Category: Family & Parenting

As a divorce woman whose kids are slowly nearing adulthood (my oldest graduates high school this June!) the concept of child support and when it ends is something I think about. When does it end? When should it end? If a kid is still living at home and their parents are still paying their expenses, does it make sense that suddenly all child support ends at 18? What is fair? What happens in reality? Well, the answer for that is it depends where you’re talking about. This is the story in California.

California has set up some clear rules for child support to make sure kids get the financial support they need from both parents. The origins of California’s child support program go back to 1872, when California first adopted the Penal Code, which made failure to pay child support a misdemeanor, later increased to a felony.

But when does child support end in California? And what are the consequences if you fail to pay it? In California, determining the age at which child support obligations come to an end is based on several factors that protect the child’s financial well-being. While the usual rule is that child support ends at the age of 18, there are exceptions, such as high school graduation and the presence of disabilities.

In this discussion, we will explore the various factors that can affect the duration of child support and the potential consequences of failing to fulfill this financial responsibility, highlighting the factors and considerations for parents at this significant milestone in family dynamics.

It is crucial to understand that child support regulations are complicated and subject to change, such as California’s minimum child support and its duration. If you have specific concerns, you should speak with a family law professional, as they can offer advice based on current laws and the specifics of your situation.

Factors Affecting Child Support Duration


These factors can vary depending on the specific circumstances of each case. The court takes into account the needs of the child, the financial resources of each parent, and the standard of living the child would have enjoyed if the parents had stayed together.

• Child’s Age. In general, child support tends to end when the child reaches the age of majority, which is 18 years old in California. However, there are exceptions to this rule. If the child is still attending high school and isn’t self-supporting, child support may continue until the child graduates or turns 19, whichever comes first.
• Child’s special needs. If the child has a physical or mental disability that requires ongoing care and support, child support may continue beyond the age of majority. The court will consider the specific needs of the child and may order child support to continue until a later age or indefinitely.
• The court may consider the custodial arrangements when determining the duration of child support. If the child spends a significant amount of time with both parents, the court may order child support to continue until the child reaches a certain age or milestone, such as finishing college or becoming financially independent.

Take note that child support orders can be modified if there’s a significant change in circumstances. If any of the factors affecting child support duration change, either parent can request a modification of the child support order.

Child Support Termination for College Expenses


In California, child support generally ends when a child turns 18 or graduates from high school, whichever occurs later. When it comes to college expenses, child support may continue beyond this age. California law allows for the continuation of child support for college expenses if certain conditions are met,

1. The child must be a full-time student, typically attending a college or university,
2. The child must be dependent on the support of the parents.

This means that the child must rely on the parents’ financial assistance to cover their college expenses. The courts have discretion in determining the amount and duration of child support for college expenses. They take into account various factors, such as the financial resources of both parents, the child’s financial needs, and the standard of living the child would have enjoyed if the parents had remained together.

In some cases, parents may agree to continue child support for college expenses voluntarily, even if it’s not mandated by the court. This can be done through a written agreement or a stipulation filed with the court.

Modifying Child Support Orders


To modify child support orders, you’ll need to file a request with the court. Keep in mind that the child support isn’t fixed. If you find that your current child support order is no longer fair or appropriate, you have the right to seek a modification. Whether you’re a custodial or non-custodial parent, you can request a change in the child support amount based on various circumstances.

To begin the process, you must complete and file the necessary forms with the court. These forms include a Request for Order, Income and Expense Declaration, and a Child Support Information and Order Attachment. It’s important to provide accurate and up-to-date financial information to support your request. The court will then schedule a hearing to review your case.

During the hearing, both parties will have the opportunity to present evidence and arguments to support their position. The court will consider factors such as changes in income, employment status, or the needs of the child. It’s necessary to gather any relevant documentation, such as pay stubs, tax returns, or medical bills, to strengthen your case.

Consequences of Failing to Pay Child Support

Failing to pay child support can result in serious consequences. Not fulfilling your financial obligations towards your child can have a significant impact on both you and your child’s life.

• The first consequence you may face is the suspension of your driver’s license. This means that you’ll no longer be able to legally drive until you catch up on your child support payments.
• Failing to pay child support can lead to wage garnishment. This means that a portion of your wages will be withheld and sent directly to the custodial parent to cover the unpaid child support.
• Your credit score may be negatively affected if you fail to pay child support. This can make it difficult for you to secure loans or obtain credit cards in the future.

In some cases, the court may hold you in contempt for failing to pay child support, which can result in fines or even jail time.

Conclusion


Child support in California typically ends when the child reaches the age of 18 or graduates from high school, whichever comes later. Though child support can continue if the child is still in high school, it may also be extended for college expenses.

Remember that child support orders can be modified if there are significant changes in circumstances. Failing to pay child support can have serious consequences, including wage garnishment, suspension of a driver’s license, and even jail time.

By Louise Kinross

John Cooper lives with his wife Celia and children James, 11, and Claire, 9, on the edge of their organic farm in Winterville, Georgia. Celia runs the farm and John is a partner in a family investment company, working from an office at the farm. James has an undiagnosed condition and epilepsy and autism. We first interviewed John in 2020. Since then, the family embarked on a new adventure. They built a 1,150-square-foot cottage on their property with an apartment upstairs and a ground floor designed for school and therapy. They also hired Antonia, an au pair from East Germany. We spoke about the rationale and how things worked out.

BLOOM: Why did you consider an au pair?

John Cooper: For years we relied on local caregivers, almost exclusively from the University of Georgia, which is 10 minutes from our house. It has programs like occupational therapy, physiotherapy and speech therapy, and we’ve had wonderful caregivers from there. But it’s a semester by semester schedule. Just as you’re getting accustomed to someone and they’re doing great, their semester is over or they’re graduating.

James was having a rotating cast of folks come through his life. He establishes rapport with people very slowly, but very strongly. Right when they were getting to be buddies, and knowing each other, that person was gone. 

The second thing is that while we don’t rely on our au pair for after hours, in case of a crisis where we have to take James to the ER, we liked the idea that another adult could be here to help out with our daughter, Claire. We also thought having an au pair would be fun for Claire. If James isn’t doing well and we’re caring for him, Claire can go off and do a game or activity with the au pair.

Third, we really liked the idea of a cultural exchange. 

BLOOM: What’s the difference in cost when hiring an au pair vs. paying hourly for a support worker?

John Cooper: You’re going to spend a little bit less when you pay someone hourly, but not a lot less. During COVID we were spending an incredible amount on caregivers, approaching US$30,000. The agency and weekly au pair fees are around US$22,000 a year, but there are a lot of extraneous costs that add up. There’s food and gas in the car and insurance. Total costs for an au pair will exceed US$30,000.

The other huge advantage of having an au pair is that they don’t typically take breaks during school holidays. With local caregivers, when you most need them during holidays, they would be gone.

The au pair gets plenty of breaks, but they become more part of the family. They get to know your child much more deeply than if they were just there for work. They also see you at your most vulnerable and at your happiest.

BLOOM: How did you get the idea to build a small home on your property?

John Cooper: We have a modest home on the edge of our farm. James is part of the Hospital Homebound program, receiving school services at home. Before COVID, we set up an in-home school and therapy area for James, but when both kids were at home during the pandemic, we were literally falling over ourselves. There wasn’t enough space.

We thought about building a tiny school room. At the same time, Celia’s cousin had an au pair to help with their two children, and it was a good experience and they suggested we should consider it. It didn’t strike us as something that would be suitable for us, because James has special needs and we don’t have a big fancy house.

