BEVERLY — A man who was serving a life sentence for a 1987 execution-style murder in Salem has been granted parole, despite the objections of the victim’s family and the Essex District Attorney’s office.
Charles “Chucky” Doucette, who pleaded guilty to the second-degree murder of Raymond Bufalino, was granted parole by the state parole board on May 13.
Doucette, who is now 64, shot Bufalino twice in the head as they were sitting in Bufalino’s car near Harmony Grove Cemetery on the Salem-Peabody line in 1987. He was also convicted of two violent home invasions while on bail awaiting trial, and was arrested when he was out on parole on two previous occasions.
In its unanimous decision, the parole board said Doucette “has demonstrated a level of rehabilitation that would make his release compatible with the welfare of society.”
In testimony before the parole board in March, Bufalino’s wife, Shauna O’Sullivan, pleaded with the board not to release Doucette.
“With his tendency for violence I fear that he will reoffend,” she said in a video of the hearing. “I would hate to hear of another person having to live through the anguish and emotional turmoil that I went through. I believe he made his choice all those years ago and that he should be held accountable for his crimes.”
O’Sullivan said her son was 9½ months old at the time his father was murdered.
“I’m not angry or bitter,” she told the board. “I’m past that now, some 38 years later.
“I feel I owe it to my husband’s memory to say something.”
Bufalino’s sister and brother also spoke against giving Doucette parole. In a statement read by a victim service advocate at the parole hearing, Suzanne Maynard and Anthony Bufalino called Doucette a “menace to society and a true threat to society.
“Look at what happened the first time he got paroled,” they said. “Nothing but trouble. So tell me, since being back in prison has he changed? I doubt it.”
Essex County Assistant District Attorney Kayla Burns also spoke against parole, saying Doucette has continued to minimize his culpability and deflect blame.
“He puts the blame on other people being in his life,” Burns said.
During the hearing, Doucette, who has lived in Beverly and Peabody, said he has changed in his years in prison thanks to counseling and programs on subjects such as domestic violence and anger management.
“I’ve always been bigger and stronger than most people. I always got my way through intimidation and being a total ass,” he told the parole board. “I’m not that person today. I have children. I have grandchildren. I have great-grandchildren. I don’t want them to make the mistakes I made. I want them to learn from the mistakes I made.”
Doucette’s mother and sister spoke in favor of his release. His sister, Kim Malick, said Doucette has remained close to her children, who are now in their 20s.
“He met my oldest daughter when she fit into the palm of his hand in prison,” Malik said. “I would love for him to have the opportunity to come home and see her.”
Doucette had been granted parole twice previously and was arrested both times — once on a rape charge that was later dropped, and another on a domestic assault charge of which he was acquitted — and sent back to prison.
In total, Doucette was serving seven life sentences for the murder, two counts of home invasion, two counts of armed robbery, and two counts of stealing by confining or putting a person in fear.
He was denied parole in his last three attempts before the board granted parole in May.
According to the board’s decision, Doucette has invested in his rehabilitation, including participating in domestic violence programs and counseling, and working and volunteering in the prison law library. “He has strong vocational skills and work ethic,” the board said.
Doucette has maintained stable relationships with his family and has been sober since 1990, according to the board.
He told the board he wanted to get his commercial driving license and move to Texas to be near his family.
Bufalino, of Salem, worked for Doucette’s father at a Salem gas station and was considering a lawsuit after getting injured while working. Doucette was also angry that Bufalino owed him money, according to the parole board’s statement of the case.
While seated together in Bufalino’s car, Doucette shot him once behind the right ear and once in the mouth. Bufalino’s body was found by his wife, who had gone to search for him. He was 30 years old.
At the hearing, Doucette apologized to Bufalino’s family. At one point he broke down crying when he said that his own daughter no longer talks to him.
“I know how bad it hurt me with my own daughter not being part of my life,” Doucette said. “I can’t put into words what I must have cost Ray’s family and his son especially.”
After gaining parole, Doucette was scheduled to be released to a long-term residential program. Conditions included a 10 p.m. curfew, electronic monitoring at the parole officer’s discretion, a substance abuse treatment plan, domestic violence counseling, counseling for intimate partner/co-dependence relations, and no contact with the victim’s family.
Staff Writer Paul Leighton can be reached at 978-338-2535, by email at pleighton@salemnews.com, or on Twitter at @heardinbeverly.
The father of Kim Porter spoke out about the video of her ex, Diddy, brutally abusing Cassie Ventura at a Los Angeles hotel back in 2016.
In an interview published with Rolling Stone on Friday, Jake Porter shared that, like so many of us, he was extremely “disgusted” by the shocking surveillance footage released last month that backed the allegations she made in a now-settled lawsuit. He told the outlet:
“You can say I was disgusted with the video, and I wouldn’t treat my enemy like that. It was despicable. I couldn’t believe it. I was in Vietnam, and I wouldn’t do that to my enemy.”
Although Jake never witnessed Diddy physically harming Kim before her sudden death from pneumonia in 2018, he now cannot help but “wonder” what she possibly experienced behind closed doors in light of the assault toward Cassie. Sadly, we’ve heard about the alleged abuse Kim suffered at the hands of Diddy in the wake of the video. The musician’s former bodyguard previously claimed he saw him attacking women “around for or five times,” including Kim and Cassie. Awful. Two sources claimed to Rolling Stone last month that Diddy physically abused Kim. Former Bad Boy rapper Mark Curry even told the outlet:
“I remember Kim used to go through a lot of stuff. If you live around them, you get to see the toxic relationship.… I think every relationship he had that I experienced around him was like that.”
Jeez. We cannot imagine how hard it must be for the father to have so many unanswered questions about what happened to Kim. One thing Jake does know, though, is that he has a “different outlook” on the rapper, who is being sued for similar claims of abuse, assault, and trafficking. The 78-year-old dad added:
“I didn’t know he could stoop that low. I imagine it surprised a lot of people. I wouldn’t even do a dog like that. My heart goes out to Cassie.”
According to Rolling Stone, Jake declined to answer many questions about the situation. However, he did mention that Kim genuinely loved Diddy. For those who don’t know, the model and the music mogul dated on and off from 1994 to 2007. Kim ended things with Diddy for good when she found out he fathered a secret child while she was pregnant with their twin daughters. While the actress loved Diddy during their relationship, her dad noted she “just couldn’t live with” the Bad Boy Records founder in the same house in the end:
“I think he was a very jealous person. They both loved each other. Kim’s love was legitimate. Puffy’s love, I don’t know what he calls love, you know what I mean? I really don’t think he has any idea what love is.”
Reactions, Perezcious readers? Let us know in the comments below.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, or go to https://www.thehotline.org/.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence and would like to learn more about resources, consider checking out https://www.rainn.org/resources.
A 25-year-old was arrested after he was accused of randomly attacking two men in California, officials said.
Getty Images/iStock photo
A 25-year-old was arrested after he was accused of randomly attacking two men, California police said.
A man walking down the street on May 4 was punched in the stomach by a man later identified as Nicholas Hosteter, according to a Facebook post by the City of Campbell Police Department.
The attacker fled the area, but the victim followed him, officers said.
The victim was able to take a picture of Hosteter, who “seemed to pause for the photo before continuing to flee,” police said.
On May 24, Campbell officers received a report of a 75-year-old man punched in the face while out on a walk, according to a Facebook post.
When the man and his family returned to the area to look for surveillance cameras, Hosteter tried to “fight the family before leaving,” police said.
On May 25, with the help of his parents, Hosteter was arrested and booked into the Santa Clara County Jail on two counts of elder abuse and one count of battery on an officer when he was accused of kicking an officer during his booking, police said.
Campbell is about a 50-mile drive southeast of San Francisco.
If you suspect an elder adult or an adult with disabilities has experienced, is currently experiencing, or is at risk of experiencing abuse, neglect, self-neglect, or financial exploitation, your first step should be to contact the appropriate agency.
A 5-month-old infant died days after he was taken to the hospital for severe brain injuries. The mother and two caretakers were charged, Texas cops said. Photo by Getty Images This is a stock image downloaded from Getty Images. It is a Royalty Free image.
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Getty Images/iStockphoto
A 5-month-old infant died days after arriving at a Texas hospital with severe brain injuries, according to news outlets. Three people are accused of causing the injuries, police said in a news release.
Hospital staff reported possible child abuse on May 8 when the child arrived, police said. He died five days later on May 13.
Kristal Morse, 22, and Casey Harbison, 23, were charged with aggravated assault and 43-year-old Tiffany Whalen was charged with injury to a child, Lubbock police said.Whalen is reportedly the child’s mother, according to local news outlets.
Morse and Harbison initially said the child was not injured on purpose, according to court documents, but then they both told police they had punched the child while Whalen was in the room, KCBD reported.
Harbison also told police he had suffocated the child with a blanket saying, “It was an accident,” according to an affidavit obtained by the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal. “I never wanted to hurt him. There will be no next time regardless.”
Both Morse and Harbison had been living with Whalen because they fled Washington state after they were investigated by Child Protective Services for neglecting a child, according to KCBD.
The case is still under investigation and additional charges are possible, according to police.
Kate Linderman covers real-time news for McClatchy. Previously, she was an audience editor at the Chicago Tribune and a freelance reporter. Kate is a graduate of DePaul University where she studied journalism and legal and public affairs communication.
At first this might seem like a man sharing the worst news he could have gotten with his community. But every new detail makes this story so much sketchier…
John-Paul Miller is a pastor at the Solid Rock Church in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. He shocked his flock last Sunday, April 28 by announcing the death of his estranged second wife, Mica Miller. He said, apparently pretty matter-of-factly:
“I got a call late last night, my wife has passed away. It was self-induced and it was up in North Carolina.”
He then gave everyone details about her memorial service and told them not to talk about the announcement anymore within the church. Weird. Also weird? He was exceptionally quick to label his ex’s shockingly sudden death a suicide. He even added that “she wasn’t well mentally”:
“Y’all pray for me and my kids and everybody. You all knew she wasn’t well mentally and she needed medicine that was hard to get to her. I’m sure there will be more details to come, but keep her family in your prayers.”
Unlike all his other sermons, this one isn’t available to watch on the Solid Rock YouTube page anymore — but it’s the internet, and someone got a copy anyway. See for yourself (below):
He also spoke to local outlet WPDE, telling them the same — just really talking surprisingly candidly about her suicide, and her past struggles with it:
“She had struggled with suicide before. Each time we would help her through it and take her to the doctor, and we got through it and everything was fine. She even gave a few testimonies here at church that we have on video. She battled suicide but God took care of her and got her through it.”
He also told the outlet:
“She was probably the greatest wife anyone could ask for. She was incredibly affirming. We spent every night together for hours just talking and talking and talking.”
Awful news… except… Right now the public only has his word this was a suicide. Robeson County Sheriff’s Office Major Damien McLean would only tell the local ABC affiliate that there was an investigation into the death of the 30-year-old, saying:
“Officers are in the process of gathering information from people in South and North Carolina as part of their investigation into how Miller died.”
Local NC outlet The Robesonian was the first to report any actual details of Mica’s April 27 death, saying she was found with a gunshot wound to the head at Lumber River State Park in Lumberton (about an hour and a half north of Myrtle Beach). But they’ve since taken down their article! Everyone else was citing them for those deets. Why did they take that down? Did the cops tell them it’s too soon?
Meanwhile here you have this Pastor just telling anyone who will listen how his wife definitely died by suicide. If police weren’t sure yet, wouldn’t you think a spouse would want to wait and be 100% sure, too?? Why would a husband be so forthcoming about such a personal matter anyway? Seems a little odd, right?
Odder still? In all his talk about spending every night together talking with Mica, he didn’t mention she’d filed for divorce from him just weeks earlier. Yeah. Clearly their marriage was not as lovey-dovey as he makes out. And she has zero photos of him left on her Facebook, apparently having deleted everything before March. And yet he was the one who wrote her obituary. An obituary with lines about what a good wife she was to him:
“She truly served Jesus and her husband with all of her heart. She would praise her husband after every church service telling him he was the best preacher in the world (even if it wasn’t true). She also told him he was the funniest preacher in the world (even though that wasn’t true either).”
Man, this guy really made her obit all about himself. Ugh. This all just seems so sus to us! No wonder her loved ones are asking for a full investigation! Her friend Kenn Young told WPDE:
“This has to be at least looked into deeply. There’s got to be some accountability here.”
He made a point of saying “it’s not just as simple as mental health issues.” So what the heck is he talking about??
Well, Mica herself started referring to “abuse” in posts made shortly before her death. In fact, there are ONLY posts from shortly before her death. As mentioned, she seems to have wiped everything before mid-March! But around that time she posted a video in which she talks about “going through abuse and hurt.” She also talks about “leaving a dangerous situation”:
See that hashtag? #AbuseAwareness? Something was going on! She also posted just three weeks before her death:
“When terrible terrible TERRIBLE things happen to you… (yall know what I’m talking about 😉 RPF: resting peace face #stillblessed #Godisgood”
She wrote that she was “still blessed”? And at peace? Hmm.
