Category: Family & Parenting

^{_{Editor’s Note: Based on real events. Names have been changed for privacy. This essay deals with a suicide attempt by a teen.}}

I suppose I should call in sick for her. She will be expelled if I don’t. I pick up the phone and start to dial, then stop and heat up some water. I’ll have a cup of coffee and then think about it more clearly, from a caffeinated state.

I hate the thought that I would be lying to her school. I’m not all that cozy with the idea of lying, period. I was that horrible girl scout who told on the camp counselor who gave out candy before bed, after teeth brushing.

You would hate me if you knew all my stuff, I am sure of it. My daughter Marissa does. I’m pretty sure of that. 

What does a mother tell the school when her daughter has been out all night at her drug dealer’s house?

I turn off the stove and pour the water into the coffee press. Steam clouds the glass and the aroma of coffee lifts into the room. I could just leave a message on the machine. They have a place you can call in early and do that. The “Attendance Line.” “Marissa will be out today,” I could say. I am thinking, “she is out alright, as in ‘out of it’.”

I don’t know the rules here. I don’t know what the mother is supposed to tell the school when her daughter has been out all night at her drug dealer’s house. Does this actually qualify for “out sick?”

While the coffee is steeping, I put the clean silverware away in the drawer. I like to make sure the salad forks are all in the salad fork slot, the dessert spoons nesting one inside the next. It is nice when you can open a drawer and witness all the cutlery sleeping where they are supposed to sleep, each in their appropriate little wooden beds with their siblings, nobody out of place.

I could just let my daughter get in trouble

I could just leave things alone, of course. Let her get in trouble. Let her face the consequences of her actions, by not calling in for her. Maybe this would be some sort of wake-up call. But letting one’s child get expelled from high school – one’s A + all around honor roll child, I might add, who recently wrote a paper on the Cuban Missile blockade that could pass for a United Nations position paper – doesn’t seem right.

In a way, that would be sabotaging her future, right? But then one would have to beg the next question: what sort of future does a child have when she goes out every night like this, stays with the drug dealer, and probably consorts with many other people whom one has never even heard of or seen.

My daughter’s drug dealer is an odd fellow

The drug dealer is an odd fellow worth describing for his sheer originality. He has that scruff on his chin that must pass for a beard in his mind. Baby scruff. The way he pulls on it sometimes is amusing, like he is some bearded philosopher, pondering, say, Occam’s razor, or some other deep philosophical conundrum. 

His name is Gary. When Gary comes over, he just pulls into the driveway and waits. The one time he came in the house, his right knee was in constant motion, like something fluttering in a breeze. It just vibrated.

Sometimes Marissa’s knee does that. Or her foot taps incessantly. It is like some part of their bodies have been abducted by metronomes. They are stuck keeping a fast rhythm, some kind of runaway samba that we are all supposed to ignore, like it isn’t happening. If you look at their busy knees, they get upset.

“What are you looking at,” Marissa asks me, if I do. She tells me I am passive aggressive. The way I look at her tapping foot, her knee.

When the coffee is ready, I pour it into the white mug with the “M” on it. It is the Marissa mug. Long ago we got these mugs with our initials. Mine is the “T” mug, for Theresa. As I reach for the “M” mug, the “T” mug looks at me from the shelf like it is thinking “wrong mug, jerk.” But on this morning when Marissa is still at her drug dealer’s house, and about to miss school, I want to drink my coffee from the Marissa mug.

I add milk and a lot of sugar, just the way she likes it. We sometimes joke about this—her sugar preferences. “Have a little coffee with your sugar,” I might say. To which she will reply, “I will and I’ll have a little cake with my frosting, too.” She has a good sense of humor, my Marissa.  

Every time I hear a siren I think it’s for my daughter

My mother used to say it whenever I went out on dates as a teenager: “Every time I hear a siren, I think it is for you.” In my case it was hyperbole. I was a garden-variety teen, whose most dangerous activities might have been t.p.ing our neighbor’s yard at Halloween, or stealing a sip off my dad’s can of Bud when he went to the bathroom. I would steal a sip and my mom and I would exchange glances and smile. Bad girl! I didn’t even like beer. It was just a thing I did. Like I needed to prove I actually was a teenager or something. 

A year ago, the siren that wailed up the avenue was for Marissa. She was found blue and unresponsive on a riverbank, downstream from where she had jumped off the bridge. When she finally woke up in the hospital, two days later, she looked around the hospital room, as if surveying the afterlife. “Well. That was refreshing,” she finally said. 

We were all appalled, naturally, but somehow, we still smiled. She can do that; make you smile when you are appalled. Technically, it was amusing, beneath a thick skin of nightmare. A nightmare with many angles and aspects. There is the jumped off the bridge and went into a coma nightmare and then the never came home nightmare. And other brands of nightmare, too.

My daughter is a pending emergency of a girl

Example: she steals. Gum from the convenience store. Shirts from Pac Sun. Money from my wallet. “They have cameras in there, you know,” I once said, looking at a pile of booty on the side of her bed with Target tags still on them.

“I know,” she said, “that is why I did my hair. You like?”  

Come to think of it, Marissa is the sort of girl that sirens were actually made for. A pending emergency of a girl.

We’ve been to the hospital where they took her many times

We had been to that hospital where they took her after her jump many times. To the ER, to the psych unit. We’ve spent hours waiting for them to assess and release her, so long that they have had to offer her Jell-o and bad meals on hard plastic trays while we wait for them to cut the plastic bracelets off her wrists and send her home again. 

Somewhere in a drawer I still have it. The teensy bracelet she came home with when she was born. “SMITH, GIRL”. We hadn’t chosen a name for her yet. That was one of the many things we could not agree on, her father and I. Her dad was gone a few years later. Left her with his mother’s middle name and a beautiful mole beside her right eye, just like his own. He has a love for heroin; she is what they call a “garbagehead.”   

That means she isn’t fussy.

No one knows who called 911 to report that my daughter was in the river

Someone called 911 after Marissa leapt into the river. Nobody actually knows who. The person gave the name Pete, but there was no Pete there. In fact, I never could find any Petes, anywhere, to ask about that day. Pete is sort of an outdated name. People name dogs Pete. No humans are called Pete anymore, so far as I can tell.  

 “She said she wanted a rush,” said one girl I had met several times, when I ran into her in WalMart. Maybe that girl was “Pete”. That would be so 2016, actually, a girl named Pete, calling to tell me my kid might be dead. 

Technically, you could call jumping off a bridge a rush, I suppose. The river swallowed her whole and spat her out twenty feet downstream, unconscious and with a cut on her stomach that required seventeen stitches which would leave left a pink saw-toothed scar.  

“She is so lucky,” the ER doc said. “Most kids that jump there, they drown. There being the Oxbow bridge. It is one of those well know teen-dying places.

Lucky, lucky, lucky, I thought, as I collected the bag that contained her red Snoopy watch and still-damp sneakers. “You are so lucky,” I said in the car, driving her home from the hospital.”“You are so passive aggressive,” she said. When I asked her why she did it, she replied, “ah… but the real question would be ‘why not?’” 

The world’s disasters are somehow comforting to me

I take the coffee back to bed with me. I will turn on the news and drink it under the covers. Maybe something bad will be happening in the world. An F4 tornado, perhaps. A new plague rising in a distant land. A chunk of Antarctica drifting away. I can drift away nicely too, on the tide of other people’s disasters.

Dark confession: something about the whole world in crisis feels good. It is comforting when your daughter has spent the night at her drug dealer’s house and you can’t decide if you should call in sick for her in the morning so she does not get expelled from school, to think we are all in this together here on earth. I can think: People’s kids are at risk in Ethiopia. Kenya. Afghanistan. It is really pretty normal, if you look at the big picture. 

On the way up to her room, the coffee sloshed in the M cup, spilled onto my grey tee shirt and the rose and ochre runner on the stairs. “Oh no,” I say, to my shirt, to the rug, to the cup. 

I walk into my daughter’s room and just stand there

I can’t help it. I take a detour. I walk into Marissa’s room and just stand there. There is her unmade bed, her pillow, still dented from an afternoon nap. There is doggy, the stuffed beagle that I once had to drive thirty-six miles to retrieve from a motel in Tennessee where it had been left behind when we were on a vacation.

I continue to stand there for a long time, just stand there. There is her favorite Alice in Wonderland poster. I got it for her for her birthday in 6^th grade. There is her bong and her torn tee shirt that says, “Disney is Magic.” 

There, beside the shirt, are the hightop Converse sneakers, the ones she was wearing when she was collected from the muddy river bank a year ago. I’ve washed them twice but they still smell of river. The smell of damp and mildew and dried snail and almost death.

She has drawn on them, with a black pen. Little curlicues and hearts adorn the rubber toes. On the ankle of the right one, she has drawn a small peace sign in orange marker. “Peace out,” she has written beside it.  And: “Love ya’.”  

