Category: Family & Parenting

There is this tree right in front of the timer and next to the wall of my house, a persimmon tree if I’m not mistaken (either that or an apple pear- I have both but I don’t remember which lives where), but despite planting it about 3 years ago it has not thrived. It grows leaves and then they always get gross and fall off, even much before it is time to shed leaves for the fall.

I noticed the ground around it was wet enough that moss was starting to grow, which probably was terrible for the tree, and I assumed it was because the air conditioning was dripping water from the drain pipe into that area, so we fixed that, but it didn’t fix the situation. 

It didn’t.

Un article traduit de l’anglais par Chloé Saint Guilhem, formatrice certifiée Hand in Hand

Lorsque les enfants sont pris dans un comportement qui ne fonctionne pas pour eux ou pour toi, nous, les parents, devenons généralement sérieux et instructifs. “Mon fils, tu sais que ce n’est pas gentil de dire ça, et je t’ai déjà demandé d’arrêter” ou “Mon chéri, tu ne peux pas suivre le chat et l’embêter. Il n’aime pas ça. Je t’ai demandé de le laisser tranquille”. C’est ce que nous faisons dans nos bons jours ! Et c’est un progrès considérable par rapport à “Maudite sois-tu ! Pourquoi dois-je te le répéter encore et encore ! Va dans ta chambre !” ou “C’est ça. Tu vas avoir droit à une fessée si tu n’écoutes pas !”

Mais en réalité, aucune de ces deux approches n’aide vraiment l’enfant qui est perdu dans le “pays des comportements qui ne fonctionnent pas”.

Les supplications aboutissent tôt ou tard à une dispute, parce qu’elles ne fonctionnent pas. Et des mesures plus radicales éloignent nos enfants de nous. En réponse à la punition, l’enfant s’oriente plus souvent vers un comportement déraisonnable. Et si tu ne fixes aucune limite, les enfants ont la même réaction : ils ont recours à des comportements plus flagrants et plus incendiaires.

Lorsqu’une demande raisonnable ne parvient pas à convaincre nos enfants, il est temps d’adopter une toute nouvelle stratégie. Nous proposons le câlin énergique !

En savoir plus : Découvre les causes des pleurnicheries et les moyens d’y mettre un terme dans l’article Quel est le remède contre les pleurnicheries ?

Interposer les limites de façon ludique

Ton enfant réclame un biscuit. Tu lui dis “Pas maintenant, mon chéri, prends une carotte à la place”, mais il continue à pleurnicher. Au lieu d’essayer de le raisonner ou de le distraire, Tu prends ton enfant, tu le jettes par-dessus ton épaule et tu te promènes dans la cuisine en disant : “J’ai le plus grand amateur de biscuits de tous ! Il adore les biscuits ! Il adore les biscuits ! Il adore les biscuits !” Tout ce qui est stupide et physiquement ludique peut faire l’affaire.

Ou bien ton enfant harcèle son frère cadet, en accaparant un jouet que le plus jeune veut. Tu pourrais intervenir et lui dire sérieusement : “Tu n’as pas le droit de traiter ton frère de cette façon”. Mais tu as déjà tenu ce discours à maintes reprises et il ne passe pas.

C’est l’heure des câlins énergiques ! Tu grimaces et dis “Viens ici, toi !” dans une version caricaturale de ton “J’en ai marre de toi ! Tu attrapes l’aîné par la queue de chemise et tu le tires sur toi le mettant sur tes genoux pour démarrer une bagarre joyeuse ou pour déposer une pluie de baisers sur son ventre.

Tu fais ce que l’on pourrait appeler un “tacle limbique”.

Tu ne pzux pas atteindre le cortex préfrontal de ton enfant, parce qu’il ne peut pas sentir ses liens avec qui que ce soit pour le moment. Il ne peut pas écouter la raison, alors tu fais des choses que son système limbique – le centre social de son esprit – peut comprendre.

Tu établis un contact physique. Tu joues. Tu agisses avec chaleur et humour. Tu mets fin au comportement qu’il a adopté, mais tu le fais en faisant des gestes non verbaux et généreux qui signifient “je veux être près de toi”.

Ce sont les signaux dont son système limbique a besoin. Ce sont les signaux qui lui permettent de rire ou de piquer une grosse colère. Ce sont les signaux qui, d’une manière ou d’une autre, feront fonctionner son esprit à nouveau, lui faisant prendre conscience qu’il est sûr d’aimer et de laisser les autres l’aimer.

Mais où est le respect ?

Les parents s’inquiètent du fait que s’ils font preuve de chaleur et d’humour à l’égard de leurs enfants dans ces moments difficiles sur le plan comportemental, ces derniers ne les respecteront pas ou n’apprendront pas les leçons d’amour, de partage et de prévenance à l’égard des autres.

C’est une préoccupation très importante.

C’est à nous de veiller à ce que nos enfants deviennent de plus en plus capables de prendre en compte les besoins des autres. Mais si nous partons du principe que les enfants sont faits pour aimer et pour coopérer, nous avons alors beaucoup plus d’options en tant que parents. Au lieu de penser que nous devons enseigner tant de choses, nous pouvons remarquer qu’un enfant n’est pas sur la bonne voie et simplement créer des liens et prendre le temps de rire ou de pleurer, afin de l’aider à remettre ses émotions en phase.

L’humour et le jeu physique sont de puissants médicaments.

Ils transmettent l’acceptation. Ils expriment une volonté de se connecter. Ils comblent de manière fiable les lacunes que les enfants ressentent lorsque l’école, une demi-heure de préparation des repas ou un appel téléphonique ont interrompu leur sentiment de connexion.

Et ils améliorent aussi notre humeur. Rien ne remonte le moral d’un parent comme un enfant rieur et ravi. Rien ne nous fait plus plaisir qu’un enfant qui demande toujours la même blague pour se blottir dans nos bras. Aux yeux de nos enfants, nous sommes des génies lorsque nous utilisons ces outils. Et le fait de savoir répondre aux problèmes de comportement par la chaleur nous aide aussi à être plus efficaces avec les adultes !

Résultats inattendus du jeu incorporant les câlins

Mon petit-fils a cinq ans et fréquente l’école maternelle. Il a attrapé la fièvre du “je veux être le premier” qui se propage d’un enfant à l’autre comme un rhume. Ces derniers temps, lors de nos Temps Particuliers, il adore jouer avec moi au jeu “Je gagne, tu perds”. Nous avons un petit circuit de voitures et quatre petites voitures qui vont avec. Il choisit la voiture dont il est sûr qu’elle est la plus rapide, et je ne peux choisir qu’une voiture lente. Une seule voiture peut descendre la piste à la fois, et sa règle est qu’il est le seul à pouvoir démarrer en premier.

Je suis toujours, toujours la deuxième !

Je gémis et je m’exaspère de manière ludique lorsque ma voiture arrive en deuxième position, et s’il rit ou se réjouit, je me précipite sur lui pour le plaquer au sol. Il rit et rit encore. Je lui dis : “Ne te moque pas de ma pauvre voiture lente ! C’est une bonne voiture ! Elle gagnera un jour !” et il se réjouit encore, et je le lutte à nouveau. Nous nous amusons beaucoup avec ce jeu.

