If you’re reading this, you probably know the value of the Mercury’s news reporting, arts and culture coverage, event calendar, and the bevy of events we host throughout the year. The work we do helps our city shine, but we can’t do it without your support. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support!

Good morning, Portland! We can expect toasty temps today, with a high of 91, but rest assured, we’re done with the triple digit heat wave for now.

Let’s get into the news.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Yesterday, Portland Fire, the city’s new WNBA team, announced the team’s new general manager. Vanja Černivec, who previously served as vice president of basketball operations for the Golden State Valkyries, has been tapped to lead operations for the city’s new WNBA team, which is expected to start holding games in 2026. Černivec will be responsible for recruiting a Portland Fire head coach and building a team roster.

• Speaking of announcements, we’ve got our own big news to share. Noisy Creek, the parent company of the Portland Mercury and Seattle’s The Stranger, recently added the Chicago Reader to its family of weeklies. The Reader, which has been around for more than 50 years, is a well-revered institution in the Windy City. Like the Mercury and Stranger, the alt-weekly has been churning out investigative journalism, long-form reporting, and top-notch arts and culture coverage for decades. Read more about the merger here.

• Fire crews are making progress on containing the Flat Fire, a nearly 22,000-acre blaze burning northeast of Sisters. Firefighters say threats from wind and flying embers still loom, but they’ve got more than 800 personnel assigned to the blaze. To date, four houses have been destroyed by the fire, which is burning in Deschutes County and is the largest active fire in Oregon. The cause of the fire is still under investigation.

• Temperatures are falling, which means it’s a great excuse to soak up the next four weeks of summer by getting out and exploring all the food, live music, summertime fairs and drag-tastic bingo events Portland has to offer. Check out a handy list of worthy things to do with your week in the latest installment of Do This; Do That. 

Soft serve ice cream, smooth jazz, and weekend block parties fit snugly within the hellscape of this week’s heatwave. Find your stay-cool strategy with Do This, Do That.

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) August 25, 2025 at 4:16 PM

If all your plans fall through, remember to at least go outside and touch grass. Really take in the flora and fauna. 

@oliviabrock95 #pettingzoo #hookerfarmsbyterrykennedy #animals #tennessee #farmanimals #duck #rapping #fyp ♬ original sound – jxvuf

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Remember when Trump threatened to turn the US military against Americans? After deploying National Guard troops in Washington, D.C., the Trump administration is now threatening to do the same in Chicago, in a move aimed at quelling crime and civil disturbances, despite no data to suggest crime is on the rise in any of the cities targeted for deployment. An executive order “aims to create specialized units in the National Guard” ABC7 Chicago notes, but the outlet also notes that Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson and Illinois Governor JB Pritzker say they haven’t received any communication from the White House. 

“Mr. President, do not come to Chicago. You are neither wanted here, nor needed here.” Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker responds to President Trump’s threats to send National Guard troops to Chicago.

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— MSNBC (@msnbc.com) August 25, 2025 at 1:51 PM

• An air strike on a hospital in Gaza killed 20 people, including five journalists. Among those killed, Mariam Dagga, a 33-year-old Palestinian freelance photographer who contracted with the Associated Press on several occasions to capture starvation and suffering brought on by the war on Gaza. Dagga’s images helped bring the ongoing war’s impact into focus across the globe, even amid denial of the severe malnutrition of children by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. As the AP notes, nearly 190 Palestinian journalists have been killed by Israeli fire while covering the deadly conflict.

• ICYMI: The US government bought a 10 percent ownership stake in Intel. The tech company, which has implemented heavy layoffs at its Hillsboro facilities in the past few months, agreed to issue up to 433 million shares of stock to the government. But as some tech industry watchdogs have noted, the money used to buy part of the company will come from money set aside in the CHIPS Act, which the government was already slated to dole out to Intel. Now, it seems that instead of expanding its facilities and adding thousands of jobs as it agreed to do in exchange for CHIPS Act funds, Intel is instead just giving a share of the company to the US government. 

That’s all for today. If you need us, we’ll be self-medicating.

@joepain711 #bellabea #dogsoftiktok #old #tired #lazy ♬ original sound – Cody Winklederp

Great news! (Especially if you’re a fan of the survival of newspapers and smart local media.) The Chicago Reader—one of the grand dames of alternative weeklies—is joining the Portland Mercury and Seattle’s The Stranger as the newest member of the Noisy Creek newspaper family! 