I pull my cell phone out and dial.  “Hello? This is Marissa Colby’s mother. Right, she will be out sick again today. Same thing. Right. Should be back tomorrow. We hope, anyway.

Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Goodbye.

More Great Reading:

New Study Reports One In Every Five College Students Has Considered Suicide

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While you can’t go wrong with a good backpack, a tote bag is a stylish and convenient way to carry all school gear to and from class. When choosing the best tote bags for school, there are a few key elements to consider, especially if you want them to be both functional and stylish. Padded laptop or tablet compartments, compartments, zippered pockets, and durable materials are all important factors to keep in mind. 

To help you narrow things down, we researched some of the most popular brands like Simple Modern, Lululemon, and Carhartt. Below, you can check out our top picks for the best tote bags for school.

Note: We are a reader-supported site and may receive compensation from purchases made through these links.

Our Top Picks: 

1. Best Overall: Bagsmart Zoraesque Tote – $32.99 at Amazon
2. Best for Laptops: Simple Modern Harper Tote – $34.99 at Amazon
3. Best Water-Resistant: Carhartt Horizontal Zip Tote – $60.18 at Amazon
4. Best Faux Leather: Lovevook Laptop Shoulder Bag – $35.99 at Amazon
5. Best Lightweight: MZ Wallace Medium Metro Tote Deluxe – $275 at MZ Wallace
6. Best for Gym-Goers: Lululemon City Adventurer Tote Bag – $128 at Lululemon

Reviews of The Best Tote Bags for School

1. Best Overall: Bagsmart Zoraesque Tote

We chose the Bagsmart Zoraesque Tote as our best overall pick because it’s roomy, budget-friendly, and comes in a bunch of colors to fit any style. It’s available in two sizes — medium and large — but both can fit up to a 15.6-inch laptop. The separate padded pocket is great for keeping said laptop safe, while the zipper closure ensures that nothing falls out when you’re shuffling between classes. There are also several smaller pockets for your phone, keys, notebooks, and anything else you might need to get through the day.

Another highlight? It’s super lightweight at just 1.3 pounds, so your books, chargers, and daily must-haves won’t end up weighing you down. We also love that it has a water-resistant nylon finish, and you can easily wipe it down to keep it clean.

The Specs:

• Size: 15.25” W x 6” D x 12.5” H (medium) or 16” W x 6” D x 13” H (large)
• Material: Polyester (nylon)
• Colors: 18 options to choose from
• Laptop compartment: Yes
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Lightweight and roomy
• Easy to clean
• Budget-friendly
• Can fit up to a 15.6-inch laptop

The Cons:

• Straps aren’t adjustable
• Some say the inner compartments are on the smaller side

What Others Are Saying:

This tote bag has more than 4,700 reviews on Amazon with an average rating of 4.7 out of 5 stars.

Buy the Bagsmart Zoraesque Tote:

2. Best for Laptops: Simple Modern Harper Tote

Simple Modern is having a moment right now, thanks to its TikTok-viral Stanley-dupe tumbler. The Modern Harper Tote is another winner from the brand because of its roomy interior, stylish design, and water-resistant finish. We chose it as the best for laptops because it comes in three sizes that can fit up to a 17-inch laptop. The small is ideal for tablets up to 12.9 inches, the medium fits up to 13-inch laptops, and the large can fit big-screen laptops that are up to 17 inches. 

Additionally, there’s a separate padded laptop compartment inside with a velcro closure, plus four extra pockets and a velvet-lined pocket for sunglasses. One of the two exterior pockets is even perfectly sized to fit the brand’s tumbler!

There are also a few options on how to carry this bag: It has your standard dual tote straps plus a removable crossbody strap that takes some pressure off your shoulders when your bag is full of all your school supplies.

The Specs:

• Size(s): 15” W x 6” D x 14” H (small); 18” W x 6” D x 14.5” H (medium); 20” W x 7” D x 15” H (large)
• Material: Cordura fabric
• Colors: Tan, lavender, hot pink, black, olive, baby pink
• Laptop compartment: Yes
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Easy to clean
• Roomy with lots of pockets
• Secure closure
• Different sizes available

The Cons:

What Others Are Saying:

This tote bag has a 4.7-star rating from more than 200 Amazon buyers.

Buy the Simple Modern Harper Tote:

3. Best Water-Resistant: Carhartt Horizontal Zip Tote

Carhartt isn’t just for workwear. If you’re in the market for something that will last the long haul, the Horizontal Zip Tote is stylish, rugged, and ideal for everyday use and lugging to and from class. Not only is the fabric water-resistant but it’s water-repellent too, which causes water to simply bead off the material. Because of this, this bag can handle more water exposure without getting soaked. As an added bonus, this tote bag is machine-washable for when it does get dirty.

Aside from that, this bag is also really functional. There’s a large main compartment for books, notebooks, and everything else you need, plus three interior pockets for even more organization. While there’s no padded laptop compartment, it does have dividers to keep things in their place and is a great option for carrying a tablet (in a protective sleeve). It comes in two colors: black and the recognizable Carhartt Brown.

The Specs:

• Size: 16.5” W x 7.25” D x 13.5” H
• Material: Polyester
• Colors: Black, brown
• Laptop compartment: No
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Water-repellent
• Machine-washable 
• Makes organization easier
• Secure zipper closure

The Cons:

• On the heavier side
• No laptop compartment
• Limited color options

What Others Are Saying:

The Carhartt Horizontal Zip Tote has an average rating of 4.8 stars on Amazon from more than 1,400 reviews.

Buy the Carhartt Horizontal Zip Tote:

4. Best Faux Leather: Lovevook Laptop Shoulder Bag

For those who like the look of leather but don’t want to pay the price for real leather, the Lovevook Laptop Shoulder Bag is a great option. It’s made from water-resistant and scratch-resistant PU leather (faux leather), which is durable and easy to clean, all while still looking just like leather! And while it’s a beautiful bag, it’s functional too.

It has a roomy interior compartment with a padded laptop sleeve that fits up to a 15.6-inch laptop. There’s also a large zippered interior pocket, another smaller zippered pocket, and several pockets to fit smaller items, like a phone or keys. We also love the large exterior pocket, which not only adds a bit of style to the bag but can also fit a tablet if needed. This bag only comes in one color, but it’s a neutral, deep cinnamon shade that coordinates well with many outfits.

The Specs:

• Size: 16.5” W x 6.1” D x 10.4” H
• Material: PU leather
• Colors: Cinnamon
• Laptop compartment: Yes
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Lots of room
• Makes organization easy
• Durable and easy to clean
• Fashionable

The Cons:

• Only comes in one color
• Not structured (slouchy)
• Straps are on the shorter side

What Others Are Saying:

The Lovevook Laptop Shoulder Bag has more than 4,000 reviews on Amazon with an average rating of 4.3 stars.

Buy the Lovevook Laptop Shoulder Bag:

5. Best Lightweight: MZ Wallace Medium Metro Tote Deluxe

When you’re carrying books, a laptop, and a tablet, the last thing you want is a heavy bag that’s going to weigh you down even more. The MZ Wallace Medium Metro Tote has plenty of room, but the material is so lightweight that it only weighs a little one pound. To help with organization, there are six interior and five exterior pockets, a removable zippered pouch, and a key clip. And while it doesn’t have a laptop sleeve, it can fit smaller laptops that measure up to 13 inches. 

While this is a tote bag, it also has an adjustable crossbody strap, so if you want to distribute the weight more evenly across your body, you can do that. Plus, the regular handles are padded, so they put less pressure on your shoulders. Of course, the quilted design is also super cute and comes in 19 (!) colors that range from neutral black to trendy cornflower blue. 

The Specs:

• Size: 11.6” W x 9.4” D x 12.7” H
• Material: REC Oxford
• Colors: 19 colors
• Laptop compartment: No
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Lightweight design
• Lots of pockets
• Easy to clean
• Comes in a ton of different colors
• Adjustable straps

The Cons:

• Pricey
• No laptop compartment

What Others Are Saying:

The MZ Wallace Medium Metro Tote Deluxe has more than 340 reviews on the brand’s website with an average rating of 4.6 stars.

Buy the MZ Wallace Medium Metro Tote Deluxe:

6. Best for Gym-Goers: Lululemon City Adventurer Tote Bag

If you want to take your bag from school to the gym, we recommend the Lululemon City Adventurer Tote Bag. It has a roomy interior compartment with a zippered gusset that expands so you can fit even more in, whether it be a change of clothes or a small makeup bag for easy refreshing. The fabric is also water-repellent, which comes in handy if you’re throwing in wet clothes post-gym or you find yourself caught in the rain between classes. And because the outer material is nylon, it’s easy to wipe clean in either scenario.