L’autre jour, à la fin du Temps Particulier, j’ai fait quelque chose que je ne fais pas d’habitude. Je lui ai demandé de ramasser quelques jouets que nous avions éparpillés. Il s’est allongé sur le sol et a dit : “Je n’aime pas ranger !”. Je l’ai à nouveau câliné : Je l’ai encore serré contre moi : “Viens ici, Toi Qui Ne Veux Jamais Ranger !” et nous avons joué un peu plus à la bagarre. J’ai continué le jeu en lui disant avec impatience : “Je suis sûr que tu veux ramasser cette balle !”, je lui tendais la balle et il la jetait. Encore des câlins, de la lutte joyeuse et des rires. Nous avons joué ainsi pendant environ cinq minutes, puis j’ai abandonné l’idée de ranger ensemble.

Je n’avais pas le temps et je ne voulais pas insister pour ranger la pièce absolument à ce moment-là. Je n’avais pas envie de nous faire subir cela. Le désordre n’était pas grand.

Le lendemain, il est venu jouer. La première chose qu’il a faite a été de ramasser une couverture que j’avais jetée sur le tapis. Il l’a pliée et l’a mise à sa place. Il a ramassé des chaussures qui avaient été oubliées dans la cuisine et les a rangées dans le meuble à chaussures. Il a rangé les magazines sur la table basse. Il a rangé quelques livres. Et il m’a demandé s’il y avait autre chose qu’il pouvait nettoyer.

La récompense de nos câlins ludiques sur le nettoyage n’est arrivée qu’un jour plus tard, mais elle était très agréable à voir.

Dans la boîte à outils “Hand in Hand” :

Rapproche-toi de ton enfant en seulement cinq minutes. Montre-moi comment.

If there’s one thing that can affect mental health more than almost anything else, it’s money. Running out of it can take its toll on your mind (especially if you’re penniless!)

In this post, we take a look at some of the ways money can affect your mental health. Then, we explore some of the techniques you can use to improve your financial situation.

Please note that none of what follows should be construed as financial advice. Furthermore, some people may still struggle with mental health conditions related to money, even if they become wealthy. Simply having more cash in your account isn’t always the answer.

Financial strain can also show up in relationships. You might be okay with having less money, but your partner might not be, leading to arguments.

Sleepless Nights

When money problems start to take their toll, it can also lead to sleepless nights. Worrying about finances can prevent you from enjoying rest by activating your brain’s fear centers. Eventually, this can lead to insomnia if it goes on for too long.

Furthermore, lack of sleep can harm your ability to get out of your adverse financial situation. You can’t think properly or work harder to solve the problem, so it can sometimes get worse.

Strained Relationships


Finally, as mentioned before, money problems can cause strained relationships. It can be hard for other people to understand where you’re coming from financially, particularly romantic partners.

Not having enough money can also affect how you interact with friends and family. You might have to borrow money from them all the time or be unable to attend social occasions.

How To Fix Your Money Problems


Fortunately, there are some ways to fix your money problems and protect your mental health. Even if you’re going through a challenging time, there are several things you can do.

Cut Out Anything Non-Essential


The first step when encountering money issues is to cut out anything non-essential. Does your dog require a weekly grooming service or can you do this yourself?

Think about the things you can live without and then cut them out of your life for peace of mind. Focus on spending money where it matters most – your happiness.

Take Control Of Your Spending


At the same time, you’ll want to take control of your spending (if it’s a concern). Reducing unnecessary expenses and focusing on essentials can quickly improve your financial situation.

For example, if you’re making frequent impulse purchases, ask yourself if you truly need them. Do you really need that new coffee maker, or can you wait?

Entertainment can also be a big budget drain. Track your spending on things like going out to eat, streaming services, or hobbies. You might be surprised by how much it adds up. Consider cheaper alternatives or cut back on the frequency.

Search For Hidden Money


Another approach is to look for hidden money. Sometimes you can release additional funds without harming your long-term prospects.

One option is to go online and look for more details on releasing money from annuities. Instead of waiting for income to come through (leaving you with less than you might need), you release the entire sum upfront, allowing you to pay off debts and begin investing the remainder effectively.

Another option is to take money from your home if it has recently appreciated in value. Remortgaging can free the additional equity, helping you plow it back into other projects.

Seek Help


Finally, don’t take the view that you have to deal with money problems alone. Seeking help is an excellent way to overcome difficulties and challenges.

Lots of people can help you, whether you want to manage debt or reduce spending. Financial professionals can even tailor advice to your situation, giving you a roadmap for how you could proceed.

When someone is in debt, it can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulder, that you’re constantly running around to stop from drowning under the weight of it. For some people it gets too much and it feels like there is no way out, and they feel like their only option is to declare bankruptcy. There are alternatives, though, to help you breathe a little easier. 

No one ever said that raising a family would be cheap. It’s one of our biggest joys in life, but also one that comes with a lot of ups and downs, twists and turns, and unexpected expenses.

Running a household on a budget has never been easy, but the rising cost of living has led to all but the wealthiest households pinching pennies and trying to make ends meet. When you have children of your own, you always have to find a way. Sometimes, that means leaning on credit cards, lines of credit, or other types of debt to make it all work at the end of the month.

Paying back that debt can be tough, even when times get better. Debt can become a trap, and even getting that promotion or a better-paying job doesn’t mean you’ll be able to pay it all off in a timely manner. It can be even harder if you don’t see any improvements in yo

James Catchpole, standing, with daughter Viola, left, wife Lucy, centre, and daughter Ismene

By Louise Kinross

In the children’s book You’re So Amazing!, a boy called Joe is confused by people’s reactions to him. Joe has one leg and gets around on crutches. Whether riding a bouncy playground toy or eating ice cream, kids and adults tell him he’s “SO amazing!” The over-the-top attention makes him want to disappear. But when he retreats, he’s seen as  “poor Joe.” The book is written by James and Lucy Catchpole, who run a literary agency in England.

Kirkus Reviews described it as “a reassuring, if not empowering, exploration of the disability experience” and suggested “disabled readers may desire concrete tips for addressing awkward interactions.” Over e-mail, James and Lucy explained their views on the role children play in navigating uncomfortable social situations. James has the same disability as the character Joe, and Lucy uses a wheelchair. 

BLOOM: What do you hope children and parents take away from the book?

James Catchpole: We hope to make readers aware of some of the ways people respond to disability.

As disabled people, we know that strangers often have strong emotional responses to us. I’ve known it since I was a child, when the sight of me seemed to make people feel things: sometimes sadness and pity; sometimes joy. I often found them confusing at the time, but those responses will undoubtedly have shaped who I was then and who I am now. People were happy when I walked fast on crutches, so I still walk fast.

We want disabled children to have a way of understanding these responses, and to know they’re not wrong to find them confusing. The’ll learn soon enough that people will hang all sorts of baggage on them—feelings and narratives that have nothing to do with who they are. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

And we hope that non-disabled readers might question their own attitudes and responses. Small children tend not to be weighed down by too much emotion, actually. They may be amazed and curious and express those feelings loudly and incautiously for a minute, but they don’t bring the emotional baggage with them that older kids and grown-ups do. [The latter] can be just as othering as being asked the personal questions that little ones ask.

BLOOM: Kirkus Reviews suggests the book isn’t empowering because it doesn’t offer practical tips for how Joe, or other kids with disabilities, should respond to awkward comments. I’m assuming that was intentional, because I’ve read that you don’t feel it’s the child’s job to educate others. Can you please explain your thinking?

James Catchpole: We don’t think a disabled child has much chance of changing a grown-up’s emotional response by explaining anything, even if that were their role! It would be asking a great deal of them. It’s hard enough to understand what the older kids and grown-ups are on about, and in any case, they hold all the power. And besides, when did rational explanation ever overrule emotion?