In case you’ve forgotten, Noisy Creek purchased the Mercury and The Stranger last summer, with the dream of growing a national network of alternative weeklies that serve their readerships by championing the arts, providing top-notch reporting, and platforming community voices. And unless you’ve been living in some other dimension that’s much nicer than our own, you already know that newspapers have been closing left and right, which leads to all sorts of community trouble—including a loss of civic engagement, increased political polarization, and fewer watchdogs to monitor local government corruption. The Chicago Reader has been fighting the good fight and delivering fearless journalism for more than five decades (!), and we could not be happier that we will be partnering with this highly respected and fun institution. (FWIW, the Reader was a huge inspiration for us when the Mercury kicked off in 2000—so you’ll forgive us if we “fan girl” a little over this great news!)

Anyway, here’s what the boss (Noisy Creek’s founder, Brady Walkinshaw) says about our new super team: “We are very excited to grow our model beyond the Pacific Northwest. By linking iconic weeklies like The Stranger, the Portland Mercury, and now the Chicago Reader, we’re showing how local journalism can thrive when communities, philanthropy, and creative business models work together. We are in a vital moment to sustain and grow strong local media for our democracy.”

If you’ve never checked out the Reader—it’s the bomb! Since 1971, the Reader has been Chicago’s best choice for investigative journalism, long-form reporting, and arts coverage, and Noisy Creek is determined to make this already great paper even better, by supporting the vision of their editorial department, while also helping them develop new revenue streams—which has proven to be very successful for both the Mercury and The Stranger. 

Just like us, the Chicago Reader has a laser-beam focus on informing and helping their community, so check them out (particularly if you’re in the Chicago area) and join us in welcoming our new sister into the fam! (Oh… and keep supporting local journalism. It’s more important than ever!)

Nice guys finished first at Helium Comedy Club’s competition for Portland’s Funniest Person 2025, with judges awarding JORDAN CASNER the coveted title and $3,000 in prize money on Sunday night. The stand-up’s winning set explored gift competition with past romantic rivals and what heights Luigi Mangione may have gone on to had he not allegedly shot and killed United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson. After all, in a comedy contest all that is serious becomes fair game and everything relatable skews profane.

The multi-round series—held annually since 2011—tested the mettle of 250 local comics, judging them on timing, stage presence, original material, and audience response, eventually narrowing the jokers to just eight: Zachary Clark, Brett Sisun, Brenden Creecy, Julia Corral, Brent Lowery, Virginia Jones, Jordan Casner, and Jeremiah Coughlan.

Casner performed second to last, and cleverly began his eight-minutes with a bid for sympathy, saying he wished he wasn’t the “first male comedian after Virginia.” He meant VIRGINIA JONES who had just practically singed the stage with her devastating read of male comics, which also cinched her place as first runner-up.

If anyone could survive and thrive on the heat from Jones’ wake, Casner was the comic to do it; he opened with a respectful, glowing description of his nonbinary partner being too hot for gender. 

Casner’s rise has been long but steady, possibly interrupted by the time he spent outside Portland, refining his style in other scenes. In 2023, Casner regularly described himself a “soft-handed cowboy,” but has since trimmed his handlebar mustache back to Ned Flanders proportions. He won the honors wearing a down-to-earth baseball cap bearing the logo of a paint company in Forest Grove.

A sizable portion of the audience seemed to think Jones was a new Portland comedian, but she actually just moved back to the scene recently, after over a decade in LA. She performed the most put-together set of the evening, drawing from her extensive touring to riff about disgusting British proclivities that we don’t even have a name for in the US.

BRENT LOWERY grabbed second runner-up with a very funny routine about his grandmother turning 101, and what felt like an abbreviated version of his standard messy room goof, where he pretends someone broke in and left plastic bottles full of piss laying around.

Grandmothers and Mangione were common threads in the night’s routines, making it more diverse in material than is typical for the PFP competition, which is generally 100 percent wife- and girlfriend-inspired. We would have liked to see Casner touch on Mangione’s UI contributions to strategy video game Civilization VI.

