Category: Family & Parenting

Anna has always been fiercely independent. At a younger age than her friends, she would no longer let me hold her hand. She liked hugs, but stopped wanting all my attention before her two sisters did. It was as if she knew her role as the oldest child—she was the strong-willed one, the determined one.

The daughter who would test out new waters. I suppose I should have seen her tweenhood coming a mile away. Although, she teased me into believing it might not happen because as independent as she was, she would still always come back to me for a cuddle at the end of the day. She still asked me to lay down in bed with her. She still wanted me near because I was her mother. 

And then she turned twelve.

My 12 year old pulled away from me

Part of me knew it was coming. Everyone tells you to prepare for tween and teen daughters. And, as expected, at twelve, she pulled away from me the same way I did from my own mother. The rational side of my brain understood this was an important part of her development. That she had to do this to learn who she was going to be. 

But the emotional side, the side that remembers her soft newborn body resting on my chest, the sweet milky smell of her skin, that side took it hard.

Even when we are in a room together my daughter’s attention is elsewhere

When Anna and I are in a room together now and she stands in front of me, I can see her attention is usually elsewhere. She looks down at her phone, or across the room at her sisters. She’s distant, not because she’s mean but because she’s learning who she is and who she wants to be. And it has absolutely nothing to do with me. 

I know this. I’m okay with this. I tell myself this every day. Yet, my stubborn side isn’t ready to let Anna go completely. 

And so, the idea of our one-on-one vacation was born. 

A while ago, when my husband and I were talking, we agreed that we both loved those rare moments when we get alone time with our children—driving them to hockey, taking them to an appointment, sitting and chatting with them for a few minutes before bed. 

We decided to take one-on-one trips with our kids

Our middle daughter will tell me every detail about every minute of her day if I ask the right questions. She holds nothing back. (Thank goodness).

And our youngest is still young enough that she likes me to hold her hand and lay down with her at night, she still lets me walk with her to school. That’s when I get to hear the good stuff. That’s when she’ll tell me all about her friends and what she likes to do at recess, or when she’ll regale me with details of the funniest part of a book she’s reading.

Anna, on the other hand, plays her cards close to her chest. She’s quiet and contemplative; a private kid who would rather not share details. It’s taken me a while to figure this out and learn to accept it, but I have every intention of letting her keep most things to herself, because independence is important. 

I suppose I’ve wrestled with knowing how to balance how much I need to know to keep her safe and how much is hers alone. I’m starting to learn that if I’m just present and listen, she might tell me something. And even though those moments are rare, I keep showing up because I want her to know that I’m here. I will always be here if she needs me, if she ever wants to open up and talk. Especially during the teen years that are in front of us now.

After agreeing that solo time was important, my husband and I discussed the idea of parent-and-kid trips and how it might work. With three of them, it wasn’t financially possible for us to do it whenever we felt like it, especially since we go on family vacations each summer. 

We eventually made the decision that I would take each of our daughters on a trip, just the two of us, when they turn thirteen years old.

I wanted alone time with my daughter

My husband has been taking all three of the girls on one-on-one Dad and daughter camping trips since they were about three or four years old. They would go into the backwoods where they would portage and set up camp somewhere mostly remote and make dinner over a fire and go to the bathroom in a hole in the ground. I usually stayed home with whoever was a baby at the time—and then with the dog when he got her. (A 90-pound bouvier and a tippy canoe don’t mix.) And I learned that I like my bed and my toilet, thank you very much.

But I wanted a moment like the one they had with each other. And maybe, even if she didn’t realize it, Anna wanted it, too.

As she got closer to thirteen, we talked about the idea together. My only rule was that the destination had to be within reason; nothing way out of our price range and nothing that would be hard for me (a very directionally challenged person) to navigate on my own. We decided on London, England, which is expensive, yes, but manageable. Besides, it was Anna’s choice, and the fact that she showed interest made me want to move heaven and earth to make it happen.

And our trip together was magical

After packing our bags and taking a red eye flight where neither one of us could sleep, we made it. And that was when the magic happened. 

We navigated extremely busy streets filled with crowds of people, and I felt her slim fingers reach for my hand. We went to restaurants at night, and she sat across from me, looking directly in my eyes while she opened up to me about her friends and school and how she felt about her upcoming hockey season.

We compared our steps on our watches daily (usually around 20,000) and commiserated about how tired our legs were each night. We found a silly game show that came on right around the time we were getting ready for bed, so we tucked ourselves in and watched, yelled answers at the TV and laughed at one another before we said good night and drifted off to sleep.

We eventually got to the point where we didn’t have to say much at all. We could sit at breakfast, or take in an incredible sight and just be with one another, an easy silence settled between us. 

We saw a show in a theatre, we witnessed historical sites, we took in the beauty of Buckingham Palace, and all of it was incredible, something Anna and I will tuck away in our memory banks for a very long time. 

The small moments are the ones that will stay with me

But it was the little moments that made the deepest impression. They’re the ones that will stay with me forever. 

It was when Anna would talk openly, and I would pause everything and listen. (Why does it seem impossible to do this when at home?) Or when she asked me questions about my books or my writing. It was when I marveled at the way her interesting and exceptional brain would work while she navigated our way through the tube for us.

And it was the way my eyes would water when I watched her hop and skip with joy, like she did when she was little—something she only did because it was just the two of us, no friends, no schoolmates we might possibly run into.

It was all of those beautiful moments in time that filled my soul. And I think—I hope—the building blocks of a solid foundation between us were settled.

My first child has always been my test child

Ever since she was born, Anna has been my test child. She was the one I had to learn from—both the right and wrong ways of parenting. She taught me how to raise a baby and a toddler. She helped me become more confident and relaxed when her sisters came into the world. But at each new age and stage, even as she got older and left the baby years behind, I had to learn something brand new to me in parenting, and she had to learn, too. 

It wasn’t until she became more of an adult and less of a little kid that Anna taught me something very important: Our vacation could have been to anywhere. We could have taken a road trip to the next town over—and I would gladly do that, too. 

We didn’t have to go far to discover that despite busy schedules, sharing time among three kids, and a deep desire for independence, she still needs and wants to get to know her mother. 

And, with every inch of my being, I know I will never stop wanting to know everything about her. 

More Great Reading:

How I Got My 14-Year Old Son to Spend Time With Me, Again

“This is your 2 weeks notice. Starting on November 1, you need to start paying me $500 a month if you want to stay here.” My dad announced to me. 

“What?!?!?” I exclaimed. “You’re giving me two weeks’ notice or I need to move out?” I clarified, making sure I hadn’t misheard. 

“That’s correct. I am renting this house. And you need to contribute now that you have a full-time job” my dad replied. 

Just a month after I turned 22 my dad asked me to pay him rent

I was at a loss for words. Just a month after I turned 22 and had started my first corporate job, I was essentially given a 2 weeks’ notice for my own home. I felt sick to my stomach as tears rolled down my cheeks. I just couldn’t understand why I was being charged to live at home. I took it personally and felt unwelcome in my own home. Why did I all of a sudden have to pay for a room that had been free to me for years? 

This had ruined my after-graduation plan, which was to stay home for a couple of years after graduating to save up money and then to buy my own place instead of spending tons of money on rent. Plus, my 9 to 5 job was just a 20-minute commute from my dad’s house. It didn’t make sense to rent an apartment in the Bay Area, one of the most expensive places in the country, especially for someone making an entry-level salary. 

I tried to convince my dad that he was wrong to ask for rent

I tried to reason with my dad, telling him that most of my friends lived at home with their parents for free. I also told him that the whole reason why I had decided to stay at home was to save money and that by paying him rent I wouldn’t be saving the way I had originally hoped to. He wouldn’t budge. Over the next 14 months, I reluctantly paid my dad $500 every month, and I absolutely hated it. 

But now that I have moved out and look back on that time, I am actually grateful my dad charged me rent. First, it taught me to value money.

Getting my first full-time job, I was making almost double as much money as I had been making in the past. Instead of spending this money shopping or on things I didn’t need, I learned to budget and save, a very valuable life skill. Having to pay rent as soon as I had a corporate job, it taught me that I needed to set aside a certain amount of money each month for my living expenses — something I would need to do for the rest of my life. 

It also motivated me to want to move out. I had originally planned to stay at home until age 24, but I ended up leaving just after I turned 23. Living with a parent after graduating made me realize how much I craved the independence I had back in college.

I really missed living on my own and feeling like a real adult. I figured if I was already paying rent, I might as well be paying it at a place I enjoy being. I think if I had been living rent-free at home, I would have stayed a lot longer.

So, as the child of a parent who charged rent, and was angry at first, but is now grateful, here is my answer to the question: 

Questions to consider before charging your young adult rent

1. Can your young adult afford the extra cost? In my case, the answer was yes, since I had just started a corporate job. My dad didn’t charge me while I was job searching. If your child is working full time and making a salary, then the answer could be yes, it is okay to charge them to contribute to the household. 

2. Are you renting your living space (their portion goes to the rent versus to you)? Or charging them what you pay for their groceries? In these cases, it seems fair to charge your child. 

3. Is what you’re charging lower than what they would be paying if they had an apartment nearby? The main reason that adult children move home after graduating is either to figure out their next steps or to save money. This is typically a transitional phase in a young adult’s life and can be a stressful time, so keep this in mind if you are considering charging them the equivalent of an apartment. 

4. Do you plan to save the money and give it back to them after? Some parents will charge their children rent and then put it into a savings account for their child to have when they move out. In this case, my answer will always be yes and this is fair because it teaches them responsibility, budgeting, saving, and also helps them in the long run. My dad didn’t do this for me, but some of my friends’ parents did this and they felt very grateful for this.  

What works for some families won’t work for others. But, be sure to ask yourself these questions if you are on the fence about charging your adult child rent. 

More Great Reading:

How to Help Your College Student With a Job Search: 7 Tips From Experts

It was a chilly Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, and I was out in the city with my 16-year-old, high school junior. Earlier that afternoon, she sat in my apartment, far too close to a too-large TV, playing The Sims on the Xbox. She was doing what she loves to do most in that game, and just about every other kind of game online and off that she’s played since she was a toddler: naming people and changing their clothes.

As the older sister of the Vasquez family came to life on screen, my kiddo talked again about what college life at Temple University could be like, how she’d be close enough to home to still have me doing her laundry, and how exciting it’d be to go abroad to Sweden for a women’s studies curriculum as part of her social work major. She even asked if I really thought that she might actually have a class with Jaleesa Molina, a current freshman and her favorite player on the Temple Women’s Basketball team.

In between rose-tinted visions of her near future, my excitable daughter, who has famously changed her mind on the things she loves most in mid-sentence, also asked my opinion on the name Tabitha for the elder Vasquez Sims kid. I liked it, saying we could nickname her Tabs to go along with the younger Sim sister, Mags (short for Maggie). Mags and Tabs!

I’m trying something new to encourage my daughter to stick to something

I was now chanting it and she was feigning embarrassment even though no one else was around. No doubt these fictional character names, like her major, dream job, where she wants to live, and ‘all-time’ favorite bands will change many, many times between now and next weekend, but I’m trying something new to make her future stickier. I’m trying to leverage her newfound interest in the Temple Women’s basketball team to keep her focused on a few things she’s passionate about right now.