But then as we were thinking about the school room, we thought we’re always going to need a caregiver for James. Maybe the dream is we have a little two-storey cottage and the upstairs would be where the caregiver lives, and the downstairs would be the school area. And maybe the building could be a phenomenal place for James down the road to establish some living independently from us.

At the same time, my brother and I sold a portion of our immigration consulting company and Celia’s family came together and decided they wanted to help us fund this, which was generous beyond words. So we had the financial wherewithal to build this cottage. 

BLOOM: Can you describe the inside of the cottage?

John Cooper: Upstairs is an apartment with a private bathroom, a bedroom with a big closet, a full kitchen, and its own laundry. It’s got everything you need, and if you’re 20-years-old, it’s a dream. Downstairs there’s a school therapy room and we also added a full bathroom, thinking James might eventually live there when he grew up.

Initially, we were scrambling around, looking at plans on a budget, talking to builders, but feeling we didn’t really know what we were doing. 

One of my dear friends growing up is a highly regarded architect in South Carolina and I called him up and explained what we were trying to do. He said ‘I know exactly what you need, give me the weekend to sketch something and I’ll come back, with no obligation, and you can look at it.’ Sure enough, he brought up things we hadn’t thought about. We eventually hired him to design it and draw up the plans and help with the whole project.

We were happy we took that step back and planned it all out, planning every foot. We had a big picture, but the architect really helped us put pen to paper to maximize the space. 

BLOOM: What did it cost?

John Cooper: We definitely overshot our original budget, which was US$200,000. Mainly due to things like installing the septic tank, getting gas and power to the house, and we did an ornamental retaining wall. We spent about US$250,000 in the end, but it’s a really well built house with good materials that will have many uses over the years.

BLOOM: What were the main challenges of building the cottage?

John Cooper: In most municipalities they’re not crazy about having two single family homes on one lot. Many people do that and use one as a short-term rental for Airbnb. So it was a bit of a struggle for us to get the zoning, but we were able to get permission within our more rural land use area.

We also made the argument that this was going to be for a caregiver, and we weren’t going to be using it commercially. We argued that our lot was essentially going to be used by one family.

There was a question about whether it had to be connected to our main house, which we didn’t want, because we wanted a sense of physical separation. Thankfully, we made an appeal which took some phone calls and talking with the local building department, and we got the approval.

I would recommend to other families that they research the zoning beforehand. 

Our cottage did cost more and took longer than we expected but that’s pretty typical. Some of it was our doing because we wanted to take our time to get it right, and the project grew in scope as we thought about future uses for James.

BLOOM: When did your first au pair arrive and how did you find her?

John Cooper: Her name is Antonia, and she came last August from East Germany. We used the oldest company in the United States called Au Pair in America. There is a similar company in Canada. You sign up as the host family and you write a letter to prospective candidates that gives a sense of who your family is and send pictures. 

It’s fairly easy to place an au pair in a neurotypical family, but it’s more challenging to find a match when your child has special needs. There are lots of candidates to look at, but a smaller group agree to work with a child with disabilities. Keep in mind, too, that many of the prospective au pairs will have some limited experience working with children with disabilities, while others just express a willingness to provide care.

After you sign up and get approved, someone comes to your house and checks that you have a private room and at least a shared bathroom and that it meets their standards. Then you can look at the videos and essays that candidates have sent for host families and set up Skype or What’s App calls. Eventually, of course, you introduce your children as well.

It’s a bit like a dating app and I promise you I’ve never felt so self-conscious about how our house looked. We decided to just put ourselves out there to say this is who we are.

We saw Antonia and she seemed perfect, so I messaged her and we did a video call with the whole family. Antonia had a little experience working with a child with autism. She was great in our call and ready to take on the job, so we made our match. She went to the U.S. Consulate in Germany to get her Visa approved and the au-pair agency made all the travel plans. In August I picked her up at the airport and showed her the new cottage and settled her in. Celia did pretty intensive training with Antonia for about two weeks, and then she was on her own.

BLOOM: What were her general duties and hours?

John Cooper: The maximum hours allowed are 45 hours per week. Antonia spends about 70 per cent of her time with James and about 30 per cent with Claire. She works primarily from 11:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. She picks up James from his ABA therapy clinic at noon and takes him on outings every afternoon in the community. She’ll give him a snack and take him to the restroom. She sometimes picks up Claire from school and takes her to after-school activities.

Antonia also takes James to his horse riding on Wednesday mornings. They went last week and the staff there were raving about Antonia and how good she is with James. So she’s established a rapport not only with James, but with his teachers and therapists.

Antonia has one weekend off a month, and a day and a half off each week. She also has two weeks’ paid vacation.

On thing I should mention is that having an au pair is a bit like having a teenage cousin move in with you. She’s 19, and she’s incredibly mature and an adult in many ways. But in other ways I feel there’s still some parenting that goes on, and I feel responsible for her wellbeing. You want her to be safe, and to have a good experience.

Antonia always steps up to the plate and does what’s required of her, but if she’s out driving at a late hour I worry about her. It’s like having any other human being who moves in and tries to become part of the family. We all have our good days and our bad days and we may get snippy on some days and have wonderful times on others.

My advice to others looking for an au pair is to make sure you have the right match. Don’t rush in the process. Also, don’t think you have to have a fancy house. You need space in the house for them, but you don’t need to be somebody of great means, beyond the ability to cover the annual expenses. 

BLOOM: What kind of relationship did Antonia develop with James?

John Cooper: She’s very steady, very stable, very patient and developed a very good relationship with him. She’s a very low-key personality. I was talking to her this past weekend about what she thinks is the most important trait for an au pair, as we will be looking for someone to replace her when she leaves in August. She said patience. 

Caring for James is difficult. He’s mobile and really active throughout the day and very opinionated on what he’s going to do and what’s next in the order of the schedule. You have to have tremendous patience and that is her greatest attribute. She’s very observant of him too. She obviously really cares about him. It took a while for James to warm up. James is not a run up and give you a hug kind of guy. It was a slow warming up, and suddenly a couple of months down the road a strong rapport is built and he’s counting on you to be there. 

BLOOM: You mentioned that this had been a difficult year because James developed some new seizures.

John Cooper: Yes, these were myoclonic jerks that were very pronounced, where he would go flying out of his chair onto the floor. He was having 12 to 15 a day. He was losing some skills, which was really heartbreaking and frustrating for him and us. He was put on a new medication and it worked like magic and they stopped. But then about 30 days later they started creeping back. We’ve adjusted the meds and he’s better now, but I’m still holding my breath a bit. 

BLOOM: Would you say that you have more mental space as a result of having an au pair? Or are you still just trying to cope with everything on your plate?

John Cooper: This has been a really hard year. We had this dream that we would get an au pair and suddenly we’d be taking more vacations and sleeping in more, and it hasn’t exactly transpired that way. But there are huge benefits.

For example, my wife Celia had her very elderly grandmother pass away in Nova Scotia. She was really close with her and the whole family was getting together. Before having an au pair, it wouldn’t have been feasible for Celia to make that trip, because one person couldn’t stay home with James alone. But because Antonia was here, Celia was able to go. So having an au pair doesn’t swing the door wide open, but it cracks the door open for things that you otherwise couldn’t do.

John Cooper would be happy to share details on their experiences with hiring an au pair, as well as the actual plans of their cottage, or to answer any questions another family may have. You can e-mail him at coopjsn@icloud.com.Like this interview? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series. Photo below of James and Antonia.

As of 2023, the divorce rate in California is estimated to be 35-50% for first marriages and 60% to 70% for second marriages. California is a “no-fault” divorce state, meaning you don’t need to prove wrongdoing by either spouse to obtain a divorce.

