SAINT PETER PORT, UK—Indicating that the passenger liner was unlikely to ever sail again, a full 3D scan conducted by deepwater seabed mapping company Magellan revealed Friday that the Titanic was completely ruined. “Unfortunately, after several exhaustive high-resolution, 360-degree scans of the famous ship, it’s clear that the Titanic is absolutely trashed,” said Magellan director Richard Parkinson, whose submersibles had yielded evidence that there was extensive structural damage to the bow and stern that would affect the ill-fated vessel’s seaworthiness. “The rust on the surface was not as superficial as we expected, and it appears to have penetrated deep into the hull. We were hoping we could get away with installing a new engine and updating the paint job, but the damage seems too great. That’s not even to mention that the boat is full of skeletons.” At press time, the completely totaled Titanic was sold for scrap.