In the past, I would make similar investments of time and money in her fleeting passions, hoping that she’d find herself by finding something she loves doing and that maybe that would present a pathway toward a happy future.

There were packs of canvases and paints brought home from the local arts-and-crafts store so that she could express herself through art, far too many broken electronics carried into the house from neighbor’s curbside trash piles so she could tinker because at that time she loved sciences and understanding how things worked, and the countless hours I spent photographing the earrings and necklaces she and her sister made for their Etsy shop. Sadly, nothing stuck longer than a Band-Aid on a fingertip. 

Years ago, Mallory went to a college basketball game with a friend’s family and enjoyed the squeak of the sneakers and the fast-paced action, and how the sport was radically different than the soccer that I often had on the TV at home. Since she’s been focused on going to Temple for social work for a surprisingly long time now, maybe six months or so, I decided to look up the women’s basketball team’s schedule as the new season was just getting started in the fall and asked my kiddo if she wanted to go to a game.

With tickets being just $10 each and lots of free street parking around the arena, the barrier to entry was low. By halftime of that game, she was hooked, had picked out a couple of favorite players (as had I), and was consulting the free pocket schedule to see when they’d next play a home game. Luckily, it was just a week away, the day before Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, as if the stars aligned, I found her an oversized Temple sweatshirt at the local thrift shop and because she loves thrifting and had a new love for Temple basketball. She was a beam of pure light when I gave her this like-new $12 find. To sweeten the deal, I took her to her favorite restaurant before tip-off for our second game, and that’s where the stars that were already aligned became radiant.

Our server encouraged my daughter to stick with social work

Our server was named Tabitha, Tabs for short — no lie — and she was so lovely in talking to my daughter, asking her what we were up to in the city that night.

In response to hearing from Mallory that we were headed to the Temple game because that’s where she wants to go for social work, Tabs glowed, leaned in close, and said directly to my kid,

A lot of people will tell you that social work is hard and doesn’t pay well, but I’m a family counselor during the day and I work with social workers all the time. We need you! The job is rewarding in so many ways and essential! Stick with it and you’re going to do great.

I’m a full-time writer, but I couldn’t have scripted a scenario like that!

Sadly, Temple lost in overtime to a local rival by 2 points that night, but ultimately both Mallory and I won a much bigger game. She asked for and got some more Temple garb for Christmas, including a sweatshirt with her favorite player’s #8 on the back, and we’ve been back to the arena a couple more times since.

There’s still a long way to go between now and the Temple University Class of 2029’s freshman orientation, but thanks to Aleah Nelson, Ines Piper, Tiarra East, Jaleesa Molina, and the rest of the 2023-2024 Temple Women’s Basketball team, I believe my once wishy-washy kid’s future is stickier and has more permanence than ever before. 

My daughter has wanted at least two dozen things in her life

When I was young, I only ever wanted to be one thing, a chef who runs a charming bed and breakfast. In a roundabout way, I achieved that goal when I became a stay-at-home dad. Sure, I had the same two picky clients every single night for almost 15 years, but still, I was cooking, packing lunches, vacuuming, doing laundry, and making beds. It was a dream fulfilled.

Conversely, the youngest of those two guests, my daughter Mallory, has passionately, albeit briefly, wanted to be over two dozen things and is only just now narrowing her focus. Late last year, I had an idea to try to make her latest dream career, a Temple University graduate with a degree in social work, a little stickier. 

More Great Reading:

We Need To Rethink Encouraging Our Teens To “Follow Your Passion”

As a mother of three boys, and a Certified Public Accountant, I assumed my kids would know how to handle money responsibly. I was very mature as a teen in dealing with my own finances. I applied for and received my first credit card at 15 years old, had a checking and savings account, and as April 15th rolled around, prepared my own taxes and sent them to the IRS.

After my 18-year-old college freshman asked me how money just “appeared” on his debit card, I realized that maybe I should have prepared him with some basic financial knowledge before he left for college.

The convenience of digital banking has, ironically, resulted in young people being less finically savvy. We wrote checks and kept a register, they use banking apps and Venmo.

We deposited our paychecks at the bank and received cash, they use direct deposit and don’t use or carry much cash. We applied for one credit card and built strong credit, they are bombarded daily with digital advertisements for “free money”, and often receive it the same day.

The instant gratification of credit cards, coupled with new found freedom and limited financial knowledge, is a recipe for disaster for a new college student.

How parents can teach teens about managing money before they leave home

1. Set up a checking account for your teen

Go into a local bank with your teen and establish a checking account making yourself a co-applicant. Having access to their account will allow you to transfer money into and out of the account as needed, and monitor purchases.

They will receive checks (yes, we still use those sometimes) and a debit card. Make sure they realize that the amount of money on the debit card is tied directly to the amount of money in their checking account. A budgeting app may help them keep a running tab of how much money they have used and what is still available. It is important to have an open dialogue about the money available for college expenses, and how much they will be allowed to spend (weekly or monthly).

Many college students have a meal plan, but that doesn’t stop them from going out with friends or conveniently ordering from food apps. If you have a teen who is prone to over-spending, you might consider limiting the funds to only the amount they are allowed to spend. This will help them learn to budget for their needs and wants.

2. Open a credit card in your teen’s name

Explain to your kids the purpose of a credit card (mainly for emergencies while away at college), and most importantly, how it differs from a debit card. While a debit card is a convenient way to spend your own money, a credit card is money borrowed from the bank, with a requirement to be paid back monthly.

Any charges made on a credit card should be paid back in full, or else exorbitant interest rates start accruing. Having one credit card in your child’s name (with you as a co-signer) can help them build towards a high credit score, allowing them to receive loans at favorable rates in the future.

Although they may be tempted to get additional credit cards once they are in college, you can remind them that having multiple credit cards open without actually using the credit, or not paying it timely, can lower their credit rating. New credit cards typically have around a $300 spending limit. If the card is used and paid appropriately, you can request a higher limit from the bank after about six months. The promise of a higher limit might be a good incentive for your child to use the credit card properly.

3. Open a savings/investment account for your teen

Whether you open a savings account, investment account, or an individual retirement account, it is never too early to teach your teens and young adults the importance of saving. Some people put a designated percentage of every check into savings before they pay for discretionary expenses.

If your teen has a job in high school or college, I advise that you have them put away some amount each month into this account. Not only does it establish excellent habits for the future, it helps them understand how much their money will grow with compounded interest. Setting aside money into savings can help with college tuition, unexpected emergencies, or to pay for a trip during spring break.

4. Teach your teen the basics of paying taxes

Nobody enjoys paying taxes, but it is a fact of life. Many kids wait with anticipation for their first paycheck, only to be disappointed when it is lower than they expected. A simple conversation about required withholdings, such as FICA and federal and/or state income taxes, will help your child with budgeting.

It may be helpful to point out that tax withholdings help them out so they don’t have to come up with the entire tax bill in April. Sometimes the amount paid is too much, and they get a nice surprise refund! There are simple ways to file their tax returns online, and if the program is online, chances are your teen has already found it.

5. Have your teen download a budgeting app

Work with your teen to help them understand that budgeting is a systematic way of tracking how much money you have available each month to spend (income), how much you are required to spend on necessities (expenses), and what you are actually spending. Whatever income is leftover can be used for savings and entertainment. The best way to keep track of spending and to account for specific savings goals is for them to download an App onto their smartphone.

I recommend something easy to use, such as YNAB (you need a budget) or Pocketguard. Budgeting can help your teen to stay focused on their priorities and avoid going into debt. It is the beginning of good lifelong habits.

More Great Reading:

100 Essential Life Skills Teens Needs to Learn at Home

Consistency is not vital
Can you believe this?  This nugget of wisdom is perhaps the most important thing that I learned when I first came across Hand in Hand Parenting.

So much of the advice about how to handle a range of parenting challenges, and about limit setting in general, suggests that it’s super important to “hold the line” and remain consistent in the limits we set.  And when we can’t manage this, we often feel bad about our parenting.

The importance of being “seen”

In reality, we change our minds, and our plans, more often than we realise.  Probably several times a day.  Our children are watching, and they know this, and in general they can make sense of it.  It’s when we are emotionally inconsistent that they get confused.

What is definitely needed, for things to go well, is your consistent warmth, approval and connection with your child.  Difficulties arise where a child can’t count on a deep sense of connection with, and being “seen” by, their parent (or other primary caregiver).  It is this which allows a child to work through the big and the small challenges that life throws at them, giving them resilience and flexibility.

And limit setting, too, does not go well when a sense of connection is absent, or is ruptured, or running low in your relationship with your child.

You aren’t trying to teach

We parents worry!  In particular, we worry that our children will “get the wrong idea”.  Or we assume that the problem is that they don’t understand what is necessary.  So we start to explain, instruct, and teach.

However, our children are incredibly good at learning – they are almost learning machines.  They learn to speak – sometimes in several languages – to walk, to interact socially, mostly without explicit instruction.  Most of the rules of life, and of your family – the things which are important to you – they have already learned by closely watching how you function.  Your child already knows most of the things that you think you need to “teach” her.

Emotional tensions (feelings) get in the way

Why then are our children unable to act on the basis of what they already know.  How come they can’t find workable solutions to the problems they encounter? It’s not because they don’t understand (mostly).

It is because they have accumulated emotional tensions.  Feelings get in the way of them connecting with their understanding.  Feelings get in the way of remembering what is important.  Even if your child does remember, feelings will prevent them from caring.

“Off-track” behaviours are a sign of this.  These are the times when our child is having trouble with a transition, or is resisting something which needs to be done, or is being hurtful to others, or is insisting rigidly that something be done, or not be done, a certain way.  These are the ways that our child tells us that they are in trouble – emotional trouble.[i]

At these times it is important that we respond to our children.  Ignoring the “unwanted behaviour” isn’t going to help them much. It leaves them alone with the problem which they’ve already told you, via their behaviour, that they are unable to resolve.

The “cognitive framework”

When we respond, we often respond from a “cognitive framework” for understanding the difficulty.  We assume that the reason our child is off-track is because they don’t understand.  So we respond with an appeal to their “thinking mind” – with words, concepts, explanations and descriptions of principles (“We don’t hit each other in our family.”, “things go better if you share”, “you need to eat vegetables to stay healthy”, “if you don’t clean your teeth they will rot”).

Unfortunately, our children’s “off-track” behaviour has already shown us that they are not in their “thinking mind”.  Words don’t work so well when someone is not thinking.  The problem is not cognitive, it’s emotional. They are in their “feeling mind”.

Reach, not teach

When our child has shown us, by their behaviour, that they are “off track” and in trouble, we need to reach for our child, to reconnect.  Sometimes, a warm offer of connection will “jump” our child onto a different track, and their resistance melts into co-operation.  The more playfully you can do this, the better. Playfulness is deeply connecting, and is an antidote to the weary, tense tone that we adults often adopt when course-correcting our child.