In [our first book] What Happened to You? we were keen to let disabled readers know that they’re not obliged to tell their stories. In You’re So Amazing! it’s more complicated, and Kirkus were right to point that out. But just because there aren’t easy solutions, that doesn’t mean the problem would be best left undiscussed. We still want kids like Joe to feel understood, and we want them to understand their own lives. Knowledge alone can be empowering. And of course, the onus is on everyone else to change how they respond.

BLOOM: It’s common in children’s rehab for parents to be encouraged to teach their child advocacy skills so that they can explain their differences. That puts the onus on the child to educate. Is there a better way?

James Catchpole: We believe those advocacy skills can become an obligation to respond to what are often personal and rude interrogations, by breaching one’s own privacy. If we wouldn’t offer up our most personal history, as parents, to satisfy a stranger’s passing curiosity, then why would we encourage our disabled children to do so?

We think parents would do better by empowering their disabled children to draw their own boundaries. ‘I don’t want to talk about that,’ is a legitimate—and empowering—response!

BLOOM: Is there anything else you’d like to share about how your children’s books explore disability issues a bit differently from other books on the market?

James Catchpole: Most books about disability are written by non-disabled authors. And it shows. On the subject of personal questions, they tend to suggest that it’s always best to ask. Better for non-disabled people who want answers, maybe!

But of course it runs much deeper than that. Disabled characters generally exist in storytelling, from Richard the Third to tiny Tim, as literary devices to incite emotion. They’re there to make us laugh, cry or shudder. They have very little to do with the reality of the disabled experience. The phenomenon of disabled authors being granted the space to write truthfully about that experience is almost entirely a new thing. We’re delighted to be part of a new wave of disabled storytelling, looking to overturn the old narratives about ourselves.

BLOOM: Lucy has a new book coming out in August in the UK, and in North America next year. Can you tell us about it?

Lucy Catchpole: Mama Car is a change from the other books. Unlike James, I wasn’t a disabled child. I became disabled when I was 19. This book comes directly out of my experience as a disabled parent.

As a wheelchair-user, I’ve become used to navigating all the strange ways the world treats me. But for my children, I am as I am. Their love for my disabled body, and my wheelchair, was a wonderful shock.

A wheelchair is such an obvious, simple tool—it’s literally a chair with wheels. Who doesn’t like a chair, and who doesn’t like wheels? But somehow, when you put the two together, you end up with something highly stigmatized. And when you use one, all sorts of presumptions are made about you.

But for our children, with a wheelchair-using mother and amputee father, disability is normal.

Mama Car is a small story really, of small domestic adventures seen through a young child’s eyes. But the parents in it are disabled—like us. Disabled parents are, at last, finally becoming more visible. I hope this book can be a part of that. 

Like this interview? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

As International Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome awareness month comes to a close I wanted to talk some more about how Ehlers Danlos Syndrome affects the body in ways you might not have expected, and specifically the way it affects mine. I posted part 1 already, and here is part 2. EDS, as I’ve explained in many previous posts, is a group of genetic defects that causes the body to improperly make collagen, potentially causing all sorts of issues where collagen is found… which is most of the body.

First off, I wanted to say that it is really frustrating that I don’t have a regular doctor managing my care who can explain to me which of my issues are connected to EDS, and who to go to for help with those issues, and the direction to go in. While I went to the EDS expert in my country, visits to her are really expensive and not something I can do regularly, so a lot of what I am learning about my body and how it is affected by EDS is things I’ve had to piece together, also from other members of the EDS community, and my own research. 

It sucks that it is like that, but Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, despite being discovered in the early 1900s, is only now being studied more in depth to find out the many ways it affects the body. However, that means, at least, in future generations, or maybe in my lifetime, other people will have the information more readily available, and maybe even the average general practitioner will be more knowledgeable and can manage an EDS patient’s care like I wish mine could.

Because much of this is research I’ve had to do myself, and I can’t just link you to article after article on the topic, this post will be much more “sciency” than previous posts of mine.

So here are some more ways in which Ehlers Danlos Syndrome affects the body.

Bones

Bone density: The EDS specialist I went to referred both myself and my son to get a bone density scan. I didn’t understand why, at the time, but looked it up and found that people with certain types of EDS tend to have lower bone density than the norm, and should be regularly checked for osteopenia from a younger age than you’d usually check them. Fortunately, regular exercise helps with bone mineralization, so this can hopefully be avoided with EDS safe exercise.

Breaks: I never broke any bones in my life, because every time I fall or do something to injure myself, my joints and muscles give way instead of bones, which is why I’ve had more sprains than I can count in my life,. My son, Ike, on the other hand, has broken 7 bones by the age of 14, and his first break was only at 8 or 9, so he’s averaged one break a year for the last many years. I would think, therefore, that his tendency to break would mean he doesn’d have EDS, because what do bones have to do with collagen, but I was actually very wrong. It is not just cartilage in the joints made of collagen; your bones are also made with a lot of collagen. So it would make sense that faulty collagen would lead to bones breaking, not just dislocations and sprains. 

It was a little hard to find research on this (and you have no idea how many studies I looked up and read but, in addition to having lower bone density, people with EDS tend to have a higher rate of fractures than the norm. The reasons for this is varied, but one of them is that people with EDS tend to have smaller cortical bone area and thickness, the compact and dense outer layer of your bone, which is what strengthens the bones. Another thing that causes bones to break more easily in people with EDS is that they tend to fall a lot more, because of joint instability. 

Proprioception: But with my son, it wasn’t just falls that caused breaks, it was his extremities (toes and fingers) getting hurt because of smashing them into things or dropping dangerous things on them because he didn’t realize his toes were there. This, too, is connected to EDS, because people with EDS have worse proprioception, the awareness of where the body is in space. (I also have terrible proprioception and it’s part of why I fall a lot, as well.) 

Why is proprioception worse in people with EDS? Well, fascia is a network of connective tissue that surrounds and connects most things in your body, such as muscles, bones, and organs. We have proprioceptors, receptors in the body that detect information about body position and movement, and they communicate with the nerves and brain through the fascial network.  This doesn’t work properly in people with EDS because fascia is made up of… you guessed it… collagen. Fortunately, there are ways to help with this, such as physical therapy including repetitive muscle vibration (using various tools) and even using kinesiology tape. This is fascinating and gives me hope that maybe I can improve mine, and maybe my son’s as well, so he doesn’t break as many bones. 

Spine Curvature: People with EDS often have scoliosis (S shaped spine) or kyphosis (forward curvature of the spine), a different incorrect curvatures of the spine. There’s a specific type of EDS called kyphoscoliotic EDS which has both severely, but others can have less severe types. I have kyphosis and 2 of my kids have been diagnosed with scoliosis, though fortunately not severely. The EDS specialist recommended that I do Schroth style PT to help with that, and my physical therapist is helping with that.

Digestive Tract

One of the most common ways EDS affects the body is in the digestive tract. Some studies suggest that between 50% and 90% of people with EDS have gastrointestinal issues!!! Your digestive tract is chock full of connective tissue, and that would explain why these are so prevalent.

GERD: Probably the most common type of GI issues connected with EDS is GERD, when the sphincter at the bottom of the esophagus doesn’t work properly and allows stomach acid into the esophagus, which causes heartburn, regurgitation, and chestpain. Over 50% of people diagnosed with hypermobile EDS have GERD according to one study. This is because the sphincter is made up of collagen, specifically the type of collagen that is faulty in hEDS and sometimes in Classical EDS as well. I have GERD, and have been on medication for it for a year, which is great. I didn’t have so much burning as much as feeling like I was going to puke, but meds helped that go away.

