Category: Self Help

CW: health anxiety, menstruation

Let me start off this article by taking you through a particular, very recent, day.

I wake up with a start, fresh off a nightmare, where one of the many, many imagined scenarios that terrify me becomes a reality. I sit up, breathing shallow breaths, feeling the panic from my dream flow through me in a horrible, nauseating wave, and wonder if I will ever feel happy or safe again.

I happen to be at a friend’s place. We were role-playing until late the night before, and I live quite far away.

Soon after I wake up, my friend comes into the room, carrying his 6-month-old son. He passes the baby to me, and as I look at the beautiful, smiling little face, I feel a glimmer of happiness fight its way through the worry and fear. It’s enough.

I leave my friend’s house and travel to the centre of London. I am not in the centre of London very often these days, and there is some shopping I want to do. I walk around for several hours, spending insane amounts of money. I’m tired, but I found bras and jeans that fit pretty well. That made it a successful expedition, and I feel reasonably content.

I go to the toilet before lunch. My period started that morning, and I need to change my tampon. I do not do a very good job of it, and I can feel it as I walk to my lunchtime destination. My anxiety brain suddenly kicks in and my emotions fly from mild discomfort to panic as I remember that toxic shock syndrome is a thing. Lunch is filled with fear, worry, and frantic Google searches for TSS to see if I can find information that might calm me down. I cannot quite finish my lunch, but I am at least able to register that what I ate was quite tasty.

After paying for lunch, I rush back to the toilet and change my tampon again. This time I am extra careful. I wash my hands thoroughly, and I take the time to insert it properly. I cannot feel the new tampon, and I feel like i have done everything I can to lessen my risk of getting TSS. I feel a little bit more in control. It’s enough.

I take the train part of the way home and drive the remaining hour or so (I live in a town in the Cotswolds; an area of the UK with woeful public transportation at the best of times, and this was a Sunday afternoon). The air conditioning is on and there is a top 30 billboard countdown playing on the radio. It is not much, in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like everything to me, because I am calm, and content, and my anxiety is at bay.

I arrive home and spend a lovely evening with my parents, eating chicken kebabs and salad, watching a couple of episodes of Star Trek Voyager, and finishing another article for The Body is Not an Apology before falling asleep.

During the night I have another terrible dream, and wake up to that sickening feeling of panic once more. I amble up to my parents’ bedroom and tell my mother about it. She hugs me and tells me that she has similar thoughts, sometimes. She lets me cry on her shoulder. A Once Upon a Time rerun is playing quietly in the background. I feel the tiniest bit better. It’s not as effective as looking at the happy, smiling face of a beautiful baby, but it’s enough.

This is what a typical day with chronic anxiety is like, for me. Once or twice a day (sometimes more often, occasionally not at all), I will see something, I will read something, or a random thought will flicker into my awareness, and I will become awash with panic and fear.

Thankfully, the worst parts of these attacks are usually fleeting, and after a minute or two I will calm down and bring enough of my conscious thought back into reality to carry on. Sometimes I can speed the process along with deliberate actions (changing a tampon, talking to my mum), or I will happen upon something that makes me feel better (such as a baby’s smiling face).

Sometimes, even after the initial wave of panic, the lingering feeling of fear and dread does not quickly dim down. Normally this happens when I have not done anything deliberate to help myself, or, worse, I have tried to help myself and gone about it the wrong way (a classic example of this for myself, and other health anxiety sufferers, is Googling our symptoms), thereby making that lingering feeling worse. When this happens, it can take days, or weeks, for the fear and dread to quiet down.

More Radical Reads: 10 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Has Anxiety

Even when things are going well, and it has been a while since I have had a long-term bout of lingering fear/dread, I am always aware of of it. My anxiety lurks in the background somewhere, ready to jump in at barely a moment’s notice to ruin another day.

Fortunately, in the six years that I have been dealing with this particular anxiety demon, I have discovered a number of methods and practices that help me to manage it and live a reasonably full and fun life. Here are a couple of my favourites:

• Exercise: I know that exercise probably comes second to meditation on a long list of stereotypical advice given to depression and/or anxiety sufferers, but it is first on this list for a reason. My anxiety is generally worst in the morning, when I find I have a lot of pent-up anxiety energy that I want to get rid of but don’t know how. I discovered that working out in the mornings not only allows me to to expel a lot of that anxiety energy, but it also makes me concentrate on my body and my breathing, rather than on my panic and worry. Plus, of course, the release of happy endorphins is probably doing a little bit more to keep sadness away..

• Comedy Podcasts: these are a relatively recent discovery, but they deserve a spot on here because they have been fantastic, for me. When I am doing something relatively simple that requires the use of my eyes and hands (crocheting, driving, etc.), I often find that I need something else to keep my anxiety brain at bay. A lot of people listen to music (and I do too), but there’s something about comedy podcasts that seems to work better. I think it is to do with the chatty nature of them; it feels like I’m listening to a nice, and funny, conversation, and I find conversations relatively immersive.

• Tell People: I am hardly breaking new ground when I say that mental illness needs to be talked about – people have been saying that for decades. I have always been quite upfront about the fact that I have a mental illness, so whenever the subject of ‘telling people’ came up, I waved it off as something that I was already doing. As it turned out, while everybody I was reasonably close to knew that I had a mental illness, none of them knew a thing about the intricacies of said illness. The details of the weird thoughts I get, the scenarios I dream up, the mundane things in everyday life that cause me to panic – I told nobody about them, and was suffering in relative silence as a result. So now I make a conscious effort to tell someone when I am having some sort of bad anxiety spell and what, if anything, has caused it. Knowing that somebody else is aware of what is going on with you helps to share, and therefore lighten, the burden.