The ”emotional framework”

When we bring a limit with warmth and gentleness, we are offering connection.  If the warmth we bring isn’t enough to resolve the difficulty, then a firmer (but still warm) limit may work to bring feelings to the surface.  Remember, these feelings are the emotional tensions that are driving our child’s off-track behaviour, and they will be better off without them.

Reaching for our children in this way, we are using an “emotional framework” for understanding the difficulty and how to respond.

Off-track: The challenges of everyday life

Our children’s off-track behaviour tends to present in two broad categories.

The first is to do with the challenges of daily life.  These can be as small as your child not wanting to put on their socks, or as large and important as your child not wanting to be buckled into their car seat.  It’s safe to assume that there is usually some kind of emotional tension causing, or contributing to, the snarl in the routine, power struggle, or the safety issue.

In addition, other feelings (possibly about things which are not directly related) can “piggy back” on the difficulty.  Humans don’t like to be carrying emotional tension, as it fouls up our functioning.  So we are always looking for opportunities to offload those tensions – almost any excuse will do.  The teacher was mean in class?  Then homework, or chores, or sharing, might become difficult.  Mummy was working late last night and missed the bed-time routine?  Then getting dressed the next morning or eating breakfast might turn into a struggle, or being unable to play co-operatively, or hitting other children,.

Off-track: Keeping feelings at bay

The other “driver” of unworkable behaviours will be strategies which your child has adopted to squash down hard feelings.  We all do it – when you feel upset or agitated, what do you reach for?  My go-to is caffeine, which I’m pretty sure I was consuming in significant quantities in the womb!  These are the things we do to avoid feelings – watching TV when we should be doing something else, eating, even exercising can be a way for some people to avoid feelings.

These strategies also extend to things we avoid, and things we must have.  So your child won’t happily turn off the light at night because he is scared of the dark, or doesn’t want to visit a friend because she’s scared of the cat, or won’t join the swimming class because she’s scared of the water.  As for “must haves” many a parent has developed sophisticated work-arounds to make sure that thing is always available – purchasing two teddies, in case one gets lost, or washing and drying blankie while our child is at day care, because bedtime is impossible without it.

We try to “tamp down” feelings because no-one was able to listen to us about them when they first got laid in by some stressful experience.  So for a child, sucking on the pacifier (or dummy as we call it here in Australia) may work to keep feelings at bay.  Extending the bedtime routine may be an attempt to put off the feelings of separation which come up for many children when they finally have to sleep.

These strategies probably come in handy when there’s no-one to listen to us, but unfortunately the feelings don’t go away, they just go underground.  There, they tend to accumulate, and it gets harder to stop them from bubbling up.  So the bedtime routine gets longer and longer, or your child seems to be unable to function unless they have their special soft toy with them.  In general, we tend to accommodate or work around these “preferences” and “needs” in the interests of keeping the routine moving along.  But, more often than not, at some point, the workaround gets to be harder than dealing with the underlying upset.

Upsets are part of the process

It turns out that if we interrupt our child’s “off-track” behaviours, there’s a reasonable chance that feelings will erupt (and so might ours, but that is another article!).  The good news is that in this “emotional framework”, upsets are often the pathway to co-operation and not a sign of something bad.  Tears release grief; sweating, shaking and angry words release fears; and laughter releases lighter fears and embarrassments.  Your child will be able to make more workable decisions after they have had a chance to offload these feelings with a good listener.  They will be able to think better.

Setting Limits brings up feelings

When there is a safety issue (in the category of everyday challenges) , or when you’ve got sick of the drama that ensues when blankie is lost (in category of feeling-squashers), or when the bedtime routine is exhausting you (could be either category of problem), it’s time to set a limit. The limit works, effectively, to drive the feelings to the surface, where they can be offloaded.  The real purpose and power of the limit is to bring those feelings to the surface by placing a kind of road-block in the way of the behaviour.  An upset is a sign that a limit is doing exactly what it is designed to do.

It depends on the circumstances

Knowing this, you can make a judgement call.  Are you ready to listen when you’ve brought the limit?  Or do you have the energy to divert the difficulty more gently with play?  Or do you leave things as they are – a bit off-track for the time being – because you know you can’t handle the upset right now.  Perhaps you are tired and worn out.  Or grandma is over for dinner and she finds big upsets distressing.  It makes sense to be flexible about this sort of thing.

However, if you are always putting off the upset, then you are probably not doing your child, or yourself, a favour.  The feelings which are driving your child’s off-track behaviour today are probably giving them trouble in other areas of their functioning.  And sometimes the load of feelings is so great that they can’t be tamped down, soothed away or distracted from, or the off-track behaviour is a genuine question of safety.  At these times, you don’t have the choice but to bring a limit and then listen as best you can.

Flexibility is important

Let’s think about the challenge of getting your child to sleep in their own bed[ii].  Perhaps your child is adamant that they should sleep with you.  If you propose that they sleep alone, it will likely bring up big feelings for your child.  Those feelings are probably about separation, but could be about anything.  Feelings of sadness, frustration, boredom or grief may “piggyback” along for the ride.  Any limit may serve to bring those feelings up to the surface, to be offloaded and left behind.

In this process, you are not trying to “teach them to sleep” (which might require consistency), but instead you are aiming to drain away the feelings which stop them from sleeping.  Every little bit of draining you can do will help.  The feelings which erupt are exactly the feelings which have been making it difficult for them to get to sleep, or stay asleep.  Listening to these feelings as they offload is the key to progress.

Pace Yourself

It is important that you approach this project at a pace that is manageable for you and your child, and at a pace that maintains your child’s trust in you and sense of connection with you.[iii]

Maybe you have listened for a while and can listen no longer.  Or you now need to get to sleep yourself.  Or you can tell that you are beginning to lose patience and are getting irritated, or worse.  Then it’s OK to bring the child back to your bed, or give them back their dummy.  They will probably stop crying, and you, and they, may be able to get some sleep.

You are unlikely to have completely drained the bucket of fears that are keeping them awake.  But I’d bet money that if your child has not finished, and still has a load of feelings in their emotional backpack, they will give you another chance, sooner rather than later, to set a limit and listen to them until they are done.

Consistent connection…not taking a “hard-line”

Focussing on consistency has your attention on the wrong solution (teaching/instruction/information and advice-giving) based on an incorrect (or at least insufficient) understanding of the problem (that the root of the problem is cognitive).

In a way, a focus on consistency simply does not give you enough room to move.

The “ emotional framework” puts your focus on connection with your child, and on taking opportunities to set limits when your child is off-track, in order to pull up, and release the feelings which are getting in the way of good thinking and co-operation.

Chances are, to keep doing that well, you’ll need to find someone who can listen to you – after all, your child isn’t the only one with feelings!

Go well, stay connected, and pace yourselves.  Parenting is a long-term project.

Not sure where to start with applying HandinHand in your family?  Tried something and it didn’t seem to work? Madeleine loves to help: why not book a Free 20 Minute Consultation, and she can direct you to the best resources and support.

[i] In talking about limit setting, I am assuming that what you are asking of your child is reasonable and workable.  We need to check – with our Listening Partners, or with someone with whom we can talk about the details and challenges of parenting.  Ask “Is my limit reasonable?” and “Am I going to be able to hold this limit (i.e.  enforce it)”.  Expecting a two year old to get through the supermarket without touching anything, for instance, is not reasonable or workable.  Insisting on an early bedtime with an older toddler when they napped for several hours in the day may not be reasonable or workable.  Expecting your older child not to scroll on his phone at night may not be reasonable or workable, given how addictive digital devices can be.

[ii] Just to be clear, I don’t have a “position” on sleeping arrangements.  I’m a fan of “musical beds” – such that everyone is sleeping in a bed big enough for them to sleep there reasonably comfortably with someone else if necessary.  Who sleeps where depends on what is going on in your household at any particular point in time.  That said, if your child’s insistence on sleeping with you is wearing you out, then it might be time to embark on the emotional project of helping them relax about where and who they sleep with.  On the other side of the project, they may, or may not, sometimes sleep here, and other times sleep there, depending on what works best for everyone, but the choice won’t be rigid.

[iii] To bolster your child’s sense of connection with you, especially when you notice that you are having to set lots of limits, it’s good to make sure that you are doing plenty of Special Time with your child.   This is the Listening Tool that gives your child a deep sense that you are on their side.  They will “borrow” from this when you set a limit – at which time they are probably convinced that you are not on their side!

Related

In today’s digitally driven world, online shopping has become the preferred method for purchasing a wide range of products, including air filters. Whether you’re looking to replace the filters in your HVAC system, vehicle, or any other appliance, the convenience of shopping online offers numerous benefits. However, with convenience comes the challenge of ensuring that you’re purchasing the right product that meets your specific needs. This is particularly crucial when it comes to something as essential as air filters. In this article, we will explore the key factors to consider when buying air filters online, with a focus on custom air filters.

3. Customization Options:

For individuals with unique requirements or non-standard HVAC systems, custom air filters present a tailored solution. When browsing for air filters online, seek out retailers or manufacturers that provide customization options. This grants you the ability to specify dimensions, filtration media, and other features based on your specific needs. Whether you demand a custom size to accommodate a particular space or a specialized filtration media for enhanced air purification, selecting custom filters guarantees a precise fit and optimal performance. By opting for customized solutions, you can address niche requirements effectively and maintain superior indoor air quality with confidence. 

“Mine! No, he can’t touch that!” Does this sound familiar? No worries. In their early years, children commonly go through phases of possessiveness that can seem totally unreasonable and extreme. They may want everything their sibling or peer shows interest in and try to take it. They refuse to share.

In this episode, Janet explains why this behavior actually makes sense and what we can do to help kids pass through these phases readily and in a healthy manner. She illustrates by addressing a question from a parent about his 5-year old’s incessant impulse to protect his territory and possessions from his baby brother. While he and his wife try to maintain an understanding, respectful approach to the behavior by acknowledging his feelings and his space, they’re perplexed by their son’s demands which seem unreasonable and often nonsensical. Worse, he can act aggressively toward his sibling, which is alarming. Janet offers specific advice and verbal examples for handling “mine” and other controlling behavior between siblings and peers.

Transcript of “Coping with Your Child’s Possessiveness”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I’m going to be responding to a parent who asked about their child’s possessiveness. And one sort of general bit of advice that this reminds me of is that a wonderful way to figure out what’s going on with our children and what they need from us and how to help behavior shift, or at least understand it, is to imagine ourselves in our child’s shoes. Reminding ourselves that our young children are new to the world, everything is fresh. They don’t have these preconceived notions about not sharing, possessiveness, stealing, all of these things. They don’t understand what any of this is. And this is to their benefit, actually, that they don’t have all these judgments in their head about how other children are supposed to behave, how they’re supposed to behave.

Yes, they need our guidance, for sure. But if we can guide from a place of that kind of empathy or imagination—really, it’s us imagining what it’s like to have this fresh perspective that they have—that’s how we’ll be able to be truly attuned to them. To really see them and help them feel the comfort of being seen.

So with that introduction, here’s the question I received in an email:

Dear Janet,

Lately, my wife and I have been struggling with how to maintain a respectful approach when our 2.5-year-old protests our six-month-old playing with or even touching anything that’s not explicitly designated for him.