Host and 2024’s Funniest Person Ben Harkins was in top form during the evening’s stalling-for-time set, which traditionally unfolds while the judges tally their votes. Harkins is truly the master of irritated deadpan crowd work, demanding at one point that the audience clap if they thought Thomas Matthew Crooks’ attempted assassination of the President was staged. This evolved into a hilarious rant about how Harkins would simply have “handled it,” an unclear claim about diffusing the assassination attempt, based on being “200 pounds and fork-lift certified.”

Harkins has seemingly broadened his stage persona wheelhouse, slipping into the hushed tones of a quiz show host to deliver ideas so disturbing they received an unbidden “Jesus Christ” from someone in the audience. We can only hope for similar successes for Casner, now taking up the mantle of Portland’s Funniest Person.

Good news for those who deserve a little treat. This week serves layered sundaes, State Fair elephant ears, and a lilting farewell set by consummate indie-poppers Tennis. For something heartier, catch cool jazz at wine and cheese bar Négociant or a performance by Ural Thomas, the King of Portland Soul. Indulge accordingly.

Monday, August 25

Make a beeline to Cheese & Crack for its POG sundae special

If you have one sweet treat this week, then let it be the POG sundae at Cheese & Crack. For the uninitiated, that’s Passionfruit, Orange, and Guava, AKA one of the best flavor combinations ever created. Layered with toasted coconut, the sundae is a tropical tango on your tastebuds so good it’ll make up for the island vacation you didn’t go on this summer. [Cries in ice cream.] Honestly though, the only thing I wish Cheese & Crack did differently is offer half-size sundaes! Hear my plea, soft serve gods. I appreciate a generous portion size, but sometimes after eating dinner at one of the stellar options along NE 28th I just want a small dessert, y’know? (Cheese & Crack Snack Shop, 22 SE 28th, open daily, $8) JANEY WONG

Oregon State Fair

For those who love their fun on the corny side, the annual Oregon State Fair is now underway! Featuring (of course) stomach-churning rides and elephant ears, you can also expect concerts (the best of which is Cheap Trick on Thursday, August 28), along with such charming rural entertainment as a tractor-driving contest, llamas, goats, pig races, hypnotists, a parrot show(!!), bees, miniature horses, monster trucks, a pie-eating contest, and an Oregon authors petting zoo. Fine, I’m kidding… but they do feature lots of local authors! Ask if you can pet them! (Oregon State Fairgrounds, 2330 17th St NE, Salem, daily through Sep 1, 10 am–10 pm, $3–$25, more info, all ages) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

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Tuesday, August 26

Tuesday Night Jazz at Négociant 

Need an (almost) mid-week pick-me-up? Catch some jazz at Northwest Portland’s Négociant wine and cheese bar. The local duo Pete Krebs and Brent Martens, both long-time fixtures of Portland’s music scene, will perform a two-guitar set. Meanwhile, you’ll drink from Négociant’s robust selection of wines and eat charcuterie, oysters, and/or cheesecake. There’s no cover fee, and reservations aren’t required—just bring your jazz-appreciating self. (Négociant, 655 NW 21st, 6–8 pm, free, more info) TAYLOR GRIGGS

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Wednesday, August 27

Bingo with Peachy Springs

Portland’s most famous (and foul-mouthed) (and sassy) bingo caller is undoubtedly the absolutely fabulous drag artist Peachy Springs, whose ball-handling and number-calling has become the stuff of legend. And to ensure Peachy entertains as many people as possible, she’s currently the “bingo caller in residence” for Tomorrow Theater, where you can expect “a cross between RuPaul’s Drag Race and The Price is Right” with tons of jokes, songs, and if the bingo gods are with you(?), a bevy of fabbo PRIZES. (Tomorrow Theater, 3530 SE Division, 7 pm, $25, more info, 18+) WSH

Japanese Summer 2

Paired with a solo exhibition by Richmond-based Variety Shop studio owner Josh Stover, Japanese Summer 2 invites fresh interpretations of Japan’s landscapes and objects. True to Nucleus Portland’s signature bright, graphic aesthetic, the show gathers an eclectic mix of confident Japanese and American mark-makers alike; expect renderings of stylized birds, Okinawan ice cream, and kei trucks. I’m excited to scope more abstracted compositions by Ippei Matsui, whose paintings and large-scale fabric works were recently on view at the chic third space Maps. (Nucleus Portland, 2916 NE Alberta B, through Aug 31, free, more info, all ages) LINDSAY COSTELLO

