Category: Self Help

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Hi Friends! I know it’s been about 4 months since my last post. Work has kept me busy! More to come on that. I was trying to figure out the next post, but it dawned on me. Why not begin recapping my favorite television show, Insecure? I already irritate my friends with my constant “Have you seen Insecure?” banter, so why not stop the nagging and start the recapping! Here’s my first recap with my thoughts below.

**SPOILER ALERT** If you haven’t watched this episode. Kindly close the window and return when you have. 

Episode 402 show 3 months before the Block Party. Condola and Issa are touring the location of where the Block Party will be held. Honestly, Issa and Condola’s relationship is the epitome of “Good Vibes Only.” They are constantly pumping eachc other up. Condola is helping Issa plan the Block Party she dreamed of last season. Condola is lending Issa her contacts, ideas and resources. When the two discovered that Condola was dating Issa’s ex of 5 years in the last episode, things became awkward. In this episode, the two were able to broach the subject. They promised each other that it would not be an issue and that they would continue collaborating. Issa made a joke about Lawrene putting mayo on his French Fries to help break the ice. The new besties shared a hearty laugh.

Love Triangle

Condola lightly mentioned that she and Issa joked about him using mayo but Lawrence did not find it funny. He confided in his friends, Chad and Derek. Both agree that they wouldn’t appreciate their current girlfriend talking about them with their ex-girlfriend, but they both have different ways of handling the situation. Derek suggests that he would let it slide because if he were to mention it to either Issa or Condola, the two would bond over how oversensitive he is. Chad, on the other hand, mentioned that he should shut it down immediately cause the situation could get out of hand. Taking the advice of his friends, Lawrence goes to Issa’s apartment to let her know that he is aware that the two were talking about him and that he’d suggest that stop. Later, he tells Issa not to tell Condola that the two had this conversation.

The Newest Couple

Molly and Andrew are getting along very well. And I might say, I enjoy watching the two exchange witty banter. They end up having sex for the first time and Molly says that “it do;” she is quite pleased. The only problem is that Andrew does not open up despite the two talking for about 1 and a half months now. He dodges personal questions, while Molly is  spilling her guts. She told Andrew that she had to wear a helmet to bed until she was 11.

She brings up her concern to her Issa, Tiffany and Kelli. Issa says that she should chill; it’s not a big deal. Tiffany agrees with Molly that she should bring it up to Andrew. And Kelli is being Kelli. She says her ideal man is a mime who can put it down. (Oh, Kelli.) Molly invites Andrew over for dinner and while the two are having dinner, Molly asks Andrew about his sister. When Andrew says that he doesn’t want to talk about it, Molly gets angry and expresses her frustration with Andrew’s tendency to avoid personal questions. She says that she wants to date someone who has depth and can be real. Andrew, annoyed, gathers his things and leaves her apartment to attend a concert with School Boy Q. Molly calls Issa to vent, but Issa is at the same School Boy Q concert and sends her a text that she will call back later.

For Self-Care Sunday, Molly and Issa go hiking. Andrew calls to apologize for his behavior at dinner. He says that he is having trouble opening up. Molly says she has time to wait for him to open up. When Issa asked who was on the phone, Molly says it was work-related.

Taurean In His Feelings

Y’all remember Taurean from Season 3? He is Molly’s new co-worker at the Black firm. The two were to work together on a case, but Taurean had an emergency, Molly went ahead and presented their work without him. Taurean was pissed and rightfully so. But guess who is still in his feelings about something that happened several weeks ago? You guessed it: Taurean.

Molly was in a meeting with Taurean at work. Apparently, Taurean was named the lead of a case. Molly had experience that could have helped him with the case, but she refused to share it with him, for fear that he would perceive that she was stepping on his toes. Taurean steps to her in her office after the meeting to voice his concern. Molly apologized for the trick she pulled last season and expressed her hope that they could be cordial colleagues. Now, most individuals would have shrugged their shoulders, but not Taurean. Taurean responded with a cold, “All right” and left her office.

What’s his problem?’

Friendship

I appreciate that this season has delved into the intricacies of friendship you seldom see on television. Most television shows gloss over the ups and downs of friendships, but Insecure takes its time to examine the various dynamics between Issa and her friends. This season, Insecure is focused on the slow deterioration of a friendship, something that I can certainly relate to.

It begins with you and your friend going down different paths. It could one getting married and starting a family and the other choosing to remain single. In the case of Molly and Issa, Issa has become interested in implementing a Block Party, which takes up a lot of her time and energy. In this season, she is starting to see relationships differently and has a new perspective on life. Issa is adamant about her “Good vibes only” mantra is steadfast on not allowing drama to interfere. It’s the reason why she does not allow the fact that Condola is dating her ex interfere with her Block Party plans.

Molly, on the other hand, is not in alignment of exuding positive energy. She is still finding fault with Andrew. She insists on being jealous of Condola and Issa’s friendship. Many viewers blame Molly for the deterioration of her friendship with Issa, but it may be the natural progression of relationships. I admire people who remain best friends for 20 to 30 years. That has never been the case for me.