(c) Mica Miller/Facebook
And in her own post announcing Mica’s death, her sister made sure to mention she “did not deserve the abuse she endured.” Whoa.
That leads us to what we’ve seen on social media that we can’t verify. We’ve seen several women claiming to be former members of the Solid Rock church and friends of Mica personally who are accusing her ex — the pastor — of grooming, of stalking, of physical and mental abuse. We can’t verify any of it, obviously, but it’s shocking stuff. And if we were the cops investigating the case, we definitely would be reaching out to talk to these people. Read for yourself HERE and HERE and HERE if you want to dig deeper. But remember to keep a healthy sense of skepticism as these allegations have not been vetted.
We just hope the truth is found — and Mica gets all the justice she deserves.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, help is available. Consider contacting the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, by calling, texting, or chatting, or go to 988lifeline.org.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, or go to https://www.thehotline.org/.
It’s impossible to know how many lives Gail Abarbanel has saved.
For decades, she has been singularly devoted to changing the way the world perceives and speaks about rape, and to helping victims of all ages heal from the trauma of sexual assault.
Opinion Columnist
Robin Abcarian
After 50 years as director of the Rape Treatment Center at UCLA Santa Monica Medical Center, she recently stepped down. She’s not retiring, she insisted to me recently when we met for lunch in Santa Monica, she’s just forging a new path.
I met Abarbanel 30 years ago, when she invited me to attend one of the center’s annual fundraising brunches at Ron Burkle’s lavish Greenacres estate in Beverly Hills. These were celebrity-studded events, often hosted by the casts of popular TV shows like “Friends” or “ER” or “Mad Men.”
But the afternoon’s stars were always the rape victims who would share their stories with the hushed crowd. (And yes, Abarbanel uses the word “victim” not “survivor.” “They are victims,” she says.)
In 1994, the young woman who told her terrible story was the 24-year-old granddaughter of a famous movie producer. She grew up in Beverly Hills, not far from Greenacres. When she was 12, her father fired the family nanny and began raping her at night. He told her they had been lovers in a previous life. By the end of high school, after she had gathered the courage to leave home and reveal the abuse, she found solace at Stuart House, the Rape Treatment Center’s extraordinary refuge for children who have been sexually abused. Her father went to prison; she grew up to be a household name.
“There is nothing more powerful than hearing the victim tell their experience,” Abarbanel told me.
::
A Los Angeles native, Abarbanel began her career as a social worker in Santa Monica. She had no particular interest in rape victims, but in the early 1970s, she was asked to see a young woman who had been hospitalized after a suicide attempt. Less than a week earlier, it turned out, the young woman had been raped by a stranger on the beach.
“I was just so moved when I uncovered the rape,” Abarbanel told me. “And that was the beginning.” She soon realized how poorly rape victims were treated — by police, prosecutors, defense attorneys, judges and doctors and nurses — and how little was understood about their trauma, which was often invisible.
Emergency rooms could be a nightmare. “There were no protocols for collecting evidence, no sensitivity,” Abarbanel said. “Nurses would come out into the waiting room and say, ‘Where’s the rape?’ ”
The legal system was stacked against victims. An alleged rapist would be charged only if a victim had demonstrated physical resistance “to the utmost,” as the law puts it. If a victim hadn’t fought back and gotten injured, she couldn’t credibly claim she was raped.
In court, victims were shamed and treated as if they were on trial; their sexual histories and the way they dressed could be used against them. If a case ever made it to a jury, judges were required to instruct that “rape is a charge that is easily made and hard to defend against so examine the testimony of this witness with caution.”
That has all changed in the 50 years since Abarbanel founded the Rape Treatment Center in 1974, and largely because of her work.
Her great innovation, much copied now, was the creation of a 24/7 one-stop shop for victims, with medical personnel, therapists and detectives and prosecutors coordinating under one roof. The idea was to empower victims, to make them feel safe and heard and supported.
In 1986, Abarbanel and attorney Aileen Adams, the first counsel for the Rape Treatment Center, created Stuart House. Before that, the treatment of child victims, even more so than adults, was egregious. Kids who disclosed abuse were ferried around to five or six different agencies, interviewed and re-interviewed by a succession of adult strangers. There was a lack of specialized forensic care, and very little specialized therapy. At Stuart House, children receive specialized pediatric forensic exams and extensive medical and therapeutic support. And they have to tell their stories only once.
::
In 1977, Abarbanel received a call from a man she’d never heard of. His name was Norman Lear, and he wanted to hire her as a consultant for a special episode of his hit TV series “All in the Family.”
“If you could talk to 40 million people about rape,” Lear asked Abarbanel, “what would you want to say?”
First and foremost, she told him, she wanted people to stop blaming victims.
That two-part episode, “Edith’s 50th Birthday,” was a seminal moment in the portrayal of rape on TV. Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales called it “shattering” and “brilliant.”
It also marked the start of an important alliance between the Rape Treatment Center and Hollywood. Abarbanel consulted on shows like “Lou Grant,” “Hill Street Blues, “Cagney & Lacey,” “L.A. Law” and “Grey’s Anatomy,” all of which helped nudge the culture away from victim blaming toward a more compassionate view of the trauma of rape.
Working with Hollywood was fun, said Abarbanel, who is petite, soft spoken and publicity shy, “but I always wanted to get back to work.”
Lear, who died last year, joined the center’s first board and frequently hosted its annual fundraising brunch.
When Abarbanel needed to raise money to get the Rape Treatment Center going, women who worked for Lear — many of whom had their own experience with rape — put her in touch with the prolific fundraiser Sandra Moss, who was married to A&M Records co-founder Jerry Moss.
At a luncheon organized by Moss at Mr. Chow’s in Beverly Hills, Abarbanel remembers being approached by Ruth Berle, Milton’s wife. “Honey,” Berle told her, “If you want to get money, you have to get the men.”
Moss made sure, when she hosted the first fundraiser for the center in her home, that the living room was full of important Hollywood men. “Norman had sent them all telegrams,” Abarbanel said. “Telegrams!”
At one of the fundraising brunches, the legendary producer Sherry Lansing was so inspired, she stood up and announced, “I’m going to do something!” And so she did; in 1988, she produced “The Accused,” a commercial and critical success. Its star, Jodie Foster, won her first best actress Oscar for portraying a woman gang-raped in a rowdy bar.
It’s impossible in this space to list all the Rape Treatment Center’s firsts. It has been responsible for changing laws, changing how we think, for educating hospitals, police departments, college presidents, school principals and athletic coaches about rape and rape prevention.
“I feel really good about what I’ve done,” Abarbanel told me. “I really do.”
She should. After all, she’s accomplished the rare feat of actually making the world a better place.
Atlantic City Mayor Marty Small Sr. is charged in connection with abusing his teenage daughter, according to the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office in New Jersey.
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The mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey, is accused of beating and emotionally abusing his teenage daughter on multiple occasions, according to officials who said he also made “terroristic threats” toward her.
Mayor Marty Small Sr.’s wife La’Quetta Small, the city’s school district superintendent, is also accused of abuse. They’re both facing charges stemming from incidents involving their daughter throughout December and January, when she was 15 and 16, the Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office announced in an April 15 news release.
Small’s attorney, Ed Jacobs, didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment from McClatchy News on April 15. Information regarding his wife’s legal representation wasn’t immediately available.
During one incident of physical abuse, Small repeatedly hit his teenage daughter in the head with a broom, and she lost consciousness, the prosecutor’s office said. In another incident, he’s accused of punching her legs, leaving bruises.
In an argument with his daughter, Small also made violent threats, according to the prosecutor’s office.
He “continuously threatened to hurt her by ‘earth slamming’ her down the stairs, grabbing her head and throwing her to the ground, and smacking the weave out of her head,” the news release said.
La’Quetta Small is accused of physically abusing her daughter, leaving visible injuries, on three separate occasions, according to the prosecutor’s office.
She repeatedly punched her daughter in the chest, causing bruises, “dragged her daughter by her hair then struck her with a belt on her shoulders leaving marks,” and also punched the teen in the mouth, the prosecutor’s office said.
Atlantic City Public Schools, the district La’Quetta Small oversees as superintendent, didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment from McClatchy News on April 15.
Atlantic City spokesman Andrew Kramer declined to provide a comment to McClatchy News.
Small and his wife are both charged with second-degree endangering the welfare of a child, according to the release.
Small is separately charged with third-degree terroristic threats, third-degree aggravated assault and disorderly persons simple assault, the prosecutor’s office said. La’Quetta Small is separately charged with three counts of disorderly persons simple assault, according to officials.
Mayor previously denied ‘rumors’ of abuse
The charges against Small and his wife come after authorities executed search warrants at their residence on March 28, the Press of Atlantic City reported. At the time, Jacobs declined to comment on why authorities were at the home, according to the newspaper.
At an April 1 news conference, Small commented on “rumors” about the search, which he said was personal and related to his family, WPVI-TV reported.
He denied being involved in corruption, and shot down rumors that his daughter was pregnant and that he and his wife beat her, according to the TV station.
“The other rumor is, that they said came from an Atlantic City police officer, that said my daughter got knocked up by a drug dealer in Stanley Holmes village, that my wife beat the bleep out of her while my son recorded the whole thing, and I just stood there. False,” Smalls said, WPVI-TV reported.
“The most egregious rumor today is that my daughter was pregnant with twins. And I beat the (expletive) out of her so bad that I killed the babies. And I’m going to be charged with double, double murder,” he added. “And the other one, during the raid, that they were looking for evidence of a miscarriage in my home.”
The Atlantic County Prosecutor’s Office’s Special Victims Unit investigated Small and his wife in connection with their daughter, according to the office’s release.
“The charges were placed on summonses for both defendants,” the office said.
Julia Marnin is a McClatchy National Real-Time reporter covering the southeast and northeast while based in New York. She’s an alumna of The College of New Jersey and joined McClatchy in 2021. Previously, she’s written for Newsweek, Modern Luxury, Gannett and more.
The parents of an elementary school student say they found bruises covering their daughter’s arms when she came home from school crying in early October. As she showed her father, he also saw “finger marks” and scratches, according to a new lawsuit.
“They hurt me,” Paisley Dohse told her parents, explaining she had been held down, according to the lawsuit filed April 2 in federal court in Houston, Texas.
Kimberly Pittard and Christopher Dohse said they believe the bruises they noticed Oct. 6, and again on Oct. 13 — when their daughter also had deep scratches resulting in scabs — came from staff at Oakland Elementary School in Fort Bend County.
“What really upsets me more so than anything is that we asked about the bruises numerous times,” Pittard told McClatchy News. “We were always shifted that it was not the time or place to talk about when that happened, where that happened, that they investigated it and looked into it and found nothing wrong.”
Pittard and Dohse, her husband, are represented by attorney Martin Jay Cirkiel of Cirkiel Law Group, which provided photos to McClatchy News showing bruises and scratches on Paisley.
Throughout the fall 2023 semester, the lawsuit says staff “unnecessarily physically restrained” Paisley, who was 7 years old and diagnosed with autism, a speech impairment, anxiety and “related behavioral issues.”
Describing methods that “bordered on torture,” the suit says staff held a pillow over Paisley’s face, forced her to lie on the floor with her hands behind her back and made her stay still inside a square on the floor and punished her if she didn’t.
She once was locked in a storage closet as punishment, according to the lawsuit, which says school district staff had also locked her inside a police car to “scare the child straight.”
Around the time, Paisley was having “increased emotional reactions and worsening behavioral reactions” due to bullying from fellow classmates, resulting in staff increasingly restraining her, the lawsuit says. On one occasion, a classmate had punched Paisley, according to Pittard.
Though the school had created a behavioral plan for Paisley, staff never addressed the bullying, and instead hurt her while restraining her, according to the lawsuit.
Pittard and Dohse are suing the Fort Bend Independent School District on multiple causes of action, including for violations of their daughter’s constitutional rights and violating the Americans with Disabilities Act. The Fort Bend ISD, however, said in a statement to McClatchy News that “the allegations made were found to be unsubstantiated.”
Pittard, who is a contracted social worker, told McClatchy News she has high-functioning autism and anxiety and recalled her own struggles growing up.
“When I saw my daughter coming home feeling lower than I felt, I was at a loss for words … I said I don’t care what amount of money it costs to fight for our daughter, we need to fight to lobby for change,” Pittard said.
Paisley and her parents. Cirkiel Law Group
School district’s response
The Fort Bend ISD told McClatchy News in a statement that privacy laws limit the district’s ability to disclose “important details.”
“In instances like this, the school district wishes to share details that would provide clarity, but unfortunately, we cannot,” the district said. “Please know we investigated allegations in this case fully and impartially.”
The Fort Bend ISD Police Department and the district’s human resources teams reviewed “video footage and evidence, statements from all pertinent staff members, date and time verifications plus other ascertainable information,” according to the district.
Along with not being able to verify any of the accusations, the district said, “an investigation by Child Protective Services also ruled out any findings of abuse or neglect by district staff.”
Texas Department of Family and Protective Services spokesperson Melissa Lanford confirmed to McClatchy News that CPS “thoroughly investigated the family’s allegations.”