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Thursday, August 28

Grounded: an art & ecology reading from Variable West

As this Thursday evening cools toward twilight, nonprofit arts platform Variable West will scatter words across the scenic fields of Powellhurst-Gilbert’s Zenger Farm. Sharing work under the wide themes of art and the environment, readers will include Meech Boakye, who was recently profiled for the Mercury‘s May food issue, farmer-artist Jade Novarino, artist and Old Fashioned Garage Gallery curator Jodie Cavalier, and others. Guests will receive an accompanying zine with a contextual essay by writer-photographer Monica Uszerowicz. (Zenger Farm, 11741 SE Foster, 6 pm, free, more info, all ages) LC

Ural Thomas & the Pain / Laura Gibson

Undeniably the King of Portland Soul, Ural Thomas has been bringing the pain since his days playing Harlem’s legendary Apollo Theater in the ’60s. But if you think the man’s slowed down in any way shape or form, you’re painfully mistaken—the 86-year-old has been greasing wheels on Rose City soul trains since the formation of his backing band the Pain, and his reentry into the world of live performance. He is one of the true greats that Portland can call its own. Folk favorite Laura Gibson opens the dreamy night under the 500-year-old oak tree on Sauvie Island. (Topaz Farms, 17100 NW Sauvie Island, 6 pm, $20–$25, more info, all ages) NOLAN PARKER

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Friday, August 29

Hazel / Umbraphile / Well of Human Kindness

Kicking around Portland in the early ’90s with the likes of Heatmiser and Team Dresch, Hazel concocted an oozing, grungy power-pop not dissimilar to what was popping off in Seattle around the time. Their 1993 debut album Toreador of Love—released on Sub Pop—remains an underappreciated Rosetta Stone of alternative music in the Pacific Northwest. If you’ve been wanting to groove on some Portland music history, but are needing a break from Wipers and the Exploding Hearts, this is the show for you. Portland jazz-pop youngsters Umbraphile are in the middle slot, with the mysterious Well of Human Kindness on opening responsibilities. (Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark #203, 8 pm, $32.21, more info, all ages) NP

Tennis with Real Estate

After 15 years as a beacon of excellence in the indie pop scene, husband-and-wife duo Tennis is calling it a wrap, and this show is one of your last chances to see them live. The Denver-based pair announced an indefinite hiatus following their seventh and final album, Face Down in the Garden. Their farewell tour reportedly pulls generously from fan-favorite albums like Pollen and Swimmer, so expect a heartfelt (and maybe tearful) send-off that encapsulates the sonic legacy that Alaina Moore and Patrick Riley devoted their 20s and 30s to. Millennial indie rock band Real Estate opens the show with their sun-soaked tracks. (McMenamins Grand Lodge, 3505 Pacific Ave, Forest Grove, 6:30 pm, $53.82–$63.09, more info, all ages) LANGSTON THOMAS

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Saturday, August 30

Christian Alborz Oldham: Having no talent is not enough

If you missed the debut show at curator Ido Radon’s Society last month, carve out some time to stop by the gallery for Berlin-based artist and ikebana practitioner Christian Alborz Oldham’s Having no talent is not enough, which will fill the space—tucked above Mother Foucault’s on the second floor of a historic SE Grand building—with objects and their echoes. (Promotional materials explain that this is “a show of doubles—bootleg, edition, pair.”) I’m most intrigued by Moon High School, a “200,000-word florilegium” the gallery published for the exhibition. (Society, 711 SE Grand, second floor, Sat 12–5 pm through Nov 15, more info, all ages) LC

Flock Block Party

Staying in town for the long weekend? Don’t worry, the party’s coming to you. Flock Food Hall is throwing a block party with vibey performances by pop singer-songwriter Alana Rich, rapper Swego, R&B artist Rachel Wong, and Blazers DJ O.G.ONE. You can capture the moment at the photo booth, browse vendors, and enjoy free wine from Nest & Vine along with spirit tastings and mocktails. When hunger strikes, grab global bites from Queen Mama’s Kitchen, ZabPinto Thai Kitchen, and HK Bistro. (Flock Food Hall, 917 SW Alder, 6 pm, free, more info) JW