• Seek Help, and Get an Official Diagnosis: I realise this might not be a good thing for everybody to do, but it was very helpful for me. I had been diagnosed in the past, but my most recent diagnosis happened after a 45-minute long phone conversation, during which I answered mental health surveys specific to my condition, for the first time ever. Being told by a mental health professional that my condition was both present and severe felt like a massive relief, as it confirmed that the way I thought and felt was very abnormal, and that effort could and would be made to do something about it. I am now on a waiting list for an intense form of behavioural therapy, and even knowing that treatment is on its way is reassuring.

More Radical Reads: Ways Anxiety Can Affect a Person (That You Might Not Know)

Living well with chronic anxiety and/or depression is a challenge that I really wish fewer people had to face. Battling something that never seems to go away can feel frustrating and futile. But as far as I am concerned, good living is something well worth fighting for. And so I will continue to fight for it.

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[Feature Image: A photo of a person with short blond hair.  Their face is looking upward and is in profile. Behind them is a window with a white curtain.  Source: Alessandra]

Much has been written with regards to emotional labor in the past few years. Specifically, women have been writing about the emotional labor they must bear in the world in various ways, specifically, with cis men and their own families. As a trans-femme of color with light-skinned privilege, I have had my share of emotional labor. I do become exhausted with providing emotional support with people in my circle of friends, my family, and my community. I also need to constantly assess my capacity for emotional labor because I am a therapist. Being a clinician five days a week provides me with the opportunity to hold space for people of various backgrounds with different personal stories, and I am honored to do so. However, performing constant emotional labor on a daily basis can be emotionally taxing. Nevertheless, emotional mutual aid and emotional decolonization is one site of personal liberation.

Capitalism, white-supremacy, and patriarchy thrive on self-destruction and isolation. Emotional mutual aid brings people together to share one’s internal world with one another. It brings people together to question,  “How are any of my daily practices or interactions with others problematic or self-destructive?”, “Is this or that habit a product of my internalized oppression?”, or “How are my own idiosyncrasies rooted in my own individual privilege and dominations of those around me?” Whilst emotional labor tends to be an activity through which marginalized folks perform for their privileged counterparts, emotional labor is what brings marginalized people together to emotionally survive on a daily basis.

In this conversation here, I want to name six ways I notice I am exhausted from providing emotional labor. However, I also want to take some time to share strategies I employ to prevent becoming burnt out from emotional support.

1) Being Overstimulated

There are times I notice when I become easily overwhelmed by sounds, smells, and visual stimuli. I then become avoidant of being out in public and being in large crowds of people. This is an internal cue that sometimes leads me back to assess the interpersonal work I have performed throughout my day. And, when I do this, more times than not, I notice that I did some pretty emotional heavy-lifting with someone.

2) Intellectually Incapacitated

I make it a point to read a couple of times a week after work for about thirty to forty-five minutes. I read to learn more about the world as well as to validate my own feelings and social justice convictions. However, after a long day of social work, sometimes I don’t feel like reading. As a radical social worker, I attempt to provide empathy for person’s journey which may be very tragic. Reading about oppression at the end of the day is basically out of the picture because I bear witness to intersectional oppression all day.

3) Anxiousness

A hallmark experience for me when I have been performing too much emotional labor is anxiety. A very common psychological characterization of the folks I support is  catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is  not only a personality trait of the folks I work with as a professional, but also in my personal life. I have found that catastrophizing is a personality characteristic of empaths and folks with trauma. By catastrophizing I mean constantly worrying about something will go wrong. I find that I perform a lot of work helping folks assess their immediate realities and help them self-soothe. After doing this for long periods of time, I find that I then begin myself to catastrophize. I begin to second guess myself constantly and worry about little things.

4) Less able to hold space for myself / less time for self-care

When I am constantly holding space for people I am less capable to hold space for myself, and have less emotional time for self care. Sometimes I attempt to schedule a time to work on me in solitude or with the support of someone else. Most likely I will not have the capacity to support myself if I have supported someone earlier in the day, which then gets consequently gets rescheduled for another time. Other times I just want to relax and enjoy my evening after work and watch TV. This gets disrupted if I have to support someone in the middle of my evening. I also always try to keep a regular meal routine at lunch and dinner. However, when called to meet with someone at my job, I will sometimes wait to eat till mid-afternoon.

5) Increased co-dependence on the person for whom I am performing emotional labor.

If I am rigorously attending to someone’s emotional needs, sometimes my personal boundaries with them become blurred. I begin to become hyper-vigilant that I may say the wrong thing. I begin to hold their feelings for them. I often worry about what they will say when words gets around about something or an event they endured comes back in their disfavor.

6) Avoidance or resentment at the person for whom I am performing emotional labor.

Lastly, I notice I begin to become resentful of a person for whom I am performing emotional labor. This resentfulness does not have anything to do with if this person is or is not reciprocating emotional labor.  They may not be someone who I feel comfortable sharing a particular problem at a certain point in time. To be honest, I begin to feel resentful at someone when they are not taking action to begin personal healing. I understand the readiness to change is a process with which I have to be patient. Part of my emotional labor facilitates people’s internal guidance to problem solving. If I have been holding space for someone regarding the same issue for an extended period of time, I would hope they begin to problem solve. It is when they do not take action steps is when I begin to feel resentful.

Holding space for someone is an honor and sacred act. It is with this sanctity from which I have learned to honor myself, others, and the process of emotional reciprocity. I have been blessed to become a constant learner in the art of emotional mutual aid.

More Radical Reads: 8 Lessons That Show How Emotional Labor Defines Women’s Lives

Here are some strategies I employ or which I hope others employ when engaging in emotional labor:

1) Asking for consent to get deep.

