY YES,” he responded. “Basically, be way stricter with them than you’ve been with us.”
“But what about families like ours where we’ve already said yes sometimes?” I said. “What can you do then?”
“Well,” Max said, getting more creative. “Tell your kids that the currency for the game has changed, and you can’t get any of that new currency. So, it’s broken. You just can’t do it.”
“So… lie?” I asked. “Yes,” Max said. “Lie.”
In moments when we may be tempted to lie to our kids, I often wish we had in-parenting purchase options — for upgrading patience, boosting problem-solving skills, or short-circuiting conflicts. Alas, the game we’re playing as parents is a no-shortcuts quest.
In App Purchases: Next Steps
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The following is a personal essay, and not a medical recommendation endorsed by ADDitude. For more information about treatment, speak with your physician.
Since October 2022, thousands of individuals with ADHD have faced immense difficulty accessing prescribed stimulant medication – the treatment they need to function and lead healthy lives. No relief is in sight.
Make no mistake that the reason for the ongoing stimulant shortage has much to do with how stimulant medication itself is viewed. After all, the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) classifies stimulants as Schedule II drugs for their “high potential for abuse” and sets national drug quotas for these substances based on that classification.12 This drug quota is, arguably, a major factor driving the shortage.3
Like many psychiatrists, I have taken the Schedule II classification of stimulants at face value for most of my career. Prescription stimulants are Schedule II, so they must be very addictive. How do I know? Because they are Schedule II.
This circular thinking has stopped me – and likely others – from noticing the mismatch between this classification and what I observe clinically. And while it may seem like the Schedule II classification is set in stone, it isn’t. In fact, the Controlled Substances Act specifically states that organizations, or even individuals, may petition the DEA to reclassify a substance.4 Shouldn’t we at least question whether these medications belong in Schedule II?
Controlled Substances: What We Get Wrong About Stimulants for ADHD
The DEA classifies drugs into five distinct categories depending upon their medical use and potential for abuse or dependency. Schedule V drugs have the lowest potential for abuse, while Schedule I drugs have a high potential for abuse and no current accepted medical use.
While working as a community psychiatrist, I used to brace myself for the bad outcomes from prescription stimulants. After all, as Schedule II drugs, they sit way up in the DEA’s scale. But what I found was that carefully prescribed stimulants rarely caused issues, whereas other drugs deemed “safer” often did.
Take benzodiazepines, drugs that are used to treat conditions like anxiety and insomnia. With benzodiazepines, tolerance and dependence are common, the withdrawal syndrome is serious, and overdoses can be lethal, especially when combined with opioids. When used long-term, the taper can be rocky and often requires several months to complete.
Comparatively, standard prescription stimulant treatment has minor problems. Withdrawal syndromes are rare and brief. While I have seen occasional misuse, I haven’t seen prescription stimulant overdoses or use disorders. Rather, I’ve seen people gain control of their lives. They graduate college, they hold jobs, and their relationships improve. Early refill requests are rare.
People who are prescribed scheduled benzodiazepines rarely miss a dose and need no reminders. Most of my patients with ADHD, however, struggle to take medications every day and may forget to fill their medications on time.
The stark difference in adherence between benzodiazepines and prescription stimulants likely reflects two things: the symptoms of ADHD itself and the fact that stimulant medications, when taken as prescribed, are much less reinforcing compared to benzodiazepines.
Just ask any child who takes Quillivant, a banana-flavored liquid form of methylphenidate, if they want their morning dose. Many will run, far. Beer and coffee are acquired tastes because the brain pairs their flavors with the good feeling that follows consumption. The ‘drug liking’ effect of alcohol and caffeine reinforces a desire for the taste — a phenomenon that hardly occurs when taking stimulants as prescribed for ADHD. Coffee and alcohol, despite their abuse potential and widespread use, are freely available to most of the public.
Benzodiazepines, for all their dangers, are Schedule IV. Meanwhile, prescription stimulants sit in the Schedule II Hall of Shame, along with fentanyl. Yes, fentanyl – a substance 50 times more potent than heroin and responsible for a majority of the thousands of overdose deaths in the United States in 2023.56 Surely, there must be a classification error here, right?
