Dividing household chores evenly among couples – Starling Bank

Hayley Quinn is a relationship expert whose TED talk has been seen by almost three million people. She’s appeared on BBC1, Channel 4 and Sky. Here, Hayley shares advice on how to reframe conversations around unpaid labour in your relationship.

When Hayley Quinn started out as a relationship expert 15 years ago, couple dynamics were very different to how they are today, where the traditional breadwinner and homemaker model has declined, and the tech-driven ‘always on’ culture has made our lives busier than ever before.

“One of the most common questions my clients ask is how they can both feel loved and appreciated in their relationship, when they’re both expected to fulfil roles as the breadwinner, and manage the household too. Making time for their relationship can feel like an afterthought,” Hayley says.

Deciding how to divide unpaid labour at home, whether that’s typical chores or ‘life admin’ tasks such as paying the bills, is an issue that affects almost all UK couples. In fact, our new research suggests that couples are in complete disagreement on who does the most at home. For couples who don’t divide the housework equally, this means about five arguments about housework per month on average – rising to eight for couples who rely on just one person for the work.

That’s why we’ve launched our campaign for couples to ‘Share the Load’, in partnership with Hayley. We’ve also created a new online tool that helps couples keep track of their unpaid labour at home, to help prompt more open communication about sharing the load.

Hayley recognises that communication, or lack of it, is where couples’ disagreements can start. “The division of household tasks can feel entirely unromantic, even transactional, as you ask, ‘Who is dropping the kids off? Can you load the dishwasher? Did you remember to set up that direct debit?’” she says, “but there are ways to improve your communication.”

We asked Hayley more questions, to unpack the issues.

Q. Do household chores need to be divided equally in order to be fair?

It’s idealistic, but perhaps not realistic, that every payment, chore and piece of admin will be split equally. Life will throw plenty of challenges at couples: that could be a new baby, a redundancy, or a health issue.

As life circumstances and priorities change, the balance in relationships moves with them. That might mean, particularly at times of stress, that one partner takes on more of the load than the other.

That doesn’t have to mean it feels unfair. Both partners should be realistic that with all of life’s ups and downs, some give and take is to be expected.

Q. So how can we put a more positive light on conversations about chores?

While one person might feel that they contribute more to unpaid household tasks, and quite possibly do, in a lot of cases their partner will be actively trying to contribute in their own way. It always helps to start from a point of believing your partner is trying to contribute rather than constantly bringing attention to how they’re coming up short.

Simple gestures like praising your partner for stepping in to give you a break, or taking on a task you really hate, can mean the emotional climate of your relationship feels much more positive.