Many times, when I visit my mother, she immediately begins to inform me about deep tragedies affecting immediate or extended members of the family. Although I understand me visiting is a time to catch up, sometimes I don’t want to come to my parents home and hear all this struggle. I wish my mother would ask, “Can I check in with you about a few things that are heavy?”. My partner and I have a best practice of asking each other for consent before we delve deep into traumatic experiences we share, whether it be of our own or others. Obtaining consent from someone one before I begin to get their emotional support gives them the cue that I explicitly need support, and provides them when the space to determine if they possess a capacity to do so. This also relates to ways I identify as becoming overstimulated or intellectually incapacitated. When someone asks me for consent to hold space with them, it allows me the opportunity to check my current level of stimulation and emotional capacity. It helps me prepare to get into a mindset of supportive role. Asking for consent brings me into the next strategy.

2) Clarifying roles for the moment

Although one of the hardest things to do, and something I need to start consistently practicing, is clarifying my role as a person providing emotional labor. Emotional labor consists of different dimensions: listening coaching, encouraging, reflecting, problem solving, or physical assistance or accompaniment to name a few. Being explicit about what role one is seeking or asking is another way to cue someone to mentally prepare for emotional labor. It gives someone informed consent about what type of emotional labor one is providing.

3) Scheduling deep conversations at appropriate times:

Scheduling appropriate times to have a deep conversation, I find, is key. This also goes hand-in-hand with asking for consent for or to obtain support. Asking someone through text or voicemail if they have time to support me is the first step I take when asking for emotional support. I am providing them with an opportunity to check-in with themselves to see if they have emotional capacity to do so. When someone asks me to support them, I attempt to schedule it at an appropriate time, such as not too early and not too late. Or, also, not before a regular scheduled meal, such as lunch or dinner. It is much easier to schedule an appropriate time to ask or provide emotional labor when one ask asked for consent to do so ahead of time.

4) Trigger warnings – trauma reminders

Giving someone trigger warnings has become a common practice in the the art of emotional labor. Even when I am in an already deep conversation with someone, I attempt to not be remised to provide trigger warnings. This gives someone the cue that I may bring up something that may trigger their own trauma.

5) Caring plans: what are you doing for self-care and healing.

Assisting someone to develop self-care plans may be cumbersome to employ all the time, but it has many benefits. This leads me back to all of the ways that I identify I am feeling exhausted from emotional labor, specifically becoming resentful. I mentioned that I become resentful of a person for whom I am providing emotional labor on a consistent basis, but they have not taken it upon themselves to begin problem solving or heal on their own. Developing a care plan solves this. Included in a self-care plan outlines how they will self-care between now and later. It also outlines what steps they need to take to being problem solving their situation.

More Radical Reads: 7 Tactics of Emotional Abuse Used By Trump Supporters Post-Election

6) Community Care: Support Groups and Traditional Healing

Another important strategy to avoid emotional labor burn-out is to always refer someone to a form of community care. Community care can be a support group or some form of traditional community healing, such as a healing circle. I attend various 12-step groups as well as started attending a healing circle for an organization of which I am apart. For those who are familiar or a part of support groups, there is unspoken power about hearing other people’s struggles as well as verbalizing one’s own struggle aloud with other people present. Many community healing forums already have built into them a format for personal recovery and collective liberation, such as rigorous forms of self-reflection, holding oneself and others accountable, power analyses, and connecting with one’s ancestors, or a grasping a meaning or symbolism greater than oneself.

Emotional labor is a primary means through which marginalized folks help each other emotionally survive on a daily basis. That being said, the experiences we bear in the world are heavy, and we need strategies to prevent emotional burnout with one another. I hope my naming of the ways I become emotionally exhausted resonates with others. I also hope the strategies I have outlined here bear some resemblance to what folks are already practicing, or might point someone in the right direction to caring for themselves and others. Emotional labor should not be the physical labor through which we are exploited by capitalism, it should be the practice of loving through which we achieve personal transformation and collective liberation.

[Featured Image: Two individuals stands outdoors captured from the neck down as they stand face to face. The person on the left wears a green coat, plaid scarf, jeans and boots while the person on the right is wearing a black jacket, jeans and gym shoes with their hands in their back pockets. Source: Pexels]

TBINAA is an independent, queer, Black woman run digital media and education organization promoting radical self love as the foundation for a more just, equitable and compassionate world. If you believe in our mission, please contribute to this necessary work at PRESSPATRON.com/TBINAA 

We can’t do this work without you!

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Have you ever wondered why you compare yourself to others? Do you ever wonder why you feel bad when you compare yourself to others? Comparing your situation is one of the biggest ways you can hold yourself back. In this article Stop making comparisons, You are enough, I share the main reasons why and how people get stuck in the comparison habit, and what you can do about it.

Many people get caught up in the idea that they have to be just like everybody else. But in truth you can’t be everybody else, it’s impossible!
Comparisons start at a very early age. For instance, the habit of constantly comparing yourself with someone else usually begins at school. If you’ve got brothers and sisters it can start before you can walk or talk.

In my youth I remember hearing, “why can’t you be a good girl like your brother?” or “why can’t you be an ‘A’ student in math’s like your brother?”
“You’re not as smart, or as pretty as your friend.”  Have you ever felt that way, like you weren’t as good as someone else? If you did, however, without even realizing it, comparing yourself with others became automatic. For those that continue to think this way end up feeling inferior or not good enough. Feeling inferior creates a lot of stress in the mind and body.

There Is No Comparison!