The department “cannot discuss specific details of investigations” because of confidentiality laws, Lanford said.
“At the conclusion of our investigation, CPS sent letters of our findings to the parents and Oakland Elementary school,” Lanford said.
McClatchy News has not viewed the letter as of April 5 after requesting a copy of it from Pittard and Dohse’s legal counsel on April 4.
‘Don’t let them kill me’
Pittard and Dohse have since pulled Paisley out of school and the district is providing her with “Home School Services,” according to the lawsuit.
Whenever the family drives past the school with Paisley in the car, she is terrified, the suit says.
“Please don’t let them hurt me mom please don’t let them hurt me,” Paisley has said, according to the lawsuit.
Now she occasionally has nightmares, Pittard told McClatchy News.
“I have a little girl who used to sleep in her bed that won’t leave our bedroom,” Pittard said.
She said Paisley wakes up in the middle of the night, saying “please don’t let them hurt me, don’t let them kill me.”
Pittard is unable to enroll Paisley in another school until the lawsuit is resolved, she explained.
She said the school’s director of special education once suggested Paisley be transferred to an alternative school in a Behavior Support Services setting.
“We said, no, we’re not being forced to move our child,” Pittard said.
The lawsuit seeks an unspecified amount in damages, including for “loss of equal access to educational opportunities,” physical pain, medical expenses, mental anguish and more.
Pittard said Paisley, who is very smart and loves to help others, has one specific wish.
“Mommy,” she recalls her saying, “I don’t want anybody to feel like this.”
Paisley and her parents. Cirkiel Law Group
Julia Marnin is a McClatchy National Real-Time reporter covering the southeast and northeast while based in New York. She’s an alumna of The College of New Jersey and joined McClatchy in 2021. Previously, she’s written for Newsweek, Modern Luxury, Gannett and more.
The criminal case against a Long Island nurse who appeared to slam a newborn baby’s face down in an intensive care unit bassinet was dropped on Monday following a yearlong saga.
Amanda Burke was charged last year with endangering the welfare of a child at Good Samaritan Hospital in West Islip.
Burke was working in the NICU in Feb. 2023 when video taken by the baby’s father through the nursery window captured the alleged acts. The child’s parents showed the hospital and confronted the nurse, and spoke with NBC New York.
“I told her ‘I don’t want you to touch my child you just slammed him,’” said Consuelo Saravia, the mother, “And she told me ‘Oh no, if you think I mishandled him or anything, I’m sorry.’”
Burke was fired, but an investigation by state officials found her actions did “not constitute professional misconduct,” saying that the conduct involved “alleged simple negligence,” not “gross negligence.”
Initially after the conclusion of that investigation, the Suffolk County District Attorney’s Office said they planned to continue to prosecute the case — until now.
On Monday, as the trial against Burke was scheduled to begin, the charges were dropped after the district attorney reportedly said there wasn’t enough to prosecute the case.
Robert Gottlieb, Burke’s attorney, called the ordeal “disgusting,” and railed against the district attorney’s office for letting the charges stand for a year.
Burke said she is grateful and relieved to get back to her life and looks forward to putting the situation behind her.
It’s unclear if Burke is currently employed, but state officials determined that she could keep her nursing license.
The baby’s parents did not comment on the latest developments.
In the intricate maze of human emotions, the pervasive question of one’s lovability can cast a profound shadow on personal well-being. The contemplation “Am I unlovable?” echoes through the hearts of many, reflecting a complex interplay of internal struggles and external influences.
This article delves into the depths of this emotional labyrinth, exploring nine common reasons behind the haunting sensation of being unlovable. From the intricacies of self-esteem and past traumas to the impact of societal expectations and mental health, each facet contributes to the intricate mosaic of our self-perception. By unraveling these threads, we aim to illuminate the pathways toward self-discovery and healing, fostering a compassionate understanding of the factors that may cloud our sense of worthiness in the realm of love and connection.
According to Harley Therapy, feeling unlovable might ‘sound’ like it’s not a big deal. But it is a very serious matter. It can be a contributing cause for many other psychological conditions and is sadly a leading cause of suicide.
We asked our expert counselor Nandita Rambhia (M.Sc. in Psychology) to help us understand why some people have the fear of being unlovable and how to cope with being unloved. Read on to find out what she has to say about the matter and join us on a journey of introspection, as we navigate the nuanced landscape of human emotions and unravel the mystery behind the question, “Why am I unlovable?”
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Why Do You Feel Unloved? 9 Reasons
You might ask yourself, “What makes a person unlovable?” Well, absolutely nothing. Everyone is lovable, and feeling like you aren’t can be a result of some deeper issue. Is it possible to be unlovable? Nandita says, “I don’t think it is possible for any person to be unlovable. It is about your own perspective.” And yet, you can’t shake off the thought, “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone.” It’s time to delve deeper and investigate where this “I feel unloved” feeling is stemming from.
Feeling unlovable can stem from various factors, and it’s important to recognize that these feelings are complex and subjective. But why is feeling loved even important? Feeling loved is an essential element of the human experience, influencing our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Embracing love provides a deep sense of emotional safety and support, acting as a powerful antidote to the stresses and challenges of life.
A study demonstrated that a sense of love and security “calms jittery neurons.” In the study, female subjects were scanned through an MRI scanner while being administered a slight shock to their ankles. The females left alone in the scanner felt the shock and the pain. On the other hand, the females holding the hand of the lab technician felt the shock but much less pain. Likewise, the females holding the hands of their loving husbands felt the shock but no pain.
Due to a number of reasons, some people might develop certain mental schemas (patterns of thought) that lead them to believe that they are unlovable and that no one will ever want them, or that they aren’t enough, resulting in the “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone” feeling. We are here to tell you why this happens and how to cope with this feeling. Below are some causes a person might be feeling unlovable in a relationship or in their day-to-day lives.
1. Low self-esteem
“Low self-esteem can be a potent catalyst for feeling unlovable, and one of the most common causes for someone feeling unlovable, creating pervasive personal beliefs that one is inherently unworthy of affection,” says Nandita. When individuals harbor a negative perception of themselves, it distorts their perception of how others perceive them and they begin to see signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship.
Morris Rosenberg and Timothy Owens, in their book Low Self-Esteem People: A Collective Portrait, say that people with low self-esteem tend to be hypersensitive. They have a fragile sense of self that can easily be wounded by others. Furthermore, people with low self-esteem are “hypervigilant and hyper-alert to signs of rejection, inadequacy, and rebuff.” Here’s how people with low self-esteem tend to feel unlovable:
They may struggle to accept love or convince themselves that they don’t deserve love
Their self-doubt can lead to a pattern of self-sabotage in relationships, as they may find it challenging to believe in their own worthiness of love and acceptance
They have trouble loving themselves and tend to discount the positives. This means that they only focus on the negatives in their lives and disregard the positive experiences
Breaking this cycle often involves addressing and rebuilding self-esteem through self-reflection, positive affirmations, and supportive connections
Unrealistic expectations create unattainable standards for oneself and others. When people set excessively high expectations in relationships or for themselves, they set themselves up for failure. Any perceived failure to meet these unrealistic standards can lead to self-criticism and a belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unlovable. As a result, a person may start questioning, “Am I loved?”, which further dents their sense of self-esteem.
The gap between reality and such lofty expectations becomes a breeding ground for feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, undermining one’s confidence. This makes it difficult for people to feel accepted or believe that others could genuinely value them. They perceive even the slightest departure from their expectations as signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship. Addressing this often involves reevaluating expectations and adjusting them to be more realistic and of achievable levels, fostering self-compassion, and embracing the imperfections that make each person uniquely lovable.
3. Past experiences
Negative past experiences, such as rejection, abandonment, or traumatic events, can contribute to feelings of being unlovable. These experiences can create emotional scars that affect one’s perception of themselves and their ability to be loved, leading a person to believe that the “I feel unloved and unwanted by everyone” feeling they are struggling with is a fact. Here are some examples that might help you understand this better.
After numerous job rejections, my neighbor Mark began questioning his competence, feeling unlovable as he struggled to separate professional setbacks from his personal worth
A friend of mine, Emily, has a similar situation. Her parents divorced when she was young. This left her with a lingering sense of abandonment that fueled insecurities and made forming deep connections challenging for her. This fostered feelings of being unlovable
My friend, Sarah, who experienced a painful breakup marked by betrayal, developed trust issues, and found it difficult to open up in subsequent relationships, attributing the trauma to her sense of being fundamentally unlovable
Linda Graham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains in her blog how past experiences can make us feel unlovable. She says that repeated experiences of reaching out and encountering pain can lead the amygdala, our fear and emotional center, to encode a memory linking yearning with anticipation of hurt, time and again, creating an unconscious loop, reinforcing a neural pattern. The brain, accustomed to this repetition, establishes a rigid neural connection, akin to a self-reinforcing loop or neural cement.
Constantly comparing oneself to others, especially in terms of physical appearance, achievements, or relationships, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unlovability. The habit of comparing yourself to others often stems from societal standards and unrealistic ideals.
Comparing your life with the lives you see online can cause an intense feeling of internalized unlovability.
As individuals internalize these comparisons, they may start to believe that their unique qualities are insufficient, breeding a deep-seated conviction of being unlovable. Breaking free from this cycle involves practicing self-compassion, recognizing individual strengths, and embracing a more authentic and self-affirming perspective, independent of external comparisons.
5. Lack of positive reinforcement
A lack of positive reinforcement can profoundly impact an individual’s sense of self-worth and contribute to feelings of being unlovable. Here’s how positive reinforcement works:
Positive reinforcement, which includes affirmations, encouragement, and expressions of love, plays a crucial role in shaping a person’s self-perception
Without these affirming experiences, individuals may struggle to internalize a positive self-image
The absence of positive reinforcement, especially during the formative years, can lead to childhood trauma and persistent core beliefs that one is unworthy of love and acceptance
Distant parents who constantly criticize and rarely praise can lead the child to develop deeply ingrained belief that they are unworthy of love. Such people can go through their entire adult life wondering, “Am I loved?”
Nandita says, “If an authority figure (parent, teacher, guardian, relative) has constantly been critical of a person, especially during their early childhood, or gaslit them into feeling inferior to others, it would most definitely lead to low morale.” Over time, this deficiency in positive external validation and emotional abuse may contribute to low self-esteem, making it challenging for individuals to believe in their lovability. They may start believing that they don’t deserve positive relationships.
Addressing these feelings often involves building self-esteem through positive affirmations, seeking supportive connections, and opting for professional counseling. Growing up in an environment where love and positive reinforcement have been scarce can impact a person’s self-worth and their belief in their own lovability.
Mental health issues contribute to feelings of unlovability by distorting self-perception, fostering negative thoughts, and influencing social interactions. Here’s how:
Someone who is mentally unwell or suffers from conditions such as depression and anxiety can start believing in inherent flaws or unworthiness
Social withdrawal, fear of rejection, and difficulties in emotional regulation or emotional abuse further add to the struggle, limiting positive interpersonal experiences
The impact of mental illness on relationships, coupled with low energy and motivation, can reinforce a sense of isolation (loneliness) and unlovability
The interplay between mental health and feelings of unlovability often involves a cyclical pattern. Breaking this cycle requires a holistic approach, including therapy, medication, and self-care practices, aimed at cultivating self-compassion, building a support network, and fostering healthier connections. Recognizing that mental health struggles do not define one’s capacity for love and connection is a crucial step in the journey toward healing and a more positive self-perception.
7. Fear of vulnerability
Sometimes the fear of being unlovable or feeling unloved in a relationship stems from the fear of being vulnerable and opening up to the possibility of rejection. This fear can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where people isolate themselves emotionally. Fear of vulnerability in a relationship can lead a person towards loneliness, because of self-isolation. A study shows:
Loneliness can lead to personality disorders (such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.) and psychoses, suicide, impaired cognitive performance and cognitive decline over time, increased risk of Alzheimer’s Disease, diminished executive control, and depressive symptoms
Loneliness also increases perceived stress, fear of negative evaluation, anxiety, and anger, while it diminishes optimism and self-esteem
The study thus suggests that a perceived sense of social connectedness serves as a scaffold for the self. Damage the scaffold and the rest of the self begins to crumble.
8. Unhealthy attachment styles
Unhealthy attachment styles can contribute to a profound sense of unlovability through various mechanisms. Here’s how:
Those with anxious attachment may fear abandonment, seeking constant reassurance and forming emotional dependencies that reinforce the personal belief that they are unlovable without continual external validation
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with intimacy, fostering emotional distance and a perception of being incapable of sustaining meaningful connections
Disorganized attachment patterns, marked by inconsistent behavior, can create confusion and emotional turmoil, making a person feel unworthy. But what causes these unhealthy patterns? “When a person’s first attachment experience is being unloved, this can create difficulty in closeness and intimacy, creating continuous feelings of anxiety and avoidance of creating deep meaningful relationships as an adult,” says Nancy Paloma Collins, LMFT.