Also worth it: 

Albina Music Trust End of Summer Jam, Clyde’s Prime Rib, more info

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Sunday, August 31

Bridge City Block Party

In what could easily be the Labor Day weekend dance party you’ve been looking for, Bridge City Block Party brings an outdoor rave to Portland’s Pioneer Courthouse Square. Featuring a bevy of DJs, including the energetic EDM of Crankdat, dubstep from YDG and Evalution, bass-driven drops from WonkyWilla, and many more surprises, the action will bounce around a 360-degree stage—and even better, partial proceeds will go to Edúcate Ya, which helps Latinx individuals navigate and integrate into American society. Attend with the expectation of an evening filled with deadly bass drops, wild remixes of club bangers, and (of course) good community vibes. (Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SE 6th, 5–10 pm, $80.26, more info, 21+) WSH 

Jordan Klepper

For those who love the sharp comedy of The Daily Show’s Jordan Klepper, it would behoove you to see him as soon as possible (for example his appearance at the Aladdin Theater) before you are forced to pay much more to see him later at much bigger venues. Klepper’s keen style is always on brilliant display hosting the Comedy Central show, but his standup reveals a more thoughtful aspect of his personality, as he recounts his travels deep into MAGAland while sharing his heroic attempts to understand why the opposition gets so sucked into Trump’s cruel circus. You may not come away with solid answers, but you will definitely feel entertained, and  a wee bit wiser. (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 10 pm, $43.73–$62.21, more info, all ages) WSH

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Looking for even more events happening this week? Head on over to EverOut!

Seminal Norwegian black metal band Emperor formed in 1991 with bass player and lyricist Mortiis at the helm. Mortiis recorded two acclaimed EPs with the band: Wrath of the Tyrant and Emperor, later compiled as Emperor/Wrath of the Tyrant—but by the time Emperor started work on their debut full length, Mortiis had stepped away to focus on his solo project. 

During his time with Emperor, Mortiis was able to dabble in atmospherics, but it took going solo for him to be able to explore musical interests outside the constraints of Norwegian black metal, still retaining the genre’s visual aesthetics. Influenced by the likes of Tangerine Dream and Vangelis, he set to work creating music entirely with synthesizers, in the process helping create the sub-genre dungeon synth with his groundbreaking album Født til å Herske.

Wyrd War is Portland-based duo Dennis Dread and Meadow. They have been active champions of the strange and horrifically beautiful in art, film, and music in the Rose City for well over a decade. In 2023 they flew Mortiis out to perform Født til å Herske in its entirety for the first time ever at two sold out shows: Night one at Enchanted Forest, the second at Star Theater. The shows were professionally recorded, mixed, and have now been released as a limited edition double gatefold LP in a run of 500.

Født til å Herske consists of two songs: “Født til å Herske” and “Født til å Herske 2,” (though both are broken up into multiple tracks, or parts, on streaming services) that are largely variations on a theme, with the second version having a more sinister air with the inclusion of occultishly chanted vocals. 

More sinister yes, but know that both songs are dark adventure music. This is music for adventuring through Middle Earth—invoking misty forests, the air growing in density as you push further and further in. Roots and thick spiderwebs (try not to think about the size the spiders must be to weave such thick webs) grabbing at your feet, and then suddenly you break free from the forest, out into the cold night air. The moon full and bright, but offering no relief, casting as much dread as it casts light. A bleak castle sits on the horizon, in the distance you hear dire wolves on the hunt. You brave the castle, go down into its bowels, a dungeon that seems impossibly deep. In the torture chamber you come across some strange ritual being performed. Do you run? Do you fight? Do you join? Then your Dungeon Master asks the Dark Elf of the Woodland Realm sitting next to you to flip the record. 

More often than not, live albums present a version of the music not emblematic of the performance—they largely exist for those who were there, or those who wish they were. The diehard fans. Occasionally there will be a live album that becomes a standout in an artists discography, Live at Folsom Prison and MTV Unplugged in New York come to mind. Live at Enchanted Forest & Live at Star Theater presents the best versions of the material, deserving to become the album’s definitive recording. 