There’s no laptop compartment, but there are several interior and exterior compartments to help you organize your school supplies and other daily essentials. While this tote bag is designed for casual wear, it can also be dressed up a little, especially if you opt for the sleek black hue.

The Specs:

• Size: 20.5” W x 7.1” D x 12.6” H
• Material: Nylon and polyester
• Colors: Black, Dusty Rose
• Laptop compartment: No
• Closure type: Zippered

The Pros:

• Expandable
• Easy to clean
• Water-repellant

The Cons:

• Limited color options
• A little pricey
• No laptop compartment

Buy the Lululemon City Adventurer Tote Bag:

Other Tote Bags for School to Consider

A New Day Everywhere Tote Handbag

This is a very cute, affordable bag and it’s easy to wipe clean, but it doesn’t have a laptop compartment or organizational pockets. It could be a decent option for students who don’t carry much with them, but if you want to fit electronics or books, it’s probably not your best bet. The A New Day Everywhere Tote Handbag is available at Target for $35.

Adidas All Me Tote Bag

This one holds a lot and has several zippered pockets for extra security. It may be a good option for those who are looking for a dual school/gym bag, but it doesn’t offer much organization for laptops, iPads, notebooks, and writing utensils. The Adidas All Me Tote Bag is available at Amazon for $44.78.

Vera Bradley Small Vera Tote

This bag is water-repellant and machine-washable, so it’s great for everyday use. There are also some organizational pockets inside. However, the interior pockets aren’t zippered and there’s no dedicated space for a laptop or tablet. The exterior pocket space is also limited, plus it’s on the pricier side considering the lack of features. The Vera Bradley Small Vera Tote is available at Amazon for $80.50.

Bagsmart The Wanderland Travel Tote

This bag has a lot going for it, like a laptop compartment, zippered closures, and various interior and side pockets. It’s also generously sized and can hold large laptops. However, it didn’t make our list of top picks because the colors are more limited than similar options, and some reviewers say the quality is mid-tier. The Bagsmart The Wanderland Travel Tote is available at Amazon for $32.99.

Why You Can Trust Us

Hi! I’m Lindsay Boyers, a shopping writer and editor with over a decade of experience researching and testing products across a variety of categories. My work has been featured in Forbes, CNN Underscored, CNET, Better Homes and Gardens, Men’s Journal, The Spruce, and more. I know how important it is to find high-quality products that last, and I only recommend items I would purchase for myself or my friends and family.

When narrowing down the best tote bags for school, I combined Grown and Flown’s expertise with extensive research into product specs and customer reviews. I considered size, material, organization, and type of closure. I also factored in price but didn’t exclude options — you’ll find options at various budgets. 

Everything to Know Before Buying a Tote Bag for School

What to Consider Before Buying a Tote Bag for School

Before clicking ‘add to cart,’ there are a few factors you should consider:

Size: Size is one of the most important considerations when choosing a bag. You need to make sure all of your daily essentials will fit inside! Look at the overall size, but also consider any other specifications, like the maximum laptop size. Because of the way some tote bags are designed, the interior space may not be as big as the overall dimensions.

Material: Materials play a role in the durability and ease of cleaning. Look for durable materials like polyester, faux leather, real leather, or canvas. You may also want to consider how water-resistant (or not) it is. Fabric can also be a personal preference. For example, you may prefer the look of faux leather over nylon.

Pockets and Organization: Pockets and other organizational items, like key clasps, will go a long way when you have a lot of stuff to carry. Look for things like padded laptop compartments, zippered interior pockets, and exterior pockets that give you easy access to items you’re frequently reaching for. 

Closure: You also want to think about the closure to make sure your items are secure in your bag. Zippered closures are best to keep everything in place, but you can also find button or velcro closures that provide some security. Ideally, you want to avoid bags that don’t have any type of closure.

How Much is a Tote Bag?

Tote bags can range in price from around $25 to a few hundred dollars. Some designer tote bags may even be more than a thousand dollars. In some cases, you’re paying for higher-quality materials and better craftsmanship. However, that’s not always the case, especially if you take care of your bag. Of course, the price you should spend on your tote bag depends on your budget.

Where to Buy Tote Bags

You can buy tote bags from several retailers. There are lots of highly rated options on Amazon (like our picks from Bagsmart and Carhartt). You can also purchase tote bags from Target, Walmart, Nordstrom, or other catch-all retailers. If you know which specific tote bag you want, you can go directly to the retailer’s site as well. One of our top picks, the Lululemon City Adventurer Tote Bag, is sold directly through the brand only.

How Do You Wash a Tote Bag? 

It depends on the material. Some tote bags are machine-washable, so you can empty them and follow the manufacturer’s instructions for cleaning. Typically, this means you’ll want to use a mild detergent on the gentle cycle and then hang it to dry. 

For leather and faux leather tote bags, you can combine mild soap with warm water, then use a soft cloth to gently spot clean.

For polyester bags, combine mild soap with water and use a scrub brush to gently work the spot or stain out. Be careful not to rub too vigorously since this can damage the material.

As for how often to wash? Try to do it only when needed. It’s a good idea to clean any spots as quickly as possible so they don’t set in.

Are Tote Bags Good for School?

While backpacks are the go-to for school, tote bags can be a good option too, as long as you choose one that’s big enough for your needs. It’s also a good idea to look for features like laptop compartments, zippered closures, and plenty of organizational pockets so you can find what you need more easily — and so your expensive tech is protected!

One thing to note is that because tote bags are slung over one shoulder, the weight is not as evenly distributed as it is with a backpack. This can put strain on one side of your body, so switch shoulders throughout the day and don’t overpack it! 

Also, it’s not as easy to hustle when carrying a tote bag, so make sure you give yourself enough time to get to class so you don’t have to run with a bag on your shoulder.

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Prices were accurate at time of publication.

Let’s admit it, Moms. As much as we love summer, sometimes it’s a struggle. I have begun countless Junes with a to-do list of summer accomplishments that I think will help me make the most of this fleeting season—eat better, lose weight, keep the kids in a routine. And yet, summer after summer, I have failed and have greeted fall with a mild sense of regret and guilt that I didn’t make better use of the long days and the extra time with my kids.

Here’s how to make the summer right

However, a couple of years ago, I finally got summer right. My family had the most fun, most relaxed summer we’ve ever had. My secret?…Just not caring.

I began that summer like any other – with a laundry list of ways I would improve our lives in two and half short months…

Instead I ate cake and drank Arnold Palmers. Needless to say, I did not lose weight. In fact, I think I gained about five pounds. But I just did not care.

Instead of sporting an apologetic cover-up and staying in the shade with a book, I flitted around the pool in my bathing suit, drink in my hand, like I just didn’t care. Because I didn’t.

Instead of wearing a giant hat and SPF 80, I sat in the sun until I got pink. It felt amazing—relaxing, purifying, even healthy. I probably risked premature aging (whatever that means). But I just didn’t care.

By mid-June, I quit wearing makeup (thanks to my lovely suntan). I spent all of five minutes getting ready and went to church, the grocery store, and out to lunch. I saw people I know, and I didn’t hide or pretend not to see them. I spoke to them face to unaltered face. It didn’t bother me a bit. Because I just did not care.

Rather than pore over my “Healthy Recipes” board on Pinterest trying to find new and exotic ways to hide spinach in a smoothie or reduce the calories in a cheesecake, I cooked huge batches of tacos and spaghetti and fried chicken, and my family ate leftovers for days.

Much to the delight of my children, I kept our pantry stocked with s’more ingredients, and I bought barbecue potato chips and ice-cream sandwiches. We made fires and roasted hot dogs. We ate way more junk food than usual. And I just didn’t care.

I let the kids sleep whenever and wherever they happened to drop—the couch, the floor, the hammock in the yard. They stayed up way too late watching television, and they slept in. I stayed up late too—reading books that lack literary merit or binge-watching The Office with my kids. And I slept in (or at least let myself hit the snooze button). Sometimes I ate cake for breakfast. Terrible habits I know, but I really did not care.

I wasn’t a total slacker. I exercised. But even that was laid back—long, moderately brisk walks with a friend. I exercised to feel good and to live longer, not to have a hottie beach body. Because I just did not care.

We had friends over to hang out and served chips and salsa and brownies from a mix. Plans were made on a whim. No rush. No fuss.

It was the summer of not caring. And it was glorious!

And the best part? Turns out no one else really cared either. For all the junk food and poor sleeping habits, my kids seemed as happy and healthy as ever. No one called the whole foods police or turned me in to CPS. And the new, more relaxed, more confident poolside me was undoubtedly still attractive.

My husband didn’t even noticed the five pounds, but he did love hanging out in the pool with me and cooking hot dogs and s’mores with the kids.