Lawrence

I empathize with Lawrence in this episode. His current girlfriend and ex-girlfriend are BFF’s and exchanging information about him. What if Issa tells Condola that she supported Lawrence for the majority of the time that she and Lawrence dated? What if Issa tells Condola about the weird habits and so-called secrets that are only kept between two people who dated for half a decade? These are valid concerns. Lawrence decides to tell Issa to stop sharing information with Condola. To makes matters worse, he tells Issa not to mention the fact that the two spoke about it, cause “it’s not that deep.” If it isn’t deep, sir, then why can’t you mention it to your girlfriend? Condola and Issa are friends. Does he not think that Issa is going to let it slip? When Condola finds out that two talked behind her back, she’s going to feel like the two are holding secrets back from her. She’s going to become insecure and it will ruin Condola and Issa’s relationship. It could even ruin Condola and Lawrence’s relationship.

Lawrence should have expressed his concern to Condola. He didn’t have to express it at the restaurant while he was eating his mayo covered French fries, but after his pow-wow with his boys, he could have said, “Hey, babe. Can we talk about this? It kinda bothers me that you two are talking about me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.” He could even go as far as to tell Condola what he’s scared that Issa will tell her. By being the first one to let her know, he’s removing the power that he believes Issa would have in sharing such information.

Other takeaways

• The wardrobe stylist for this show is ahh-mazing! I especially loved the yellow dress that Molly were on her date with Andrew; the outfit Issa wore while showing Condola the location of the Block party and Condola’s black, white and gold ankle boots!
• What in the world is a booty button??
• Thankful for the Mirror’s appearance in the bathroom after her sexual encounter with TSA Bae.
• Chad is back! Whenever he’s in a scene, I know I’m going to have a good laugh. And this episode was no different.
• Derek is definitely the most mature in Lawrence’s friend group.
• I totally understood why Molly did not mention to Issa that Andrew called her to apologize for not opening up. Issa has been nothing but negative towards Molly recently. Why does this show tell my entire life on blast? This is so typical me.
• Molly is kinda doing a bit much with insisting that Andrew open up after the two have been dating for like 6 weeks. People do take time to become vulnerable and I suppose people have their own timelines. It’s good to be organic. I am glad that Molly showed some maturity and faced her concern instead of being passive aggressive, which is what she normally does.
• Kelli’s Baps costume was everything! Bonus points for Tiffany throwing candy into Kelli’s hair. So funny.
• Does anyone feel like Kelli is the most unrelateable in the show? Not only am I not like her, I also do not know anyone like her. Am I the only one?

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2019, how do I say farewell to a year that brought me to the highest of heights and it also brought me down to my knees in prayer? It was a good year, with lots of wins, but it also presented some challenges. Most years have their mix of ups and downs, but 2019 felt a bit more dynamic for me. The ups made me feel on top of the world, while the downs kept me up at night.

Nonetheless, 2019 is a year that taught me a lot. In fact, I believe that this year was a pivotal moment in my professional life, spiritual life, physical/wellness journey, and in my personal development journey as well. I’m happy to see 2019 end on a high note, but most importantly I’m ready to march into 2020 with my head held high, ready to grasp whatever life throws at me.

Without further adieu, here are the lessons that 2019 taught me.

Be yourself.

Many philosophers, motivational speakers, authors, and social media influencers who preach the importance of being your authentic self, but I cannot tell you how difficult it is to do! In a world where society is constantly telling you to be thinner, follow the latest trend, and get entrenched into the latest social media hashtag, it is easy to lose who you are.

At my last job, I did not feel that I could be my authentic self. Every day I wore a mask.  I assumed a persona of how I believed my co-workers and leaders expected me to behave. While it had some short term benefits, I am still dealing with the unpleasant outcomes that resulted from me suppressing my true thoughts and opinions for 2 and a half years. I suppressed who I was because I didn’t think that the real me was a good fit for the role. After leaving the position, I had a lot of anxiety and emotional stress to address.

Professional settings are tricky. The workplace is filled with passive-aggressive antics, but through it all, one must find a way to adopt a professional persona that does not compromise her core personality, thoughts, and beliefs. Any job that prevents you from showing up authentically is not the right job for you.

Therapy is the most rewarding journey you will ever take.

Therapy has become a trend among Millennials and I’m so happy that more people are going! I majored in Psychology in college and cultivated a deep appreciation for mental health. To keep myself mentally fit, I always kept a therapist on standby to help me cope with life’s obstacles. I went to a therapist during college (in 2005); in graduate school (in 2009); while job-seeking (in 2012 and 2013) and then, I took a long hiatus from therapy, until I resumed therapeutic sessions in 2019.

Unlike my previous stints with therapy, I have a well-defined goal. This time, therapy does not happen in a silo, but I actively apply the insights gleaned from each session. It has increased the quality of my relationships with my co-workers and leaders at work; my relationships with my husband and relatives in my personal life and most importantly, it has increased the quality of my relationship with myself.

I acknowledge that therapy is not for everyone. Many who are seeking enlightenment and understand themselves more have turned to self-help books. I believe it’s a good start, but therapy presents an opportunity for a professional to confront your erroneous thought patterns. We all have them, but we are unaware that we do. That’s where your own personal, unbiased, professional can call you on your BS, when needed.

Weight ain’t nothing but a number.

One of the things that I’m proud of this year is joining OrangeTheory Fitness and maintaining an active lifestyle. I completed more than 50 classes this year and I saw some changes in my body’s composition.

I made the mistake of focusing on the numbers on the scale and not my body’s composition of fat and lean muscle. My weight wasn’t changing but I was slowly building more muscle. As I continue with my fitness journey, I’ll be sure to focus on my body composition and not the numbers on the scale.

Don’t worry about “bad” people getting what they deserve.