It is a scientific fact that no two people who ever lived on this planet were exactly alike. Every human being has a different set of values, gifts, skills, abilities, and experiences and therefore have completely unique situations and circumstances.

What is meaningful to one person will be very different for another. Everyone is born with certain aptitudes which have nothing to do with heredity.
Comparing yourself with others only puts you down. And when you compare yourself with others you are being unfair to yourself. Therefore, by doing this you can become so discouraged that you will never attempt to reach your full potential.

The reality is there is no comparison because no matter what, you have your own point of view, and experiences. Furthermore, they will be completely different from others, so there really is no comparison.

Comparing Is Just A Habit

Comparing yourself to others is just an old habit. When I gave up the habit of comparing myself to others my whole world changed. I began to see myself as an individual with a unique perspective, a unique set of values and my own purpose in life which has nothing to do with anyone else.

During this time of my life I decided to invest in myself and hire a coach. My coach at the time helped me to see what I could not see myself.  She helped me to uncover the old unconscious pattern’s and beliefs that were holding me back. Those coaching sessions were priceless. Empowering me to stand in front of 200 project managers and teach them about Breakthrough Mindsets, and work with people from all walks of life, so they can be the best version of themselves.

If you where to ask any successful person, they will tell you they had an advisor, coach, or mentor to help them to get where they are now.
This is why I do what I do, helping people to break free of the obstacles in their life so they can create more happiness, balance, wealth, and fulfillment.
So, when you eliminate the habit of comparisons, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your life. The world will literally be your oyster.

In conclusion, if you recognize that you have developed a habit of comparing yourself to others, and are ready to start being the empowered person your were born to be. Follow the link below, and learn how we can help you breakthrough your limitations, rewire your brain, and create powerful mindset shifts that lead to lasting change and new results.

I was a dud in college.

I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.

My college was located in a city 30 minutes away from my parents’ house. I stayed on campus to get the “true college experience,” but I often went home during the weekends and even during the week to attend family events or attend my childhood church.

Given that my parents’ lived within a 30-mile radius of my college campus, I did not need to stay on-campus. I could have stayed at my parents’ house and carpooled to campus with Mom each morning since she worked a mere 10 minutes away from my college.

My church was 15 minutes away. Church kept me busy between Sunday service, mid-week service, and “College Night” on Fridays.

Being near my family, my childhood church, and in a familiar environment prevented me from going “wild.” It kept me grounded and focused on my purpose for enrolling in college, which was to make good grades and be accepted into a top graduate school program.

I’m glad I didn’t go “off the rails,” but I regret not embracing the true college experience. College is a holding place between adolescence and full-on adulthood. It’s utopia! You have the best of both worlds. You have the freedom to do what you want (eat icecream for dinner or go to a party on a school night) without any of the adult-like responsibilities (paying rent/mortgage or deciding what life insurance to purchase). You have the metabolism of a teenager, which means gaining the Freshman 15 but losing it by the second semester of your Sophomore year.

The world requires very little from you. One time, I accepted a position at the college bookstore. On the first day of work, I arrived on time, with my paperwork in hand. The manager was surprised that I even showed up. His astonishment came from the fact that none of his other new hires ever showed up to work on their first day. Apparently, college students are not expected to keep their word.

I was so focused on being a “good student,” making good grades and staying out of trouble that I lived a “fasted lifestyle.” I did not do anything that I thought my church folks, my family, or God would frown upon.

If I were given the good fortune of redoing college, I’d do it right. I’d carelessly gain the Freshman 15, go on dates, party on a Tuesday night and sleep through my 8am class, go on Miami Spring Break, and change my major multiple times.

The truth is that the Real World will be there to greet you on the other side of graduation. So, until then, why rush it? Carpe diem! The real world is not expecting anything out of you anyway.

Gain the Freshman 15.

In college, all you have to do is wake up in time to go to the cafe. It’s not always the best food you ever had, but it’s tolerable and prepaid. Eat away!

I was so hell-bent on not gaining the Freshman 15. While my friends were enjoying Fried Chicken Wednesday and all the peach cobbler they could stomach, I was trying to watch my calories and exercise. Little did I know, that 15 years later, my metabolism was going to change. I should have eaten whatever I wanted then.

Go on dates.

I took a vow of celibacy before I started college, so I was scared to have a boyfriend and break my vow. I had two guys who might have been interested in me during undergrad and I screwed up both opportunities with my shenanigans.

The first guy was my friend’s cousin. He was candy to my eyes. He was honestly the most good-looking brother I had ever seen. We exchanged numbers and I don’t know what happened. All I remember is that he never called me again. In those days, it was a sport to scare away men. And I was such a dud, I probably booted him off the phone so that I could read my Bible or pray.

The other guy was an a-okay guy I met at a bookstore. Click here to read what happened to him.

Party so hard that you sleep through your 8am class.

I went to college parties, but I kept my eye on the time. I don’t think I enjoyed the party as much as I could have because I was always so worried about missing my class. I might have been at the party in the flesh, but my mind was elsewhere.

Nowadays, as a 30-something, I don’t go to parties like I used to, but when I do, I make sure I get myself home before bedtime. It’s a practice that’s not much different than my college years. But now is when it really counts, especially for the type of work I do. I cannot go into an executive meeting with a hangover. I should have taken advantage of my college years and slept through the 8am class when the only thing at risk might have been a less-than-perfect attendance.

Go on Spring Break (not alternative spring break, but the spring break)

It wasn’t until my senior year that I went on Spring Break. It wasn’t a traditional college Spring Break in Miami either, it was a Spring Break with a religious organization in California. Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad I went. But hearing all about the fun that Miami Spring Break has to offer makes me feel a little jealous.

Change your major several times.