Of course, sadly, summer can’t last forever, especially a summer of not caring. The kids eventually had to stop sleeping in the yard and eating barbecue potato chips at will, and I certainly couldn’t continue to eat cake for breakfast and drink Arnold Palmers in the middle of the day.

But I did carry a little bit of The Summer of Just Not Caring with me into the rest of the year. We eat better, but I still cook enough to have leftovers for days. We don’t have cake for breakfast, but we don’t always wait for a special occasions to have it either. And anytime the temperature gets above 70, I grab a book, with or without literary merit, and head for my spot in the sun!

Now it’s officially the beginning of another summer. My kids are older. and most of them have jobs. The youngest one is busy too and keeps us running more than we’d like. But I am determined to maintain a laid-back summer attitude. I might not reach the level of apathy I achieved long ago, but I am looking forward to slowing down, chilling out, and flitting about the pool just not caring!

Cheers!

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By Louise Kinross

Disabled women account for one in eight pregnancies in Ontario, yet a report that combines the findings of 18 population-based and qualitative studies reveals troubling disparities in health outcomes and care experiences for this population and their babies.

In pregnancy and after birth, “People with disabilities were more likely to experience rare but serious physical health complications; more likely to visit the ER or to be hospitalized; more likely to have mental illness or to experience interpersonal violence; and their babies were more likely to be born preterm and small for gestational age,” says lead investigator Hilary Brown, associate professor in the Department of Health and Society at the University of Toronto Scarborough.

The report Equity and Inclusion in Pregnancy Care “is a call for the changes we want to see,” Hilary says. “Our data shows many people with disabilities experience inequities in their pregnancy care in Ontario.”

Researchers from U of T, the Institute for Clinical Evaluative Sciences, and CAMH analyzed health records of pregnant Ontario women between 2010 and 2020, including 148,000 women with a range of disabilities like spina bifida, deafness, autism, and intellectual disability.

“The complications we saw could be avoided through better care, or managed better if they were identified earlier, which means we need more comprehensive care and flexibility within the system for people who need more intensive care,” Hilary says.

Qualitative interviews with women include harrowing accounts of ableism and inaccessibility: doctors assume patients want abortions; a deaf woman delivers her baby with no sign-language interpreter; NICU staff don’t orient a blind mother to the equipment her baby is hooked up to, so she’s afraid to touch the baby; a woman with a physical disability is not shown ways to adapt breastfeeding; and mothers decline public health nurse visits because a medical environment of judgment makes them fear their baby will be taken away.

“The disparities are indicative of a system that wasn’t set up to address the needs of people with disabilities,” Hilary says. 

Women with disabilities have been invisible in Canadian pregnancy data. “The Statistics Canada disability survey doesn’t ask questions about reproductive health or pregnancy, and big national surveys on pregnancy don’t include disability,” Hilary says. “That’s because of a historical oversight where we don’t think about disability and pregnancy in the same space.

“That relates to a long history of institutionalization and involuntary sterilization and eugenics, which has this trickle-down effect of negative attitudes about disability and sexuality. One of the biggest reactions we got when we began this research was: “Pregnancy can’t be that common in people with disabilities.” That’s why we wanted to look at pregnancy rates, to dispel that assumption.”

The scientists looked at disabled women’s health prior to conception, noting they were more likely to live in poor neighbourhoods, to have chronic conditions, to have depression and anxiety, and to have a history of ER visits related to interpersonal violence.

“These are well-known risk factors for pregnancy complications,” Hilary says. “Preconception health is important to understand how likely someone might be to have complications, and what sorts of supports and resources they may need. Knowing this population has risk factors shows us that a lot could be done before pregnancy to better support these people. It could be through social policy to reduce poverty or better access to health care to identify and manage chronic conditions. We want these women to enter pregnancy in the best possible health.”

The scientists note that some women reported accessible, respectful care, but “it was a patchwork type of situation that depends on how knowledgeable a particular provider is,” Hilary says. “Accessible care should not be on a person-by-person basis. All pregnancy care should be accessible.”

The report recommends more frequent, or longer, prenatal visits for disabled women so doctors can better assess their needs, and multidisciplinary care. “We heard about people who had an obstetrician and a rheumatologist and a neurologist, but those providers didn’t communicate well with each other,” Hilary says. “That led to lots of gaps and breakdowns in communication and the person feeling they were the string holding everything together. There needs to be an explicit effort to communicate and coordinate care within the medical system, and also between the health and social service sector.”  

The scientists call for sweeping systemic change. “This is not a point-of-care type of fix,” Hilary says. Interviews with clinicians revealed they had little medical training related to disability and no resources to draw on. “When we know 25 per cent of the population has a disability and one in eight pregnancies are to people with a disability, that’s a huge oversight. We know there’s a lot of interest in equity, diversity and inclusion in medical schools, but so far it hasn’t covered an understanding of disability and ableism.”

In order to beef up clinician education “we need the political will to make funding a priority,” Hilary says.

Of note, the Equity and Inclusion in Pregnancy Care report was funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health, which put out a specific call for research on this population. No similar call has been issued by a Canadian funder.

In order to change the system, “We also need better social policy and equity for people with disabilities more broadly, so we have people with disabilities in leadership in government and clinical care,” Hilary says.

An easy-read version of the report, an executive summary, and the full report are available online.

Like this interview? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

My daughter just graduated high school. My daughter just graduated high school! My daughter just graduated high school??? These are all the feels a mom gets when her daughter graduates high school.

People say, “My How Time Flies!” “A senior already?”, “I can’t believe it!” I don’t mean to be smart, but, “Yes.” She’s been a senior all year. Believe it.

I understand what people are really trying to say when they say these phrases. They mean that she grew up without them noticing. They were busy living their lives and doing things while my baby was growing up. And I don’t blame them because hey, they have their lives too. I’m not mad when people say this. I get it.

I wasn’t busy doing other things while my daughter was growing up

But I wasn’t busy doing other things. I was busy watching her grow up. Making her lunches, pushing her on a swing, waiting in doctors’ offices. Watching Phineus and Ferb before school. Teaching her to ride a bike, drive a car, taking her on trips to the beach, watching Stranger Things, going to concerts, showing her how to know when it’s about to rain when the leaves turn over. How to stand up for herself. How to be a good person.

All these things and more-I’m so thankful for. The time didn’t pass by too quickly; it didn’t fly by. I enjoyed every minute, every second and every hour. Because it was just enough time. Time for us to spend together and learn together. It was just right.

I sometimes long to go back in time but I was here for all of it

Sure, I’d love to turn back time and still be at that table at American Girl having lunch with her, dressed in a striped pink and orange sweater with old lady pearls sitting beside two other dolls, one dressed like an equestrian with a helmet on and jodhpurs and the other dressed as a gymnast in a leotard who just got her ears pierced at the American Girl Salon. But I know I can’t.

Because now it’s time for her to fly, to start the next chapter of her life and explore. Be who she’s meant to be. And I just know she’s going to do great things!

I am so immensely proud of her; she makes me proud every day and I believe in her. I support her and all the things she dreams about.

It was just enough time and I know my daughter’s got this

She’s got this! This is just the beginning, and It’s going to be a great new adventure. Wherever she ends up, it was meant to be part of the plan.

I’m just as surprised as everyone else that we’re in this spot at this moment. But I know I can’t slow down time. I knew it was coming. I knew it had to happen.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m HAPPY she’s graduating! Overjoyed! Tremendously proud. And thankful. Just thankful to be her mom. And thankful that the time didn’t fly by.

More Great Reading:

Losing My Marbles, One Day At a Time

The school year is winding down and everyone is ready for a break. But, if you think your teen will be applying to colleges their senior year of high school, don’t take that break yet. Before you close out the school year, take some time to write down everything your high school student did this past school year.

As a former teacher and current independent college counselor, I promise you that 30 minutes now will make life so much easier later when your teen is beginning their college applications.

If you are the parent of a 9th – 11th grader, you might not know that the Common App, the most widely used college application platform, has a section for high school activities. This is where you can share your interests and who you are outside of the classroom in the activities section.

Your teen can share information about work, hobbies, clubs and community in the Common App

You can share information about things like work, hobbies, clubs, and community engagement. And don’t forget, family responsibilities can be important to share as well. This is the place to show colleges what makes you unique!”

It is tempting to think you will remember everything your child has accomplished in high school, but my years of experience helping students to remember and recreate their high school activities, jobs, and awards for their college applications tells me otherwise. A few minutes at the end of the school year now can save you tons of time and angst later when the pressure is on and it’s time to complete college applications as a senior.

I advise my younger students to complete a simple chart that is broken into the types of sections they will eventually see on the Common App. To help them be ready for college applications, include not only a brief description of the activity, but also how much time they spent on the activity.

You can do this at home by following the categories below or use your own categories. The main point now is to get everything written down, don’t get overly concerned about whether something is a club or community service, for example.

