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How to get over a breakup when you feel hopeless and like nothing will help. You are probably feeling like nobody understands and that there is nothing that can make you feel better right now. You will come through the other side of this experience stronger and feeling yourself again. It just takes a bit of guidance and patience. Here are some things that can help.

Try to force some routine into your life. Whether its something as small as making sure you shower once a day or making sure you brush your teeth in the morning. Try to force some form of normality into your life and keep up personal hygiene routines. This will feel like a challenge when you are wallowing in your sadness about the breakup but it will help you feel a little more put together and force your mind to notice some kind of normality.

Say yes to social events and activities. I know, the last thing you feel like doing is putting on your gym wear and going to a fitness class. Besides you may be feeling like you can’t stop crying for long enough to go! Try to find the motivation to at least get ready and show up even if you don’t stay for the whole time. Socialise and take part in activities that boost your confidence even if you don’t feel like it will at the start.

Get rid of the triggers. Yes ,I know you won’t want to do this one because ‘what if we get back together?’. You will be ever hopeful during this stage, thinking things will go back to how they were and you will be with your ex again. If you can’t bring yourself to get rid of things permanently yet, get rid of them temporarily. Hand things to a friend or family member to look after until you are ready. You could also put any photos onto a memory stick and do the same. Hide your ex from social media platforms if you can’t bring yourself to delete or block them. Maybe take yourself off social media for a while until you have healed a little from this.

Talk to someone. We don’t mean a friend or family member. Yes this can help a little but it won’t give you the professional guidance necessary to get you through this experience. Talking through the thoughts and feelings you are noticing will help you make sense of them. A professional can help you to develop positive coping mechanisms.

Book a FREE telephone session with breakup help here to get started on your journey to recovery.

Their Story

Alana’s (INFJ) and David’s (ISTP) love story is one that defies the stereotypes that Intuitives and Sensors shouldn’t be together. And like many love stories, theirs show us how different personality types can succeed together, as long as they are committed to understanding and appreciating each other’s differences.

What is an INFJ – ISTP relationship like? Are INFJ and ISTP compatible? Read on to find out.

Derek: How did you two meet? Tell us the story.

Alana (INFJ): One afternoon when I went out to check the mailbox I heard the most heavenly voice floating across the street. And then when I opened the mailbox I saw a flyer about a band called Giffen who were holding a backyard music session just across the road. I could have easily missed this had I not gone to the mailbox at exactly that time. And I couldn’t believe my luck because it was there [at the concert] that I met Marie. And Marie was the one who introduced me to David (ISTP), a lovely guy from Colombia who became my next housemate.

David (ISTP) was the happiest guy I had ever met. One afternoon while I was at work he decided to clean the kitchen. And I mean, clean the kitchen. I found him on the afternoon in question with bright yellow gloves working on the kitchen bench which was all soaped up to within an inch of its life. The best part of all was when he looked up with the biggest smile on his face. After all the chronic cleaning challenges I went through with my previous housemate, I felt as if I had died and gone to heaven.

Derek: I can attest to ISTPs being very chill, friendly, easygoing, and show their appreciation by performing acts of service, like cleaning or chores, oftentimes things that INFJs would find emotionally tiring.

Alana (INFJ): David (ISTP) is very affectionate, takes me out for dinners and breakfasts, helps me with cleaning at home, took me to Colombia to meet his family.

Derek: How did you guys end up getting together?

Alana: As the weeks turned into months David (ISTP) and I built a strong friendship. He told me that he was amazed by my entrepreneurial spirit. We did lovely things together such as going on bike rides and taking walks along the beachfront. He even took me to dinner at a beautiful Thai restaurant one night because he was so appreciative of the support I had given him.

While this was going on, I started to notice a problem with my eyes. I could actually feel my eyes rolling back into my head on my cycle home from work one day. It was hard to keep them focused on the road in front of me. Initially I thought it was just an eye issue so I organized to see an optometrist. She suggested that the problem was that my eyes were dry, so she gave me eye drops and sent me on my way. Needless to say, the eye drops didn’t fix the problem. Then on a Monday morning when I was in a team meeting at work I felt my eyes roll back into my head. I applied pressure to my eyes with the palms of my hands and my sight came back momentarily. But my eyes rolled back again.