National overdose deaths involving prescription stimulants is difficult to track because of a coding issue that lumps prescription stimulants with illicit methamphetamines. Fortunately, one study separated the two by looking at substance-related death certificates from 2010 to 2017. Of the 1.2 million total deaths that involved substances, only 0.7% involved prescription stimulants, often used in combination with other substances. Methylphenidate-related deaths accounted for .02% (295) of all substance use-related deaths, or an average of 37 deaths per year. Compared to methylphenidate, there were twice as many deaths involving pseudoephedrine (615), which does not require a prescription, and 160 times more illicit methamphetamine-related deaths (49,602).7
Stimulants Are Safe – and Life-Saving – When Used as Prescribed
The sparsity of stimulant prescription-related deaths may reflect their essential role in treatment. ADHD is associated with greater risk for accidents, injury, premature death, and suicide.8 Multiple studies suggest that treatment with prescription stimulants may lower the risk of these adverse and deadly events.8-11
Unfortunately, the serious risks of illicit methamphetamine use can drive stigma and fear toward prescription stimulants. Many people with ADHD may be hesitant to start stimulants for concerns about heart problems and addiction. While illicit methamphetamine does cause major heart problems and is highly addictive, appropriate prescription stimulant treatment does not carry this risk.12,13 Even in overdose, major cardiovascular events are rare.14 Multiple studies also show that prescription stimulant treatment for ADHD does not increase the risk of developing a substance use disorder (SUD) and may even have a protective effect.15,16
Importantly, there are situations, namely non-oral misuse (e.g., snorting, smoking, or injecting), where prescription stimulants do have high potential for abuse. These routes allow stimulants to enter the brain rapidly and cause a rapid spike in dopamine. The faster and bigger the spike, the more intense the “high” or “drug liking” effect that will reinforce use. Oral routes, on the other hand, more slowly deliver drugs to the brain. This is partly why stimulants, when taken as prescribed, hold a much lower addiction potential.17
Most people with ADHD will never snort or inject their medications. People without ADHD usually won’t, either. Indeed, the Schedule II classification appears to be on behalf of a subset of people, with and without ADHD, who use stimulant medications non-orally. Arguably, a more tailored way to protect this group may lie on the diagnostic side — by taking a careful history, requiring drug screens in adolescents and young adults, and considering non-stimulants when the risks are too high. Many youth will also welcome a matter-of-fact discussion on substance use and harm reduction.
On Stimulant Misuse
A more common issue is oral prescription stimulant misuse — that is, taking someone else’s medication or too much of your own. A 2022 survey showed that 15% of college students reported taking someone else’s prescription stimulant at least once in their lifetime, but most did so less than once a month. Only 0.1% of students reported misusing prescription stimulants more than four times per month.18
Most college students report misusing prescription stimulants for perceived performance enhancement.19 The misuse pattern does not tend to escalate and is lower-risk in nature. This is likely because most students who misuse will only do so orally, which is much less addictive, and they are not using to get high. Some of this misuse may also be an effort to self-medicate. A 2010 study showed that prescription stimulant misusers were seven times more likely to screen positive for ADHD compared to non-misusing students.20
To be clear, it is still a bad idea to misuse prescription stimulants. While the health risks do not appear to warrant schedule II classification, that does not mean “risk free.” All prescription medications carry risks, and risks can vary based on factors like dose, route, and the individual. What is safe for one person can be dangerous for another. For instance, someone with bipolar disorder can become manic from a prescription stimulant. Someone who regularly uses illicit methamphetamine may tolerate high doses of prescription stimulants whereas someone else may become agitated, psychotic or go into renal failure at a much lower dose.14
For those at higher risk for prescription pill misuse, there are also long-acting formulations that were designed to prevent non-oral use. For instance, Concerta (methylphenidate ER) has a hard outer coating that is very difficult to crush.21 This will deter most people. In addition, when studied in a group of adolescents with ADHD and an SUD, Concerta rated only one point higher than placebo in “drug-liking” effect.22
Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) is another long-acting formulation that deters abuse. Vyvanse comes as an inactive prodrug and won’t activate until it is converted by an enzyme in the bloodstream. Even if someone snorts or injects it, it will still need to be converted to an active form in the body and will not produce a more rapid effect. Two “drug-liking” studies also suggest lower abuse potential with IV doses not differing from placebo.2324 While a supratherapeutic oral dose had some “liking,” it also measured higher on “drug-disliking.”24
Reclassifying prescription stimulants to a lower tier would more accurately reflect real-world data on addictive potential, health risk, and their public health benefit. Still, any reclassification to a lower tier carries the risk of fueling misconceptions about safety. Some may mistake reclassification as a green light to misuse. Misconceptions on safety may also drive the purchase of counterfeit pills. Make no mistake: Counterfeit prescription stimulants – which can be easily purchased online – kill people. These fake pills are made to look just like real prescription stimulants, but instead contain illicit methamphetamine and/or fentanyl, in unpredictable amounts. Taking even one counterfeit pill can be lethal.25
Prescription stimulant misuse, as a whole, is a problem that deserves our attention. Targeted education needs to occur at the individual, family and school levels. This may include dispelling myths on cognitive enhancement, emphasizing the higher risk with non-oral use, and increasing awareness on counterfeit pills. When young people are taught the actual risks and realities of the current drug landscape, they are given a chance to make safer choices. This strategy is rooted in connecting with at-risk youth and can happen without interfering with the treatment of people with ADHD.