IBS, irritable bowel syndrome, is also common with EDS, which can cause constipation, diarrhea, nausea, bloating, and gas. Up to 62% of people with hEDS have IBS. I got diagnosed with IBS as a kid, and it is a pain and a half, and is part of the reason I avoid certain foods, because they irritate my already irritable stomach. 

Delayed gastric emptying, with the worst being gastroparesis, partial paralysis of the stomach, with lots of negative symptoms, is also common among people with EDS, but fortunately I am not one of those.

R-CPD Now this last one is not something I’ve seen any studies on, and never have been officially diagnosed with, because I didn’t even know it had a name, or that it was an official thing to even bring up with my doctor. No Burp Syndrome, officially called Retrograde Cricopharyngeus Dysfunction (R-CPD/No Burp Syndrome), is a relatively rare condition in which the cricopharyngeus muscle doesn’t relax to allow air to exit the stomach and esophagus, which, as the name makes obvious, makes you unable to burp, something necessary to allow excess air to escape the body. Because of this inability to burp, people with R-CPD have loud gurgling noises, bloating and discomfort, and excessive flatulence. As you can imagine, this is quite irritating. 

I have not seen any studies that connect R-CPD to Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (though I did find a reddit thread on it) but that is understandable because they are both relatively rare, with RCPD even more rare as far as I can tell… but I am including it here because it is quite clear to me that it is connected. Sphincter issues are often related to EDS. GERD is caused by an issue with the lower esophageal sphincter. Delayed gastric emptying, as mentioned above is a common side effect of people with EDS, and is connected to an issue with the Pyloric sphincter at the bottom of the stomach. People with EDS also commonly have issues with the anal sphincter. Sphincters are ring shaped muscles that act like valves throughout your body, and contain connective tissues. The cricopharyngeus muscle has a lot of type I collagen, which patients with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (specifically hEDS and also classic EDS) make improperly, so according to my logic, this would be a clear cause of it for me, and maybe other people as well. 

Eyes

Eye issues of all types are common with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome because eyes are… you guessed it, built up of connective tissues (80% collagen, if you can imagine). My eyes have been causing me problems for the past few years. I’ve worn glasses since I was 9, but since I was 12 my prescription had stayed more or less the same, around -2.00 but suddenly at the age of 32 my prescription changed to 3.00/-3.25, and then 4 months later they jumped to 3.5/4.0 in addition to needed reading glasses/progressive lenses at quite a young age (usually presbyopia, having difficulty with close up vision as you age, only starts up at around 40), and every 4-6 months after that my prescription changed and I needed new really expensive progressive lenses again! Now, 4 years later I am over 5.00 and my presbyopia has gotten worse as well. I didn’t have an explanation as to why this was happening- my optometrist was flummoxed, and the ophthalmologist I went to was flummoxed as well. 

Kerataconus. However, after going to the EDS specialist, she sent me to an eye specialist who tested me for a few more things and ruled out some serious things, but brought up the possibility of kerataconus, where the cornea (made of collagen) gets more and more misshapen, which can cause eyesite to get rapidly worse, and is a frequent comorbidity of EDS. If I have it, it would be in the early stages, but she wanted me to get tested every 6 months and bring my optometry records over the past few years.

If that isn’t the issue, I’m not sure what exactly is causing this, but I’m sure it has something to do with my collagen. But even if I had keratoconus, that doesn’t cause presbyopia. 

There is more than one theory about the cause of presbyopia. One is that the lens hardens and thickens as you age, and then cannot change shape as needed to focus on objects close up. Another theory is that it is caused by issues with the ciliary muscle, found behind the iris, which contracts and relaxes to help the lens change shape and bend light rays to focus on the retina to see nearby. The ciliary muscle is made of a lot of collagen… if that stretches out… then it can’t properly reshape the iris as needed…

Dry Eyes– Dry Eye Disease is also prevalent in many with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, especially hEDS. This is because of a dysfunction in the tear film layers, likely because of issues with the tear gland, which are supported by collagen. I’ve had dry eyes my whole life, and it has caused me pain, and it is why I blink a lot, and it is why, when I wore contact lenses, I had to wear ones for dry eyes. Sometimes my vision is even affected by it, and I need to blink a bunch of times to be able to see clearly.

Why did I lump all these three together? Because they are a system that works together, affects each other, and is connected, and I can’t talk about one without the other.

Ear Infections. People with EDS are more likely to get ear infections for various reasons, such as weakened connective tissues compromising the integrity of the mucous membranes structural weakness, making them more susceptible to infection. On top of that, the eustachian tube helps regulate pressure and drain fluid from the ear, and the tissue surrounding it can have structural abnormalities or laxity, leading to impaired functioning of the eustachian tube, leading to fluid buildup and increased risk of infections. Your ear drums are made with a lot of collagen, which means they are more susceptible to bursting in people with EDS, which can contribute to infection, ear pain, or affect hearing.

TMJ. Everyone has a TMJ, which stands for tempera mandibular joint, which is the joint that connects your jaw to your skull. But when people say they have TMJ, they usually mean that they have problems with that joint. Guess what affects that joint? The same as affects any other joint- your cartilage and collagen! If the joints in your ankle or pelvis are hypermobile, so are your TMJ joints, which can cause all sorts of problems. 

People with TMJ issues aren’t supposed to chew gum or tough meats or hard things like carrot sticks or other things that require lots of prolonged chewing. This is why I never chew gum (and recently I had some hard rice crispy treats and felt it in my jaw and could immediately feel the damage it was doing). Extra sticky stuff like taffy that make it hard to open and close your mouth put extra strain on that joint. Opening your mouth really wide to take large bites of foods like extra large burgers, for example, also aren’t good for these joints. I knew these things caused me pain, but one time the pain didn’t go away even after a few days, and I mentioned it to my physical therapist who told me that they are also trained there, and she was able to put my dislocated jaw back into place and the pain was gone.

Painful Ears. Yes, I’m back to ears. I love swimming, and it is very good for my body, and was recommended to me by the EDS specialist as a way to strengthen my muscles to keep my joints in place. But every time I’d go swimming, if I put my ears underwater, over time (after 15 minutes of swimming like that, or maximum up to 30 minutes), I’d be in a lot of pain, and each time I’d put my ears in the water after that it would start again. This really affected my ability to swim. 

While I could swim with my ears out of the water, most swimming with ears out of the water involves arching your lower back somewhat, and since my lower back is the most painful part of my body and the reason I need to go swimming, it would be counter intuitive for me to swim like that. 

I tried using earplugs and they made it so much worse. I realized that the pain was because of the pressure on my ears from the water, and ear plugs just increase the pressure. So when I swim it mostly is water walking and treading water because I can’t tolerate the ear pain.

I went to an ENT about a year ago and he said he could tell my throat was all red from GERD; he said because of the connection between the throat and the ears via the eustachian tubes, the irritation in my throat was causing ear pain as well. He put me on meds for that, and now the GERD that wasn’t terribly painful is now gone, and I think I might have been able to extend the time I can swim without pain, but I’m not sure. However, even if it did help somewhat, it is still painful and problematic and didn’t solve the issue. 