Earlier in the 2010’s, I had a boss that treated me unfairly. I can save the details for another post, but let’s just say that his actions were unlawful. I find myself googling her name to see if she’s gotten what she deserves.

Then, I realized that there are some people that may not get what they deserve for another 50+ years. If we sit and wish them misfortune, we are only doing harm to ourselves. Let it go and focus on your own success.

In the words of Queen Bey, “Always stay gracious. Best revenge is your paper.”

Simple vacations are the best.

I feel pressured to make every moment of my day productive. I underestimate the power of relaxation and rejuvenation. I prefer to spend my free time immersed in projects or social events. However, 2019 has shown me the value of hitting pause to reflect on life and its happenings. It’s okay to spend an afternoon curled up on the couch reading a good book. It’s okay to spend the winter vacation in your PJ’s binging a Netflix series or an old sitcom that reminds you of your childhood. It’s also okay to spend the entire day in bed doing absolutely nothing but shifting in and out of sleep. We all need an activity that helps us feel rejuvenated.

The dictionary defines loneliness as sadness because one has no friends or company, however, that definition doesn’t remotely articulate the black hole of pain and dread that we can experience when we are feeling lonely. Not to mention it is often something we feel when we are with friends, family and lovers. Research conducted in 2012 surprisingly shows that the loneliest people tend to live with other people or be married and they do not suffer from clinical depression according to Dr. Carla Perissinotto and colleagues at the University of California at San Francisco. We know that being socially isolated leads to loneliness, but so does being in relationships that are not emotionally rewarding.

People of all ages experience loneliness and it can have surprising and harmful effects on your health. Loneliness has been known to raise levels of inflammation and stress, which can negatively impact other health concerns like depression, arthritis and heart disease. It can also impact your sleep cycles and immune system, so you might be more prone to illness. We also know that loneliness impacts certain groups of people like the elderly so profoundly that it increased the risk of worsening disability and death. Yet, research also tells us loneliness peaks in adolescence and young adults’ experience loneliness just as severely as older populations. Loneliness can be hard to understand and it can be challenging to handle when you are experiencing it.

If I am honest, I have experienced fairly extreme loneliness since my early teens. I did not have the emotional maturity at the time to understand what I was feeling. I chose to not feel it, by covering it up and attempting to soothe it with other things like food. I think I have truly allowed myself to feel my loneliness this year for the first time, to really sit with it and at times I thought it was going to swallow me up. This loneliness has seemed bigger than any other painful thing (physical, emotional or mental) I have experienced before.

I am grateful that I have a relationship with a therapist who holds space for me and allows me a venue to explore these dark, murky feelings, but it has been really hard to be honest about it even with her. It seems too immense to even explain and I found I was also feeling deep shame for not being able to find my way out of it. It was almost as if I felt guilty or ungrateful because I am not a person who is socially isolated…I have a family and friends who love me. Yet that love wasn’t and isn’t enough to quell these feelings that had me on my knees.

Loneliness isn’t something we openly talk about. It can feel like you are in the only person in the world experiencing it and it is hard to look around and see people seemingly happy in their lives and relationships when you feel invisible, small and insignificant. When we experience loneliness it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we are hypervigilant about social threat and rejection. It triggers a response in us, that perpetuates the feelings of isolation and negativity. The more we experience these negative responses in the world around us, the easier it is to cling to the story that we are not worthy of love or companionship or good things. It feels as if we have been proven right.

There is shame in wanting something we don’t have, when it feels outside of our control and we have no way to fix it. It is hard not to take it personally when you are the only person you know who isn’t in a relationship or who spends most of their time alone, not by choice. It can be challenging to sit with the feelings of not being chosen. These feelings of unworthiness and rejection cause you to point the finger at yourself and think, “what is wrong with me?” Because we don’t often talk honestly about loneliness, we end up isolating more, hiding our true feelings, and avoiding others by withdrawing which unfortunately leads to more feelings of shame.

More Radical Reads: 7 Tips for Taking Care of Yourself When Dealing With Difficult Times

I thought for a long time that this chasm of pain would subside if I could find a way to love myself and see myself as valuable. I worked really hard to evolve and grow through therapy and a commitment to Radical Self Love, but knowing I am worthy of love has not altered that pain that loneliness brings. Actually, sometimes it makes my pain deeper – something must be really wrong with me if I still haven’t found someone to embrace me in love. Why isn’t anyone genuinely interested in caring for me, when I am a good person with a lot of love to give.

Caleb Luna writes about how to survive as a singled person who lacks the benefits of a romantic partnership like intimacy, care, financial, physical and interpersonal support. He discusses how we were once able to have many of our needs met by friends, but as the people around us commit to partners, our needs fall by the wayside. He brings up so many important points about how we often feel we are not a priority if we are not involved in a romantic partnership and that we all need reciprocal investment and care in order to survive.

I find myself craving someone to ask about my day and go grocery shopping with, someone to touch me on a regular basis (especially in caring, non-sexual ways) and someone who is there to comfort me on bad days. A couple of weeks ago, after an extremely difficult day at work, I sank into a dark place knowing that I desperately needed a hug and really had no way to get one. I could have driven to a friend’s house, but was hesitant to, knowing that my emotional needs would pull her away from caring for her family.