There is a fullness and dynamism to these recordings not immediately perceived on Født til å Herske. Maybe it’s advances in recording and mixing technology, or the 20 years of experience making dark dungeon music guiding Mortiis’ hand during these shows. There’s something inherent about the music that was meant for live performance, and something inherent about these historic venues informing Mortiis’ sets at Enchanted Forest and Star Theater.

The fun of having both shows present on the release is finding the differences between the two. The Enchanted Forest show feels more alive, more of the forest and less of the castle. The music takes on a feel of rustling leaves, chirping insects, or animals just out of sight. There is even a little warmth to it, of resting at a campfire on your adventure. You will succeed, you will rid these lands of the evils that plagues them.

Meanwhile, the Star Theater show is more castle, a steely coldness to it, like moonlight glinting off your sword. You no longer know if it’s bravery that pushes you forward or if fear has locked you on your path. Roll for initiative.

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The double gatefold LP Live at Enchanted Forest & Live at Star Theater—pressed in an edition of 500—is out on Portland’s Wyrd War.

Related: Wyrd War is hosting another Mortiis-related event: Fief, Coniferous Myst, and Wraith Knight play Portland’s oldest venue—The Old Church—on Saturday, Sept. 13, more info here.

Helloooooooo Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl Elinor Jones, fresh off a weeks-long mental health break “sabbatical.” This summer has been fun, but it’s been busy and I was fresh out of jokes to make and fucks to give, so I needed to rest. I’ve also been oddly tuned out of the news, because it’s just so very bad… but if pigs can cool themselves down by rolling around in slop, then so can we. Let’s discuss some things that have been going on!

These Pieces of Shit. These Ugly Losers.

President Donald Trump has been pretty effectively making people stop talking about his murdered best friend, Jeffrey Epstein, by unleashing the National Guard on regular-ass American cities. Republicans who support the effort are saying D.C. is simply too dangerous (it’s not), and like, aren’t these the same motherfuckers who say they love guns? I thought they were supposed to be the tough guys. What are they afraid of? Seeing a poor person? What absolute loser cowards.

They’re threatening to come to other cities in blue states, and I imagine Portland is on the list… but I don’t totally understand how they can try to paint leftists like little beta scaredy-cats while also being afraid to come here? If the inhabitants of liberal cities are such feminized weaklings, why do they need the armored vests and tanks to come visit? Are we pussified snowflakes, or violent criminals? Because we can’t be both. (Just wait till they find out we are a secret third thing: criminal snowflakes, i.e. we throw molotov cocktails, but only because we are so compassionate!)

Assuming Trump Jr made this statement while sitting on daddy’s lap, rest assured I’ll fight this unAmerican and unnecessary threat with all I’ve got.

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— Senator Ron Wyden (@wyden.senate.gov) August 23, 2025 at 8:49 AM

Anyway, whatever is in those Epstein files has gotta be real bad. Newly released transcripts revealed that Epstein’s accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell just said she only ever saw Donald Trump being very well-behaved when he was hanging out with his friend, the notorious sex trafficker of underaged girls Jeffrey Epstein. Like, okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elsewhere in Hell, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem is having parts of the border wall with Mexico painted black so it will be too hot to touch. As long as none of the would-be migrants ever learn what sorcery bakers use to get hot cakes out of the oven, it’s a perfect plan.

i think people need a refresher on what constitutes a Distraction. the cracker barrel logo thing (zero stakes, obviously invented controversy) is a Distraction. the ongoing military occupation of washington dc (ample footage of random delivery drivers being violently detained by feds) is not

— rax ‘levon honkers’ king (@raxkingisdead.bsky.social) August 22, 2025 at 8:05 AM

Celebri-deez Nuts

Okay we must now cleanse our palates by talking about attractive people: Austin Butler and Zoe Kravitz are the latest co-stars-turned-maybe-something-more. They’ve been on the press circuit for their new movie Caught Stealing, and wow, what an interesting coincidence that something romantic is also afoot! This is the oldest trick in the Hollywood playbook and they are definitely not actually dating. However, they are both pros and they’re playing the game well and the pictures of them together on red carpets are fun and dazzling. It’s what we want out of our celebrities. Be in your fake relationship, beautiful people, and thank you. This is a summer in which we had been served Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau, which we rejected like children who were too full for broccoli, but suddenly have room for ice cream.