Schedule II Drugs: The Case for Reclassifying Stimulant Medication
Ensuring access to stimulant treatment is essential to the lives of millions of people with ADHD, and it benefits the public at large. While there is widespread oral misuse, the use does not tend to escalate. Non-oral use is higher risk, but less common and rarely fatal, making prescription stimulants an outlier in the Schedule II class.
Prescription stimulants are long overdue for reclassification. For those still on the fence, here is a more conservative approach: Start with rescheduling medications that have abuse-deterring properties, such as Concerta, Vyvanse, and their generic equivalents. By releasing these medications from the chains of Schedule II, more people with ADHD can live their lives.
Do you think prescription stimulants should be reclassified? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
Schedule 2 Drugs and Stimulants: Next Steps
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This article was originally published in November 2021
ADHD is incredibly common amongst elite athletes, and yet for the majority of sufferers, it makes it doubly hard to perform.
I was 37 when it was first suggested I might have ADHD, so I obviously went straight to Google to see what kind of company I was in. I landed on an article about how common ADHD is in elite athletes – Simone Biles, Michael Phelps, Nicola Adams, gymnast Louis Smith, and Shaquille O’Neal are all in the club – and thought that perhaps everyone had been wrong about my diagnosis after all. I am not sporty. I hadn’t even owned a pair of trainers until I was 30, and the shell suit I wore in 1995 was really just for show.
The first incident I’d blame for my lack of interest in any kind of movement was a ballet class I took when I was four. I had just that afternoon touched a burning hot lawn mower because my mum had told me not to, so my hands were wrapped in cellophane as my fingerprints slowly melted off. I couldn’t hold hands with the other children in the class, and without the familiar push-and-pull of their movements, I had no idea where I should be in the routine we’d practised for nearly a year. The teacher tutted and shook her head, told me to L-I-S-T-E-N. I felt hot with shame and didn’t go back after that.
It was during my assessment for ADHD that I realised for the first time it might be something else making me hate my uncooperative body.”
At school, I was enthusiastic for a time and often began a new sport with some confidence, but dropped it within two sessions, either bored or beat. I was sent from pitch to court as teacher after teacher tried to find that one thing I could play properly, where I wouldn’t fall over, forget the rules, or slow everyone else to a grinding halt. I almost won out when they offered us a semester of Vogueing – it was the closest I felt to happy in those scratchy air-tex T-shirts – but when it came to the curriculum’s set routine, the assessment was that while I had the personality for it (you bet your ass I did), I lacked the coordination, and I got a C. Within a few months, I knew how to fake a sprained ankle and a “heavy flow”, and that was that.
I’ve blamed my poor self-esteem and total lack of trust I had in my body for the lifelong avoidance of exercise that followed. I was too weak and erratic. Not lazy, because ironically my default pace is “run”, whether that’s from the bus to work when I’m already an hour early, or just navigating the supermarket aisles. But inadequate. It was during my assessment for ADHD that I realised for the first time it might be something else making me hate my uncooperative body.