I went to school knowing that I wanted to be a Psychology major. And I didn’t explore anything else. I regret that. I wish I took a Creative Writing class or a Political Science class. I probably would have settled on Psychology anyway, but it would have been nice to broaden my horizons.

To all of you newly oriented freshwomen and men out there, YOLO. There’s nothing on the other side of the college gates but Sallie Mae and taxes.

S&T, tell me about your college experience! If you could redo your college experience, what would you do differently? Let’s chat in the comments section below. 

Creating Calm States of Being

To trigger the opposite effect, we can calm the mind and body in a matter of minutes. Creating a calm state will switch on the parasympathetic nervous system, which produces a natural relaxation response sending calming hormones throughout the body.

Our body is naturally equipped with everything we need to repair and heal, but it only works when we are in a calm and relaxed state of being. High levels of repetitive stress has a negative effect on the body, so I’m here today to share with you a simple a very effective way to calm your mind and reduce stress.

If you are wanting to take a quick break, recover after work, refresh and rejuvenate after a long hard day, or just be at peace throughout your day, then this will be perfect for you. What I want you to do right now, is listen to the video above and go through the relaxation process I’ve shared for you.

Let’s Get Started

Sit in a quiet, comfortable position and close your eyes.

Deeply relax all the muscles of your body.

Relaxing your toes, soles of your feet,

legs, hips,

back of your body,

shoulders, arms hands, and fingers,

now your neck back of your head,

facial muscles,

throat,

chest, stomach, abdomen.

Your whole body from your toes to the top of your head,

and your head to your toes, deeply relaxed.

Breathe through your nose.

Become aware of your breathing, flowing easily and effortlessly.

As you breathe out, say the word calm silently to yourself.

Breathe in and as you breathe out say calm,

breathe in and breathe out and say calm.

And continue breathing in and out saying calm.

Continue for 10 minutes breathing easily and naturally.

When you are finished, sit quietly a little longer with mindful awareness.

Practice this process regularly as it will help to condition your natural relaxation response. Creating homeostasis and a healthy mind and body.

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 


IT’S SUPER GOOD!!! 

“From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

If you notice that you are in the habit of self-criticism or putting yourself down for any reason, its time to stop it now! Did you know that negative self-talk is directly communicating to your subconscious mind, which will keep you stuck in a cycle a feeling bad about yourself.

Many of us in our younger years had unpleasant experiences that made us think badly of ourselves. While some of us had so many we unconsciously translated them into core beliefs. These beliefs are expressed into feelings and emotions, where we may have found ourselves feeling inadequate, that there is something wrong with us, and we are powerless victims of our circumstances.

Be More Aware

It’s important if you know that you talk negatively to yourself, to stop it immediately. Stop calling yourself names. It’s just an old habit you’ve got yourself into, and this is how people get stuck in a cycle of feeling bad about themselves..

Are you in the habit of calling yourself names? Eliminate any words that puts you down, like idiot, stupid, or dummy from your thoughts and your vocabulary.
Get rid of any of those old unflattering terms. Because those old words keep you stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts, and beliefs that do absolutely nothing for your self-esteem or self-image.

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. – Eckhart Tolle

Change What You Are Saying To Yourself

Keep your self talk positive, find the good points about yourself, take a look at all the things that you are really good at and the things that makes you truly happy.
You’re the only one that can change this inside of you, so start today. Remember nothing ever good came from talking bad about yourself.

Start practicing every day, being your own best friend and being kind and loving to yourself. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Right?
What you can expect from your efforts if you’re willing to spend a little time improving yourself, you will gain more self-confidence, more satisfying relationships, and a happier version of yourself. How good is that! Plus you’re more likely to start attracting the kind of people that you truly want to be hanging around with. Therefore, you are more likely to have loving relationships because guess what? you start loving yourself more.

Dissolving Bad Habits

If you are looking to make changes in how you feel about yourself. We can help you to install better messages into your subconscious mind. So that you can feel empowered, and start attracting and manifesting what you truly want in your life automatically. This is what we do, we help people to break through the limiting mindsets that are getting in the way of true fulfillment and the joy that they deserve. Personal Mindset Coach – To claim your free 30-minute consultation click the link here

Just follow the links here, so you can get your free Activate Your Manifesting Muscle MP3 Empowering mindset training program right now today.
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Get a breakthrough thinking negative thoughts. The results of negative thinking versus positive thinking are very different. However, it is not always easy to get rid of negative thoughts. For example, the power of the word “I” can trap us in fear and it can also free us. Usually, we’re trapped by the stories that we tell ourselves:

I can’t do that.
I’m too, tired, stressed, broke, fat.
I don’t have enough, time, energy, training, experience.
I’m too upset because, and we fill in the blank.

Therefore, the problem is that every time that we start a sentence with I, we are declaring something is true for us. For example, if we say I don’t have enough money, we are sending that thought directly to the universe and saying,  make it come true!

Just like a butterfly in a closed box, we can’t see a way out. How do we free the butterfly?
Instead of getting trapped in the cycle of negativity, turn your focus on nurturing the beauty of the butterfly within you. When you allow your beauty to be activated the walls of the box fall away naturally because there is nothing to hold them up.

Change Is Doing Something Different

Do something completely new and different! Practice stepping through fear, and feed your curiosity and excitement instead of fearfulness. Practice being courageous and believing in yourself.  When you do this, Your affirmations become:

I can do this!
I am powerful!
I choose to!
I prefer to!
I support myself and I’m supported by the universe.

By nurturing trust in yourself, you invite a lifetime of joyful experiences and the butterfly within is free. It’s important to remember thinking positively and negatively create the same amount of energy and power,  one can harm you and one can heal you. One creates more positive outcomes and the other creates more negative outcomes. Is your choice.