The most common ground for divorce is “irreconcilable differences,” where the marriage is deemed to have broken down, but keep in mind that every situation is different, and if you’re considering getting a divorce, before making any decisions, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the divorce rules in California. While you may already know some basic information, a few things may surprise you.

In this article, we will look into five major aspects of California divorce laws that you may need to be aware of. From property division to spousal support, child custody, residency requirements, and alternative dispute resolution options, we will share valuable insights to help you confidently understand the divorce process.

The cost of divorce in California can vary based on several factors, such as how complicated the case is, whether it is contested or not, and which lawyer is hired. The amount and duration of spousal support are determined on a case-by-case basis. They are subject to modification or termination if significant changes in income, marital status, or other circumstances exist.

Child Custody and Support in California


Navigating child custody and support in California can be a grueling and emotional exercise as both parents strive to reach a fair and equitable arrangement for the well-being of their children. Once the divorce is finalized, the court may order either temporary or permanent spousal support, depending on the circumstances. Permanent spousal support is more common in long-term marriages, while shorter marriages may result in limited-term support.

The cost of divorce in California can vary widely depending on several factors, including whether the divorce is contested or uncontested, whether there are significant assets to divide, and whether child custody and support issues are involved. California courts prioritize the child’s best interest in child custody cases. They consider the child’s age, health, and relationship with each parent. Joint custody of the child by both parents is preferred unless the same proves detrimental to the child’s well-being.

Child support in California is calculated based on a formula that considers the income capacity of each parent in proportion to the amount of time the child spends with each parent, as well as other factors. Again, child support may also be modified should significant changes in circumstances arise, such as a change in income or the child’s needs.

Residency Requirements for Divorce in California


When considering divorce in California, knowing the residency requirements to proceed with the legal process is vital. To file for divorce in California, you or your spouse must have lived in the state for at least six months before filing. Additionally, you must have lived in the county where you plan to file for divorce for at least three months. These residency requirements ensure that the divorce proceedings occur in the appropriate jurisdiction.

If you don’t meet the residency requirements, you may have to wait until you fulfill the necessary period before initiating the divorce process. It is critical to consult with an experienced family law attorney to comply with the residency requirements and avoid delays or complications in your divorce proceedings.

Alternative Dispute Resolution Options in California Divorce


Mediation or collaborative divorce must also be explored as options for a more amicable and efficient way to settle your divorce in California. These options allow you and your spouse to work together with the help of a neutral third party to reach an agreement on important issues like child custody, property division, and spousal support.

Mediation is facilitated by a mediator trained to assist in communication to help you find common ground while collaborative divorce involves each spouse having their attorney and a team of professionals like financial advisors and child specialists to assist them with the arrangements.

Compared to traditional court litigation, both options can save you time, money, and emotional stress. They promote a more cooperative and respectful approach, which can be especially beneficial if you have children together.

Conclusion


When going through a divorce in California, you’ll need to consider property division, spousal support, child custody and support, residency requirements, and alternative dispute resolution options. Understanding these laws and seeking professional legal advice is the key to a fair and smooth divorce process.

Rejection stings. And a rejection from a college your teen loved and hoped to attend stings badly. College counselors, parents, and peers will try to tell them not to take it personally. They will say the university admissions office gets more applications than they can accept and many well-qualified candidates are rejected. But there will still be anguish. College rejection always feels personal, deeply personal.

We asked a few experts for advice on how to overcome this letdown. Here are a few things to consider.

12 things to do when your teen gets a college rejection letter

1. Feel the pain.

Experts suggest that teens (and we would add their parents) take a little time to feel sad. We have all been disappointed before. We know that there is a sharp stinging pain that usually, with time, begins to fade.

Allow yourself to feel that pain for a short period, to mourn something your teen wanted (and in turn, you wanted for them) and will not have, and then get ready to move on to something, perhaps even better.

2. Try to come to grips with how much this is about you, the parent.

The excruciating truth is that we often take our teens’ disappointments harder than they do. We have dreams for their lives even as they live in the here and now. Life is about to take your teen on a different path than you might have envisioned. Yet, we have all lived long enough to know that it might just be better. This is our teen’s college choice, not ours, and we must keep this in mind. 

3. When the college rejection letter arrives, it is easy to second guess decisions you or your teen made.

Do not beat yourself up. Good parents want the best for their teens. It is not time to change that formula but to recognize that when it comes to college, it is impossible to know what is “the best.”

The best is a college at which our teens can thrive, find their intellectual home, make friends for life and explore opportunities. There is not a single school where this can occur, but many.

The sooner a parent moves on, the sooner their teen can. Yes, this is easier said than done sometimes. But how a teen views the college, they attend next fall may have everything to do with how their parents embraced the colleges that accepted them.

4. Know you’re in good company.

Even though it will feel like a cliché, discourage your teen from taking a college rejection personally. The admissions committee does not know you,r child. They have a list of facts, a few hundred words, and recommendations. Your student is simply pieces of paper, and while most admissions officers are trying their best to see behind the simple facts, this is a highly fallible process.

Many colleges reject 50%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90%, and more of their applicants. Anyone experiencing a college rejection from a school they set their sights on is in very good company. The Wall Street Journal notes that many highly successful, and famous, people were rejected by the college of their choice. 

Teenagers who face rejection will be joining good company, including Nobel laureates, billionaire philanthropists, university presidents, constitutional scholars, best-selling authors and other leaders of business, media and the arts who once received college or graduate-school rejection letters of their own.

The Wall street journal

The painful truth is that there is an element of chance in admissions.

5. Parents can make it better or worse.

Warren Buffett, the storied investor, has described being rejected from Harvard Business School as a pivotal moment. He matriculated at Columbia Business School and worked with professors who helped form his approach to investing and set the course of his life.

One of his biggest fears when Harvard sent the seemingly bad news? Letting down his father.

Getting rejected hurts, but getting rejected and disappointing your parents make the experience that much more painful. Buffet described his relief when his father showed “only this unconditional love…an unconditional belief in me.”

A college rejection may be one of childhood’s best “teachable” moments. On the threshold of adult life, our teens may feel that they have suffered a setback. Parents know, and perhaps at this moment, teens may learn, that the only way to escape setbacks, disappointments, and even failures is never to take a risk, never to try. We can now help them learn a new level of resilience.

6. Take another look at the options.

It is time to learn more about the schools that accept your teen. Maybe a second choice was clear-cut, but maybe another choice looks more attractive on reconsideration. Time to delve in with visits, emails to professors or admissions staff with any questions, plans for overnight stays, if possible, and querying any kids you might know or who the admissions office can put you in touch with about their experience.

It’s time to take a long close look at financial and merit aid options and consider if you need to appeal (note: these are not set in stone and should be examined and compared).

While your student may have thought she knew exactly what she wanted to study and why that “school who cannot be named” was perfect for that course, consider this, eighty percent of students change their major from what they anticipated studying when they were in high school. Your student may be setting off in a new direction at the school that will be the best for him.

Frank Bruni’s pivotal book and its title say it all, Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be, is the best explanation of why the adage, “college is what you make of it” is entirely accurate. If you need a reminder, lose yourself in his pages. Bruni’s conclusion should help parents and teens move on to embrace the opportunities that lie ahead. 

I’ve paid close attention to the educational biographies of successful people, and what I’ve seen in them — the only pattern — is how focused and flexible and energetic these people are.