Unhealthy attachments often lead to self-fulfilling prophecies and heighten attachment issues, which a person may interpret as signs of feeling unwanted in a relationship. Behaviors driven by insecurities can strain relationships, reinforcing the belief of being unlovable. Therapy plays a crucial role in addressing and transforming these patterns, fostering self-awareness, establishing secure attachments, and cultivating a more positive self-perception.
9. Cultural and societal influences
Cultural and societal influences can significantly contribute to feelings of unlovability by imposing unrealistic standards and expectations. Dominant cultural narratives often dictate norms related to beauty, success, and interpersonal relationships, creating a framework that may be unattainable for some individuals.
Those who deviate from these prescribed ideals may internalize a sense of inadequacy, believing that they fall short of societal benchmarks for love and acceptance. Discrimination, stereotyping, or exclusion based on cultural differences or gender can worsen these feelings, fostering a belief that one is unlovable due to societal biases.
A study shows that self-esteem can be best gained from identities that fulfill the values of the surrounding culture. For example:
Participants in cultural contexts where people emphasized values such as self-direction and having a stimulating life (e.g., the UK, Western Europe, and some parts of South America) were more likely to derive self-esteem from controlling their own lives
Those in cultures where there was relatively more emphasis on values such as conformity, tradition, and security (e.g., parts of the Middle East, Africa, and Asia) were relatively more likely to derive self-esteem from doing their duty
Overcoming these challenges involves challenging societal norms, embracing diversity, and fostering a sense of self-worth independent of external cultural expectations. Seeking support from communities that promote inclusivity and understanding can also be crucial in combating the impact of cultural or societal influences on feelings of unlovability.
It is important to note that these reasons are interconnected, and an individual may experience a combination of these factors. Nandita suggests that a person should choose to love themselves. “It is about your perception of yourself, rather than society’s outlook on you,” she says.
The causes of feeling unlovable — or feeling unloved in a relationship — are multifaceted, intertwining psychological, emotional, and societal elements. Exploring these factors in therapy, practicing self-compassion, and challenging negative perceptions are essential steps toward breaking the cycle and fostering a healthier, more positive perception of oneself in the context of love and acceptance. In the next section, we will look at a few ways to cope with feeling unlovable.
How To Cope With Feeling Unloved?
If you find yourself asking questions like “Why do I not feel worthy of love?” or “What makes a person unlovable?” or Why do I keep feeling unloved in a relationship?”, it could be due to some of the reasons listed above. But what about dealing with such a situation? Now, there are a lot of ways to cope with feeling unloved or unlovable. Navigating the intricate landscape of feeling unlovable requires a compassionate and intentional approach to self-discovery and healing. Acknowledging these emotions is the first step in a journey toward self-acceptance and resilience.
There are various ways you can learn to cope with feeling unlovable.
A Quora user said, “The way you cope with being unlovable is the way Hellen Keller coped with being born deaf, dumb and blind. You find your purpose.” Another user suggested, “Start with thinking ‘you matter’. When you love, respect, and care for yourself, you can love and care for others too. Whenever you want to give something to someone, first start with yourself. You want to love, first love yourself, make yourself happy. It will flow from you like blood flows in your vein then.” Here are some ways you can cope with feeling unloved.
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar struggles. Give yourself unconditional love, be patient with yourself, and acknowledge that everyone has insecurities. Tara Brach, in her best-selling book Radical Acceptance: Living Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha says, “Acceptance and love are what heal the ‘trance of unworthiness’. And they are the only things that heal feeling unlovable.”
2. Challenge your negative thoughts
Nandita suggests, “Figure out why you’re feeling unlovable. Is it a self-inflicted feeling? Is it due to a partner who is being distant, or gaslighting you in the relationship, or ill-treating you emotionally? Is it because of some past experience? Once we find out the ‘why’, it becomes easier to go further into treating it.” Here’s how you can do that:
Identify and challenge negative thought patterns contributing to feelings of unlovability
Replace these thoughts and negative self-talk with more balanced and positive affirmations to reshape your self-perception
3. Seek professional help
Consider therapy or counseling to explore the root causes of these feelings. Therapists can provide valuable insights and tools to navigate and overcome feeling unlovable and other challenges that come with it. But in the end, the only person who can help you is you.
According to Nandita, one should seek professional help from a licensed clinical psychologist to rule out any mental disorders that are associated with feeling unworthy and unlovable. And if a mental disorder is diagnosed, the professional will be able to help you find the best treatment plan. Should you need it, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. A licensed clinical psychologist will be able to offer treatments such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, dynamic interpersonal therapy, and commitment therapy.
4. Build healthy relationships
Nandita says that having a strong support system and a good social connect is important. But even more important is trust. So confide in the people you trust, and keep your friends and family members close. If you’re feeling unlovable in a relationship, it might be time to assess if it would be better to leave that relationship. Here’s how healthy relationships help:
Building healthy relationships serves as a powerful antidote to feelings of unlovability by providing positive social reinforcement and support
Engaging with individuals who understand, accept, and appreciate you contributes to a sense of belonging and worthiness
These relationships foster an environment where you can challenge negative self-perceptions, receive genuine affection, and gradually rebuild a positive sense of self in the context of love and connection
Setting realistic expectations is a crucial coping strategy for combating feelings of unlovability, as it involves acknowledging that perfection is unattainable. By reassessing and adjusting expectations, you allow room for self-acceptance and embrace the reality of being human, with strengths and imperfections.
This shift in mindset fosters a more compassionate view of yourself, contributing to a positive sense of self-worth and an increase in self-confidence. “You should remember that it is all majorly psychological, so it is imperative to retrain your mind and thoughts to be kind to you and look at the positive qualities more,” says Nandita.
6. Engage in self-care and focus on personal growth
Prioritize self-care and wellbeing activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing can positively impact your self-esteem and overall outlook. Identify areas for personal growth and set realistic goals. Accomplishments, no matter how small, can boost self-esteem and contribute to a more positive self-image. Let go of your self-sabotaging behaviors.
7. Try affirmations, journaling, mindfulness, and meditation
Focus on positive activities to know yourself better, stay aware of your feelings, and learn to sieve out positivity through a mess of maladaptive thoughts. Here’s what’s required:
Create and repeat positive affirmations that reinforce feelings of self-worth and lovability. Affirmations can be a powerful tool to counteract negative self-talk and promote a more positive mindset
Finding ways to express your feelings and thoughts through journaling can be a therapeutic way to gain clarity and insight into the root causes of feeling unlovable. It also provides a record of your progress over time
Practice mindfulness and meditation to cultivate self-awareness and reduce anxiety. These practices can help you stay grounded in the present moment and develop a more balanced perspective
Embracing personal strengths, understanding the root causes, and gradually rebuilding a positive self-perception are crucial aspects of this transformative process. Through self-reflection and intentional steps, individuals can cultivate a more authentic and loving relationship with themselves, ultimately breaking free from the grip of unlovability and fostering a sense of worthiness in love and connection. So remove questions like ‘Is it possible to be unlovable?’ and ‘Why do I not feel worthy of love?’ from your mind and try a few things mentioned above to help you cope with feeling unlovable.
Key Pointers
Feelings of unlovability can be very dangerous for a person, sometimes even leading to suicide. So, it is very important to find out what is causing these feelings and how to cope with them
Some common causes of feeling unlovable are low self-esteem, past trauma or experiences, mental health issues, unrealistic expectations, and societal influences
Coping strategies involve fostering self-compassion, challenging negative thought patterns, and seeking support from trusted individuals or professionals
In the intricate exploration of the haunting questions “Am I unlovable?” and “Why am I unlovable?,” it becomes evident that the journey to self-discovery and the healing process are both personal and transformative. Acknowledging and challenging negative thought patterns, fostering self-compassion, and seeking support are foundational steps toward dismantling the roots of unlovability.
It is within the deliberate steps of self-reflection, intentional growth, and cultivating meaningful connections that individuals can transcend the shadows of unlovability, ultimately discovering a profound and enduring love and acceptance within themselves. The journey toward self-love is not linear, but through patience, self-compassion, and commitment, one can emerge from the depths of doubt into a brighter and more affirming understanding of one’s inherent lovability.
A substitute teacher at Lake Arbor Elementary School in Prince George’s County, Maryland, has been removed indefinitely following allegations that he verbally and physically abused students.
A substitute teacher at Lake Arbor Elementary School in Prince George’s County, Maryland, has been removed indefinitely following allegations that he verbally and physically abused students.
On Friday, Assistant Principal Camille McLaughlin sent a letter to parents stating the unidentified substitute had been removed indefinitely and was under investigation for reports of verbal and physical altercations with students in a classroom.
She added that “providing a safe and orderly environment for our students remains our highest priority” and asked parents to encourage their children to report any troubling incidents with adults.
Tierra Parker said her son was one of the students abused on Feb. 7. She said he came home from school that day and told her the teacher had lifted him in the air and choked him by his shirt collar. He said that was just one of two incidents.
The student also claimed that the substitute “pulled his left leg and dragged him out of his chair, leading to him hitting his head on the side of the chair and falling on his back,” Parker told WTOP.
Parker immediately reported the incidents to both the school and county police.
“I just want the kids to be aware that this is not right,” Parker said. “Make sure you’re just telling an adult of the situation, don’t just go home and just think that that’s OK.”
She said she wants the school system to do more thorough background checks while hiring. She’d also like to see additions that make classrooms safer.
“I feel like every classroom should have cameras,” Parker said. “Just in case things like this happen, we can have some type of clarification. We can see what’s going on in the class, instead of like ‘he say, she say’ we can actually see what’s going on in the class.”
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In the ebb and flow of relationships, we often find ourselves navigating through challenges, seeking understanding, and striving for connection. Reflecting on my own journey, I recall a chapter where the dynamics took a perplexing turn, leaving me grappling with the task of learning how to respond to DARVO.
At that time, romance colored my world, and I found myself entangled with a captivating woman. However, as the relationship progressed, subtle shifts began to occur. Disagreements that once seemed like mere misunderstandings took on a different hue. It was during these moments of discord that I unwittingly encountered DARVO – an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
As I attempted to address concerns or express my feelings, a disconcerting pattern emerged. Instead of fostering open and healthy communication, my partner seemed to employ a strategic defense mechanism: Deny any wrongdoing, Attack my character, and skillfully Reverse the roles of victim and offender. It was as if the very foundation of our connection became a battlefield where accountability and understanding were elusive.
Yes, it is as insidious as it sounds. Let’s delve into the intricacies of this perplexing behavior and explore effective strategies on how to deal with DARVO. By sharing my personal experience, and insights from counseling psychologist Dhriti Bhavsar (M.Sc, Clinical Psychology), who specializes in relationship, breakup, and LGBTQ counseling, I hope to shed light on the impact of DARVO in relationships and empower you to navigate the complexities of communication with resilience and clarity and ultimately recover from DARVO.
What Is DARVO In A Relationship?
What does DARVO stand for? DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a term coined by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd in the 1990s to describe a common pattern of behavior observed in some interpersonal conflicts, particularly in situations where a person is confronted about their actions or behavior.
Dhriti says, “The DARVO method is a common manipulation tactic employed by narcissists as an ego defense. A core characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder is a very fragile ego state. As a result of their low self-esteem, they view the world with an internal sense of insecurity, which they overcompensate with a superiority complex.
“They see normal interactions as threatening and feel safe only when they take power away from the people around them. For the narcissist, everything is a power struggle and they get off on being able to control other people’s actions and emotions. A narcissist needs control at all cost, especially that of their victim’s mental health.”
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For the sake of greater clarity on what this means, let’s take a look at how each component of DARVO is used against the victim:
Deny: First, the perpetrator denies wrongdoing or responsibility for their actions. This refusal to be held accountable can take various forms, ranging from outright refutation of an event to downplaying the significance of their bad behavior, but accepting responsibility is out of the question
Attack: Following denial, the person often launches a counterattack against the individual who raised the issue. This attack can manifest as being unfairly accused, criticism of the victim’s account, blame-shifting, or even questioning the motives or character of the person bringing up the concern, making the victim doubt themselves
Reverse victim and offender: In this stage, the person employing DARVO creates a false narrative and resorts to blame-shifting in the relationship, portraying themselves as the victim and the accuser as the offender. By doing so, they aim to deflect attention from their own actions and garner sympathy or support and abusive incidents become the victim’s fault.
DARVO emotional abuse can be particularly challenging in relationships because it creates a sense of cognitive dissonance, and the person raising a valid concern may end up feeling gaslit, confused, or invalidated. The aim is to divert attention and create doubt and this pattern of behavior can contribute to a toxic cycle of miscommunication and unresolved issues, in which you doubt your own judgment. What is DARVO in a relationship if not a manipulative tactic?
Recognizing these DARVO tactics can empower individuals to address conflicts more effectively, navigate discussions with a clearer understanding of the dynamics at play, and ultimately disarm DARVO. In the next sections of this article, we’ll explore how to respond to DARVO and foster healthier communication in relationships.
It is often hard to spot emotional abuse like DARVO because we tend to believe that interpersonal interactions are going to be mutually beneficial. This is particularly true in romantic relationships. It is hard to accept that a person so close could indulge in abusive behavior. In fact, betrayal trauma theory “posits that there is a social utility in remaining unaware of abuse when the perpetrator is a caregiver.” And the perpetrator makes the most of it to maintain power using emotional abuse.