More Radical Reads: 4 Lessons from Never Experiencing a Life with “Romantic” Love

Tackling loneliness is not an easy task and there is no “one-size fits all” solution. I am choosing to sit in the muck of this pain, no matter how hard it is, even when it seems like it will consume me. I am also choosing to talk about it, despite how uncomfortable it makes me, to try and dissolve some of the shame I feel. Human beings crave a sense of belonging and we desire connection. We want to be seen and heard. When I don’t feel connected and I feel completely untethered, I can reach out to others, I can help someone else or I can just say Uncle and grieve. It might not change how I am feeling, but I can continue to invest in myself in radical and loving ways in the meantime.

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[Featured Image: A photo of a person drinking from a white mug. They have long wavy hair and are wearing a dark long-sleeved shirt. Behind them is a blurry natural scene. Source: pexels.com]

CW: health anxiety, menstruation

Let me start off this article by taking you through a particular, very recent, day.

I wake up with a start, fresh off a nightmare, where one of the many, many imagined scenarios that terrify me becomes a reality. I sit up, breathing shallow breaths, feeling the panic from my dream flow through me in a horrible, nauseating wave, and wonder if I will ever feel happy or safe again.

I happen to be at a friend’s place. We were role-playing until late the night before, and I live quite far away.

Soon after I wake up, my friend comes into the room, carrying his 6-month-old son. He passes the baby to me, and as I look at the beautiful, smiling little face, I feel a glimmer of happiness fight its way through the worry and fear. It’s enough.

I leave my friend’s house and travel to the centre of London. I am not in the centre of London very often these days, and there is some shopping I want to do. I walk around for several hours, spending insane amounts of money. I’m tired, but I found bras and jeans that fit pretty well. That made it a successful expedition, and I feel reasonably content.

I go to the toilet before lunch. My period started that morning, and I need to change my tampon. I do not do a very good job of it, and I can feel it as I walk to my lunchtime destination. My anxiety brain suddenly kicks in and my emotions fly from mild discomfort to panic as I remember that toxic shock syndrome is a thing. Lunch is filled with fear, worry, and frantic Google searches for TSS to see if I can find information that might calm me down. I cannot quite finish my lunch, but I am at least able to register that what I ate was quite tasty.

After paying for lunch, I rush back to the toilet and change my tampon again. This time I am extra careful. I wash my hands thoroughly, and I take the time to insert it properly. I cannot feel the new tampon, and I feel like i have done everything I can to lessen my risk of getting TSS. I feel a little bit more in control. It’s enough.

I take the train part of the way home and drive the remaining hour or so (I live in a town in the Cotswolds; an area of the UK with woeful public transportation at the best of times, and this was a Sunday afternoon). The air conditioning is on and there is a top 30 billboard countdown playing on the radio. It is not much, in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like everything to me, because I am calm, and content, and my anxiety is at bay.

I arrive home and spend a lovely evening with my parents, eating chicken kebabs and salad, watching a couple of episodes of Star Trek Voyager, and finishing another article for The Body is Not an Apology before falling asleep.

During the night I have another terrible dream, and wake up to that sickening feeling of panic once more. I amble up to my parents’ bedroom and tell my mother about it. She hugs me and tells me that she has similar thoughts, sometimes. She lets me cry on her shoulder. A Once Upon a Time rerun is playing quietly in the background. I feel the tiniest bit better. It’s not as effective as looking at the happy, smiling face of a beautiful baby, but it’s enough.

This is what a typical day with chronic anxiety is like, for me. Once or twice a day (sometimes more often, occasionally not at all), I will see something, I will read something, or a random thought will flicker into my awareness, and I will become awash with panic and fear.

Thankfully, the worst parts of these attacks are usually fleeting, and after a minute or two I will calm down and bring enough of my conscious thought back into reality to carry on. Sometimes I can speed the process along with deliberate actions (changing a tampon, talking to my mum), or I will happen upon something that makes me feel better (such as a baby’s smiling face).

Sometimes, even after the initial wave of panic, the lingering feeling of fear and dread does not quickly dim down. Normally this happens when I have not done anything deliberate to help myself, or, worse, I have tried to help myself and gone about it the wrong way (a classic example of this for myself, and other health anxiety sufferers, is Googling our symptoms), thereby making that lingering feeling worse. When this happens, it can take days, or weeks, for the fear and dread to quiet down.

More Radical Reads: 10 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Has Anxiety

Even when things are going well, and it has been a while since I have had a long-term bout of lingering fear/dread, I am always aware of of it. My anxiety lurks in the background somewhere, ready to jump in at barely a moment’s notice to ruin another day.

Fortunately, in the six years that I have been dealing with this particular anxiety demon, I have discovered a number of methods and practices that help me to manage it and live a reasonably full and fun life. Here are a couple of my favourites:

• Exercise: I know that exercise probably comes second to meditation on a long list of stereotypical advice given to depression and/or anxiety sufferers, but it is first on this list for a reason. My anxiety is generally worst in the morning, when I find I have a lot of pent-up anxiety energy that I want to get rid of but don’t know how. I discovered that working out in the mornings not only allows me to to expel a lot of that anxiety energy, but it also makes me concentrate on my body and my breathing, rather than on my panic and worry. Plus, of course, the release of happy endorphins is probably doing a little bit more to keep sadness away..

• Comedy Podcasts: these are a relatively recent discovery, but they deserve a spot on here because they have been fantastic, for me. When I am doing something relatively simple that requires the use of my eyes and hands (crocheting, driving, etc.), I often find that I need something else to keep my anxiety brain at bay. A lot of people listen to music (and I do too), but there’s something about comedy podcasts that seems to work better. I think it is to do with the chatty nature of them; it feels like I’m listening to a nice, and funny, conversation, and I find conversations relatively immersive.