Whenever the baby touches, say, the wall or the kitchen table or the basket of clothespins, his older brother yells, “No, that’s my wall!” or “The baby’s too little to play with that. He can’t play with that!” We strive to stay unruffled and acknowledge that he doesn’t want his brother to touch those things. And also let him know that the wall or table or whatever it is is for the whole family and that the baby’s actually old enough to play with clothespins (they’re the plastic, non-pinching sort). Our older son usually accepts this with chagrin, but in another few moments, it’s a new protest over a new item.

Sometimes when he discovers the baby touching something, he’ll run over and attempt to pull the baby away physically, his lips pursed with aggression. We intervene as quickly as possible and restrain him, saying, “I won’t let you hurt your brother.”

We’ve drawn a line for his own toys, acknowledging that they’re indeed his, and that he has a reasonable expectation that the baby not touch them if he doesn’t want him to. When the baby begins to roll eagerly toward one of his toys, we coach our son through moving the toy out of the baby’s reach or taking it to his play space we’ve partitioned off so that he has his own refuge from his brother. But we don’t want to have to allocate every single toy as for one boy or another. And nor can we readily abide our son’s continuing expectation of the baby’s less-than-equal role in the family. But more than anything, we don’t want to set our son up to resent his little brother.

Any advice you can offer would be great.

Okay, wow, these parents are being extremely respectful and sensitive and they have a lot of empathy. Really they’re doing a remarkable job, and I love that they’re being so considerate of this situation.

Here’s what I would add: When their son says these things, I would keep in mind something that I guess could probably be the title for this podcast: trust the feelings. What I’m hearing here is something that I experience with toddlers in my classes and when my own children were little. I hear a lot about this from parents that I consult with. And that’s, by the way, the reason that I choose certain questions. I choose them because they bring up a theme or a question that I’m hearing about from lots of other sources, messages in social media, parents I work with in consultations or in my classes. I realize that these are common concerns, and so it seems that they would be good to share on the podcast.

I have to say, I kind of love that this boy is going to the extent that this parent is saying he doesn’t want the baby to touch the wall or the table. Because this makes it so clear to me. It makes it so clear that this is totally beyond reason. I mean, there’s no question, right? It doesn’t make sense. And what that means is that it’s not going to make sense. That these are feelings, not facts, that he’s expressing about the situation. That he has a baby brother, and the baby came and took over his whole life and changed it with his parents. And moved him a little bit out of being the center of the family, which he was used to. And that can be very scary and painful. So he doesn’t really want him to be here in certain moments. Just don’t touch the wall. That’s my wall. This was my whole house, these are my parents, this is my everything. And here’s this baby wanting to touch things, and it’s representative of how he’s invaded my life.

And often this also happens in classes with children and their peers. If a child has a baby at home that the parent has added to the family, then it’s very likely that I’m going to suddenly see a change in their behavior, that they become more possessive with other children. They’re in that holding on mode because they feel their place in their home slipping away. So they’ll say mine!, they want everything that every other child has, sometimes. And do they really want those things, those particular things? I don’t think so. I think they want to express, I’m feeling scared or worried or unsettled. I’m wanting to control things. I’ve lost control of what I knew of my life the way it was.

This can also happen for developmental reasons. When children are toddler-age and other children come to their house and they don’t want those children to touch everything. It’s not that they’re showing that they’re mean, selfish brats. They’re showing that they’re experiencing a feeling of feeling out of control of something that they’re used to having control over: their home, their toys. Now somebody else is here and I’m losing control. And if we recognize how quickly and completely toddlers are developing these first three years. Children develop more in the first three years than they do in all the rest of their years of life put together.

So this is a time we can have that impulse to want to hold onto something, anything. Everything’s changing, without even having a new baby in the family. A toddler’s life can feel like, Gah! I want to hold onto things. I need anchors. And that’s why they need us so much to be an anchor and, if possible, not to be reactive along with them. They also benefit from having a predictable routine, which is not too much stimulation, not a new class every day. They’re most comfortable in what we might consider boring, predictable, routine days. Why? Because there’s something there they can hold onto.

My point is that there are a lot of reasons that children feel like this, and rather than judging them, as we might want to in these moments, or trying to talk to them about what’s reasonable, what makes sense, No, this is not your toy, and This is the wall that holds up our house, it’s everybody’s wall. I can definitely understand the urge to want to explain those things, but that’s not really addressing what’s going on here. What’s going on is our child just wanting to say, I want this. I don’t want him to have it. This is mine. I want to hold onto all these things and have them all.

So to help our child feel more comfortable and satisfied and healed, expressing these feelings, all we have to do is actually what this parent is doing, which is acknowledge him. Acknowledge that he doesn’t want the baby to touch those things. That’s it, that’s the perfect response. We don’t need to explain what’s reasonable, and what I strongly believe that this child already knows, which is that the wall or the table or whatever is for the whole family, the baby is indeed old enough to play with this type of clothespin. This is the tendency that comes up for most of us. As parents, we want to explain it, the way we would to an adult or an older child. Let me tell you what’s true. And it feels like if we could just convince him and reason with him, he’ll see what a silly thing that is to say. But it’s silly because it’s an impulsive, emotional thing to say. I believe even as adults, we can say things we don’t really mean because we’re expressing a feeling in the moment. Well, younger children do this a lot more. So I would just stick with acknowledging, welcoming him to feel like that.

And then, because he’s let us know that he may decide he’s going to push his brother away from that wall or take his hand off the wall or do something else physical, we’re ready to stop that. So as we’re saying, “You don’t want him to touch the wall,” we’re ready to calmly intervene if we need to. And then if he tries to do something physical with his brother because he doesn’t want him to touch the wall, that’s when we say, “You really don’t want him to touch the wall, and I can’t let you move his hand. I’m not going to let you stop him,” while we’re blocking him with our hand. “But I hear you. You don’t like him touching that.” And if the baby’s expressing something then, that’s healthy. We acknowledge that too. That’s it. That’s all we have to do.

The other benefit of this: not only does our child get to express what they need to express to us and have us accept it in a non-judgmental, totally accepting way, the way that they really can feel heard and understood and not judged. We’re not only giving them that, but we’re also not winding ourselves up. Because when we’re trying to reason with someone that isn’t expressing reasonable things, they’re expressing these flashes of emotion, unreasonable things, we’re going to wind ourselves up. Because it’s a frustrating enterprise, right? It’s not going to get us anywhere. That’s also what I love about this experience that this parent shared. They got to see that it doesn’t help, because what did their son do? Well, they say he “usually accepts this with chagrin, but in another few moments, it’s a new protest over a new item.” So yes, that’s what makes it so clear that it’s feelings, not facts.

One of the many reasons I love children this age is because they’re so clear that way. It’s so over the top, right? Some of the stuff that they say that we know it’s not meant to be a reasonable truth. Young children are very uncomplicated. They just need to express it. So if I can’t express it with you here and you’re just not getting it and you’re not hearing me, now I have the impulse to keep trying to express it in another way, to do something else. You’re not letting me express it. And again, the more unreasonable these comments are, the more we can feel certain that they’re using this as a self-therapy, which is what children do. They’re not thinking consciously, I need to tell my parents that I don’t like this baby in my house. But that’s what their unconscious is telling them to do.

You may have heard or read somewhere that when toddlers say, “Mine, mine!”, mine means a lot of things that it might not mean to us. It means I want it, I like it, I need it, I feel like having it, or I don’t want him to have it. It doesn’t mean that my parents bought this at the store for me. Children aren’t thinking of it that way. They’re very in the moment with the feeling, and they’re saying it to express something in that moment. They’re not saying what’s true factually, but expressing something.

So continuing with the details from this note, sometimes when their son discovers the baby touching something, “he’ll run over and attempt to pull the baby away physically, his lips pursed with aggression.” There’s that guy getting into my stuff and he’s taking over my house. He’s taking over my parents. I want to control this guy. Which is also the reason children want to take all the toys away from a baby. It makes a lot of sense, right? This baby ripped my life away. Maybe if I just control every single thing he does, then I’ll feel better about him. He won’t be a threat.

Children feel this. It’ll flare up at different times for each child in different ways maybe, but it’s kind of a grieving process. And the way we grieve about any given situation has its own life and its own process. For example, we might go to our friend’s funeral or our family member’s funeral, and we’re not even crying then. And we wonder, should we be crying? What’s wrong? I don’t feel sad right now. But then maybe some random thing happens, we see something, we hear something. And suddenly, we’re bawling. This is how children grieve this loss, this change in their life. There’s this new person sort of pushing them aside. The feelings come when they come.

That’s why parents will often share with me their concerns that, just randomly, the older child is lashing out at the baby. It doesn’t make sense. No, it doesn’t make sense. And that’s why I encourage parents to try not to judge their children in these situations, because they are grieving and they’re doing it in a very immature, messy way. And yes, they need our help not to do wrong things, but if we could let the little things they say and those feelings that don’t make sense go by and just acknowledge them, they get through it more quickly and without the resentment that this parent says they’re worried about.

So if they’re just taking toys a few times, I would allow that, if it’s not this rampant thing that the child keeps doing. And then I would stop them to help that child, whether it’s with a sibling or a peer, that’s when I would say, “You want that one too, that he’s holding? I’m going to stop you here, because it seems you’re kind of stuck doing this again and again.” Without judgment, we help. But him expressing things like, “I don’t want him touching this or that,” we can let that go by, just validating.

But when he’s running over there, yes, I would try to get over there. I don’t know that I would run unless it was really an emergency. Because coming closer with that calm response, just walking over there at a nice, brisk pace maybe, and trying not to run unless it’s an emergency, helps us to demonstrate a more accepting, calm, non-judgmental attitude. Instead of telegraphing, Wow, you’re doing something really urgently terrible here that I feel I can’t handle unless I stop you immediately! Even if we don’t mean that, that’s kind of how it comes across, that my parent isn’t confident in their leadership here and that I’m doing these really terrible things.

And the tone that’s helpful to create is more of a calm, safe tone. Hmm, I’m going to see. I don’t want you to touch him that way. That’s a little too hard. And then blocking accordingly. So if there’s just a bit of something going on, if it’s not hitting or totally grabbing in an unsafe way, if he’s just maybe touching his hand a little roughly, then I probably wouldn’t even say, “I won’t let you hurt him.” That’s sort of saying the obvious, right? At that point, I would just say, “Hmm, that’s a bit too much.” And I’d have my hand there. “I see. You don’t want him touching that at all. You’re not liking him touching that. Hmm, yeah, that’s a bit too hard. I’m going to need to stop you there. You didn’t like that. You didn’t want him to do that.”

So those kind of things show that we’re not perceiving everything as this big emergency. We’re projecting that calm confidence that can be so important and helpful to our children. And to us, because the more we’re in that zone, the more we see how helpful it is and the more confidence we feel in ourselves, and therefore, it can become a natural way that we have with our children. It’s all about the way we’re perceiving this. Hmm, he’s getting into a little bit of trouble there, I better go help. Instead of, Ugh, there he’s doing it again! I got to stop him.