Dhriti speaks of a case where being subjected to DARVO by a narcissist left her client convinced that she was a bad person. “My client was in her mid-20s and had been in a relationship with a guy for around 10 months. After the first few months, she began noticing subtle changes in his behavior — almost like his mask was slipping. It turned out that this guy had narcissistic personality disorder and he was using the manipulative tactics of DARVO on my client.
DARVO can have a debilitating effect on the victim’s mental health
“At one point, my client lost a family member and was stricken with grief. But her boyfriend began guilt-tripping her for not giving him any of her time. When she confronted him about this and tried to break up with him, he retorted with the classic, ‘No, the truth is you always make things about you and this is all your fault.’ My client, being in grief, apologized and continued dating him for about two weeks.
“But during this time, he continued to make her feel guilty for not engaging in physical intimacy with him. When she called him out for this, he responded with classic gaslighting phrases like ‘It’s not a big deal’, and ‘You’re trying to play the victim here again.’ At this point, my client had had enough and said, ‘Okay, maybe I am the bad guy here, so why do you want to continue dating me if I’m so bad,’ and ended the relationship there.
“It was after that that she came to me for therapy and asked me if she really was a terrible person for the way she treated him. This is how manipulative a person can be when they use DARVO tactics. He had gotten so deep in my client’s head that she genuinely thought she was a bad person for trying to set boundaries.”
Examples of the DARVO cycle and its impact can provide insight into how this defense mechanism operates in real-life situations and the potential consequences it can have on your self-image and relationships:
Scenario 1: The broken promise
Deny: You confront your partner about breaking a promise to attend an important event together. Your partner responds, “I never promised to be there. You must have misunderstood.”
Attack: Your partner continues, “Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one who flakes on plans. You’re no better. Maybe you’re just upset because you have no social life.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes with false accusations like, “I can’t believe you’re making me out to be the bad guy here. You’re always trying to control everything. I’m just trying to have some independence.”
Scenario 2: Relationship trust
Deny: Your partner denies ever promising to spend quality time together on weekends, despite clear previous commitments. When confronted, they respond with, “I never said we had to spend every weekend together. You’re exaggerating.”
Attack: In response to your disappointment, your partner counters, “You’re always so clingy. Maybe if you had a life outside of our relationship, you wouldn’t be so upset about spending time apart.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes, “I can’t believe you’re making me out to be the bad guy here. You’re the one who’s suffocating me with your need for constant attention. I need space.”
Deny: Concerned about the lack of financial transparency in the relationship, you confront your partner about undisclosed spending. They deny any financial infidelity, saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve always been open about my finances with you.”
Attack: In response to your persistence, your partner shifts blame, stating, “You’re so obsessed with money. Maybe if you contributed more, I wouldn’t have to hide things. You’re the one with the problem.”
Reverse victim and offender: Your partner concludes, “It’s ridiculous that you’re accusing me. You’re the one who’s controlling and making a big deal out of nothing. I’m just trying to maintain some financial independence.”
DARVO is subtle and can be hard to spot
A Reddit user describes experiencing abuse of this kind at the hands of her ex-partner, “My most recent DARVO experience was tonight when I (stupidly) tried to hold my soon-to-be-nex [narcissistic ex] accountable for his emotional/psychological abuse. He countered by saying that I was abusive to him and he was only reacting to my provocations. I don’t provoke fights. I was thrown off for a split second before I saw the DARVO deployment. For the record, I am calm and kind most of the time. It takes a lot to set me off but after 20 years, he knows all my buttons.”
Research has found, “…the existence of DARVO as a perpetrator strategy and establish a relationship between DARVO exposure and feelings of self-blame. Exploring DARVO aids in understanding how perpetrators are able to enforce victims’ silence through the mechanism of self-blame.” A common feature of child sexual abuse, these specific tactics can and often do escalate to other forms of abuse such as domestic violence in intimate relationships. Narcissists are often victims of their own mistreatment during childhood, but that does not mean you have to tolerate their abusive behavior.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
As you can see, the DARVO cycle is quite insidious. The narcissist is actively trying to create a pseudo-identity for you based on self-blame, thus undermining your sense of self and making you feel trapped. The kind of abusive behavior displayed in these DARVO examples can have a profoundly negative impact on the victim’s self-esteem and interpersonal relationships, such as:
Undermining trust: DARVO erodes trust by denying accountability. The repeated denial of one’s actions can make it challenging for you to trust the individual, as you will start to feel like your concerns are consistently dismissed
Communication breakdown: The attack phase of DARVO can lead to a breakdown in communication or a relationship breakdown. Instead of addressing the initial concern, the conversation becomes focused on defending against the counterattack, hindering a resolution
Gaslighting: This behavior often involves gaslighting, where the person employing these DARVO tactics manipulates your perception of reality. This can leave you questioning your own perceptions and feelings, contributing to self-doubt
The cycle of unresolved issues: As DARVO deflects accountability and avoids addressing the root cause of conflicts, it can contribute to a cycle of unresolved issues in relationships. Without open and honest communication, problems persist and escalate
Emotional distress: Experiencing DARVO can be emotionally distressing. The constant denial, attack, and reversal of roles can leave you feeling emotionally drained, frustrated, and invalidated — all signs of narcissistic abuse syndrome
Power imbalance: The use of DARVO can create a power struggle in relationships, with one person manipulating the narrative and destroying the victim’s credibility to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and making the other feel powerless to change the situation
Recognizing these examples and understanding the impact of DARVO emotional abuse is crucial for those seeking to learn how to respond to DARVO in order to navigate conflicts healthily and constructively. Particularly when confronted with DARVO in marriage. In the next section, we’ll explore effective strategies on how to respond to and disarm DARVO and promote positive communication in relationships.
How To Respond To DARVO — 7 Expert-Backed Strategies
Dhriti says, “Since a narcissist needs control, their MO is to completely isolate their victim and dismantle their support systems to make them wholly dependent on the narcissist. DARVO helps them accomplish this by making the victim question their own perception of reality, doubt their own intentions and integrity, and make them feel responsible for the narcissist’s suffering. They slowly chip away at their victim’s mental health by gaslighting them.”
DARVO is insidious but once you see it, it gets easier to deal with
Indeed, what does DARVO stand for if not for the whims of a narcissist? If you want to recover from DARVO, responding to this manipulative tactic requires a thoughtful and assertive approach. Here are some strategies to consider when faced with the problem of how to respond to DARVO in a relationship or communication:
1. Become aware of the situation
Dhriti emphasizes the importance of becoming aware of the dynamics at play. “Educate yourself about DARVO and its patterns to better understand and navigate the situation. Do your research about narcissism so that you can spot these DARVO tactics sooner rather than later,” she advises. Do not fall into the trap of betrayal trauma theory.
Surround yourself with a strong support system. As we have already covered, a narcissist aims to isolate you. So, seek out friends, family, or a support group that can provide understanding and encouragement during challenging times. Having people who back you up is great for your mental health too.
3. Establish emotional boundaries
Dhriti also recommends you set boundaries with DARVO abusers. These internal boundaries, such as promising yourself not to attend events that feel unsafe, protect your core mental health and emotional well-being, reinforcing your values and bolstering your mental fortitude. This is a crucial step to disarm DARVO.
4. Gather solid proof
Dhriti suggests gathering evidence and documenting incidents before confronting the individual. This proof serves as a defense against gaslighting and provides a factual basis for addressing the issue. However, it is important to keep in mind that no amount of evidence will make a narcissist accept responsibility. This is purely to keep you from falling into their trap. It doesn’t help to reverse a gaslight, for the sake of your own sanity.
Recognizing that you cannot change the person employing DARVO is crucial. Cutting contact may be a necessary step to protect yourself and disengage from a toxic dynamic. This may be easier said than done, especially if you’re romantically involved with them or dealing with DARVO or emotional abuse in marriage. But it may be your only option to avoid further harm to your own mental health.
6. Shift your responses
Dhriti notes that victims often realize that when they stop responding in the expected way, the individual using DARVO loses interest. Adjusting your responses can disrupt the pattern and encourage healthier interactions. For example, don’t get carried away when they shift blame toward you. Don’t attempt to reverse a gaslight as this would just complicate things further.
In line with Dhriti’s holistic approach, prioritize self-care. Caring for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being is essential during challenging situations. Make self-care a priority to maintain resilience while you deal with this situation. Seek support from a therapist if you need help on your healing journey. This is also essential to recover from DARVO.
By incorporating expert-recommended tips, you can equip yourself with valuable tools to navigate relationships where DARVO may be present, be better informed about how to respond to DARVO, and foster personal well-being in the process.
Key Pointers
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
It is a common tactic used by narcissists to deny accountability and victimize people
Being a victim of DARVO can leave you emotionally distressed, filled with self-doubt, and isolated
Become aware of what’s happening and do what is necessary to take your life back
In conclusion, navigating the intricate dynamics of DARVO in relationships demands a vigilant eye and a strategic approach. Recognizing the patterns of denial, attack, and the reversal of victim and offender in this harmful behavior empowers individuals to respond effectively and maintain the integrity of their communication.
By understanding the psychological underpinnings of DARVO, one can break free from the cycle of emotional manipulation and work toward fostering healthier relationships. Whether through setting emotional boundaries, seeking professional help, or practicing self-care, the tools to dismantle DARVO’s impact are within reach. As we strive for genuine connection and open communication, the awareness and resilience cultivated in the face of DARVO contribute to creating relationships built on trust, transparency, and mutual respect.
FAQs
1. Why does DARVO work?
DARVO is effective due to its adept manipulation of psychology and emotions. By denying wrongdoing, attacking the accuser, and reversing victim and offender roles, it exploits social norms and the fear of confrontation. Emotional manipulation and gaslighting techniques further sow doubt in the accuser’s mind, creating a complex emotional landscape. This manipulative strategy often leaves individuals disoriented, making it challenging to call out the false narrative and assert their reality, thereby allowing DARVO tactics to persist in relationships.
2. How do you spot a DARVO?
Spotting DARVO requires a keen awareness of certain behavioral patterns in interpersonal conflicts. The first indicator is a consistent pattern of denial when confronted with accountability or wrongdoing. Individuals employing DARVO often vehemently deny their actions, even in the face of evidence or repeated instances. The second red flag is the attack phase, where the person shifts the focus by attacking the accuser’s character, motives, or behavior, diverting attention away from the initial concern. Lastly, DARVO is evident in the reversal of victim and offender, where the individual portrays themselves as the victim, manipulating the narrative to garner sympathy and deflect blame.
To recognize DARVO, pay attention to these sequential behaviors during conflicts. If you observe a repeated pattern of denial, personal attacks, and role reversal, it may indicate the use of DARVO in an attempt to manipulate perceptions and avoid accountability. Being vigilant for these signs can empower you to respond more effectively and maintain healthier communication in your relationships.
Caring or controlling? It’s easy to mistake one for the other in relationships, but there’s a crucial difference – one makes you feel loved, and the other, scared. Enter the “Is My Boyfriend Controlling? Quiz,” a valuable tool for self-reflection designed to enhance your understanding of your boyfriend’s actions. Crafted by a psychologist with experience as a relationships counselor, this quiz aims to help you identify telltale signs of controlling behavior.
In relationships, control issues can subtly creep in, often going unnoticed. It may start with seemingly harmless small things that, when viewed individually, seem innocent but collectively raise a major red flag.
Consider a common scenario: when your boyfriend asks for your location. If it’s rooted in genuine concern for your safety or planning check-ins, that’s positive. However, if he’s constantly demanding your location, checking up on you excessively, and bombarding you with too many questions, it could be a sign of control.
This example illustrates physical control, but there are other types as well. Emotional and psychological control often accompany physical control, but they can be trickier to identify. For instance, emotional control may manifest as manipulative behaviors that subtly undermine your confidence, leading you to constantly crave his approval.
The quiz consists of eight straightforward questions, each prompting reflection on different aspects of your relationship. So, find a quiet corner, answer honestly, and let the quiz address the questions buzzing around in your mind: “Is my boyfriend manipulative?” “Is he controlling?”
Relationships, at the best of times, are challenging affairs to navigate, and past sexual trauma makes them even more difficult. A WHO report states that 1 in 3 women are subjected to physical or sexual violence globally. Even more worrying is that 1 in 4 girls/women aged 15 to 24 years have experienced some form of sexual abuse or violence by an intimate partner. Have you been seeing everyday signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past, and is part of these alarming statistics? If you’re dating a sexual abuse survivor, then you need to educate yourself on this subject.
So, what constitutes sexual abuse and sexual trauma? According to psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, sexual abuse is defined as “exposure of a person to any kind of inappropriate sexual behavior by another person. The abuse could be physical, sexual assault, molestation or rape, or could also include verbal sexual abuse. Sexual trauma occurs when sexual abuse causes the victim a great deal of stress and prevents them from functioning optimally.”
Let’s try to identify the signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past. So that you can support her with a greater degree of sensitivity and awareness.