• Tell People: I am hardly breaking new ground when I say that mental illness needs to be talked about – people have been saying that for decades. I have always been quite upfront about the fact that I have a mental illness, so whenever the subject of ‘telling people’ came up, I waved it off as something that I was already doing. As it turned out, while everybody I was reasonably close to knew that I had a mental illness, none of them knew a thing about the intricacies of said illness. The details of the weird thoughts I get, the scenarios I dream up, the mundane things in everyday life that cause me to panic – I told nobody about them, and was suffering in relative silence as a result. So now I make a conscious effort to tell someone when I am having some sort of bad anxiety spell and what, if anything, has caused it. Knowing that somebody else is aware of what is going on with you helps to share, and therefore lighten, the burden.

• Seek Help, and Get an Official Diagnosis: I realise this might not be a good thing for everybody to do, but it was very helpful for me. I had been diagnosed in the past, but my most recent diagnosis happened after a 45-minute long phone conversation, during which I answered mental health surveys specific to my condition, for the first time ever. Being told by a mental health professional that my condition was both present and severe felt like a massive relief, as it confirmed that the way I thought and felt was very abnormal, and that effort could and would be made to do something about it. I am now on a waiting list for an intense form of behavioural therapy, and even knowing that treatment is on its way is reassuring.

More Radical Reads: Ways Anxiety Can Affect a Person (That You Might Not Know)

Living well with chronic anxiety and/or depression is a challenge that I really wish fewer people had to face. Battling something that never seems to go away can feel frustrating and futile. But as far as I am concerned, good living is something well worth fighting for. And so I will continue to fight for it.

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[Feature Image: A photo of a person with short blond hair.  Their face is looking upward and is in profile. Behind them is a window with a white curtain.  Source: Alessandra]

Much has been written with regards to emotional labor in the past few years. Specifically, women have been writing about the emotional labor they must bear in the world in various ways, specifically, with cis men and their own families. As a trans-femme of color with light-skinned privilege, I have had my share of emotional labor. I do become exhausted with providing emotional support with people in my circle of friends, my family, and my community. I also need to constantly assess my capacity for emotional labor because I am a therapist. Being a clinician five days a week provides me with the opportunity to hold space for people of various backgrounds with different personal stories, and I am honored to do so. However, performing constant emotional labor on a daily basis can be emotionally taxing. Nevertheless, emotional mutual aid and emotional decolonization is one site of personal liberation.

Capitalism, white-supremacy, and patriarchy thrive on self-destruction and isolation. Emotional mutual aid brings people together to share one’s internal world with one another. It brings people together to question,  “How are any of my daily practices or interactions with others problematic or self-destructive?”, “Is this or that habit a product of my internalized oppression?”, or “How are my own idiosyncrasies rooted in my own individual privilege and dominations of those around me?” Whilst emotional labor tends to be an activity through which marginalized folks perform for their privileged counterparts, emotional labor is what brings marginalized people together to emotionally survive on a daily basis.

In this conversation here, I want to name six ways I notice I am exhausted from providing emotional labor. However, I also want to take some time to share strategies I employ to prevent becoming burnt out from emotional support.

1) Being Overstimulated

There are times I notice when I become easily overwhelmed by sounds, smells, and visual stimuli. I then become avoidant of being out in public and being in large crowds of people. This is an internal cue that sometimes leads me back to assess the interpersonal work I have performed throughout my day. And, when I do this, more times than not, I notice that I did some pretty emotional heavy-lifting with someone.

2) Intellectually Incapacitated

I make it a point to read a couple of times a week after work for about thirty to forty-five minutes. I read to learn more about the world as well as to validate my own feelings and social justice convictions. However, after a long day of social work, sometimes I don’t feel like reading. As a radical social worker, I attempt to provide empathy for person’s journey which may be very tragic. Reading about oppression at the end of the day is basically out of the picture because I bear witness to intersectional oppression all day.

3) Anxiousness

A hallmark experience for me when I have been performing too much emotional labor is anxiety. A very common psychological characterization of the folks I support is  catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is  not only a personality trait of the folks I work with as a professional, but also in my personal life. I have found that catastrophizing is a personality characteristic of empaths and folks with trauma. By catastrophizing I mean constantly worrying about something will go wrong. I find that I perform a lot of work helping folks assess their immediate realities and help them self-soothe. After doing this for long periods of time, I find that I then begin myself to catastrophize. I begin to second guess myself constantly and worry about little things.

4) Less able to hold space for myself / less time for self-care

When I am constantly holding space for people I am less capable to hold space for myself, and have less emotional time for self care. Sometimes I attempt to schedule a time to work on me in solitude or with the support of someone else. Most likely I will not have the capacity to support myself if I have supported someone earlier in the day, which then gets consequently gets rescheduled for another time. Other times I just want to relax and enjoy my evening after work and watch TV. This gets disrupted if I have to support someone in the middle of my evening. I also always try to keep a regular meal routine at lunch and dinner. However, when called to meet with someone at my job, I will sometimes wait to eat till mid-afternoon.

5) Increased co-dependence on the person for whom I am performing emotional labor.

If I am rigorously attending to someone’s emotional needs, sometimes my personal boundaries with them become blurred. I begin to become hyper-vigilant that I may say the wrong thing. I begin to hold their feelings for them. I often worry about what they will say when words gets around about something or an event they endured comes back in their disfavor.