“In order to engage with most sports and forms of exercise, you have to keep to a routine and follow instructions,” explained consultant psychiatrist Dr. Mohamed Abdelghani of Dyad Medical in London. “You have to put the work in to see a gradual improvement in your performance – it’s not often about immediate results. You might have to commit to early starts and a monotonous, repetitive practice. You may have to take turns if it’s a team sport. All of this can be incredibly difficult for someone with ADHD, who is likely to be more clumsy, more fidgety, restless, impulsive, and struggle with both following instructions and time-keeping.”
Check, check, and check. Spending silly cash on top-to-toe Sweaty Betty and a new yoga mat, only to quit three classes in? Yep. Getting hyperfocused on goal-setting and a prework swim routine only to realise schlepping up and down a pool is f*cking dull? Same. I realise now this means I’ve never given myself the time to improve at anything. But this boredom also has a very real physical fallout in a body with ADHD: with the slump in dopamine comes a huge energy crash, to the point where I’d get dizzy and have to sit out.
“We see this ‘boom and bust’ a lot in ADHD – the energy levels aren’t well regulated,” said Dr. Abdelghani, “It’s hard to anticipate when you’ll experience fatigue, so you’ll be put off committing to regular classes, especially when you’re juggling other demands at home and at work. Some days, you won’t be able to perform.”
There’s also evidence to suggest that while boys, men, and AMAB folks are just as likely to be affected, certain gender norms mean that girls are simply less likely to participate in organised sports from an early age. “Girls receive less social support to take part in sports, they may have the perception that they enjoy sports less than boys, and then puberty can also play a part in making girls more reluctant, whether because of concerns about their body shape or image, or adjusting to the changes they’re going through,” says Dr. Jo Steer, chartered clinical psychologist and author of Understanding ADHD in Girls and Women.
Then there’s the low self-esteem to contend with – girls, women, and AFAB folks with ADHD are far more likely to experience a general lack of self-worth, making class activities an ordeal.
“[Coaches] need to be informed of ADHD, how it impacts on the individual they are coaching, and what reasonable adjustments need to be in place.”
“Any negative feedback is going to be detrimental, too,” said Dr. Abdelghani, “Depending on the level of emotional dysregulation a person with ADHD has, certain comments will really hit home. It’s harder to overcome performance anxiety if there’s an element of trauma involved, and so you do your best to avoid it in the future.”
But before I resign myself to the sofa for good, poor physical health often goes hand in hand with ADHD, too. Exercise is therefore vital in improving this picture, and can actually help with the symptoms, too, said Dr. Abdelghani: “It’s something to do with the excess energy and exertion that can help improve sleep. It can also give you a structure to build your day around.” Exercise also increases dopamine in the brain, which helps improve attention and focus in ADHD, as well as endorphins to make us feel good.
Imagine, then, if this pattern of poor performance, criticism, and eventual avoidance could be broken in childhood, so that more of us can hope for a more balanced approach to sport. Dr. Steer thinks the approach of the coach is central to this change: “They need to be informed of ADHD, how it impacts on the individual they are coaching, and what reasonable adjustments need to be in place. For example, perhaps the girl can be set a task to do while waiting, and then there should be time for a quick check in following group instructions to ensure she has heard and is clear on her role. Individual-based sports can be ideal – I’ve worked with girls who excel at athletics, karate, trampolining, and gymnastics.”
Certainly as an adult and armed with a better understanding of my ADHD symptoms – specifically, my boredom, inattentiveness, fluctuating energy levels, and difficulty following instructions – I know I’m best off with a teacher for a one-to-one session. That dedicated attention keeps me focused on the job in hand, ensures I’m doing it right, and my instructor knows to keep things varied and not let me try to waffle my way out of moving with a sideline chat about Adele’s new album. It’s too expensive to do forever, but I plan to mix it up with the briefest HIIT videos I can find, swimming when it feels COVID-safe again (channelling my inner Michael Phelps, because you can’t really get bored of swimming – you either splash on or drown, right?), and dance. The writer and fellow ADHD-er Natalie Hughes pointed me toward The Fitness Marshall videos on YouTube for something lively and stimulating that doesn’t feel like a workout. I’ve also heard from so many women with ADHD that spinning is ideal, so if Peloton is looking for a neurodivergent ambassador who may or may not quit after week one, I’m here ready and willing in my brand new shell suit.