Five types of your teen’s activities to keep track of each school year

1. Clubs

Include any and all clubs your child participated in this school year even if they tried something new and decided against doing it next year. This is a good place to record any activities that take place outside of school such as religious activities or Scouts.

2. Sports

List any sports they did this year- not only school sports. Travel team sports, club sports, recreation league sports all fit here.

3. Employment

One area that I find students often under value is caregiving for family members. If you have a child who spends their summer watching siblings while you are at work, or did the grocery shopping for an elderly relative, that matters and it can be accounted for here. If they did have formal employment, keep track of any promotions or pay raises your child might have earned.

4. Volunteer Activities

Think back to if your child’s club or team participated in volunteer work. Also, don’t discount the contributions your child is making because you think they aren’t grand enough. Yes, there are teens founding charities and solving big problems, but that doesn’t mean small acts of volunteerism don’t count. As one college admissions counselor said to me, “it’s more than okay to be normal.”

5. Honors and Awards

This is not the place to be modest. List any and every honor your child has received this school year. Maybe they won a math award or had a poem published in the school newspaper or maybe it was something bigger. Whatever the size, or the prestige, go ahead and list it.

While this exercise will be helpful when it’s time to complete college applications, it is also useful for younger students to use as a tool to evaluate how they spent their time. If, for example, you both aren’t comfortable with how much service your child has completed, or you realize they haven’t yet joined a single club at school, you can remedy that for next year. Colleges like to see growth over a high school career not necessarily perfection over the four years of high school.

Recently, I met with a rising senior student to complete her activity worksheet. While we were working through it, she realized that her happiest memories of high school happened when she was planning events – both the big schoolwide ones and the smaller ones for friends only.

This realization is leading her to look for colleges where she cannot only continue these types of activities for fun, but also possibly major in marketing and event planning. The time we spent recreating her activities was useful for her college applications, but also it turned out to be an excellent tool for self reflection.

More Great Reading:

More Extracurriculars, Less Screen Time Better for Teens’ Mental Health

The countdown to 8th grade is on the board in my Middle School classroom. Only days left until the end of the school year.

The hallways are filled with the smell of Axe Body Spray, sprayed a little thicker to cover up the sweat of the summer that is lingering around the corner. The shades are drawn a little lower to shield the blazing sun that glares through our glass windows. Shining way too brightly for teenage eyes.

The academic apathy is wrapped like a cloak around almost everyone. State testing is behind them. And they can’t see the value in what lies ahead right now. Constant reminders to finish strong, play like a broken record over the constant chatter that fills the classroom walls. 

Summer is almost here, we can taste the freedom

Summer is just around the corner and so many of us-kids and adults alike-can taste the freedom. And with that freedom, comes a three month rollercoaster with peaks of swimming, and campfires, and Dairy Queen for many. And valleys of boredom and spending overtime with video games and arguing with siblings, and moments of missing school and friends more than anyone thought they would.

And of course, the inevitable summer slide that we all know so well.

I miss the students over the summer

I miss my students over the summer. A lot. We have spent every day together for a really long time. Learning and leaning on one another. Pushing each other to outgrow ourselves. Overcoming challenges side by side, day in and day out. As much as I  need to restore and reset, I  also want kids to know I am  here for them during these months. 

So, as we get close to the final school bell ringing this year, I have some tips to help kids stay connected to school over the summer days ahead. 

3 tips to help teens stay connected to school over the summer

1. Keep in touch with your teachers

For some students, summer is a wonderful adventure filled with social connection and emotional highs. Camps, sleepovers, family trips to the cabin can make summer fly by for many. For others, summer is a time of instability and loneliness. Away from school and friends that they are used to seeing daily. Isolated in family circumstances that aren’t always ideal. 

No matter how summer rolls, those feelings carry into the following school year. Even though we aren’t at school with your kids, we are here to support your kids with social and  emotional boosts as the months go on. 

Remind kids to reach out. Email their favorite teachers from previous years. I guarantee most of us check our email at some point and love getting summer updates. Or, better yet, some of us are even willing to set up a zoom or google meet for an in person smile! Don’t forget we love to go to your sports events, concerts and performances. Send us your schedules!

Every message or call cements a connection to school that will help give kids something to look forward to when the summer sun sets, and hopefully remind them that they have, and will always be important to us even though they are moving on to the next grade.

2. Enjoy reading on your own terms

As a reading teacher, and the mom of teenagers, I know that a little reading every day can pay off in big ways when the school year starts up again. Oftentimes, kids see summer as an escape from academic work. I like to think of it as an opportunity to be creative and enjoy doing things your own way, with your own choice. And yes, while sometimes kids are assigned summer reading or homework, there is plenty of time to explore and bask in the freedom of  growing your mind without others telling you what you need to read and how you need to do it.

Check out a new book. Visit a Little Free Library. Read under a tree, or on a picnic blanket. Read a magazine with your feet in a pool or under the stars. Listen to an audiobook on a run. Start a book club in person or on zoom. Write your own stories. Whatever you read or write, make sure kids have some of the autonomy in what they read and how they read it. It all pays off in the fall. 

3. Do some good things for people

Community service is always important. Any time of the year. Many kids don’t even realize they are sitting side by side with peers that benefit from the positive ways that people can support one another. Encouraging kids to find some time over the summer to volunteer for organizations that support your local community, use their talents to create something that will make someone’s life better, or just reach out in a positive way to someone they know needs support, are ways to also boost their confidence and competence.

The more kids ingrain their mindset in service to others beyond themselves, the stronger their school community becomes as the years pass by. So as I send you off into summer, always remember that that school isn’t just a place you  go-it’s a community you have-even when we are not all in the same place until the school bell rings for the first time in the fall. 

More Great Reading:

24 Things Middle and High School Students Can Do to Keep Busy This Summer

When my oldest child was in ninth grade, I found a piece of paper labeled the “Gender Unicorn” in his backpack. Depending on where you live, you may be familiar with this piece of paper, or you may have no idea what I am talking about.  The Gender Unicorn is a picture of a unicorn with phrases like “Gender Identity,” “Gender Expression,” and “Physical Attraction” on it with an explanation of what those phrases mean. In any case, I found the paper, I mentioned it to my child (known to the world at that time as my daughter), and got very upset when my child said the words on the paper applied to him, thus effectively ending the conversation.

Over the course of the next few years, my child stated that he identified as gender neutral, which I mostly just ignored, because what did that even actually mean? He didn’t really change how he acted or dressed (including wearing traditionally female colors or clothes on occasion) and while he went by the name “Milo” at school.

He said he was OK with us using his female birth name at home. In addition, he was struggling with other mental health challenges that felt substantially more significant, so the ‘gender stuff’ as I called it, was put on the back burner for a few years.

Our child said that they identified as a man

Two years later, Jamie said in family therapy that he identified as a man. Over the course of the next nine months, my husband and I went from uncertainty, to acculturation, to outright support. By the time he started hormone therapy, about six months after his 18th birthday, we felt like he was making the choice that was right for him.

Over the course of the next few years, I helped Jamie with the legal name changes (passport, driver’s license, social security card) as well has the process of getting top surgery. The final transitional event was a re-naming at our temple to give Jamie a new Jewish name.

I often joke that that tome of first time pregnant women, What to Expect When You’re Expecting did not even remotely prepare me for the reality that is parenthood. For those of you who feel like the handbook for “what to really expect” passed you by when your child announced they are gender questioning/gender neutral/identify with a different gender than the one they were born as, here’s my quick guide for you.

Don’ts (please learn from my mistakes)

1. Don’t condemn your child’s announcement/choice right away

Maybe you’re skeptical because when we (if you’re Gen X like me) never knew anyone who was transgender growing up. Maybe your child goes to a school (as mine did) where it seems like every other kid is saying something about their gender or sexuality. Maybe your child is struggling with other issues and you just don’t have room to put this one on your plate. It doesn’t really matter. Instant condemnation never moved a conversation forward.

2. Don’t feel like you need to act right away

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got, from another mom who had a transgender child, was that it was OK to go slow. Ask questions- not in a dismissive, “I’m trying to show I’m open but really I’m not” way- but in a genuine, “I want to understand better” way.

3. Don’t ask so many questions your kid feels like it’s the Inquisition

Be open. But also use Google for some of your questions (maybe in private mode if you’re at work).

4. Don’t feel like you need to tell your child everything you’re thinking

It’s great to have honest, give-and-take conversations. But your child is not responsible for helping you to process this change; they’ve got enough on their plate. Save any confusion/sadness (it’s OK to be sad!)/fear you might be feeling for your therapist or close friend.

My Son Became My Daughter: A Mother’s Transition

Carolyn Baker Ringel is an attorney, bioethicist, and family coach.  She enjoys teaching, writing, and presenting in the field of bioethics, especially on issues pertaining to transgender health care and parenting trans children. She also has a passion for coaching families going through significant life experiences. She can be reached at carolynringel1@gmail.com.