6) Avoidance or resentment at the person for whom I am performing emotional labor.

Lastly, I notice I begin to become resentful of a person for whom I am performing emotional labor. This resentfulness does not have anything to do with if this person is or is not reciprocating emotional labor.  They may not be someone who I feel comfortable sharing a particular problem at a certain point in time. To be honest, I begin to feel resentful at someone when they are not taking action to begin personal healing. I understand the readiness to change is a process with which I have to be patient. Part of my emotional labor facilitates people’s internal guidance to problem solving. If I have been holding space for someone regarding the same issue for an extended period of time, I would hope they begin to problem solve. It is when they do not take action steps is when I begin to feel resentful.

Holding space for someone is an honor and sacred act. It is with this sanctity from which I have learned to honor myself, others, and the process of emotional reciprocity. I have been blessed to become a constant learner in the art of emotional mutual aid.

More Radical Reads: 8 Lessons That Show How Emotional Labor Defines Women’s Lives

Here are some strategies I employ or which I hope others employ when engaging in emotional labor:

1) Asking for consent to get deep.

Many times, when I visit my mother, she immediately begins to inform me about deep tragedies affecting immediate or extended members of the family. Although I understand me visiting is a time to catch up, sometimes I don’t want to come to my parents home and hear all this struggle. I wish my mother would ask, “Can I check in with you about a few things that are heavy?”. My partner and I have a best practice of asking each other for consent before we delve deep into traumatic experiences we share, whether it be of our own or others. Obtaining consent from someone one before I begin to get their emotional support gives them the cue that I explicitly need support, and provides them when the space to determine if they possess a capacity to do so. This also relates to ways I identify as becoming overstimulated or intellectually incapacitated. When someone asks me for consent to hold space with them, it allows me the opportunity to check my current level of stimulation and emotional capacity. It helps me prepare to get into a mindset of supportive role. Asking for consent brings me into the next strategy.

2) Clarifying roles for the moment

Although one of the hardest things to do, and something I need to start consistently practicing, is clarifying my role as a person providing emotional labor. Emotional labor consists of different dimensions: listening coaching, encouraging, reflecting, problem solving, or physical assistance or accompaniment to name a few. Being explicit about what role one is seeking or asking is another way to cue someone to mentally prepare for emotional labor. It gives someone informed consent about what type of emotional labor one is providing.

3) Scheduling deep conversations at appropriate times:

Scheduling appropriate times to have a deep conversation, I find, is key. This also goes hand-in-hand with asking for consent for or to obtain support. Asking someone through text or voicemail if they have time to support me is the first step I take when asking for emotional support. I am providing them with an opportunity to check-in with themselves to see if they have emotional capacity to do so. When someone asks me to support them, I attempt to schedule it at an appropriate time, such as not too early and not too late. Or, also, not before a regular scheduled meal, such as lunch or dinner. It is much easier to schedule an appropriate time to ask or provide emotional labor when one ask asked for consent to do so ahead of time.

4) Trigger warnings – trauma reminders

Giving someone trigger warnings has become a common practice in the the art of emotional labor. Even when I am in an already deep conversation with someone, I attempt to not be remised to provide trigger warnings. This gives someone the cue that I may bring up something that may trigger their own trauma.

5) Caring plans: what are you doing for self-care and healing.

Assisting someone to develop self-care plans may be cumbersome to employ all the time, but it has many benefits. This leads me back to all of the ways that I identify I am feeling exhausted from emotional labor, specifically becoming resentful. I mentioned that I become resentful of a person for whom I am providing emotional labor on a consistent basis, but they have not taken it upon themselves to begin problem solving or heal on their own. Developing a care plan solves this. Included in a self-care plan outlines how they will self-care between now and later. It also outlines what steps they need to take to being problem solving their situation.

More Radical Reads: 7 Tactics of Emotional Abuse Used By Trump Supporters Post-Election

6) Community Care: Support Groups and Traditional Healing

Another important strategy to avoid emotional labor burn-out is to always refer someone to a form of community care. Community care can be a support group or some form of traditional community healing, such as a healing circle. I attend various 12-step groups as well as started attending a healing circle for an organization of which I am apart. For those who are familiar or a part of support groups, there is unspoken power about hearing other people’s struggles as well as verbalizing one’s own struggle aloud with other people present. Many community healing forums already have built into them a format for personal recovery and collective liberation, such as rigorous forms of self-reflection, holding oneself and others accountable, power analyses, and connecting with one’s ancestors, or a grasping a meaning or symbolism greater than oneself.

Emotional labor is a primary means through which marginalized folks help each other emotionally survive on a daily basis. That being said, the experiences we bear in the world are heavy, and we need strategies to prevent emotional burnout with one another. I hope my naming of the ways I become emotionally exhausted resonates with others. I also hope the strategies I have outlined here bear some resemblance to what folks are already practicing, or might point someone in the right direction to caring for themselves and others. Emotional labor should not be the physical labor through which we are exploited by capitalism, it should be the practice of loving through which we achieve personal transformation and collective liberation.

[Featured Image: Two individuals stands outdoors captured from the neck down as they stand face to face. The person on the left wears a green coat, plaid scarf, jeans and boots while the person on the right is wearing a black jacket, jeans and gym shoes with their hands in their back pockets. Source: Pexels]

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Have you ever wondered why you compare yourself to others? Do you ever wonder why you feel bad when you compare yourself to others? Comparing your situation is one of the biggest ways you can hold yourself back. In this article Stop making comparisons, You are enough, I share the main reasons why and how people get stuck in the comparison habit, and what you can do about it.