My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.
He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.
“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”
He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.
Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels
Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.
My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.
All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.
My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.
Like Father, Like Son
“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.
“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.
I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.
We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.
Our ADHD Family
We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.
We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.
I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.
ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps
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When I reveal that I have ADHD, I often hear about how “brave” I am for being so “open” and “vulnerable.” Granted, I like hearing that because I’m human and I like compliments. Plus, it’s better than fending off stereotypes about ADHD.
To be totally honest, though, I’m not telling you about my ADHD diagnosis to promote diversity, make you feel more comfortable confiding in me, or whatever other altruistic reason you’re thinking. I’m telling you as an act of self-preservation, often after days of deliberation over whether I will hurt or help my case. Disclosing my ADHD is a carefully calculated risk that’s more about substantive outcomes than feel-good moments.
Explaining ADHD to Someone Who Doesn’t Have It
Disclosing my ADHD is really about showing you the inner workings of my mind. My day-to-day life reminds me of my choir teacher’s advice for onstage performance: “Be like a duck: calm on top and paddling like crazy under the surface.” You can’t see my constant struggles to stay on top of employment, housework, and personal affairs; you can’t hear my every thought scream for my total attention as I fail to hold onto a single one; you certainly can’t feel the smaller effects of ADHD pile on top of each other to create a web of executive dysfunction.
No matter how calm I seem on the surface, underneath I am paddling through constant self-assessments and adjustments.
Without the context of a diagnosis, I’m a mess. I can’t get anywhere on time. My apartment is filled with projects that I dove into, lost interest in, and can’t bring myself to put away. Efforts to reach out are too easily put off and forgotten. And heaven help you if I’m having more trouble with my emotional regulation than usual.
So, in more casual settings, my telling you about my ADHD is to let you know that nothing’s personal. I didn’t show up 10 minutes late and yawn when you were talking because I hate you and want to disrespect your time. While you certainly have the right to boundaries and shouldn’t just put up with certain behaviors, you should also know that my shortcomings do not reflect how I view our relationship. And, hopefully, you don’t hate me as much after I’ve confided in you.
When Disclosing ADHD, Context Matters
From a professional perspective, my honesty about ADHD could mean the difference between remaining employed or yet another job hunt. I’m sure that never occurred to my managers as they went on about my courage and whatnot – that I had actual goals beyond reveling in feel-good honesty. Not that I would recommend that everyone with ADHD should disclose their diagnosis to employers. Most sources suggest not doing so, and for good reason.
Conscious and unconscious biases are inevitable, and anything that could make me stand out as a problem could also be my undoing. Though I have been open about my diagnosis and received ADA accommodations, I will always wonder if my managers are now keeping a closer eye on me for any slip-up that would go unnoticed if made by a co-worker.
Disclosing a diagnosis, especially one like ADHD that forces me to confront some of my deepest insecurities, is unpleasant at best. I don’t do it for fun. My decision to open up to you was difficult and ultimately made in hopes of some sort of action. Maybe that’s just a bit of patience, or some help navigating a world that was not designed for me.
I trust you enough to give you a chance to understand me better, and, in turn, learn how we can grow together. Please take that chance.
Explaining ADHD: Next Steps
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To live with unmanaged ADHD is to face chaotic fires that threaten to burn our sense of self-efficacy and damage our connection with loved ones, and which we spend so much energy trying to extinguish.
But what we often fail to consider is how these fires are sparked.
Before the consequence of unmanaged ADHD blows up in our faces, there is a long progression of unnoticed action that gradually stokes such a blaze. Unchecked ADHD, then, is more of a slow, silent, invisible flame that heats and bubbles under the surface. Everything may appear smooth on the surface, but the hushed activity below tells a different story.
This quiet simmer is a vast collection of kindling – of distractions, impulsive actions, lack of initiation, and other issues that eventually spark and rage into an inferno — a missed deadline, a failed relationship, a lost job, a failed class. To the person with ADHD, simmers are so easy to ignore or miss altogether. Fires are undeniable.
