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Although there is many a gut-punching track on Lily Allen’s West End Girl (all presented mostly in that signature and misleadingly “chirpy” way of hers), perhaps one that stands out especially for those who have lately been goaded or mocked for being relationship “traditionalists” is “Nonmonogamummy” featuring Specialist Moss. Interestingly, it’s also the only song on the album that 1) has a featured artist and 2) possesses the ska/reggae/drum ‘n’ bass sound that Allen made “mainstream” on her debut Alright, Still.
That Allen should choose to discuss, via her signature sound of sarcasm, an unmitigated disdain for the idea of nonmonogamy (with polyamory sometimes serving as an incorrect synonym for that term) through the most sonically unique track on the album ought to say something about just how much she wants her sentiments to really “pop.” And oh, how they do. Starting with the opening verse, “I don’t wanna fuck with anyone else/I know that’s all you wanna do/I’m so committed that I’d lose myself/‘Cause I don’t wanna lose you.”
And with just those four lines, Allen cuts to the core of why so many who are reluctant to “explore” nonmonogamy eventually get coerced into it by the person in the relationship who does want to “cast a wider net.” Alas, the Allens of the relationship don’t want to deal with the pain of losing the person, and would instead prefer to dabble in the pain of staying in a marriage or “situation” that has been “opened” mostly against their will. As was the case for Allen, who not only grudgingly conceded to the arrangement, but then had it backfire when, as she tells her now ex-husband (whose name everyone is aware of) on “Tennis,” “You moved the goalposts/You’ve broken the rules/I tried to accommodate/But you took me for a fool.”
Among the rules he broke, as per “Madeline,” were, “Be discreet and don’t be blatant/There had to be payment/It had to be with strangers.” Needless to say, “Mr. H” wasn’t up to the task. Leading Allen to bemoan on “Nonmonogamummy,” “I changed my immigration status/For you to treat me like a stranger/Why do I feel like such a failure?/A life with you looked good on paper.” But, as it turns out, the “Ex and the City” episode of SATC was right to point that the “good on paper” guy (de facto, the life with him) rarely works out. Try as Allen might to have accommodated his various “nonmonogamy” needs, sardonically declaring, “I’ve been trying to be open/I just want to meet your needs/And for some reason I revert to people pleasing/I’ll be your nonmonogamummy/I’m just trying to be open.”
The mordant tinge in her voice only persists as she describes, “We built a palace on the perfect street/You really sold me on a dream/And now I’m looking at my Tinder/Or maybe I’m more of a Hinger.” The lack of interest in being on any of these apps is made patently clear by her tone. A going-through-the-motions timbre that further indicates her aversion to the entire endeavor.
The Specialist Moss contributions layer on the feelings of betrayal as he offers such “male perspective” vocals as, “Hearts get broken/She look inna mi eyes and say, ‘You have no emotions.’” Obviously, “Mr. H” wasn’t quite so willing to cop to his harmful behavior, instead probably seeing it as “only natural.” Indeed, Allen is among the few people in the current non-Republican climate willing to not portray the notion of polyamory or an open marriage as très chic. Whereas, elsewhere in pop culture, it’s been steadily becoming “the thing.” Take, for instance, the 2023 article in The New Yorker (dropped on Christmas Day, no less) titled, “How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?” and featuring the subtitle, “Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual nonmonogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.” And, talking of Park Slope marriages, Carroll Gardens, where Allen inhabited her “palace” with “Mr. H” is just a stone’s throw from there. So no, contrary to the belief that relationships can be all “la-di-da” in their openness (particularly in Brooklyn), Allen would like to remind that the logistics (and even the non-logistics, as the heart is never “logical”) of being “open” are, well, horrible.
This prompted Allen’s interviewer for Perfect magazine, Alex Bilmes, to comment, “The album paints a very unflattering portrait of the idea of open marriage. People have had open marriages for centuries, of course. But it does seem to have become somehow part of the culture lately, the idea of polyamorous relationships, multiple partners. And it strikes me that women are made to feel sort of uncool or uptight if they don’t go along with it, because it’s the modern way of being.” Allen replied, “Do I think that that’s true? Yeah, I do. And it seems to me that younger people find it easier to embrace as a concept. Maybe the 2.4-children-nuclear-family thing has not been rammed down their throats quite as much, so it’s not so much in their wiring. But it’s not something I ever thought about when I was younger or going into either one of my marriages.”
However, if she didn’t think about it before, she was certainly made to in her second marriage and in her “second city,” New York. The place that she’s now currently deciding on whether she wants to remain in or not, even if only “part-time.” Because, honestly, what’s the point? Then again, London is notorious for its more invasive press, so that doesn’t necessarily appeal to Allen either (though she did just set up “a new shop” there in the form of buying a “flat”).
Soon after the abovementioned question in the Perfect interview, Bilmes asked Allen something with an obvious answer, “Do you find the idea of an open marriage appealing?” She responded, “No… I guess it’s just my attachment style. I grew up in a really unstable household. Neither of my parents was particularly present. And so what I craved in adulthood from my relationships was to be centered. And I’m not particularly interested in anything else.” But lo and behold, that’s what she was made to be interested in for a time, trying her best and “failing.” And yes, Allen admittedly comes from a generation where the polyamory thing was less “on the table.”
To boot, her own personal background all but assured that she would want a more stable kind of relationship/family of her own. So does that somehow make her a “Boring Barbie” (side note: Charli XCX might have allegedly called Taylor Swift that, but she would never say it of Allen)? Not really. It just makes her someone who knows, once and for all, that she does want the whole monogamy “fantasy” (since it’s the on-trend thing to deride monogamy as quaint or passé or never even really possible, but everyone just had to pretend like it was because divorce and/or being single was frowned upon “back in the day”). And that, no, she will not, in fact, be your nonmonogamummy.
It’s an antithetical-to-the-culture message that comes at a moment when wanting “the fairy tale” has never been less “cool.” That Allen could still concede to wanting it after the heartbreak of her marriage to “Mr. H” is perhaps the ultimate testament to the idea that monogamy isn’t a “choice” or an “indoctrination,” but a way of being for some. Though clearly not others. And so those two types of ideologically opposed people probably shouldn’t “link up.” Granted, in Allen’s defense, “Mr. H” wasn’t exactly forthcoming about his “predilections” from the outset. A fatal error on his part, but a boon for pro-monogamists and listeners of West End Girl.
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Genna Rivieccio
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