I went back to a different ENT and he said that he had never heard of a connection between GERD and ear pain. He immediately picked up on my TMJ issues when looking in my ear, and said that because of my issues with that joint, there is already extra pressure in my ear, and going underwater puts even more pressure on it, causing the pain. Without my telling him anything about it, he pointed out that cold air also would cause me ear pain (he’s absolutely right; I hadn’t connected it, but it is the same exact pain as when I swim). 

I’m not 100% sure why TMJ issues cause that pain for me, but Google suggests that it can be any of the following- because TMJ issues can cause eustachian tube issues, muscle inflammation, or nerve irritation, and both water pressure and cold air can exacerbate those issues. The doctor suggested I take Bengay and/or Voltaren and rub it around my ear, along the temporomandibular joint, to relax the area and warm it up before swimming. I haven’t tried it yet, to be honest, but it sounds promising, since it actually makes sense, and because he picked up on the cold hurting my ears without my needing to tell him.

Why Does It Matter? 

Why do I care? Why does it matter? Who cares what EDS causes?

Someone, who shall not be named, told me that they feel that I’m obsessed with EDS so that I can victimize myself and not take any responsibility for my issues. In fact, I would say it is precisely the opposite. 

Specifically, because I know about EDS and the various issues it causes, I am able to find out the source of the problem and then I can pursue treatment. Not knowing the cause of an issue makes me spin in circles and not even know what to do about it. That isn’t to say that every single EDS symptom can automatically be improved because you know the cause, but for many it can be. 

For example, the swimming issue caused by TMJ. And hopefully, we can find a treatment for some of my eye issues now that we are looking further into them because of the knowledge of what EDS does to eyes. I will ask my physical therapist about doing repetitive muscle vibration to help me with my proprioception issues and maybe also have my son do it. 

Because of this, with her permission, I was able to try to solve the issue each time. I tugged on her arm, creating traction with the joint, and moved it around in a few different ways, and then all of a sudden, the pain was gone, since what I did fixed the subluxation or dislocation (I don’t know which it was because I didn’t take her for x rays, but it honestly doesn’t matter).  It hurt her when I did that, but after a minute or so her pain was gone. Knowledge of EDS helped me stop my daughter’s pain by fixing what was wrong that was causing the pain.

Do you have any of these issues? Do you have an EDS diagnosis? How many of these things did you know were connected to EDS?

My daughter’s school offers music lessons, one of them being violin. When she heard her friend was taking violin lessons, she came to me and told me she dreamed of learning to play the violin. I was a little nervous because I knew how expensive a violin is, and for someone just starting out, not even knowing if they’d like it enough to continue, it is a huge investment. Fortunately, my friend told me about a violin rental company that she uses, and that reassured me that taking lessons would be affordable. In the end, my daughter went with a ukelele which I ordered from Amazon, but this whole situation opened my eyes to the concept of instrument rental.

We’re about to break down all the ways rental programs have got your back on your musical journey.

Rental programs make that first and basic step way more affordable and approachable. Most shops offer insanely reasonable monthly rates that’ll keep those strings within reach while you figure out if it’s really your vibe.

Flexibility for Intermediate Players

Once you’ve gotten those beginner basics down and you’re ready to take it up a little bit, rentals have your back with flexibility. Instead of being stuck with that starter violin or cello, you can level up to a nicer, more sophisticated model that matches your growing skills. Swap it out as much as needed! Rental companies are all about keeping you equipped for the next stage. Pretty convenient, right?

Convenience for Advanced Musicians

Speaking of convenience, pros, and semi-pros, listen up. Even when you’re an experienced, gigging musician, string instrument rentalsstring instrument rentals can be a crazy convenient option. If, for example, you need a low-hassle way to grab a backup bass or viola on the fly, rental companies are a great deal.

Some shops will even give you a discount for renting multiple instruments at once. Talk about a power move for your versatile arsenal.

Affordability for Musicians of All Levels

Real talk – whether you’re a first-timer, hobbyist, or making moves towards that professional grind, being a string musician is an investment. The upfront costs of purchasing can be a total budget-buster.

Rental fees are just way more manageable every month while still giving you access to legit, performance-quality axes. You have to love a deal that supports the hustle. Here’s how rental companies make renting string instruments more affordable:

• They have reasonable monthly fees that are a fraction of the purchase price.
• Rental companies have the ability to apply rental payments towards an eventual purchase.
• You can enjoy bundle/discount rates for renting multiple instruments at once.
• There are long-term rental options at reduced monthly costs.
• They offer rent-to-own programs that build equity over time.
• There will be no down payments, taxes, or interest charges on rentals.
• They have free maintenance, repairs, and replacements included in rental fees.
• You can opt in for trade-in/upgrade options as skills progress without new full costs.
• There are discounted rental rates for students, educators, or members of music organizations.
• You can get seasonal/holiday rental sales and promotions.
• There are flexible rental terms with the ability to pause or cancel without penalty.
• Lastly, there is no obligation to continue renting if the situation changes.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, string instrument rental programs are out here serving up three things. These are flexibility, convenience, and of course, affordability for players at every single level. Imagine this, from your first note to the big stage, it can be an option worth riding with through every phase of your musical journey.

Don’t be sleeping on it, rental life might just be the key to unlocking your string symphony, and believe me, it’s cool and worth it.

I honestly used to think a knife was just a knife, since growing up we basically had paring knives, serrated knives, and bread knives, and that’s it. When I got married and built my own home, I just bought some short cheap serrated knives and replaced them when they got dull. 

One time when I was sick, my friend Leah came over at my house so she could make me some soup (so sweet, I know!) and when she tried to cut the butternut squash she wanted to put in the soup she asked me if I had any better knife, and I didn’t even know what she was talking about. She then taught me about chef knives and how much better they are, so I bought some and started using them. 

But then they got a little dull and were less great. One day I was at the butcher and saw how easily he was cutting through tough meat and I asked him what kind of knife he was using. He showed me and it was essentially a chef’s knife, but he showed me his honing rod and said he used that every day and it helped keep the knife sharp. Since then, I bought a honing rod and definitely noticed the huge difference, but now I still need to get a knife sharpener.

If you want your good knives to last longer, here’s what you can do.

Invest in Quality: While it may seem counterintuitive for a frugal approach, investing in a high-quality knife from the get-go can actually save you money in the long run. A well-crafted knife, such as a Damascus chef knife, is made to withstand the test of time with proper care. Look for knives made from durable materials like high-carbon stainless steel, which offer excellent edge retention and corrosion resistance.

Proper Storage: How you store your knives can significantly impact their lifespan. Avoid tossing them into cluttered drawers where they can bump against other utensils, causing nicks and dulling the blade. Instead, opt for a knife block, magnetic strip, or knife roll to keep them organized and protected.

Regular Sharpening: Keeping your knives sharp isn’t just about maintaining optimal performance—it’s also about prolonging their lifespan. Dull knives require more force to cut through food, increasing the risk of accidents and causing premature wear and tear on the blade. Invest in a good quality sharpening stone or honing steel and make it a habit to sharpen your knives regularly.

Hand Washing: While it may be tempting to toss your knives in the dishwasher for convenience, the harsh detergents and abrasive conditions can wreak havoc on their edges and handles. Instead, hand wash your knives with mild soap and warm water, drying them immediately to prevent rusting. This simple step can go a long way in preserving their longevity.

Use Cutting Boards: Protect your knives—and your countertops—by using cutting boards made from wood, bamboo, or plastic. Avoid cutting on hard surfaces like granite or glass, as they can quickly dull your blades. Additionally, using a separate cutting board for meats and vegetables can prevent cross-contamination and extend the lifespan of your knives by reducing exposure to corrosive substances.