Our kids’ behavior can be mystifying, aggravating, worrying, and sometimes even infuriating. While the answers for resolving our concerns tend to be specific and unique to each particular situation, there are also general themes that can guide us. Janet explores one such theme in this week’s episode and explains how it applies to 3 different situations parents have written to her about.

Transcript of “Frustration, Screaming, Aggressive Behavior – When Kids Aren’t Functioning Well”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I thought I would share a little about my actual process in recording these podcasts, how I decide what to talk about. And often it’s very obvious, I’ll read a note that a parent sent to me in emails or in messages and it resonates as something that I know a lot of parents would relate to. Or I have an idea in my head based on a lot of experience working with parents, knowing that this is a topic that a lot of people think about and wonder about, so I’ll take a stab at it myself. Or I’ll have an exchange somewhere, maybe on one of my social media pages, that sparks my interest and sounds like something that could help other people.

This time I thought I should catch up on responding to some of my emails. Actually, it’s not really catching up, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to catch up! But I thought I would take a stab at going through them one by one, the recent ones. And something interesting happened. The first one that I was reading, I got a feeling about, just an instinct about what could be missing here for this parent that could help them. And then most of the notes that I read after that, I started seeing them through this same lens that I’m going to talk about. And with this lens on, this idea I had about how I could help, I could see how it applied in every subsequent note. Even though they’re all totally different: different details, different age children, really different issues on the outside. But I could see how, if not the only answer, one of the answers to all of these was this idea that I had about the first one. I’ll talk about that first and then I’ll read the first note.

The idea I had was the issue of—and I think we can all relate to this—sitting on feelings. We’re sitting on feelings. Maybe we’re not looking at them ourselves and understanding them, so they tend to drive us in all these directions that we don’t want to go in and that aren’t helpful to us. They’re there and they’re not really being expressed or shared or we’re not feeling safe about them. Because of that, they have this power that they wouldn’t have if we were able to safely release them. It’s a human issue that I can certainly relate to, and I hope it’ll make more sense when I get into some of these notes.

Here’s the first one:

My three-and-a-half-year-old daughter has what I would call extremely low frustration tolerance. This is a new thing over the past couple of months. For example, she likes to help unload the dishwasher, but if something gets stuck, she screams. She might hit me or call me stupid. I usually say something like, “Oh, that bowl looks tricky to get out. Would you like some help?” But this is usually met with angry yelling. I’ll physically stop her from hitting me and usually ignore the name-calling, though that hasn’t seemed to deter her at all. Or another example from today: she wanted to do a puzzle, dumped it out, immediately started yelling that it was too hard, and kicked the pieces all over the room and started to dump all her toys out in protest of the hardness of the puzzle. It’s like this all day long.

Some background information: We moved houses about six months ago. She hasn’t napped at home since then, but she naps at daycare during the weekdays. Over the past months, her bedtime has consistently gotten worse. We go through her bedtime routine of brushing teeth, PJs, stories, tuck in, but now she doesn’t stay in her bed and sometimes plays quietly by herself until way too late, 10:00 p.m. Often she doesn’t stay in her room and will start trying to interact with her dad and I. We gave up trying to gently but firmly usher her back to her room because she just says no and requires picking up, and then immediately and angrily comes out of her room again. So we now just try to be as boring as possible, quietly fold laundry and do other boring household chores, and tell her that if she wants to be covered, she can. None of this is really helping the situation. I mention it here because not only is it a problem, but also I think chronic lack of sleep may be contributing to her low frustration tolerance.

Help, please!

Reading this, I got this image of this little girl sitting on feelings. When we’re sitting on feelings, we can’t go to sleep, right? It’s really hard. I can’t do it when I’m angry about something or scared about something. And also it can flare out of us in these random situations. Little frustrations, like something’s not quite working right the way we want it to. Boom! We flash. And with children, it usually is those two emotions that I just mentioned. It’s usually one or both of them: fear and anger. And anger is often a secondary emotion that stems from fear.

It sounds like these parents are being so kind and caring and just trying to help her, and they’re obviously genuinely concerned. My advice would be to help her to vent these feelings. And it probably is about moving houses and not sleeping, this parent is absolutely right. That is going to make everything harder. It makes us much more sensitive, it’s much harder to contain our feelings. But in this case, like I said, the answer is for her to not continue trying to contain her feelings so much.

There are two ways that we can help children to share these feelings that they’re sitting on, that are doing all this destructive stuff. I mean, not irreparable damage that we have to worry about as parents, that we’ve done something wrong. But it’s not healthy in there. It’s not helping her sleep, it’s not helping her handle challenges. We don’t function well when we’re sitting on feelings.

So the two ways that I recommend are first, when your child is not doing these behaviors—and I believe in this for children of all ages—when you are having one-on-one peaceful time together or happy time together, I would bring up these situations that, for anyone, would create feelings. I’m saying I can relate to sitting on feelings, how it makes it impossible to sleep, impossible to function well, it’s distracting. Now imagine you’re a child and it’s almost impossible for you to even connect, Oh, we moved houses, so everything feels scary and different and rocky. They’re not even able to put that together. They’re also not as able as we are to identify what they’re feeling. They just feel it, right? They can’t put a name to it, they need us to help them do that.

We help them not by deciding you’re feeling this, but by exploring with them in this way I’m suggesting. In a quiet moment, not one of the behaviors happening, when you’re feeling peaceful and contented together, bring up: “We moved houses. Everything you knew, all these rooms you were used to, this neighborhood you were used to, everything’s changed. And that feels really strange sometimes. It can be scary and it can feel like you’ve lost all these things that you were used to. That was the only life you ever knew, and now you’ve got this place where you sleep and this window that you look out of.” Going into those kinds of details to help your child know that, Oh, this could be something I’m feeling, and it’s okay for me to feel like that. My parent is giving me permission to have whatever feeling I’m having.

If it’s a situation where we don’t know what our child’s feelings may be related to, then we want to even more openly explore with them: “Sometimes it seems like when you’re trying to do something and it doesn’t work, you get so mad. You want to throw things. What do you think that might be that’s making you feel like that?” Open up these conversations. Not that you’re going to get all the answers from your child, but it’s the gesture that gives our child so much relief and helps them feel freer to vent things out. Probably not in that moment, but maybe at some point later with us. They don’t have that sense of fear and judgment on top of what they’re already feeling. And it is typical for us to put that sense of fear and judgment out there. We don’t mean to be judgmental and scary towards our children, but it happens, right?

It’s hard for us to remember that what may have impacted us has impacted our child many times more. It can be overwhelming to our child. We’re feeling stressed because we had to do this move and we’re trying to get back into our rhythm, but our child is just completely underwater. They don’t have a context for what a move is supposed to feel like, like we do. They don’t know that, Oh, it feels rough for a while and then you get used to it and then you’re fine. They don’t know any of that. They don’t know any of that, and they don’t have the ability to self-regulate that we do.

In this case, I believe this is about the move that initially caused her to not be able to take a nap at home. She’s feeling unsettled. We can help by opening up conversations for her to vent the feelings. That’s the first way to help a child who is stuck sitting on feelings.

The second way to help is harder for us, because it’s really hard for us to see beyond behaviors when the behavior is in our face or right there in front of us. Really hard to see beyond it. We’re not going to do it a lot of the time, that’s okay. What matters is that we can be as aware as possible. Then as soon as possible afterwards, when we’re not in that triggering moment, we will hopefully see it a bit clearer. And this idea I was talking about in last week’s podcast could really help: practicing this in your head. Practicing the movie of seeing your child doing these behaviors and seeing them differently. Giving yourself that safe rehearsal time by just imagining, just daydreaming about it.

So let’s say she gets frustrated about the dishwasher. Something got stuck and she’s screaming. Wow. Is she really screaming about a dishwasher? Probably not. She probably just opened the tea kettle and is letting some of that steam out about the move. She’s letting some of those feelings she’s been sitting on out. But we probably won’t see that right away. In this case, the parent was so kind, she said, “Oh, that bowl looks tricky to get out. Would you like some help?” when her child is screaming. And that’s hard to do, right? To feel calm when your child is acting like that. So that’s lovely if you can do that.

I would just add there my suggestion, which is to welcome the feelings as they come. This is the second way to help. So the first way is exploring them when we’re not in that situation, when we’re one-on-one with our child. The second way is welcoming the feelings as they come, as much as we can, as soon as we can after it’s happened. “That’s so frustrating when things get stuck! That makes you so mad sometimes!” Instead of trying to move her through that, see this as an opportunity for her to let it out, helping her feel safe to do that by agreeing with her right to feel what she feels.