And then maybe if they really need to be separated because our older child keeps going back and he can’t stop himself and he gets in a rage, or he’s just so lost in his impulses, dysregulated, then yeah, then I would separate them. But whenever possible, I would do something much smaller, the least thing. Do less, because that gives the message that we’re not freaked out by his behavior.

This parent says “We’ve drawn a line for [their son’s] own toys, acknowledging that they’re indeed his, and that he has a reasonable expectation that the baby not touch them.” Yes, so that’s good to do. And I think it might help to say more like, “If you want to keep those things away from him, here’s a way to do that.” Maybe making less of a deal about these things are yours and these things aren’t yours, which can kind of feed into that possessive behavior without us meaning to. Again, because this logical part of the situation, that’s really not what this is about.

And that will help with what this parent mentions later in the note, which is: “We don’t want to have to allocate every single toy as for one boy or the other. And nor can we really abide by our son’s continuing expectation of the baby’s less-than-equal role in the family.” So there it feels like the parents might be veering a little bit into trying to keep things so equal at this point. And the truth is, with children, everything isn’t equal. I really love how this is expressed in Siblings Without Rivalry, that wonderful book. I kept it on my bedside table for years. One of the perspectives that it gives is that everything isn’t going to be equal with siblings, but everyone’s going to get what they need. So if you need 10 Ps, our older child, and the baby only needs two Ps, that’s how it’s going to be. It’s not, Well, he got this many, so he has to get that many. I found this idea to very much resonate and be true and helpful.

This baby was born into a very different situation than his older brother was, with all the excitement and the bonuses of having a sibling. But there’s also some, I don’t know, I guess I don’t even think a baby thinks of it that way, but maybe negatives to that, or some things that there’s just less of. There’s less time alone to be the one with all the toys, maybe there’s less one-on-one time. But the trade-off —and the baby doesn’t know any different— is this amazing day-to-day social experience with somebody else, this exciting person. Many of us have noticed that our babies, they know the difference between a child and an adult, and they’re much more interested in the children a lot of the time. They kind of light up. And if toys are taken away from the baby and we haven’t made a fuss about it or been too judgmental, then it’s really not a big deal to them. Most of them don’t mind it at all. Nobody wants the stuff as much as they want the attention of the other child or the attention of the parent.

And yes, seeing it this way also helps us because it makes for a lot less work for us in terms of, Okay, this is yours and this is yours, and Who had it first?, and all of that stuff. That can be hard to decipher at times, especially when we’re talking about children playing with peers. That’s not our job. Nor is it helpful to our children as they’re learning social behaviors, constantly being the police or the referee that’s in there. And instead really trusting a lot more that children can figure these things out a lot of the time, maybe not to our perception of how it should be, but to their liking, to something that satisfies them. But yes, if something’s nonstop, he keeps taking every toy away from the baby, then I would say something light, a little tip, and maybe stop him. “You’ve taken a couple of things. Let’s let him keep that one.” Not in a judgmental way. We’re still on both of your sides and we’re just coaching both of you to navigate this relationship.

That’s the way that we get this wish that this parent expressed. It’s the same that I certainly had and I believe all parents have. We don’t want to set our child up to resent their sibling. This is the way to do that. We understand that you’ve got these impulses. We understand they’re not reasonable. We’re going to stop you when you get too out there with them, because we’re on both of your sides. That’s how we give our children the opportunity to really develop a mutually respectful relationship and help our older child to not resent a sibling. Or resent us, or feel that we don’t understand and that his feelings are wrong and that he needs to somehow correct them. None of us can correct our feelings. We can work on our behaviors, the way that we express our feelings, but the feelings are just there. We just have them. They don’t make sense a lot of the time.

Again, I often see these situations with not just siblings, but with peers saying, “mine, mine!”, taking toys. And as parents, we want to say, “Well, no, that actually is not yours,” and we want to make sure that they get this right. But what’s even more important is to trust them to just vent the feeling, the momentary feeling. I’m holding that, I don’t want him to hold that. That’s all they’re saying. They’ve got that. It looks interesting in their hands. I want it. And when nobody has it, when it’s available, it’s often not as interesting.

This is similar to saying “share” to a very young child. They don’t really know exactly what this means with friends. We can explain “share” by using it in our behaviors with our children. Here, let’s share this umbrella so you don’t get wet. Or, I have some extra carrots here. Would you like me to share them with you? Or, Thank you for sharing those with me. That’s how children learn to share, not by it being demanded in situations where it means giving something up that they want.

Know that most of these awkward behaviors are impulses. They’re not reasonable thoughts that they’ll understand that they shouldn’t do if we just talk to them about it more. And the more out there the behavior is, the more you can trust that. Again, helping our children feel safe with all their feelings is really all we have to do.

I hope this is helpful. And there’s a lot more information about these ideas and many, many more on my website and in my books, No Bad Kids and Elevating Child Care. And in my No Bad Kids Master Course, if you really want to deep dive. That gives you the complete picture and helps you internalize this approach. Go to nobadkidscourse.com.

Thank you again for listening. We can do this.

To get ready for our trip I bought 3 carry on size suitcases- though we can take 5 on the plane the car we’re renting can only hold 3 in the trunk. I shopped around until we found the cheapest place and am happy with our choice.

By Louise Kinross

A new study that looked at how Norwegians with intellectual disabilities were locked down in care homes during the pandemic crossed my desk.

It reminded me of Covid-19 restrictions in Ontario that saw families separated from their disabled children in group homes for months. For example, Pamela Libralesso and her family didn’t see son Joey, then 14, who requires round-the-clock care, for six months in 2020.

The Ontario Human Rights Tribunal later found the policies of the group home had discriminated against Joey. “Technology is not a reasonable form of accommodation for a child who is non-verbal and communicates, at least in part, through physical touch,” adjudicator Jennifer Scott wrote.

In pulling up the interview we did with Pamela, I recognized how quickly we forget the damage that was done to people with intellectual disabilities during the pandemic. Who wants to remember?

But we must.

In December, the Ontario government released an independent review of the Accessibility for Ontarians with Disabilities Act—a report they’d sat on since it was submitted in June. In it, Rich Donovan declared the “current state of accessibility to be a crisis.” From a safety perspective, he noted our lack of emergency response protocols for people with disabilities. 

Back to the Norwegian study, which was published in the Journal of Care Research.

The researchers studied the Covid-19 responses of five care facilities. In one facility, residents stayed in their small apartments—cut off from common living areas and having no contact with other residents or their families—for six months. They never went outside. For six months! Their only contact inside was with masked staff. There was a “hugging ban,” so they had no physical contact with a human being for half a year. All five homes in the study were found to have violated human rights in various ways.

A recent study looking at the mental health of people with intellectual disabilities in a Spanish care home found that their mental health following the pandemic did not return to pre-pandemic levels. “This can be attributed to the [prolonged] duration of the restrictions, and the losses experienced, such as the loss of their jobs, relatives and friends due to Covid-19,” they wrote.

One of the main findings of the Norwegian study was that clear municipal contingency plans for assisted living facilities were absent. Which leads us back, in Ontario, to our lack of emergency planning for people with disabilities. What is being done to ensure group home residents never experience extreme isolation during a health threat again?

“It took two months after the rest of the community was eating on patios and getting haircuts for our family members to get some semblance of freedom,” says Pamela, who led an advocacy group called Ontario Families of Group Home Residents. “These are people who led very full lives prior to the pandemic and who have lost everything.”

Like this story? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

Published: February 2, 2024 | Last Updated on: February 2, 2024
| by Hema

As the seasons change, so does the likelihood of pesky coughs and colds making their way into our lives. But fear not! In this blog “Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Relief”, We’ve got a comforting remedy up our sleeves that’s not only easy to whip up but also incredibly soothing for those scratchy throats and nagging coughs.

In this blog post, we’ll guide you through the art of crafting this warm and nurturing tea, using common ingredients that boast both flavor and medicinal properties. Whether you’re seeking relief from a persistent cough or simply want to cozy up with a cup of comfort, join us on this journey to create a soothing tea that’s gentle on your throat and big on relief.

Health Benefits of Ajwain seeds, Turmeric and Ginger;

Ajwain (Carom Seeds)

• Ajwain seeds are known for their ability to enhance digestive function, reduce gas and bloating, and alleviate indigestion.
• These seeds have antibacterial and antifungal properties, which can help in combating infections.
• Ajwain can be beneficial in easing respiratory issues. It acts as a bronchodilator, which can be helpful in conditions like asthma or a cold.
• They can also be used to alleviate pain due to their anti-inflammatory properties.

Turmeric

• Turmeric contains curcumin, a compound known for its potent anti-inflammatory properties, making it beneficial for reducing inflammation in various conditions.
• It has strong antioxidant effects, helping to fight oxidative stress and potentially reduce the risk of several diseases.
• Turmeric can enhance immune function, which is beneficial in preventing and fighting infections.
• It can also aid in digestion and help in relieving digestive issues

Ginger

• Ginger has natural anti-inflammatory properties that can help soothe a sore throat, which is a common symptom of a cold.
• It can help in reducing nasal and chest congestion. Ginger aids in loosening and expelling mucus from the respiratory tract.
• Ginger possesses antimicrobial properties that can help in fighting off cold-causing viruses and bacteria.
• The immune-boosting properties of ginger can be beneficial in both preventing and alleviating cold symptoms.
• Gingerol, the active component in ginger, has anti-inflammatory effects which can be helpful in relieving discomfort associated with colds.
• Ginger is rich in antioxidants, which help in combating oxidative stress and may improve the overall immune response.

RECIPE:

Ingredients

• 2 cups water
• 1 tsp carom seeds
• 1/4 tsp turmeric
• 2-3 slices ginger or 1/2 tbsp grated ginger

Instructions

• Toast carom seeds in pan
• Add in water and remaining ingredients
• Boil for 2-3 minutes
• Strain and drink

Natural remedies like ajwain (carom seeds), turmeric, and ginger offer a range of health benefits and can be particularly helpful in managing cold symptoms in children. Ajwain is known for its ability to alleviate respiratory issues and improve digestion, while turmeric’s anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting properties make it a valuable addition to cold treatments. Ginger, with its anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, and soothing effects, is excellent for relieving sore throats, congestion, and boosting overall immunity.

Frequently Asked Questions

Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Remedy

In this blog "Throat Comfort: Simple & Effective Tea for Cough and Cold Relief", We've got a comforting remedy for cough and cold for kids & adults.

Print Pin Rate

Ingredients

• 2 Cups water
• 1 tsp carom seeds
• 1/4 tsp turmeric
• 2-3 slices ginger

I got rid of some old email addresses this month.    

I was surprised how emotional it made me feel. That email I had acquired nearly 20 years ago in the early days after my divorce, the one I spent carefully setting up as I installed, for the first time, a modem all by myself, finally making a break from dial up and AOL. 

I remember sitting on the floor of my basement after my six-year-old was asleep, the instructions laid out in front of me, taking deep breaths to talk myself of the ledge of panic that seemed to assault me at every turn those days.