Handle with Care: Treat your knives with the respect they deserve. Avoid using them to pry open cans or packages, as this can chip the blade or loosen the handle. Additionally, refrain from chopping on hard bones or frozen foods, as this can cause micro-fractures in the blade.

By incorporating these simple yet effective strategies into your kitchen routine, you can maximize the lifespan of your knives without breaking the bank. Whether you’re chopping vegetables for a stir-fry or slicing through a perfectly seared steak, your trusty Damascus chef knife will be there for you, ready to tackle any culinary challenge with precision and grace. Remember, a little care goes a long way when it comes to preserving the tools of your trade.

Q. “Mon fils de 6 ans semble souffrir d’anxiété de performance et de perfectionnisme, non seulement à l’école mais aussi dans sa vie en général. J’aimerais avoir quelques idées ou de l’aide à ce sujet. Plus précisément, je remarque que mon fils commence un travail à la maison (par exemple, un problème de maths) et qu’il entre dans une frénésie émotionnelle telle qu’il ne peut même pas lire le problème (ce qu’il est tout à fait capable de faire). Ce problème ne se limite pas au travail scolaire, mais affecte tous les domaines de la vie de mon fils.”

Chère maman réfléchie :

Oui, il semble que les sentiments aient enfermé ton petit garçon dans une boîte qui devient de plus en plus étroite pour lui. C’est bien que tu cherches des idées ! Nous allons te présenter plusieurs façons d’aider les enfants qui souffrent de perfectionnisme.

Une façon de considérer sa peur de faire des erreurs est de la considérer comme un symptôme d’un nœud de peur qu’il transporte dans toutes les situations. Si tu ne t’occupes que du symptôme – les difficultés en mathématiques, par exemple – tes actions seront moins efficaces que si tu t’occupes de la situation qui nécessite ton aide pour faire face à ses peurs en général.

L’un des moyens d’aider les enfants à prendre confiance en eux de manière globale est de jouer activement avec eux, de jouer de manière turbulente. La force et la confiance des enfants se développent grâce à des batailles d’oreillers, des poursuites à travers la maison, des promenades à cheval qui se terminent par une ruade (prudente, mais pas trop) sur un tapis moelleux, des concours dans lesquels il saute sur le lit ou le canapé tandis que tu essaies (mais échoues la plupart du temps) de lui attraper les pieds, ou encore en le mettant sur ton dos et en lui faisant faire des tours de manège dans toute la maison.  Pendant ce type de jeu, observe attentivement ce qui le fait rire et fais-en plus, en essayant d’obtenir le plus de rire possible. Prends le rôle du moins puissant, du moins capable dans le jeu. Fais l’imbécile, essaies de l’attraper mais trébuche et tombe, offre-lui des baisers et poursuis-le dans tous les sens pour n’arriver à en déposer qu’un seul. Tu n’as pas vraiment besoin d’un prétexte pour jouer de cette façon. Commence simplement, remarque les moments où le rire éclate et multiplie les activités qui ont créé cette ouverture.

Essaie de maintenir ce type de jeu, que nous appelons Jeu-écoute.  Veille à ne pas jouer avec une telle force que tu risquerais de le submerger et de l’effrayer, mais lance-lui de temps en temps un défi au milieu d’un jeu qu’il sait pouvoir gérer. Tu ne veux pas qu’il se sente en danger d’être vaincu. Laisse-lui toujours une chance de se relever pour te “récupérer”. Ses rires l’aident à évacuer sa peur et à développer son sens de la résilience. Lorsqu’il se blesse (les petits chocs peuvent provoquer des torrents de larmes ou de colère), il suffit de s’approcher et d’écouter. Laisse-le pleurer passionnément aussi longtemps qu’il en a besoin. Ces pleurs chaleureux, avec ton soutien, font partie de ce qui est nécessaire pour l’aider à ne pas se sentir facilement dépassé par de petites tâches et à se sentir puissant même lorsqu’il est confronté à des difficultés.

Le Jeu-écoute énergique prépare le terrain pour la prochaine œuvre, qui abordera plus directement sa peur de faire des erreurs.

Je vais maintenant décrire l’outil Rester-écouter pour l’aider à surmonter sa peur. Tu lui as dit, probablement à de nombreuses reprises, que les erreurs sont acceptables et qu’elles font partie du processus d’apprentissage. C’est important, mais c’est une étape que tu peux maintenant considérer comme “terminée”. Tes conseils verbaux ont fait tout ce qu’ils pouvaient faire. Les concepts ne nous aident pas lorsque nous sommes contrariés. Lorsque ses sentiments de “je suis submergé” apparaissent, ils effacent les bonnes choses que tu as essayé de lui transmettre. Tu ne peux rien lui apprendre dans ces moments-là. Ce que tu peux faire, c’est lui prêter attention et lui offrir ta bienveillance pendant qu’il est submergé par ses sentiments et qu’il les déverse dans les larmes et les crises de colère.

Imaginons qu’il se soit énervé devant un problème de mathématiques. Tu lui dis : “Je vais t’aider pendant que tu recommences le problème”, sur un ton léger et encourageant. Il dit qu’il ne veut pas et des sentiments apparaissent. Approche-toi de lui et dis-lui : “Je vais t’aider. Voyons cela”. Il se met alors en colère et dit qu’il ne veut pas. Reste près de lui. Écoute-le. Laisse-le se laisser submerger par ses sentiments. Sois aussi chaleureux et confiant que possible, compte tenu des circonstances. Lorsque ses pleurs ou sa crise de colère se calment, dis-lui : “Je pense que tu peux probablement le faire. Regardons encore une fois.” Permets-lui d’exploser. Permets-lui de pleurer. Permets-lui de dépasser la raison. Permets-lui de se mettre en colère contre toi. Permets-lui de dire des choses horribles sur toi, sur l’école et sur tout ce qui lui passe par la tête. Écoute. Ton attention est un puissant antidote au sentiment qu’il combat.

Continue à mettre en avant l’idée qu’il peut le faire. Que te resteras jusqu’à ce qu’il soit prêt à réessayer. Qu’il sera bon d’essayer à nouveau. Qu’il trouvera la solution. Mais ne parle pas beaucoup. Dis seulement quelques mots de temps en temps pendant qu’il se met en colère ou qu’il pleure. Garde-le là, où il est en position de réessayer. N’insiste pas pour qu’il essaie à nouveau dans un délai précis. L’expression des sentiments est un processus de guérison qui prendra le temps qu’il faudra. Il n’y a pas d’urgence. Il est au milieu d’un mauvais rêve émotionnel et sa perception est déformée par les mauvais sentiments qui se manifestent. Lorsqu’il en aura évacué une partie, il sera en mesure de réfléchir et d’essayer à nouveau.

C’est le processus de guérison. C’est la fonte du découragement. C’est la frustration qui s’évacue. C’est le “Je ne peux pas le faire ! Je ne suis pas bon !” qui s’évacue de lui. N’essaie pas de le raisonner. N’essaie pas de le convaincre qu’il est intelligent. Au lieu de cela, écoute-le jusqu’à ce qu’il se sente mieux – cela peut prendre beaucoup de temps. Mais il se sentira mieux quand il aura fini, si te peux l’écouter jusqu’à ce qu’il ait fini.