And agreeing with it—this is what I also call “acknowledging”—I think somebody said you want at least 30% of the same intensity that your child is showing you. So if we very serenely say, “Oh, that’s frustrating, isn’t it, when that happens,” and our child is screaming, that can feel like a disconnected response to our child. They don’t really see me here. They’re not really accepting me here. They’re just trying to say the right thing. And this is the hard, nuanced part of this, that’s a lot easier to show than to tell about, but having that intensity with them. Not that I’m upset too about the stuck silverware, but, “Ah, that’s so frustrating!” Matching by 30% her level, so that my child feels like I am really seeing them and willing to welcome them to feel that and connect with that. Challenging, but this is what I recommend trying to go for. It does get easier with practice, like everything else that we do as parents.

The parent says when she asks, “Would you like some help?”, “this is usually met with angry yelling. I’ll physically stop her from hitting me and usually ignore the name-calling, though that hasn’t seemed to deter her at all.” So, physically stopping from hitting: yes. Ignoring the name-calling: ignoring can feel to a child like the opposite of feeling seen. And I know it’s hard to take the name-calling, especially the older children get, the more they impulsively tend to zero in on those words that we’ve shown them have hurt us to make that impact. And I’m going to be honest, I have that feeling inside me even as an adult when I’m scared or angry, that I just want to lash out. I try not to, but I relate to the feeling and that helps me see beyond it. In children, especially, not so much adults. But in my children and other people’s children, I can see that. That in a way, whatever the name-calling is, we’ve kind of set it up by the first time they ever explored that word, we reacted. So now they’re hooked on it. Not that we did anything wrong, of course, but that’s where it’s coming from. And it’s just something they say in a fit of emotion, and it’s that fit of emotion that we want to come all the way out so that our child isn’t sitting on it anymore.

So what I would try to say there or do there is, maybe when she’s yelling, I’m saying, “Wow, you say those words when you’re mad, right? You don’t like it when this stuff gets stuck, and that makes you say all kinds of things to me that you don’t mean. I know.” That attitude. I’m ignoring the meanness of that, but I’m not ignoring where you’ve gone here. I’m not ignoring this feeling that’s blasting out of you. That I want you to keep sharing. I believe this is why nothing is deterring her, that she’s still feeling a bit stifled and confused about what’s going on with her. Not understanding that it’s very valid for her to feel a lot of strong feelings about having to leave your house.

In regard to her sleeping, I wish I had a magic wand to make her suddenly fall asleep. But getting these feelings out during the day, and all these opportunities that are being presented to her that she’s using as opportunities, unconsciously, that’s how to clear the decks for nighttime. The parent said “she immediately angrily comes out of her room again.” So that’s an opportunity right there, if she’s still sitting on something at bedtime and we want her to be able to go to sleep and function well all around. “So you don’t like it when we say it’s bedtime and we’re done,” trying to welcome that feeling, even.

Okay, so using this lens of sitting on feelings, here’s another one:

I’m totally losing my mind and would like your help. I’m getting very frustrated lately with my son’s slacker behavior. Today in his online class I totally lost it and yelled at him for absolutely slacking. He’s having online classes due to rain and while doing his work, he was doing it with no interest and making a lot of mistakes. He was not participating in the sessions, being very quiet. I know he can do better and he has amazing focus and loves learning, but I don’t know what’s happening for these past couple months. I feel so guilty for yelling, but after seeing other children doing so well, I completely lost it.

I would like your advice as to what to do in such scenarios where I know his capabilities, but he seems to be slacking, not focusing, showing no interest, have no confidence, and is constantly asking for my help. Should I keep helping him? I cannot sit with him all the time to help him. After I yelled and calmed down and hugged him and apologized and asked him what happened, he said he’s having a tough time. I felt so guilty, but I always get a rise out of this when he is not meeting his potential.

Please help me. I’m totally off the respectful path.

I wrote back to her—and this boy is six years old, by the way. I wrote back to her: “If you had to guess what was going on with him, what do you think it might be? Can you think of any reason that he might be unmotivated to do his work at this time? Also, how do you generally respond?”

And she wrote back:

So I feel like what’s going on is happening for a couple of reasons. One, he still hasn’t processed his feelings around the birth of his sister two years back and the transition around that. I am unable to be with him the way I used to, and he also started school the same year. So by the time he comes back from school, the attention that I give him is divided. His sister is a more easygoing, adorable girl, so she gets a lot of positive attention from everyone.

So I can say that he has a lot of feelings to unload, which he often does through acting out and testing behavior instead of crying it out. So when he acts out, he gets often yelled at by us. Establishing firm boundaries with him is tough. For example, if I need to go to the kitchen, he will start shouting and playing very roughly with his sister. They will be giggling, but I know it doesn’t feel comfortable to anybody. So if I ask him to stop, he won’t. The only option I feel I have is to lock him in another room, and that feels too much to me. But then what else can I do?

Two, the whole thing I feel has become a testing ground now. He can feel my discomfort and my expectations and judgment around his learning. As I mentioned earlier, I do get affected and have also yelled at him. But when he starts asking me silly questions about his work, I can see right away that he’s not even trying and that’s too much for me to handle. I don’t know how to respond.

Three, maybe he’s finding it boring because it’s too tough for him. The curriculum sometimes seems a little too much for a six-year-old. They’re learning nouns, complex equations, etc. While I do not want to push him, I absolutely do not want him to be a slacker. I was a slacker when I was in school, never did my homework, and I know how that affected my life negatively. So I feel that he should have a positive attitude towards his work, which he also had up until a few months back.

When he blatantly says no to my request to finish his work, how should I respond? Should I never ask him, just leave him? How can I restore his absolute love for learning and his motivation that would allow him to reach his full potential?

In this case, I think that both parent and child are sitting on feelings. I hear the parent’s fear that her son ends up having the struggles she had. And this is a common one for us. That is a really tough hurdle to get over, actually, when we have that fear—which comes out as anger a lot of the time, and frustration—that our child is going to have to suffer things that we had to suffer, that our child is not going to be able to rise above things that we struggled with. I hope this parent has someone that she can share with, because her feelings are valid, just like her child’s are. And she needs a place to vent those that ideally isn’t with her child, because he’s got his own thing going on, it sounds like.

I’m really glad she mentioned all the issues that have happened for him. That he comes home from school and feels now that he has to compete with his sister, who’s adorable and easygoing. And he’s a sensitive guy that’s having a harder time and needs to vent at the end of the day, like most kids do. So these feelings he’s sitting on, I believe, are what’s causing him to not be able to settle in to focus on his work. And that makes sense, right? So, how can we help him?

And, how can this parent separate her own feelings from his? That’s another big challenge we have as parents. One of the best ways is to realize that they’re separate and share them with a counselor, therapist, friend, spouse, someone who’s comfortable to share it with. Because our children are not us, they are their own people. And our fears get in our child’s way, they don’t help them to reach their potential.

In this case, I would regularly have a one-on-one moment with him at the end of his day. Maybe it’s five minutes, where his sister may try to barge in, but you’re not going to let her. I mean, you’re going to keep your focus on him, not saying you have to bar her from the room. And when you do have a moment where you are undisturbed, just checking in with him: “Hey, how’s it going? It’s tough to come home and have your sister here, right? You probably feel like thrashing around and venting some of your feelings from your day, and I like to hear about what’s going on. But then I’ve got to be with your sister too, and that’s tough.” Opening up those conversations.

Also in there you might say, “I’m wondering about what’s going on with you, because it seems like you don’t want to do your schoolwork, it’s really hard. It’s like you’re unsettled. Is there anything I can do to help you? What would make this easier for you? What can I do?” This non-judgmental attitude, which again, if we’re in our own fear, there’s no way we’re going to be able to have that, and it really can’t be faked. So the first job here, I think, is for the parent to understand her own feelings and process them, share them, so that she can start to put them aside to see her son and what he’s going through. She does see it. She’s very insightful, actually. She does get all of these things that are going on with him, but I think her own fear is getting in the way of her being able to help him as she wants to. And yeah, it’s tough to concentrate when you’re distracted and unsettled. It’s just tough to concentrate, especially on a Zoom call or an online class. I find it very hard to concentrate online. It’s hard to let go of the distractions.

Then in the second part, when he’s acting out with his sister, try just seeing him there, “Wow, you guys are getting very rough there,” and then seeing his sister, “Are you okay there? Is this comfortable? What’s going on? Do you need some help?” Or maybe, “Hmm, that’s a little too rough.” Doing something less, where you’re just moving his body a little bit and not directing him from across the room. Because a verbal direction that comes at them when they’re in the heat of their feelings, they’re roughhousing, they can’t really hear and follow those directions. They need us to say, “You know what? I’m going to move you a little bit back,” or “Maybe you guys could play something else. This is getting wild.” Something safe and calm, understanding that this is one of the many typical ways that children vent feelings, through the behavior with his sibling.

