KINGSTON, RI—In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty jetty and calling out to sea. “In our survey of single Americans, we found that women expressed a growing dissatisfaction with online dating, preferring instead to place themselves upon a fog-enshrouded seaside bluff where they could await potential mates with arms open wide, their dresses swaying in the brackish wind,” said sociologist Helen David, who conducted extensive interviews with singles between the ages of 28 and 43, discovering that women who deleted dating apps from their phones and attempted the method were six times more likely to meet a passionate, lovelorn wanderer from afar. “This generation appears to have become disillusioned with the superficiality of meeting people online, and we see a broader trend of women returning to old-fashioned methods of matchmaking, such as setups from friends, singles mixers, and whispering ‘Return to me’ into the dark horizon as they stand alone amid the moonlit cliffs along the craggy shore.” David went on to note that the ghostly apparitions of gentle sailors lost at sea, however, still overwhelmingly preferred to use Tinder.