When the fire erupts, everybody runs wild in a panic, which increases our chances of acting upon the situation. The crisis revs up the brain chemistry that provokes fear, which makes us move and do. We run around in circles trying to extinguish the awful thing, engaging serious damage control. This usually includes saying we’re desperately sorry, groaning to ourselves that yet again we’ve screwed up. Sometimes we hide under a rock.
This is one reason why ADHD is so hard for the larger community to accept. “How can you act like this sometimes but not all the time?” If we were blind, we wouldn’t see some of the time. The consensus among all affected by our fires — parents, teachers, spouses, friends, bosses — is that to prevent the next one, we must remain in freak-out mode because that’s the only thing that will keep us in check.
The problem, of course, was never the raging fire. That was only the most obvious consequence of the slow-burn of hundreds of small decisions prior to it, when we decided to do the wrong thing at the wrong time, one on top of the other. That is at the heart of what it means to suffer and struggle with ADHD.
Living with ADHD: The Importance of Self-Awareness
The work of preventing these self-defeating fires is more subtle and consistent than a handful of panic episodes, and more fine-tuned to the specific issue with which we struggle. The solution rests on one thing and one thing only: Self-awareness. You can’t change what you don’t see.
It’s hard to learn how to become aware of those subtle, quiet seconds of mis-decision, especially when there’s panic in the room. Awareness is a quieter practice. It prefers to act on a stage of self-compassion, self-honesty, and wanting to change. It involves figuring out how we’re going to help ourselves to notice in the first place. But how do we build awareness when the landscape seems so unknowable, so unmapped?
When people run from fires, nobody slows down to map the area. Self-awareness happens when we have extra bandwidth to catch ourselves deciding to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. These are those classic moments when we decide “just for now” not to study, or when we “just have to” blurt out a secret, or when we decide we’ll put away our coat or the dinner plate “later.”
It’s true that negative reinforcers are so enticing, and we’ve used them since we were kids. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could notice when we do the wrong thing at the wrong time without the fire department having to clang its bell next to our ears? That fire department – us or others – works great for fires, but not for lasting, inspired, intentional human change.
How to Build ADHD Self-Awareness
So, how do we build awareness around the decisions we make, especially when they seem to happen reflexively in the background? Bring to the fore in detail an understanding of what happens at the precise moment when we make these decisions. What is the setting? What are we doing? What else is going on? What do we choose to do instead? When will this most likely happen again?
These are the kinds of things we talk about in ADHD coaching, but none of us live in a coaching call forever. These are the tricks and skills we can learn and develop. Learning to become aware might involve visualizing, talking it over with someone or with ourselves, and then asking curious questions about how to put into place support systems to help us pivot and make optimal decisions. The support options are plentiful. It all rests first on building awareness around how ADHD shows up in us.
Then it’s practicing and tweaking so there are fewer, less intense fires — or maybe no flames at all.
How to Be More Self-Aware with ADHD: Next Steps
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A few years ago, I was sitting in an office at Velcro International. They needed a creative ad that would persuade their customers to stop calling their product Velcro.
Yes, you read that right.
I learned the product they sell is actually called Hook and Loop, not Velcro. If people kept calling their product Velcro, they could potentially lose their trademark. So they needed to reach millions of people with this habit-breaking message.
After dropping this bombshell, the executives talked for another 15 minutes about legal ramifications, but I was ZONED out. I know that’s a bad thing most of the time, but for my ADHD brain, it was amazing. My wandering went something like this.
Wait, how funny would it be to write an ad that begs people not to call Velcro “Velcro?”
This is a multi-billion-dollar company. We can’t have its lawyers in a stuffy office doing this ad.
This seems like a pretty ridiculous problem. What if we acted like it was a serious problem?
Oh my gosh, remember “We Are the World?” Everyone was so serious, you know, because it was about starvation in Africa. But what if we did an ad with that vibe, but about something that is clearly a first-world problem?
These lawyers could be making fun of themselves. They could be aware that this is, in fact, a ridiculous thing to ask people!
Ooooh, we could use real lawyers!
Oh boy, here come the lyrics….
It was like a brainstorm session inside my own head.
I am very lucky to have co-workers who have seen this happen to me. They explained to the nice lawyers that I had something cooking, so it didn’t seem rude.
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Before I got back to my office, the song was already written in my head. Here’s the final product. (Parental alert: There are some bleeped-out potty words so watch before showing your kids!)
