Is an Only Child Enough?

We all imagine the family we want. For some, it’s replicating the family of a friend or our own. It might include many siblings, one sibling, or no siblings at all.

Historically, what has been considered the traditional family—a boy for you and a girl for me—has dominated most people’s thinking. Although many still say they want two children, the reality is that’s not what’s happening. Rather, the one-child family is the fastest-growing family unit in the U.S. and throughout developed countries.

Those of childbearing age demonstrate no need to fit the bygone family formula—two parents, two kids. Nonetheless, many experience a nagging feeling to persist in this approach to family. That highlights the importance of recognizing status quo expectations for what they are, instead of giving in to them.

Like many women today, I was older when I had a child. Within a month of my child’s birth, people were quizzing me: When are you having another? How can you do that to your child? I started to wonder what could be so problematic about having one child and embarked on a decades-long investigation of only children.

Being “One and Done”

Today more than ever, science doesn’t hold up to the single child stereotypes that, fortunately, are fading fast: Only children are not particularly lonely or selfish or bossy as children or adults. In fact, the benefits of being an only child and being the parent of one are substantial.

Here’s some of what I learned when gathering stories and research for my new book, Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child. The thoughts and comments are emblematic of the increasing acceptance of “one and done.” The changing attitudes go a long way in explaining the significant drop in birthrates now occurring.

The U.S. birthrate is now the lowest it has ever been, at 1.6 children per woman, according to Statista—and we’re not alone. “Fertility levels of less than two births per woman are becoming the global norm,” the United Nations notes in its “World Fertility 2024” report released earlier this year. “In over half of all countries and areas (55 percent), with more than two-thirds of the global population, the fertility level is below 2.1 births per woman.”

Juliet was 43 when she gave birth to her son, and it was the expense of infertility treatments that led her to forgo having more children. Such costs are frequently the deciding factor for parents who choose to have only one child. “When I was younger, I thought two was my number. As I got older, I worried about my fertility,” she says. “To have a baby took two expensive rounds of IVF, and, of course, they were not covered by insurance. We felt lucky to have a viable embryo and then fortunate to have a healthy child. We agreed to call it quits. We decided not to tempt the fates anymore.”

Similarly, Ingrid, who also started her family at a later age, took the pressure off herself when she accepted that she didn’t have the fortitude to face infertility drugs or the possible sadness of another miscarriage.

You could simply conclude that a second child is not right for you, that one more tiny human to raise may unravel your work-family balance or the intimacy you have with your partner. Or you may determine that a second child is not financially feasible or that you want to prioritize your career.

Acknowledging your desires and limitations is helpful. Self-awareness can help you decide. “I know myself; I’m a lazy, disorganized person who could not manage a larger family,” Francine confesses. “I know that about me.”

Well-documented research shows that mothers’ happiness and mental health drop as more children arrive. An Australian study of than 20,000 families led by Leah Ruppanner, who teaches sociology at the University of Melbourne, reviewed data collected over a period of 16 years. The subjects entered the study when their children were 1 year old. The researchers found that having second children affects parents’ mental health.

“Prior to childbirth, mothers and fathers report similar levels of time pressure. Once the first child is born, time pressure increases for both parents,” Ruppanner concluded. “Yet this effect is substantially larger for mothers than for fathers. Second children double parents’ time pressure, further widening the gap between mothers and fathers.” Time pressures and the stress they created didn’t diminish as children got older. Ruppanner’s findings held when children reached adolescence, a time when they tend to be more difficult and demanding.

Park the Guilty Feelings

No matter what the research reports and whether by choice or circumstance, many feel guilty or conflicted when they decide to stop after having one child. Then they move on. They realize that one child is just right for their family, irrespective of their preconceived notions.

“I simply didn’t have a ‘valid’ reason for having only one child, so everyone would think I was selfish,” one woman said. “Recognizing my fear of how I was perceived by others was a pivotal moment in realizing what I truly wanted, rather than what society told me I should want.

“I ultimately knew that my one child was perfect for me, for my family, and she was enough. Being the parent of one child, I was enough.”

Copyright @2025 by Susan Newman, PhD