11 Possible Signs Your Girlfriend Was Sexually Abused In The Past
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (ACOG) defines sexual abuse, especially child sexual abuse, as any type of sexual activity where consent is not or cannot be given. This will include any sexual contact that is accomplished by force or the threat of force. Legal definitions vary by state, and state guidelines are available here. If you go through these, you might even spot subtle signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past, even when she’s not vocal about it.
Some people think they ‘deserve’ to know the details of their partner’s past abuse. A Reddit user says, “Reliving it isn’t necessarily a healthy thing to do with you. Maybe in therapy with a trained counselor, but again, that’s her choice. This isn’t about you.” Another Reddit user says, “It’s a personal tragedy that I have no place in needing to know … Exposing the wound just so you can take a look inside when she hasn’t healed enough will just make things worse.”
This is why we’ve created a list of signs someone was sexually abused in the past, so you know exactly how to support your partner even when she’s not ready to share.
Having a difficult time building an intimate relationship is a common sign that your partner may have been sexually abused in the past. Those with a history of past sexual abuse often have difficulty in forming and maintaining emotional intimacy with their partners. This stems from their traumatic experiences of sexual abuse, which makes it difficult for them to trust others and be vulnerable with a man. The fear of being hurt again may manifest in several ways:
Reluctance to open up about their thoughts and feelings
Changing topics when the conversation gets deep
Signs of discomfort with physical touch like hugs and caresses
Recognizing these signs of sexual abuse for what they are will help deal with the issue. Do not read her responses as indicative of rejection or a lack of interest but rather as a coping mechanism. This will create a safe and supportive environment in which your girlfriend can learn to deal with her fears and become comfortable with intimacy. Empower her and focus on the things she can do well, instead of what she’s unable to.
2. She avoids sexual contact
Nandita says, “Avoiding sexual contact is one of the more obvious signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past. She may seem traumatized and scared of sexual touch.” This avoidance of sexual intimacy may take different forms, such as:
She flinches from physical touch
Her body may tense up during physically intimate moments
She remains unresponsive to any advances
She avoids any suggestion of engaging in sexual activity
Avoiding sexual relationships is common for those with a sexual abuse history or those who have been through childhood sexual abuse. The past sexual trauma will have affected your girlfriend’s understanding of what intimate relationships are all about. In her mind, intimacy and sex have negative associations with pain and trauma. Overcoming this can take a long, and often painful, process of healing and grief.
Some sexual abuse survivors try to avoid any triggers that may remind them of the incident(s). These will include locations, discussions, acts, or even positions that may make them feel vulnerable. It is important for you, as a partner and loved one, to be understanding and to provide emotional support.
The trauma of past sexual abuse may make your partner uncomfortable with physical intimacy
3. Signs someone was sexually abused in the past: Flashbacks and/or recurrent nightmares
The signs of your girlfriend having survived sexual abuse in the past are remarkably similar to PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder. This remains true even if the incident occurred a long time ago. Pressurizing her in any way will just aggravate the situation and alienate her further.
According to Nandita, “Symptoms of PTSD are common amongst those who have been sexually abused. These would include flashbacks of the past and recurrent nightmares. These are signs that her brain is trying to process and come to terms with the traumatic event of her past. Along with this, she may also suffer from disturbed sleep and insomnia. She might dissociate a lot too.”
4. She may suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks
Nandita says, “For abuse survivors, certain situations may trigger heightened anxiety or depression. The situations may be centered around certain people or places, things that in her mind are associated with past trauma. The anxiety may manifest as emotional outbursts which seem disproportionate to the moment, seemingly caused by unrelated events.”
Dealing with these dating and social anxiety or panic attacks, says Nandita, will require acceptance and acknowledgment on both your parts that her current behavior is rooted in her past abuse. It will need to be treated with great love and compassion. Getting her to seek support from a trauma-informed mental health professional would also be greatly beneficial to her.
5. An abuse survivor might be clingy
Dating a sexual abuse survivor may mean having to put up with clinginess. This type of behavior is usually caused by the fear of being abandoned and may lead to an over-dependence on your relationship. While this can prove difficult at times, it would do well to remember that her past abuse caused these negative beliefs.
Being clingy in a relationship is her coping mechanism, helping her deal with her vulnerabilities, and once again calls for plenty of patience, understanding, and compassion on your part, as well as gentle boundaries.
6. Your girlfriend might be a people-pleaser
She may be unable to say no to people, even when it is at the cost of her boundaries and will. This is typical people-pleasing behavior. While it is her way of ensuring stability and no confrontations, it does not make for healthy relationships. The behavior is typical of people who suffer from low self-esteem and is directly linked to her past sexual abuse, which has deeply affected her self-image.
“My partner went through sexual abuse at an early age,” shares 25-year-old Rick from Montana. “She often said yes to small things in the relationship, which I could detect she wasn’t really into. Certain trip plans, or where to eat, or how to spend a day. I started thinking that I don’t really know her. She ultimately told me some things about her past and has now been trying to, over the last six months, say ‘no’ when she’s not into something. It’s a big deal for her to be able to do this.”
7. Sign that you are dating a sexual abuse survivor: She has low self-esteem and low self-worth
“Survivors of sexual abuse might feel a lot of shame, guilt, and humiliation over their past trauma due to societal stigma or upbringing. As a result, they often suffer from low self-esteem,” says Nandita. Sexual assault and sexual abuse survivors are often made to believe that they are to blame for the abuse. These feelings of shame and guilt over time contribute to a feeling of worthlessness. This can manifest in many ways:
Lack of self-confidence
Withdrawn behavior, especially in large groups
Indecisiveness: Approval is sought before/after almost every decision
Signs of self-harm or self-injury
Substance abuse
You need to remind yourself repeatedly that these behaviors are not a part of her natural personality but have been caused by her sexual abuse experience. She’ll need time, empowerment, and emotional validation to slowly rebuild her self-image and gradually lift her self-esteem. For more serious issues such as substance abuse and/or alcohol abuse, you should get her to seek professional help or, at the very least, seek support from friends or support groups to get her started on her healing journey.
8. You notice self-destructive patterns
What are the signs of sexual abuse that are sometimes the hardest to deal with? We asked our readers. “A pattern of self-destructive behavior. It was a coping mechanism that my girlfriend exhibited to deal with her intense emotions from past trauma. I had to stand on the sidelines and watch her punish herself for a long time,” shares Ling, 27, a reader from San Francisco.
In a study on childhood sexual abuse as a precursor to self-destructive behavior in adulthood, it was concluded that the more frequent the abuse and the longer its duration, the more depression and self-destructiveness was reported in adulthood. The above behaviors are caused by deep-rooted emotional pain and are not a conscious choice. So try to be more empathetic while approaching such situations and keep a non-judgemental frame of mind. And help her seek a mental health professional who can provide her with the tools to deal with these sexual abuse after-effects.
9. There are physical symptoms of sexual abuse too
Physical signs of past sexual trauma may not be very apparent to you. A medical professional will be more adept at spotting these signs. Some of the common physical symptoms would include:
Chronic pain in the abdominal or pelvic region
Eating disorders
Self-neglect
As per a study, there is an increased likelihood of substance addiction as a result of past sexual abuse trauma
Being physically inactive
Obesity
For these reasons, it is essential for your girlfriend to seek therapy. Getting her to do so would require plenty of patience on your part and should not be rushed.
10. Your girlfriend might display varied sex-related behaviors
As stated earlier, your girlfriend may have trouble with intimacy and sexual contact. But you may notice other effects too:
Her association of sexual activity with physical pain and violation may cause disturbances in her sexual desire levels as well as in arousal, causing her to experience a degree of sexual dysfunction
Or she may have a history of multiple sexual partners
She may have contracted sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, in part due to low self-worth and not caring about her well-being
Studies have shown that unwanted pregnancies or sex work are associated with sexual abuse, too
She might not want to have any discussion around sexual assault and harassment with you, or may go quiet when such conversations occur in a group setting
11. She might suffer from gynecological issues
A study on abuse and gynecologic health showed that 61% of raped or abused women had some form of sexual .dysfunction. Almost the same percentage had gynecologic problems. Your girlfriend may also be suffering from gynecological issues such as chronic pelvic pain, dyspareunia, vaginismus, and non-specific vaginitis.
She is less likely to have had regular Pap tests and may be reluctant to consult a doctor, often brushing off any ailment as something minor. She needs trauma-informed care from someone who understands that it’s not easy for her to get an invasive procedure like a Pap test.
Important resources for sexual abuse survivors
All mental health experts would agree that the consequences of sexual abuse are varied and long-lasting, and the road to recovery is long and fraught with difficulties. Below are some resources that can help you deal with this subject:
How To Approach The Topic Of Sexual Abuse With Your Girlfriend
Loving a sexual assault survivor means you need to be an ally to the movements where survivors and victims are believed. Should you suspect that your girlfriend has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in the past, take care in how you approach this topic with her. Some recommendations on how to handle this tactfully include:
Ensure that this conversation is attempted in a quiet and safe space with no distractions or interruptions
Start by letting her know of your concern and that you desire to support her
Helping your girlfriend through trauma recovery from sexual abuse will require plenty of knowledge and empathy on your part
You need to understand the fundamentals of support to create a consistently kind, nurturing environment where she feels safe and not judged
She will be more likely to open up when she is ready to talk about it, and trying to force her may achieve the opposite effect
Do not judge her, and be respectful of her boundaries
Whenever you hear on the news or in your social circle that someone has been abused, show her where your solidarity lies so she knows you are a consistently safe person to speak to
Address the issue of sexual abuse of your girlfriend with a lot of patience, love, and zero judgment
An anonymous author on Quora who had experienced sexual abuse had this to say about broaching the topic with a loved one: “It is important that you treat it in a matter-of-fact way and not as a stigma.” She adds that you should tell her there are plenty of people who have been through the same ordeal, and that she’s not alone.
The first step in achieving this, says Nandita, is acknowledging that there is an issue. The desire to move forward and seek help will only come after this. The ACOG website states clearly that traumatized patients generally benefit from mental health care. In this regard, your girlfriend’s obstetrician/gynecologist can be a powerful ally in helping her heal by offering support and referring her to a therapist with significant experience in dealing with abuse-related issues.
How To Help Your Girlfriend Heal From Sexual Trauma
Nandita reminds you that, as a partner, you need to be extremely sensitive to the fact that she has suffered past sexual abuse. Being sensitive requires you to have a high level of understanding of the issue. She suggests dealing with it very slowly, with much patience and care. One of the first things to remember is that every survivor is different, having been affected in a unique manner. This makes their journey in recovering from the trauma unique.
A Reddit user shares, “Don’t try and force her to talk about it if she isn’t ready. Keep making yourself available and be a good listener. Don’t treat her any differently, it could make her feel more alienated. Let her lead her own healing process, but be there to support her along the way.”
Here are some of the steps that you can take:
Go through survivor stories and research; learn about sexual abuse and its effects (during and after) and all the reasons a person doesn’t/can’t speak up
Be open-minded and attentive when listening to her
Never blame her. Tell her she didn’t deserve any of this
Focus on building trust with her by doing activities that make her feel safe and happy: As a team, adopt healthy habits such as eating healthy or regular exercise. Pick a hobby for couples and pursue it together
Avoid giving unsolicited advice
Avoid pressuring her when it comes to talking about the past
Avoid pressuring her when it comes to intimate matters. If you can’t do this, you should step away from the relationship gently
Encourage her to meet friends and family, and to maintain a journal
Don’t treat her like she’s fragile, and don’t pity her
Find out online or in-person support groups and share the information with her
Support Yourself While Supporting Your Girlfriend
Loving a sexual assault survivor is easy, if you’re a good ally to sexual abuse victims and survivors, regardless of their gender. But learning allyship, without pause, can drain you emotionally. Remember to take care of your emotional well-being and practice self-love. You can only help her if you are well, so do not hesitate to seek the help and support of friends and family, or your therapist.
Key Pointers
Here are some signs your girlfriend was sexually abused in the past: Difficulty with intimacy, either verbal or physical, different degrees of discomfort with sex, disturbed sleep, anxiety, or panic attacks
The long-term effects of sexual abuse vary widely and can affect a survivor in all areas of their life, from the physical to the mental as well as emotional
Dealing with a survivor of sexual abuse can be challenging and calls for a lot of understanding, empathy, and patience
Seeking help from a professional will go a long way in mitigating these challenges
Try to remain non-judgemental and patient in your dealings with her, and don’t associate her silence on this topic as an indication of lack of trust in you. If either of you needs support, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you. We know you both got this.
Videogame maker Activision Blizzard has agreed to pay nearly $55 million to settle a California civil-rights lawsuit brought over complaints of sexual harassment, discrimination and pay disparities by women employees that helped trigger the company’s acquisition by Microsoft.
The agreement, subject to court approval, will see Activision pay nearly $46 million into a settlement fund dedicated to compensating women employees and contract workers at the company, plus more than $9 million in attorneys’ fees and costs. Additionally, Activision will take steps “to help ensure fair pay and promotion practices at the company,” including retaining an independent consultant to evaluate its compensation and promotion policies.