Speaking of Katy Perry, her ex, Orlando Bloom, just said that he’d consider returning to the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise only if everyone goes back… and yes, that includes the disgraced abuser Johnny Depp. For a guy who thought Perry’s girl boss trip to inner space was too cringe, this is a weird next move. Do you want us to like you or not? 

Families Can be Complicated

Lilly Collins’s father-in-law, the actor Malcolm McDowell, told People magazine that he is not a fan of her mega hit show Emily in Paris. Yeah, and my father-in-law doesn’t like that I don’t own steak knives. It doesn’t matter what fathers-in-law think! That is a family member whose got two jobs: spoiling their grandchildren, and helping with house projects—end of list. 

Speaking of family members with some weird opinions, Chris Pratt recently came out in defense of his weird uncle-in-law Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on the podcast of… ew, Bill Maher! Pratt said that RFK Jr was a cool guy with some cool ideas who’s fun to play cards with and they don’t really talk about the touchy stuff. Pratt said: “I’m not going to pick his brain.” Yeah, that’s smart—you pick RFK Jr’s brain, you end up with a fistful of worms!

⚠️ #Recall Alert: For the second time this week, the FDA is warning consumers not to eat five additional brands of frozen shrimp due to possible radioactive contamination substance: Cesium-137, or Cs-137.

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— Consumer Reports (@consumerreports.org) August 22, 2025 at 12:00 PM

Rich People are Trash

A 75-year-old real estate agent in the Hamptons was accused of biting a 7-year-old girl in a tussle to get a free concert T-shirt. The woman has denied the allegations. And like, true or not, you bite a child in the heat of the moment, lying about it is the only move. And whether or not this lady did it, the kid has teethmarks and the skin was broken—someone in the Hamptons bit that child over a free shirt. These are the same people who spend $400 on a melon. Rich people are insane. 

Back to Epstein for a second: There’s a new book out about his client Prince Andrew, who sounds about as awful as one could expect a royal asshole to be. The book reveals all sorts of awful things that he did, but my favorite was that he tried to get a free Faberge egg on a visit to the Kremlin. This is a man who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on helicopters and prostitutes, but couldn’t spring for a fancy egg. I wonder how many children he would have bitten in a tussle over it. Probably a lot.

Local Trash

Not so much trash as a brag, but this mighty alt-weekly has existed for 25 years and I’ve been writing for it for over half that time, which is a very long time! The print issue is on stands all over town and it’s pretty great, I hope you pick one up. I wrote about the last 25 years of trash and ranked each event in terms of its social impact/value. It was a lot of work, so I hope you like it. 

Thank you for reading, and for your patience while I took a break. If you’re curious, this is what I was doing while I was not writing: WATCHING: K-Pop Demon Hunters. Also Shrinking, which is lovely, and Hunting Wives, because I am trash. My daughter just got into Great British Baking Show, so we’ve been working through older seasons and we’re almost to to the episode when Diana melts Iain’s ice cream cake. I can’t wait. It’ll be like when nerd parents watch their children watch Star Wars for the first time. READING: Finally got to Crying in H-Mart, which I’d put off because I also lost a parent to cancer and didn’t think I could handle it sooner. I still barely could. It was so beautiful I could hardly stand it. LISTENING: Again, K-Pop Demon Hunters, plus the new Renee Rapp, Toto, and whatever the fuck this is that I was introduced to as a joke, but now cannot get out of my head:

Rectangularly,

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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND!👋

Expect another day of extreme “hot” with temps expected to hit 95 degrees before “cooling down” (HAHAHAHAHAAAA!) on Tuesday with a high of 92. The rest of the week is predicted to be much more reasonable, with the temps varying between the low-80s and mid-70s, but don’t pack away those thongs just yet! Instead? Let’s pack away some NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Speaking of HEAT: Yesterday Multnomah County extended its heat emergency until noon today—but if the hotness continues, don’t be surprised if they continue the warning tomorrow. (Stick with the Merc for the latest.) Check out this updated story from our Taylor Griggs, which includes the location of cooling centers, and describes the types of people most at risk from this extended bout of heat. For example, Multnomah County officials suspect a 56-year-old man in the Old Town neighborhood may have died from heat-related causes on Saturday, and an investigation is underway.