Frank Bruni

7. Let your teen be romanced.

Once they have accepted your teen, many schools will fall all over themselves to get her. They will send materials by mail and email and even hold Admitted Students Days or weekends, where they try to romance the students they want to see on their campus the following fall.

Give in to being wooed. Being wanted is excellent, and when your student takes a good hard look at the colleges that have accepted him, he may discover a highly desirable option.

8. Social media can make this a gruesome process.

It’s time to take a bit of a social media vacation. Step away from Facebook and have your kids tune out Snapchat and Instagram. Social media will still be there when you return, but it might be a good idea to take a break at the height of accept/reject/waitlist season.

Social media is a place to brag; few people advertise deferrals and rejections. Once your child is settled, has looked at her options, found her new love, and is on her way; it is safe to return to social media.

9. Transferring is a possibility.

Remind yourself that few things are immutable. If it turns out that after your teen gives their second choice school their best shot (and it will need to be their best grades), they still long for that other school, and most colleges accept transfers.

10. Find older teens and their parents to speak with.

Sometimes the college admissions process can feel like our own personal hell. But, in reality, it is hell with lots of great company. When you or your teen are feeling the pains of rejection, find other students who, in previous years, had a similar experience and are now thriving.

There is nothing as inspiring as listening to a college student talk about how they, too, were rejected from what they once thought was their first choice, only to realize that now there is no place they would rather be than the college they attend.

11. You will never know why it happened, and it doesn’t matter.

We can all speculate why some kids got into specific colleges and others didn’t. There are mega-stars and unqualified cases, but most of our kids fit in between these two.

Why did a college take one teen and not another, who, on the face of it, looks almost the same (or the rejected student seems even more qualified)? This is unknowable, and hours of speculation and wondering won’t get any closer to an answer. Stories abound of students who are accepted to more selective schools and rejected by a seemingly less selective school. It is one of the mysteries of the universe, and it is best to shake your head and walk away.

Dwelling with your student on why they were not accepted keeps them, and you, from moving on to where your teen’s future lies.

12. And so begins adulthood.

For many of us, a college rejection is the first time we will watch our teens experience genuine adult disappointment. We all know there will be more. But, if your teen handles this well, if they suffer their brief frustration, regroup, look at their options and throw themselves headlong into the other opportunities offered, as a parent, we can breathe a tiny sigh of relief knowing we have prepared them well for life.

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College Waitlist: Just One More Way to Make it Hard for Our Kids?SaveSave

I remember the afternoon I taught my daughter to ride her bicycle without training wheels, running alongside her with my fingers curled around the back of the seat to ensure she didn’t fall. I can still see it in my mind’s eye.

What I remember most vividly, though — what I can still feel — is the moment I first let go of that seat. My stomach dropped like a roller coaster just beginning to plummet. I felt fear and excitement simultaneously — fear that my baby would get hurt but the excitement that she was conquering something new.

Throughout my years of work in higher education, I’ve had thousands of interactions with students and parents. I imagine that, as a parent, driving away as you leave your student at college for the first time is a little bit like letting go of the bicycle seat. Scary, exciting, and stomach-dropping. Despite that, we have to let go.

Here’s the thing, though. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in recent years. Parents aren’t really letting go. And not only are more parents overly involved in their college students’ lives and decisions, but more students appear to be okay with this. The students have learned to be helpless! This is disturbing because a parent’s job is to raise confident, independent humans. It’s hard to do that when we don’t let them think and decide for themselves.

Here are six ways to let go of that bicycle seat and allow your college student to be independent.

What parents of college students should NEVER Do

1. Don’t choose their major

We deserve an opportunity to choose our path, including our children. Even if you’re paying your student’s tuition, residence, and meal plan, you can’t determine something this important for them. Help them explore options based on their interests, and then let them decide. Also, understand that it is very typical for them to change their mind after they take a few classes.

Not every 18-year-old will choose their life path with certainty at the beginning of college. I would venture to say that the majority do not. (I know it took me longer than I care to admit!). Help your student explore major and career options in high school, let them shadow someone or even work in the field and then leave the final choice up to them.

2. Don’t guilt them into attending a particular school, joining your Greek organization, etc.

For many parents, seeing their students going to college evokes many great memories of their college days. We remember the places we loved on campus, the groups we joined, and the professors who made a difference.

My husband (also a higher education professional) and I recently had the chance to spend a few hours exploring our alma mater with our twelve-year-old daughter, and it was fantastic. Showing her where we met and made so many great memories was beyond priceless, and a part of me was excited when she started showing an interest in attending there someday. I have to remember to keep those emotions in check when, one day, she likely wants to attend somewhere else!

Imparting some wisdom and guidance to our students is exemplary. However, it is not OK to pressure them into becoming involved in the things that gave us the greatest joy or even our sense of identity. And pressure from a parent, even if well-meaning, can feel a lot like being required to do something.

Our students need the space to explore their interests and build meaningful connections without the pressure to help us somehow relive our glory days vicariously through them.

3. Don’t push them away from opportunities because they scare you.

As a parent, there are some things our students may want to do that make us worry. Think study abroad, a spring break trip to volunteer in an unfamiliar city, or an internship opportunity across the country. I’ll have to admit I tend to worry about everything. Ev.er.y.thing.

I’m that parent who goes right to the worst-case scenario in my mind when a new situation presents itself. I try hard to control that and not let it make my daughter hesitant or fearful. The older she gets, the harder that is.

However, we must resist the urge to discourage our kids, even though that urge comes from the protective instinct that took root in us even before they were born. Encourage them, help them navigate the process, give them advice…and then be confident that they are ready for an adventure that will help them grow in ways you can’t yet imagine.

It may not always feel like you have a significant influence in their lives, but nothing will make them feel more confident to experience new things than your confidence in their ability to do so. And guess what? The opposite is true.  If we wring our hands and fret, figuratively or literally, we are telling them we don’t believe in them.

4. Don’t ridicule them when they have new ideas and passions

Sometimes new ideas and passions scare us as parents because they don’t fit into our vision of what’s practical. Or, even more, challenging sometimes, they don’t fit into the vision we have of who our students are as people. If done right, college exposes students to many new activities, interests, and perspectives…and these things may change them somehow.

Even if a new interest seems wacky, try to refrain from the jokes. These interests are just as likely to be a passing phase anyway. And if not, congratulations…you’ve raised an independent person who can think for themselves!

5. Don’t speak for them, including using their email to pose as them

Allow me to be blunt for a moment. When a parent calls a university to try and do something on behalf of their student, we know the excuse for why the parent calls instead of the student are just that…an excuse. Your student is not actually too busy to call and ask a question.

More likely, you don’t trust them to get the task done in the timeframe you want. Or an even more benevolent reason…it feels really good to help our kids and to feel needed. As the parent of an almost-teen who wants to be highly independent…I get it!

When she asks me for help with something meaningful these days, it’s like the sun coming out! The danger is that your college student may be okay with you doing things for them because of that learned helplessness I mentioned earlier.

If they’ve been admitted into college (and probably even if they haven’t!), your student can make a phone call and ask a question to get the information they need. If they aren’t, it’s not too late to fix it. You can do that by making them do it for themselves rather than you doing it for them. If they drop the ball, let them deal with the consequences. These are great learning opportunities.

6. Don’t be afraid to let them struggle and {yes!} fail

When we do everything we think we can do to ensure our kids don’t encounter adversity and failure, we unwittingly send them a message that they cannot handle said adversity and failure. And if they think they can’t handle these things, they will be afraid and anxious. They will avoid adversity for fear that they will let you down, and they will avoid adversity for fear that it is impossible to recover. Does this sound like something any of us want for our kids?  I don’t think so.