Develop Your Awareness

We have developed a powerful mindful practice program that helps to achieve a higher level of awareness, from which to live in a positive frame of mind. This program uses a soundtrack with soothing music, combined sound waves, scientifically researched and designed to help the left and right hemispheres of your brain work in a more balance way.

Click the link here and download your Free copy of Activate Your Manifesting Muscle  Empowering mindset training program right here today!

The 5 Steps of How to Tap Into Your Purpose

Step 1

You have to have a desire to do it in the first place and want to live a more satisfying and fulfilling life. Knowing your purpose satisfies a deep need that everyone has inside. A need to have a life that is meaningful, a presence that is felt by others, or to make a bigger impact and difference with other people.

Step 2

You are ready and willing to do something about it. The choices and decisions you make today, right now, can be a life-changer. Being committed to awakening and living your destiny. Doing something different takes courage, take it from me; it’s worth the effort!

Step 3

Find an excellent resource to make it easy and fun to tap into your purpose.  When you have a step by step guide, you have a valuable investment that will guide you in fulfilling your dreams of the future. We strive to provide the best course for finding your purpose. Check out the link here for an excellent resource for finding and Activate Your Unique Purpose

Step 4

Once you find your purpose, you may need to make simple adjustments as you go and keep refining your purpose until you absolutely love it. It’s essential to be flexible because, when you know where you are heading, and why you are heading there, it’s easy to adjust and keep going.

Step 5

Start to integrate your purpose into your life.  You will begin to experience a new you, and new opportunities will make it possible for you to live a life of fulfillment, meaning, and success in every area of your life.

So, are you ready to be the person you were born to be? And live with confidence, inspiration, and enthusiasm for your life. To achieve your big dreams and goals and make a bigger impact on your life and the lives of others.

Resources and Links:

There’s no time like the present to make a starting. I’m here to help you get on track. Click the link in the description to find out more on how you can activate your full potential and Tap Into Purpose!

To see if we can help you, let’s connect head to breakthroughmindsets.com/free-consultation for a free 30-minute consultation. Sharpen your mind, balance your moods, and achieve your personal and professional goals.

Learn more about our Personal Mindset Coaching. A mindset coach provides the targeted support, guidance and accountability you need to create powerful mindset shifts and lasting results in your life. Breaking through limitations and rewire your mind for personal and professional success.

Get the latest mindset videos by joining our YouTube Breakthrough Mindsets Channel Here!

In 2010, I was on top of the world.

New job, a new luxury apartment downtown, brand new car, the attention and admiration of my inner and outer circle. I just celebrated my 25th birthday on a beautiful beach. After 4 years of college and 2 years of graduate school, I finally graduated from student-dom and had entered adulthood. My job was everything I thought I wanted. I traveled for work and I even traveled on weekends. I was living the life of my dreams.

And 10 months later, it was taken away from me. It was taken from me in a matter of minutes. I lost my job. I lost my glamorous apartment. I lost the admiration of my friends and relatives. I lost the pride and confidence that I had in myself. I lost the freedom that I embraced being 550 miles from home. I returned back home, with no job and little money. I was no longer on top of the world. In fact, I thought the world was against me.

After moving back to my hometown, it took 4 years to get back on my feet. Four very long, humbling, character-building years. Now, looking back, I am proud of what those years gave me. I spent quality time with my family and built a close relationship with my nieces, nephews, and cousins. When my grandma passed away in 2013, I was happy to have had spent many Sunday afternoons with her: learning from her and laughing with her. I met three of my dear friends during those 4 years. Friends, that are like my sisters. Friends, who stood beside me as my bridesmaids, on my wedding day.

So much fun was had during those 4 years: late-night clubbing, followed by early morning breakfast at Waffle House; sleepovers, where my girlfriends and I would stay up all night contemplating life; Meetup Groups; Kickboxing Class; French Class; and I even became apart of Yelp Elite group for 3 consecutive years. I attended concerts, where I met Robin Thicke. I spotted celebrities at the mall. I partied. I danced. I dated. I went ice skating, apple picking. I met new people. I had a ball.

And I even met my husband during those 4 years.

Now, 9 years after the heyday of 2010, I am in a new space. And funny enough, it somewhat resembles my life in 2010. I recently started a new job in a new city. I live in a new home. I don’t drive a new car, but I did just celebrated my 34th birthday at a beautiful beach. I’m married now. Instead of being a new adult, I am now a seasoned adult. I make better decisions now. I save for rainy days because life has taught me that there will always be a rainy day.

But what I haven’t learned to do is to enjoy the ups.

I am so afraid of the down that I am reluctant to truly embrace the up. Spending money gives me anxiety. What if I spend too much now, lose my job and lose everything else? I tell myself:

Don’t get too comfortable with your lifestyle. Things can be taken in an instant. Remember 2010? Don’t get too close to your co-workers. If you choose to leave, that friendship will never be the same. Why put yourself through so much hurt? Don’t get close to your neighbors. Remember the neighbor that foreclosed recently? If that happens to you, the friendships that you made with neighbors would be wasted.

It’s a carousel that my mind takes frequent trips on. Around others, I am constantly down-playing how satisfied I am with my life.

Former Co-worker: Do you like your new job?

Me: Yes, it’s okay. I miss my old job though!

Knowing very well, that I really like my new job. I believe it’s a really good fit for my talents and skills set. In another conversation:

Someone: You have a beautiful home.

Me: Thanks. It’s not in an exciting part of town. This town is a sleeper.