Yet the settlement also sees CRD withdraw its initial claims alleging a culture of widespread, systemic workplace sexual harassment at Activision, according to a copy of the agreement provided to MarketWatch. The document notes that the department is filing an amended complaint that removes the sexual-harassment allegations against the company and focuses on the gender-based pay and promotion claims.
CRD made no note of its prior sexual-harassment claims against Activision in its announcement Friday. A spokesperson for the department said the statement “largely speaks for itself with respect to the historic nature of this more than $50 million settlement agreement, which will bring direct relief and compensation to women who were harmed by the company’s discriminatory practices.
Representatives for Activision declined to comment.
The Wall Street Journal first reported the news of the settlement Friday.
The California agency’s complaint was one of several high-profile investigations by both state and federal regulators in recent years into alleged workplace misconduct at Activision and failures by its leadership to respond appropriately.
The settlement would be the second-largest ever for the California Civil Rights Department, according to the Journal, after its $100 million agreement with another Los Angeles-area videogame developer, Riot Games, to resolve gender-discrimination allegations in 2021. The agency had initially sought a much-larger settlement with Activision, the publication reported, citing how the state had estimated the company’s liability at nearly $1 billion to some 2,500 employees with potential claims.
Do you ever find yourself questioning your own sanity because of your partner? Does it feel like somehow you’re always wrong and they never make mistakes? Well, this might be a sign you’re a victim of gaslighting. That’s why we encourage you to take the short 8-question “Am I Being Gaslighted Quiz,” crafted by Dhriti Bhavsar, a counselling psychologist with expertise in mental and emotional well-being. This quiz is for everyone—whether you’re dealing with manipulative actions and emotional struggles a lot or just a little.
Gaslighting is like a psychological trick. The person doing it uses different tactics to make you doubt yourself. They might deny things, make your concerns seem unimportant, or blame you for everything. It happens slowly, and you might not realise it until it’s too late.
The impact of gaslighting is serious emotional abuse. It’s all about the other person wanting control. By making you doubt yourself, they take power over you. This emotional abuse can lead to feeling really anxious, sad, and unsure about yourself. Emotionally, gaslighting is like walking on eggshells. You always feel like you’re doing something wrong. The constant criticism makes you question every thought and action, chipping away at your confidence, and making you feel alone and powerless.
This is why it is essential to find the courage to ask, “Am I being gaslighted?” Identify if you are being manipulated and put an end to it. Make sure you have some time and privacy so you can reflect and answer the questions honestly. Don’t hesitate to break free from this manipulative behaviors and cycle of abuse
“Why does my girlfriend hit me?” — Men hesitate to confess this personal crisis. A study says, “Domestic violence against men covers a broad range of violent acts such as physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.” It’s quite underreported due to the myths surrounding male survivors. According to the CDC, 1 in 10 men have experienced some form of intimate partner violence (IPV). The perpetrators could vary across genders.
Our expert, relationship coach Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couple’s counseling, addresses the issue of domestic abuse, “Physical violence is absolutely wrong. Regardless of gender, education, or socio-economic status, violence must be treated with the same seriousness and outrage.”
We hope you never reach a stage during the course of your relationship where you find yourself asking, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me?” This article will tell you about 11 potential causes for your girlfriend’s violent behavior and offer helpful tips on how to handle this difficult scenario. By doing this, we intend to raise awareness around intimate partner abuse, encourage empathy, and give victims the confidence to get the support they deserve.
“My Girlfriend Hits Me” — 11 Possible Reasons Why You’re A Victim Of Domestic Violence
Many domestic violence offenders verbally, emotionally, or physically attack without provocation. Anyone who has witnessed domestic violence destroys a family or a relationship may be curious as to why someone would act in such a way in the first place.
Nandita answers, “Abuse frequently signifies a failure on a woman’s part to effectively express and regulate her emotions. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it could point to a problem with emotional control and communication.” What then are the primary reasons for abuse? What could be the causes of domestic violence in a relationship that seems happy? We discuss ahead.
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In order to look out for each other, we must be aware of the warning signs of domestic abuse in our families and neighborhoods. And if you are dealing with the “why does she hit me?” crisis personally, recognizing the signs of an abusive girlfriend is crucial for your well-being and safety in the relationship. Knowing these 11 possible reasons for domestic violence in a relationship will help you get ahead of the problem before it escalates even more.
1. Lack of communication skills
Some women may resort to violence when they struggle with effectively expressing their feelings and frustrations. They might not have learned healthy communication techniques or may have grown up in an environment where aggression was used as a means of communication. In such cases, domestic violence can become a way for them to convey their emotions or make their point when they feel unheard or dismissed.
Nandita suggests, “To address abuse, improving communication is essential. Selecting a time period in which there are no conflicts ensures that both the people can communicate without feeling very emotional or overwhelmed.”
2. Her abusive behavior stems from emotional issues
“My girlfriend is abusive, but I could only leave her after three months of going through that emotional pain. She was manipulative every day. And now she says she wants me to come back.” — Merc, a teacher from Pennsylvania, shares with us. A study states, “Female IPV perpetrators tend to engage in more coercive and controlling behavior than physical abuse.”
People with unresolved emotional problems or past traumas may have difficulty managing their emotions in a healthy way, creating a toxic relationship. These unresolved issues can manifest as intense anger, sadness, or anxiety, which can sometimes lead to outbursts of violence as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
3. She has anger management problems
Some ask, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me when she’s mad at something else?” Individuals with anger management problems struggle to control their anger when they become enraged. This can occur when they feel provoked or triggered by a situation or person. The problem can be exacerbated by a lack of awareness around coping skills or a history of unaddressed conflicts. If your girlfriend has anger issues, it should involve open communication and support from both sides, not violence.
4. Relationship stress can lead to her anger issues
“Is itokay for my girlfriend to hit me if I made a mistake?” NO. Ongoing conflicts and tension can create a hostile and emotionally charged environment. In such situations, emotions can build up over time, leading to heightened frustration and anger. Stressors such as financial problems, infidelity, or differing expectations can contribute to relationship abuse. Consider going to individual therapy or couple’s therapy in this case, instead of hitting your partner.
Nandita says, “In order to address and avoid violence in a relationship, it is crucial to understand a partner’s triggers and pinpoint the underlying reasons for the mental or physical abuse. There are different triggers, such as stress, unsolved issues, poor anger management, and old traumas that could lead to the relationship abuse inflicted by your girlfriend.”
5. She could be modeling the behavior she learned from family
If someone grew up in a household where violence was normalized, had an abusive parent, or witnessed family members resorting to violence as a means of resolving conflicts, they may be more likely to replicate that behavior in their own relationships. This is often a learned behavior, where individuals view violence as an acceptable or even expected way to deal with problems.
Nandita suggests, “A good starting point for dealing with male domestic violence in a relationship is making your partner understand the need for therapy to deal with deep-rooted issues. During the recovery period of the abuser, both partners must be compassionate and cooperate with each other in order to pinpoint triggers, pursue therapy as needed, and create more constructive dispute resolution techniques.”
6. Jealousy and insecurity have taken hold of her
Many may wonder, “Is it okay for my girlfriend to hit me if I flirt with someone?” The answer is a resounding no; violence is never acceptable — even if you’re micro-cheating on her. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can be powerful emotional triggers in a relationship. This person may become fearful of losing their partner or believe that their partner is being unfaithful. The aggressor may believe that using violence will prevent their partner from leaving or straying, even though such actions are harmful and counterproductive.
Substance abuse is a huge red flag in general, as it involves the excessive use of drugs or alcohol, which can have a significant impact on an individual’s behavior and decision-making. According to Nandita, when under the influence of these substances, a person may experience:
Impaired judgment
Reduced inhibitions
Decreased self-control
Intensified negative emotions, which amplifies conflicts
This leads to mental or physical violence as a way to cope with or respond to perceived threats or stressors. If you’re wondering “What should I do if my girlfriend hits me every time she is under the influence of alcohol or drugs?”, it’s crucial to take immediate action to ensure your safety. Tracy (name changed), a reader, wrote to us: “My toxic girlfriend beats me when she’s drunk. But it only happens once a month or so. Is my girlfriend abusive or should I be understanding?”
Yes, Tracy. Your partner is abusive. Nandita adds, “Aggression and impulsive behavior seem to rise with substance misuse. Drugs and alcohol have been shown to worsen underlying emotional problems. However, addiction treatment reduces hostility while also enhancing general mental and physical health.”
These are the possible reasons why you are facing domestic violence
8. “Why does my girlfriend hit me when I’m doing well in life?” For power and control
Do you often sit alone and wonder, “My girlfriend is abusing me ever since I asserted myself a little. Why does she do this?” Domestic violence is a deliberate pattern of behavior used to establish authority, superiority, and surveillance toward a partner.
Some control-freak women use violence as a means to assert power and control over their partners. This is often part of a pattern of abusive behavior aimed at maintaining dominance in the relationship. The abuser may employ various tactics, such as intimidation, threats, or isolation, to make sure the partner doesn’t leave them.
In some cases, past issues or unresolved resentments within the relationship can build up over time, creating a toxic emotional environment. When an individual holds onto these negative feelings without addressing or resolving them, they may release their frustration through physical aggression. Intimate partner violence is used as a way to express their pain, anger, and resentment in a relationship when they feel unable to communicate their emotions effectively.
Chess, a skater from L.A., shares with us, “One day, I finally gathered the courage to reach out to my friend: ‘Please don’t laugh at what I’m about to say. I’m serious. My girlfriend hits me, what should I do? I know she’s mad at me but she won’t tell me the reason.’ Reaching out to trusted people is essential, that’s what I’ve learned from my ordeal. Men face quite a lot of stigma in this area and are often mocked.”
10. She’s going through mental health issues
We’ve often heard people say “My girlfriend’s mental health is affecting me.” Underlying mental health issues can contribute to violent behavior in some individuals. Conditions such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Impulse Control Disorders, or any kind of mental illness can affect a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and impulses. Let’s talk about these disorders:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Individuals with BPD often struggle with intense mood swings, impulsivity, and unstable relationships. If she’s suffering from BPD, she may experience intense anger and fear of abandonment, which can lead to outbursts of violence as a way to manage her emotional turmoil or maintain relationships
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): People with ASPD may exhibit a pattern of aggressive behavior and manipulation in relationships. They may lack empathy and remorse, making it more likely for them to engage in violent acts without guilt or regret
Impulse Control Disorders: These disorders, such as intermittent explosive disorder (IED), are characterized by difficulty in controlling aggressive impulses. Such individuals may react violently to minor provocations or stressors, which is a huge sign of possible domestic abuse
Research on domestic violence against men, published in The National Library of Medicine, states that prevalence rates of domestic physical violence against men ranged from 3.4% to 20.3% and factors such as alcohol abuse, jealousy, mental illness, physical impairment, and short relationship duration are linked to a higher risk of men becoming victims of domestic violence.
This is one of the key signs of an abusive girlfriend. In certain cultures or communities, physical aggression may be viewed as a legitimate way to resolve disputes or assert dominance. However, this normalization of abuse can create an environment where violent behavior is not only accepted but expected in certain situations. Here’s how it can impact individuals and relationships:
Difficulty identifying abuse: Victims of domestic violence in cultures or communities where violence is normalized behind closed doors may have difficulty identifying that they are being abused. They may rationalize or downplay the violence, not making a big deal out of it and believing it’s a customary way of resolving conflicts; so the abuse continues
Acceptance of violence: When intimate partner violence is normalized, individuals may grow up believing that physical aggression is a normal and acceptable response to conflicts. This acceptance can make it challenging for them to recognize that such behavior is abusive and harmful, deteriorating their mental health. They may be less likely to seek help or intervention when they are victims of violence. This takes a hit on their self-esteem
Breaking free from the cycle of normalized violence often requires education, strong mental health, and awareness of relationship dynamics. Communities and organizations that work to raise awareness about domestic violence can play a crucial role in helping individuals recognize and address abusive behavior.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Is It Normal For My Girlfriend To Hit Me?
It goes without saying that physical abuse in a romantic relationship is aberrant and completely unacceptable, much like emotional abuse and mental abuse. Respect for each other, trust in one another, empathy, and open communication are qualities that define happy, safe, and loving partnerships. You’re not in a relationship to be your partner’s punching bag.
An excerpt from an issue of The British Journal of Criminology clearly states, “Some research findings reveal that women are as likely as men to perpetrate violence against an intimate partner.” Conflicts and disagreements are an inevitable element of human contact in a good relationship, but not abuse or violence. For scenarios of domestic violence, a coercive control checklist will prove to be a good paradigm for a professional to assess your state.
Have they ever hit you? If yes, did they make you feel it was your fault?
By using this checklist, professionals and individuals can better recognize and address situations of coercive control, promoting healthier and safer relationships. No one should put up with abuse, and seeking support and assistance is not a show of weakness; rather, it is a brave move toward ending a damaging cycle.
What To Do If Your Girlfriend Hits You — 7 Ways To Protect Yourself
Remember, playful hitting is different from violence. You may ask, “Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me on my shoulder with love?” Tell us this. Does it harm you? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does she keep going even if you’re not in the mood to be teased? If not, then you’re still in a healthy relationship. But if you find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend is physically harming you, it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. Dealing with an aggressive girlfriend requires taking steps to protect your well-being and seeking help.