Ainsi, chaque fois qu’il se met en colère, à propos des maths ou d’autre chose, rapproche-toi de lui et encourage-le très légèrement. S’il dit : “Je déteste les maths ! Je suis nul en maths”, dis-lui quelque chose comme “Ça peut changer, mon chéri. Ce ne sera pas toujours comme ça”, ou “Chéri, je pense que tu peux probablement y arriver”. (Et non pas “Oh, mon chéri, tu es TELLEMENT intelligent ! Bien sûr que tu peux !”) Indique simplement que les choses pourraient s’arranger à la fin et qu’il n’est pas seul – tu es avec lui pendant qu’il se sent mal. Tu lui serviras de point d’ancrage pendant les épisodes émotionnels de classe mondiale. Et il se débarrassera de cette peur.

Un mot à propos des éloges : l’effet des éloges constantes vis-à-vis des efforts des enfants et du travail qu’ils produisent n’est pas tout à fait utile. Ce qui est réellement utile pour nos enfants, ce sont les moments où ils se sentent bien dans ce qu’ils ont fait. Nos sentiments à l’égard de leur travail sont importants, mais secondaires. La motivation la plus puissante pour apprendre est le sentiment d’accomplissement et de maîtrise de l’enfant. Et ils “comprennent” lorsque nous sommes satisfaits, même sans mots d’encouragement. Ils peuvent entendre le plaisir dans nos voix et le voir sur nos visages. Si nous pouvons obtenir suffisamment de temps d’écoute de la part d’un autre parent pour que notre tension puisse s’exprimer, nous pouvons alors ressentir et montrer notre véritable plaisir, de sorte que nos enfants se sentent également “vus” dans leurs accomplissements.

Comme le souligne Alfie Kohn, spécialiste du comportement, nous voulons que les enfants travaillent à leur propre satisfaction intérieure, plutôt que de faire des efforts pour mériter nos louanges. Le Temps Particulier est un bon moyen d’aider les enfants à ressentir cette satisfaction intérieure, ainsi que le plaisir que nous éprouvons à leur égard. Pendant le Temps Particulier, nous leur accordons une attention particulière et ils font ce qu’ils aiment faire. Cela permet aux enfants d’être conscients de leurs propres sentiments et d’accéder à notre plaisir en demandant un Temps Particulier. Ils maîtrisent les choses parce que cela leur fait du bien de les maîtriser. Nous voulons les remarquer, les reconnaître, mais ne pas utiliser les compliments dans le cadre d’un “système de récompense”.  Tout ce dont ils ont besoin, c’est d’être en contact avec nous, ce qui favorisera leur volonté naturelle de maîtriser les choses.

J’espère que ces idées te seront utiles et que cela  te donnera envie de te mettre en lien avec nous et tous les autres parents qui s’inspirent des cinq outils de l’approche Hand in Hand, pour de venir les meilleurs allés de leurs enfants, face à toutes sortes de défis qu’ils rencontrent au quotidien.

Bien à toi,

Patty

Le nouveau livre de Patty, Écoute : les outils indispensables pour se connecter à son enfant est maintenant disponible en français !

Dans la boîte à outils “Hand in Hand” :

Voici de l’aide face aux batailles autour des devoirs

By all indicators, my son, Will and I were both as prepared as we could be for him to apply to college. He knew what he wanted to study, which made creating a list of choices easy. He also had the start to a compelling essay written.

While he focused on his ongoing science research and studying for classes, I made a spreadsheet that tracked due dates, requirements and if schools would accept his numerous AP credits. We toured schools, he narrowed the list and I paid the application fees as they came up.

Everything was going as well as it could be…until it wasn’t.

The college application process is the beginning of a separation between you and your teen. While I was never a helicopter parent, swooping in, I did have a friendly relationship with his guidance counselor, teachers and coaches.

I was present and tuned in, but stood back for my son to manage his own academic and sports in high school. Even so, it was pretty jarring when the application process began.

4 unexpected things I learned along the college application journey

1. Once submitted, the CSS Profile is hard to change.

There’s no easy way to say this: My son got his birthdate wrong on his CSS Profile and submitted it. It makes me laugh now, but at the time it was pretty rough.

It was a slip of the finger that had been exasperated by an accidental submission of the form while Will was trying to get my ex-husband to fill out the non-custodial parent section. The CSS Profile requires both parents to fill out financial data, regardless of whether both parents are contributing to paying for college. 

After the accidental submission, we looked for a way to correct it. After online avenues failed, I had to wait until business hours to phone the College Board and then spent hours on hold only to find out that even though it was less than a day later, we’d have to contact each school individually to correct it. The data had already been sent.

2. From application on, the school only communicates with the student

One of the things I began to notice during the CSS Profile debacle was that the schools needed Will to make the request in writing himself. As the applicant, only he could do so. Likewise, all communications from the schools he applied to went only to him.

This was an abrupt change that I wasn’t expecting (though it makes sense). While his high school was still sending everything to me, his college communications began the shift to independence. And since neither he nor I was expecting it, it took us a bit to find a groove. He assumed I received everything he did. I assumed he wasn’t receiving anything.

Now I ask him about grades and he forwards me emails he thinks are important.

3. The first few months are rough

Ok, I did expect this. But not quite in the way it was. After dropping my son off to college, my daughter and I drove back to our home in Maine. It was strange leaving him in a city so far away and even stranger coming home to a quieter house. 

For awhile, the flow of our home was disrupted. I struggled with how to cook for two instead of three (it’s a bigger shift than you might think!). We weren’t sure where to have dinner (the table felt so massive) or what to watch together. 

Eventually though, we figured it all out. My meat farmer sold me tiny portions of beef when he had them for tacos for two. We started watching Gilmore Girls together. And we both talked to my son regularly. 

4. Everyone will want you to be sad (but you don’t have to be)

The head tilt. The softening of the voice. The concerned questions. It drove me nuts. After I dropped my son off at college, it felt like everyone seemed to want me to be sad. They asked how much I cried dropping him off (I didn’t). They asked if he was homesick. But none of that was true for us.

When I left my son at college, I was content — happy that my son was in a place he wanted to be. And for his part, he settled in easily and quickly. He made friends, explored his new city and eagerly went to class and his work-study job. 

My daughter and I visited for family weekend in September and we had so much fun with him and his new roommate. In October, his high school friends flew down over a long weekend to hang out. In November, he came home for Thanksgiving — a luxurious weeklong break for his school. And in December, winter break started. Nowhere along the way was I sad about it — I was grateful that he was happy.

College admissions is the first step toward real independence

The college application process begins a severing of the parent-forward dynamic of elementary and secondary school. And it begins the process of a teen becoming a young adult.

When they are away at school, they get to choose when and what they eat, where they go and who they spend time with. But, as jarring as it can be, it’s also good and healthy.

My son has just finished his freshman year of college. My daughter will begin the application process in a few months. As apprehensive as I am about becoming an empty nester, I know it will all be okay. That’s probably the biggest lesson of all.

More Great Reading:

This Video Explains Everything About Being Lonely Freshman Year

College Admissions: Grown and Flown – affordable college guidance and community with admissions experts.

Grown and Flown was where I first saw the advice about how often to communicate with my college freshman. It was 2018, and we were just about to send the guinea pig off to a university three hours away. Another milestone, for him and us. Another challenge we’d be learning to navigate alongside our test kid. This time, the pressure was on.

When he was two and we’d chosen the wrong daycare, we fixed it before he was old enough to remember. When he was four and we didn’t know what to feed him besides chicken nuggets and macaroni, we course corrected before any long-term health effects took hold.