Instead, we need to teach them that they should stretch themselves, challenge themselves, and always give their best efforts…and that they will fail sometimes. And that failure is okay in those circumstances because it makes us better.  It makes us stronger and wiser. It helps us learn who we are and what we want out of life. Don’t rob your student of these opportunities in college because you don’t want to see them hurt.

Don’t even rob them of these opportunities because you are afraid they’ll waste a few of the tuition you paid.  Your investment in their college education is more than money. It’s an investment in them as people, and the hard truth is…money can’t be the puppet string that prevents them from making their way and becoming confident, independent adults.

When I taught my daughter to ride a bike, I equipped her with a helmet, let her practice, and knew she would be okay even if (when) she fell. She would never have learned if I had never let go of that seat. Some tumbles and a skinned knee taught her to keep her balance, and they taught her that she could do it! Letting go of control when your student is in college is much the same. You prepare them as best you can, equip them to stay safe, and then let go knowing they will be okay no matter what. They’ll fall, get up, and be more robust and smarter for it.

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Yellow. That’s a good color for a prom dress. And it must be long. Long enough to reach the ankles of a tall girl but definitely no train. Fashion forward but not overly revealing. Fancy but not sparkly. Cap sleeves or off the shoulder but definitely no cold shoulder. Asymmetric is ok, but not in that way that looks bunchy. The back can be low but not too low and not too complicated or busy. And real yellow.

Not mustard. Certainly not banana and absolutely no easter-egg. Marigold or daffodil. Not shimmery, sequined or iridescent. The list went on and on—precise, exhausting and likely non-existent. If this dress was out there, she would find it.

My daughter was looking for a dress that expressed her essence

Scouring every corner of the internet for a suitable gown, she was really looking for herself. The look that allowed her to express her essence, perhaps even impress classmates. Granted, the roughly 400 peers also in attendance would likely be too focused on their own outfits to care about hers. But, if she was going to attend this dumb prom at all, it would be sporting a look she owned.

Prom was the symbolic ending to a high school experience that had been lackluster at best. There was no promise of a date, not even a big group of friends with whom to celebrate. Still, here was a lane she knew well, fashion—giving her the confidence to say good riddance to her public school days in style. She never quite got her footing, never found her people. Maybe the perfect yellow dress would change all of that, or at least allow her to say sayonara with confidence.

The choice of dress and college were somehow related

In the meantime, here we were mid-April and she still hadn’t decided where she would be attending college. A dress…and an institution of higher education; vastly different decisions occurring simultaneously and with some interesting parallels. A frock she will wear once—if that, as she hadn’t even committed to going to prom—against the choice of a place where she will spend the next four years.

Both agonizing, precise, particular. Both causing her to focus on details that, in all likelihood, would not impact her ability to enjoy—or not enjoy—the experience when it came right down to it. Even in the perfect daffodil dress, she would most likely be let down by the experience of standing awkwardly in uncomfortable shoes with a bunch of other 18 year olds she doesn’t really like, crammed into a space where everyone was talking about post-prom plans that didn’t include her.

The search for a dress and a college seemed parallel

While she was fortunate to be able to select from several colleges that accepted her, the decision was no less paralyzing for an 18-year-old mind hard at work to embrace transition. At what school might she find her people? Would they see all that was unique and beautiful about her?

Would she learn, grow and meet cool professors? And would it make up for the lonely days of high school and the disconnection of remote learning, where old connections of middle school ran their course without replacement.

The choice of where to pursue college took on an amusing if eerie parallel with the search for a prom dress—small and picky things could land a college in the “no” column. The annoying tour guide at a school may as well have been the annoying gown that leaned more mustard than daffodil.

The college dorm that showed its age with porcelain water fountains was that dress with the iridescent sequins—ok, it’s technically yellow, but it looks pink when the light hits it. The sense of a lackluster school spirit or dominant Greek system was the tacky daffodil fabric with the too-high slit, cold shoulder and complicated back.

She quickly and for small details dismissed many colleges and dresses

Selecting the school to call home was, for her teenaged brain, much like showing up in the perfect dress. She wanted a place where she could express herself in a nurturing and creative environment where people understood and accepted her. To pursue the one subject she knew she was passionate about—dance—and the freedom to explore and grow her brain in other disciplines.

The fear of wondering if she would find it caused her to dismiss college after college for random imperfections. She would find fault with them before they could exclude or disappoint her.

In the end, her choices of both college and dress were compromises

In the end, the chosen gown ended up being, of all things, black. Sequined with a floral trim. Not what she set out for, but in the end well-priced, comfortable, and (yes, I’m biased) stunning. The college, a similar compromise. A place with program strengths in dance and other areas of interest, but not one that was particularly well known for the things she initially thought she wanted.

What carried the day was merit aid and relative proximity to home for a girl who was not quite sure she was ready leave family far behind. Maybe not the perfect color or style, but something to develop into her own. In the midst of looking for the perfect option for both a dress and a college, she went for what fit her for now.

The more gratifying development was her ability to realize that the image in her head always needs to be viewed as a work in progress, just like her.

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I’m Confident About My Daughter’s College Choice But…

As of November, my son had applied to one, and only one, college. We weren’t too bothered by the tiny number as we had no doubt he would get in and the pace of this college seemed to fit his academic preferences. Ours is a child who doesn’t thrive within high-pressure academia, nor does he have an interest in sports crazy weekends.

As expected, shortly after pushing “Submit” on the application, he was happily accepted, and our weekly check-in shifted from “Did you apply yet?” to “Did you send the deposit yet?”

The answer? Still the same, “No, but I will.”

After his first college acceptance our son became involved in his first romantic relationship

I stopped just short of hoisting the official garden flag, a rite of passage in our home as we proclaim each child’s choice of next steps via a 3×6 foot flag hung from one of our many trees. We already had two flags up, each indicating where our college funds have landed. Our youngest has been excited to see his flag raised and I was ready, mostly, to get it up as well. 

Not long after he got that college acceptance, our son leaped into his very first relationship. My husband and I had wondered if we would be witnesses to that first crush but blamed the pandemic for delaying it and sort of thought the butterflies wouldn’t land in his stomach until our nest was in his rearview mirror. 

A years-long friendship turned into something more

To our surprise (and perhaps his), a years-long friendship with a classmate suddenly shifted to first dates (his) and first kisses (also his) as they both trudged through their senior year of high school. Previously, our son was the designated listener while she was the designated dater. He was always at the ready for her next heartbreak, as a true friend should be.

My husband did hint to our son years ago that it was nearly impossible to remain platonic with a “she’s my best friend” girl, passing along advice that he, too, had learned in high school. Those words were tossed aside as our son insisted that he would never, ever see his friend that way. And then, the butterflies arrived. 

We suspected a shift in their status long before confirmation. It was impossible not to notice as our son seemed to be walking on air and was constantly clicking away at his phone.

Distracted? Oh my, yes. The large dent in our garage door tells the story of just how distracted he was–a souvenir left after backing out a little too fast while, as he explained, he was thinking about picking up some breakfast for the girl who had stolen both his heart and brain.

Our son applied to the same college as his girlfriend

We’ve been on this romantic ride for nearly six months. As crotchety old folks, we have assumed the relationship would fizzle out by the time cars were stuffed with belongings ready to be transported to each of their respective colleges. We’d been knowingly nodding along to our son’s refrain of “This is it–this is the girl I will be with for the rest of my life.” Oh, bless your heart. 

Then, a surprise declaration that our son was going to apply to one more school—her school—and thus our heads began to spin.