Nandita says, “Seeking expert assistance is crucial when a girlfriend starts to severely mistreat you in your own home. Professionals have the knowledge to delve deeply into the psychological, behavioral, and emotional factors behind the violence. To effectively address these challenges, they can provide direction, methods, and therapeutic approaches.”
Although ending an abusive relationship can be difficult, it is a brave move toward guaranteeing your health and taking back control of your life. Here are seven steps to protect yourself from physical abuse:
1. Remove yourself from immediate danger
“My girlfriend slapped me twice in a week. I went numb. I kept thinking of reasons why my girlfriend is mad at me instead of calling her out on her abusive behavior,” shares Pete (name changed), a reader from New Jersey. If this happens to you, prioritize your physical safety.
If possible, leave the immediate vicinity to avoid further harm. Keep an escape plan ready if you are in a domestic partnership. Go to a public place or a friend or family member’s house if you can. Try to remain calm and discuss the worst-case scenarios with your loved one(s) to get them out of your head.
2. Call the authorities
“My girlfriend beats me” is not something we hear often, and societal stigma plays a huge role here. Contact the authorities or emergency services if you are in immediate danger or have been injured. Law enforcement can and should ensure your safety and provide you with legal protection without disbelieving you.
Addressing this relationship issue immediately is very crucial for you. If you have been injured, seek medical attention promptly. It’s essential to document any injuries, as this can be important if you decide to involve the legal system. Especially if you think your partner can perpetuate violence again.
4. Talk to someone you trust
A case study in the International Journal of Environment, Ecology, Family and Urban Studies (IJEEFUS) discussed that men find it much harder to get out of the trauma of violence because of the disbelief and stereotyped reaction from their friends and families. Which is why we cannot overemphasize the importance of seeking help.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who can provide emotional validation, support, and guidance. Share your experience with someone who can help you through this difficult time. We hope, with time, you go from “Why does my girlfriend hit me?” to “I need to get out of this relationship.”
5. Consider a restraining order
Nothing good can come from staying with someone who hit you. If you fear for your safety and need legal protection, consult with an attorney about obtaining a restraining order or a protective order against your girlfriend. This can legally prevent her from approaching you or your residence or workplace.
It’s not normal for your girlfriend to hit you and this problem should be addressed immediately
6. Document the abuse
A common question: “My girlfriend is abusing me, what should I do to prove that?”Keep a record of any incidents of physical abuse, including photos, videos, dates, times, locations, and descriptions of what occurred. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to involve law enforcement or seek a restraining order.
Reach out to a therapist who specializes in domestic violence or relationship issues. If you have been contemplating, “Why does my girlfriend hit me?”, then seeking such guidance can help you navigate the maze of questions in your head. Just so you know, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.
Nandita says, “Because counselors maintain strict secrecy, seeking counseling in situations of domestic violence can create a safe environment. Restraining orders, contacting law authorities to protect immediate safety, or requesting aid from domestic violence shelters and support organizations are just a few examples of legal actions that can be taken.”
Key Pointers
No matter one’s gender, educational qualifications, or ‘status’ in society, anyone can be a perpetrator or victim of abuse. Safety should always come first
Using physical force in relationships is never acceptable and can result in physical and emotional scarring that lasts a lifetime
Violent outbursts of your girlfriend can be a coping mechanism for excessive anger or anxiety brought on by unresolved emotional difficulties and past traumas
Hostility in a partner might accumulate as a result of relationship stress, disputes, or tension, which can cause emotional outbursts and occasional physical violence
To address the root causes of abuse and create coping and healing methods, professional assistance is advised
Seek help from the law or friends/family or social services, document the abuse, get a restraining order, or move out of your house to somewhere safe to get yourself out of harm’s way
The act of violence within a romantic relationship is a deeply concerning issue that demands both attention and action. While it is essential to understand some of the possible reasons behind domestic violence, it is equally crucial to emphasize that there is never a valid justification for abuse.
Recognizing that you are a victim of domestic violence is the first step toward seeking help and taking action to protect yourself. It is essential to reach out to professionals, support networks, and organizations dedicated to assisting individuals facing domestic violence. It is equally important for society as a whole to raise awareness about domestic violence, challenge harmful gender stereotypes, and promote healthy relationship dynamics. Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging situation.
Source: Tommaso Boddi LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – JULY 13: DomiNque Perry attends the red carpet premiere of the HBO Max Original Comedy Series “RAP SH!T” at Hammer Museum on July 13, 2022.
Insecure star DomiNque Perry has accused her former co-star and co-parent, Sarunas J. Jackson, of abuse inside an explosive declaration filed in California Superior Court Nov. 28, according to court documents obtained by People. The complaint was filed two weeks after the actress alluded to being a victim of abuse on social media.
According the petition filed Tuesday, Perry alleged that she “experienced emotional volatility,” “intimidation” and “bullying” from Jackson and members of his family over the past five years. The actress, who starred as Tasha on Insecure, also claimed that she endured “undeserved stress” as well as “mental and physical abuse” due to Jackson and his relatives’ “controlling and narcissistic behavior.”
Perry, who shares a 5-year-old daughter named Zen with the Games People Play star, maintained that she was never romantically involved with the actor. Inside her petition, the Get Hard actress claimed that Jackson has constantly “blamed” her for their daughter being “on the Autism Spectrum.”
“I was always nervous because I felt that I wasn’t ever good enough by the Petitioner and the family,” the complaint added, according to People.
Perry claimed that Jackson choked her during a “heated” conversation in March 2020.
According to the filing, in March 2020, Perry alleged that Jackson choked her after they had a “heated” conversation about “a person in the industry,” Radar Online noted. As their conversation became hostile, the star alleged that the 33-year-old actor “began to repeatedly call her “stupid” and allegedly said, “you talk to your mother like that, not me.” When tensions flared, Jackson allegedly “became more angry and grabbed” Perry by the throat and started “choking” her.
During the heated dispute, Zen came out of her room and began to cry. Perry claimed that Jackson let her neck go once their daughter entered the room. “He was so angry that he had blood coming from his mouth where he bit his tongue,” the declaration stated.
Jackson allegedly returned to Perry’s residence “a few weeks later” with “scratches all over his neck and face,” according to the filing. “I asked what happened and he stated ‘he cornered his mom and they were fighting.’ The choking on his behalf is the norm. He is violent with women,” Perry, who is also embroiled in a heated custody battle with Jackson, alleged.
In his response declaration filed Nov. 16, Jackson vehemently denied Perry’s claims of abuse.
“It is unclear where Respondent’s allegations of emotional volatility and intimidation are coming from,” his declaration stated. “My family and I have always welcomed Respondent with open arms, inviting her to family events and showing her love and support in more ways than one. In return, Respondent has defamed my character to others, making them believe I am an absent father.”
Jackson penned that he worried Perry’s allegations would result in “repercussions” for his acting career.
The complaint comes just a few weeks after Keke Palmer was granted a temporary restraining order against Darius Jackson, Sarunas’ younger brother.
As previously reported, Palmer, 30, was granted a domestic violence restraining order against Darius Jackson — the father of her 8-month-old son, Leodis. The Nope star alleged that Darius assaulted her on more than one occasion. During one heated dispute, Palmer alleged that Darius “lunged” at her neck and “physically attacked” her after he “trespassed” into her home. Under the order, Darius must stay 100 yards away from Palmer and their son until further notice.
Perry posted a meme of Michael Jackson eating popcorn shortly after Keke Palmer’s mother, Sharon, put the brothers on blast for their alleged abusive behavior. Some netizens pondered whether she was making fun of Palmer’s situation, but the actress clarified her intention in a statement posted to Instagram Nov. 10.
“There was a repost of a post I made on yesterday. (There’s situations where you laugh to keep from crying.) Let me give clarity. I would never laugh at ANYONE that is subject to domestic abuse, female or male. As it’s known abuse comes in different definitions, silent and physical,” she wrote, hinting that she was also a victim of abuse.
“Only the people enduring such behavior truly understand the effect. Women have been manipulated, abused, lied on for centuries, and put their head down for fear of not being believed. We need to stop being afraid.”
Perry added:
“I may not be at the highest platform in my career just yet to be heard and/or supported by the public, but whenever that time comes, everyone will listen. God is in control of my steps and I’ll respond accordingly. I will be vindicated in his timing.”
Sean “Diddy” Combs and R&B singer Cassie reached a settlement Friday in an incendiary lawsuit she filed the day before accusing the mogul and entrepreneur of rape and a “cycle of abuse” during their decade-plus relationship.
No details of the settlement were released, though Combs’ attorney previously accused Cassie of seeking an eight-figure payout in recent months. Combs had denied the allegations through his attorney.
Cassie dated the famed hip-hop producer for about 11 years before they split in 2018. She filed her sex trafficking and sexual assault lawsuit against him in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of New York just days before the expiration of a “lookback window” that allowed adults who alleged they were sexually abused to sue despite the statute of limitations having run out.
“I have decided to resolve this matter amicably on terms that I have some level of control,” the singer, who sued under her legal name Casandra Ventura, said in a statement issued through her legal team. “I want to thank my family, fans and lawyers for their unwavering support.”
Combs issued a similar statement, saying, “We have decided to resolve this matter amicably. I wish Cassie and her family all the best. Love.”
Ventura’s attorney, Douglas Wigdor, said he was “very proud of Ms. Ventura for having the strength to go public with her lawsuit. She ought to be commended for doing so.”
In the lawsuit, the 37-year-old Ventura accused Combs, 54, of raping her in her home after she tried to leave him; physically attacking and injuring her; forcing her to engage in sex acts with male sex workers while filming the encounters; running around with a firearm; introducing her to “a lifestyle of excessive alcohol and substance abuse”; and requiring her “to procure illicit prescriptions to satisfy his own addictions.”
According to the lawsuit, Ventura met Combs in 2005, when she was 19 and he was 37. After signing her to his label, the suit alleges, Combs took control of her professional and personal life, and began sexual and physically abusing her with increasing frequency.
“He signed her to his label, Bad Boy Records, and within a few years, lured Ms. Ventura into an ostentatious, fast-paced and drug-fueled lifestyle, and into a romantic relationship with him — her boss, one of the most powerful men in the entertainment industry, and a vicious, cruel, and controlling man nearly two decades her senior,” the lawsuit said.
Diddy’s lawyer, Ben Brafman, said in a statement to The Times Thursday that his client “vehemently” denied the “offensive and outrageous allegations” and accused Ventura of being “persistent” in demanding more than $30 million from Diddy for the last six months.
Brafman added that the lawsuit — which also named Combs’ businesses Bad Boy Entertainment and Bad Boy Records among the defendants, as well as Epic Records and Combs Enterprises LLC — was “riddled with baseless and outrageous lies, aiming to tarnish Mr. Combs’ reputation and seeking a payday.”
Times staff writers Nardine Saad, Emily St. Martin and Stacy Perman contributed to this report.
Resources for survivors of sexual assault
If you or someone you know is the victim of sexual violence, you can find support using RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call (800) 656-HOPE or visit online.rainn.org to speak with a trained support specialist.
On Thursday, Cassiefiled a shocking lawsuit against her famous ex Diddy, claiming he abused her for over a decade. The singer, born Casandra Ventura, said the music mogul would abuse her and then hide her from the public. The suit reads:
“Throughout their relationship Mr. Combs was prone to uncontrollable rage, and frequently beat Ms. Ventura savagely.”
He would then, the suit goes on to claim, put his battered GF up in a hotel somewhere nice for a week, sweeping it all under the rug — and she’d come out showing none of the damage:
“After every instance in which he beat Ms. Ventura, Mr. Combs used his money and power to orchestrate extensive efforts to hide the evidence of his abuse, including by hiding Ms. Ventura in hotels for days at a time to let her bruises heal.”
But at least one time we have seen Cassie with her face all bloodied and bruised.
In the hours since her lawsuit went public, tons of old interviews and stories about Diddy have resurfaced. But this may be the most compelling image we’ve seen. Cassie posted a photo on her Instagram back in 2014, showing off her face with a huge cut on her forehead and a fat lip.
The caption of the since-deleted post was chipper enough, as she showed off her sunglasses:
“New #raybans on my way home #toomuchfun #Dubai”
But the image… See for yourself.
(c) Cassie/Instagram
As mentioned, the photo has been long since deleted, apparently pretty quickly after it went up. We can tell it’s real because of coverage at the time — but the post itself was gone FAST. Thankfully some fan managed to screengrab it. Because it may end up being evidence…
So why didn’t anyone accuse Diddy at the time? Well, looking back, the story going around was that Cassie had gotten herself banged up in an ATV accident while partying in Dubai. But was that just a story? Another way Diddy covered it up? Because too many people saw her??
If so, how interesting that Cassie even posted the pic. If this really was evidence of abuse, and not an ATV crash, this could have been a cry for help. Cassie sending up a flare for someone to see… and no one noticed??
Heartbreaking to think about.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, or go to https://www.thehotline.org/.