Leading up to my son leaving for college I listened to all the advice

But college? We might only have one shot at getting this right. This milestone felt far too important (and expensive) to just wing it. In the months leading up to his departure, I was a sponge for advice, soaking up wisdom and seasoned perspectives wherever I could find them.

One call per week was the suggested cadence

The author of the Grown and Flown piece argued that one call per week was the ideal cadence. She compared her kid’s college experience to her own in the 90s. She recounted that her folks had had to wait for hand-written letters in the mail; texting wasn’t a thing. Any phone calls they received came from a payphone in the hallway of her dorm that took actual quarters, and they lasted under 20 minutes.

If she and her parents had survived the separation, she argued, then surely her kid would be fine with one phone call per week. She made some valid points. I’d also seen the pitfalls of over-communication

I watched my friends over-communicate with their college kids

The year before, I had watched a friend suffer through her kid’s freshman year of college. She received daily texts about the worst roommate ever, and the worst professors ever, and the worst food ever, and the worst tests ever, and the worst TA’s, and the worst graders, and the worst…you name it.

My friend was miserable. At times, her daughter’s text rants and disappointing phone calls drove her to literal tears. She was constantly worried about her baby girl, clinging to any signs of happiness throughout the week. When we were having lunch together one day, her entire demeanor shifted from despondent to chipper after a simple text: “I got a 95” (on a test her daughter was positive she had failed the day before).

The interesting thing was, when I saw my friend’s daughter over winter break and asked how college was going, she seemed perfectly fine. She told me she was good and had earned a 4.0 her first semester. So what was the deal? Why had her mom been so worried for the past four months?

My guess: over-communication, along with some not-so-cool habits. The daughter had fallen into the routine of contacting her mom every time something difficult happened. And she probably had no idea the emotional anguish her constant complaints were causing her mother.

We took the one-call-per-week advice

Based on my friend’s difficult experience and the G&F advice I had read, we decided to set a one-call-per-week policy when our eldest went off to college. Stifling our own fears and anxiety, my husband and I assured our son there was no obligation to check in every day. Of course he could call us if he hit a snag, and we asked him to text us if anything cool or interesting happened, but there was no pressure. We said we’d like to hear his voice once a week, though —Sundays would be great if that worked for his schedule.

Our son agreed to a once-a-week call and here’s what happened

1. He finally colored outside the lines

You know the stereotype that firstborns are the rule followers, the ones judging everyone else and walking the straight and narrow? This was one hundred percent my eldest son. We used to joke that by kindergarten he was the most mature person in our family. 

Even in high school, he avoided trouble. No drinking, vaping, parties, late nights, or reckless pranks. He was just a really good kid. Too good. We kind of hoped he’d start to color outside the lines a bit once he got to college.

He certainly did. With a little space and freedom, our eldest child finally acted like, well, an 18-year-old with some steam to blow off. He didn’t get into anything too wild or terribly illegal, but he did push some boundaries. And I’m glad.

Making mistakes can help us relate to others, to be less judgmental and more empathetic. Breaking some rules is liberating and teaches us not to take ourselves too seriously. My kid needed that.

2. We had to remind him to call us sometimes

Without constant contact with his folks, our kid settled into college life just fine. He even forgot to call us a few times. If we hadn’t heard from him by Sunday evening, I’d text him the emoji of an old-fashioned telephone as a reminder that we needed proof of life.

3. He had time to process the bad, and then focus on the good

Was limiting our talks to one call per week the reason our son was enjoying his classes, learning a ton, meeting interesting people, and trying all kinds of new foods? Of course not. Our call schedule had nothing to do with it. But by the time we spoke to him every Sunday afternoon, these were the highlights he shared.

He certainly faced hiccups during the week, but we were usually spared the real-time drama. By our weekly call, he had already survived the issues that occurred three or four days earlier and determined they weren’t even worth mentioning. By Sunday, he had already processed the disappointment, stress, or frustration so that on our call, he could focus on the good things that had happened.

As far as we could tell, he was thriving in college. And for parents trying to adjust to this new phase, that assurance is everything.

4. His confidence soared without me interfering

Confession: For the first few years of his life, it was way too much about me. About my ego. About programming my child to be a perfect little reflection of me so everyone would know I was doing this motherhood thing right.

By the time he was about six, I started to back off. I had seen and read what happens to kids whose mothers never learn to just chill out and let their kids be independent. It does not go well as they grow up. Often, the relationship is either one of dysfunctional codependency where the adult child always seems to have a problem that mommy must swoop in to resolve, or a relationship in which the child feels suffocated enough their only choice is to sever ties with their parent.

Both of those scenarios seemed unbearable, so I tried really hard not to get in the way of my kids’ development. This might be the hardest thing a parent has to do—watch our kids struggle and let them fail. But you know when it gets a lot easier? When they don’t live in your home anymore. With the space to figure out his own schedule, prioritize his responsibilities, and navigate relationship issues on his own, my son gained the confidence to break out of his comfort zone.

We were pleasantly shocked when he called home one Sunday to tell us that not only had he joined a campus organization, he was running for an officer position. By junior year, the kid who had been the opposite of a joiner in high school was now coordinating campus-wide events at his university.

5. He graduated on schedule and without incident

When he graduated college after four years, my kid was happy. He had a full-time job lined up, a place to live, a wonderful girlfriend, and solid plans for the future—all without constant phone calls and texts from his parents. I’m not saying our call schedule was the reason for any of this, but it obviously didn’t hurt.

And I wonder…If he had been in touch with us all the time, reminded that the option to come back home was there if he needed it, would he have tried so hard? Would he have put himself out there, applied for as many jobs, and been as determined to make it on his own? We’ll never know.

6. We still hear from him every Sunday

Did you call your parents every week when you were 24? I sure didn’t. Not a chance. But it’s two years post graduation, and we still hear from our eldest every Sunday.

Now the calls are about how things are going at work, the new apartment he just found, or the next weekend getaway he and his girlfriend are planning. The touchpoints have evolved in other ways too. He asks more questions now—about our lives, our jobs, and our hobbies. He’s more curious and open to our opinions.

7. We did the same thing with his younger brother

The one-call-per-week cadence worked so well, we did the same thing when his younger brother went off to college five years later. Baby bro just finished his freshman year. Despite the fact that my kids have vastly different personalities and communication styles, one call per week was still just right.

With one year down, I asked the youngest his thoughts on only speaking to us on Sunday afternoons, whether it felt like too much, not enough, or a chore. “No, it was good. I liked it. I needed that factory reset every week,” he said.

“Factory reset.” I like that. It has a better ring to it than “nagging.” I highly recommend the one-call-per-week cadence, even though it’s hard.

I recommend the one-call-a-week cadence even though it’s hard

As empty-nesters who miss our kids so much it physically aches sometimes, my husband and I live for Sundays. Those precious calls are a weekly peek into our adult kids’ lives. They also give us a chance to share important reminders and wisdom to a captive listener. They keep us connected to the most important people in our lives.

Bonus perk: Because that’s all the contact we expect, then anytime we get an unscheduled call or text, it feels extra special.

It’s not always easy. The curious, selfish part of me would love to talk to my sons every day. They are, quite literally, my favorite people in the universe. But—just hear me out— maybe not talking to them all the time is part of the reason I like them so much, and why they seem to still like their parents too. Absence makes the heart fonder and all that.

Looking back on raising my kids, there are countless things I would do differently if I could. One thing I don’t regret, though, is the one-call-per-week rule when they went off to college.

More Great Reading:

‘Quiet Quitting’ Your Relationship With Your College Student

I Never Expected That One Word Could Mean So Much to Me