David (ISTP) headed straight to my doctor’s surgery so that he could walk me home when he heard what had happened. He literally led the way and let me see through his eyes. When we got home, I laid on the couch with my eyes still rolling back into my head while David (ISTP) leaned over to place a sweet kiss on each of my eyelids. And then he moved on and gently kissed me on the lips.

I didn’t know what to think at first. I wondered how a housemate could turn into something more. But this wasn’t something that I needed to think about because the more time we spent with each other, the more inseparable we became.

Not long after that first kiss David (ISTP) moved into my room and we found a new housemate for the room that David (ISTP) used to have.

Derek: That’s touching. I can imagine how moved you must have been during your time of need when David (ISTP) was there for you. So you started off as friends before taking the relationship to the next level? 

Alana (INFJ): Yes, initially we were just friends. We spent a lot of time with each other on what I can now look back on as dates, but I just saw him as a friendly guy at the time, and it wasn’t until he told me on messages that he wanted to be my man that I considered a relationship with him.

Derek: That’s cute. It seemed like you two were going on what would seem like dates, like walks on the beachfront, bike rides together, before it was clear it was romantically motivated. As an introvert, and a typically passive personality, David (ISTP) was probably going out of his comfort zone in pursuing you! Or he really likes you. Was it from when he helped you home and kissed you that you started to see each other romantically? 

Alana (INFJ): Yes from that day we grew our relationship. David (ISTP) had already begun messaging me a lot and even went so far as he wishing he were taller so I would consider him my man (he is a tiny bit shorter than me) .

Derek: What was David (ISTP) like in the dating phase? Did you do most of the pursuing or did he? What kind of dates did you go on? 

Alana (INFJ): David (ISTP) was, and still is, the sweetest guy. He took me out to a beautiful Thai restaurant as what can now been seen as a date. We continued to go for walks, coffees and breakfast at the local cafe in the dating phase. We didn’t date for long because we made our relationship official pretty quickly as we were living together. Not long after he kissed me, we decided to live in the same room and get a housemate for his old room.  

Derek: How has being with David (ISTP) changed your own view on relationships or what it means to love someone? What has changed about you since being with David (ISTP)?

Alana (INFJ): My view on relationships changed in that I realized when I needed to make a decision that affected both of us, I need to ensure he is 100% in agreement before going ahead. This realization has reflected positively into my work life as well. I’ve become more giving and loving. Just last weekend to celebrate my apartment, I organized a surprise dinner for David (ISTP)’s family of 9 to enjoy in Colombia. They video called us while they were having dinner in Colombia and my family and I were having lunch in Australia – the first time our parents “met”. The language gap between English and Spanish was no barrier to the connection. I would have never have done something so giving before I met David (ISTP).

Derek: What do you love most about David (ISTP)? 

Alana (INFJ): I love David’s (ISTP) good heart and his generosity. He is so giving with his time and treats everyone with respect. He is also very family oriented and would do anything for his family. In fact, he is over in Colombia as we speak, to be with his family while the coronavirus is happening. He is so trusting, with such a sweet nature. He has taught me many things, including how to be more generous with my time and closer to my family. I spent 5.5 weeks in Colombia with his family in December / January 2019, and it was the most lovely weeks of my life. Never had I felt so welcomed. When we arrived in Bogota, Colombia at 3am, all his family was there at the airport to welcome us. None of them speak English, but they had made a sign in English which read “Welcome to Colombia Alana”. I cried tears of happiness.

In return, David loves that I am a good person. He loves my entrepreneurial spirit, and has seen me set up a private coaching business to work with clients on their mental health, and this is in addition to my day job at a Big 4 Australian bank.

Derek: It’s kind of surprising that an ISTP would be more family oriented and generous with their time than an INFJ would. It sort of goes against the perceived stereotypes people have of these personality types. People normally would assume the INFJ is the caring partner who has their family’s and other’s needs top of mind, and the ISTP is the one to only want to contact or talk occasionally, preferring passively to do their own thing most of the time. Maybe it has something to do with Colombian culture and emphasis on family?

Look for your personality’s best match!