In a discreet manner, I am constantly telling people to not be so happy for me. I’m bracing myself for when it all falls down. My favorite quote is, Be humble or be humbled. So, I try not to put myself in a position where others talk about me, “She thought she was on top of the world. Look at her now!” It’s sad, but we all say such things when someone loses everything after boasting about their good fortune.

It’s good to be humble, but I think the fear that I’m experiencing is crippling. It’s not healthy to anticipate it all falling down. And I acknowledge that. My fear is real. I will address that.

When you are prone to entertaining narcissistic behavior in others, you are a people pleaser, a doormat, or any version of the same, you are probably used to glossing over disrespect in your close personal relationships. It comes with the territory.

GLOSSING OVER DISRESPECT

Here is an example of a typical narcissist / empath interaction:

STEP 1. Toxic disrespect. 

This is where the narcissist, codependent or otherwise toxic person disrespects your personal boundaries. The toxic encounter is one in which the toxic person tries to use you as an extension of themselves by doing things, displaying behavior that shows blatant disregard for your feelings, rights, limits and boundaries. Examples include:

• Criticizing you.
• Giving you unwarranted advice.
• Talking about a subject that is unpleasant in attempt to make you feel negative.
• When a friend or acquaintance reprimands your child in your presence.
• Your parent did something abusive to you repeatedly in childhood. 
• Any abusive behavior.
• Talks about a subject you do not wish to discuss.
• Continues behavior toward you that you have requested they stop doing.
• Tries to talk you into doing something you don’t want to do.
• Talks behind your back.
• Talks down to you.
• Brags to you.
• Makes a promise repeatedly, then lets you down.
• Betrays you in any way.
• Brings up your private secrets in public.
• Makes a post on social media of a photo of you that you asked them not to post.  

STEP 2. You Get Upset / Hurt / Angry

The next part of this toxic interaction is when you get upset due to the actions and behaviors of the toxic person. You are upset because your boundaries have been violated. Your anger and disdain is warranted–that’s what this emotion is for; to tell you when you are being crossed or hurt. 

STEP 3. You Set a Limit 

Next, you let the person know you are not okay with their behavior. You may ask them to stop. You may ask them to apologize, you may set a limit or a boundary. You let the toxic person know loudly and clearly that this behavior is intolerable. 

STEP 4. The Narcissist Stonewalls You

The toxic person doesn’t want to discuss the issue! The toxic person does not want to hear anything you have to say. As far as the toxic person is concerned, YOU are wrong for being angry at them for hurting you. (See how twisted?!?!) The toxic person stonewalls you for daring to challenge their sense of entitlement. 

They feel entitled to act in a way that harms you–they feel entitled to commit personal fouls toward you. In the mind of a toxic person, you have zero rights.  Your only role in their life is to serve as a pleasing mirror, or a fawning doormat. Any reflection that you are individual, different or separate is unacceptable to the toxic person, narcissist or psychopath. 

You’re just not allowed to have your own feelings. Your own feelings are so offensive to the toxic person, they feel abused when you are angry or hurt from their actions!

Some narcissists will covertly stonewall you–not letting you know they are doing it by still being available, or acting remorseful, but not actually feeling what they are portraying. This is a special kind of narcissist, that is of the most hidden type. 

STEP 5. You Try to Repair the Relationship 

Feeling fearful, obligated or guilty (FOG), you decide to make steps to re-engage with the abusive person. Maybe you are fearful you will never find a lover so good, or a friend so fun, or maybe you’re afraid of living life without being close to your mother, father, extended family. Maybe you feel socially obligated to be a nice person, or maybe YOU actually believe the gaslighting of the narcissist and think that you are the actual problem…

Maybe you reacted so strongly, that you are blaming yourself for the entire ordeal. Maybe you are questioning your own rights to set limits. Maybe you had a conversation with another unhealed empathy and he or she told you to repair the relationship. Maybe you felt lonely, guilty, or just felt a void from the person missing in your life–so you take the first step to repair the relationship, or you accept the abuser’s attempt to repair the relationship with you. After all, that’s what friendship is all about! Right? WRONG. 

But we’ll get to that later…

STEP 6. You Don’t Deal with the Original Issue

Now you move on, happy-go-lucky, but you never did resolve the original issue. You never came to terms with the narcissist about your right to exist, your right to matter, your right to have feelings, your right to set boundaries. 

As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is 100% okay to disrespect you. You never dealt with the issue. You never called them out directly after your first signal of anger–instead, you chose the higher road and chose to remain friends, or lovers, or family… 

You move on! You feel better! At least you have a friend. At least you have a lover. At least you have a family. Why not let “bygones be bygones?” After all, it is much better to be with a toxic person that to not be with anyone at all. Right? WRONG. 

But we’ll get to that later… 

STEP 7. You Have Signed An Unspoken Contract to Be Less Than 

When your emotions signal that a person is disrespecting you and you let them know, and they ignore you, and then you remain friends without getting square on the original issue that caused your negative emotion, and you do not stand up for yourself, you are signaling socially that you are an underling.

If you are an empath, you know in your heart that there is no true underling, and you will gladly do what it takes to serve and love and get along. However, to the narcissist, your agreement to be an underling puts you in a less than position. It states the following:

Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings… This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They’re not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right. 


A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.

This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don’t have #empathy.

If you come across a person like this it’s better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment–toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That’s #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019

#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu

Change Your Mindset Around Health

We believe your health is your wealth!

Did you know that you can change your physical health by changing your mindset? A mindset is a series of thoughts, perceptions and beliefs we hold about ourselves. Our health influences our decisions at every level of being. To improve our overall health, it’s important to recognize how thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and mindsets can affect our health and wellbeing. The way we think about our health can change our health results.