• In Deschutes and Jefferson counties, the Flat Fire continues to grow and has destroyed four homes, inspiring local authorities to issue a “go now” evacuation order for 1,000 residents. Since starting on Thursday, the fire has grown to more than 21,971 acres and as of Sunday afternoon is zero percent contained. The air quality for Central Oregon is also suffering thanks to the smoke from this growing fire, with the communities of  Redmond, Bend, and La Pine’s air quality monitors registering more than 150—considered unhealthy for all populations. Zero to 50 is considered “good,” while numbers ranging from 300 to 500 are labeled as “hazardous.”

Thankful for the first responders on the ground working around the clock to keep folks safe. Please protect yourself and our firefighters by following evacuation notices if your area has them.

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— Senator Ron Wyden (@wyden.senate.gov) August 24, 2025 at 10:24 AM

• Portland Police tried, but ultimately failed, to stop a street racing takeover event on Saturday night. After reportedly issuing warnings earlier in the weekend that they’d be making arrests, the police claim that their effort was initially successful—until they were pulled away to another call, inspiring at least 100 drivers to stage races in St. Johns and the Lloyd District, and then later near NE Lombard as well as NE Columbia Boulevard. Officers were only able to make one arrest.

• Yet another dangerously stupid Trump plan was at least temporarily foiled on Friday, when US District Judge William Orrick blocked the president’s scheme to cut off federal funding to roughly 30 sanctuary cities including Portland, Seattle, and San Francisco—all of which have refused to cooperate with the Trump-ordered kidnappings of immigrants by ICE. Orrick called the president’s order an unconstitutional “coercive threat,” and it’s a good reminder that Portland’s leaders (everybody wave “hi” to Mayor Wilson 👋) should never immediately roll over for Trump’s often impotent threats.

Hey smarty pants! It’s time for another super fun edition of POP QUIZ PDX. In this week’s trivia quiz: The Beatles in Portland, the Blazers’ new owner, and who would make a better president: Donald Trump or six farts in a paper bag? (See how well YOU score!)

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) August 21, 2025 at 10:02 AM

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Days after being released from custody following a judge’s order, Kilmar Abrego has been once again arrested and detained by ICE agents who are threatening to deport him to Uganda. Abrego, who is undocumented and married to a US citizen, was freed by a federal judge after originally being shipped off to a El Salvadoran megaprison, and yet was arrested again at an ICE field office in Baltimore this weekend where he was doing a required check-in. Abrego’s attorneys are back in court trying to stop the deportation.

Breaking news: President Trump signed executive orders aimed at ending cashless bail across the country and pushing courts to reconsider the legality of burning the American flag.

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— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost.com) August 25, 2025 at 8:12 AM

• The occupied militarization of Washington, DC, continues as National Guard members who have been patrolling the (mostly safe) streets will now be allowed to carry guns and make arrests—even though they were not allowed to before. Over the weekend, Trump also threatened to send troops to Chicago and Baltimore to “deter crime,” despite the rates for violent crimes dropping in both cities. According to a poll, eight out of ten DC residents oppose the Guard policing forced occupation of their city. 

• If Trump ever tries to send the National Guard to Portland (and he probably will), here is the perfect response:

@adamnwhodeywant

 

♬ Fall On – Adamn Killa

• Israeli military forces murdered at least 19 people, including four journalists, in the most recent airstrike against a hospital in Gaza. According to reports, 192 reporters have been killed while doing their jobs in Gaza over the last 22 months.

• More than 180 current and former FEMA officials have signed a petition rebuking the Trump administration for weakening the agency and leaving Americans unprepared for future catastrophic emergencies. The rollback of reforms—which include those made after the Bush administration botched their response to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina—is especially dangerous due to the increasing severity of storms brought about by climate change.

My friend just posted this and now I TOTALLY WANT A PROSTHETIC ROBO DINOSAUR TAIL.

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— muirneag.bsky.social (@muirneag.bsky.social) August 24, 2025 at 11:36 AM

• In the most unsurprising headline you’ll read all day: “Tax rate for ultrarich drops dramatically after GOP tax cuts.”

• And finally… which is the “BEST CITY” in the USA? (We all know what it is, but let’s listen to these hilarious cities battle it out.)

@itsdimpey #fyp #trending #foryou ♬ original sound – Dimpey