I remember all the firsts as a single parent

This process sat on top of the first time I bought a car by myself, the first time signed a mortgage by myself, the first time my bank account had only my name on it, the first time I filed taxes by myself, the list went on and on. But that email account, that old modem nestled in its box, those printed directions, they all represented a triumph, a small step toward being able to do things on my own, even if it meant that every night I collapsed into bed and cried a little bit because it was all so overwhelming.   

Those days are so long in the rear-view mirror now, they aren’t even closer than they appear.  Rather the opposite, they feel hazy and muted as if I can barely see them through a thick fog.  

Lately, I’ve noticed on my Instagram feed a trend in nostalgia reels (I almost typed videos which would have made my 24-year-old daughter howl with laughter) about the early-mid “2000”s. And I have to be honest, I’m a little obsessed with them. I’ve had my fill of nostalgia for the70s and 80s of my youth and the 90s of my overall-wearing, Lilith-Fair going heyday. 

The 2000’s were such a difficult time for me

But 2000-2010 or so? That time when I was barely hanging on by my fingernails because every day just felt so hard, and so long as I tried to be both 100% employee and 100% mom?  I missed so much. I miss so much.  

So, I scroll past images of mall play areas, Chuck E Cheese parties, Silly Bandz, Pizza Hut sit down restaurants, and shopping mall Santas; past inflatable slides and Sponge Bob, folders of CDs and portable VCRs; past Capri Suns and turtle-shaped sandboxes, the Toys R Us giraffe and boxes of school valentines. I can’t get enough of images of Arthur the Aardvark and the Disney Channel, bottles of thick Amoxicillin, Kid Cuisines and McDonald play areas.  

It’s not my childhood I’m nostalgic for, it’s my daughter’s

But it’s not my childhood I’m trying to remember – it’s hers. For this hazy “nostalgia core” as it’s called, is like watching a highlights reel of things I was too busy or too tired to notice, the everyday-ness of our lives, and the things I’d just plain forgotten as Barbie houses made way for desks and SAT prep and prom dresses.

As high school yearbooks gave way to college apartments, graduation trips and resumes. Now, only a few remnants remain that say “a child lived here.”  

When my daughter visited for the holidays, we found ourselves with a few days with nothing on our agendas so we indulged in a re-watch of all three High School Musical movies, with a Cheetah Girl movie thrown in for good measure. As we watched, we reminisced about those days, comparing notes about what we remembered.  

Life was so overwhelming back then

At times I found myself near tears remembering only my exhaustion, my constant worry over finances, my inability to cook anything other than pasta or pancakes (thank goodness my wife joined us in 2009 and rescued us both from my terrible culinary skills), the urgent care trips, the orthodontist bills.  

But my daughter remembered watching these movies over and over with me, singing in the car, seeing the Cheetah Girls in Concert in second grade, trips to Justice for ‘cool clothes,’ a bright pink bedroom, a stack of headbands, a house that felt safe and fun, and eventually, her first email address with a typically 12-year old email handle.   

Pulling the trigger on deleting our old email addresses felt like finally closing a door to those days, and leaving them nestled in the safe mist of nostalgia. So, I shut down the account, updated my settings, and said a final goodbye to the stressed-out mom and her little girl with the glasses and the American Idol t-shirt. Something tells me they’ll be ok.   

More Great Reading:

Parenting Teens Is a Delicate Dance of Holding On and Letting Go

The summer before I turned 13, my mother dumped a macaroni-and-cheese casserole in my lap. Sizzling hot from the oven, it left an angry red mark in the shape of a spiral noodle on my thigh.

This wasn’t an accident; my stepfather, Jack, had roused her ire by playing tennis after work, and I’d chimed in to support him. “What’s the big deal?” I muttered, just as she walked into the dining room carrying the Pyrex dish on a tray.

“She didn’t mean that,” Jack said quickly, and we both instinctively ducked as the dish came slamming down. Luckily, it was a glancing hit, with the container and most of the noodles landing on the floor. While Jack scrambled for an ice pack, my mother shrieked, “I hate this family!” Then she rushed upstairs and threw the contents of his tennis bag out the bedroom window. 

No one told me that my mother’s episodes were abnormal

I helped clean up the remains of our dinner while sneakers, tennis whites, and dirty socks rained down in the backyard. “Welcome to Morrisa’s Dinner Theater,” Jack said, rolling his eyes. 

Growing up, no one told me that episodes like these were abnormal; they seemed unpleasant but inevitable, like thunderstorms or stomach flu. My mother regularly slapped my face for transgressions like having a messy closet or forgetting to empty the dishwasher. She once threw a bicycle at me because I had left it in the driveway, blocking her car when she got home from work. 

I graduated high school a year early and accepted a scholarship to a university in Europe, as far away from her as I could get. By then, I believed that life was fundamentally unsafe and filled with pain, and that no one, least of all me, had the right to be cherished. I told myself that I was strong and independent; that I could survive anything; and that I didn’t need anyone.

I was free from my mother but looked for other dysfunctional relationships

The next 20 years were a roller coaster, with dizzying highs—earning college and graduate degrees, returning to the U.S., and working as a travel writer for a New York newspaper—and stomach-churning lows. Although I was free from my mother’s violent rage, I sought out similarly dysfunctional relationships. 

By the time I was 37, I had weathered two divorces and been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I had an infant daughter and was staying in a church basement to escape her emotionally abusive father after he drained our joint bank account.

My mother and Jack came to the hospital when my daughter was born, seeming charmed by their first grandchild. That was the last I heard from them until eight months later, when they paid us a visit at the church in Hoboken.

Over lunch, my mother offered me the use of their guest bedroom while I regrouped. I stifled a gasp and accepted. Maybe becoming a grandmother had softened her? Whatever the reason, I was willing to try to reconnect.  

We arrived at Baltimore Station on an icy afternoon three days later. I was toting the baby in a sling, together with a car seat, a stroller, and a backpack containing all of our belongings. 

Jack met us on the platform. As soon as I saw his hangdog expression, I knew that my mother had backed out. “Morrisa thinks you’d be uncomfortable in the guest room,” he said, staring down at his shoes. 

“Worse than a basement?” My face burned with sudden heat. In an instant, I was 12 years old again, embarrassed and ashamed to have expected anyone’s help. “Fine. We’ll leave in the morning.” 

I was determined to give my daughter a loving home

I’m strong and independent, I reminded myself. I don’t need anyone. But I knew this was no longer true. I needed help to raise my baby—a lot of help. She deserved a family who cherished her, and I had no idea how to provide one.

Standing on the platform with my eyes watering from the cold, I resolved to do whatever it took to create a safe home. If I didn’t know how to love myself, I could start by loving her. Back in Hoboken, I went into counseling, found an Al-Anon group, and freelanced until I could afford a small apartment. Eventually, I got a job, and a few years later, remarried and moved to a bucolic suburb. 

The years slid by, filled with the joys and worries of daily life: work challenges, school band concerts, a garden that wouldn’t thrive no matter how much time I poured into it. My peaceful world was shaken when my husband was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 56, and nearly destroyed when he died three years later. 

I found out my mother had dementia

One hot summer morning, the phone rang. It was my mother’s doctor. “I’m sure you know that Morrisa has dementia,” he said. (I didn’t.) “Now that her husband is gone, she’ll need to be closer to family.”

I’ve often wondered why I didn’t just hang up. But caring about others had become second nature in the years since my daughter was born. And we’d both been widowed; maybe we could understand each other better now. 

I moved her to a senior facility down the road from my home. The first few months were awful. At 85, my mother was still fueled by rage, with the added frustration of cognitive decline. “My daughter institutionalized me so she could steal my money!” she told anyone who would listen. 

I was embarrassed to hope she died quickly

I fervently hoped she would die quickly, although I was ashamed to share that sentiment with anyone but my therapist. Then I got a call saying the staff had found her on the floor of her room, paralyzed from the waist down. 

This is it, I thought, lightheaded with relief. But the ailment turned out to be treatable—a urinary tract infection that had spread to her kidneys. She spent 13 days in intensive care, her mind wandering in uncharted waters.

The first time she saw me afterwards, her face melted into a gentle smile. “My beautiful daughter,” she said to the nurse. “Aren’t I the luckiest woman alive?”

“You certainly are,” the nurse replied, adding, “Morrisa hasn’t stopped bragging about you since she woke up.”

Love and kindness were her new symptoms

“That’s—thanks.” I took a deep breath to steady myself as the shock reverberated through my system. I’d been warned the hospital stay might accelerate her dementia. Could loving kindness somehow be a symptom? 

Whatever the reason, it quickly became clear that my mother’s short-term memory was shot. She didn’t know why she’d been hospitalized; she also had no idea what she’d eaten for breakfast, or when she’d last seen me. “Just drop by when you feel like it,” the nurse said. “It will be a wonderful surprise.”

When I did, instead of an endless stream of accusations, she offered gentle observations on how pretty the clouds looked. Any activity I suggested was met with enthusiasm, from petting a therapy dog to attending a performance by the local glee club. 

I did not forgive the past but was grateful for the present

From then until her death a year later, I visited my mother a few times a week. Sometimes we sat on the couch together, watching cat videos or episodes of Grace & Frankie. I leaned on her shoulder and she stroked my hair. When we held hands, her skin felt soft and delicate. 

I like to think I got to know the person she always was, under the resentment and rage. A proud parent. An animal lover. A joyful human being. 

I still can’t forgive her for our shared past. But I’m grateful, for that short time, to have had a mother who cherished me. 

More Great Reading:

Even Though My Mother Is Gone, I Am Not Motherless

One of my closest friendships just ended. For a really long time, she was my person, my safe place, the one I’d go to when things got really hard and I needed to vent. I was always there for her too. Or at least that’s what she told me.

We were thankful for each other for a long time. Our relationship felt healthy, and we both put equal effort into making the friendship work.

I noticed things change around fifteen years ago, but I chalked it up to us being in different places in our lives. Still, it bothered me when she stopped calling as often and when she always said she was just too busy to talk when I called her. Then suddenly she would come around and once again be available. We’d make plans to see each other and everything would go back to the way it was. 

I wondered if I was being too sensitive

For years I told myself that I was too sensitive and that she just had a lot going on. But, her hot and cold behavior really bothered me. I tried to act like everything was fine because I didn’t want to burden her. I didn’t want our friendship to be difficult for her.

There were times we’d go months without talking. She’d say that she’d call but she wouldn’t. I’d send her a text to see if she was all right, and I wouldn’t hear back from her for weeks or longer. As a working mom, I was busy too. But I always made time for her because she was important to me.

I always rearranged my life to adjust to her schedule

I was over-functioning; rearranging my life so much that it would stress me out just so I could adjust to her schedule. Our views on a lot of things were different and instead of saying how I felt about what was happening in the news, politics, or how we raised our kids so differently, I’d listen to her opinions but keep mine to myself.

I felt like a needy friend who was always available to her, and I realized she got used to me being that way and treated me as such. I asked her a few times if she was upset with me or if I’d done anything wrong and she’d always say the same thing, that she was just busy. 

I stopped reaching out and being available to her all the time

So, a few years ago I let it go. I stopped calling her. I stopped texting to check in. I stopped being so available and invested in other friendships because as much as I hated to admit it, being friends with her was lonely. My partner and others told me that they thought the way she treated me was wrong. 