Many people get caught up in the idea that they have to be just like everybody else. But in truth you can’t be everybody else, it’s impossible!
Comparisons start at a very early age. For instance, the habit of constantly comparing yourself with someone else usually begins at school. If you’ve got brothers and sisters it can start before you can walk or talk.

In my youth I remember hearing, “why can’t you be a good girl like your brother?” or “why can’t you be an ‘A’ student in math’s like your brother?”
“You’re not as smart, or as pretty as your friend.”  Have you ever felt that way, like you weren’t as good as someone else? If you did, however, without even realizing it, comparing yourself with others became automatic. For those that continue to think this way end up feeling inferior or not good enough. Feeling inferior creates a lot of stress in the mind and body.

There Is No Comparison!

It is a scientific fact that no two people who ever lived on this planet were exactly alike. Every human being has a different set of values, gifts, skills, abilities, and experiences and therefore have completely unique situations and circumstances.

What is meaningful to one person will be very different for another. Everyone is born with certain aptitudes which have nothing to do with heredity.
Comparing yourself with others only puts you down. And when you compare yourself with others you are being unfair to yourself. Therefore, by doing this you can become so discouraged that you will never attempt to reach your full potential.

The reality is there is no comparison because no matter what, you have your own point of view, and experiences. Furthermore, they will be completely different from others, so there really is no comparison.

Comparing Is Just A Habit

Comparing yourself to others is just an old habit. When I gave up the habit of comparing myself to others my whole world changed. I began to see myself as an individual with a unique perspective, a unique set of values and my own purpose in life which has nothing to do with anyone else.

During this time of my life I decided to invest in myself and hire a coach. My coach at the time helped me to see what I could not see myself.  She helped me to uncover the old unconscious pattern’s and beliefs that were holding me back. Those coaching sessions were priceless. Empowering me to stand in front of 200 project managers and teach them about Breakthrough Mindsets, and work with people from all walks of life, so they can be the best version of themselves.

If you where to ask any successful person, they will tell you they had an advisor, coach, or mentor to help them to get where they are now.
This is why I do what I do, helping people to break free of the obstacles in their life so they can create more happiness, balance, wealth, and fulfillment.
So, when you eliminate the habit of comparisons, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your life. The world will literally be your oyster.

In conclusion, if you recognize that you have developed a habit of comparing yourself to others, and are ready to start being the empowered person your were born to be. Follow the link below, and learn how we can help you breakthrough your limitations, rewire your brain, and create powerful mindset shifts that lead to lasting change and new results.

I was a dud in college.

I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.

My college was located in a city 30 minutes away from my parents’ house. I stayed on campus to get the “true college experience,” but I often went home during the weekends and even during the week to attend family events or attend my childhood church.

Given that my parents’ lived within a 30-mile radius of my college campus, I did not need to stay on-campus. I could have stayed at my parents’ house and carpooled to campus with Mom each morning since she worked a mere 10 minutes away from my college.

My church was 15 minutes away. Church kept me busy between Sunday service, mid-week service, and “College Night” on Fridays.

Being near my family, my childhood church, and in a familiar environment prevented me from going “wild.” It kept me grounded and focused on my purpose for enrolling in college, which was to make good grades and be accepted into a top graduate school program.

I’m glad I didn’t go “off the rails,” but I regret not embracing the true college experience. College is a holding place between adolescence and full-on adulthood. It’s utopia! You have the best of both worlds. You have the freedom to do what you want (eat icecream for dinner or go to a party on a school night) without any of the adult-like responsibilities (paying rent/mortgage or deciding what life insurance to purchase). You have the metabolism of a teenager, which means gaining the Freshman 15 but losing it by the second semester of your Sophomore year.

The world requires very little from you. One time, I accepted a position at the college bookstore. On the first day of work, I arrived on time, with my paperwork in hand. The manager was surprised that I even showed up. His astonishment came from the fact that none of his other new hires ever showed up to work on their first day. Apparently, college students are not expected to keep their word.

I was so focused on being a “good student,” making good grades and staying out of trouble that I lived a “fasted lifestyle.” I did not do anything that I thought my church folks, my family, or God would frown upon.

If I were given the good fortune of redoing college, I’d do it right. I’d carelessly gain the Freshman 15, go on dates, party on a Tuesday night and sleep through my 8am class, go on Miami Spring Break, and change my major multiple times.

The truth is that the Real World will be there to greet you on the other side of graduation. So, until then, why rush it? Carpe diem! The real world is not expecting anything out of you anyway.

Gain the Freshman 15.

In college, all you have to do is wake up in time to go to the cafe. It’s not always the best food you ever had, but it’s tolerable and prepaid. Eat away!

I was so hell-bent on not gaining the Freshman 15. While my friends were enjoying Fried Chicken Wednesday and all the peach cobbler they could stomach, I was trying to watch my calories and exercise. Little did I know, that 15 years later, my metabolism was going to change. I should have eaten whatever I wanted then.

Go on dates.

I took a vow of celibacy before I started college, so I was scared to have a boyfriend and break my vow. I had two guys who might have been interested in me during undergrad and I screwed up both opportunities with my shenanigans.

The first guy was my friend’s cousin. He was candy to my eyes. He was honestly the most good-looking brother I had ever seen. We exchanged numbers and I don’t know what happened. All I remember is that he never called me again. In those days, it was a sport to scare away men. And I was such a dud, I probably booted him off the phone so that I could read my Bible or pray.