Um, what!?! Weren’t we just months away from, well, continuing as planned? Wasn’t that the worst possible idea in the world? Panic was met with learned logic. He’d never turn that application around before the looming deadline.

Last heard, he’d deleted the Common App from his browser bookmarks. There was no way the school would accept a student so clearly enjoying senioritis. Right?

My son decided to attend the same college as his girlfriend

Wrong. Our excitement regarding that second acceptance letter was genuine but so was our trepidation. As seasoned adults with years of hindsight to tap into, we could see the endless ways that this could go terribly wrong. A focus that was once on preparing for our son’s inevitable first heartbreak (the emergency ice cream is at the ready) has now been beefed up by the thought of that heartbreak occurring while living just a few dorm rooms away from his girlfriend. 

There are just so, so many things that could go wrong. 

It’s not that my husband and I don’t believe in true love or high school sweethearts. It’s that we know that this is not the norm and that chances of everything working out just fine are slim.

We know how devastating the first broken heart can be

We know how devastating that first broken heart feels. At worst, if the relationship did last until the start of college, we were prepared for a slow fizzle as each went their separate ways to colleges hours apart. Now we are navigating waters filled with both excitement and ways in which this could be a catastrophe.

To be clear, we very much like our son’s girlfriend. She’s delightful and the perfect driven Yin to our son’s slow-moving Yang. It’s not that we don’t like his new college of choice. It’s beautiful, more convenient, and offers many more academic options.

The pause comes from his decision to follow his girlfriend to college–a decision that, in the end, will be his. That is the real goal, after all, to help our children leave the nest in the way they feel works best for them. We will offer our thoughts and hope for the best. We will continue to cheer our son on enthusiastically while also being at the ready should heartache find him. 

We will continue to do our best to trust him, though his choices might not be in sync with ours.

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Preparing My Teens for Independence: A Parent Report Card 

Years ago, I saw an interview with Sara Blakely where she praised her dad for framing failure as a good thing. When she was growing up, her dad would often ask, “What did you fail at this week?” He wanted to hear how she’d taken a risk or attempted something bold. Blakely says this positive relationship with failure propelled her to found Spanx—and become one of the world’s youngest self-made female billionaires.

Embracing failure and parenting with tough love

If you’re thinking Ms. Blakely’s dad was a genius, that kids these days need to skin their elbows and rub some dirt on it, then you might be a Gen X parent too. Yeah, my husband and I probably gave our kids way too much attention (to make up for our own latchkey childhoods), but we tried our best to balance it out with tough love.

When one of our kids, 16 at the time, texted during his first shift at a fast-food job, “Please can I come home? This is horrible. I hate it” we said no. Every emotional fiber of my being wanted to swoop in and save my baby, but I texted back through tear-filled eyes, “You got this, bud. I promise it’ll get better.” And it did.

Protecting teens from failure is not the way to make them resilient

He learned the ropes and even got promoted to shift leader a few months later. Nothing makes a teenager’s confidence soar like being put in charge. We believe that coddling our kids, trying to protect them from every failure or setback, is not the way to raise strong, capable humans.

And then Covid. No one wants to go back there, but can we all just agree that that year (or two, or three, depending on where you live) threw us for a loop? During that era, I became more concerned with my kids’ feelings than ever before. My youngest, a high-school freshman in 2020, was especially impacted. The disruptions to his social life, sports, and school routine took a toll. Tough love just seemed…too much at times. So we eased up.

After more than a year of rolling with the pandemic punches—the failing grades started showing up. I panicked. I nagged, threatened, grounded, yelled, begged, encouraged, tried virtual school again, sent him back to in-person school again—all the things—for months. Nothing worked.

His dad talked to him man to man, took away his phone, forced him to go to tutorials. No use. At the end of his sophomore year, our once straight-A student came to us with the facts: “I’m so far behind in Pre-Cal there’s no way I can pass.”

We aren’t comfortable with failure, so we try to shield our kids from it

My husband was quiet and angry. I was sad. Disappointed. Worried. Mostly worried about how a failing grade on his final transcript would impact his future, but also about his mental health.

And I’ll admit, I was worried about his reputation, my reputation. What will people think, that he’s a dud, that I’m a bad parent?

Judge me, but I’m just saying the quiet part out loud. I’m not proud of it. I’d love to be above it, enlightened beyond my own ego, so in harmony with the universe that peace and wisdom prevail in the face of all challenges. The fact is, I often fall into the trap of viewing my kids as a reflection of me, as an extension of myself. And then I get all tangled up in the fallacy.

We parents often fall into the trap of seeing our teens as a reflection of us

If we’re honest, THAT’S probably why most parents shield our kids from failure—because our own ego can’t take the hit. And because we, as parents, literally feel what our kids feel. We aren’t comfortable with failure, so we do everything in our power to shelter them from it, from the discomfort, the shame of…what, not living up to our standards? Not reflecting back to us what we want to see in ourselves? Oof.

Needless to say, I really didn’t want to accept that failing grade. The protective mommy in me really wanted to get my baby out of it. Before I accused his teacher of being unfair, though, or complained to the administrators that it was their policies that had hampered his learning environment, I asked my son: “Did you learn 70% of the material? Do you think you put in enough effort to pass?” He shook his head. “No.”

Sometimes we simply deserve to fail

There it was. My kid deserved to fail. No emailing. No bargaining. No more fighting. It was time to just take the L and move on. And can I just tell you…it turned out to be a good thing, in so many ways.

There are a lot of reasons I’m glad we didn’t bail him out of that jam, but here are my top five.

5 reasons I’m glad we let our son fail

1. He came through it just fine

He suffered through the disappointment and feelings of regret, self-doubt, and embarrassment—and lived to tell about it. It did not harm him in any physical or permanent way. He’s perfectly fine.

It was a mistake—proof of what happens if you avoid a problem for too long—but nothing he couldn’t survive. In an age where social media and self-centeredness can amplify problems, making all of us—especially teenagers—feel like our issues are much bigger than they really are, this perspective can be powerful.

(I don’t mean to make light of mental health struggles. If you truly believe that failing a class would put your child’s life in danger, then please get professional help.Suicide is the third leading cause of death among people 15-24.

2. I came out okay also

Letting him fail that class was something I dreaded, but once it actually happened, I realized that it wasn’t so bad. There was really no shame at all. It just … was.

3. It led him down the right path—for him

Repeat after me: I am not my child. My child is not me. It’s his life, not mine. I had to remind myself often. The failing grade on his transcript put my target school—the one I had in mind for him since birth—out of reach. This forced me to shift my expectations from what I wanted to what was right for him.

And it worked out poetically. He had to settle for conditional acceptance to his first-choice university, but he took it like a champ. It meant he would have to prove himself at another university for a year, and then if he did well, he would be guaranteed acceptance as a transfer student to his dream school the following fall. Fair enough.

4. He got himself together

Failing doesn’t feel good—and it’s not supposed to. In my son’s words, “It didn’t sit right.”

Suffering the consequences of failure unlocked something in him we hadn’t seen in a while—determination in the classroom. He retook Pre-Calc the following year and got an A, just to prove to himself that he could.

He finished high school strong, earned a 4.0 his first semester of college, and is on pace to transfer to his target university this fall. My favorite part: When he calls home every Sunday, I can hear the fascination and excitement in his voice as he recounts lectures, wrestles with new perspectives, or poses philosophical what-ifs for us to debate.

