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I’m a straight male who is not well endowed — I’m at the edge of the scale used to describe average penis size — and I watch porn both alone and with my wife. I suddenly find myself becoming more and more fascinated with larger penises. Specifically: What is it like to have one?
Like most straight guys, I’ve never touched a penis other than my own. I’ve spent my entire life fondling one penis. I want to touch another penis but — and I mean this very sincerely — not for a sexual purpose. I want to experience what a well-endowed penis owner experiences daily. What is it like to wash a large penis while showering? Or to hold it while pissing? Or to feel it in your hand while adjusting yourself? What does it feel like to stand at a urinal and pull a snake out of your pants and feel a stream of piss coursing through all that meat you’re holding in your hand?
Is there a way I can do this? I imagine going into a gay bar and asking the bartender to point me to the patron with the biggest dick. And then going up to that patron and politely asking if he would let me follow him to the bathroom when he needs to piss, stand behind him, and then pull his huge snake out of his pants and hold it for him while he pees. No sex. No implication of such. I just want to know what it feels like to be the owner of a massive cock for a few moments.
Help me, Dan. What is the protocol here?
I’ve Been Shorted
Oh, there’s a protocol here — we’ll get to that protocol in a moment — but first I wanna unpack the totally insane assumptions you’re making.
Insane Assumption #1: Gay men will do anything.
Insane Assumption #2: Gay men are so into straight men — we’re so desperate for the attention of straight guys — that we’ll do whatever some random straight guy wants. That includes letting random straight men stand directly behind us and hold our cocks while we’re pissing because that’s totally not something a serial killer or a jealous ex-boyfriend would ask you to do moments before slitting your throat and then leaving you to bleed out on the bathroom floor.
Insane Assumption #3: Gay men disclose their cock sizes to the bartenders in gay bars when we buy our first beer and/or the bartenders in gay bars have fucked every man in the bar (not an entirely insane assumption) and bartenders in gay bars are happy to direct random patrons — especially nervous straight guys giving first-time-in-a-gay-bar energy — to the gay guys with the biggest cocks (an entirely insane assumption) because that’s a perfectly normal thing for a bartender who doesn’t wanna lose his job to do.
But while I don’t want you going into gay bars and asking bartenders to point out the guys with the biggest dicks, IBS, I also don’t want you — and I mean this very sincerely — to give up on your dream of holding a pissing snake in your hand. But to make your dream come true, IBS, you’re gonna have pay for the privilege like all the other perverts.
That’s the protocol here.
I know, I know: You’re not a pervert! You want to hold another man’s cock for him while he pisses, not for you while he pisses! (So selfless!) You will derive no sexual pleasure — none at all — once you’re pressed up behind a man while he stands at a urinal taking the kind of long, leisurely piss guys with massive cocks are famous for taking. But since any guy who lets you hold his massive cock is 1. highly unlikely to believe you aren’t getting a sexual thrill from it and 2. highly unlikely to let you hold or wash or adjust his cock if there isn’t something in it for him — and being fondled by a straight guy isn’t something (it’s not anything) — your search for a hung guy who’ll do this for free is going to be a long and fruitless one.
So, if you actually wanna make this happen, IBS, paying for the privilege is your only realistic option. Which means you need to direct your polite requests to your local male sex workers, traveling porn stars, and other men who enjoy showing off the goods on social media, IBS, and not to bartenders. But open a Venmo account first.
P.S. I shared your question with Leo Louis, a gay porn star who is famous for his staggeringly huge cock. “When you’re gay and well-endowed, you get to pick and choose who you interact with sexually, and rarely do I feel like doing volunteer work,” Louis replied via text. “That said, I’m often a sort of toy among my group of friends. They play with my cock and brag about my size as if my cock is an extension of the group. I’ve had multiple friends hold my cock while I piss — that and other bathroom stall activities — but a random straight man is on the bottom of my list of people to entertain. Maybe if you get me a drink or something I’d let you feel it. LOL.”
P.P.S. Large or small, gay or straight, sex worker or sex volunteer, etc., we all get to pick and choose who we interact with sexually, as I’m sure Louis would agree.
P.P.P.S. I’ve touched a lot of penises other than my own — more men have allowed me to pull their cocks out of their pants than I can count (usually while I was facing them, IBS, and not when they needed to pee (well, not usually) — and I’ve never heard a gay man refer to his cock or anyone else’s cock as a “snake.” So, best not to use that word while you’re making those polite approaches.
I have a friend of many decades who has a kind of quirk. The drunker he is, the gayer he is. If he is 100% sober, he is adamant that he is 100% straight. If he is a little drunk, he is a little bicurious. If he is blackout drunk, he will kiss men and fully admit to being bisexual and skewing towards men. Once when he was blackout drunk, he propositioned his wife’s ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to have any problems with gay people at any stage of sobriety, he is just adamant he is not gay when he is not intoxicated. My question is, should I tell him that absolutely everyone, wife, kids, friends, employer, coworkers has seen him talk about liking men since sadly, he gets blackout drunk fairly frequently? We just want him to be happy.
Helping One Man Out
You have a phone, HOMO, and unless you’re one of those modern luddites, your phone has a built-in camera that records video — all you gotta do is point it at someone and press record. So, the next time your Not Gay Friend is drunk and hitting on his wife’s ex-boyfriend and telling on himself, whip out your phone record a video. Not to post publicly — not to shame or blackmail him or out — but to show him, HOMO, and only him the next time he denies being even the tiniest bit interested in men. Pull him aside, open the video, and press play. Seeing it on video will convince him to stop lying or stop drinking or stop both.
Read the rest of this week’s column here! And on the Lovecast: Sometimes on a sex advice podcast, you have to call a veterinarian. A man’s new girlfriend, (a professed “animal lover,”) lets the cat hump her leg to completion. He thinks this is kind of gross. Dan brings on a veterinarian from Seattle’s Urban Animal to confirm if it is indeed “gross.”
On the Magnum, we all know that LENGTH DOES NOT MATTER. But what about… girth? Sex researcher Dr. Debby Herbenick is on to talk about the physiology of female pleasure. Also, she and Dan discuss the continuing bewildering popularity of choking. Listen here!
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Dan Savage
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