The other guy was an a-okay guy I met at a bookstore. Click here to read what happened to him.

Party so hard that you sleep through your 8am class.

I went to college parties, but I kept my eye on the time. I don’t think I enjoyed the party as much as I could have because I was always so worried about missing my class. I might have been at the party in the flesh, but my mind was elsewhere.

Nowadays, as a 30-something, I don’t go to parties like I used to, but when I do, I make sure I get myself home before bedtime. It’s a practice that’s not much different than my college years. But now is when it really counts, especially for the type of work I do. I cannot go into an executive meeting with a hangover. I should have taken advantage of my college years and slept through the 8am class when the only thing at risk might have been a less-than-perfect attendance.

Go on Spring Break (not alternative spring break, but the spring break)

It wasn’t until my senior year that I went on Spring Break. It wasn’t a traditional college Spring Break in Miami either, it was a Spring Break with a religious organization in California. Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad I went. But hearing all about the fun that Miami Spring Break has to offer makes me feel a little jealous.

Change your major several times.

I went to school knowing that I wanted to be a Psychology major. And I didn’t explore anything else. I regret that. I wish I took a Creative Writing class or a Political Science class. I probably would have settled on Psychology anyway, but it would have been nice to broaden my horizons.

To all of you newly oriented freshwomen and men out there, YOLO. There’s nothing on the other side of the college gates but Sallie Mae and taxes.

S&T, tell me about your college experience! If you could redo your college experience, what would you do differently? Let’s chat in the comments section below. 

Creating Calm States of Being

To trigger the opposite effect, we can calm the mind and body in a matter of minutes. Creating a calm state will switch on the parasympathetic nervous system, which produces a natural relaxation response sending calming hormones throughout the body.

Our body is naturally equipped with everything we need to repair and heal, but it only works when we are in a calm and relaxed state of being. High levels of repetitive stress has a negative effect on the body, so I’m here today to share with you a simple a very effective way to calm your mind and reduce stress.

If you are wanting to take a quick break, recover after work, refresh and rejuvenate after a long hard day, or just be at peace throughout your day, then this will be perfect for you. What I want you to do right now, is listen to the video above and go through the relaxation process I’ve shared for you.

Let’s Get Started

Sit in a quiet, comfortable position and close your eyes.

Deeply relax all the muscles of your body.

Relaxing your toes, soles of your feet,

legs, hips,

back of your body,

shoulders, arms hands, and fingers,

now your neck back of your head,

facial muscles,

throat,

chest, stomach, abdomen.

Your whole body from your toes to the top of your head,

and your head to your toes, deeply relaxed.

Breathe through your nose.

Become aware of your breathing, flowing easily and effortlessly.

As you breathe out, say the word calm silently to yourself.

Breathe in and as you breathe out say calm,

breathe in and breathe out and say calm.

And continue breathing in and out saying calm.

Continue for 10 minutes breathing easily and naturally.

When you are finished, sit quietly a little longer with mindful awareness.

Practice this process regularly as it will help to condition your natural relaxation response. Creating homeostasis and a healthy mind and body.

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 


IT’S SUPER GOOD!!! 

“From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

If you notice that you are in the habit of self-criticism or putting yourself down for any reason, its time to stop it now! Did you know that negative self-talk is directly communicating to your subconscious mind, which will keep you stuck in a cycle a feeling bad about yourself.

Many of us in our younger years had unpleasant experiences that made us think badly of ourselves. While some of us had so many we unconsciously translated them into core beliefs. These beliefs are expressed into feelings and emotions, where we may have found ourselves feeling inadequate, that there is something wrong with us, and we are powerless victims of our circumstances.

Be More Aware

It’s important if you know that you talk negatively to yourself, to stop it immediately. Stop calling yourself names. It’s just an old habit you’ve got yourself into, and this is how people get stuck in a cycle of feeling bad about themselves..

Are you in the habit of calling yourself names? Eliminate any words that puts you down, like idiot, stupid, or dummy from your thoughts and your vocabulary.
Get rid of any of those old unflattering terms. Because those old words keep you stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts, and beliefs that do absolutely nothing for your self-esteem or self-image.

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. – Eckhart Tolle

Change What You Are Saying To Yourself

Keep your self talk positive, find the good points about yourself, take a look at all the things that you are really good at and the things that makes you truly happy.
You’re the only one that can change this inside of you, so start today. Remember nothing ever good came from talking bad about yourself.

Start practicing every day, being your own best friend and being kind and loving to yourself. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Right?
What you can expect from your efforts if you’re willing to spend a little time improving yourself, you will gain more self-confidence, more satisfying relationships, and a happier version of yourself. How good is that! Plus you’re more likely to start attracting the kind of people that you truly want to be hanging around with. Therefore, you are more likely to have loving relationships because guess what? you start loving yourself more.

Dissolving Bad Habits

If you are looking to make changes in how you feel about yourself. We can help you to install better messages into your subconscious mind. So that you can feel empowered, and start attracting and manifesting what you truly want in your life automatically. This is what we do, we help people to break through the limiting mindsets that are getting in the way of true fulfillment and the joy that they deserve. Personal Mindset Coach – To claim your free 30-minute consultation click the link here

Just follow the links here, so you can get your free Activate Your Manifesting Muscle MP3 Empowering mindset training program right now today.
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