5. He admitted we were right

Parents can nag, warn, and threaten until we’re sick of hearing our own voice, but some kids still have to touch the stove to believe it’s hot. If, after burning their metaphorical finger, your kid learns from their mistake, count it as a win. If they actually concede that their parents were right, admit that you did in fact know what you were talking about, and agree to maybe listen next time you offer advice…consider that a parenting gold medal.

Final thoughts: Not easy but worth it

A friend of mine, one of the most brilliant women I know, is a sage, an educated world traveler who’s done and seen it all—and is the mother of three phenomenal teenagers. Even this beacon of wisdom struggles with letting her kids fail. There could be a flashing neon sign overhead reading, “Let them learn this one the hard way,” and she’d still be inclined to help fix it—for all the reasons in this article and then some.

It’s not easy to let our kids faceplant. But let’s embrace the heartache. As parents, isn’t suffering part of the job? Think of it as another sacrifice we’re willing to make for the betterment of our kids.

Let’s be willing to suspend our own ego, untangle our identity from theirs, grant our teens autonomy, and power through the pain of watching them struggle. When it’s over, we can then bask in their glorious pride as they emerge stronger, wiser, and better for it on the other side.

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She Wrote the Book on Letting Kids Fail But Forgot Her Best Advice When Her Son Applied to College

Let me start with an observation. The college search process has changed significantly over the last decade as the general economy has shifted. For many families, selecting a college is among their most critical decisions.

Families are looking at a competitive job market and believe this decision will impact their child’s earning potential (and, hence, everything else) for the rest of their lives. They are searching for value.

My first piece of advice is this: value comes mainly from fit. There are many good colleges in this country where you can get an excellent education. Still, if the fit is wrong, it is nearly impossible to get an excellent education — no matter how good the college is.

How to help your teen find a good “college fit”

What does this mean? We don’t have to guess—we have lots of data on when and why college matters. Elsewhere, I have written about what we can learn from this growing body of data, and I highly recommend reading How College Works by Dan Chambliss and Christopher Takacs as well as The Gallup-Purdue Index.  In essence, students need to go to a college with these qualities:

• Mentorship matters. It turns out that mentorship is one of the defining characteristics of a transformative college experience. In particular, faculty mentorship is crucial.
• Students get involved. Students are more likely to succeed when participating in activities outside the classroom that supplement their learning (athletics, student organizations, the arts, etc.).
• Lateral learning takes place. Students learn a lot from one another. They need to be at a college where they are surrounded by peers who are in college for the right reasons and are pushing and prodding each other in the right ways.

The question is: How do you find a college where your son or daughter is likely to become immersed quickly, develop a close mentoring relationship with a faculty member, and get involved in sustained co-curricular activities that allow them to find good friends and develop strong life skills?

Have a conversation about fit. Now is the time to have a serious conversation with your son or daughter about where they are in their personal development and what kind of college will be best for them. Are they more likely to thrive in a lecture hall or small classes? Will they be more comfortable in an urban or rural setting? What kinds of people do they tend to thrive around?

Make sure you understand the financial costs. The sticker price, meaning the listed tuition, is not altogether helpful. The financial aid letters you may have just received can be misleading. Make sure you understand: How many years does the average student take to graduate? At Denison, like most private colleges, it is four years. At some public universities, it often takes five or even six years (therefore, an extra year or two of tuition). And will financial aid be in place for their time in college?

One of the mistakes prospective families make is selecting a college because of very small differences in price. Fit is most important. It does not make sense to go to a slightly less expensive college if the fit is not right. At the same time, debt does matter. I believe a manageable level of debt is worth it to get an education that is the right fit for the student, and families need to determine what that level is for them.

Choose a college where your son or daughter can pursue their passions. If your son or daughter plays a sport or has a passion for an artistic endeavor, choose a college where they can pursue that passion. This is important — don’t choose a college where they only will be able to watch others perform. Choose a college where they will likely make the team, be cast in a play, join a music ensemble, and have a chance to pursue their passion.

This is also true for students who want to major in the sciences. So much of the value of undergraduate work in the sciences comes from hands-on research. Choose a college where undergraduates get to conduct their research and where it is built into courses. Be wary of places where graduate students replace professors in classrooms and knock undergraduates out of the labs.

Pay attention to the first-year program. Transitioning into college can be hard. Select a college where a lot of attention is paid to how students transition into college and the support they receive if and when they stumble. Once students get connected to courses, faculty, friends, and co-curricular activities, they will be fine.

Visit the colleges one more time. If you have narrowed it down to two or three colleges, revisit them. Try attending one of the April Visit Days most colleges offer for admitted students. Let your son or daughter spend the night at their top two or three colleges, and tell them to go with their gut. Don’t be strident with your views. Ask your son or daughter questions, as opposed to offering observations. Where do they feel comfortable? Which one feels right?

Here are some essential questions to ask during the April Visit Days but not often thought of: What is the endowment size per student? Endowment translates into the financial resources a college can spend on providing student experiences. What is the mood on campus? You want to be where faculty, staff, and students are proud of the college.

And pay attention to location. You want to be on a campus that has a good vibe. I also think there is a massive advantage to being in a location with a healthy community surrounding the college and easy access to an airport and city. And I will admit that this is self-serving, given that Denison has one of the best locations of any liberal arts college in the nation. We have a beautiful campus in an idyllic village 25 minutes from Columbus, which has become a vibrant city filled with music, culture, and global businesses.

Once you select a college, make sure the conversation continues. But try to dial down the stress. As I mentioned earlier, there are many colleges in this country where students can get an excellent education. Too often, the rankings lead readers to imagine choosing the right college is about where it sits on a list. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Choosing the right college is far more personal than that. It’s about fit. And remember, we expend way too much energy worrying about getting in and selecting the right college and not nearly enough focusing on how to transition into college and take full advantage of the college experience.

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Published: March 22, 2024 | Last Updated on: March 22, 2024
| by Hema

Enter the world of Delicious and Healthy Hot Chocolate for kids—a velvety, heartwarming concoction that promises to light up your little ones’ taste buds while packing a punch of beneficial nutrients.

It’s a journey to explore how natural ingredients and mindful preparation can elevate a simple beverage into an enchanting experience for you and your children. So, let’s gather around the kitchen, armed with our whisks and cups, ready to create magic in a mug. Join us as we stir our way to happiness, health, and indulgent warmth, crafting memories that will linger long after the last drop is savored.

Health Benefits of Hot Chocolate for kids

• Rich in Antioxidants: Cocoa powder and dark chocolate are excellent sources of antioxidants, which help neutralize harmful free radicals in the body. This can reduce inflammation and improve heart health.
• Natural Sweetness: Dates are a wonderful, natural sweetener rich in fiber, vitamins, and minerals such as potassium and magnesium. Using dates instead of refined sugar not only adds a nutritional punch but also helps in maintaining healthier blood sugar levels.
• High in Dietary Fiber: The inclusion of dates and the use of whole, sprouted ragi flour increases the dietary fiber content of this hot chocolate. Fiber is essential for maintaining good digestive health and can help to prevent constipation, which is common in children.
• Rich in Calcium: Ragi, also known as finger millet, is a fantastic source of calcium, which is crucial for the development and maintenance of strong bones and teeth in children.
• Boosts Brain Health: The flavonoids in cocoa have been linked to improved brain function and neuroprotection, aiding in cognitive development in children and enhancing memory and learning.
• Improves Mood: Chocolate is well-known for its mood-enhancing properties. It stimulates the production of endorphins, the body’s natural “feel-good” chemicals, making this healthy hot chocolate a great mood booster for those gloomy days.