I was sad and I missed her, but it felt good not to force something. After some time she came around and I figured she just needed space and I should have given her long ago. But I also noticed how much happier I was to not get myself upset and not to have to chase her friendship.

We all get busy, but we choose where and when to put in effort and that includes which friendships we nurture and which we jettison. And let’s be real, texting someone back takes less than ten seconds. No matter who you are, it hurts to be ignored. It just felt better not to put myself in that position any longer. 

After a disagreement I decided to let the relationship go

After I stopped putting in so much effort, she started putting in more and we found our groove again. Then, we had a disagreement when I finally voiced my opinion about something that was important to me. She didn’t agree with what I said. We had two conversations after the argument, both initiated by me where I apologized and told her I didn’t mean to upset her, but I wanted her to know where I stand.

After that, I let the friendship sink. I completely stepped away and decided it was time, once and for all, to let it go. I didn’t “break up” with her or tell her I didn’t want to be her friend. It wasn’t anything that that final.

I simply decided it was time to just move on and not put in any more effort. We’d been friends for a really long time, and we’d both changed. We’d both changed enough that our friendship didn’t work anymore. And that’s okay.

I will always be thankful for the friendship that was

I feel lucky to have had her in my life, and I’m thankful for the times we had together. But trying to force a friendship, or anything for that matter, just because you’ve invested a certain amount of time into it isn’t healthy for anyone.  

And sometimes it’s important to shift, to let go and to make space for new things to come into your life.

For me, for us, this is one of those times. As hard as it is, it feels right. 

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous

More Great Reading:

What We Can Learn from Childhood Friendships: I’ll Always Have Laura

Welcoming a daughter-in-law into the family is a joyous occasion, and finding the perfect gift for her is a great way to express your love and to make her feel at home. However, picking the perfect gift might be a little stressful, especially if you haven’t had enough time to get to know her or are a certified boy mom. The most meaningful gifts for daughters-in-law are the ones that reflect her unique personality or are tailored to her lifestyle and taste. 

Whether it’s her birthday, a special milestone, the holidays, or a just-because gift to show her how much you care, our list of the best gifts for daughters-in-law will make her feel loved and signify that she has officially been accepted as a member of the fam! 

The Best Gifts for Daughters-in-Law

1. For the Traveler: lululemon Everywhere Belt Bag

If she is always on the go and needs to carry a lot of personal items, consider this iconic belt bag that is still popular because it’s both stylish and practical. It has a sleek build and smart pockets to keep it from looking or feeling too bulky, so she can stash tons of stuff in it. It has thousands of great reviews from shoppers who call it “perfect for travel.” 

2. For the Trendy One: Ugg Classic Ultra Mini Platform

The Ugg brand has been a staple in many people’s wardrobes for its comfy sheepskin lining that is soft and warm. The new platform version of Ugg’s Mini Boots raised the brand to new heights and is one of the hottest styles of the moment, worn by Kylie Jenner and Gigi Hadid. They feature a nearly 3-inch platform sole to give you a comfortable height boost. Select sizes are selling out, so you’ll want to get them while you can. 

3. For the Constant Sipper: Owala Free Sip Water Bottle

Move over, Stanley. The Owala Free Sip is the new water bottle in town! Instagrammers and Redditers are flocking to the water bottle that has two separate options for sipping. One opening lets them suck water through a built-in straw with no spillage, and the other is a wide-mouthed hole with an angled border so they can gulp without getting sloppy. No more having to unscrew a top or keep track of loose straws! It comes in a ton of fun colors, too, and she’ll appreciate another, even if your daughter-in-law already has one. 

4. For the One with Great Taste: Yves Saint Laurent Libre Eau De Parfum

This fragrance has been called “perfect for any woman who wants to exude confidence and sophistication.” With a blend of mandarin orange, lavender, black currant, petitgrain, jasmine, lavender, orange blossom, Madagascar vanilla, cedar, ambergris, and musk, it’s the kind of fragrance she can wear every day. The blend of fruity, floral, and woody notes isn’t too overpowering yet still makes it memorable. 

5. For the One Who Likes to Accessorize: Kendra Scott Elisa Necklace

The Elisa Gold Pendant Necklace in the Azalea Illusion gemstone went viral and is the company’s best-selling jewelry design. The look has been labeled as “iconic” as shoppers everywhere reach its effortless beauty for everyday wear, whether they are headed to work or a night on the town. It’s available in 25 different gemstones, so you can go with her birthstone or her favorite color. 

6. For the One With a Rock: Diamond Dazzle Stik 

With this simple jewelry cleaner, her jewels will always shine! This is one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law to show you care about the significance of their matrimony. The pen has a cleaning gel with micro-fine polishing agents that is easily applied with the brush at one end to remove debris or gunk that builds up from products like lotion. It’s the perfect cleanser to keep rings, necklaces, earrings, and braces blinging.

7. For the One Who Could Use a Spa Day at Home: Zadro Large Aromatherapy Towel Warmer

This towel warmer is a bit of an investment, but it’s worth it for something that will make her feel like she’s wrapped in luxury. The Zadro is easy to use, heats quickly and evenly, and is way more stylish than most other towel warmers. The ultra-large insulated basin sits on sturdy legs and accommodates up to two 40-inch by 70-inch oversized bath towels, robes, throw blankets, PJs, and more. Lavender essential oils are also included in the box for that spa day-at-home feeling.

8. For the Hot Sleeper: Eberjey Women’s Gisele PJ Set

If she likes to keep it classy, she’ll love these classic jammies with a notched collar and white contrasting piping. The stretchy material is comfortable, soft, cool to the touch, and comes in 27 colors. This set could be the most buttery-soft PJs she’ll ever own! They’re recommended by Wirecutter, who said the jersey fabric is the softest they tried in their tests of the best pajamas. 

9. For the One Who Likes to Look Her Best: Olive & June Nail Polish Mani Prep Set

This manicure set has all the essentials of a quality nail salon at home: a nail file, nail buffer, nail clipper, cleanup brush, and nail polish remover pot. She can easily bring some of the items on the go to keep her looking her best! To complete the gift, pair it with some Olive & June nail polish, which is both cruelty-free and vegan. 

10. For the One Who Needs to Relax: Hey Dewy Wireless Facial Humidifier

The portable USB facial humidifier is meant to help open up pores and combat dry winter skin and chapped lips. It has a 12-ounce capacity, is only 7 inches tall, and weighs half a pound, so it’s possible to travel with.. The light doubles as a night light, and it has two mist settings that work for up to 8 hours, so she can put it on her bedside table to wake up feeling refreshed and hydrated. 

11. For the One Who’s Always on Her Feet: Hoka Ora Recovery Slide 3 Sandals

Okay, so these slides might look a little chunky, but that’s okay! They play to the “ugly shoe” trend taking over TikTok, and sometimes function takes priority for happy feet. The cushiony, supportive Ora 3 sandals are worth every penny because they massage tired and sore feet, which is ideal for athletes or moms on their feet all day. Plus, they have extra ventilation to keep feet cool and sweat-free and come in 23 different colors.

12. For the K-Beauty Fan: Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask

If she’s a K-beauty fan, she knows about this ultra-viral beauty product that’s all over social media. It’s a leave-on lip mask that delivers intense moisture and antioxidants while you sleep with berry fruit complex, murumuru seed, and soothing shea butter that leaves your lips plump, full, and pillowy. Celebs like  Sydney Sweeney, Kendall Jenner, Kaia Gerber, and Brooke Shields are all huge fans. This is one of those viral products that are truly worth the hype in every way, especially because one small jar lasts a long time.

13. For the One Upping Her Haircare: Maxsoft Hair Scalp Massager Shampoo Brush

This squishy silicone brush has an easy-grip handle and soft silicone teeth that brush away buildup and combat dry or oily scalps. The result is a gentle scalp massage that creates a thick lather with shampoo to leave hair feeling incredibly refreshed. Remarkably, it doesn’t get caught in your hair or make a bird’s nest on the top of your head. At less than $10, pick one up for yourself while you’re at it—you have to try it and bond over how you’re both obsessed!

14. For the Wine Drinker: Vin Fresco Rechargeable Wine Opener

If she loves wine, she’ll love this pretty wine bottle opener in alpine white and rose gold. It sits in a charger, so it’s always ready to go, and all she has to do is hold down the down arrow until the corkscrew pulls the cork out and the device stops. It comes with a handy foil cutter, and reviewers say it’s great for picnics and boat rides because it’s so portable. Honestly, it’s one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law for the vino in your life.

15. For the One with Great Hair: Shark FlexStyle Air Styling & Drying System

This more affordable version of the Dyson Airwrap is an absolute game-changer in hairstyling for half the cost. It’s still not cheap, but it comes with everything you need for the ultimate blowout and style at home: a powerful hair blow dryer with heat regulation, two 1.25-inch auto-wrap curlers to curl different directions, a paddle brush and oval brush with excellent airflow, and air concentrator attachment all in one. Just pick the attachment, temperature, and airflow settings, and you’re in business. The best part? It only weighs 1.5 pounds, so it won’t kill their arms. 

16. For the Yogi: BalanceFrom Yoga Mat with Carrying Strap

The 71-inch BalanceForm is a bestseller for a reason. The high-density foam is both slip- and moisture-resistant, and because it’s 1/2-inch thick, it’s comfortable for her spine, hips, and knees during pose transitions. It’s also lightweight and comes with a carrying strap, so she can take it to and from class without having to tote another bag. It’s simple in design but gets the job done effectively.

17. For the Fashionista: Madewell Chunky Medium Hoop Earrings

Brought to you by the brand known for simple yet high-quality pieces, these 3/8-inch chunky hoop earrings by Madewell are a classic and are a great gift for daughters-in-law. The bold finish resists tarnishing so that they will keep their shine. They go with pretty much everything, and they’ll last her for years!

18. For the Allergy Sufferer: Levoit Core 300 Air Purifier 

If she’s suffering from allergies or dust, she probably needs an air purifier. This air purifier cleans a room up to 1,095 square feet in just minutes. It’s quiet, has no lights to disturb her sleep at night, is cuter than most, and doesn’t take up a lot of space but can still help neutralize odors, smoke, and VOCs thanks to the carbon filter. It also works with Alexa, so she can control it with her voice. The included app also allows them to check your air quality and set schedules. 

19. For the One Who is Always Working: Lapgear Home Office Lap Desk

This lap desk has gotten around on TikTok with good reason, and if she has to work all the time, she might as well be comfortable doing it! It has two microbead cushions that rest lightly on the legs and a built-in ledge to keep laptops, tablets, or notepads from slipping and sliding off the edge. It even has a 5- by 9-inch mouse pad and a phone slot to keep her smartphone handy. This lap version is small enough when stored but can still fit 15-inch laptops and most tablets, so she can work in the comfort of her couch and bed.

20. For the Thoughtful One: The Five Minute Journal

Let’s face it—the last few years have been rough for all of us. Sometimes, it’s good to get some thoughts down on paper, even when you only have a few minutes. What makes it great is the prompts that ask her quick questions to help her create some headspace for gratitude and self-care. It’s designed for the person who doesn’t have a ton of time in their day, or who finds journaling intimidating. In minutes, she can fill out short lists that finish bite-size prompts like “What would make today great?” and “Highlights of the day.”