It went viral and got tens of millions of views worldwide.
Still, I know you are probably thinking, “C’mon, Penn. Are you telling me that SPACING OUT sparked the flame of this very good thing?”
Yes, I am. Allow me to explain.
My favorite ADHD doctors are the ones who use creative metaphors to teach me more about my brain. It helps me truly “see” my ADHD. It’s also a fantastic way to explain ADHD to kids.
The Velvet Rope Metaphor
One of my favorite metaphors comes from Dr. Marcy Caldwell of ADDept.org. She was helping me understand how my brain works compared to the neurotypical brain. According to Dr. Caldwell, the neurotypical brain is like a VIP Club with a velvet rope and a bouncer. The bouncer does a great job making sure only elites gain access to the club, while carefully keeping out “less important” partygoers who don’t have a pass. The inside of the club is orderly, a little quieter, and much less cluttered.
The ADHD brain? Well, that is more like Coachella, and everyone gets in! There are countless different sights and noises. Laser lights and fog machines. You can feel the wind and the weather. Sometimes it rains. There are conversations all over the place. You can see, hear, and feel it all; your attention is pulled in countless directions.
Our ADHD brains can eventually learn to put up a velvet rope and a bouncer, but it’s not our default mode; it takes real work.
VIP Club vs Outdoor Festival
When it comes to trying to make breakfast, complete a job, or get through school, the VIP club sounds much better, right? That’s the battle we ADHDers fight every day; we try to get our brains out of the open air and into a room with more order.
But…. and it is a pretty big but… (it’s okay if you just laughed reading “pretty big but”) that Outdoor Festival is the perfect breeding ground for one of the most important qualities a human being can ever have: CREATIVITY.
When your brain feels, sees, and smells everything, it is more likely than the neurotypical brain to notice something no one has ever noticed before. It is more likely to go down a rabbit hole and discover a new path. It’s more likely to see something in a way no one has ever seen it.
Biographers speculated that Thomas Edison, one of the greatest creators of all time, had ADHD. Possibilities came to his Open-Air Brain and he was able to harness them by giving us light (yes, literally invented the lightbulb), sound (invented the phonograph), and sight (yep, the camera too!) He struggled just like we do.
According to thomasedison.com; At age seven – after spending 12 weeks in a noisy one-room schoolhouse with 38 other students of all ages – Tom’s overworked and short-tempered teacher finally lost his patience with the child’s persistent questioning and seemingly self-centered behavior.
Sound familiar? Yeah, schools are mostly VIP Clubs, not Outdoor Festivals or Open-Air Concerts. You may not be Thomas Edison yet, but that same creativity lives within you.
My Open-Air Brain
My Open-Air Brain finds creativity through music. I studied music theory at a very early age, to the point that it became a second language for me.
I stopped learning after two years because my Open-Air Brain was much less interested in being Rachmaninoff and more interested in the brand-new notes, chords, and lyrics popping up in my head. I wasn’t writing Shakespeare; just lines documenting the countless things going on in my world, and in my family. Now just about everything I experience plays like a song in my head.
In the case of the Velcro ad, that Open-Air Brain quickly gave me access to a catalog of every melodramatic music video I’ve ever heard, every lawyer stereotype I’ve ever had, and every funny meme about first-world problems I’ve ever shared. All those ideas were welcome to the party.
Of course, there are times that this is frustrating – it can be hard listening to someone if the story they are telling is turning into a song. I’ve had to do some really hard work to find a VIP bouncer when what a person is saying is important, and I care about that person and their feelings.
But when there’s nothing else going on, no work to do, and no conversations to have, my mind wanders back to that Open-Air Concert. It happens on walks, at night before bed, in the shower, and sometimes in the middle of the day when I have a minute to just sit and let it happen.
Your Open-Air Concert isn’t just a distraction; it could be the key to your success. Now, we don’t have an excuse to get lost in thought all the time; we need to be respectful of our parents, friends, and teachers, and do the best we can to hear what they have to say. But don’t ever discount those wonderfully bizarrely random thoughts coming into your head. Those thoughts are yours and yours alone, they are enormously creative, and believe it or not, they could change the world one day.
The Creative ADHD Brain: Next Steps
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