Our mindset and perception are how we make sense of the world around us. The mindsets we hold create our reality by influencing our attention, motivation, and physiology. These mindsets determine our behaviours, outlook and mental attitude, which is super important for health.

The Body’s Natural Ability to Heal

The body has natural potential to sustain health and wellbeing when it’s functioning at its full potential. However, problems like past traumas, high levels of stress, poor posture, and an unhealthy lifestyle can interfere with the body’s natural normal function. This can limit our ability to reach a thriving physical, mental, and emotional state of well-being.

We believe that traditional medicine doesn’t look at the root of health problems and focuses mainly on symptoms. We take the time to understand your biggest problems and challenges then help you to release the emotional drivers that are held in the mind, that keep these problems in place. If the mind is peaceful and in a truly healthy place, the body will be too. We show you the tools and create a plan that works to restore healthy brain function and emotional wellness.

“If the mind is peaceful and in a truly healthy place, the body will be too ” -Kim Ryder

Make a Commitment to start a New Lifestyle

We believe you can turn your health around quickly when you address the emotional baggage and start introducing new empowering habits. Your health should be your first priority and it’s critical to do all you can to help your body avoid disease and illness naturally.

We know what it takes to maintain a healthy mind and body, and this year we have increased our own healthy habits, because our schedule got busy and we found ourselves sitting for long periods of time. So, we decided to set more time for ourselves every morning, to build our energy, strength, endurance, flexibility, and develop a healthy state of mind and body.

Eliminate Harmful Stress Symptoms

When you are living in stress your focus narrows to symptoms and your attention is on the outer world. You can’t find a good solution if you are trying to solve the wrong problem. Then condition yourself to live with stress as “normal” and “familiar”, which creates bad habits and limited options. Time flies by and you end up with years of regret from being disconnecting living a dissatisfying life.

One of the quickest and most effective ways to eliminate harmful stress and stress symptoms is with Breakthrough Tapping sessions. Just a few sessions can help you to become aware of how you are creating the conditions in your mind and body that produce stress reactions. Breakthrough tapping can profoundly lower harmful stress levels.

Therefore the breakthrough tapping process is a more permanent solution as you begin to learn the art of letting go, and literally change the brain waves, and create profound relaxation. In the process of letting go you recondition the central nervous system to reduce and eliminate stress to bring about equilibrium to the whole mind-body system.

The Most Powerful Mind Body Approach

This powerful mind-body approach draws from research in the fields of brain, mind and body science that includes, neuroscience, quantum physics, human behavior, physiology, biology, modern psychology, neuroplasticity, epigenetics, Chinese acupuncture pressure points and Neuro-linguistic Programming.

In conclusion, it’s important to understand that with awareness and persistence, we can overcome any problem, and release unhealthy states of mind that create stress. Finally when you release unhealthy stress, you can focus on more meaning things in your life. This leads to more empowering states of mind, that lead to feeling good in your mind and body.

Resources and Links:

Address your stress, overcome anxiety, and change your subconscious programs with Tapping Therapy Sessions here!

To see if we can help you, let’s connect head to breakthroughmindsets.com/free-consultation for a free 30-minute consultation. Sharpen your mind, balance your moods, and achieve your personal and professional goals.

Learn more about our Personal Mindset Coaching. A mindset coach provides the targeted support, guidance and accountability you need to create powerful mindset shifts and lasting results in your life. Breaking through limitations and rewire your mind for personal and professional success.

Get the latest mindset videos by joining our YouTube Breakthrough Mindsets Channel Here!

Extraordinary Stress Relief

Being personally empowered is a lifestyle along our lifelong journey, it’s not an event. At Breakthrough Mindsets we utilize and capitalize on how the mind actually works.  Your mind is already working perfectly. All you have to do is learn how to use it in a way that works, that produces extraordinary results.  Like anything else we get good at, with practice, as our skills evolve, so do our results.

This is not just about learning new understanding and awareness. This is about gaining new experience, taking action, and developing new skills with the right guide to produce extraordinary results with lasting changes.

Change Your Conditioning

We begin the process by accepting the challenge of learning and evolving how to create our own experiences specifically, rather than relying on our old default emotional conditioning. Then we all want to feel good about ourselves, lives, careers, and relationships. Furthermore, we want to feel like we are living our full potential, to experience a deep, rich, satisfying life.

Stress Relief Manual For The Brain

Let me ask you, were you ever given a user’s manual for your life?  How about the manual for how the mind works, or emotions, or how the mind-body connection works?  Has anyone ever sat down with you to help explain how to go from where you are to where you want to be?  What about someone ever explaining to you why we act and feel the way we do in a way that makes sense, and more importantly, how to change?  It’s not that we’re broken or defective. It’s that we’ve been using a broken and outdated model of how to live our lives that was never designed to give us what we really want and need.

Most Stress Relief Techniques Are Just Coping Techniques

We condition ourselves and live our lives with this underlying sense of feeling trapped, alone, deprived, and empty. Moreover, we end up spending large quantities of money, time, and energy trying to solve the wrong problems. As a result, we focus on the symptoms of a problem that we can’t quite put our fingers on. Meanwhile, we find ourselves endlessly grasping and trying to get enough so we can finally be happy and enjoy life.

We compulsively hang on to what we do have so that we don’t lose it, even if it’s bad, wrong, or horrible. In doing so, we experience a massive distraction of disconnect, and then feeling fragmented, ineffective and unhappy, pouring all of our energy into trying to get what we want. In like manner, we never get what we want by creating severely unresourceful, attitudes, and states of mind. Meanwhile, we separate ourselves from who we really are, leaving us feeling stuck in a stressful, threatening, combative, and seemingly dangerous world.