She’s right to see the aggressiveness in it, because that often is in there. And our job is to help him stop at that point, but not do a whole big thing of moving him out of the room like this is some extreme situation, which makes the child naturally feel very disconnected and shamed and wrong and adds more feelings to all the other ones that they’re already dealing with. Do less. And be on both of their sides when you intervene, neutral and just helping out the situation.

As far as his schoolwork, I would actually be very open to answering the silly questions. Without annoyance, just answer them. “Hmm, I think this, I think that.” But not sitting next to him if you’re too busy doing something else. The way that we handle that, expressing that boundary, makes a big difference. And also see it as quality time, that you can hang out with him a little when he’s asking you those questions. Even if he’s asking from across the room, see that as the same as if you were playing together, interacting in some positive way, because children can do that for that reason. Mom, I need your attention. I need your attention. I need your attention. I’m doing it in this silly way, asking you things I already know the answer to. But what’s happening here is I’m just wanting the attention. I want to be seen here. So see him. And when you can’t: “Ah, I’d love to, but I have to do this right now.” Or, “Can you come in and ask me and then go back?” When you need my help, I’m always going to try to be here for you, as much as I can. Instead of judging—again, hard to do when we’re in our own fear, but that’s the challenge.

Okay, here’s one more:

My boy is three-and-a-half, and we’ve had a number of challenges with aggressive behavior. My question is what to do if our children do get stuck repeating or continue to revisit behaviors we have previously moved past?

We moved states, had a baby, started preschool, and had a beloved teacher leave, all within a three-month span back when my son just turned two. This triggered aggressiveness at preschool and at home toward the baby. I discovered your resources about six months later and things really turned around. We had several months of peacefulness. He reverted back to aggressive behaviors after receiving a very nasty bite at school. We took about a month off from preschool. Things improved and we were doing great until he started potty-training around his third birthday. This time, aggression was met with lots of defiance. We got past it, and here we are, three-and-a-half and back at a very aggressive and defiant state again. I’m feeling so defeated, as we have seemingly conquered these phases time and time again, but it continues to reemerge. It’s very disruptive in his class and his teachers are clearly disturbed by his behavior.

To give more context, my three-and-a-half-year-old has gone through phases of biting, scratching, hitting, pushing, and once poked an eye. Oftentimes it’s completely unprovoked. Sometimes it seems like it’s his reaction to being overwhelmed or overstimulated, but other times it seems totally impulsive, experimental, maybe even entertaining. When my boys play together while my oldest is in an aggressive state, I do not leave their side. I’m always near, ready to stop him from hitting, lately scratching. I try my best to stop the strike and tell him, “I won’t let you hit/scratch.”

These aggressive states seem to last weeks or a month at a time and seem to keep coming back. I’m utterly exhausted. The balance of acting unruffled and relaxed while my son scratches the 17-month-old in a millisecond feels like an impossible task. They love to play together, especially my youngest. He’s incredibly mobile and follows my oldest around. I cannot keep them apart, nor do I try, since they still have a great relationship despite the aggression. Lately I’ve been telling him after he tries to scratch, “If you want to touch him, you can rub his back softly like this.” And I show him how.

Aside from being there to prevent, showing him what to do instead, telling him “I won’t let you,” what can I do differently? I’m at a loss. And since we continue to revisit this issue, I feel clearly something needs to change. I’m confident he knows he shouldn’t do it. I don’t think there’s a miscommunication of whether it is okay to hit. When he is in a sweet mood, he will rattle off how babies hit because they don’t know better, but he’s a big boy and he knows it’s not okay.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

My heart goes out to this little guy, and this parent is very insightful in the way that she’s seeing him and responding to him. I’m sure she’s right that he knows he shouldn’t do it. He knows it’s not okay to hit, so we definitely don’t want to repeat those kinds of responses. Because when we repeat things that our child already knows, that feels disconnecting to a child. Just as it would to us as adults if someone kept telling us these same things that we already know. It’s a turnoff, right?

I think she’s spot on when she says “it seems like his reaction to being overwhelmed or overstimulated,” but then she says, “other times it seems experimental, maybe even entertaining.” I doubt that very much. That would be very odd, because children don’t like to be doing behaviors that upset other people. Even if they smile, it’s an uncomfortable smile. It’s a smile to cover a lot of vulnerability that they’re feeling.

This child also is sitting on feelings. And it sounds like the parent is welcoming him to vent them a lot of the time, but maybe not enough. He had the feelings about the baby and starting school and then the teacher leaving. And it sounds like the parent sort of helped process those out and then she had months of peacefulness. But then he got a nasty bite at school. That’s going to put him back into that fear place. I wonder if he was encouraged as much as he maybe could have been to share the feelings around that in the two ways that I mentioned. So talking about, “What did that feel like? It was so surprising, right? Did it hurt?” They took a month off of preschool. Yeah, preschool is this other thing that can be misunderstood. It’s a big, challenging situation for children. It’s a big deal. She had him home for a month, that sounds like a good plan to let him relax a bit after that. She’s fortunate that she was able to help him take time off.

But now she says he’s back in an aggressive and defiant state again, and she seems like she’s not sure why. I wonder if this is still a residual from some of the original feelings that he’s had, and if it’s still kind of simmering with him, he’s still sitting on the feelings. And then something seemingly minor, some other challenge, brings out that feeling of overwhelm again. I mean, that’s what it is. When children have feelings that they don’t understand, they don’t understand where they’re coming from, they feel that they’re not acceptable for having them a lot of the time because of our natural reactions. How frightening is that, that you’re all alone in what you’re feeling? That’s what children feel.

And what I bolded here was where she says, “Aside from being there to prevent, showing him what to do instead, telling him ‘I won’t let you,’ what can I do differently?” And this is what I would do differently: I would stop saying, “I won’t let you.” Because he knows she doesn’t want him to do the behavior. Showing him what to do instead? I believe he also knows, I think she’s spot on. He knows what he’s supposed to do, just like he knows that what he’s doing isn’t what he’s supposed to do. He knows he’s supposed to be gentle, but he’s just getting stuck in these impulses because the feelings are just flaring out of him that way. Being there to prevent, yes. Showing him what to do instead and telling him “I won’t let you,” I would drop both of those things. I would stick with being there to prevent and letting him know that you see and accept him, while his behavior is not acceptable, and he knows that, and you’re there to help prevent it.

If we saw something that did seem to stimulate the hit or the scratch, we say that, we can see him there. “It seems like that upset you when he got that close,” or “You didn’t like it when he moved away from you when you were trying to play with him.” But if it’s none of those things, if it’s random, as this parent says that it often is, I would just say while I’m preventing him, my hand is there, or I’m stopping him, “Sometimes you just want to scratch and hurt him, right? It seems like you love him, but you also want to hurt him sometimes.” And then, “You know I’m not going to let you do that.” So maybe saying it there, but with that understanding, with that acknowledging, from a place of matching by 30% at least the intensity of what he’s giving you.

And then the first way to help is to, in a quieter moment, talk to him about it. Open up these conversations that reassure him his feelings are acceptable to you, you’re here to help, not to judge. You want to know how you can help. That it makes sense to feel that way about your brother sometimes, that he just gets on your nerves, just the whole idea of him. And you know that he also loves his brother. It’s just what siblings do, it’s the dynamic that often happens. You can share that with me. I’m interested, I’m curious. I want to know. That’s connecting.

And when children feel connected, so much of these feelings melt away. Yes, they’re still vented, but less and less, because they don’t have that fear on top of the fear and anger. The fear that they’re alone and that they’ve got something inside them that’s hurting people and making people angry, and they don’t even know what it is. We could see almost every issue that comes up with our children in this light, through this lens, because that’s almost always at least one of the elements that’s missing in our response.

And it’s a hard one to get to, because we have our own feelings. And it’s hard to see beyond behaviors, really hard. So please give yourselves a break. Give yourself a lot of grace. Know that you’re not going to turn a corner and just suddenly do it all differently. It’s a process where you just see glimmers. You’ll see glimmers of, Oh, it was safe for me to respond that way and look what came out of it. Or, Oh, look what happened when I opened up this conversation, I found out some things I didn’t know. In that second note, the boy said he’s having a tough time. I would want to know more about that. “What’s going on? How does that feel? What feels tough, and what can I help make easier for you?” That honest way of connecting with our kids, it’s what it’s all about. And it’ll bring you so much joy and freedom to know that you can do that. Always, not just when they’re behaving well and you’re all happy together, but it’s even more important during these times.

I give many more details for all the reasons that children behave the way they do, and how to uncover what’s going on for yourself and your child, in my No Bad Kids Master Course. There’s also a lot of information in my books, especially No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame, which has just been rereleased with a new publisher. They’ve updated it beautifully, and it’s a real gift book now.

Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.

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