Recipe

Ingredients

• 7-8 dates
• 2 1/2 cups of milk, divided (1/2 cup for soaking dates + 2 cups for the ragi mixture)
• 1 tsp sprouted ragi flour
• 2 tsp cocoa powder
• 2 tbsp chopped dark chocolate (preferably 80% cocoa or above)

Instructions

• Soak 7-8 dates in 1/2 cup hot milk, set aside for 10 minutes then blend them into a smooth paste
• In a pan, take 1 tsp of sprouted ragi flour, add 2 cups of milk and 2 tsp of cocoa powder. Mix everything well then turn the heat on.
• Cook it in medium flames for about 5-6 minutes, don’t forget to stir continuously otherwise ragi flour will stick at the bottom.
• Add the dates mixture and 2 tbsp of chopped dark chocolate (preferably 80% and above) mix Cook for another 1-2 minutes till chocolate completely melts. Serve this hot and enjoy.

Embracing the joy of a warm cup of hot chocolate doesn’t have to come with a side of guilt. By reimagining this beloved drink with wholesome ingredients like dates, ragi flour, cocoa powder, and dark chocolate, we’ve transformed it into a nourishing treat that supports both the body and soul. This healthy hot chocolate recipe offers a perfect balance of creamy, chocolaty goodness and nutritional benefits, making it an ideal choice for kids and adults alike.

As we gather around the table, sipping on our mugs of healthful delight, we’re not just sharing a drink; we’re nurturing our bodies, warming our hearts, and creating cherished memories. This healthy hot chocolate stands as a testament to the fact that with a little creativity and mindful ingredient selection, we can enjoy the sweeter things in life in the healthiest way possible. So, go ahead, pour another cup, and revel in the rich, comforting flavors knowing you’re giving your family the best – a sip of health and happiness.

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Delicious and Healthy Hot Chocolate for kids

Enter the world of Delicious and Healthy Hot Chocolate for kids—a velvety, heartwarming concoction that promises to light up your little ones.

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Course: Dessert

Cuisine: Indian

Keyword: Hot chocolate

Ingredients

• 7-8 dates
• 2 1/2 cups milk (1/2 cup for soaking dates + 2 cups for the ragi mixture)
• 1 tsp sprouted ragi flour
• 2 tsp cocoa powder
• 2 tbsp chopped dark chocolate

Instructions

• Soak 7-8 dates in 1/2 cup hot milk, set aside for 10 minutes then blend them into a smooth paste.

• In a pan, take 1 tsp of sprouted ragi flour, add 2 cups of milk and 2 tsp of cocoa powder. Mix everything well then turn the heat on.

• Cook it in medium flames for about 5-6 minutes, don't forget to stir continuously otherwise ragi flour will stick at the bottom.

• Add the dates mixture and 2 tbsp of chopped dark chocolate (preferably 80% and above) mix Cook for another 1-2 minutes till chocolate completely melts. Serve this hot and enjoy.

In general I’m not a picky eater. I am willing to eat most foods, no matter how weird… but one of those few foods I’m actually picky about is rice. It needs to be made perfectly or I really can’t tolerate eating it. Of course, rice happens to be one of those foods that even many good cooks can’t cook properly. And even though I know how to cook rice just fine, from time to time I get a batch that just flops for whatever reason.

I hate to waste food. So if rice flops, I try to see if there are ways to salvage it and use it in a dish that will mask the imperfections. Here are some ways I’ve found to repurpose botched rice.

How to Repurpose Leftover and/Or Imperfect Rice

But before I get into what to do with botched rice, I wanted to discuss bringing dried out rice back to life. I often have rice that dries out, either from being left uncovered, or it can dry out and lightly brown at the edges or bottom  of the pan because I baked or left it on a warming plate too long. Maybe some of you don’t mind crispy/dried rice (I know Persians eat something called tahdig which has crispy rice at the bottom, but I’m not sure how different or similar that is and if they’d actually want to eat rice that ends up like this) but in my family we’re not fans. However, this happens on a regular enough basis in my house (oops) that I’ve needed to find a way to use that up. 

I put the rice with the dried bits in a microwavable bowl along with a little water, cover it, and microwave it. This steams the rice and softens up the hard bits and it is back to being virtually indistinguishable from fresh rice, other than a light golden color on the parts that had been crisped up. 

Alternatively, you can put this rice in fried rice, and the dried rice will rehydrate with some of the sauce. 

You can also use the rice in any of the ways that also work for ruined rice… but it doesn’t work in reverse- only dried out rice can be revived that way, but otherwise yucky rice will still be yucky after doing those.

How Rice Fails and How To Fix It

Rice is quite finicky. It needs to be cooked with the exact correct ratio of rice to water and the exact right length of time. If you don’t give it enough water or if you don’t cook it for long enough or you had it on the wrong heat and the water boiled off too soon or if you forgot to cover it and the water evaporated… you’ll end up with rice with hard bits in it. I cannot tolerate rice like that. I’d almost rather eat nothing than eat that.

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can add a little more water to the pot and cook it a bit longer on a low heat and the rice will cook up properly. Sometimes (honestly, often) that doesn’t work. But this is the first thing to try doing if your rice has hard bits in it. Add boiling water and simmer (immediately after the rice is made, later won’t work nearly as well) until it is all absorbed. If this works, then great, you can use it as you would regular rice. If not, move on to the next options.

If you have too much liquid in your pot and you give it “enough” time… your rice will become mushy and gluey and somewhat pasty, depending on how much extra liquid there was in it and if you gave it enough time to all absorb .

There are solutions to this. No, there’s no way to make it into “normal rice” as you could with the dried out rice, or sometimes with rice that has hard bits. But what you can do is use rice in recipes that disguise the rice, or that are meant to have mushy rice anyhow.

Hide The Rice

Mushy rice can be hidden in a variety of different dishes. All you need to do is make it a smaller percentage of a larger dish and it will usually just add some moisture but not be so noticeable, or at least its mushiness won’t be, if you make sure to mix it up well so there are no chunks of rice. Examples are in:

• Ground beef. Some people stretch their ground beef and/or make it more moist by mixing it with bread crumbs. Mix your ground beef with some of your mushy rice. You can then use it in a variety of ways. 
• Meatballs. Use at least 2-3 times more ground meat than you do rice, and you might want to include a binder like an egg or ground flax seed.
• Kofta kebabs. Same ratio as you would with meatballs.
• Stuffed veggies. For this you can even do half meat, half rice. Stuffed peppers, stuffed zucchini, stuffed cabbage, you name it. Just make sure to add enough seasoning so the rice doesn’t dilute the flavor.
• Meat sauce. I haven’t actually tried this (to be honest) but this is next on my list. Mix it with your ground beef before sauteing it up and using it in bolognese, chili, etc…
• Muffins. See this detailed post for information on how to do that best, and in general, repurpose leftovers for muffins. 
• Veggie patties. Mix veggies and rice and a little bit of binder such as egg and/or flour and make some great veggie patties.
• Tuna or salmon patties. Mix your (canned) tuna or salmon with rice, onion, and a binder such as eggs and/or flour before frying them up.
• Falafel? I haven’t tried this but I’m very tempted. Falafel balls are often made with bread crumbs in them- why not try with some leftover mushy rice?

Don’t Hide The Rice- Make It The Star

There are some dishes that are rice based that you specifically want mushy rice for them. In fact, when I have leftover rice that came out perfectly, I do sometimes specifically cook them up with more water so that I have mushy rice to use for these recipes. The top one is the one we do most frequently:

Anyone else not able to tolerate rice that comes out badly? If so, what do you do when your rice doesn’t come out properly? What are your favorite things to do with flopped rice, or non flopped rice leftovers?