21. For the Cold One: Sunbeam Royal Mink Sherpa Cabernet Heated Personal Throw

It’s cozy. It’s warm. It’s basically a hug in a blanket! This easy-to-use electric throw has a push button controller, four heat settings, and a 4-hour auto-shut-off function for peace of mind in case she starts to snooze in her chair. It’s made of a super cozy royal mink with reverse sherpa material for added warmth, and the nine rich color options are beautiful. It’s one of those gifts for daughters-in-law she never knew she needed.

22. For the Heavy Sleepers: Hatch Restore 1 Alarm Clock

If she’s a fan of the snooze button, she’ll greatly appreciate the Hatch Restore 1 Alarm Clock to help her get out of bed easier. This alarm clock uses a combination of light therapy, customizable soundscapes, and smart features to improve sleep quality before greeting her with gradual lights and nature-inspired sounds to wake her gently (and maybe less grumpily!). She’ll love the sleep sound library, soft bedside light, and a wide range of warming and cooling light choices that she can program to her liking.

23. For the One Who Comes to Visit Often: Beis The Weekender Travel Bag

She’ll love this the next time she comes to visit! The popular travel brand created by Shay Mitchell was built for long weekends. It has a water-repellent structured silhouette with a flat base and sturdy, protective metal feet to keep it upright when not used. When she’s on the go, the crossbody strap is comfortable and easy to adjust from 10 to 18 inches or she can slide the sleeve at the back over her luggage. At the bottom is a zip compartment where she can easily separate her shoes from the rest of her belongings.

24. For the Cocktail Lover: Siligrams Customized Silicone Ice Cube Mold

She may seem to have everything already, but does she have the ability to make her own brand of designer ice cubes with her own monogram? With this customized silicone ice mold, she will, making it one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law! The materials are food-safe, BPA-free, and thick yet flexible enough to pop out perfectly shaped ice cubes for her favorite cocktail.

25. For the Beauty Lover: Kitsch Satin Heatless Curling Set

Your daughter-in-law can wrap her damp hair around the satin headband, secure the ends with scrunchies, and let her strands dry into soft waves. It’s like heatless curlers but less work! They’re surprisingly comfortable to wear, so she can wear them to bed overnight and wake up the next day with incredible hair.

26. For the One You’ve Made Memories With: Skylight WiFi-Enabled Digital Picture Frame

You’ve never seen a picture frame like this before! Family and friends can upload photos directly into an app or email them to a unique Skylight email address to help load up memories onto this digital frame. Throughout the day, the photos will cycle on the 10-inch frame, allowing them to see different memories at any given time. It also has a “gift mode,” which allows you to upload photos without unboxing it, so the first time she opens it, there will be memories pre-loaded. Better get the tissues ready!

27. For the One Who’s Always on the Go: EUOW Travel Barrel Makeup Bag

With this toiletry bucket with a drawstring top, she’ll never have to rifle through her toiletries again! Foldable, portable, and lightweight, this beam port drawstring bag is suitable for both home and travel. It keeps everything standing upright, and the top closes, so she can throw it directly in her bag and not worry about things falling out.

28. For the Beach Bum: Brazilian Bum Bum Cream

TikTok influencers rave about this tightening, fast-absorbing body cream that smells delicious with delicious notes of salted caramel, pistachio, and vanilla. Caffeine-rich guarana helps visibly smooth and tighten skin, while cupuacu butter delivers deep hydration. It’s likely already on her list — just remind her that a little goes a long way!

29. For the Home Chef: AeroGarden Sprout with Gourmet Herbs Seed Pod Kit

She can grow fresh herbs all year long with this hydroponic indoor garden. All she has to do is plant the pods and watch them grow in just 21 days or less. The 10-watt LED grow lights maximize each plant’s photosynthesis, making for great harvests. The design boasts a sleek and modern look, a silent pump for water, and a soft-touch button to control the lights.  

30. For the Nostalgic One: Handwritten Cutting Board

She’ll feel like a member of the family with this custom cutting board. Choose to have grandma’s meatball recipe or your famous chocolate chip cookie recipe engraved in your choice of maple, walnut, or cherry wood. This is one of the best gifts for daughters-in-law, and she’ll think of you every time she uses it!

Prices were accurate at time of publication.

My teenager spends a lot of time in her room under normal circumstances – as I can imagine your teens do as well. When I ask, she says she is fine…but still I worry every day. So I keep knocking.

My daughter is in her room all day…why I knock on her door

I knock because it’s my job.

I knock because I care.

I knock because I love her so much. I can’t begin to explain to her that I feel her pain more intensely than she ever will.

I knock because my heart hurts to see her so isolated.

I knock because even though she may not want me to interrupt her, she wants me to care. She wants to know I am there – that I am giving her space but also reaching out.

I knock because sometimes she invites me in.

I knock because sometimes she decides to come out.

I knock because I can’t look at her door and worry anymore. I just need to see her sweet face.

I knock because through all of this, I am so emotional and I can only imagine the emotions of a teenage girl during this crisis.

I knock because I want her to know she is not alone. I knock because I wish things were different.

I knock because it is too hard for me not to knock.

I knock because it is what we do as moms.

We love with all of our hearts. We worry with every ounce of our being. We care more than our children will ever know.

So we just keep knocking.

Writing this made me feel vulnerable

I wrote this from my heart. It felt important for me to share these feelings right now. When Grown and Flown asked if they could post it on their FaceBook page, I was hesitant. It felt vulnerable to put these words out there where people could comment.

I worried there would be criticism. Criticism of my writing. Criticism of my parenting skills. Or even just reactions from people who aren’t struggling and don’t understand why I am. I asked if there would be comments.

I am sure that the editor was thinking to herself, “Yes, crazy lady…FaceBook has comments!” She was much more diplomatic than that but she did confirm that people would be able to respond.

I almost said no. It is really hard to put yourself out there. Hard to show your insecurities. Hard to be vulnerable. Hard to risk criticism and rejection. I could just keep this in a journal, go for a walk on the beach, and not risk getting hurt.

I’m sharing my feelings in the hope that they resonate with other parents

But the reason I wrote this was to share my feelings in the hopes that it resonated with someone else…in the hopes that it could help another mom with the same worries and heartache that I carry. I believe that we as parents need to share our stories. We are stronger together. So I chose to be brave. And I am so thankful that I did.

The outpouring of kind, compassionate, heartfelt comments brought me to tears. What an amazing community of parents. People said: “I feel every word.” “I could have written this.” “Priceless to know we are not alone.” “This could not be more timely.” “I needed to read this.” “I feel like I am floundering as a parent every single day and this helped me feel less alone.” “This. This.1,000 times THIS.” “You have no idea how much this hit home.” “Got me right in the heart – live this everyday.” “Now I know I’m not alone.”

And now I know that I am not alone. We as parents need to be brave. We need to share our stories. We need to be loving and supportive of one another.

We need to show our vulnerabilities. We need to support each other with compassion and empathy. Because we are always stronger together.

More Great Read:

Mom and Dad, Please Stick With Me

My son asked if he could go out for a ride last week. He’d handed in all of his school work, cleaned his room like I requested and he held down a good job as well. In other words, he was a responsible kid so when he asked to go for a drive, I agreed.

My son loved his car

My son loves his car and paid for it himself. He’s also footed the bill for insurance, registration, any repairs and his gas. There have been times I’ve been looking for him and he’s literally been staring at his beloved machine, arms crossed standing tall.

Something else about my son: he’s always been the cautious one. He’s never been someone who has no fear and just jumps into dangerous situations. He’s more of a play-it-safe-and-I’ll watch-you-type of person.

He doesn’t go fast on jet skis and you’d never find him jumping off a diving board or off a cliff into water. It’s not his speed and it never has been. He’s not interested in going on crazy rides at the fair, either. He likes the feeling of being in control.

He asked me to come get him after he flipped the car

He’d been gone exactly thirty minutes when I got a call from him. As soon as I picked up the phone he said, “I’m fine Mom, but I flipped my car. It’s upside down in a ditch and I need you to come get me. The police are on their way.”

I’m still not sure what I said but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t much. He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s fine, kept going through my head. 

“Mom, can you come get me?”

I told him I’d be right there. He was only 2 miles from our house and before I got there he reminded me again that the situation looked really bad, but he was fine as were the three friends he wasn’t supposed to have in his car. Thank God.

Where we live, kids have to wait 9 months before driving passengers under the age of 20 (besides family members). My son had less than one month to go before his restriction was lifted, but he decided not to abide by the law and to go for a joy ride with his friends.

As I got there, the cop was asking him questions. He got after him more than once saying things like,” Don’t lie to me or your mom. You were going faster and you know it. You were showing off for your friends.”

I had to let him handle the fallout by himself

Watching your child in a situation like this is difficult. Not nearly as difficult as it would have been watching him being taken away on a stretcher, or seeing one of his friends injured though.

I wanted nothing more than to handle this for him but instead I just stood there and did nothing. I could see his posture and the way he hung his head that he was shaken. Good. I knew if I interceded, he’d learn nothing. This was on him; facing the police officer, the hefty fine, the loss of his totaled car, and the fact he has to live with the realization that he came very close to taking some of his friends’ lives, simply to pull a donut in a parking lot. 

I’m not sure when I’ll let my son drive again. I think I need more time for that one. Three months? Six months? I’m not sure that he really let what happened sink in enough to satisfy me.

But what I do know is that he came very close to losing his life that night. I know I haven’t slept much since. I know that one minute you can watch your teen back out of the driveway while you settle in to watch a show, and the next time you hear their voice, they can be telling you that they flipped their car. Dwelling on the fragility of life will absolutely send your mind into a tailspin that won’t quit.

Parents of teens-warn your teens about the dangers

Parents of teen drivers: Show this picture on my son’s car to your children. Tell them he was close to home. Tell them my son was a “safe” driver. He loves his friends. He loved that damn car. He didn’t mean to flip it obviously, but he said it happened so fast he doesn’t even remember the details. 

One minute he was taking a corner way too fast trying to burn rubber, the next he was in a ditch, upside down not sure if he’d be able to get out of his car, or if he was all right. 

What was meant to be an innocent drive, having fun with his buddies didn’t turn out the way he expected. And yes, it could have been far worse. As his mom, I’m hoping it was bad enough to give him the only wake-up call he’ll need when it comes to driving. I hope he now realizes that he’s dealing with a dangerous machine and that there are enough worries and dangers in the world he doesn’t need to add to them by acting irresponsibly.

Please show your kids this picture

Maybe if he’d seen a picture like this it would have made him think twice. Maybe it would have negated the “it won’t happen to me” mentality that he and so many teenagers have.

I’m here to say it can happen to anyone.

It happened to my cautious son who decided it would be worth the risk fo a few minutes of entertainment for his friends. So, please. Please show this picture to your teen driver and tell them the story and hug them extra tight today.

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.

You Will Also Enjoy:

Here are the Five Types of New Drivers